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prised you or what you discovered about your partner. Remember that it can be scary to share sexual desires and to talk about them vulnerably. Never cut your partner down or punish them for revealing a desire to you. Do your best to be nonjudgmental. If I nd myself judging, I start thinking of myself as a scientista researcher seeking to understand. I ask a lot of questions. Is there room for compatibility when you talk less about the specic activity and more about why that activity turns you on? Can you meet the turn-on without the specic activity? Are there fears or misunderstandings that might be addressed? Where could both of you get more education so that you can understand more about the specic activity and what it means? Could you dip your toes in just a little bit (for example, handcuffs instead of full-body rope bondage)? When Ian and I went together to see Ivy Young, she gave us a kink compatibility checklist.We had already gone through my version of a similar checklist at home (just going through the list and discussing what we wanted to try turned him on like crazy, and we didnt get through the list on our rst attempt). Wed done a lot of communication. Ian was sharing more openly about his hidden desires. I got a clearer picture about where we could play together and why kink was so important to him. Luckily Ian and I discovered by going through my Kink Communication List and doing the Understanding Turn-ons exercise that we were pretty much compatible with each other. We had many matching want-tos. Try it for yourself:
Consent: Fabulous Fuel for Sensational SexJust Keep It Safe!

KINK COMMUNICATION LIST


Step One: Get Evaluating (Giving)!

Go through the list of activities below and for each one, circle whether you want to do it, you are willing to do it, or there is no way you are going to do it on the giving end.

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Step Two: Get Evaluating (Receiving)!
C U F F E D, T I E D, A N D S AT I S F I E D

Go through a second time with a different-colored writing implement and circle whether you want to do each activity, you are willing to do it, or there is no way you are going to do it on the receiving end.
Step Three: Get Discovering!

Now meet with your lover and compare notes! For anything that you feel you are willing to do, discuss your degree of willingness. Is it a Yes, I love you and although it may not be my cup of tea, Im all for it or is it a Well, okay, I guess we could? Rate your willing-tos on a scale of 1 to 51 being Yes, I love you, lets go for it, and 5 being I guess I can suffer through this. I would add anything on the willing-to list that is a 4 or 5 to your no-way list for now. You can revisit these later.
Step Four: Get Conversing and Researching!

Ask questions, do more research, and be sure to go deeper into specics for each topic. If you are unsure what an activity is, read further in this book or Google it!
Step Five: Get Started!

This form gives you a map, helping you to see where you and your lover can play together. All of the places where your want-tos match up are great places to start. Stay away from the no-ways and always respect them. Keep an open mind that willing-tos can turn into want-tos and sometimes nos. And there are even times when nos turn into willing-tos, but do not pressure your partner into this. Pressure only creates resentment and distance.
Step Six: Get Educated!

Now that you have your places of consent, read the rest of this book, take classes, get private coaching, and participate in learning labs.

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Step Seven: Get Reevaluating!
Consent: Fabulous Fuel for Sensational SexJust Keep It Safe!

I advise you to go through this form again three months from the time you rst took it to reevaluate where you are.

Playful Restraint
Erotic Wrestling Holding Hands Down Holding Legs Down Full-Body Pinning Leather Cuffs Silk Ties/Sashes Rope Restraint Binding to Furniture Suspension Play Spreader Bars Genital Restraint Ropes Genital Chastity Other_____________
WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT

Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing

No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way

Power Roles
Being Dominant/Submissive Humiliation Explicit/Dirty Talk Punishment/Rewards Play Ownership Owning Genitals
WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT

Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing

No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way

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Orgasm Control
C U F F E D, T I E D, A N D S AT I S F I E D

WANT WANT WANT

Willing Willing Willing

No Way No Way No Way

Exhibitionism/Sex in Public Other_____________

Sensory/Impact Play
Temperature Play (Wax, Ice, etc.) Love Taps/Spanking Sensual Feasting Fur Mitts Erotic Massage Nipple Play Riding Crops Paddles Flogging Whips Caning Blindfold Hood Tickling/Feathers Sensory Play with Restraints Electrostimulation Other_____________
WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT

Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing

No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way

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Intense Sex
Consent: Fabulous Fuel for Sensational SexJust Keep It Safe!

Mouth RestraintBall Mouth RestraintBit Mouth RestraintRing Hard Pounding During Intercourse Intercourse Combined with Restraints Oral Combined with Restraints Butt Plugs/Prostate Stimulators Dildos/Vibrators Discipline (Rewards and Punishment) Anal Sex Vaginal Fisting Face Slaps/Love Taps Pounding on Body Strap-on Play Forced Bisexuality Double Penetration Breath Play Hand over Mouth and Nose Choking Hard Kissing Tantric Breathing Other_____________

WANT WANT WANT

Willing Willing Willing

No Way No Way No Way

WANT

Willing

No Way

WANT

Willing

No Way

WANT

Willing

No Way

WANT WANT

Willing Willing

No Way No Way

WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT

Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing

No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way

WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT

Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing

No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way

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Other
C U F F E D, T I E D, A N D S AT I S F I E D

Oral Sex Anilingus Pony Play Puppy Play Fantasy Role-Play Gender Play (Cross-Dressing) Rape-Fantasy Scenes Mind Sex Slave Training Goddess Worship Financial Domination Foot/Boot Worship Sex Games

WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT

Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing

No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way

WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT

Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing Willing

No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way No Way

Dive Deeper: Download the expanded Kink Communication List at:

www.mistressjaiya.com/KCCL. My own Kink Communication List is still not enough. Each of these activities could mean one thing to one person and another thing to someone else. So ideally, the best thing to do with it is to have a discussion. When your play partner suggests you try an activity, respond with, Well, what do you mean by that? Now you can negotiate from a place of informed consent versus just saying yes to an activity that could mean something completely different from what you were thinking.