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2 Vol.

XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Vote or Don’t Have Fun Ever Again

there needs to be more oversight be- orientation leader.  Through these ac- to be informed about the candidates’
By Natalie Crnosija cause of the size of their budget,” said tivities, including being a member of platforms.
Tilley during the debate. the Kappa Alpha Psi fraternity, Etienne “I wish more people could have
Etienne said the chief way to rem- said he has proved himself as an effec- come,” said Tilley.
As the October 22 Senate meeting edy the SAB’s diversification ills is to in- tive communicator. It was precisely these absent stu-
came to a close, the electoral debates for tensify marketing for the USG’s most “I am a hard worker and I have a lot dents who Tilley and Etienne tried to
open USG positions began. well-endowed agency and try to open of experience,” said Etienne. reach during the debate. Both candi-
Though it is common practice for the SAB to student feedback. Though the debate for the vice dates emphasized the importance of
elections for vacant seats to be held dur- “The problem is marketing,” said president of Student Life, Programming student involvement in SBU campus
ing the Fall semester for vacant seats, Etienne.  “We need to establish a mar- and Activities took top billing, the de- life, the lack of which was emphasized
due to the lack of a vice president of Stu- keting taskforce…to market effectively.” bates for other USG positions that fol- by attendance at the debate. Tilley and
dent Life, Programming and Activities Tilley similarly voiced his dissatis- lowed were expected to involve multiple Etienne said they each have plans to im-
created a high-profile race in a normally faction with the SAB’s marketing strat- candidates competing for each seat. prove student involvement by remedy-
low-key election season. egy and said he was baffled that the These seats include those of freshman ing problems on campus.
Candidates Senator Keith Tilley same SAB board members were re- representative, sophomore representa- If elected, Tilley said he hopes to
and Marvin Etienne debated their re- elected after using an unsuccessful mar- tive, senior representative and a Senate find a solution to congestion on the
spective views for the position, which keting strategy. seat.  The debates for the Senate seat commuter buses.
requires the officer to manage student Tilley, a USG insider, said he was were complicated by the absence of “It is a huge issue,” said Tilley. “You
life issues and oversee the Student Ac- qualified for the position because of his multiple candidates because the debate’s have to wait for busses and you miss
tivities Board (SAB).   The SAB, the experience as a senator and as a mem- original date and time was changed classes. How are we supposed to get off
USG’s largest agency, manages student ber of the College Democrats and Al- from Wednesday’s Campus Life to after campus during the weekend? We are
entertainment and events.  In the past, ternative Spring Break. the Senate meeting. trapped and that’s why people go home
the SAB has been accused of exclusivity “I have familiarized myself with the Elections Board Chair Valerie over the weekend.”
and not being representative of the stu- bylaws,” Tilley said.  “I have familiarized Moran said that she was reasonably Etienne also emphasized the im-
dent body by putting on events that ap- myself with the people.  I reach out to happy with the turnout, considering the portance of weekend life at SBU.
peal to only a select SBU demographic. the administration, which I have been date had been changed. “The SAB doesn’t have a lot of
Tilley said he hopes to intensify doing…so that makes me qualified.” “The more people come, the more events over the weekend,” Etienne said.
USG oversight over the SAB in order to Etienne said he could not boast people can make an informed decision,” “I will work as a liaison between stu-
assure that all students are represented USG experience, but has been involved said Moran. dents and the Office of Student Activi-
in the choices the SAB makes. in many SBU programs including Similarly, Tilley said he had hoped ties.”
“The SAB is elected like a club and CHILL Peer Education and being an more people would come to the debate

This is How the University Handles Dissent

New Uni- disruption to the inauguration’s
By Andrew Fraley versity Presi- processional march down the
dent Samuel zebra path on its way to the sports
L. Stanley’s complex, the police requested the
inauguration, much like the cold Friday afternoon union’s cooperation to ensure that
on which it was held, had its own share of dark the event went smoothly and
clouds. Following over two years of working without without disruption. This would in-
a contract and several months of bargaining with the clude a barricaded section where
Research Foundation, the members of the Commu- the demonstrators would stand
nications Workers of America Local 1104 were ex- while the procession passed by.
cited for an opportunity to welcome a change to the Kira Schuman, Business Manager
university’s leadership. Over 35 research, graduate of the Graduate Student Employ-
and teaching assistants were in attendance at the bot- ees Union, said that she and col- Roman Sheydvasser

tom of the zebra path on October 23 to welcome the leagues were a little upset about collaboration to ensure a livable wage and tuition wa-
new president and to encourage his collaboration to- this. “I was a little surprised about the barricades,” vers for graduate student employees, as well as on
wards a better quality of life for graduate student em- said Schuman. “[Robert J. Lenahan] the police chief, campus office space for the GSEU and the RA
ployees. had just asked for no interference.” Union.
Complications began to arise when demonstra- According to Schuman, an additional purpose This is the second rally held by the unions this
tion organizers were contacted by the University Po- of the demonstration was to present Stanley with a semester, and just another in a series throughout the
lice about the event. Concerned over a potential petition signed by over 650 supporters, urging his remainder of the semester. The demonstrations
The Stony Brook Press News 3

Southampton Gettin’ the Big Books

the better half of a decade. Construction The building is the first LEED and skylights have been deliberately po-
By Colleen Harrington of the library started over six years ago (Leadership in Energy and Environ- sitioned to provide natural light to 75%
with a groundbreaking ceremony in mental Design) certified library on of the building, slashing daytime energy
May of 2003 and wasn’t finally com- Long Island. LEED certification is an use. A storm water collection system al-
On the gray, gloomy morning of pleted until this year, making it the per- internationally recognized standard for lows for the storage and use of rain-
Saturday, October 12, Stony Brook haps the oldest brand new library rating structures on their environmen- waater for non-potable purposes like
Southampton held a ribbon-cutting cer- around. Long Island University began tal efficiency. The U.S. Green Building toilets and cleaning. A geothermal heat-
emony to unveil its new library, at- ing system has been installed to reduce
tended by a crowd of about a hundred energy use as well. The green features of
faculty members, students and visitors the building are definitely important to
from the surrounding community. The the students and faculty at a campus
event brought closure to a construction where all 8 undergraduate majors in-
project that has spanned several years, volve environmental studies.
while also celebrating the completion of “The new library is a fantastic facil-
a new campus building that’s both func- ity in terms of all the environmental as-
tional and eco-friendly. pects, from the carpets to the windows
After quick speeches by Stony to the rainwater collectors,” said Dr. Nay
Brook President Samuel Stanley, Htun, research professor at Southamp-
Southampton Dean Mary Pearl, Dean ton and former Assistant Secretary
of Libraries Chris Filstrup, and NY As- General of the United Nations Devel-
semblyman Fred Thiele, a comically opment Program. Htun helped organ-
large pair of red-handled safety scissors ize the 1992 U.N. Conference on
were used to snip a bright red ribbon Environment and Development in
that had been strewn across the en- Geneva. “It’s probably one of the pio-
trance. The crowd excitedly entered the neers in this direction, and it has great
new facility to scope it out, and the bril- Having fun isn’t hard if you have a library card!
Colleen Harrington potential to be a real role model.”
liant oranges, greens, yellows and blues Aside from the environmental fea-
of the walls and furniture inside con- construction not long before their Council uses the LEED system to grade tures, the three-leveled library comes
trasted starkly with the bleak, drizzly abrupt closure of the campus in 2005. buildings on various factors, including with all the technologic bells and whis-
day outdoors. After Stony Brook acquired the school, energy and water efficiency, material tles that are typical of new campus
“This new library will be a center the incomplete library stood as an and resource use, construction practices structures. There’s a SINC site full of
for research and collaboration,” said empty shell for several years as the de- and waste management, among other computers, and wireless internet is
President Stanley. “It’s not some dark, sign plans were altered to accommodate areas. The library’s LEED certification available throughout the building for
stuffy old building where people say, the new ownership’s focus on sustain- is an important plus for the building. laptop users. Power outlets are posi-
‘Shhh!’ to one another.” And dark and able practices. The finished building “I don’t want to see a single build- tioned in various spots on the floor, so
stuffy it certainly is not: the interior stands not only as a departure from ing go up on this campus without being that laptop users can power up without
boasts ample open space, lots of large LIU’s original blueprints; its environ- LEED certified,” Southampton Dean feeling chained to a wall. The building
windows, healthy use of bold, bright mentally conscious features and unique Mary Pearl said resolutely. “I believe in also houses several classrooms, offices,
colors and plenty of comfy couches and design help to make it markedly differ- repurposing and redesigning old build- conference spaces, a café, an art collec-
seats. ent from the traditional library image ings, too wherever possible.” tion, and, oh yeah—books.
The ribbon-cutting ceremony altogether. In the new library, huge windows
marked the end of a project that took

sistants has been rejected, which is many faculty members in the proces- tion’s orders. “They’re censoring stu-
RA UNION continued from previous page
considered a very serious topic. “They sion. Schuman also encouraged mem- dents,” said Schuman. “It’s absolutely
come amidst months of negotiations were more worried about Principal In- bers to participate in the ceremony at ridiculous.”
with the Research Foundation for a vestigators losing students than Re- the gym. “We want to demonstrate Despite the negative response
contract both parties can agree on. To search Assistants losing jobs,” said that we’d like to participate in this uni- from the administration, the union
date, they’ve only tentatively agreed on Clint Young, another committee versity,” said Citron. members remain hopeful. George
9 out of 26 articles. “We’re still in the member and physics RA. The administration’s response to Bloom, President of CWA 1104, an-
process of tabling issues,” said Zvi Cit- Nevertheless, committee members the demonstrators and their organiz- nounced that he met with Governor
ron, bargaining committee member remain optimistic, and progress is ers has been less than welcoming. Patterson, who promised that by next
and RA in the physics department. being made. “It is going as expected,” Schuman and several other colleagues week, the contract will be settled, and
“We’re having a hard time finding said Young, who jokingly called the were removed from the ceremony for that the Research Foundation will stop
common ground though.” Specifically, demonstration the inauguration party wearing the distinctive red union any obfuscatory and union-busting
an article extending anti-discrimina- crashers, given the circumstances. shirts, or, as in Schuman’s case, simply tactics. Despite not having met with
tion laws to include familial status, cit- They have yet to discuss economic possessing them. “The police escorted Stanley, most assistants viewed his ap-
izenship status, ancestry, gender issues, but expect to come to those me out and prevented others from pointment as a welcome change, and
expression, gender identity, weight soon. even entering,” explained Schuman. “I are looking forward to working with
and height has been rejected since the In the meantime, Stanley was wasn’t even wearing the shirt.” While him in the future.
beginning of the summer. In addition, never in the procession. Assistants the police refused to comment at first, “Without us, SUNY does not run,”
an article defining the policy of prior never had a chance to greet the presi- it was later reported that they removed reminded Bloom.
notification of funding changes for as- dent, but they were applauded by the demonstrators on the administra-
4 Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Execution Board
Head Executioner
Freaky Fraley
Managing Undeaditor
Najib Autopsy For-Profit Newspapers Endorse the Rich Guy
Associate Undeaditor
Natalie Crnosija
One of the last bastions of the old their self-interest rather than the people. over $100 million. This is a fact.
Banshee Manager school of American media sits a train-ride Or is it that the owners of these pres- Bloomberg overturned term limits despite
Erin Jayne Massacre
away, in New York City. Here, television tigious papers, such as Arthur Ochs saying he was in support of them years
Destruction Manager crews and field reporters walk streets lit by Sulzberger, Jr., Rupert Murdoch and Mort prior. This is a fact. Bloomberg is running
Tia B. Mephistopheles the flash of the photographers that cover Zuckerman, are just a number of the many for a third term and could possibly be in
News Undeaditors everything from ax-wielding ex- social elites that make up Mr. Bloomberg’s power as mayor of the world’s greatest city
Raina Bloodford boyfriends to politics – though it is often guest list at his Upper East Side residence? for 12 years. This is a fact.
Laura Kreuger
difficult to differentiate the two. For a profession that touts itself as In the past eight years, New York City
Features Undeaditor Just two weeks before the election, in- being the watchdog of society, the fourth has changed, in a good way for some, a bad
Ross Barkan cumbent Mayor Michael Bloomberg won estate to government, the medium that way for many, specifically its local and true
Arts Undeaditor the support of New York’s main three – keeps the masses informed and virtually residents. These are the residents who have
Doug Cion The New York Times, The New York Daily aware, this appears not to be the case. lived there all their lives and know the sub-
Sports Undeaditor News and The New York Post. This should- Mayor Bloomberg has brought great way maps like the back of their hands.
Jason Werewolf n’t come as too much surprise; as these are things to the city of New York, there is no These are the New Yorkers who have given
just additions onto the roughly 40 other debate here. But the debate lies in the cred- character to culture that resides in the city.
Photo Undeaditors
Eric DiGuillotine smaller newspapers that have expressed ibility of what his country and what many From Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx,
Liz Kaufman support of Bloomberg. countries worldwide strive to maintain— Staten Island and Manhattan, these five
Copy Undeaditors
Is this because Bloomberg has done a democracy. boroughs are at risk of mass gentrification,
Killy Yu great job since coming into office in 2001, This election is not about Democrat an exodus of the middle class, and an in-
Katie Killton expressing his support of term limits and or Republican, tax increases or hefty creased standard of living eliminating the
Iris (kil)Lin’
then reversing them one day before the promises, but it is about that one word: culture that has made New York, well,
Webmaster Presidential election in an attempt to have democracy. New York.
Roman Sheydvasser the media distracted? When you have one of the very few This is the stuff that doesn’t get re-
Audiomaster For the most part, the coverage of the forums in American society that upholds ported; only numbers, polls, and speeches
Josh Ghoulsberg election in most regards has been fair, this crucial element in the future of the do. So when the next media organization
Ombudsman though the perks of being Mayor and the way this country operates corrupted and backs Bloomberg, it’s not because of his re-
Mames Laudano ability to draw attention with the mere call tainted by businessman looking out for his spectable and commendable record. It’s
of a press conference still upholds, but own interests, be it expansion or develop- because the ownership of media has trans-
Sinister of Archives these endorsements go a long way to show ment, one is left with nauseous feeling in formed from principle to principal.
Alex Hellbert Nagler that these newspaper titans are nothing their stomachs.
more than corporate tools looking after Bloomberg is on his way to spending
Layout of the Dead
Jowy Romano

Army of Darkness
The Press’ Bizarro Endorsement
Kotei Aoki Chris Mellides We here at The Press have been keenly cumbent, Michael Bloomberg. with Bloomberg ads that they just assume
Vincent Barone Justin Meltzer
Laina Boruta James Messina interested in the mayoral race for a num- Mike Bloomberg proved himself to be he’s going to win. He was also the mayor
Matt Braunstein Steve McLinden
Tony Cai Samantha Monteleone
ber of reasons. It’s a case of several Davids as close to a despot as you can come in for one of the worst economic crises to hit
Alex Cardozo Roberto Moya vs. Goliath, where each David is a quirky America when he asked the New York New York City, and the rest of the coun-
Whiskers T. Clown Frank Myles
Mike Cusanelli Chris Oliveri and interesting character. Whether it’s our City Council to overturn the term limits, try, in over 70 years. Is it all his fault? Well,
Caroline D’Agati Ben van Overmeier
Krystal DeJesus Laura Paesano favorite activist performer, Reverend Billy; despite the fact that citizens voted for lim- no, but it was he and his billionaire bud-
Joe Donato Grace Pak Jimmy McMillan, a man whose “rent is its, twice. He was a supporter of term lim- dies’ unregulated market policies that led
Brett Donnelly Tim Paules
Lauren Dubinsky Rob Pearsall too damn high” policy is nearly as cool as its before it became a severe conflict of to it.
Nick Eaton Aamer Qureshi
Michael Felder Kristine Renigen his facial hair; Frances Villar, a socialist interest. Furthermore, he’s been at the James Murphy of LCD Soundsystem
Caitlin Ferrell Dave Robin
Vincent Michael Festa Jessica Rybak
student mother who thinks that CUNY forefront of the city’s gentrification—fol- summed it up best when, in his song,
Joe Filippazzo Joe Safdia should be free, like it used to be; and a lowing in the footsteps of America’s “New York, I Love You but You’re Bringing
Ilyssa Fuchs Natalie Schultz
Rob Gilheany Jonathan Singer myriad of other crazy candidates. Oh, Mayor, old Rudy—at the cost of displaced Me Down”, he said, “Our mild Billionaire
David Knockout Ginn Jon Slinger, web singer
Jennifer Hand Nick Statt right, and that Bill Thompson guy. Each citizens and an increasingly corporate cli- Mayor’s now convinced he’s a king.” A vote
Stephanie Hayes Rose Slupski candidate was so interesting, so worthy of mate. He’s commodified education, trans- for Bloomberg is a vote against the people
Andrew Jacob John Tucker
Liz Kaempf Lena Tumasyan an endorsement from The Press, that we as portation and the New York way of life. of New York City, and against democracy.
Elizabeth Kaplan Marcel Votlucka
Jack Katsman Alex Walsh an editorial board couldn’t decide on just He’s also spent more money on campaign So if you’re able to vote in the city this
Yong Kim Brian Wasser one. ads than his opponents are allowed to coming Tuesday, vote for Reverend Billy
Rebecca Kleinhaut Matt Willemain
Frank Loiaccono Mari Wright-Schmidt There is, however, one candidate we spend combined—assuming they can Talen, or Jimmy McMillan, or Frances Vil-
Kenny Mahoney Jie Jenny Zou
were all sure we could unendorse. A man raise as much—and multiplied by three. It lar, or even Bill Thompson if you have to.
The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly during
who subverted democracy, and com- is an effective strategy; it has scared away Vote for democracy.
the academic year and twice during summer session pletely disregarded New York City voters’ a number of Democrats before Thompson
by The Stony Brook Press, a student run non-profit or-
ganization funded by the Student Activity Fee. The opin- wishes. The “Goliath” in this tale is the in- ran, and most people are so inundated
ions expressed in letters, articles and viewpoints do not
necessarily reflect those of The Stony Brook Press as a
whole. Advertising policy does not necessarily reflect
editorial policy. For more information on advertising and
deadlines call (631)632-6451. Staff meetings are held
Wednesdays at 1:00 pm. First copy free. Additional
copies cost fifty cents.

The Stony Brook Press

Suites 060 & 061
Student Union
SUNY at Stony Brook
Write for e P!
Stony Brook, NY 11794-3200
(631) 632-6451 Voice
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Email: Meetings Every Wednesday at 1PM, Union Building 060
The Stony Brook Press 5
E-mail your letters to letters
The lettering in HIGH MOON is by Scott O. Brown, not by Steve Ellis.

- David Gallaher
Writer/Co-creator of HIGH MOON

Hey David,

We honestly were more excited that an author of one of our reviewed works was reading us than we were em-
barassed at that error. Nevertheless, an error it is, and our most sincere apologies for it. Our writer, Kenny Mahoney,
went from praising the art of the comic into praising the seamlessly integrated lettering, all the while forgetting to at-
tribute it to the right person! For this he has received a severe beating. That’ll learn him.
Thanks for the heads up, and we’ll try to keep an eye out for future mistakes. In the meantime, keep making those
comics and we’ll keep reading them.

The Press

Dear Steve McLinden,

Max Weinberg is not one of the greatest drummers in Western Music. He is actually one of the most boring and uninspiring
drummers ever.  

“He is adequate in the best way possible he beats those skins so hard,...”

Also, that sentence from your article is a run-on. 


Dear Drew,

Thank you very much for pointing out that glaring mistake in Steve’s article that was actually an error on the copy
editors’ parts and not Steve’s Steve is a great writer and doesn’t normally make mistakes he also addresses your other
criticism in his regular column, “Sound is Worth Money” so we’ll let him handle your Max Weinberg hatred but we ap-
preciate your concern for our paper hope to see you soon have a nice day.

The Press

Save The Date!

e Press would like to remind you that while the New York City mayoral election is an impor-
tant one, there are also a plethora of elections going on here in Suffolk and Brookhaven. If you
are a registered voter on this campus, there are elections for you to vote in this November 3.
Go vote in them.

Go Vote. November 3. Request an ad packet:
6 News Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

SBU Hospital Reusing Medical Devices

safe. properly hold the heart in place during as being for single use if the original
By Raina Bedford Marc J. Shapiro, M.D. and assistant
chief quality officer at Stony Brook
a by-pass procedure. The patient expe-
rienced excessive bleeding and a pro-
manufacturer believed it could per-
suade a hospital to throw the table out
Medical Hospital, endorsed the position longed procedure as a result. Upon after one use.”
A controversial practice is taking that reprocessed medical devices are inspection by the original manufacturer Dennies Toussaint, the director of regu-
place at Stony Brook University Hospi- safe. He said that he has never seen a they found that the foam gasket on the latory affairs at SteriliMed, the company
tal. The hospital is reprocessing certain reprocessed device malfunction during suction cup to grasp the heart had de- that reprocesses medical devices for
medical devices such as catheters, guide surgery, and that the government is very composed due to reprocessing. In an- Stony Brook Hospital and all state
wires, bits, burrs, blades and oxisensors strict about which devices can be re- other case a reprocessed endoscopic funded hospitals in New York, said, “Of
and reusing them on multiple patients. processed and the procedures for doing vein harvesting system failed when a the tens of thousands of patient adverse
The original manufacturers of these de- so. piece of shrink tubing broke free of the event reports that FDA receives through
vices label them as “single use” because “All hospitals are very concerned devices and became lodged in a patient’s its medical device reporting program,
they say they can’t guarantee the safety and conservative,” he said, “this isn’t a leg. The surgeon had to “fish” the dis- only a very small percentage concern
of reuse. However, the FDA sanctions decision we made overnight; we’ve been lodged part out of the patient’s leg. The reprocessed single-use devices, and the
the reprocessing of certain medical de- reprocessing medical devices for original manufacturers of the device few problems that have occurred with
vices and has deemed the practice safe, decades. I think it really does promote found that the shrink tubing that broke reprocessed single-use devices appear
but other government agencies as well a green environment, and as our tech- free had deteriorated due to multiple to be quite similar to the types of prob-
as the original device manufacturers are nology continues to improve I foresee sterilization cycles. lems associated with new devices.”
raising questions about the safety of Another issue surrounding the reuse
reusing medical devices. of single-use devices is patient notifica-
The Government Accountability tion. Under current law, patients are
Office released a report in 2006 that not required to be notified that the
stated, “neither existing FDA data nor equipment doctors are using during
studies performed by others are suffi- medical procedures has been used be-
cient to draw definitive conclusions fore. The original manufacturers are
about the safety of reprocessed single lobbying congress for an “informed
use devices compared to similar origi- consent” law that would require patients
nal devices.” Despite this the GAO con- to be notified that the medical devices
cluded that the available data showed doctors are using on them have been re-
that the practice was safe, even though processed.
they said there was not enough data to Advamed said that patients need to
support a definitive conclusion on the be notified because of the inherent risks
matter. of reprocessing medical devices. They
Following the release of the report illustrated the risk by explaining specific
was a congressional hearing. Dr. Daniel complications involving an electrophys-
G. Shultz, director of the FDA center for iology catheter. Stephen J. Uble, repre-
devices and radiological health testified senting Advamed said, “The device has
on behalf of the FDA. He said that at to be rigid enough, stiff enough, to ac-
the time the FDA had received 434 re- tually be threaded up into the heart, yet
ports of malfunctioning medical de- it has to be flexible enough to make sure
vices and of these reports, that it doesn’t puncture the artery and it
approximately 65 involved reprocessed has to be flexible enough to go through
single use devices. He said the FDA the twists and turns of the artery. It also
could not determine whether these 65 has to be sterile so as not to introduce
injuries or deaths were caused solely by potential infection, and it has to be sen-
the reprocessed devices or by other that we’ll be recycling more and more.” Advamed also argued that the FDA sitive enough so that when it gets to the
medical complications. Advamed, a trade association rep- statistics on reprocessed medical de- heart, it can accurately take readings
When asked whether he could give resenting the original device manufac- vices are flawed. Prior to 2006, repro- from the heart. Every one of those
an estimate of how many Americans turers, disagrees with this position. cessing companies were not required to properties can be negatively affected by
have died because of reprocessed med- Stephen J. Ubl, representing Advamed label their products as reprocessed so reuse. Failure to completely clean and
ical devices Dr. Shultz said, “I wish I testified in front of Congress that the many doctors thought the products sterilize the device can potentially
could give you an exact count; I can’t.” reuse of medical devices is not safe and were new. According to Advamed this transfer blood-borne diseases from one
There are definite benefits to repro- he submitted specific evidence to back skews the FDA statistics on reprocessed patient to another. Cleaning and steril-
cessing medical devices. Hospitals save up his case. According to Advamed, medical devices because no one could ization and use itself can affect the de-
hundreds of thousands of dollars a year blood, mucous and fecal mater can ac- tell, prior to 2006, if the devices doctors vice’s flexibility, durability, and
reprocessing medical devices and re- cumulate during use in areas that are were using were reprocessed or new. sensitivity. No one should want a de-
move thousands of pounds of waste very difficult to access and clean. In ad- Advamed insists that their products vice used on a second, third or fourth
from landfills by recycling them. Stony dition to this Ubl said that reprocessing are labeled single use because they can- patient unless there is an ironclad as-
Brook Hospital saves an estimated can be debilitating to the devices and not guarantee the safety of reuse. How- surance that it is literally as good as new
$300,000 per year reprocessing medical materials can become brittle, sticky or ever, many question whether Advamed after it is reprocessed.”
devices and has decreased the amount deformed. has financial motives. Don Selvey, sen- And that’s what the issue essentially
of medical waste for disposable devices Advamed cited two examples of med- ior vice president of regulatory affairs boils down to. Is there an ironclad as-
by almost 8,000 lbs per year. Hospital ical devices that broke down due to re- and quality assurance for Ascent surance that reprocessed devices are lit-
officials insist that the benefits of repro- processing. In one case a cardiovascular Healthcare Solutions, a reprocessing erally as good as new after being
cessing far outweigh the negatives, and surgeon cut a patient’s heart when a re- firm, said, “The truth is that a manu- reprocessed?
that reprocessing medical devices is processed heart positioner failed to facturer could label an operating table
The Stony Brook Press 7
Falcon Would Be A Great Name For A Fat Kid
Swap”. I think at this point it’s safe to
By Colleen Harrington say that most “reality” TV people are
about as far out of touch with reality
as they can possibly be, and literally
All right, you Heene jerks, the jig everything they participate in can be
is up. You thought you’d put on a fun completely and utterly disregarded
little air show for us, but it all blew up (“Daisy of Love.” ‘Nuff said). I also
in your faces faster than you can say think that at this point, we can agree
Hindenburg. You might have believed that all of these types ought to be
you could capture the nation’s atten- boarded onto a giant helium-filled
tion and hang on, white-knuckling it craft and shipped off into the cold
as long as you could, but you should outer reaches of space once and for
know that I at least was skeptical all. Perhaps Professor Jones could
from the get-go. Anyone who’s ever help design it, if he’s not too busy.
seen the ending of The Wizard of Oz, As it turns out, this was some
just to find out it was a dream after all plan that Heenes and Co. had
ought to be wary of scenarios where schemed up to land their own reality
youngsters just float off in balloons show, which is just sooo typical of
like no biggie. Good old logic dictates them. It’s a plan that seems, at best, a
that it’s easier to believe that little tad under developed: call the media,
kids can’t fly away wrapped in pieces call the cops, get some choppers on it,
of Reynolds Wrap than to believe that and then pray that our little Falcon
they can, so I personally smelled the develops teleporting abilities so he
bologna a mile away. can manifest himself at the crash site
But you Heenes, you’re so cute, ALL RIGHT.” Let’s just hope he’s was asked on CNN why he didn’t when the thing lands. Did they really
thinking you had us fooled. I mean, tenured. come out when all of Colorado was think this would all pan out nicely in
sure, okay, The New York Times site Okay, so admittedly, a few people searching for him. He meekly replies the end, that no one would want to
was running a timeline with breaking out there fell for it. But even for those that his parents had said they were examine the blueprints for this mag-
updates on the elusive Falcon’s who were convinced young Falcon “doing it for a show.” Later, during ical hovering craft made from every-
whereabouts, but what do they know? was in danger, thanks to the live feed other news interviews, when Falcon’s day household items? And how were
And yeah, the National Guard might of the giant Jiffy Pop bag lurching asked what he meant by the state- they planning on making the transi-
have sent a couple helicopters to through space; even for those who ment, the kid totally blows it and tion from UFO-designing, son-losing
scope out the scene, but c’mon, it’s heard the phony frantic 911 call, the vomits – not once, but twice. That nuts to beloved television family?
Colorado, they probably weren’t busy story was quickly punctured. For in- was the clincher. Right then, I would Was Falcon to play a lovable ghost,
anyway. The state’s about as square as stance, it was reported that our lovely have been like, “Falcon, do you puke back from beyond the grave to haunt
they come, save for maybe Wyoming. Heenes called their local news station when you tell lies?” and he would us with his stinking lies and his
I must say though, I feel worst for before they called the police for help. have said, “No…” and then promptly vomit? Most of all, I wonder: If this
Brian Jones, the Colorado State Uni- Then it came out that ol’ storm chas- puked. was the attention-grabbing gem they
versity physics professor who initially ing Papa Heene was no meteorolo- Well, Falcons will be Falcons, I settled upon, what other ruthless re-
affirmed the plausibility, saying that gist, and in fact had never been to suppose. Shortly thereafter, our ality plots were considered?
the kid’s weight wouldn’t compromise college. Also—I don’t know if I’m brows collectively narrowed with So listen up, Heenes, presuming
the structural integrity of the flying making this clear enough—it was tin skepticism, and it wasn’t too long be- you’re not too busy swapping wives
baked potato. I’d sure have hated to foil and duct tape flying through the fore the “Boy in the Balloon” fairytale and stuff: If you’re thinking of next
be Jones, heading to campus the next air. But for many, the clarifying mo- popped, and the “Fines and Felony telling us you’ve sent out a Saran
day to face the music. As a student, I ment of the Heeneburg Disaster ar- Charges” drama debuted. Barely a day Wrap submarine manned only by
don’t know how seriously I could take rived when the little kid came down had passed since the Jiffy Pop liftoff your son Seahorse, you can forget it.
a professor knowing he had once said with Pinocchio Syndrome as the fam- before the media was reporting that Because now our guard is definitely
to a bunch of guys, “Bits of tin foil ily went on its whirlwind “buy the Heenes had met in acting school up. So don’t even try it.
and duct tape, you say? A forty- this/pity us” media tour. First, our and had been on reality television be-
pound child? OH, IT’S HAPPENING precocious young space cadet Falcon fore, namely ABC’s pure genius “Wife
8 A Democracy Tale Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Reporting for this article is part of a larger project highlighting the concerns of New Yorkers, the candidates running for Mayor, and describing the controversy behind this
election. For more information, log on to

By Najib Aminy
Persuading the New York City Council to vote in his favor, the two-term limit
In this year’s 2009 New York City mayoral election, New Yorkers will choose was overturned for all city-elected officials, allowing Bloomberg to run for a third
from a diverse array of candidates that include a rent activist, socialist student- term. Bloomberg is expected to spend roughly $100 million for his campaign come
mother, an anti-corporate preacher, a city comptroller and a wealthy incumbent November 3. He has spent $74 million in his narrow-victory over Mark Green in
looking to hold onto the reigns. 2001 and $85 million in 2005.
What makes this election different from years prior has much to do with the At hand, the issues of this election range from job-creation, education, trans-
process of how Mayor Michael Bloomberg is running for an unprecedented third portation, rent, and taxes.
term. Citing the economic crisis, Bloomberg said his experience and leadership, he
felt, was crucially needed to get New York City out of the current downturn.

Jimmy McMillan
live with an affordable rent.
Rent is Too High Party
When McMillan ran for mayor in
2005, his party name, “Rent is Too
Jimmy McMillan is one of many
Damn High” was censored by the City
things. He is a former Vietnam-vet-
Elections board to “Rent is Too High”
eran, a private-investigator, an author,
citing the word “damn” as a curse
and a self-claimed verbal judo master.
But mind you, Jimmy McMillan is not
McMillan had tried to keep his
a politician rather a politi-cian.
party name to the 15 character maxi-
For years, McMillan has been
mum, removing “the” from the begin-
voicing the concerns of many New
ning of his party name and even
Yorkers on the issue that hits home—
considered replacing the word “too”
with the number 2. Nevertheless,
Since the 2001 World Trade Cen-
McMillan will be running under the
ter attacks, McMillan has said that rent
“Rent is Too High Party.”
has continually increased at the hands
He said he will be pursuing legal
of city politicians and that it is the
action after the election, regardless of
biggest issue of this campaign.
the outcome.
McMillan says that rent decreases
and caps would help out local busi-
nesses, encourage New Yorkers to go
out and buy more, and allow them to

Frances Villar Bronx.

Party for Socialism and Liberation Villar says she is a speaker for the working poor and
feels the billionaires are taking over New York City, pay-
Born in the Domincan Republic, Villar moved here ing low-income families to leave and charging increased
when she was three-years old and says she grew up poor rates on rent and transportation.
in the richest city in the world. Her childhood consisted She says, if elected, her first course of action would
of watching the NYPD harass her friends because they be to lock-up current police commissioner Ray Kelly for
were either Black or Latino, she said, and increasingly all the injustices he and the police force have committed
became tired of the system. against the lower-income minority residents. In addi-
Villar, a CUNY student, has fought against tuition tion, Villar advocates for free education, which CUNY
increases and organized students to fight for social was in years past, and for a more affordable and livable
causes including protests against the foreign wars of Iraq New York City.
and Afghanistan and expressing support for the Jena 6. Her plans are simple, tax from the rich and give to
After complaints about unconcerned landlords, Villar the poor.
worked to create the first ever tenant association in the
The Stony Brook Press A Democracy Tale 9

By Najib Aminy

Billy Talen ping malls through the continental U.S.

Green Party Talen is running because he feels that con-
sumerism has taken over democracy and that the
His suits vary from cream beige and cobalt blue, neighborhoods, all 500 of them in New York City, are
to pearl white but his message stays the same. With a being threatened by development, gentrification and
$5 priest’s collar around his neck, Billy Talen takes to increase in rents.
the streets with his singing entourage, The Church of Taking to the streets, subway cars, and any other
Life After Shopping, directed by his wife, Savitri Dur- public domain Talen has earned the Green Party nom-
kee, preaching his message of community, anti-con- ination calling local business both economically and
sumerism, and environmentalism. environmentally friendly.
Talen, emulating an evangelical preacher, fought Talen made his voice heard during the first debate
his first campaign against the gentrification of Times between the two primary candidates heckling Mayor
Square in the late 90s. He has been arrested for Bloomberg during his opening statement questioning
protesting against the opening of a number of Star- why Bloomberg was on stage screaming at the top of
bucks stores from New York to California, and kicked his lungs that New Yorkers had voted for term limits.
out of the properties of Wal-mart and various shop-

Bill Thompson if elected, which hurts him when running against an

Democratic and Working Families Party administration as organized as Bloomberg’s.
Thompson says he will be the voice for the mid-
The former city comptroller is in the political dle class, looking to better the services the city pro-
fight of his career, at least so far. Up against a well- vides, and work on the many problems from higher
funded incumbent mayor, Thompson has won the rent and water costs to transportation issues and big-
support of a number of unions that previously sup- ger institutions such as schools.
ported Bloomberg. Nevertheless, support from major Though Thompson is behind by more than 10
democrats have stalled, receiving some high profile points, according to the most recent Quinnipiac poll,
announcements late in the campaign that includes his campaign is relying on unions, key endorsements
City Council speaker Chirstine Quinn and most im- from Obama, and New Yorkers who are still upset
portantly President Barack Obama. over term limits.
His critics say that the focus of his campaign is A decent debater, Thompson will have to utilize
primarily on attacking the Bloomberg administra- the last week before Election Day to out the vote and
tion, centralizing on the issue of term limits and cam- make his message clear if he wants a shot come No-
paign spending. Thompson also has been criticized vember 3, critics have said.
for being vague and unclear about his specific plans
Michael Bloomberg most of the city services. According to Bloomberg,
Republican and Independent Party student test scores have risen, crime has been reduced
and stayed low, and that his administration has
Bloomberg has spent more private money than pushed politics aside and focused on the issues most
any other U.S. politician in history. At the end of this pertinent to New Yorkers.
election, he is expected to have spent roughly a quar- Bloomberg’s administration defends the excessive
ter of a billion dollars since campaigning in 2001 for private spending, which is protected by the First
the position of mayor in New York City. amendment, as a means to let all New Yorkers know of
Critics point to the subversion of democracy as all the great things Mayor Bloomberg has accom-
Bloomberg heavily influenced the passing of term lim- plished in his previous eight years in office.
its and question the need for a third term. Some ask, However, Bloomberg’s visions by 2013 include
what can Bloomberg do in the next four years that he green-fueled taxis, a more environmentally sound city,
has not in the past eight. opened parks, higher school performances, and an af-
Nevertheless, Bloomberg has kept budget deficits fordable housing system that will keep New Yorkers
in control, given the economic situation that has in New York.
plagued both the nation and the city and maintained
10 Features Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Rising Cost of Education

Stanley Endorses SBU Tuition Hike
system. UUP President Phillip Smith that every student get vaccinated to ley’s approach towards education,” Gia-
By Raina Bedford said that if individual colleges are able avoid the “real disruptive effects” of an
to raise tuition without state approval, outbreak on students’ education.
rrusso said. “He left out the medical
school in his speech and you need the
it would harm potential college stu- Stanley also announced that he is medical component along with research
There were dark overtones to an dents, many of whom rely on cheap ed- pursuing an alliance with both to educate students.”
otherwise joyous celebration. Stony ucation in tough economic times. Brookhaven National Laboratory and Stanley also spoke about efforts to
Brook University’s new president, “Surely, the primary aim of every Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory. If an reduce waste in the SUNY system. He
Samuel L. Stanley Jr., faces a tough SUNY campus is to educate,” announced a “strategic
economy and much is expected of him. Smith said. “But giving cam- plan” to conduct a careful
“I am by nature an optimist but we puses blanket authority to do review of all departments.
are faced with hard facts,” said Stanley. whatever they want with tax- Stanley said his adminis-
“We are in the middle of a great reces- payers’ property is bound to tration is creating tough
sion.” have the opposite result.” standards to measure suc-
Indeed, it is a tough time for the Michael Marx, associate cess, and this assessment
SUNY system. The state recently cut vice president of Brookhaven will help determine areas
SUNY’s budget by $90 billion. Stanley National Laboratories, en- where resources should
said that cutting SUNY’s budget is “fun- dorsed a tuition increase for be focused, or cut.
damentally the wrong strategy,” and he SBU. “No university can be
wants to take SBU’s finances into his “The university is shrink- great in all areas,” Stanley
own hands. ing because it has a budget said.
Currently, the university is bound deficit,” Marx said. “We’re way The inauguration of
by state rules and regulations concern- behind in all kinds of things SBU’s fifth president
ing tuition hikes, which Stanley believes and a tuition increase is the Nice robes. What are you, a secret agent? Eric DiGiovanni marks the beginning of a
“hinder our chance of being great.” To only way to fix our problems. new chapter in SBU’s his-
achieve this greatness, Stanley made it Its time has come.” alliance is created among these three re- tory and students and faculty will have
clear, that he will pursue a tuition in- Stanley said that a tuition increase search institutions they will boast more to be vigilant in monitoring the success
crease for all students. will help him pursue his ambitions for than $750 million in annual external of his initiatives. On his first day as
“Our tuition is too low to support SBU, and his ambitions are many. He funding making them the largest re- SBU’s official president, Stanley an-
our students,” he said, “this is what said it is his number one priority to hire search conglomerate in the Long Island nounced a tuition hike, a comprehen-
Stony Brook needs to move forward.” 400 new professors in the next 8-10 area. Stanley reaffirmed his position sive review to determine what programs
Stanley endorsed “SUNY flex” leg- years. Stanley said SBU is “at a tipping that research is what makes SBU stand can be cut, and an ambitious hiring plan
islation that would allow state universi- point where large classes and recitations out from other state universities, and which will all have a great effect on our
ties to increase tuition and sell or lease negatively affect students’ education.” said he is committed to continuing this university.
university property without approval Stanley also used his pulpit to make tradition. Tough economic times call for
from the state. Professors are split over a statement about student health. On Edward Giarrusso, a professor in tough decisions, and Stanley certainly
whether or not this proposal is a good stage, in front of a crowd of nearly 2000 the physicians assistant program, ex- has inherited a challenging fiscal crisis.
one. attendees, he received the H1N1 vac- pressed concern that Stanley may be fo- “I do believe the budget crisis is
The nation’s largest higher educa- cine. He said he is concerned that the cusing too much on research and not temporary,” he said. “The focus now is
tion union, the United University Pro- disease hits college-aged students the enough on education. on the long term growth of SBU.”
fessions (UUP), opposes a “SUNY flex” hardest in terms of mortality, and asked “I have some concerns with Stan-

Tuition Hikes Will Create, Not Solve, Problems

dents and students from other public Stony Brook will likely raise tuition. that there is currently an educational
By Michelle Bylicky schools will be forced to pay increased Public schools are owned and subsi-
dized by the state, which means univer-
gap in the American workforce in com-
parison to other developed countries,
sities do not rely solely on students to which will make it hard for America to
College tuition continues to rise. generate income; the state is also re- compete against them.
According to a report by the National sponsible for providing schools with The Delta Project, an independent
Center for Public Policy and Higher Ed- funds. However, during economic re- non-profit agency whose purpose is to
ucation, tuition has increased 439 per- cessions states attempt to cut costs by develop data on postsecondary educa-
cent from 1982 to 2007 while the reducing the funding to public univer- tion costs and productivity, has also
average family income has only in- sities. Without state support, public uni- looked into the rising cost of tuition, fo-
creased by 147 percent. This means that versities must raise tuition to generate cusing on the years between 1982-2006.
the percentage of a family’s income that funds. However, raising tuition during Its report featured several interesting in-
is required to pay for a student’s educa- a recession inevitably leads to trouble sights noting that while a university
tion has continued to increase over for students who may already be in fi- may suggest that a higher tuition will
time. The report also noted that student Show me the money! nancial trouble. This can lead to a increase or maintain the quality of edu-
borrowing has doubled in the last greater accumulation of debt by stu- cation a student is receiving, this is not
decade alone. dents and an increase in dropout rates. necessarily true. It found through re-
Particularly troubling for most tuition fees only to see the money re- Patrick Callan, the President of the Na- search on postsecondary education that
SUNY students is the discussion of moved from the public school system tional Center for Public Policy and there is no consistent relationship be-
budget cuts and rising tuition. It is and used to cover the New York budget Higher Education noted that America tween the absolute level of resources or
feared that Stony Brook University stu- downfall. Even if this does not occur, is already facing problems. He noted funds the university has and student re-
The Stony Brook Press 11
The Rising Cost of Education
Education Should Have No Dollar Value
When Calvin erage get smaller grants from the col- cation, free of charge. Today, CUNY graduate is $26,505. A bachelor’s degree
Coolidge told the leges they attend than students from schools are still relatively cheap at balloons this figure to $49,303.
American Society wealthier families. $4,600 per year. Stony Brook tuition is Higher education is becoming in-
of Newspaper Edi- The issue not only becomes a ques- $4,970 and rising. And for most of the creasingly unaffordable, a business built
tors that the “chief tion of affordability but an issue of country, college costs much more. to serve the select few with the means
business of the morality. Is it moral for education to be In a truly moral country, education to pay for it. The rising cost will only
American people so chiefly tied to business? Isn’t the basic would be completely free. Every indi- further the troubling class divide in this
Ross is business,” he aim of education to improve the intel- vidual has a right to education if he or nation. For better or worse, education
Barkan could have been lectual capabilities of the nation’s stu- she wants to pursue it. In 1944, Franklin and economic opportunity are joined at
shouting into the dents in order to ensure further Delano Roosevelt proposed an “Eco- the hip. It is time to make education,
future. Forgetting the flappers, prohibi- prosperity and progress? In 2009, the nomic Bill of Rights” that would proba- along with sanitation, police protection,
tion, and vaudeville, the 1920’s and bly be derided as socialist by half of and fire fighting, a free institution to be
2000’s were bewitched by the same the U.S. Senate today. I wouldn’t call enjoyed equally by all. If education is
zeitgeist. We are, even in the ashes of it socialist—I would call it correct. truly available to everyone, the trou-
a Wall Street collapse, a nation Among many guarantees, Roosevelt bling income gap would begin to
driven by the almighty dollar. Travel told Congress that all citizens shrink. A nation could come together.
is a business. Health care is a busi- should have “the right to a good ed- Fiscal conservatives will wail that
ness. And, lamentably, education is a ucation.” After World War II, the the federal government can’t possibly
business. GI Bill guaranteed a free college ed- support free education, especially in
If the higher education industry ucation to all returning soldiers. this dismal economy. Why are we so
does not change its course, a gener- That ethos seems to have been lost. willing to pour billions into Iraq and
ation of students will be crippled. A system such as ours that makes Afghanistan, send our own troops to be
Debt is already leaving today’s grad- education a premium rips open the slaughtered, alienate native populations,
uates thrashing below sea level. A so- yawning gap between those born build higher walls between America
ciety that values the college diploma with opportunity and those born and the global community, but not will-
so highly is driving a dagger between without opportunity. ing to give every American student an
the haves and have-nots. If the busi- We shudder at the rigidity and equal chance at success? Despite eco-
ness of higher education is in danger hopelessness of medieval feudal so- nomic struggles, America remains a
during this recession, its patrons are cieties. Guess what? While the wealthy nation and a world power. The
The business of America shouldn’t be business, Cal
in even more dire straits. American society of 2009 is far capital exists to make free education a
Getting a degree will one day be more fluid than the worlds of reality.
synonymous with bankruptcy unless dollar comes before the student. For the Chaucer and Henry III, social mobility Sadly, it seems unlikely that the ex-
trends start reversing fast. College tu- future of the American to be bright, ed- remains minimal and income gaps re- ploitation of the college student will end
ition and fees have increased 439 per- ucation and business must divorce. main absurdly large (U.S. households in in the near future. President Obama has
cent from 1982 to 2007 while median There was a time when American the top 20 percent of the income distri- hardly addressed the issue. As of now,
family income has risen 147 percent. free education existed. No, it was not bution own more than 80 percent of the our military industrial complex, student
Student borrowing has more than dou- during a prehistoric epoch: it was in nation’s wealth). If an American is born loan industry, and greedy universities
bled in the last decade. Students from New York City until 1975. All schools in into a wealthy family, overwhelming control the tide. Change doesn’t seem
low income families are the hardest hit: the City University of New York system odds are this individual will attend an likely.
according to a 2008 report by the Na- (CUNY) were free to attend. Admission institution of higher education and Perhaps someday old Calvin
tional Center for Public Policy and standards were stricter but all qualified achieve some form of economic success. Coolidge can be proven wrong.
Higher Education, these students on av- students could receive an excellent edu- The median income of a high school

TUITION continued from PREVIOUS page

sults (measured in credentials earned). maintenance. Remember that time you ition even as the amount of faculty time from the state, more cutbacks in less
Instead, how the university spends its spent waiting to talk to someone in Ad- available for teaching decreases. Stu- populated classes and less populated
money is most important, suggesting ministration just to have them send you dent tuitions may increase to cover the majors and minors, and rollbacks in
that leadership and intentionality mat- somewhere else because they don’t deal time a faculty member spends perform- programs designed to close attainment
ter more to educational performance with that problem, only to be sent back ing research despite that students do gaps. However, these actions can exac-
than university funds alone. by the person who the first guy sent you not often directly benefit from the re- erbate the current economic situation.
For Stony Brook this means that to? Yeah, that’s your tuition money search being done. The exceptions to If tuition increases, it is likely that more
the money former president, Shirley going to work right there. this rule are the students who work disadvantaged students will drop out,
Strum Kenny, spent on various plants The Delta Project has also found alongside professors in the labs on their lowering what revenue the university is
to “beautify” the campus was largely that for public institutions that perform research projects. Administrators both currently taking in as well as decreasing
wasted money (but you probably al- research, such as Stony Brook, the re- in the school and in the government are the number of individuals who are able
ready knew that) or money that the search grant money which is paid to the responsible for supporting this policy. to graduate and become productive
school spends on one time events that school by the state is never enough to This is not to argue that research in a members of society. While increasing
are not useful to academics. Of partic- pay for the full costs of the research. university is bad or in any way un- tuition may help to solve the Univer-
ular interest is that direct instruction The cost of faculty time is shown to in- praiseworthy, but to note that research sity’s current economic woes it will lead
expenses, such as classroom time with crease through reduced teaching loads, is partially paid for through indirect to a less well educated population as a
professors, has consistently declined as meaning professors are paid the same fees from the student. whole and a more difficult time for
a proportion of education and related amount by the university even if they What does this all mean for Stony America as the country attempts to
spending when compared to spending are teaching fewer classes in a semester Brook students? First, tuition is ex- compete with other industrialized na-
increases in student services such as ac- because they are performing research. pected to increase to offset the loss of tions on the world stage.
ademic support, administration and This leads to an increase in student tu- money the university usually obtains
12 Features Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Inauguration of
President Stanley

Photos by Alex H. Nagler

and Roman Sheydvasser
The Stony Brook Press Features 13
Stony Brook is Dying for Better Health Care

Photos by Liz Kaufman

Captions by Matt Willemain

Placards wait at the ready on the afternoon of Tuesday, A recently concluded study conducted by researchers
October 20, as demonstrators prepare a Die-in to support from Harvard Medical School determined that approxi-
health care reform. mately 45,000 Americans die needlessly every year, or
more than 120 every day, for lack of health care coverage.

Rather than a "robust" public option modeled after the

failed state programs in Massachusetts and Vermont, Unable to marshal any real arguments against the aboli-
some demonstrators favored a single payer system—what tion of pay-or-die for-profit health insurance, Speaker of
doctors like Marcia Angell, former Editor-in-Chief of the the House Nancy Pelosi recently dodged critics by saying
New England Journal of Medicine, describe as the only way "If it were up to me, we'd have single payer." Maybe if she
to both provide comprehensive coverage to everyone and was Superspeaker of the Superhouse? That's probably
control costs. what happens if we just vote for her a bunch more times.
14 Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Fear and Loathing at the HLA
famed reproductive rights activist, Mar- that I found insightful,” and she went on wash” better. I can quote W.E Dubois,
gret Sanger as saying, “We do not want to criticize the President. I think “black- Dr. King and the Amsterdam News,
By Samuel Katz word to go out that we want to extermi- washing” is the best explanation for the who have supported Sanger and the
nate the Negro population.” The article printing of Furlow’s picture alongside clinic she set up in Harlem. The Human
I was walking out of my chemistry also associates Sanger and birth control her article on how African Americans Life Alliance can quote Furlow and put
lecture and was looking for some light with other famous societal demons, are targeted by Planned Parenthood. A a picture of her next to her poorly cited
reading to do while I was having my such as social Darwinism and the simple attempt to justify their claim is piece. But that would be missing the
lunch. I walked to the SAC and picked American Eugenics Society. made by saying “Hey, it’s a black women point.
up a copy of the Statesmen and pro- While reading the article, I was who’s saying it.” To assess the validity of medicine by
ceeded towards the cafeteria. As I was struck by something interesting. At the People are entitled to their opin- the people who have created it, or in this
balancing my meal, coffee, wallet and left of one page was the picture of the ions, and although I may not like what case funded it, is stupid at best and dan-
the Statesmen, I felt something hard in- author, a middle aged African Ameri- Furlow has to say, I can’t take that right gerous at worst. To avoid birth control
side my copy of the newspaper and can women in a professional pose, Akua from her. But I could call into question due to the views of its sponsor would be
when I opened it I saw a nice the equivalent of not using the
glossy pamphlet folded inside. cryptography developed in
The cover had a picture of part by Marian Rejawski, to
an attractive young woman help the allied forces win
leaning against a tree bark WWII. And I suppose the
under an afternoon sun that’s HLA who have published this
reflected off her golden hair. At supplement know that, but
the bottom of the page read the they also know how vulnerable
word “iCare” with the lower people are and they know how
case i resembling that of the new to use that vulnerability for
trend in technology nomencla- their cause. Having people as-
ture, and written in a font that sociate racism with a pill is a
resembles that of the graphic powerful strategy to get people
design for the movie Juno. I to stop using it, yet its legiti-
thought I would find info inside macy should be questioned
about a new volunteering initia- and exposed. Using our inner
tive (the look on her face im- Pavlovian nature to advance an
plied concern) or maybe some ideology is wrong at best.
environmental awareness infor- Sanger’s racism is a question
mation (the background had a for historians; it should have
tree and leaves). no part in a discussion on the
Turns out, this was part of a uses of a particular medicine
massive nationwide campaign or technology. The function
against abortion. The pages such associations are meant to
were lined with the usual pic- serve is simple fear beyond any
tures of smiling babies and car- form of rationalism or science.
ing parents and quotes like, Camouflage is the
“Every day in the US 3315 ba- name of the game of this sup-
bies are thrown away, their lives plement. On their website,
wasted by someone else’s HLA says, “The pro-life adver-
choice.” Along with anecdotes tising supplement, entitled
like, “Some [who have had “iCare” employs an environ-
abortions] sadly remember A particularly silly page of the aforementioned iCare insert mental theme to explore the
their aborted child’s ‘would be’ impact of abortion on students
birthday each year.” Spread throughout Furlow. What struck me was that none some of what she claims. Furlow is part in the United States.” Apparently, all it
the rest of the supplement was the usual of the sixteen other articles in the news- of an organization called LEARN, Life takes to get people to reject abortions is
rhetoric: abortion causes infertility, paper had pictures of their authors or Education And Resource Network, an to have it associated with tree hugging.
causes breast cancer, causes abusive re- even mentioned the names of their au- organization that offers a twelve-week At the end of the supplement, on
lationships (the last one does not in- thors, why was this one different? Oh, program to heal “Post abortion Syn- the back page, it says, (no mention of
clude a citation.) And, of course, did I mention she is black? drome”, a disorder, I should mention, the author, I guess this didn’t need any
towards the end is the ritual sermon “Blackwashing” (a term coined by not recognized (and disproved) by the blackwashing) “Any loss of life is tragic,
against premarital sex (with the title Stephen Colbert) is when politicians try DSM. In one of Furlow’s articles fea- but this is nowhere near the alleged
“The Science of Sex”). And, my favorite, to shield their critiques of President tured on the site she writes “Many be- ‘thousands of deaths by back alley abor-
how the only way to heal from a past Obama from being called racist by lieve China’s policy of one child per tions.” They write that the year prior to
abortion is by joining the pro-life move- claiming that African Americans say family is a pilot project that will target the legalization of abortions, thirty-nine
ment. the same thing. Such as, when Rep. Vic- other underdeveloped nations and maternal deaths occurred due to illegal
One article in particular caught my toria Foxx (R-NC) said “conservative eventually here in the U.S.” abortions. I wonder, would making
attention, “Reproductive Racism”. The commentator Thomas Sowell, an We can argue all we want about Ms. abortions illegal decrease that number
article sang the old mantra of the anti- African American, examined some of Sanger’s association with eugenics. or increase that number? But even more
birth control movement and how President Obama’s claims about the Whether she entertained racist views, or than that, “iCare.”
planned parenthood is part of eugenics health care reform legislation moving whether she was the victim of a poor
and ethnic cleansing, a plot to eliminate through the Congress.   I wanted to choice of words (as progressives always
inferior groups. The article quotes quote some excerpts from his column are). We can try to see who can “black-
The Stony Brook Press 15
Celebrate Halloween At Home, Alone.
isn’t Weezer’s fifth album, buddy. Resi- bending scares. What’s that, you’re group. Take the fight online with up to
By Kenny Mahoney dent Evil 4 is my favorite of the series,
hitting the sweet spot between great
walking down a hallway? Oh, now
there’s blood dripping from the walls.
4 players cooperatively or competitively
with one team controlling the survivors
gunplay and stellar scares. The varied That kind of shit will make you terrified and the other controlling special in-
Halloween is just around the cor- enemy types and environments will of any and all long corridors you en- fected to see who can make it the far-
ner, and since you know you’re way too make sure that there’s nothing left for counter for the next two weeks. thest.
old to trick-or-treat and you weren’t in- you not to be afraid of. A house, check. 7. Dead Space 10. Silent Hill 2
vited to any parties because you have no A boat in a lake, check. A church, Dead Space is a third person sur- Silent Hill 2 for the Playstation 2
friends, video games are going to be check. A swamp, check. A secret labo- vival-horror game that takes place in, and Xbox puts players in control of
your only solace. I’m sorry; I didn’t ratory, check. All pants-wettingly terri- you guessed it, space. Well, maybe James Sunderland. James travels to the
mean that – you’re never too old to fying. spaceship would be a big more accurate, strange town of Silent Hill after receiv-
trick-or-treat. In honor of our spooki- 4. Fatal Frame but space just the same. In Dead Space, ing a letter from his wife, Mary. Mary
est of holidays, I’ve come up with a list A staple in survival-horror on the you play Isaac Clarke (named after has been dead for three years. Just from
of 11 games for you to play when you’re Playstation 2 and Xbox, Fatal Frame has famed sci-fi writers Isaac Asimov and the premise you can tell this game is
not busy answering the door to hand you battling ghosts and spirits with a Arthur C. Clarke), an engineer sent to going to be disturbing, and it does not
out candy, apples, and pennies to little different kind of weapon – a camera. investigate what happened to the min- disappoint. Most of the game consists
trick-or-treaters. But please, don’t be During the game you’ll play as Miku of exploring the town and encountering
that person who gives out healthy Hinasaki, a young girl exploring a mys- strange and disturbing monsters, in-
snacks, everyone secretly hates you. terious mansion looking for her miss- cluding the now infamous “pyramid
ing brother. The game, made by head.” While not as combat-heavy as
Japanese developer Tecmo, features all some of the other games on the list, it’s
of the creepy imagery you’d expect from more than deserving of its place here.
Japanese horror films. Just picture The 11. Dead Rising
Grudge or The Ring and you’ll know To round out the list I give you
what I mean. Dead Rising, a game that some would
5. Condemned: Criminal Origins view as a complete rip-off of 2004’s re-
A launch title for the Xbox 360, make of Dawn of the Dead, but I prefer
Condemned: Criminal Origins is oft to view it more of an homage. From
overlooked for its spectacular survival- that you can gather that the game takes
horror game play. Whereas most games place in a mall filled with zombies, and
have you doing battle with guns, Con- photojournalist Frank West is on the
demned has your fists do the talking. scene to figure out what the hell hap-
The game features an unrivaled first ing ship the USG Ishimura (I’ll give you pened. The game has a more light-
person melee combat system that brings a hint, there are aliens on it). Dead hearted tone than some of the other
1. Castlevania you face-to-face with the damage you’re Space sets itself apart from most other games here, and treats its subject mat-
I just had to start off my list with a doing. As Detective Ethan Thomas horror shooters by having you routinely ter with a perfect blend of humor and
classic – Castlevania for the NES. Re- (who is voiced by now-famous Heroes disobey the zombie movie’s creed – horror. Sure you can shoot a zombie in
live your childhood as Simon Belmont, star Greg Grunberg), your job is to find “Shoot it in the head.” You’ll need to use the face with a handgun, but wouldn’t it
smacking enemies in the face with your out who’s responsible for a series of special weaponry to strategically slice of be way funnier to hit him with a bowl-
trusty whip. Throughout your 8-bit ad- gruesome murders using special inves- limbs to stop the alien horde, forcing ing ball or a cactus?
venture, you’ll fight zombies, skeletons, tigative tools and laying the smackdown you to forgo your twitch reflexes and Well that’s it; I think you’ve got
bats and even Dracula himself! If on all of the crazy hobos and drug ad- think critically. enough stuff here to keep yourself en-
you’ve got gripes about battling these dicts who get in your way. 8. Luigi’s Mansion tertained into the wee hours of the
vintage villains, just picture them as all 6. F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin While it may not be too scary, night. However, I’m sure there’s one
those people who dressed like them in Brought to you by the folks who Luigi’s Mansion for the Nintendo Game-
their played-out Halloween costumes. made Condemned, F.E.A.R. is Mono- cube definitely has Halloween flair.
Oh, you’re a skeleton for Halloween? lith’s other survival-horror series. Armed with your high-powered vac-
Real original. uum cleaner the Poltergust 3000, it’s up
2. House of the Dead 2 to you to suck up ghosts and treasure
It may not have been the first, but it while you try to figure out where Mario
was definitely the best. House of the went.
Dead 2 was that game that sucked away 9. Left 4 Dead
all your spare quarters at the movie the- Left 4 Dead puts players into the
ater. In addition to the horrendous di- classic zombie-film scenario - an area is
alogue, not too much more can be said overrun with zombies and you’ve got to
about it that can’t be inferred from the shoot, shove, and blow up your way to
title – there’s a house, there’s some dead, freedom. In this first-person shooter
what’re you gonna do? Shoot ‘em in the from Valve, you play through a variety
face, that’s what! But please, don’t suffer of different campaigns set in different
like G did. areas made up to appear like films. question that’s been eating away at you
3. Resident Evil 4 F.E.A.R. 2, on the other hand, gives you You’ll be blasting zombies on a farm, in this whole time. Why eleven games?
Oh, let me guess, you thought I was a batch of guns and time altering pow- a hospital, and even in an airport. Well, here at the Stony Brook Press we
going to be the game-snob that picked ers to battle unnatural forces. F.E.A.R.2 Watch out for “special infected” – zom- like to give you a little more bang for
one of the first two games of the series, is pretty similar to the original F.E.A.R., bies that have mutated to give them su- your non-existent buck, so get ready to
right? Because, I mean, if it isn’t the but uses it’s modified engine to up the perhuman powers like extra-long get your pants scared off eleven differ-
original it just totally sucks. Wrong, this “fear” (har har) factor with it’s reality tongues to snatch you away from the ent ways from Sunday.
16 Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Press Presents:

A 1on1 with Sierra Hahn
penson, Georges Jeantes, ect.)? If so, what’s it like?
By David K. Ginn SH: I’ve worked closely with all of the creative teams
on the Joss-centric projects like Buffy, Serenity,
The Stony Brook Press was recently able to grab an in- and Sugarshock and the experience is hugely educa-
terview with Sierra Hahn, Associate Editor at Dark tional. Joss and the writers that he surrounds himself
Horse Comics. Sierra has worked extensively on many with are so talented, professional, and funny.
leading titles, most of which have been reviewed in past SBP: What’s your favorite moment in the Buffy series
issues of The Press. Those titles include Buffy the so far?
Vampire Slayer, The Goon, and the upcoming Dr. SH: I don’t know that I’ve had a favorite Buffy mo-
Horrible one-shot. Sierra was kind enough to chit the ment, but I’ve never been more excited about a story
chat with us, and we will share that chit chat with you arc than when Joss and Karl Moline reunited for Time
now. of Your Life, which features future Slayer Melaka Fray.
SBP: What are your duties as an Associate Editor at Fray was created by Joss and Karl just for comics sev-
Dark Horse Comics? eral years ago in the series Fray. That character is so
SH: Man, my duties as an associate editor evolve and tough, and smart, and cool; I was really stoked to see
change daily. Sometimes I’m in a more project man- her up against Buffy, and I looked forward to working
ager type of roll—moving different parts of a project with Karl Moline.
through different departments and creative types. I di- SBP: Were you a fan of the TV series before working
vide my time between editing my own projects (that is, on the comic? If not, has that changed at all?
projects I’ve acquired for Dark Horse) and assisting on SH: I was a fan of the TV series before I started work-
others. I get to acquire new projects from writers and ing on the comics. It’s still my favorite TV show. SBP: Having worked with new talent as part of your
artists whose vision I find compelling and see a read-
SBP: What’s your favorite moment from The Goon? job, what kind of advice would you give to aspiring
ership for. My favorite part of the job and why I’m an
editor is because I love working with people who have SH: I love The Goon: Chinatown. The book is so nar- writers and artists?
incredible ideas that I help nurture and grow. I help ratively and visually compelling. I read it in one sit- SH: I always try and encourage aspiring writers and
with the development of projects through story-edit- ting, couldn’t put it down and then digested the entire artists to keep working—practice, practice, practice.
ing scripts and critiquing sequential artwork. I’m often Goon saga shortly thereafter. I love working with Eric To critique your own work, to accept criticism, and to
asked if I want to be a writer, and if that’s why I chose Powell for a variety of reasons, but one thing that just find a style that works for you. Start a blog that houses
this profession, and my answer is an emphatic “no”. I makes me the happiest Goon reader, is Eric’s enduring your artwork and writing samples. If you’re only in-
love to edit. I love talking over ideas and encouraging love of creating comics. He’s not moonlighting in this terested in writing comics then get someone to illus-
people to express themselves on the page, and hope- business; he’s the real deal and I find more and more trate part of your story. Study! Keep a sketchbook and
fully motivate really great artists to be brilliant artists. that people aren’t creating comics out of a sheer love know how to draw a background, and a body. Read
of the medium, but to write for Hollywood or to get the greats like Eisner and Kirby and work to under-
SBP: Other than the main titles you work on, do you
their novel started. Don’t get me wrong—everyone has stand how their visual storytelling is the best there is.
have a favorite Dark Horse comic series? If so, what
to start somewhere, but it’s folks like Eric that I can SBP: Lastly, as it’s a long-standing Press tradition, I
is it?
count on as a reader to create really cool stories for must ask: do you find ‘your mother’ jokes funny?
SH: I love a lot of the projects that Dark Horse pub- years to come. Actor Ron Glass once pretended not to, and then
lishes, but my current obsession and love right now is
SBP: Personal time: what’s your favorite show on TV zinged us big time. We feel it’s important to gauge.
Beasts of Burden by Evan Dorkin and Jill Thompson.
right now? How about of all time? What are your fa- Feel free to leave this space blank.
It’s this wonderful world of cats and dogs who do some
vorite types of movies? Read any good books (of the SH: I think I’m on the fence when it comes to ‘your
seriously creepy paranormal investigating. It sounds
non-comic variety) lately? mother’ jokes. I haven’t heard one in a long time. Are
really childish when I put it like that. But even more
than any comic without anthropomorphic characters, SH: I don’t have a TV so I’m really behind on what’s people still saying that? Or did the ‘that’s what she said’
this series packs in more adventure, humor, horror and working right now expect to say that I play catch up replace it?
compassion than any comic that I’ve read in the last with DVD rentals. Last year/season I was obsessively The Press wishes to thank Sierra Hahn for this oppor-
year. It’s that good. I also appreciate that it’s a book watching the remainder of Battlestar Galactica, and tunity, and for her amazing taste in television. Thanks
that young readers and adults can totally get into. And I’ve just started Season Two of Mad Men. I catch up also to Dark Horse for arranging the interview. Keep
it’s painted by Jill Thompson. Breathtaking. with Dollhouse on Hulu. But Buffy is still the show sending those comics.
nearest and dearest to my heart, then Pee Wee’s Play-
SBP: Have you worked personally with Joss Whedon, David K. Ginn lives in a hole in the ground surrounded
and the writing/artwork team at Buffy (such as Jane Es- by Buffy posters and empty cans of Shasta cola.
The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 17

Trick ‘r Treat at Your Own Risk

a sense that it really is a community. It’s should stay on celluloid.
By Katie Knowlton a good way to give cohesion to the story,
while being able to tell many different
But the best writing in the
world would not make this
tales within one book. story work without great
Adaptations of any sort are a risky The story itself is quite dark and artwork, and luckily Trick ‘r
proposition. There’s always the high risk twisted. As mentioned before, it takes Treat has it in spades.
of not being true to the source material place in a Halloween centered town and The art in this book is
and pissing off some fan, who will no has four different story lines within it. perfect for the tone of the
doubt trash the adapter quite promi- Each of these stories has their own spe- tale. Four different artists
nently (generally with bad grammar cial twist at the end, so even if you see it were used, one for each
and spelling) on the Internet machine. coming, you don’t know exactly what chapter. All manage to cre-
However, the comic book adaptation of that twist will be. As evidenced by the ate creepy, spooky locales
Trick ‘r Treat, a horror movie that sat on sheer number of times I have said and imaginings of charac-
the studio shelf for quite some time be- “story” within this review, this is a ters. There are dark colors
fore getting a very limited release this story-driven comic. Characters defi- and great use of shadow, as
year, appears to remain faithful to the nitely take a backseat to telling some one would expect for a
film, while exploring the opportunities great spooky tales. They are mostly one comic book about Hal-
the comic format provides. dimensional with little-to-no backstory, loween. Christopher
I have not seen Trick ‘r Treat, but but they all serve their purpose in driv- Gugliotti, the artist for the
based on the many reviews and syn- ing forward the individual chapters. third chapter, uses almost
opses I have read, the comic book adap- Normally this would bother me, but an entire autumn palette of
tation sticks to the story almost to a T. seeing as this is an adaptation of a red, orange, black and
Originally it was released as a four part movie, a horror movie at that, it’s not brown. It’s more subtle than you would thing. The sketchy style gives a great
series with each issue being a chapter, such a big deal. Also, there are serial probably imagine and it is a great effect, sense of speed and confusion. The art
divided like the movie is. The story re- killers, werewolves and undead ghost especially when the blood starts to fly on this book is exactly what someone
volves around a suburban town that is children, so the amount of Halloween against dark backgrounds. Though the should want in a horror comic.
very in to celebrating Halloween. It’s a awesome in one tiny volume definitely best artist of the bunch has to be Fiona Trick ‘r Treat is a great comic on its
community steeped in tradition. The outweighs any downsides to a story-dri- Staples. Her sketchy style is perfect for own outside of the film. I was incredibly
town just seems to stop to celebrate All ven book. Marc Andreyko has done a the action packed fourth chapter. The entertained, even having not seen the
Hallows Eve. There is no main protago- great job in translating a movie to the main character, Mr. Kregg, is skeletal film. I recommend it to anyone looking
nist, rather this is an ensemble book. comic format, not necessarily a huge and exudes an old and mean spirit be- for something to really get them in the
The main characters of each chapter leap, but one that a surprising number fore he even says a word. There is a lot Halloween spirit. Just watch out for
have some limited contact with the of people manage to screw up. He gets of fast paced action in a fight scene be- those demon-child things, ‘cause they’ll
characters of the other chapters, giving what works in comic books and what tween Mr. Kregg and a demon-child kill you with a lollipop.

I Want You...To Read This Awesome Comic

Uncle Sam first came out in 1997, at a time before
By Alex Nagler the nation was plunged into Lewinskygate and a time
before the Bush Administration. It espouses a view of
America that liberals will love and conservatives will
Steve Darnall and Alex Ross’s Uncle Sam plants the hate, criticizing it more than it praises. Alex Ross’s art-
titular character in modern world to look at the land work resembles that of a perverted Norman Rockwell,
that has been created in his image. Sam wakes up delu- taking in all that was perceived to be good about
sional in a big city hospital, spitting out sound bytes America and casting a harsh light showing the harsh
from campaigns of yesteryear. After escaping the hos- truths of American life.
pital, he’s brought face-to-face with America, a land far Sam isn’t exactly a superhero. He uses the super-
uglier than he remembers or as ugly as it was when he hero archetype of a symbol rising to combat evil that
existed. He’s not certain. seeks to destroy him, but he doesn’t have any powers
Sam finds himself bouncing through American outside of the symbolic world and the past. To those
history; one moment he’s in the present, the next he’s in who observe him, he’s a dotty old man who has lost his
a limo in Dallas, a lynching in Louisiana, or a snowy mind. His quest, as is the quest of all heroes, is to be
battlefield outside of Massachusetts, seamlessly transi- master of both worlds and gain his freedom to live.
tioning between the scenes in a single continuous nar- Sam is the American Questerhero come to reclaim
rative. He meets his modern doppelganger, a man also what was rightly his, and Steve Darnall does a fantas-
claiming to be Uncle Sam at a political rally. At this tic job bringing this story to light.
rally, Sam hears something different than everyone Uncle Sam is now available in hardcover format
else. He hears about the America that the imposter under the deluxe edition. Deluxe contains a history of
Sam has created in his absence and is imprisoned when the Uncle Sam character in American folklore and
he tries to assault Sam. From there, he meets a weary original pencils by Alex Ross. It costs $19.99, but is
Britannia, a disappointed Columbia, a fragile Russian worth it. Unless you have a deep-seated hatred of
bear, and a distraught Marianne, and must finally con- Howard Zinn or think America can do no wrong, pick
front the other Sam, who is the true owner of America. it up.
18 Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

That Time I Almost Enjoyed Terminal 5

solo material that was a bit more “ma-
By Katie Knowlton ture.” The result is whiny, awful singer-
songwriter garbage that tries very, very
hard to sound like Bruce Springsteen
It’s pretty rare that someone gets to and Ryan Adams, but fails miserably. It’s
see their two favorite bands on the same shallow and overly emotive in the pu-
night, let alone on the same bill. But bescent poetry sense, but with Ameri-
such was the fortunate case for me Oc- cana stereotypes instead of “emo” ones,
tober 15, when Murder By Death and or whatever you want to call it. He has
The Gaslight Anthem came to Terminal an album called The Fine Art of Self De-
5 in Manhattan. struction for god’s sake! And another
First opener Broadway Calls called Glitter in the Gutter! And a song
brought a high-energy start to the show. called “Black Haired Girl,” which pretty
The three piece pop-punk outfit from much takes Van Morrison’s “Brown-
Oregon is fairly straightforward, play- Eyed Girl” and puts shitty lyrics over it.
ing power chord driven songs about The one upside of this set was the lead
friends, shows and being on the road. guitarist looked like he might’ve at one
Gaslight Anthem’s SideOne Dummy point played for Whitesnake. So, over-
label-mates, Broadway Calls played a all, Jesse Malin was a bad experience,
good mix of songs from their first and I don’t recommend it to anyone.
album and their recently released Good Ever.
Views, Bad News. Guitarist Ty Vaughn Fortunately, Murder By Death
and bassist Matt Koenig traded gruff came on next. They are my favorite Murder By Death
lead vocals and shared some great har- band. I had the chance to see them last
monies. But I was most impressed by February, when they headlined the
Robert Baird, the drummer. He made Bowery Ballroom and played two al- of Johnny Cash, Turla led the band and the words “The Gaslight Anthem”
the most of a very minimalist three- bums straight through. This time through four albums worth of material. led to huge cheers from the 2,000+per-
piece kit, with only one crash/ride cym- around, it was more of a typical set list: They played another of my favorite son crowd. Then came “Girls Just Want
bal. Expecting standard pop-punk a mixture of songs from their four LPs. songs, “A Master’s in Reverse Psychol- to Have Fun,” which led to some amuse-
drumming, straight forward and fast, When they opened with “Sometimes ogy” off of Who Will Survive, And What ment and confusion, along with a lot of
he blew away my notions by integrating The Line Walks You” from their third Will Be Left Of Them, and judging by sing alongs and awkward dancing.
some interesting beats and fills into full-length album, In Bocca al Lupo, my the reaction of the few others who were Then Gaslight Anthem walked out and
songs that could’ve easily been suffi- favorite song of theirs, I knew it was singing along loudly with raised fists, it’s cut right into the middle of Cyndi Lau-
ciently played with the aforementioned going to be a good set. They played also a favorite of many others. About per’s pop hit with the opening chords of
pop-punk style. Before this show I was most of their hardest hitting songs, halfway through their set, Turla stopped “High Lonesome.” The room exploded
vaguely familiar with Broadway Calls, many fan favorites, making the most of to play a song by himself, a cover of as bodies began shoving into one an-
and I really enjoyed their song “Suffer their 40 or so minute set. Murder By Sonny Bono’s (yes, that Sonny Bono) other, not relenting until the very last
The Kids,” which they played. After Death is a great mixture of Western- “Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)” note was played over and hour later.
their set, I can say that I am full-on fan tinged rock, explosive post-rock, like which kept in the tradition of the eerie, The Gaslight Anthem is my definition
and I was not the only convert in the Explosions in the Sky, but with vocals somber feel that many renditions have of rock ‘n’ roll. They play Americana
crowd. They don’t reinvent the genre, with a classical dash for good measure, kept over the years. The most surpris- tinged punk: Bruce Springsteen mixed
and that’s perfectly fine because they do curtesy of cellist/pianist Sarah Balliet. ing song of the night, however, was the with The Clash mixed with your fa-
pop-punk very well. They hit themes of redemption and sin, closer, “Those Who Stayed,” an instru- vorite pop-punk band. And they don’t
Next up was Jesse Malin and his good and evil, whiskey and the devil. mental track from their first full length disappoint. You have to see The
backing band who wasted the longest During breaks between songs guitarist Like The Exorcist, But With More Break- Gaslight Anthem live because half of
40 minutes of my life. Malin is the for- and vocalist Adam Turla talked about dancing. It’s not an uncommon song on understanding them as a band is being
mer frontman of New York-based punk how most of their songs were drinking their set lists, but it was still a bit of a in a pit with hundreds of people you
and hardcore bands, like Heart Attack songs, ushering a big response from the shock and very exciting to hear this don’t know and screaming the words to
and D Generation. Somewhere along crowd. epic, four minute-long post-rock mas- every single song in someone’s face.
the line, he decided he wanted to play With his deep baritone reminiscent terpiece that builds and breaks more Thanks, kid in the grey waffle knit for
than once. It also was a great showcase singing along with me.
for Balliet, one of the most mesmeriz- During the course of their 19-song
ing musicians I’ve ever seen. She set, Gaslight Anthem played almost all
seemed to get into a trance that sucks in of their critically-acclaimed sophomore
everyone in the audience, even those album, The ’59 Sound. Many of the
who seemed indifferent to the band. problems I had with the production of
This was an amazing set and a great fol- that full-length album, namely vocal-
low-up to the performance I saw last ist/guitarist Brian Fallon’s reverb-
winter. They alone were worth the price drenched vocals, were rectified live. The
of my ticket. More people should be songs sounded like they should have in
paying attention to these guys because the first place—a little raw, but with a
they play music that’s pretty unique, and hell of a lot of heart. Some of the high-
good to boot. lights included “The Patient Ferris
Finally came the time that the en- Wheel” and “Casanova, Baby,” two of
tire crowd was waiting for. A large black the more popular songs of the album.
banner with a white ship sailing the seas Because they aren’t hitting their home
The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 19

Florence Ex Machina
a stand out on the album. The lyrics
By Kelly Pivarnik read like poetry and are in simple terms
– beautiful: “And in the dark, I can hear
your heartbeat/ I tried to find the
London native Florence Welch and sound/ But then it stopped, and I was in
her band, Florence and the Machine, fi- the darkness, /So darkness I became.”
nally debuted on the west side of the At- This is why Florence is so special. Very
lantic Tuesday, October 20th with their rarely does one find an artist that seam-
album Lungs. The 27-year-old lessly can combine off-beat, quirky
songstress gained popular attention lyrics with such a commanding voice.
when her single “Kiss with a Fist,” was Equally clever, “I’m Not Calling You
featured in the Megan Fox horror/ porn A Liar” expresses the fearfulness one ex-
film Jennifer’s Body. Despite this, their periences when entering a new rela-
album holds plenty of promise, com- tionship, and the scary insecurities that
bining multiple musical styles whilst attach themselves to new intense feel-
maintaining their own air of originality. ings of love. Yet instead of the song
At first glance, Welch’s appearance veering in the direction of self-hate and
resembles that of indie goddess Jenny depression, Welch makes it into some-
Lewis, with vocals as soulful as Amy thing more upbeat. Lyrics like, “And freshing to hear in an era of pop-punk a Fist,” and the numerous festivals
Winehouse or Duffy, layered with lyrics when you kiss me/ I’m happy enough to emo-ness. played in Europe. To date, she’s sold out
that are both bizarre and poetically cyn- die,” only further set the tone. The Her charisma and star power has concerts in both Los Angeles and New
ical. music sets an atmosphere of hopeful- been made evident in her music videos York, proving Florence and the Ma-
With Bjork-esque theatrics, the ness rather than paranoia, which is re- like “Drumming Song” and “Kiss with chine are here to stay.
song “Cosmic Love” definitely becomes

the lead guitarist’s,

GASLIGHT continued from previous page
Alex’s, mom, and then
state of New Jersey during this tour, many New Jer- the band launched into
seyans were in attendance. As a result, songs, like “Drive,” my favorite song
“The Patient Ferris Wheel,” that make mention of Jer- of all time. From what I
sey got a huge response from the crowd. Early in the understand, it’s a rarity
set, Fallon got rid of his guitar for “Old White Lin- on their sets these days,
coln.” It was interesting to watch, as it seemed he did- although they’ve been
n’t really know what to do with himself without an playing it a bit more on
instrument to play. He awkwardly bounced around this tour. Nevertheless, I
the stage and gesticulated a bit wildly, but he was was amazed and shouted
more amusing to watch than anything else. He also my lungs out. Finally,
threw in a line from Tegan and Sara’s “Nineteen” they ended with what
right before the last chorus, which made me pretty Fallon said was the first
happy. After that he brought back his guitar and kept song they ever wrote to-
in on for the rest of the night. gether, “We’re Getting A
The most exciting parts came when the band Divorce, You Keep The Diner,” which has become Benny Horowitz had huge smiles on their faces the
played songs off their first full-length album, Sink or somewhat scare on their set list as of late. Most of the entire time, and they all seemed to be genuinely grate-
Swim, and their EP, Señor and The Queen. During the crowd was incredibly surprised and gave a loud cheer ful for the opportunity to play in front of so many
first part of the set, they only played three songs off when the song started, and another after the last people. It was refreshing to see a band that’s on the
their first album, much to my disappointment. Those chants of “It’s alright man, I’m only bleeding, road for most of the year still be in such high spirits.
songs are punkier and definitely more beloved by fans man/Stay hungry, stay free and do the best that you The Gaslight Anthem is a band not to be missed. The
who have been listening to The Gaslight Anthem can.” Fallon thanked the crowd and thus ended an tour has pretty much left the Northeast, but if you get
since before The ’59 Sound was released. Fortunately, amazing show. the chance, see them live; it’s a show not to be missed.
they made up for it during the encore when they Watching The Gaslight Anthem, I don’t think I’ve They have just announced a New Jersey show in De-
played “Blue Jeans and White T-Shirts” off of Señor ever seen a band have that much fun while perform- cember, their last for 2009. If you can make it, I highly
and The Queen, along with three songs off of Sink or ing. Sure, bands love to perform, especially to large recommend it.
Swim. Fallon announced one song was dedicated to crowds of adoring fans. But Fallon and drummer
20 Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

FIFA 10 Bends It like...That Guy

Another Slow but Steady Dent in America’s Hatred of Soccer
and allows you play through seasons with your club
By Nick Statt team of choice. All the changes can be found in the
cleaning up of the small, almost unnoticeable, aspects
of the game that just make everything run more real-
Let’s face it: soccer is almost entirely a lost cause istically.
here in America. In spite of all the obvious and con- A new feature that’s actually worth talking about
sistently used arguing points of fans and players alike, is the Game Face. In previous FIFA games, you could
such as soccer being the world’s most popular sport, it create your own player and use him or her in manager
will never even come close to baseball or football here mode or in online play. To add an even more personal
on the home front. It can’t match up with the amount touch, Game Face creation is a complex process
of culture and history that other American sports through EA’s website in which players can take photos
have, not to mention that its constantly stereotyped as of themselves and superimpose their faces onto that
a female-only activity or one for whining children, of their virtual player. Sounds incredible, right? The
driven around in vans helmed by their moms. Soccer more noticeable progress year after year. Since 2006 only problem—it’s hardly worked for anyone. Message
is essentially a foreign sport and that was demon- and the franchise’s introduction on the Xbox 360, EA boards are jam packed with complaints with all as-
strated ten fold in 2007 with the disastrous reception has made remarkable leaps in both game play and pects of the process—from synching the right email
of David Beckham’s U.S. arrival. quality. to your Xbox account to the browser not allowing the
However, in recent years, soccer has been able to FIFA 10, released on October 23 in the United transfer of the facial image even after it’s been fully
clench at least one new market: video game players. States, doesn’t offer much new material that’s worth constructed. Players can only hope EA steps up to fix
Enter the FIFA franchise - the only hope for soccer in- discussing. It’s not that it’s bad, but simply that it’s just the problems in a timely manner, or let a potentially
terest to progress. With the latest installment, FIFA 10, like all other EA sports games: a refinement of last amazing idea will go to waste.
soccer fans can rejoice for and indulge in this oft-ig- year’s installment. Overall, it’s a nearly perfect soccer If you’ve never played FIFA and are even remotely
nored passion. game for anyone who’s never played any of the recent interested in sports video games, you owe it to your-
Since 1993, FIFA games have been released annu- entries. The motion is alarmingly fluid, allowing for self to give it a try. It’s everything that great sports
ally by Electronic Arts (EA). Their only competition dazzling footwork displays and a control scheme that games should be: rewarding, frustrated, challenging,
have been the acclaimed European series, Winning lets you do close to anything with a soccer ball if your and blisteringly realistic. If you’re a member of the ma-
Eleven, which poses little threat to their popularity and hands can pull off the button techniques and joystick jority of Americans who find soccer to be the worst
acts much like the 2K sports series does to Madden swivels. The online play is almost flawless and you sport ever, then you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how
and NBA Live. After steadily rising to fame as the pri- hardly ever run into lagging problems or long wait enjoyable FIFA really is.
mary choice for soccer gaming, FIFA began to make times. The manager mode has undergone little change
The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 21

Video Game of the Fortnight - Toejam and Earl

in Panic on Funkotron Comic of the Fortnight – Deadpool #900
By Raina Bedford Toejam and Earl must collect hu- By Kenny Mahoney
mans in jars and send them back to
In the realm of classic games, Toe- earth aboard their spaceship. It’s the 90s all over
jam and Earl in Panic on Funkotron But the main reason I look back again! Dust off your
occupies a unique space in our collec- on Toejam and Earl with such fond walkmans, quit ogling
tive memory. The premise is this: memories is the music. It’s so damn Monica Lewinski and
Toejam and Earl accidently bring hu- funky! Seriously, download a Sega pick yourself up a copy
mans back to their native planet emulator and a Toejam and Earl rom of Deadpool #900.
Funkotron. The residents of and play it at parties. People will This week marks the
Funkotron are very upset and want thank you. “900th” issue featuring
the humans to go back to earth, so The game also has a unique sense Marvel’s only Merc
of humor. The whole with a Mouth. Okay,
premise is so ridicu- okay—you got me—It’s
lous that the entire not really his 900th
game becomes a par- issue, but it’s just Deadpool’s way of Deadpool is known for breaking
ody of itself. It also be- poking fun at all of the other big- the fourth wall with his schizo-
comes a parody of 90’s numbered issues to come out this year. phrenic-like dialogues between him-
culture. The style of Since Deadpool’s appearance in the self and the editor. His blend of
the game is so Fresh early 1990s in New Mutants #98, his comedy and action just cannot be
Prince of Bell-Air, you’ll popularity has been on the rise; partly found anywhere else. Issue 900 is a
want to grab a pair of due to his appearance in so many on- tribute to that, and this giant-sized
zebra striped jogging going series’, and partly because of his book features a couple of new original
pants and a bright pur- portrayal by my man-crush Ryan stories—including one drawn by
ple sweater and remi- Reynolds in the Wolverine: Origins Deadpool’s creator Rob Liefeld. Dead-
nisce about a more movie (it’s not a gay thing… but I’d to- pool #900 is a must-have for both die-
innocent time. tally do him). hard fans and comic book lovers.

Special Edition Spooky Hallowe’en Game of the Fortnight -

Alone In The Dark
By Chris Mellides remy had a penchant for cheap
alcohol, whores and the occult.
When I was nine years old, I re- Before the poor bastard hung
member hunching over my uncle’s himself, he unleashed unspeak-
mammoth IBM desktop computer and able evils upon the Derceto
inserting six or seven floppy discs, just mansion and now Edward has
so that I could play Infogrames’ classic to clean up the mess.
horror survival game, Alone in the In essence, Carnby’s mis-
Dark. sion is a simple smash and grab.
By today’s gaming standards, All you have to do is retrieve the
Alone in the Dark looks like horse ex- suicide note from the mansion’s
crement. It incorporates three-dimen- attic and walk out the front
sional renderings of characters and door. Simple. It’s too bad that
game items on fixed two-dimensional everything wants you dead and
maps and backgrounds, and every- dismembered along the way.
thing looks positively goofy now that I Among several of the games
started playing it again after nearly 20 assembled adversaries you get to
years. battle demons, zombies, and
You control either Edward Carnby, even a purple blob monster that
a private detective with an eye for the leaps out of the shitter to bite your face tation starring Christian Slater, who
supernatural, or some chick who’s ab- clean off the bone. The game develop- was cast as Carnby. That flick was pos-
solutely useless. So, anyway, Carnby ers had huge hard-ons for H.P. Love- itively terrible and Slater is a total hack.
gets stuck with the task of visiting this craft and his brand of horror is clearly If you want Alone in the Dark,
huge mansion out in the middle of evident in Alone in the Dark. stick with the 1992 computer game.
fucking nowhere to retrieve a suicide Despite all of its flaws, the game is Still, I can’t tell what’s scarier, the hor-
note written by the mansion’s former bona fide classic and I absolutely love ror movie inspired twists and creepy
owner, an eccentric painter named Je- it. Don’t confuse the original Alone in mood music, or the pixilated night-
remy Hartwood. As you start walking the Dark with its abysmal Xbox version mare world that you forcibly become a
through the game you realize that Je- or with the even crappier movie adap- part of every time you revisit the game.
22 Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Lightning Bolt – Earthly Delights (10/13/2009, like wizards. Chippendale continues his drum-and- be made more awesome. “Flooded Chamber” seems
Load Records) vocal work in what is more or less a solo drumming to have some Eastern influences on the high-pitched
project, Black Pus. Chippendale also contributes bass-shredding, similar to prolific Japanoise legends,
What a reader-conscious and accessible choice I drum-triggered pedal use, numerous vocal pedals, The Boredoms. It’s laced heavily with blood-curdling
made in picking a new album to review this week! and profuse sweating to other bands’ efforts. During feedback, as does the short track later, “Rain on Lake
Lightning Bolt’s music sounds exactly like their name this Spring’s No Fun Festival in New York, I witnessed I’m Swimming In.” If that isn’t your cup of tea, I be-
tells you it should, which is always something to re- Chippendale pile a ten-foot pyramid of some of the lieve that “Funny Farm” is the most accessible noise
spect about a band. They attack you, really hard. shittiest beat-up amps I’ve ever seen, bring out his rock song ever, with some kind of melodic yodeling
Anyone who thinks that a guitar is a necessary condi- piecemeal drum kit, and then just blow everyone away coming out of Chippendale’s mask before becoming
tion to the formation of a rock band is struck down with wild intense playing. He also stopped to intro- fucked up by all those effect pedals. It feels like they
by the sheer power of this Providence-based noise duce us to his ‘mouth guitar’ project, where he played should play “Funny Farm” on Yo Gabba Gabba! – no,
rock duo. There are only two members, drummer/vo- the air guitar over a drumstick and spat some pretty hell, take it right to Sesame Street. If you want to be
calist Brian Chippendale, and bass guitarist Brian Gib- sweet riffage through his effect pedals. One can never the “hip” aunt/uncle, introduce small children to this
son, and yet, the sound is so fucking intense. Another be sure if there will be an actual album of that. But song. In fact, the lyrics of Lightning Bolt are clean, or
common misconception is that you need a micro- even at that point in May, the unpredictable Lightning at least, I dare you to find a curse word otherwise. So
phone to sing in a band. Plenty of rock bands use Bolt had not let anyone know about a forthcoming if you want to have a badass kid, raise them on some
them (for singing and swinging, of course), and then album, while Internet fans salivated for more of ex- Lightning Bolt albums. On the other hand, Lightning
there’s Foot Village, an L.A. noise band (with whom actly the same. And then, hitting like that ghost train Bolt is inherently really loud, and damaging the hear-
Chippendale’s solo project Black Pus has a split sin- that runs over British people after they see a black dog ing of young children is not recommended. So maybe
gle), who makes use of a crazy chick screaming into a in the middle of the night, Earthly Delights was an- don’t do that. But you, the appreciator of an expan-
megaphone. Chippendale doesn’t really have any free nounced on the band’s MySpace and leaked on the In- sive variety of rock music, turn it up. Don’t mind me,
hands, so he did what any real creative genius would ternet a couple of weeks afterwards. I’ve already tuned out the tinnitus in my head. The
do and invented a solution. In this case, the solution Earthly Delights clocks in at 50:54 minutes, with penultimate “S.O.S.” is no less intense and sludgy with
is a home-sewn, bizarrely-colored luchador-like mask 9 tracks varying greatly in length. When the album mind-blowing drum insanity, before the twelve-plus-
with the broken receiver end of an old landline tele- was announced, the 7:14 multi-movement “Colossus” minute “Transmissionary” guides us through a sort of
phone stuffed near the mouth region. It can’t be pos- (I avoided saying epic) was distributed amongst the abridged history of Lightning Bolt, though their defi-
sible to get any more low-fidelity than that without blogs, and it made me nervous at first. I mean, I knew nition would be hard to pin down. The heavy grind-
deliberate attempts to do so. it was authentic Lightning Bolt and didn’t see them as ing and mathed-out almost-absurd drumming makes
A full decade since the band’s first full-length the type that would suddenly flop. But the first minute me not want to head-bang, but just bang my head
album, Lightning Bolt is truly a monument in a scene of the song dragged on for some length of time, like against things. In the best way possible.
that usually involves a revolving-door group of artists those situations in which you’re stuck in a room with Lightning Bolt’s prominence may be unknown to
on side-side-projects releasing two seven-inch singles not a single time-telling device. The minimal guitar you if you don’t follow noise music. I recall a friend,
and then, without officially disbanding, naming their work and vocal echoing was “doing nothing for me, a drone artist, discussing with an old-school punk
next project something different. Earthly Delights is brah.” I IMed to my friend who linked me to the mp3. how Lightning Bolt is the only great form of noise
the band’s fifth album and their first since Hypermagic In the next minute, fortunately, the track would pick rock. Again, that doesn’t exactly make them accessi-
Mountain in 2005. That’s not to say they haven’t been up to a sludgier guitar and dependable Chippendale ble to the average listener of popular Western music.
busy playing shows at construction sites on Wednes- drumming. At about the halfway point, Gibson starts You could say that they are the biggest fish in the small
day afternoons, or occupied with other side projects. to shred and produce waves of warbling guitar noise, pond of the noise scene, particularly among those
Gibson is an artist for Harmonix, producing music while Chippendale’s incomprehensible garbled vocals which arose from Providence. If it has not usurped
and notes for the Rock Band series, while drumming fill in any remaining portion of the atmosphere that New York’s title as the capital of noise rock—at some
in another band called Wizardzz who actually dresses had not already been brutalized. point in the mid-’90s, well after No Wave died out—
So I finally got around to listening then Providence is certainly a strong enclave. The
to the full album, opening with a se- Fort Thunder collective of artists, who began playing
verely distorted riff that seems like it together in an abandoned warehouse, consisted of a
should be recognizable, if only because number of artists, including both Brians, who went go
Gibson is probably taunting formulaic on to form various bands and projects, committing
rock and roll. The drum hits are so countless acts of noisy greatness in the years since. It
rapid-fire that Chippendale need not wasn’t always pretty. If I recall one of Lightning Bolt’s
abuse blast beats like you might find a cult-status VHS tapes correctly, one of the Brians had
cheap deathcore drummer attempting. a pet rabbit living in the warehouse, where a fixed-gear
If you can tolerate this to the 4:53 point, bike group was also working. A rusty bike fell, injur-
congratulations, you are likely capable ing the rabbit and prompted the saddened Brian
of appreciating the disgusting beauty in (whichever one it was) to swiftly put his poor pet out
all of Lightning Bolt’s filthy glory. Fol- of its misery. And that’s kind of what Lightning Bolt’s
lowing that, “Nation of Boar” and then music is like, too: it seems aggressive, it seems dirty, it
“The Sublime Freak” (which is fourth, seems to be anti-music at times, it offends your sensi-
after Colossus) never abandon the bilities, and yet it’s crafted with nothing but the great-
ultra-lo-fi trademark of Lightning Bolt; est passion for music in its rawest forms.
the band usually couldn’t be asked to An Aside On Drumming
record in a studio or any kind of proper
acoustic setting. If you listened to a re- I could have let this one take care of itself in letters
ally crappy low-bitrate mp3-rip of to the editors, but I’m going to respond to the feed-
some of these tracks, it might actually back of one Drew Tirella, who shot down my praise
The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 23

They are equally as important to the

LIGHTNING continued from previous page typical band as guitar and bass and
of Bruce Springsteen’s drummer, Max Weinberg. “He vocals (even though too many bands
is actually one of the most boring and uninspiring today play with the bassist so quiet,
drummers ever,” wrote our reader. This saddened my it’s ineffectual).
heart. (He didn’t name his favorite, so I can only hope I’m also not sure what makes a
it’s not as misguided as Travis Barker or something.) drummer inspiring, as our reader
Anyone could find the video of indie/dance-punk duo says. I hear Jeremiah Greene of Mod-
Death From Above 1979 performing on Conan est Mouse frequently mentioned by
O’Brien’s show a few years ago, when their drumming drummers. But I’d assume that’s a
half, Sebastien Grainger got up to focus on vocal du- function of Modest Mouse’s appeal.
ties, Weinberg hopped from his corner of the stage to This next one comes with the pre-
DFA1979’s drum kit, filling in perfectly to compli- apology to talented young drummers
ment the aggressive post-punk melody being torn out out there, of which I’m sure there are
by guitarist Jesse F. Keeler. If that’s not a demonstra- somewhere between hundreds and
tion of an innate drumming skill and versatility, I millions. For each super-cool Phil
don’t know what is. Full disclosure: I myself have lit- Collins fill on every Genesis song (be-
tional, is some of the coolest stuff in rock drumming
tle to no experience drumming, and I usually ruin the fore he really started to suck), there’s some idiot
right now. Even in Black Pus, the drums don’t make
song when my brother calls me over to sit in front of drummer “influenced” by him out there somewhere,
the band, the noise does.
the video-game pads to up their achievement points ruining countless attempts to start a rock band with
Keith Moon’s seat on the throne/stool as “The
in Rock Band on any difficulty beyond medium. the presupposition that drowning out all other sound
Greatest Drummer Ever” is indisuputable. But he, to
Being “progressive” doesn’t make your favorite with blasts and fills makes everything sound better.
his detriment, is dead. I didn’t intend to turn this into
prog-rock band’s drummer the greatest. Neil Peart, is Drums are the driving force of a rock song, but
a forum on drumming, but if you want to accost my
good; I’ll give you Rush fanatics that much, so you do that doesn’t make them the center. So adequacy can,
rock aesthetics in shorter prose, I can be found on
not pelt me with beverages if you ever see me. The in rock and roll, often make the perfect drummer for
Twitter as @stvx.
more modern kids all love Tool’s Danny Carey; he is a particular song or sound altogether. I think the sub-
pretty good, but I don’t get why the band has to liter- tle addition of jazz drumming elements that Bryan
ally put him on a pedestal. Drums are not everything! Devendorf brings to the indie rock band, The Na-

A Love Letter To Heavy Metal

porer Doviculous (Tim Curry). Riggs is
By Eric DiGiovanni assisted by a group of freedom fighters
called Ironheade and also The Guardian
of Metal (voiced by Ozzy Osbourne). It’s
Another game that I can play, a good story, but the second half falters
Another word I learn to say, a bit, and it felt like more could have
Another bloody foreign coast, been done to diversify the experience.
Another set of scars to boast, The gameplay switches between straight
We Are The Road Crew up action sequences in an open world
-Motorhead and a real-time strategy portion dubbed
“stage battles.” The latter concept is by
Get this game right the fuck now. I far the most interesting, but if you play
don’t care if you rent it or buy it, because these sections like a traditional RTS,
you have never played anything like it. you’re going to lose. In a way, the single
Having said that, I liken the game to the player game slowly introduces you to
movie adaption of Watchmen: not per- the stage battles, which is the core of the
fect, but the best we’re going to get given multiplayer. I found these sections in-
the circumstances. teresting enough as a refresher from the
Brutal Legend is made by Double typical hack n’ slash, but not interesting (one character is named Lita Halford, to launch off a ramp and have King Di-
Fine Studios, headed by Tim Schafer. enough to try out in multiplayer. Even after Lita Ford and Rob Halford). Now, amond wail “GRAAAAAAAAAAND-
Schafer was a LucasArts alum who then, the control can get a little wonky. I’m not a real huge fan of metal because MAAA!” over the in-game radio.
worked on classic adventure games such In “normal” missions as well as the stage most modern bands devolve into inco- I can’t recommend this game
as The Secret Of Monkey Island and Ma- battles, you have various minions, like herency, trying to growl louder, mash enough, not just because of the experi-
niac Mansion, and his most recent proj- “headbangers,” who with their thick bass pedals faster, and play solos that ence, but because of what it represents.
ect before Brutal Legend was the necks provide basic melee assistance, or sound like someone plugged a Guitar Going back to my earlier point, the
highly-acclaimed, but not-that-highly “roadies” who are invisible to turret fire Hero controller into a MIDI program Watchmen movie was an advertisement
selling Psychonauts. and can destroy buildings with a wall of and just started flailing on buttons. But for the graphic novel. Brutal Legend, at
You play as Eddie Riggs (a thank- feedback. Occasionally, you have to Brutal Legend changed that (sorta). The least for me, was an advertisement for
fully reined-in Jack Black), a roadie for choose a specific type of unit to get an songs fit in perfectly with the medieval heavy metal, and the artwork thereof. If
crap-rock band Kabbage Boy (think a objective done, but it’s impossible with a world, and actually work to accentuate this game gets you to start listening to
combination of Linkin Park and Fallout controller, since you have to hold a but- the missions. Riot’s “Road Racin’” plays an awesome new band, to try one of
Boy). When the stage collapses on him ton, turn around, walk up to the unit when you have to race against time to Tim Schafer’s other under appreciated
and some of his blood gets on to his belt you want to choose, turn around again, deliver bass strings to the Killmaster gems, or to not only turn off American
buckle, it releases a giant demon that set a beacon, and command your (played by Lemmy from Motorhead) so Idol and Top 40 Radio, but smash ‘em,
destroys everything and sends him to troops. he can heal an ally. You drive a hot rod set ‘em on fire, and let Satan take over
another world. The people of this world The entire game is a love letter to out of collapsing ruins to Dragonforce’s for DJ, then the game did its job.
are oppressed by General Lyonwhyte heavy metal and is thick with references “Through the Fire and Flames.” There
(Rob Halford of Judas Priest) and Em- are no words to describe how sweet it is
24 Comics & Games Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The Stony Brook Press Comics & Games 25

I’m so depressed, I don’t know what to do...

Go for it, Man!

The Go club meets this
semester every Tuesday
and Thursday, 8:00pm at
the Library Commuter
Lounge. Check it out!

Black to move, kill Whitey! Last issue’s solution

26 Comics & Games Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Jack Off”

The Stony Brook Press Comics & Games 27

Jackie Chan-’o-Lantern
costumes Shades By Matt Willemain

will be mistaken for

this halloween

10 Blues Brother 3000

9 That “Socialite” comic guy

8 An unmacho Macho Man

Randy Savage

Geordi La Forge
6 A white Kanye West
A serial stalker
A Power Ranger
3 An old lady with cataracts

A sexually repressed, latent
1 homosexual doofus
28 Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Scandal, Scandal, Beer Is Present In College
As Voltaire
said, “I don’t
agree with what
you’re market-
ing but I will
defend to the
death your right
Michelle to market it”*
Bylicky * Vo l t a i r e
never said that
(as far as we
Anheuser-Busch, the producers of
Bud Light, have managed to draw the
ire of a growing number of college ad-
ministrators. Well, more so than usual
anyway. The current controversy is over
Anheuser Busch’s new marketing cam-
paign, which the company refers to as
‘Team Pride.’ Anheuser-Busch has
started producing Bud Light cans in the
colors of college football teams. It re-
cently unveiled a purple and yellow can,
the colors of Louisiana State University
and has proceeded to market the can at colors. One senior, Michelle (who re- sporting events are not? school colors of red and white (and
and around the university. There are fused to give her last name), when asked One argument is that SBU and black, which isn’t a school color but bear
currently 27 different color combina- if she thought binge drinking would re- other college campuses are known to with me)? Because obviously, the stu-
tions of Bud Light cans available and sult from the production of Stony Brook have a majority of underage drinkers. dent wouldn’t realize that he shouldn’t
they are being marketed to different ‘Team Cans’ responded, “Sure, students The key phrase is “reasonable expecta- try to put it in his mouth since it’s
universities across the country. nowadays just accept what’s in front of tion.” For example, if an individual coats clearly endorsed by the university (just
Carol Clark, Anheuser-Busch’s VP them, it [the ‘team cans’] would give himself in a meat based product and look at its colors) and if it bites him and
of social responsibility is quoted in The them a reason to drink”. climbs into the lion pen (which actually poisons him, well, that would be a sur-
Wall Street Journal saying that painting However, other students remain has lions) at a zoo, there is a reasonable prise.
the cans in a school’s colors will “con- more skeptical about the effect the expectation that he will be eaten. In I am not stating that Anheuser-
nect with fans of legal drinking age in ‘team cans’ would have on a college contrast, being attacked by a lion on a Busch or its marketing campaign is act-
fun ways in select markets across a va- campus. When asked if he thought crowded city street in Manhattan is not ing according to the spirit of the laws
riety of sports.” Ooookay, what I got ‘team cans’ would lead to underage or something an individual could reason- (they have plenty of well paid lawyers to
from that statement was ‘we’re going to binge drinking at or around campus, ably expect. See how this works? Now argue against this claim I’m sure). Their
sell you beer and you’re going to buy it senior engineering student Alex Poz- back to beer; Anheuser Busch knows, or campaign is an attempt to parasitize off
and drink it at sporting events.’ Now I’d nanski laughed outright and said, should know that, generally speaking, of a school’s attempts to form a com-
never consider myself anti-capitalist, if “We’ve got both of those things already,” only the seniors and maybe some jun- munity by borrowing school colors and
the students want to buy beer and the he laughed, “Just come to my suite on a iors at any college are going to be old pasting those colors on a can in an at-
beer company produces cans in more Thursday night.” enough to drink. This means that tempt to link their product to school
appealing colors that attract more stu- While the question of how SBU stu- roughly three quarters of the school is spirit. But let’s be honest, shouldn’t col-
dents, fine. The beer company sells its dents would react to ‘fan cans’ seems to underage, which means that there is a lege students be able to recognize that
product and makes money while the be a moot point considering that An- reasonable expectation that a student just because something is draped in
students get beer and a can in the school heuser Busch will not be producing any who sees these ‘team cans’ will not be school colors doesn’t mean that it nec-
colors. No matter how you spin it, it’s a cans in our school colors, this market- old enough to drink legally. essarily symbolizes the school? Sure
win-win situation, right? ing scheme raises a few interesting I’m concerned by this assumption Anheuser Busch will likely sell more of
Apparently The Man doesn’t think questions. When does the marketing of that college students are being consid- its product with this marketing plan,
so. Roughly 25 college presidents in- alcohol or other controlled substances ered gullible victims in the news articles but does that actually mean that there
cluding SBU’s Samuel Stanley have op- go overboard? When is it considered I read. Underage and binge drinking al- will be increased binging and underage
posed the sale of ‘team cans’ also called outrageous or immoral? Certainly, put- ready occur on campus and I don’t be- drinking as a result? If it could be
‘fan cans’ in and around their respective ting a commercial for cigarettes during lieve that any underage student drinks proven that this campaign did not lead
colleges. The fear among college offi- a time slot for Dora the Explorer would with the assumption that what they are to an increase in drinking, would they
cials is that these ‘fan cans’ will lead to lead to a scandal. But showing a com- doing is legal or supported by the uni- still be considered in the wrong for not
binge and underage drinking on college mercial of happy, good-looking people versity. But just because a beer company doing more to discourage underage and
campuses. College administrators also imbibing alcohol during a sports game slaps on a new color scheme that binge drinking? At what point does re-
worry that Bud Light cans with a on broadcast television is fairly com- matches a team’s colors doe it mean that sponsibility shift from the beer makers
school’s colors will confuse students and mon, yet we know children, younger suddenly the student body is thrown to the students or, are we to assume that
convince them that team pride is than college students who are watching into confusion as to whether or not the as long as there is underage and binge
proven by drinking alcohol. Some stu- the game will invariably see this beer school thinks it’s okay to drink? Does drinking, it is the fault of the beer com-
dents on the SBU campus agree that commercial. Why then are ‘fan cans’ this also mean we ought to worry about pany?
more out of control drinking will result being condemned for convincing un- an SBU student who happens upon a
if these fan cans were produced in SBU derage individuals to drink whereas live Arizona Coral snake and assume
commercials for alcohol at regular that it must be safe since it’s wearing the
The Stony Brook Press 29
Is Anyone Going As The Swine For Halloween?
Drum roll please…And the and chaos and they’re all looking for the culprit who you’re absolutely miserable. The weird thing is the
award for the scariest Hal- started this whole mess in order to blame the fear swine flu is just like the regular seasonal flu. The sea-
loween costume of 2009 goes they’re experiencing. sonal flu kills 250,000 to 500,000 people every year but
to...the swine flu! You know that There comes a time every year when you get the we don’t see people morphing into a state of hysteria
virus going around that clogs up flu and your nose is running, your throat is sore and over it. So why are people so afraid of the swine flu?
your nose with The reason for this is that a new strain of the
boogers, makes you flu virus can spread quickly and because peo-
Lauren feel like there’s ple don’t have a natural immunity to it and it
Dubinsky someone jack ham- takes a while to create vaccines. The World
mering in your head Health Organization went as far to say that
and you’re going to cough up a lung? That the swine flu has “pandemic potential.” A flu
seems to be what’s scaring most people pandemic in 1968 killed one million people
these days. Who cares about Jason running worldwide and another one in 1918 killed 100
around with a machete killing people? million people. If that doesn’t scare the crap
And the mysterious man in a ghost mask out of you, I don’t know what will. Being a
going around killing high school students germaphobe comes in handy now because if
in Scream? Or even Chucky, the possessed your washing your hands 50 times a day,
killer-doll that never seems to die? Instead, avoiding sick people at all costs and shying
we’re afraid of a tiny H1N1 virus that away from contaminated surfaces you can al-
seems to have the same effect as the sea- most guarantee you won’t be contracting any
sonal flu. But nevertheless, you can’t deny viruses anytime soon. Fortunately, there are
that if you saw a virus like that walking vaccines now to prevent this flu but of course
down the street, you would run away as there is always a problem. Four in ten parents
fast as your feet would let you. don’t plan on having their children vaccinated
The million-dollar question is how did because they’re concerned about it’s safety.
this fear of the swine flu come about? The So, why not dress up as the swine flu on Oc-
whole world is in a constant state of panic tober 31st? Maybe you can create a replica of
over this virus and they are in desperate the virus using some fabric and pipe cleaners.
need of blaming someone because that’s Or you could find a pig costume and run
what we all do when we panic. Mexico is around town “oinking” at everyone you pass.
over there saying it came from us, but we’re You could also powder yourself to look really
over here saying it came from them. Well, pale, somehow make your nose run uncon-
the truth of the matter is it all started with trollably and give yourself the worst case of
those cute and cuddly animals that we call “bed head” possible to create the illusion that
pigs. That’s how the swine flu got it’s name. you have the swine flu. The possibilities are
Swine are pigs so it only makes sense. It endless, but the main theme remains. This
was thought that it all started at an Amer- costume is a safe bet at scaring everyone at the
ican owned pig farm in Mexico called Halloween party you go to this year. But if you
Smithfield Foods facility, but that idea was decide you would rather go the funny route
shut down when Mexico’s agricultural de- inside of the scary one, you can always dress
partment stepped in and said it wasn’t true. up as “Balloon Boy.”
Everyone is in an extreme state of panic

Celebrating A Bit Too Soon

Accompany- roughly $1.9 billion, but $100,000 is still money is just going to go to new build- said that the power of SBU isn’t in its
ing the inaugu- a large amount of money and spending ings, hotels, and campus events that buildings; it’s in the high caliber of its
ration of Stony roughly $2,000 per event seems to be a they’ll never attend or use? I attended faculty. I respectfully disagree. You can
Brook Univer- frivolous waste of money at best. Stu- the inauguration of Stony Brook’s fifth have a faculty of Nobel Peace Prize-win-
sity’s fifth pres- dents have reported holes in their dorm president, and guess how many actual ning nuclear physicists, but if they can’t
ident, Samuel rooms, which rats have come through. SBU students I saw there? I would esti- educate students, if they can’t even
L. Stanley Jr., And guess what? The holes are still mate about 20 in a crowd of 2,000. speak English, what good is a high qual-
Raina was a week- there. Roosevelt Quad is absolutely di- His message was for faculty and for ity staff?
Bedford long celebra-
tion including
lapidated and many other quads are also
in need of repairs.
SBU’s future. A poignant point in the
inauguration ceremony was when
Students should remain skeptical of
the new president’s policies, and the fact
nearly 50 Yet Roosevelt sits in the shadow of a Dylan Selterman, the president of the that this school thinks it’s a good idea to
events. It cost the university $100,000 new quad complex, and the entire cam- Graduate Students Organization, said spend $100,000 on inaugural celebra-
total to throw this celebration, but with pus sits in the shadow of plans for a new that the power of SBU is in the students. tions when there are obviously a lot of
tuition increases on the horizon and the hotel. The expansion of SBU is no He asked that Stanley not forget the other problems on campus. The em-
current budget crisis, is this really the doubt good for the university’s future, challenges that graduate students face, phasis on research, research, research
best way to allocate the university’s re- but in the meantime, students are get- as graduate students demonstrated out- may come at the expense of our educa-
sources? ting shortchanged and put on the back- side the inaugural ceremony. They are tion. And the emphasis on expansion
Admittedly, $100,000 isn’t that burner. considered employees of SBU and they also comes at the expense of current
much when you consider that the uni- Why should students be happy haven’t had a contract since 2007. SBU students.
versity’s yearly operating budget is about a tuition increase when their In his inaugural address, Stanley
30 Opinion Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Make your opinion heard! Write for The Stony Brook Press. Meetings Wednesdays 1pm
Union Building Room 060

Attention Moviegoers: Please Shut Up!

Ah, the cin- time. Of course, it’s just the previews, so havior because not doing so will lead to wanted to hear what the next character
ema. One of it’s not like they’re talking through the an argument later. Not satisfied with said, or you know, in case everyone in
America’s oldest movie. I like watching the previews, but having the plot explained to them, they that particular quadrant of the audience
and greatest insti- a lot of people don’t, so if I hush them insist on asking their partner for details missed it.
tutions. It’s a place now I’m just being a jerk. They’ll stop he couldn’t possibly know, since they This person is not usually so diffi-
where dreams un- when the movie begins, right? haven’t actually been explained in the cult to deal with since his or her party
ravel on the But they don’t. They keep talking movie yet. But they wouldn’t know that, will be embarrassed by this behavior
Dan DePuy screen, where you through the opening credits. They keep since they can’t pay attention to what’s and will reinforce your “Shhh!” How-
can munch on talking through the scary parts, the going on to begin with. This person also ever, The Commentator has no control
some tasty pop- funny parts and the exciting parts. You seems to believe that they have a natural over his or her outbursts and will con-
corn with one hand in the popcorn bag wonder what they’re doing here and inborn right to talk through the entire tinue to do them unconsciously even
and the other around your sweetheart. why they paid good money to sit down movie, responding to “Shhh!” and “Shut after his or her friends have dumped the
There is nothing quite like losing one- and not watch a movie. Is it for the priv- up!” with indignance. entire contents of the jumbo popcorn
self in a movie, being charmed by the ilege of ruining my evening? Did their The only way to stop this behavior on his or her head. I first encountered a
charismatic lead or feeling genuinely parents get so fed up with them that is through their significant other, who rare bilingual Commentator at a screen-
angry at the villain’s nefarious plot. they threw them each $20 and said, “For will become terribly embarrassed once ing of Wall-E. My urge to gravitate to vi-
Because I enjoy movies so much it fuck’s sake, go see a movie?” everyone around them realizes how to- olence was sated only by a very
is all the more sad that within recent Let me get this out of the way right tally whipped they are. “Hey Buddy,” I successful shooshing, though an occa-
years my theater going experiences have now: Nothing infuriates me more than would like to say “Why take her to a sional “Oh my god!” or “Aye, dios mio!”
become exponentially more unpleasant. still managed to creep out until the end
No, it’s not due to the cornucopia of of the film.
awful movies that are rushed out to the- The Texter: That’s right, I’m talking
aters by studios hoping to turn a quick about you with the cell phone. Do you
profit with the smallest effort possible. really need to be doing that right now?
It’s not even a one-two punch in the kid- Don’t give me any crap about how it
neys because of the totally ridiculous doesn’t make any noise. It’s not the noise
price of admission and its follow-up I’m concerned about. It’s the fact that
right cross, the insane price of conces- your extremely bright LED screen grabs
sions. Rather, it’s a flaw that permeates my peripheral vision every time you flip
every corner of our existence as part of the thing open and I really don’t mean
a society, the one thing that can screw to be nosy, but if Brad wants to go to the
up any experience, any task, any er- party without Janet, that’s his own
rand... the unavoidable pest that strikes damned business and you certainly
whenever and wherever it can without don’t need to be discussing it while I’m
warning. The scourge of which I speak trying to keep my eyes focused on the
is all around us at all times. There’s no screen.
escaping it and some might even argue Did you know that long ago in a far
that we couldn’t do without it: other peo- away land people actually left the house
ple. people who talk during movies. If you movie? Why not just give her a ball of without a phone? I know, God forbid
I’m sure you’ve been there. You find can’t remain quiet for 90 minutes, you yarn and let her go to town?” But I try you should do that now. Look, if your
a seat in a particularly crowded movie have a serious problem and need med- to avoid getting into fistfights at movies. life is so tenuously strewn together that
theater, probably closer to the screen ication. Also, you should not be any- That would really ruin the experience. I being disconnected from your lame,
than you’d like to be. If you’re anything where near a movie theater. Go rent a first encountered this character when I self-absorbed attention-whoring friends
like me, you don’t feel the need to show DVD and torture your own friends and saw the first Lord of the Rings movie. I for two hours is going to cause the en-
up 30 minutes early for a movie until family. I paid $11 to see this movie, and had no choice but to tell him to be quiet. tire thing to come crashing down you
you get there and you realize that every- unless you want to reimburse me when Being the meek type, he immediately have bigger problems than that total ho-
body else did. Now someone, some- it’s over you need to shut your damned complied without another word. bag at the grocery store who was like,
where in the theater – maybe behind mouth. There are several ways that a The Commentator: The reactor is totally flirting with your best friend’s
you, maybe down in front, maybe even person can totally ruin a movie for you, surprised by everything he or she sees. boyfriend. The only thing worse than
pretty far back – is having a conversa- and in my experience they all favor the No matter what happens onscreen, this The Texter is the moron who actually
tion. It’s usually a group, and usually larger movie theaters. So if you plan on person has the same reaction. It’s not a has a cell phone conversation during the
they’re gossiping or making general seeing a film at Loews or Island 16, ex- normal reaction, of course. A normal movie. You can’t make this stuff up. I
asses of themselves. The ad reel is run- pect to encounter the following people person would gasp or scream at a scary have encountered that type only once
ning, some lame music is on and no- on a regular basis. part, laugh at a funny part or sit on the though, and my “Are you really doing
body particularly cares. But if you’re The Attention Deficit Disaster: edge of his or her seat during a tense ac- that right now?” glare put an immedi-
anything like me, you know as soon as This person has no attention span, plain tion scene – but not The Commentator. ate stop to it.
you hear them that this cavalcade of and simple. This person will turn to his For every emotion that is evoked from The Texter, however, is unstop-
inane nonsense is not going to end or her neighbor and ask again and again this person, he or she will respond with pable. He or she is far more involved in
when the previews begin and it doesn’t. to explain what is going on in the an enthusiastic exclamation, the most “the texting” than “the movie” and has
It continues. Of course, now they can’t movie. This behavior is prolonged by common of which is “Oh my god!” This wasted his or her money to sit in a dark
hear one another, so they talk louder. the fact that said individual keeps on is particularly grating when it happens theater distracting everyone. Text mes-
They’re all in a row, so someone down missing parts of the movie because they every three minutes. The Commentator saging is a technology that is not strictly
at the end misses part of the conversa- can’t stop asking their significant other isn’t satisfied with simply exclaiming at regulated enough so that people realize
tion and shouts, “What?” prompting the what just happened. Of course now, every interesting moment in the movie, the truth of the matter. Just because you
other members of the group to repeat they don’t know what’s going on either, no. He or she must also constantly re- can doesn’t mean you should. Put the
themselves loudly, again for the fourth but have to actually encourage this be- peat bits of the dialogue, just in case you phone away and watch the damned
The Stony Brook Press Opinion 31

MOVIEGOERS continued from previous page

venience that has to be tolerated. And like, this movie, it like, sucks, but, um,
clearly the management at the theater like, at least like, my Dad’s not here, you
felt it was okay for the kids to be there. know? I’m gonna like, text Ashley and
I’m sure the safety of your children is like, um, tell her I like, hate her.
their primary concern, far above the In either case, the burning question
whole “making another $20 in ticket about the complainer becomes this: if
sales” priority. And if one were to point you hate this movie so much, why are
out their grevious error in parenting? you still here? Go get your money back
“You don’t understand,” they would say and stop ruining it for me. Because I’m
“You don’t have kids.” actually enjoying this. The annoying na-
News flash, Mom of The Year. You ture of The Complainer is amplified by
don’t need to have kids to understand the fact that they seem to only show up
that they shouldn’t be watching The Re- to great movies and complain all along.
venge of The Jackhammer Rapist Part I have heard complainers during: Su-
III: Let’s Snort Coke On Camera. If you perbad, Religulous, The Dark Knight
movie. The Texter’s affliction is comor- finger at the hero? Hilarious. Man gets couldn’t afford a babysitter you proba- and LOTR: The Return Of The King, I
bid with that of the Attention Deficit head chopped off by superhuman mur- bly shouldn’t have splurged on the kid you not. If you don’t like the movie,
Distaster. I have encountered this lout derer on a rampage? A rip-roaring good movie – it might cut into your beer just leave and get your money back then
in every single movie I’ve gone to see time. Deep psychological terror? Well, money. And if you just couldn’t find a do something else with it. If you hate
since 1999. this one wins the Academy Award for babysitter, you know these things come movies, why the heck are you even
The Peanut Gallery: The Peanut Best Comedy! out on DVD, right? And that they play here?
Gallery strikes in pair or in groups. Just Not only does this total waste of a for more than one night? Leave the kids That’s it for my rant. It was a long
like it takes two to tango, it takes at least movie seat mock everyone else in the at home, or just accept that you can’t go one, but a good one. So, for all of you
two to completely ruin the entire movie theater for trying to enjoy the movie, to the movies tonight. You can’t always who find that you’re a part of this list I
for me. This group sounds like an of but they take all the fun out of it. If you get what you want – and your kids have would love to tell you not to worry and
Mystery Science Theater 3000, but with- can’t go to a scary movie with the idea to learn that, too. I found myself want- that it’s all in good fun. It’s not. Seri-
out the humor or irony. They feel the in mind of being scared, why go at all? ing to call the authorities at a showing ously, modify your behavior. There are
need to discuss, at length, everything Save your juvenile antics for your of The Last House On The Left, a movie other people trying to watch the movie
going on in the movie. Usually at least friends with the single digit I.Q.s and let which had several scenes that I had to and whether they have the guts to stand
one Peanut is also an Attention Deficit me suspend my disbelief for a while. turn away from, and I’m a horror movie up and say something or not, you’re still
Disaster. The group will discuss the Unfortunately, this fellow thinks he is fanatic. ruining it for them. If you can’t be quiet
movie during the movie, so you know very entertaining and considers at- The Complainer: The last pest on and watch the movie, just leave. And if
they are paying attention. They just tempts to quiet him to be a form of en- the list is less common during prime you’re as sick and tired of this type of
want to make it difficult for anyone couragement, especially when he pulls movie time, but deserves a mention rudeness as I am, next time you’re in a
around them to pay attention. At other that hilarious “Totally overreact in a nonetheless. The Complainer is usually movie and one of these characters
times they will ignore the movie en- sarcastic way to the parts that aren’t all a senior citizen who remembers a time chimes in make eye contact with the of-
tirely, having discussions they could that scary” bit. Thanks for breaking the when movies were so much better! One fender and charge them with their
have had at home without wasting their fourth wall, idiot. This guy worked in the one hand, I can see their point. As crime, then politely request that they
money or ruining your night. Usually tandem with the peanut gallery to en- Hollywood has become bigger more modify their behavior. Say to them
there is at least one Texter among them, sure that my viewing experience of and more terrible crap has pushed its “Hey, Attention Deficit Disaster! If you
or they are gossipping about a Texter. Paranormal Activity was totally and way onto the big screen. The crap was would stop asking your husband what
Unfortunately, there is strength in completely ruined. Nothing derails sus- far less common in their day. Of course, just happened you might actually catch
numbers. This group feels that because pense and tension building scenes like they would have you believe that every the rest of the movie! Now SHUT UP!”
they are disrupting the show together someone who totally mocks them. This movie that was released before 1960 You’ll be surprised at the results.
that they own the theater and have type has successfully ruined every scary was amazing and that everything they Finally, support the little guy. Inde-
every right to continue talking. How movie I’ve ever gone to, which is why I run nowadays is just awful, even the pendently owned and operated movie
dare you interrupt their conversation? only watch scary movies at home now. ones that win all the awards. So, they theaters are becoming fewer and farther
What, did you come here to watch the The Dysfunctional Family: These complain throughout the entire movie between – but they are far more likely
movie? Loser. Don’t try to silence a people couldn’t get a babysitter, but thinking that if they gripe hard enough to eject those guests whose behavior is
Peanut Gallery – they will simply dis- they couldn’t wait another day to see the movie will just somehow get better. unacceptable, and they usually refuse to
cuss among themselves what a total jerk Murder-Fest II: The Rapening either. It’s not always the old folks who admit children to movies that would
you are for not letting them ruin the After all, who are you to tell them what complain through the movie, some- even make adults squeamish. They’re
movie for you and everyone else. their kids should and shouldn’t see? times it’s the younger generation who also cheaper, which is good for every-
Recently, the movie Paranormal After all, kids don’t know what’s hap- used Dad’s money to go to a movie, one. Just don’t tell the teenagers. They
Activity was totally ruined for me by a pening. No, they don’t understand that since they were like so bored and had make up the majority of this list.
Peanut Gallery. It was probably one of there’s a graphic and violent rape scene like, um, nothing to um, like, do. And
the most thrilling theatrical experiences on the screen. I mean sure, kids don’t
of the year, but I wouldn’t know... The know what violence and sexual assault
Peanut Gallery made every second un- sound like. Just cover their eyes. And
bearable. why remove them from the theater dur-
The Reactor: This individual is to- ing the tortures and mutilations? Then
tally uncomfortable with his or her Mom and Dad would have to miss
emotions and cannot express them in them and that would be a terrible
any meaningful way. These types are shame.
most commonly encountered during Of course, who am I to judge? I
scary movies, and the scarier the movie didn’t know that when a couple had
is, the funnier this group finds it. children that their lives continue to re-
Creepy little girl appears from nowhere volve around themselves and that their
in the darkness and points a foreboding three and six year olds are an incon-
32 Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

100 Pipe Dreams
stardom with Eric Yi. I wanted to right letting him know he shouldn’t dwell on I become, how quickly the years might
By Alexander Cardozo every wrong and wrong every right. I
wanted to try believing in alchemy, or
heartbreak. I wanted to open venues in
dive bars with a band that never made
break off the strands of my hair will be
this. I wanted to go to my first day of a
dabble in astrology. I wanted to survive it, our music would be so sad, but so new job in late May after a long bout
I wanted to be persecuted by Span- the black plague out in the woods of glorious. I wanted to design rockets in with heartbreak. I wanted it to be a
ish sentinels during the inquisition. I Italy, playing fiddle for the foxes and the Kazakhstan. I wanted to cross the desert warm sunny day in 2007. I wanted the
wanted to clean fallout off the roof of pheasants. I wanted to be a young borders in Arizona, bringing my family cicadas in the trees to sing a Balkan
Chernobyl a week after the accident. I British colonel celebrating Christmas to a better place. I wanted to be a waltz in the treetops, I wanted them to
wanted to cross the Alps with Hanni- one night with the enemy and my own Mossad spy, paranoid and alone one have a conductor made of pheromones
bal’s army, we would have traveled for platoon at the centre of the battlefield night in Munich. I wanted to give my and lust to guide their song. I wanted
miles with the bodies of elephants dot- the notebook in my bag to be heavier
ting out our trail through the snow. I than a brazen bull. I wanted it to smell
wanted to dawn a stahlhelm while and scream just as sweet. I wanted the
dodging the shells of artisan snipers in robins to perform their 21 gun salute to
St. Petersburg. I wanted to invade the passing of the night time chill. They
Jerusalem for the Ottomans, to slay would line up in uniform on the lawn
dozens of Templar Knights. I wanted to in front of Norman Pate’s old art studio.
paint with expatriate Yanks in Paris, to Norman who used to make sculptures
throw bricks at French riot squads. I to help him forget the war. Norman
wanted to play upright bass with an who used to paint in Snug Harbor on
aging jazz band in Dresden right as the his last days. I wanted to walk from the
bombs started falling. I wanted to resist parking lot to a little cottage along cot-
Christian missionaries in the Iroquois tage row.
tribes. I wanted to raid the Bastille with I wanted president and CEO of
the irate underclass. I wanted to travel Snug Harbor, Frances Paulo Huber, to
miles from China to build the railroads be extra angry that morning, leaving
in Oregon. I wanted to write all day and prints of dead grass in her footsteps. I
sleep with Godwin’s daughter as she fin- wanted the bushes and flowers to smell
ished “The Modern Prometheus”. like the shirtwaist factory. I wanted to
I wanted to fly the Enola Gay. I know only my memories of the way the
wanted to trash talk Stagger Lee in the concrete looked a week before that day,
saloon. I wanted to find love every to remember just the hedge maze on the
spring while cycling through Holland far side of the park, and walk through
after VE Day. I wanted to reject the between the trenches, our guns silent last great speech in a stadium, before the suburban daydream hours later,
shogun and refuse to commit seppuku. for just one night. the disease ripped my nervous system with a girl from my childhood I would
I wanted to drop acid in Strawberry I wanted to be showered with rose to shreds. not speak much to again. Those
Fields, to shout prayers to John Lennon. petals in the middle of the Colosseum I wanted to be a Decemberist as we thoughts should plague my mind as I
I wanted to shoot a pop artist and call it right before the lions were set loose. I revolted against the Czar. I wanted to walk. I wanted to know I was holding a
“championing feminism”. I wanted to wanted to sculpt in Venice for the comfort Han’s grief, what miseries his heavy heart, and an ear deaf to the cho-
give the old antique store clerk a new Catholic Church. I wanted to stand at concubine had to suffer. I wanted to be rus above me. I wanted to walk up to
lease on life. I wanted to buy all of the the beaches with the Aztecs in awe of a guard at the Fortress of Miolans, I cottage five on Richmond Terrace.
crazy old homeless man’s elephant Cortez and his army of gods. I wanted would have helped that degenerate with I wanted there to be a clichéd smell
paintings on Eighth Street. I wanted to to watch deep sea vents bloom amongst his jailbreak. I wanted to grow up in the of incense in the air, I wanted the room
give offerings to the oracle of Delphi, the anglers and the viperfish. I wanted Queensbridge housing projects, where to look as it always did, for the supervi-
asking for safety from the armies of the to cross all of South America on a mo- there ain’t no such thing as halfway sor to say his first hello, and for the
east. I wanted to carry my paints and torcycle with a curiously political med- crooks and it’s always similar to Viet- lights to be a dusty orange in their warm
canvas to the cliffs over Toledo. I ical student. I wanted to be a suburban nam. I wanted to love la Duchess Anne. and silver, flapper girl lamp fixtures. I
wanted to spend a youth in excess, only American accountant in the fifties, I wanted to laugh at the bourgeois with wanted to learn how to give a tour about
to end it writing my own funeral mass turning my septic tank into a bomb le enragés in a public square, hungry for things I will never learn to care about.
in Austria. I wanted to be an Atheist shelter to protect from commie nuclear a spectacle. I wanted to hold back my I’d read the lines from a stack of boring
Japanese punk rocker in the last sec- bombs. I wanted to be a New York City fear of the sight of blood with Unit 731, paragraphs, but would find Brahman in
onds before the year two thousand. I taxi driver in the winter of 1979. I we could delude ourselves over Em- between the lines of every sentence. I
wanted to be wealthy in the roaring wanted to grow up in the tenements of peror Hirohito’s strength. I wanted to be want to smell the scents of Babylonian
twenties only to lose it all when the London, my childhood back-dropped the mad man of the British ranks, hanging gardens hidden between the
stock market crashes. by smokestacks. wrecking tiger tanks with a claymore stuffy stench of aging wood and old
I wanted to sail to Antarctica with I wanted to own the Frick Mansion sword. I wanted to be the freemason books. There will be auroras shining
Shackleton. I wanted to find immortal- before it was an art museum. I wanted that plotted La Violencia. I wanted the through the glass of every lightbulb, and
ity with the love of my life, to be specta- to be the greatest contemporary author comfort of a street vent as I slept, the touch of the glass counters and
tors as we watched the moon and stars of the 1940’s, the center of attention at wrapped in newspapers on a Philadel- shelves will have pushed against my cal-
fall out of the sky as the big crunch all the Manhattan cocktail parties, but phia sidewalk. I wanted the loud sounds loused fingertips with the softness of a
stripped back the layers of the sky, let- with a stain of moral conscience and a of first floor window to be my evening million threads of silk. I wanted that
ting only a jealous god see our kiss. I lover in prison for murder. I wanted to soundtrack. I wanted the quiet life. slow walk through the doorway, and for
wanted to travel down the Congo river be the first to cross the Atlantic by But no, never, not in a thousand you to have been reading Crime and
with ivory hunters so I too could cry out plane; Lindbergh would have nothing nights. No, what I really wanted, what I Punishment around the corner, not be-
for the horror. I wanted to share rock- on me. I wanted to kiss Stephen Merritt always wanted, what I still want now cause it was assigned, but because you
on a rainy night on the Lower East Side, and will always want no matter how old wanted to. I wanted to meet you.
The Stony Brook Press 33
When The Stars Threw Down Their Spears
of machine and voice with swaying leaves, “Thanks for the reassurance. I know I Everyday he feels a little more like
By Ross Barkan shivering trunks, and a cool wind. The
dark brings the cool. Her speech slows.
can count on you for a ray of optimism.”
“From what I’ve seen of Tessie, she’s
wood around her, as if her banal spirit is
changing him. She expands, he con-
Her eyelids drip, long lashes coy on the the type that will be pumping out excuses tracts…the knot is tied tighter. Soon mar-
Urban Pope, Jr. can smell the fire in the cheek’s summit. Her chin drops into his for years to come. You’ll be fifty and not riage. He can see it all too clearly. Horror at
air. It reeks of age and ruin, raining over the shoulder and a smile burns away a mani- see any of the money.” the altar, the priest reading, smiling, she
day like a hailstorm. cured face as lavishly adorned as a “Yup…” mouthing “I do,” he hesitating, flexing for
Memories spool from thread he never pharaoh’s sarcophagus. She’s natural, even “Sixty years old and Paradise Pastry the dash, muscles ready, mind ready, when
grasped. Pebbles click underneath his Israeli when scrunched under the overhead flu- will still be standing there on the money a shard of lightning from down deep
sandals. If he looks harder they are broken orescence. Half-sleep. Her whisper ca- borrowed from you thirty-five years ago.” somewhere awful roars up to the tip of his
pendulums. Sunlight pours on the eternal resses the space between them like that “All right.” throat and crackles “I do” too and they’re
slant, screaming down the desiccated spine wind. Words drift upward. Eardrums “Seventy years old, the world’s a skele- united forever, fuck divorce, and the kids
of a colonnade. He wants to go home. He shudder. It doesn’t matter what she says as ton, the terrorists have won, the seas are are on the way. Urban follows her faint re-
wants to stay. And inside that fraction of a long as she whispers, as long as the thread burning, and the G8 is now the G noth- flection in the window, his body hovering
moment in Pompeii the universal fissure of aqueous vowels splashes his heart and ing. We’re a society of bloodthirsty farm- closely behind the flitting frame, mirror-
bleeds him a contradiction, an ache, a ing her movements like a flake of dust. He
glimpse into the bedrock. He wishes he can doesn’t even want to follow. The body just
undo this. does.
“Hey let’s take the coach down,” she The bus saves him. Air-conditioning
whispers in his ear about five and a half pumps a somnolent sheen over his skin
hours ago. They are in Sorrento, lolling on and he drifts off. She reads a guide book.
a tiny beach as the sun rises. It was her Urban can’t explain it but his dream tastes
idea to go there at four a.m. to watch the like silver, like the world has been trans-
sunrise over the Mediterranean. She ram- muted into a new gleaming substance that
bles to him about Byron and Wordsworth renders the sky a frozen vault of chilled
and Keats and the sublime, namedrop- torment. He reaches up to touch the ceil-
ping Romantics like a sociopath even ing—and they’re here.
though he knows she understands noth- She’s rubbing his shoulder, opening
ing of what they actually wrote. Ask her his eyes to the slatternly sunlight. It in-
about negative capability and her lips will trudes, throwing rays all over his eyes. An
flutter like frightened moth wings, search- ugly shade of bronze. His eyes stumble
ing for sounds to fill the vacuum of her over the parking lot and fall on a row of
misunderstanding. souvenir stands. He knows where he is.
Yes, they both find nature beautiful. They have Pompeii books, statues, t-shirts,
She loves nature like it’s a famous oil hats, sunglasses, magnets, and every other
painting locked behind glass. Artifice piece of polychromatic garbage man could
twinkles from her eyes, a gray-green ever dream of. Urban draws another
shade Urban once found mesmerizing grotto in the sky.
but now admires only out of boredom. “Welcome to Pompeii,” a voice snaps
He wonders if any lightning has over the bus’ loudspeaker. It sounds like an
struck the cliffs. She calls the indigo order. The other tourists herd off the bus
stretching over the horizon “a luscious trickles down to the warmth below. He ers. And Paradise Pastry is still on the and into the heat. Urban knows it’s hot be-
sight” and begins a verbal memo on the holds her. He can’t fathom time ever hic- corner of Brook and Tennyson, standing cause everyone says it’s hot. Everyone
importance of their love. Urban twirls his cupping forward. He can’t fathom the on those four grand you loaned forty-five wants to talk about the heat like the heat is
Swiss Army knife above his head, waiting plane landing in Fiumicino. She sleeps. years ago.” an old relative here to visit and never leave.
for the prenatal sunlight to hatch a pretty After they finish their cappuccinos “Basta!” “It’s so hot out,” an old woman says to him.
reflection on the dormant blades. No good they walk through the town. It is silent in She loves weaving the small amount “I know,” a fat teenager answers for him.
glare. He draws a grotto in the waves and the way all old Italian locales are. People of Italian she knows into her everyday lan- “Idaho summers sure ain’t like this.” “Yeah,
sleeps there for a while. sleep in. He likes the click of his feet on guage. Urban finds this pretentious. He American summers aren’t like this.” “Bull-
They drink coffee in an expensive cobblestones, the echo reflecting all the isn’t a proud American by any means but shit it’s hot in Arizona.” “The sun’s differ-
tourist dump near a terraced farm. If ancient emptiness back upon him, a re- is willing to speak full-blown English with ent here.” “I know right.” “Hot as balls.”
Urban wants, he can walk fifty feet to the minder of what shadows could sound like the locals because most know it anyway. “Good I brought water.” “It is good I
nearest overlook and drop his cappuccino if they one day decided to speak. He He isn’t about to fake an Italian heritage, brought water too.” “Water’s expensive
onto boulders four hundred feet below. wishes she didn’t speak. She drawls over despite his olive skin, dark hair, and here.” “Right?” “Uhuh.” “Boy, oh boy, it’s
Breezes play softly over his nose, remind- his thoughts, his echoes, prattling like the Roman facial tics. getting hotter.”
ing him of an era when the girlfriend sit- muffler-less Alfa Romeos on the au- They mill at the bus station for an Urban wants to shrink away from the
ting across from him was actually sexy. tostrada. Now it’s about her sister. hour. She skims shop windows, her glassy steaming babble. Their words pile like ran-
When was that? A month ago, maybe. “She’s a real bitch you know, a real gaze freezing around the red and blue cid detritus all around, mashing to form
They were slumped next to each other on slimy, two-timing bitch.” siren-colored glassware imported from a walls of thick, noxious sound, sound that
the airplane, Delta or Continental, he can’t “I know,” Urban says. false Venice. Every ten minutes or so she rots but never decays into nothing like it
remember which, and she was yawning. “She owes me four grand and hasn’t coos loudly at one of the trinkets and begs should, sound that lingers, sound that
Urban loves the moment before a even paid me a quarter of that. The pastry Urban to come take a look. He shuffles could drive the cosmos themselves to dis-
woman goes to sleep. The moment is like shop’s a total failure. As if I have a lot of over, feigning interest by smearing his face solution. How can so many people con-
the calm before a thunderstorm. In the money to begin with…I’ll never see it, I with a special sort of plastic politeness that gratulate themselves about bringing
minutes leading up to a storm the world know I won’t.” can only be learned in the service sector. water? Urban concedes it is hot. Must
inhales, soothing the electro-violent whirl “You probably won’t.” They nod together. every single person discuss the weather at
34 Literary Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

every single moment? The tourists slug out of it.” feet click on and he, unsure of why, fol- to a perpetual, unquenchable terror. The
their mineral water and begin their trudge “I’m fine, just a bit dehydrated. lows. Knowledge is a funny thing. Past and body is still screaming. Both arms are
toward the gate. He follows. Gimme a swig from the canteen.” memory…Urban mulls the snippet he curled over the head to prevent an unend-
They buy their tickets and meander up Urban drinks and walks, savoring the read about Henri Bergson last week, the ing onslaught of fire and ash. There can’t
a steep hill to the ancient city’s entrance. water’s kiss on his gullet. They enter a wide thing about time. Bergson once said that be an afterlife for this one—there can’t.
Urban knows the story of Pompeii; he grassy space. The tour guide tells them it time is just the past devouring the future, And before Urban can form audible
must have heard it a thousand times in his once served as Pompeii’s forum. Urban the actual present never existing because words, he is thrown into a place outside of
high school Latin class. At first it seemed isn’t impressed with the decayed porticos our entire perception of time is based in time.
interesting. Roman city chugging along. and weed-strewn columns crumbled all memory, and memory equals conscious- He is not back in time because he has
Volcano erupts. All the slaves die because around. He doesn’t need to see anymore ness, and the instant someone tries to no memory of Pompeii’s destruction. In
the wealthy made them stay behind. Ash of mankind’s ruin. Ennui seizes his drift- measure time it is already a memory any living person’s reality, that event never
preserved the city. That’s how we know ing mind, backing him into another shat- and— happened. No consciousness remains.
what Roman things look like. Goodie. tered wall. He nearly trips. Voices play on “Oh my, wow, come here Urban and Urban isn’t here either. As he stares into
Everyone stops at an overlook, gawking at the rim, warbling to his warm, dozing re- look. Look at those bodies behind the the face twisted like a primordial thunder-
the distant Mount Vesuvius. It’s little ality. Sleep. Urban doesn’t know why he glass. They’re creepy.” bolt—ancient, yet raw and alive—he en-
more than a shadowy lump resting in feels so damn tired. He wants to throw off Suddenly they are beneath an over- ters a new place of his own creation where
front of the horizon, completely harmless. the crust and keep walking—at least to
Time castrates everything. Once keep up appearances—and not draw any-
demigods and nymphs roamed the earth. more attention to himself. Can’t let peo-
Once gold sprang from every pocket of the ple start to stare at him like he’s the
planet. Once everyone spoke one language mountain.
and obeyed one law: produce nothing but The vision of his body splayed on the
joy. Ah, what a law. Cameras snap all stone roadway is a concrete fact in his
around, hungry to sink their photonic ten- mind, blooming like blood drops from
drils into the scenery and pry a piece for freshly-pierced capillaries. He is dead. The
home, the digital whir replacing the paint- ambulance is whining in its special Italian
brush as the means to bag reality. She takes way up the tiny roads, crushing the ante-
out her camera. diluvian pottery and mosaics forever fad-
“Oh honey, isn’t it beautiful? I can’t ing in the sun, swerving to his bloated,
wait to walk through the tunnel over there American corpse. “He should’ve brought
and really see everything. People tell me more water with him.” “I know, right?”
seeing ancient Pompeii is a life-changing “It’s so hot.” “I’ll tell you something, the
experience.” weather is humid as…” “…as a sauna.” “a
She’s called just about everything on sauna!”
this trip “life-changing.” The gelato they “Ok, we’ll be in the shade soon. Take
shared in a shit joint just north of Rome some more water,” she smiles. He looks
last week was also life-changing. She cra- back at her and is almost reassured. In-
dles her life-changing four hundred and deed they walk past the forum, through an
fifty dollar Kodak digital camera and im- arch, and into another patch of grass that
mediately reels off sixteen shots of Mount is supposed to be significant. Being here is
Vesuvius. Sixteen shots that will look ex- absurd, Urban thinks. What if they hang, bathed in a slab of shade. Everything Vesuvius is always erupting, where Pom-
actly the same. After she finishes, she turns stamped through my living room two seems tighter. The tour guide’s voice is peii is always dying, and where the moth-
to a husky woman to chat about the thousand years from now and explained waltzing crookedly off the dirty walls. bitten logic of a modern world he one day
scenery. They both like valleys. Urban every damn thing I did? Someday they’ll Whispers trail behind, swelling into a new left the uterine walls to inhabit is nothing
prays for a tour guide with broken English find my fucking condoms in the ash and reverent hiss. A benediction. What the hell but a dream, an absurd wink as cold and
to move the group along through the tun- tell the half-human half-alien future freaks could they be asking? Nothing, Urban, you distant as a far-flung star. There are no
nel and get the trip over with. All he really that they were relics of some ancient rit- fool, nothing. People don’t ask for things girlfriends, tour guides, and bottled water.
wants now is to sit. ual to summon the 21st century sun god. here. They don’t know how to ask. There There is only death eternal. Every ash-
There are about thirty of them forging How does this toad of a tour guide know was probably a time when the divine choked moan and every underworld con-
through the tunnel. Light winks from the anything, anyway? Where does this walked hand-in-hand with man on this tortion is branded in his consciousness.
end and in a matter of seconds they are knowledge come from? Urban narrows very spot. That time is gone. The tourists, taking pictures in their own
back out in the full force of daylight. his eyes at the guide, switches them to “Are you looking honey? I saved you time, are wrong.
Urban sees his first batch of ruins. Jagged what looks like a flaccid obelisk, and then a spot.” Urban tries to rationalize their fading,
brick walls, shattered portals, and bi-mil- aims at her. The dizzying fury is burned Seconds creep by before Urban regis- unreal images, tying them into his own re-
lennial rubble surround him. They are into her own helpless eyes. She shrinks ters what his girlfriend is telling him. Bod- ality. He can’t. They feel like paper vul-
standing in one of many nondescript open away, confronted with torment she can’t ies are snaking to the glass, smacking their tures left to fill roles no longer necessary.
areas. Somehow Urban thought there’d be understand. All she can do is offer more damp hides into one another. They’re Why would you take a photograph?
more of Pompeii left. water. hungry. Urban pushes closer. Evading el- Urban thinks it would be more reasonable
“…Giuseppe Fiorelli took charge of “I don’t need anymore water, bows, knees, and cheap straw hats, he fi- to swallow the sun whole. The shadows
the excavations in 1860. The ash provided dammit. I’m fine,” he snarls. A hand be- nally understands what everyone is trying crawl, then burn. Blood springs high and
a new dilemma dilemma dilemmm- longing to his body swats the canteen to to see. Camera flashes scream across the hot over his rot, electrifying every maggot
maaaaa promissa fermata a destraaaa the dust. It feels light against his knuckles, two glass boxes, bombarding whatever is into a thought, searing away the debris ac-
WAKE UP” Urban is leaning against a like the metal is suddenly butter. No one inside. Now Urban sees. cumulated over a lifetime. Without the
crag and fighting a silver spell. The world turns around. “…and he realized that there were debris he is conscious. Urban recalls me-
flickers away, a light bulb deprived of its “What’s your problem?” spaces in the ash left by decomposed bod- mento mori, the Latin class again, a
divinity. Astral fingers scoop up the dark- “Nothing.” ies. Therefore, he thought of the technique teacher’s sandpaper lisp.
ness and fill his plaster dreams, hardening “You look like you could use some of injecting plaster into them to recreate Remember you are mortal. Ha.
thoughts and emotions into a wet slum- Dramamine. I have a tube in my bag.” the forms of the victims. Eerie, isn’t it?” Urban knows he will die. He has drunk
ber. She wakes him up. “No thanks.” Urban is next to the glass. He looks death countless times in the hollowed
“Honey, are you ok? The tour group The “thanks” is harsh enough to stop down into the eyes of extinction. A gray heart of the screaming Pompeian. Time
is starting to move. You’re looking really her fingers dead in the pocketbook. Her mass is the body, a swollen skull leading gathers, dry and dead, at his feet.
The Stony Brook Press Literary 35

“What the hell are you doing? Urban? messer 08 Swiss Army knife above his People take pictures. They wrap moments ers of a youngish man’s body sprawled in
Urban!” head. He is stabbing the glass. Over and in their digital hearts, dulling the horrid the dust of Pompeii. He might be scared
The gasps fill the innocuous bubble, over again. The tour guide blasts through beats they might feel against their ribs if or just sleeping. The authorities suspect he
dissolving all chatter. Real eyes/fake eyes the crowd to grab the man’s arm. The man they dared to comprehend. The tour guide had too much to drink…
bobble to the source. There is a youngish throws him off and continues to hammer calls for back-up.
man—Italian-looking but clearly Ameri- the glass with his blade until the first Later in the afternoon ninety-six peo-
can—brandishing a Victorinox Soldaten- cracks crawl across the box. People run. ple upload photographs to their comput-

Lying compliments your insecurities
By Chrysa Karagiannis
to me over cigarette gather
breaks simple is in
I don’t believe in fairy tales,
more smiles swirling dust
Where the prince always finds the princess
than allow smoke clench
And rescues her from misery;
just fear escaping mouths
Where they will live happily ever after
hearts in out that
Because there is no such thing as a happy ending.
and hearts through can’t
minds to pursed be
I don’t believe in classic romances,
part melancholy parted
Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet.
lips’ of
Everything is fiction anyway
I believe that I am all alone in the snow
And that my body is numb from all the pain.
“Understanding in a Car Crash” And the only thing I see is my breath, which comes out choppy because
By Chrysa Karagiannis I feel like I’m suffocating.
And no matter how hard I try, things will never be the same again.
You used to be my best friend,
Now you’re just my car crash
wrapped up in a pretty bow.
Heaps of metal intertwined,
Much like our hands used to be.

Shards of glass that hurt less-

Than the words “I just don’t care anymore.”
Impact hurts more than the airbag
Punching my face upon collision
I feel like we are just spinning out of control
Maybe now I have understanding in a car crash.

Empty Bottles
By Chrysa Karagiannis

My eyes attempt to open; they blink open once…twice…

Until I see the sight of my conquest.
My trembling hands reach for the empty bottles lying across the floor.
Wait…why am I on the floor to? “Cocaine”
By Chrysa Karagiannis
Remembering what happened last night hurts too much.
The room was spinning… or maybe I was. The excitement you give me is like,
Blurred faces flash in my memory. Who were they? Why aren’t they here anymore? That first line of cocaine or
Everything hurt more when I was sober, because I remembered everything I felt. The first snow fall
I remembered what he said. On a winter night.
I just wanted to just forget everything.
How did I get like this? It’s like no other.

I look to my right and there is a half empty bottle.

The liquid burns as it goes down my throat, burns all the way down to my core.
My heart begins to slow down and my eyes shut again.
It did its job… everything is numb.
And I feel so much better again.
36 Sports Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Here’s to You Mr. Nathan

Dear Stony ber retired by the university and now Twins, you’ve held your own in the hit- Division Series (NLDS) against the
Brook Joe, hold an eternal spot in the SBU Athlet- ter-heavy American League, and your Florida Marlins? Yeah, thought it would
ics Hall of Fame – pretty cool, huh!?! low ERA deserves a pat on the back. ring a bell. Bet that blown save in Game
This is Jason As for your $500,000 donation to But what happens every October, One still hurts a little – as should that
Wirchin, sports the athletics department in support of a Joe? Where goes the magic? Now, be- 81.00 ERA. Ouch!
editor of The Stony In 2004, as a Minnesota Twin, you
Brook Press. We’re faced the Yanks in the American League
Jason one of several stu- Division Series (ADLS) and, although
Wirchin dent newspapers you notched your first postseason save
at Stony Brook and also recorded your second postsea-
University, your old and respectable son loss and gave up an average of one
alma mater. Not that you needed a re- walk per inning. Not too hot, Joe.
minder or anything. After all, you were After a yearlong hiatus, the Twins
only the highly-touted baseball phenom found themselves back in the playoffs –
here from 1993 to 1995 on what was you’d remember this stint, of course, be-
then the school’s Division III team, and cause you didn’t screw up! In one ap-
I’d like to think you’ve done pretty well pearance against the Oakland A’s in the
for yourself. ALDS, you were a thing of perfection –
Oh, before I continue, you don’t oh, that 0.00 ERA – but they swept and
mind the nickname “Stony Brook Joe,” moved on to bigger and better things.
do you? I mean, you’re probably the Then came 2009. What a year, huh!
most recognizable Seawolf to sign a After storming back to win the Ameri-
professional sports contract, so why not can League Central in a gut-wrenching
revel in the meritorious adage deserv- tiebreaker against the Detroit Tigers –
ing of any Long Island superstar? And warm feelings abound, I’m sure – you
honestly, do the names Petar Rakovic faced the Yanks at their new place in the
and Michael Palacio ring a bell? Yeah, Bronx. Let’s reminisce. ALDS Game
didn’t think so. They’re a pair of former Two. You’ve got a two run lead with no
SBU soccer players who last month outs and a runner on in the bottom of
signed with two obscure European the ninth. A-Rod was up. Three and
clubs – one Norwegian, the other Ser- one the count. The pitch…goodbye!
bian. Not that you would not know this, Game tied! Sit down, Joe!
of course. See what I’m saying? Not to add insult to injury, but two
Simply put, you are SBU, Joe. nights later in the Metrodome, you gave
Whether you like it or not, you’re the up a ninth-inning single to Posada that
coolest thing to come out of here since scored Teixiera and put a close Game
Shirley Strum Kenny. Remember her? renovated baseball field, hats off to you, fore you throw what I’ve written to the Three just out of reach. Yankees sweep.
What a legend! number 36. You’ve also got that “Save (Sea)wolves – no pun intended – try If you’re not crying yet, now is a
After your Major League debut on It” charity, which raises money and and hang with me for a bit. I’m not here good time to start. With a cumulative
April 21, 1999, I think it’s fair to say awareness for other charitable organi- to punish you. I’m just being realistic. 7.88 postseason ERA – hardy hardy har
you’ve had quite the run. Four All-Star zations, and that’s commendable, Joe. So sit back, relax and take it all with a – I’d be pretty ticked if I were you. Not
Game appearances, two World Baseball All in all, you’ve put together a pretty grain of salt. to say all you’ve done outside of Octo-
Classic selections, several relief pitching impressive resume. Even though your San Francisco ber isn’t credible. You should be pretty
awards and a Twins-record 47 saves this Since becoming a full-time reliever Giants won the National League West damn proud of yourself.
past season. Likewise, you were the first in 2003, your 2.02 era is one for the his- by a resounding 15.5 games in 2003, do Except for that nickname, though.
SBU student-athlete to have your num- tory books. Pitching mostly for the you not remember that National League Stony Brook Joe? Jeez Louise!

Rockies Rest & Relaxation Report

Come speak to me. I’ll be the one that’s one of my new favorite purple pin- the the frugality of the Rockies owners
By Andrew Fraley kickin’ your ass.
But anyway, regardless of the fact
stripers. Unfortunately, his numbers
leave much to be desired. He was only
back in ‘07, I’d say he may be expend-
able. My prediction: cut.
that their season is over, there is still batting around a .200, with the occa- Jason Marquis played an excellent
It is common knowledge now, es- much to discuss with the Rockies. One sional homer, and that’s not really year for us, but ended on a low note. He
pecially here in New York, that the major topic on all my readers’ minds is enough to keep such a high profile also costs a lot of money. My prediction:
Rockies are no longer in the playoffs. trades and acquisitions. Who will be player. My prediction: he’s gone. cut.
Their season was ended by World Series traded? Who will be acquired? Well, my Jose Contreras started one game Now, let’s talk about some of the
contenders the Phillies. “So,” you may avid followers, allow the resident Rock- very well. Six innings pitched with only vets who made themselves expendable.
be asking me, “why continue with your ies analyst to discuss. one earned run. The next game he Brad Hawpe ended a good season start
inane Rockies updates?” Because fuck Let’s talk about some of the late sea- pitched he injured his leg, and has since with mediocre performance. He only
off, that’s why. You gonna tell me how son acquisitions. Jason Giambi was a been relegated to the bullpen, where he’s played in the first game of the NLDS be-
to do my job? You wanna come over clutch player on several occasions; that, been less than stellar. I don’t know how fore being replaced in the field by Seth
here and take my position? Yeah, go combined with his facial hair, made him much they pay him, but judging from Smith. Will he be used to make a good
ahead. Stony Brook Union, room 060.
The Stony Brook Press Sports 37

Fight Club: She’ll Come For Kumdo

By Eric DiGiovanni

Style: Kumdo (Korean)/Kendo (Japanese). Both

terms mean “Manner Of The Sword” in the original
Chinese characters.
Where: Racquetball Court #7 in the Sports Complex
When: Tuesdays and Thursdays, 8:00 M
Who’s Known For It?: Japan (sorta)
I have seen many battles throughout the course of
the Fight Clubs, but none where it seemed like the
winner was determined before the opponents ever
crossed swords. I got to the racquetball courts a bit be-
fore 8, and the club was already in full swing. The
sparring had already begun. I watched for a bit until
one of the combatants, who could be mistaken for the
world’s fanciest beekeeper on a Sunday morning, in-
troduced himself.
It was Ron Suh, vice president of the Kumdo Club,
who has been a member for all five years of his time at
Stony Brook. There was no rock he left unturned, and
he pretty much told me everything I needed to know.
Two “fencers” wearing armor, hogu, fight with bam-
boo swords and try to hit the head, wrist or waist. Eric Di Giovanni
Kendo originally came to Korea from Japan via No this isn’t your mother’s basement.

the Dai Nippon Butokukai, or the “All Japan Martial

Virtue Society,” an organization founded to standard- at least it gives you a chance to see if you’re interested replace the fencing terminology with the kumdo
ize the martial art disciplines in Japan (such as aikido, before getting the hogu. equivalent. Both require you to hit certain parts of the
judo, and karate), while promoting them in other After the practice sessions were over, the group, body, both are wearing fancy beekeeper outfits, and
countries. After the occupation of Korea by Japan in or rather, the team sparred again. The swordsmen both clubs participate in big tournaments. The last
1910, kendo merged with traditional Korean sword stare each other down for what feels like ages. The tournament, Ron said, had over 30 clubs from not
fighting. only movement is maybe an adjustment in how high only the northeast, but the west coast, and even Ger-
They took me and several new people through they hold their swords, or a slight step in either direc- many. Their most recent tournament was October 24
some basic maneuvers, like the chundan, a “low” tion. Then after a moment of tension and stillness, and 25 at Cornell University.
stance. They taught me how to “walk” and my experi- they lunge. Their swords clash and they turn around The most refreshing similarity between fencing
ence with the Fencing Club came rushing back. This, to start the process again. and kumdo was that both hold ye olde honour in the
however, was a lot more badass. What’s cooler, a Despite the intensity in these matches I saw ear- highest regard. I actually had to bow to Ron before we
dainty little pointy thing that isn’t called a “sword” but lier, it’s all very safe, much more so than fencing. The began. The heads of the club actually take the “man-
something non-threatening like “foil” or a big stick? worst you’ll get is that, like me, an errant blow will hit ner” of the “manner of the sword” aspect seriously. In
Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to spar. While the club you across the back when you’re trying to snap a pic- a weird way, I appreciated that. It’s a slow down from
doesn’t have plenty of extra swords, there is only ture. the normal hustle and bustle of every day. It’s the rit-
enough armor for those who brought it. It sucks, but The resemblance between fencing and kendo is ual of saying, “Please teach me, I want to learn.”
unavoidable. In theory, just take the Fencing Club and

ROCKIES continued from previous page

trade for some younger, cheaper talent, like Matt “Homerun”
Holliday last year? As much as I like Hawpe, this may be the case.
Ouch. Cut.
Finally, Garret Atkins started terribly, usually being replaced
by Ian Stewart at third. He redeemed himself a bit by playing well
in the playoffs—at least, as well as a losing team player can play.
Will he suffer a similar fate as Hawpe? My prediction: keeper.
So there you go. Spring cleaning. Short and sweet. As an
aside, every series this postseason—with the exception of the
Dodgers/Cardinals series—has gone the opposite of what I’ve
wanted. So now I’m stuck between rooting for the Phillies and
the Yankees. Ugh. Nevertheless, I’m an NL man, so I guess the
Phillies are my boys for now. If I were a superstitious man,
though, I would say, “Go Yankees!” because then they would lose.
I fucking hate the Yankees.
38 Sports Vol. XXXI, Issue 4 | Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A Week of Blood and Mayhem in the UFC

The decision was controversial to say heavyweight title. It will be interesting to consistently referring to him as “Titties”.
By Matthew Maran the least. Shogun appeared to dominate
much of the fight, hitting Machida more
see where Velasquez will fall in the ranks
of the Heavyweight division after his im-
Schoonover was trained in submis-
sion wrestling, judo, kickboxing and jiu
than anyone else ever had. Machida was pressive performance at UFC 104. jitsu. Zak Jensen was the last man chosen
The Ultimate Fighting Champi- bruised, limping and appeared weaker Rashad Evans’ team continues to on the first episode of the season when
onship’s most recent pay-per-view pro- than ever. dominate on The Ultimate Fighter Season teams were picked, and felt like he had
gram, UFC 104, was broadcast from the Before the fight, both men were 10: Heavyweights. After the last two something to prove. Schoonover defeated
Staples Center in Los Angeles this past crowd favorites, but after the fight, the episodes, Team Rashad improved to 6-0 Jensen in the first round with a triangle
Saturday. crowd booed Machida because they felt over Team Rampage. Tempers have con- choke submission.
In the main event, Lyoto Machida that Shogun deserved the win. tinued to flare between opposing coaches Fedor Emelianenko is one of the
improved his record to 16-0 and success- Machida has been known for his abil- Rashad Evans and Quinton “Rampage” most decorated and successful fighters in
fully defended his Light Heavyweight ity to avoid getting hit and making his op- Jackson. the world. The Russian Heavyweight
Championship against Mauricio ponents look silly. Machida had never lost Justin Wren fought Wes Sims and holds a 32-1-1 record and has been
“Shogun” Rua, winning the fight by unan- a round in his first 15 fights. Shogun took Darrill Schoonover fought Zak Jensen in named number one pound for pound
imous decision. While most fights in the Machida to the limit, and this was defi- the two most recent fights on the show. fighter in the world by several MMA pub-
UFC are scheduled for three five-minute nitely Machida’s toughest fight yet. Justin Wren, a former All-American lications.
rounds, championship bouts are sched- When asked about a possible rematch and National Champion Greco-Roman Although Emelianenko has never
uled for five five-minute rounds. Rua and with Shogun, Machida replied, “When- wrestler, defeated former UFC fighter fought in the UFC, which is widely recog-
Machida went the distance and fought for ever he wants it.” Wes Sims with an arm triangle submis- nized as the largest and most successful
five rounds without either fighter win- Undefeated Cain Velasquez, a former sion in the first round. mixed martial arts company in the world,
ning. Thus, the fight came down to the two time All-American wrestler at Ari- The team that wins the previous he has been commonly hailed as the best
judges’ scores. zona State University defeated MMA vet- week’s fight gets to pick which fighters will heavyweight fighter in the world. Some
eran “Big” Ben Rothwell by second round compete the next week, so for the sixth MMA analysts even consider him to be
TKO in the co-main event at UFC 104. straight week Rashad Evans chose the one of the greatest fighters of all time.
Velasquez was dominant throughout this fight. This week he chose Darrill Emelianenko’s next fight is scheduled
Heavyweight fight, and improved to 7-0. Schoonover from his team to fight Zak to take place at Strikeforce’s upcoming
Coming into the fight Ben Rothwell had Jensen of Team Rampage. event November 7. He will be fighting
won 14 of his last 15 fights, but he barely After weeks of opposing coach Ram- Brett Rogers. Rogers currently holds a 10-
got in any offense against Velasquez. page Jackson constant mockery of fighter 0 MMA record and in his most recent
UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Darrill Schoonover, Schoonover finally fight, he defeated former UFC Heavy-
Lesnar will be defending his title next fought back. The two exchanged words, weight Champion Andrei Arlovski by
month against Shane Carwin (11-0). An- and Schoonover even challenged Ram- TKO just 22 seconds into the first round
tonio Rodrigo Nogueira is coming off a page to a fight. Throughout the show, of the fight. A win over Emelianenko
big win over Randy Couture, which many Rampage has poked fun at Schoonover would significantly elevate Rogers’ rank in
feel has earned him a future shot at the for not being in the best physical shape the Heavyweight division.

Umpires Suck
field line. The ball landed at least two feet Posada was on third base and
By Daniel Murray fair and it didn’t even hit the white chalk.
Umpire Phil Cousy, who is actually an
Robinson Cano was on second
base. The ball was hit back to
extra umpire added just for the playoffs, Pitcher Darren Oliver who threw
Baseball is one of America’s sacred called the ball foul taking away a double home, which froze Posada and
games. Baseball is a game built upon a for Mauer. The Twins went on to lose the forced him back to third, but
deep tradition and history full of legends, game and the series. Cano also ran to third. Both
like the Babe and Jackie Robinson. In spite After the game the umpire crew chief Posada and Cano were off the
of this noble tradition, awful umpiring has said that they reviewed it and that the ball bag and got tagged out. McClel-
tainted some of the games during this was clearly fair. Well, thanks guys. I’m sure land only called Posada out.
year’s playoffs. The sanctity of the game the Twins took solace in the fact that the Granted, Cano didn’t end up
has been brought into question over the umpires got it wrong during the game, but scoring in that inning, but still,
course of the playoffs thus far, and Major admitted they were wrong. No biggie the play needed to be called cor-
League Baseball is praying that their um- right? rectly.   took long-time umpire C.B. Bucknor off
pires have an error-free World Series. You think that was bad, let me take Once again, after the game, McClel- the World Series roster in a surprising
If you haven’t been keeping up with you to game four of the ALCS. Hmmm, I land said, in his heart, he felt Cano was on move. Maybe they felt he wasn’t experi-
the playoffs thus far, either because you’re don’t know what bad play in this game the bag. I didn’t know that MLB umpires enced enough, or maybe it’s because he
a Mets fan like me (which is brutally sticks out to me the most. Was it the play made decisions with their heart. Maybe blew a huge call in the Angels Redsox se-
painful right now), or you didn’t feel like at second base where Yankees outfielder umpires should move their asses into po- ries.
watching. If so, let me catch you up on Nick Swisher was clearly thrown out? sition so they can make proper calls in- Unfortunately, these bad calls were al-
some of the most horrific calls that have Maybe it was a few plays later, once again stead of just doing a casual lean around ready made and no one can go back and
been made. involving Swisher who got called out for Posada. change the facts. Baseball is going to have
In Game Two of the American leaving third base early on a play he After all of these blown calls baseball to live with this shadow for a few years,
League Division Series, the New York scored. He didn’t leave early, but how can got proactive and changed up who is but if the World Series goes off without a
Yankees were against the Minnesota you blame Crew Chief Tim McClelland? going to be calling the World Series hitch and future games are called cor-
Twins and it was late in the game. Future He was a whole two feet from the bag. games. They stated on October 22 that rectly, then these missteps will soon be a
American League MVP Joe Mauer of the The worst play of the game, however, they wanted a more experienced group of distant memory. However, baseball has to
Twins was up and hit a shot down the left came later. One out, the Yankees Jorge umpires calling World Series games. MLB get back on its game.
The Stony Brook Press Sports 39

North East North East

Pittsburgh Steelers New England Patriots Minnesota Vikings New York Giants
(5-2) (5-2) (6-1) (5-2)

Is this really a surprise that they If winning the Super Bowl After a devastating loss to the So when they face competitive
are this good this early and are meant short passes to a short Steelers, the only thing Favre was teams they lose? And this is a
the greatest team since the speedy white guy, the Patriots looking foward too was his mid-af- good team why again?
2009 Steelers? would be untouchable. ternoon microwaved pudding.

Cincinnati Bengals New York Jets Green Bay Packers Philadelphia Eagles
(5-2) (4-3) (4-2) (4-2)

This is really a surprise that Taking lessons from coach, Aaron Rodgers vs. Brett Favre. They lost to the Raiders but
they are this good this early. Sanchez’s key to success is in Can’t wait till this storyline is “bounced” back with a win
However, they are nowhere his gut; hence the hot dog. over. Enough. against the Redskins. Where’s
near the Steelers. Vick?

Baltimore Ravens Buffalo Bills Chicago Bears Dallas Cowboys

(3-3) (3-4) (3-3) (4-2)

A close loss to the Vikings and This just goes to show you that Bring back Rex! Wade Phillips is on the Cowboy
a bye week has the Ravens at Buffalo is such a terrible market diet. He is shedding pounds sit-
.500. Plenty of time for this that even T.O. has stopped ting on the hotseat.
team to rebound. making headines.

Cleveland Browns Miami Dolphins Detroit Lions Washington Redskins

(1-6) (2-4) (1-5) (2-5)

Thank god LeBron is back. Oh They forgot to go over the part Go Red Wings! Who’d they beat again?
wait, they lost too!?!? where giving up 22 points in the
Sheeeeeeeeeiit. 4th quarter loses the game.

South West South West

Indianopolis Colts Denver Broncos New Orleans Saints Arizona Cardinals
(6-0) (6-0) (6-0) (4-2)
Kurt Warner looks like the QB
The most boring undefeated Off to a good start, the Broncos Daaaaaaayyyyyyyuuuuummmn. from Any Given Sunday. Re-
team in the history of the NFL. look to be a strong contender in ports have it that Jamie Foxx is
Bring back the commercials. whooping everyone’s ass. looking to take over his job.

Houston Texans San Diego Chargers Atlanta Falcons San Francisco 49ers

(4-3) (3-3) (4-2) (3-3)

Everything is bigger in Texas, The Cowboys of the West. Name me five players on this Coming off the bench, Smith
except this team’s chances of team and I will be surprised. played a great game. Too bad the
winning a Super Bowl in the only trophy he’ll ever get is his hot
next 50 years.

Jacksonville Jaguars Oakland Raiders Carolina Panthers Seattle Seahawks.

(3-3) (2-5) (2-4) (2-4)

Jaguars!? More like the Jack- They won their own Superbowl Panthers! More like the Car- The only thing uglier than their
sonville Pussycats. Get it? It’s beating the Eagles. olina Pus--oh wait. Damn it! style of play are their jerseys.
because they suck.

Tenessee Titans Kansas City Chiefs Tampa Bay Buccaneers St. Louis Rams
(0-6) (1-6) (0-7) (0-7)

Jeff Fisher wore a Peyton Man- They’re worse than the Raiders. The Raiders of East. Or should We ran out of suck jokes.
ning jersey because he didn’t Wow. we say the Chiefs, Lions, Red-
want to feel like a loser. skins, Titans...whatever, they
Death Egg Zone