I want everyone to feel comfortable, and that's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.

It doesn't matter if you're religious or not, does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger saying, “I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.” “YE !, I'" #I$E Y%& '%( (%.” You could say that to the )o*e, “I'd like to talk to you about Jesus,” and he'd be like, “E +Y, ,-E $. I $EE) .%-$ ( .%-$.” I don't know much about the /ible myself, I haven't read it because I don't have to, because I'm 0atholic. 'ot a lot of 0atholics have read the /ible. It's a different *ers*ective on rules for 0atholics. It's not like other religions1 !indus are not su**ose to eat meat2they don't eat meat. 0atholics are like, “%'#Y E ( ,I+! %' ,-I" Y...&'#E++ Y%& ,%-3E(4 E!, "% .! (E5E- (!E !E## Y%& . '(. +EE Y%& ( E +(E-4” 6y favorite dessert is cake. 0ake is a true symbol of gluttony though. If you eat a whole *i77a, *eo*le are like, “.ow, you were hungry4” /ut if you eat a whole cake, *eo*le are like, “Y%& 3%( )-%/#E6.” It's not like drinking2you never hear someone brag, “YE !, # +( 'I3!( I ! " ,%&- )IE0E+ %, 0 $E.” .hy are you telling us that8 “J&+( . '( (% #E( Y%& $'%. I ) -(IE".” .hy don't you get away from me...8 /ecause everyone knows that cake is bad for us. +ometimes we try to disguise the fact that we're eating cake. “It's breakfast, I can't have cake. I'll have a muffin4” You know the difference between a cake and a muffin8 'othin'. muffin is a bald cu*cake. nd we know it. You can't have cake for breakfast2unless it's a *ancake. !ow'd that slide through8 “Young man, you're not having cake for breakfast, you're have fried cake with syru* for breakfast4”

I love our holiday traditions, like the 0hristmas (ree9 where we go out and cho* down a tree and *ut it in our living room. It kind of sounds like the behavior of a drunk man, really. +ome woman wakes u* and says, “!oney, why is there a...*ine tree...in our living room8” “I #I$E I(4 .E'-E 3%'' "E0%- (E I(...,%- JE+&+4 '" (!E' I'6 3%'' ! '3 6Y +%0$+ %5E- (!E ,I-E)# 0E2,I## (!E6 .I(! 0 '"Y. 6 Y/E I'## (IE +%6E #E 5E+ (% (!E 0EI#I'3 '" +EE I, I 0 ' 3E( +%6E 0(I%'. 66)!, '%. I 3%(( 3% )&$E %' (! ( 0%&0!. 6E--Y 0!-I+(6 +.” +ome *eo*le get so into 0hristmas, they decorate their yards. (hat seems com*letely backwards. “3reat, cho* down that tree, bring it in here. (ake all these lights, *ut 'em out there...” Easter8 (hat's a weird tradition. “Easter, the day Jesus rose u* from the dead. .hat should we do8” “!%. /%&( E33+848” “.ell, wh:what does that have to do with Jesus8” “ ## -I3!(, .E'## !I"E 'E64” “I don't2I don't follow your logic.” “"%''( .%--Y, (!E-E'+ /&''Y.”

6ostly, we use holidays so we can eat 6%-E. “I normally don't have a burger, a bratwurst, '" a steak, but it I+ the ,ourth of July. nd I'm going to need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin' cra* u*. It's what 3eorge .ashington and the founding fathers would want.” 6y favorite holiday is !alloween. nd not ;ust because women use it as an e<cuse to dress like *rostitutes. You ladies totally do. “I'm a witch4” “I, +!E . + !%%$E-4” s a kid, !alloween was ama7ing9 you dress like a su*erhero, you bang on your neighbor's door, and they'd give you candy. I do that today and my neighbor wants me arrested. )robably because I make a hot 0atwoman. “6e:yow4 $itty wants some candy4”

+ ! 5I'3 /I-(!" Y4 '" . #%5E I(. 'ow I'm know what I'm getting you ne<t year.E "I"''( $'%. It's a gamble.'".rench would have come over and said. I can't believe we're still giving clothing as a gift.rench.here i7 7e +tatue of #eeberty8” “YE !. -I3!(8” (he only time I ever wear a robe is when I'm staying in a fancy hotel. You know. #%5E I(.hat are we. who has the time to en. You see them in their yard and they're like. YE !..%-E (!E 6%'+(E-+ "%. don't they8 You ever have that friend who gives you the 'birthday alert'8 “!ey.oy a robe8 .” It's a gamble with gifts. /ecause whenever you get clothing as a *resent. I remember looking at the robe and thinking.” “I 0 ''( /E#IE5E I'6 "%I'3 # &'"-Y %' 6Y /I-(!" Y. “!E##%.E + I" I( . .ust esca*ed from the insane asylum.ow. if my *lace smells.ust wanted to let you know that ne<t (uesday's my birthday4” “I J&+( . “'ot even close. You know I have electricity. &!. “. It's a good thing the statue was beautiful because if it was ugly. then that would have been awkward. “!EY.” “(! ('+ #-I3!(. . the robe. '( (% #E( Y%& $'%. (%. you always o*en it and think.” “/E. right8 #ook. this is *erfect.ust getting the news*a*er. . .” I got a robe for 0hristmas. I ho*e I get the flu so I can wear it4” I mean. (he +tatue of #iberty was a gift2big.” (hey give you the alert because there's so much *ressure in society to have a good time on your birthday.E (!%&3!( I( -E ##Y 0%6)#E6E'(E" (!E "E+E-(. It would have been even more awkward if we had “re:gifted” the statue. 'o. /%&( . I'6 I' 6Y -%/E '" !E-E'+ (!E /E" I -E'(E". thanks./irthdays. I+ (!E-E 'Y(!I'3 I 0 ' "% .Everyone acts a little differently around their birthday. “You can take it back if you don't like it. that robe in the closet8 I always feel uncomfortable when room service comes and I'm in a robe. #%5E I(4” . "%''( 3I5E 6E ' E-.E#0%6E (% 6Y -%%6. It can be hard to give a gift. '" (!EY J&+( #%5E I(.here's 7at gigantic statue8” “&!!!. I'6 '%( 3E((I'3 Y%& 'Y(!I'3.-%6 /%(! %.%. I 3%( ' I"E 4 !%. “ h. “.E#8” (he indoor . though. I( %&(. . You know8 It's like.%+E= %' 6Y /I-(!" Y4” It is fun getting getting those gifts. You ever see someone outside in a robe8 (hey look like they . + .” nd the *erson that gives it is always like. J ) ' . I'## J&+( (!-%. . . #ike I'm trying to seduce the room service guy. &+. !ow'd we even come u* with the robe8 . (he .%-$ %' 6Y /I-(!" Y. about to shoot a *orno8 It's a weird *iece of clothing.acket.” “I 0 ''( /E#IE5E I'6 ) YI'3 . “..E 6 $E 0% ( %&( %. I('+ I' (!E "E+E-( I' -I>%' .Y%& (% /E 6%-E 0-EE)Y8” You ever get a candle as a gift8 “Yeah.! ( (% 3E( !I6.ust let me know.as some guy like. “I 0 ''( /E#IE5E I'6 3%I'3 (% . beautiful statue from the .

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