This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Tee: hi mark_: hi Tee: i need u tonight. mark_: ok Tee: ok mark_: tell me what goin on? Tee: I realized that I have never been loved because I don't allow it. mark_: ok mark_: and you feel what? Tee: If any man shows me love I am too busy trying to tell him why he shouldnt love me than just allowing the love. Tee: I have been having extreme anxiety the past few nights mark_: oooh becaus of this? Tee: its like that FEAR feeling you fell when ure scared for REAL! mark_: i know the feeling yes Tee: i have that feeling but im not afraid of anything Tee: its justa physical feeling mark_: ah Tee: i dont imagine bad things happening to me... mark_: thats anxiety Tee: i see only good. Tee: i know.. mark_: ok mark_: maybe you should start with the physical first mark_: because anxiety can make you tremendously irrational mark_: so I would say physically move, exercise, even try to meditate mark_: if you havent meditated then you should start mark_: meditation is just a simple practice of focusing on one thing. but that is just to bring you into the here and now Tee: i have studied and do it, with guided meditation mark_: dont let forboding or worry enter your mind mark_: oh ok Tee: but i never think to do it when im feeling this way Tee: i just melt into the feeling... mark_: ok well its a good remedy Tee: i had my friend tell me to never contact him again Tee: im so mean mark Tee: i push men away so fast and it hurts them I know it! mark_: ok is this from a recent experience?
Tee: yes, recently i met a wonderful man on the net, have no idea his age, race or marital status but we both were into ALL the same things! mark_: k Tee: he HAS my degree in MFT and is going for his Phd Tee: i wa sso excited to talk to him! Tee: before we could though...my anxiety told me to tell him I couldnt talk to him anymore. Tee: SO I did what it said. mark_: ah Tee: ANd i told him I wouldnt contact him ever again. mark_: and what told you to tell him this? Tee: and the same with my friend Jason, we had just started to tal again...and the anxiety said, "Don't put up with him! He's not your friend!" SO I cursed him out and he told me not to contact him again. Tee: He says he is tired of the instability. Tee: I feel so bad... Tee: I am too much for most people to handle.. mark_: i understand that u feel bad but what is telling you to tell them these things? Tee: i am now realizing..its myself. Tee: im telling me to do these things... Tee: and i dont know how to stop it. mark_: but interestingly enough u said it was your anxciety? Tee: yes, I am trying to take the problem OUTSIDE of me.. Tee: even though I know its ME who is talking to myself..in my mind...I still want to seperate from it...in my conscious mind. mark_: but what are u feeling that motivated you to say these things? Tee: fear mark_: ok and this fear creates a sense of anxiety? Tee: hmm..i guess. the fear is the anxiety. Its not a rational fear ..I'm not afraid of anything bad happening...It's like my subconscious is and I'm not but I listen to it when it warns me but when I see people, even men, I tend to see love but then I get a reminder from deep within...to stay away. Tee: and i listen to it. mark_: ok. so let me clarify and correct me if Im worng.... mark_: you 'have male friends and some are fairly new possible romantic interests..... Tee: i HAD male friends..i pushed them all away. They want nothing to do with me... mark_: ok hold up mark_: lets talk about the new one first Tee: there IS no new one..we dont talk anymore. mark_: ok but there was a new one someone you met recently Tee: yes...all of them recently Tee: but i drive EVERY ONE of them away! mark_: ok and you two hit if off well? Tee: yes at the beginning..but I DRIVE THEM AWAY! mark_: ok hold on dont analyze yourself so quickly mark_: you met a person
mark_: he seemed cool mark_: you liked him? mark_: interesting conversations? Tee: yes! mark_: same interests? mark_: how long ago was this? Tee: yes ALL OF THEM! Tee: 2 days ago! mark_: oh ok mark_: so he seemed like a good potential romantic interest then.... mark_: is that what you thoughtz? Tee: not really, but an intellectually intimate interest...I was more interested in his mind. I dont even know what he looked like. I wanted to seduce his mind. Tee: But I FUCKED IT UP! Tee: mad emyself seem crazy..too quickly! LOL mark_: hold on hold on....dont judge yet mark_: lets just look at this and put all the cards on the table....no emotional subjectiveness just yet Tee: i have no idea where u are going with this? Im crazy..i want to change. end of story. mark_: so far...good guy smart...have same interests ...then what? Tee: then anxiety tells me that he wont like me, hurry up and delete him before he hurts me, rejects me. Tee: So I do the rejecting first. mark_: ok mark_: what did u say to him? Tee: WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME TO RELIVE THIS? mark_: because it is important information... Tee: u already know the outcome... Tee: WHY is this important? mark_: i just want to know what started the onset of anxiety Tee: i feel so STUPID just thinking about it...and u want me to say all the details... mark_: hold on you can feel badly in a minute Im just asking you to with hold all that just for a minute Tee: o..i feel it NOW! mark_: so you were talking with himand all of a sudden....what Tee: and the more i tell it, the more I think about it, the worse I feel. mark_: yes I understand Tee: ok. I'll play. mark_: thank you Tee: nicre chat..i had to leave. to go hang with friends. mark_: is that what u said? Tee: before I did, we were trying to figure out how we were gnna chat. Tee: cuz we were chatting on twitter which is 140 characters..not enough mark_: ah Tee: turns out he doesnt have yahoo..and I dont have aim mark_: ok
Tee: and he doesnt even have facebook! mark_: lol ok Tee: so im like, how r we gonna chat? and he's like.. You'll manifest something... mark_: what about phone? Tee: And I'm like, boy give me your number. Tee: AN dhe's like...wait...are you crazy, obsessed or crazy? Tee: I said..ust regular crazy Tee: but I promise not to fall in love with you, just your mind. Tee: and he wrote: Didnt think you'd fall in love with me, its the internet and 2009 and ppl are crazy. mark_ has signed out. (11/2/2009 12:47 AM) mark_: ok Tee: but i took it the wrong way. Tee: somehow and that anxiety started to well up... mark_: around this time? Tee: and i started hearing, "He doesnt want to talk to you. He's gonna think you're crazy." Tee: yes... mark_: k Tee: "Tell him to leave you alone. he's a man. He's a man." mark_: is that what u said to yourself? he's a man? Tee: yes. mark_: ok mark_: thats the most interesting thing you said mark_: and then what did he say? mark_: did it end there? Tee: yes, i typed him a message that said that "I wish you weren't a man because then I wouldn't have to remove you frm my life. Nice knowing you..." Tee: and i deleted him from my account. both ways. mark_: ah Tee: but the anxiety didnt stop! mark_: i know mark_: what did u think afterwards? Tee: i thought, IM SO STUPID. I NEVER HAVE ANY FRIENDS! I PUSH EVERYONE AWAY! Tee: WHATS WRONG WITH ME! WHY CAN"T I JUST TRUST THEM? Tee: Im TIRED OF LIVING LIKE THIS! mark_: so you started a downward cycle of irrational thoughts? mark_: causing a major anxiety fit Tee: no..i was stating the truth of my beliefs. mark_: well not really Tee: i called the suicide hotline.. mark_: but thats ok mark_: ooh ok Tee: cuz i just needed someone to talk to..i thought I was going crazy.. mark_: thats good
mark_: let me know when I can chime in about this because I am developing some thoughts Tee: ok..go ahead..i ust feel horrible talking about it... mark_: yes I understand mostly us humans do feel horrible but I think the anxiety if coming from frustration from not being able to fix a problem that repeatedly happens mark_: our minds constantly looks for answers and if they dont fond on than massive assumptions will take its place Tee: YES! i realized that tonite! my problem is mainly with the fact that i have FIXED the problem yet! Tee: HAVE NOT... mark_: yes i know Tee: i feel like Im failing myself... Tee: cuz there's so much more I can be doing right now.. mark_: ok and how is that working for you? Tee: what? Tee: u sure weren't trained at MY school?!! LOL mark_: well you seem to have figured out why you do what you do and your perscription to yourself was to self indulge in misery Tee: yes! Tee: now i dont know how to change that! mark_: not sure that was the right perscription darling lol mark_: well we can try to figure out what the right perscription is mark_: can I chime in now? Tee: yes mark_: well first i think you felt rejected.... thats not a eye opener but what you said about I am not felling in love with you Im falling in love with your mind was interesting. mark_: I think what you meant by "mind" was what we can call "eros" the intimate bond between two people mark_: but I think what you were referring to as "fall in love" was the physical bond or the uncontrollable emotional attachments Tee: whatever...this has nothing to do with anything...where r u going boy? mark_: I think we all "fear" that because there is a lose of self when we start a relationship Tee: ohhhh....i see. Tee: i see... Tee: the fear is of becoming attached... mark_: so what you were fearing was nothing uncommon we all fear that Tee: and having that person not want to be attached back. mark_: so there is definitely this push away when someone gets too close am I right? Tee: so its fear that they wont like me. Tee: YES! immediately! Tee: i tell them all the reasons why they shouldt like me. mark_: ok well i think that we have to be self aware of our fears and contend with them mark_: maybe we can use an analogy..... mark_: say that I am afraid of spiders mark_: i feel anxiety whn I think of them and avoid them
mark_: this is only a subconcious pattern I developed that has no rational sense to the conscious mind mark_: so the remedy is to break the pattern and develop a new one mark_: some psychologists use self hypnosis or even new experiences that contradict old ideas mark_: for instance did you know that tarantulas are not poisonous and for the most part very gentle creatures? Tee: eww..next image.. mark_: lol mark_: but to be afraid of them irrational I think being self aware is the first part which I believe you have covered well mark_: I think that you and many others have a variety of very modern day issues....fear of intimacy due to the surrender of self and fear of rejection mark_: I cannot know where these stem from but I believe they are coming from an early past experience. Tee: but women usually at least ALLOW the man to call or at least a CHANCE..i neve rgive chances..first sign I see that he may even one day think about hurting me...I am GONE! mark_: i know thats a hypersensitivity from past traumas Tee: how do i stop it? mark_: well....somewhat like the advice you gave me when I was hypersensitive towards other people's remarks Tee: FUCK THEM? mark_: you are now aware that what you are thinking and feeling is an over reaction and that you know have a choice to follow an over reaction like I have done over and over or maybe possibly try something new. Tee: who told u that? Tee: it makes sense to me... mark_: ....try something new? maybe? Tee: but when im IN the overreaction...I cant tell its an overreaction. mark_: think of it like science...cause, effect cause effect, hate effect hate effect try something new and see what happens mark_: thats ok we all do it Tee: what would be the new thing to do? mark_: but your smart you know what your "buttons" are Tee: the opposite of what Im doing now. mark_: well try not to self sabotage Tee: I'm pushing men away... Tee: Dont sabotage the friendship. Tee: Trust that a man WILL like me. mark_: well this is good because I think that this is a first time you decided to take responsibility for the outcomes in life Tee: opposites of what I'm doing now...umm.. mark_: I am guessign that before it was mostly blaming the external world Tee: not sleep with him the first night... mark_: well hold on
Tee: before it was blaming myself..knowing something deep inside me thought I was unloveable and it was holding me prisoner. mark_: yes undeserving, self loathing all that mark_: cause self destructive behavior Tee: yes mark_: maybe we can start with that then mark_: because I think thats the basis. mark_: that might be your quest to truely love yourself from within mark_: but this has to happen without external validation mind you Tee: and not feel like I have to punish myself..by keeping love away from myself... mark_: yes I think u go through a sadist masochist cycle Tee: yr external validation theory is an interesting one... mark_: of course we all suffer from it Tee: my value comes from how many people I can help...what i can do for others... Tee: btut even when I hear words of appreciation I think to myself, "I could have done a little more." mark_: you have to be careful though because that in itself can become narcissistic and self indulgent Tee: but i feel like i have no purpose outside of helping people to feel good... Tee: so when im not doing that, I feel empty. Tee: like..i am a true servant. Tee: and i enoy it... mark_: that is a passion in your life and that is good mark_: say you and another student were going through a psychologist counceling workshop mark_: and you were doing well and she as was doing good too but made a few mistakes mark_: and she felt horrible about it but you consoled her and said thats ok we are allowed to make mistakes we are new and we are going to get better at this mark_: and that made her feel good Tee: yes! mark_: ok well if you could say that to your friend then why cant you say that very same thing to yourself? Tee: wow... mark_: you might not like me for saying this but mark_: and mind you I happen to go through this myself mark_: that its a form of narcissism that we can easily forgive others but not ourselves mark_: because we on a deep level feel above all that mark_: that we were meant for better Tee: mmm..GOOD POINT! mark_: im glad because I think you a good person with good intentions Tee: all day... Tee: i consciously choose to be a good person, in ever moment. mark_: but I also believe in daily forgiveness of self along with others Tee: i need to try that. mark_: which also means we are among the weary and no better Tee: so true. thank you Mark.