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Volume DCLXVI, No. 66 March 19, 2008 75 cents
Long dead literary figures rise from the grave and feast upon the flesh of living
souls all across America in a grim protest of society’s illiteracy – this is the ...

Night of the
The Love of Craft
By H.P. Lovecraft
In welcome of our
Literati Dead
zombie overlords
I was treated to a unique sight
upon looking out my window this
misty morning.
There, shuffling across the
dewy grass, was a creature.
It was an interesting creature,
indeed; its arms splayed in front of its
chest and its grotesque maw open in
a perpetual moan, it trudged forward
with a desperate need propelling it.
The creature was not alone.
There were also people running
from it in terror, fearful they would
be the next morsel in evil’s meal.
I, for one, welcome this.
I am not unfamiliar with the
desire driving these foulest of
creatures. When I was raised from
the dead many years ago, my first All photos by Frank West/Tribune California
action was to devour the brain These are the first victims of the “Zombie Literati,” a group of deceased literary figures who have risen from the dead to seek vengeance upon the living for the disturbing wave
matter of the man who breathed life of illiteracy in society. The M.O. of the renegade authors is to bite everyday people and turn them into mindless zombies, exposing their idiocy to the world. (Below, left) Actor
into my still corpse once more. Bruce Campbell is one of many celebrity freedom fighters combating the zombie horde. (Below, right) Richard Matheson, author of “I Am Legend,” has bit more than 500 people.
It was unavoidable. There was
no choice in my mind but to give in By Frank West of “I Am Legend” who has bit more
Staff Writer than 500 people after being trans- NEW VIEW: Kurt Vonnegut,
to my unruly passions.

I ate his brain, and it was formed into a zombie by a hungry writer of “Slaughterhouse-Five,”
delicious. t has been established that au- Robert Bloch. “It’s a living meta- develops a cult following of a
This, like that unfortunate event, thors who have recently died phor. Too bad you didn’t study those different sort. Page A3
is also unavoidable. The recent rash have been returning to life and harder in high school, idiot!”
of attacks by the undead will be a committing acts of murder. The legion of zombie novelists town. “You see this? This … is my
seminal event in human history – A widespread investigation of includes such famous horror and boomstick!”
it shall be the only time the human funeral homes, morgues and hospi- suspense scribes as Edgar Allan Poe, He raised a large shotgun to the
race has mattered even a trifle on the tals has concluded that the unburied Shirley Jackson and R.L. Stine. sky. It glistened with light from the
cosmic scale. dead have been returning to life and Other writers who are less sun, eliciting a gasp from the audi-
What have we, as humans, seeking human victims. known for their tales of the super- ence.
ever done that has mattered in the “Please do not panic,” said La natural have also been recruited into “Hail to the king, baby,” said
universe? Puente Mayor Louie A. Lujan be- the Zombie Literati, including Syl- Campbell before he shot the zom-
We have yet to make contact fore he was torn apart by vicious via Plath and James Thurber, whose bies through their heads and splat-
with extraterrestrial beings. zombies. “Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghh- career took a swift downturn when tering their brains, destroying them.
We have yet to construct means hhhh!!!!” he released a sequel to his famous The coalition of Hollywood
of interstellar travel that could The initial wave of zombies short story “The Secret Life of Wal- horror’s finest is quickly coalesc-
feasibly take people beyond Mars lurched through Southern California ter Mitty,” in which Mitty becomes ing into an army large enough to
and back. March 12 and have been spreading trapped in a voodoo fantasy world rival the ever-growing horde of evil currently in their employ, theorizes
We cannot even populate planets across the United States since then. and devours his domineering wife. captained by the Zombie Literati. that unnaturally bookish radiation
other than our cold, miserable It was not known until recently that The Zombie Literati has trans- The Braindead received a big boost emanating from a Venus space probe
Earth. the first zombies were a group of lit- formed an estimated 30,000 people when George A. Romero, director that exploded in the Earth’s atmo-
Our history amounts to little erary figures who had risen from the into soulless seekers of living flesh of “Night of the Living Dead” and sphere is the cause of the events.
more than petty navel-gazing. grave to seek vengeance upon the and brains, according to the most “Dawn of the Dead,” agreed to join “Or maybe it is a biological dis-
Even the reasoning behind living. recent government statistics. There the cause and donated a large chunk ease that affects people only post-
the zombie attacks is of little This faction of undead writ- are no indications that those num- of his personal collection of zom- mortem,” said Logan. “Or a mon-
importance. Undead authors wish to ers named themselves the “Zombie bers will slow down any time soon, and they’re here to chew bubblegum bies, which he uses as extras in his key could have bit someone. Hell, I
punish the populace for its collective Literati” and have declared war on White House officials said. and kick ass. horror films. don’t know. I just want a nice zom-
entropy of the mind – it will do no what they see as a society of illit- But they are no longer being And they’re all out of bubble- Besides spreading bucketloads bie pet.”
good. Ignorance and illiteracy is erates, said zombie leader Richard met with feeble resistance like they gum. of gore across the country, the top However, top leaders in the
unfortunately a common affliction Matheson in a news conference were when their attack began. “All right, you primitive scre- priority for the Braindead is to fig- Zombie Literati scoff wildly at the
among the masses. Tuesday. A group of Hollywood actors wheads, listen up,” said actor Bruce ure out how the zombie authors Braindead efforts. They say every-
However, there is reason to see a “Our battle will turn the citi- and directors have sworn to fight Campbell to a group of zombies rose from the dead in the first place thing Hollywood can do is in vain
bright side to this madness: Namely, zens of this planet into the mindless, back against the zombie horde and he and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper had so that the knowledge can be used because they have tapped a market
creatures beyond description are groaning creatures they already are restore peace to our blessed planet. captured and were displaying dur- against them.
infesting our everyday lives. The in spirit,” said Matheson, the author They call themselves the Braindead, ing another press conference across Dr. Logan, the best scientist See DEAD, p. 3
unspeakable has dared to tread
where we constantly speak.
In other words, it is beginning.
The Old Ones are coming.
Yes, it seems a lofty leap to
Lords of the damned can’t believe it’s not blood
Hungry vampires turn adjusting the sunglasses on his face to Helsing. He believes that as
make, but there can be no other so that sunlight wouldn’t blind him. scientists learn more about how
explanation for what we are seeing. to name-brand plasma “Imagine, a vampire dying from vampires function, the companies
The dimensions of our existence are due to high amounts hunger like a common human!” producing the blood will be able
beginning to break and shift; the However, Vamps, 42, hasn’t to better tailor it to the needs of the
weird is seeping into the normal. of cholesterol in their
stopped drinking blood. On the vampire.
The Elder Gods are finally normal food supply contrary, he now drinks more blood “We need to conduct more
ready to break free of their prisons than ever. research,” said Helsing. “It is
and take the land they abandoned Vamps is one of thousands of imperative we know as much about
By Count Orlock
vigintillions of years ago. They vampires who have flocked en masse the vampire as possible!”
Staff Writer
are prepared to rule our chaotic, to name-brand blood substitutes However, the movement toward
meaningless lives with the cold, that replicate the properties and healthier forms of blood is not
Randall Vamps has given up on
steel order of the universe. nutritional value of human blood so without some controversy among
human beings.
There is only one way in which closely that 99 percent of vampires vampires. Some vampire advocacy
He has sucked blood from a
we as a race of rational beings must cannot tell the difference, according groups have accused BloodCo
paltry five people in the last ten years.
react to this turn of events. to a study conducted by Dr. A.V. of hiding information about the
The dark rumors that surrounded
We must not stand in fear of Helsing of the Vampire Institute. bloodmaking process.
his apartment for two decades have
this. Instead, we must welcome “It is extraordinary,” said Sir Francis Varney, president of
faded to a forgotten whisper.
it with open arms – we must first Helsing. “They cannot believe Otto von Chriek/Tribune California the Vampire Consumer Advocates
For many years, he only drank
embrace our zombie overlords in they’re not actually drinking human Health-conscious vampires such as Steve von Bloodsucker, 28, want of America, has been a stern critic
human blood when he had no other
greeting and then further promise to blood.” to find nutritious alternatives to cholesterol-addled blood in society. of BloodCo’s policy of not revealing
alternative, because the heightened
serve the Old Ones to the fullest of These “plasma substitutes,” enjoying the benefits of this faux now? Disgusting!” any information about their blood
amount of cholesterol infresting
our capacity once they fully grasp as they are referred to when sold blood ever since its conception. There are other benefits to the aside from positive public relations
human blood in the last few decades
our puny planet deep within the in stores, were created five years “I like that it gives me all replicant blood that researchers are spin.
have wreaked havoc upon the health
forsaken interior of their vacuous ago by the new giant of the healthy the nutritional benefits of human just now discovering. One of these “Seriously, are you kidding
of many vampires, turning them
maws. blood industry, BloodCo. The blood without making me bloated is a reaction to the unique internal me?” said Varney. “They’ve put this
into fat, flabby shells of their former
Only then can we survive the blood was concocted via an intense and disgusting,” said Steve von system of the vampire that flushes blood for sale in stores even though
madness. process involving animal sacrifice, Bloodsucker, 28, a trendy vampire out toxins adversely affecting the they barely know anything about
Normally a vampire with such
I hope you all make the correct black magic and tofu, according to who has become one of the leading vampire, such as remains of garlic its effect on the vampiric system.
a severe diet would lose most of its
choice. an anonymous source within the green vampires. “Regular blood and holy water. That’s idiocy!
power due to malnutrition.
H.P. Lovecraft is a contributing “Sometimes I thought I might company. is just too gross for me. Can you Vampires have always been an “There are serious side effects
columnist to The Tribune California. actually die,” said Vamps, carefully Some vampires have been imagine trying to live off that junk underresearched creature, according See BLOOD, p. 2

Actor Kevin McCarthy, famous for his role in Comic book writer Robert Kirkman says his Dr. Death profiles director George A. Romero,
“Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” has proof of “Walking Dead” series holds the key to holding who joined the fraternity of Hollywood stars
the film’s truth. NEWS, Page A5 off the zombie horde. LIFESTYLE, Page E1 fighting the zombie war. SPECIAL, Page C4
A2 The Tribune California March 19, 2008

‘Necronomicon’ on display at Louvre

By John Dee our museum,” said Henri Loyrette, people like to see for a few weeks until Sept. 22, which is when the
Staff Writer director of the Louvre. “This will before getting bored and moving on evil aura of the book is expected to
go well with our Bosch collection. to the next stupid fad. have driven those who work at the
A copy of the “Mad Arab” Bunch of freaky drawings, those “It’ll be even bigger than when Louvre to their breaking points.
Abdul Alhazred’s “Necronomicon,” are.” ‘The Da Vinci Code’ brought in The book will then be moved
the famed “Book of the Dead,” was Only five copies of the the illiterate douchebag set,” said to the British Museum, where it will
found in the ruins of an ancient “Necronomicon” were thought to Sweatmonger. “These are some real be put on display with another copy
city and is now on display at the exist before this one was found. The dorks the Louvre will have on its of the “Necronomicon,” whereupon
Louvre. hallowed tome is an account of the hands.” a great terror will envelope the
The relic was uncovered Old Ones – supernatural gods that It is unknown what the Old Ones London area.
deep in the rubble of a mysterious ruled the cosmos – their history and think about their book being put on Loyrette has no sympathy
underground city in the Middle East means of summoning them to spread display in a museum. Cthulhu, one regarding the absolute terror that
by a traveler who wishes to remain horrors untold across the universe. of the Old Ones mentioned in the shall befall the British Museum.
anonymous for fear of retribution This addition to the famed Paris “Necronomicon,” could not be “Sucks to be them,” said
from the ancient cult that built the museum will increase its patronage reached for comment because it Loyrette, smirking.
halls of the damned. from geeky cult members who drove a reporter to madness. Courtesy of The Louvre
“We are very excited to have have no lives, according to Francis The “Necronomicon” will Reach John Dee by e-mail at The Louvre found the only existing copy of the famed “Book of the
this fabulous treasure on display at Sweatmonger, an expert in things remain on display at the Louvre Dead,” written by the “Mad Arab” Abdul Alhazred circa 730 A.D.

Vampires seek healthy blood but are wary of BloodCo

BLOOD continued from p. 1 Varney said this causes some as if BloodCo wanted to make a few their permission,” said Meyers. “Do methodology of his studies. He has “It’s interesting that [Helsing]
problems, though. While vampires uick bucks without thinking of the you know how much that would only made public his method of doesn’t want to inform people about
to this that should be publicized.” do drink blood warm, their natural consequences. Hmm.” cost? The bribery expidentures alone determining the 99 percent figure how he achieved his results when so
One severe side effect of the coldness drops the temperature of One other particularly sordid, would be through the roof! Wait. ... of vampires who cannot tell the many vampires are being harmed by
fake blood that has been glossed blood about as quickly as exposure as yet unsubstantiated rumor, is that I’ve been advised by my lawyer that difference between human blood the BloodCo product,” said Varney.
over is its propensity to warm up to the outside world would. BloodCo kidnaps humans and kills I am no longer to speak to you.” and BloodCo blood. “Very interesting indeed.”
vampires, according to Varney. But BloodCo’s fake blood traps them for their blood to fulfill ever BloodCo is not alone in “Are you familiar with the Helsing had only cryptic
Because the blood needs to heat for a longer period of time than larger blood quotas that can’t be met receiving unflattering accusations Pepsi Challenge?” said Helsing. “I remarks to offer in return.
be kept constantly warm to remain human blood, and it also spreads the with current production means. of wrongdoings. Helsing, a blindfolded many vampires and none “I have no bias,” said Helsing.
effective, it must be packaged in a warmth throughout the system of BloodCo CEO Roger Meyers controversial figure among the of them could taste a difference. This “And I certainly don’t want to see
special heated case that continues many vampires. The sudden burst of Jr., formerly of Itchy and Scratchy vampire community, has been is valid scientific fact!” the mongrel race of vampires die a
working for two days after a cord heat then sends vampires haywire. International, has repeatedly denied thought to have forged the results of Helsing’s refusal to publish his horrible death.”
on its side is pulled. The heat helps “It’s a travesty that this wasn’t any wrongdoing by BloodCo. his study. methodology has led many in the
simulate the warmth of human blood tested properly before going out on “We don’t kidnap people from Adding to the suspicion, vampire community to accuse him Reach Count Orlock by e-mail at
as it is drunk straight from the vein. the market,” said Varney. “It’s almost hospitals and take their blood without Helsing has refused to release the of anti-vampire bias.
March 19, 2008 The Tribune California A3

Undead authors storm city Vonnegut gains new fans

DEAD, continued from p. 1 Kurt Vonnegut was at a loss for other response.
words. He then shook hands with
the Braindead have thus far ignored The recently resurrected Cooler, who squealed with joy at
– the foreign market. author, one of many writers who the opportunity to touch the cold,
“We’ve got Bram Stoker on our have come back to life during the dead hand of a living corpse, and
side now,” said Philip K. Dick. “He’s wave of attacks by the undead, shambled off to hang out with the
not technically a zombie, but he did wasn’t confronting a mass of corpse of his friend and humanist
get bit by a vampire and had been frightened people, ready to devour colleague, Isaac Asimov.
slumbering for several generations their helpless minds. His humanist, “Those were a bizarre bunch of
before he joined the winning side. anti-war beliefs would never allow kids,” said Vonnegut. “I hope one
That has to count for something.” him to do that. of them reads a book someday.”
Despite the intense movement Neither was he at the throats of Cooler said he might have been
on both sides, though, fighting be- his fellow zombies, who continue offended if he knew what Vonnegut
tween the groups has remained at a to wage large-scale battles against was talking about.
relative standstill for the past couple all mankind in the fight against “What’s a book?” said Cooler.
of days. illiteracy. “Is that, like, zombie code for brains
Experts say this is a bad sign for Frank West/Tribune California No, Vonnegut, the famous and pus and stuff? I wonder if he
the Zombie Literati, which has been Zombies threaten to spread as far as England, infesting their movies. author of such novels as
Courtesy of the Vonnegut family
had maggots in his hair.”
plagued by in-fighting among the “Slaughterhouse-Five” and “Cat’s
Kurt Vonnegut is a hero to a new
When told about some of
idiots who can’t read. In the worst how to read if we don’t teach them
literary elite and the more common Cradle,” was struck silent by a
generation of zombie obsessees.
Vonnegut’s novels, a flash of
case scenario, we turn everyone into how to do so?” said an irritated
writers, according to anonymous group of people he knew all too though scientists speculate it has recognition formed in the eyes of
zombies and are left with no more Matheson. “Ugh, I seriously need
sources high within the evil army. well when he walked among the something to do with nuclear power one member of the group, Pansy
human flesh to feed on. some brains right now. Fetch me
“It is a common fact that elitist living – fans. and funny-looking asteroids. Poser, before disappearing after but
“I see no way we can win this.” those illiterate adults we’re keeping
snobs, or ‘douchebags’ as I believe “He is so cool now,” said Cody The Zombieguts finally met a fleeting moment.
Among all the fighting between locked up! Wait, is that recorder still
they are referred to in the current Cooler, a freshman at Cal Poly their hero Tuesday. Vonnegut “‘Player Piano,’” Poser mused
the two groups, many believe both on?”
popular lexicon, will always bully Pomona and leader of a newly- gave a speech at Cal Poly Pomona for a moment. “Isn’t that, like, one
have forgotten something in all the But, as always, people are en-
the ‘commoners,’ who will then be- formed Vonnegut fan club on decrying the violent depths to which of those, like, piano things that, like,
excitement – the opinion of the com- couraged to see the bright side of
come angry and make a disparaging campus. “He’s, like, all dead and his fellow authors had sunk. plays by itself at haunted houses or
mon person. tragic events. The wave of attacks
remark about the offender’s mother,” stuff. That’s awesome.” “I guess someone ate their something like that? Those things
The latest Gallup Polls indicate have allowed some resurrected au-
said Miltridge Castevet, an English The fan club, whose members brains first, so now they have to are so cool!”
65 percent of Americans are con- thors, such as Zombie Shakespeare,
professor at Georgetown University. lovingly refer to themselves as go after everyone else’s,” said Vonnegut’s renewed life has
fused about the main objective of to once again find their literary
“They simply cannot co-exist.” “Zombieguts,” was formed last Vonnegut. “What use is literacy also renewed his popularity on
the Zombie Literati. In addition, 85 voice.
Press releases from the Zom- week after Vonnegut’s corpse going to be if nobody has a mind college campuses, where his books
percent of Americans disapprove of “Brains brains brains,
bie Literati have downplayed the pulled itself from the ground and left with which to enjoy the gift?” were a staple during his days among
the Zombie Literati’s main method brains, brains, brains.
departures of high-profile figures was immediately confronted by a Cooler and his friends the living. Other novelists have
of disseminating information, which Brains, brains, BRAINS,
like Ernest Hemingway and Poppy deluge of photographers and news approached Vonnegut after the fan clubs for their undead corpses,
is to pass out fliers during protests brains, brains, brains.
Z. Brite, who is actually very much cameras. speech. They told him they were but none match the ferocity of the
for people to read. ‘Tis the noblest of the
alive but was curious about zombie Vonnegut was one of the first huge fans of his and said that he Zombieguts.
Matheson has reached his limit zombie’s many lusts,” writes
cuisine and wrote an article about it authors to come back to life in was the coolest walking corpse “We’ll totally pants the crap
with questions regarding his group’s Shakespeare in “Sonnet of Brains.”
for Chile Pepper Magazine. zombified form. The exact cause of they’d ever seen in their lives. outta those Dickers!” shouted
way of getting information to illiter-
Another troubling setback for his reanimation, and the reanimation Vonnegut simply nodded. The Cooler.
ates. Reach Frank West by e-mail at
the despots of doom is their setbacks of his peers, is still unknown, situation didn’t seem to require any – Frank West
“How are they going to learn
in domestic recruitment; the Zombie
Literati bites more people by the
day, but writers have been turning
down membership in the group left
and right.
They have stepped up their re-
cruiting efforts, but there have been
more than a few embarrassing mis-
“I’m not dead yet!” said J.D.
Salinger during an unsuccessful ex-
cursion to his Cornish, N.H. home
by the Zombie Literati. “And get the
hell off my lawn!”
While the Zombie Literati deals
with its staffing issues, some inside
the group wonder whether the group
is keeping to its original goal, or if
that goal is even feasible.
“What’s the use of fighting il-
literacy when, at this rate, there will
be nobody left in the world who can
actually read?” said one member
of the group who wished to remain
anonymous. “In the best case sce-
nario, we retain the status quo be-
cause we’ll be stuck with a bunch of