Fag Enablers

Lachlan Brown
“God hates fags!” The voice rang above the clamour of downtown Dayton at lunch hour. “God hates America! And He's gonna send y'all to Hell for lettin' fags live in this country!” Three men and a woman stood on the corner of a street. Two of the men had large signs with them. One which was painted in rainbow colours with large black letters saying “GOD HATES FAGS”, and another with the slogan “FAG SOLDIERS” and a lewd image of two stick figures having anal sex. The woman was handing out flyers to people walking by, and the third man had a megaphone and was screaming about the wrath of the Lord. “You are a sinner!” The man with the megaphone was now accosting a passer-by. “Get the hell outta my face, dickhead.” “You will burn for your defiance of the Almighty God.” “Wanna know what I say to your Almighty God?” “Leave him be Joe. Don't encourage him.” The passer-by's friend was guiding him away down the street. “I'm tellin' you, man, if God does exist, then I'd say he hates those guys more than gays.” The two men were sitting in a coffee shop. Joseph Williams was about six foot two, African American, bald and clean shaven. He wore dark, baggy tracksuit pants and sported a LeBron James Cleveland Cavaliers basketball jersey over a white T-Shirt. His friend was almost the exact opposite. Alfred Johnson was about five foot eight inches tall, had an untidy mop of light brown hair, wore glasses, and looked like he hadn't bothered to shave for a few days. He was wearing blue jeans, sneakers, and a button-up shirt that didn't look particularly fashionable. But then, he didn't look like the sort of person who would care. “Man, I wanna punch that guy in the mouth.” “You're still upset about that preacher dude?” “Yeah man, that guy really pissed me off.” The smaller man put his coffee down and leaned back on his chair. “I dunno, maybe there's more to him than meets the eye.” “That's bullshit.” “Well look at you, Joe. If we're going by stereotypes then you look like a dropout who sells drugs. No-one would ever guess that you have a PhD in biochemistry.”

They grinned at each other and began to stand up. “Yeah, I guess you're right as usual, Fred. C'mon, we gotta get back to the base.” “What do you think the boss wants to talk to us about?” “Probably developing some new weapon is my guess.” “Guess so. Hey, let's take the route by the cinema.” “Why? You wanna catch a film?” “Very funny. I wanna steer clear of the preacher so you're not tempted to pummel him.” The black guy laughed and followed his friend out. The base that they were talking about was the Wright-Patterson Air Force Base which lay to the west of downtown Dayton. Both of these men were biochemical engineers who were employed by the Air Force to build and test new weapons for use against America's enemies. It was the year 2014 and the War on Terror was still in full swing. The Pentagon now thought that there was a large terrorist organisation in Iran, so weapons were being made to combat this great threat to national security. “Gentlemen, please take your seats.” There was the noise of much scraping of chairs as people tried to find their seats in the meeting room. The Director didn't often call meetings like this, but when he did you could be sure that something big was going on. “This, as I'm sure you all know, is Dr. Sam White.” There was a murmur of approval. It wasn't often that someone as prestigious as Sam White came to the base, much less made an appearance to the general staff. “He was the leader of the team that developed the Halitosis Bomb and the Bee Spray, and proposed a number of other highly advanced pieces of weaponry. Why don't you tell them what this is about, Dr. White.” “Thanks, Mr. Director. Hi, guys. As I'm sure you guys know, I'm into making advancements in the field of non-lethal chemical weaponry. I feel that it's a more ethical approach to warfare and is actually a more effective way to win battles.” He picked up a remote and began to flick through some slides on a screen. “You would have all probably heard about the effects of the Halitosis bomb as it's being used in Iran at the moment. It basically makes enemy soldiers smell so bad that they lose their morale and we can take them prisoner by literally sniffing them out. I'm not sure if they've started to use the Bee Spray yet, but what that does is it attracts various wild pests to the enemy soldiers such as bees, wasps, mosquitoes, and even small rodents. These weapons all lower the morale of the enemy soldiers and encourage them to give up fighting. This way we can win our wars without having to kill anyone.”

A few people started clapping. Dr. White held up his hand for silence and flicked over to the next slide. “The next non-lethal chemical weapon that the Pentagon has given the green light is a bit more controversial. This one's called the gay bomb, and the idea is that it will make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to one another.” “Dude, are you for real?” Joe was finding it hard to suppress his laughter. “Yes, Dr. Williams, he is 'for real'. Please show some respect.” The Director butted in. “It's OK, Director. I understand that this may seem ridiculous to some people.” There were a few nods. “But the Pentagon has decided that it's a good idea, and it's up to you guys to develop this weapon to use on the terrorists in Iran. I'll be leading this team officially, but the Director has decided to split you up into a few groups and then see what you come up with. These groups are posted on his door, I believe that's right Director?” “Yes, that's correct. I would advise you all to look at that list on your way home this evening. You are dismissed, gentlemen.” On his way home from work, Alfred passed through Springboro. He couldn't help noticing the sign on the front of the church he drove past: SPRINGBORO BAPTIST CHURCH Sunday Service: 10am Pastor: Rev. David Waldron GOD HATES FAGS FAG ENABLERS ARE DOOMED TOO

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