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gets a glass and ice. (She rushes to the kitchen. The liquors gone. the record player. they must have just left.Why is this place such a mess? EDNA ! We’ve been robbed.ACT 1..Apartment 14A. He doesn’t even seem to notice the room. EDNA is on the phone.) All right..I’m all alone.. She crossed the room.I haven’t checked the drawers yet. Television. I found ! the door open. We see MEL walking into the house with a suit.. It is obvious what has happened...I don’t ! know yet.385 East 88th Street..I’ve just been robbed.Mrs. Then she goes over to the bureau and starts to look through the drawers. I have to have a drink. Thank you. lifts a chair up and sets it right..Calm down..there’s not a thing left in his closet. He closes the door and hangs his jacket in the closet.A drink. she sobs louder... Edna Edison. drawers are pulled open.Would you.. there is sound in the front door. Scene 2 At the curtain’s rise. clothing.. . As she discovers new things are missing. Mrs.. She is shaking. Mel? (EDNA comes into the room cautiously...... books.I just walked in.They took !suits .Mondays and Thursdays.Edison.I just ! walked in. they took everything.. While that is going on. Chairs are overturned... the room is in a shambles.. They took the liquor.) MEL ! Didn’t Mildred come in to clean today? EDNA ! Not today.) Mel? Is that you... exhausted.. EDNA ! (sobbing) Edison...Two ! minutes sooner. Valium. then rushes back out into the living room). Edna Edison.. My husband isn't’ home from work yet. and he looks around the room for the first time. MEL ! What happened here?. He falls into a chair. then turns and looks at the room. I could have been killed... I could have been killed.I want a Valium (She gets up and rummages through. please? Send somebody tight away.. (She hands up....
MEL ! When you came back into the building did you notice anyone suspicious looking? EDNA ! Everyone MEL ! in this building is suspicious looking. I was out shopping. You didn’t see anybody carrying any bundles or packages? . Edna.What do you mean.They called up and made an appointment? We’ve been robbed! MEL ! All right. He slowly rises and then looks around the room again. because I was only gone five minutes. MEL ! Five minutes. What happened? What did they get? EDNA ! I don’t know yet. MEL ! You couldn’t have gone give minutes. I found it like this. I came back.. heh? Then we’d better call the FBI. Look at this place. Take it easy. because every crook in New York must have been in here. I’m just asking a simple question.. that’s all I was gone. someone just walked in and robbed us? EDNA ! What do you think?. they take things out! They robbed us!! MEL ! (Keeps turning and looking at the room) I don’t understand. EDNA ! Five minutes.. robbed? EDNA ! (Starts the cry) Robbed! Robbed! What does robbed mean? They come in.(MET looks at her in shock.. EDNA ! Then that’s who was in here.) MEL ! What do you mean. calm down. I was gone five minutes.
sit there. they’re going to take the cheap Scotch and leave the Chivas Regal. eh? They must have been gorillas to lift all that in five minutes. MEL ! All right. MEL ! All the Scotch? EDNA ! All the Scotch. EDNA ! It won’t calm me down. MEL ! The Chivas Regal too? EDNA ! No. They took t all. It was here. EDNA ! (Sitting down) I don’t want a drink. MEL ! A little Scotch. . They took the Scotch too. they cleaned us out. you didn’t notice? EDNA ! I didn’t notice. because there’s no Scotch.) The brand new color television? EDNA ! They’re not looking for 1948 Philcos. MEL ! What do you mean. (He runs outside and comes back in) All in five minutes. They took it. It’ll calm you down. I’ll get a drink. You think I look for people leaving the building with my television set? MEL ! They took the television? (Looks around for TV. MEL ! (gnashing his teeth) Those thieving jerks. I can’t get a breath out.EDNA ! I didn’t notice.
a boarder? My house has been robbed too. MEL ! You called the police? EDNA ! Didn’t I just say that? MEL ! Did you tell them we were robbed? EDNA ! Why else would I call them? I’m not friendly with the police. calm down. What kind of questions are you asking me? What’s wrong with you? MEL ! All right. Don’t you understand? My house has just been robbed. EDNA ! You didn’t walk in and find it. MEL ! What am I.EDNA ! Leave me alone. I did. I just called them. EDNA ! You’re making me hysterical. MEL ! What’s the difference who found it? There’s still nothing to drink and nothing to watch. EDNA . because you are hysterical. MEL ! You’re hysterical. EDNA ! I’m not hysterical. My color television and my Chivas Regal is missing the same as yours. MEL ! (gnashing his teeth again) Those jerks. the police will be here any minute. EDNA ! Stop yelling.
I’m just as upset as you are. aspirin. Let me get you a Valium. You’ll feel better. Nothing does. you can still do it. EDNA ! I don’t want a Valium. MEL comes back on stage. MEL ! Take one. ! I’m sorry. MEL ! Why are you so stubborn? EDNA ! I’m not stubborn. MEL ! (stops) They took the Valium? EDNA ! The whole medicine chest. I hope the car they stole to get away in hits a tree and turns over and burns up and they all die! EDNA ! You read it about it every day. MEL. MEL ! (offstage) Dirty bastards! (Edna shakes a book upside down.) I hope they die. You want to go in and brush your teeth. Liquor I can understand. MEL ! (smiles. But shaving cream? Hair spray? How much are they going to get for a roll of dental floss? . They left your toothbrush. shaving cream. I don’t mean to yell at you.! Don’t yell at me. We don’t have any. razor blades. They took the Valiums. it’ll calm you down. toothpaste. Seconals. Valium. disbelieving) I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you! (MEL goes offstage and yells). EDNA ! I’m not taking a Valium. MEL ! A television I can understand. And when it happens to you. I’m excited too. you can’t believe it. hoping something would fall out.
MEL ! What kitchen money? EDNA ! I kept my kitchen money in here.. Sick. that’s the important thing. Eighty-five dollars.It’s all right. Only sick people.. EDNA ! But what wold I have done? MEL ! EDNA What’s the difference? You didn’t walk in and find them. you think they’re not going to look in the sugar? MEL ! Nobody looks in the sugar! EDNA ! Nobody steals dental floss and mouthwash. They took everything they could carry (Shakes the book one last time) They even found my kitchen money. sick. EDNA ! Can you imagine if I had walked in and found them here? What would I have done. Very lucky. Edna. .As long as you weren’t hurt. Some place they’re not going to look. MEL ! In cash? Why do you keep cash in a book? EDNA ! So no one will find it! Where else am I gonna keep it? MEL ! In a jar.. sick people! MEL ! It’s alright. Mel? MEL ! You were very lucky. only that’s who live in the world today.EDNA ! They must have been desperate. EDNA ! They looked in the medicine chest. In the sugar.. Edna.
EDNA ! Seven minutes. did it? EDNA ! It almost happened. “found your key”? Don’t you have your key? EDNA ! No. “Excuse me. but maybe I lost it in the street. how were you going to get back in the house when you went shopping? EDNA ! I left the door open. eight minutes.” close the door and come back later. you left the door open? . MEL ! You-left-the-door-open? EDNA ! I didn’t have a key. how was I going to get back in the house? MEL ! So you left the door open? In a city with the highest crime rate in the history of the world.! But supposing I did? What would I have done? MEL ! You’d say. What would you do. I thought it was somewhere in the house. MEL ! If you didn’t have your key. I don’t een know how they got in here. EDNA ! Maybe they found my key in the street. sit and watch? Why do you ask me such questions? It didn’t happen.. I lost it. looks at the lock) the lock isn’t broken. MEL ! (walking away) You couldn’t have gone only five minutes.. it’s not jimmied. what’s the difference? MEL ! (opens the door. MEL ! What do you mean. three junkies aren’t gonna move it all out in five minutes.IT took the Seven Santini Brothers two days to move everything in. If I walked in here five minutes sooner.
Eighty-eighth Street and Second Avenue. MEL ! All right.Why didn’t you call up and have them send it? EDNA ! Because I shop in a cheap store that doesn’t deliver. How did they know I was going to leave the door open? MEL ! They know! They know! A door opens. There was nothing in the house to eat tonight. they rob someone else.Look how much money I saved us.. I want to clean up. If you win. “Door open.” EDNA ! If they’re going to go around trying doors.. they have twentythree hours and fifty-five minutes a day to try them. the whole junkie world lights up. I gambled! I lost! MEL ! What kind of gamble is that to take? If you lose. I didn’t think they would try ours the five minutes I was out of the house. fourteenth floor. MEL ... fellas. EDNA ! I had to shop. (Edna starts to pick up things) MEL ! What are you doing? EDNA ! We can’t leave everything like this. MEL ! And what did you think? they were going to try every door in this house except yours? “Let’s leave 14A alone. it looks like a nice door. I: am trying to save us money because you got me so worried the other night. They have to go around trying doors.” They know! EDNA ! They don’t know anything. now you have something to eat and nothing to eat it with. they get everything. it doesn’t lock.EDNA ! What was I going to do? Take the furniture with me? I was only gone five minutes. I was just trying to save us money.
the liquor. you’ll find out. They’re not there now. the medicine chest and the hi-fi.. MEL ! The police? You want the place to look nice for the police?. MEL . He decides to check the bedroom.‘bad housekeeper’?. (He glares at her and looks around the room. He goes into the bedroom and takes a deep breath) MEL ! Where are my suits? EDNA ! They were there this morning..You’re worried they’re going to put it down in their books. isn’t it? (pause) Isn’t it? (EDNA looks away) Okay. that’s what they got. The television.! Now? EDNA ! The place is a mess.That’s it.. the kitchen money. EDNA ! (still staring out the window) They sent ti back this morning. EDNA ! I can’t find what’s missing until I put everything back in its place. We have people coming over in a few minutes... MEL ! (still trying to be calm) Seven suits? Three sports jackets? Eight pairs of slacks? EDNA ! If that’s what you had.Leave it alone. MEL ! I’m lucky my tuxedo is in the cleaners. They must have taken your suits.. MEL ! What do you mean? You know what’s missing... Maybe they’ll find some clues. what else did they get? EDNA ! Am I a detective? Look.
.Cleaned me out... ask them if it’s all right if I wear khaki pants and a gold hat... they did a good job of it.Left a pari of khaki pants and my golf hat. DIRTY BASTARDS!!!! SCENE .! Well.Anybody asks us out to dinner this week..
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