UWE Drama Society

Cannibal! The Musical
2nd draft 14/10/09

Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans Produced by Montague Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

Character Miners Alferd Packer James Humphrey George Noon Israel Swan Frank Miller Shannon Bell Liane, the horse Salt Lake City Polly Pry Sheriff (Lake City)/Sheriff (Saguache) Mills/Ralph Guard/Bailiff Judge /Drummer/Piano Player Trappers Frenchy Cabazon O.D. Loutzenheizer Preston Nutter Indians Chief Indian American Indian Squaw Miscellaneous Clerk The Cyclops Cowbell Solo Humphrey's Dad Chorus

Cast Michael Skeates Thomas Clark Marianne Stone James Bonser Emma Griffiths James Price Kat Ketley Amy Evans Jason Vowles Barnaby Steward Nick East David Lewis Dan Eccleston Dan Shipman Jo Harrison Khoi Nguyen Shahan Miah Holly Pacius Aminah Jagne Micael Pochat Jake Read Juan Schwartz Lloyd Kaufman Teri Hammond Jo Toon Jake Wheeler Claire Church Anabelle Turner

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Act 1 Scene 1 Narrator: The performance you are about to see was originally released in 1954. Upstaged by the overwhelming popularity of "Oklahoma!", it's original theatre run was cancelled, and "Cannibal: The Musical" soon fell into obscurity. The original script, re-discovered just last year, has been painstakingly restored using state-of-the-art script enhancing and computer reconstruction technology. The musical's violent scenes have been edited out for your viewing pleasure. [Barren woods in the dead of winter. Swan enters, running from something or someone, which turns out to be Packer, who walks up behind Swan bites into his right shoulder] Swan: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [cannibalistic mayhem ensues] DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Noon enters] Noon: [running in] Packerrr! [Packer, strikes him down with his Swan's arm] Jeepers! [Humphrey, Miller and Bell enter] Humprey: For God's sake, turn back! Bell: [tries to stop the beating, but Packer grabs him] Zowie! [Packer breaks Humphries' neck] Miller: [charging] Damn you Packer! Shpadoinkle! Packer: Takety takety take! [grabs Miller's lower jaw and pulls out down hard, then rips out the man's tongue slowly. He raises the tongue and lowers it towards his mouth] AAAAAAHHH!!! Act 1 Scene 2 [A courthouse. Pry, the Judge, the Bailiff, the Sheriff, Mills, Chorus and Packer are inside. Mills is re-enacting for the court what Packer was said to be doing that fateful day.] Mills: ...AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! [in a whispery voice] And then he cuts up the bodies. Gentleman: Oh, gross! Mills: And when he finally arrives, tired, beat, he says... "Oh, I don't know what happened to my companions. Th-they left me behind." And everybody believes him. They feel sorry for him. And they just let him go on to Saguache. Now, what would he have you believe? That under... these... horrible conditions it was justified? No, gentlemen of the jury, it is NEVER justified! To murder. Murder is wrong. So, I ask you to come back with a verdict... to HANG this bastard for what he has done! The prosecution rests. [The courtroom erupts in applause, approving of the

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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prosecutor's case.] Packer: But that's not the way it happened... [Overture plays as a "Cannibal! the Musical! banner is shown and all exit] Act 1 Scene 3 [The sheriff's office, Lake City, Colorado, 1883. The sun is low in the sky. Mills waits by the side of the building for someone] Prosecutor: [sees Polly enter and steps out] Ms. Pry, hello. Pry: [the woman in burgundy] Oh hello, Mr. Mills. [they meet at the office door] Mills: Uh, are you busy? Pry: I was gonna try and get an interview with Mr. Packer. Mills: Now, how could you possibly want to spend your afternoon with a beast like that when you could spend it with a gentleman like myself, huh? Pry: Believe me, I don't relish the thought of having to speak with him, or even be in the same room with him, but it's what I must do. I am a reporter. Mills: [flattering] Yes, and a most beautiful one at that. Can we meet for dinner, then? Pry: ...Uh, when I'm done here, I'll be at the hotel. Mills: Ah, at the hotel. [starts to leave] Pry: If I can get him talking soon enough. Mills: I'll give you a hint: If you wanna get him talking, ask him about Liane. Pry: Liane? Mills: Trust me. [turns around and struts off] At the hotel. Act 1 Scene 4 [Sheriff's office, inside. Pry opens the door and lets herself in. Packer is on the floor, making a dolls house] Pry: Hello. Packer: The sheriff's gone. [the quick reply startles her] Pry: Good enough. I'm here to see you anyway. My name is Polly Pry. I was wondering if I could uh, ask you a few questions about your... story. Packer: [rises] My lawyer says I can't talk to reporters. Pry: Oh. Yes, of course he did. That's very smart of him. But I'm not a reporter. You see, I'm just a... well, the truth is, I saw you, in the courtroom, and I thought to myself, "how... could this... handsome, intelligent man have ever done what they say he did?" Packer: I didn't. Pry: And then I thought about... how lonely you must be. In this dark, nasty cell all cooped up... Packer: Hey, you really think so? This is the nicest place I've lived in a long time. Pry: ...no one to talk to at all. And then I realized... how badly you must need someone to just... listen. Packer: I do? Pry: Uh huh. [the closer she gets, the more seductive the voice] And then I

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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thought, maybe I should come down here and give you some company. [whispers] And maybe I would tell you some... secrets. And, you can tell me... secrets. Packer: [whispers] Okay. Pry: [whispers] So, what exactly happened during your trip to Breckenridge? Packer: [whispers] I can't talk about that. Pry: Okay. Let's talk about something else. Packer: 'K. Pry: Oh, I know. Why don't you tell me about, uh... Liane? Packer: Do you know her?! Pry: [whispers, startled] Yes. [normally] Yes. [chuckles] I know her well. I, I wanted to find out a little bit more about you two. Uh, was she, was she,... was she with you on your trip? Packer: I don't know. My lawyer's supposed to come back any minute and he gets really angryPry: Oh well, certainly your lawyer wouldn't mind you talking just a little bit about Liane. Especially to someone who's just a... simple... townsfolk. Packer: No I... guess he wouldn't. Pry: So... what was she like? Packer: She was beautiful. She had... long, dark, shiny hair, and... And almond eyes. And... pointy ears, and, and, a fluffy tail. And she was fast, like this! Act 1 Scene 5 [Bingham Mine, Utah, 1873, day. Packer is riding across a clearing on his horse, Liane, which is what he was describing to Pry.] Packer: Woohoo! Come on, girl! [he rides further along and slows down to sing] The sky is blue, and all the leaves are green. The suns's as warm as a baked potato. I think I know precisely what I mean, When I say it's a shpadoinkle day! And as I ride with my girl She's my best friend in the whole world. We move along, set our goals high With eyes full of hope as we aim for theSky is blue, and all the leaves are green. My heart's as full as a baked potato. I think I know precisely what I mean, When I say it's a shpadoinkle day! [slowing down] When I say it's a-happy-go-moinkly-lucky-shpadoinkly day! Act 2 Scene 1

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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[Packer rides Liane up to a mine shaft on which hangs a sign: Bingham Canyon. Miners (including Chorus) mill around] Swan: Hey. Mornin' Alf! Packer: Mornin' Swan! Find any gold yet? Swan: Huh, not in this gosh-darned canyon. That's why a group of us are going to Breckenridge today. Packer: Breckenridge? In Colorado Territory? Swan: That's the place. Say! You oughtta come with us! The more the merrier! Packer: Aw shucks. I've love to go back to Colorado Territory. Swan: I didn't know you were from Colorado Territory. Packer: Yeah, well, I worked in Georgetown for a while before I came here. Swan: [pleased] Huh. Packer: Say uh... who's guiding you there? Swan: Lucky Larry. He's from Denver. Packer: Do you think I could just talk with Lucky Larry? Swan: Sure! I'm going to meet a group of them now. Packer: Swell. [they head away from the mine. They reach a group of miners listening to a Mormon sermon] Bell: ...Some have said that Breckenridge is a heaven upon this earth. Thank the Lord, who had it loaned to us as long as we trust in the Lord. And let's not forget the story from the Book of Mormon, where Brigham Young planted many corn rows. [Bell continues over Swan etc] And the locusts came and they began to eat his crops. And then the Lord sent down a flock of seagulls, who began to eat the locusts fifteen at a time...... Swan: Where's Lucky Larry? Noon: Oh didn'chya hear? Lucky Larry was struck by lightning last night. Nobody found him til this morning! Packer: Gosh, is he- is he gonna be okay? ...What? Bell: Now, we can't let ourselves get discouraged. They say there's enough gold in Breckenridge to build walls out of! The Lord works in mysterious ways, and I think this is a test of our will. My fellow Mormons know what I'm talkin' about. Trials and tribulations: that's what life's all about. Now, are we gonna let this one little thing keep us keep us from fulfillin' our dreams?? Miners: Yes! Bell: Oh, come on, now, we've gotta be strong, don't we?? Miners: No! Bell: But I'm telling you, we can still make it! Miller: Our guide is dead. Bell: Well, there's gotta be someone from around here who knows that territory a bit. Anybody? Swan: [to Packer] Say, didn't you say you were from Colorado Territory? Packer: Well, I- I just worked there for a little whiSwan: Hey, this guy's from Colorado Territory! Bell: Wonderful! What's your name, sir? Packer: I'm Alferd Packer. This is my horse, Liane. [Liane farts.]

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Miners: Eeewwww. Packer: Hi. Bell: There, you see? Miller: Don't be stupid. Let's just go back to mining here. Miners: Yeah. Bell: But there's no gold here. When's the last time anyone made a strike? Noon: [short] I'll go. [grumbling is heard] If we wait until the Spring, all the gold will be gone. I need to go out now! [takes up his axe and hoists it on his shoulder] I'm in!

Bell: There, you see? Don't you all feel a little bit ashamed? This nice, young, braveMiller: Stupid! Bell: Go on and laugh. That's fine. Humphrey's Son, why don't you go? Dad: Humphrey: Huh? Humphrey's You've always said you wanted to get out of Utah. Dad: Humphrey: No I didn't! Humphrey's Yes you did. I distinctly remember you saying you wanted to get out of Dad: Utah and go East. Humphrey: No I didn't!! Humphrey's If you go to Breckenridge now, you can stake a claim for the family! It's Dad: settled, you're going. [gesturing to his son] He's in! Humphrey: Dammit! Bell: Wonderful! That makes five. [other miners exit] Miller: [sarcastically] Good luck. [picks up his axe] You'll need it. Noon: Say, when do we leave? Swan: The sooner the better, I'd say. Bell: Well, let's ask our new guide. Mr. Packer? Packer: I guess I'm ready whenever you guys are. Bell: Well then, let’s get packin’! Packer: What?? Bell: It's a long long way for us to go, But if we don't try, we'll never know. Stay optimistic, set our goals high. There's nothin' we can't do if we aim for theGroup: Sky is blue, and all the leaves are green! The air's as pure as a baked potato! We think we know exactly what we mean When we say it's a shpadoinkle day! When we say it's a shpadoinkle day! Miller: Hey! How long is it goin' to take? Packer: Oh. Not, not more than like, three weeks at the most.

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Miller: [thinks it over] All right, let's go. Act 2 Scene 2 [The Utah desert, outside Provo, day. the Miners walk through a barren, rocky place, a signpost on stage left. Packer leading Liane] Packer: [Narrating] And so Liane and I headed east, with the miners, thinking it would be a nice, happy trip. But then, four weeks later, we were just outside of Provo. Miller: Three weeks my ass, Packer! Packer: That's when I got my first bad feeling. Noon: Geez! Sure is a lot of walkin'. I swear, my legs are killin' me. How much further to Provo. Packer: We, we gotta be really close now. Bell: And then from Provo, how far is it to Breackenridge? Packer: See, I always have Liane with me when I go out, so I don't know how long it's gonna take us on foot. Humphrey: Gosh, I wish I had a horse. How much did you pay for yours, Packer? Packer: I didn't. She's been mine since I was little. Swan: Well, she certainly is a shpadoinkle horse. [Ralph enters, suddenly before the group] Packer: Oh, hello. Uh, could you tell us how much further it is to Provo? Ralph: You'll never come back again! It's got a curse on you! Humphrey: Provo? Ralph: The Rocky Mountains. I gotta warn ya! You're doomed! Doomed! Doomed! You're doomed! Doomed. Bell: If our journey really was doomed, I have faith that the Lord would have sent us a warning sign. [suddenly, the earth quakes, loud rumble and lightning flashes] ...Any sign at all. Ralph: Turn back, while you still can. You're doomed. You're all doomed. [Ralph exits stage right] Packer, Swan: Thank you. [a travelling Clerk enters, wheeling his good along with him. They greet each other as the Clerk sets up on stage right Packer ties Liane to the signpost] Bell: Howdy? Clerk: Howdy? Noon: Howdy? Clerk: Howdy? Swan: [lifting his hat] Howdy do? Clerk: Howdy? Miller: Howdy? Clerk: Howdy do? Humphrey: Howdy? Clerk: Howdy? [the Clerk finishes setting, up, the Miners check out his wares and

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Packer joins them, leaving Liane] Packer: Howdy do? Clerk: Howdy? Packer: Hey, they've got maps of Colorado Territory. Miller: Jesus, now he need a fucking map! Bell: Miller, if you don't wanna go, then don't go. But if you can't get along with the others, I'm gonna have to put you in time-out. Miller: In what? Bell: Anyone who can't get along with the others has to sit twenty feet away by themselves, for an hour. Swan: That's a good idea. Gives you a chance to cool down when things get steamed up. Bell: Exactly. Miller: You've gotta be kidding me. Humphrey: You guys! They have fudge here! Noon: What about blankets? Shouldn't we got more? Bell: That's a good idea. Let's just do this as quickly as possible. I think we're already running a little behind schedule. Miller: What schedule? [Cabazon, Nutter and Loutzenheizer enter stage left without being noticed, eyeing up Liane] Swan: Do we have a schedule, Mr. Packer? [Packer notices the trappers. He runs out of the store] Mr. Packer? [Outside the general store, Packer composes himself] Cabazon: Is this your horse? Packer: [dumbstruck] Eyup. Cabazon: Purty. Packer: I'm Alferd Packer. Cabazon: Frenchy Cabazon Packer: Oh, you're French. Cabazon: ...No. Packer: Oh. Cabazon: We're just uh, stopping through your quaint little town here on the way to Colorado Territory. Packer: Oh uh, I'm not from here. In fact, I'm, I'm leading a... party to... Colorado Territory myself. Nutter: Whereabouts. Packer: Breckenridge Nutter: Is that near Saguache? Packer: Saguache is... [Humphrey strolls out of the general store and walks up behind Packer] Yeah, yeah, it's near Saguache. [the others follow carrying supplies] Cabazon: Say, you dudes wanna trade some furs for the trip? We got rabbits and beavers. Swan: Ogh, how horrible! Humphrey: Well where'd you guys get all those little dead animals?

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Loutzenheizer: We're trappers, stupid. Packer: Poor little bunny rabbits. Cabazon: Figured you were all trappers too. She's an Arabian, ain't she? Packer: Yeah. Cabazon: [sniffs] Arabian's a trapper horse. Loutzenheizer: You ain't trappers Miller: No, we're miners. Nutter: You're diggers! Loutzenheizer: A trapper horse ain't supposed to be with no digger. Humphrey: [sarcastic] Nice hat. Cabazon: [chuckles] Oh boy, a bunch of diggers traipsin' through the Rockies in the middle of winter. [laughs] That's rich. Nutter: I'll say. Cabazon: Don't you boys know how scary the mountains are? [beat] Whatcha gonna do if you run into some Injuns? [beat] Or the Cyclops? Humphrey: There's no Cyclops in the Rocky Mountains, is there you guys? Bell: We're not afraid of anything. We have Jesus on our side. Cabazon: Oh well, if you're not scared or anything... Boo! Packer: Aaaah! [loses his balance and ends up on his back. The trappers leave Liane and check out the Clerk's wares] Cabazon: Have a nice trip, boys. Bell: [dismissive] Good-bye. Swan: So, who's cookin' dinner tonight? Humphrey: I'll cook! I'm a great cook. Miller: Humphrey, everyone knows you're a chronic liar. Humphrey: ... But I can! I'm a super cook! [Miners exit] Act 2 Scene 3 [A campfire with the Miners sat around. Liane stands next to them, being groomed by Packer. Humphrey cooks up some mess in a small pot, then looks around] Miller: You sonofabitch, Humphrey. Humphrey: Oh, come on! You haven't even tried it yet. [hands Miller some mess in a dish. Miller tastes it and chews it around a bit] Miller: You sonofabitch, Humphrey. Humphrey: Hmph. Swan: Mmmm! This stuff is great! Can I- Can I have more of that yellow stuff? Packer: [grooming Liane] Hey, do you guys think it's true, that... she's a trapper horse? Bell: Oh, a horse is a horse. Humphrey: Of course. Packer: Of course, but... I don't think Arabians even are trapper horses. Are they? Swan: All that matters, Mr. Packer, is that you're good to that horse. Trappers never are.

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Bell: He's right. Miller: God, you guys make me sick. What is this, a feel-good convention? Bell: Now listen, we've got a long journey ahead of us, and it's important that we all get along. Now, you're hurting people's feelings. You're gonna have to find a more constructive way to express your anger. Miller: Okay. Well fuck you! How's that for constructive? Bell: That's great. Now go to time-out, mister. Swan: We warned you. Miller: God, you guys are weird! [squats on a boulder near Humphrey] Bell: Uuuuunh! Twenty feet away! [Miller rises and moves further away, then sits] Turn around. You know the rules [Miller turns away from the group] Noon: Man, I just can't wait to Breckenridge to see all those pretty women. Swan: It's really all you care about, isn't it? Noon: Well you know, I mean, I've been... hikin' around mining like my dad for ages. I mean, it's like, the only people we ever see are guys. I think the only time I've ever actually seen women is in Salt Lake City. You know, I mean, the women there are just so... Humphrey: Mormon. Noon: I mean, I'm nineteen now. You know, I mean, I just wanna get in there and see what it feels like to, you know. Packer: What? Bell: Well young man, if there's half as much gold in those hills as people say, you'll be rich. And you won't have any problem finding err... huh, that. Packer: [smiles] What? [the smile leaves. He really doesn't know...] What? Noon: I know that there's more to life than women. [taps his cheek] I just can't seem to figure out what else there is. I don't need it every night. Every morning would be just fine. A little sex, that's all I'm askin' for. [sings] That's all I'm askin' for. Bell, Swan: That's all he's askin' for. Noon: Something I can test. A gal would suit me best. I got a thing to use; I know what to use it for. A girl I can love and kiss and hold and fu- 'm. That's all I'm askin' for. Bell: Now, I don't wanna be rich for the sake of women I wanna be rich for the sake of o-ur Lord Enough to build a church where everyone can come. Enough for the Lord, that's all I'm askin' for. That's all I'm askin' for. Swan, Packer: That's all he's askin' for. Humphrey: It ain't a lot to ask. I'm sure we'll get it fast. A friend of mine was minin' and he made a lot of cash He made a gazillion dollars! How is that?! That's all I'm askin' for. Miller: He did not make a gazillion dollars! Humphrey: You wanna ask him? I'll tell you where he lives! Miners: That's all he's askin' for. Humphrey: That's all I'm askin' for.

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Swan: We're tired of being sick. We're sick of being poor. We've had a little luck. Now we want a little more! Swan, Bell, Enough so we never do anything any-more Noon, That's all we're askin' for! Humphrey: Swan: Hey, what about you, Mr. Miller? What are you askin' for? Miller: No, no. I don't sing. Bell: Oh, come on. If you can talk, you can sing. Miller: I just wanna make enough so I can open up a shop of my own and, go on with my family trade. Bell: Well there, that's great! What is it you do? Miller: I'm a butcher. Noon: You're a butcher? Bell: Yeah. Packer: I've never had much in the way of family My horse is the only pal I've ever known I'd like to build a ranch in the Rocky Mountain air A home for us, that's all I'm askin' for. Miners: That's all we're askin' for. That's all we're askin' for. We're tired of being sick. We're sick of being poor. We've had a little luck, now we want a little more. Noon: A girl I can love! Bell: A church! Packer: A ranch! Miller: A store. Miners: That's all we’re as-kin'... That's all we’re as-kin'... That's all we’re askin' for! [They collapse in laughter] Noon: Shpadoinkle! [the laughter dies down] Packer: You know, the thing I think I want more than anything, is just to go south to Saguache, and find those trappers and walk up to 'em and go "Hah! We made it!" [they hear a cat nearby and they look. The voice of Ralph returns] Ralph: [eerie voice] You're doomed! You're all doomed! Packer: Heh. Heh. Yeah. Act 2 Scene 4 [Morning in the canyons. The Miners are sat around their extinguished campfire. Liane is no longer with them. A rooster is heard] Packer: Liane!! [the other miners stir] Liane!! Humphrey: [sleepily] Morning, Mom. Packer: I don't know where she could have gone. Noon: You had her tied up, didn't ya? Packer: No, I... never do. Liane!! Humphrey: [groggy] Hey it's my house. Bell: What's goin' on here?

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Noon: Packer's horse left. Miller: What?? Our food was on that horse! Humphrey: Come on, you guys! I'm tired! Packer: She'll be back. She probably just went on ahead to find some water or... something. Liane!! Here, girl!! Bell: [rolls up his sleeping bag] Hey, come on, Packer. We should get goin' Packer: Well no, I can't go now. I've gotta find her. Miller: [exasperated] Whoa whoa whoa, look, asshole! You said you'd take us to Breckenridge! You're not gonna leave us here to find it ourselves! Packer: Well I'm not gonna leave here without her! Miller: [pulls out a small pistol and aims it at Packer] Well I say y'are Bell: [intervenes, lowering Miller's pistol] We've gotta keep moving, Packer, especially now that we've lost all our food. We have to get to the next town as soon as possible. Noon: Hey Packer. Looks like her trails lead off that way. Maybe she's in front of us. Packer: [reluctantly] Okay... Act 2 Scene 5 [Utah, the Miners approach the banks of the Green River] Packer: [Narrating] Liane's tracks headed east. And so I kept following them. The men didn't care, as long as we were still aiming for Breckenridge. And then something happened that... changed everything. Packer: Here, girl! Humphrey: How far to Colorado Territory? Packer: I dunno. We must be pretty close. Liane!! [tries to whistle, but he blows a raspberry] Here, girl! ...[softly] Man, she's lost. Miller: She's not lost! She just took off! Packer: No, she didn't just take off. We're friends, and friends just don't take off! Humphrey: [watching his step] Watch out for that bear trap Bell: What? [SNAP!] HAAAAAAAAAAH!! UUUUUUUH! Shpadoinkle! [Miller and Noon try to pry the trap open] Humphrey: [tries to help] Hey, you guys are doin' it wrong! Bell: [in pain] ...Get it off...ohhh... Humphrey: You do it like this. [proceeds to open the trap] Bell: ...Get it off, please... [Humphrey loses his grip, and the trap snaps back onto Bell's leg] HAAAAAAAAAAH!! Humphrey: [opens the trap again] Whooops! Okay. [loses his grip again, and the trap snaps back onto Bell's leg] Bell: HAAAAAAAAAAH!! Packer: [pushes Humphrey off] Here, here. Let, let me try. [slowly opens the trap] Bell: Ohohh, my leg! Oh, get it off! [removes his foot from the open trap] Oh, God! Packer: Whoa, I did it. You okay? Bell: Who the heck put a trap here?!

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Miller: It's not that bad, is it? Bell: I don't know. Let me... [attacks Humphrey] ...SEE! Humphrey: Owww. Bell: Yeah, it's fine. Humphrey: Hey look you guys! The Green River! Bell: Boy, I'm not havin' much luck on this trip, am I? Swan: Weeell, look on the bright side: At least you didn't get your head caught in that thing. Noon: How the hell are we supposed to cross this? Packer: [somewhat confused] W-wait, there's supposed to be a bridge. We must be... [looks to his left] too far north. Or... [looks to his right] too far south. Miller: Some guide! Humphrey: Oookay. We, we could take our wheelbarrow, build it into a little boat, and then we ride it across, and then build it back into a wheelbarrow again! Noon: Talk about wasting time. Don't be such a horse's ass. [Packer hangs his head, despondent] Sorry, Packer. How deep do you think it is? Packer: Here, let me... [Packer picks up a rock and tosses it in. Everyone waits a few seconds] Miller: Well? What the hell was that supposed to prove?! Packer: Well, s-s.. what... I don't know. Bell: Well, let's just see what we can carry. Noon: [to Swan] Do you really think we can make it? Swan: Sure. As long as we all go at once. That way, if one of us trips and starts shooting downstream, we'll all be there to catch him. Noon: Downstream? Miller: Nobody's goin' downstream. [a long shot from across the river for a few seconds] Humphrey: This is gonna suck. Swan: Okay. On three. One. Two! [Eagerly enters river] Three! [the other miners follow him in. The wheelbarrow is left behind] Okay everybody, go in a straight line and we'll be fine. [the water overtakes them and they go down some rapids. Humphrey is swept off stage] What the hell is that?! [The miners land on the opposite bank and drag themselves out] Miller: It's cold. Noon: I can't feel my balls. Packer: Wait, I... I think we lost Humphrey. Miller: Good! Bell: Hey Packer, are there any more big rivers between here and Breckenridge? Packer: No, just the Colorado. Bell: Oh. Noon: You guys, I can't feel my balls! Swan: Well, we'd better set up camp quick and get out of these clothes, or else we're gonna get hypothermia or somethin' awful. Bell: He's right. We've gotta get some body heat going. [Humphrey floats by] Humphrey: [oblivious] Okay you guys, follow me. I think I see a way out. All right, just stick with me now, I've been down this river before. All right, it gets a

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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little rough up here, but stick with me... Act 2 Scene 6 [Night-time, new camp. The Miners are under sheets around a doused campfire, naked, two to a bed. To the left are Swan and Packer. To the right are Bell and Humphrey. At the far end of the campfire are Noon and Miller.] Noon: Yeah. I'm startin' to feel there again. [laughs with relief] Whew. That scared the shit out of me. Humphrey: Gosh. I never thought I'd be sleeping next to a naked man on this trip. Noon: Just do what I'm doin'. Just pretend like you're layin' next to a nice, soft woman. Miller: What?! Noon: Just imagining ol' Mr. Miller here is a nice, tall blondeMiller: Aw, Goddamnit! [bolts out of his bed and runs off] I want a different partner! Bell: You know, I think we should all take a minute and thank the Lord for gettin' us across that river. Humphrey: Carrots and peas and carrots and peas and water chestnuts. Amen. Bell: [at the same time] Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name. Amen. Humphrey: Huh... I can't go on... I'm so hungry... Oh wait! I have some fudge! Noon: Say Packer... You really miss Liane, dontcha? Packer: [sits up] Boy, I'll say. I just... can't believe she'd just take off like that. Swan: [reclines] Don't worry, Mr. Packer. There's plenty of horses in the world. You'll find another one. Packer: Wouldn't want another one. [Humphrey finds his fudge and munches on a piece] She will never know what she meant to me. Whenever I was with her, I was always as gentle as I could be Now, I don't know why, but she's gone away... And I'll just have to stand on my own two legs... Your eyes, your smile... made my little life worthwhile. There was nothing I couldn't do... When I was on top of you... I'd pull her hair, she'd know to stop And when she looked behind her, I'd always be there And now I don't know why, but she, she's gone And all I can do is try to carry on... Your eyes, your smile... made my little life worthwhile. The sky was a lot more blue... When I was on top of you... When I was on top of you...

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Humphrey: Fudge, Packer? Act 3 Scene 1 [The Sheriff's office, cell. Packer continues with his story to Pry] Packer: Liane was the only thing I ever had. The only thing that made me feel... important, the only thing that made me feel ...wanted. That night, I swore I'd get those men to Breckenridge as fast as I possibly could. Pry: So... that was the last time you ever saw her. Packer: No. I saw her again all right. Pry: [firmly] Trappers took her. Packer: I don't know if anybody took her. But then a few weeks later, we crossed over into Colorado Territory. That's when we came across an Indian camp and were taken to their chief. Act 3 Scene 2 [Colorado Territory. Ute reservation. The Miners enter, led by Indian and American Indian] Humphrey: "Are there any more big rivers between here and Breckenridge?" "Oh no, just the Colorado." "The biggest fucking river I've ever seen in my entire life, thank you very much," Packer: It didn't used to be that big. Swan: Hey look, you guys. Snow! [Bell goes to play with the snow] American We have arrived. What do you think of our authentic Indian camp? Indian: Noon: What the hell kinda language is that? Packer: I don't know. Humphrey: [Steps forward] Wait. You guys, let me talk to 'em. I know how to speak Indian. Noon: [doubting] We're gonna die. Humphrey: [to Indian] Wipwah wipwah, suro no happo. Indian: What on earth?? Humphrey: Hm.. He says, "Welcome to the land of the blue light." Indian: Is this some kind of joke? Humphrey: "I am a carpenter, and this is my brother, Tom." Miller: Humphrey, you are so full of shit! Packer: Ask them if they've seen a horse with a freckled nose. Bell: He doesn't know what they're sayin'! Swan: Hey, you guys wanna build a snowman or somethin'? Bell: Shut up, Swan! [Swan throws a snowball at him] Swan: Hahaha... got ya! [The Chief enters and approaches them] Chief: Hi hi hi! Welcome! I reckon you're the heroes of this play? Humphrey: He saysChief: [speaking slowly throughout the scene] Who are you, assholes?

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Humphrey: Oh, he speaks English. A. Indian: [nods] Mmmm. You strangers are weird. Bell: We are from Utah! Indian: [confused] Utah? Bell: [produces the Book of Mormon and taps it] U-tah! Chief: Aaaaaaash! Utah, yes! [nods excitedly] Bell: Could you tell me what tribe this is? Chief: [strokes his chin] Hmmmmm... We are... Indians! [smiles] Bell: ...Yes, I see that, but... What Indians? Chief: You don't think we are... [moves his fingers over his face as if he were face-painting] Indians? [grins] Bell: No, no, no, I just um... Chief: We have... Teepees. [shows off his teepee proudly] Bell: Right. I see, but... Chief: Look at aaaaall these teepees ...we have. Because... [looks at Indian] we are... [Indians nod at Miners] Indians! Packer: Yeah, they have teepees. [ Squaw enters behind the chief] Squaw: Where are they going? Chief: Where is your... des-tin-a-tion? Packer: Brec-ken-ridge Bell: It's a small town east of here. Chief: I knoowww. There are... lots of gold, right? Swan: Yeah, that's the place. Chief: I'm afraid there is terrible storm in the mountains. [the Squaw begins to blush and flirt. Noon flirts back, beckoning her] So, if you like, you may wait here with us and other... assholes... for storm to caaalm dooown. [places his hands on an invisible sea, trying to calm it down] Packer: What other assholes? Chief: Ten days ago, a group of ass-holes like yourselves came through here. I told them they should wait for the storm to end. Bell: Well where are they? Chief: They are in west of camp. You will be taken to them now, but don't take too long, because dinner in one hour. Bell: Thank you... Chief. [motions the other miners to follow. All miners apart from exit. Noon stops by the squaw] Noon: Yeah, yeah. [he lingers] Yeah, yup yup yup yup yup yup. Yeah. [finally looks at the squaw] I like your feather. [softly] Yeah, yup yup yup yup yup. [another pause, then he turns and walks away and exits]. Act 3 Scene 3 [West of the camp, the Trappers (ass-holes) are there, the Miners enter, not noticing them] Miller: Hey, screw this man, if they're not keepin' us here, let's just ask for some food and be on our way. Humphrey: Yeah, we wanna get to Breckenridge before all the gold's worked out, remember?

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Bell: I don't know. I really think we oughtta wait that storm out. Noon: Yeah. Me too. Swan: Indians know what they're talking about when it comes to weather. Cabazon: Well, lookie who's here! Packer: Aw, crap. Cabazon: So, you boys were lucky enough to run into the Injins too, eh? Good thing! You diggers would have died for sure in that storm! Say, what happened to your horse, Packer? Humphrey: She ran away. [Packer smacks him lightly] What? Cabazon: She... [laughs, then jabs his friends to make them laugh too] Boy, that's a stitch! Nutter: Hoho, I'll say! Packer: [testily] What's so funny? Cabazon: Come on, Packer! It was only a matter of time. A trapper horse can't spend her whole life with no boring, dumb, cheezmo miner! Packer: Well it's... better than just leaving traps where people can step in 'em and stuff! Noon: Yeah and... killin' all those little furry animals all the time. Loutzenheizer: Aww, don't hurt the little animals. Humphrey: [retort] Niiice hat!! Packer: Well I'd rather be a miner than a trapper any day! Cabazon: [returns] You guys don't even know what it MEANS to be a trapper! Nutter: Yeah! Tell 'em, French! Cabazon: I can catch a helpless animal, Skin it with my bare hands. I wake up muddy, and I go to bed bloody 'Cause I'm a trappin' man! I can brave the nastiest weather. Trappers: Weather! Cabazon: Even if it's eighty below Trappers: Below! Cabazon: My pa was an elephant, but that's irrelevant My mom was an Eskimo. I eat rabbits' heads for breakfast. Trappers: Breakfast! Cabazon: With beaver butt on the side Trappers: The side! Cabazon: My mind's magnificent, my body no different. I'm full of trapper pride! Yoho! Nutter: Yoho! Loutzenheizer: Yoho! Cabazon: Rip their fur, cut their skin with my knife. Yoho! Nutter: Yoho! Loutzenheizer: Yoho! Cabazon: One thing's for sure, there's nothin' like the trappin' life!

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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I'm badder than the baddest sailor. Trappers: Sailor! Cabazon: I make love to women ten feet tall. Trappers: Good Lord! Cabazon: I got a chest of wonder and balls of thunder I can break right through a wall! I love the sound of metalTrappers: Metal! Cabazon: -snapping on an animal's head! Trappers: Ka chink! Cabazon: Sometimes they scamper, sometimes they whimper, But they always end up dead! Nutter: [softly] I've always wanted to be somebody Who didn't get pushed around Now that I'm a trapper I'm the meanest guy around. Cabazon: [interjects] Second meanest! The blood of a fresh-killed rodent Is as sweet as brandy wine And the brain of an antelope tastes like cantaloupe What a yummy life! Yoho! Nutter: Yoho! Loutzenheizer: Yoho! Cabazon: Rip their fur, cut their eyes out with my knife. Yoho! Nutter: Yoho! Loutzenheizer: Yoho! Noon: [thoroughly annoyed] Oh, stop! Humphrey: That's sick Cabazon: I agree. [shoves Nutter] Nutter, you were singing in the wrong key! Nutter: No I wasn't! It was Loutzenheizer! I was singing in E flat minor Cabazon: The song's in F sharp major! Bell: I think they're the same thing. I mean, E flat is the relative minor of F sharp. Cabazon: No it isn't! The relative minor is three half tones UP from the major, not DOWN! Noon: No, it's three down, like A is the relative minor of C major. [Packer walks around the background] Loutzenheizer: But isn't A sharp in C major? Bell: Wait, are you singing mixolydian scales or something? Cabazon: A sharp is tonic to C major! It's the 6! Humphrey: No it isn't! Swan: Well, it'd be like a raised thirteenth if anything. Cabazon: Oh well, you guys are just a bunch of loser diggers anyhow. Humphrey: Oh, see? You know we're right. Packer: I knew it! This is Liane's food bag! You dirty so-and-so, where is she?!

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Cabazon: [feigning ignorance] I don't know what you're talkin' about. We found it on the way up here. Packer: You're a liar! Cabazon: Are you calling me a liar? Packer: Yes. Nutter: You'd be smart to get out of here, buddy! Packer: Look, Frenchy, you know where she is, and I'd really like to- [Cabazon punches him into the miners. Packer knocks Bell down] Ow, that smarts! Oh! Cabazon: Nobody, but NOBODY, calls Frenchy Cabazon a liar! Swan: Hey hey hey now, do you need to go to time-out? [Cabazon knocks him out] Cabazon: Anyone else? Huh, huh? [barks at the miners, who jump back a bit] Now GET OUT of my personal space! [the miners walk exit, unsure where to go] Act 3 Scene 4 [The Sheriff's office, cell. Packer continues telling his story to Pry] Packer: And so we stayed with the Indians, and I watched the trappers' every move. [the door opens and the Sheriff (Lake City) enters] Sheriff (Lake [in an irish accent] Oh. Got him goin' on about the horse again, did ya? City): Come on. It's time to go back to the courthouse. Act 3 Scene 5 [The Courthouse. Pry, the Judge, the Bailiff, the Sheriff, Mills, Chorus and Packer are already inside, waiting for the proceedings. A tomato is tossed at him, he doesn't move at first, then he looks back] Packer: Ow. [The gavel sounds] Judge: The defendant will rise. [Packer rises] Alferd Packer, a jury of twelve honest citizens have sat in judgement on your case, and have found you... guilty. [the courtroom buzzes with quiet chatter about the verdict] Alferd Packer, the judgment of this court is that you be removed from hence to the jail of Hinsdale County, and then be taken to a place of execution prepared for this purpose, within the limits of the town of Lake City, and then and there be hung by the neck until you are dead, dead, dead. [Packer is mortified. The judge smiles] And may God have mercy on your soul. [lowers the gavel once more, closing the proceedings. The audience cheers. Bailiffs come and escort Packer out. Audience members heckle him and the judge dances in his chair happily, all but Polly and Mills exit. Polly Pry takes some notes and tries to pass the prosecutor (Mills)] Mills: Hey, we won! Pry: [trying to ignore him] Yes. You certainly did. Mills: [caresses Pry's hand] So I suppose it won't be hard for a winning prosecuting attorney to get a date for dinner? Pry: No. [pulls her hand away] I don't suppose it will. [Mills leaves the courthouse. Under her breath Pry says] Asshole.

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[Pry sits and reviews her notes] Pry: [reading loud to herself] It was then that Packer's horse, his only friend, ran away. Did his loss lead to his murdering and eating his [whispers and she writes] unsuspecting companions [continues loud] unsuspecting companions. What could have caused his madness? [rests her head on her hand] I can't imagine him being so violent. He seems so... harmless. Why should I care? [begins to sing] What is this magic I feel? Seems no matter where I am, it finds me. Puts the memories of hope inside me, Makes me warm once more. He's just a quiet man, But his eyes can see right through me. Is it only that I feel pity? Could it be something more? Safe as an island far off to sea. I'd almost forgotten this side of me. What is this magic I feel? Thought this mushy stuff was below me Could it be he is the one to show me What compassion is for? Safe as an island far off to sea. I'd almost forgotten this side of me. Perhaps I'm not the cold bitch I pretended to be. I'd almost forgotten this side of me. Act 4 Scene 1 [The Sheriff's office, morning. The Sheriff shows Pry in. Packer sits on the cell floor working on his dollhouse once again.] Pry: Hi, Mr. Packer. How are you doing? Packer: [touchy] How am I doing? Have you ever been sitting around waiting to die? Pry: [barks back] Yes, I have, as a matter of fact! Packer: When?! Pry: Well all right, Uh never. Really. Packer: Didn't think so. Pry: Now, you left the Indian camp January. How long before you realized-? Packer: Oh, no no no no. What's the point? I, I told you what I told you because I thought you cared! I didn't realize you were the prosecuting attorney's girl. Pry: [gasps] I am NOT his girl! I just met the man last week! Packer: Great guy... Pry: Are you jealous? Packer: Why the hell would I be jealous? I'm gonna die tomorrow! Pry: Hm. He says I shouldn't believe a word you say. He said you went mad at

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that bar in Saguache. Packer: Oh. That's the biggest joke ever! You wanna know what happened? Okay, we were at the Indian camp. It was the morning after another... big snow, and it was also the first time I noticed Bell getting edgy. Act 4 Scene 2 [The Ute Indian camp, day. The Chief leads Indian, American Indian and Packer in morning exercises - martial arts. Noon and the Squaw are sat together away from them] Chief: Your skill is improving, Packer. Packer: Uh, thanks Chief. Hey, uh, when do you think I'll be able to use this stuff against like, two big guys and one short but tough one? Chief: You mean ...those ...crazy trappers? Packer: ...Yeah. Chief: Ohhhh. Remember, this practice we do, [a quick series of punches then makes a mousy face and paws] hamster style, is not for becoming bully, Okay? Packer: Okay. Chief: Besides, we have nothing to worry about. Those crazy trappers left this morning. Packer: Oh really? Good. [suddenly panicked] They WHAT??? Chief: Yeah. They decided to go ahead. Although I... told them not to. [shakes his head in disapproval] Those crazy trappers. Packer: You're kidding! [The Chief shakes his head and mouths "Nooo."] You're not kidding! [bolts] Noon: [to squaw] Yeah, I may look ...tough and mean-spirited, but... I'm really a sensitive... artist. Squaw: That's very interesting. Noon: I paint. And I sculpt, with my hands. Squaw: That's very interesting too. Noon: You have no idea what I'm saying, do you? Squaw: That's very interesting. [Bell enters next to Noon up with some firewood, closely followed by Humphrey, Miller and Swan. Packer runs across the stage towards the two miners. Indians exit] Packer: You guys! [stumbles] Shpadoinkle. We have to go! I mean, we should be going. Noon: What?? Packer: The trappers left this morning. Noon: So? Packer: So? ...So... Maybe they saw a break in the weather. Noon: Well I'm not goin' anywhere! Packer: Come, come on you guys. Have you forgotten your dreams? We wanted to get to Breckenridge before all the gold was gone, remember? Noon: No way! No way! Bell: Well now, let's think about this. If the trappers saw a break in the storm, that could mean something. This could be the last chance we get to get out

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of here for months. Noon: It's the middle of the winter. You heard the chief. He said to stay here. Remember? He said clearlyBell: Now now, calm down, calm down, okay? I mean, Breckenridge can't be that far, right? Packer: Yeah. Bell: Besides, if you quit acting like a SEX-STARVED LITTLE MR. PERVERT, we'd be able to get out of here. Squaw: [laughs] Okay. Bell: Let's get goin'. [They all get their stuff together. The Chief enters again.] Chief: Whaaat? You're leaving? You're crazy too. Bell: Well, that gold can't wait for us any longer. Chief: I give you... enough food for the trip. Okay? Bell: Thanks, Chief. [the miners turn and leave] Good-bye Humphrey: See ya, Chief! Swan: Shpadoinkle! Chief: Oh! Watch out for the ...Cyclops!

Act 4 Scene 3 [The Miners walk through the Rocky Mountains, in two feet of snow] Packer: [Narrating] I may be slow sometimes, but I'm not stupid. I knew the trappers had kidnapped Liane, and that she was waiting for me to save her. I thought I could catch up to them on their way to Saguache, but ...then I got us kinda lost. Bell: This doesn't look right, Packer! Packer: The chief said to follow the river east; we're following the river east. Bell: Yeah, but he didn't say anything about the forbidding mountainous landscape! When did we lose the river? Noon: I can't go on anymore! I'm staving! Miller: Don't be such a wimp. [Bell stops checks the wound on his leg. The other miners look back at Bell] Humphrey: Ewww! Bell: This trip can't get any worse for me. [the miners turn and move forward, except for Swan, who is left breathless by the view] Swan: This canyon is sooo beautiful! [turns around and follows the others] Packer: [Narrating] And so we kept heading for Breckenridge, but we still couldn't find any food, and it wasn't long before we were deep in the Rocky Mountains Bell: We've gotta be really close now! Noon: I can't go on... [Humphrey stumbles and falls] I need food! I, I can't! I... I... Humphrey: Me neither! I'm starving! Swan: Look. Humphrey: A sheep! Swan: Yes! [At this, Noon goes to undo his pants. Packer notices and stops him]

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Packer: Nononono, to eat! Noon: I know! I gotta take a piss! [goes on his way] Packer: Oh. Miller: Come on! [gets into position] Here little lamb chop! Come'ere, boy! [squats in order to get the lamb. Miller has his arm outstretched and his gun ready to fire. The other miners stand behind them] Bell: Well what are you waiting for? Shoot it. Miller: Well... [loses heart and offers the gun to Bell] You shoot it. Bell: [pushes Miller's arm away] You're supposed to be the butcher! Miller: Well... well I know, but... [offers the gun back to Bell] Bell: [very quietly] Give me this fucking gun... [takes it and aims it at the lamb. The lamb turns around] Packer: I don't think I can watch this. Bell: So look the other way. [Packer does just that and walks into the Cyclops.] Packer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Humphrey: [rises from the ground] What?! He hasn't even done it yet! [the other miners turn and look.] Miners: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Cyclops: Are you lookin' at my eye?! [pus gushes out of the socket] Miners: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Cyclops: Are you lookin' at my eye?! [pus gushes out of the socket] Miners: [blocking the pus to keep it out of their faces] No, no, no, no. Cyclops: A Union Army soldier did this to me in the big one. Any of you boys fight for the Union Army? [A Southerner, apparently] Miller: [catching on] Shucks no. Bell: Shuckie-dang darn. Cyclops: So you're the boys that been killin' all mah sheepies with those traps. [more pus gushes out] Noon: [drawn out drawl] No, we just now gots here. Cyclops: [warming to the miners] Where are you from? Humphrey: Nashville. Cyclops: Well damn, it's good to see some Southern boys. It's been a long tahm. Well, I wish I was in the land of cotton, Old times there are not forgotten Look away! Look away! Look away!... [waits for the miners to finish the line] Humphrey: [volunteers] ...You stupid Yank. [Noon looks back in disbelief] Cyclops: You ain't Southern boys! [advances on them] Miners: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [The miners rush out of the area and exit. The Cyclops exits away from the miners.] Miller: You asshole Humphrey!

Act 4 Scene 4 [Another part of the Rocky Mountains, the Miners with low spirits trudge through]

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Packer: [narrating] As the days went by, the snow just got deeper and deeper. And then I realized that... maybe the men were losing some hope. Humphrey: Excuse me. Ah, I've been doing some thinking, um, just kinda lookin' at our situation here. And I've come to the conclusion that we're completely FUCKED! Has anybody else made this discovery? Packer: But I'm sure this is the right way. Noon: I don't wanna die. Swan: Yes. Noon: Oh God. Swan: The snow is deep in places... Noon: I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die here. Swan: Sometimes... the world is black, and tears run from your eyes And maybe we'll all get... really sick. And maybe we'll all die. Soooooooooooooooooooo...[builds a snowman throughout the song] Let's build a snowman. We can make him our best friend. We can name him Tom, we can name him George. We can make him tall, or we can make him not so tall. Snowman! He'll have a happy face, a happy smile, a happy point of view! If you build me a snowman, then I'll build one for you! So, let's build a snowman. We can make him our best friend. We can name him Bob, or we can name him Beowulf. We can make him tall, or we can make him not so tall. Snowman! Hey! [begins a tapdance] He'll have a happy face, a happy smile, a happy point of view! If you build me a snowman, -Miller: This fucker's gone completely nuts! Swan: -- Then I'll build one for you! Snowmaaan! Snowmaaan! Snowmaaan! [puts his own hat on the snowman. Miller pushes through the group and approaches the snowman. He smashes it to bits with several swings from his axe. Swan looks on benevolently, smiling. Miller walks back to the other miners, and they all exit]

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Act 4 Scene 5 [Night time. The moon peeks through the clouds. On the ground the Miners sit around the campfire having walked through another storm and trying to keep warm. They're busy removing their footwear] Packer: [narrating] The days were bad, but the nights were worse. All we did was try to keep from freezing. We were all frostbitten and on our last legs when the butcher suggested that we... eat our shoes. Humphrey: Well I'm not eatin' my fuckin' shoes! Packer: [narrating] He said the salt and the leather would only hold us over for the night. We didn't care. It was one more night to stay alive. [Miller sniffs his meal, then takes a bite.] Miller: We're just prolonging the inevitable. We're dying. As in dead? As in no more nothing. Bell: The Lord works in mysterious ways. Miller: You realize how stupid that sounds right now, don't you? Bell: Yes I do. Swan: You know, pretty soon this whole trip will be behind us and, we can look back on it with fond memories. Bell: What fond memories?! Swan: You have to stay optimistic. This is nothing that a little positive thinking can't help us get through. Miller: How the hell can you say that?! You're frostbitten worse than the rest of us! Swan: Well you never realize what a good time you're having until after it's over. Bell: Swan, why don't you take a Goddamn minute to look around-? Packer: Come on, you guys. You're just wasting valuable energy. Miller, Bell: [pointing to Swan] Well then tell him to shut up! Packer: Swan, shut up. Swan: [laughs and ribs Packer gently] Heh, you! [Noon pulls out a shoelace from his mouth, having sucked the salt out of it. Humphrey pulls on his hat and it comes off like a cork. As the hat comes off, a loud pop echoes through the valley. A massive amount of curly hair graces Humphrey's head and Noon looks at it in awe.] Humphrey: What?! Act 4 Scene 6 [Darkness, Liane slowly walks into the only light] Liane: Nobody rides me anymore [Liane sings her song then exits, sad] Act 4 Scene 7 [Morning. The Miners stagger through a valley gasping and moaning] Bell: Okay Packer! What now?! I can't keep goin' on like this forever! Noon: Me neither. We haven't eaten in a week. Bell: What are we gonna do, Packer?! Swan: [brightly] I know what we should do.

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Noon: What?? Swan: Let's build a snowman. We can make him our best friend. Miller: Shut the fuck up, Swan! Swan: We can name him Shannon! Shannon Wilson Bell Miller: [insistent] Swan, shut the fuck up! Swan: We can make him tall, or we can make him not so tall- [Bell takes his gun and shoots Swan in the head. the other miners look, then approach the body. Bell stays behind] Noon: He's dead! Humphrey: Oh, well no kidding, he's dead! Half his brains are lyin' in the snow. [Bell looks at the gun, throws it down, and exits] Act 4 Scene 8 [Dusk. The Miners sit at a new campfire looking at Swan's corpse. Bell is sat away from the group] Packer: He, he looks so happy. Noon: It's like he's gonna sing a song... [pause] Hey Packer, if we make it out of this, we're gonna turn Bell in, aren't we? Packer: I don't know. We'll just figure all that out when we get there. Noon: IF we get there! Hell, we should've gone to California or somethin' Miller: Well, haven't you ever heard of the Donner party? Humphrey: Yeah, the Donner party. They got stuck in the California mountains. Packer: They had to eat each other to stay alive. [pause, then turn their heads towards Swan's corpse. They gaze at it for a while, then turn back towards the fire] Humphrey: Well heck yeah! Why not?! Bell: [pipes in] Wait a minute, Humphrey, you wouldn't even eat your shoes! Humphrey: Well yeah, but you put your feet in shoes. Miller: But what do we eat? Humphrey: Well you're the butcher. Miller: Well, yeah, but... I dunno, uh. IHumphrey: [thrusts the butcher knife at Miller] So, butch! [Miller rises and walks over to Swan's corpse. He crouches down and starts cutting it apart.] Wait! You're cuttin' into his butt! Miller: Well what kind of piece do you want? Humphrey: Well not butt! [Miller sighs and goes back to removing an arm and stripping meat from it. Miller passes meat along, Humphrey takes the rest of the arm. Everyone holds their meat over the fire. Noon takes his first bite. The other miners follow suit. Humphrey bites into Swan's left arm. Packer notices and throws up] Humphrey: Gross, Packer! [Noon looks at Bell, then turns back] Noon: What about him? Bell: I don't want any! Miller: [softly] Fine. You're in time-out anyway. [Packer lies down and settles in to sleep.] Humphrey: Aw, look, you got it on my pants! [Packer simply drifts off to sleep]

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Act 5 Scene 1 [Dream sequence. Packer walks into view on stage wearing his coat, scarf and hat, black shirt and pink tights. He sees Liane munching on flowers. Excited, he takes off his coat, drops it on the floor, and dances around. He swoops down and pulls up a bouquet of flowers. He throws it up in the air and dances amid the falling blossoms. He performs the splits, then struggles to get up. He finally stands and dances towards the stage front. Cabazon steps in front of him and faces him directly. Packer moves back a bit. Cabazon does as well, and begins to dance. Packer marvels at Cabazon's agility. Cabazon takes out his knife, strokes it, and jabs Packer with it. Packer falls to the ground, hurt. Cabazon moves in for the kill-] Act 5 Scene 2 [Bright day in the snowy rocky mountains, the Miners are walking along] Humphrey: Is there anymore Swan left? I want breakfast. Packer: You know, I think, I think we're really close now. Noon: You know, I have lost count of how many times you've said that! I mean, how long have we been out here?! Three weeks? Humphrey: More Noon: I mean, how far can Breckenridge be?! Bell: Jesus Christ, don't you idiots get it?! It's that stupid horse! That's why we're out here freezing and starving to death, because of his Goddamned horse! Humphrey: What? Bell: We're nowhere near Breckenridge! We're way too far south! [to Packer] Don't you remember what's south of Breckenridge? Saguache! Noon: That's where the trappers were goin'. Packer: You asked me to take you to Breckenridge; that's what I'm tryin' to do! Bell: THEN WHY ARE WE SO FAR SOUTH?! Humphrey: You guys, I just thought of something, too. [Packer looks at Miller] Miller: What? Humphrey: Okay, now remember when Swan was building that snowman? Miners: [murmuring] Yeah Humphrey: How the hell did he make that tapping sound with his feet? Noon: You just now thought of that? Humphrey: It's pretty fuckin' weird, isn't it? [Bell lunges at him and takes him down.] Bell: Goddamnit, you fuckin' moron! [throws punches at him] Noon: You know, Packer, because of you I am never gonna get laid! Packer: [narrating] Bell's infected leg had finally gotten so bad that he was losing his shpadoinkle. [Humphrey manages to escape, and Bell goes after him into the distance] Noon: I'll never get to do it doggy-style. [begins to cry] Never... Packer: [narrating] Everybody was, including me. I kept thinking about Liane with that dirty trapper. I knew she'd never let anyone ride her but me, so, all could think about was her poor little, broken heart waiting for me to come home. And then I vowed to myself that no matter what, I wouldn't let that

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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happen. [Miller taps Noon on the shoulder. Noon turns around and buries his head on Miller's chest] That no matter what, I was gonna make it. I knew the first step was to ...get the men's spirits back up like Swan would have done. [Humphrey returns with Bell fast on his heels. Bell knocks him over again. Miller and Noon break the embrace. Packer whispers something to Miller, who then leafs through his inner coat pocket and pulls out some small scissors] Miller: Here you go. [hands them to Packer] Humphrey: [to Bell] Dude, be cool! Packer: Okay. [turns around and fiddles with the scissors] Bell: ...Get off! Noon: ...I'll never get a blow job... Humphrey: Come on, dude, be cool! Packer: [turns around. His moustache is gone] You guys, look. Abe Lincoln. [Bell stops beating up on Humphrey and looks] Humphrey: Abe Lincoln?! [lunges at Packer and takes him down. Miller just shakes his head] Act 5 Scene 3 [Morning, a new day. The sun is out. The Miners sit at another campfire. All of them are beat up, haggard, and quite tired] Miller: [slowly, taking his time] You know, it's funny. When we started out on this trip, all I wanted was to be rich. But now, just some food, some warmth. That's all I'm askin' for. Miners: [barely able to sing] That's all we're askin' for. That's all we're askin' for. Forget our piece of pie, we just don't wanna die. We've had some rotten luck. We can't take it anymore. We don't care if we're forever poor. That's all___ we're as___ kin'___ for. [the men collapse on the floor] Humphrey: So... cold. [pause] Can't move... Can't feel... Can't make complete sentences... We have to eat something Miller: [lifts his head up.]Mmmaybe we should sacrifice somebody. Noon: He's right. If one of us dies, the others can live. Humphrey: [pointing] It should be Bell. He killed Swan. It's only fair. Noon: I agree. [Humphrey, Noon, and Miller move towards Bell] Bell: You should kill him! [motions to Packer] He's the one that got us into this. [Humphrey, Noon, and Miller move towards Packer hungrily]. Packer, Heavenly Father would want you to sacrifice your life to save those of your friends. Packer: Who? Bell: You. Packer: ...What? Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Uh... we're almost up over this last ridge. We can probably see a long ways from there. Bell: We can't do it, Packer. We can't even stand up.

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Packer: [rises and moves off] I'll go. You guys just watch the fire. [turns and walks a few feet, then looks back] And nobody eat anybody! [turns and moves, looks back, then exits. The others are left, looking over each other silently]. Act 5 Scene 4 [Same campfire, a couple of hours later. Packer returns. Noon's body lies face down, a rock bag over his head. Miller lies on his back, blood staining his hair. Humphrey lying on his back with his lower left leg missing and an axe next to the stump] Packer: Okay you guys. I was wrong about the ridge. But- [stops in his tracks and looks around] What are you guys doing? [no answer. Bell enters behind Packer hauling some firewood] Bell: Yeah, they were gonna kill me. After you left, they attacked me. So I had to defend myself. [walks to the fire and drops the wood beside it] Well, looks like it's survival of the strongest, eh Packer? Maybe it's for the best. I mean, now we have enough meat to last us for weeks. Hell, we may even make it till summer! Ha, yessir! The Lord works in mysterious ways. We can... we could say we lost these boys. Bury the bodies and... no one will ever know! I can... open my church and you can build your ranch. Packer: I don't know, I, I think we should probably just go tell somebody, you know? I mean, I mean, if it was in self-defence, they won't careBell: Don't be stupid, man! Nobody'll believe this. Don't forget, you ate Swan too for Christ's sake. Packer: I don't see how Christ would benefit from me eating Swan... Bell: If anybody finds out about ANY of this, they'll hang us BOTH! Packer: Why? You killed them. Bell: That's NOT HOW I REMEMBER IT!! And I'm not about to let some ignorant POKE RUIN MY CHANCE AT BECOMING A PRIEST!! Packer: You know what, Bell? You're a bad, bad Mormon. I think you've really lost it. And, and I, I don't think you killed in- in self-defence either! I think you just ...killed them! And I'm telling! [They both reach for knives] Bell: You're not telling anybody anything EVER AGAIN! [Packer chops at Bell with the butcher knife, which stays on Bell's face. Bell staggers away] Children... [falls forward face first. Packer turns away and drops to his knees. Bell rises up a few second later screaming. Packer fumbles around and finds a pistol, then takes it and shoots Bell with it. Bell drops back on his knees, his back arching. Packer slowly walks up and tentatively pokes Bell with the butcher knife's handle a couple of times. Nothing happens. Packer goes to poke once more... Bell suddenly sits up] AAAAHH!! Packer: AAAAHH! [takes the knife and stabs it into Bell. Bell falls back to the ground. Packer moves away and turns around, and sings] Why do I[senses something behind him] Bell: AAAAHH! [stands ready to hug Packer. Packer ducks out of the way] Packer: AAAAHH! [moves towards the fire and the supplies and throws whatever he finds at Bell] Bell: [speaks incoherently for a while, then] I'll get you Packer- [Packer finds a

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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large pickaxe and swings it into Bell's chest. Bell staggers back but takes a long time in falling down. One final convulsion and Bell falls silent. The pickaxe has pinned Bell to the tree at his back. Packer approaches gingerly. He makes like he's running away, but Bell doesn't move. Packer tiptoes a bit, but Bell doesn't move. Packer draws closer, slowly, then relaxes and turns away. He jerks his head around and checks for a reaction. Nothing. Packer exits] Packer: [Narrating] The snow storms didn't let up, so... I stayed in that camp for weeks, living off the bodies of the others. I knew right then no one would believe what happened. Act 5 Scene 5 [Saguache, Colorado, 1874. Packer exits a barber shop. The Sheriff (Saguache) appears on the wooden sidewalk behnd him, apparently waiting for him.] Packer: [Narrating] I made my way to an Indian agency and... and they just fixed me up and sent me to the next town. I told everyone that I didn't know where the others were, that I'd lost them. But,... then... Sheriff Alferd Packer? [Packer turns around and looks. The Sheriff approaches] (Saguache): I'm the sheriff of Saguache. Some people are uh... gettin' mighty suspicious of ya. Packer: Me? Sheriff: Boy, where did you say you were from again? Packer: Utah. Sheriff: Oh. I'm sorry... Well, the rest of your party hasn't shown up yet. Packer: Well, yeah. Sheriff : Well... I'm gonna put together a search party, and I'd like you to come along, show us where you last saw 'em. Packer: I can't. See, I have to get back to Utah and try to find mySheriff: Back to Utah?? What if those people are still up there strugglin' for their lives? Packer: Okay, I'll, I'll go Sheriff: All right. Meet me in my office at sunrise. You know what they say about sunrise... [looks at Packer for a long time, then leaves. The Trappers enter, Cabazon riding Liane, and walk up to Packer.] Packer: Liane! Cabazon: Heheh, don't you look sharp. Whatcha doin' here in Saguache? I thought you were headin' to Breckenridge. Packer: This is my horse. Cabazon: Heheh, she just followed me here. Packer: [displaced] She's letting you ride her. Come'ere, girl. [Cabazon laughs, then taps his friends to do the same.] Cabazon: Tell you what. Give you eight dollars for her. Packer: [wistfully] Keep your money. [turns around and walks into the saloon] Packer: [narrating] At that moment I realized Liane hadn't been stolen. She'd left me. [Cabazonn turns Liane around and rides off with Nutter and

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Loutzenheizer following] For him. Act 5 Scene 6 [The saloon at night, filled with Chorus having a good time. A Pianist plays tunes from the play. Packer is at the bar with a drink. The Trappers approach him] Cabazon: So, they tell me you lost the rest of your party. Kinda misplaced them, didja? Now you're just kinda hangin' back, havin' a little drinkie-poo, huh? Packer: I'm not havin' a drinkie-poo. Leave me alone. Cabazon: Not only did I get here two months ahead of you, Packer, but I came back with everyone I started with. [the trappers laugh at him and walk away. Packer could not let this humiliation go unanswered] Packer: [challenging] Tell me something, Frenchy? How does it feel to be riding my horse? Cabazon: Come off it, Packer. Everyone in this town has ridden your horse! [Packer punches him] You're gonna pay for that, digger. [Sheriff enters, drunk] Sheriff: Packer! [realizes he's pointing at the wrong person and adjusts his aim] Packer! You lied to me. They found the bodies up on Slumgullion Pass. They were eaten. I'm taking you downtown! Cannibal! [The Cyclops enters from across the bar and grabs Packer on the shoulder] Cyclops: You little bastard! Now you must die! [pushes Packer into a bar patron] Goddamn cannibal Yankee! [grabs him and tosses him through the air] Packer: Whoa mama! [Everyone beats Packer] Okay, wait wait- [Nutter punches him three times] Ow! Okay. Oh! That's gonna hurt. Ooof. [Packer staggers into the piano. The pianist attacks then tosses him back] Now wait you guys. I can explain every- [everyone crowds in on him] Ohhh... Cabazon: NOW WAIT!! [everyone stops and backs off] He's mine! Now I'm gonna show you a good trapper beatin'. [throws punches at him. Packer lands on the piano, he notices from behind the piano the Chief appears] Chief: "Remember what you learned, Packer. Don't be such a wimp. Use the hamster style!" [Packer rises with determination as the Chief disappears] Packer: Dirty so-and-so horsey-snatching little- [kicks Cabazon down] Cyclops: Jinkies. [Cabazon gathers himself and slowly rises. He then draws his large knife and approaches Packer. Packer kicks the knife away, then kicks Cabazon in the groin, throws quick punches at it, gives it a head-butt, delivers more punches, a kick, and a few more punches. Cabazon looks dazed and falls forward. The sheriff steps forward.] Packer: [quickly retrieves Cabazon's body and holds it up] Okay, okay. Nobody, nobody move, or else... [grabs Cabazon's head so the neck is exposed] I'll eat this guy right in front of you! Cabazon: [falsetto] He's serious man! Don't move! Sheriff: [drunk] He is a cannibal! [Packer drops Cabazon and runs outside] Cabazon: [falsetto] Well don't just stand there! Go get him! Sheriff: Let's get him! [everyone chases Packer out of the bar, all exit, but Packer runs back on stage and is stopped by Liane's presence. He looks at her for a moment. She slowly turns away, so Packer runs off.]

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Act 6 Scene 1 [Lake City Sheriff's office. Packer is almost finished with his dollhouse, and also with telling his story to Pry] Packer: And I ran and I ran and I ran just as, just as fast as I possibly could. Pry: But... You made it to Weston-super-mare, right? Packer: Yeah, but... I would have been better off just letting those people catch me and kill me. Pry: Why? Packer: You ever been to Weston? [video of Packer in Weston] It was horrible. I managed to hide out there for a while but they caught up with me, brought me back, and now I don't know what's gonna happen. Pry: That sounds horrible! Packer: It was. Pry: You'll be fine, I promise. And I'll be with you the whole time. You'll see, Alferd. There won't be a hanging day. Packer: [softly, heartfelt] You have made me feel better... You know, I think maybe there is hope. Act 6 Scene 2 [Hanging Day, outside the Lake City Courthouse. The Sheriff watches as Mills, holds court before a large crowd of Chorus, including the Trappers] Mills: I know that today will be a day that goes down in history as a day in which justice was truly served! Now, let's hang the bastard! Crowd: Yeah! [the crowd cheers, then the Guard enters, escorting Packer to the gallows] Guard: Come on, Packer. It's time for the show. Packer: Wait. Did you see that lady that's been around here? Guard: Polly Pry? She went back to Denver. Packer: Denver? Guard: Yeah. She worked for the Denver Post. Didn't you know that? [chuckles] Douchebag. [Packer stares off into space] Sheriff: Hang the bastard, hang him high. Hoist his body to the sky. It's as nice as a day can be. Mills: Won't you come to the hanging with me? [the crowd cheers] Crowd: [singing and dancing] Hang the bastard, hang him high. Hoist his body to the sky. It's as nice as a day can be. Won't you come to the hanging with me? Hang the bastard, hang him well. Send his sorry soul to hell When his neck bones snap, we'll know that the cannibal won't be killing anymore Man In Barrel: [pops out] His face will turn red, then purple, then blue! [The guard secures the noose. The trappers sit on a roof nearby] Nutter: We'll watch from up here to get a good view.

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Cabazon: [falsetto]And when his eye bug out we'll know it's the end of him and the end of the show! Crowd: So, hang the bastard, hang him with cheer. We'll make some hot dogs and drink a few beers And when his tongue rolls out we'll know it's the end of the show and we all can go home. Men: But not till we hang the bastard, hang him here. The most exciting thing this town has seen in years When his body stops jerking we'll know Women: It's the end of him. Men: It's the end of him. Women: It's the end of him Crowd: [Packer is now at the gallows and the noose goes around his neck] And the end of the show! Soloist: Cowbell solo! [begins banging a cowbell] Crowd: Sooooo, Hang the bastard, hang him high. Kiss his guilty butt good-bye! It's as nice as a day can be. Won't you come to the hanging with me? Cabazon: His vains will pop out all over his head! Loutzenheizer: We'll tickle his armpits to make sure he's dead! And when his tongue rolls out we'll know it's the end of him and we all can go home. Crowd: [slowly] But___ not___ till___ we___ Hang the bastard, hang him high. Hoist his body to the sky. And when his body stops jerking we'll know [The people jerk around like they're being hanged, then sustain the last word] Nutter: It's the end of him Mills: It's the end of him Sheriff: It's the end of him Crowd: And the end of the show! Hooray! Sheriff: Alferd Packer, do you have any last words? Packer: Yes I do. Crowd: Awwww! Sheriff: Right. Make it snappy. Packer: Probably the most important thing is that when things... get really bad, and the world looks its darkest, you just have to throw up your hands and say "well, all right!" 'Cause it's probably gonna get a whole hell of a lot worse. Sheriff: Jolly good speech! Now, let's get on with the hanging! Crowd: Hooray!! Sheriff: [dramatically] Release the floor! [a drummer begins a drum roll, the guard grabs the lever] Packer: Shpadoinkle! Pry: WAIT!! [everyone turns to see Pry with a document in her hand] WAIT!! [the crowd makes way for her] Move it! [she rushes up to the gallows, then shows her document to the Sheriff] Wait! This... is a stay of execution ordered by the Governor! Sheriff: What?! Why?! [the people begin to chatter. Polly Pry turns to address them]

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Pry: The events that this man is being hung for took place before Colorado was made into a state. This was all Ute Indian Reservation. Packer cannot legally be tried under state law. Crowd: AWWWW!! Mills: I'm afraid you're out of line, Miss Pry! Pry: No, Mr. Mills, it's you who's out of line, since you knew about this the entire trial! Crowd: Ooooooo! A woman: Asshole! Mills: Polly, why are you doing this? Pry: Because I've learned something today, about helping people instead of manipulating them. Packer: Does this mean I'm not gonna die today? Pry: Yes. [happily] Yes, Alferd, it does. Packer: Well why did you go to all this trouble? Pry: Do you wanna know why? Packer: Yes. Pry: Your eyes, your smile, make my little life worthwhile There's nowhere I'd rather be, if you were on top of-[Cabazon charges up the steps, and removes the executioner] Cabazon: [falsetto] What the hell do you think you're doing here, lady?! These people came to see some good violence, and by golly, they're gonna get some! Crowd: YEAH!! Cabazon: Die, cheezmo! [pulls the lever and Packer drops through the open floor. The chief runs in with a sword and chops through the noose. Packer falls down. Cabazon faces him] Hey, you can't do that, Jerky! Chief: You're a bad, bad person! YAAA!! [swings his sword, kills Cabazon. The people gasp, pause then cheer, then exit amid chatter] Packer: Chief! How did you get here? Chief: [points to Liane, as she enters] Oh, your friend told me you needed help. Packer: [in amazement] Liane? Pry: I found her for ya, Alferd. Packer: Here girl! [Liane turns her back on him and farts] Pry: I'll go get her. Packer: No. I don't need her anymore. Hey Chief, you want a horse? Chief: You don't want the horse? Packer: No. I think I know what I want now. [reaches out and takes Polly's hands in his. The Chief draws his sword and leaves the gallows, Liane exits and the Chief follows] Someone who really cares about me. Pry: [thrilled] There's an appeal case to work on, Alferd. I have to go back to Denver, but I'll be back up here tomorrow. [a horse's neigh is heard, then a chop] Packer: Gosh, how can I ever repay you? Pry: [gushing] You already have, Packer. You already have! Packer: God bless us, everyone. Pry: The sky is blue, and all the leaves are green.

Cannibal! The Musical - UWE Drama Society - Adaptation by Peter Kimball-Evans - Produced by Monty Kimball-Evans Additional content from the cast

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Packer: My heart's as full as a baked potato. Packer, Pry: I'm sure you know exactly what I mean When I say it's a shpadoinkle day! [Packer and Pry finally kiss, passionately] Crowd: When we say it's a shpadoin___kle___ day______! Narrator: DUE TO THE CONTINUED EFFORTS OF POLLY PRY, ALFERD PACKER WAS EVENTUALLY RELEASED FROM PRISON IN 1901 [Packer and Pry gaze into each other's eyes, suddenly the mutilated Bell joins them] Bell: AAAAAAAAAA!! Packer, Pry: AAAAAAAAAA!! [The End.]

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