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SOMEBODY SAID TO ME ONCE THEY WANTED TO SHOW ME WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE CRADLED WELL IT'S GODDAM NEAR 3AM

& IT STILL FEELS LIKE WINTER & SO FAR I DON'T THINK I'VE FELT IT WHEN YOU'RE OUTSIDE & THE WORLD IS QUIET & TIRED & ALL YOU CAN HEAR IS THE CRACKLE OF AN AMERICAN SPIRIT & DISTANT CARS ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN YOU BREAK JUST LIKE HE SAID YOU WOULD DOES ANYBODY HEAR? DOES ANYONE WANT TO CRADLE YOU THEN? WHEN THE SOMEBODY WHO SAID SOMETHING TO YOU HAS LONG FORGOTTEN THE LATE NIGHT PHONE CALLS & AMBIEN-SICK S;LEEPY VOICE & SOMEBODY ELSE, SOMEBODY BETTER & NEWER SLEEPS NEXT TO YOU ON A NIGHT THAT STILL DOESN'T FEEL SPECIAL ENOUGH, DO THEY STILL HEAR YOUR KNUCKLES CRACK? DO THEY HEAR YOU SHATTERING AS YOUR FEET COLLIDE WITH THE FLOOR DO THEY HEAR YOU BEING SCARED SHITLESS THAT ONE OF THEM, THE FLOOR OR YOUR FEET, WILL BREAK? DOES ANYBODY FUCKING HEAR ANYTHING AT 3AM?

I USED TO KNOW A BOY WHOSE KNUCKLES WERE AT LEAST A THOUSAND MILES AWAY BUT WOULD LEAVE BRUISES ON MY ARMS LIKE STIGMATA AFTER HE SAID GOODBYE THE LAST TIME WE EVER SPOKE, I BANGED MY WRISTS AGAINST THE STEERING WHEEL IN THE MACDONALD'S PARKING LOT & I SWORE TO MYSELF THEN THAT I WOULDN'T EAT UNTIL THAT BOY CALLED ME BACK & PROMISED HE'D STAY, & HERE I AM 3 WEEKS AFTER, REALIZING ONLY NOW THAT MY TEETH ARE SHARP ENOUGH TO KILL HIM, TO DEVOUR HIM NECK-FIRST, THAT FORCING MYSELF TO DISAPPEAR DOES NOT COUNT AS REVENGE A FRIEND TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY THAT I'M LIKE A WOLF PROTECTIVE OF ALL THAT I HOLD, FEARLESS, THAT I TEAR FLESH NOT OF NECESSITY BUT OF SPORT HE SAID "DAMN THE GODS FOR EVERY NIGHT YOU ARE NOT BLESSED A FULL MOON" I SLEPT ALMOST 18 HOURS YESTERDAY BUT WHEN I WOKE UP I WAS HUNGRY & WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM TODAY IT HURT BUT HE IS NOT A GHOST INSIDE MY HEAD & I HAVE TO STOP PRETENDING I'M HAUNTED

I SIT OUTSIDE IN THE WIND SMOKING A CIGARETTE & AMONG THOUGHTS OF BIRDS &AIRPLANE TRAJECTORIES THERE'S THE QUIET THOUGHT OF ME KISSING YOUR HEAD & CALLING YOU HANDSOME YOU'RE THE BEST BOYFRIEND I EVER MET EVEN IF YOU HAVE COMMUNICATION ISSUES I STILL WANT TO NOT HURT YOUR FEELINGS I LIKE HOW WHEN I PICK AT MY SKIN & RUIN IT YOU STILL PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME LIKE RAIN I'M TIRED OF THE WAY I HURT MYSELF I'M TIRED BABY CAN I STAY THE NIGHT? I CAN TASTE THAT BOTTLE OF SAILOR JERRY'S FROM ACROSS THE ROOM & I BOUGHT US COKES FROM THE GAS STATION DOWN THE BLOCK I LOVE YOU & I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME FOREVER SOMEWHERE BUT I WANT YOU TO LET ME LEAVE BECAUSE BOYS WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW HEAVY A CROWN IS, HOW EASILY WE DISAPPEAR, HOW BAD IT HURTS TO FALL FROM THE TOP OF THOSE STAIRS ALL DOWN TO THE BOTTOM JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE FORGOT TO SAY TH EY LOVE ME MORE THAN GOD OR ANYTHING AT ALL I CAN ONLY HAPPEN LIKE A THUNDERSTORM, ALL AT ONCE, ALL AT ONCE & I WANT SO BADLY FOR IT TO BE EASY, WANT SO BADLY TO BE LIKE RAIN: SOFT & PRETTY TO FEEL, BUT I'M NOT & I'M SORRY YOUR MAMA NEVER TOLD YOU THAT SOME GIRLS LIGHT FIRES BECAUSE THEY LIKE TO WATCH YOU BURN

I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I AM OR WHAT I AM A GIRL OR A WOLF OR SOMETHING SOFTER, LIKE A HEART IN THE DARK BEHIND YOUR TEETH DOES ANYONE KNOW ME? AT ALL? IT'S LIKE WATCHING YOUR HOUSE BURN DOWN IN A DREAM & YOU CAN ONLY JUST SIT THERE NUMB, EXHAUSTED, KNOWING THAT WHEN IT'S DONE ALL THERE IS IS ASH & AN OLD MAN W HO THINKS YOU'RE CUTER THAN YOUR SISTER GIVES YOU HIS LEATHER JACKET TO KEEP THE WIND OUT, YOU DON'T WANT TO WALK HOME, THE CHILL IS STILL THERE IN YOUR BODY AL L THE WAY TO YOUR TOES. TIRED. TIRED. TIRED. NUMB. DELIGHTLESS. THIS HURT IS ABS URD, IT HANGS OVER YOUR HEAD LIKE HEAVEN EVEN WHILE YOU SLEEP

ADVICE FOR GIRLS WHO ARE IN LOVE: HOLD A GUN, TAKE HIS WALLET, KISS HIM ONCE, RUN KEEP YOUR BOOTS LACED TIGHT, FISTS CLENCHED IN YOUR POCKETTS, LEARN HOW TO BE LI KE CARDIAC ARREST IN BLEACH-BLONDE HAIR DYE. LIE & TELL HIM THAT YOU'VE NEVER LO VED ANYTHING, STEAL HIS CAR, HE WON'T MIND TEAR INTO HIS WORLD WITH YOUR TEETH, LEAVE KICKING & SCREAMING, SLAM THE DOOR BE DAMAGED STOP CARING EAT VALIUM LIKE IT'S CANDY & LOVE IT, KISS HIM HARD TO GET RID OF THE METH-MOUTH, BURY EVERYTHING YOU'RE AFRAID OF & DON'T BOTHER WITH TOMB STONES, FORGET WHERE YOU HID THEM, FORGET HOW TO LOOK. LET THE RIVER BRING YOU H OME SAFE TO YOUR BED. LET GO. GET DRUNK & KISS YOUR BRUISED KNUCKLES IN THE BACK SEAT OF A FAST CAR TELL YOUR MOTHER YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE FOREVER & NEVERMIND IF SHE DOESN'T FUCKING BELIEVE Y OU QUIT LIVING A VICTIM'S LIFE- SAVE YOURSELF CUM TWICE DIG YOUR NAILS INTO HIS BAC K BECAUSE YOU'RE A HARPY AND BECAUSE YOU CAN PRETEND YOUR TONGUE IS BROKEN GLASS & TEAR HIM TO SHREDS TELL YOURSELF YOU'RE A FUCKIGNG PRINCESS, TOO IMPORTANT FO R ALL OF THEM, LEARN HOW TO BE ALONE COUNT TO 16 AND CLOSE YOUR EYES, EAT A FEW MORE VALIUM, KISS YOURSELF ON THE LIP S IN THE MIRROR AFTER YOU GET UP OFF THE BATHROOM FLOOR. STAND UP. RUN, BUNNY. RUN. RUN.

I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO NICOLE DOLLANGANGER & I HAVE REALLY BAD BODY DYSMORPHIA I WANNA GO TO SLEEP/I NEVER WANT TO EAT AGAIN I'M TERRIFIED IT'S HARD TO BE A GOOD GIRL WHEN YOU FORGET YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING & WHEN I TRY TO FIND MY CONSCIENCE I CAN'T BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER REALLY THERE, I JUST MAKE BAD COMMAND DECISIONS I JUST WANNA BE AN ANGEL I WANNA BE SAFE I'D DO ANYTHING TO BE SAFE ALL I'VE WANTED LATELY IS MY MOTHER I NEED SAFETY I'M TIRED OF DREAMING ABOUT BOYS BUT I LOVE IT I NEVER WANNA WAKE UP I WANT HIM TO MISS ME EVERY MINUTE I'M AWAY LIKE I TOOK HIS LEFT ARM WITH ME WHEN I WENT AWAY I WANT HIM TO LOVE ME MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WHOLE FUCKING WORLD I PURR LIKE A KITTEN WHEN HE COMES CLOSER & BREATHES SPICED RUM IN MY EAR & THROWS ME ON THE BED BUT HE WON'T HIT ME HE SAYS HE JUST DOESN'T LIKE IT BUT I KNOW BETTER I KNOW THAT BOYS WITH DRINKING PROBLEMS & NOWHERE TO GO, THEY'RE JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO WEAR THEIR BLACK EYE & BABY I'M THAT GIRL I'M YOUR FUCKING PRINCESS HE KNOWS IT GODDAMIT EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M THAT WEIRD GIRL WITH THE NASTY HAIR & DEAD EYES ON DAYS WITH SNOW I'M FULL OF HELL & I'LL FUCK YOUR BOYFRIEND IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL I GO TO PUBLIC PLACES & MAKE BEDROOM EYES AT MARRIED MEN FOR FUN DON'T FUCK WITH ME I COULD TOTAL A CAR & BREAK YOUR NECK IN THE SAME 5 MINUTES

IT'S CHRISTMAS & I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL & WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR I DON'T KNOW IF I RECOGNIZE MYSELF ANYMORE FOR DAYS I JUST WANDER AROUND THE WORLD LIKE A KID LOST AT THE MALL IT'S COLD OUTSIDE & I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, I HAVE A HEADACHE THAT WON'T GO AWAY I THINK I'M THE KIND OF TIRED THAT SLEEP CAN'T FIX I JUST KEEP THROWING TANTRUMS & THINKING ABOUT DRUGS I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING THAT MEANS SOMETHING I LAUGH & SMILE & SAY "I LOVE YOU" BUT I THINK IT'S JUST AN EASY ANSWER

SO I SAY TO HIM "I WANNA KISS THAT GIRL" THAT GIRL WHO ISN'T HIM& HE SAYS "I LIKE THAT BLANK UNCONSCIOUS STARE" LIKE YEAH DADDY I KNOW YOU LOVE DEAD GIRLS LIKE ME & HE DOES, KNOW THAT ALL BOYS LOVE A GIRL WHO PRETENDS SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO USE HER TEETH OR HAS NO IDEA SHE'S EVEN GOT ANY FEEL LIKE THE QUEEN OF DEATH THREATS & "I DON'T CARE" QUEEN OF "DADDY YOU CAN NEVER BE MAD AT ME I'M FUCKING HEAVEN-SENT" I KNOW I'M THE ONE YOU WANT BUT I JUST CAN'T STOP LYING I KNOW YOU HATE MY TANTRUMS & THE WAY I THROW THINGS & BREAK & SCREAM & CRY

MY BOYFRIEND IS AT WORK & I KNOW HE LOVES ME BUT I THINK HE LOVES HIS INSTRUMENTS MORE & MAYBE THAT'S FUCKED UP BUT I DISTANCE MYSELF FROM EVERYTHING ANYWAYS SO IT DOESN'T MATTER NOTHING REALLY MATTERS TO ME ANYMORE I JUST GO BACK & FORTH BETWEEN STARVING & PURGING TO TAKE AWAY THE FULLNESS WEIGHING HEAVY AS MERCURY OR SUNDAY IN MY BELLY SO TWO DAYS AGO I THREW UP UNTIL MY THROAT BLED & IF THAT SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT ME IT SAYS THAT I GO FOR BLOOD IN EVERYTHING I DO, I LOVE THINGS TO RUIN, I SMOTHER, I SMOTHER, I SMOTHER I LOOK AT A BOY & I DON'T SEE HIS WARMTH LIKE SOME GIRLS DO I SEE A WRECK & HE SEES HOW I KILL EVERYTHING I FUCK OR MAYBE HE DOESN'T I DON'T THINK HE DOES, I THINK HE SEES A FUCKTOY & A BED & A TROPHY, LOOK AT THIS SICK LITTLE GIRL, TRIPPING OVER HER WORDS & BLEEDING IN HER THROAT, HE DOESN'T KNOW, DOESN'T KNOW THE FIRST GODDAMN THING ABOUT ME BECAUSE I HATE LETTING BOYS ALL THE WAY IN BECAUSE THEN THEY KNOW HOW DARK THE INSIDE IS & THEY DON'T LIKE IT

I'M TRYING SO HARD TO KILL THE ONLY PARTS OF ME HE EVER TOUCHED MAMA SAID I COULD BE AN ACTRESS BUT I DON'T THINK SHE KNOWS THAT I'VE BEEN BEING SINCE I WAS 14 A BOY CALLED ME THIS MORNING & I DIDN'T ANSWER SAID "FUCK YOU" & THREW MY PHONE THREW A TANTRUM & CRIED THINKING ABOUT HOW NO ONE GIVES ME THE ATTENTION THEY GIVE THEIR BABIES I'M A BABY TOO MAMA I NEED YOU I HAVE DREAMS ABOUT DROWNING ANGELS IN THE THAMES RIVER HELP ME I'M A DYSPHORIC LITTLE BITCH I NEED A PLACE TO STAY BABY CAN I SLEEP ON THE FLOOR YOU WON'T HEAR A THING I'LL TRY & KEEP MY BLOOD OFF THE SHEETS

BABY IF YOU WANT ME AT ALL MEET ME IN THE BACK OF A FAST CAR OR A TAXI GOING TO THE SHIT SIDE OF TOWN BRING A BOTTLE OF PHILIPS & YOUR BEDROOM EYES I'LL WEAR THE SEXIEST THING I CAN FIND & YOU CAN TEAR IT ALL UP JUST HOW YOU LIKE

YOU MEET A BOY & HE GIVES YOU STARS TO WEAR IN YOUR EYES & A MONTH LATER HE'S KI SSING YOU UNDER A STREETLAMP, HE'S TOYING WITH THE HEM OF YOUR DRESS UNDERNEATH THE TABLE, HE'S UNDOING ALL YOUR DAMAGED BITS & ALL YOU CAN SAY IS "SORRY" & "I LOVE YOU" YOU'VE NEVER KNOWN HOW TO SAY ANYTHING ESLE & YOU SAVE ALL THE MEMORIE S BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY LOOK BEST IN A BURNING HOUSE BUT ALSO BECAUSE LOVERS WIL L ALWAYS TAKE THEIR LOVE AWAY & IT WILL ALWAYS FEEL LIKE HAVING YOUR NOSE BROKEN & YOU SAY YOU NEVER SAW IT COMING BUT YOU KNEW HOW THE WORDS WOULD SOUND, LIKE DIRT, LIKE TIRED, LIKE DARK. EVERYTHING HE KNOWS ABOUT YOU HE KNOWS BECAUSE A FE VER KISSED YOU & YOU LET IT ALL OUT SOME GIRLS NEED TO LEARN HOW TO HIT HARDER & QUICKER THAN LOVE BUT YOU NEVER DID, YOU LOVE THE BRUISES ON YOUR COLLARBONE BE CAUSE IT HELPS YOU FEEL TOUCHED & HE COMBS HIS HANDS THROUGH YOUR HAIR ON THE AF TERNOON WITH SNOW & YOU FEEL THAT, TOUCHED, & FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME YOU FEEL NEEDED SIMPLY & WITH HEART FEEL LIKE WITHOUT YOU HE WOULD BREAK LIKE BO NES ACROSS A TABLE, WEAR THE SAME EYES AS YOU- THE ONES THAT ARE ALWAYS BEDROOMS & CRYING- TELL EVERYONE THAT THE MOON WENT AWAY WITH YOU IN YOUR POCKET & IT'S NOT THERE ANYMORE FOR HIM. HIS MOUTH NEVER MAKES YOU TIRED YOU'RE AFRAID OF NOT KISSING HIM OUTSIDE IN THE SNOW & THE WORLD & IT'S HARD TO BE IN YOUR BED WITHOU T HIM THERE BECAUSE IT REALLY MEANS NOBODY WILL CHECK THE CLOSET FOR MONSTERS YO U ALREADY KNOW ARE THERE & NOBODY WILL KISS THE DEAD-DREAMS AWAY & THE NUMB MOUT H YOU ALWAYS GET AFTERWARDS. HE HELPS YOU SEE SOMETHING PRETTY INSIDE HE HELPS Y OU DEAL WITH THE QUIETNESS & HELPS YOU STAY IN YOUR BODY AT NIGHT HE KNOWS YOU'R E AFRAID OF THE DARK SO HE TURNS ON THE LAMP & STILL THINKS YOU'RE SPECIAL & WHE N HE TOUCHES YOU IN THE HALF-LIGHT HE SAYS "I LOVE YOU" WITHOUT EVER OPENING HIS PRETTY MOUTH

thank you so much for reading i love you & you're special to me @planetgaytard quarrelling.tumblr.com