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The DC Globe Insider’s Newspaper

The only paper that publishes the hurtful truth

Sport Section: 29 November 2009

DC Debtors Lose Again to New England Teabaggers 47-2!

QB Orak Lombamba sacked 16 times

Our much maligned but beloved Debtors dropped their 15th game of
this season to the New England Teabaggers and are now 0 and 15 on the
season. Going back to last season this is the Debtors 31st consecutive
loss. The DC franchise has not had a winning or playoff team since 1974
when then President Nixon brought in ping pong players from China to
add diversity to the team’s makeup. And now the team is owned by a
consortium of Chinese businesses that are tired of financing the team’s
debt.
Getting back to recap yesterdays ‘game’,- it seemed over as soon as
the Debtors took the field and the Teabaggers were polishing their
spikes which throughout the game they implanted in the posterior
portions of the DC team! The New England team took the opening
kickoff back 91 yards for their 1st score and never looked back.
The Debtors offensive line,-“The Acorn Trust”, could not protect QB
Orak Lombamba all game as he was sacked 16 times, intercepted 6
times and fumbled 8 times. QB Lombamba learned what a tea bag taste
like as he had their logo implanted in his forehead. Lombamba was 3
for 37 for 2 yards which broke his record set last week when he was 4
for 32 and 7 yards with 5 interceptions. After the game Lombamba
stated, “We hope to establish our running game next week against the
Chicago Gangstas and get a win”.
One of the problems for the Debtors were the numerous delay of game
penalties because of the QB’s stuttering and mumbling during his
cadence at the line of scrimmage prior to having the ball snapped. To
alleviate this problem at the QB position the owners are going to install
a teleprompter on center Barney Funk’s posterior prior to next week’s
game. Insiders have noticed that Orak doesn’t stutter during post game
apologies because he uses a teleprompter and thus speaks glibly. This
tool should help him on the field next week. Also center Funk has
invited all the members of the “Acorn Trust” this week to the basement
of his DC residence to practice moving in unison to old disco records.
Wide receivers Nan Cy Lugosi and Anata ‘The Tongue’ Bryant,- the
only 2 women players in the whole Finance Football League (because
they are more man than woman), - caught 1 pass each for minus
yardage. TE Kris Dodo kept promising to block the Teabaggers
formidable pass rush but QB Lombamba found out that Dodo was just
speculating on his chances to block.
HB Tommie Read had 31 carries for 4 yards as the porous line
allowed the Teabaggers defensive front to pour through into the
backfield all game. Near the end of the game he suffered a broken leg
and was replaced by free agent signee Change Hope who on his 1st and
only carry was knocked unconscious on the field. UPDATE: Tommie
Read was unable to see the trainer after the game for his broken leg
because the medical staff has a waiting list and he will not be able to see
a doctor (from Ethiopia) till next spring; He will have it taped up for
next weeks game.
How did the Debtors get their 2 points you may be wondering? With
only 10 seconds left the Teabaggers had the ball and their offensive unit
was laughing so hysterically that when the ball was snapped their QB
took the ball and ran backwards with the rest of his team into their own
end zone and through the tunnel into their locker room thus ending the
game,- safety! That’ll show them Teabaggers think they’re so right all
the time!
We had a celebrity at the game! In the press box was noted radio talk
host and personality Ross Limburg. He attended the game to obtain
some humorous material for his new forthcoming book, “They Call
Themselves Players but We Call Them Jokes”. He was overheard
saying, “I’m so glad I don’t own a team like this one!” But this league
doesn’t need an owner like Mr. Limburg with his crazy ideas of team
and league balance.
Looking to our team’s future we know it looks bleak, - but there is
hope! Ownership will keep increasing ticket prices to pay for our
beloved players and head coach Mac Fannie Mae. One of these days the
coach is bound to put together a winner,-you just gotta believe! If our
Chinese ownership will just continue to support our team’s payroll and
accept our endeavors to try, try, try until we get it left I mean right,
then everything will be oakie dokie!
Next year looks promising as we would be holding the number 1 draft
choice. Talk is that management is looking at potentially selecting a
punter on the 1st round, - a backwards kicker from the former Soviet
Union, Red Holderkov,- nick named “Fish”. And after that? The team is
putting away gate receipts until the 2014 season (players will receive
IOU’s until then) when the team will rise like a dream come true to
millions of fans! But until then continue to wait for the change!
F.F.L. Team Standings
W. L. T. Pts For: Pts Agnst:
NE Teabaggers 13 1 1 479 79
NY Stock Sox 12 3 0 384 165
LA Illegals 9 4 2 303 211
SF Croissants 9 5 1 335 286
NO Aints 8 6 1 277 261
PA Landscapers 8 6 1 301 299
DET Unemployees 7 8 0 273 301
ND Globalwarmers 6 9 0 222 313
CHI Gangstas 2 13 0 192 414
DC Debtors 0 15 0 11 976
Thursday Night Game:
PA Landscapers vs. ND Globalwarmers at Bismarck
8pm
Monday Nights are Bread & Circus Nights on BCN TV!
So watch the game with a loaf while you loaf with us!
Author Frank Nic. Bazsika 2009 ©
Humor in the public interest