21 I sphincter, therefore I am Look at me, then.

I’m a broken man with a mind that attacks me as much as it support me; a wretch, a no-one who has contributed little to this world, not martyr, nor antagonist nor navel-gazer. Just a simple insignificant human being, as hypocritical and imperfect as anyone, who cannot get everything right and is not willing to give my soul for a cause, who compulsively put myself down and repeatedly wanted to snuff myself out. This is the point. But I have a sense, as we all do, of the nobility of human nature. In its most limited selfish state. In its most humiliated state. A nobility. It is in every human being, without exception. Even in those betraying it for power, fame and domination. Shitting on their integrity. Shitting on each other – shitting on every corner of our beautiful planet and denying it, defying it, though the stench reeks in our nostrils and the stains are plain for all to see. What did the privileged squanderers ever do to deserve this position? That’s what we are doing to nobility. That is what we have done to dignity. If that is what I’ve been able to diagnose from merely scratching the surface, what is the real extent of denial? Oh, shit! Just look at this… I’ve just seen an on-line advertisement for a special edition of the complete series of ‘Man From Uncle.’ I’m not a particular fan of MFU but look at the marketing. How could anyone resist? The shiny sturdy chrome case oozes quality. FORTY-ONE DVDs with the MFU logo on! Each three-disc set in radioactive, health and safety yellow, danger and classified red, trustworthy eye-spy blue and reassuring global green. Each set of three DVDs with its matching fold-out DVD case, with the MFU logo on. Not just the series but extra material. Secret documents and campaigns. Directors commentaries. And behind behind the scenes scenes. Deleted scenes that were too cover-up to air. Even a Woman from Uncle, episode! Four matching bound outer cases to protect the discs secluded in the DVD cases. An operator’s manual includes you in the team. And just look at the size of that matching glossy, two-inch thick volume on everything, everything, that went into the series. All with the MFU logo on. The craftsmanship. It’s really a work of art. And the nostalgia. Over two hundred hours of viewing and reading. Sweet sheer delusion. It’s guaranteed to make you feel eight again every time you look at it and show it to anyone. Your MFU identity card has a guilt globe on it to prove you’re a world citizen. And I can get all this for just two pieces of paper with the queen’s miserable mug on. But how can I have it without capitalism? That’s the question. Oh, well… I’ll have to deny myself that, while I chew on my 29p hotdogs that have been reformed from goodness knows what, made by illegal immigrants living fifteen to a room and employed by the biggest retailer in the world to work sixty-hour weeks for the price of this set. Or should I deny my poverty and just go for it? Brown wants us to deny that we have spent more than we could ever pay back and he says we should continue to borrow and spend more than any of us could ever want or need in a lifetime. Apparently, you can blow out an oil fire using dynamite. He obviously wants the biggest balls and the biggest penis in the urinals. Any confident, contented man around the world knows, the size and shape argument is totally out of his hands. It is completely dependent upon the one he wishes to satisfy. His sole ambition is to be the world’s greatest lover. Fuck frugality and modesty, that’s no fun. When you want to fuck the whole world, you’ve got to be a genuine nymphomaniac and we know, they’re never satisfied. “Liquidity or demand, liquidity or demand; funnel funnel funnel, push push push, mince mince mince, grind grind grind,” is the only language these rapists know, because they just cannot get out of bed. More consumerism, more deforestation, more demand on fossil fuels – more floods, more extinct species, but it’ll keep the wheels of commerce turning and as we have seen, that’s what makes the world go round. We might just as well have Jeremy Clarkson at the wheel. I detected his customary air of sardonic distain when he said, after being asked if he was for conservation, “The planet is more than capable of taking care of itself.” And I agree. But Jeremy has

Four Jammie-dodgers Saved My Life Today (how to NOT kill yourself) Chapter – ‘shitting ourselves

to live up to his TV persona as one who would rather crash, spectacularly, into a wall, strapped in a Recaro bucket, than live to be a drivelling ninety-year old, trundling his way through longevity in his little Rascal scooter. There’s something to be said for it. Yeah… maybe that’s the right thinking… to reverse the current trends the thing to do is… er… push on…? “Do you wanna go faster? … I CAN’T HEAR YOU…” Even Jeremy might be a more responsible dad than his persona allows. It might dispel the myth, but contrary to all rumours, he does occasionally use mirrors and reverse. But, in capitalistic terms, forwards is definitely the new backwards. I could claw a little money back for myself with some dignity and ‘success,’ by publishing this for all to see. But I could end up with egg on my face. At least I won’t be alone. And I have less dignity than my invective suggests, so no loss there. Some might dismiss my proscenium denouncements because of it and miss the point that this auto-biography is not about me, but so what? Or I could succumb to the very appealing prospect of psychopathy. Join the line of arse-holes, because you’re either dishing it or in it. According to George Burns shitting it’s the only thing you have to look forward to when you’re grey, but I suspect he meant if you still retain any self-determination over it. Since when did affluence inhibit effluence? It can wipe it away with smear campaigns, send it underground and make a room smell better, make us smell and feel better afterwards, with velvety soft tissue, as if it never happened. But whether we cover it up or not, deny it to the hilt, we will not be able to ignore it when it hits the fan. Those who have already been in it will cope better. Deny that, at your peril. One thing I will never be able to do is deny the actions of my sphincter. I sphincter, therefore I am. Now… how’s that diagnosis of ‘mental illness’ coming along?

Copyright Adrian Kenton 2008. All rights reserved.

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