5

00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:02,320

kids,back to the forwards 2007
6
00:00:02,330 --> 00:00:04,090
i was dating the girl named...
7
00:00:04,100 --> 00:00:05,100
oh, god, what was her name?
8
00:00:05,100 --> 00:00:08,250
you know, it's been 23 years,i can't remember all the staff
9
00:00:08,260 --> 00:00:09,650
for the sake of the story,let's call her...
10
00:00:09,660 --> 00:00:11,000
everyone, this is blahblah.
11
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:14,330
please, call me blah.
12
00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,250
so, blah, how did you two meet?
13
00:00:16,260 --> 00:00:18,390
well, i was taking this cooking class,
14
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,450
french fusion, and everyone already had a partner,
15
00:00:21,460 --> 00:00:25,160
but then i looked up and across a crowded room,
16
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i saw ted.it was magical.
17
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:29,150
it was so magical.
18
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except it wasn't.
19
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she's gonna tell story about the cooking class,

20
00:00:34,530 --> 00:00:38,030
because she's embarrassed we met online.
21
00:00:38,530 --> 00:00:40,120
what? there's no stigma anymore.
22
00:00:40,130 --> 00:00:41,620
oh, there's a stigma.
23
00:00:41,630 --> 00:00:44,120
there's why people always say,"there's no stigma anymore."
24
00:00:44,130 --> 00:00:45,420
so, she's hot?
25
00:00:45,430 --> 00:00:46,520
oh, she's gorgeous.
26
00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:47,590
then she's crazy.
27
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:48,890
no, she's not.
28
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ted, the only hot girls that troll the internet
29
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:55,650
for dudes are crazy,hookers, or dude
30
00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:56,390
okay, she's not crazy.
31
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,420
she's not a hooker.
32
00:00:57,430 --> 00:00:58,350
she's not a dude.
33
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,890
there's this guy i pass on my way to work every day
34
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:03,450
who's all three-- scares the crap out of me.

35
00:01:03,460 --> 00:01:04,990
there is no way she is above the line
36
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,420
on the hot/crazy scale.
37
00:01:06,430 --> 00:01:07,950
she's not even on the hot/crazy scale.
38
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,150
she's just hot.
39
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,990
wait. "hot/crazy scale"?
40
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,250
let me illustrate.
41
00:01:13,260 --> 00:01:14,920
a girl is allowed to be crazy
42
00:01:14,930 --> 00:01:18,790
as long as she is equally hot.
43
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,390
thus, if she's this crazy,
44
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,390
she has to be this hot.
45
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,520
if she's this crazy,
46
00:01:23,530 --> 00:01:26,420
she has to be this hot.
47
00:01:26,430 --> 00:01:29,150
you want a girl to be above this line,
48
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,220
also known as the vickie mendoza diagonal.
49
00:01:32,230 --> 00:01:35,050
this girl i dated, she played jump rope with that line.

50
00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:37,390
she'd shave her head,then lose ten pounds.
51
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:41,050
she'd stab me with a fork,then get a boob job.
52
00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:43,000
i should give her a call.
53
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:57,690
okay, so please,
54
00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:58,920
just play along with her fake story.
55
00:01:58,930 --> 00:02:01,190
we met in a cooking class.
56
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i don't know, ted.
57
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:03,750
i don't know if i can just play along
58
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:06,420
with your crazy girlfriend's fake story.
59
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,320
now, if you had said fake breasts...
60
00:02:08,330 --> 00:02:09,990
she's not crazy.
61
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,520
okay. we'll see.
62
00:02:12,530 --> 00:02:16,050
long story short, thank goodness i'm such a bad cook
63
00:02:16,060 --> 00:02:19,490
or i never would have met ted.
64
00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:20,990
oh, crazy.how cute that is.

65
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,750
it's crazy.
66
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,250
you know who else has a really cute story of how they met?
67
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marshal and lily.
68
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,550
you guys should tell that story, right now.
69
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,050
all right.but spoiler alert.
70
00:02:30,060 --> 00:02:31,520
it ends with everyone saying, "aw!"
71
00:02:31,530 --> 00:02:32,520
aw.
72
00:02:32,530 --> 00:02:34,250
starts with it, too.
73
00:02:34,260 --> 00:02:37,250
when you've been a couple as long as marshal and lily,
74
00:02:37,260 --> 00:02:40,490
telling the how-we-met story becomes a choreographed dance.
75
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:42,890
it was late august, 1996.
76
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:44,890
lily and i were both freshman moving into...
77
00:02:44,900 --> 00:02:47,020
hewitt hall.
78
00:02:47,030 --> 00:02:49,090
and she needed some help setting up her stereo.
79
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for some unknown reason,

80
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i felt drawn to room 110.
81
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:56,020
as if she knew
82
00:02:56,030 --> 00:02:59,120
that someone very special was behind that door.
83
00:02:59,130 --> 00:03:04,220
and as fate would have it that someone was marshall.
84
00:03:04,230 --> 00:03:08,830
it was love at first sight.
85
00:03:09,430 --> 00:03:10,650
aw...
86
00:03:10,660 --> 00:03:12,950
i know, right?
87
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,720
now, they perfected that story over hundreds of tellings.
88
00:03:15,730 --> 00:03:17,690
the first time marshall told it to me,
89
00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:19,120
it was a little different.
90
00:03:19,130 --> 00:03:21,490
dude, this black-haired goth chick stopped by today.
91
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:24,890
want to tap it.
92
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:27,620
you guys are so lucky.
93
00:03:27,630 --> 00:03:29,350
you know, when ted and i were cooking
94
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:30,820
and our hands touched for the first time,

95
00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:32,920
i knew right then that after class
96
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he would take me up on the roof,kiss me and give me a rose.
97
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which he did!
98
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,290
say, "aw."
99
00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:42,050
aw.
100
00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:43,450
i know, right?
101
00:03:43,460 --> 00:03:47,060
i'll get the next round,okay, guys?
102
00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:54,220
anybody would be stressed out meeting new people.
103
00:03:54,230 --> 00:03:55,650
she's not crazy.
104
00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:59,090
crazy-generous maybe,buying us drinks.
105
00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:01,730
shut up.
106
00:04:03,050 --> 00:04:05,360
so how marshall and lily met
107
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,890
robin, how did you and barney meet?
108
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,190
no...
109
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,220
no, no, no, no.

110
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no, no, no, no.no, no, no.
111
00:04:15,830 --> 00:04:20,190
no. no. barney and i are not together. no. no.
112
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,690
really? 16 no's?really?
113
00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:24,720
so you're...
114
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single?
115
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,960
yeah.
116
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,920
oh. so, pretty and single and friends with ted.
117
00:04:30,930 --> 00:04:33,890
great.
118
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:36,120
you know who else is friends with ted?
119
00:04:36,130 --> 00:04:37,120
marshall.
120
00:04:37,130 --> 00:04:38,350
how did we meet?
121
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,750
it was a good story.
122
00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:40,920
i'm going to tell it,right now.
123
00:04:40,930 --> 00:04:42,720
uh, it was the first day of college.
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kids, to understand this story,you need to know

125
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that your uncle marshall was doing something
126
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,050
that lots of college kids do.
127
00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:49,450
how do i say this?
128
00:04:49,460 --> 00:04:55,230
he was, uh...let's say, eating a sandwich.
129
00:04:57,530 --> 00:04:59,250
dude, i heard the dean is coming.
130
00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:02,760
put out your sandwich.
131
00:05:09,660 --> 00:05:12,790
good afternoon, sir.
132
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,250
i'm marshall erickson.
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"sir"? no, please,just call me ted.
134
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:21,190
okay, dean ted.
135
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,350
someone's been eating a sandwich.
136
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,950
what? no. really?
137
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,450
i don't know 'cause i don't even know what sandwiches smell like.
138
00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:33,950
my parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school.
139
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,090
so you're bottom bunk that's cool.

140
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,490
i wanted the top bunk anyway.
141
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:39,750
what do you mean?
142
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:43,230
i'm you're new roommate.
143
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:46,790
so unfair.
144
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,220
i didn't realize ted wasn't the dean
145
00:05:48,230 --> 00:05:50,960
until later that night.
146
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:59,150
you're not the dean.
147
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,150
college-- good times.
148
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,590
oh, i get it. ted told you.i didn't go to college,
149
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,120
so now you're giving me a cute, little backhanded slap.
150
00:06:06,130 --> 00:06:08,950
oh, here we go.
151
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,620
well, while you were busy majoring
152
00:06:10,630 --> 00:06:11,950
in being freakin' beautiful,
153
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:12,950
i was starting
154
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,490
my own line of handbags.

155
00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:15,920
your own line of handbags?
156
00:06:15,930 --> 00:06:17,620
that's crazy.
157
00:06:17,630 --> 00:06:19,220
these have sold in japan.
158
00:06:19,230 --> 00:06:21,050
robin, have you ever sold anything in japan?
159
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:24,790
uh, no. but i would love to buy one of them, if...
160
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,520
where can i get one?
161
00:06:26,530 --> 00:06:28,190
i don't have a distributor here yet,
162
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,620
but thanks for rubbing that in.
163
00:06:29,630 --> 00:06:31,890
why are you trying to undermine me in front of ted?
164
00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:34,590
look, there's nothing going on between me and ted.
165
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,320
wow, that just.came out of nowhere.
166
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:40,150
no, i'm just saying that you have nothing to worry about.
167
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,150
i wasn't worried.are you saying i should be?
168
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,220
no, i'm saying that you shouldn't be.
169
00:06:44,230 --> 00:06:45,290
oh, good, 'cause i'm not.

170
00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:46,850
now, robin,can you just let it go?
171
00:06:46,860 --> 00:06:50,550
you're making all of us really uncomfortable.
172
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:51,590
you know what else is a good story?
173
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:52,990
how barney and i met.
174
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,350
barney, tell that story,right now, please.
175
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,190
okay, ted.this is a crazy story.
176
00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,590
you're going to love it.
177
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,790
tonight's the first time
178
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,190
i'm taking my deaf brother out
179
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,720
since our mom died.
180
00:07:03,730 --> 00:07:06,390
oh, i'm sorry about that.
181
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,890
no, that's okay.
182
00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:09,990
i have to take care of him now.
183
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:13,790
of course, i have had to put my dreams on hold
184
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,420
in order to do it,but...

185
00:07:16,430 --> 00:07:18,950
i'm happy to.
186
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,890
he's my brother and i love him.
187
00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:23,950
i'm sorry,it's all still so fresh.
188
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:29,200
well, man, i'm, uh...i'm really sorry.
189
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:30,790
wow, you bought that?
190
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,050
what?
191
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,720
i just made that up in mid-pee.
192
00:07:33,730 --> 00:07:35,120
if it worked on you,it's definitely going to work
193
00:07:35,130 --> 00:07:37,750
on the blonde chick at the end of the bar.
194
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,020
unless you're a total idiot.
195
00:07:39,030 --> 00:07:40,090
what's your name?
196
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:41,390
ted.
197
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,120
are you a total idiot, ted?
198
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:46,150
well, i'm still having this conversation, so...
199
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,200
well played.

200
00:07:50,260 --> 00:07:51,890
i like you, ted.
201
00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:55,950
ted, i'm going to teach you how to live.
202
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,550
barney.we met at the urinal.
203
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,450
oh, right. hi.
204
00:07:59,460 --> 00:08:02,490
lesson one: lose the goatee;it doesn't go with your suit.
205
00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:03,650
i'm not wearing a suit.
206
00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:04,920
lesson two: get a suit.
207
00:08:04,930 --> 00:08:07,350
suits are cool--exhibit a.
208
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,850
lesson three: don't even think about getting married
209
00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:11,190
until you're 30.
210
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,850
and lesson four:
211
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,590
be totally silent for the next five minutes.
212
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,690
hey, audrey.
213
00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:18,550
uh, this is my deaf brother, edward.
214
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:19,990
edward!

215
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,190
this is audrey!
216
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:28,160
you know, i actually know some sign language.
217
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:32,420
218
00:08:32,420 --> 00:08:33,590
219
00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:35,520
he doesn't sign.
220
00:08:35,530 --> 00:08:37,720
he's embarrassed by his hands.
221
00:08:37,730 --> 00:08:40,760
they're tiny...and lady-like.
222
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:42,240
223
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,490
224
00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:47,390
what? you...are over your hand issues.
225
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,950
it's about time.
226
00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:53,650
227
00:08:53,650 --> 00:08:56,520
228
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,430
here. call me.
229
00:09:07,030 --> 00:09:09,690
and even though that girl ended up giving me a fake number,

230
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,990
i knew that ted and i would be each others wingmen forever.
231
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,050
barney, it's time you knew.
232
00:09:15,060 --> 00:09:17,670
um, that story actually goes a little bit differently.
233
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,300
234
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,890
235
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,750
great. funny.
236
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,790
god, with a wingman like ted,i might need to resort
237
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,720
to meeting someone in a super,desperate and lame way,
238
00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:36,500
like online.
239
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,790
online.
240
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:41,790
online.
241
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,420
oh, my god!you told them?!
242
00:09:43,430 --> 00:09:44,890
okay, yes, i told them.
243
00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:46,520
but it's not a big deal.
244
00:09:46,530 --> 00:09:48,350
lots of people meet on the internet.

245
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,620
that whole scene, a stranger across a crowded room thing-246
00:09:50,630 --> 00:09:52,390
that only happens in the movies.
247
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,690
yeah, that never happens.oh, wait, except you and robin.
248
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:57,000
that's how you guys met, right?
249
00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:59,500
250
00:10:02,460 --> 00:10:05,650
wait, you guys dated?
251
00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:06,650
for how long?
252
00:10:06,660 --> 00:10:08,550
a year.
253
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:09,620
but don't worry.
254
00:10:09,630 --> 00:10:11,320
the relationship wasn't that good.
255
00:10:11,330 --> 00:10:13,890
by the end, it was mostly about sex.
256
00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:15,950
which was not that good.
257
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:16,990
but i was the problem.
258
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,220
i'd just lie there.
259
00:10:19,230 --> 00:10:20,490
ted is, uh,very good.

260
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:25,600
i'm sure he will get you where you need to go.
261
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,290
can i buy your bags online?
262
00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:31,420
oh, oh, i see what's going on here, ted.
263
00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:33,320
i'm just some random girl to make robin jealous,
264
00:10:33,330 --> 00:10:34,450
and after she takes you back,
265
00:10:34,460 --> 00:10:35,920
you probably won't even remember my name.
266
00:10:35,930 --> 00:10:39,290
come on, blahblah,it's not like that.
267
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,690
well, we're closing in the half.
268
00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:45,120
let's see how blahblah is doing on the crazy/hot scale.
269
00:10:45,130 --> 00:10:48,390
she started the night here,but as the night's progressed,
270
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,890
she's gotten crazier but no hotter,
271
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,350
which has caused her to drift across the mendoza diagonal
272
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,890
and dangerously close to the shelly gilespie zone.
273
00:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,490
another girl i dated-274
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:02,590
she gained 20 pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.

275
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,790
i'm sorry i didn't tell you, but seriously,
276
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,420
there's nothing going on with me and robin.
277
00:11:06,430 --> 00:11:08,890
then why has she been trying to undermine me all night?
278
00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:09,920
i mean, look at her.
279
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:12,960
she's laughing at me right now.
280
00:11:15,530 --> 00:11:17,390
i'm sorry,it's just, you know,
281
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,920
lily and marshall's story is so romantic.
282
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,320
i just wish we had something like that.
283
00:11:22,330 --> 00:11:24,450
well, their story's not as magical as it seems.
284
00:11:24,460 --> 00:11:26,020
what do you mean?
285
00:11:26,030 --> 00:11:28,990
no, i, i can't, it's,it's kind of a secret.
286
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,950
well, how about i tell you a little secret
287
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:36,760
about what you might get to do later tonight?
288
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,320
the night before lily met marshall...
289
00:11:42,330 --> 00:11:43,000
...there was this party.

290
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:45,000
291
00:11:50,230 --> 00:11:51,290
you a freshwoman?
292
00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:52,750
i never use the word "freshman."
293
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,120
sexist.
294
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,090
yeah, i'm a first year.
295
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:57,750
i'm in hewitt 220.
296
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,620
no way. hewitt 110.
297
00:11:59,630 --> 00:12:00,820
you should totally come by.
298
00:12:00,830 --> 00:12:03,520
maybe i will, hewitt 110.
299
00:12:03,530 --> 00:12:05,150
chug! chug! chug!
300
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:06,720
chug! chug! chug!
301
00:12:06,730 --> 00:12:09,430
chug!chug! chug!
302
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,320
look at these drunk idiots.
303
00:12:15,330 --> 00:12:17,990
hey, don't drink their two dollar beer.
304
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,220
this is a pinot noir.

305
00:12:19,230 --> 00:12:22,260
from europe.
306
00:12:24,730 --> 00:12:26,750
oh, it's fruity.
307
00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,450
yeah, i cut it with some cranberry juice.
308
00:12:28,460 --> 00:12:31,160
it was pretty strong.
309
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,450
do you have a girlfriend?
310
00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:35,950
yeah.
311
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,250
not sure about the whole "long distance" thing, though.
312
00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:39,320
it's like descartes says.
313
00:12:39,330 --> 00:12:40,950
"in order to determine
314
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,590
"whether there is anything we can know with certainty,
315
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,890
we first have to doubt everything we know."
316
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,460
you know?
317
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,590
but as drunk as she was, when she woke up the next morning,
318
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,820
she still remembered room 110.
319
00:12:58,830 --> 00:13:00,650
that's why she knocked on the door.

320
00:13:00,660 --> 00:13:02,020
she was looking for me.
321
00:13:02,030 --> 00:13:03,150
oh, my god.
322
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,750
yeah, and in all these years,
323
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:06,620
lily and i have never even spoken about it,
324
00:13:06,630 --> 00:13:08,250
so again, mum's thword, okay?
325
00:13:08,260 --> 00:13:09,990
you have to tell marshall.
326
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,650
no, if, if he heard that, it would destroy him.
327
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:16,150
if you don't tell him...
328
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,250
...i will.
329
00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:21,700
oh, come on, you wouldn't.
330
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,120
so, lily,how did you and ted meet?
331
00:13:29,130 --> 00:13:31,620
come on, lily, the real story.
332
00:13:31,630 --> 00:13:33,550
i don't think anyone wants to hear that story.
333
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:37,520
aw, don't be embarrassed, ted,it was a long time ago.
334
00:13:37,530 --> 00:13:39,950
and i made a huge mistake last night,

335
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,820
but it's like descartes says.
336
00:13:41,830 --> 00:13:43,150
"in order to determine whether there is anything
337
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:44,520
"we can know with certainty,
338
00:13:44,530 --> 00:13:47,930
we first have to doubt everything we know."
339
00:13:48,430 --> 00:13:52,320
and i now know for certain that i love you, karen.
340
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:54,720
anyway, call me back when you get this.
341
00:13:54,730 --> 00:13:56,350
i'm also going down to the computer center
342
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,800
to send you an electronic mail.
343
00:14:00,860 --> 00:14:02,950
ted.
344
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,390
this is lily.
345
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:08,220
no, no, i'm sorry,but i love karen.
346
00:14:08,230 --> 00:14:11,250
yes, that is the unabridged story of how lily and i met.
347
00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:12,720
how embarrassing.
348
00:14:12,730 --> 00:14:14,150
-who wants another round? -that's not the story.
349
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,250
ted, tell 'em.

350
00:14:15,260 --> 00:14:16,550
tell us what?um, lily,
351
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,020
will you help us get the next round?
352
00:14:18,030 --> 00:14:19,950
ted, what's going on?
353
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:24,150
she knows about us,about how we really met.
354
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,950
yeah, i know,i just told her.
355
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,890
no, the real story.
356
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,990
ted, what are you talking about?
357
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,720
lily... come on.
358
00:14:32,730 --> 00:14:34,150
come on, what?
359
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,390
lily... come on.
360
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,550
ted, i honestly don't know what you're talking about.
361
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:44,250
lily... come on.
362
00:14:44,260 --> 00:14:46,190
i know that you and ted made out
363
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,120
the night before you met marshall.
364
00:14:48,130 --> 00:14:49,220
what?

365
00:14:49,230 --> 00:14:50,450
ted and i never made out.
366
00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:52,290
yeah... we did.
367
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:54,720
i only made out with one other guy in college
368
00:14:54,730 --> 00:14:58,050
before i met marshall, and it was just some random dude.
369
00:14:58,060 --> 00:15:00,120
i, i don't even remember his name.
370
00:15:00,130 --> 00:15:01,820
i just call him too much tongue guy.
371
00:15:01,830 --> 00:15:03,520
what? too much tongue guy?
372
00:15:03,530 --> 00:15:05,290
well, i'm not surprised to hear that
373
00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:07,450
coming from unreasonably small mouth opening girl.
374
00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:09,120
that wasn't me.
375
00:15:09,130 --> 00:15:11,790
yes, it was, at the freshman orientation party.
376
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,990
no, no, no, no, no.
377
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,090
no, no.
378
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:19,920
no, no, no, no, no!
379
00:15:19,930 --> 00:15:21,520
how much fun is this?

380
00:15:21,530 --> 00:15:24,320
all of us reminiscing about how we met me?
381
00:15:24,330 --> 00:15:26,720
robin, have i told you how i met marshall?
382
00:15:26,730 --> 00:15:28,290
uh, yeah,like five or six times-383
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:29,890
it was right over there.
384
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:31,150
here's your problem.
385
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,120
you've only slept with one woman.
386
00:15:33,130 --> 00:15:35,450
those kind of stats are only okay if you're 11,
387
00:15:35,460 --> 00:15:36,450
but tonight
388
00:15:36,460 --> 00:15:38,650
we're getting you a new girl
389
00:15:38,660 --> 00:15:40,320
because,marshall eriksen,
390
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:44,550
from this moment on, i make all your decisions for you.
391
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:48,690
i'm sorry,who, who are you again?
392
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:50,490
this is barney; i met him the other day.
393
00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:51,520
he's kind of a jackass.
394
00:15:51,530 --> 00:15:53,520
i'm teaching ted how to live,

395
00:15:53,530 --> 00:15:55,790
and-- lucky you-- i have room for one more student.
396
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,290
think of me as yoda
397
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:59,850
as yoda, only instead of being little and green,
398
00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:01,990
i wear suits and i'm awesome.
399
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,290
i'm your bro.
400
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:04,820
i'm bro-da.
401
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:06,150
and tonight,
402
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,690
you're going to use the force
403
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,290
to get the hottest chick in this bar into bed.
404
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:11,990
he's going to use force?
405
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,420
cause that sounds wrong, bro-da.
406
00:16:14,430 --> 00:16:16,020
no, the force.
407
00:16:16,030 --> 00:16:17,950
it's a star wars reference.
408
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,920
so we should make lots of star wars references around girls.
409
00:16:19,930 --> 00:16:21,320
that's what you're saying?

410
00:16:21,330 --> 00:16:23,320
i'm not going to cheat on my girlfriend.
411
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:26,690
yes, you are, with the hottiest that just walked in.
412
00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:27,650
look at her.
413
00:16:27,660 --> 00:16:29,220
how much hotter is she
414
00:16:29,230 --> 00:16:31,720
than your girlfriend?
415
00:16:31,730 --> 00:16:34,690
there's no comparison.
416
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:35,720
what do you think, ted?
417
00:16:35,730 --> 00:16:36,720
-no. -should i go for it?
418
00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:37,920
don't do it, man.
419
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,050
i mean, think about lily.
420
00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:41,320
you know what? i don't care.
421
00:16:41,330 --> 00:16:43,350
i've been with one woman for too long.
422
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,430
i need me some strange.
423
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:48,690
pep talk.
424
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:50,320
you can do this,

425
00:16:50,330 --> 00:16:52,950
but to be more accurate, you probably can't.
426
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,950
you're way out of practice and she is way too hot for you,
427
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:59,350
so remember, tonight isn't about scoring.
428
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,250
it's about believing that you can do it
429
00:17:02,260 --> 00:17:05,220
even though you probably can't.
430
00:17:05,230 --> 00:17:08,000
go get 'em, tiger.
431
00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:19,000
poor guy's going to crash and burn.
432
00:17:21,130 --> 00:17:24,590
that man is a god.
433
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:25,650
for like a week after,
434
00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:27,750
barney followed me around
435
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,490
asking me to teach him how to live.
436
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:31,350
i even got him to do my laundry once.
437
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:34,390
i thought it was a mr.miyagi kind of thing.
438
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,520
marshall, i need to talk to you.
439
00:17:36,530 --> 00:17:38,120
can we go somewhere in private?

440
00:17:38,130 --> 00:17:39,790
yeah, of course. what's wrong?
441
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,250
lily and ted made out.
442
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:44,050
what do you think of that, robin?
443
00:17:44,060 --> 00:17:45,350
what are you talking about?
444
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,020
you know that guy i made out with
445
00:17:47,030 --> 00:17:48,990
at the freshman orientation party?
446
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,920
too much tongue guy, yeah.
447
00:17:50,930 --> 00:17:52,320
and you know that girl i made out with
448
00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:53,890
at the freshman orientation party?
449
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:57,020
unreasonably small mouth opening girl, yeah.
450
00:17:57,030 --> 00:17:58,490
i'm too much tongue guy.
451
00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:01,120
and i'm unreasonably small mouth opening girl.
452
00:18:01,130 --> 00:18:03,320
worst superheroes ever.
453
00:18:03,330 --> 00:18:05,750
oh, baby, i am so sorry.
454
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:07,390
i dot think you need to be.

455
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,590
i was at that party.
456
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,250
it was dark and, granted,
457
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:13,790
i had eaten quite a few sandwiches, but i'm 100% sure
458
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,720
that unreasonably small mouth opening girl
459
00:18:15,730 --> 00:18:17,620
was alexa leskeys, not lily.
460
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:18,650
really?
461
00:18:18,660 --> 00:18:20,020
yeah, i'm positive,
462
00:18:20,030 --> 00:18:22,920
and too much tongue guy was colin o'reilly.
463
00:18:22,930 --> 00:18:23,950
are you sure?
464
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,290
if it wasn't,
465
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:29,030
i peed in the wrong guy's shampoo, man.
466
00:18:30,060 --> 00:18:32,220
you don't really believe that, do you?
467
00:18:32,230 --> 00:18:36,550
you swore it was lily.
468
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,250
i guess i made a mistake.
469
00:18:39,260 --> 00:18:41,650
must have been alexa.

470
00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:44,350
another girl, ted?
471
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,890
who haven't you made out with?
472
00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,690
you know what? i don't need this.
473
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:49,790
i design handbags, i'm writing a memoir,
474
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,120
i'm a superstar, this is totally my year.
475
00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:54,450
someday the name blahblah will be up in lights.
476
00:18:54,460 --> 00:18:56,550
and, ted, next time you're online
477
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,920
playing world of warcraft,
478
00:18:57,930 --> 00:19:01,460
don't even think about chatting with me.
479
00:19:03,330 --> 00:19:06,220
world of warcraft?
480
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:07,350
the online
481
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:08,850
role-playing game?
482
00:19:08,860 --> 00:19:10,350
that's how you two
483
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,490
"met online"?
484
00:19:13,290 --> 00:19:16,660

485
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:19,530
486
00:19:19,930 --> 00:19:21,500
487
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,970
488
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:26,190
yeah, it's a really--it's a cool game.
489
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,820
so suffice it to say,
490
00:19:27,830 --> 00:19:30,490
blahblah did not turn out to be your mother,
491
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:32,690
and as for the girl i made out with at the party,
492
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:35,350
there wasn't a doubt in my mind that was your aunt lily.
493
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,190
but, you know, that magical story
494
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,020
of how she and uncle marshall met,
495
00:19:39,030 --> 00:19:42,690
it was worth preserving, so i kept my mouth shut.
496
00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:45,050
i guess i made a mistake.
497
00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:46,550
must have been alexa.
498
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,450
until our 20th college reunion
499
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:52,850
when i ran into alexa leskeys.

500
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:57,420
so, ted, remember the last time we were here?
501
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,420
you and me?
502
00:19:58,430 --> 00:19:59,420
no idea.
503
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:03,220
ted... come on.
504
00:20:03,230 --> 00:20:07,460
freshman year, we were both pretty drunk?
505
00:20:13,430 --> 00:20:16,090
that was you?
506
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:18,150
lily, we never made out.
507
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,250
i know.
508
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:22,550
so i am not too much tongue guy.
509
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,030
actually...
510
00:20:29,830 --> 00:20:33,920
look what i've confiscated from some kids.
511
00:20:33,930 --> 00:20:36,420
that is a fat sandwich.
512
00:20:36,430 --> 00:20:40,230
i know, right?
513
00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:49,730
chew, chew, chew,chew, swallow.
514
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:53,890
oh, that's all right,honey.

515
00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:56,520
sandwiches are strong these days.
516
00:20:56,530 --> 00:20:58,090
i can't believe i used to be able to eat
517
00:20:58,100 --> 00:21:00,020
a whole sandwich by myself.
518
00:21:00,030 --> 00:21:03,320
now it's like two bites and i am done.
519
00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:05,420
baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?
520
00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:08,660
dude, we're 42.
521
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:13,030
w-w-where's my wife?
522
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000
523
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000

0
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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