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Fissure Conversation

Friend 1 (3:37:54 PM): are you in seattle?


Friend 2 (3:38:10 PM): nah, I'm at home
Friend 2 (3:38:12 PM): what's up?
Friend 1 (3:38:16 PM): do you still do projects with Matt
Friend 2 (3:38:26 PM): no, I haven't heard from him much lately
Friend 1 (3:38:34 PM): hows jb going?
Friend 2 (3:38:42 PM): have you talked to anyone at the JB lately
Friend 1 (3:38:45 PM): no
Friend 1 (3:38:47 PM): why
Friend 2 (3:38:53 PM): we're planning on doing some sales in the next couple weeks
Friend 1 (3:39:02 PM): oh really
Friend 2 (3:39:08 PM): they havne't talked about hiring anyone tho
Friend 1 (3:39:21 PM): oh so maybe you all will just hit the phones a bit
Friend 2 (3:39:29 PM): well, not me
Friend 2 (3:39:35 PM): but devin and a couple others
Friend 1 (3:39:43 PM): Kool
Friend 1 (3:41:28 PM): welp.
Friend 1 (3:41:40 PM): so things sound like they are going really well over there
Friend 2 (3:42:19 PM): ya, not too bad
Friend 1 (3:42:35 PM): do you love working for them?
Friend 2 (3:42:42 PM): it's cool
Friend 1 (3:42:47 PM): have you ever thought about applying over at Microsoft or
anything like that?
Friend 2 (3:43:03 PM): I had an interview at microsoft about a month ago
Friend 1 (3:43:15 PM): howd it go?
Friend 2 (3:43:17 PM): I'm doing fine at the jb as long as the work keeps comin
Friend 2 (3:43:26 PM): they liked me but thought I didn't have enough experience
Friend 2 (3:43:37 PM): ya they're gonna start making desktop apps in flash
Friend 1 (3:44:05 PM): rad
Friend 1 (3:46:02 PM): they still pay you for shit - or are they finally taking care of you?
Friend 2 (3:46:18 PM): nah, I'm making 25 now
Friend 2 (3:46:24 PM): so its all good
Friend 1 (3:46:28 PM): Dam
Friend 1 (3:46:31 PM): ALRIGHT
Friend 1 (3:46:40 PM): You must be lovin it
Friend 2 (3:46:48 PM): better than a kitchen
Friend 1 (3:58:56 PM): well shit why are thye paying you so much
Friend 1 (3:59:11 PM): you workin 40/hrs a week
Friend 2 (3:59:18 PM): not usually
Friend 2 (3:59:20 PM): bout 30
Friend 2 (3:59:27 PM): I'm making less than the other developers
Friend 1 (3:59:28 PM): thats still real nice
Friend 2 (4:00:08 PM): I have horrible hemorrhoids right now which prevent me from
working much more than that
Friend 1 (4:00:55 PM): serious?>
Friend 2 (4:01:22 PM): ya
Friend 2 (4:01:26 PM): it sucks
Friend 1 (4:01:29 PM): hemmorrhoids arent that bad
Friend 1 (4:01:38 PM): just makes you pooh and itch a lot
Friend 2 (4:01:47 PM): it's about the most painful thing I've ever gone through
Friend 2 (4:01:53 PM): it depends
Friend 1 (4:02:00 PM): oh
Friend 2 (4:02:02 PM): and actually I don't technically have hemorrhoids
Friend 2 (4:02:11 PM): I have a fissure, which is like an extra butt-crack
Friend 1 (4:02:12 PM): what do you have?
Friend 2 (4:02:27 PM): may have had hemorrhoids as well tho
Friend 1 (4:02:28 PM): lol
Friend 2 (4:02:51 PM): bleeding out your ass is about the suckiest thing I can think of
Friend 1 (4:03:41 PM): man that sucks.. sorry to hear that
Friend 2 (4:03:49 PM): it's ok
Friend 2 (4:03:55 PM): everything else is going great
Friend 1 (4:04:08 PM): alright..
Friend 2 (4:04:10 PM): but take my advice: don't strain too hard on the crapper
Friend 1 (4:04:22 PM): really - you burst a vein?
Friend 2 (4:04:27 PM): ya
Friend 2 (4:04:42 PM): all it takes is one bad poop
Friend 1 (4:06:03 PM): yea - i hear that... do you remember where you were when it
happened or what you had eaten?
Friend 1 (4:06:21 PM): maybe you got food poison...
Friend 2 (4:06:21 PM): ya
Friend 2 (4:06:33 PM): it was the third day back at the JB
Friend 2 (4:06:43 PM): and the first day after getting over a week long case of the flu
Friend 1 (4:06:43 PM): at work?
Friend 2 (4:06:51 PM): before work
Friend 1 (4:06:54 PM): dam..
Friend 2 (4:06:58 PM): I was in a hurry to drive down to seattle
Friend 2 (4:07:04 PM): ya, so it's been like 3 months for me now
Friend 1 (4:07:27 PM): are you almost recovered?
Friend 2 (4:07:28 PM): it was cuz I'd been sick for a week and my body flushed out all
the bacteria, so I had nothing left to fully digest my food
Friend 1 (4:07:41 PM): oh man..
Friend 2 (4:07:44 PM): I got another month or two before I'll be good again
Friend 1 (4:07:49 PM): should have eaten soup or something..
Friend 2 (4:07:51 PM): that's if all goes well
Friend 2 (4:08:07 PM): ya, yogurt is good when you're sick, or immediately after being
sick
Friend 1 (4:08:09 PM): pretty painful experience..
Friend 1 (4:08:22 PM): that one bad duke?
Friend 2 (4:08:24 PM): ya, but apparantly is pretty damn common
Friend 2 (4:08:36 PM): I had no idea, but half the people I tell about it have had it at
some point
Friend 2 (4:08:46 PM): almost everyone over about 35 has had it at some point
Friend 1 (4:08:47 PM): did you know that you had ripped your asshole when it
happened?
Friend 2 (4:09:04 PM): well, I saw a big gush of blood
Friend 2 (4:09:09 PM): so I figured something had gone wrong
Friend 2 (4:09:18 PM): it didn't really hurt tho at first
Friend 1 (4:09:22 PM): yea - thats not normal
Friend 2 (4:09:36 PM): then it hurt worse and worse over the next month or so
Friend 2 (4:10:01 PM): it got to the point where I couldn't do anything but lie down for
3-4 hours after taking a dump
Friend 1 (4:10:09 PM): hmm. cant the doc do anything about it?
Friend 2 (4:10:16 PM): ya
Friend 2 (4:10:22 PM): stuck his finger up my butt
Friend 2 (4:10:27 PM): that was one painful experience
Friend 2 (4:10:43 PM): gave me some cream, that only kinda helped
Friend 1 (4:11:36 PM): hmm. yea - i have no idea how they would be able to treat
something like that..
Friend 2 (4:12:04 PM): suppositories is about all they can give ya
Friend 2 (4:12:34 PM): I didn't do those tho; hurt so bad I figued it was counter-
productive
Friend 1 (4:12:37 PM): yea well - did they mention it would be better to eat soft foods
like - soup and yogurt.. or is it painful either way?
Friend 2 (4:12:51 PM): oh, my diet has completely changed
Friend 1 (4:13:02 PM): lost any weight?
Friend 2 (4:13:03 PM): I eat raisin bran every morning
Friend 2 (4:13:10 PM): cut out almost all white flour
Friend 2 (4:13:15 PM): eating fruit every day
Friend 2 (4:13:16 PM): no
Friend 1 (4:13:22 PM): why would that make a difference?
Friend 2 (4:13:23 PM): cuz I can't get any exercise
Friend 2 (4:13:33 PM): can't walk for more than ten minutes or so
Friend 1 (4:13:44 PM): really? then it starts to bleed?
Friend 2 (4:13:48 PM): white flour is quite bad; no fiber
Friend 2 (4:13:55 PM): it just starts to hurt
Friend 2 (4:14:02 PM): bicycling is certainly out
Friend 1 (4:14:03 PM): oh.. the more fiber the less it hurts?
Friend 2 (4:14:16 PM): fiber keeps you regular
Friend 2 (4:14:43 PM): depends on the kind of fiber tho; I need soft fibers like fruits and
vegetables, not nuts and seeds
Friend 1 (4:15:10 PM): gotcha - well i hope your next duke isnt too painful..
Friend 2 (4:15:18 PM): thanx
Friend 1 (4:15:42 PM): yea, good luck getting over your fissure - i heard those hurt
pretty bad..

A few days later....

Friend 1 (3:20:27 PM): describe your day in one word


Friend 2 (3:20:58 PM): hibberFlibble
Friend 1 (3:21:11 PM): is that a word?
Friend 2 (3:21:18 PM): sure, why not
Friend 1 (3:21:30 PM): google says its not
Friend 2 (3:21:37 PM): stupid google
Friend 2 (3:21:43 PM): they don't know me
Friend 1 (3:21:50 PM): umm google is the smartest thing i know
Friend 2 (3:22:12 PM): ya
Friend 2 (3:22:18 PM): they're still stupid tho
Friend 2 (3:22:26 PM): I use google
Friend 1 (3:22:34 PM): google is stupid?
Friend 1 (3:22:39 PM): as a company...
Friend 1 (3:22:56 PM): hows the FISSURE
Friend 2 (3:23:09 PM): hurts
Friend 1 (3:23:11 PM): is it all better...
Friend 2 (3:23:15 PM): nope
Friend 1 (3:25:52 PM): have you taken any photos of it.. you should put a video on
youtube
Friend 2 (3:26:39 PM): lol
Friend 2 (3:26:50 PM): that would get popular
Friend 2 (3:26:52 PM): but alas
Friend 2 (3:26:59 PM): it is internal
Friend 2 (3:27:11 PM): I've heard of hemorrhoids that bubble out of the butthole
Friend 2 (3:27:26 PM): like big painful flaps of skin haning out
Friend 1 (3:27:37 PM): really? no way..
Friend 2 (3:27:42 PM): doctor said he's seen way worse than me
Friend 1 (3:27:59 PM): well thats comforting..
Friend 2 (3:28:35 PM): so eat your fiber
Again, a few days later...

Friend 1 (1:12:09 PM): hows your fissure?


Friend 2 (1:12:23 PM): better
Friend 2 (1:12:25 PM): what's up?
Friend 1 (1:12:35 PM): i am glad to hear it..
Friend 1 (1:13:18 PM): hey was wondering if you have any pictures of it when it was
real bad.. I was wondering what it would look like.. cause i got this weird thing going on..
Friend 2 (1:13:48 PM): are you joking?
Friend 2 (1:13:57 PM): you want to look at a picture of my asshole?
Friend 2 (1:14:12 PM): I could make some jokes, but I'm above that
Friend 2 (1:14:13 PM): lol
Friend 1 (1:14:22 PM): haha
Friend 1 (1:14:45 PM): no but serious
Friend 2 (1:14:50 PM): fissures are internal, so no, it's hard to take pictures of them
Friend 1 (1:14:50 PM): do you?
Friend 1 (1:15:01 PM): oh
Friend 2 (1:15:02 PM): would have to have one of those butt-cameras
Friend 2 (1:15:14 PM): and I sold my butt-camera to a transvestite
Friend 2 (1:15:42 PM): hemorrhoids can sometimes be external and you can see them