You are on page 1of 23

INT. PETERS CLASSROOM PETER NELSON (23), stands at the front of the classroom writing on a chalk board.

PETER So as I explained, The KIMBERLY (16), with super model looks, raises her hand. KIMBERLY Mr. Nelson? PETER glances at KIMBERLYS cleavage before catching himself. PETER Yes Kimberly? (she ask a question) PETER Yes. INT. HALLWAY PETER walks down the hall. VANESSA (30) a tall, brunette woman, passes him. They make brief but significant eye contact. MR. DIKLIKAGE (43), comes up to PETER. MR. DIKLIKAGE I had to see it to believe it. F.F.F. right back here at Stanley Williams High! PETER Please dont call me F.F.F. MR. DIKLIKAGE Fine, Mr. uhhh.... PETER (helping him get it) Nel.... MR. DIKLIKAGE Nel... Nelly. PETER Nelson, my name is Peter Nelson.


MR. DIKLIKAGE Oh right, you used to be Peter Fa... PETER (cuts him off) Dont! MR. DIKLIKAGE shrugs. MR. DIKLIKAGE I couldve guessed youd become a teacher Nelly. Never were one for ambition, or good grades, or getting laid. PETER What does that have to do wth anything? MR. DIKLIKAGE (CONT) Nothing just needs to be said (just consonants) Ffffffff. But fuck I cant blame you for wanting to teach. Babysitting a bunch of brats for 6 hours a day. Easiest job I ever had. Good thing Im terrible at it. MR. DIKILIKAGE laughs. PETER Yeah I remember. MR. DIKLIKAGE (stern) Watch your mouth F.F.F. INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE PETER enters and looks around. Its a shabby room with a couch and kitchenette. VANESSA sits and watches tv. PETER sits down and grabs a magazine. He peeks behind it to stare at VANESSA, she sees. VANESSA (friendly) Hello. PETER Oh hey.


VANESSA Im Vanessa. VANESSA shakes his hand. PETER Oh hey. beat. VANESSA And you are? PETER Oh uh... Im Peter Nelson, the new history teacher. VANESSA (laughs) Oh youre the other new guy. I thought you were a student here! PETER looks embarrassed. VANESSA (CONT) (sincere) No no no no, I didnt mean it like that. You looked like a super senior who was left back a year... Im bad with ages. PETER smiles. PETER What do you do here? VANESSA Im the schools new music teacher. PETER (understated) Oh. VANESSA (smiles) Ugh, people always seem to think that I tried to be a rock star and bottomed out. I actually wanted to be a teacher. You certainly got into fast, I assume youre the same way. CUT TO:


INT. ADVISING OFFICE - FLASHBACK TITLE: 2011 A slightly younger PETER sits across from a STUDENT ADVISER. PETER I have no ambition, my grades suck. Im not just good at anything. STUDENT ADVISER (smiles) Have you considered becoming a high school teacher? PETER looks curious. CUT BACK TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE PETER Pretty much. VANESSA Its amazing. Were going to have thousands of students during our time here. If we do our jobs right, we can seriously make a difference in the world. PETERs mulls this over. MR. DIKILIKAGE enters.

MR. DIKLIKAGE Hey hey, Vennesa right? VANESSA Yes hello again Trevor. met Peter? Have you

MR. DIKLIKAGE Met him? Taught him for four years? Aint that right Nell Nell? VANESSA Nell Nell? PETER Its a nickname... I guess of Nelson?


MR. DIKLIKAGE Well Nelly but you got the right idea. MR. DIKLIKAGE makes food in the microwave. VANESSA Ive been a big fan of nicknames. In high school everyone called me "Bunny" because I ate carrot sticks a lot. It made a bit self consciousness. Peter forces out a giggle. VANESSA (CONT) Did you have a nickname in high school? PETER Uh... yeah... um... I dont think so. MR. DIKLIKAGE puts his arms behind the couch. What? MR. DIKLIKAGE Sure you did Fa... PETER (cutting him off) Ahh! What? VANESSA What was it? PETER

MR. DIKLIKAGE gives PETER a shit eating grin and nod. sighs. PETER Fat fucking faggot. MR. DIKLIKAGE pumps his fist. Yes! MR. DIKLIKAGE Faggots back! PETER looks

MR. DIKLIKAGE struts out of the room. mortified, VANESSA confused.

PETER It started when I was in second grade.

6. INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL HALLWAY - FLASHBACK TITLE: 1998 7-YEAR OLD PETER is dressed up as a bunny, he cries as groups of children laugh at him. PETER (V.O.) My Mom thought it would be cute for me to dress up as Peter Rabbit for Halloween. Problem was. Then it happened... CHILD points to 7-YEAR OLD PETER. YOUNG CHILD Hey look everyone its (slow mo/close up on mouth) Peter Faggot. Real time, the children chant. CHILDREN Peter Faggot! Peter Faggot! PETER (V.O.) The name stuck... until three years later. 7-YEAR OLD PETER crinkles his nose as he cries. INT. 4TH GRADE CLASSROOM - FLASHBACK TITLE: 2001 11-YEAR OLD PETER, his classmates and MS. KATHY watch jaws dropped at the 9/11 attacks via a tube TV. JEREMY (12), pushes 11-YEAR OLD PETER out of the way. JEREMY I cant see Peter Faggot! A crying 11-YEAR OLD PETER approaches MS. KATHY. 11-YEAR OLD PETER Mr. Kathy Jeremy pushed me. MS. KATHY (snapping) You think I care about that right now, you Peter fucking Faggot! MS. KATHYs eyes fixate on the screen while the students grin.


JEREMY (holding back laughter) Fucking Faggot... The students start to laugh as the twin towers crumble on screen CHILDREN (chanting) Fucking Faggot! Fucking Faggot! 7-YEAR OLD PETER has a look of dread on his face. INT. 9TH GRADE CLASSROOM - FLASHBACK TITLE: 2004 14-YEAR OLD PETER sits in a class room, at the front stands a slightly younger MR. DIKLIKAGE. 14-YEAR OLD PETER raises his hand. MR. DIKLIKAGE (straight-faced) Yes, Fucking Faggot? 14-YEAR OLD PETER (awkward) Can you please just call me Peter? MR. DIKLIKAGE We already have a Peter in this class. 14-YEAR OLD PETER But he goes by Pete. PETE Just shut up Fucking Faggot. The other students laugh. PETER (V.O.) I didnt really have much in the way of friends... so by the time I was 16... I turned to other ways of making myself feel better.


INT. HALLWAY - FLASHBACK TITLE: 2007 16-YEAR OLD PETER walks down the hallway scarfing down a chipotle burrito, hes quite heavy and pimply faced. He walks down the hallway head held down, and approaches his locker, an OLDER JEREMY leans against it. PETER glares. JEREMY Can I help you Fucking Faggot? 16-YEAR OLD PETER Youre standing over my locker Jeremy. JEREMY leans up. JEREMY starts to open his locker.

JEREMY Oh excuse me F.F. Maybe if youre werent so chubby you could bend down and get books without making me move. 16-YEAR OLD PETERbends down to his locker. JEREMY (CONT) Yeah Fucking Faggot. Fat Fucking Faggot. Theres a tinkle in Jermeys eye. JEREMY (CONT) Fat Fucking Faggot. He he he he he he! 16-YEAR OLD PETER gets up and takes a great big sigh. 16-YEAR OLD PETER (unenthusiastic, ironic) Fat fucking Faggot. Fat Fucking Faggot. STUDENTS (chanting) Fat fucking Faggot! Fat Fucking Faggot!


EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY TITLE: 2008 18-YEAR OLD PETER, still quite hefty, sits in a graduation gown along with his entire class. MR. HANSON stands on stage reading from a list of names. PETER (V.O.) Finally the day came when I heard that name for the last. MR. HANSON Jessica Neller! The crowd cheers. MR. HANSON Fat Fucking Faggot! INSET: FACEBOOK PROFILE A message reads "Happy B-Day Fat Fucking Faggot!" PETER (V.O.) Well, aloud anyway. INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE VANESSA bursts out laughing, PETER smiles. VANESSA That is the saddest story Ive ever heard. Well I dont think youre a Fat Fucking Faggot... Peter. PETER looks down, smitten. PETER So Vanessa I uh... I They make eye contact. PETER (CONT) I.. I... uh... gotta go. you around. PETER jumps up and exits. See you


INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS PETER closes the door behind him. on the door three times. VANESSA (through door) Its open. END OF ACT II. INT. PETERS CLASSROOM Its dimly lit. PETER sits at his desk with an acoustic guitar. He strums a few cords. PETER (sad folk singing) I saw you coming. And knew youd be mine. Lovely lady, let me show you a... The door opens. In a ridiculously fast motion, PETER throws his guitar under his desk. GREG enters. PETER You didnt hear anything! GREG What are you talking about? PETER Nothing. Uh, What are you doing here Mr. Flabergasterstien? GREG Im here to talk about the quiz we got back today. GREG grabs a paper out of his bag ad hands it to PETER. PETER Oh I see what went wrong. You didnt fill out most of the answers. GREG Right, I was wondering if you could give me a break on that. In frustration he bangs


PETER Eh... I dont think I could do that Mr. Flabergasterstien. GREG But wait, wait I have a reason. Look, Im sure you can tell by now Im smarter than most of the class but... I have a problem. PETER What is it? GREG You know Kimberly right? The beautiful blond who sits in front of me. INT. PETERS CLASSROOM - FLASHBACK A silent, blurry flashback. PETER (V.O.) Yeah uh... I think I remember her. PETER looks uncomfortable as he tries not to look at KIMBERLY, bending down to pick up a pencil with only a skirt on. INT. PETERS CLASSROOM PETER (CONT) Why? GREG Im in love with her. so... perfect. Shes just

GREG subtlety makes the motion of grabbing a persons ass, that turns to clenching fists in frustration. PETER laughs. PETER Oh man Greg, look Ive been there before. All you gotta do is... PETERs face grows blank, GREG waits for a response. PETER looks like hes about to speak, but holds his tongue.


PETER (CONT) What do you like about her? GREG Her face, boobs and butt mostly. PETER Come on, theres gotta be more than that? What clubs is she in? GREG shrugs. GREG I dont think that matters. wanted to give this a try. But I

GREG opens his back pack and pulls out a piece of paper. GREG (CONT) Its a poem I wrote for her. Without thought PETER grabs the paper and tears it into little pieces. GREG (CONT) Hey! PETER Dont do that! Do not do that! GREG Why? PETER That doesnt work. Okay look... if you want Kimberly to be your girlfriend just... A look of clarity comes over his face. PETER (CONT) Ask her out. GREG looks skeptical. GREG Oh come on, I need to do something better than that. Im a nice guy, not some jock douche. I need to use my talents to woo her.


PETER No, no okay, dont do that. Please, just ask her out. Say, "Hey Kimberly, I was thinking, do you want to have dinner with me some time?". Do that tomorrow, Im gonna head off, so Ill see you tomorrow. PETER walks towards the exit. GREG But what about my quiz? PETER Oh uh... Some dumb little quiz from high school isnt going to effect your life. At all. PETER exits. INT. MR. BRIMINOPLES OFFICE PETER sits across from ROGER BRIMINOPLE (62) a chubby, jolly man. ROGER (enthusiastic) So Peter, its great to see you back here. PETER Thanks a lot sir, it really means a lot to hear that from someone. ROGER Cut that Sir hickey out. Roger from now on. Its

PETER Noted Roger. So you wanted to see me? ROGER Yes. I received a call from Greg Flabergasterstiens mother. Apparently theres been some mix up with her sons quiz grade.


Mix up?

PETER Oh no, he just failed it.

ROGER Right, right, of course. BUt you know, sometimes telling kids there great enough wil just, yaknow, rub off on them and make it true. PETER Uh... Im not sure I follow. ROGER (stern) Okay Ill be frank. this school Peter. PETER looks confused. ROGER (hushed) Its the parents. They can do whatever they want. I find it best to just to stay int he shadows. Give kids good grades and hire teachers who are a bit.... uhh... PETER waits for his answer. ROGER (CONT) Unmotivated. PETER frowns. ROGER (CONT) Hey hey, youre a great F.F.F PETER looks offended. ROGER Sorry, force of habit. Look Peter, maybe just change the kids grade. PETER looks unamused. beat. PETER Fine, whatever.

I dont run

15. INT. HALLWAY PETER slumps through the hallway. He sees VANESSA lkasing the other way, and straightens himself up. On the other side he sees KIMBERY bending doen to reach her locker, and tries his damnest to keep his eyes on VANNESA. GREG runs down the hallway and hides behind PETER. PETER (hushed) What are you doing. GREG (hushed) Im working up my nerves. PETER Okay, well everyone can see you right now. Everyone but KIMBERLY stares at GREG, he comes out from behind PETER. Everyone goes about their day. GREG approaches KIMBERLY, she finished at her locker and akes eye contact with him. Beat. VANESSA approaches a cringing PETER. VANESSA Hey Peter, whats going on? PETER What, oh sorry I uh... my students over there are uh... you know never mind. How are you doing? VANESSA Long day today. PETER I heard that. GREG appchers PETER. GREG Help me. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo PETER Because Fat Fucking Faggots dont ask out pretty girls. GREG looks angry and storms out.


PETER (CONT) Yeah. Why dont you go tell your mommy again F.F.F. PETER has a scole on his face. INT. HALLWAY PETER walks down the hallway with determination. INT. VANNESSAS CLASSROOM PETER enters to find VANESSA playing the piano, she stops as he enters. VANESSA Oh hey, whats up? PETER Vannessa uh... I was thinking, do you want to have dinner with me some time? VANESSA gives a slight look of pity VANESSA Oh Peter Im sorry but I have a boyfriend. PETER (upset) Oh... VANESSA But I appreciate the offer. ROGER enters. ROGER Hey Peter hows your day been? ROGER approaches VANESSA and kisses her. VANESSA Hi sweety. ROGER Ready to go my love love bunny? They nussel noses. He takes a deep breath.


INT. PETERS CLASSROOM PETER sits once again in a dark classroom playing his guitar. PETER Pretty girls dont like Fat Fucking Faggots. Pretty girls are like... stay away from me... maggot. Theres a knock at the door. PETER puts his guitar away and and opens the door. KIMBERLY enters holding a packet. PETER Oh Ms. Day. KIMBERLY Hi Mr. Nelson. PETER You here to talk about the quiz. KIMBERLY Yeah. PETER Just call your mother and have her change the grade. KIMBERLY What? No Im not upset with my grade, I just had a question. PETER What? (asks question here) PETER Oh well. (explains answer here) KIMBERLY Okay great! I just wanted to let you know Im really enjoying the class so far. PETER Really?


KIMBERLY Yeah, youre really smart and talented. And a pretty good guitarist too. PETER looks shocked. hair. KIMBERLY giggles and plays with her

KIMBERLY (sultry) Dont worry, I wont tell anyone. I would never want to upset you Mr. Nelson. She winks and walks to the door. PETER looks dumbfounded. FADE OUT. INT. PETERS CLASSROOM PETER stares at the camera. PETER You thought that was the end huh? No you dumb as fucking faggot bpiece of shit. Theres more. You see when I ws in college last year I had an assignment, to create a final project for some dumb gay Earth scines class. I decided to make a news broadcast, but funny guy I am, its a sketch. Here it is. FADE OUT. INT. STUDIO WE SEE PETER drssed as an ACHNOR (23) ertile defunct. FADE IN. ANCHOR Welcome back to WGAS 6 oclock news. Its day uhh.... (look at phone) 7 of the apocalypse, and lucky me I still get to come into work and give all you viewers, all 12 of you still alive, the up to


ANCHOR date on all your rapture news. lets a have a look outside. footage of earthquake disaters.


ANCHOR Oop, looks like those earthquakes are still plauging amereica, and europe, and asia, but not this studio for some reason. So uh... normally Earthquakes are casused by technontic plates doing thins (hand mostions) or this (hand motion) hey time out (giggle). Also remeber facts (make face). Oh Thats an acrynym of what can kill you in a earthquake. Fire - If the gas lines break, but thats happened world wide. Avlange and Landslide - But then again I think all the mountinas in the word have crumbled by now. Collpse - thats a biggy, buildings falling. NOw uh... if your caught in an earthqakue and youre house wasnt already destroyed, dont hide in doorways, hide in your bathtub. Just rememebr not to turn in your fuactes since most of them seep blood now. Um... dont stand in an open feild noewadays thorugh unless you want to be raped by a demon. Tsunami Hey thats one good thing about the oceans drying up. And... (peer at moniter) Subsidence - I dont know what the fuck that is. Oop! Oh wait, I dont think anyone cares what I say anymore. Fuck! (giggle) We have some more footage from outside. View of horrible volcano. ANCHOR Oh fuck (quick smirk). Okay, so every volcano is the world is still going off. All except for yellowstone for some reason. So anyway. Oh sweet more acroonymes! EAGLET. Uh Explosions! Uh thats like rocks and shit falling from the sky,

20. ANCHOR though nowadays end of times cults might be more likly explode in your face. Gas Oh wait wait I feel a pyroclastic flow coming (fart) heheheheheheh show footage. ANCHOR Thats get ya. Uh Lava. Earth quake. Okay so, if your volcano causes an earthquake I need to remember facts. Oh also the T in eglat stands for tusnimais. But the t is facts also stands for tusnanis. So you could just take out the t in egealt and make it egal, and have it implied that tusinais might occur becuase the t in facts. (drinks beer) put notes at bottom. ANCHOR Hmmm... maybe we can have another look outside. tint a hurricane red ANCHOR Oh, blood hurrincane. Thats gross. Normally hurricanes are cuased by thunderstones that start off the coast of africa, gainging power from 80 degree water above the equaitor. It starts as a tropical disturbance, then depression, then storm, then hurricane. Uh with blood hurricanes storms... uh the blood spelt by demons off the coast of everywhere gets warped up in a cyclone of pure evil and travels all around the world. Is Chris Cristie still alive? Cause dont tell him about it, hell take credit for helping anyone survive the hurricane and milk it for two years. Porblay try to take over some backwards canbalistic civilcation, or whatever society rises up after New Jeresy falls.

21. ANCHOR Oh... oh shit! I just got word theres a giant metoer heading to Earth. put notes at bottom. Then show fooateg from armgeadon.

ANCHOR No no, thats just a clip from Armageddon. Wouldnt that be funny though, if the apacolyse is going on and some metor just crashes into Earth by happenstance? (think about it). Yeah I wish right. I really need to get out of this studio, but we barred from the inside. And I csnt take it anymore. All we have left in one sandwhich... DIES OF PEANUT ALERGY. INT. PETERS CLASSROOM PETER still looks at camera. PETER Not very good huh? Well it was quite rushed if I may say so. So suck my dick I do not care. VANNESSA enters. PETER Oh hey Vennessa. VANESSA Hi, Peter. Youre not bad looking, but youre not so hot I would just leave my boyfriend for you. You get that. Do you hink I should be fun and poppy, or serious and stern. PETER ither is a dumb sterytpe that has been seen a million times. The writer cant deicde what you are and hats very bad, and needs to be expanded upon if this pilot ever comes to flurishion.

22. VANESSA I agree, but I dont want to be like the girl form 500 days of summer thats well pased being creative. PETER Yes, but if the writer wants you to be that way, I dont see why he cant do it. Fuck people telling him what to do, thatll just ruin it more. KIMBERLY enters. KIMBERLY I do find you attractive, but I think I need more of a reason why. Like for some reason Im attracted to teachers. PETER Yes, you are very hot. That is the point of your character. Do be as hot as humaly possilbe, and eben though you are currently a fiction character I hope to one day shoot this with an acutal hot attrss. Its very important though thtat the actress be 16, to make the legitmat concern of finding a 16 year attractive a real thing. VANESSA I agree, that would be a good idea. Its not like there are no attractive 16 year old. Sur, most of them need to develope more, but its certainly possible for a 16 year odl to look like she 18 or 19, and theres nothing wrong with finding a desire to have sex with them. The only ethical grey comes when it comes to actully having sx with them. PETER However there are many palces that say its okay. So who can br right. In the case f my audience Ill go to my defeat reaction of no sex until 18. But the writer realies its more fun to push boundries then just be

23. KIMBERLY Should my charcter be smart, dumb, "regular". I shy away from regular beuase it makes the writer sound like a pretencious a-hole whos all like "Hey look at me, my female characts arent sterypes, theyre just real people HURR DURRR". Fuck that noise man. TV characters are never normal, its impossible, even in "reality" TV. Its more interesting to have a cheerleader who happens to be smart, or to say fuck all to the world ad make her dumb as a brick just like soicety wants to view woman. Ot gives the view of "society has it wrong, but sometimes, what can you say, theyve got to be right sometimes. Sucks right?". GREG enters. GREG Im I too much a product of the internet? Will people get my character, the steryytical neck beard who thinks the world owes him everything? GREG My chrater is going to be Atheist, and its confusing to have the character not give relgions to anyone else. PETER Well you cant say "Im not very relgious" wihout people assumignyoure saying "Im atheist". I need to make it clear that althoguh I typically follow relgious tendencies, I dont follow the relgion of atheism. GREG Hey atheism is not a relgion. PETER Sure its not, Champ. Every laguhs, GREG scwols. FADE OUT.