Mozart's Don Giovanni: Alternate Ending A modified version of that envisioned by Chris Callanan's First Year Seminar II class

, Spring 2007 Scene 1 – Don Giovanni's House Don Giovanni has just been dragged down to Hell by the Commendatore's statue. Donna Elvira, Donna Anna, Don Ottavio, Zerlina, and Masetto enter, accompanied by police officials. Donna Elvira, Donna Anna, Don Ottavio, Zerlina, Masetto Where's the scoundrel? Hand him over at once! Leporello He's long gone; You'll never get him now. Donna Elvira, et al. What happened? Tell us quickly! Leporello Well, we met a talking statue in a graveyard, and Don Giovanni must've been been drunk, because he had me invite him to dinner. So the next night, we were sitting at table filled with the cook's finest food. The musicians were playing music when we heard a rapping at the door. Don Giovanni went to answer it, for I was hiding under the table. The statue had taken the invitation! So Don Giovanni invited him in, but he would not eat. Instead he tried to get my master to repent! But Don Giovanni refused, so now he has been taken away from the mortal plane and the floor is scorched and the carpets singed and I've lost my dinner. Don Ottavio Now the miscreant is dead! We can marry, Anna. Donna Anna I am glad that this dreadful business is over, but let's not rush ourselves. Let us wait another year

so that I may recover from my beloved father's death. Police Officer Well, now that's settled, who's up for a beer? There's a tavern down the street. Leporello I could certainly use one. Besides, I am in need of a new master. Perhaps I shall find one there. Scene 2 – Zerlina and Masetto's Household Zerlina and Masetto enter Masetto and Zerlina Now that that miscreant has been justly punished We may indulge in the sacred bonds of marriage! (They fumble with their clothes. Masetto looks at Zerlina's crotch.) Masetto My God, woman! You're a man! Zerlina Whatever do you mean? I know you're mad, Masetto, but there's no need to question my femininity. Masetto You little minx! You hussy! You've always meant trouble for me! And now I'll never live this down! (He picks up a basket of apples that he had picked last Saturday, and starts throwing them at Zerlina, chasing her out of the house.) Scene 3 – Donna Elvira's bedroom Donna Elvira enters and sits on her bed. Donna Elvira What a day! I sure am tired. Spirit of Don Giovanni Boo! Donna Elvira Ah!

Spirit of Don Giovanni Scared you, didn't I? Donna Elvira Don Giovanni, you scoundrel! Aren't you dead? Spirit of Don Giovanni That's got to be the most astounding observation of the year! Showing your brilliance again, I see. Donna Elvira Don't tease me! Spirit of Don Giovanni Whatever. I wanted to be an incubus, but that Commendatore guy had connections that prevented me from it. So then I petitioned to be a poltergeist but that occupation was full. So they made me a wraith. Boo! Donna Elvira Ah! Spirit of Don Giovanni So I figured I'd go haunt you first. After all, it's your fault that I never got with that peasant-girl. Donna Elvira Zerlina? Rumor mill has it that she is actually a he. Spirit of Don Giovanni Really? Whatever. She wore a skirt. Boo! Donna Elvira Ah! (She throws herself out the window.) Spirit of Don Giovanni Crazy woman. (He peers out the window at Zerlina's corpse.)

Scene 4 – Tavern The tavern is bustling with patrons. A group of policemen sit at one table. A very drunk Leporello sits in one corner, nursing a vat of ale. Next to him is a sign that reads “will work for ale”. Donna Elvira's spirit enters. Spirit of Donna Elvira Oh, woe is me! Unloved by that treacherous Don Giovanni. Leporello (Hic)Spare a few coins, miss? Spirit of Donna Elvira I am all alone in this cruel, cold world! Leporello (Hic) You know anyone who (hic) needs a servant? Spirit of Donna Elvira Abandoned by a cruel, unrepentant sinner! (She floats away.) Leporello Crazy (hic) woman. Scene 5 – Don Ottavio's home Don Ottavio and Donna Anna sit on a couch in the living room. Don Ottavio Perhaps we could marry in six months? That would be adequate time to mourn. Donna Anna No, no, I am weighed with the burden of my beloved father's death. I may require two years before I can live normally again. Donna Elvira's spirit floats in. Donna Elvira Oh, I am the most wretched of women! Donna Anna Well, at least your father's still alive. Don Ottavio

Perhaps seven months, then? Donna Elvira No one knows how much pain weighs in my sorrowed heart. Donna Anna My father just died! My heart's sorrowed even more! Don Ottavio Eight months? Donna Elvira I am encumbered with the grief of true love forever lost. (She floats out.) Don Ottavio and Donna Anna Crazy woman. Scene 6 – Lincolnshire, England Zerlina runs in, followed by some poorly aimed apples. A passerby walks up to hir. Zerlina I think I've finally lost him! Passerby What's your name, boy? Zerlina ((S)he looks at the shops around the road. One of them is named “Isaac's Newts and Apothecary”.) Er... Isaac Newt..on. Passerby Isaac Newton, eh? Nice to meet you. I'm Henry More. Zerlina- er, Isaac- picks up an apple and bites into it. Zerlina These are pretty good. Scene 7 – Leipzig, Saxony Masetto walks into the town. Masetto That Zerlina minx! I always knew she'd be the end of me.

I can't go back to Seville now. I'd be the laughingstock of the town! (He looks around.) I suppose this is as good of a place as any to settle down. I'll need a new name, though. Something German... Like Friedrich, or Gottfried. Gottfried. I like that. Gottfried... Leibniz. Gottfried Leibniz.