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2 Vol.

XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

news
Rats off to ya, dormers!
this time Sobillo said she refused to go opened her door and saw a rat run from According to both of them Frontino,
By Raina Bedford in her room, and she lived with other
residents on campus.
behind her roommate’s garbage to her
bed. She said that the rat retreated into
the RHD of Eisenhower College, urged
them to stay in their rooms despite the
In both cases, the rats entered the an opening beneath her radiator. rat problems because finding another
Last week Peter Park was roused rooms through holes underneath the When the maintenance workers room for them to be difficult. Frontino
from sleep when he heard scuttling radiators. When the maintenance came they did not cover up the hole be- told Park to clean up his suite and the
noises under his bed. They shortly workers came, they simply replaced the neath her radiator. They placed a small rat problem would go away.
ceased and he went back to sleep. A “A suite is very different from a
couple of hours later the noises returned room,” he said, “The rats were not in the
and he jumped up. He saw something common room, they were in my room.”
move from beneath his bed to his desk. Sobillo said that it was very difficult
The mysterious animal then scuttled for her to move into a rat-free building.
from under his desk and took refuge be- “My dad had to yell at the head of
neath his roommate’s bed. campus residences,” Sobillo said, “They
It was a rat. just raised tuition and we’re having rat
“You can hear them crawling in the problems?”
ceiling,” he said, “All my suitemates have Both Sobillo and Park went to cam-
heard the noises but never had them pus residences. They said that campus
come into their room before.” residences quickly moved them to new
Peter Park lived in Eisenhower Col- rooms. Sobillo moved to a room in
lege in Kelly Quad where several stu- Stimpson College in Roosevelt Quad,
dents have reported rat problems. and Park has moved to a single in Gree-
A month ago, Anna Sobillo discov- ley College in Roosevelt Quad.
ered a rat in her room. The rat had But the rat problems in Eisenhower
Roman Sheydvasser
chewed through the mesh covering up College continue and it is unclear what
the holes beneath her radiator. She re- You donʼt think they spent $20,000 on a mouse, and $30,000 on a mouse trap, did you? is being done to address the problem.
ports that the rats chewed up some of R.A.’s have been going from room to
her clothing and went through her mesh with more of the same mesh that mousetrap beneath her bed and placed room to tell students to throw out their
trash. the rats had chewed through the week adhesive pads near her radiator. trash. However, campus officials would
Both Sobillo and Park reported before. Her sister, Veronica Vidrak, who not confirm if they had hired an exter-
their problems to Regina Frontino, the “They just did the same thing they lives down the hall from Polina, had minator to deal with the underlying
RHD of Kelly Quad. They both report did last time,” she said, “the problem also reported rat problems. She woke problem.
that the response to their problem was was not fixed.” up to discover a large rodent under- Rats can live in dark enclosed
slow and ineffective. Park reported that the maintenance neath her bed, its head caught in a spaces such as between walls or holes in
When asked about the ongoing workers placed one small mouse trap mousetrap. A maintenance worker re- a building’s foundation. They can enter
problem, Frontino said she was not au- next to the mesh covered holes in his ra- moved the rodent several hours later. through openings that are just 1/2-inch
thorized to comment. diator. Veronica said that one of her suitemates wide and can travel through inactive
In both cases the students reported The rat problem appears to have a woke up to discover rats on her desk. pipes. Experts recommend repairing
that a maintenance worker did not ar-

USG Update: Insert Joke Here


long history. Polina Vidrak said that she Although the Vidrak sisters still live holes with concrete, sheet metal or
rive on the scene for a couple of days. discovered a rat in her room last semes- in Eisenhower, both Sobillo and Park hardware cloth.
In Sobillo’s case, it was a week. During ter before Thanksgiving break. She took steps to move out of their rooms. Not mesh.

and are encouraged to attend weekly


By Natalie Crnosija Senate meetings as non-voting mem-
bers. Offenses, such as multiple, unex-
The vice presidents and class repre- cused absences or failing to file reports,
sentatives who compose the Under- can lead to a vice president’s or repre-
graduate Student Government’s sentative’s impeachment before the Sen-
Executive Council were taken to task by ate, Malieckal said.
Senate Executive Vice President Geeta Senator Adam Kent spoke on behalf
Malieckal during the Mar. 12 USG Sen- of Kadeem Hylton, the Vice President
ate meeting for not filing their reports of Clubs and Organizations, who was
with the Senate or attending Senate not at the meeting. The clubs and or-
meetings. ganizations extension of USG focuses
“I have not received the reports of on communication between the stu-
the VPs of student life, programming dent-run clubs and organizations and
and activities, clubs and organizations, the USG, which provides their funding.
academic affairs, or the reports or proj- As of late, clubs have made complaints
ects of the freshman and senior class regarding the organization of the de-
representatives,” Malieckal said. partment, and blame has fallen upon
Executive Council members, who Hylton, said Kent.
are elected by the student body, are the Kent attributed the confusion
Facebook
directors of USG departments and have
to file a progress report each semester Youʼre a good man, Kadeem Hylton USG continued on next page
The Stony Brook Press News 3

Stony Brook Involved in Medical Lawsuit


tan law firm representing all four recip- spite removing the infected pancreas in from Stony Brook or Southampton.”
By Jenny Zou ients in the eight suits, alleges that the
doctors adhered to the diagnosis of
University of Minnesota Medical Cen-
ter.
It is unclear at this point how the
parents will be represented in the case.
meningitis even when blood culture The two surviving recipients, James Adam Kaufman of Dankner & Mil-
Stony Brook University Medical tests failed to support it. Kelly of Mount Sinai and Gerardo stein explained that since Stony Brook
Center, Southampton Hospital, and UNOS directly sites various forms Trueba of the Bronx, who each received University Medical Center is state con-
New York University Medical Center of cancer, such as Lymphoma, as a dis- a kidney from Koehne, have success- trolled and operated, the suit against the
have been named in a case that has led qualification for organ donation since it fully undergone chemotherapy after re- hospital must be filed in the Court of
to the filing of eight separate lawsuits can spread from donor to recipient. In moving the infected kidneys. Claims, increasing the total number of
after the deaths of two organ transplant this case, the lymphoma spread to four Earlier this week, The Sag Harbor suits filed.
recipients. The amount in damages
Six doctors—four from that the clients are seeking is
Stony Brook and two from unknown.
Southampton—are being sued The case has been a hot
for negligence by failing to topic amongst students at
properly diagnose and treat 15- Stony Brook University who
year old Alex Koehne. Trans- initially learned of Koehne’s
plant surgeons who death in 2007. The story of the
transplanted Koehne’s organs subsequent fatal transplants
to four recipients are also gained widespread attention
named in the case. in 2008 when it appeared on
In March 2007, Koehne major broadcast networks and
was hospitalized in Southamp- made national headlines.
ton Hospital and later trans- Located east of Stony
ferred to Stony Brook Brook University’s west cam-
University Medical Center pus, the Medical Center is less
where doctors maintained the than a five-minute drive away.
diagnosis of bacterial meningi- As Suffolk County’s largest
tis. After his death in the hos- hospital, it is the county’s only
pital, his parents consented for tertiary care hospital and
organ donation believing that Level I trauma center, han-
his donated organs would pro- dling approximately 30,000
vide better lives for the recipi- inpatients, 250,000 outpa-
ents. tients, and 15,000 surgical
Under the federal guide- cases annually. Also, it is one
lines of the United Network for of the main draws for many
Organ Sharing (UNOS), pa- Stony Brook students aspiring
tients with viral meningitis for top careers in the medical
cannot be organ donors, but field. The Medical Center is
those with bacterial meningitis partnered with the university’s
can. School of Medicine, where
However, an autopsy or- about 500 students are full-
dered by the parents later showed that recipients. Express confirmed that Koehne’s par- time medical residents.
the cause of death had not been menin- Kitman Lee of Brooklyn died ents had decided to join the suit after Both Southampton Hospital and
gitis, but actually a rare and aggressive shortly after receiving Koehne’s infected previously stating in 2007 that they had Stony Brook University Medical Center
form of cancer—anaplastic central liver at NYU Medical Center. no intentions to sue the hospital. On the declined to comment on the suits on the
nervous system T-cell lymphoma. Jodie Lynn Shierts of Pequot Lakes, couple’s decision to sue, father Jim basis of patient confidentiality.
Dankner & Milstein, the Manhat- Minnesota, suffered a similar fate de- Koehne said, “We never got any answers

relationship between Hylton’s depart- checking their mail.” Senator John Krisenski suggested
USG continued from previous page ment and clubs rests with the clubs in- Hylton, a sophomore, attributed his some form of outreach to those VPs and
within the department to a miscommu- dividually. absence at Senate meetings as a time- representatives who had not filed their-
nication between clubs and the depart- Hylton, who was later reached via conflict of which Malieckal is aware, but reports.
ment and between Hylton and his Facebook, acknowledged that he had said that VPs are not required to be Hylton, who is running for the of-
committee. not yet filed his report, but said that the present at Senate meetings. fice of VP of Student Life this semester,
“Apparently, the committee mem- miscommunication was the fault of the Alan Suchecki, VP of Communica- was not supportive of such initiatives.
bers told the clubs that Hylton would clubs who do not keep up with their tions and Public Relations, criticized the “With the exception of the required
contact them to set up meetings,” Kent communication. conduct of Hylton and other VPs who reports, there is no reason why the Ex-
said. “Hylton was not told about the “If clubs simply check their mail- fail to attend meetings and file reports ecutive Council has to initiate commu-
emails.” boxes in the USG office as they should with the Senate. nication for the Senate to be up to speed
Senator Blake Wind, a member of and respond to emails as they receive “They have no excuse for not com- on things,” Hylton said.
the Clubs and Organizations Commit- them, there would be no issue,” Hylton ing,” Suchecki said. “There is a public
tee, said that responsibility to establish a said. “However, what you should be in- record of my showing up to each meet-
vestigating is why are some clubs not ing.”
4 Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Editorial Board
Executive Editor
editorials
James Laudano
Managing Editor
Andrew Fraley
Associate Editor
OFFENSIVE RACIAL
Najib Aminy
Business Manager
Katie Knowlton
Production Manager
SLURS! Now That We Have
Tia Mansouri
News Editors
Natalie Crnosija
Cindy Liu
Your Attention, Read This :)
Features Editor
Alex Nagler There’s been a rumor going around standings and solve disagreements or their role in this. In an email sent to us
Arts Editor campus. Perhaps you’ve heard it. It problems? By talking about it with those recently, USG Executive VP Geeta
Kelly Yu seems that we at The Stony Brook Press who offended you! One of the common Malieckal, stated “The issue itself is not
hate Jews. Apparently we’re anti-Semi- criticisms thrown around on these sen- necessarily relevant to the function of
Photo Editor
Roman Sheydvasser tes. At least that’s the notion one would sationalistic blogs has been that the the USG Senate, and I do not want to
Liz Kaufman get if they frequent some of the many artist of the comic is nothing but “a give the impression that it has any bear-
Copy Editors Stony Brook student blogs that have coward.” A coward? Really? What ing on the Press’ budget and status as a
Ross Barkan sprung up. We’ll give you a brief run- makes you any more courageous or club. It does not.” Good point, Geeta. In
Erin Jayne Mansfield down of the situation. Last issue, we strong-willed than the offending artist fact, according to the Student Press Law
Webmaster printed a comic satirizing stereotypes of if you won’t talk to us about the prob- Center, with regards to campus media
Chris Williams Jews and Muslims in the media. The lem? For God’s sake (or, for the sake of censorship “Not at a public school. The
Audiomaster comic included the word ‘kike.’ Refer remaining totally inoffensive, for G-d’s courts have ruled that if a school creates
Andrew Fraley back to the last issue (Issue 10, Volume sake) how can you expect to solve any- a student news or information medium
30) to see the whole thing. And, oh, thing if you don’t have the common and allows students to serve as editors,
Ombudsman
Jowy Romano what a storm it has kicked up. People sense or courage to address us directly? the First Amendment drastically limits
are pissed. They even had an anti-Press Don’t worry; you don’t have to answer the school’s ability to censor. Among the
rally to protest our publication of this those last two questions. You’d be hard censoring actions the courts have pro-
comic. No one showed up except for a pressed to find answers, anyway. hibited are confiscating copies of publi-
few confused journalism majors. But One of the primary goals of any col- cations, requiring prior review,
Minister of Archives
Jesse Schopefer that’s beside the point. Right now, we’d lege paper is to promote professional ac- removing objectionable material, limit-
like to take this time to examine the na- ademic discussion. When we chose to ing circulation, suspending editors and
ture of the criticism leveled against us. publish this comic, we weren’t intend- withdrawing or reducing financial sup-
Layout Design by
Jowy Romano The depressing reality of this is that ing just to throw around the word ‘kike’ port.” Vice President Malieckal would

Staff
we haven’t received any formal, direct and offend Jews and/or Muslims. We also state “While there are some USG
criticism from a single one of the of- wanted to make a comment on the oft- members who have concern, USG itself
fended students these past two weeks. absurd stereotypes of Muslims and Jews is neutral in this matter [regarding
The only person who expressed his dis- and their relationship with the media in funding].” If USG is willing to abide by
Kotei Aoki Frank Loiaccono
Ross Barkan Kenny Mahoney
approval to us directly was Rabbi Joseph society. Don’t worry; we know The New VP Malieckal’s statements, we admire
Vincent Barone Justin Meltzer Topek, the Director of Hillel here at York Times is not run by Jews. We also the USG’s professionalism in this mat-
Raina Bedford James Messina
Matt Braunstein Steve McLinden Stony Brook (you can read the letter on know that Al Jazeera often fosters some ter.
Tony Cai Samantha Monteleone
J.C. Chan Roberto Moya the next page.) We applaud Rabbi of the most unbiased discussions of It’s a shame that this whole “contro-
Doug Cion Frank Myles Topek for addressing the issue head-on Middle-Eastern current events. Unfor- versy” was handled in this way by many
Laura Cooper Amyl Nitrate
Caroline D’Agati Chris Oliveri in a professional manner. Unfortu- tunately, with the exception of Rabbi of those whom were offended. We have
Krystal DeJesus Ben van Overkill
Eric DiGiovanni Laura Paesano nately, the same cannot be said for the Topek’s email, we’ve been afforded zero no quarrel with the actual fact that
Joe Donato Grace Pak rest of those offended here on campus. chance to have any sort of academic dis- many are offended. It’s within your
Brett Donnelly Rob Pearsall
Nick Eaton Jon Pu Any criticism directed towards us course with any of the offended parties. rights to be offended and voice your
Michael Felder Aamer Qureshi
Caitlin Ferrell Kristine Renigen from anyone other than Rabbi Topek It seems that those offended would opinion. What isn’t within your rights is
Vincent Michael Festa Dave Robin
Joe Filippazzo Jessica Rybak
has been done online and in second- rather just sound off on their blogs, safe to pursue punitive legal measures
Ilyssa Fuchs Joe Safdia rate blogs. They haven’t been directly behind the security of their computer against us. If you want to try to pursue
Rob Gilheany Natalie Schultz
David Knockout Ginn Jonathan Singer levied against us. We’ve had to find screens, rather than actually send us a action along those lines, we suppose we
Joanna Goodman Nick Statt
Jennifer Hand Rose Slupski them on our own. Now, here’s a ques- letter or come down to talk. Remind us can’t stop you. But if you do, someone
Stephanie Hayes John Tucker tion that even these self-righteous blog- who the coward is, again? will wind up looking like a fool. And we
Andrew Jacob Lena Tumasyan
Liz Kaempf Marcel Votlucka gers can answer. What is perhaps the To tie into the whole legal issue, promise it won’t be us.
Elizabeth Kaplan Alex Walsh
Jack Katsman Brain Wasser most effective way to reach under- though, let’s briefly discuss the USG and
Yong Kim Matt Willemain
Rebecca Kleinhaut Jason Wirchin
Iris Lin Jie Jenny Zou

The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly during


the academic year and twice during summer session
by The Stony Brook Press, a student run non-profit or-
ganization funded by the Student Activity Fee. The opin-
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whole. Advertising policy does not necessarily reflect
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Email: sbpressnews@gmail.com
The Stony Brook Press 5
E-mail your letters to sbpressnews@gmail.com letters
March 17, 2009 campus that works hard to create an atmosphere where all of its students can
feel comfortable, would knowingly use words like “kike” on its pages. Further,
To the Editor: no responsible newspaper would make light of the historic canard that the
New York Times is in reality the “Jew York Times,” which has often been the
Two things in the March 11 issue deserve comment because they are either slogan of rabid anti-Semites whose claim is that Jews control the media. In
misleading or offensive. addition, the juxtaposition of these two media sources seems to convey that-
The cover of the March 11 issue juxtaposes Israeli and Palestinian flags somehow there are conspiratorial forces on behalf of Jews and Muslims to ma-
with the headline “ECW Endless Cartographic Warfare” and the subtext “Civil nipulate the media against the other. This is offensive to both groups.
Debate for The Homeland Heavyweight Championship.” This seems to be say- Ironically, the image in the cartoon of these two media sources somehow
ing that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict can somehow be reduced to the draw- being the tools of either Jews or Muslims is a laughable claim in both com-
ing of maps when, in fact, it is a struggle for national identity and recognition munities. The New York Times has been excoriated by the Jewish community
as well as the division of one land among two peoples. Worse, this highly dra- since 1941 when news first began to emerge about Nazi atrocities against Jews
matic cover then directs readers to the article on page 6 which carries the head- in Europe and they were buried in the back pages of the Times. Significant
line “Much Ado About Nothing.” So which is it, Stony Brook Press? Is this the numbers in the Jewish community believe that the New York Times is unfair
“the most controversial event his year,” as Andrew Fraley’s article claims, or is in its reporting about Israel and Jewish issues. Similarly, the Muslim commu-
it much ado about nothing? nity is far from universally happy with Al Jazeera and its reporting. The ac-
In fact, Mr. Fraley did a pretty good job of reporting the screening of the cusation that certain groups use the media for nefarious purposes or to further
film Occupation 101 and the responses to it. What confuses your readers is the a conspiratorial agenda is nothing short of spreading one of the most vicious
somewhat inflammatory and misleading cover you chose to draw attention to canards in history, and certainly unbecoming of a newspaper that assumes a
it. Was this perhaps to make an ado about nothing? certain level of cultural literacy among its readership. The use of extreme lan-
Now having decided to report on the highly complex Middle East con- guage (kike) is just shameful and has no place in our community, particularly
flict, the Stony Brook Press accompanied this cover and article with a cartoon in a newspaper that sees itself as being a forum where issues can be discussed
on page 26 which juxtaposes a television screen labeled “Al Jazeera” with a with fewer limits than in more conventional publications. If this is your idea
newspaper cover labeled “The New York Times.” The television screen has a of creating a broad platform for intellectual discourse then you have failed mis-
stick figure saying “Allahu Akbar” and the newspaper’s masthead says “Jew erably.
York Times” with the headline “Kikes Rule, Muslims Drool.” Their “com-
monality” is that they both have the news story “Ham Sucks.” Now many peo- Rabbi Joseph S. Topek
ple know that the Stony Brook Press considers itself the “journalist shock Hillel Foundation, Stony Brook Interfaith Center
jocks” of the Stony Brook campus with the singular responsibility to spread
sophomoric humor and bad taste. For this I congratulate you, as you are doing
a great job. However, no responsible newspaper, particularly on a university

Rabbi Topek,

We thank you for your letter. This is, thus far, the only direct criticism we’ve received in regards to the subject, despite the reaction it has caused. We ap-
plaud and appreciate your professionalism and hope that your input may be an example for anyone else wishing to address the matter.
As for your concerns and criticisms:
The cover of the Mar. 11 issue was an attempt to point out what some of us observed at the SJA event as a polarization of opinions on the subject. While
the debate following the film remained civil and controlled, Mr. Fraley and other staffers at the event couldn’t help but notice that it had become a tense, us-ver-
sus-them argument, and many arguments overlooked the intended subject of the event, which was the humanitarian crisis in the region. With the cover, we in-
tended to humorously (and irreverently) point out that that is what the debate has devolved into, at least in regards to the article in question.
As for the article itself, the title was not meant to sensationalize the event or issue. The title was meant to show that the SJA event, which should have
been just a small film screening, had been blown up into a big to-do by the students who had gone to the Dean to complain, and, later, the misguided attempts
to sabotage it. In retrospect, maybe it wasn’t the best title; Mr. Fraley isn’t too bright, but he does mean the best.
As for the comic itself, this has been the main subject of very heated debate. We, when we printed it, and Jon Singer (the real name of the artist), when
he authored it, meant this comic to be a commentary of common, widely accepted misconceptions in the media. As you eloquently pointed out, Al Jazeera isn’t
a mouthpiece for Islam; it is a very reputable news source. Few people actually know this. Similarly, we are well aware the New York Times isn’t a propaganda
tool controlled by Jews. But, again, as you pointed out, and as was brought up in the SJA event (although Mr. Fraley only briefly mentions it—the dullard he is)
there is a popular narrative that this is the case. By using childish stick figures and scrawl, along with ridiculous headlines like “Ham Sucks” and “Kikes Rule,
Muslims Drool” (a common playground rallying cry thrown around by five year olds), we thought that we would get this point across. The comic was meant to
be provocative, and Mr. Singer chose to use the word “kike” because he felt it would be most effective. As a college newspaper, we act as an open forum where
issues can be discussed with fewer limits than in more conventional publications, and being that the comic was in no way anti-Semitic, we weren’t going to cen-
sor the artist or his style. Mr. Singer had only the best intentions when he made this comic, and we thought that it would show.
Apparently we were wrong. Our, and Mr. Singer’s, attempt at humor didn’t go so well. Not many people found it funny, or effective. That is a legitimate
criticism. Not everyone has to like every joke, or piece of art, that they see. But, being a newspaper on a college campus, in a bastion of intellectual discourse,
the comic has been discussed and analyzed. In that regard, we feel that we have succeeded.
We did not get our point across as effectively as we wanted to in this last issue, and if it caused you or anyone else offense, we apologize. That was not
our intent. In the future we shall strive to make our message as effective as possible. But we feel that on a college campus, where ideas can be discussed freely
and intelligently, if something calls for the use of extreme language, as long as it is used properly, we aren’t going to censor it. That would be a disservice to our
readers, at the expense of trying to keep people from getting offended. In our 30 years, we’ve discovered that people are always going to be offended over some-
thing, there’s no point trying to keep everybody happy.

Best Regards

The Stony Brook Press


6 News Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Student Death on Campus


drive home that night for an appoint- neral mass was held at St. Bernard’s
By Caitlin Ferrell ment on Wednesday, according to An-
drew’s father. When Andrew didn’t
Church in Levittown on Saturday, Mar.
14. “Everybody spoke kindly of An-
come home, his mother became wor- drew,” said Mineo. “I guess Andrew did-
Andrew Mineo, a 21-year-old psy- ried and called Hendrix College. A res- n’t see that, that people cared for him.”
chology major at Stony Brook Univer- ident assistant discovered Andrew’s According to his father, Andrew
sity, died in his dorm room in Hendrix body and called university police. held a 3.5 GPA, and was accepted at
College on the night of Tuesday, March The university confirmed Mineo’s C.W. Post for a masters program in ed-
10. A senior student, Andrew was in his death on its website early Wednesday ucation this fall.
last semester before graduating. morning. Mineo’s identity was later re- Dean of Students Jerrold Stein is
“We believe it was suicide,” said leased that afternoon, after the parents working to have Andrew’s diploma
Josephine Mineo, Andrew’s mother. had been contacted. awarded to his family.
“And we don’t know why.” People who knew Andrew spoke “I would like to thank everybody,
There has been no official confir- highly of him. A friend, Bobby all the deans at Stony Brook,” Vincent
mation from the campus police or the Sadighim, said, “He was a shy kid. He Mineo said. “Everybody’s been ex-
Suffolk County Sixth Precinct. A coro- was also a very smart and intelligent tremely nice.”
ner’s report has yet to be issued and is kid.” The two met in a workshop one State University of New York and
expected to take five to six weeks, ac- and a half years ago. “From what I re- Stony Brook University administrators
cording to Mineo’s mother. member, he had a very calm, friendly must approve Andrew’s diploma before
“We last saw him on Tuesday,” said aura and always a gentle, benign-look- it can be awarded to his family.
“His sister was his best friend,” said
Andrew’s father, Vincent Mineo. “The ing face.” Mineo said that his son was de-
Vincent Mineo. “It’s been tough. It’s
day he died. I don’t know what tran- Vincent Mineo described his son pressed recently. “I would like [young
been tough on [his sister], it’s been
spired between the morning and after- as a compassionate person and good people] to know that there’s always
tough on his mother, and obviously
noon.” student who volunteered at church and hope,” said Vincent Mineo. “There’s al-
me.”
Andrew had taken the train back was an EMT in his hometown of Levit- ways hope and people do love them.”
“There wasn’t a seat in the house for
from his parents’ home in Levittown on town and donated blood regularly. the wake,” said Vincent Mineo. A fu-
Tuesday morning and was expected to

Combination for Concern


John, a clerk at the ceptible to being tampered.”
By Alex Cardozo Keller mailroom in
Roosevelt Quad, has
Both students and residence staff
have witnessed tampering with mail in
had his own concerns unlocked mailboxes. “I saw a kid the
Close to one-fourth of all Stony about the mailbox sys- other day opening all the mail boxes…I
Brook University Residence Hall mail- tem for almost a went to him and was like, what the hell
boxes are left unlocked by students. A decade. He said he had are you doing?” resident assistant Pinto
survey of dormitory lobbies across cam- been suggesting that a said, adding that afterwards, the person
pus yielded distressing numbers. key system be used, ran off.
Tabler quad had 20 percent of its but the idea was ig- A few students have even admitted
200 mailboxes in each building un- nored. The use of locks going through the boxes. “I got drunk
locked. Roth Quad came in with 15 per- on campus mailboxes once and opened all the mailboxes I
cent of its mailboxes unlocked, and H is a cost issue. could, then took all the letters out and
Quad and Kelly Quad led the count Students have ex- forgot what went where and wound up
with around 25 percent unlocked. perienced the effects of putting them all in the mail to send
Alex Cardozo the open mailboxes.
These statistics come in the wake We just got a letter. We just got a letter. We just got a letter. I wonder who itʼs from? slot,” Christopher Heisenberg, a Stony
of the widely publicized arrest of Olu- “Last year, someone Brook junior and chemistry major, ad-
wole Owoseni, 22, on charges of iden- thefts. did steal my mail, and university mail mitted.
tity theft. He is accused of using his “They’re always looking for another contacted me to tell me,” Lindsay Anna Verhoeven, a resident of
on-campus job at the campus career way,” he said. Low-tech sources of per- Bernard, a Stony Brook senior, said. Sanger in Tabler Quad, not only was a
center to jack personal financial ac- sonal information are still available. Bernard added how she notices a victim of identity theft, but also admit-
counts and social security numbers Some students find the boxes hard lot of open mailboxes and always takes ted to tampering with other people’s
from other students’ files. to open and leave their mailboxes un- care to make sure that her own is mail. “I have to admit also that I’ve jok-
However, it is not just high tech locked to avoid the hassle of the combi- locked. ingly switched people’s mail because
methods that identity thieves use, ac- nation locks on each box. Robert Venosa, a junior and history many forget to lock their mailboxes.
cording to John Alex, a freelance com- Raeema Sultan, a resident assistant major, who was a victim of off-campus Identity theft has happened to me. It’s
puter specialist and computer science in Roth Quad said, “People usually have identity theft only months ago, has scary and made me feel way too grown
major at the City University of New trouble opening them.” voiced this concern that students make up, and I still don’t know how it exactly
York, College of Staten Island. He ex- Vito Pinto, also a resident assistant sure their mail is locked at his residence happened.”
plained that it is “those little slips of in Roth Quad, said that it’s mainly a de- hall council meetings. He urged that, “When it all comes down to it, it’s
paper,” that people “leave lying around,” sign flaw. “They’re just broken and hard “The mail system on campus has boxes up to students. People are just careless,”
that account for the majority of identity to open…if they fixed them, no one in a common area, and are more sus- Venosa said.
would leave them unlocked.”
The Stony Brook Press News 7

NY Times Publisher Speaks On Saving Journalism


with the printed word, it’s hard to strike
By Caitlin Ferrel a chord with the reader.” He went on,
“We find that with multi-media, we can
shine a spotlight on these forgotten
Arthur Sulzberger Jr., publisher of places of the world.”
The New York Times since 1992 and This really is the crux of
chairman of its company board, gave Sulzberger’s belief – we must rely on all
the keynote address in Stony Brook’s the pieces of journalism to yield the best
week devoted to News Literacy on product; the written word cannot al-
Thursday night. ways most powerfully convey the mes-
If anyone in journalism knows how sage. Just like in Stony Brook’s News
to save that industry, it would be some- Literacy course, in which students learn
one from The New York Times. that video and photographs can be infi-
Sulzberger noted the volatility in jour- nitely more powerful than a written ar-
nalism. Today the industry is under ticle, Sulzberger reinforced how
“enormous stress,” both from the Inter- multi-media conveys the same news in
Folio Mag
net’s effects (on advertising and reader
He is like the Michael Jordan of journalism. Everyone looks up to him.
different ways.
expectations) and the economic down- On Inauguration Day, Sulzberger
turn. Because of the Internet’s lightning said, the New York Times web site had a
speed, the business of journalism and teractive features. Sulzberger said, “Our Brute.’ My view is that what we offer, in
live video of President Obama’s inaugu-
the way the news is reported is con- readers want to share it, or blog it, or all its iterations, is quite valuable, and
ral address, graphics comparing his
stantly shifting. A news report produc- comment on it or tweet it.“ our profession will endure.” He contin-
speech to past addresses, photos from
tion schedule that was normal five years Bill Keller, Executive Editor of The ued, “Whether delivered in print or on-
readers, minute-by-minute blogging,
ago is turtle-slow today. New York Times, believes that the line, in a blog or a video, quality
along with reporting and analysis. Most
The audience was shown a video of paper’s authority may actually increase journalism will always have immense
news organizations provided multi-
Times reporters. Columnist Nicholas in the coming years, mainly because social utility.”
media coverage on Inauguration Day. A
Kristof, in Niger, surrounded by crying many of the paper’s competition are Sulzberger confessed to not know-
simple newspaper published a day after
children, says, “Now, I could write dying. “There’s no scarcity of informa- ing the answers to the questions he was
the fact just doesn’t cut it anymore.
about these places in my column, but tion these days,” he said. “If anything, posing. Some of the responsibility for
Most of the best news sites also have in-
there’s too much information out there.” the crisis, he said, falls on the market’s
The Times understands that the tumultuousness. “What works for The
Internet has opened a new ground New York Times is not going to work for
for commentary on the news to Newsday or The L.A. Times; what works
bloggers, but the Times still relies for NYTimes.com is not going to be a so-
on hands-on reporting. lution for Politico, Salon or Slate.”
Dexter Filkins, a Baghdad cor- Sulzberger feared the effects of what
respondent, spoke of running with may have been that the industry’s orig-
a few hundred Marines during the inal sin –offering free content online.
Battle of Fallujah. “The Marines Once consumers get something for free,
that were next to me who were they are not likely to want to start pay-
killed and wounded - in one occa- ing for it, which is why today’s battle is
sion his blood was all over me,” to improve the co-existence of print and
Filkins said. “I saw them do ex- digital media.
traordinary things, extraordinary But in the end, Sulzberger believes
acts of bravery. I remember feeling journalism will prevail. “This is all very
that, ‘You can blog all you want, but scary stuff. Our children need real jour-
if you’re not on the scene – you nalism. They need reassurance that the
know really – at the end don’t have world is not coming to an end and that
much to say.” history teaches us that humankind is
Sulzberger says journalists have quite resilient, especially during periods
improved their journalistic tools, of crises and controversy.”
but the industry remains under Sulzberger believes that the real
strain. High-quality journalism is journalism will survive and thrive
expensive, and the business tradi- again. Journalists are being challenged
tional revenues, sources like classi- in a new landscape. They are compet-
fied ads, are drying up. Sulzberger ing with the flashy tabloids and user-
calls the immediate future “grim,” generated content that doesn’t value the
but also seemed frustrated by his same tenets of transparency, verifiability
own description. and accountability. “Our challenge is to
“I am tired of reading about the both integrate while embracing the
death of – take your pick – journal- unique strengths of each medium,”
ism, newspapers engaged Sulzberger said. “Together we can en-
readers,” Sulzberger said. “Even The sure that citizens, especially our young
Times today was wondering out people, understand the cornerstone at-
loud on the front page as to where tributes that make quality journalism
newspapers were heading, ‘Et tu, important in their lives.”
8 News Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Mo’ People, Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems


For the 27,000 incoming freshman students.” the past several years because we feel
By Najib Aminy that applied to SBU, around 10,000 will Therefore, SBU is preparing to deal like we are pretty much at our capacity
be accepted. It is still uncertain how with the economic effect on incoming as far as dormitory space, food service
many incoming freshman plan on at- freshman by accepting fewer students facilities and pretty tapped out in park-
In an economic market of continu- tending SBU in the fall 2009, a figure and expecting an increase in the num- ing,” Melucci said.
ing decline, the Stony Brook University Whelan said he is looking at carefully. ber of accepted students. In doing so, if Facing budget cuts, SBU relies
Admissions office is looking at an in- Traditionally, SBU’s percent yield, Whelan’s projections are accurate, the largely on tuition as a source of revenue.
crease of applications and competition. the number of accepted students who university would reach its goal of 2,700 Roughly 40 percent of the university’s
Though current students call SBU a commit to the university over those ac- freshman students. budget is comprised of student tuition.
safety school, it has become an attrac- cepted that choose another school, has If the number of admitted appli- “If you are a finance guy and look-
tive choice for graduating high-school been at 26 percent. Both Melucci and cants committed to SBU is above the ing to bring in tuition revenue like me
seniors facing increasing tuition prices. your happy to have some extra
SBU has experienced a 10.6 students,” Melucci said. “If you
percent increase in the number are a faculty member with 30 stu-
applications it has received com- dents but prefer that 25 is right
pared to last year, drawing a pool size for academic setting, then
of 27,000 potential students, ac- you are not going to be happy.”
cording to Dan Melucci, associate SBU experienced a large in-
vice president for strategy and crease in the number of students
analysis. “We have received a from 17,000 ten years ago to
greater number of really highly 24,000. The numbers are present
qualified students in the applica- on the long lunch lines, the rarely
tion process that have been ad- vacant parking spaces and the
mitted into Stony Brook,” Melucci tripled dorm rooms.
said. “Whether they accept or not This academic year alone, some
we don’t know.” students find themselves still
SBU’s mean accepted SAT, as tripled involuntarily while many
one measure of quality, is up 25 have been processed into dou-
points to a score of 1253. The me- bles. “All of the female triples that
dian accepted score is up 30 started the year over assigned are
points, according to Melucci. detripled,” said Alan deVries, as-
With academic quality in- sociate director of Residential
creasing, the Admissions office Programs in an email. “There are
has set a target mark 2,700 stu- still 35 male triples on campus.”
dents for next year’s and 1,200 for There had been 800 triples dur-
the number of transfer students ing the beginning of this aca-
admitted. “The goal is not to in- demic year, deVries said. He
Roman Sheydvassser
Matt Whelan, assistant provost Dan Melucci, the man behind the budget.
crease the size of the class,” said expects this to stay to the same
for next year.
and dean of admissions and fi- “For fall 2009, we’ll open at the
nancial aid. “The goal is to get stu- same occupancy level as Fall
dents to graduate in four years.” Whelan have said they noticed the aca- 2,700 figure, then the number of admit- 2008,” deVries said.
The university has had a freshman demic quality of applicants has in- ted transfer students, who apply later Looking at a chart of budget num-
class target of 2,700 for several years but creased, resulting in what would than incoming freshman, would be ad- bers and figures, Melucci had acknowl-
Whelan said he expects a greater num- normally be a projected decrease in per- justed to an amount lower than 1,200. edged the reality he and the university
ber of students choosing to attend SBU cent yield. Students who have higher Financially, admitting more stu- face.
after admittance. Thus, the SBU accept- SAT scores and grades have more op- dents would be a means of gaining ad- “I wish we were in a position to
ance rate is projected to fall 4 points to tions to choose from thus, decreasing ditional revenue for the university, grow ourselves out of these budget
a 40 percent acceptance rate. the yield. however, SBU is unable to do that for problems,” Melucci said, “but we are
Just three years ago, the acceptance “Here is the kicker, percent yield is the number of students already on cam- not.”
rate was 50 percent before dropping to expected to go up,” Whelan said. “One pus.
44 percent in the fall semesters of 2007 percent in my world means 100 more “We have been very conscious of it
and 2008.
The Stony Brook Press News 9

“War. Huh. Yeah. What is it Good For?”


fund, the Stony Brook Foundation, was The letter was addressed to Kevin throughout other generations of stu-
being invested into companies that Young, a graduate student who works dents,” he said, noting that he will be
By Erin Jayne Mansfield profit from war. As a private entity, the with the SJA, who pointed out that the graduating at the end of the semester,
fund is not subject to public record, so record did not contain an itemized list and future students will need to keep
Fifty students crowded around the the group ran into an informational of the companies in which the Stony the university in check. “This has to be
fountain in front of the Administration roadblock. Brook Foundation invests. “It’s some- a continuous movement. Every single
building on Wednesday, Mar. 18 as the After writing a letter to VP for Fi- what strange that this form is public in- group has to be in solidarity.”
Social Justice Alliance led them in a On Saturday, Mar. 21, the SJA took
protest against the United States’ War their anti-war protest all the way to
on Terror, just in time for the sixth an- Washington, D.C., to join the annual
niversary of the invasion of Iraq. March on the Pentagon, where over
The event came one month after 1,300 organizations from all over the
President Obama announced a troop country attended.
surge of 17,000 in Afghanistan and just Bill McNulty, an activist from the
one day after he and his team an- North Country Peace Group, the School
nounced they were considering sending of the Americas Watch and the Suffolk
troops into areas of Pakistan, where Peace Network, who said he has been a
they think Taliban leaders have been part of the Stony Brook community
able to lead attacks in southern since 1990, encouraged students to
Afghanistan. stand up against these “wars based upon
Protestors marched around the lies.”
Mellville Library and back to the foun- “We’re sort of past the stage of letter
tain, where more than 4,000 pink rib- writing,” he said about how student pro-
bons, one for each American casualty in testors should get involved. “Work on
Iraq, outlined the sidewalk. campus in that microcosm [of the
“If we did Iraqis who died or Iraqi United States].” He wants them to fig-
civilians who died, we know they’d cir- ure out exactly what their issues are and
Erin Jayne Mansfield
“It ainʼt ʻyou all.ʼ Itʼs ʻyʼallʼ”
cle the whole campus,” Charlene Ober- start making demands to their political
nauer, an SJA member, shouted into a leaders.
megaphone. Estimates of the Iraqi death But members of the activist groups
toll range from 85,000 to 1.3 million nance, Karol Kain Gray, on Mar. 4, and formation but that the list of companies were barely outnumbered by the stu-
people. receiving no information regarding the is not,” he said in an email. dents who attended.
Their protest extended all the way funds, they received a response on Mar. Student Justice Alliance member “I’m upset about the war,” Joe Rein-
into the Administration building, where 19–one day after the rally–from Dou- Andre Salazar said that the “SJA will hart, a junior from St. James, said. “I
the protestors crowded into a hallway to glas Pancino, the Records Access Offi- continue having campaigns and events,” think the most important thing we can
deliver a petition for budget trans- cer. He enclosed a hyperlink to the to make sure that the school is not in- do is get more students involved,” he
parency. Stony Brook Foundation’s public IRS vesting in any companies that help or added, “because this isn’t nearly

Oh My, Computer Science!


This was in response to the SJA’s record. are helped by war. enough.”
concern that university’s endowment Student Justice Alliance members “The most important thing we need
still say they smell something fishy. to do is continue our campaign

overall teamwork. “[There are] ques- team, consisting of Russell Kraner, “They are up against some of the
tions we expect them to know, to prob- Hrushikesh Bhatt and Arjun Menon best teams in the world,” said Henitz-
By Ian Thomas lems that are so complex that only a few finished in 16th place, which many con- man. “They are in elite company with
Three Stony Brook students will be people in the world can complete,” ac- some very elite schools.”
representing the school at The ACM In- cording to Doug Henitzman, a director Stony Brook is one of the 21 Amer-
ternational Collegiate Programming of strategy at IBM and one of the hosts ican universities that are participating
Contest. It is the most prestigious, of the competition. in the World Finals. Other notable
largest and oldest contest in the field of “It was a very exciting competition,” teams are Massachusetts Institute of
programming in the world. said Charles Ward, acting coach of the Technology, Stanford, Cal–Berkeley and
Stony Brook 2, also known as the team, noting that they were unaware Carnegie Mellon. Cornell University is
“Seacubs,” is made up of senior Roman that they had won until the final sec- the only other New York school that
Kogan and juniors Tynan Fitzpatrick onds, after being in a relative tie for qualified.
and Leif Walsh. most of the competition with Cornell. This marks the second time in four
The competition will run April 18- The team qualified at the Greater years that Stony Brook will send a team
21 in Stockholm, Sweden, where 100 New York Regional competition back in to the World Finals. Back in 2006, the
teams from more than 28 countries will October 2008. They were the only team Stony Brook team received an honor-
compete. Recent winners include War- to successfully answer eight problems, OMG! I can feel the numbers...lolz... able mention, finishing outside of the
saw University (Warsaw, Poland), finishing in first out of 50 teams, beat- top 28.
Shangai Jiao Tong University (Shanghai, ing out teams from New York Univer- sidered an impressive result for a group So, will there be a revenge of the
China) and Lviv National University sity, Columbia, Yale and Hofstra. made completely of freshmen and nerds?
(Ukraine). There were two other Stony Brook sophomores. “I think we will make a reasonable
The teams will be given ten ques- Teams at the event: the team of graduate Even though they performed quite showing, but it is a competition against
tions to test their knowledge of pro- students John Izzo, Aravind Akella and well at the regional level, the interna- the whole world,” said Ward with a
gramming, computer science and Jason Wu finished in third; the other tional stage is a different story. laugh.
10 Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

features
All’s Quiet on the Middle Eastern Front...Not
much hope for it,” Political Science Pro- more worry to neighboring Pakistan, a and U.N.
By Najib Aminy fessor Frank Myers said. Myers teaches
comparative politics and specializes in
country that is undergoing its own in-
ternal crisis. “Pakistan seems to be the
“I don’t regard it as extremely dan-
gerous,” Myers said. “It’s a much more
contemporary European political the- biggest potential problem,” Myers said. complicated political system we tend to
When Barack Obama became the ory. “It would be great if it could be a “It’s not clear that their pro-Western see.”
forty-fourth president of the United functioning democracy but the impor- government represents the will of the The people of Iran vote democrati-
States, he inherited a withering econ- tant thing is if it is no longer a distur- majority of the people.” cally for their Parliament (majlis), pres-
omy, two costly wars and an increas- bance in the Middle East.” With a political uprising occurring ident and the Assembly of Experts. The
ingly volatile climate in the Middle East. The Obama administration said no less then one week ago and the gov- assembly appoints the supreme leader
Turning to foreign policy, the former that it will refocus its efforts on ernment’s cession of land to the Taliban, known as the Ayatollah, who is the
Illinois senator has set his agenda into Afghanistan, working to control the Pakistan’s stability is unclear. supreme authoritative figure in Iranian
action with the close of the Guan- resurgence of both the Taliban and Al- “Pakistan is falling apart,” Arjo- government. The Ayatollah appoints
tanamo Bay detention facility and plans Qaeda and rebuild the nation. mand said. “It is in really bad shape, the the guardian council that screens and
for troop withdrawals from Iraq, where approves the Parliament, president, and
the conflict has cost more than $600 Assembly.
trillion, according to the National Pri- The trouble with Iran, according to
orities Project. Though Obama won an Myers, is Iran’s intention to run an iso-
election off of the campaign promise of lationist foreign policy.
hope and change, some Stony Brook “Iran has made overtures with the
University professors feel that it will U.S. through Switzerland but the Bush
take a lot more than hope for that administration, which I think was a
promised change to take place. mistake,” Myers said. “With countries
“Change is the word that certainly like that we should be willing to have
applies to how he wants to do foreign open communications.”
policy, said Political Science Professor Arjomand, who has written numer-
Helmut Norpoth, who teaches U.S. for- ous books about Iran, believes that di-
eign policy at SBU. “What exactly the rect talks with Iran are a step towards
change will be, we’ll have to see.” progress. He added that Iran’s impor-
Norpoth said he has already no- tance to the U.S. is its potential role in
ticed one bit of change, specifically in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
tone. “There is more talk, more open- Geographically, Iran is situated be-
ness, engaging others, not sort of put- tween both Afghanistan and Iraq. The
ting others down,” Norpoth said. Obama administration said it will push
Taking a page from former U.S Sec- for diplomacy to “pressure or stop their
retary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, illicit nuclear program, support terror-
Norpoth said he believes the biggest ism, and threats towards Israel. If Iran
challenges for the Obama administra- abandons its nuclear program and sup-
tion are the unknown of unknowns. port for terrorism, we will offer eco-
“The things you don’t know that nomic incentives like membership in
you don’t know even know about,” Nor- the World Trade Organization, eco-
poth said. Examples of this include nomic investments, and a move toward
events that are not currently being spo- normal diplomatic relations,” according
ken about or looked into similar to the to the Obama administration’s Iran
Bush’s administration and its prepara- agenda.
tion for 9/11. While there are the un- Conversely, Arjomand said he be-
knowns to worry about, much focus has lieves that economic incentives are not
been placed on the Middle East. enough. “The only advantage that Iran
Political Sociologist Said Arjo- can gain is help with nuclear technol-
mand, the editor-in-chief of “Studies on ogy,” Arjomand said.
Persiate Societies,” said he thinks the “[We] will increase our troop levels Taliban are in control of Peshawar and “They are very weak on the technical
biggest challenge Obama faces is the in Afghanistan, press our allies in the Obama administration is following side in terms of the man power.”
disengagement of the Middle East. NATO to do the same, and dedicate the same policies of the Bush adminis- Talks have been occurring between
“There is Iraq and Afghanistan and more resources to revitalize tration.” the Obama administration and Iran.
also the peace between the Palestinians Afghanistan’s economic development,” Arjomand explained that U.S. mil- When it comes to Israel, however,
and Israelis,” Arjomand said. reads the Obama Administration’s For- itary drones target insurgents but leave the Obama administration said it will
The Obama administration has an- eign policy agenda. The administration a number of civilian victims. ensure a strong U.S.-Israel partnership,
nounced that it will withdraw combat plans to crack down on corruption and “Obama is intruding in some ways support Israel’s right to self-defense and
forces from Iraq by August 2010. The aid the government in taking back its not so different from the Bush adminis- would give foreign assistance to Israel.
majority of the 142,000 troops stationed country. This plan is complicated by tration,” Northop said. “He is very de- “[We] believe that our first and in-
in Iraq will be decreased, leaving 35,000 Afghanistan generating one third of its termined to attack and kill the terrorists controvertible commitment in the Mid-
to 50,000 American troops to assist Gross Domestic Product from opium in Afghanistan.” dle East must be to the security of Israel,
Iraqi security forces, protect American production, according to the CIA Another test for Obama is the rela- America’s strongest ally in the region,”
civilian and military personnel and World Factbook, dividing the country tionship with Iran, a country that has according to the administration’s Israel
hunt terrorists. among tribal factions and drug war- received much media attention for its agenda.
“The important thing with Iraq is lords. nuclear enrichment programs, despite
that it not be a democracy—there is too Afghanistan’s problems have caused repeated condemnations by the U.S. F. Policy continued on page 11
The Stony Brook Press 11
features
Ukranians Do It Better in the Dark...With a Pen
sity on Mar. 16 during his trip to New support for his work in the U.S.S.R. due granted with Yushchenko winning by a
By Natalie Crnosija York City as a member of the Booker
Prize Committee. In select Stony Brook
to the convoluted structure of the
writer’s unions and began sending man-
small margin. His victory was seen as a
turning point in Ukrainian history. Po-
University European literature classes, uscripts abroad. This also proved un- litical observers believed that Ukraine
In The President’s Last Love, Kurkov spoke to students about his life successful. After receiving over 1000 would become a new European power.
Ukrainian author Andrey Kurkov tells and work as a Russian-speaking rejection letters, Kurkov began publish- In 2009, however, the promise of
the story of a politician who unexpect- Ukrainian author. ing his own books. 2004 has given way to corruption and
edly becomes the Ukrainian presiden- Kurkov’s literary career began dur- “I bought six tons of paper from political clan warfare. The political dis-
tial candidate and is poisoned and ing his childhood, upon the deaths of Kazakhstan and falsified documents to integration of Ukraine, due largely to
disfigured by his rivals. Years after the two of his three hamsters. In response, use a printing press,” Kurkov said. President Yushchenko’s fighting with
book was published, Kurkov received a he wrote an elegiac poem from the per- “Then, I began selling my own books.” his prime minister, has discredited the
visit from the Ukrainian secret police spective of the hamster left behind. Kurkov was eventually assigned to revolution, Kurkov said. The situation
who wanted to know if he had helped Kurkov’s literary development contin- a publishing company, which printed has only been worsened by the global
plan the similar poisoning of Viktor ued with the aid of his dissident brother his first book just as the U.S.S.R. col- economic crisis and the loss of many
Yushchenko, Ukraine’s liberal presiden- who brought home banned books and lapsed and Ukraine gained independ- Ukrainian jobs.
tial candidate. acquainted Kurkov with the works of ence. In the ensuing years, Kurkov has Apart from the internal crisis in
“I told them that professional poi- Bulgakov and Tsvetaeva at an early age. published 18 books, translated into 25 Ukraine, Russia’s continual strong-arm-
soners don’t read fiction,” Kurkov said After finishing his formal education languages, and has become an ac- ing of its former junior Soviet partner
claimed writer in has further soured the countries’ rela-
Ukraine and abroad. tionship.
Kurkov described his Ukraine, once dominated by Russ-
work as a combination of ian speakers as part of the Soviet burea-
magical realism, socialist cratic system, now “officially” speaks
surrealism, black com- only Ukrainian. The installation of a
edy, absurdity, realism, state-mandated language, a measure
adventure story and made to escape Russia’s still looming
roman noir. shadow, attempts to exclude many
“But that’s really for Russian-speaking Ukrainians like
the critics to say,” Kurkov Kurkov.
said. Though Kurkov has been criticized
In 2004, Kurkov as- for being unsupportive of Ukrainian in-
sumed the new role of a dependence by not writing in Ukrain-
correspondent/observer ian, one of the nine languages he speaks,
for Swiss and Austrian he only writes in Russian.
TV during Ukraine’s Or- “Russian is my mother tongue,”
ange Revolution. The Kurkov said. “Though I speak Ukrain-
revolution was a populist ian without any Russian accent, I do not
reaction to the alleged have a natural sense of the language’s
voter fraud that pro- nuances that a writer must have.”
nounced Viktor Kurkov, apart from the linguistic
Yanukovich, the Russia- strife, remains successful in Ukraine
supported candidate, the and is the envy of his literary friends
victor of the Ukrainian abroad.
presidential election. “They always tell me how lucky I
and laughed. “In Ukrainian reality, any- in Japanese language and a stint as a His opponent, the more progressive am,” Kurkov said. “They say, ‘You have
thing can happen.” prison guard in Odessa, U.S.S.R. (now Viktor Yushchenko, had been poisoned all this political chaos all the time. You
Kurkov, 48, a leading literary figure Ukraine), Kurkov devoted himself to but fought for a revote. Millions of have so much to write about.’”
in Ukraine, visited Stony Brook Univer- writing and publication. He found little Ukrainians protested, and a revote was

F. Policy continued from page 10


The conflict between Palestinians possible,” Myers said. “On both sides the ally to Israel, the U.S. is one of the very time,” Arjomand said. “His predecessor
and Israeli’s comes down to Israeli land opportunities were missed.” few countries that could help facilitate was such a disaster.”
settlements in the West Bank, a desig- Myers specified such an instance this peace process. Facing the effects of the previous
nated Palestinian area. Weeks before was when Israel took the West Bank “The U.S. is on one side and it administration, the economy, two wars
Obama’s inauguration, Israel launched after winning the Six-Day war. Rather makes it difficult to make it a real ex- and an altered political climate, some
a full military strike against the Gaza than allowing Israelif settlements on the ternal medium,” Northop said. “But no- have doubts in Obama.
Strip, targeting Hamas, a U.S.-recog- land, Myers said he thinks it could’ve body else could do it. I don’t see anyone “He is going to have to make some
nized terrorist organization. Many Is- been used as a huge bargaining chip and else who could have enough withstand- tough calls and people are going to be
raeli and Palestinian civilians were for a long-term peace. ing.” disappointed,” Northop said. “He’s not
caught between the crossfire. “Now its politically difficult for an Very early into the Obama admin- superman—he’s not somebody who can
Though peace talks have been pro- Israeli leader to pull settlements out,” istration, it is hard to determine how perform miracles.”
posed to Israelis and Palestinians for 60 Myers said. well Obama is doing. Yet, there are still
years, opportunities have come and The U.S. has been working towards differing views as to his presidency.
gone. peace between Israel and Palestine with “We haven’t had an intelligent pres-
“At various times in the past it was little success. In spite of their being an ident in this country for quite some
12 Features Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Stony Brook Student Visits Iran!


picturing him holding up the bloodied many believe that behind-the-scenes that the conference had “brought to our
By Aamer Qureshi shirt of a fellow protestor who had been
beaten by police. Batebi escaped from
talks between the two are already tak-
ing place.
country Nazis and racists from around
the world.”
jail and was then granted asylum in the Relations with Iran have been prob- “Ahmedenajad has an advisor who
Remember when 300 was released U.S. He was the face of the 1999 Iranian lematic partly because of inflammatory was expelled from Germany and he’s an
and it was decried by the Iranian gov- student protests for the world and was statements that Iranian President ex-Nazi,” said Said Arjomand, a profes-
ernment back in 2007? If you knew of severely persecuted for it in his country. Ahmedenajad has made in recent years. sor of sociology at Stony Brook Univer-
this, you might remember feeling a bit However, he notably said that if the Such comments include saying that Is- sity whose expertise is on the politics of
confused by their assertions of an un- United States were to attack Iran, he rael must be “wiped off the face of the the region. “He was working on a kind
derlying anti-Iran sentiment in the film.might return to serve in the army. earth,” and calling into question the ex- of alliance of Aryan races from the los-
After all, the battle of Thermopylae took President Obama’s recent video istence of the holocaust. He spear- ers of the second world war.”
place before Islam was even thought of message to the Iranian people has been headed a 2006 International conference Democracy does exist in some form
– and the ancient Persians were “pa- seen as a thawing of the incredibly rigid, to “review” the holocaust, which was in Iran. Of course, whoever is elected
gans” according to Islam. It turns President must bow to the ulti-
out that if you seriously want to un- mate authority of the Supreme
derstand how they think – you Leader. Even to be selected as a
have to throw Islam out of the mix candidate for the numerous
or minimize its importance in the rounds of the electoral process,
argument. one must be well-connected in
Jay Rose, a Political Science government circles for the Grand
major here at Stony Brook, trav- Council of Guardians to agree to
elled to the country in December their nomination. This process
and spent time meeting with the will begin again this June with
people, visiting various landmarks Ahmedenajad running for re-
and discussing politics with politi- election. A major would-be op-
cal and religious leaders. He re- ponent, former Reformist
called one conference in which a President Mohammad Khatami,
number of religious leaders at- would have been a favorable
tended to discuss Iran and Amer- choice for the west, but he
ica’s role in the world. A woman dropped out in favor of former
from his delegation stood up and prime minister Mir-Hossein
declared the United States to be the Mousavi. According to Arjo-
world’s largest terrorist organiza- mand, Ahmedenajad’s election is
tion – a declaration which angered inevitable because of the support
Rose greatly. However, he said that of the Revolutionary Guard and
although the leaders somewhat the Basij volunteer military force.
agreed with her statement – they
Jay Rose
Rose, however, is hopeful for
Coming soon: Stony Brook Tehran!
did not respect her for making it. Mousavi – who is a former hard-
“I met with every single one of line conservative-turned-
those leaders later and told them reformist. Whoever the victor
that my country is right in what it may be, the Obama administra-
does,” Rose said. “Sure we might mess and to some frustrating, U.S. foreign very controversial around the world. tion will have to deal with them if it
up on the way but we are not terrorists.” policy of the past few decades. Al- Even his countrymen disliked the idea, truly seeks a de-escalation of tension
The leaders respected his attitude be- though he thought the wording was with former President Mohammad with Iran.
cause in their eyes it is highly con- slightly condescending, Rose believes Khatami simply stating that the holo- A major regret for Rose was that the
temptible to speak out against one’s that peace between the two nations is caust was a “fact”. The chief foreign ad- Bush administration didn’t take up the
government in such a disparaging tone inevitable – something he claims will visor of Ayatollah Khamenei, Ali Akbar offer of dialogue when Khatami offered
– as the woman had done before. bring peace to the Middle East that Velayati, refused to take part in the con- it to them in 2003. “Even without the
Human rights activist Ahmed much closer. Officially, Iran’s Supreme ference and said that the holocaust was bias we have in hindsight, we should re-
Batebi is testament to this mindset – ac- Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has “genocide” and an historical reality. member that one of Bush’s beliefs in the
cording to Rose. Batebi was jailed in asked for “concrete proof ” of goodwill Even as some student protestors burned 2000 campaign was for a ‘humble’ for-
Iran following his famous cover photo- from Obama and has shown himself to pictures of the president and chanted eign policy,” he said. “9/11 changed all
graph of a 1999 issue of the Economist be skeptical of the video’s message – but “death to the dictator,” one mentioned that.”
The Stony Brook Press Features 13
E-mail The Press at
Want your club/organization to be featured in a future Club Spotlight? sbpressnews@gmail.com

Get Out of Stony Brook...Study Abroad!?


gious Oxford University for a full the sun doesn’t set all the way below the laundry list of reasons, the biggest is
By Liz Kaempf month, and that will look killer on your
resume. You’ll get nine credits by at-
horizon, so your clear nights will be
much more like days. I’ll be able to tell
probably the cost issue. We’re college
students. We spend way too much
tending, visit all sorts of cultural land- you just how gorgeous it is aer I go this money on books, and then attend
If you happened to walk through marks and you’ll be a mere train ride summer. school functions just for the free food.
the Melville Library on Mar. 11, then away from taking in the sights of Lon- So maybe you don’t feel like learn- Well starvation may be a small price to
you may have noticed the numerous ta- don. However, you get screwed when ing too much during your break from pay if you want to go to Oxford. e
bles set up to tell you about study op- you find out the summer program cost school, you just want to have fun in an- point is, most of these programs may be
portunities overseas. e International alone is about $4,000. No worries other country. Well then Rome, Italy is costing you a pretty penny to attend.
Academics Program held the Interna- though. Just for you. You’ll However if you’re a recipient of finan-
tional Study Abroad and Exchange Fair sell a few kilos spend $3,100 cial aid you’re getting closer. Put in
to try and get students off-campus for a of cocaine and for the initial your applications (due Apr. 1!), get ac-
change. (Probably a good idea for those you’ll be fine. fee to choose cepted, and then go talk to the Finan-
being temporarily evicted from their St. Peters- from plenty of cial Aid Department and they’ll tell you
dorms.) You can either spend a sum- burg is great seminars how to route your government-funded
mer, or a semester, in a multitude of not just for the ranging from aid (TAP, Stafford loans, etc.) towards
places including: Italy, Tanzania, Spain, Russian vodka Italian cin- your ballin’ summer in France.
Russia, England, Japan, and France. Or but because of ema, and in- ese programs are a much more
for those who cannot stand another sec- it’s history as ternational interesting way for you to get your
ond where they currently reside, you the cultural law, to busi- school credits. Instead of taking boring
can opt for the Exchange Student Pro- and political ness and Ital- summer classes on-campus you’ll travel
gram and spend entirely too much time center of Rus- ian history. abroad to have a real experience in a
in a foreign country. But with so many sia since the Aer your place you don’t already know. And un-
choices, where the hell are you going to 18th century. morning fortunately, without a Starbucks within
go? e classes in- classes you’ll walking distance. But the study abroad
Oxford, England is the place if you clude elemen- explore the seminars can be geared toward any out-
have no aptitude for a foreign language, tary, intermediate, and advanced rich culture of the city through mu standing D.E.C. credits you may still
or if you never paid any attention to Russian, linguistics and film. Russia seums and landmarks, but then at night need to acquire, as well as potential
four years of high school Spanish. With- happens to be the most inexpensive of it’s a legit party. One guy promised me credit for your major or minor, so it al-
out a language barrier, aside from the the programs coming to roughly $1,700 a toga party if I go this summer, but I’m most makes up for it.
occasional confusing dialect, it will be for the summer, excluding airfare and sure he says that to all the girls. Almost.
much easier to maneuver yourself spending money. But Russia’s White Supposedly, only about five percent
around the city. e best reason to go is Nights in the summer are the best rea- of students even choose to study
because you’ll be staying at the presti- son to go. e city is so far up north that abroad. Ignoring what I’m positive is a
14 Features Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Adapted Aquatics
By Raina Bedford
Matthew Urso is 13 years old. He
was born with hydrocephalus, a para-
lyzing condition caused by the buildup
of fluid in the brain. He cannot walk
without assistance. But every Thursday
he comes to Stony Brook’s adapted
aquatics program to swim.
Because he is paralyzed he needs
special assistance in the water. Students
enrolled in the adapted aquatics pro-
gram have discovered that by attaching
2-pound weights to his feet, he can
stand upright in the water and get max-
imum use out of his body. Students try
to get Matthew to move his arms and
legs around to build up strength in
muscles that would otherwise atrophy
as a result of being confined to a wheel-
chair.
Alex Ostrovsky, a student enrolled
in the adapted aquatics program, has
been working with Matthew for almost
a year. Ostrovsky said that every Thurs-
day he makes sure Matthew gets the ex-
ercise that he needs. The adapted
aquatics program also provides Urso
with the opportunity to interact with
they may regain control over weakened said. ease in the water. The water is an envi-
other children his age in a relatively
muscles. Five-year-old Khrysti Wolfskill ronment where they can move their
stress-free environment.
His students develop therapeutic comes to the program to play. She en- limbs independently and build up
“We’re trying to see as independent
regimens custom tailored to each indi- joys sitting on the edge of the pool and strength in muscles that would other-
as they can be in an environment that’s
vidual participant in the program. pushing herself into the water. She feels wise atrophy.
comfortable for them,” Ostrovsky said.
These regimens must be proven to build the tug of gravity at her feet and smiles It also serves as a social gathering
Matthew’s mother, Nancy Urso,
muscle strength and improve cardio- from ear to ear as she splashes into the for the disabled community. Every
said that the sessions also serve to im-
vascular functioning. water. She falls into the arms of a stu- Thursday parents line up around the
prove her son’s mood. She said that he
Angelo points to a young boy on his dent volunteer. pool to watch their children swim
looks forward to Thursdays and she
hands and knees floating on a mat. He Khrysti was born blind. She weighs alongside Stony Brook students and
notes an improvement in his behavior
is pushing a foam weight with his arms only 25 pounds because she suffers other disabled children. Parents said
when she brings him to the program.
back and forth across the mats surface from a growth hormone deficiency. that after attending the program, their
“It’s really all he has,” Urso said.
while two Stony Brook students hold Her grandmother, Pamela Wolfskill, children had better social skills and
Every Thursday night from 7-8pm
the sides of the mat so that it doesn’t tip says that on most days Krystie lives a more confidence.
the pool in the sports complex becomes
over. His sister sits beside him mimick- cloistered life without many opportuni- Sharin Essig has been bringing her
a playground for handicapped people of
ing his actions, and they are both ties to run around and let loose like daughter to the program for the past
all ages. Because the pool is littered
singing a song. The boy had a brain most children. But Thursdays are dif- five years. Her daughter has TAR syn-
with toys, participants often don’t feel as
tumor removed when he was an infant ferent for her. drome, a rare genetic disorder which
if what they’re doing is physical ther-
and the operation left both his left arm Behind Krysti, two students hold caused her to be born without
apy. They come from all over Long Is-
and leg partially paralyzed. His sister is out a long silver pole. They’re using it to kneecaps. Essig said that in the pool her
land and are escorted by their parents
there for moral support. guide a blind and deaf man along a div- daughter is able to move her legs
or other relatives.
“You see how he’s pushing that ing board. He feels for the edge of the around freely and has learned to swim.
Dr. Peter Angelo has been working
thing back and forth on the mat?” An- board with his feet and jumps into the Her daughter has made friends with
within the Adapted Aquatics for 43
gelo asked, “He’s actually building mus- water. He is able to swim to the side of some of the other disabled children in
years. He was one of the professors who
cle strength in his arm and he doesn’t the pool without assistance. the program and as a result feels more
fought hard to create the program in
even know it.” Wolfskill says that watching this confident about her disability.
1966, and has been overseeing it since
The little boy stood up and began man was her motivation to bring her “She used to see people staring at
1980.
to balance himself on the floating mat. granddaughter Krystie to the adapted her and it would bother her,” she said,
He said that the main goal of the
Angelo explains that although the boy aquatics program at Stony Brook. “but she sees other people here who are
program is to provide an opportunity
thinks he is just surfing, he is actually “There aren’t a lot of options avail- worse off and she realizes that when
for the disabled to exercise. He said that
building muscle strength in his leg. The able for exercising when you’re blind,” people stare they just have questions.”
without exercise, disabled people are
more muscle strength the boy builds, she said, “So bringing her here, not only Angelo said that he operates the
prone to weight gain, tissue degenera-
the more control he has over his move- is it fun and relaxing for her, but she is program on a shoestring budget. This
tion and muscle atrophy. Exercise also
ment. also improving her strength.” year he was allocated $12,500 to run the
provides an opportunity for the dis-
“While it looks like they’re all hav- Participants who have limited mo-
abled to build muscle strength so that AQUATICS continued on next page
ing fun, everything is therapeutic,” he bility on land move with much greater
The Stony Brook Press Features 15

Feminine Genius in the UK


Byzantine scholar, who studied philos- would be, she
By Roberto Moya ophy and wrote a detailed account of
the First Crusade in her book, The Alex-
replied, “society’s
acceptance.”
iad. What Kristeva deemed most essen- In what Kris-
Is there a feminine genius? Julia tial about Comnena’s achievements was teva identified as
Kristeva, an acclaimed French scholar her insightful contribution to the cause the “Scotus Ideal,”
of Bulgarian descent, made it known for a united Europe. In the introduc- an emphasis is
very early in her lecture on Mar. 17 in tion, Kristeva proudly identified herself placed on the
the Wang Center that such a genius as a “cosmopolitan intellectual.” uniqueness of the
does, in fact, exist. A genius, as she de- “You are a genius to the extent that individual. Such
fines it, is one who possesses “the ca- you are able to challenge your biological uniqueness was
pacity to surpass oneself.” identity and the identity society gives to an evident factor
Rather than jumping right into the you,” said Kristeva. And Simone de in all five female
dense material that would comprise the Beauvoir, Hannah Arendt, Melanie pioneers, for they
bulk of her discourse, Kristeva, instead, Klein and Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette did all exhibited the
delivered a brief biography of herself: that, all four being the fundamental pi- “polymorphism
How she came to be the progressive in- oneers for what Kristeva would later ex- essential for the
tellect that she is today was explained in plain as her own three ingredient recipe creative process.” Genius? She spells color with a ʻu!ʼ
reminiscent detail. Interestingly for the psychosexual development of Bisexuality, mean-
enough, it was said in third-person. the female genius – object relationships, ing an embrace of dual perspectives and feminine genius.
The female genius existed as early connections between thinking and liv- bravado in a male oriented society as a “Is there a Feminine Genius?” Yes
as the 12th century, according to Kris- ing, and approaches to temporality. female or as Kristeva put, the “other” of there is. Julia Kristeva is living proof of
teva. Her name was Anna Comnena, a When asked what a fourth component man, marks the true composition of a it.

heavily advertised. Most parents re- them. physical therapy, the experience of
AQUATICS continued from previous page ported that they heard about the pro- Stanislav Kozin has been a student working with the disabled helped him
23-credit program. He uses this money gram through word-of-mouth. in the adapted aquatics program since mature faster and develop more of an
to run a program that has 850 enrolled “Everything in the disabled com- 2005. As a veteran of the class he has appreciation for life.
students and four full-time professors munity is word-of-mouth,” said Nancy taken on a leadership role within this “The program really makes you ap-
who teach multiple classes. Urso, “this is no different. It was really community and assists Peter Angelo preciate the world more,” he said, “It
Classes in the adapted aquatics pro- a fluke how I discovered the program.” with the day-to-day operation of the makes you realize that whatever prob-
gram also provide students with the op- She said she was handed an infor- program. As a student, Kozin said that lem you have, it’s not the worst thing in
portunity to earn a wide variety of mational flyer by a parent who was al- in addition to learning the intricacies of the world.”
certificates. These certificates allow stu- ready involved in the
dents to teach in the relevant field. In program. Essig said that
the adapted aquatics minor students she found out about the
can become certified lifeguards, CPR program when she was
instructors, water safety instructors, checking out shoes in
first-aide instructors and adapted Target. The college stu-
aquatics instructors. dent checking out her
Although the large program has items happened to be en-
such a small operating budget, it re- rolled in the adapted
mains free of charge for parents to en- aquatics program and
roll their children. Angelo said that told her that she should
once a parent or relative successfully en- bring her daughter to a
rolls a child, they stay enrolled forever session and try to have
until they choose to leave. her enrolled.
Parents play a large role in this Students also said
community. They purchase extra toys that they learned about
for the program and contribute to the the adapted aquatics
year-end prom the students throw for program through word-
the participants. One parent donated a of-mouth. Alex Ostro-
red slide that the students convert into a vsky said he learned
water slide by pouring buckets of water about the program
on it. Parents also constructed a small- through a friend at a
scale mock wrestling ring that partici- party and decided it
pants can stand in while in the water. would be a good experi-
They often use the ring as home base ence to take the class and
when they play aquatic baseball. get direct patient care
Because the program is essentially hours. Many of the stu-
free physical therapy for disabled chil- dents who are adapted
dren, there is a long waiting list to get aquatics minors are ei-
in. This is complicated by the fact that ther pre-med or are
once a child is enrolled, they can stay looking to go into the
enrolled forever. Because the program field of physical therapy.
has such a long waiting list, it is not But once people find
the program it changes
16 Features Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

‘I’ll Have a Redhead with Blue Eyes to Go’


Woman” by The New York Post, gave
By Caitlin Ferrel birth on Feb. 25 to twins...from the
two uteri inside her body.
The condition – “uterus didel-
Nadya Suleman. The name should phys” – is more common than you
ring a bell. The “Octo-mom” gained na- may think. According to Dr. Robert
tional notoriety shortly after she gave Surawin in a CBSNews interview, the
birth on Jan. 26 to eight babies, adding condition presents in 1 in 2,000
to her already-on-welfare brood of six. women. Of these, 1 in 25,000 will get
The mom of multiples is the mother of pregnant with twins – making Sarah
the longest-lasting octuplets in the U.S. Reinfelder’s case a one in 50 million
to date. In 1998, Nigerian-born Nkem shot. There have been just three
Chukwu birthed a set of octuplets, but other cases recorded in the last 40
one baby died a week later. Both women years.
became pregnant with the help of fertil- Most women will never even
ity treatments. know if they have the condition be-
Pundits and talk show hosts have cause the two wombs will, for all in-
criticized the 33 year-old mom for en- tents and purposes, act as one. In
dangering her children’s welfare, and technical speak: both wombs are
her emotional and psychological health connected to the same reproductive
have been repeatedly questioned. Ru- equipment. So a woman will still
mors that Suleman is gunning for a re- only have one period though a
ality show soiled her already-tarnished
even two vaginas. And, like Rein- MUST. HAVE. MORE. BABIES!
woman could have two cervices, or
image when it was reported that she had
refused an offer of free healthcare, be- felder, when one baby goes into
cause the day care center wouldn’t allow labor, the other goes with it. percent certainty on a baby, and we will the practice is discouraged. “We do not
cameras to film her children. On a season three episode of Grey’s have determined eye color with about want you to discard perfectly healthy
Suleman is currently unemployed Anatomy, a patient was pregnant with an 80 percent accuracy rate.” He con- embryos because it’s not the sex you
and living on food stamps and disability two children who had been conceived tinued, “I think it’s very important that want.”
payments for three of her non-octuplet six weeks apart. According to Zurawin, we not bury our head in the sand and Long Island seems to have a grip on
children. Suleman admitted to using that’s impossible. “The body would not pretend these advances are not happen- reality. Dr. Roach said, “None of this
her disability payments to pay for her in support ovulation... when a pregnancy ing.” six, eight business.” Suleman had six
vitro treatment. She has used in vitro for has already begun.” “Of course once I’ve got this sci- embryos implanted, two of which split,
all of her pregnancies, and has used the The only way to find out if a ence, am I not to provide this to my pa- creating her eight babies. At Long Is-
woman has the condition is through an tients?” Dr. Steinberg defended himself. land IVF, the doctors follow guidelines
ultrasound, which is usually performed “I’m a physician. I want to provide dictating how many embryos can be
when she is already pregnant. The tech- everything science gives me to my pa- implanted: for women below the age of
nician would see the second womb, but tients.” 35, only two embryos are implanted.
if the baby is older than 20 weeks, it There are a few ethical dilemmas. Women between 38 and 43 will have
could block the second uterus, and the Like, which characteristics will be three implanted, and women over 40
woman will never know of her double- deemed superior, and how? What im- can have the maximum of four. If a
womb. pact will this have if the practice be- woman has had multiple failed cycles,
Reinfelder’s twins, Kaylin and Va- comes more common? And, assuming the doctors might allow another em-
lerie, were born seven weeks premature mostly rich couples will be able to af- bryo to be implanted.
(most twins don’t make it full-term) and ford this technique, isn’t it an unfair ad- “We have an extremely low multi-
delivered via C-section. Reinfelder and vantage? ple rate,” Roach said about women who
her husband Shane, 23, already have a Dr. Arthur Caplan, Director of the get pregnant with multiple babies.
10-month-old son, William. Center for Bioethics at the University of Roach said that, of the multiple babies,
There’s another breaking story on Pennsylvania, said on The Early Show, most are twins, with a few triplets. The
the baby fever front – “designer babies.” “You’re going to have the rich using multiple rate at Long Island IVF is less
Experts are predicting that soon, par- these technologies, and that’s going to than five percent.
ents will be able not only to choose their advantage them further. It’s not going to At least on a college campus, stu-

Hello, Mommy, Wanna play?


baby’s sex, but physical characteristics be something the poor get to do. Lastly, dents can escape from the outside baby
like hair and eye color. This leads many you’ve got a problem here, why are doc- crazy. Dr. Rachel Bergeson, the Medical
to the “slippery slope” argument – tors in this business at all?” Caplan Director of Student Health Services,
same doctor for all of her treatments; what’s next? wondered if PGD will be used as a said, “I have no experience with any of
Dr. Michael Kamrava, who is now being The technology allowing for genetic purely-for-cash business. “Is everything that. We might tell someone they’re
investigated by the Medical Board of selection is called “pre-implantation ge- and anything for sale at the fertility pregnant, and then we refer them to an
California. As of Mar. 19, only two of netic diagnosis” (PGD). It was first cre- clinic?” outside OB/GYN.” It’s probably a good
the octuplet babies had been released ated to screen for diseases, then gender. At Long Island’s In Vitro Fertility thing that the Stony Brook Health Cen-
from the hospital because the hospital Now it’s allowing parents to request a (IVF) clinic, PGD isn’t used. “The goal ter isn’t encouraging multiple pregnan-
is worried over Suleman’s ability to care brown-eyed girl. is for a happy, healthy baby of either cies for its student population. The
for her children. The director of L.A.’s Fertility Insti- sex,” said the Director of Clinical Serv- illegal triples are crowded enough.
Onto the less familiar (i.e. less tute, Dr. Jeff Steinberg, told The Early ices, Dr. Karen Roach. While the clinic “Most of it is making sure they don’t get
creepy). Show, “I would predict that by next year, will allow parents to choose to only pregnant,” Bergeson said.
Sarah Reinfelder, dubbed “Womber we will have determined sex with 100 have certain-sex embryos implanted,
2 Issue 2 | Wednesday, April 1, 2008

“The Party”
The Premier
James Laudano
editorials
Can’t Stand You
Andrew Fraley
Minister of Justice and Commandant of
the Glorious Peoples NKVD
“Letter” From the Premier
Najib Aminy Dear Readers,
Capitalist Pig-Dog Welcome back to another exciting edition of The Comrade. We appreciate
Katie Knowlton your patience and anticipation regarding the publication of this issue. It
Minister of Productivity turns out that when the capitalist pigs and their running-dogs ruined the
Tia Mansouri global economy, they also caused delays in our production schedule. How-
Cram it Down Your News Holes ever, much like global class struggle, our rise and return is inevitable.
Natalie Crnosija I will not waste time nor mince words. Instead, I simply present an image
Cindy Liu
that, we feel, accurately sums up our stance for this issue.
Feats of Strength Enjoy, and keep fighting the good fight!
Alex Nagler
The Opiate of the Masses
Kelly Yu
Photoshopping Incriminating Evidence
Into Your Photos
Roman Sheydvasser
Liz Kaufman
koppy EdiTurs
Ross Barkan
Erin Mansfield
Webmeister
Chris Williams
Has Since Loosened up a Bit
Andrew Fraley
Electronic Stereo Sonic
Jowy Romano

Minister of Misbehaving
Jesse Schopefer

Layout Design stolen by force from


Jowy Romano

Proletariat UNITE!
Kotei Aoki Frank Loiaccono
Ross Barkan Kenny Mahoney
Vincent Barone
Raina Bedford
Matt Braunstein
Justin Meltzer
James Messina
Steve McLinden
We have no idea what he our Korean Comrade is say-
Tony Cai
J.C. Chan
Doug Cion
Samantha Monteleone
Frank Myles
Amyl Nitrate
ing in the above picture. However, we can venture a
Laura Cooper
Caroline D’Agati
Daniel Offner
Chris Oliveri guess.
Krystal DeJesus Ben van Overkill
Eric DiGiovanni
Joe Donato
Laura Paesano
Grace Pak
It’s probably something like:
Nick Eaton Rob Pearsall
Michael Felder
Caitlin Ferrell
Jon Pu
Aamer Qureshi
“I fucking love smashing Capitalist Capitol Buildings!
Vincent Michael Festa
Joe Filippazzo
Ilyssa Fuchs
Kristine Renigen
Dave Robin
Jessica Rybak
Kooooooo-REEEEEEEEE-ANNNN SMASH!”
Rob Gilheany Joe Safdia
David Knockout Ginn Natalie Schultz
Joanna Goodman Jonathan Singer
Jennifer Hand Nick Statt
Stephanie Hayes Rose Slupski
Andrew Jacob Lena Tumasyan
Liz Kaempf Marcel Votlucka
Elizabeth Kaplan Alex Walsh
Jack Katsman Brain Wasser
Yong Kim Matt Thrillemain
Rebecca Kleinhaut Jason Wirchin
Iris Lin Jie Jenny Zou

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The Comrade 3
Direct all hate mail to our hosts, sbpressnews@gmail.com letters
Dear Stony Brook Comrade,

I am a poor steelworker living in the caucasus mountains. My day is filled with hard work, but i find solace in
the fact my labor serves to futher the cause of the greater workers global struggle. The other day I Found my-

self in the middle of a disagreement with a coworker of mine while at the local zakoosochnaya. He claimed
That the attached picture of our great leaders, circa 1919, cannot possibly be made any more, as he put it, ‘awe-

some’. I disagree. There is always room for improvement, especially while the capitalists still rule the world. How
can this picture be improved? I need to know
Sincerely,
Grigory V. I. Stalinoputin

Grigory,
While your friend is correct in his as-
sumption that our great leaders are
all but perfect, we will have to side
with you on this one.
Perhaps this will help you in your
quest to find a more, as he put it, ‘awe-
some’ photo of communist leaders. See
attached.

Sincerely,

The Comrade
4 Issue 2 | Wednesday, April 1, 2008

news
The Winter of Your Discontent
By Volodimir Bobenko
The winter of 2009 rolled across the ternet or food at all. Furthermore, if these quads CCCP, students would have adapted their lives
Stony Brook University campus like a tank in were bereft of these utilities, the quads un- to the absence of basic provisions. They would
Prague, leaving capitalist students crushed in its touched by the utility failures should have been have found a public facility where they could
wake. The winter, though not as bone-freezing cut off from these comforts as well and stood in wash, found blankets to keep themselves warm,
as those experienced in the glorious mother- solidarity with their fellow quads. other ways to get homework done and gotten
land, did result in a series of utility failures, food.
caused by a relentless Northern wind—and In the Golden Days of the Soviet Union,
bourgeois debauchery. In early February, heat under the great Stalin, comrades lived without Under the hammer and sickle, the basic
and hot water were cut off in Roosevelt (named power and such utilities. They were productive deprivation of resources led to resourcefulness.
for the great American socialist leader) and and glorified the state through technological ad- The lack of essentials created an internalized
Kelly (named for some anonymous capitalist vances and military prowess. These utilities, discipline. The combination of these factors
pig) Quads. Students were evacuated from which young and unformed students view as created a superior race of engineers, scientists
these quads and told to find lodgings elsewhere. “basic,” have been relied upon to an excessive and pioneers who were able to adapt to any situ-
There was much complaint from the student degree. Thus, when these utilities are cut off, ation.
body, which protested the university adminis- their absence appears nigh catastrophic and
tration’s handling of the utility failures. Apart mass hysteria results. The loss of these utilities can only help the
from the heating problems, the internet service students of Stony Brook and teach them the
in Tabler Quad failed from late January until Had Stony Brook University value of such resources which are a privilege,
well into February. This prevented students been moved to the land of the Soviet soyuz, not a right. Furthermore, these resources
from easily accessing the internet from their been renamed after some Soviet revolutionary should be taken away whenever General Secre-
rooms and completing their administration- hero, this unrest would not have occurred. tary Kenny decides it’s necessary. If there is sys-
mandated homework. Apart from the utility Then, students would not have complained for tem failure, so be it. If she deems it necessary to
failures, the campus dining facilities cut their the lack of utilities. They would have rejoiced. cut utilities to save money for organizing mili-
hours, preventing some students from procur- Students would have been thankful that they tary parades for the veneration of the collective,
ing nourishment at select times. My words to had not been dragged out of their dormitories so be it. Students must persevere. Students
the children sipping the decadent, capitalist, hot in the middle of the night, beaten, to awake in must adapt. Students must stop being weak,
beverages, complaining about their quality of corrugated aluminum prisons in Siberia. Had pitiful disgraces to their parent university.
life—you are lucky you have heat, showers, in- SBU been in the just and extremely correct Зa родинy!

Sputnik
By Alexi Naglovski
In a surprising move this afternoon, ties, residential dorms and university approved Vice President of Communications, David
president Kenny unveiled the official new shield apparel. The university is also issuing a recall of Mazza, was thrilled with the change. “Finally, a
of Stony Brook University. all former identification cards so that the Bu- chance to do away with the old USG logo and
The shield, a “red hot” background with reau of Students can disperse cards with the new the fact that it was blatantly ripped off from
a steel colored orb emblazoned with the SB logo logos. Princeton”
used by the athletics department and Cyrillic President Kenny has expressed her de-
writing beneath it, is meant to pay tribute to the sire that the next President of Stony Brook Uni-
“single most important force that drove Stony versity take the title of the General Secretary of
Brook into becoming what it is today.” That Stony Brook, not the President: “All to honor
force, according to President Kenny, “is Sput- our Soviet brethren, of course.”
nik.” These moves are only the first of what
“No longer will Stony Brook go without are perceived to be major sweeping changes to
a shield. It is time we join the ranks of institu- the university. Wolfie, the lovable jocular mas-
tions with shields. And what better way than to cot of Stony Brook is to become Comrade Volf.
pay tribute than to honor the glorious Soviet Jim Fiore, Director of Athletics noted that for
workhorse that launched itself into history and the majority of the year, Stony Brook’s weather
Stony Brook on to its path towards glory,” presi- conditions are similar to that of a Siberian win-
dent Kenny said. ter, so “decking Comrade Volf out in a fur cap
Sputnik, the Soviet satellite, was the first and officer’s coat would actually make more
manmade Earth-orbiting satellite. Launched on sense than the outfit he currently wears.”
Oct. 4 1957, its deployment marked a major Athletics is not the only department to
turning point for Stony Brook, turning what see a change. The Undergraduate Student Gov-
should have been nothing more than a teacher’s ernment has decided to fold itself and reform as
college into a major research university. the Unified Student Politboro, noting that the
The new shield is to be immediately new shield presents the perfect opportunity to
placed on all academic buildings, athletic facili- replace the old one. The Assistant to the Former
The Comrade News 5
—Andrew Fraley, editor extraordinaire
QUOTE: “I fucking hate capitalists.”

Shorter Dining Hours: Class War At Stony Brook


By Nikolai Meaton
In a move that can only be considered an In an effort to lend our support to Stony tion of barring private companies of any nature
attack on the proletariat, dining halls on Stony Brook workers, e Comrade has put together a from operating within 25 miles of any public fa-
Brook campus have been cutting their operating 3,547 page plan to expand labor rights on cam- cility whatsoever.)
hours. e Campus Dining Services has tipped pus. e plan includes suggestions to tax the tu- e committee on labor and education
its selfish and far from invisible hand, revealing ition of students whose families make over shall appoint nutritional directors at each uni-
its bourgeois agenda. $125,000 annually at a rate of at least 70 percent versity who will oversee the creation of public
When it was announced to the to subsidize those less fortunate students who dining facilities within their jurisdiction. Nutri-
people that the dining area in Roth Quad was to can waive the tax entirely. Appropriation power tional directors and union leaders shall come to-
be renovated, the common understanding was shall be delegated to a committee on labor and gether to elect a Board on Public Food And
that the goal was to create jobs. In an effort to education appointed by the senate. It is then Labor, which shall be made up of no less than 72
counter any benefit reaped by the workers, the suggested that the committee establish statewide members. e Board will manage all coopera-
capitalists significantly drew back operating labor standards for all public facilities and harsh tion between the labor unions and public dining
hours, which reduced both the number of avail- punishment for those who do not comply. facilities and will then elect an executive board
able jobs and the size of our paychecks. e A subcommittee on pro- of no less than 12 members who shall manage
people have seen through this malevolent plot letariat justice should be created to help enforce the aforementioned management. e Board on
to exploit them while hording the profits and punishment and oversee the construction of a Public Food And Labor, the labor unions, the
are rising up and calling for answers. bourgeois-exclusive prison complex. Legal fees public university dining facilities and the sub-
e capitalists will blame government and constructions costs can be extracted by committee on proletariat justice shall all fall
intervention. ey will say that the Deficit Re- levying a driving and parking fee on those stu- under the dominion of the committee on labor
duction Plan has depleted the funds available dents who own vehicles worth over $12,000. and education which falls under the dominion
for operating dining halls and paying wages. Aforementioned labor standards should include of the New York State Senate.
Fortunately, we have the United Faculty/Student the mandatory establishment of labor unions at e answer is simple: “From the rich ac-
Solidarity Front (UFSSF) to fact check. Com- each and every university as well as a central cording to their means, to the poor according to
rade Agnello, Czar of Collective Bargaining for labor authority to which all union leaders must their need.”
the UFSSF, has stated that Campus Dining Serv- report. Private dining companies should hence-
ices operates independently of state funding and forth be barred from operating within 25 miles
is not affected by SUNY budget cuts. Where, of any public university. (Note that the language
now, can the filthy overclass place the blame? within our proposed plan leaves open the op-

The students pictured are fighting one of many fights in the endless struggles of class warfare. Karl Marx
said it best in his 1872 book, The Communist Manifesto, “Rich People are Assholes.” We couldn’t have said it
better ourselves, Mr. Marx. PS, We loved you in Duck Soup.
6
7
8 News Issue 2 | Wednesday, April 1, 2008

Don’t Boycott Israel!


By John Tucker
I am a future member of the Green Party of is, unless their home gets demolished in the name One weekend I spent Shabbat in Jerusalem.
Israel, a political party that currently has zero seats of Israeli defense. Maybe during my mandatory That was nearly two years ago, and it was awesome.
in the Knesset (Israeli parliament). What’s more, military service I can get to operate one of those Two years ago, that was the 40th anniversary of
my colleagues in the Green Party of the United badass bulldozers that I always hear about. Just as The Six Day War. Today, some see 2009 as marking
States passed a resolution calling for divestment long as there is no white phosphorous involved. 42 years of a unified Jerusalem, while others see it
from Israel. So on the surface, my plans for Aliyah It’s my view that Israel can use a citizen like as 42 years of Israel’s occupation of the West Bank.
(immigration to Israel) aren’t that glamorous. me. The Law of Return states that as a Jew I can OK. So here is where I admit that I see it as
I’ll most likely have to serve some time in move to Israel and become a citizen right away. 42 years of a unified Jerusalem. This is also where I
the Israel Defense Forces (IDF), which I don’t mind When I take advantage of this law, I look forward acknowledge that a vote for the Green Party may be
that much. Hopefully, as a soldier I won’t have to to voting in Israeli elections, paying taxes and tak- throwing my vote away. In addition to my white
handle any white phosphorous – a chemical ing public transportation. phosphorous dilemma, I have no idea which party
weapon that is banned by international law but Public transportation – as in, the buses that I will vote for on future Israeli election days. In the
used by the IDF. However, many nations don’t rec- are infamous for blowing up. Think of this as well: fall 2008 edition of The Comrade, I referenced the
ognize Israel as a legitimate country, so why should the corporate fat cats in the Knesset most likely Likud Party’s Benjamin Netanyahu. He is a good
Israel recognize international law? drive cars that are no less fancy than a Skoda sedan. man, and as a politician working in the democratic
Those countries that do recognize Israel They probably don’t take public transportation. Jewish State, he has a right to his opinion.
don’t maintain their embassies in Jerusalem. Most Those who do ride the bus do so out of necessity. When I went on the Taglit-Birthright Israel
of them don’t even recognize Jerusalem as Israel’s I’ve never experienced real anti-Semitism, but program, they tried to put more of an emphasis on
capital. Instead, they maintain their embassies in some Russian Jew living in Bat Yam (a suburb of Yitzhak Rabin and less of an emphasis on Ne-
Tel Aviv, a city that is more like 100 years old and Tel Aviv) experienced it in the Soviet Union. So did tanyahu. Birthright also took us hiking in the
less like 3,000 years old. But apparently, Tel Golan Heights – an area that isn’t interna-
Aviv has some Green Party members on its tionally recognized as part of Israel. At least
city council – so score one for John Tucker. we traveled with two armed guards, and
The last time I was in Israel, I lived they didn’t take us to the West Bank city of
in a suburb of Tel Aviv. It fucking sucked. Hebron afterwards. Apparently Hebron is
Jerusalem is where the action is. The last the second holiest city in Judaism. I remem-
time I was in Jerusalem, I put in a good ber watching Yitzhak Rabin’s funeral on TV
word for The Stony Brook Press…err…I in Hebrew school. It was fucking sad. For
mean The Comrade, when I visited the the record, Rabin was assassinated by one of
Kotel (Western Wall). Almost two years his fellow countrymen, although the Jewish
later, I would say that it was a prayer well Israeli who shot the Prime Minister had
spent. vastly different political views from him. At
Not that I’m religious or anything. least Bill Clinton acted pretty cool at the fu-
Do the Jewish people have a right neral.
to control what was most recently called But does Israel really need the United
The British Mandate of Palestine? My an- States’ support? I have no idea how much
swer is yes–an answer that a lot of people money the US pumps into Israel. I remem-
don’t agree with. I guess they’ve never expe- ber my rabbi saying something about buy-
rienced real anti-Semitism. But neither ing Israel bonds, and it’s always a mitzvah
have I; I grew up Jewish on Long Island. (good deed) for a US synagogue to pur-
I have no idea what I am going to chase an ambulance in Israel. Maybe if your
do once I move to Israel. I’ll have to go grandparents relocated to Beit Shemesh in-
through some sort of Ulpan (Hebrew stead of Boca Raton, there would be less of a
school), because right now I’m not very Jewish population crisis in Israel/Palestine.
good at Hebrew. I also know next to noth- But that’s just my right side talking.
ing about Arabic. Maybe I can work at the When I first drew my controversial “The
American Apparel store in Jerusalem. Then I can all those Arab Jews (Mizahrim) who no longer live Pizza Company” comic, I was afraid that the
be like “Howdy, ya’ll, welcome to American Ap- in Iraq/Lebanon/Syria/etc (on a side note, I am sick Mossad was going to kill me. Then I realized that
parel” on a daily basis – but not on Saturday. of the Iranian government using Tehran’s Jewish Israel has a few more legitimate threats to its exis-
Lately people have been asking me why I community as a propaganda tool). They were tence than some lefty Jewish student at a school in
am choosing to make Aliyah. There are a few rea- forced to move to Israel, and are forced to ride the New York. Israel invented the Uzi, Krav Maga and
sons. For one, there is a Jewish population crisis in bus. When militants/terrorists/suicide to an extent, the atomic bomb (Albert Einstein has
Israel/Palestine. The State of Israel is approximately bombers/homicide bombers detonate their ties to The Hebrew University of Jerusalem). Pales-
75 percent Jewish. When I was over there in 2007, I weapons on public transportation, they’re killing tinian military technology is so primitive that their
was told that there is not a Jewish majority in those with whom they should most sympathize. soldiers have to die in order for their weapons to
northern Israel, and statewide, the population of My life is currently in the planning stage. work properly. So when I was over there, I slept
non-Jews was increasing. I’ve been looking at the popular Aliyah assistance pretty well at night knowing that I was safe.
Think of it this way: The State of Israel is a organization Nefesh B’Nefesh. They seem too right On Qassam rockets: one of the reasons
first world nation, complete with family planning – wing for me. The organization’s website advertises these rockets are hitting civilian targets in Israel is
although I cannot confirm that there are any abor- locating Olim (new immigrants) in cities and because they aren’t exactly the greatest works of
tion clinics in Israel. After all, Israel is The Jewish towns located within the West Bank – a.k.a. West military technology. Technically, they are “home-
State, and Moshe Dayan didn’t gain an eye patch so Bank settlements. made,” so I don’t think they have any satellite guid-
that “liberal Jews” living in Israel could kill unborn I hate the beach, but I’ve been told by some ance systems. Not to imply that Palestinians have
Jewish children. that all the cool kids live in Tel Aviv, a 100 year-old the inclination to avoid civilians. I don’t know why
All the while, Palestinians live in poverty city located on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea my side of the argument chooses to use white
and have little to no access to birth control meth- and well outside of the West Bank. In the past I had phosphorous though, but if you donate an interna-
ods. Those Palestinians who don’t die or get taken an incident involving cool kids. That’s why I will tional calling card to The Comrade, I will set up an
prisoner in IDF raids on their homes have larger choose to live in Jerusalem. Jerusalem is where the interview with an IDF spokesperson.
families than the average secular Israeli family. That action is. Next year in Jerusalem…
The Comrade News 9

Ask The Comrade


By Najib Aminy
How many times have you sat in class Step two, remember Mikhail Bakunin, Yates, start the brute V-12 diesel powered 780-
with perspiration dripping down your forehead the good man. Turn off everything in both horsepowered engine, a great work of working
pondering the usefulness of another great lec- tanks. This includes three-track CD player that class to benefit good country and let run for
ture on the political theory of great leader Karl should be playing the sorrowful music of minute or maybe two to bring power to failed
Marx? The answer is never, and that you do not Amernian duduk, as a reminder of what capital- battery. Reflect on glorious past of nation while
show disrespect towards teacher in class by ism can do. Turn off tape-cassette that should time goes by.
dreaming. You only live for nation and make ed- play biography of great leader in social belief. Step seven, honor Leon Trotsky, and
ucate for good of nation. Make sure the 125 mm 2A46 series canon is start engine on dead tank. When started, let run
I have great hunch that the average Josef switched to “off ” and auto loader capsule is to re-fuel battery.
or Dmitri will always need to know the failures closed as well. Step eight, read novel of Edward Bel-
of free-market society or the vital importance of Step three, for make great honor of lamy, then remove the cables in reverse order.
the strong working class in building of country. Chairman Mao, revolutionary of the east. Take -Remove negative end
But I will provide you education and lesson if jumper cable that hard working and loving fa- from former dead battery.
battery to your T-72 Main Battle Tank dies and ther tell you to put in rear of interior of tank. -Then remove negative
you need to recharge. (The one you will never have to use because So- end from good battery
This may never happen because soviet viet equipment fails never.) -Remove positive end
quality manufacturing never makes dead, and Step four, please take moment and re- from good battery
battery will live long like socialism even if you member great Alexander Berkman. His legacy -Remove positive end
leave interior lights on while reading up on lat- lives on in many way. Now connect end of jump from former dead battery.
est facist propaganda or The New York Times. cables to the batteries of T-72 in following se- Step nine, do not forget grand ruler Josef
Oh wait, your economist professor did quence. Do not try science experiment. This is Stalin. After acknowledgement, track down
not go over this. Of course not because he eats way: worker who constructed failed battery from se-
the grass that Barack Obama walks on. I bet you 4a. Connect positive cable to rial number and manufacturing plant. Demand
wish he had while you stand ready to battle with positive terminal on dead tank battery. In apology or threaten family. This ensure that bad
Kalashnikov and the working fist against the case you do not are aware of what posi- work will not go unnoticed.
corporate piggies running world to a muck tive looks like it is (+).
while tank is not work. 4b. Connect other end of positive When this works, call government sup-
But again do not worry, this tank is not cable to terminal of good tank battery. port automotive agency and let them know they
made in America. But if battery does die, this is 4c. Connect negative cable to do good job. You may feel it is right to cut this
what you will do. negative end on dead tank battery. In case paper and place in copy of tank registration and
Listen. Each step will be in honor of you do not do studies in school, this is manifesto documents.
great leader that youth and world should look negative (-). If you have things you would like learn
up to. 4d. Connect the other end of about. Stop. You must learn about what is neces-
Step one, in the honor of great Karl negative cable to negative end on working sary like glorification and strength of country.
Marx, the father of righteousness, line up an op- tank battery. Fine Print: Instructions must be fol-
erating T-72 supplied by comrade to your non- Step five, in honor of Emma Goldman, lowed. No risk. I know they are proof from
functioning one. Have working tank battery as double check that connections are made. You right-wing Washingtonian politician and work-
close to non-working battery. Do not disrespect are Soviet believer and smart. With fine atten- ing class suppressors. If you blow up self, then it
the manufacturing of working class and allow tion to detail you are not like silly person who is fault of facist propaganda.
tanks to touch. This may damage tank. No believe in tax breaks for wealthy or leave tank Now make better use of time in benefit
good. Ensure over the working iron fist that one interior lights on. Do not question me for being for country and work.
tank actually has a working battery and that skeptical. Go check again. No question asked.
both facist fighting machines are off. Step six, in dedication to Michael D.

Cartoon of the
Month
10 News Issue 2 | Wednesday, April 1, 2008

Finches
By Andrew Fraley
Finches. Everybody needs one. I have ness. the initial shock—the weaklings. I like to call
sixteen. They provide the solace and sanity to them the Liebermans of the bunch). The ones
me, because otherwise I would totally go apeshit I found the poor birds being sold who survived the shaking and the wing clipping
on everybody and everything. In the Fall of on the street in Chinatown one day. The birds I called my army of grizzled veterans. I later had
2005, I found myself among a crowd of normal were meant to escape from their new owners delusions of these finches being the returning
college freshmen. I couldn’t take it, their nor- and fly back to the peddler, to resell them. See- heroes of The Great War; the war of Soviet Ag-
malcy. I found myself more agitated and in- ing this deceit from the elder oriental man just gression against the rogue Afghan nation. I
creasingly on edge. Alone in a bastion of set me off. I punched the bastard in the face and would dream of attacking the normal students
collegiate ideological exchange and civility, I felt made off with his entire cage of birds. To pre- of this college, along with my champion finch-
more and more alienated. I was losing my grip vent their escape and trip back to Chinatown, I men-veterans. We would make them look like
on reality, and needed something to calm me threw the cage in a burlap sack, and shook it fools at every possible chance we got. The fol-
down. That is where I found over a dozen vigorously for 20 minutes, to eliminate any lowing list is each personified finch, and his
finches to ease my spiraling descent into mad- sense of directions the birds would have. I later story:
clipped the survivors’ wings (5 had died from

This is Hector. He runs the show. He is a total horrors that’ll turn yo’ shit white.” Hector likes
badass. He was once part of the KGB. He has to frighten the children and young adults. But
more police brutality stories than you do socks Hector does have his soft side. He likes to en-
in your hamper, you nancy. It’ll make your head courage underage smoking, and hands out his
spin. He is the leader of my finch hoard, harass- domestic cigars to the 16-year-olds. “Take a puff
ing the good-natured hippies across the street, on that, boy, it’ll turn yo’ shit white.”
protesting America’s current war of aggression
against Afghanistan. “You want an illegal war?
You didn’t see the war in the 70s, kids. I’ve seen
The Comrade News 11

This is Dwight, the elder finch. I imagine he had served in the


Great War (I know I called the last one the Great War... ah, who am
I kidding? They were all Great!); the war of Nazi Aggression. He
fought in Stalingrad, and was responsible for gunning down the
dissenters and cowards in the Red Army. “If I had my way,” old
Dwight would say, “I’d gun down all these no-good fascist do-
gooders.” He would attend our anti-anti-war rallies, carrying a
giant bullhorn, and a mean face. He liked to yell at the little kids
across the street. When parents asked him politely not to harass
their children, he would yell at them too. Nobody tried to speak to
this man, he was absolutely insane, and also suffering from demen-
tia. He even yelled at us; it was a bit awkward at times.
Actually, Dwight died. I just now accidently stepped on
him. Well, replace “accidently” with “repeatedly”, and “him” with
“his entire extended family” (he had 7 kids). Those poor dead bas-
tards.

This is Johan. He is the quiet member of our group. Only lashing out in
regular periodic fits of rage, he is usually well composed. I take from his
example, and only lose my shit on weekdays from 5-9. A grizzled veteran
himself, he suffers from PTSD. Not wanting to sound like a “wimp”
though, he likes to call it FWSBMFS, or Flag-Waving Strong Badass
Mother Fucker Syndrome. “I have Flag-Waving Strong Badass Mother
Fucker Syndrome,” he likes to say, a lot. Actually, that’s all he says. Little
Johan may not have made it out of that burlap sack fully intact. Poor
dumb bastard.

This is Uncle Jack, and his friend Stinko. It appears Jack and Stinko may
have ulterior motives for attending our little shindigs. Uncle Jack is very
benign, and loves to get chummy with the young hippies. Stinko watches
silently but intently as Uncle Jack gets close to the young protestors. “Hey
there little lad, why don’t you get those tight jeans over here? This is
where the fun is.” He likes to play the good guy in our escapades. They
usually leave early, satisfied smiles on their faces.

Little Raptor Man is the last of our cavalcade. He is called this because
those elitists like to say that birds evolved from dinosaurs, and because
he grinds his teeth into razor sharp weapons. He’s bitten many protestors
in our history of our counter-protests, but never gets in trouble. This
may be because he’s murdered every single police man on the force in
Sufflok County. The land of my dreams is a lawless land, the only order
comes from LRM’s incisors of justice. I like to nickname him Noam
Chompsky. Or is that his real name? What am I talking about again?

I have had some of the best moments of my life with my


finch friends, my only friends. They have never let me down. They keep
me sane in a world full of insanity. They are my only family; I accidently
murdered my real family just now.
Finches, everybody needs one. On on Saturday in April, I found a shit
ton.
ASIAN AMERICAN E-ZINE
The Stony Brook Press Features

Asian Guys: Hot or Not?


is a fact that many of us in NYC in my field and forces me to make
the first move which is something of
have come to believe and what I've Asian American Boyfriends a challenge that lures me. It builds
come to believe is the fact growing by Samantha Carr
up in NYC. So this break provided attraction, especially if I know I'm
My name is Samantha Carr and I'm close to the catch. The "thrill of the
an eye-opening change when every a 22 year old white female in a long- chase", if you will.
trip into the city I saw at least one term relationship with a Japanese
interracial couple where an Asian But that's just the
guy wasn’t with an Asian woman. beginning of the
While I've dated outside for my getting-to-know-
race several times in the past, I've al- you stage. Once I
ways considered myself an outsider do catch them and
or the strange one in the group. am in a relationship
Growing up too American to really with them, it never
fit into the “Asian” groups but too gets dull. As a gen-
“Asian” to fit into the “American eral rule, or at least
Asians” (for some reason speaking what I feel is, Asian
CBS Numb3rs star and SBU alumna
Chinese barred me from the second American men are
Diane Farr with husband Seung
Chung group). Imagine my surprise going more emotionally
back to the city and suddenly, inex- invested into their
The best selling New York Time's
plicably I find that the world has relationships than
book, Stuff White People Like, is a
shifted and I wasn’t so strange any- their Western coun-
long list the author views as defi-
more. Every time I went out, I was terparts, at least in
nitely white things. It's a little sexist
tempted to go and meet these cou- my experience.
since #11 Asian Girls is only about
ples but I figured it probably wasn’t They're loving, af-
white males, but there has been
the best idea and in the end I never fectionate, and will-
some consternation in the Asian
did find out what was going on but ing to spend time
male community that the white
the fact was it was happening. and be committed
world views their women as hot but
Of course seeing all this and being a to their partners.
they are not. What follows are some
college student I had to ask every- They also are the
views about interracial relation-
one I knew about this and if they had best and most con-
ships among asian americans.
siderate lovers. A
My Winter Break noticed the same trend or if pro-
lot of Western guys
by Jack Xiang longed isolation on Long Island had
burnt out my mind. For the most Daniel Henney, Korean American actor/model start feeling you up
Time spent in college can skew and say "Yea, lets do it," but that's
your perceptions on reality in many part they said that they had been American male. Many people are not the case with Asian American
ways, in one sense you gain a more noticing it more and more fre- aware that it's not every day you see men. They seem to really value their
complete perspective on life, in an- quently and most of them didn’t a white female with an Asian male, partners, sex, and all the activities
other you are isolated away from the know what to make of it. Many of but rather the other way around. I'm surrounding it. They're happy to be
world. The few chances you have to the more militant Asian Americans at a loss for an explanation to such a intimate and close with their part-
connect with the world again is your that I had met were overjoyed and phenomenon, but in my opinion, it's ners and they hold sex as a sacred
summer and winter break. For those supported them while other more a shame that it's not more common act like it should be. I personally
of us who come from the city, it’s a conservative Asian Americans I than it is. Whether it's a cultural or have trouble keeping my hands to
chance to see how quickly the world knew took it as a sign that maybe sociological reason, or just plain myself with my boyfriend because I
changes and how the world goes on the image of the asexual Asian male prejudice or reluctance on the part just enjoy being in his presence and
without us. This break for me was had started dying off. of the white female population, I being intimate with him. He is by
an affirmation of that, for the first Is it that more second or must say they're missing out on a far, and I've gone out with a number
time in twenty one years of living in third generation Asian Americans very exciting and fulfilling relation- of different guys in my life, the best
NYC, I saw more Asian male and are appearing here on the East Coast ship.
that are more willing to date outside boyfriend I've had and I've never
non-Asian female couples roaming This isn't the first time I've been in been happier in a relationship than I
the streets of NYC. of their race? a relationship with an Asian Ameri- am now.
Since the age that I first started Is it that Asian men are sud- can man. In fact, it isn't the second
denly in style and old images like Again, I can't really say whether
dating, I've heard complaints from or third, but I have a preference for it's cultural or whatever, but I feel
many Asian guys talking about how Charlie Chan and Fu Manchu are them. Aside from the physical at- that Asian American guys make the
“the white man” was stealing their starting to die out? tractiveness (and they are indeed best lovers and I think every woman
women or of how they meet Asian Personally I have no idea VERY attractive), they have quali- is missing out if they've never been
women who won’t date an Asian and for what its worth I don’t really ties about them that I find a lot of with one.
guy. While most of the time I dis- care how it’s happening, it’s just a Western guys are lacking. The first
miss this as the bitterness of men good feeling knowing that maybe is the modesty they have about
who have been rejected, there is other Asian American guys out there themselves. Even though it can
some truth in the fact that most of are more like me than I think. That manifest as shyness, it puts the ball
the time I see interracial Asian cou- maybe I’m not the outcast Asian
American male that’s too “Asian” or www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine Excerpts from AA E-zine Vol 20
ples, the woman is usually Asian
while the guy is another race. This too “American”. Weekly meetings every Friday 2:30 PM in Student Union 071
18 Features Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

A Royal Visit with The Emperor


However, once The Emperor’s siren call
By Ross Barkan is heard, no one can resist.
“Lemme tell y’all about my music,”
he begins, spewing a collection of
Existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul nouns, adjectives, and verbs that mean
Sartre wrote that man is in control of his little to our ears until he asks the fateful
own destiny, subject neither to fate nor question. “What’re your names?”
God. He wrote optimistically of the This is when the lingual cyclone
human race, believing that through ac- that is The Emperor is unleashed upon
tion man, already free, could achieve our feeble souls, rendering us clay in his
anything he desires. If Sartre were to Promethian grasp. His sheer verbosity
stroll down Times Square on February is the equivalent of an unholy, Hi-
28th, 2009, he would find the epitome roshima-esque mindfuck, one that has
of man, a person truly free and aware of not been witnessed since.
the responsibility he shares with the rest “Ross,” I reply weakly.
of mankind, a person who compre- “Ross! Ross the boss! Ross is the
hends he is the cosmos. That man is boss, yo whaddup Ross, the boss,” he
named The Emperor. shoots back, astounding me. How could
Who is the man? Who would so one man, one mortal summon such
presumptuously anoint himself The brilliant rhyming skills without hours of
Emperor when at first glance the premeditation? It turns out The Em-
human consciousness discerns no tem- peror is a rapper, a fellow soldier in the
poral domain for The Emperor to reign battle of the streets. He asks me where I
over? To answer this question, you must am from. The Emperor, seen in his Imperial Court
come with me to the teeming, flashing “Brooklyn,” I say.
streets of Times Square, an intersection “Notorious!” he cries, referencing does with Joshua’s name. into play later on. Remember that we
as bright and as absurd as the whole ti- the Notorious B.I.G., a dead and rotund “Josh givin’ all the girls the posh,” he are in the vortex of Times Square—up
tling mass we call planet Earth, that rapper from a section of Brooklyn in croons, officially dominating the Eng- is down, red is green, and the lights,
azure spec in the aphotic vault holding which my lily-whiteness would not be lish language like a steroid-enhanced those burning neon eyes drenching and
all the hopes and dreams of billions, welcome. We exchange handshakes. I dominatrix, beating words into the searing your core, are a jubilant psy-
dreams destined for oblivion no matter feel tall. crust until they conform to his rigid, chosis. The Emperor has one more
where you look and no matter whom The Emperor tells us of some of the meticulous, and mind-raping stan- thing to add.
you seek. Walk to 42nd street and let the rappers he has worked with, reciting dards. All I can think is: “my god, Josh “So, I just want a lil’ donation you
neon bathe you, air corrupt yet blithe, their names as if he is reading off the does give girls the posh! How did he know, just whatever you got. Ten dollars
contradictions painting your senses like ambrosial ledger of the Olympian gods. know?” usually preferred but whatever is good.”
the brain is a canvas for the rococo mus- Our small minds do not recognize any At last, Brandon’s name confounds If only, dear Jesus, that were true.
ings of an age long thought dead but of these names. I will try to reproduce The Emperor. He is but man and not Joshua, Brandon, and Craig all pull out
alive and well, coke bottles, burgers, what I can on this parchment so the god after all. A wave of relief washes single bills or shiny dollar coins (or
bras, beer, all bombastic, all glorious, all reader can understand the events. We over all of us as we witness his first lin- Railroad Doubloons seemingly only
insidious, bombs of consumerism ex- are all flummoxed. gual struggle. available from Long Island Rail Road
ploding in the air, destined to ruin, des- “Y’all know I been rapping with “Brandoooon! Bran-don! Bran- ticket machines) to give to The Em-
tined to please, look up and see, and some big names, like [Cake Mix John- don…” peror. His eyes pass over them like a Se-
drink the tonic that Old Man America son], [Lil’ Fuckhead], [Lil’ Nastyfuck], Stymied. The night is far from over. mitic miser, the twinkle bright enough
has concocted for your tongue so used [Q-Bone], [DastardlyFuck], and [Jizz From his jacket, which no doubt con- to blot out a cosmic vagina. Everyone
to tasting ennui. Drink, and walk. The Donkey].” tains a link to a deeps-space wormhole passes in their donations until the time
Emperor sees you. Next he serves unsuspecting Craig or Newtonian temporal vortex, he pro- comes for this writer to hand in his due.
“What’s up fans?” he calls from the something fierce. Writing in my study duces disks packaged brightly in plastic. If only, if only…
sidewalk, positioned just out of the way many days later, I am still unsure of how Run, god damn you, run! Don’t let The “Yo fans, don’t worry ‘bout change,
of the pedestrian haze. He is in the per- The Emperor could rhyme so well. He Emperor’s psychic grasp violate the I could break a thousand dollar bill!”
fect place: out of the way, but not too far is Alexander Pope reincarnated, only if inner sanctum of your subconscious! How do we measure moments? You
out of the way. He is wearing nonde- the Pope reincarnation were cyberneti- Sadly, I cannot call out to my past self can suspend time in amber and exam-
script clothing. The Emperor, dear citi- cally-enhanced to write even better and because time-travel has not been per- ine each section until, like a dinosaur, it
zens, does not need mere clothe to be then spray painted black for effect. fected. roars forth to an epiphany. In Jurassic
distinguished from the masses. This “Craig?” he says after Craig Heed, “Yo, so I got these CDs here. You Park, Wayne Knight is fucked by a bra-
writer is traveling with a few dear com- Indie Rock sensation, spews his appel- should take some. They’re off the chain. chiosaurus. Or is he? Look again, into
panions. Allow me the pleasure of cata- lation. “Craig with da bread! Craig with I’m gonna be big soon, and it’s good the amber of the moment, and under-
loging them: there is Joshua Ginsberg, the da bread! Whuddup Craig?” music you know, so, you can each have stand that felons tell the truth, priests
a maladroit melodramatic chap with a I swear on the testicles of Gibraltar a CD.” lie, and Santa Claus didn’t eat those
heart of gold, Craig Heed, a dark- that this is what The Emperor said. He hands us each a devil disk, his cookies. Your overweight, alcoholic
haired, dark-hearted warrior in these Rhyming Craig with bread…is this what actions seemingly benign. He signs each stepdad with a penchant for child porn,
woods (we call life), and Brandon Al- painting the Mona Lisa was truly like? I of our disks with a marker, a hasty re- burritos and smokin’ blunts on I-95 ate
terman, a former Stony Brook student try rationalizing and reconciling the mind of this Kafkaesque night. Later I the cookies. He ate the cookies! Why,
best remembered for ejaculating words “Craig” and “bread” but find my would find out he scrawled, dear baby Jesus so kind and innocent in
(semen) into a roommate’s sock and as- neurons unable to handle the signal “Ross NYC ‘09” on my disk, neglecting the bosom of Mary, did I pull out the
piring to be a Ultimate Fighting Cham- overload. Instead I slouch toward en- even to write his own name. It was truly 20?
a brilliant ploy, one that would come
pionship fighter. They are all brave men. lightenment, waiting to see what he EMPEROR continued on next page
The Stony Brook Press Features 19

Ham Sucks!
recent studies and reports that the pop- have its economy plunge as a result of highest probability of parasites and dis-
By Najib Aminy ular pork product, ham, sucks. Accord-
ing to a Northwest Iowa Community
this study. “This is what happens when
you have Democrats running this coun-
eases from all the garbage pigs eat.”
The study has received positive
College study done on pork, researchers try,” said the senior Sen. Chuck Grassley feedback from both Muslim and Jewish
His apron was bloodstained. Drops discovered that nerves within the ham (R-IA). “They hug trees and listen to communities resulting in both sides fi-
of blood continued to fall from the meat tissue in a pig cause it to eat in the same bogus studies and reports from hippy nally agreeing to agree. “This is nothing
cleaver in his left hand onto the floor. areas as it defecates. scientists.” new to us, we actually follow that rule
The tissue in his right hand was crum- “We noticed something was wrong Iowa’s democratic governor, Chet that you are not supposed to eat pork,”
pled, soaking in the river of his tears. “It and were shocked by what we found Culver, believed the state would not suf- said Ali Ahmad, 18, of the Bronx, a stu-
sucks,” said Franklin Timmons, a out,” said D.J. Hackett, lead researcher fer from the study or reduction of pork dent aspiring to follow his parents’
butcher in Borough Park, Brooklyn. on the scientific project. “Pigs are dirty. production. “Iowa’s economy isn’t just wishes for him to become a doctor or an
“More than half my imports are pork Selling and consuming the meat of this pork,” Culver said. “By the way, I would- engineer. “Isn’t that part of believing in
products—ham is my number one dirty animal is not only dangerous but n’t take him too seriously—his name is a religion?”
seller. And now this?” can cause some type of disease.” Chuck.” Stamping kosher stickers across his
Like Timmons, Americans across Iowa, which produces the most pigs Some congressional leaders are al- convenience store in Astoria, Queens,
the nation are beginning to cope with according to WikiAnswers, is likely to ready working to propose a bill to ban Joshua Finkelstein was not surprised by
the selling of ham and pork products as the news. “Ham? Oy, it gave me the sh-
a whole. “Just as soon as President pilkes,” he said. “Besides, it was too ex-
Obama chooses his dog, we will revert pensive.”
our focus on this very important mat- There was a mixed reception, how-
ter,” said Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OH). ever, from some. “I think it’s silly that
“And that economy thing also.” people believe they should not eat pork
Hackett’s study, covered in the New because a supernatural being says they
York Times as well as Al-Jazeera, has should not,” said William Burgh, a stay-
caused ripples in the lifestyle of many at-home son from Long Island. “I like
Americans. “I used to eat green eggs to believe in science whenever I care.”
and ham all the time,” said Sam, from PETA applauded the study and ef-
Seuslanding, known for his role in an el- forts to prevent the killing of pigs. “This
ementary piece of literature. “To be is not an issue of religion or thought,
honest, it wasn’t even that good, I am but cruelty,” said Hillary Perkins, New
glad I have an excuse not to eat it any- York regional director. “Instead we
more.” should focus on eating leaves and being
Though pork has been under the healthy.”
religious microscope, deemed unclean Placing the meat cleaver on the
in the Bible, Torah, and Qur’an, this is table, Timmons looked out his window
the first time a pork product has been and came to realize why his business
singled out. “The study showed that was performing poorly. “I’m located in
The nasty men might not love you, but I do! nomnomnomnom pork as a whole is dirty, but ham espe- Boro Park.”
cially,” Hackett said. “It tends to have the

EMPEROR continued from previous page us is willing to budge. refund. The Emperor uses his final Indeed, I was in New York City in ’09.
The Emperor begins to return some gambit. If this is Dragon Ball Z, The The Emperor knows all.
I hold a 20-dollar bill freshly borne
of my money. It is then when he revs up Emperor is Goku busting out his biggest We walk onward. The Emperor has
from the tan wallet I carry around with
his mental motor. sprit bomb yet. Run for cover. won, keeping my unintentional nine-
me at all times, a gift from a mysterious
“Now ya see, your friends will give “I can’t give you the CD man. I dollar donation. The Times Square cy-
father who once travelled to Morocco
you change. I gave you some money. I’m signed it.” clone spins around us, haunting my
and rose to power ages ago. The Em-
sure they’ll be good for the rest. I don’t “Huh?” fragile soul. Craig dumps his CD in a
peror grins.
got change anymore,” he says, returning “Naw man, I can’t be givin’ these trash can. I can’t dump it. I won’t let go.
“Aight, thanks for yo’ donation.”
me a few dollars that had been my CDs to other people. I signed your I will never forget. To this day I still have
“Um,” I say. “Can I have change for
friend’s money. Realizing The Em- name on it. See?” The Emperor’s five-track CD in my dor-
a 20? I don’t wanna contribute that
peror’s game, they had returned their Dastardly as ever, The Emperor re- mitory. I have listened to it, twice. Each
much, maybe five dollars.”
CDs or he had taken them back. Only veals his greatest russet: sign the CD to time I sobbed. You can’t win, lil’ dawg,
Do you dare trifle with The Em-
Craig keeps his. I am confused. ensure that there cannot be a refund. he says through the static. I always be
peror? It is akin to disturbing the very
“No, you know what, I just want The Emperor has won. I cannot have hustlin’.
universe that creaks and groans around
my money back,” I shoot, meeting The my 20 dollars. I stare, dejected, and Indeed, Emperor. You are hustlin’.
us. I hold my CD, wishing now we had
Emperor’s gaze head-on. The Emperor count the change in my hand. Roughly
ignored his siren call.
continues to play his brainfuck gym- 11 dollars are remaining in my palm. I Post Script: After our encounter
“I don’t got change for all that,” he
nastics. First, he insists my friends peruse them, realizing this is all the with The Emperor, we ate an expensive
says, flashing a wad of bills in my view.
should somehow refund me. (Even in money I will ever have tonight. dinner at ESPN Zone. Low on money, I
He has the change.
the Times Square vortex, this ain’t make Minutes pass. The Emperor and I consumed only ketchup. We related sto-
“Look, I don’t want to give that
no sense.) He then tells me, when I just banter – I going all magic flute voice on ries of romance and masturbation.
much. Can I just get change?”
want my 20-dollar bill back, that he him, he laughing like a sideshow tree Then we arrived at Toys ‘R Us in the
My companions at this time are
can’t give it back because he already lizard. We realize the world is a funny center of Time Square, wherein we pur-
abandoning me, snickering up the av-
gave me a CD. I tell him, in my shrillest, place. I can’t have my full refund; in- chased candy and admired Tonka
enue. Minutes pass and they return,
huskiest and most robust timbre, that I stead I own a CD with black, sloppy Trucks. Josh got a really big gummy
surprised to see I am locked in a battle
will give him the CD back for the full handwriting that reads: “Ross NYC ‘09”. worm. Really big. So it goes…
with the almighty Emperor. Neither of
20 Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

arts&entertainment
Pink Floyd Laser Show Rocks Staller
your head. It sounded a little something
By Justin Meltzer like this while you are in the audito-
rium, “The lunatic is on.” Then you
walk outside and put your jacket on,
Pink Floyd came to the Staller Main and when you are good distance away
Stage on Friday, Mar. 13. No, no, they you hear, “the grass.” Wow, that is loud!
weren’t there in person, but rather in While lasers can be quite spectacu-
laser. That’s right, it was the “Pink Floyd lar, the ones that played during this
Laser Spectacular” at Stony Brook, and show were not so much—unless, of
it was as exciting as the name implied. course, you had on the special 3D
Taken, of course, that you are under the glasses, which weren’t actually 3D, but
influence of certain hallucinogenic just refracted light specs. Again, the real
properties, those of which I shall not 3D was released while using specific
name. “resources” before the show. The lasers
The show played, as you would ex- were just visualizations taken from the hours. That is where the three large head. It was fun and entertaining—
pect, que music, que lasers, play till fin- songs and poor ones at that. It was as screens came into play. Projected on maybe not for a Friday night, and for
ish. It opened with a booming “Dark though the guy who made it just took them footage from “The Wall,” and $35, (plus $2 for the damn glasses) but
Side of the Moon.” No matter what state clip art and pasted those pictures into a other video clips taken from what could fun none-heless. The true experience
of mind you were in, the sound was program that turned them into lasers— only be described as a Rorschach test on was again the sound that easily obliter-
truly spectacular. The bass was so deep not so spectacular if sober, and even less acid. Yes, the images were nothing new ated your 7.1 stereo surround sound
and thunderous one could feel it in their so without the glasses. and amazing, but the overall effect was system at home in a heartbeat, a heart-
bones. The music was so loud that when Yes, lasers are cool, but apparently clear: if you were tripping balls, you beat much like that at the end of “Dark
you left the auditorium, you could still not cool enough to hold the attention of

Fobulicious: How I Catcha the Gay


were having fun. Good music, cool ef- Side of the Moon.” Lub-dub, lub-dub,
feel the music playing in the back of the audience for the entire two or more fects, lights and lasers all over your lub-dub, lub-dub.

lights go out, finally! Lion Dance! But things America allow! They sing with
By Yansen Yu white couple come out and say, “Wel-
come to the Second Annual Drag
no music, but they sound like woman. I
think: “Is this video? Do I hear cor-
Show!” Du-rag Show? What du-rag rectly? They look like men, but sound
Let’s get one things straight: I good show? I look and see very handsome like woman. This not right. They must
Chinese girl. Really! I good Chinese American boy, so I think it okay, girl in have the full gay.” But they sound very
girl who study hard to be rich doctor pretty dress too, maybe introduce nice, so I listen. Oh…oh no, by then I
who bother nobody. I try hard. I have group. But then! Pretty boy start un- already catch it.
friend. I make good steamed tofu. So zipping pants! I shield eyes so I stay vir- Last I saw was worse of all, from
why this happen to me?! gin and look at doors. One too far and that I finally catch the gay. Sascha
Last Thursday, I go to Tabular The- one closed. I trapped at white devil du- Fierce. Must be Italian. I hear my fa-
ater. I want to watch Lion Dance prac- rag show. Pretty boy keep saying he has vorite song. Beyonce come on and I
tice and maybe practice in my room boyfriend, then I finally know: I was think: “Finally! Song with no gay!” and
where no one see. I make sure room- with the gay. I see very pretty girl come out who sing
mate not in room, she disrespectful, First, very short boys band come just like Beyonce! I so happy. She
very disrespectful. I get to theater out on stage. They very good. Sing like dance so good and pretty like Beyonce.
If this is “the gay” sign us up!! Look at those biceps!
around 7:30 and think, “Ehh? Why so professional, so I want their CD. I see I cheer with peepoe. I stand up with
many peepoe? Why there rainbows bumps on shirts and wonder: “Why people, then heard, “You go boy!” I
everywhere?” Then I remember: “Oh, they wearing armor?” I wonder if they “Maybe this the person I will treat in turn to them and say, “Boy? You mean,
Irish Drunk Day. Leprechauns every- are fighting the gay on stage. Then, an- hospital one day. He pay me big money, girl!”
where,” so I keep walking upstair. There other boys band—too many boy band, I treat him very well.” I start to think Then person say, “No, I meant boy.
so many peepoe dressed up so nice! one boy band enough, two boy band dancing not bad, then I knew. I could Where do you think you are?”
Some in high heel, some in dress, but boring. Front boy having sex on stage, feel inside. Gay spread slowly. I say, “That can’t be boy! Too pretty
some I think are prostitute, so I give dis- I look away. I so afraid to catch the gay, Next dance with guy and girl, so I to be boy!” Person stop clapping to look
approving Asian stare then look down I squeeze eye, cover ear and stop breath- happy, no way to catch gay from girls. I at me and say, “Listen honey, Sascha
and go into room. ing to not inhale the gay. After per- look closer and see they very ugly girls Fierce may be his stage name, but his
Mama taught me Asian stare. It formance, I safe. I did not feel the gay who dance very bad and guys who wear real name is Justin. I’m sure he’d give
very powerful. inside me. too many shirts. They jump up and you a chance.”
I see so many chair everywhere! I Then girl with very skinny legs down too much. I do not like, but I like I in state of shock. Boy can look
think maybe Lion Dance have show walk out who sound very much like song very much, I sing “Jizz in My pretty as girl? That mean girl can look
today. I get so excited! I sit and take out man. But I knew no way man, showing Pants” many time in my head after- like boy! Then we all confused and no
camera for show and realize must Face- too much leg with too little chest. She wards. I like song about cell phones more babies! But Sascha Fierce very
book this later. More peepoe with pink walk around like angry old man who that vibrate too much in pants. I know, pretty and such good dance moves, I
and purple hairs and very pretty boys live next door to me. I try hard to look next time, I put on silent. think: “This can’t be so bad to catch the
come later. I think: “American very away, but I want boa she throw around. Another boy group come out. One gay if you can dance like Beyonce.” I fi-
weird. Women very hairy. I should Next, I remember very sad boy. Very with very big belly and long beard, one nally embrace the gay, even respect the
have go to school in Furance.” Then angry boy, but very pretty hair. I think: with very long hair, like girls! All the gay. Just don’t tell Mama.
The Stony Brook Press 21
arts&entertainment
Punk Goes Poop!
it is likely because they are of the “neon problem when, for example, I can barely hard to make it sound like a metal or
By Katie Knowlton T-shirt” variety of musical act. They sell
merchandise that destroys the retinas of
tell the difference between Miley
Cyrus’s “See You Again” and Breathe
hardcore song, it takes the fun out of
what the project is all about. It also
anyone over the age of 20 with their Carolina’s “cover.” The only difference is doesn’t help that bands like Alensana
To put it bluntly, Punk Goes Pop ridiculously bright colors. The colors the implied gender of the singer and the and August Burns Red wouldn’t know
Volume 2 is probably one of the metal if Scott Ian hit them in
worst albums I’ve ever listened the face with his pointy guitar.
to. Featuring 12 of the shittiest The two vaguely redeem-
bands in music (plus two that ing tracks on this album were,
are too good for this album) ei- surprisingly, recorded by two of
ther barely covering their mod- the shittiest bands on the entire
ern pop song, or trying so badly compilation. A Day To Re-
to make it “metal” that this member’s version of “Over My
album is a spectacular failure. Head (Cable Car)” by The Fray
When the first Pop Goes is decent merely because it
Punk album was released in sounds like what the songs
2002, it was a fun, if slightly for- should’ve originally sounded
gettable compilation. Fearless like. It is the kind of track that
Records managed to collect a di- is well suited to the big, sta-
verse group of straight-up punk dium-filling chorus and loud,
and pop-punk bands to cover power chord-driven verses
pop songs from the time, along found on the A Day To Re-
with some from the 80s and 90s. member cover. Unfortunately,
And most of the songs were ac- the song is ruined by the ran-
tual covers, putting a punk spin domly dispersed unnecessary
on some of the most popular breakdowns with bad scream-
songs in recent memory. It com- ing. The second almost all right
pleted exactly what it set out to cover is Four Year Strong’s take
do, and while there were no mu- on “Love Song” by Sara Barel-
sical masterpieces to be found, lies. This cover is the only that
everything was at the very least retains the original spirit of the
listenable, if not better. (Rufio’s first volume of Punk Goes Pop,
version of “Like A Prayer” is still it’s a fun, punk take on a popu-
one of my favorite covers of all lar, Top 40 hit. Four Year Strong
time.) But this fun spirit was is rather awful outside of this
beaten out of the second vol- cover, playing bad pseudo-
ume, creating an awful collec- hardcore/pop-punk nonsense,
tion of songs recorded by bands but perhaps they remembered
trying way too hard. are used to distract the listener from ac- change of lyrics from, “My best friends what the Punk Goes [insert decade/genre
The first major problem with this tually hearing what they are playing, be- Leslie said ‘Oh you’re just being Miley,’” here] series is supposed to be about. Or
album is that almost none of the bands cause, for the most part, it’s awful, to, “And all my friends say, ‘You’re just it was a fluke. It is likely the latter.
are, even in the loosest sense, punk. The over-produced, glossy power-pop with- being crazy.’” To reiterate: there is a Punk Goes Pop Volume 2 is a waste
closest they get is with rock/pop-punk out a hint of meaning or purpose. It’s Miley Cyrus cover, barely distinguish- of time and money. If you must listen to
band Bayside, one of the bands too fine in small doses, but to fill almost an able from the original, on a compilation this, please download it, or listen to a
good for this compilation. The first entire album with it is unbearable. called Punk Goes Pop. And this is not stream on the album’s Myspace. Do not
entry in this series featured acts like The second problem of Punk Goes the only example. As much as I love buy this album unless you want your
Stretch Arm Strong, Thrice, Slick Shoes Pop Volume 2, it that most of the tracks “Disturbia,” I don’t need The Cab’s take soul to cry.
and Reach The Sky. Volume 2 features aren’t really covering the original. They on it, as it sounds exactly like Rihanna’s,
Mayday Parade, Breathe Carolina, The are straight-up reproductions with gui- and let’s be honest, Rihanna is far fiercer
Cab and Attack! Attack! If you haven’t tars playing the role synthesizers and than The Cab. And those who don’t re-
heard of any of the bands on Volume 2, computers have generating music. It’s a produce their song almost exactly try so
22 Arts & Entertainment

Come To Papa (Roach)


Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

trict middle school that had about 300 music, the Offspring-Smash Mouth fan like “She Loves Me Not” and “…To Be
By Doug Cion kids per grade. And let us not forget
about puberty, braces and that entire
that I was didn’t seem to cut it anymore,
and Limp Bizkit seemed to be the clos-
Loved” and not so mainstream songs
like “Born With Nothing, Die With
idea of fitting in and trying to be cool. est thing I could get to rock. But then, Everything” (the “Broken Home” for
“10 more years! 10 more years!” was I’m not going to hide anything: I was out of the abyss that was that time’s me of the second album Love Hate
all I could hear as I was exiting the dorky-looking and considered to be mainstream music, came a song that Tragedy), I was able to let out some frus-
Blender theater in New York City on quite weird by most people. I guess I changed my life: “Last Resort,” an an- tration that really needed to be set loose.
Mar. 10. This was the epilogue of the can thank athletics for giving me the them for pissed off, self-mutilating On top of that, the crowd was graced
spectacular performance I just wit- teenagers who wanted to hear face melt-
nessed that truly enforced the notion ing guitar riffs and fist raising anger
that not even a nuclear holocaust can (let’s face it, the bar cords from Blink-
kill a roach. Papa Roach had just con- 182 got old real fast). The first hit off an
cluded their set, for which I just so hap- album titled “Infest,” this song brought
pened to be in the front row (I have the new life to me, and once I listened to
bandana hung on my wall that the lead track three on the recently purchased
singer wiped his sweat with). Now I album, as a kid coming from a divorced
was walking back to Penn Station by family, “Broken Home” became the
myself with a few scrapes and bruises source of my passion for life. Hello,
and a hoarse voice. I know they say you Papa Roach. My name is Doug Cion.
shouldn’t walk in the city by yourself
No, no. Not that kind of roach.
You don’t know it yet, but you are going
after midnight, but I rather enjoyed it. to save my life.
My lack of voice would have made it Ever since then I have been hooked, No no no! Not that kind either. Idiot.
difficult to carry a conversation, and I and ten years and three albums later,
also had the opportunity to think back only positive reference for my reputa- there I stood five feet away from Jacoby, with three new hit songs that are com-
on my history with the band that saved tion. You want to know what was the Jerry, Tobin and Tony, banging my head ing off the new album, of which I will
Hard Rock and, basically, my life. main reason I did not fit in? I didn’t fall and screaming my lungs out. This con- not say the names because you have to
Oh, the seventh grade is a great into the fad of that time the notion that cert was a part of two combined tours purchase the album for yourself. It is
time in a kid’s life, right? Especially it was cool to act black. that was aiming to promote the release safe to say that the music this band pro-
when you’re leaving a Catholic elemen- Mainstream hip-hop and rap dom- of their new album Metamorphosis in duces just keeps getting better and bet-
tary school you have been attending for inated the radio and TRL (remember March of 2009 but ended up being re- ter. Okay, I am still that pissed off kid
the past eight years with the same class- that show?) and pop was beginning to lated to as the “10 Year Anniversary from the seventh grade, but now I have
mates to start a new school year in a dis- reach its high point. With regards to Tour.” Playing hits from past albums a damn good time being it.

Anna Bradley is On the Up and Up


Anna Bradley is tension of the simple two-chord jaunt of the first half
By Josh Ginsberg some unsigned kid
from Manhattan
of the song gives way to a tremolo laden, bridge that
reminds me instantly of a “Workin on Leavin the
whom no one has Livin” before sliding back into the chords of the first
ever heard of. His music sounds as if J Mascis of Di- half. Most of the low-end sounds on the album seem
nosaur Jr was sixteen and holed up in his room with to be made by keyboards rather than a bass guitar.
nothing but his electric guitar, an acoustic guitar and “Cats”, which serves as the EP’s centerpiece, con-
his MacBook (Oh, and if J Mascis loved his future templates Armageddon in what might be too overt a
band mate Lou Barlow’s lyricism in Sebadoh). manner, and echoes Elliott Smith, as “Rabbits” and
Anna Bradley’s first EP is nine songs long, and “Hopeless” come to later on down the line. The two
plays itself out in under twenty minutes. It is titled Are punchiest songs on the recording come in the second
You A Young Rebel? and starts off with a clatter of 16th half of the EP. “I Never Learn” makes the best use of
notes on a drum machine high hat. The first song, Anna Bradley’s ambient chords, and is the best exam-
“Chronic”, pits this driving beat against indistinct vo- ple of Anna Bradley’s ability to flesh out an entire band
cals processed during the verses through what sounds arrangement on his own. “I Never Learn” could ben-
like a megaphone. Anna Bradley sings mostly about efit from a real drum kit, but the programmed loops
girls, and states, nonplussed, that he “can’t handle sub- work fine, though hopefully when Anna Bradley
tle.” The song gives way to an acoustic song called records a full length, the song will be fleshed out with “The Hunger” is probably the best song on the
“Lux Mundi”, which sounds like Jeff Mangum cover- live drums. It is the only real song on the EP which is record, evoking “Pot Kettle Black” and Bug, with a
ing a song off King Shit and the Golden Boys, with a reliant on a second guitar part, which again reminds multi-tracked chorus of Anna Bradley’s singing
pawn shop synth purchased in the wake of falling in me of Dinosaur Jr, though less elaborate. The verses, through what sounds like megaphones. The drum
love with Substance. “Lux Mundi” slides into the one- which are the best part of the song, are made up of loops have never sounded better on the prior tracks,
minute-long track, “Breakhouse”, which again is car- palm-muted chords, a taut drum machine loop and a and a guitar solo and tempo change make “The
ried by a tight, drum machine and a shimmery electric soft, powdery keyboard line that could have come out Hunger” the most dynamic song on the EP.
guitar. Anna Bradley sings over the last few minutes, of a John Hughes film. The chorus is another straight The last song, “Hopeless” is a brief throwaway, but
of suits that look expensive, and pleads to some gov- ahead rocker. Anna Bradley continually focuses on ro- also one of the catchiest, most sing-songy pieces on
ernment official to spare him in the onslaught of tax mantic themes, but his frustration is never as apparent the EP, complete with an ebullient little whistling solo.
hikes. as it is on “I Never Learn.” Anna Bradley is very The EP is downloadable for free from Anna’s Myspace
“A Voracious Appetite” feels like the third part of straight forward in terms of his ennui, which is con- page and is a good record, though some of the new
a song suite, kicking off with distorted power chords stantly stuck on a girl, and in the case of “I Never songs played by Anna live that are slated for his debut
and telling the story of some “lonely little girl” before Learn” finds him wishing he knew what it was he had full length are even better. I can’t wait for “Perfume”
giving way to a guitar solo replete with tapping. The to strive for. and “Collapse” to be available for wide release.
The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 23
Resident Evil V: A Zombie Killfest
With Split Personalities
zles and complete special two-person These limitations on game play lead cause the controls definitely need at
By Kenny Mahoney objectives.
The game plays out in the third per-
to the real draw of the game: tension.
These mechanics add tension, forcing
least 15 to 30 minutes of getting used to
before you dive to co-op play. After all,
son with an over-the-shoulder camera you to conserve ammunition and pick if just one of you dies, it’s game over for
Before I begin, there’s something I view that suits the more action-oriented your shots carefully. Not only that, but both of you.
need to stress. Resident Evil games have play well. There’s a number of control you’ll have to plan out your attack and Once you’ve completed the game
you shooting zombies. Resident Evil 5 schemes to choose from, including the escape carefully. Unlike most shooters, you unlock Mercenary mode. Think of
takes place in Africa, and with Africa classic RE4 controls to a more “Gears of when you get into a confrontation in Mercenary mode as kind of a mini-
comes a darker skinned zombie. It War” style button layout. With what- RE5 you feel that there’s a very good game that allows you to play through
doesn’t take a genius to figure out that ever style you choose, you’re going to chance you’ll be ripped to shreads. In special areas with a handful of guns and
having a white character almost exclu- need some time to get used to it, be- most shooters, you blow through it like ammo, tasked with killing everything
sively shooting dark skinned people can cause the controls can feel kind of you’re some god with a gun that laughs that moves within a specific time limit.
bring forth certain thoughts to mind. wonky at first. This is mostly due to the in the face of death. In RE5, it’s more Not only can you play these as Chris
However, there are some things you fact that can’t run when you shoot – a like you’re pissing your pants at the face and Sheva, you can also play as a couple
need to keep in mind when thinking staple of the RE series. of death – and that’s a kind of exciting of secret characters. And, just like in
about this game. However, what differentiates this feeling to have. the campaign, you have the option to
Zombies do not see color. They do game from most shooters is that you’ve Fortunately, to help combat the play Mercenary mode with a friend.
not discriminate, and anyone can be- Unfortunately, most of the game
come a zombie. Zombies do not care play can come off as kind of shallow and
what flesh they feed on or what color predictable. Almost every area has you
their host is. Black, White, Hispanic, doing the exact same thing – walking
Asian, whatever – flesh is flesh, plain around until you hear the music start,
and simple. It is important that you killing everything in sight, and then lis-
view this game through this lens – the tening for the music to stop to know
enemy here is the zombie and NOT the you’ve killed everything. After that, you
black man. However, if you still have a proceed to ransack the area destroying
problem with playing as a white charac- everything breakable in hopes of find-
ter that shoots black zombies, you can ing some ammo. Knowing when you
just stop reading right now. You will will and won’t be attacked takes away
not enjoy this game. There, now I’ve from the surprise and suspense that
just saved you from being offended and have made the RE series so great.
saved you $60. Also, while the addition of a part-
So, if you’re still reading, Resident ner is great for co-op play, it does take
Evil 5 is the 5th numbered installment of away from the scare factor. Fighting
the Resident Evil series (there’s too many alone filled you with a sense of fear in
non-numbered sequels to count). The that it was all up to you to survive and
game follows a similar play style to that that one false move would lead to get-
of Resident Evil 4, so if you enjoyed that ting your eyes ripped out. Now that you
then you’ll probably enjoy this one too. have someone to cover your ass while
For anyone who hasn’t picked up a RE you’re reloading, it just doesn’t feel the
game in a while or those of you that are White man shoots black people. Woot woot that is the sound of the police. Woot woot.. same.
totally new to the series, this game is It’s sad to say it, but the puzzles just
going to feel a lot different from past aren’t what they used to be. Believe it or
RE‘s and any other shooters you may got a serious lack of guns, ammunition, pants-wetting, you’re not just stuck with not, there used to be a time when solv-
have played. and places to put it all. The game gives the guns that the game gives you when ing puzzles was more prevalent than ac-
Beginning with RE4, the series took both you and Sheva your own 9 spaces you start. Between levels, you enter into tual fighting. RE4 had a significant
a turn away from the survival/horror of inventory to hold guns, ammunition, the “marketplace,” a screen that lets you drop in the amount of puzzles to solve,
genre it was famous for towards a more and healing herbs. You access your in- organize your inventory, sell off any and the drop in RE5 is even more. Not
action-oriented style of play, thus elim- ventory in real-time, so there’s no paus- treasure/jewels you’ve found, and spend only are there less of them, the ones that
inating most of the horror elements. ing the game for a breather while you all the gold you’ve collected to purchase they do include are so mind-numbingly
While the game still has its moments, exchange ammo with Sheva or using an and upgrade weapons (Sorry RE4 fans, simple that it’s almost insulting that it
don’t expect to feel the same kind of fear herb while figuring out an escape. the mysterious vendor didn’t make it to kind of feels like a waste that they were
you felt in previous entries. While it can be annoying from time to Africa.) As you progress through the included at all.
The story is your typical Resident time, it helps keep the flow of the game, game, the marketplace is stocked with All things considered, RE5 is facing
Evil storyline – zombie virus infects an constantly keeping you in the action. new weapons and items including pis- kind of an identity crisis. It still wants
area and you’re trying to find out what’s All of these items can be found in- tols, shotguns, and sub-machine guns. to remain faithful to previous entries
going on. You take on the role of Chris side barrels, crates, and the corpses of Since the game gives you a partner, with the inclusion of puzzles and the
Redfield, an agent with the BSAA slain enemies. But don’t think that it’s almost a no-brainer that they’ve in- standstill shooting but also wants to go
(Bioterrorism Security Assessment Al- you’ll find 100, 50, or even 20 rounds cluded both an online and offline coop- more towards an action game with co-
liance), sent to “Kijuju”, a fictional area for any weapon in these places. Most of erative mode for the game, which allows op and increased gunplay. So, if you’re
of Africa, to investigate a terrorist the time you’ll be lucky to find 10 hand- you or a friend to control Sheva through going in expecting one or the other
threat. Once in Africa, you meet your gun rounds or 5 shotgun shells. Also, the entirety of the story mode. The co- you’re going to be very disappointed.
new partner Sheva Alomar. As your since there are two of you, you’ll have to op mode works well enough, but if But, if you can embrace its unique style
partner, Sheva will not just help you divide up the scarcely placed ammo, you’re playing with someone who hasn’t of game play you’ll be more than satis-
fight the invading hordes of zombies. having to decide who really needs to played the game yet you’re going to have fied.
You’ll also need her help to solve puz- take what. a difficult time getting through it, be-
24 Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

“I Love You, Man” Makes Me Feel


Funny Inside (Like ‘Ha-ha’ Funny)
pug mix dog, named Anwar Sadat, Peter’s obnoxious co-worker Tevin who Night Live’s Andy Samberg, was gay but
(after the third president of Egypt, be- consistently used vernacular such as, was not the stereotypical “flaming” gay
By Justin Meltzer cause they “look alike”) had a very im- “in the hizzie my nizzie,” and “me no man by any means. And the other gay
portant place in the film. The characters rikkie,” were almost upsetting to hear in man of the film was Reno 911’s Thomas
When Paul Rudd and Jason Siegel were all well thought out and had very this day and age. We left the 90’s for a Lennon, a guy who Peter mistakenly
make a movie together the first thing specific character traits that were never reason and he was a constant reminder goes on a date with instead of a com-
that pops into my head is, “Oh great, betrayed in the entire movie. And while of that. I suppose it works for the sake of pletely heterosexual date, which ended
another Judd Apatow movie with Paul with a long one-sided kiss on Peter’s
Rudd and Jason Siegel.” However, I was face.
surprised to find out two unexpected I would have to say however that
things about this movie. First was that the unsung hero of the film was a small
the film was not in anyway influenced but memorable role played by Iron Man
by Mr. Apatow, and second that it was director, Jon Favreau. As the token mar-
actually quite good. ried asshole of the movie, he played the
Directed by John Hamberg, the curly haired Jew married to the smok-
movie tells the story of Peter Klaven ing hot Jamie Presley. During Peter’s en-
who has just proposed to his girlfriend deavors to land a man-friend he stops
and has already set the wedding date. It over to play poker with him and his
is a picture perfect situation, except for buddies. When they begin to play a
one small minor detail – this guy has no drinking game, it ends badly and Peter
male friends. All of the co-workers that projectile vomits all over Favreau.
he talks to are females, except for the While a clearly gross out scene, it still
annoying ones. Peter’s fencing partners managed to be exceptionally funny.
never really talk to him, except of I Love You, Man may just be the
course when they curse at his excellent opening for a new genre of bro-mantic
fencing skills. He is just a girlfriend guy comedies. It delivers in laughs for the
with no real guys friends. And that is most part, and allows the audience to
the basis for this movie. Unlike every understand and accept these awkward
other romantic comedy that follows the but loveable goofs.
standard procedure for romance
movies, the sequence of guy meets girl,
guy loses girl, guy wins girl back, this
movie takes that, but replaces the girl
with another guy, and neither of them
are gay. It is what some are calling a
“bromance,” or, the opposite of a chick
flick, a “dick” flick.
While this may sound like the be-
ginning of a beautiful new genre, it is in
actuality just a cop out, but a clever one
at that. Both Sigel’s character Sydney,
and Rudd’s Peter deliver eccentric but
believable performances. Sydney is the
very masculine-ized mid-thirties
slacker with a sweet man-hut (the
garage in which he hangs out in most
often). Meanwhile, Peter is his opposite
as the more sensitive real-estate agent
who just needs a little help from Sydney
to break out of his shell. They do this by
screaming underneath a boardwalk to this made for a good overall experience, making the audience hate him, which
release his man-yell and getting him to it was the small things that got in the was the point, I only ask, why did it have
pose in the tuxes he is trying out for his way. to be this way.
wedding as James Bond, albeit a more Small things such as the awkward- This film did accomplish some very
Irish James Bond as every accent Peter ness of Peter to the odd lingo used by daring things that not many other films
tries on is Irish apparently. the guys of the film, which are unfamil- have covered. The concept of a guy try-
The true greatness of this film was iar to a New Yorker like me, who does- ing to meet another guy in a non-ho-
in the very concise story and plot line. n’t live out in sunny California. I found mosexual scenario is not seen often in
Everything flowed from one point to that by the third time Peter slipped up theaters. The film of course didn’t shy
another with nothing-extraneous left in on his words and gave Sydney a terrible away from some homosexual encoun-
the mix. Even Sydney’s half beagle half nickname, I simply got tired of it. Or ters. Peter’s brother played by Saturday
The Stony Brook Press Opinion 25

The 2009 Kenny Awards:


Representing the Best in Cinema Mediocrity
By Doug Cion &
spite revisiting the plot six times, the roles in Scary Movie and other poorly
film makes for an enjoyable and forget- related comedic performances tries to Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist: The
Najib Aminy table 90 minutes. redeem her acting career by sticking to troubling turmoil accustomed with ro-
the same type of genre and acting style. mantic teenagers who are just a preg-
From the prestigious Academy Awards Pineapple Express: A suitable comedic It is not uncommon to finally learn her nancy away from being the next Juno.
to the notorious Razzies, we at The Press feature with originality. Though there is name.
strongly believe Hollywood and movie a strong likelihood of watching this film Vicky Cristina Barcelona: A complex
critics have deprived mediocre cinematic only once, the movie focuses on the so- Best Mediocre Exeunt in a Feature Film love triangle with a strong cast of ac-
feature films from the recognition they cial issue of drugs and its effect on soci- Marley and Me: The euhthanization of tresses, and directed by Woody Allen.
truly deserve. That it is why we have ety, as well as strengthening Seth Marley towards the end of the movie This movie has average written all over
taken this vacant yet necessary role and Rogen’s role as a comedic savant. was a shocking yet brutal reminder to it.
are honoring the “best” mediocre feature the six to eight million domesticated Sacre Bleu Moment
films of 2008. In honor of our departing The Day the Earth Stood Still: A science pets that euthanized every year. Cloverfield: Jets dropping bombs on
president, the awards will be named The fiction plot questioning the existence of The Happening: Unknown biological mutated sea creature rampaging
Shirley Strum Kenny Awards, or “Ken- humanity over the sanctity of Earth. toxin spreads through air. Those af- through New York City. “Wave to the
nys” for short. Below are the nominees to This feature film is a remake executed fected commit suicide. Man meets camera, Shelly”
this year’s inaugural selection. We en- well with pleasant aesthetics and an in- lawnmower. Lawnmower wins. Movie
courage readers to submit their votes to triguing plot. continues. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the
what movies they feel are the best in
mediocrity to our email at sbpress- Best Mediocre Actor Saw V: The same unthinkable methods
news@gmail.com. Alas, there will be light Steve Carrel Get Smart: Maladroit yet of dying as the previous four films only
shed on the so called forgettable. Enjoy! brilliantly funny, Steve Carrel brings this time it is receiving some recogni-
“Agent Michael Scarn” to the silver tion.
Best Mediocre Feature Film screen. Carrel’s ability to act genuinely
and the nominees are… in a comedic role places him with the 10,000 B.C.: The Wooly Mammoth’s fall;
Quarantine: Very rare is it that a horror top comedic actors in Hollywood, such a lesson of perseverance.
as Kevin James.
Swing Vote: When Bud Johnson (Kevin
Edward Norton in The Incredible Hulk: Costner), a man knowing very little
As the scientist turned giant green vig- about politics, decides the next Presi-
ilante, Norton breaks the mold of his dent of the United States of America. He
previous roles into that of a childhood was not from Florida.
comicbook role. Usually a hit or miss Crystal Skull: When it ended.
with most actors in comic related Best Mediocre Romantic Comedy (Be-
films—see Ben Affleck in Daredevil— cause Romantic Comedy’s Don’t Get Drillbit Taylor: The action scene when
Norton comes out successful, at least Any Awards) the two young protagonists display
compared to other actors. Sex and the City: The compelling story heroic courage in the face of samurai
of three hookers and their mother. weaponry.
Paul Rudd in Role Models: After count- Sounds like a Saturday night!
less side roles in many contemporary Hellboy II: Walking through the market
film makes any sort of nominee for a classic comedy films, Rudd lands a lead 27 Dresses: The old “always a bride’s of fantasy creatures.
prestigious award. However, Quarantine role that makes film fans appreciate a mate, never a bride story,” with a shock-
exhibited a sincere thrill and excitement dry sense of humor at its – well – aver- Rambo: When Rambo was Rambo.
captivating viewers to a “handheld” age.
journey of fear and mystery. An evolved Best Mediocre Actress Best Mediocre Animated Film
Blair Witch, the film ties the realism of Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia!: As ver-
the plot to the contemporary zombie satile as an actress can be, this would Madagascar: Escape to Africa: The re-
character. not be an awards ceremony without turn of a dancing and far too friendly
having nominated her presentable role lion, an urbanized zebra, a sexually
Tropic Thunder: War movies are a prac- in Mamma Mia! Though she will prob- driven hippopotamus, a hypochondriac
tical fit in for any film award. Adhering ably not win out of principle, Streep giraffe, and cunning penguins with an
to consistency, Tropic Thunder is a satir- proves that she can range from a high OK plot makes this a strong favorite.
ical action film with a star-studded cast level of acting to even the most mun-
that produces a satisfactory feature film. dane. Horton Hears a Who: A real touching
Tropic Thunder exhibits its true bril- piece that teaches kids an important les-
liance in making war comical. Frances McDormand in Burn After son at an early age; size doesn’t matter.
Reading: She was the entertaining, ing twist at the end: She gets married!
Vantage Point: To take a 15-minute plot comedic, and semi-impressive actress Space Chimps: Monkeys’ exploring the
and re-tell it six times is a risk. However, some of us know her to be. Who is she The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: new frontier reminds viewers that if
that risk pays off with adequate acting, again? A romantic comedy for the male movie- monkey’s can be astronauts, then so can
a compelling story line, and an unsur- goer, because nothing says romantic like they.
prising and predictable car chase. De- Anna Farris in The House Bunny: The four women and only one pair of
actress who has played far too many pants—ladies?
26 Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Seeing is Believing KIKES imprinted in many memories,

By Alana S. Not only stripping the barely conscious trees to their bare
bark, but
The innocent berated minds of the 21st Century.
Seeing is believing, and opening the appear
The wrong in this world can only be erased
To see the blackened words
By just having something to believe in.
FLINCH words that
Pinch and cringe every time

Send your poems, comics, artwork,


I hear them
RAPE and CRACK
and COKE and POT and E
and all that artsy fartsy stuff to
MURDRE, HATE, sbpressnews@gmail.com and earn the
ROOFIES, exposure your work deserves!
TEENAGED SCUICIDE, DEATH AND DESTRUCTION
And your paper, oh beloved Press,
Has published the best,
The Stony Brook Press 27
28 Opinion Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Make your opinion heard! Write for The Stony Brook Press. Meetings Wednesdays 1pm
Union Building Room 060

Sartre and YHWH: Hell Is Other Deities


With the re- feels that Judaism was destroyed by of the anti-Semite’s disdain are the au- sider a Jew. Well, I’ve always been as-
cent conflict emerg- Christianity, forcing most Jews (once thentic Jews. sumed to be a Jew by most people who
ing from last issue’s again, pre-Israel) to lack a single reli- When I read this, I was struck by meet me. Between my physical charac-
“Pizza Company,” I gious identity. the poignance of Sartre’s words. When teristics, my speech cadence, my inter-
decided to return to Sartre outlines anti-Semitism not as writing, he had no idea that the French est in the humanities, and my over
my bookshelf and an idea, but a choice. He claims that Jews he discussed were currently being reliance on the word “oy,” people auto-
pull out my copy of anti-Semitism arises out of fear from gassed by the trainload in concentration matically assume I’m Jewish. If other
Alex H. Sartre’s Anti-Semite lower-middle class white-collar workers camps throughout Europe and would men consider me to be a Jew, then I
Nagler and Jew. I first read motivated by the fear of social and fi- not return to read his essay. But I guess I am.
this book in the fall nancial change as well as a change of thought first and foremost of what it I was born to a Jewish mother. Ac-
of 2007 in Professor David Allison’s what the truth is. Anti-Semites, to meant for me. For some reason, I had a cording to the Law of Return, I’m Jew-
class PHI 247: Existentialism. Up unto Sartre, view themselves as a superior ish. However, I don’t speak Hebrew, I
this point, I was on the fence as to group and justify their behavior off a was never bar mitzvah’d, and I can
whether or not I actually considered single bad experience and cannot be count the number of times I’ve been to
myself to be Jewish. The son of two convinced otherwise through reason. temple on one hand. I don’t keep
nonreligious parents, I had never had One of the main points of Sartre’s kosher; if anything, I love bacon cheese-
any religion put upon me at a young anti-Semite is that Jews cannot be real burgers too much. I’m not what you’d
age, as they felt my siblings and I would Frenchmen. Sartre wrote on the French, consider to be a good Jew. I’ve deliber-
be best suited to pick our own religious but this message is applicable to all ately avoided getting a Jewish girlfriend,
affiliation, if any, at a later age. However, countries. The anti-Semite sees “Real I follow none of the Law, I find the idea
I had always considered some part of France” as a place where there are no of Moses authoring the Torah to be ab-
me to be Jewish. My father, a Roman Jews, where they are either removed by surd, and Israel has really pissed me off
Catholic by birth but agnostic by choice, peaceful means or exterminated, but in the past year. However, I’m Jewish.
Jean-Paul Sartre is French for BAMF!
joked that I later picked it for the neu- this extermination is justified as doing I’m just a member of some Reform
roses, similar to Jerry Seinfeld’s dentist’s evil in the name of good. Temple I’ve yet to discover.
converting for the jokes. Most importantly, Sartre argues So yes, the Jew is one who others
Sartre starts his discussion with an that if the Jew did not exist, another flashback to the fourth grade. A girl, consider to be a Jew. Sartre helped me
examination as to what the Jew is. He group would be deemed “Jews” to sat- whose name I do recall but will not in- realize that I am, no matter how much I
feels that those of Jewish descent are not isfy the needs of the anti-Semite. “The clude as she most likely doesn’t remem- may like to not believe in God on some
a coercive group as they lack a racial, Jew is one whom other men consider a ber it, is physically dragging me across days and no matter how absurd I think
national, religious and historical iden- Jew: that is a simple truth from which the playground outside of the school. I some of the teachings of the Hebrew
tity. The essay was written before the we must start.” With this statement, am resisting. She, in her rage, calls me a Bible may be, Jewish. Correction: I’m an
creation of the state of Israel, and at this Sartre shows the need of the downtrod- “faggy kike.” I had somehow repressed Agno-Atheo-Jew. Only in Judaism
time there was no solid identity for Jews den individual to find a scapegoat. Jews this painful memory up until this point, could that distinction not only exist, but
to unite themselves behind. Sartre feels who attempt to assimilate prove the but Sartre brought it back. And it stung be applied to so many of its followers.
racially speaking, Jews have adapted stereotype, allowing others predetermi- upon recall just much as it stung the day But much like the name of God itself, I
themselves to so many different cultures nation to force their choice. They, to it was leveled at me. Elementary school am that I am.
that they cannot be considered to be Sartre, are the inauthentic Jews. Those was tough.
one race. Religiously speaking, Sartre who assert their Jewishness in the face The Jew is one whom others con-

Our Earth Hour!


On Saturday ticipate,” said Joe Pouliot, a spokesper- In the last three years, Earth Hour important we tell our world leaders how
Mar. 28, people son for World Wildlife Fund, the or- has grown to be of the largest public we feel.
around the world ganization that created the event. “We’re statements for action on climate change. “This is about making a visual
will be turning off encouraging folks everywhere, in sub- When it first began in 2007, approxi- statement to take action on climate
their lights for one urban, rural and urban areas to get in- mately 2.2 million participated in just change,” Pouliot said.
hour to demand volved.” one city, but by 2008, more than 50 mil- So, whether you turn off the lights
our world leaders The Long Island Sierra Club has lion people in 400 cities around the in a whole building or the one in your
Krystal take action on cli- been sending out emails to its members world took a stand. This year more than dorm room, you’re taking a stand and
DeJesus mate change. and volunteers encouraging them to 1800 cities are expected to go dark. taking action against climate change.
The event, participate. “We’re blowing last year’s numbers
known as Earth Hour, begins at 8:30 “This is just a voluntary thing on out of the water,” Pouliot said. “It’s really
p.m. local time in New Zealand and will our part,” said Ann Aurelio, Vice Chair spreading virally.”
travel to each time zone throughout the of the club. “We turn off our lights for Many homes on Long Island will go
night. In the US, more than 100 cities an hour, thereby saving tons of green- dark on Saturday, but in New York City,
have signed up, including Chicago, Los house gases by cutting our electric use famous monuments such as the United
Angeles, Miami, Nashville and New even for an hour.” Nations headquarters, Broadway, the
York City. But lights switches will be Local schools, such as the Chrysler and Empire State Buildings
flicked off in every region of the coun- Ronkonkoma Middle School, Lido and even the Coca-Cola billboard in
try from the rural areas out west to the Beach High School and Lawrence Times Square will turn off.
suburbs of Long Island. Woodmere Academy will also be going There are many serious problems
“What’s great about Earth Hour is dark on Saturday, according to the facing our world but climate change is
that it’s possible for everybody to par- Earth Hour website. one issue that cannot be ignored, and it’s
Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, March 25, 2009 Opinion 29

News Literacy Conference...zzzzzzzz


What do you and interested? (How meta!) Alexandra arises when viewers take Stewart’s satire sumer’s impatience in a technological
get when you gather Wallace, the senior vice president of for a real newscast, when it is really just society. Said Heyward, “The mouse is a
five world-famous NBC News said, “I actually think that pieces of the day spliced together, aim- remote control on steroids.” Vivian
journalists around a there’s a real yearning for hard news ing for a laugh. Schiller, president and CEO of NPR, ac-
table for a panel dis- right now,” but added, “You have to But, said Koppel, “Problem is, full cused many news consumers of
cussion on the state make it more interesting and appeal- newscasts aren’t full newscasts! We’re a “promiscuity,” saying that brand loyalty
of the journalism ing.” For who? The younger audiences business just like any other business – to one’s news station is a thing of the
Caitlin industry today? – the 18-35 crowd, who advertisers tar- but we’re not. The news is there to in- past. And radio? “I think it’s actually the
Ferrell I don’t know. I most resilient,” she said.
fell asleep halfway Neil Budde, the president and
through. CPO of DailyMe.com, wondered
OK. Maybe that was a bit harsh. over transparency, meaning, the
But, really—Ted Koppel was there! honesty and integrity of the news.
How could it be boring? You’d think Budde wondered aloud why there
some sparks would fly, right? isn’t more transparency in the
Wrong. news and why a viewer should
News Literacy: Setting a National have to question the journalist’s
Agenda was held in the Wang Center on motives. “Why can’t we have more
March 12th at 1:30p.m. It was part of a of that built into the coverage and
week-long series, all focused on news the way we report it?” he asked.
literacy in the age of technology. “Let’s stop forcing people to de-
All the journalism majors should construct our stories.”
nod at what I just said. For those of you Heyward was a smart moder-
who don’t know, technology has ator to let the panel end on Ted
wreaked some serious havoc on the Koppel’s voice: “It’s not good, it’s
journalism industry, from youngsters not bad,” Koppel said of the state
thinking they’re journalists because of journalism today. (I guess he
they post on YouTube, or the Internet’s wasn’t listening to anyone else
flood of information, most of it untrue, during the panel). Koppel added
or the serious decline of print journal- some praise to the Dean of Stony
ism, or the confusion between opinion Brook’s School of Journalism,
and objectivity… Howard Schneider, saying, “I hope
The conversation could have been we can live up to your brilliance.”
serious. The journalists could have I’m not saying the discussion
brought their first-hand experience and wasn’t interesting. It just wasn’t
problem solving ideas to the table. riveting. While it was a treat to
What the audience got were the same hear Ted Koppel reminisce about
ideas that we heard back in News Liter- the time he was visiting a prison
acy. and an inmate said to him, “I bet
The discussion started off well get most. form the public.” He continued, “We you’ve got all the grass you can smoke!”
enough, with Andrew Heyward, the Which brings us to Jon Stewart. have to be substantive; it’s not enough the rest of it was dull, bland, and all the
former president of CBS News, taking a Andrew Heyward praised Stewart seri- to say we’re getting an audience.” A golf other adjectives.
jab at Stony Brook’s stingy set decora- ously as “solid, in a journalistic sense,” clap rose in the audience and, at Hey- All the bullet points the journalists
tion – “The lighting in here was just and a verifiable source. (No, he really ward’s urging, became a full-on set of offered would sound familiar to anyone
flown in from Guantanamo, we can’t did.) applause. (Of course, the audience who took News Literacy. So, bravo,
see you very well,” he said to the audi- Enter Ted Koppel, stage right: “First would applaud Koppel if he endorsed Stony Brook J-school, for teaching your
ence. Nice one, Heyward! But that’ll do of all, I’m a huge fan of Jon Stewart.” McCain, after hearing his deep, smooth students so well that, when presented
– after all, you’re only the moderator. That’s right. Stewart and Koppel are voice in-person.) with a panel of jaw-dropping celebri-
After sharing a few anecdotes, the buds. “I think Jon Stewart is to news Moving on. ties…we just yawn.
conversation turned to ratings, mainly, what a great editorial cartoon is.” The journalists pondered over
how do they keep viewers entertained The problem, the table agreed, brand loyalty; namely, the news con-
30 Vol. XXX, Issue 11 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Sports
A Frosh Start to Lacrosse, eh?
minster, British Columbia). lumbia) have taken quickly to collegiate top players, these stats may mean little
By Najib Aminy McBride, who was recently named
America East co-player of the week,
lacrosse and are among some of the
shining starts of the team. The two
on the field or even on paper, however
these young players are what is unique
leads the team with 23 goals and 27 combine for roughly 20 percent of the about this SBU team.
When the Men’s Lacrosse team lost points. Crowley comes second to his team’s total goals and more importantly Since beating Lehigh, Stony Brook
to the number one ranked Virginia Canadian neighbor with 9 goals and 10 assists. went on to win against Siena, 8-7. It was
Cavaliers 20-10, Coach Rick Sowell was assists, totaling 19 points. Granted there Sophomore Timmy Trenkle (Com- the freshman Campbell who scored the
not too worried. game winning shot with only a minute
“As I told them in the locker room, left on the clock. Coming off two wins
it’s a long season,” Sowell said during a now, the Seawolves faced off against
press conference after the loss. Delaware, a university with a strong
“Whether we won or lost, win lose or lacrosse program. Going into two over-
draw. I think we are going to be fine.” times, both Trenkle and McBride
Looking to move on, Sowell and the recorded hat tricks. Stony Brook won
team focused on their next game 10-9.
against Harvard. Before losing to Denver 17-12 on
The Seawolves went on to lose March 17, the Seawolves won their
against Harvard University’s Crimson fourth game of the season against
12-4. Lafayette, 12-9, due to a successful first
It was not until the young team of quarter. Though the loss against Denver
Seawolves defeated Lehigh University has halted the Seawolves’ streak, the
16-6 that they regained their confidence team has not let their inexperience af-
and composure. But what is most sig- fect them.
nificant about the start to season is the The Seawolves (4-3) will open their
inexperience of the team. conference play against #8 University of
Najib Aminy
As Coach Sowell pointed out that in Maryland in Baltimore County (5-2)
the game against Virginia, many starters “Whereʼs my money, man?” this Saturday, Mar. 28 at LaValle Sta-
had either graduated or transferred, dium at 2:30 p.m.
which left many freshman and sopho- is help from junior midfielder Tom mack, N.Y.) rounds out the team’s core Additionally, students, faculty and
mores, as well as some upperclassman, Compitello (Hauppauge, N.Y.), who, of strong shooters and team contribu- fans can watch ninth-seated Duke Uni-
the first bit of playing time on the field. despite being red-shirted last year, tors recording 12 points and 9 goals. versity compete against Dartmouth
There are twice as many under- played six games as a freshman and has Defensively, junior Steven Waldeck University in the annual Lacrosse for
classmen on the team’s roster then up- become one of the team’s leaders in (Levittown, N.Y) leads the team with 42 Autism Event at noon.
perclassman, with only two seniors on points. ground balls. Backing up Waldeck are Lacrosse for Autism is an event to
the team. Despite this very young team, It is the Canadian youth who are sophomores Crowley and midfielder bring autism awareness to the Long Is-
much of the team’s success rides on helping SBU make the best of its season Adam Rand (Niantic, Conn.), who have land lacrosse community and involves
sophomore midfielder Kevin Crowley so far. Freshman midfielder Robbie recorded 23 and 28 ground balls re- Stony Brook Athletics, Lacrosse Unlim-

Softball Wins! Softball Wins!


(New Westminster, British Columbia) Campbell (Delta, British Columbia) and spectively. ited and the Cody Center for Autism
and attack Jordan McBride (New West- attack Kyle Belton (Langley, British Co- In this little run down of the team’s and Developmental Disabilities.

swinging and balls flying. Both senior runs scored in that inning. Fleury led After losing three consecutive
By Najib Aminy first baseman Marrisa Fleury (Ma- the team with the team with three RBIs
and a .667 batting average for the game.
games to Eastern Michigan University,
Towson University and Harvard Uni-
Leaving off from the first game, the vesity, respectively, the Seawolves have
The Stony Brook University softball Seawolves continued where they left off rebounded and won every game since
team is off to an explosive start, winning in the second game of the double early March. They have gone on to win
their10th consecutive game improving header. With Struzenberg resting after their self-hosted Stony Brook Invita-
their record to 14-3. The team’s latest five flawless innings, sophomore tional. The Seawolves are scheduled to
wins come from a double-shutout Colleen Matthes (Severn, Md.) took the open their American East conference
against Rhode Island on Mar. 24. mound and pitched a shut-out and to play facing off against Binghamton at
Rhode Island College’s Anchor- continue SBU’s winning streak. Matthes home with a double header this Satur-
women were tied down by the superior recorded five strikes retiring the last day starting at noon and a following
play of the lady Seawolves. A mercy rule nine batters to end the game. game on Sunday at noon.
ended the first game, when SBU scored Senior second baseman Molly Though no conference play has
Nice. Nice.
10 runs by the fifth inning. Junior start- Kestranek (St. Mary’s, Geo.) led the started, the Seawolves currently have
ing pitcher Alyssa Struzenberg (Cooper team with three RBIs, two hits and one. the highest winning percentage of the
City, Fla.) gave up only one hit and However, the rest of team played just as eight teams in the league. Binghamton
struck out seven batters. hopac, N.Y.) and junior shortstop Vicki well, working their way to a historic is 2-11.
It wasn’t until the third inning that Kavitsky (Cherry Hill, N.J.) hit two start and defending their crown as the
the Seawolves came out with bats homeruns, contributing to the seven reigning America East champions.
The Stony Brook Press 31
Sports
Are You Ready for Some... Intramurals?
“I found the intramural softball Games are otherwise at 5 pm or 6 a challenge. But then again, winning
By Jason Wirchin season to be a good balance between
school and work,” Jason Shank, a senior
pm
The installation of light towers on
has its rewards.
“My most memorable moment had
on Dreisini softball, said. “I also got to the fields across from the train station to be last year when we won the cham-
Sayonara, snowy afternoons! meet some pretty cool people, as well.” clears the way for night contests for pionship on a 2-out, last-inning hit,”
Bon voyage, bitter wind chills! All teams, regardless of sport, were softball and soccer, but poses quite the said Parker Ince, a senior then on Oh
This week, Stony Brook’s Depart- required to have a $40 forfeit fee on obstacle for outfielders chasing long fly My God I Hope We Don’t Forfeit.
ment of Campus Recreation kicks off its record with Campus Recreation by last balls. After Shank’s squad lost to the Eu-
springtime intramural season, giving Tuesday’s roster registration deadline, And this isn’t the softball program’s rostars in the playoffs last year, he’s look-
students the opportunity to leave their which they will lose in the event that only perceived problem. ing forward to starting anew and
miserable dorm rooms for some long- too few players arrive for a game. Shank mouthed off, “I really didn’t making a title run in 2009.
awaited outdoor activities. To best avoid this problem, Campus like how Campus Rec had a whole team “I’m just excited to get back out
After a dreary winter lull, softball, Recreation planned games around stu- to themselves, even though they had a there, nothing really to improve, just
soccer, four-on-four volleyball and ex- dents’ conflicting schedules, and a new right to. It just took away from the game keep it consistent,” he said.
treme dodgeball leagues return to the 7 pm time slot allows for games after because it was like playing an all-star

Fight Club(s) - Capoeira


University, each one featuring a recre- most students have finished classes for team.”
ational and competitive division. the day. Some certainly find the games to be

to take part. There are practice drills, in awkward, since you have to be con- and-counter martial art.” The only
By Eric DiGiovanni which everyone lines up and practices
moves. No big deal, right? What I did-
stantly moving as well as staying in
time. Imagine fighting someone while
downside is that this constant move-
ment made it hard to get any good ac-
n’t know was how much terminology playing Dance Dance Revolution. The tion shots to accompany this article.
Style: Capoeira and Portuguese language is used. It got crouching motions and the “ginga” re- The rules of engagement are pretty
When It Meets: Thursday and Friday quite confusing for me and the other ally work the legs. simple, when two people are in the mid-
7:00-9:00 P.M. two greenhorns in class that day. For Then, we all gathered around in a dle of a “fight,” another person can wave
Where It Meets: On Thursdays: Union example, this was an actual command: circle (or “roda”). Jao and another long- their hands in one of the combatants’
Basement Bi-level, On Fridays: Indoor “We’re going to go from ginga, down time student started playing instru- faces, essentially challenging them.
Sports Complex Dance Studio into cocorinha, then gancho and come ments (a tambourine and what looked Then they will go at it for a bit, and con-
Who’s Known for It: Most Brazilian tinue on like that. My first time in the
Mixed Martial Arts Fighters, Wesley circle, I spent most of the time thinking,
Snipes, Eddie Gordo from Tekken, “Wait, how does that rocking thing go
Blanka from Street Fighter series again?” and the rest of the time crouch-
ing down to avoid a kick and thinking
The main problem with clubs on “Wait, I forgot how to duck the right
campus is that many are poorly organ- way!” What I wound up doing was
ized. As I learned with the Brazilian Ju- making that ginga motion, and then
jitsu (BJJ) club (see the Mar. 11 edition just kicking my opponent like I was
of The Press, “True Believers!”) clubs sparring in Tae Kwon Do. It was hard to
fade in and out and the university’s get into the proper mindset since usu-
clubs website does not update as often ally I’m wired for “Hit him already!” It
as it should. You find a club you want to looked like everyone was kind of off
join, and it doesn’t exist anymore. So that day anyways, so the effects of my
most of the time, you find out about ineptitude were diluted.
clubs either through word-of-mouth or, There are plenty of reasons to join.
as I did, through the Capoeira group
“Come join us in the Dance of Death!”
Some took it up to learn a new martial
flyers. art, like a guy who only wanted me to
This edition of “Fight Club(s)” call him Macaco (Portuguese for “Mon-
takes me back to Brazil (I smell con- back.” In English, this means, “Rock like a giant bow and arrow) and the key”). Some come for the workout, and
spiracy) for the unique art of capoeira. back and forth, then crouch down low “fighting” began. I’m sorry to disap- some come for the good times. What’s
The current head of the club, Bernard to the side and then hook kick.” Was point, but I don’t have a Gonzo-noir tale deceptive about the club is that it fo-
Santos Jao, nicknamed “Samurai” by his that so hard? Then again, Jao claims, about all-out brawls, killer instinct and cuses on performance and community,
old teacher, indulged me in the style’s “We not only teach martial arts, but cul- beautiful dames (although they were rather than combat. If you are thinking
history: “It was originally done by slaves ture as well.” there) like last time. The fighting was of joining, remember that it’s hard to
to practice martial arts. It looked like a I was partnered up with a girl who pretty fun. Everyone else was just pick up, and the dirty, tiled floors of the
game or dance so nobody caught on. was also new, so our moves were little singing and clapping and enjoying Union Bi-Level will take some getting
They had to continue doing it until more than basic movement and kicks. I themselves, and nobody was trying to used to. Other than that, it definitely
[slavery was abolished in Brazil in the] found my experience in Tae Kwon Do make contact. They were just trying to earns my recommendation.
1800s” After seeing it in action, I un- (4 years, black belt) helped me out. Un- do something that would make the Fun fact I learned: Did you know
derstood. In capoeira, there is no set like BJJ, capoeira and Tae Kwon Do are other guy move out of the way. Jao ex- that the “Zoom, Zoom, Zoom” song is a
“fighting stance.” You’re constantly both striking arts, so being able to bal- plained this phenomenon best: traditional capoeira song? Translated
moving, making it look like a dance. ance yourself on one leg is necessary. It “[Capoiera] isn’t based on forms, it’s literally, it means, “Run, run, run,
After warm-ups, I was finally able felt familiar, but at the same time, really based on fluid movement. It’s an evade- capoeira’s killed another one.”
Death Egg Zone