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......................................................................................................................................92 Reco.............................................................................6 !pologi3e 'or What is the $erson%s Real 2oncern...................................9" Re'erences..........................................................................................." !voi# &usti'ications !n# ()cuses.....5 0e 2lear What ou%re !pologi3ing For..........................ever !pologi3e Too Soon or 4uick................................................en#e# Resources...................2 Stop Stressing Over Whose Fault It Is..........* +on%t ............................................................1 ..................................................................2 Take Responsibility For our !ctions..................................................................itpick Who%s Right !n# Who%s Wrong......." !cknowle#ge The Other $erson%s Feelings..7 $oints To Re......................................................................................................................e.......................................Show So............................1 2o....................e /ulnerability.................7 +on%t ()pect 2o..ber When 8iving !n !pology...................................plete Forgiveness..........................................it To 2hange..9* ............ to 0e Receive# Instea# o' !ccepte#.........Table of Contents How to Reset a Relationship with This Secret Technique.........!i.............................

apolo"i+in" doesn!t work when it!s done for the wron" reasons.com . and once we can understand how little apolo"ies and for"iveness have to do with each other. You will have heard of the technique. we!ve "ot no reason to e1pect this. but you will not know how to use the technique.” – MIGNON MCLAUGHLIN Think about it. we!ve learned to connect apolo"ies with for"iveness. The technique !m referrin" to that can reset a relationship you broke is called an apolo"y. *e!re led to believe that if we make a mistake but apolo"i+e for it later. . but &'T if it!s done in the way that most of us do and have been doin" apolo"ies all of our lives. but this is not the route to take if we hope to actually repair the dama"e that has been done. “ !m sorry. “True remorse is never just a regret over consequence. the sooner we e1perience apolo"ies that work. -ince a youn" a"e. you ask$ #an it do anythin" at all to repair what!s broken$ %s a matter of fact. anointin" or supportin" the addressee!s 5face! 6)offman 1789:.olmes.owever.” when we!ve done somethin" wron". most of us come across as if they are.Relationship Resetter 1 The “secret” technique to reset any relationship is one that has saved millions of broken relationships. yes it can. and thou"h our reasons aren!t always wron". (very wonder why. /urthermore. it is a regret over motive. enhancin".” *hile compliments focus on the addressee!s 0ait(10ack. *e acknowled"e fault and hope for absolution. everythin" will be okay. a professor at 3ictoria 4niversity. 0ut truthfully. apolo"ies have been somethin" that we say to "et ourselves back into "ood "races. f we put ourselves our there and apolo"i+e. apolo"ies can seem so insincere$ )rowin" up we!re tau"ht to say. “%polo"ies. we fi"ure we deserve for"iveness. like compliments are primarily aimed at maintainin". #an an apolo"y turn back time. %ccordin" to 2anet .

*e all perform hundreds of tiny actions each day that drive the responses and counteractions of our si"nificant other. 17<<a:.ave you been distracted$ Areoccupied$ %""ravated$ #hances are you two have been playin" off of each other!s actions for some time. How to Reset a Relationship with This Secret Technique *hat!s the recipe for an effective apolo"y$ There is a specific approach to apolo"i+in" that if adopted will help you.Relationship Resetter . 0y apolo"i+in" you mi"ht even improve the other person!s health@ % study in Asycholo"ical -cience called )rantin" /or"iveness or . the sooner you!ll find your apolo"ies actually remedyin" their respective situations. and it started an ar"ument.com .:. it!s up to you to apolo"i+e for your 0ait(10ack. and you!ve both allowed your paths to diver"e B meanin" it!s not so easy to isolate fault.olmes 17<9. discovered that people who think about for"ivin" an offender had better functionin" cardiovascular and nervous systems. you for"ot to mail the car payment out. positive face wants 6. apolo"ies "enerally aim at face=redress associated with face=threatenin" acts. f for e1ample. The researchers also found that clinchin" a "rud"e boosted heart rates and blood pressure. Aerhaps you were cheated on. but help the health of those around you and your relationship health by apolo"i+in".arborin" )rud"es . a late fee "ot tacked onto your ne1t payment. (veryday life is full of too many circumstances to narrow anythin" down to a fi1ed cause.ave you been a little less attentive$ . #an you see any way in which your small trans"ressions mi"ht have contributed. Stop Stressing Over Whose Fault It Is /ault is of no importance durin" an apolo"y. /ault is not the obCect of an apolo"y. You can!t drop the treadmill workout yet. The "ood news is that it!s also not necessary. and can be re"arded as ne"ative politeness strate"ies 60rown and >evinson 179<? 17. in even the subtlest way to your spouse!s motivation to do so$ . “rewind time” and essentially “clean the slate” between you and your si"nificant other. and the sooner you can "rasp this.

(ven if you!re not at fault for bad thin"s in your life. n fact. started a conversation or dismissed an anniversary. you are acknowled"in" the role you played in the problem and takin" responsibility for the consequences that evolved from it. Acknowledge The Other Person’s Feelings The first thin" you need to do is acknowled"e the other person!s feelin"s. make the effort to e1plore the other person!s feelin"s. you!re responsible. there were actions you were responsible for that resulted in a late payment.com . “Let everyone sweep in front of his own door. *hen you apolo"i+e. %n apolo"y is your effort to communicate the re"ret you have for whatever it was that you did or didn!t do. 0ein" responsible in everyday situations prepares you for the responsibilities in healin" a broken relationship. . Take Responsibility For Your Actions The point of an apolo"y is to accept responsibility for your own trans"ressions. %cknowled"in" this defeats victimi+ation and empowers you to create a life you want. Try to fi"ure out why he or 0ait(10ack.” “You must!ve put the bill in a different place this month because never saw it. Your e1 is bein" a Cerk$ Y'4 chose to be with your e1. %void sayin" thin"s like these? “You should!ve reminded me. averted a conversation. /ind yourself blamin" the youn" "irl for burnin" your coffee$ Y'4 choose to order the coffee from that cafe.Relationship Resetter D oversi"ht. and the whole world would be clean. that is not the point. The point is within this whole situation. f you "ot home late. (ven if these thin"s are true.ate how your computer keeps crashin"$ Y'4 decided to work on that computer.” – JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE You!re responsible for a lot of what happens to you.” These e1amples focus on blame and brush off all responsibility for the trans"ression.” “ thou"ht you said it wasn!t due until ne1t week. you are responsible and accountable for that action.

*hen you accept your partner has an entirely different e1perience. you cleanse yourself of preconceptions surroundin" the dispute and then seek to understand his or her e1perience of the situation. Aeople are instinctively e"ocentric and thorou"hly enCoy and need others to understand their perspectives. you haven!t actually “taken responsibility” for the fact you were home late. but not very sorry about what caused that an"er. This results in more contention and a sense of resentment.” (n"el says. 0everly (n"el. You!re concerned with bein" in the wron".” This is a "reat way of sayin" that your partner is an"ry. you haven!t considered how your partner sees this situation. *hat!s more. This is what we do most of the time. one person “proCects” his or her feelin" onto the other.” -tay away from apolo"ies like this one? “ apolo"i+e for whatever did to make you an"ry. *hen someone else shows an interest. *e take our own feelin"s and assume the other as havin" the same or similar e1perience.com . it!s not only refreshin". so you “blame” your lateness on an event that is seemin"ly out of your control. % better approach to addressin" your si"nificant other? 0ait(10ack. which opens the door to an honest and healin" conversation.” n this e1ample. Fost often in an ar"ument or dispute. “ t lets the other person know that we aren!t "oin" to harm them a"ain. you!ve Cust Custified your trans"ression. Avoid Justifications And Excuses *hat not to say? “ !m sorry !m home late. but had a lot of work to do at the office.Relationship Resetter E she feels the way he or she does. a psychotherapist in >os 'sos. #alifornia and author of The Aower of %polo"y? . n other words. it!s a critical first step in mendin" a point of contention. “%polo"y disarms us.ealin" -teps to Transform %ll Your Relationships . says “%polo"y helps the other person trust you a"ain and not see you as a threat.

” n this case. Show Some Vulnerability -omewhere alon" the way apolo"ies have come to be associated with weakness. t!s not whether the actions or decisions are ri"ht or wron". we!ve taken a bi" step en route to the reparation of these mistakes. 4ltimately. To admit this is to admit vulnerability.Relationship Resetter G “ !m sorry !m home late. this feels far too vulnerable. you!ve acknowled"ed the specific feelin"s your partner is e1periencin". These reasons make sense to each of you. the answer is no. !m tryin" to prevent this from happenin" a"ain. *e all make mistakes. the conclusion of who is ri"ht and who is wron" has no bearin" on the effectiveness of an apolo"y. t!s embarrassin" to be wron" and to be cau"ht in the wron". f we admit our "uilt in a situation. and for some. and we will have to pay for our mistakes. The fact that you!re makin" a conscious effort to understand your partner!s perspective will make a bi" impact on him or her and help reconcile the broken relationship.com . we have come to believe that that event can be used a"ainst us. % stron" person has no trouble bein" vulnerable when the situation calls 0ait(10ack. *e were wron". % weak person can!t stand to be vulnerable because he or she is not stron" enou"h to do so while maintainin" a sense of self=respect. “To apolo"i+e is to set aside our pride lon" enou"h to admit our imperfections. f we are honest about our responsibility for them and are sincere about our feelin"s in re"ard to them. %sk yourself this? does it matter$ s it important to the relationship to determine who was ri"ht and who was wron"$ n most cases.” says (n"el. *hile it!s interestin" and healthy to e1plore the other!s reasonin" and to try to understand his or her point of view. you each have the reasons that made you behave in a specific way. The truth is that it takes a bi" person to step up and admit fault for somethin". and you!re vowin" to take action so this doesn!t happen a"ain. They Cust are. know it!s disrespectful and unfair to you when don!t make it home on time. and vulnerability is different than weakness. Don’t Nitpick Who’s Right And Who’s Wrong 'ne of the bi" pitfalls of an apolo"y is when too much emphasis is placed on ri"ht and wron".

Therefore. and react to your apolo"y. the apolo"i+er has taken no responsibility for bein" involved in creatin" that sentiment. 0ein" in a state of vulnerability means that you are e1posin" yourself to the possibility of "ettin" hurt. t!s a chance to display even more stren"th because the stakes are hi"her. #onsider the two apolo"ies below.com . n turn. Aim to Be Received Instead of Accepted *hen apolo"i+in". Those who are weak or who are not ready to accept responsibility for the part they played in a situation tend to apolo"i+e weakly. The ball is your apolo"y.” “ !m sorry that let you down by not callin". respond. it is only natural that the offended doesn!t feel any better. see now how much that hurt you. f you!re not truly interested in doin" somethin" to prevent the situation from happenin" a"ain. you!re lookin" for a receiver.” The first e1ample is an"led in such a way that it places responsibility with the offended party because he or she was “hurt. You want your tar"et to receive the ball.e or she wasn!t appropriately apolo"i+ed to. The speaker is not in any way sayin" that he or she is sorry for doin" the thin" that caused the “hurt. -tron" people don!t hide from this. 0ait(10ack. Think like a football quarterback for a second.” The feelin" of bein" hurt has nothin" to do with the apolo"i+er. Commit To Change %n apolo"y is useless if there is not an intention to chan"e behind it. The "oal you need to carry with you when you approach your partner is for him or her to actually hear. you are not truly interested in apolo"i+in". “ !m sorry hurt you. You are not throwin" the ball at an une1pected tar"et hopin" he or she will “accept” the ball. *hen you!re passin" the ball. you want an apolo"y R(#( 3(H rather than %##(AT(H.” The speaker is sorry that he or she “hurt” the other party. someone to catch the ball that you throw specifically to him or her.Relationship Resetter 8 for it. . *hat they do with it from there is that person!s decision.

&othin" is less sincere. Never Apologize Too Soon or Quick (specially when the reason for your apolo"y is a compellin" one.ad 2oe considered them after the first incident and actually intended to chan"e.” “-he!s "oin" to pay me back in a few days. . *hat are some of the thin"s that 2oe did wron"$ • • • . “ !m sorry didn!t consult you before loaned -ally money. .e didn!t e1plore Felissa!s feelin"s. % quick apolo"y is nothin" more than a deflection.” “ t wasn!t that much money.e didn!t make the effort to chan"e. . they mi"ht have been able to come to a peaceful decision. . such as an affair.e mi"ht want to say thin"s like? “ knew you wouldn!t approve.e didn!t try to understand the reasons Felissa has for bein" ti"ht with money.” and then 2oe fails to consult Felissa a"ain ne1t month when another friend needs money. “ !m sorry. . . 0y sayin" that -ally was "oin" to pay the money back in a few days. it wouldn!t be 2oe!s fault if she didn!t. f 2oe says. but don!t know what came over me. f he made the effort to see where her concerns lied.e Custified his actions.Relationship Resetter 9 >et!s say 2oe!s partner. he wouldn!t be in this predicament a"ain.” 0ait(10ack. some of 2oe!s reasons for "oin" throu"h with lendin" the money mi"ht actually have been very "ood and mi"ht have made sense to Felissa. deflectin" the fault off of himself and onto outside circumstances.” Felissa isn!t "oin" to be very receptive to any of these answers because her feelin"s aren!t bein" considered. Felissa is very strict with their Coint finances.e pushed that responsibility off himself when he used it as a Custification. n fact.com . t!s the reali+ation that you!re in the wron" and an instinctive reaction to pretend it didn!t happen. his apolo"y was meanin"less.

” These are panic apolo"ies. That is somethin" that you have to own. Be Clear What You’re Apologizing For t!s important when apolo"i+in" to make sure the other person knows why you!re apolo"i+in". “ want to apolo"i+e because really care about this relationship. %polo"ies aren!t passive claims said as a form of payment for a deed done wron".” *hen you have a "ood reason for apolo"i+in". t won!t happen a"ain. They are the instinctual. t!s important that you iterate your reason for an apolo"y because if you don!t. You!re apolo"i+in" to admit Y'4R responsibility because you have a reason to remedy the situation. *hen you approach an apolo"y from this mindset. 'ur relationship is important to me. you!ll see that it!s taken with more than a "rain of salt. and you!re sorry for all of the ne"ative consequences that precipitated. and are tryin" to wipe that "uilt off of us as quickly as possible. reactive responses that come to us immediately when we!re committin" a wron" a"ainst our partner.” “ t!s not what you think. it!s possible that your partner will assume you don!t have a reason and that the reason is to appease the offended. %polo"ies are assertive statements in which you “own” the actions you did and the words you said. That means you!ve "iven these thou"ht and considered how your actions hurt the other person. *e feel "uilty. Remember you have a stake in the apolo"y.com .” “ t didn!t mean anythin". the other person is "oin" to be certain to listen. % successful apolo"y is one in which you!re thorou"hly aware the “thin"” happened. you are skippin" the step of understandin" your partner!s feelin"s. 0ait(10ack.Relationship Resetter < “ !m sorry. and !m sorry that did somethin" to Ceopardi+e it. and are apolo"i+in" simply to achieve for"iveness. You can!t dismiss the fact that you were wron". *hen you offer an apolo"y too quickly.

” You mi"ht assume that the trans"ression that has come between the two of you is somethin" unfor"iveable. and say it simply and clearly B “ apolo"i+e. “ !m sorry for sleepin" with %le1. f you!re of the mentality that you deserve complete for"iveness.” Don’t Expect Complete Forgiveness To e1pect and especially demand complete for"iveness is absolutely unrealistic. but these are wron"s that seem much less for"ivable and so more difficult to apolo"i+e for. consider this e1ample. you risk seemin" blind to the actual problem or else you!re seen as tryin" to distort the issue at hand.” You *%&T to B "reat. never mistake the followin" as an apolo"y. Hespite whether your actions are “for"ivable” or not. n the case of cheatin". Your partner mi"ht be more hurt that he or she was lied to or deceived. so prove it and do it@ /ilter that “want” out of your apolo"y. f you!re lookin" to repair a relationship. it!s also imperative that you don!t apolo"i+e for what you find “for"ivable.com . “ want to lose wei"ht. you!re approachin" apolo"y from the wron" direction or as if you e1pect it to wipe away your 0ait(10ack.” t!s "reat that you!re sorry for sleepin" with someone else. but ask yourself if this is the real source of your partner!s discontent$ You mi"ht be more comfortable apolo"i+in" for this action because it!s more for"ivable than what you fear your partner is really upset about. and therefore apolo"i+e for somethin" related but a little different than what the offended person e1perienced as the “actual” offense. “ want to apolo"i+e.” This is about the same as sayin". apolo"i+e for what they are. *hen you sidestep the bi""er issue.Relationship Resetter 7 Apologize for What is the Person’s Real Concern #ontinuin" alon" these same lines.

The way to enter any apolo"y is with no e1pectations. you then have a chance to prevent yourself from doin" those actions a"ain. you!ll often be surprised by the other!s reaction. "enerosity. “let!s pretend this never happened. Hon!t make the mistake of thinkin" that it is. f you follow the advice listed here. (n"el says. t means "ettin" an honest “second chance”. The other person mi"ht for"ive you and mi"ht not. “ didn!t mean it.” *ipin" the slate clean is not a. %aron >a+are. "et them to hear what you 0ait(10ack. communicate to your partner that you made a mistake. t doesn!t matter if you meant it B you did it. This is where apolo"y comes in.” t!s more of an “ reali+e this hurt you.com . most people need to "ain some empathy and compassion for the wron"doer. but when he or she sees that you care. n other words. the rewards of an effective apolo"y can only be earned. author of 'n %polo"ies says of the apolo"y. *hether the person for"ives you or not is not up to you.” is a common statement made as part of an apolo"y. coura"e and sacrifice. *hen wron"doers apolo"i+e.” The "oal is to admit your part in the situation. and intend to make thin"s ri"ht. “Rewindin" time” or "ettin" back to a “clean slate” does not mean acquirin" complete for"iveness. you!re ten times more likely to catch your partner!s attention. we find it easier to for"ive them. t!s then up to your partner to for"ive you or not. it is a lot easier to view him or her in a compassionate way. he or she will be more able to understand how you could!ve been compelled to act in the way you chose.Relationship Resetter 1I fault in the matter. *hen someone apolo"i+es. “To for"ive.” %bolish all of your preconceived notions of what an apolo"y is and what it!s always been to you. don!t want this to happen a"ain. “To undertake them requires honesty. commitment. 'nce you “own” your actions and apolo"i+e for them. &o one said apolo"i+in" was easy. but your "oal isn!t to solicit this for"iveness. You!ll find that when you enter into an apolo"y without e1pectations. Your partner knows you!re not perfect. humility. t!s to e1press your sincere re"ret for the effects of your actions. Your "oal in an apolo"y is to show your partner that you reco"ni+e your actions had an unappreciated effect on him or her and that you!re sorry for this. They cannot be stolen.

Relationship Resetter 11 have to say. and reset the broken relationship. 0ait(10ack.com .

Relationship Resetter 1.com . Points To Remember When Giving An Apology 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) 9) 10) 11) 12) 13) 14) 0e responsible for your actions Refrain blamin" the other person Hon!t dwell on who is at fault %cknowled"e the other person!s feelin"s Hon!t make Custifications or e1cuses for your actions Remember that it!s not about who!s ri"ht and who!s wron" 0e like water non=resistant to other person!s opinions and feelin"s %llow yourself to be vulnerable and humble %im to have your apolo"y received instead of accepted Takes steps to remedy the situation to prevent recurrence Take your time to make a sincere apolo"y 0e clear what you!re apolo"i+in" for %polo"i+e for what is the person!s real concern Hon!t e1pect for"iveness and you!ll probably "et it 0ait(10ack.

*ithout this. friends. and anyone because of "uilt and shame.Relationship Resetter 1D Recommended Resources 1) % well=made and funny video with some e1tra tips on how you can "ive a "reat apolo"y. you!ll criticise yourself and possibly destroy your future relationships with family. Read about how you can stop beatin" yourself up and start for"ivin" yourself by clickin" here. 2) There!s one more thin" you need to learn about that briefly mentioned? self=for"iveness. *atch it. 0ait(10ack.com .

?119=. 1789.LD >a+are.ealth.com . (.Relationship Resetter 1E References 0rown. >udwi" T(. 2. -in"apore? -(%F(' Re"ional >an"ua"e #entre . 17<9. >evinson. A.” Asycholo"y Today.! 2ournal of Ara"matics 1.II1. &ew York .olmes. %ntholo"y -eries 17.:? Juestions and Aoliteness. nteraction Ritual. and . Ahysiolo"y. K>. “The Aower of %polo"y.IIE.:? #ommunication and >earnin" in the #lassroom #ommunity. &. Asycholo"ical -cience. )rantin" /or"iveness or .II1 )offman. 0everly. p. 1. 5Aayin" compliments? a se1=preferential positive politeness strate"y. %aron. .olmes. and -. &ew York? %nchor 0ooks . 17<<a.D 0ait(10ack. 1I 3an 'yen #*.arborin" )rud"es? mplications for (motions. Has 6ed. #ambrid"e? #ambrid"e 4niversity Aress (n"el. '1ford 4niversity Aress. 'n %polo"y. 3ander >aan. 54niversals in lan"ua"e usa"e? politeness phenomena! in (. . 179<. 5-e1 differences and lan"ua"e use in the (-> classroom! in 0ikram K. )oody 6ed. 2. 2uly.

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