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Alice in Wonderland

Script adapted by Amu, Josh, Camille, Shams, Dan, and Tetelo.
We are in a garden; there is a large white rose-tree on stage right. There is a FLAMINGO standing in
a pond downstage left. He looks miserable, his head lolled. Enter two gardeners as cards; FIVE and
SEVEN. They are carrying red paint and paint-brushes. They begin painting the white roses red. This
startles FLAMINGO – waking him from his miserable stupor.

FLAMINGO: Oh stickle-bats! Here come those clumsy idiots, the Queen’s gardeners.
There’s definitely no Royal Flush!
[One of the gardeners jump suddenly]
SEVEN: Look out now, FIVE! Don’t go splashing paint over me like that!
FIVE: [Sulkingly] I couldn’t help it – you jogged my elbow!
SEVEN: Oh yeah, that’s right, FIVE – it’s always somebody else’s fault isn’t it?
[ALICE creeps into the garden on stage left]
FIVE: You’d better not talk! I heard the Queen say just yesterday that you deserved
to be beheaded.
SEVEN: That’s none of your business, FIVE!
FIVE: Oh yes, it is! And I’ll say it again! You brought the Queen tulip-roots instead
of onions – and so the Queen said you should be beheaded. So there!
[SEVEN throws down his brush, ready for a fight, when he sees ALICE and suddenly stops. FIVE
notices this and turns to see ALICE now standing in plain view.]
ALICE: [Rather surprised by this] Would you tell me please, why you are painting
those roses?
FIVE: Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a red rose-tree and
we put a white one in by mistake; and if the Queen was to find out, we should both
have our heads cut off, you know. So you see, Miss, we[re doing or best, afore she
comes, to –
SEVEN: The Queen! The Queen!
FLAMINGO: Oh bugger. Here comes the heartless Queen of Hearts (oh, the irony) and her
shuffling deck of guards. . .
[Queen enters with RABBIT alongside her, and her implied entourage]
FLAMINGO: Oh look! She’s got herself a ‘watch’-dog!
RABBIT: [Nervously tapping his watch] Everyday I’m shuffling! Shuffling for the Queen!
[The two gardeners lie flat on their faces in a ‘bow’.]
FLAMINGO: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding! What good is a procession, if everyone has to
lie down as it comes past so that they can’t see it?
[ALICE appears to register with the FLAMINGO’s thoughts as if she heard them]
QUEEN: [Noticing ALICE for the first time] Who is this?
[RABBIT moves to respond, but is cut off before he can]
Idiot! What’s your name child?
[ALICE moves to answer, but is too, cut off.]
Oh! It matters not. Who are these, lying around my rose-tree? [Looks to ALICE] Oh!
How would you know? I see what they’ve done. They’re painting my rose-tree! Off
with their heads!
ALICE: No! You can’t do that!
QUEEN: What?! Who is this?! Off with her head!
RABBIT: Oh but, your Majesty, she’s only a child!
QUEEN: Oh, in that case, come play croquet with me. Will someone please get these
mops off the floor?! I don’t care who they are.
FLAMINGO: Oh hell. It’s croquet. . .
[Everyone freezes excepting ALICE, who addresses the audience.]
ALICE: What a strange way
To play croquet.
All the furrows and ridges,
Cards and guards bent backwards like bridges.
This FLAMINGO is a mallet?
Why, look out, his head keeps falling!
The hedgehog keeps crawling!
Stop lolling your head,
Do you want to be dead?

This is a very difficult game indeed.

End.