Brown University l April 23, 2009 l Volume 10 l Issue 11

Vision Possible?


from the editors

Post- Magazine, for all of its rhapsodic debauchery, is a publication we feel truly reflects the best aspects of Brown. Yes, to some we represent nothing more than the Herald’s undeniably hip and drugaddled younger cousin who mooches off the fam to buy boxes of editing juice (the franz!) and meeting st. cookies. For others, what we try to do here is provide a self-conscious narrative reflecting the “exciting living environment” hollered out by our University’s core values. We cried when the Herald stopped running those little blurbs after op-eds, for they reflected the best of what a recent Brown Alumni Monthly article on our aesthetic called our spirit: “more loose-limbed, more playful, more interdisciplinary, harder to define, at its worst silly — at its best mind-bending, life-altering, culturechallenging.” Be it a Quigley magnum opus or another dog found on Thayer freshman ramble, the quirky lil’ disclaimer at the end of the text confronts the profoundest question of undergraduate life; we spend our days reading big things like Foucault, Kierkegaard and articles on how to save the world, but at night we cuddle up with Fish Company and lay waste to our sheets like Somali pirates without a raft to ride home on. Listen, if we were working purely for our journalistic reputations, we’d quit coordinating sex columns and naked pictures and start editing the Metro section of the BDH. For now, we’re damn happy to be part five of Brown’s four part series. Of course, there comes a time when Brown students do completely toss the pipe for the pen, the Svedka for the stethoscope, and get serious about what they’re doing here. Post-, in such times of whyare-we-here crisis, is like a tempest-tossed buoy — we’re tethered to something beyond the great deep just hanging on through the waters hoping to catch our fix and guide y’all to some good sexing, eating or cultural commentary. In the best of times, we’re bobbing along merrily — oblivious to the world so long as seagulls come nest and we can ply our incestuously transfer staff into writing more more more with cheap Chinese food and imported ale. In the worst of times, we’re trying desperately to legitimize our existence. In this issue, we are calling y’all to join us in a conversation about our cumulative existence, about what it means to be the Brown community in every sense of it. We graciously appreciate all that you, our dear readers, have done for us in flipping our insides through and giggling, chuckling or yelping with glee so many times over in the hidden recesses of the Ratty — our Betta fish hearts lunge at the mirror of your soul. Thank you, truly, for letting us indulge our editorial yearning. When it comes down to it, we’re just gunning hard to put the rod back in editor. With love and undying affection,

1 3

SPACE Ball: Redux
Thurs. 10 p.m.


the editors


63 Governor St. Mon. 8 p.m.


WORD! presents The Tapestry Treehouse Revivial
Salomon 101


Brown Dems present Michael Slaby
Fri. 5 p.m.

List 120

arthur & kelly


Fri. 7:30 p.m. l Alumnae Hall



UNICEF Concert
Fri. 8:30 p.m. l The Underground

03 music
A CALL TO JAZZ \ rosalind schonwald
VISION POSSIBLE \ chaney harrison

04 editorial essay
jason becker fiona heckscher arthur matuszewski


Associate Editors H. Sharon Choi Sonia Kim Reshma Ramachandran Layout Editors Andrea McWilliams Katerina Wright Photographers Matt Surka Leslie Maazel Illustrators Candice Chu Lilia Royanova Farah Shaer Katerina Dalavurak Columnists Julianne Fenn Ted Lamm Alex Logan Allie Wollner Sam Yambrovich

Editors-in-Chief Arthur Matuszewski Kelly McKowen Feature Editors Ellen Cushing Allison Zimmer Film Editor Samuel Grey Music Editor Eva Kurtz-Nelson From the Hill Editors Anthony Badami Audrey Fox Photo Editor Chelsea Gordon Web Editor Eric Stayton Public Relations Diana Shifrina

06 from the hill
Post- makes like a baby head out Thursday in the Brown Daily Herald. It covers art, dining, fashion, film, music, news, theatre and other types of fly culturebiz round-a-bouts Brownville. To contact the Post- editor popsies, call 401. 351. 3372, or email post. Letters are welcome like hot fresh cookies and should be sent to the e-mail address above or mailed to Post- Magazine, 195 Angell Street, Providence, RI 02906. We claim the right to edit letters for style, clarity and length like fine Italian tailors.


07 sexpertise

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED...\ allie wollner SEXTIONARY\ sam yambrovich

08 from the hill

FINAL THOUGHTS \ ted lamm & alex logan MAPLE BREW \ owen miller

a call to

rosalind SCHONWALD contributing writer


I love jazz. I love the adaptability, the rhythmic sensitivity, the intellectualism and the virtuosity behind its production and performance. I love Louie Armstrong, Dizzy Gillespie, Ella Fitzgerald and Sarah Vaughan with a fiery passion. In terms of slightly more recent jazz, Dave Brubeck has a lot of hits on my iPod. Some of the avant-garde stuff is too abstract for me, but overall I can’t live without jazz. However, my sentiments seem to be the opposite of the prevailing attitude on College Hill. To illustrate my point, I have included this Simpsons excerpt: Lisa: Mom, I want to honor Bleeding Gums’s memory but I don’t know where to start. Marge: Maybe you could get the local jazz station to do a tribute to him, huh? Homer: Jazz, pfft. They just make it up as they go along. I could do that: dee dee-dee dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee ….

Marge: That’s “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” Homer: OK, then, this: doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo …. Marge: That’s the same thing; you just replaced “dee”s with “doo”s. Homer: D’oh! Audiophiles abound on the Brown campus, but you’ll be a bit hard-pressed to round up a decent number of them that take the ‘Lisa’ attitude. Instead, we’re surrounded by Homers. What turns people away from jazz? Is it the sense of elitism or its inaccessibility to the untrained ear? Could it be related to the fact that our parents might like it? I’m surprised that these factors haven’t made jazz über-appealing to the hipster set. Nothing’s further from mainstream music than 20 minutes of free jazz in A Minor. In reality, the soul-funk style of Sharon Jones, which clearly delighted the Brown populace last Friday night, is a direct offshoot of the jazz tradition and, arguably, still a part of it. I suspect that people’s attitudes towards jazz are a reflection of failures in marketing, not of something inherently unappealing about

the music. In an unscientific poll of my friends at a table in the Ratty, jazz scores horrifically low as an art form. And everyone offers seemingly logical explanations for this atrocious calamity. “On, white people like all of the music that Black people used to like,” Samantha Toro ’12 points out. This might be true, but I’m arguing for the universal revival of an art form that is still going and going strong! Katerina Dalavurak ‘12, an artist with a historical bent, explains that jazz reminds her of “New Orleans at the turn of the century and on, and the cultural fusion that happened there. That aspect of jazz is neat. But it’s not a prominent cultural factor now,” she says. “It used to be a fusion of Creole and European music, and that was historically significant. Now it’s like ‘New York jazz club, yeah!’” Historical distance explains apathy, but certainly not distaste. I continued searching, dissatisfied with the unscientific poll’s results. One clear theme has emerged: among musicians and non-musicians, jazz lovers and haters, everyone seemed to agree that some facets of jazz were geared





hear it before you fear it

more toward musicians and are difficult for the untrained to notice. “Maybe it’s geared toward musicians, so people don’t necessarily appreciate the musical talent that’s required to produce jazz,” posits Matt Smith ‘12, a musical omnivore whose gargantuan music collection includes a respectable amount of jazz. For the musician’s perspective, I turn to Jason Reeder ’11, the Brown Jazz Band’s guitarist and a member of several student bands. “I think it can be hard to listen to if you don’t like instrumental music. So much of popular music is so dominated by vocals. Jazz is very different — especially old time jazz and bebop. There’s also improvisation and soloing…that can be boring if you don’t know what to listen for.” It seems that the widespread distaste for the music that I love is just a matter of education. People who play jazz either grew up with it or are simply very fond of music. So this a call for students to give jazz a chance. The Brown Jazz Band will be performing with famed pianist Eldar in the Salomon Center at 8pm on May 2nd. Please come — consider it your jazz education.


editorial essay


chaney harrison fiona heckscher jason becker arthur matuszewski contributing writers

Vision Possible?

A call to conversation

he thoughts and ideas you will find expressed below are shaped by our unique experiences, conversations, and research into the history and philosophy of our university. The purpose of this essay is to inspire further discussion of the values of Brown University. We hope that this will ultimately lead to a clearer understanding of both our values as a community and their role in the decisions we each make daily across the campus.
We Decide Who We Are with Every Decision We Make

Brown is poised to cut $90 million from projected spending over the next five years. The process required to accomplish this will necessitate many decisions and it is important that we as a community understand the criteria that guide the tough choices that have been made thus far and will continue to be made in the coming months. Every decision we make either takes us one step closer to, or one step farther away from, our goals as individuals, as a university, and as a community. Our university is not its mission statement, nor is it its buildings, its faculty, or its students. What Brown is is the accumulation of nearly 250 years of thousands of daily decisions made by administrators, faculty, students — each and every one of us contributing to the community voice, helping, collectively, to define what Brown is as an institution. Our identity is born from this process: what Brown is now determines what type of faculty, students, or administration Brown will attract, and they in turn will determine the future of our school. From this perspective it becomes clear that without a distinct metric against which to evaluate our daily decisions we could quickly lose sight of our goals. In the past six years we have replaced 100 percent of undergraduate students, 40 percent of faculty, and a multitude of key administrators. New community members have arrived on campus and begun making those thousand daily decisions that define Brown, now and for the future. Preserving distinctive Brown values with this tremendous infusion of new blood into the community necessitates a robust discussion of these values. These values should be reflected every time a department chooses between an adjunct and tenuretrack faculty to teach core courses for a concentration, every time a professor chooses between a meeting with a student and preparing a grant, every time a student chooses between engaging in a thesis or becoming involved in community work. Each of these choices are valid in different contexts, and each reflects essential values. Determining Values and Creating Priorities Proceeding with the assumption that a clear articulation of values is crucial for coherent and productive decision-making across the campus, how do we determine our core values? How do we sift through the anecdotal statements, the personal biases, and our institutional documents to reach a set of values that is both broad enough to encompass the scope of the university and yet specific enough to direct an individual student through their educational process? We began our process by looking at the mission statement of Brown and those of other universities and colleges. Over time, we found the mission statement was not a useful tool for determining the values of a university. The mission statements of universities offer only broad definitions of the ends to which all of our efforts, cumu-

latively, are directed. Although Brown’s mission statement is written in language that is unique to Brown, it articulates objectives that are not significantly different from other liberal arts colleges and universities that we might consider peers. Dartmouth’s mission statement, for example, promises to prepare students “for a lifetime of learning and of responsible leadership, through a faculty dedicated to teaching and the creation of knowledge.” It sounds eerily familiar, doesn’t it? It is difficult to imagine from these statements alone that the products, both in research and in graduates, would differ greatly. But ask any Brown student, or for that matter a Dartmouth student, about the differences between the educational experience at these institutions and you will be hard pressed to find the time to hear them all. So what is that distinguishes Brown from other campuses? As we continued looking across the nation we were able to identify a key element that was present at many institutions, but absent at Brown. That missing element was a vision statement. A vision statement is a detailed description of how exactly our institution should proceed in fulfilling our mission. One way to visualize the relationship between mission and vision is picturing the mission as destination and the vision as a unique path by which you arrive there with the core values marking the edge of the

‘principles’ that seek to be guideposts for changes laid out in the plan, definitions of what makes Brown distinct (see sidebar). These principles are sweeping and inclusive — they make it very easy to say that something is part of Brown, but they provide little assistance in determining what is not.

Preserving distinctive Brown values with this tremendous infusion of new blood into the community necessitates a robust discussion of these values.

path. To bring this back to Brown, you can imagine there might be any number of ways to prepare a student to “discharge the offices of life” upon graduation. In fact, you could transplant our mission statement to a hundred different universities and probably end up with a hundred versions of a university-college, all with students of “usefulness and reputation” and faculty discovering and preserving knowledge, but completely absent the structures we consider an essential part of our institutional identity: the Open Curriculum, UTRAs, GISPs/ISPs, and Independent Concentrations. Brown is not Dartmouth. Nor are we Harvard, Princeton, or Yale. We are Brown University. What we look like in five or ten or twenty years may be completely different, but we must make sure it is still Boldly — and uniquely — Brunonian.

Assessment of the University e wouldn’t be able to address the vision and values at Brown, especially regarding decision making, without referring to the Plan for Academic Enrichment (PAE). The PAE began in 2004 under President Ruth Simmons and describes itself as “an ambitious program of academic enrichment that builds on its strengths and establishes new benchmarks of excellence in research, education, and public leadership.” Over the last five years the PAE has guided our progress. It has helped us achieve unprecedented levels of capital funds, shaped the physical presence of our campus, and led to the development of new administrative positions and programs. Since its inception, the Plan has been guided by six


What makes Brown distinct from its peers and competitors is not its products — all produce bright, engaged, accomplished young minds and world class research — but the process through which students and faculty engage in learning and the creation of knowledge. And though the principles laid out in the PAE tell us, vaguely, what a Brown education is, but they do not illuminate how we get there — the process, of education and research that makes Brown unique. By simply applying them to a number of questions that have been debated across the campus, we quickly realize that these ends-oriented principles fall short of providing a basis upon which to make decisions. What guidance do these ‘principles’ provide for deciding whether or not to offer tenure at Watson? How do they help us resolve the issue of prerequisites and Banner, or whether ROTC should return to campus? How much funding should be given to UTRAs versus other student programs? What is the appropriate relationship between the graduate school, the medical school, and the college, both physically and financially? Nor do these principles help us respond to the questions that are inexorably shaping higher education today. How will we respond to increasing standards of accountability, from accrediting agencies, government, and society at large? How will we respond to increasing entanglement with outside institutions for funding? What is the role of Athletics and other co-curriculars in the university-college? What is Brown’s responsibility to the local and global community? What role do we play in the community of higher education? In order for statements of values to be used to structure the decision making process they must provide guidance that is exclusive as well as inclusive. When the allocation of limited resources demands that we choose between two things that both support our mission, they must be clear enough to help us make those hard choices coherently and justifiably. We have come to the understanding that a plan can help you follow a vision statement, but it cannot supplant one. A plan is, by nature, dependent on implementation. It is useful only within the environments that were factored into its creation. When the environment changes — and the environment here has definitely changed — plans become at best a guideline. We are not criticizing the PAE’s goals or priorities; in fact we deeply appreciate its clarity. We have overheard a number of administrators and corporation members remark about how fortunate we are to have


editorial essay


Brown’s Mission Statement:

“The mission of Brown University is to serve the community, the nation, and the world by discovering, communicating and preserving knowledge and understanding in a spirit of free inquiry, and educating and preparing students to discharge the offices of life with usefulness and reputation. We do this through a partnership of students and teachers in a unified community known as a university-college.”
the PAE, and we could not agree more. We believe the entire campus is aware how far it has taken us in the last five years as a community and as an institution. By drawing a distinction between a vision statement and the Plan, we hope only to foster awareness that there is more that can be done. Brown does an exceptional job of inviting stakeholders to the tables where decisions are made. The University Resources Committee, for example, which recommends a budget to the President, includes students, faculty, and staff. While our process is a powerful model for community engagement, the basis on which our diverse body of stakeholders makes decisions is no more transparent than at other universities. What is needed to make our process truly progressive is an agreed-upon set of values that are able to guide our decisions at all levels. For example, if we value our composition as a university-college, we must ensure that there is a clear, shared definition of what a university-college is to us today. We must also articulate what facets of this structure are significant enough that they should influence our decision-making process and which are merely incidental. Once we establish this understanding, we can begin to incorporate it into how we make decisions across campus, whether in the arrangement and use of physical space, the hiring and tenure process of faculty, or the admission standards for the next generation of undergraduates. We should apply this same process to other structures that we consider essential to educational process. In this way we can quickly, confidently, and consistently distill those values which are truly universal to Brown. Parting Thoughts n a recent meeting, President Simmons lauded Brown’s ability to “punch above its weight” in comparison with better-resourced peers. Cynics could argue that this due in large part to the success of the myth of Brown’s distinctive values as a recruiting tool to attract bright, motivated undergraduates and graduate students; supporters could argue that those same values, and the structures that support them, genuinely allow those students, and their faculty mentors, to achieve their full potential. Cynics and supporters, though, would both agree that in order to continue our success we need to make choices and prioritize our resources to strengthen what is best at Brown, as distinguished from the strengths shared by all our peer institutions. Brown is not the right school for everyone and our structures and opportunities are suited to self-driven students. We can do best by our students, and attract those students who are best for us, by being honest and precise about our distinctive values. Unfortunately, the six points currently articulated in our guiding document — the Plan for Academic Enrichment — do not help us do this. We must recognize that they are insufficient for our current needs. Because Brown has yet to clearly articulate its values, we have faculty, students, and administrators making independent decisions based on what they individually believe those values to be, and our resources are not being tightly concentrated on our strengths. Ira Magaziner recognized the importance of precisely defining shared values forty years ago when he quit the Stultz Committee (which was reviewing the curriculum at Brown) because they declined to start their work with a discussion of philosophies and values. More recently, the Task Force for Undergraduate Education produced a document that failed to even rearticulate the PAE’s basic principles, let alone formulate any coherent standard that would allow for a concrete evaluation of its recommendations. Though all of the Task Force’s recommendations are unobjectionable on their own, and most are very promising ideas, it is unclear which most strongly support Brown’s distinctive pedagogy. Without a clear vision statement, Brown risks suffering from me-tooism and just emulating its peers. In this economic climate, it also risks weakening core functions of Brown because it is unable to clearly prioritize those structures that make us unique and therefore deserve our limited resources. The $90 million must be cut in a coherent way designed to strengthen Brown’s core functions rather than attenuate everything it does. In order to accomplish this, we need a university-wide values statement that is not inclusive of all the universities’ activities and that explicitly prioritizes those values it does include. It is important to note that the purpose of the work is not to call anyone out as a failure, or to attack a person or group through a decision or situation that we may have used as an example. We hope this essay will inspire others in this community to feel similarly and that by bringing this discussion to the entire university community we can elevate it beyond the small group of students and faculty that have been meeting on Friday afternoons in a corner room in Hunter Lab. It is only through full community participation that we successfully articulate our values. We would like to invite all of you to take part in continuing and furthering this conversation — in dorm rooms, in classrooms, and on the green. Write, talk, twitter. Talk to your friends and professors and peers. Let’s come together and create this resource which will be so vital as we shape Brown over the coming months and years. Now, more than ever, we need a comprehensive vision. While “Bodly Brown” makes for a good t-shirt, it’s still not clear exactly what that statement means.

Principles of Brown
(as outlined in PAE, 2004)

1 2 3 4 5 6

Brown’s self-definition as a universitycollege must be a continuing feature of all plans to improve Brown. It is that context that must guide decisions about the relative size of the different student groups, the priorities of planning, and the allocation of resources. The empowerment of learners wherein they are partners and primary architects of their intellectual itineraries in a research-rich context differentiates Brown from every other leading university. This distinction must be maintained, protected, and enhanced. The adaptive, flexible, permeable way in which scholars collaborate at Brown is a defining feature of its academic culture. That feature, too, must remain and be enhanced. The unusual independence of students at Brown in the living environment and the empowerment of the students in the learning environment are mutually reinforcing, adding a dimension of personal growth and satisfaction that makes Brown one of the most popular college destinations. That culture must be supported. The opportunities for graduate and medical students to participate more fully in the broad scholarly and learning community are exceptionally promising. We must fulfill that promise, extending the collaborative model and shared experience of Brown to these important groups. Brown’s culture is based on widespread engagement among its varied constituencies. We must build on effective, satisfying, and participatory governance for all members of the Brown community, including alumni.



from the hill

Canadian Wunderkind
a conversation with Spring Awakening lead Kyle Riabko
lauren KAY contributing writer
Canadian-born blues singer/songwriter/guitar and bass player Kyle Riabko, who will be taking the stage this week in Providence in the lead role of the Tony-award winning musical, Spring Awakening, is far different from most other 21-year-olds. Riabko began performing at the age of ten, (around the time my Barbie tricycle metamorphosed into a bicycle) was signed by Columbia records at age fifteen (when I began digging into SAT prep books) and was opening for the likes of BB King, John Mayer, and Jason Mraz at sixteen (about the age when I was finally allowed to attend my first concert without my mother). From there it has been a whirlwind — Riabko has performed with such legends as James Brown, has joined Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers, has scored a lead role in the Canadian show Instant Star, has played the leading role, Melchior, in Spring Awakening during its run on Broadway, is starring in a new ABC pilot, Limelight, and has now rejoined the cast of Spring Awakening for its national tour. On Friday, I got the chance to ask Riabko, who was in his homeland of Canada finishing the Toronto run of Spring Awakening, a few questions about his experiences growing up on wasn’t digging it and he screamed at us as I took down my pants, the worst things you could possibly scream. And it was funny for about a minute and then it became very violent as they threw him out of the theater.” Riabko chalks the moment up as one of his proudest, saying that he knew that it must have stirred some serious emotions. While Riabko doesn’t have problems with pulling down his pants for hundreds of strangers each night, he has found the show challenging for a variety of other reasons, such as staying physically and emotionally fit for eight performances a week and learning the difference between performing a concert and performing a musical. He relates that he had “to learn to focus on the story of the journey of my character, and not on the journey of the audience. Musicians tend to judge their shows based on how raucous the audience got, but for Spring Awakening, the story is more important than anything else.” When asked what it was like to travel as a musician in lieu of leading a normal adolescent life, Riabko answered that “it’s all I’ve ever really known. It definitely makes you a different type of person. You have to mature really young and then when you get a little older, you’re missing out on some parts of that maturity so it leaves a lot of holes in your development but it also enhances others.” In terms of what’s next, Riabko says that he “really wants to get more into the world of acting. Music will always be a no brainer, but I just filmed this TV pilot [Limelight] that I’m really excited about and I really enjoy that world. I just go where the wind takes me. I’ve never really known what I was going to do more than two months in advance for the past six years and saying yes has just worked out.” It has just been announced that director McG, whose work includes Charlie’s Angels, will be taking Spring Awakening to the big screen. While Riabko says that no one really knows anything yet about roles, it would seem he is in a strong position — McG is currently directing Riabko in Limelight.

stage and working on the musical. When I started by asking Riabko about awkwardness during a certain eye-opening scene in Spring Awakening, he dismissed the notion. He did share a story concerning a certain performance in Los Angeles, recounting that “it was the day that Obama won the election, and everyone was kind of celebrating this whole thing and I guess there was just one guy who




Everything I Need To Know I Learned.... a sexual education
allie WOLLNER sexpert
My education is a big thing for my dad. Ever since I was little he’s been very committed to my getting a good one, and he’s enjoyed seeing the return on his investments in my devotion to The New York Times and admission to an Ivy League university. When I reflect on everything I’ve learned this year, I realize I’ve gotten quite a thorough sexual education. I’m still a far cry from knowing everything, but I definitely know more now than I did last September. For anyone who has ever read this column hoping for personal disclosure, today you’re in luck. The list you’re about to read features a mélange of lessons learned from personal experience and the experiences of equally informative third person sources. Lesson Number One: Don’t overintellectualize your sex life. Although it’s true that all of us at Brown have a taste for mental masturbation, try to keep your scholarly projects separate from your sexual pursuits. This fall when I was conducting an independent study on female orgasms, the quality of my sex life took a nosedive. In my quest to explain the unexplainable pleasure of an orgasm, I almost lost mine completely to the phallic ivory tower of The Academy. A word to the wise: never assign yourself an orgasm as weekly homework. It really takes all the fun out of it. Lesson Two: Birth control pills can affect your mood in a major way. Not all women experience this side effect, but if you’ve recently started taking the Pill or changed brands to suddenly find yourself despondent or numb, make sure you factor in a change of meds. If you feel like shit, discontinue use or speak to your doctor immediately. Lesson Three: Beyond the catalogue of typically “weird” sexual fetishes, there is some really weird shit out there, including a large MySpace community of pregnancy fetishists, a cult that worships body inflation, and a widespread taste for various methods of haircutting. The Jarhead Club, a band of non-military brothers dedicated to military precision-grade haircuts, is just one incarnation of this fetish. Lesson Four: The Shocker got that name for a reason. Make sure and ask your partner before you pull this one out. Lesson Five: MYTH: Vaginas smell/ taste like fish. FACT: Vaginas smell/taste like yeast. When you think about it, the yeast smell makes sense because yeast actually does grow inside the vagina. I include this in my list in the hope that this clarification will help reduce women’s discomfort with receiving oral sex because they’re afraid their vaginas smell or taste bad. (Thanks for this clarification to Michael Lubin, who, as an experienced bread baker, knows what yeast smells like.) Lesson Six: Sex gets better with trust. Trust takes time and repetition. Have sex safely, often, and with someone you enjoy and respect. Take the time to communicate. Do all these things, and you’re likely to have a pretty great sex life. Lesson Seven: Sexual activities with boundaries are great. Try getting frisky someplace you can’t speak or can’t kiss or can’t take off your clothes or can’t move a lot. See what happens. You may get some sexy results. Lesson Eight: There is a marked difference between public displays of affection and public displays of foreplay. Keep this in mind. Lesson Nine: When it comes to potential sexual partners, keep an open mind. You may find out that you can make fireworks with someone you never expected to have chemistry with. Think you like alpha males? Why not try a beta male instead and see what happens? Lesson Ten: Writing this column has made me realize sexual connection is a phenomenon more complex and varied than I’d ever imagined it could be. Keep thinking, talking, exploring, and f*cking. You never know who or what you’ll discover. When I go home in a few weeks, my father will ask me the same question he always asks at the end of each academic year: “So, Alessandra, what were the most valuable things you learned this year?” And I know exactly what I’m going to tell him.

sam YAMBROVICH sexpert
The following is a catalog of twenty terms that comprise the latest, most diverse developments in sexual slang. Some are in current use at Brown while others are still signs of times to come. Whether you choose to use them or not, it is worthwhile to learn their meanings and how they came into usage. Try reading this column to your friends and see how many of these they already know. Some of the terms are quite straightforward, while others offer almost no clue of their reference to sex. Axe wound: a woman’s vagina. Barebacking: to engage in unprotected sex, typically anal sex between men. Beef curtains: the labia, or the inner and outer folds of the vulva. Birmingham Booty Call: a sexual act where a man puts his cell phone on “vibrate” and then inserts it into his partner’s anus. After they begin having sex, he calls his phone, has his partner excrete and answer it, and then talks dirty to him or her. Finally, he cums on his partner’s face. Bukkake: a Japanese term for the sexual practice of more than one man ejaculating on a person’s face. As far as the term relates to porn, bukkake can refer to any form of mass ejaculation on any part of the body, not just the face. Crime scene investigation (CSI): having sex with a woman on her period. Fag stag: a straight man almost exclusively in the company of gay men. Feederism or stuffing: a fetish in which two or more people overfeed themselves and their partners to achieve sexual satisfaction. Felching: to lick, suck or otherwise extract recently ejaculated semen from an anus. Fluffer: a man or woman hired in the porn industry to arouse actors between takes. Handballing: commonly known as fisting, the term handballing in particular refers to fisting of the anus. Except in rare instances, this is only possible by

a practical list of provocative language
inserting the fingers one at a time and then balling them together into a fist. Hasbian: a lesbian who has given up her homosexual lifestyle to live as a straight woman. Intercrural sex: non-penetrative sex between two men where one partner thrusts his penis between the thighs of the other to achieve orgasm. This is the technique of choice for men desiring to be intimate with one another but choosing not to engage in anal sex. Lap taffy: a penis. Panda: an Asian bear. Perineum: the area between the scrotum or vulva and anus, commonly known as the gooch or grundle. Pronounced with the stress on the third syllable. Pickle park: a public area where men are known to cruise for other men, notably parks and truck stops. However, in the trucking profession any highway rest stop is known as a pickle park. Snowballing or cum swapping: after ejaculating into someone’s mouth, that In closing, a quote taken from About. com’s Dictionary of Gay Slang: “Do all gay men anal fist? The number of gay men that enjoy gay fisting is small compared to those that enjoy other sexual activity.” The above definitions were compiled from the following sources on sexual slang: The Double-Tongued Dictionary,, Slang Search, Wikipedia and your best friends. person then passes it on to another and on down the line. The term is derived from the accumulating semen and saliva transferred from one person to the next. Trick: can refer to either a one-night stand or an anonymous sexual partner. Versatile top or bottom: a man who practices shared dominance in sexual relationships, taking pleasure as either the top or bottom, though usually preferring one role over the other.


from the hill

Final Thoughts
ted LAMM and alex LOGAN food columnists
As the specter of finals looms (and as some professors manage to fit a “midterm” into reading period — are you f*cking kidding?) we have neither the time nor the patience for eating, let alone poorly-named student cultural inserts. Yet we write now to advise you on how to best fit your diet to what we hope is a disastrously hectic, panic attack-inducing finals schedule. There are two functions that food can serve during this time of year: staying sharp and drowning your feelings. And a good finals diet can accomplish both. Breakfast (pre-exam): Since you probably stayed up late the night before, your stomach and biological clock are going to feel like the editorial staff of the Brown Spectator on November 5th, 2008, but unlike them, you can’t drink puppy blood for breakfast. In this sort of situation, we recommend going light to avoid Santorum-esque disaster (Wikipedia it). Coffee is a must, and something along the lines of a banana or a bagel is a good idea to provide energy and settle your stomach. Bring water with you to the test — bathroom breaks can offer a welcome respite from a three-hour exam. No matter what you do, don’t wake up early to get a full Ratty breakfast — the risk of mid-exam GI revolt is far too great. Post-exam binge (morning exam): First, make sure you don’t sit with anyone who just took the same exam, since talking about an exam you just took is maybe one of the greatest wastes of time in the history of mankind (after SciLi Facebook stalking and deconstructionist literary theory). If you’re looking for a great way to eat your feelings that isn’t the classic white wine-chocolate ice cream-Bridget Jones’ Diary night, consider this meta-Manwich we recently observed: bun, burger, chicken patty, burger, bun (insert Derridian “base and superstructure” joke here). Remember, when constructing your cholesterol obelisk, condiments are often best used as dipping sauces, and creativity is king: don’t shy away from sticking a piece of pizza or some French fries in there (that’s what she said!). Avoid the urge to go spend money on a nice lunch, since you’ll be either studying again in a couple hours — in which case the meal will be moot — or you won’t be studying and the money will be better spent on alcohol (see below). Post-exam binge (after-noon exam): After weeks, months, nay years of empirical research, we’ve found that the best bang for your buck is a fifth of Jim Beam rye. Weighing in at a hefty $12.99

you lemons, “When life gives and bail.” I say f*ck the lemons

Maple Brew
post- on tap
owen MILLER brewmaster
Chances are there’s a freshly-bottled liquid in the nearest decent supermarket that rivals the quaffability of a good beer. Whether you need a morning mug, a post-exercise douse, a pre-dinner aperitif, or an evening nightcap, nature’s own maple syrup is, as everyone surely knows, a formidable candidate. There’s nothing like the boiled lifeblood of a strapping sugar maple tree. But since there’s also nothing like a good beer, what would happen if we combined the two? Liquid pancakes? Well, it’s been done — what hasn’t? And, realizing that the season for making real maple syrup is winding down (Aunt Jemima’s open for business all year, but Mother Nature rations her liquid gold), I threw a few Washingtons at Spiritus, got thrown back a beer, drank a swig, and poured the rest on the roots of a slain maple. I then wondered what a beer brewed with Aunt Jemima’s would taste like. The stew of choice happened to be Harpoon’s limited-edition Catamount Maple Wheat, brewed with a dollop of Vermont maple syrup. Harpoon’s Windsor, VT brewery produced only one batch of 100 barrels, or 3100 gallons, of this stuff. (To put this in perspective, Anheuser-Busch sells about 8,500,000 gallons of beer a day. That’s not counting all those cans that sit on the shelves after people gag on — I mean, see their new commercials.) Wheat beers are surprisingly versatile in flavor and color, but most are light, crisp, and refreshing. An American wheat beer touched with maple syrup seemed a perfect guzzle for a mild, mid-spring evening. Catamount is 6.8% alcohol by volume and comes in a 22 oz. “bomber.” Needless to say, I had my work cut out for me. The pour produced a pretty white head that sunk to a rolling dome after a few minutes. This capped a liquid that looked the part of a maple beer: Grade A light amber. My nostrils tell me that this will be a chipper one; lemon candy, freshly mown grass, and a definite mango character chirp their presence. Maple is a no-show. A sip tips me off that it’s hiding behind just about everything else. It’s a nice brew: smooth, tangy, quenchingly sweet, almondy, but the maple only peeks out at the end, and it tastes more like sap than syrup. And the alcohol must’ve hidden in the f*cking attic or something, because I cannot taste it. A decent beer, but they should’ve used New Hampshire syrup.

— Kunu in Forgetting Sarah Marshall

and wrapped in that special off-yellow label, it’ll get you angry drunk faster than you can say “White Power!” Lachrymose midnight payphone calls asking for bail money make a wonderful Mother’s Day present. All-night cram session (library): Eat. A lot. Despite half of an Sc. B. in biology between us, we don’t quite understand the physiological reason why constant food intake keeps you focused in the wee hours, but it’s true. A bag of peanuts, carrots or granola, or a piece of fruit every 45 minutes, coupled with constant hydration, is the best way we’ve found to stay alert when starting a paper at 5 a.m. Coffee and tea are your friends; don’t drink energy drinks. Don’t forget to stock up before various outlets close at one or two in the morning. All-night cram session (dorm room): Do it only in the company of people you trust to keep you in line. Never in the history of studying has being alone in the same room as a bed worked. Go to a library and bring thumping techno with you. Finally, whenever that last exam comes around, remember to stock your bag with ample shitty beers for you and your friends to enjoy on the steps of Faunce.



What do you mean you don’t want to drink? That’s so unlike you!
- in a dorm

“We gotta keep drinking! Alcohol was made for us!”
- on thayer

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Did you see the big hole in the wall in East Andrews? Some guy like headbutted it. Thus proving the superiority of our sex.

I’m going to get a nice straw hat maybe… or you know, one of those hats you put beer cans in?

-at the vdub

I’m drinking Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday…Actually not Monday, that’s 4/20…then I’m taking a week off and then it’s my birthday and I’m going hardcore again.

- at the V-Dub