letters to ann edonia

j sigler
r e c r u d e s c e
"Hello."
youve been gone a long time, i was beginning
to think we wouldnt speak again.
foolishly optimistic, maybe
but so good to hear your voice.
i ran away.
felt trapped. Had to get out.
ate well, was loved, got soft Terrible.
how am I supposed to feel alive
without my own heartbeat in my ears
the thrill of that terrible fear
disinterested, disintegrating, Dust.
my chest hurts. hands have been cold
You fit like a glove, lover.
We could build lives off of album covers and old movies.
Steal a car, collapse a bridge, block out the sun,
lay together in the smoking ruins of this place.
maybe with all the screaming i
can finally get some sleep.
I write eulogies for a living.
Thats a lie.
I write my eulogy instead of living.
the only aspiration ive ever had is to
leave a generally attractive corpse
in an expensive box
at a well-attended funeral
while the girls say terrible things
all the while
knowing they will miss me forever in a
physically.
debilitating.
depression.
The only true love
Is the love thats there when youre not.
i am either remembering or forgetting
not been in a moment since june and
the rent is getting a little high here.
i see my mother, were walking in the trees, im a child
tells me shes dying. shes still alive.
maybe someone else died
We met that day, you and I.
poe didnt make it up here and
he had better drugs.
i see a girl in the crosswalk
we make eyes
long day looks, lipstick cigarette
i think maybe her name is eleanor
maybe well fall in love.
heres the bar. Again. heres the doctor. Again.
i ask them to find something horrible
could use some bad news
the kind of bad that doesnt get better.
tests have come back. Diagnosis: Chronic knowing.
Symptoms include: Awareness, disillusionment, perspective, truth
Other symptoms include: Depersonalization, loss of contemplation, self-destruction, existential
fallout and generalized shedding of convention,
personal identifiers, positive reinforcements.
prognosis is grim. They cant operate.
I say, Another city, maybe? Another girl?
New clothes, new car
Ill be somebody else for a while. Worked before.
head shakes. Downward glances.
Clock, clipboard. Clock, clipboard.
it has spread to the heart.
ive been told to make peace with God, call loved ones.
glad you picked up.
not a lot of time left.
Lets burn this entire city to the ground.
s p u n
im in a cab
Spun, split, done
and over with
spit teeth, grin and
bare a soul born
in grit and dirty
thought and intention
up my nose and
i am spent
we grand animals,
so intent on
our own doom and
torrid content
consume, consumed
until the day you
are presumed dead.
up for days wont but
explain it pays
the pain, but not well enough
to pay the
doctor or
the dealer
different names but
just the same
though life is long and
i LONG for it
in a frenzied rage of
sex, blood, ambivalence
within this selfish self
destruction,
remember me
but skip this page
heart beats through
my chest it
drinks and uses til I
cant keep my eyes
open now Im dead
oh wait no I
just was sleeping
but I dont sleep so
must be dead
check my pulse
my pupils
guess i win you grim
fuck, you and your
seething condescension
can fuck off,
i am still breathing
could use a light,
dear desdinova
smoke my soul out
waste away
please do not lament my late arrival
we both know im on my way.
she likes it fast and
i have fasted
to this skin, this bone
disaster, see
the last days of
mickey and his nancy, or
was it sid and mallory
doesnt matter, roll the
credits cause this
film has finished me
dont despair it had
to happen, cant
rewrite a destiny
forget the script and
roll the credits
watch me burn
in effigy
d y s t o p i
the wine has no taste
it's like trying to drink a photograph.
the wonders of this world have been lost on me.
idle conversation, an oversold suitcase
a crossword on a moving sidewalk
water on my face in an airport bathroom.
i don't look at the pillars
or the pictures or the parlors
just people.
simple
fucking
people.
monuments and objects of beauty, progress
like peas on my plate
i push them around, disinterested.
please excuse me
lost my appetite.
i am unmoved in this arena
i don't feel you. them, either.
it will be the same drink
it will be the same girl, her name is
unimportant. she lives in the city
she has a
and she loves but
she doesn't and
she once
i don't care.
your story is not new to me, sunshine
take your shirt off
i have a headache.
leave marks so dark she'll feel me for weeks.
i keep going
i don't know
no, i do know why.
searching, always searching
that mirror, and the moment
a razorblade mirror monday in LA
the sun setting over tall trees in maine
a serene break, a revelation, a piece of mind
so that I may retrieve the boy,
and with him the butterfly.
but all i find is
liabilities, sick hearts, sad minds
streams of selfish consciousness
ones that run to oceans of desperate insincerity
and I drown in it.
i rub my eyes and
graveyards.
as far as any eyes could see
stretching miles and miles
ashes and dust
blown about between headstones
and good intentions, keepsakes
dead flowers, crosses.
this is where i am.
everywhere has been this place.
but it's not here.
he's not here
so i am left to sit alone with his ghost.
r e t r o g r a d e
Sugar high, painkiller
Soul stealer, smile giver
Can't stop can't deliver
Heart stops hands shiver
Mirror mirror on the wall
Snow white, third stall
Rails cut, Pall Malls
Days lost, missed calls
No sleep, never breaks
Give give take take
Mind numb, thoughts race
Low rent, high stakes
No tears no remorse
Can't figure, can't force
Never better, ever worse
Take cover take course
I grew up on gasoline
Percocets and nicotine
Tequila Rose and Jackie D
Xanax, K, amphetamine
Too much, not enough
On the glass, roll the cuff
Diamond Lucy in the rough
Skies open, eyes shut
Nothing is, never will be
Lost boy, last city
Use culture, claws in me
Isn't proud, isn't pretty
Bright lights, pitch black
Fast forward flash back
Party stops, crowds retract
This wasn't in the contract
Sober isn't worth the time
Photo finish flatline
Call my mother, heres a dime
Tell her everything is fine
Is it everything you ever wanted
Is it everything it was supposed to be
s e r i a l
i open my eyes.
satisfied?
No.
wipe myself off on her bed sheet
a peck on the forehead
a hand placed gently on her lower back
soft skin, warm touch
run.
i cant stay
i know, im sorry
lie.
next weekend, maybe
get some sleep
i stand, feeling around in the dark for a shirt
socks, pants, phone, wallet, keys
the glow of an alarm clock over subtle curves
tick tock.
wild hair, sweat, discarded lingerie
hastily opened packages, contents used and discarded
her back is to me.
Go.
stumble to her bathroom
light switch, mirror
this is the hardest part.
weak.
face is flushed, eyes red, lips damp
what a wicked fucking creature
smile.
you are what you are.
she was delicious.
clean up, soap on hands
cool water on hot skin
put it all back on, like armor
oh, please.
like a costume.
step out, living room is a mess.
empty bottles, white lines on a compact mirror
tempting.
walk past a book case
refrigerator covered in photos
calendar scribbled with names and times
yawn.
i know nothing about this girl's life.
good.
could not care less about her.
shoes on, coat on, rub eyes
she is awake.
im going to go , i wish i could
phone.
of course I
Phone.
ive got to go
PHONE.
yes ill see you next week
hastily leave her. out the door
i can breathe.
hi. yes
just leaving the bar, why
right.
i dont know, im tired
lonely.
for a little while, maybe
lost.
sounds lovely
need.
ill be there soon.
hallway to elevator, a pretty girl is there
i smile
hello.
s a m s s o n g
sam doesn't know shes pretty
think I'll keep it to myself.
wears too much makeup
dolled up in red dye, nicotine
like some white trash matinee idol.
sits on my desk like a piano
asks me to sit so
I play a song for her.
I shouldn't, but I do
Run around with her, that is
the worst of intentions every time
I see her, want to
tear her to pieces
tell her secrets
break her heart and leave
but I don't.
improper doesn't describe
the candor to which she is accustom
filthy mouth, she must of
left some of that red lipstick
on purpose.
tabloid queen midst
small town minds, dead ends and
burnt out dreams
sitting out like cars on cinder blocks.
all made up of magazine covers
and movies made before she was born
the wrong kind of right that
gets righter, but by that time
you can't find her.
put each other on a shelf,
tell ourselves:
"I wouldn't do this with her,"
"I wouldn't be like this with him."
like a postcard in an antique store
each a faded memory
of how the other used to be.
I push her out a window,
she says she loves me.
now that's the sort of woman
that deserves to be sung to.
e s t e l l a
Do you know how long it took to write this
Three years to turn out like this
Found out what too late is
Can't fight or flight this, wrong or right is
Not what it's about, never was and never will be
Should have never let you in me
Is this everything you wanted? Is it really?
Yeah I fell apart, was in pieces
I got back, said I'd beat it
Wasn't perfect, I admit
But the dream I had of you with my child in your arms?
It got me through it
I loved you like you needed
Needed you back, you conceded
Left me reeling and depleted
I gave you everything I had
No wonder I feel so fucking incompleted
We were meant to be together
You know it, but the things we had to weather
Made it so hard for us just to be healthy in the tether
Of love that burned so hot, it took everything not to sever
And it consumed us both, I promised you forever
And I kept my word, it's absurd
That I would forgive and forget all that did occur
But we got pulled apart
Chemically complacent, lights dimmed and lines blurred
Co-dependence kills, sets fire to broken hearts, burns
Down everything,
All the dreams that we conserved
Did it feel good to put the last pieces
Of your old life out on the lawn
When you ironed out the creases, put it on
Did it fit, or did you stop and pause
To think, "I've done all of this before,"
Once, maybe twice
How many times can you walk out
Then back in through the door of your own life
Always starting over
To outrun the guilt, nobody needs to twist your knife
Nobody needs to be a shoulder
Nobody needs to see you fight
Maybe the next one won't be me,
He won't mortgage his whole life
He won't fall for you so easily
Won't want a partner or a wife
And in four years, youll put him back up on the shelf
Go run off again to try to find yourself
But you won't find you
All you ever find is someone else
I penned this while withdrawing
I threw all the pills and powder away this morning
Wanted to feel this without the gnawing of
My subconscious telling my heart it should be thawing
It's so cold now; I can barely feel it beat
This new one left her husband
Just to spend some time with me
But she wears her hair like you do now
She knows she's just a facsimile
Put her ankles through her earrings
But the feeling isn't sweet, I repeat
The same coping mechanism, I retreat
It doesn't matter; I just wake up on the same street
Just in another city, another game of hide and seek
My eyes close
And all I see is you during that week in
Vegas, or that hotel off of Revere Beach
And little things, like kissing an eyelash off your cheek
I reach for out for you but pull back sheets
Just the empty bed beside me
Filled with the words I couldn't speak
While I shake and my body aches for
All of our old crutches
I used to use to feel complete
How could you betray this
So many times I lost count, shameless
Doesn't describe it, so selfish
Outlining it with words only contrives it
You hated yourself, you lacked confidence and guidance
So you decided it was alright to step outside us
And do what we used to do, how long did it take
To convince yourself that it was me that made all of your mistakes
Or made you make them
Like I was keeping you in that place
When all I ever tried to do was keep you out, it was such a waste
I lived and would have died for you
All you ever did was whatever coincided
With keeping the lie alive
You can't even tell yourself the truth
Of course it's you that I still love
After everything, every push and every shove
I'd be back tomorrow, forget all of the above
Boot that faggot in the pickup
Back to whatever hole you pulled him out of
I'd show everyone you listened to who wasn't you and wasn't me
I don't bow out so easily
What it meant to me was meant to be
Put on the things you saw in me
Show them what they couldn't see, be complete
You know if he isn't me he can't compete
I loved you my entire life
No other could ever be so sweet
But this is what you wanted
To live a life that's haunted by
The memory of everything we were, however daunted
Throw away everything, pretend you didn't want it
And you still don't
Until its 3AM on a Friday night and you're home
When the drugs stop working and you're awake staring at your phone
When everything you thought was right is wrong because you're alone
When you need somebody who loves you and doesn't just condone
Everything you do to make it through the pain, and you'll cry
You'd do anything just to feel me lying at your side
Just one last time so you could look deep into my eyes
Forgive ourselves for everything, all the drama all the lies
Fall asleep beside the only man who knew everything inside
And loved you just for who you were, regardless of which side
Of you it was today, or what it was really all about
Or if the screaming in your head got so loud you had to shout
Just to hear yourself think above the sound of burning out
But that phone won't ring
I guess you're going to have to learn to live without
All the things I was to you
Without the luxury of doubt.
m o n a r c h
several choices make your life
youll never know which ones they are
extend a hand and shine a light
stay up late and count the stars
you could be your mother's child
or your father's pride and joy
you could chase her for a while
or watch her take another boy
there'l always be another place
see them all if that's your game
practice nuance, subtle grace
leave the country, change your name
but no matter where you go
all the streets will look the same
run there fast or take it slow
pick up love or procure shame
someday you will stop and see
someday you won't always be a part
of the things you brought to be
all things end the way they start
all roads end beside the sea
and if you leave behind your heart
at least you'll keep the memory
all those vices take their toll
you won't know that while imposed
all that glitters turns to snow
but you won't know until you're cold
to yourself you must stay true
from your path you shouldn't stray
go out and find what looks for you
there
is
nothing
left
to say.