Professional Documents
Culture Documents
14 Slap My Hind With A Melon Rind, But That's My Penguin State 0' Mind April 15, 1998
Pesticide use is a particularly sensitive gram. Although the 1998 budget contains over $1
issue on Long Island, where there is much debate billion in environmental programs, there is no
about a suspected link to the region's unusually money allocated for Superfund, which is expected
high breast cancer rate."One in eight women on to run out of money in the next fiscal year.
Long Island has breast cancer," said Stebbins. "If The New York State Department of
people don't think pesticides have something to do Environmental Conservation estimates that
with that, then they need to open their eyes." approximately $2.5 billion will be needed to clean beno inae .Cll2 -64 7o
Other issues of local interest included pro- up more than 900 toxic waste dumps. But activists
By Jill Baron his mother. Troubles like those. Or troubles like After the Cold War, many people were under the
those of women in Afghanistan, who, under the impression that the struggle for human rights was
On Tuesday, April 7th, Stony Brook was rule of Islamic Militants, can have their fingers over. However, the numbers tell otherwise; in 1989,
graced with the presence of Dr. Willim Schulz, the chopped off if they are seen to be wearing rings, to the year the Berlin Wall fell, the number of coun-
executive director of Amnesty International USA. have their feet chopped off if they are seen to be tries in which political killings took place was 40;
An embarrassingly small smattering of people gath- wearing white socks. Troubles like those, or trou- the number today is 61. In 1989, the number of
ered in the SAC auditorium to hear his lecture, a fact bles like those of fifteen-year-old Tibetan monks countries that practiced torture was 96; today, it's
which beautifully illustrated one of the main points and nuns who are in jails in Tibet, simply for hav- 120. While the incidences of humar rights viola-
of the evening; most Americans don't give a shit ing demonstrated peacefully, in support of Tibetan tions have increased, America's concern for events
about human rights because it doesn't touch them. freedom, and who are tortured regularly by that occur beyond our shores has decreased. This
Dr. Schulz was introduced by Ron Sala, a Chinese guards, using electric shock batons ambivalent attitude of the general public is one of
member of the Unitarian Universalist Campus applied to the monks' and nuns' ears, and teeth, the biggest challenges that the human rights move-
Ministry, which sponsored the visit. Dr. Schulz was and genitalia. Troubles like those. That's the kind ment faces. Perhaps if Americans knew that
appointed Executive Director of Amnesty in 1994, of world we live in, and that's why Amnesty human rights violations occur here as well, their
He is also an ordained Unitarian Universalist International exists." attitudes would change. It is a common practice for
Minister, and has been involved in human rights Amnesty was founded in 1961. Today, female inmates, even at the lowest security levels,
causes for many years. From 1985 to 1993, Dr. according to Dr.Schulz, 1.1 million people world- to be sexually assaulted by male guards in our
Schulz served on the Council of the International wide are involved in efforts to free what he referred prisons. This country also has one of the worst
Association of Religious Freedom, the oldest inter- to as "prisoners of conscience." Amnesty exists police brutality records; 5% of all Americans, and
national interfaith organization in the world. He specifically to end political executions, unfair tri- 9% of all African Americans, say they have been
has also been outspoken in opposition to the death als, torture, unfair imprisonments, and executions brutalized by the police; that's 12.5 million people.
penalty, and in support of women's rights, gay and of any kind, wherever they are found around the Why don't Americans seem to care? "Americans
lesbian rights and racial justice. He has served on world. They accomplish these goals by several hate problems which they can't easily understand
the boards of People for the American Way, means; there is, of course, the letter-writing cam- or solve. Genocide, torture, massive killings; these
Planned Parenthood Federation of America, paigns, which have freed many political prisoners things never make sense," Dr. Schulz offered in
Center for the Study of Commercialism, and around the world. Amnesty also calls into account explanation. Lack of concern remains the primary
Americans United for the Separation of Church governments, including our own, and paramilitary challenge to the work of Amnesty International.
and State, among others. organizations who are inflicting terror on their pop- Dr. Schulz was an animated, eloquent
"Amnesty doesn't exist to deal with the ulations. "But fundamentally, what Amnesty does," speaker. The weak turnout was telling; I was hop-
petty difficulties of everyday life," said Dr. Schulz. says Dr. Schulz, "is tell the truth. You know, for ing that educated college students would show
"It exists to deal with troubles like those of a twelve some reason, tyrants hate the truth. No matter how some concern for an issue as vital as the rights of
year old Pakistani boy, who was sold into slavery powerful they think themselves to be, they despise fellow human beings. Unfortunately for all the vic-
at age three by his parents, branded on his left the truth. They fear it, and they flee it." tims in the world, the human rights movements
cheek when he was six, his right eye taken out Dr. Schulz went on to outline some of the can't advance much farther until we all start giving
when he was nine because he asked to return to see challenges that the human rights cause faces today. a shit.
By Chris Sorochin Treatment: Whenever I see someone who interrogation chair. You're holding a sharp instrument
looks as if they're trying one of these tricks, I head perilously close to my eyeballs and jugular. And you
I think I owe myself a little break from all the right for them, merrily chirp "Excuse me" and expect brilliant repartee as well? Psychology is part of
serious world-shaking issues that I normally devote squeeze right in, up close and personal. For full effect, your job, so after two or three laconic answers on my
precious newsprint ranting about. In the spirit of the one, or all, of the following may be a nifty accessory part, you should get the idea that I'm not here to make
"civility" campaign now gripping New York, I to make the punishment so much more infernal: cocktail party chitchat or, worse, hear about your
thought I'd take this opportunity to sound off about 1) a previously-eaten meal (one hour ahead problems. Old men's barber shops, if you can still find
some threats to a genteel and civilized society that ideal) heavy on garlic, beans or cabbage; preferably one, are the worst. Once, lured by the prospect of a
seem to have been overlooked. In other words, the all three. $4.00 cheapo cut, your intrepid author had to endure
story I was planning was postponed at the last minute 2) a really sneezy, runny cold, one where the the saga of how the lowlife psycho providingcho said
igt hv t o vr oth
due to a little problem with Internal Affairs (hint, gunk just won't stop coming. ag to have to go over to the school
hint) and I'm going to do what all writers do when in 3) heavy intoxication and "straighten out" one of those
the savage grip of Spring Winter's Block. This will be something messy (alcohol, heroii teachers who had urged him to
an article about not very much at all, a sort of Ex-Lax opium are best) allow his daughter more freedom in
for the creative fluids. I'm going to render a polemic 4) several days withou her social life. Another wizened fos-
on petty, minuscule, picayune matters-what my girl- bathing sil (the Barber from Hell) gave me a
friend, when she wants to deflate my considerable 5) a very loud walkman lecture on follicles and wanted to
ego, refers to as one of my "Alpo" or "byproduct" lock me in his shop when he was half
efforts. As a final affront, she compares me to Andy AMERICAN OBSESSION: THE- inished so he could go pick up his
Rooney and I have no choice but to withhold from her AUTOMOBILE vife! Now I patronize the Dominican
the favors of my boudoir until she comes groveling. )lace right around the corer, where
Those twisted individuals who read me on a "I'm In a Speeding Car and convenient linguistic/cultural barri-
regular basis know that some of my major dislikes are You're Not" As a pedestrian, it con- r precludes unsolicited exchanges.
war, imperialism, capitalism, bigotry and Puritanism. stantly amazes me how much hos- 11I have to do is ask for "#3" and I
Railing against all these big-time ills gets a little tility you can attract simply by Atthe freshest, phattest, flyest B-boy
wai• aion
1ing n.... roa mnang your-wn..u.ne.. U _ZLCI Li 4,- -%jLf -
TL C%i .
V/- .
monotonous and struggling against them can seem walKing along the road mlncang your own Dusmess. Uuzzcut this; sidteUo cast iNew YorK.
impossible. So let's go to the grass roots and tackle What kind of asshole thinks it's great sport to scream Analysis: Probably tortured animals as chil-
some of the little things that make life suck. In the at someone who can't possibly reply? I.once saw some dren.
frolicsome mood of spring, I hope to advance a lighter dickhead bellow at a couple of Central Americans
(if not more pleasant) tone in addressing somte public landscapers toiling away in someone's front yard. LIFESTYLE GRINCHES
nuisances for which no burdensome quality of life Quicker than you can say Quetzalcoatl, one pint-sized
statutes exists as of yet. I have no problem with jay- son of the Mayan heaved a good-sized rock that came Vegetarians Who Are Poor Guests. Listen,
walking, open containers or smoking weed in public. within inches of the phlegm-clogged cranium of the Broccoli Breath; I went to extra trouble to cook meat-
I'm an avid practitioner of all three. Here, though, are motorcycle moron. And would you believe it? He less dishes out of respect for your principles. I there-
some offenses that ought to be criminal. If you are one actually got all bent out of shape about it, twisting his for do not need to be rewarded with the experience of
of the vile hooligains wh are guilty of these trans- mug into an even more simian appearance and grunt- overhearing you, without even attempting to whis-
gressions, either reform yourself or die accursed: ing threats. per, tell another guest not to eat something else 'I
'Analysis: Beaten as children, they now need slaved over because it contains dead animals. If
HOGS an unfair advantage. Like your classic school bully, you're so damned righteous, feel free not to accept
they're basically cowards, and can only deal in terms another invitation to one of my soirees.
"The Whole Pizza Joint Revolves Around of power, not as equals. Non-Smokers Who Give a Phony Little
Me" Now, when you see that there's only one shaker Cough When They Walk By You. You've got control of
of crushed red pepper in the place, why must you "My Car Makes Noise" I'm not referring here almost all interior spaces and public facilities and still
take it to your table as if it were your own personal to those sorry rustbuckets whose owners can't afford you've got to trumpet your supposed moral superior-
property? Is it just thoughtlessness or do you crave a visit to Midas or Meineke. The yutzes I'm talking ity? Fuck you.
obliging others to come over and ask your kind per- about spend large amounts of money to make their Maybe you can come up with your own can-
mission to use it? chrome-and-custom-paint-job idols sound this way. didates for new Quality of Life Offenses. These are
Analysis: these folks are self-absorbed and The dickest part of all is when they pull out or turn a just mine, bl" you have other suggestions, send
crave attention because they were not loved enough corner with that obnoxious roar that's supposed to them along, with a copy to Rudy at Gracie Mansion.
as children. Perhaps it's because they're not very lov- impress everybody. It's like wearing a sign that says,
* * *
able in the first place. "I'm a douchebag and proud of it." Even in my night-
Treatment: Do as Overattentive Waiters (See mares, I hope to never meet up with the woman
below) do and wait until their mouths are full when who's impressed by all this. UPCOMING EVENTS
you ask them for your condiment of choice. Analysis: Small penis and mind to match.
Other Variations: Phone Hogs: Just keep on There will be a mass demonstration in front
yakking about nothing at all even though you see me "My Car is too Good to Get Scratched, So It's of the White house on Sunday, April 26, to close the
standing here waiting. That's right, now turn your Taking Up Two Parking Spaces" School of the Americas and for the early release of the
back in the hopes that I'll disappear. Analysis: Overzealous toilet training. Can't SOA 25, now languishing in various federal peniten-
Line Staller: At ticket window and food handle the fact that life is messy and nothing stays tiaries. Stony Brook campus activist Bill McNulty is
counters, these lead-assed plodders hold lengthy dis- cherry forever. Possible fear of sexuality. being denied reading material and phone calls. They
cussions about trivial matters while you stand there Treatment: Everyone carries keys. also sent him down for psychological evaluation
missing your train or watching your lunch get cold. when he put "ministry" as one of his professions.
Public Transportation Wall-Builders. ON THE JOB Monday, the 27th and Tuesday, the 28th will also be
Everyone likes to have elbow room, but some on our days of protest on the Capitol steps. There's a demon-
occasionally crowded buses and trains employ snotty Overattentive Waiters. In direct and obnox- stration at the Pentagon every Monday at the ungod-
little strategies to discourage others from sitting next ious counterpoint to the more traditional Slow and ly hour of 7 am. SOA Watch can be reached at (202)
to them. On buses, this usually takes the form of load- Surly Service are these grinning emissaries from the 234-3440. Bill would love to hear from you! Write him
ing up the adjoining seat with packages. Women are Pit. They particularly infest new enterprises and at: Bill McNulty, Prisoner #88108-020, FPC Schuykill,
the worst offenders at this, perhaps feeling they'll be those hoping to give themselves facelifts. The under- P.O. Box 670, Minnersville, Pa. 17954.
groped if some sleazy pervert sits beside them. whelming experience starts off with a big artificial
However, few to none of the women I see doing this smile an "Hi. My name is and I'll be annoying There are also rumors of a Million Marijuana
are any that I'd even remotely consider groping. the hell out of you this evening" and ends with "Do March, for the decriminalization of a benign little
On trains, there are those who sit on the end, you want your change?" Of course I do, because I plant that's very important medicinally and, used
so no one will want to climb over them to get to a seat decide what your tip will be and it's getting smaller recreationally, is much safer than some more legal
and others who sit in the middle of a three-seat configu- every time you come by to ask if everything's OK. If I favorites. The demonstration is supposed to start in
ration hoping to get all three to themselves. Others like need something, I'll look in your direction and try to Washington Square Park, which is highly appropri-
to sprawl over two or three seats or pretend to be asleep. make eye contact. You may be an aspiring performer, ate, as the Guiliani regime has recently instituted yet
Analysis: sexually abused as children and but you seem to have forgotten that your job is to be another jackboots crackdown on pot smoking in the
now fear the touch of other human beings. Or simply as unobtrusive as possible. park, to say nothing of the surveillance cameras. The
think they're too good to have to rub elbows with Haircutters Who Must Converse With You. date is Saturday, May 2 and the time will be high
someone else. OK, you've got me strapped and trapped in your noon.
W IN NER
cessful campaign if one is a serious student. When you interacted with each other. Diversity would be great if some-
actually need to attend your classes, do your assigned read- one from Vietnam hung out with Hillel and learned what a
ing, and produce some coherent writing, who has the time Passover seder was, or if some guy from a town of 100 people
to execute the ballot-box stuffing, backstabbing, and intim-
idation that are the hallmarks of any successful Polity office
holder? A real student simply can't compete, because she
doesn't have enough free time; she's actually here to get an
in western Pennsylvania learned all about the struggle of
African-Americans to achieve equality. But that happens sel-
dom if at all. Instead, we get a bunch of clannish, insular
groups getting Polity funding to hang out with each other, and
1997
CANIFTS
AUFF"R
,J()L*RN'.-k
ANNAR
education. So what do we get instead? A bunch of under- excluding everyone else. The notion that someone from out-
achieving bottom feeders who can't construct a simple side the cultural group is welcome at these functions is a myth. *RUNNER-UP: BEST
proper sentence. That's who we choose, year after year, to Try it sometime. This isn't diversity, it's divisive. As a result, we ALTERNATIVE PUBLICATION
represent us to the rest of the world. It's little wonder that have no sense of ourselves as a unified special interest, Stony
Governor Pataki thinks this school is a financial black hole Brook students. Then we wonder why Albany thinks it can SBEST SENSE OF HUMOR
when we show him people like these and say they are rep- have its way with us. Some moron with a GPA higher than (SECOND CONSECUTIVE YEAR)
resentative of our student body. their IQ and only representing a sliver of the campus commu- SHONORABLE MENTION:
Once again, we have a batch of candidates that fail nity doesn't make much of a lobbyist.c d on p
continued on page 17 REPORTING
i.
You must sign up in person for an appointment by Friday, April 25, at the
English Department office, Humanities 245. You may sign up for appointments in
any of the categories. Sponsored by Newsday and USB Career Placement Center.
- -- --
QT
1hJI~ NY
STATE UNIVERSITY OF NEW YORK
what the annual police reports may claim. Tlis is tessional indeea. Several or us naa to De nela oacK oeen rapea oy people mey mougnr rney couia
because, as I mentioned, rape largely goes unre- from attacking him, but most of us swallowed our trust. Most everyone in there was brought to tears,
ported. The victims are too embarrassed to speak anger, gave him the finger, and marched on. and I'm quite sure everyone felt the disgusted rage
TA T- I
up, and are often We then pro- I felt, knowing that what had happened to these
made to feel like ceeded through women happens to someone everyday. After the
it's their fault. Kelly Quad, last person finished speaking, the second sched-
Many women where many curi- uled speaker concluded the evening by reading a
who .have been ous people came poem from her newly published book. After she
raped don't want out onto their bal- finished, everyone milled about, offering hugs and
to go to the conies to observe words of encouragement to those who had spoken.
police for several us, on through I, like everyone else, was deeply moved by
reasons: First, Roosevelt Quad the stories I heard. I want to congratulate everyone
rape is the only and finally over to who got up and spoke. Getting up in front of a
crime in which Roth Quad, where huge group of strangers and sharing something so
the victim is we ceased march- personal takes incredible bravery. I also want to
asked to justify ing and gathered thank and congratulate everyone who attended the
their actions. in the Uniti march; events like this will help change the climate
Rape victims are Cultural Center. in our culture that allows violence against women
often asked to Cold and sopping to flourish. I know all who attended took some-
explain where wet, we sat in a thing away with them, and I hope everyone who
they were, who loose circle while reads this can take away the message as well: Yes
they were with, what they were wearing, how late candles were passed out and anticipated the most means yes and no means no. It is never the victim's
they stayed out, how much they had to drink, and difficult yet important part of the evening. The first fault, despite what the world may tell her. If this
how many sexual partners they've had. Now scheduled speaker went up to tell her story. She has happened to you, don't keep quiet about it;
imagine the same questions being posed to some- was with VIBS (the Victim's Information Bureau of please reach out for help and share your story with
one who was mugged. Victims of rape are rarely Suffolk.) She started by telling us about her daugh- others so we can prevent it from happening to any-
treated like victims. Second, women know that ter, a bright, beautiful young woman in her early one else.
mos rapists, especially in cases of date rape, are twenties. She had broken up with a guy she had
never caught or convicted. What 's the use of been seeing. This guy, however, wouldn't take no * VIBS offers programs and services to victims of
reporting it if nothing will be done? When you've for an answer. One day he showed up at her apart- domestic violence and sexual assault. Their hotline
been violated in such a grotesque way, who wants ment, tricked her into opening the door, and number,for those in need, is 516-360-3606. Their office
to go down to the police station to tell a bunch of stabbed her to death. The reason? He was angry number is 516-360-3730. Please call if you need help.
PAGE 6
· · I I· I I L I
ISSUES
i~Ra~dlFI~I~ I~iR~
By Heather Rosenow province. a first step towards reunification with the Republic
In addition to this an outline for the estab- of Ireland. These differences in opinion and politi-
Caution and cynical hope once again lishment of a North/South Council has been pro- cal goals will become very clear in the months
embody the political atmosphere surrounding the posed, where for the first time since the north of ahead, when a finite goal must be found and
circumstances in Northern Ireland, The Republic Ireland was separated from the rest of the country agreed upon by all involved.
of Ireland, and Great Britain, all of whom are pon- in 1922, the Republic of Ireland in the south would One of the few things which is definite is
dering the possible outcomes of the controversial play a part and have a say in certain aspects of run- the unwillingness of both parties to concede that
peace agreement reached this ning Northern Ireland. Another their goal is the lesser to be defeated or moderated
week. It is being called a his- proposal outlined in the agree- in any way. Both look at this as a mere delay on the
toric first step, albeit a mere ment involves an East-West road to their respective goals. With a past of sec-
baby step, in a political and Council which would be com- tarian violence behind both sides, an uncomfort-
religious conflict which spans prised of representatives from the able possibility remains: that one or both sides will
not just a few generations, but Irish Republic, British get fed up or feel violated and resume the violence
centuries. Parliament, the Northern Ireland that has plagued Northern Ireland for most of its
It is because of the Assembly, and the new Scottish 77 year separation from the south.
nature of the conflict that and Welsh Parliaments. This The White House has announced that
agreements have been hard to council would have no legislative President Clinton might visit Northern Ireland in a
come by between Protestant powers, but would instead be month to support the Peace agreement. This could
Unionists and Nationalist used as a forum to keep commu- prove to be more important than it might initially
Catholics in Northern Ireland. nication between countries and sound. In six weeks, the people of Northern Ireland
Generally, the goal of the councils open. and The Republic of Ireland vote in referendums to
Nationalists has been and con- Many within the Irish decide the success or rejection of this agreement. If
tinues to oe a unitea Irelana.
The Unionists, in turn, have
SinnFein Leader Gerry Adams
-UIIL1
States
-
communities voin inmenu
;ii Lb in t1 U TTi
,I llllLltllltllCO
By Norman Solomon with Ben & Jerry's and welcome (sic) them to that Mr. McDonald is a symbol of the counterculture.
Dilbert's roster of more than 100 licensees." Irreverence that defers to big money is
By now, the lines between media, politics, One of those licensees is the world's largest welcome in the mass media. For instance, Jerry
entertainment and commercialism have just about retailer of office supplies. Animated Dilbert com- Seinfeld appears in American Express commercials
disappeared. mercials for Office Depot are airing on network tele- that he co-produces with the Ogilvy & Mather
This month, Bob Dole spoke at the annual vision. These days, "Shillbert" would be more like it. Worldwide ad agency.
meeting of the American Association of Ben and Jerry's is paying a fee for the right Seinfeld is not reluctant. On the contrary.
Advertising Agencies. The former Republican pres- to call its butter almond ice cream "Dilbert's World: "He truly loves advertising," Vanity Fair magazine
idential candidate reportedly got $40,000 for mak- Totally Nuts." How much? "We're not able to dis- reports in its May issue.
ing the speech. That explains why he bothered. But close any details of the licensing agreement," the "Loves" advertising?
why did the group invite him in the first place? Ben and Jerry's PR department told me. "When any creativity becomes useful, it is
The answer is that Dole has the qualifica- As it happens, Dilbert creator Scott sucked into the vortex of commercialism," said
tions to address a convention of hucksters. Since Adams is a strong supporter of downsizing, a posi- playwright Arthur Miller, "and when a thing
leaving the Senate and the campaign trail, he has tion he has voiced with increasing vehemence in becomes commercial, it becomes the enemy of
entered into a somewhat new line of work- doing the past year. After an interview last fall, the San man." And woman. And child.
commercials. His starring roles in TV spots have Francisco Bay Guardian reported: "The fact that It's not surprising that TV ads can be
included pitches for such products as Dunkin' corporate downsizing is good for the economy is clever, entertaining and smoothly produced, given
Donuts and the Visa Check Card. indisputable," Adams said, adding that "anybody the huge number of dollars dumped into them. But
Some embarrassing questions ought to with an I.Q. of more than 80 would agree." rampant affection for this genre of media is an
arise: Are those endorsements on a par with the With enough marketing momentum, it's index of how degraded our society has become.
verities that Dole spent decades proclaiming? Is he apparently possible to work both sides of the street Underneath all the enthusiasm for the
equally fervent about conservative ideology and for a long time. So, Dilbert the icon of downtrod- commercializing process is the notion that just
the virtues of a glazed donut? Is he now -or has he den office employees is also beloved in the highest about everyone and everything is for sale - or
always been - for sale? echelons of management. As Business Week has should be. That our "net worth" is what we own
Eager commercialism is hardly confined reported, Dilbert is a "cult hero to millions of rather than who we are.
to the right side of the political spectrum. A couple American workers" at the same time that "CEOs It's a short hop from there to nihilism. If
of days before Dole's lucrative speech to assembled hang him on the wall." we believe that it's appropriate to put a price tag
adsters, the famously progressive Ben and Jerry's "What's next?" asks cartoonist Tom anywhere, then we must not believe in very much
company launched a new flavor of ice cream, Tomorrow. "Zany Dilbert termination notices, so of real value.
"Dilbert's World." downsized employees can enjoy a heartfelt chuck-
The firm's press release was suitably le over the hopelessness of their plight as they're Norman Solomon is a syndicated columnist. His most
euphoric. Jeanette Smith, identified as "Dilbert being shown the door?" recent books are "Wizards of Media Oz" (co-authored
property manager" for United Media, set the tone: Perhaps a Ben and Jerry's flavor will be with Jeff Cohen) and "The Trouble With Dilbert: How
"United Media is thrilled about our partnership named after Ronald McDonald, with the rationale Corporate Culture Gets the Last Laugh."
PORT INTERNET'S
1D(\ B
PORT INTERNET
14 A-1 MAIN STREET
PORT JEFFERSON
NEW YORK 11777
473-5200
r mm m -- m m m--mm-- m q
IFREE TIME IN OUR...
I I
r------------------------------'PRS
ITHROW YOURSELF A...
PRESS
AS
APAPER
HATI
ICOME IN WEARING THE
SAPPRHT
I
gives you the opportunity to learn from opin- we had made an appointment. She didn't even BIO 347 - Botany and Biotechnology
ions of others on the interpretation of the law, have my paper, and I suspect that she lost it (otherwise known as Botanical Technology in
but also gives rise to some interesting debates before she read it. That is, if she was even capa- Health, Agriculture, Industry, and Society)
and discussions. ble of reading it when she received it. Finally, Professor Abraham D. Krikorian
I think that many will also like both she is a lawyer, and if that is not enough to con- I just found out to my disappointment
Professor Mollette-Ogden's style of teaching and vince you of her questionable morals, ethics and that this class will not be offered next semester, but
her personality. Professor Mollette-Ogden is inter- intelligence then nothing else will. if it is reintroduced in the future, one should defi-
esting, smart and young. And, unlike many of her [Editor's Note: Not that he's bitter.] nitely take it.
colleagues, she is eagerito ieal.ty get to know her Students are introduced to the phyto-
students. She is alway ifice to hold con- PSY 240: Survey in Social Psych chemistry, development, and practical uses of
versations (email her f )a iiduring the time Dr. Marci Lobel higher plants in this course. The production of
that I took the class she would arrive early to hang This course gets nothing but praise from medicinal and mind-altering substances, as well as
out and talk to the students before class and get to me, and I am very picky. Unlike many things we their uses in ethnomedicine are explored in great
know us as people not just social security numbers. are forced to study at USB, social psychology is detail. Plant breeding, genetic manipulation, and
In fact, many of us who are no longer in her class something that affects our everyday lives and food production are also discussed.
often communicate with her for both academic and should be idvertising to mob men- Dr. Krikorian has a huge collection of
social purposes. Though don't think that this class tality, fro ts to pornography, our plant specimens, and studclnts get to see, touch,
is a "gut course". It's not! The class involves work lives are >y social psych and Dr. sniff ,or taste
. something
. ... • •:• . . . One_ fac-
e.1l.ecture.
.. 1 ~.:•i.."
and effort coupled with the fact that Professor Lobel helps us understand how. Ihis class will be ulty member commentea.• .•••irnan proua-
Mollette-Ogden expects a lot from her students. interesting to psych majors and non majors (the bly knows more about plant"• •h.: yone else
Also note that Prof. Mollette-Ogden is fair and pre-req is PSY 103.) . .. " our department." Last sem r, students
willing to help you out if you need it. So if you are The workload and readings are chilie ii iffed at spices and essential oils, and tasted
looking fo.r :a Professor that is interesting and per- ing, but not unfair. You really get to kn(o•e'ibitel nuts, khat, kola nuts, and even fresh cacao
sonab!k, ith course material that you will actual- material. Attending lecture is a must. There are pods imported from South America. He is also
ly u•lel ter•o in your life, I suggest POL 330. also some interesting films shown. The class usual- an entertaining lecturer, and he uses plenty of
ly has about 200 people in it, but Dr. Lobel makes slides and videos every day. Just don't make
POL 372: Politics of the Third World an effort to get to know her students personally him mad, though. He occasionally carries a
This class is interesting, informative and and you don't just feel like an anonymous face in machete.
greatly enriching. Too bad the teacher is an idiot. the crowd. Unfortunately, there simply isn't enough
POL 372 is offered in both fall and spring I enjoyed this class so much I TA'd it the time to discuss all of these topics in detail. This
semesters. This spring, I, unfortunately, took this following year. It fills up pretty quickly and sign- course is only an introduction to the fascinating
course with Andreas Broscheid, a grad.uate student ing in won't be easy, so I would recommend regis- and complex relationship between plants and
in the Political Science department atiEt. ||k. tering for it now. people, but it offers students the resources to
Mr. Broscheid may be a very gi•a||n. pursue further studies of the subject on their
Who knows, he may even be a genius who kti~vs Hum 202: Film and TV Studies II own.
everything about his field of study. I have no idea Jaqueline Reich Don't be intimidated by the overly
about his intelligence quotient outside of the Were it not so immature, I would begin "technical" course description and ambitious
classroom. However, I can tell you that within this review with a hearty, "What a fucking bitch!" syllabus. But it is important to listen carefully
those four cinder block walls he is suddenly But alas, when students are instructed to not go to and take gooino• fgor there is no textbook.
reduced to a spineless, confusing babbler who the bathroom during class, what other sort of Although ~intri, y biology and organic
seems to have no original thoughts, nor any abil- behavior is appropriate? chemistry a.ilisttas~;1~:prerequisites, the lectures
ity to see a side of an issue that is not written in Despite the fact that "The Third" Reich are sufficiently straightforward for non-science
the textbook. conducts her class like a fascist dictatorship, the majors.
He will not accept any attempt to gain a class itself is actually interesting. Well...the
different perspective by altering the angle of the movies are interesting. One of the textbooks, MAT 124: Calculus B
course material. Neither will he argue with his stu- befitting something that would be required Yair Minsky
dents: he simply disregards their statements with reading•i•.lJ a taught by a woman who mis- This is probably one of the best profes-
"I do not think that is true," and then continues on spells 4 fGd iW e on the board the first day, sors you'll ever have in the Math department. He
with his dribble. feature ~- is of the roles of such Star prepares his lectures carefully, but you never get
The lectures are unnecessary - he simply Wars characters as Princess "Leah" and Obi the feeling that he's rea-idi fom.his notes.
reiterates the textbook. Don't bother going to class "Won Kenobe." Usually he can tell without ~ather peo-
- his ignorance will give you a headache. Have a question about the influence of pie are understanding the'iiw
hP i R• d if not
The material is wonderfully interesting, Sergei Eisenstein on modern cinema? You'll have how to remedy the confusion. He genuinely
but in order to get anything remotely enriching out to keep it to yourself: questions aren't allowed in seems to enjoy himself while teaching. While his
of PO.. i.st do your own kind of inde- Frau Reich's classroom until the end - when every- casses are not always exciting, it's usually the
pendeMi Md-*^ff e Broscheid won't teach you
us" one is already up and moving. 'iauilt of the material in the syllabus, not the lec-
squat. Despite the fact that she's a bitch itiii . Take any class he's teaching, whether you
Bottom line: take the class, avoid the class itself isn't that bad. It makes you wonder need it or not. Even if you've already taken cal-
teacher. what it would be like had the material been culus, take it again with him. This time you'll
POL 347 taught by someone able to keep their train of learn it.
9
PAGE
1998
15.
AmL
AmaL 15, 1998 PAGE 9
_ ill I I ·
.7el
I Ir I · IL~
GRoCMA
____G^0€^«^>6
THeERE ARQ (MAW4 MA*l^
MAPr MAWI MAW%6 MAAN%9
ABE AID TýJPSE OF PARE6TS:
LAZV-BOoE S. PATMe-FFLLEp.
WILL'S
L
$E'P 0oL0 WALtuV
GUIPE ro
__
___ - _-
I · ~ ·
EVERYEONE SEEMS TO
^P PA ^kr
BETAKING TtIS
RATkER WELL.
r
, 15 COUNT WE
\l / IN FOR THE
Sc GOODBYE LUNCH!
Cd
\^^~~~ll U ^iL
...... I I
I -
J4I RoiLLS OurT
V*KSE&4t) tE*E
c*EwE,7TmE
- --- ·I !k
LP2LCIAL
RNAEVIR WF21?RIE BNH
S& Ill 1PRINTIj
THE ANGPY SQUIPPEL: THE LOST EPISODES
FEATUPING: Endorsed by
'BOPN INAGPUNGY TEE' Evil Steve:
'FED PRESTON AND NUTS' Megalomaniac
'YOUP ASS... PU-PU PLATTEP' Squirrel
'LOS VACAS KiCK YOUP ASS'
'GUAPO. GUAPO, MI PINGA!'
'GLOPIA ESTEBAN'
rl
by Matthew Vernon
Strike Force Echo Xavier Willemain
I
ern-
and do better.
ment
$ucst cAutfjor!
job...
By Hookah & The Ranch RANCH: I fucked your sister. lution of the snack cake. Virtual flatline. Ah, I'm talk-
HOOKAH: TWINKIES! ing shit. These were always my least favorite. Who
One night when The Ranch and I were supposed TWINKIES the fuck bought Pound Cake?
to be studying, we happened across a few sudden bong hits RANCH: That little rodeo guy on the package still RANCH: Honestly. Did anyone EVER want that piece
and got ripped to the tits. (Hey - that rhymes!) The glori- gives me the giggles. of shit? Dry, bland, flavorless.
ous happenstance made us introspective - a deep think that, HOOKAH: A fat guy trailer park snack. I'm surprised HOOKAH: Grandma's on welfare, that's what pound
was interrupted by a ferocious bout of the munchies. Like Southern Culture On The Skids hasn't written a song cake's about.
crazed sharks, we set upon a box of Twinkies, and, mouths about them. RANCH: Them and Saltines. I would've
fill of cake and "creme", reminisced about the sparkling RANCH: Eating a lot of Twinkies always liked these cupcakes except for two
myriad of baked snack cakes sold in your local supermarket, made me feel like a fat girl who got stood up small things. The frosting was just too
each a world of exploding sugary delight, caught,frozen, in on a date. Dude, I'd feel miserable. It would damn thick. It was like an attack of
a glistening cage of cellophane. There was something be like, I was a Rollins poem. But I wasn't Lirmy sugary chocolate. And it came off
almost sexual in the way a Chocodile would emerge, John REALLY a Rollins poem. I don't know. I under- too easily. One bite, you had the cake in your hand
Holmes-like, from its plastic cocoon, only to provide oral stand your pain, fat girl. and the frosting dangling from your upper lip.
stimulation to the... uh, hm. Okay. Right. So we thought HOOKAH: See! You don't want a snack to give you a HOOKAH: My brother, I couldn't agree with you
about other snack cakes, and decided to rate them, in a "he guilt trip, and the Twinkie, while good, does send you more. Once again, you've stated succinctly what it
said"-"he said" kind've style. A "he said"-"bitch said". down trailer park lane, and you don't need to feel that was I felt about the fraud that is the Hostess Cupcake.
"He said"-"mastersaid". Whoops, there I go again. low, that rejected, that distant from society. You eat a RANCH: Indeed. Down with the cupcake...
Twinkie, it makes you want to go out and buy a bag HOOKAH: ... and up with the Coffee Cake!
LITTLE DEBBIES, et. al of apples, for penance. I don't need Catholic symbol-
RANCH: I despised these things. These were like ism in my snacks. COFFEE CAKES
snacks for poor kids. Stale, miniature, tasteless. Old- RANCH: And all fruit is penance. RANCH: I went through a period when I liked coffee
fashioned, just... bleh. cake, and then I didn't like coffee cake, and now I'm
HOOKAH: You aristocratic fuck! Who the fuck do FRUIT PIES sort of ambivalent about it.
you think you are? You have no idea how delicious HOOKAH: Oh, boy. HOOKAH: It is an elusive favorite, isn't it? It's like an
Little Debbies are. Try, try, just TRY, to beat an oatmeal RANCH: I hated these fucking things. old friend who every once in a while starts to hang
vie. You can't! HOOKAH: Dude, you are SO wrong. Fruit pies, espe- out with you a little bit more, but when he has to
RANCH: What are you, fucking nuts? ke's fruit pies, were a well-balanced, leave, you don't really mind. It's good while it lasted.
Oatmeal pie? I'm a little kid, I can't eat ttoo indulgent sweet. At 75 cents a pack- RANCH: It's like your grandmother. You don't want
sweet stuff, my mom gives me oatmeal, I e, an insane steal. her to die, but you don't want to chill out with her,
don't wanna eat oatmeal again, I WANT LANCH: My problem with the fruit pie either.
SWEET STUFF! is twofold. One: there's fruit in it. We HOOKAH: Uh, yeah.
HOOKAH: You probably hated carrot cake had this argument earlier, and fruit just RANCH: That was a Perry Farrell quote. God, I'm
too, didn't'cha? doesn't appeal to me. When I eat a stoned.
RANCH: Fuckin'-A. Vegetables in cake? snack cake, I know I'm entering into a HOOKAH: "Yeah, and it's gonna be called the Mind
kind of fucking idea is that?! It's like jogging. RUN world of unhealth. Sugar, cream, fat, it's all shit, rots Field, and it's gonna have, like, all this cool, groovy
FOR FUN? your teeth, bloats ya up. But that's part of the deal. All stuff for you to trip out on, and also for you to grow
HOOKAH: I guess pumpkin pie is on that list, also. of a sudden fruit shows up, and bang! I've got worlds as a person spiritually and mentally... who has my
You're all black and white, there's no subtlety with colliding. I don't need this in a pastry. Two: those spike?"
you. You don't appreciate the beauty of gray [Mental things tasted like they were coated and soaked in oil. RANCH: And finally, two truly unique treats:
Jewelry, 1988.] They were GREASY. The last thing I want to do is eat Chocodiles and Snoballs.
RANCH: <silence> something whose entire premise is based on fruit only
HOOKAH: <silence> to find out it's GREASY. The apples they used to make CHOCODILES
RANCH: What were we talking about? those pies were grown on the roof of a Brooklyn HOOKAH: I liked the chocodiles, but they fell in my
HOOKAH: Live. apartment building and then slow-roasted over a esteem. I began to enjoy the Peanut Butter cousin of
RANCH: The band? street fire. the Chocodile, the Funny Bone, even more. Can't
HOOKAH: Yep. HOOKAH: All right, your first problem: I told you front on the Funny Bone.
RANCH: Oh. YODELS! before, the fruit in a Drake's apple pie has been RANCH: Nope. Didn't like the Funny Bone. Peanut
revoked of its "fruit" status. It is so permeated with butter is too damn sticky to be coming out in those
YODELS sugar and spice and oh, everything nice, that volumes.
HOOKAH: Fantastic. Three equally measured, equal- it ceases being fruit and becomes a sug- IOOKAH: But it was like a sweet, sticky
ly treasured elements: a Zen-like balance of sweets ary-caramelized simulacrum of some- penalty for good cake-loving.
running the dry to wet gamut. thing that was once fruit. It's a new RANCH: You got an apple with a razor in
RANCH: I have to agree. Yodels do kick ass. The only goodie. it one Halloween, didn't you?
thing I didn't like about them was the tendency to RANCH: Yeah, spread me ass-cheeks IOOKAH: No, but my grandmother always
make the mouth dry. Almost walked the "too much
cake" border, y'know?
open every morning around about 8 A*
T11U V1'%tIIAW X
adilu I si liuow you a
a iill IMLIL;
new gooaIl. ,.ly
tc••i
y aiiu
aclu gllllln idii
htt
lt LIaL pClCa
tht
ed to scare me out of eating my candy by
ULmUeaIL.
HOOKAH: I don't agree. It achieved sweet. RANCH: Grandmothers again.
cake/cream/icing harmony. A studied, academic HOOKAH: Let's get off grandmothers.
blend. CAKES RANCH: I just got off... no, I don't even have the taste
RANCH: I felt other snack cakes found HOOKAH: Like the cakes. for that.
that blend better. Ring Dings, for exam- RANCH: Devil Dogs, Yankee Doodles, Sunny HOOKAH: Speaking of taste...
ple. Doodles, Pound Cake...who the fuck ate
pound cake? Eating one of those was a six SNOBALLS
RING DINGS iour proposition. It got on your fingers, on RANCH: I hated them. I always felt you had to get it
HOOKAH: Ring Dings are round Yodels. your shirt, on your lips, stuck on your teeth...if you all in your mouth at once, and I'd wind up choking.
RANCH: I think that's partially what I liked about wanna warm up before oral sex, I suggest a Devil But then again, I was a retard.
them. A "pie", and not some weird missile of choco- Dog, because your tongue will be the Arnold HOOKAH: I always felt that while the Snoballs tast-
late going into your mouth. Hm. Schwarzenegger of stamina after that work-out. ed good, that you always felt you weren't getting
HOOKAH: But that has nothing to do with mouth-to- HOOKAH: What's wrong with working for your what you were paying for. It wasn't substantial
moisture ratios. You're such a pothead, getting all rewards? enough. It went too quickly.
bogged down in the symbolism of a shape, rather RANCH: Hey, why work when it's free elsewhere? RANCH: I could just never rationalize buying a
than the experience of a taste. That's like doing volunteer government work you Snoball. Over here, I have vanilla creme, cake, and
RANCH: Well, I also didn't like that the chocolate on don't eniov because vou feel vou need to pav . chocolate shell. Over there. I have... marshmal-
Yodels was darker, more bittersweet, than the milky them back for air. Look, the shit in Devil low and sugar. Who makes that option? "Do
chocolate on Ring Dings. Drake's whole approach to Dogs is just the shit in Hostess Cupcakes you want the really good car, or the really
the cocoa bean was with a spatula, harsh and sharp. without the fun frosting. bad car, but the really bad car costs more
HOOKAH: The dark chocolate is always the better money." What is that?
chocolate. That you even question that shows you to HOSTESS CUPCAKES HOOKAH: Wow. That was a lot of words.
be the fool that you are. HOOKAH: Yeah, it was a low point in the evo- RANCH: Indeed.
By Lisa Aviles
All Our Favorites petent is you. Ironically, we find your blind arrogance to be that of a fool's. We "more
naive" students have not employed a second's confusion in understanding the dis-
Feeling a little out of touch with fellow Stony Brook students? Well,self- tinction between background knowledge and any sort of magnificent intellect. We're
alienate no more - consider the following models of distinctive classroom behav- glad you had the time (unlike many of us) to go to the library and "read up."
ior and be at one with the collective aggravation of your fellow students. Here is However, your arrogance has insulted both the students and the professors. In turn,
the official shit list of students in the classroom who annoy the hell out of us. you bear the insolence of a bratty five year old. There is a difference between sug-
gesting and condescending: I suggest you look up those words in your spare time.
"CAPTAIN OBVIOUS" (as superbly named by a student in my class) There's no better time than now to stop and smell that you reek of insult.
Where can I begin with these people? They are heinous brown nosers, masters of "VOCABULARIUS MAXIMUS" These individuals give elitism a bad rep-
regurgitating either the text and/or professor. They occupy the center of the class- utation. They are more actors than anything else, making a horrific and flamboy-
room experience, being the common household fly of annoyance for 99% of us. For ant display of their words. Thinking that everyone will be impressed, they are
those of you who aren't quite sure as to whether or not this is you, it probably is. unnecessarily "showy" in their choice of words. In doing so, their language fails to
So please, STOP! You are an embarrassment to yourself as well as to others. Your sparkle, taking on the gaudiness and false luster of ugly rhinestone jewelry. What
classmates are embarrassed at the oblivion which your obviousness illuminates. VOCABULARIUS MAXIMUS may or may not realize is that any repetitious use
Stop using the same two-cent word. Realize that through overuse, you have single- of words containing an average of four syllables is the clear and distinct bong
handedly depreciated what was once a semi-decent ten-cent word into a groveling, loudly revealing their desperate need for attention and for the intellectual
hackneyed two-cent expression. I'm all for class participation, but unless you're approval of the teacher. It's sort of like wearing a mini-skirt that accidentally rides
hard pressed for some participation grade, there is simply no excuse for your up your ass, revealing to everyone else but you the fact that your left ass cheek is
behavior. If you need to practice regurgitation, go to a bar and just get it out of your showing.
system. Yet if this pathetic ability to depreciate the intellectual integrity of the class- "I'M ASLEEP" Of course you are! While the rest of us scribble down notes
room happens to make you feel strong and sure, well then, raise your hand high and bite our nails at the thought of the upcoming exam, one person in the class
and proud; you have rightly earned your esteemed and worthy position. catches our nervous eye. There, with his or her head resting soundlessly and so
"MR. & MRS. BROWN NOSE" see "CAPTAIN OBVIOUS" peacefully on a desk, is I'M ASLEEP, who reminds you of 7:30 this morning, when
"COLONEL CONTROVERSY" "Aim, Fire!!" is the battle cry of these some- you reached a sleepy hand out to your alarm clock and, with eyes closed, pressed
what soldierly student. The hot blood of war runs through their veins. Bless them for the snooze button with impressive early morning precision. Yet, as the class wears
their energy, they have enough for two or perhaps even three students, but they act on, you realize that this person is never going to wake up: they are going to sleep
as if someone rammed a stick of dynamite up their ass. These students, steering usu- through the entire class. On many occasions I have been severely tempted to tap
ally in the extreme left or right direction, consistently manage to pick only the most the chronic I'M ASLEEP on the shoulder and whisper earnestly, "Is there any pur-
controversially explosive issues which are bound to get a ra-ra out of other students. pose to your life?" The knowledge that you have the notes and that I'M ASLEEP
They are unrepentant megalomaniacs who get off at pushing buttons, and who revel doesn't somehow isn't satisfying enough; the fact that drool is starting to come out
in creating explosions. Yet it takes two to play; we have all sat through enough of of his or her mouth is.
these "discussions" to know the oftentimes pointless efforts of the Responders. Their "MOLLY MONOPOLIZE" These student, in sharp contrast to I'M
attacks are aimed always at the Responders, those students who, without fail, always ASLEEP, take inaction to its most harassing extremes. They forget the attempted
seem to entertain these controversially driven individuals, never learning that the democracy of the classroom and simply blurt out commentary at random.
better, more efficient argument is sometimes silence. These students are a little too Unfortunately, this becomes a problem because MOLLY MONOPOLIZE never
peculiar to discuss at length. In short, COLONEL CONTROVERSY is less about con- learns to shut the hell up for one minute. Who the hell wants to hear someone that
troversy and more about the Addict Responders and Groaning Bystanders. won't shut up for 55 or (if you're really unfortunate) 120 minutes? MOLLY
"THE COMPLAINER" (pinch nose and speak in as whiny a voice as pos- MONOPOLIZE can also be COLONEL CONTROVERSY, and in this case, threat-
sible) : "This class sucks. Its so boring. I'm just taking it because I had to for a ens his or her own personal safety through inciting a disgust and aggravation so
requirement. I would do better if I actually found it interesting..." thick you could cut it with a knife. Not to fear though, if knives come into it, they
Etcetera, etcetera, now shut up! We didn't forget this fact from the last will only be for the purpose of cutting a piece of duck tape large enough to fit over
class, or the one before that, where you told us more or less the exact same thing. MOLLY's big mouth.
Why don't you use the same time and energy you spend complaining to find "EATING MACHINE" Yummy! Potato chips, crackers - anything that
something else to talk about? Sad but true, no one really cares about your require- makes a lot of noise - the EATING MACHINE has got it! EATING MACHINEs
ments, nor do they care to be reminded about their own. Misery loves company, doesn't care how much ruckus they make in the classroom - damnit, they're going
but company hates misery. to eat their potato chips, and they're going to eat them NOW. Discretion is not the
"THE OLDER STUDENT" Let me get this out on the table now: surely not better part of their valor, unfortunately. As you sit in your chair, trying to concen-
to be confused with ALL older students (I have seen many who are truly interested trate on a lecture being given in class, the crackling sound of the potato chip bag
and impressively dedicated to their studies,) SOME older students, I noticed, can is heard from the back of the room. As this hungry wretch wrestles with the bag,
be a pain in the ass. "THE OLDER STUDENT" is the one who most condescends the professor's voice now becomes inaudible. My hearing is now interfered by
to a professor. He or she takes it upon him or herself to make such statements to a someone else's need to make a shameless distraction with nasty junk food. The
professor with a Ph.D as, "but what you missed was..." or, "you need to remem- fact that it is followed up by the sound of potato chips crunching against molars
ber that..." and so on and so forth! is also distracting and irritating. Eating food is one thing, but eating noisy food is
Passivity, yes, should by all means be avoided, but this type of student just plain inconsiderate and makes you look like a food slob. Think of all the starv-
attemptsthe role of overseer or 'corrector' simply because he or she feels that his/her ing children in the world, then think of Sally Struthers - get the point?
age makes them some sort of academic demigod. Please Mr./Ms. Presumptuous -
come off that there high horse! The only person who thinks that you're more com- from The Encyclopedia of Annoying Classmates:designedfor the annoyed
student, vol. I
TPHE
PRESS
SToNI
BROOK
PAGE So
· · I ~ · I I, · I I I · I , I I I I ·
FEATURES
By Frankie "The Movie Guy" Fusaro when he curses out, another character (those who Network 'cock teaser flick' or a furious sex-fest?" Ill
never watched "Heart to Heart" might know Wagner say this: it was tamer than Species II, but I think the
Now, for all of those who don't read the as "Number 2" in Austin Powers, thus this might not Neve Campbell lesbian scene was well worth picking
Statesman, and would not like to hear the whole appeal to you poor unfortunate few). this film over the aforementioned SpeciesH. Now yes,
ending of Mandalay Entertainment's newest Now as for who has the bacon here, indeed for some, Neve may be no Natasha Henstridge, bt I
achievements in the film industry, boy does The Kevin Bacon has, and is not shy about sharing it think the other girl in the scene will satisfy those who
Movie Guy have a treat for you. Now, as we with the whole audience. That was something would pick Natasha over Neve. The only problem
momentarily step from the real world into the which I could have done without seeine...ever. Not with this film is that it is too eosh darn tame for what
world of Kevin Bacon's Wild Things I must give because it was just a useless nude it was attempting o be. Now,
due warning. First off, I can not guarantee I will scene which just hung there (he Miss Militant Feminist, don't
not skew your viewing of said film or that I will he he;) nope, only because it's take this the wrong way m only
not let a few things slip, but unlike other so called Kevin Bacon, for Christ's sake. saying it was supposed to be a
news papers, I shall not give away any plot twists, Now I'm not sexist or anything - "sizzling and mesmerizing"
and I'll be using a smaller font. So if you care to I wouldn't care if it had been Matt film, and honestly speaking,I've
partake of this little review, read on. Dillon who showed all - but for seen more sizzle on a HBO oigi-
A valid thought here might be: Was this a God's sake, this isn't some mere nal production. And the chastity
classic case of 'trailer ruins the film?' I'd have to second ring sucker here, it's Kevin belt is all Neve; she has no di-
say so. Now this was not the greatest film, but had Bacon. ty clause put in her contract
I not been barraged by the basic plot, and her To me, Bacon's the Gene (though I do keep myespectfor
twists, in the constant attack of the Wild Things Hackman (The Everywhere and the fact she had the good tste
trailer, I think I might have at least enjoyed it more Everything actor who is just mad- not to bare all in a movie of this
than I did. But let's put that all that aside for the cool) of my generation, but now I quality.) Now the lovely lesbian
moment (we can no more change this than we can stand disillusioned and disheart- lip-locking (say that ten times
put the "bacon scene" on that cutting room floor.) ened: When I was young, Kevin ] Mmmm m... Bacon. fast) between Ms. Neve "I don't
The acting was passable, though the plot did move was Footloose. As I grew up, he too grew up, from do frontal nudity" and her co-star is pretty darn sexy
at a pace that was a little slow. Yet I had no real Quicksilver, the greatest bike movie ever, (though it and has an actual reason in the fim, unlike theBacon
objection except the director actually thought he had only nominal competition) to He Said, She Said, scene, so it's not all that bad.
was the second coming of Hitchcock, which he to Tremors and so on. Now it was bad enough he All in all, if you've seen everything out
wasn't, with his pacing and camera work. This was raping little boys in Sleepers (for all those who there except Species II and Wild Things, go home
might be what made the film seem so slow. I orig- haven't seen that on, sorry to burst your balloon,) and rent something like Sling Blade. But if you
inally thought the character development and plot but at least we didn't see anything that would com- must pick something - then go for Wld Things and
lacked substantiality, but by the end (hint: stay sit- promise his integrity. I mean geez, he's like The watch the Starship Troopers girl get naked and try to
ting during the credits) I really thought it wasn't all Player one minute, then he's a Show Girl. Hey, call act as Kevin Bacon whispers his prophetic dia-
that bad. As for the soundtrack, I'm sure James me old-fashioned, but I just don't like it. I was even logue (which is darn prophetic at times) Oh yeah
Horer wept when he heard his puppy rocket in warned about the now infamous scene, but I had - don't forget to sit through the credits - it's a very
the theaters with 4.8 million on the opening week- not believed such a vile rumor. I was stunned as I cool cinematic device and makes the ending much
end (that, no mater what some say, was sarcasm). watched it happen: why oh why did he do it? better. In short, one will find this movie better than
There were some great surprises in the film Honestly, I just don't understand the man. The Quest, which is...well, not saying much reall,
which didn't involve plot. Everyone's favorite fun- Now for the part of the review I'm sure but hey, Neve still looks darn good. And that's the
nyman, Bill Murray, plays a great part in the film. He you've all been waiting for: The "Nudie-Sex Scenes." straight shit from the guy who had the most fun
is one of the film's bright spots along with Robert The question you might have found yourself asking going to see this film when the crowd behind him
"Mr. Heart" Wagner. His super-mad-cool part was after seeing the trailer was, "Is this a late-night USA announced, "We didn't go see Grease for this."
P --
There is always
more going on out there
than what you see or editor of Maximum Rock and Roll, passed away on campus, you just have to
what is readily available. April 3rd. I mention this because four famous people: keep your eyes and ears peeled.
in the music world died within a week of his death I remember in years past, every spring
Dial Twisting and I didn't want his to go unnoticed. MRR, since its there'd be parties in the Union Fireside Lounge once
Sometimes the inception in 1981, has been one of the pillars of punk a month on Friday afternoons. Bob Marley day was
radio can be full of sur- rock worldwide. A lot of what eventually makes it every February and would feature a Reggae band,
prises. As a case in: into Spin and Rolling Stone starts out in this fanzine. there'd be a Haitian fest every year, and a Caribbean
point. I eive these two Over the years, the staff top tens in MRR party that would feature a calypso-steel-drum band
examples. Both feature WCBS-FM, 101.1,the oldies have featured 'Nirvana ("89), Mudhoney ("89), performing carnival music under the bridge in front
station. 1 It could just as easily have been WUSB- Dinosaur Jr. ("87), Lemonheads ("87), Boss Hog of the union. I guess Baron Bomburst, the Vice
FM, or any of the other great stations on the left of ("90) and Chumbawamba ("87). These are all bands President for Student Affairs, had something to do
the dial. The fact that it was the oldies station does that went on to be, years later, some of the biggest with these events no longer happening.
say something about that old time rock and roll. names in alternative music. Later, the magazine The SPOT continues to have live music
In the first case, I'm driving in my car and went on to narrow its definition of what punk rock four nights a week. Upcoming shows to look out
flipping through the dial looking for something was. In light of that decision, many other punk for include the Sidedoor Johnnies, Bunsen
good and something with an edge. I put on fanzines have proliferated to fill the void. Honeydew, Imperial Pints gig this Saturday night
WDRE (or LIR or the underground network or The best example of this is Punk Planet, and the Moxie, Slant concert next Saturday.
whatever they were calling themselves on this which started at the end of 1993. Issue #23 featured (Moxie's new record, which will be out in time for
particular day) and they are playing something interviews with Chumbawamba and Lydia Lunch:. the show, is on the Rykodisc label; the same label
godawful like the Stoner Temple Pilots. Unh uh, I and an article on pirate radio. Issue #24 will be the as Bowie, Zappa and Kristin Hersh.) Wednesday,
wasn't having it. Quick dial twist, and I land on "Art and Design" issue featuring lots of punk-and- April 29th will feature the return of My Favorite,
CBS-FM, the oldies station, and what are they underground art and art methods. who will be playing with Bunnygrunt and
playing? Punk fucking rock! They're playing A great local fanzine is Under The Volcano. Tullycraft. These last two bands come from as far
Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild." 2 Just what the This fanzine was started at the begining of 1991 by away as St. Loius and Seattle. Also, the Spot will be
doctor ordered. Rich Black and Greg Groovy. UTV was meant to be having a poetry marathon on Sunday, May 10th
In the second case, I'm travelling with the more diverse than MRR and to focus on the bur- (Mother's Day, so bring your mom) from 2pm until
Loiterers (a local punk band) along the LIE on the geoning Long Island scene. Seeing as how many LI 8pm. The event is a benefit for WUSB.
way to a gig in NYC at Coney Island High. The bands are now having their music heard all over
van's radio picks up very few stations, only those the world, I'd say that UTV, and the locals it has Bottle Flipping
that are big and powerful: PLJ, Z100, CBS. Every inspired, has more than filled its purpose. A lot of times something new comes about
time the dial ends up on CBS, it appears that they The latest issue, #43, features interviews simply by giving a slight twist to what we"ve
are having a Ramones marathon. We hear "Do You with Hellcat artist the Dropkick Murphys, Mike always known. Switch one liquor or one juice in a
Wanna Dance" by Bobby Freeman, "Surfin" Bird" Watt (of Firehose and the Minutemen), rock- drink and you have a completely new drink.
by the Trashmen, "California Sun" by The steady/bluebeat band the Stubborn All-stars, and Changing the vodka for amaretto will make a
Rivieras, and "Baby, I love you" by the Ronettes. Zen Guerrilla (remember Lowell Yaeger's review of Madrass into a Cranberry Cooler.
These are all songs that the Ramones have covered their record last ish?) It also features a naked picture One day I was drinking at my new job, cel-
on various albums. (full frontal) of Kevin Bacon. It's free on Lawn Guy ebrating the Indian New Year (just another reason to
.and and can be found at most cool be pro-immigration,) and I was in the mood for
ecord stores in the area. something different. Even more so I was in the
mood for something healthy. I poured my self a
Club Hopping strawberry lassi and then I wondered what I could
One rainy afternoon I was taking pour into that. Rum? I didn't think that would mix
i short cut from Admin. to the Union to well with the yogurt (though I can't see why not.)
hrough the Staller Center for the Arts. Amaretto, like in a Strawberry Shortcake? Hmmm.
Dnce inside,I noticed signs for a new Mmmm, good. I think I"ll call it a
3tudent production called the SKELE- Strawmerretto Lassi.
FONfast FOOD dream BIRD prom. The
)lay was written, directed, produced Coke or Pepsi? I don't think so, there's so
md performed entirely by Stony much more out there.
3rook students. A few of us from The C'mon, baby, show me that you can show
Press went down and were all thor-I me something other than what you"ve been shown.
)ughly entertained. One week later, The possibilities are endless.
)ther student groups were putting on
production of Pucini's La Boheme 1-This was when CBS was the only oldies station
see review on opposite page.) And around. I always had trouble with the fact that
then the following weekend, another their definition of oldies went up through the
production, The Food Chain, took place eighties. I would change the station every time
n Theater One of the Staller Center. they'd play Phil Collins or the Eagles or Blondie's
On another day I was down stairs "Heart of Glass." Fortunately, today there is an
in the Union when I noticed a sign for even better oldies station, called B103, at 103.1 FM.
a film series over at the Science Fiction
Forum, a series that culminated with 2- I make the claim that "Born to Be Wild" is a punk
Tank Girl. As soon as I was free on the song because of its inclusion on one of the Nuggets
given day I was over there watching comps put out by Rhino Records in the mid-eighties,
Tank Girl. One week later and they though it could just as easily be argued that the song
were having a Lost in Space marathon.: is the first heavy metal song. (Ray Davies, however,
On other days one can find poet- claims that the Kinks were the first heavy metal
ry readings in the SAC, jazz concerts band. And who are any of us to argue with him?)
in either the SAC or Staller Center,
and art shows in the Union Gallery,
University Art Gallery (Staller Center) D-Kline hosts a weekly radio show on WUSB, 90.1
and Graduate Art Gallery (Melyille FM, every Thursday afternoonfrom 2:30 to 5:30.
By Cat Hui ing with her mouth open so wide that you would appropriate and quaint period costume, one
fear being engulfed and swallowed in one casual might expect that normal speaking would
Friday nights are odd nights for me. gulp. Yum. Regardless, that general stereotype of emanate from their lips instead of the vibrant
Nlormially
.. . .^...- .J on Fridays
. A -.-.. _ A. hanhg
-I ---- .. ^ out with my friends all oneras is just not true... I'm
. . .... not
. . tryingr - Jsay that
. J - 0 to vocals that emerged. The voices themselves often
and do whatever mildly amusing there's no such thing as a reached levels that I thought did not exist in
and frequently lame diversion singing blond Viking nature. Even though I had no clue as to what was
that we could find. This year, princess in operas. I'm just being sung, the singers themselves were able to
Fridays just suck for me. I have a trying to make the point that convey the story and characters through their
radio show on alternating Friday things don't always fit into voices. Musetta's spoiled and demanding charac-
nights which makes it difficult the generally accepted ter came through the soprano vocalizations of the
for me to actually hang out. If I stereotype. DMA student So Young Yoo. Guest vocalist
go out before my shift, I always But back to the story. A Theodore Green's tenor voice easily related the
manage to end up rushing back, few friends and I went to the intense love that his character Rodolfo feels for
out of breath and a complete Stony Brook production of his lady love Mimi. From what I could tell (and
mess. This results in a bad show Puccini's La Boheme. Based you must remember that my opera going experi-
with lots of slurring, stuttering upon Henry Murger's novel ence is limited to this singular event) the acting
and various other things DJs are Scenes di La Vie de Boheme and was not really important. What was crucial to
not supposed to do. And to wait a play adaptation of the making this opera "work" was the ability of the
till afterwards... well, it's hard novel, the opera takes place singers to express emotions through thesubtle
enough to find something to do in 19th century Paris in the inflections of the voice since it was to be assumed
on normal Fridays so just imag- Latin Quarter. The story is a that a majority of the audience was not totally
ine how irritating it is finding rather simple tale of two cou- fluent in Italian. Even a friend of mine who knew
someplace open other than 24- ples and of the love and loss some Italian only fared a bit better in translating
hour diners with rude waitresses that they experience. The the words.
and bad coffee. And as my luck nts impotite to snower auring an opera I Broadway hit Rent is loosely The audience was mostly composed of an
would haveit, whenever people would want to go based upon this story. Thanks to the detailed older crowd than myself and my friends. They
hit a club or something, it would always be on a story summary provided in the program, I felt appeared to appreciate the work that was being
Friday when I couldn't go. mildly prepared to sit through this cultural expe- performed there and a few of the audience mem-
So what in the world would possess me rience. The opera was in Italian, and, of course, bers took it upon themselves to express this senti-
to go to, of all things, an opera on my free Friday sung entirely in Italian. Duh. I was damn proud ment with a standing ovation. The cast was com-
night? Well, it was fairly simple; I had never seen of the fact that I understood a few words ("wine", prised of DMA students here at Stony Brook, visit-
one before and curiosity got to me. Normally "a little bit", "yes" and "second act"!) considering ing guest vocalists and one undergraduate making
when one thinks of an opera, a certain image my foreign language background consisted of the his operatic debut. Supporting the cast were the
comes to mind. The female lead would be a rather standard high school Spanish and a minuscule Stony Brook Opera Chorus and the Stony Brook
large and intimidating blond woman with her amount of Latin. Regardless of the language bar- Opera Children's Chorus. Conducted by Victor
hair in two long braids wearing a metal helmet rier, La Boheme was a great deal more enjoyable DeRenzi, the Stony Brook Symphony Orchestra
with horns and upper body armor. Her singing than I expected. There were no Vikingesque char- supplied the expert musical accompaniment essen-
would almost take on the appearance of bellow- acters strutting around the stage. Dressed in tial to La Boheme.
By Lowell Yaeger front row. Adult Themes is more of a conceptual joke: that is, the instrumental parts are crude, aimless
it's 37 "songs", mostly under a minute long, made acoustic meanderings (when they aren't just tuneless
Call it discriminating taste, a good ear, or using only Mike Patton's voice and a miniature tape riffing - oops, the epileptic got too close to the guitar
just plain luck, but in my years of buying records, I've recorder. It's a lot of growling, barking, shrieking, and again!).
come across some damn funny ones. Sometimes I'm tape feedback. Unfortunately, the effect it has on Hip-hop can be funny, but some rappers are
recommended by a friend or article, sometimes the unwilling listeners is funnier than the album itself. really funny. Around this time last year : discovered
song titles catch my eye, and sometimes it doesn't Another band dedicated to the idea of offen- Kool Keith Thornton, an amazingly prolific West
take anything more than the cover, but there's a small sive material is Ween. You may remember Ween from Coast fella who relocated from the Bronx after his first
block of titles in my collection bought for the ha-ha's their 15 minutes of fame with "Push Th' Little Daisies" band, the legendary Ultramagnetic MCs, split up. His
alone. In honor of the Big Funny issue, here's a survey (the video, featuring the Ween "brothers" twirling best-known project, Dr. Octagon, is a collaboration
of some notable Big Funny records that I've come mushrooms and running around with stockings on between the rapper, who has been hospitalized for
across in my travels. their heads, surfaced on Beavis & Butt- mental instability before, and production wizard Dan
The Biggest, Funniest record I own is proba- H-J
eaI
nrir
i hfntl - znnhniT
f *»oi»r» m LIL
II L,
"Thi A ,inm-rma r" NIT2ik;amirr; MelloA,
bly Mr. Bungle's self-titled debut on Warner Bros. Mr. delight). Cho4 , and at the middle
Bungle is Mike Patton's original band, he of Faith No (Elektra) is f se favorite word is
More fame, but you wouldn't know it from the liner and away thei
notes of the first album, where he's listed as "Vlad masterpiece, i concept album
Drac." Mr. Bungle is a long record, and the band man- an eclectic gynecologist from
ages to cover just about every musical genre in its combination agon sets forth his
allotted 75 minutes. While many of the songs, like of styles that mission state-
"Slowly Growing Deaf" and "Egg." aren't necessarily covers prog- ment on "I Got
funny, they are good. The band is tighter than a nun's rock guitar To Tell You": "This
pussy and more than willing to show off their ability instrumen- s the offices of Dr.
to execute stop-start time changes, drastic shifts in tals, dement- :tagon. If you have
style, and startling variations in tone and texture. ed synth-rocl insurance and
But that doesn't matter. The album is funny, fairy tales, an 8 medical problems,
m here for you for
too. After a minute-long audio recording of a man
taking a dump (and a loud one, too), the band launch-
entitled "Buena
eh-t2
A~~r
tuine wIutoe uiLy lyrics are /fILu. ! ii: v11
V !iLJ. v
no finft tinc
tfxr
any Lype 4,3 n•sctneII
es into its third song, "Squeeze Me Macaroni," a spit- Ween has a way of inserting odd lyrics into surgery, rectal re-build-
fire rap about having sex with food: seemingly innocuous songs, creating a sinister and ing, re-located saliva glands, and chimpanzee acne.
deceptive atmosphere throughout the course of the And of course, moosebumps. You can call 1-800-PP5-
Cookin' like a beginner but I'm goin' up in her/ album. "I Can't Put My Finger On It" finds the band 1-doo-doo." All of this set to a hybrid of classical vio-
I had Fritosfor lunch, I'm havin' bush for dinner/ asking "Are you surprised when I touch the dwarf lin solo and sampled rapping - beautiful.
Chef Boyardee & The Three Musketeers shove Charlestone inside?" And Philadelphia's public relations board Keith often raps about women, and not in a
Chews in their rears like queers/t probably had a puzzling time figuring out Ween's ode nice way, so feminists need not apply. But when he's
"Holy Moly, Guacamole," yelled my Chips Ahoy/ to the Liberty Bell, "Freedom Of '76" ("Fairmount Park not telling a patient how he'd like to take her home
I'm gonna pinch a ravioli on the Pillsbury Dough...' boy in the summer/Lookin' good on the and dress her and her friend up in bondage gear, he's
street/Mannequin was filmed at Woolworth's/Boyz exploring the funnier side of disgusting surgery: "Rip
Sex rears its ugly head again on "The Girls II Men still keepin' up the beat.") out your stomach and open rectums to dissect/Shine
Of Porn," which opens with a sample from a porno The band also delights in the idea of suffer- the light inside, roaches crawling in your throat/I
movie about the eponymous Mr. Bungle seeking a job ing little children, a theme they touch on twice before don't have tools, my hammer's gone, my drill is
in office; "We'll talk business later. Right now I want the album's end. "Spinal Meningitis (Got Me Down)"'s broke". He also drops some of the weirdest names you
to make love to your beautiful, beautiful body." Cue verses are sung by a high-pitched kid's voice: "Stinky could think of: Roger from Zapp!, Chewbaccai. and
up the panting and groaning, then radio announcer Vaseline, mommy!/Please don't let me die/Am I Kurt Cobain - at every available opportunity. And if
Patton informing his listeners that "it's time to win a gonna see God, mommy?/Am I gonna die?/It really you think you know weird, check out "halfsharkalli-
chance to butt-bang your daughter's tight virgin cher- hurts mommy!"; "Mister, Would You Please Help My gatorhalfman", which features a sample from the
ry ass to caller number '666!" Immature, yes. Pony?" is another story altogether: Chris Elliott sitcom, Get A Life.
Degrading, absolutely. Misogynistic; an argument Another funny rapper is Prince Paul, the DJ
could be made. Hysterical? You bet! The bass line is Mister, would you please help my pony?/ for De La Soul and Gravediggaz and former member
lifted right out of a porno movie; the lyrics are a lone- He's chewin' bark and not the leaves/ of Stetasonic. Psychoanalysis (What Is It?) (Tommy
ly frat chant from Hell: . He's cryin' like a baby, would you help him?/ Boy) follows the practices of a Germanic psychother-
I think it's his lung apist and his whacked-out patients. If you think a
My hand gets tired and my dick gets sore/ song with an R&B chorus of "it's a beautiful night for
But the girls of porn want more/ I remember when that happened to my a date rape/it's a beautiful night for a kill" is shock-
So I flip through the pages one more time/ pony. Poignant, to say the least. Ween is good at ing, then you're in for quite a trip. Prince Paul sys-
And Ijust let the jizzum fly offense, but The Frogs do them one better on My tematically devastates all of modem hip-hop's sub-
Daughter The Broad (Matador). Clearly a band seek- genres one at a time, and he's as disgusting as he
Don't we all? If you like Mr. Bungle, by all ing to die onstage, The Frogs once played a show in wants to be at every available opportunity. "The
means check out Faith No More - their style is defi- blackface, performing mid-1800's slave minstrels for World's A Stage (A Dramady)" is a take-off on those
nitely different, if no less satisfying. an unbelieving audience. The words awful comics that infest every Russell Simmons pro-
Also see Duh's second album, The "did he just say that?" come up often duction; "Booty Clap" is a house anthem that features
Unholy Handjob (Alternative when a group of people sit down to a team of shrill women chanting "up, up, get it up, get
Tentacles), and Mike Patton's first listen to them, and for good reason. it up!" "In Your Mind (Altered States)" opens with a 2-
solo release, Adult Themes For Voice Just take a look at some song titles: minute dialogue between an old truck driver and a
(Tzadik). Duh features one-time "Children Run Away (The Man With semi-retarded gas station operator, and "Dimepieces"
Faith No More guitarist Dean The Candy)"; "April Fools (He Had is an amateurish shot at old-school hip-hop:
Menta: the record has a 30-second The Change Done At The Shop)"; "I'm
punk cover of the "Three's Sad The Goat Just Died Today"; and I know thisfreak named Bertha/
Company" theme song, an ode to the two-part saga which begins with The town cum-slurpa/
"Pocket Pool," and an all-covers "Who's Sucking On Grandpa's Balls, Ifucked her in the ass 'till she screamed bloody murda/
live track called "Pricks Are Since Grandma Ain't Home Ifya see Bertha/
Heavy." Duh can't really play their Tonight?" and ends with "Grandma Tell her I'm gonna hurt her/
instruments too well, so it's fun to hear them try their Sitting In The Corner With A Penis In Her Hand 'Cause she gave me some shit that my doctor never heard
luck at songs by Green Day, Pat Benatar, and the Little Going 'No, No, No, No, No'". Many of the songs are a
River Band, congealed together in a mass that has all almost violently pro-homosexual, but with a band
the grace and balance of a deformed car accident vic- like the Frogs, it's hard to figure out whether they're That's all the time we have for now. (Getting
tim. While the band struggles to produce something - kidding or not. They did once claim that their name to the bottom of the page, I'm sure you saw that one
anything - the singer gives up playing along and stands for "Free Rebels Of Gay Supremacy", or some- coming.) Next week: more indie Hell with Calvin
spends the rest of the track taunting someone in the thing like that. WARNING: These aren't really songs; Krime, Cosmic Psychos, Mogwai, and Firewater.