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By nas a shastri Tuesday 29th, September 2009 Share jokes Print Forward Bathtub Test During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.' 'Well,' said the Director, 'We fill up a bathtub, and then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 'No.' Said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug. Well... Would you prefer a bed near the window?'
By mistake amputated
Monday 21st, September 2009 Share jokes Print Forward In a big commercial Hospital, the Doctor goes to a patient in the post surgical ward tells: I hava one good news and a bad news for you, tell me which one you want to hear first ? Patient with lot of curiosity says Doctor first tell me what is the bad news ? Doctor says : We are very sorry that by mistake we have amputed your right leg instead of your problamatic left leg. Ooh god " tell me what is the good news ? patient asks doctor with lot of anxiety. Doctor with a smile on his face coolly tells: On further investigations on your leg problem, it is found that your left leg doesn't require amputation and it is perfectly alright. Patient goes mad........hhee...hheee...hheeeee
Smart Doctor and His Treatment
By karan Dahia Monday 10th, August 2009 Share jokes Print Forward A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
Do not stick with one job for a long time!
Thursday 17th, September 2009
Share jokes Print Forward A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the hell out of me!". The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for last 25 years...
MORAL: Do not stick with one job for a long time!
When u became angry
Wednesday 12th, August 2009 Share jokes Print Forward A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
The Beautiful and a Bungler
By megha hbrao Thursday 03rd, September 2009 Share jokes Print Forward This morning on the freeway to work, I looked over to my left and there was A beautiful Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked just away For a couple seconds! And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane With flashing signal, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare that easy. But she scared the hell out of me That I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked The breakfast of donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, it knocked My cell phone Away from my ear which fell Into the coffee Between my legs, Splashed, and burned My pride big Jim and the twins balls, Ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants, And disconnected an important business call.
Never trust anybody !
By karan Dahia Monday 10th, August 2009 Share jokes Print Forward A burglar decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."
Reducing the Phone Bils
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting... on a Saturday morning... after breakfast... Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office. Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone. Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile. Maid: So - what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !
Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball inspector
By megha hbrao Thursday 03rd, September 2009 Share jokes Print Forward I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences. "If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."
Pain of a married man!!!!!
Monday 05th, October 2009 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"
The whole audience started laughing
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced : 'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.' The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . But not the poor Groom ! ! !
By Mr. Sarath De Silva
Tuesday 18th, August 2009 Share jokes Print Forward Once upon a time leadership mattered, now dealership rules the world. ********* Once upon a time quality was craftsman's pride, now it is a departmental mess. ********* Once upon a time mouse was an untouchable mammal, now it is handheld pest. ********* Once upon a time wisdom was cultivated by wise people, now it is flashed on T-shirts. ********* Once upon a time teacher taught and students learned, now teacher trade and students consume. ********* Once upon a time population was a problem, now it is a flourishing mass market. ********* Once upon a time competition brought out the best, now it brings out the worst in people. ********* Once upon a time there was a golden rule, now if you have gold, you rule. ********* Once upon a time truth telling was good for your soul, now it is bad for promotion. ********* Once upon a time success meant living by ideals, now it is about using above all principles. ********* Once upon a time beauty was in the eye of the beholder, now it is booming business. ********* Once upon a time the government was clean and s** was dirty, now one doesn't know.
I Quit Drinking
This particular joke won an award for the best joke competition Organized in Britain: A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.” The man replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I’m here in London. When they left home, we promised that we’ll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.” The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs.... “Oh, no,” he, said, “Everyone’s fine - both my brothers are alive”. The only thing is I just quit drinking...!!!
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