You are on page 1of 4

How do you learn to trust again after a break-up?

Infrant nu esti atunci cand sangeri,
Nici ochii cand in lacrimi ti-s.
Adevaratele infrangeri
Giving yourself time to heal and maintaining a loving spirit are just a couple of suggestions that
relationship expert Dr. Darlene Powell has to offer to those weary about love
"Too often people become bitter and disillusioned when a relationship doesn't wor out!" says Dr.
Powell! co"author of #riends! $overs and %oul &ates' ( Guide to )etter *elationships )etween )lac
&en and +omen and the most recently published Team %pirited Parenting' ,ight ,ssential Principles
for Parenting %uccess.
%he states! "-f someone feels betrayed! mistreated or abused! he or she might harbor some
feelings of resentment and anger. To be able to release that person and not allow that negative
experience to mae you bitter is very critical."
The .onnecticut"based psychologist stresses that you should tae your time when you do
decide to tae the plunge and date again.
")efore you loo for a future partner! you need to mae sure that you're a /whole person' first and
mae certain that you don't repeat the same type of patterns because you don't want to attract the same
type of person!" she
Dr. Powell recommends that people ration out their trusting feelings to another person and then
increase them rather than just jumping into another relationship and completely trusting immediately.
"$earning to trust again is a developing process and it taes time building it!" she says.
+ilmington! D,! psychologist Dr. (lvin Turner believes that many people have a hard time trusting
again because of the "boundary violations" that have taen place in a previous relationship.
"( breach of trust! also called a /boundary violation!' is when someone becomes unreliable or
engages in a sort of chronic disrespect of the other person!" states Dr. Turner. "They violate the
boundaries of the relationship. They violate the spoen and unspoen rule of the relationship and that
creates a significant problem."
Dr. Turner asserts that with communication! courage and forgiveness you can avoid bringing
any negative energy into your next romantic endeavor.
",xpressing our deepest intuitions! thoughts! fears and concerns are the foundation for intimacy or
relationship closeness. 0These same feelings1 reflect the essence of ourselves when we are most
vulnerable!" notes Dr. Turner.
2e adds! ".onse3uently! we are often cautious after a disappointment or brea"up. This
cautiousness can prevent the very intimacy we are seeing. -ntimacy re3uires courageousness in the
presence of fearfulness. This emotional spontaneity is 3uite exciting and is certainly a part of the
passion of healthy relations."
Dr. Turner says learning the sill of forgiveness will help ease the anger that many people feel
after being hurt.
"#orgiveness is a sill that allows us to repair damage!" he explains. "-t's more important for the
person who's been hurt to forgive. They don't have to forget! but it is important that they practice the
sill of forgiveness in order to move on with their lives.
"you need to learn to engage in the process of self"repair! and learning to forgive the person who hurt
you is one of the ways to do that."
)erenecea 4ohnson",anes! Ph.D.! an assistant professor of %ocial +or at Georgia %tate
5niversity in (tlanta and program manager of the T*-6 program at &orehouse .ollege! feels that
many people have a hard time trusting because of negative life experiences and a lac of self"esteem.
%he also advises people to 3uestion themselves about why they don't trust.
"The stronger the self"esteem! the more capable a person is of evaluating what he or she is
willing to tolerate in a relationship!" says 4ohnson",anes. "( person's ability to trust depends heavily
on his or her own emotional health.
"#actors lie infidelity! dishonesty and abusive behavior are some of the most prevalent and
profound variables when looing at a lac of trust!" she says. "The ey is to mae no assumptions and
base your judgement on actual facts. +hat one has to thin about is! /Do - have a legitimate reason not
to trust this person -'m with now8' and /+hat evidence have - found in this current relationship that
causes me to 3uestion the level of trust8'"
4ohnson",anes! whose relationship studies include &ate %election and &arriage Trends
(mong (frican (mericans! believes that it is difficult to determine the length of time you should
allow yourself before you start another love connection.
"There is an age"old saying! /Time heals all wounds.' 9ou have to reali:e that ending a
relationship is traumatic and as in all traumas! re3uires time to heal!" reveals 4ohnson",anes. "There is
no secret formula that will produce the special number of days! months or years that you should wait
before you enter into a new relationship."
When trust is lost, take these steps to find it again
6ffice%olutions! 6ct! ;<<= by %usan #enner
There are two elements to trust. 6ne is being trusting""having the ability to trust others. The
other is being trustworthy""measuring up to others' belief in you. -f you wrong someone who has trust
issues! you verify that what the person believes is true. 9ou reinforce the person's outloo on
relationships and mae the person even more wary. )ut if you harm someone who has given you his
trust! the damage can be even worse. The person will not only have lost his faith in you! but also his
ability to trust in the future.
> #ess up. -f you're caught! you're caught. (nother lie will only dig you in deeper and mae the
situation worse.
> (pologi:e. $et the person now how truly sorry you are for what you did. (s for their forgiveness!
nowing that it may be withheld while the wound is fresh.
> ,xplain why you did it! if you can. &aybe you gave up a confidence to get a laugh or used it to put
you in a position of someone with insider information. Try to lay out your position so the other person
can see where you were coming from. -f they can understand your reasoning! they're more liely to put
it behind them.
> *emind the person that this lapse in character isn't you. 9ou've been loyal and supportive in the past.
-t was an aberration. -f this isn't the case! you're in big trouble. ( person with a reputation of
untrustworthiness may as well pac up their bags and leave to start anew. The chances of regaining
trust when you're habitually lax in good judgment are slim ... as they should be. 9ou need some real
character wor that we won't get into now.
> 6ffer to remedy the situation if you can. That might mean going bac and retracting what you said to
the people you said it to or writing a letter of apology and setting the matter straight. 9ou might not be
able to undo the breach of trust! but at least you may undo the harm it caused to the injured party. -f
you have to fall on your sword! do it.
> -f you're getting nowhere with the person you wronged! as for a mediator. %ee if someone outside
the situation can soothe matters and suggest ways to rebuild the relationship. $ie any professional
counseling! it might not always wor! but it will help you both view the situation with new eyes.
> (gree on your goals. 9ou may agree that you'll put aside this conflict and wor together to get the
job done. 9ou may decide that the relationship is more important than the event and move ahead
cautiously! taing it a day at a time.
> Decide on conse3uences. -f the other person can have some retribution! he may feel that the scales
have been balanced. 9ou could offer an apology at a group meeting or retract your statement via e"
mail. 2elp the other person save face! even if you have to redden your own.
> ?now that you'll be living under heavy scrutiny for awhile. 9ou'll have to wal the line and possibly
bear retaliatory remars or attacs! at least for awhile. 2opefully! your new meritorious behavior will
shorten this period.
> Go out of your way to show that you've reformed. 9our attempts at winning the other person's good
graces may be rejected at first! but you're liely to win him over with sincerity.
> (naly:e why you did what you did! and learn from the experience so it will never happen again.
> #orgive yourself when you've done all you can to right the situation. 6ffice%olutions. 6ct ;<<=.
-f you feel that! ultimately! the relationship is irretrievably broen! leave. 9ou've done all you can do.
%tart anew! and put the experience behind you.
+e all do things we're ashamed of. &any times! the shame comes from being unmased for what
we've done. (dmit! atone! address! and advance. +ith time and good behavior! you can regain lost
Susan Fenner, PhD, is anager of edu!ation and professional de"elopent for the
#nternational $sso!iation of $dinistrati"e Professionals %#$$P&''
,motional infidelity is the new fad on the internet and is appropriately entitled Ccyber cheating.D &any
homes have one to two computers maing it easy to carry on an emotional affair without the other
partner ever nowing. -t's convenient! cheap and funE ( person can learn a lot about an internet
stranger by communicating through a few emails! texts or chats! all without the embarrassment of
meeting in person.
The sharing of personal information with strangers online is commonplace on the internet. Personal
details are shared on chat boards! personal websites! blogs! message boards and porn sites.
,motional infidelity is an infidelity that occurs through emotions! feelings or thoughts! rather than
physical in nature. +ith the increase in technology through the internet and cell phones! the traditional
term of infidelity has become broader to include thoughts and@or feelings. ,motional infidelity can
include anything from texting someone intimately via cell phone to emailing intimate correspondence!
exchanging personal photos or viewing pornography.
(ccording to an on"going infidelity poll of over 7!<<< women conducted by
http'@@www.+oman%avers.comhttp'"polls.asp! F7 percent of
women believe that viewing porn is emotional cheating. -n a similar +oman%averGs poll! HI percent of
all women felt that online affairs constituted infidelity
The main difference between physical infidelity and emotional infidelity is physical contact. Physical
infidelity involves people meeting directly and then engaging in physical intimacy. ,motional
infidelity can occur in distant locations with absolutely no physical contact occurring. The primary
difference between traditional cheating and emotional infidelity is actual! physical contact. +ith
emotional infidelity! there may be a meeting! but it can occur on a cell phone or a computer.
%ome people who emotionally cheat donGt consider the act to be a true form of infidelity because there
is no physical contact. 6thers see no difference between physical and emotional infidelity because
emotional infidelity has the same basic behavioral actions as traditional infidelity
+hen a person cheats! they flirt and seduce another regardless of whether they are in physical contact
or not. The problem results when the partner pays emotional or physical attention to someone other
than their mate.
-n another relationship poll conducted by http'! over =< percent of all
women felt that emotional affairs could lead to physical affairs. (n emotional affair can begin 3uite
innocently and as time passes the information two people exchange becomes more intimate. (s the
trust factor increases! so does the curiosity! which many times ends up in a physical meeting.+hen a
person is not getting their emotional needs met in a relationship! they see it from someone who will
give it to them.
(ll people want to be loved! acnowledged! validated and needed. 2umans want to be desired. -f those
needs aren't getting met through their partner! they go online and find someone who meets their needs
and begin cyber cheating. There are plenty of strangers online who will fulfill those needs! especially if
deceit is involved. &any people lie to the online strangers in order to get the attention they thin they
deserve. The person may tell the stranger how mean and distant their partner is so the stranger feels
pity for them. &any married people tell online strangers they are CseparatedD or CdivorcingD when this
is far from the truth
+ith the ease of meeting new people through the internet and through various communication devices!
the number of people engaged in emotional infidelity and cyber cheating will increase. 2owever! it is
important for the parties engaging in the communications to consider the conse3uences and pain these
acts may have on their partner. ( good way to determine what is and what is not acceptable is to as
yourself if you would be oay with your partner engaging in the same type of behavior with another. -f
the answer is no! then you should definitely bac off because emotional infidelity can hurt just as
deeply as physical unfaithfulness.
The following behavioral signs are the top () signs of eotional infidelity.
7. 9ou have little or no sex. Partner is always too busy or tired.
;. 9ou have petty arguments.
I. 9ou feel lie you donGt have anything in common any more.
J. 6ne of you is no longer attracted to the other.
F. Partner spends unusually long periods of time on cell phone or computer.
H. Partner suddenly becomes hypercritical about your appearance.
=. Partner becomes secretive or defensive when 3uestioned about their behavior.
K. Partner loses interest in relationship or family activities.
B. Partner stays on computer very late at night after you have retired.
7<. Partner secures their computer in a loced area or with passwords you donGt have access to.
Written by #nfidelity *+pert, Stephany $le+ander, ,'$', $uthor, Woen-s Speaker
.redentials/ Stephany $le+ander is the founder of www'WoanSa"ers'!o, one of the ost popular
woen-s sites on the net %re!ei"ing illions of hits per onth'