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THE ONION LATE

EDITION

HOLY SHIT
Monday, July 21, 1969 FINEST AMERICAN NEWS SOURCE ★★★ 10c

MAN WALKS ON
FUCKING MOON NEIL ARMSTRONG’S HISTORIC FIRST
WORDS ON MOON:

‘HOLY LIVING FUCK’


THE MOON - Jesus fucking down in the moon’s low-gravity
Christ. atmosphere, Aldrin joined his
The distant, lonely, mysterious colleague on the lunar surface.
satellite that has fascinated man- “Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah,” an ec-
kind since the dawn of time is static Aldrin said, pumping his
distant and lonely no more. space-gloved fist into the thin air.
At 4:17 p.m. EST yesterday, astro- “It’s like I told you on the way up
nauts Neil Armstrong and Ed- here,” replied Armstrong to his
win E. Aldrin Jr. touched down shipmate. “Remember? I told
on the Sea of Tranquility in the you this was going to be fucking
lunar module Eagle and radioed amazing.”
back to Earth the historic report: Armstrong and Aldrin then spent
“Jesus fucking Christ, Houston. two hours engaged in activities
We’re on the fucking moon.” related to the knock-you-on-
Armstrong and Aldrin then made your-ass-resplendence of their
final technical and psychological situation before returning to the
preparations for the un-fucking- capsule. Their intense 18-month
Above: Neil Armstrong on the surface of the fucking moon. believableness of the next phase NASA training period - the pri-
of the operation, the moon walk. mary function of which was to
What follows is a partial tran-
As two billion spellbound earth- train the pair to deal with the un-
script of the radio communica-
lings watched on television, Arm- precedented in-fucking-credible
tion between the astronaut on
strong slowly descended the four nature of their mission - proved
the moon’s Tranquility Base and
steps leading out of the module, effective, though at one point
NASA personnel at mission con-
paused, and took one small but Armstrong had to sit down and
trol on Earth:
epoch-making step onto the soft, take several deep breaths, “just
TRANQUILITY BASE: This is
virgin soil. do I don’t fucking lose my shit.”
Tranquility Base. The Eagle has
“Holy living fuck... Are you fuck- The two were able to keep from
landed. Jesus H. Christ, Houston.
ing believing this? Over.” Arm- urinating in their space suits
We’re on the fucking moon. Over.
strong radioed back to NASA long enough to collect soil and
HOUSTON: Roger, Tranquility,
headquarters nearly 250,000 rock samples which earthbound
we copy you. We cannot believe
miles away. “I abso-fucking-lute- scientists at press time still could
you are on the fucking moon.
ly am standing on the surface not even begin to fucking con-
Repeat. Cannot fucking believe
it. Over.
The Earth as seen from - Holy Jesus - the surface of the moon. of the fucking moon. I am talk- ceive.
The entire planet Earth, for the more step, and I’m (Long pause.) ing to you from the goddamned The astronauts also planted an
TRANQUILITY: It was a smooth
love of Christ. HOUSTON: Tranquility? fucking moon. Jesus H. Christ in American flag in the ground
touchdown. The moon, for
HOUSTON: You’re clear, Tran- TRANQUILITY: Holy (Pause.) liv- a chicken basket.” alongside a plaque reading, in
Christ’s sake, the moon. Over.
quility. Proceed. Over. ing (Pause.) fuck. (Long pause.) “Holy mother of fuck,” the first part: “This plaque, placed here
HOUSTON: Roger that. You’re
TRANQUILITY: Can see the Lu- Fuck! man on the moon added. by two visiting human beings
clear for T1, walking on the
nar Module footpads depressed HOUSTON: Tranquility, do you “Roger, no fucking doubt about from the planet around which
moon.
into the surface of the god- copy? it,” Mission Controller Peter this celestial body orbits, will
TRANQUILITY: We copy. Walk-
damned moon. (Long pause.) TRANQUILITY: Are you fucking Lovell replied. “A-fucking-firma- rest undisturbed on this spot for
ing on moon. Jesus. Over.
Holy shit. believing this? Over. tive. Over.” the next 100 million years. High
HOUSTON: You’re cleared to
HOUSTON: We read you. Over. HOUSTON: We read you. Over. Eight minutes later, as Arm- holy living fuck. Can you believe
hook up Lunar Equipment Con-
TRANQUILITY: Footpads de- TRANQUILITY: I abso-fucking- strong gleefully bounced up and that shit?”
veyor. To walk (Pause.) fucking
walk on the moon. Over.
TRANQUILITY: LEC attached.
pressed one or two inches. Sur-
face is powdery. One more step
lutely am standing on the surface
of the fucking moon. I am talk- WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE
Platform lined up. Checking in- and I’m... Fuck. (Long pause.) I’m
hyperventilating. Hold on.
ing to you from the goddamned
fucking moon. Jesus H. Christ in
MOON, BUT WE CAN’T BOMB
gress. Over.
HOUSTON: Everything okay, HOUSTON: Steady. Over. (Long
pause.)
a chicken basket.
HOUSTON: Holy shit.
A TINY ASIAN NATION INTO
THE STONE AGE?
Tranquility?
TRANQUILITY: Am descending TRANQUILITY: I’m on the bot- TRANQUILITY: Holy mother of
the ladder. Can see the Earth. tom rung of the ladder. Just one fuck. The fucking moon. Over. Editorial p.13A