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Synopsis: Several months after Bishops of Bastard Beginnings Volume 3, Lord Bishop Linz Mondello has made a name

for himself in local underground street racing circuits with his concept microbus the Lulzwagen. His infamous exploits on the streets of Cankerton get the attention of an online evangelist named Albert Okie, chairman of the religious organization R.A.U.N.C.H. Okie offers Linzy $1 million dollars to help him create a sex scandal involving Masked Bastard and Sadie. Cast: Masked Bastard Arch Bishop of the Church of Fatherless Time and a houseplant enthusiast. Linz Mondello Lord Bishop, secretly a street racer and owner of the Lulzwagen. Sadie Lady Bishop in a secret relationship with the Arch Bishop who becomes an it girl. Albert Okie Chairman of the organization R.A.U.N.C.H. and an old friend of Linz. Mr. R Mcgeddon Lord Bishop in charge of the Church Armory and the Church Attorney. Chris the Pimp Lord Bishop in charge of Church finances. Denizen Mouse Lord Bishop, human-sized white rat in charge of Church events. Mystique B Lord Bishop, half man, half wasp, Church Faptist and marijuana enthusiast. Others: Mayor Grosscup current mayor of Cankerton and a good friend of Okies. Councilman Cogoggle Grosscups right hand man who protects the mayors image. Captain MeGusta Commanding officer of the Cankerton Police Department. Becky Gallagher Sadies cheetah cosplayer college dorm mate, joins Sadie as an it girl. Judge Blumberg Superior Court Justice, friend of Masked Bastard and colleague of Mac. Absalom Absurd Fallenlog Street race promoter, mechanic and friend of Linz. Jolen-Heli Lumi-Visian Sage, unseen celestial conservator of Masked Bastard. Pia Arrabo Excommunicated celestial Cardinal, servant of Lord Dagon. Dagon Hysux overlord who controls Pia Arrabo.

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Church of Fatherless Time. Night. The garage door opens up. Out comes a red concept microbus. Its high beams come on. It is the Lulzwagen. It pulls out of the parking lot and takes off down the road. The driver of the Lulzwagen is wearing a teal blue cassock. He turns on the radio. Reggae music plays Fun Time Deh Ya by Night Rider RADIO: Now dis one is dedicated to all the fun and laugh up people all over the world. The driver pops the top on a can of store-brand diet cola and chugs it. RADIO: Big woman, boy and girl yes man, mi nah show you? The Lulzwagen coasts through the city of Cankerton. It stops at a red light. Hookers come to the window. They hand the driver cash. One girl stands there with her arms crossed. The driver makes a gimme gesture with his hand. She finally gives up the money. The Lulzwagen pulls off and hangs a sharp right. A Cankerton police car is seen in the rearview mirror. It puts on its strobe flashers, but speeds by the Lulzwagen and down the Strip. The red van stops at another corner. The driver collects cash from more scantily clad women. It leaves the city limits and goes into the suburban area of Fale County. The microbus pulls into a U-shaped paved driveway. The van stops before a huge building with colonial architecture. RADIO: Sunhine deh yah, time fi de busrida/Fun time deh yah, ah time fi de busrida/Now! The radio is turned off. The van kills the headlights and shuts off. The TITLE CARD appears: THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS The driver side door opens. Shiny black lace-less shoes touch the pavement. Lord Bishop Linz Mondello takes a final swing of diet cola, belches and tosses the can away. He goes up the steps of the building. RAUNCH HQ. Linz is met by a RAUNCH Representative and taken down the hallway. Okies Office. Linz is let in and the doors shut behind him. A man with white hair, mid 50s, wearing glasses turns to Linz with hands folded before him. He is Pastor Albert Okie. LINZ: Albert? 1

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Linz and Okie hug. OKIE: How you been, Larry? LINZ: Hey, Mondello cant complain. OKIE: You still racing that concept van? LINZ: I got debts to pay. You still drag race with that custom sport-van? OKIE: Nah. I dont race no more. I serve the Lord now. Okie shows Linz a glass whiskey jar. Linz declines. OKIE: (pours drink) Youre really serious about this bishop thing, arent you? Linz reads a plaque on the wall behind Okies desk. LINZ: Religious Association of Unified National Church Hellrasiers? (laughs) Really? Okie sips his drink and holds it. OKIE: Things are drying up in the Mid-West. This Internet market is the place to be. LINZ: Way ahead of you, Al. Our Church is social media based. OKIE: The Church of Fatherless Time. (nods) What does that even mean? LINZ: Our doctrine has no beginning or ending. It has always been around. OKIE: That doesnt make sense. Everything has a beginning. LINZ: Not The Most. OKIE: The most what? LINZ: Nevermind. Okie brings Linz over to his desk. OKIE: Youre making a name for yourself in Fale County with that little red van. LINZ: I race for charity. OKIE: And to line your own pocket as well. LINZ: Mondello only takes what he needs. OKIE: We all have needs. This brings me to the reason I called you here. LINZ: I know some big booty cuties that can cure what ails you. OKIE: No, no. Its not about me. Its about your Church. LINZ: Oh boy. Whod we piss off this time? OKIE: Its about your arch bishop. The masked bastard. LINZ: What about him? OKIE: Weve been watching him closely since that DMCA lawsuit. He has become considerably affluent here and abroad. His ministry is growing. LINZ: Its called productivity. You know how it works. OKIE: Yes, I do. Hes a very busy man. But, I question his methods and his faith to God. LINZ: So youre the church police now? OKIE: Were whistle blowers. LINZ: Sounds like you guys blow more than whistles. 2

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS OKIE: See what youre saying? You sound just like him. LINZ: What do you mean sound just like him? OKIE: Morally corrupt. LINZ: In what way? OKIE: Ethically. LINZ: Youre kidding me. OKIE: How can you follow a man like the masked bastard, leading a group of people with an unknown religion that is questionable in the eyes of good Christian men? LINZ: What the hell is a good Christian? OKIE: A good Christian is the opposite of what your arch bishop is. I feel like hes dangerous. LINZ: I feel like you should mind your own business. OKIE: Even when your arch bishop is possibly in a sexually relationship with a minor? LINZ: Thats garbage. OKIE: You see the way he looks at that little blonde girl. LINZ: Sadie? Shes legal. OKIE: Not when she first got there. I bet your arch bishop couldnt wait to get under her habit. LINZ: Shes the Holy Queen Mother of the Internet Saviour. OKIE: Is that what the arch bishop told you? LINZ: Get to the point, Al. OKIE: The point is that innocent young girl is impressionable and easily influenced. LINZ: Clearly you dont know our Lady Sadie. A pause between them. OKIE: How are your investments down at the Shore going? Linzy turns away from Okie. OKIE: Im pretty certain most of what you get from the Church goes directly to the casinos. LINZ: Thats personal. OKIE: Thats the truth. LINZ: What do my debts have to do with you? Okie sits a brief case on the table. He opens it. OKIE: One million in cash. Wanna count it? LINZ: What do I have to do? OKIE: Simple. Give me the masked bastard and you get the money. LINZ: He hasnt done anything wrong. OKIE: Not yet. In a few weeks, he will be investigated for child pornography. You will secretly report to me any information regarding his relationship to that girl, even if it doesnt exist. LINZ: You want me to lie on our Arch Bishop? OKIE: I want to get you out of debt, Larry. So, will one million do it? 3

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Two million. Im a very busy man. OKIE: Well be in touch. Church of Fatherless Time. Day. Lady Sadie enters the office of the Arch Bishop. She sprays polish on various pieces of furniture and wipes them down. She takes books off the desk and spaces them on the shelf. She comes across a current edition of the Book of Bastard. She opens it and finds a picture of a Rasta-looking man and a woman in a hijab with two children; both kids have metal masks. MASKED BASTARD: (OS) Question. Sadie yelps and drops the Book. The Arch Bishop emerges from the shadows and towers over her. He moves toward her until her back hits the bookshelf. She keeps her eyes low as he picks up the Book. MASK: What did I tell you about coming into my office unannounced? SADIE: I was just cleaning, my Lord. MASK: (puts book down) What did I say would happen? SADIE: Your Grace, please MASK: What did I say? SADIE: That I would be punished. MASK: Go over to the desk. Sadie goes over to his desk and places her palms on the desktop. Mask raises his right hand. The officer door shuts and locks. He removes his cloak and his cummerbund from his cassock and takes off his gloves. He gets behind her and slides his dark russet hands up her lush, lily white thighs until they disappear underneath her habit dress. Sadie shuts her eyes, smiles and leans on her elbows as his hands lower her white briefs. MASK: Dont even move. Dont even cry. Better bite down. Im goin in dr y. Sadies eyes grow large and she spins around with hands to her bottom. SADIE: The hell you are! MASK: We doin this or not? SADIE: Youd better get some lube or something. MASK: Mondello has some in his van. Sadie turns around and goes through all of his desk drawers. She opens and shuts them until she turns to him with a travel-sized bottle of baby oil. She struggles to open it. MASK: What? SADIE: I think its child proof cap. MASK: Dont you think you should call an adult? SADIE: Real funny, asshole. (gives him bottle) Here. After Mask opens it, Sadie takes it and prepares to pour. 4

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS SADIE: Hold still. Sadie pours some out. Mask gasps and recoils. SADIE: I said hold still! MASK: Its cold. Sadie puts the bottle down and goes to work with her hands. SADIE: Geez. Whatve you been doing to this thing? MASK: Nothing. SADIE: Its got more veins than that juicer Marge. MASK: Sadie. SADIE: Varicose village down this bitch. MASK: (grabs her wrists) Maybe we shouldnt. Sadie pulls her hands away and snacks him on the chest. SADIE: (points to him) You promised! (turns from him) Now, I came in here for Bene-dick-tion Butthurt and Im not leaving until I get it! Mask prepares to go in. MAGDA: (knocks) Arch Bishop? SADIE: You have got to be kidding. MAGDA: Your Grace? (knocks) Your Lordship? Mask puts on his cummerbund, cloak and gloves and heads for the door. Sadie quickly pulls up her underwear, and then grabs the rag and furniture polish. Magda enters in her Abbess habit looking grumpy as usual. MAGDA: Sadie. What are you doing in here? Magda looks to Mask. Mask doesnt say a word. Sadie stops wiping the desktop. SADIE: What does it look like Im doing? MAGDA: I dusted in here already. SADIE: Then, I guess Im done. Sadie quickly moves by the Arch Bishop and out the door. Magda watches Sadie leave and looks to the Arch Bishop. Then her yellow eyes wander; she lifts her head and sniffs. MAGDA: Is that baby oil? MASK: Can I help you, my Lady? MAGDA: Bishop Mouse is looking for you. MASK: Thank you. Magda stares at Mask for a moment and then leaves. Magda enters the hallway and walks with Lady Marge. MARGE: So, were they doing it? MAGDA: Somethings going on between those two. MARGE: Why are you so concerned about what theyre doing behind closed doors? 5

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MAGDA: Because anybody Sadie has sex with is doomed to die by her hand. MARGE: I dont think hes stupid enough to stab her vag. There are alternatives. Magda stops walking. MAGDA: What alternatives, Marge? Yours? MARGE: Look, I dig Blondie. But if shes cursed, Im not going near her. MAGDA: If theyre not messin around, then why is she in his office so much? MARGE: Havent you figured it out yet? Sadie is a technical virgin. MAGDA: What the hell is that? MARGE: Thats when she allows the crosier into every staff stand, but the magical one. MAGDA: How do you know what? MARGE: Because she told me one evening during devotion. MAGDA: So technically, shes still riding the Virginmobile. MARGE: Yeah, but shes bent over in the backseat, if you know what I m ean. MAGDA: Shes a colonic slut. MARGE: My, my Lady Magda. Is that envy I see in your skin? MAGDA: Is that Winstrol I smell in your sweat? MARGE: No. Its Equipoise. (turns up nose) Excuse me. MAGDA: Equipoise? (gas face) They use that stuff on horses! Church Sanctuary. Mask meets with Denizen Mouse, a human-sized white rat with a touch tablet. MASK: Where is Bishop Chris? I need for him to tighten up network security. MOUSE: You sent him with Bishop Chris to those investment seminars, remember? MASK: Can you block a certain email recipient? MOUSE: Sounds like you have another stalker. MASK: Screen name mizzhill114. All messages tagged urgent. MOUSE: Urgent as in: you open the email message and it says CLICK HERE. You click on the link and youve got a virus. Sounds like a troll phishing for your personal info. Ill look into it. MASK: Good. MOUSE: Mayor Grosscup called. Youre all set to receive your Honorary Like A Boss Award. Mask grabs a spray bottle and begins misting potted plants around the sanctuary. MASK: Sounds to me like Grosscup is looking for delegates to fund his next election. MOUSE: Your Lordship, the event could benefit the Social Media Church in many ways. We can bring in new members and maybe even give your ministry a little more offline. MASK: Im an introvert, Mouse. You know that. MOUSE: An introvert with a plant fetish. MASK: Its not a fetish. (checks leaves) Im an enthusiast. 6

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MOUSE: Youve spent over five thousand dollars on horticulture alone. MASK: Yeah, thats about what Sadie consumes ordering take-out in one year. MOUSE: Im just saying. The vineyard and garden out backare they really necessary? MASK: Do I think its necessary for the Church to grow its own food? Yes. It can cut the cost of groceries by more than sixty percent and we can feed the homeless. (mists plant) Besides, my diet doesnt require solid foods of any kind. And Im always up for feeding needy families. MOUSE: Were all family here, Your Grace. We support you. Mask puts the spray bottle down. MASK: Then why are you insisting that I do this political side show for the mayor? MOUSE: As a community we all have to play ball. Now, its just a short little ceremony. Well have you back behind church doors before Sadies next colon irrigation appointment. MASK: Haha. Youre real funny. MOUSE: Im gonna go check on Misty. MASK: Yeah. You do that. Mouse chuckles and leaves. Mask looks to Sadie across the Sanctuary. She winks at him. Invisibase. The Celestial Plane. Lumi-Visians go in and out of the City of Jolen-Heli. A group of Holy Court Officers approach the Great Kal-Panyim Temple. Among them is Cardinal Pia Arrabo. An arm blocks Pias path. JOLEN-HELI: Thats far enough, my son. PIA: Im here to visit. You still wont permit me access to the city? Even under supervision? JOLEN: The deal was you repent of your wrongdoings and you will be fully restored. PIA: The only wrongdoing here is the conspiracy to keep me off of the throne. JOLEN: So you and your cousins stage a coup and start a rebellion? PIA: Its only a matter of time before your little Champion discovers his true power. When he realizes what youre doing with his free will, hell turn on you. He has the power to kill you. JOLEN: You must remember one thing. The Arch Bishop asked me to take away his memories. He didnt want to remember that he was engineered by you. Hes ashamed to be called your creation. And even if he were to regain his former memories, who do you think he will hold in contempt for his conception? PIA: Masked Bastard is a porn-again failure and a pervert. And Im going to prove it. JOLEN: You really believe everything that Lord Dagon tells you? PIA: Dagon is a pagan fool. Im only serving him until it is my time to ascend. JOLEN: Youre the fool, my son. And if you think persecuting the Masked Bastard will deter me from keeping him in my good graces, youre sadly mistaken. PIA: Youre only keeping him in your graces because you are afraid of him. JOLEN: And youre only serving Dagon because youre afraid of the truth. 7

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS PIA: You would choose a botched laboratory experiment over you own son? JOLEN: At least I know the specimen will obey. The scientist, however, will continue making the same foolish mistakes in his mad quest to yield different results. PIA: Give me one month and Ill prove to you that the Arch Bishop is ignoble. JOLEN: Do what you will with his character, but you are not to touch his aura. Pia bows with a wicked grin before leaving his fathers presence. Garage of the Lulzwagen. Mr. R Mcgeddon works under the hood of the red microbus Linz pops the top on a diet cola and chugs it. MAC: How can you drink that crap? LINZ: Hey! Its either this or cocaine. MAC: You might as well be doing cocaine. LINZ: Id rather be doing Sadie. MAC: Cola is only good for removing corrosion from car batteries. LINZ: And removing sex stains from clothing and bed linens. MAC: (laughs) Yeah, you would know. (moves away from van) All right. Turn it over. Linz gets in and starts the microbus. Mac listens to the engine. MAC: It think shes ready. Linz shuts the van off and gets out. Mask enters and joins them. MASK: Heading out? LINZ: Yup. Theres a car meet behind the Cankerton Mall. MASK: Word around the county is youre an elite street racer. LINZ: Thats ridiculous. MASK: Save it, Mondello. I wanna see how youve been spending your nights. LINZ: Look, Im not going to the casinos anymore. MASK: I know youre not. Youre trying to kick your gambling addiction and I commend you for that. But, that car meet is full of potential church members. So, Im coming with you. LINZ: Come on, Your grace. Dont do this to me now. MASK: They need to hear the message. The Internet Saviour is coming. MAC: We know that, but those kids arent there to be witnessed to. MASK: Tell you what. Ill bring Sadie along. Well put her in a really skanky outfit. MAC: Like I said, those kids need to hear the message too. LINZ: The Internet Saviours coming must be shared with everyone. Mask watches Linz and Mac do some final tweaks on the Lulzwagen. MASK: You guys are really into this street racing thing, arent you? MAC: Its steadier income than Mistys dwindling weed operation. 8

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: True. Misty burns through product faster than a televangelist squanders donations. LINZ: And the hookers havent been completely honest with Big Daddy Mondello lately. MASK: We have hookers? LINZ: Did I say hookers? I meant charitable female donors. Linz quickly walks away. Mask looks to Mac. Mac shrugs. Cankerton Mall. Car Meet. Night. Linz pulls in behind the wheel of the Lulzwagen. On the passenger side is Mask. In the back is Mac. LINZ: (points) Im racing them. MASK: Those cars look like they were vomited out of a party store. MAC: But their merchandise is top of the line. LINZ: But theyre no match for Lord Mondellos microbus. MASK: (turns to Mac) Is she ready yet? Mac turns a black curtain draped from the van roof. MAC: You about done? SADIE: (OS) Dont you dare look in here, you pervert. (moves around) This shirt is too tight. MASK: Thats how its supposed to be, my Lady. SADIE: (OS) Well, its not designed for proper blood circulation. (fabric tears) Damn it! MASK: What are you doing back there? SADIE: Get off my tit! Im customizing! Linz, Mask and Mac check out the custom cars nearby. An African-American man with his hair braided comes up to Linz and hugs him. LINZ: Arch Bishop, this is Absurd. Hes puts all of these racing events together. MASK: Absurd? MAC: His government name is Absalom Fallenlog. LINZ: But the way he used to race, people thought his handling of cars was ridiculous. ABSURD: What about you, masked man? You race? The vans sliding door is heard opening. SADIE: (OS) Im ready. The guys turn and see Sadie in white halter top with TEAM MONDELLO on the bust in red letters, white spanky pants and red platform sandals. Patrons nearby whistler and shout at her. Sadie walks up to Masked Bastard and places her hands on her hips. SADIE: Do you like it, Your Lordship? ABSURD: (OS) I love it. Sadie watches the Arch Bishop for second. She looks down and back up at him. 9

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS SADIE: Are you looking at my feet? MASK: Yes. Sadie moves in and lightly palms his groin area. SADIE: At least youre honest. Absurd gets close to Mask as they watch Sadie walk away. ABSURD: You are a lucky man. LINZ: (joins them) I would love to send my junk mail to her inbox. MAC: (points) Time to race. Linz pulls up to the starting line. Sadie comes out before the cars and holds up her arms. She looks around as the crowds laughter builds. SPECTATOR 1: (OS) Hey, baby! You can be my private tooter! SPECTATOR 2: (OS) Lock me in yo gas chamber! She turns around, like a dog chasing its tail. The crowds laughter intensifies. LINZ: Uh-oh. SADIE: (asks Mondello) What the hell did you put on the back of these shorts?! LINZ: Come on, Sadie. The race is about to start. SADIE: It better not be perverted! SPECTATOR 1: (OS) Girl, lemme pump yo gas! SADIE: (to spectator) Shut up, asshole! (raises arms) Ready? Set? Go! The cars take off. Sadie turns to see smoke behind taillights. On the seat of her spanky pants in bold black print and a red heart is: I FARTING. The other three cars leave the Lulzwagen far behind. MASK: Well, that ended pretty fast. MAC: It aint over yet. Linz opens a lid on the dashboard to reveal a button with NOS over it. LINZ: Time to carry on. He hits the button. Nitrous exhaust pipes emerge from under the microbus and blast blue fire. The red van blasts toward the speeding tricked out cars and flies by them with ease. MASK: Hole. Lee. Crap. Mac unzips a red money pouch with TEAM MONDELLO on it. MAC: Time to collect the rent. Back at the finish line, Mac watches as racers put wads of cash into the pouch. Linz joins Mask in watching Sadie give out church tracts to spectators. SADIE: The Internet Saviour is coming for the glory of The Most. Please visit our website. SPECTATOR: Thanks, baby girl. SADIE: (moves further into the crowd) The Internet Saviour is coming... Mac tosses the pouch to Linz. 10

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MAC: Thats ten grand, papi. LINZ: Not bad at twenty-five hundred a car. Linz hands Mac his cut. He hands Mask some cash, but Mask nods no to it. MAC: Hed probably blow it on forsythias anyway. Im going to go pay Absurd. Linz smiles as he goes through cash in the pouch. Heels are heard clicking on pavement. Sadie rushes in and shoves Linz. SADIE: I love farting?! LINZ: You do? MASK: Well hell, even I knew that. Sadie shoves Linz again. SADIE: You jinxed me! Now every guy out here wants to sniff my posterior. LINZ: You say that like its a bad thing. SADIE: Gimme my freakin money! Linz hands Sadie some cash. She counts it out. SADIE: (holds up bills) Five-hundred bucks?! LINZ: Take it or leave it. SADIE: Ive got I Love Farting plastered across my ass and you give me five-hundred bucks?! LINZ: Hey! For a grand, Ill give you a rimjob. Sadie shoves him aside and stomps away in her platform sandals. SADIE: Ugh! Pervert! LINZ: (to Mask) I think we just lost our it girl. MASK: Relax. (leaves) Shell vlog about it later tonight. LINZ: Why would she make a video about it and put it on her blog? MASK: (OS) For the same reason you race. Church Radio Station. Night. Magda stares jaw-dropped at her flat screen with Marge. On screen is a video of Sadie in her domain, holding up her I FARTING shorts to the webcam. SADIE: So, if any of you naughty congregants want to own a pair of the Holy Queen Mothers dirty, used girlie shorts, click on the button below and place your order right now. A price caption for $59.95 pops up and blinks. SADIE: Dont forget to like my page on Fakebook and check out my pics on SelfieGram. Magda clicks the mouse to pause the video stream. MAGDA: Whatthee actual hellis wrong with that girl? Marge leans close to Magda. MARGE: You think she takes money orders? Magda shuts her eyes and lowers her head. 11


Cankerton Park. Night. Mask and Sadie walk holding hands. SADIE: Do you think Im cursed? MASK: Doesnt really matter what I think. SADIE: Magda says if I lose my virginity, Im fated to do terrible things. MASK: Magda has advanced knowledge of many things. SADIE: She sounds like my mother. (scoffs) And sometimes she sounds like me. They stop under a light pole. Sadie wraps her arms around him with her face on his chest. SADIE: Im tired of all this sneaking around. Why cant we just be together? MASK: You do not question what The Most has deemed done. SADIE: Why cant we just run away? Leave this crappy city and this crappy county. MASK: Because the Church needs us. Our fates have already been decided. Sadie looks up into his glossy eye guards and nods her head. SADIE: I refuse to accept that. MASK: Youre not required to accept it. SADIE: So you actually believe a myth that somebody made up centuries ago? MASK: The messages published in the Book of Bastard aforetime were written for our lulz. SADIE: Seriously? Youre going to deliver a sermon right now? MASK: Sadie, there are some things that we cant explain. A lot of it I dont even understand. But theres a purpose for everything The Most has put in motion. Th ere are powers at work behind the scenes that we dont even know about, because were limited here in the mortal realm. But the celestial plane is vast. We have to learn like immortals and at the same time be humble in our humanity. You must understand that we were all chosen before we were born. SADIE: That I believe. I know we didnt meet by accident. I just cant fathom that if you make love to me, youll die. (nods) I cant do it, Your Grace. I cannot kill the man that I love. MASK: Doesnt matter. Youre going to do it anyway. SADIE: How can you believe that? MASK: Because it must. Sadies moves away him. SADIE: (scoffs) Youre a real comfort. Mask pulls her by the hand. MASK: Come on, my Lady. Ill get you some chocolate custard. SADIE: Mmm. Id love your chocolate custard. A buzzing sound comes from Masks cassock. He takes out his cell phone. SADIE: What is it? 12

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: Another urgent message from mizzhill114. SADIE: Youre lucky. At least you dont get pictures of genitals. From afar, two figures watch Masked Bastard and Sadie. It is Cardinal Pia Arrabo and Lord Dagon of the Hysux. PIA: You think he remembers me? DAGON: Nope. But I wouldnt recommend re-introducing yourself, being that you are solely responsible for torturing and murdering his mother. PIA: Hey, you recorded it. DAGON: I was doing you a favor. PIA: People love the Masked Bastard. What we need to do is turn the city against him. DAGON: That Albert Okie fellow may be the man for the job. PIA: Okie got kicked out of his own church. DAGON: So did you. But that didnt stop you, did it? PIA: (smiles) I suppose not. DAGON: Pastor Okie owns a lucrative video production company. Hes recently entered the online market. Lets spread his good news to the four corners of Fale County. RAUNCH HQ. Okies Garage. Linz watches as Okie clicks through a slideshow of Sadies SelfieGram pictures on his laptop. OKIE: She is a hot little piece of ass. Linz walks over to a gold classic sport-van souped-up as a drag racer. LINZ: You still have the 68 Chevy? I thought you didnt race anymore. OKIE: The Chevy is all I really have after the divorce settlement. Yeah, November fourth. That was the day she cleaned me out. She even made it her new email address. (scoffs) Evil bitch. LINZ: Whatever happened to your wife? OKIE: Somebody tampered with her brakes. Found her car in a ditch. LINZ: No, you didnt. OKIE: What a shame. LINZ: Remember when we used to run together? OKIE: Youd come out to Dryland and wed race at the old Mash Barrel Track. LINZ: And youd get pissed off after I smoked your ass like a Cuban cigar. OKIE: You were a good racer back then, Linzy. And you still are. But now I need for you to get on track with this investigation of your Arch Bishop. We know hes dirty. All we have to do is get the whole city to think that your Arch Bishop has turned this Sadie dame out. LINZ: Al, I dont feel comfortable with this. OKIE: (gets up) Hey, Im not asking you to get your hands dirty. (joins Linz) Leave it to me. 13

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Then what else do you want from me? OKIE: I could use a chat log of the Bastard talking dirty to Sadie. LINZ: I wont do it. OKIE: You dont have to. Ill be on the Church server. Just log on and point them out to me. LINZ: The server is monitored. As soon as they see your IP, theyll block you and ban you. OKIE: Then Ill troll with a proxy. Little trick I learned from my old lady, before we split. Arch Bishops Domain. Night. Mask is at his desk chatting online with Sadie. Mask is mb2522 and Sadie is prttyldy1991. mb2522: remember what we talked about at the park? prttyldy1991: yes very romantic prttyldy1991: just dont bring up prophecy again mb2522: i wont prttyldy1991: can I b ur sexratary? mb2522: whats that? Sadies Domain. Sadie sips from a tall mountain drink and sets it down. She types with a grin. prttyldy1991: sum1 who is used purely for your sexual gain mb2522: ive got a premonition that your getting a promotion prttyldy1991: o yes baby prttyldy1991: i want ur manpole deep n my tight little ass mb2522: youre a naughty gurl prttyldy1991: u gonna spank me? mb2522: cum to my domain and find out prttyldy1991: u so bad i luv u baby mb2522: love u too RAUNCH HQ. Okies Office. Okie is at his desk with the PC monitor as his only light. He is on the Church chat server. His pants are gathered around his ankles while his right hand works feverishly below. OKIE: Oh yes, Id love to put my meatpole deep in your tight little ass. Okies eyes roll up into his head before he erupts all over himself and his keyboard. Garage. Linz and Mac work on the Lulzwagen. MAC: Shes gonna need a new tranny soon. 14

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Hey! Chicks with dicks dont get in my van. MAC: Linz, thats slang for the transmission. Linz checks the engine. LINZ: The nitrous kick must be wearing down the plates. MAC: Friction alone is doing it. LINZ: Should I switch to senior citizen highway driving? MAC: You cant even do the standard speed limit on a state route. LINZ: Sixty-five miles per hour is the new residential speed limit. MAC: True. (opens tool box) Im gonna go head and check the ignition components. Linz watches Mac work on the engine. LINZ: Mac? MAC: Yeah? LINZ: How much to you love the Church? MAC: Id kill to protect it. Hand me those spark plugs. LINZ: (gives Mac the parts) How faithful are you to the Arch Bishop? MAC: (stops working) Id die for the Arch Bishop. (continues) But Ill kill anybody who means to harm him. LINZ: Thats not part of the oath you took. MAC: Its my personal vow. Were a Bishop of Bastard and as Lord Bishops under His Grace, we are all brothers. And brothers should always look out for one another. (wipes hands) Betrayal is worse than anything I can imagine. Im a soldier and veteran; I have my pride. And treason is a crime I cannot forgive. (inserts spark plug) Ill shoot anybody who double-crosses us. Linz keeps his eyes low while Mac continues the tune-up. Sanctuary. Mask carefully mists potted plants. Sadie sneaks up behind him with another girl. Sadie hushes her friend and goes to scare Mask. But hes already facing her. SADIE: Damn you! MASK: You know you cant sneak up on me. (sees girl) Whos the redhead? Sadies friend immediately falls on her face to worship the Arch Bishop. Sadie pulls her friend up. SADIE: Arch Bishop, this is my dorm mate from college, Becky Gallagher. Becky, who is clearly star-struck, is wearing a spotted fur print bodysuit, with matching flats, a spotted ear band in her ginger hair and spotted eyeliner. BECKY: Its an honor to finally meet you, Your Grace. I read your blog everyday and I listen to all of your social media sermons on my MP3 player. MASK: Thank you. 15

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS BECKY: Im an aspiring psychic and Im studying to be a femdom mistress like Sadie. MASK: Really? BECKY: Im into tickling, trampling, fisting, ball-busting, double penetration SADIE: Whoa! (nervous smile) All rightly then. MASK: What are you supposed to be? A furry? BECKY: Im a cosplayer. Theres a difference. MASK: You playing a jaguar? BECKY: Im a cheetah. MASK: Then I guess its not a good idea to sit next to you during an exam. Mask laughs, but Sadie and Becky dont find the humor in his joke. MASK: That was lame. SADIE: Naw! Really?! MASK: Why have you brought Becky the Cheater before me? SADIE: Shes a cheetah, damn you. Becky snickers. SADIE: Dont encourage him! BECKY: Sorry. My bad. SADIE: (clears throat) Becky here is going to help me hand out church tracts at the car meets. MASK: Can she dress skanky? BECKY: Skanky enough to bring the monster out of your monstrance, sugar. MASK: Amen to that. SADIE: Pervert! (pulls Beck away) Come on. Lets go shopping. Car meet. Night. Sadie and Becky hand out church tracts in a tight halter tops that read: I BURPING. SPECTATOR: Hey! Belch for me, baby! SADIE: By me a drink first, broke-ass. The Lulzwagen wins another race; it skids across the finish line and over heats. Mac rushes in and pulls Linz from the van. Mac grabs the fire extinguisher out of the back, flips up the hood and sprays down the burnt engine. Mask, Linz and Sadie approach. MASK: Well, thats that. SADIE: She had a good run, Linzy. But now its time to retire that piece of junk. LINZ: Hey, bitch, why dont you suck on my junk? BECKY: I like sucking on junk. Sadie grabs Becky and leaves with her. LINZ: Whos the redhead? 16


Bar. Night. Linz knocks back a few drinks. BARTEDNER: I thought you were going to ask for a diet cola. LINZ: My baby died on me. (lifts shot glass) To the death of lulz. Linz downs his last shot and leaves his money on the counter. Outside the bar, Linz sits on the step. He takes out a dime bag and rolling papers. He licks the edges of the paper and rolls the joint. As he light up, hears a police siren go woop-woop! Out of an unmarked unit steps Police Captain Miguel MeGusta. LINZ: Damn. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: How you doin Mondello? LINZ: Well, I was about to burn one. But since youre here, I guess Im MeGusta snatches the joint and takes a long hit. He exhales and smiles at Linz. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Lets go for ride, Mondello. Cankerton Park. Linz and MeGusta share the joint in MeGustas unmarked unit. LINZ: Isnt your dash cam gonna catch us doin this? CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: What dash cam? Linz and MeGusta burst out laughing. Linz puts the joint out and puts it into the baggie. LINZ: You got any donuts around here? CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Theres some cold coffee in the drink holder here. Linz takes the paper cup, removes the lid and begins drinking it. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: I dropped my retainer in it. Linz spits the coffee back into the cup and puts it. LINZ: Whyd you drag me out here, Mickey? You gonna sodomize me with your nightstick? CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Shut up and listen. Your Arch Bishop is about to be front page news. LINZ: I already know. Hes gonna get some big honor from the mayor. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: I brought you out here to tell you that theres a massive child pornography ring running in Fale County and the mastermind is somebody highly placed in religious society. LINZ: You think its the Bastard? CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: I dont know what to think. Im high as shit right now. But I do know Direct Debacle is running the story the same day as that big ceremony for the Arch Bishop. LINZ: Oh, thats not good. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: I dont have to tell you to watch your back, Linzy. LINZ: Hell no. Mondello is on top of things. 17

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Good. Then you know that your old friend Albert Okie may have his hand in this. Now, I know your fellow Bishop Mr. R Mcgeddon has a short fuse; hes gonna wanna protect the Arch Bishops name. I dont want him or any of your other pals gunning for Okie. If you have any information on this child porn thing, you bring it directly to me. Understand? MeGusta nudges Linz. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Mondello? Snoring Linz is slumped over against the passenger side window with his mouth wide open. Church. Day. Mac knocks on Linzs domain door. MAC: (knocks) Mondello? Mondellos Domain. Mac enters and finds Linz in bed. MAC: Mondello. Wake up. Linz slowly gets up and takes a sip of diet cola. MAC: The Arch Bishop has that ceremony with the mayor today. LINZ: You go ahead. Ill read about it online. MAC: Suit yourself. After Mac leaves, Linz gets up and stretches. He goes over to his desk and turns on his PC. Mac and Marge come out of the front Church doors with Sadie as a brand new, sleek silver concept microbus with an A logo pulls up. Out steps Masked Bastard a nd Mystique B. MAC: Nice ride. SADIE: Much better than that old red clunker. MASK: Just bought it from the Cankerton Auto Mall. I call it The Argentum. MARGE: What does that mean? MASK: Peep the paint job, sweetie. SADIE: Wait a minute. You dont have a license. Misty tosses the keys to Mask and leaves. SADIE: They let a giant insect drive a new vehicle off of their lot? MASK: They thought he was part of an oddities sideshow exhibit. SADIE: Oh. Hed fit right in. MASK: Wheres our resident chauffeur? MAC: Hes not feeling well. Ill drive. Mask gives the key to Mac. 18

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Linzs Domain. Linz sees a flyer for the Like A Boss Honorary Citizen ceremony. He stares at it for moment. MEGUSTAS VOICE: Direct Debacle is running the story the same day as that big ceremony for the Arch Bishop. Linz gets up and darts for his domain door. Linz comes out of the Church front doors to find that the Argentum has already taken off. LINZ: Damn it. (runs back to Church) Not good, not good. Argentum. Mac is driving with Mask on the passenger side and Sadie and Marge in the back. Masks cell phone buzzes. He checks the screen. MAC: Is it Linzy? MASK: No. Another urgent message from mizzhill114. MAC: I thought you had Mouse block and ban that users IP addres s. MASK: Apparently this person is using a proxy to surf the web anonymously. SADIE: Who the heck is miss hill? MASK: I dont know, but this person is telling me not to go to the ceremony today. MAC: Delete it. Its just some troll trying to get a rise out of you. Mask uses his thumb to tap the SAVE option on the inbox menu. Cankerton Municipal Building. Day. Mayor Grosscup comes to the podium before hundreds of citizens. MAYOR GROSSCUP: Good afternoon and welcome to yet another Like A Boss honorary c itizen ceremony. It is my great honor to be here today on this wonderful occasion MAN: (OS) You suck, Grosscup! WOMAN: (OS) Money Launderer! MAN: (OS) Fraudster! MAYOR GROSSCUP: (heated) Come up here on stage, pal! Ill kick your ass! MAN: (OS) How about you and your corrupt family get out of Cankerton!? Councilman Jerry Cogoggle comes to the podium, puts his hand over the mic and whispers to the mayor. Grosscup bobs his head and smiles again. Cogoggle takes his seat. MAYOR GROSSCUP: I guess we had you all fooled. (laughs) That little shouting match we just had was scripted. Just an appetizer before the main event. MAC: (OS) Your familys jewelry business is a front for organized crime! MAYOR GROSSCUP: (keeps smiling) And without further a due, I give you the Masked Bastard. The crowd cheers as Mask comes to the podium. 19

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: Thank you. (clears throat) Im not much of a public speaker, unless Im in the pulpit. Citizens laugh. MASK: Im sure many of you still have questions about who I am and what I do. Citizens begin checking their mobile devices. MASK: (OS) For those of you who do know, feel free to enlighten your neighbors about the Holy Father Church and the importance of free information. Murmurs sweep the crowd. More people check their cell phones. MASK: It is the Internet that gives us access to free information Grosscup checks his mobile device. He scrolls down the newsfeed. He taps the screen to select the Direct Debacle webpage. He looks up at the Arch Bishop at the podium. MAYOR GROSSCUP: Oh my God. COGOGGLE: Your Honor, we have to get him out of here. MAYOR GROSSCUP: Wait, Jerry. It could be a hoax. MASK: but there are those who would taint the information (observes crowd) and MAN: (OS) And what, you monster?! WOMAN: (OS) Taint the Web like you taint innocent children?! Jeers and boos flood the crowd. Grosscup and Cogoggle get up and come to the podium. MAYOR GROSSCUP: Now, now. Everybody relax. Calm down. MAN: (OS) Child predator! WOMAN: (OS) Pedophile! MAN: (OS) Masked Kiddie Diddler! Mask quickly leaves the stage with his Bishops. Back stage, Mask meets with Mac and Marge. MARGE: What the hell just happened out there? SADIE: (holds up cell phone) This. MARGE: No way. MAC: Your Grace, we have to get you out of here. SADIE: Yeah. I smell a riot brewing. MASK: Agreed. Mac, pull the Argentum around back. MAC: Yes, Your Grace. Back of City Hall. The Argentum pulls out and passes angry citizens throwing everything from vegetables, balled up ceremony flyers and even sex toys. A large brown dildo smacks into the window Sadie sits near. A black rubber diamond shaped object with a suction cup base is stuck to the windshield. MAC: (squints) Is that a butt plug?! 20


RAUNCH HQ. Linz gets out of a yellow Crap-E Cab and pays the driver. Linz enters Okies office. LINZ: What the hell was that, Al?! Okie is laid back in his office chair, smoking a cigar. OKIE: Progress. LINZ: Hes not a pedophile and you know it! OKIE: Well, according to the good people of Cankerton, he is. (gets up) Now, we have to think about expanding Albert Okie Ministries. LINZ: A mans livelihood is on the line! OKIE: I totally agree with you. For too long my video production company has languished in the shadows of your Arch Bishops Social Media Sin-Den. LINZ: Were done, Albert. OKIE: (flashes cash) Am I to understand that you need a new engine for your van? Linz shuts his eyes. OKIE: Youve paid off all of your gambling debts, but now you have no vehicle. Im offering you five grand of the two million youll get. Take it and fix your van. Go on vacation. Disappear. LINZ: (opens eyes) If you can do that to the Masked Bastard, whats to stop you from doing the same to me? OKIE: Linzy, were on the same team. LINZ: What team? OKIE: The Anglo-Saxon God-fearing Christian team. LINZ: You assume too much. OKIE: Look, that black bastard is finished. Cankerton and Fale County belong to us. Linz leaves. Okie smiles and takes a puff of his cigar. Outside of RAUNCH HQ. Pia and Dagon watch Linz get into the cab and take off. PIA: See what I mean? DAGON: This better work, Cardinal. PIA: I know my creation very well. Hell show his true colors under pressure. DAGON: Youve said that before about him. PIA: Things are different this time. He doesnt know why this is happening to him. Hell begin to second guess himself. Hell question his abilities to run the Church. Once he leaves the faith behind, hes open game. Then we can use him to destroy those accursed Sages! DAGON: Big talk from a cleric who got his ass handed to him by his own creation. 21

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS PIA: This time I wont fail you, my lord. DAGON: Youre boring me. PIA: The Masked Bastard will founder. Dagon leaves Pia without a word. Holy Father Church. The Bishops are in the Sanctuary gathered around Denizen Mouse is at a PC near the pulpit. MOUSE: It says here that religious terrorist Masked Bastard has been in an immoral and illicit secret relationship with an innocent and pure under aged Caucasian girl that he lured into his occult congregation via open chat rooms online. They all look to Sadie. SADIE: Dont look at me. Im legal. MOUSE: It also says that he is the mastermind behind a massive child pornography ring. MAC: Thats bullshit. MAGDA: Doesnt really matter now. MARGE: Yeah. The people are eating it up. MOUSE: Mac, you may want to get started on that lawsuit against the Debacle. Mac leaves. MOUSE: Mags, get on the horn over at the radio station. Let our listeners know the Church isnt going to take this laying down. Magda leaves. MOSUE: Sadie, go check on the Arch Bishop. Arch Bishops Domain. Sadie finds Mask near an old wooden podium with his back to her. SADIE: You okay? MASK: This is why I dont like being around people. SADIE: Not all people are like those fools at the ceremony. MASK: One minute they love you and the next they want to lynch you. Sadie goes around and faces him; she embraces him with her head against his chest. SADIE: Now do you see why I want to run away with you? Masks gloved hand comes up and gently strokes her habit-covered head. Garage of the Lulzwagen. Mac looks at the burnt out Lulzwagen engine. His cell phone rings. Mac puts it to his ear. MAC: Yeah. (puts tools away) Judge Blumberg. (listens) Sure, Ill be there. 22

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Cankerton Courthouse. Blumbergs Chambers. BLUMBUERG: How you been Frank? MAC: In light of the recent allegations against Arch Bishop, okay. BLUMBUERG: Ive got information that you may not like. MAC: I can deal. BLUMBUERG: Your fellow Bishop Linzy Mondello has been meeting with Pastor Okie. MAC: No way. What would he be doing with that scumbag? Blumberg shows Mac photo print outs of the Lulzwagen in front of RAUNCH HQ. MAC: How do I know these werent manipulated? BLUMBUERG: Theyre from a camera phone. MAC: Who sent you these? BLUMBUERG: They came from an email account with the RAUNCH website. Ill send you the full JPEG files later on. And guess what else? Pastor Okie just recently announced that hes expanding his ministrys video production distribution. MAC: Now it makes sense. Linzy sold out the Masked Bastard to pay his debts. BLUMBUERG: Lets not jump to conclusions here, Frank. MAC: Are you kidding? His van just blew up. Okie has to be paying him for this. BLUMBUERG: You and I both know that you have a temper. Dont do anything stupid. MAC: The only thing Im going to do right now is take what I know to the Arch Bishop. Mac leaves. Cankerton Park. Day. A lowrider pulls in. Absurd gets out and meets with Linz. ABSURD: Where you been, homie? LINZ: My ride blew up. I just wanted to tell you Im out. ABSURD: Out? No, Mondello. Unacceptable. LINZ: I cant race anymore, Absurd. ABSURD: Do you know how much cheddar you and I make in one night? Do you know many people show up to watch that little red van of yours smoke those youngsters? Youre a local celebrity, baby. And when you dont race, I dont get paid. And thats not good for business. LINZ: Im broke. Absurd hands Linz a wad of cash. LINZ: Dont tease me, man. ABSURD: I aint teasin. That should be enough to rebuild your entire block. LINZ: (takes money) Ill pay you back with interest. ABSURD: The only thing Im interested in is seeing that red van at my car meets. You just give me a cut of the stacks like you been doin. (checks cell phone) I gotta run. Holla at me later. 23

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Linz smiles and looks at the money. Garage. Night. Mac enters and sees a brand new engine on the table. Linz approaches. LINZ: You like it? MAC: Id be lying if I said I didnt. LINZ: Wanna help me put it in? MAC: Whered you get the money for this? LINZ: A mutual friend. MAC: A mutual friend? LINZ: Yeah. Something wrong with burrowing money from a friend? MAC: No. I think theres something wrong when youre more concerned about your van than the sex scandal the Arch Bishop is facing. LINZ: There is no sex scandal. Okies just pissin his britches because our Church is growing. MAC: How do you know Albert Okie is involved in this? Linz notices that Mac is pissed. LINZ: Something on your mind, R Mcgeddon? MAC: No. (backs away) You go ahead and fix your little van. Outside the Church Garage. Later. Absurd closes the hood of the Lulzwagen. Linz starts the van. Its running smoothly. LINZ: Thanks for the help, Absurd. ABSURD: Its all good. (gets into his car) You just be at that car meet Saturday night. LINZ: Listen. Can I leave my van at your place? ABSURD: You know the address, homie. Nearby. Mac and Mask watch the newly repaired Lulzwagen pull out behind Absurds car. MAC: Should we follow him? MASK: Go get my van. Mac pumps his fist and leaves. Cankerton Park. Much later. Mask and Mac sit in the Argetum. Across the way, Linz is seated on a picnic table drinking a can diet cola and puffing on a nice thick cigar. MASK: This doesnt prove anything, Mac. MAC: Blumberg showed me photos of the Lulzwagen at RAUNCH Headquarters. 24

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: This is his usual nightly routine. He buys a six pack of diet cola, cruises town to shake down a few hookers and then he ends up here either smoking a joint or a cheap cigar. MAC: Tonight its a stogie. MASK: I thought a stogie was a really heavy boot. MAC: Well, Id like to put my really heavy boot in his traitor ass. MASK: Ive seen enough, Mac. Take me back to the Church. MAC: (points) Your Grace, look! A car pulls up beside the Lulzwagen. MAC: Its Albert Okie! I know it! Captain MeGusta gets out of his unmarked unit and joins Linz. MAC: So the cops are in on this too! MASK: Youre making this up as you go and youre boring me. MAC: Your Lordship MASK: Back to the Church, Bishop. Mac starts the van. Car meet. Night. Linz finishes another race. He gets out of the Lulzwagen as people gather around him. Absurd joins Linz. Linz gives a portion of his winnings to Absurd. LINZ: You seen Sadie and Becky? ABSURD: Theyre over by the jons. Linz goes toward the potta pots. He sees Becky holding her cell phone, but no sign of Sadie. OKIE: (OS) Congratulations. Linz turns to Okie. Okie is in a trench coat with his hands behind back. OKIE: Youre very popular around here. LINZ: What the hell are you doing here, Al? OKIE: Just seeing what you do with your free time. (sees cash) Youre making a lot of money out here. Im starting to think that my two million in cash isnt good enough. LINZ: Youre a cowardly little weasel! OKIE: You knew this was coming, Mondello. You know how I work. LINZ: Yes, I do. Which is why Im telling the police everything. OKIE: Tell them what you want. You still have to prove it in court. LINZ: We have an attorney. Hes the best in Fale County. OKIE: Who? That jarhead Mister Apocalypse? LINZ: Its R Mcgeddon, dumb shit. OKIE: Ah, yes. Franklin Merrill Tower, the smart-tempered barracks lawyer who punched out a criminal defense attorney at a sentencing hearing. Dont make me laugh. 25

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: I wont. In fact, I intend to make you cry just like you did when your wife Hilda left you. OKIE: I dont know why youre acting like you dont need me, Linzy. But its okay. Youre going to screw up again and run out of money. And when you do, you come and see me. LINZ: Ill come and see you, all right. With the cops and a class action lawsuit! OKIE: You know what I can do, Mondello. I can and will make you disappear. One day youll get into that little red van of yours and never get out of it again. I can see the headlines now. Somebody tampered with the brakes or it simply exploded upon ignition. Think about that. Okie leaves. Behind Linz, Sadie comes out of the potta pot adjusting her spanky pants. BECKY: (covers nose) Geez, Sadie. SADIE: That was so orgasmic. Im about ten pounds lighter. BECKY: Speaking of lighter, bring one with you next time so you can burn some incense. Sadie and Becky meet with Linz. Linz looks at Sadie. LINZ: Where the hell were you? SADIE: I was(eyes shift) Fixing my hair. BECKY: She just took a huge dump. SADIE: Becky! BECKY: Oh, stop it. The entire county can smell what you just dropped in there. Linz waits for Sadie and Becky to leave, before he goes over to the porta pot Sadie used and opens the door. He shuts the door and gags. A female spectator approaches the porta pot. LINZ: Not if you want respiratory failure. The female spectator moves away from the porta pot. Asburds Garage. Night. Linz closes the garage door and locks it. MASK: (OS) Thats not like you. Linz spins around and sees Masked Bastard standing there. MASK: Hiding the Lulzwagen at a race promoters garage? LINZ: Your Grace, its not what you think MASK: Come with me. Linz walks with Mask. LINZ: Where are we going? MASK: Were going for a spin in my brand new ride. LINZ: Were you followed here? MASK: Linzy, always remember one thing. LINZ: Whats that? MASK: I am the Masked your Bastard. LINZ: Yes, Your Grace. 26

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: No matter what happens, no matter what people do or say to me, always look to The Most. For it is The Most that made me your Masked and personal Bastard. LINZ: Yes, Your Lordship. They get into Masks silver van and pull off. MASK: Do you believe the things they say about me in the media? LINZ: No way. Theyre all lies. MASK: Mac tells me youve been secretly meeting with Albert Okie. LINZ: Were old acquaintances. We used to drag race back in the day. MASK: Do you think hes behind these attacks on my character? LINZ: I know how he is. I know how he works. And I know how we can bring him down. MASK: Im listening. LINZ: His ex-wife, Hilda Okie. MASK: You sure he hasnt made her disappear? LINZ: Albert wouldnt off his wife. Too many people know her. Theyd know it was him right away. He moved out here to get away from her and his skeletons. Shes got all the dirt on him. Why he got kicked out of his own church. How she cleaned his clock in divorce court. Maybe even some of his online operations. If you find Hilda, you can shut Okie up. MASK: Are you working for him? Linz checks the passenger side rearview mirror. LINZ: I thought you didnt have a drivers license. MAKS: I dont. LINZ: Is this thing insured? MASK: Nope. Behind the van, a squad car puts on its flashers. LINZ: Perfect. Mask pulls over. The patrolman gets out and knocks on the driver side window. Mask puts the window down. MASK: Good evening, officer. I am the Masked your Bastard. PATROLMAN: License and registration. And take off the mask. MASK: I dont have a license or registration, officer. The patrolman sees Linz on the passenger side. PATROLMAN: You okay, sir? MASK: Hes fine. Hes one of my Bishops and Im taking him back to the Church. PATROLMAN: Step out of the van, sir. Mask leans over to Linz while he undoes his seat belt. MASK: When you see me removing my mask, close your eyes. LINZ: Why? 27

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: Because I need you to remember everything you did in the last 12 hours. Mask gets out and faces the officer. PATROLMAN: You had anything to drink? MASK: Yes. PATROLMAN: What? MASK: Spring water. Distilled. Eighty-nine cents a gallon at the local dollar market. PATROLMAN: Dont get cute with me. MASK: My apologies, officer. PATROLMAN: And I thought I told you to take off that damned mask. MASK: The mask is for your protection. PATROLMAN: From what? MASK: From me. PATROLMAN: (grins) Oh, I know who you are. Youre that bishop who likes molesting kids. MASK: You believe everything the media tells you? PATROLMAN: I believe I told you to take off that mask, Arch Bishop. Mask bobs his head and puts his gloved hands to his head. Linz sees this, shuts his eyes and covers them with his hands. Mask lifts his face plate away and visage-flashes the officer. The officers face is a blank page. Mask pads him on the shoulder. MASK: Have a good evening, officer. Mask gets into the silver van and pulls away. When the van is a good distance away, the officer comes to. He looks around before he gets into his car and drives away. Cankerton Courthouse. Day. Mac meets with Blumberg in the courtroom. Mac shows Blumberg the newspaper. BLUMBERG: You can sue for libel and slander. But it might not be enough to keep the media off the Chruchs front lawn. MAC: Albert Okie is doing this. He wants to bring down our leader. BLUMBERG: You know how this racket works, Frank. Bring evidence and you can prosecute. MAC: I oughta load my rifle, go over to Raunch Headquarters and have a chat with Okie. BLUMBERG: Then Okie wins and Cankerton will lose its only decent attorney. MAC: Those pricks over at Direct Debacle should be jailed and that entire tabloid testicle shut down. The Arch Bishop is honorable. They dont know what hes done for Fale County. BLUMBERG: They dont know and they dont care. They print whatever s ells newspapers. MAC: Its not right. And Linzy should be ashamed of himself for working with Okie. BLUMBERG: Take it easy, Frank. MAC: Im going to get to the bottom of this. BLUMBERG: Youre a lawyer and a Bishop, not a vigilante. 28

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MAC: Im starting to think being a vigilante is the only way to get straight answers. BLUMBERG: Go rouge if you want. But dont bring that street justice crap into my courtroom. Mac leaves in a huff. RAUNCH HQ. Okies garage. Okie is working under the hood of his gold sport-van. Someone approaches from behind and grabs him. Okie is flung into the work table and grabbed up again by Mr. R Mcgeddon. OKIE: My lawyers are going to love this, Frank. MAC: (shoves Okie) Only my friends call me Frank. OKIE: Howd you get in here? MAC: Soldiers secret. Im here to tell you to lay off the Arch Bishop. OKIE: Or what? MAC: Do you really want me to come back here again? OKIE: Yes. Please do. Ill have my men armed and ready. Mac takes out his sidearm, grabs Okie by the shirt and puts the gun under Okies chin. OKIE: Take it easy, Frank. MAC: I dont give a shit about your pansy-ass goons. You mess with me and Ill level this entire complex with you under it. OKIE: My beef is with the Masked Bastard, not you. MAC: The Masked Bastard is my friend. You mess with him. You mess with me. OKIE: Your friends. How close are you with Linzy Mondello? Mac lowers the gun a bit. OKIE: You know like I know that he has his hand in this too. Mac releases Okie and moves away from him. OKIE: He came to me asking for money to pay his debts. So I told him, If you turn over on the Arch Bishop, Ill give you two million in cash. And guess what? He jumped at it quicker than a Downtown Cankerton call girl. MAC: Youre a liar. OKIE: Ask him. See what he says to you. You wont get an honest answer out of him because hes trying to save his own neck. (holds out arms) You wanna shoot me, shoot me. Defend your Arch Bishops honor. You dont want to believe me, but deep down inside, you know its true. Mac puts his gun away and leaves. Linz sees Denizen Mouse going out of the Arch Bishops office. LINZ: Computer trouble? MOUSE: Nah. Just updating the Arch Bishops security settings. LINZ: Another stalker? 29

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MOUSE: Somebody named mizzhill114 keeps sending him urgent messages, but hes afraid to open them because of the virus risk. Linz follows Mouse to the Arch Bishops desk. MOUSE: Once I upload this patch, itll be so long, mizzhill. LINZ: Miss Hill? (laughs) Thats random. MOUSE: Well, not really. Must people use screen names that relate to real-time info that they use daily. So mizzhill can be a variation of her real name or a nickname. LINZ: And this person has been pestering the Arch Bishop? MOUSE: Yeah. For a few weeks now. You know, its funny. This mizzhill person sent a message to the Arch Bishop the day that child-molestation story ran. It was right before he went to the ceremony with the mayor. If thats not a stalker, I dont know what is. Linz is like a statue; his wheels are turning. LINZ: Miss Hill. One-one four. Thats it! Linz sits down and pulls up the keyboard. MOUSE: What are you doing? LINZ: Shes was trying to warn him. (types) Look! Her screen name ID light is on. MOUSE: Youre gonna chat with that psycho? LINZ: Oh, shes no psycho. Shes trying to help us. Linz opens a new chat window using Masked Bastards screen name. mb2522: mizzhill? r u there? They wait a few seconds. The messenger response chime rings. mizzhill114: yes mb2522: this is linzy mondello mizzhill114: hello linz mizzhill114: r u alone? MOUSE: You know this person? LINZ: Go get the Arch Bishop. MOUSE: Hes out with Mac. LINZ: Well, get him back here! Mouse leaves the office. Linz continues typing. mb2522: is albert behind the child molestation story? mizzhill114: yes he is mizzhill114: linz mizzhill114: theres something else about albert u must know 30

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Linz stares at the screen in unbelief. He grows angry and leaves. The Lulzwagen pulls out of the Church garage and speeds off. Nearby, the Arch Bishops silver microbus starts up and follows. Parking Lot. Mask and Mac watch Linz speed walk into RAUNCH HQ. MAC: See? I told you hes a traitor. MASK: We have to get back to the Church before he does. The Argentum hangs a U-turn and goes the opposite way. Okies Office. Okie pours himself a drink. He hears the door shut. He turns and is shoved in the liquor cabinet. Linz grabs Okie by the shirt and holds him against the wall. LINZ: You son of bitch! You set me up! OKIE: What are you talking about? Im on your side. LINZ: Your ex-wife. Hilda told me everything, you little troll! OKIE: Hilda?! Shes dead! LINZ: Shes alive, Al. She was on our chat server. Okie pulls away from Linz. LINZ: She told me everything. Whyd you do it? Okie goes over to his desk and sits down. OKIE: I dont even know myself. I guess I enjoy it. LINZ: Enjoy it!?! Theyre kids, man! OKIE: Hey, every man has his flaws. (stands up) I guess you must think Im really raunchy. But you, Mondello. Youre righteous. You couldnt be dishonest if you were paid to. Okie opens the suitcase of cash. OKIE: But this is what I can offer in return for your silence. Linz bobs his head. He pulls the suitcase over toward him. LINZ: Youre right. Every man has his flaws. Okie comes over to Linz with a cigar. Linz takes the cigar and puts it into his mouth LINZ: Got a light? Okie takes out a lighter. LINZ: Thanks. Linz quickly sucker punches Okie in the gut. After Okie crumples to the floor, Linz pulls out a small bottle of lighter fluid. He sprinkles lighter fluid on the cash. 31

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Yeah, I have my flaws. (ignites lighter) But my loyalties far outweigh my imperfections. Linz drops the lighter into the suitcase. The currency goes up in flames. Linz lights his cigar on the tip of the burning suitcase and leaves. LINZ: See you around, Al. Cankerton Park. Linz is on top of a picnic table drinking a diet cola. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: (OS) Rough night? Linz belches and throws the soda can. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Thats littering. The can lands in a recycle bin nearby. LINZ: Not dash cam, no evidence. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Were on your side, Linzy. LINZ: Your men could be on Okies payroll. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Theyre not anymore. Ive cleaned house. LINZ: You cant guarantee that. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: We can take Okie down. Legit. LINZ: (gets up) Im going to tell the Arch Bishop everything. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Dont do anything crazy. LINZ: (leaves) Too late for that, Captain. Church. Garage. Linz gets out of the Lulzwagen and shuts the door. When he turns toward the door, he is stuck in the face. Linz goes down and Mac grabs him up. LINZ: What are you doing?! MAC: Shut up! Mac holds Linz down as Mask, Misty, Mouse and Marge enter. Mac gets up and takes out his gun. LINZ: Whats going on? MAC: Shut up! (points) Dont you say another word. Mask stands before Linz with his arms folded. MAC: Now, the Arch Bishop is going ask you some questions LINZ: (gets to his knees) What is this?! MAC: Stay down! Linz notices that the other Bishops are pissed off. MAC: Now, His Grace has some questions for you. If you dont answer them honestly, I swear to The Most, Im going to kill you right here, right now. (looks Mask) 32

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: Are you working for Albert Okie? Linz drops his head. Mac cocks the hammer. The Bishops await his reply. LINZ: Yes. MAC: Son of a bitch! MASK: Put the gun away, Mac. MAC: Hes a traitor, Your Grace! MASK: (points) Put it away. Mac holsters his sidearm. Mask kneels before Linz. MASK: Youre facing excommunication. LINZ: I know. MASK: Then why did you do it? LINZ: (looks up) To protect you. MAC: Bullshit! MASK: Be quiet, Mac. MAC: Hes a damn liar! MASK: (turns head to Mac) Be quiet. (turns back to Linz) How were you protecting me? Linz spits blood on the floor and wipes his lip. LINZ: Albert Okies running a massive child pornography ring in Cankerton. He was going to pay me two million dollars to help him make you look like a pedophile. MASK: Did you take the money? LINZ: (exhales) No. MASK: Then why did you go there tonight? LINZ: I went there to confront him about what he was trying to do to us. MASK: Us? LINZ: After Okie was done smearing you, he and his men were going to pin the whole thing on me. They were going to tell the cops that the child porn sites were all my idea, and that I got you to use your position and influence to run the whole thing. MAC: You let him keep the money? LINZ: No. I burned it. MOUSE: You burned it?! LINZ: Okies ex-wife told me everything on the chat server. MASK: Ex-wife? LINZ: Yes. Hilda. She was using the screen name mizzhill114. The numbers are the month and day of her divorce from Okie. Shes been trying to contact you so she could help you. MASK: I took her for another stalker. 33

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Hilda told me everything Okie was planning to do before he left his hometown. The kiddie porn ring is the reason he got thrown out of the church he started. The chair people over at RAUNCH are all in on it. So I went over, poured lighter fluid on the cash and burned it. MAC: You burned two million in cash? LINZ: Well, some of it. MAC: You really are crazy. MASK: Why didnt you just take the money? LINZ: (eyes Mac) Because Im no traitor. Mac lowers his eyes. LINZ: (to Mask) And my loyalty to the Church and to my Arch Bishop are more valuable than Albert Okies dirty, dishonest, child-molester money. MASK: (stands) Let him up. Linz stands up and faces Mac, who cant look Linz in the face. LINZ: You feel bad? MAC: Yeah. LINZ: Good. Linz slugs Mac in the face. But the towering Bishops head only jerks a bit. Mac realizes that Linz is pissed off. MAC: (bobs head) I deserve that. Linz walks away.

Okies office. Night. Okie is at his desk. A group of men in army fatigues stand before him. OKIE: You men used to work for Colonel Fishmeal. But now you work for me. You are no longer soldiers in a military, but Crusaders for Almighty God. You will hunt down that balding, pot-toking, Scooby van-driving, hippie reject and smoke him like Cuban cigar. OKIE GOON: Weve already fixed his van, pastor. We wont need any guns. OKIE: Good. You have done the Lords will. The men leave the office. Okie looks at his burnt money on top of his liquor cabinet. Arch Bishops Office. Mask is behind his desk with his cellphone to his ear. Sadie is sitting on his lap scrolling through her selfies on his computer. MASK: Hilda Okie? This is the Masked Bastard. How are you? Good. Listen, how soon can you come to Cankerton? Really? Wow. You dont waste any time. We need to get together and meet with Police Captain Miguel MeGusta. Okay. Sounds good. Thank you. 34

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS Mask puts his cell phone. Sadie turns to him with a grin. SADIE: Bene-dick-tion? MASK: Ya damn skippy. On the desk. SADIE: Wait. (leaves) I have to pee. MASK: Hurry up. Church Garage. Night. Linz is under the hood of the Lulzwagen. Mac approaches with his tool box. MAC: Hey. Mac sits his tool box on the worktable. MAC: Look. UhI feel really bad about what I did. Linz keeps working without a word. MAC: I made judgments about you without hearing you out or knowing the entire story. Now, as a soldier and veteran, I have my pride. But as a human being, I must apologize for my rash and thoughtless actions. Im sorry for what I did to you and for what I thought about you. And from one Lord Bishop to another, I hope that you can forgive me. Linz comes from under the hood and smiles. LINZ: Of course I forgive you. (they shake on it) We are Bishops of Bastard. And as Lord Bishops under His Grace, we are brothers. And brothers should always forgive. (turns away) Now. Lets crank this betty up and see if we cant make her nastier than Sadies used spanky pants. MAC: Ooh. Now thats deadly. Outside the garage. Dagon turns to Pia with a smirk. PIA: What the hell happened?! He was ready to kill that bald fool! DAGON: You underestimate the power of human reconciliation. PIA: It doesnt make sense. DAGON: Not to a downy fool like you. But dont worry. Your plan may still work. Pia mumbles to himself and walks away. Car meet. Night. Sadie and Becky hand out Church tracts. Absurd joins Mask and Mac. ABSURD: Yo, somebody broke into my garage last night. MAC: Was the Lulzwagen there? ABSURD: Nah. It was gone when I got there. 35

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: Then we have nothing to worry about. Linz pulls up to the starting line. Sadie and Becky are both wearing spanky pants that read: I ANAL. SADIE: Ready? BECKY: Set? SADIE & BECKY: Go! The cars shoot off down the strip. Linz lets the cars get a good distance away. LINZ: Show time. He hits the nitrous button, but the Lulzwagen doesnt speed up. Instead, it pipes black smoke from the rear. LINZ: Not good, not good. Linz pulls off the track and gets out. He sees the other cars in the distance. Church Garage. Later. Mask, Linz, and Mac watch Misty and Mouse check on the Lulzwagen. Absurd only stares jaw-dropped at the giant animals as they work. Misty approaches with a spark plug with a wire attached to it. MISTY: (electrolarynx) The 02 sensory was tampered with. MAC: Causing the issue with the exhaust pipe prior to the muffler. MASK: Way to use those compound eyes, Misty. MISTY: (electrolarynx) Thank you, Your Grace. Mouse comes forth with burnt pieces of paper. MOUSE: I found this shoved in the tail pipes. MASK: What is it? Mouse puts the burn shavings under his large pointed snout. His wet, pink nose twitches. MOUSE: (sniffs) Its light-weight paper. (sniffs) Possibly from a giant roll. LINZ: Giant roll? MASK: Yeah. A factory roll. You know. What Sadie uses to wipe her ass. MOUSE: High levels of C02Im picking up bark, (sniffs) harvest residuals, and other byproducts of the manufacturing process. Traces of polymer and high-end printing ink. MASK: All of that paper made the Lulzwagen burn out? MOUSE: No way. This paper was burned before it was stuffed in there. MAC: Manufactured, light weight paper? High-end ink? I dont get it. ABSURD: I do Absurd takes a piece of burnt paper and holds it up. ABSURD: See that? They look closely at the burnt fragment. 36

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MAC: I dont see anything. MASK: I do. Looks like an oval design of some type. MISTY: (electrolarynx) Its an eyeball. Absurd shows them a few more burnt pieces. ABSURD: Heres the other eye. The mouth. The other half of the face. The Note Number, the Federal Seal and the Series Date. Gentlemen, please say hello to Mister Ben Franklin. MOUSE: Its money. MAC: Somebody stuffed burn money into Linzs tailpipe? LINZ: Its Okie. I burned his money, so he gave it to me in spades. Rapid gun fire rings out. Mac pushes the Arch Bishop to the floor, gets out his twin cannons and runs head-long outside. Misty flies out to joint Mac. Gunfire stops. Men are heard screaming. Mac and Misty come back inside. MAC: Those were Okies goons. ASBURD: That old man must be on some serious gangsta type shit. MASK: No. He and his men are on some punk-bitch shit. LINZ: Well, hell. Id haul ass too if a giant wasp came flyin at me. MOUSE: We gotta stop this leak, Your Grace. We need a plan. MISTY: (electrolarynx) Yes, Your Grace. Whats the plan? MASK: We have a guest arriving soon. But we need Okie and his goons preoccupied while me and the police captain get together. Absurd, we need for you to arrange one final race. ABSURD: With who? MASK: Linzy and Pastor Okie. LINZ: (smiles) When and where? Wastelands. Day. Linz leans on the driver side fender with his arms folded. A loud vehicle is heard approaching. A gold sport-van pulls up across from Linz. Out steps Albert Okie. Linz meets with him. OKIE: Ready to do this? LINZ: I thought you didnt race anymore. OKIE: Well, what can I say? You convinced me. LINZ: What convinced you to start shagging 13-year-old boys? OKIE: Come on, now. I dont just shag boys. Im no faggot. LINZ: You engage in sex acts with underage children and sell the videos online. Is that your great legacy, Al? Huh? Is that the crux of Albert Okie Ministries? OKIE: We dont just do kiddie porn. Theres bestiality, torture, sexual slavery. LINZ: What happened to you, Al? 37

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS OKIE: What happened to you? Twenty years ago you wouldnt be taught dead in a church. LINZ: People change. OKIE: Oh, you changed, all right. We were cut from the same cloth. And what do you do? You take sides with that black bastard. Youre a traitor to your race and your country. LINZ: At what point in your life did you lose your humanity and become a total scumbag? OKIE: Well, I think Ive always been a scumbag. LINZ: Look, if you want me, come for me. Leave my fellow Bishops out of this. OKIE: As long as youre around them, theyll be in the crosshairs with you. LINZ: Okay then. Lets make a deal. We race for what we want. When I win the race, you have to back off of the Arch Bishop and the Congregation. Then you leave Cankerton. OKIE: And when I win, wellIll leave it up to your imagination. Okie looks to the Lulzwagen. OKIE: Whos that in your van? LINZ: Insurance. OKIE: An insurance agent? LINZ: No. I said insurance. OKIE: Insurance for what? LINZ: So you wont try to wreck me. OKIE: Lets do this. LINZ: We start over at the light. First one past the custard stand down the road is the winner. Okie heads to his sport-van. He pulls out his cell phone and dials. OKIE: Its me. Whether or not I win the race, when Mondello passes your position, you release the bird from the cage. Behind the custard stand. One of Okies goons has a shoulder-fired missile launcher ready. OKIE GOON: Copy that. Linz gets into the Lulzwagen. He dials a number on his cell phone hooked to the dashboard. MASK: (on phone) Yeah? LINZ: Im in position. MASK: (on phone) Good. LINZ: I wish you would tell me what the plan is. MASK: (on phone) Like I told you before. Once you pass the next light, you fall back. LINZ: So youre saying, let Okie win the race? MASK: (on phone) Exactly. LINZ: Youd better be right. 38

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MASK: (on phone) Linzy, what did I tell you to remember? LINZ: That you are the Masked my Bastard. MASK: (on phone) Then behave like it. See you at the crash site (hangs up) LINZ: Crash site? Linz looks to the person on the passenger side. LINZ: Hang on. Thisll be over shortly. The vans pull up to the white line of the intersection. They rev up when the opposite light turns yellow, and then turns red. At the green light, both vans take off. Okies gold sport-does a wicked wheelie as it takes off and picks up speed quickly. The microbus is ahead of the sport-van, but Okie is gaining. Linz sees the gold van gaining in his rearview. He flips up the panel on the Nitrous button and hits it. The microbus leaves Okie behind. Linz sees another intersection followed by a custard stand coming up. Okie grins and lifts the drink holder between the front bucket seats. He turns the wheel-like hand values on two giant nitrous tanks. He flips a panel on the dash to reveal a NOS button. OKIE: You blew your wad too early, Mondello! Okie hits the button and the sport-van blasts away. Linz sees the sport-van gaining. Linz lets off the throttle. The intersection is moments away. The light facing them turns red. Linz slams on his brakes. But Okie flies through the intersection at top speed and slams head-on into a silver microbus as it pulls out. Okies van goes into a violent fishtail and then a vicious barrel roll. Linz watches Okies gold van tumble down the pavement with blue nitrous flames still shooting from the tailpipes. The sport-van rolls to a stop on its roof. Okies van stops about a quarter mile shy of the custard stand. Masked Bastard gets ou t of the wrecked silver microbus unharmed. He jumps onto the roof of the Lulzwagen and hitches a ride to where Okie wiped out. Okie kicks the driver side door open. The Lulzwagen pulls up. Linz gets out and Mask jumps down from the roof. Okies got blo od on his face and shirt, but hes not gravely injured. Mask reaches down, grabs Okie up and props him up against the overturned van. MASK: Greeting, Pastor Okie. I am the Masked your Bastard. OKIE: Dont touch me, you black bastard! MASK: Youre in a whole realm of shit. OKIE: You got nothing on me, hubcap face. MASK: Thats where youre wrong. Linz approaches with a folder in hand. LINZ: Here are the files linking you and RAUNCH to the kiddie porn sites. OKIE: You think you can threaten me? If you do anything to smear my ministry, Ill end you! LINZ: Youll kill me, Okie? Is that what youre saying? 39

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: Ill kill you and anybody who gets in my way just like I killed my ex-wife. LINZ: Well, I hope have a good defense tram. Because the cops heard everything you just said. OKIE: Youre bluffing. LINZ: (shows wire) Im afraid not, Al. (speaks to hidden mic) All right, Captain. Weve got him. Okies face turns pale when Captain MeGustas unmarked unit pulls up. OKIE: First youre spook-lover, now youre a snitch?! LINZ: You know I dont like racism, Al. But where youre going, therell be lots of male -on-male mud wrestling, smoke-jumping and plenty of interracial fudge packing. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: (applies cuffs) Albert Okie, youre under arrest. OKIE: Wait! (to Linz) I just gotta know. Whos in the van? MASK: Linzy, show your friend here who came to visit. An elderly woman with white hair approaches. OKIE: Hilda?! CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Would this be Hilda Okie, your ex-wife? OKIE: But, youre dead! I meanyou died in a car crash! HILDA: I died in a crash? After someone tampered with my brakes? (to MeGusta) Ill testify against him. Even if it means my life. OKIE: Hildie! How could you?! HILDA: Now, Albert. You dont seriously think I set this whole thing up, do you? Okie looks to Linz. Linz is smiling. OKIE: You son of a bitch! You set me up! MASK: Take him away, Captain. CAPTAIN MEGUSTA: Come on, Albert. OKIE: Ill get you for this, Mondello! You know what I can do! Youll never be safe! Let me go! Im a preacher, god damn it! Im a child of the Lord! Im a good person! You rat bastards! MASK: Lets get back to the Church. We have a new member to induct. Pia and Dagon watch from afar. PIA: I cant believe it. He risked his life for that pot-smoking moron. DAGON: The Arch Bishop is noble and a true friend. Maybe you should be trying to get in his good graces as well. PIA: Youre the one that said Okie was right for the job! DAGON: And you banked on that pedophile when you clearly stated that the people of the city would bring the Arch Bishop down. PIA: It wasnt supposed to happen like this. What did I do wrong? DAGON: You are an astonishing fool. (leaves) Maybe next time, Padre. 40


Church. Mistys Hive. Blindfolded Becky carefully steps down into a pool of fresh honey in her bra and panties. She is led toward Misty by Masked Bastard. The other Bishops watching are all wearing their white ceremonial garb. Misty takes a piece of honeycomb and smears it on Beckys forehead. He takes Becky by the back of the head and her spinal column and carefully lowers her into the honey. He brings her back up drenched in honey. She removes the blindfold and screams her head off. Mask moves her away from Misty toward the center of the honey pool. BECKY: Oh my God! Is that a bee?! (gasps) Oh God! Its friggin bee! I giant freakin bee! MASK: Close your eyes. BECKY: Why? MASK: If you dont, youll get breakfast in them. Becky shuts her eyes just before the Bishops begin flinging cereal at her. After Becky is coated with corn flakes and crispy rice, she opens her eyes. MISTY: (electrolarynx) Behold, Our Lady Becky. The Bishops clap and cheer while Becky begins eating the honey and cereal on her body. Church Sanctuary. All of the Bishops watch the news on a large plasma screen. ANNOUNCER: And now, a special message from our own Mayor Grosscup. MAYOR GROSSCUP: Good evening. Citizens of Cankerton, I few days ago, one of our most prominent citizens, an Arch Bishop, was ruthlessly attacked by the tabloid newspaper Direct Debacle. He was publicly humiliated and made out to be a monster without evidence and without mercy. But thanks to Captain Miguel MeGusta and the Cankerton Police Department, a vigorous investigation has revealed that the slanderous story written about the Arch Bishop was a atrocious, religiously motivated hit-job on his character and his ministry orchestrated by Internet evangelist and R.A.U.N.C.H. chairperson Albert Okie, the true mastermind behind a massive child pornography ring here in Fale County. Okie is now in police custody and is being charged with a number of crimes for his role in this scheme. So I give this message to the Arch Bishop: if you are watching, the City of Cankerton extends to you a formal apology. Please dont leave our fair city for what one citizen chose to do. Your Social Media Church is so important to so many people. Let us continue to work together so that my next term in office will be a great one. SADIE: Can you believe the balls on this rat bastard? BECKY: Still trying to solicit campaign funding from the Arch Bishop. 41

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS MAC: What do you say, Your Grace? Do you accept that apology? But Mask only leaves without a single word. Invisibase. Jolen and Pia watch Masked Bastard walk down the hallway of the Church. JOLEN: Now do you see why I selected him? PIA: Oh, please. He was ready to cry when he walked off that stage. JOLEN: But he stayed strong through the entire ordeal. PIA: That still doesnt prove anything. JOLEN: It proves, Cardinal, that you fear the Arch Bishop more than I do. You seek to control him through duress and coercion. I give him the free will to choose, just like I did you. PIA: Free will is an illusion and you know it. Hes trapped on earth and his powers have been limited. You keep him at a safe distance, for if he is too close, he sees through the veil of lies. JOLEN: You must first believe your own lies, Dindar. PIA: Dont call me that. That naive young Bishop that you once controlled is gone. JOLEN: You know what the sad thing is? Dagon has convinced you that I am your enemy. PIA: You are. Any father who promises his heir the throne and then denies it to him in his time is not a parent at all. I long for the day when Chaos and Havoc enter into this city and destroy you and your accursed brother and sister. That is what I have been convinced of. JOLEN: Then know this. My death will not bring you peace or the throne you so covet. You cannot kill me without also killing a part of yourself. Once I am gone, your ties to this realm and your chances for redemption are gone as well. PIA: I will find a way to destroy you, just as the prophecy says. JOLEN: Your time is up. Pia stands there for a moment. He scoffs with a head nod and leaves. Jolen turns back to the image and sees the Arch Bishop entering the Church Garage. Mask finds Linz packing up the last of his luggage. MASK: So youre really leaving us? LINZ: You guys will never be safe from Okies goons. MASK: We can protect you, Linzy. You know that. LINZ: I just need some time away. You know? To clear my head. Church lawn. Mask walks with Linz to the idling Lulzwagen by the road. MASK: Where will you go? 42

THE RAUNCH AND THE RIGHTEOUS LINZ: I dont know. Maybe take a little road trip. MASK: Youre always welcome here, Mondello. LINZ: Thank you, Arch Bishop. But, youve got a new convert to tend to now. Hildas working with the police to put Okie away and your name has been cleared. My job here is done. MASK: Very well. Mask holds out his hand, but Linz hugs the Arch Bishop. LINZ: Goodbye, Your Grace. Linz gets into the Lulzwagen and pulls off. MASK: Goodbye, Lord Bishop. The red microbus moves further down the road. MASK: Go with the Sages. Go forth in the name of The Most. Mask turns from the road and heads back to the Church. After the credits The Lulzwagen speeds past a sign that says: WELCOME TO MEMEVILLE. He spots two girls at roadside with the hood of their car up. Linz pulls over. Both girls are wearing short-shorts, bikini tops and flip-flops. LINZ: Problem, ladies? GIRL 1: Were on our way to a car meet in Memeville. GIRL 2: But our piece-of-crap car broke down. GIRL 1: Care to give us a lift in your little red van? Linz only smiles at the girls and winks at us.


Linzy Mondello is at a hotel in Memeville. He thinks about his last words to Arch Bishop Masked Bastard before leaving the Church. Outside, a bunch of armed hit men prepare to storm Mondello's hotel room. Linzy senses this and moves to the rear of his room. When the hit men break into the room, Linzy is already gone. Back at R.A.U.N.C.H. Headquarters, the chairmen have a meeting. On screen is a slideshow about Linzy Mondello. Linzy continues his travels south on Super Highway 69. He meets hot girls and packs them in his microbus. Meanwhile, representatives for R.A.U.N.C.H. give the Memeville Police wanted posters of Mondello. At another motel, Mondello goes downstairs to get ice. He spots the Memeville police in the lobby. He quickly slips out back, gets into the Lulzwagen and vanishes. Linzy stops at a burger stand where he orders a burger, fries and a diet cola. He sees his wanted poster on a peg board. Then he spots a big booty cutie nearby, whom he takes for a ride in his microbus. The cutie turns out to be an undercover cop; she shows him a set of handcuffs and gestures for him to pullover. Linzy smiles and shows her a tube of lubricant. As the undercover officer goes to cuff Linzy, the passenger side door opens and her seat rumbles before she is ejected into a cow pasture, face down in manure. Linzy continues driving until he comes to a trailer park. As he pays for his unit with cash, he sees a tricked out car enter through the gate. Later that night, Linzy waits for the race car to leave and follows the driver. The driver ends up at a car meet where a street race is about to take place. Linzy challenges all the drivers and shows them a wad of cash. They all put their money in. The Lulzwagen starts off slow, but beats them all. In the end, Linzy takes the money and shakes Aburd's hand. Linzy then gets into his van and looks to the screen on the dash panel. There is a news report of a microbus-driving jewel thief called the plastic bastard. But, Linzy is interrupted when he finds that his microbus is full of sexy ladies. He smiles and pulls off with the final title card reading: