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XXIII, Issue 13 "You don't know shit about Star Wars" April 30,2002

I-CON Coverage
pg9s. 3,

Literary Supplement Make a Pirate Hat

Insert pg. 18
US Invades Netherlands!
By Chris Sorochin
"Operation Tiptoe Through the Tulips tar- When some of the major intellects running budget. Part of it was entirely predictable: it would
gets drug-friendly welfare state. American heroes our country these days finally figured out that the deny military aid to any countries ratifying the
rescued from frivolous international tribunal. ICC was to be truly international and might even charter. This is the usual tactic of applying eco-
Collateral damage kept to low ten thousands. try (gasp!) US soldiers and leadership, they raised nomic pressure. The truly amazing part was that
'Another victory in the war against terror'-W." holy hell and said that no way would any US war which would provide authorization to "liberate by
criminal ever stand in a foreign docket. No sir, every means at its disposal" any US troop arrested
Just when you think it can't possibly get they'd be tried in good old American courts where by the I.C.C., which will soon be operational when
any more surreal, something emerges from official they'd be duly absolved of any wrongdoing, just 60 countries have ratified the charter.
quarters that just makes you wonder if you like Lt. William Calley, who commanded the My This conjures the image of a US saturation
shouldn't look into a nice rubber room at some Lai massacre in Vietnam. bombing of The Hague (and surrounding areas)
institution. Perhaps our leadership really does believe and a ground invasion to rescue "our troops" and
The headline above is not true yet it came that US troops don't commit war crimes, but the maybe even an open-ended special forces foray
damn close to being a possibility. How, you ask? evidence is that they do and that those who com- into the Dutch canal system to root out remaining
Well, it's all about something called the mand them and make policy (such as former I.C.C. sympathizers. Maybe we could even bomb
International Criminal Court. This would be a per- Secretary of State Madeleine "The Price Is Worth It" the dikes like the Nazis did when they invaded the
manent tribunal to try those accused of war Albright) knrow and approve of many of these Netherlands in World War II. The German military
crimes, genocide and other crimes against humani- atrocities, which makes them guilty, too. leaders who dreamed that one up were put on trial
ty. It would meet in The Hague, site of many other More likely, US leaders would prefer to at Nuremberg and found guilty, but not so their US
international trials. The court's charter was get away with their war crimes. Of course, they imitators, who did the same thing, with compara-
approved in Rome in 1998 and to date has been don't say this. They say that any charge brought ble casualties in North Korea a few years later.
signed by 139 nations and ratified by 52. against the US would be "frivolous" and "political," Oops, I forgot: North Korea is evil, so they had it
Guess which rogue superpower has not unlike the kangaroo trial of Slobodan Milosevic, coming.
signed and is trying to sabotage it, even though it presently taking place at the moment, also in The What's truly unsettling is that this
was one of the countries originally pushing for it? Hague. Z Magazine ( began a grotesque lump of political feces actually passed
Go on, take a wild stab in the dark. That's right, it's three-part series on the proceedings in its April, the Senate. Are these people on something?
our old friend Uncle Sam. 2002 issue and author Edward S. Herman analyzes Shouldn't there be a test for mental competency
Why, you may ponder, did our leaders in detail why the whole thing is rigged and before one can assume the office of Senator? Helms
change horses and why would they oppose a court Milosevic will not get a fair trial. By some is a certified loon and everyone knows that, but
that would try hideous people who've done horri- accounts, Milosevic, a trained lawyer himself, is what about the rest of them? What's their excuse?
ble things, like those who perpetrated slaughters running circles around the prosecution, but it Fortunately, a joint session of Congress
and rapes in the ex-Yugoslavia or Rwanda, or even won't matter. The Tribunal's mission is to produce (that's Senate and House of Representatives)
those sick fucks who plotted the terrors of 9/11? a guilty verdict. Human rights groups asked this purged what Europeans called the "Hague
Well, the main reason is that the court same body to try NATO leadership for war crimes Invasion Act." Now we're only economic bullies, at
would not be under US control. You see, our in its bombing of Yugoslavia, but it claimed to find least in this regard. But what arrogance! When the
nation enjoys the prestige lent by the rubric "inter- no basis. A NATO official smirked that as long as US says jump, like in the so-called "War on Terror"
national," as long as it doesn't mean that other NATO paid for the court, NATO would never be initiated after September 11, everyone else is sup-
countries would have anything of substance to say held accountable. posed to fall all over themselves rushing to kiss
when it came to making real decisions. The United Newsday had an even more vomitous our ass, but when it comes to something the rest of
Nations was originally such an "international" spin. Placed appropriately in its "Kidsday" section, the planet wants (the Kyoto agreements on green-
body, founded by the US and respected so long as it stated that since Uncle Sam is a cross between house gases, the anti-ballistic missile treaty, reign-
it harmonizes with US policy. When it doesn't, the Superman and Jesus Christ, fighting evil and ing in Israeli aggression, banning landmines, abol-
US simply uses its veto to kill whatever may be bringing peace and goodness everywhere in the ishing the death penalty, etc. and etc.) the US
bugging it, and it uses the veto far more than any world, the possibility of US personnel being tried reserves the right to flip everyone else off.
other country that has it. When the UN consistent- by dirty foreigners would put a crimp in the holy Previous empires have likewise felt that
ly misbehaves, the US throws a hissy fit and does- mission God has ordained our nation to undertake. they were so unique and special and righteous and
n't pay its share of the funding, although it still Meanwhile, back in the Senate, Jesse powerful that they could behave with similar dis-
fully expects to call the shots. Cro-Magnon fossil Helms, after a few jolts from the electrode and a regard for the wishes of others. They all fell.
and US Senator Jesse Helms ("isn't he dead yet?") chalice or two of virgin's blood, was quick to pro-
is the prime instigator of these tantrums. pose and pass an amendment to the "defense"

Pulitzer Winner Owes Everythin t

Pres s, HeSas (-P] us$20 on
By Eric Brand
an in8
Media coverage of the recent Pulitzer at the Press. Scott first appeared at the paper's Competition, and Scott became the first Presser to
Prize winners has been outrageously inaccurate. old offices in Old Bio in its very first year, looking win the coveted Buskin Award. His vision for the
Stories uniformly omitted perhaps the most to pad his resume, speak truth to power, and paper, "to bring the major social issues of the day
important factor in the background of investiga- score with girls. This was a strong indication of home to the campus, in the context of investiga-
tive journalism winner Scott Higham: he is a for- his motivating drives and his questionable judg- tive journalism," inspired the staff and improved
mer Editor of the Stony Brook Press. In fact, Scott ment. But the fact is, he had a knack for news the community - though perhaps his true legacy
is also a former Managing Editor of the Stony and rose quickly to become the first and arguably was the dissemination of important information
Brook Press. And a former News Director. And the most successful recruit of the nascent news- about the Grateful Dead.
a former reporter. And significantly, a former paper. The April 9 Washington Post story about
driver-of-the-staff-to-the-Hi-Lite-Diner-at-2-a.m.- As described in the unofficial official his- the Pulitzer Prize winners explained how
in-his-beatup-Volvo-guy. tory of the founding of the Press, written at the "Higham not only filed one Freedom of
Scott was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for time, Scott was "a blue-eyed blond with the looks Information Act request after another with local
investigative journalism on April 8, 2002, for a and manner of a coffee-drinking chain-smoking authorities, but so charmed D.C. Mayor Anthony
series in the Washington Post exposing the role of Mick Jagger, whose violent rejection of his con- A. Williams that the mayor complimented him
Washington D.C.'s government in the neglect and servative background and whose 'hard-assed- after a difficult interview on his 'cool suit.' " I
death of 229 children in protective care. Prior to ness' managed to provoke coworkers and get the strongly suspect that this is my old sharkskin
the Post, Scott worked at the Miami Herald, the paper through its first year without a founder as suit, which I haven't seen since Scott borrowed it
Allentown News or Something or Other, and was Editor." almost 20 years ago. But that's another story.
graduated from the Columbia University School Scott's training and journalistic experi- Congratulations, Scott. And congratula-
of Journalism. ences were not the only harbingers of success to tions to the all the Stony Brook Press staff - past,
Unquestionably, Scott's meteoric rise come. His year as Editor was also the one in present, and future - who have a share in this
through the journalistic ranks and subsequent which the Press won First Place in the prestigious achievement.
gathering of laurels is traceable to his experience Columbia Student Press Association

Page 2
"He's Free To Co. His Car Stas"
By Aaron Feingold
It was the end of I-Con. Events were did. a civil manner, along with Rob Taiani. The rest of
winding down, performers were packing up. This was not enough for the police. them either refused to utter a syllable, or commu-
There was a general feeling of bored exhaustion Despite the fact that Pete carried proof of insur- nicated exclusively in threats. (For example,
overall, the kind of feeling you get after... well, ance in the car, they decided to keep his plates. Detective Stumph told me that if 1 took one more
after consuming way too much science fiction. Pete demanded that they be returned. The police picture, I'd "be leaving here in cuffs." Needless to
Suddenly, the warm, after-an-orgasm feel- refused. Pete expressed the opinion that Detective say, he did not make good on his threat.)
ing of the gray, drizzly afternoon was shattered by Stumph, by taking the plates with no legal reason, As soon as Pete had walked off with his kids, try-
four police cruisers, sirens howling and lights blaz- Sand
a. .Ll
I. tL,L'-)-14.
I C:

ing, speeding past the Sports Complex. Several return them, h

pedestrians were nearly hit by the less than careful in effect, stolen
cops. license plates. 1
The four cars pulled in to meet a fifth police explair
police car, already stopped. It was a scene out of that all licer
Spiderman as half a dozen officers piled out and plates are st
charged toward a large man wrapped in a bright property, a
red and black sheet, the type of silly, unintimidat- could therefore
ing costume given to one-shot super-villains who taken by the st
will never make a second appearance. or its agents at a
A crowd gathered, partially due to Officer time. They w
Tisdall's shrill cries that there was "Nothing to see merely holding
here." A handful of questions were on everyone's plates to "inve,
mind. What master criminal required seven armed gate".
policemen to subdue? What detestable crime P e t
could trigger such a strong response? couldn't belie
A parking ticket. VA .T 1-
wnat, was going
Pete Cabrera, the aforementioned super- on. "I come out here to help with the convention, ing to find a ride home, the police decided that, as
villain, was actually a performer and I get a ticket. It's bullshit," he said. his car now had no license plates, they would have
at I-Con. He had pulled into the parking lot to It was at this moment that Detective to impound it. Of course, with Pete gone for the
load ("download," as he put it) his gear back into Stumph revealed that he had grabbed Pete's wallet moment, they could not get it into "Neutral" to
his car. Boffer swords, wooden shields, plastic and checkbook during his initial investigation. safely tow it away. Pete'srear wheels spun as they
armor, and large wood posts took many trips, but "You took my checkbook? What's wrong dragged his car onto the ramp, while his front
his car was there for less than 45 minutes. During with you? Are you a moron?" said Pete. wheels stuck, dragging on the ground and making
that time, a 98 pound policeman named Todd -"Nothing's wrong with him, sir," replied- two long skid marks.
Stumph came across Pete's illegally parked car. one of the cops. Onlookers expressed concern that this
Stumph ticketed the car, and then got to work. Several members of the crowd expressed was destroying Pete's transmission and brakes.
The first thing Detective Stumph did was disbelief, saying that the police couldn't do that, it "Man, they're cruel. They're heartless. They are,"
to go through the open window of Mr. Cabera's was illegal. While Detective Stumph was not said Charlie Montbal, a groundskeeper for the
car. He reached in, opened the glove box, and arrested for the theft of Pete's checkbook, he was University. Other grounds workers also showed
removed Pete's wallet and checkbook. Not finding told by other police officers to give it back, and he distress and contempt for the actions of the police
an insurance card, he assumed the car was unin- complied. officers. One man, who wished to remain anony-
sured, and began removing the license plates. Pete explained to the police that he need- mous, commented that "It's a crime scene, but the
While he was working, Pete returned ed to take his kids home. They told him that he only criminal is that cop (Detective Stumph)."
from one His car Another said that the officers' actions were better
a boffer s," said suited for Iraq than for America.
made of c cer Rob One weaselly little fellow, who seemed to
and foam ni. know something about several of the police offi-
Now, The cers present, told me that this was not a mere park-
had jusl lice , ing ticket, but that it had something to do with
Pete's ch( cifically Pete Cabera personally, or who his family was. He
quite cop call- said I shouldn't talk to Pete any more, as it might
Upon se( himself "stir him up." "This guy also said a lot of utterly
bulky Pei fi c e r absurd things, so I wouldn't take his testimony too
ed his w lall (and seriously. It has been included only for complete-
what ar ng the ness, and because it is rather amusing. He asked
to a Nerf ge num- me not to use his name, as he was "connected to a
the 406) also lot of people on this campus," and not to use the
Stumph r eatened name of the organization Pete was at I-Con with,
radio in e times because "a lot of people hate (that organization.)"
and call trrest me Are there violent rivalries between Boffer Viking
backup. taking groups? The mind boggles...
point, Pet ures and Weaselboy also told the police officers that
a good m k ing one of his parents had been involved in the depart-
was beii ,s on the ment, "when Young wasn't as crazy as he is now."
lowed by his two small children, and his costume situation. It was his position that any location At this, all the officers had a good laugh.
was not even supposed to be scary. This was not a within sight or earshot of a car that had been tick- It's interesting that Pete isn't what one
man who looked like he was about to use his eted was a crime scene. Pete, a Marine loyal to the would think of as a suspicious character. Sure, he's
mighty Nerf blade on a cop, even one that had just US Constitution, leapt to my defense, citing the part of a group that likes to dress up as Vikings
taken his wallet and checkbook. first amendment. "He stays," Pete said. and hit each other with homemade foam swords,
It was at this point that the six other offi- Eventually, Lieutenant Tom Clark arrived, at but he's also a Marine who served his country dur-
cers arrived on the scene. It seems that it takes that which point Tisdall shut up, and I was permitted ing the Persian Gulf War, and he has two children.
many men with guns to safely counter one foam to remain, so long as I didn't commit the serious Even if he was part of some extreme fringe, would
rubber battle sword. crime of leaning on the ticketed car. that mean that he didn't have rights? Would that
Pete was understandably upset when he Clark instructed the other officers not to make it acceptable for the police to take his wallet
learned what had transpired. The license plate speak to me anymore, and asked me to direct all and checkbook, and damage his car, simply for
business, he thought, could be easily resolved. further questions to Deputy Chief Doug Little, parking illegally? What does it say when those
Pete went into his car, and emerged with his valid whose job includes saying that the police depart- charged with protecting us are people like Stumph,
insurance card. If they'd taken his plates because ment has no comment on any given situation. One who are not only drunk on their own abuses of
they thought he didn't have insurance, he rea- thing I can say for Lieutenant Clark is that he is power, but also terrified of foam rubber swords?
soned, they'd give them back when he proved he one of only two of the seven officers that spoke in

Page 3
Executive Editor
Editorial Vlad Frants is the .10lPH I aSSn•I

Rightful Voice of the PeopeI misManaging Editor

Daniel Hofer
Polity has already started the 2002-2003 aca- We areiiil
demic year off on the wrong foot. After many hours sure you .didn't Associate Editor
of pouring his blood, sweat and tears into an amaz- realize this until it||.| Katie Sinnott
ing self-promotional campaign, our top man, Vlad was to late, too. In
Frants did not wvin the election. which case it is Business Manager
A man with such high caliber and stature as clear that we all. Diana Post
Vlad Frants deserves nothing less than what he stand together in
humbly asks of his peers. Vlad Frants wanted to be our recountm. News Editor
next year's polity vice president. He did not win. endeavor. This is Bev Bryan
We are more than just sad to report this news not a joke. We
to you; we are thoroughly angered. There is no way
Vlad Frants could not have won the election for poli-
refuse to recognize Features Reverend
the new polity vice i
Jamie Mignone
ty vice president. The Press formally demands a president Natashai":
recount of the votes. Elie. If our recount ,
Many readers will say this is just another one aemanas are not
Arts Editor
Adam Kearney
of Tfhe Press' foolish attempts at getting attention. We met, we will stage a coup d'Eitat..With the thousands
however are not the only one to come to this conclu- of Stony Brook students behind us, we will instate
sion. Many students agree the voice of this campus Vlad Frants as the rightful heir to the vice-throne of Photo Editor
has not been accurately represented. We received an Sarah Stuve
email from Press reader Lucas Cary. Cary states he If you are not angry at thisobvious conspir-
"had flashbacks of the palm beach ballot," citing, acy against our young prophet, you should stop Coppey Editter
"inconsistent coloring and ordering of choices." playing Uno and move out of the cave you are living yup
Flow many other readers noticed this when they in. The majority stands with us when we say Vlad
voted? Cary says, "I didn't think about this until Frants is the just and fair voice of the people. We will reProduction Mngr.
after hitting submit." not rest until he is the leader of this student body. Dustin Herlich
- -- -- -- Webmaster
- Latter: Reaction to Intefada --article Steve Branrien
I read Walter Moss' piece re: Intifada with a bombers' families get hefty rewards from Sadam
queasy feeling. Not because Mr. Moss's opinions differ Hussein, a man whose power depends on the continuing OmBUDSman
from my own but because he has made no effort to pres- strife between Israel and Palestinians (as long as they are Brian "Scoop" Shnieder
ent both sides of the story, thus leading an uninformed fighting, the US will not be able to build a solid coalition
reader to false conclusions which do not advance one's against Iraq. As soon as they stop, Sadam is history.) So
understanding of the situation. I am not writing to debate for Mr. Moss to propose that Israel is fighting against
Mr. Moss, but only to provide additional facts which Palestinian teenagers without discussing the outside fac-
Tim Connors, Wendy Fuchsberg, Chris
shed more light on the events. tors that contribute to the violence does not do objectivi-
Genarri, Jonathan Gelling, Rob
In the first paragraph, the new rage of Intifada is ty justice. Gilheany, Glenn Given, Phil Grandin,
said to have resulted from Sharon's visit to a mosque, I can go on and on debunking Mr. Moss' article - Cory Grimes, Roger Harrison, Joseph
which the author equates to Bin Ladin taking a poopie on for one, finding the most extreme quote from a Jew (on a Hughes, Jody Jarvis, Gregory Knopp,
the Statue of Liberty. It's an oft-ignored fact, however, Palestinian website) and attributing that sentiment to all David Knuffke, Andrea Leeson, Brian
that Sharon discussed his visit with the Muslim authori- Jews and the entire people of Israel, is nothing short of Libfeld, Rich Mertz, Walter Moss,
ties in advance, and they gave him permission to come malicious bias. But instead, I want to conclude this Ceci Norman, Thomas Osbom,
and speak. Furthermore, I don't see the relevance of the already long letter with my personal. opinion. Israel is a Andrew Pernick, Michael Prazak,
Bin Ladin analogy: American presidents speak in church- democratic state, even if it fits Mr. Moss' agenda to call it Derrick Prince, Chitra Ramasubbu,
es, synagogues, and mosques all the time, and no one "quasi-theocratic." Its citizens, for the most part, are peo- Glenn Roth, Ross Rosenfeld, Tyler
sheds blood over it. As such, it's hard for me to see how ple like you and I. They do not want to kill Palestinians, Schauer, Albert Scott, Chris Sorochin,
Sharon's visit is a legitimate reason for the violence. or to control them. They just want peace and safety. You Chris Stackowicz, Debbie Sticher, Doug
Sounds to me as if the extremists have spun the event so" can blame them for electing Sharon, but you can also -I
Williams, Robert Wong, Rich Zimmer
that it enraged people and renewed support for more recall that they elected the peace-striving Rabin only a The Stony Brook Press is published fortnight-
attacks, rather than the visit itself having been meant to few years ago. When he was murdered, most people ly during the academic year and twice dur-
ing the summer intersession by The Stony
do so. Of course, this is just my opinion - but it's one were horrified because they believed that peace was the Brook Press, a student rmun and student fmund-
formed based on more facts that Mr. Moss cared to pres-. way to go. What has made the people's attitudes change ed non-profit organization. The opinions
ent. since then? Could it be they elected Sharon because they expressed in letters, articles and viewpoints
do not necessarily reflect those of The Stony
saw that Rabin's and Perez's attempts for peace did not Brook Press. Advertising policy does not nec-
do much to diminish the violence? Could that be directly essarily reflect editorial policy. For more
related to the fact that foreign entities infest Palestine and information on advertising and deadlines
call (631)632-6451. Staff meetings are held
use it for their own goals; much like Al Quada was a pox Wednesdays at 1:00 pm. First copy free. For
on Afghanistan? For what it's worth, I believe that the additional copies contact the Business
Palestinians are much the same way - they want to live, Manager.
be safe, and prosper. The only difference is that the mod- The Stony Brook Press
erate Israeli majority has the power to silence the extrem- Suites 060 & 061
ists in democratic elections, whereas moderate Student Union
Palestinians have to fight an uphill battle against those SUNY at Stony Brook
who wish to destroy Israel, even at the cost of continuous Stony Brook, NY 11794-3200
(631) 632-6451 Voice
suffering of their own people. (631) 632-4137 Fax
-Ed Markovich zoww77..7sress.orr

Page 4
- --- -- --
m Letter:- Thouahts On Blackworld. The II
Press -s s Racism
an1 -- Hacism
I am an editor at the Bard College student newspaper, The Free Press. vative. This crystallizes when Rosenfeld quotes the following as an example
For several years The Stony Brook Press staff have been kind enough to send of Blackworld's racism: "[Mumia Abu-] Jamal's case is a demonstration of the
me copies of their.paper. I am writing in response to an article printed in the machinery of repression wielded by the capitalist rulers against any perceived
April 1st issue of the Press, written by Ross Rosenfeld, on the subject of anoth- threat to a system based on the exploitation of the many by the few, which in
er Stony Brook campus paper, Blackworld. I am sure that there has been and America is rooted in the forcible subjugation of the black population at the
will be no shortage of responses to a piece that suggests that a minority stu- bottom of society." For one thing, I would hardly be surprised to see this sen-
dent-run newspaper lose its funding by referendum, and so I intend to keep tence written verbatim in any number of Press opinions pieces, or distributed
my remarks brief (whether or not I'll be able to do so is a different question). on a pamphlet at a protest at which the majority of those present were white
I speak, primarily, as a member of a student publication which must con- college students. Which is not to suggest that whites cannot say racist things
stantly face issues of racism and student voices and, secondly, as a simply about whites but rather to question Rosenfeld's apparent singling out of a
stunned, if not to say outraged, reader. minority-run newspaper for engaging in a comment by no means limited to
I would first like to thank the Press editorial board for running a minority presses.
prominently displayed response to/ disclaimer about Rosenfeld's piece in the What Rosenfeld does, effectively, is to take an accusation of racism
same issue. I agree with the Press that any article submitted, provided it does made by a black speaker and-perhaps because he finds himself in some way
not libel or present factual inaccuracies, should be printed. But I am also glad addressed and threatened by it as a white male-attempt to disarm it of its
that an editorial intervention was made that showed a degree of sensitivity in power by calling it racist in turn. What is troubling here extends far above
the face of an incredibly complicated situation-a sensitivity that seems and beyond any raceological paradigm, as it provides a powerful example of
frighteningly absent in Rosenfeld. oppression and censorship in general: in a weird turn, hegemonic interests
Rosenfeld's article is, at best, poorly researched and weakly argued. appropriate 'politically correct' or 'liberal' tropes of resistance (in this case, the
In his supposedly shocking examples of Blackworld's 'racism'--examples concept of 'racism') and redeploy them against that segment of,.the popula-
which, in the absence of any sustained argumentation on Rosenfeld's part, are tion whose resistance they wish to repress or silence. Rosenfeld displays an
supposed to 'speak for themselves'-I see little to justify his alarm, or his intense and chilling xenophobia: Blackworld is threatening to him, it seems,
scorn. One example Rosenfeld offers of Blackworld's 'racism' cites an article on simply by virtue of the fact that it has a voice that expresses opinions differ-
Israel's relation to the World Trade Center attacks. As far as I can tell from the ent to Rosenfeld's own. The issue of racism does not even need to arise! As
section of the article quoted; the author's argument was directed at Israeli for- far as Rosenfeld is concerned, 'Racism' (and 'segregation' with it) is merely a
eign policy with regard to Palestine. Surely Rosenfeld will not argue that the word that he misunderstands and the ambiguity of which he exploits.
rhetoric of the 'war on terror' and the justification of state violence against Engaging in some extremely problematic and unthought-out racial
other states that 'harbor terrorists' has been picked up and employed by politics, Rosenfeld becomes, paradoxically and against his own intentions, the
Israel, in potentially abusive ways, in the recent pressures (to put it very mild- best example against the de-funding of papers like Blackworld. He seeks to
ly) that it has placed on Yassir Arafat and the Palestinian people. Moreover, diffuse or mask his own racism with a facile and vapid reference to "a world
Rosenfeld will not argue against the assertion that white and black thinkers of people, within which it does not matter whether you are black of white."
alike have focused their attentions recently on the implication of Israeli for- Such a world does not exist, Mr. Rosenfeld, except in the minds of idealistic
eign policy in what happened on September 11th. Perhaps Rosenfeld is unfa- fourth-graders and slightly less sophisticated bigots (choose your camp). In
miliar with the writings of Edward Said, but he has probably heard of Bill this world you will have to learn that there are black people, and that for them
Maher. Now, the more general case might be made that with this shift in the issue of their race has been made to matter, and will continue to matter,
attentions a pervasive Western anti-semitism has found a way to engage with very, very much.
and undermine a long-lasting American pro-Israeli stance, but this is certain-
ly only part of the story, and at any rate, not the argument made by Rosenfeld. Jonah Weiner
His article is, at worst, offensive, callous, and insidiously neo-conser- Bard College

aic < .etter: Od Ed
e. tter: am t

Would it be correct in saying that you do not intentionally submit Thanks a lot for sending the issues - they look really good. I particularly love
your editorials for press release anonymously? Is this a gratuitous all the names in the staff box- hope you're set for the summer and next school
oversight? From reading a most recent one that overstates the obvi- year.
ous on the most confounded level of (perhaps) a 5th grader "Priests
How the heck is April 1 -- Vol 23 issue 1?!
Should Not Rape Little Boys," I imagine anonymity is a certifiable
Stony Brook Press ode to Pontius Pilate washing his hands clean of
How about that Scott Higham! Scott was editor when I joined and he taught
moronic filth. me a lot - plus he was really cool.

Thanks! Definitely deserved to be the first Presser to win a Pulitzer prize! Let's do a
special issue!
-Phil Schuessler

I hope Eliz and I get out there soon to check the place out. Keep up the good

Joe Caponi SB Press '82-'85

Page b
- Tobacco Is Whacko""Exerts Sa...
By Joe Filippazzo
Contrary to popular belief, the Javits companies began public relations campaigns and were located next to high schools and they
Room on the second floor of the Melville Library intense lobbying to thwart the government's regu- stressed the importance of catering to teenage
is not just a front for the mob anymore. In fact, lation. Also, they focused their efforts on advertis- smoking patterns and attitudes. My personal
just last Wednesday, April 10th, a discussion for ing to assure their customers that it was as safe to favorite was one quote by an RJR Tobacco Co. rep-
NYPIRG's new book, Blowing Away the Smoke smoke as ever. On April 14, 1994 the CEO's of the resentative. When asked what age group of
Screen: The Case Against ven largest tobacco youngsters was being targeted, the rep responded,
Big Tobacco, took place mpanies stated "They got lips? We want 'em."
immediately following the ider oath that they The question that follows is how to curb
very shady firearms sympo- elieve that nicotine underage smoking. Thus far, the most effective
sium entitled Cartels and not addictive." course of action is raising taxes on cigarettes. The
Coke Induced Rampages: inny how these were not very serious smokers, the ones with traces of
What Every Person Should e same people who will power, will quit right off the bat. The more
Know. nt out memoranda dedicated will prevail until taxes are raised again.
Speaker and co- their employees This subgroup of youths is composed of the kids
author, Michelle Stern, Lcouraging the that squander their weekly allowances and sacri-
began by asking if anyone :ploitation of the fice their baseball cards and Biore pore cleansing
present was a smoker. Idicting trait of strips for 20 blissful trips to flavor country. After
Intimidated and frightened bacco in order to these customers are eliminated, a select, yellow-
by the orator and her extra- aximize profit. This, nailed, asthma ridden few remain. Taxes are
neously gargantuan note y friends, is very raised again. We are now at the point where it is
cards, the smokers in the ;ainst the law. cheaper to have bronchiole cancer surgically
room slinked down into The next topic implanted in the survivors than it is to purchase a
their chairs and rather Big Tobacco's soft pack of unfiltered Camels. Our young smok-
unsuccessfully attempted to 3ception was their ing friends are no longer carded because their
hide their ashy scent and tempts to buy off the dependence has given them the 62-year-old-home-
nervously darting eyes. "It's )vernment. One inci- less-wino-having-a-very-overdue-midlife-crisis-
not your fault!" proclaimed nt included a certain but-doesn't-want-to-talk-about-it-look. What's in
Michelle! She says that rge tobacco distribu- their wallets? Nothing... they traded it for a pair
we've been duped by Phillip r's very generous of Capri 100's and an empty Winston box to sniff.
Morris! We've been swin- id purely philan- Underage smokers begin selling their school-
dled by RJR Tobacco Co.! ropic (nudge, nudge) books, retainers, and grandmothers for a fix.
For over 50 years, we've mation of $25,000 to (Those with particularly unattractive grandmoth-
been nela captive as Niew YorK ztae gover- ers are forced to loiter outside bars and smoke dis-
dependents in the mindless ensemble of faceless nor George Pataki's once secret "Inaugural carded filters off the pavement.) The truth is that
victims caught in Big Tobacco's vicious web of Account". Pataki was potentially a very powerful people, especially kids, will smoke no matter
deceit! Not to mention the fact that many of the ally to the industry in passing legislation to over- what. I don't care how big your goddamn "We
tobacco companies' actions were illegal in addi- turn anti-smoking ordinances. As we have seen, Card" sign is. As long as I can put some dirty car-
tion to just plain shiesty. Ms. Stern's talk covered the lobbying of the tobacco industry is used pri- cinogenic plant in it, roll it up and light the far
the four main ways these companies broke the law marily to get the government off its back. This is end, I'm good.
and what can be done to remedy the situation. all grand and swell so long as lobbying expendi- This really isn't an anti-smoking article
The first transgression of Big Tobacco was tures are reported. In 1995 however, about though. It's an anti-Big Tobacco article. For all of
their cover-up of the obvious health issues gener- $443,000 was not put on record. Although the our smoking readers, I repeat... It's not your fault.
ated by smoking. "In 1953, secret meetings were guilty were punished in this case, they basically If you aren't a reader of the Press, you deserve
held by tobacco executives to discuss how to had to throw the government a few grand and cancer.
respond to the growing scientific evidence that pinky swear not to do it again. Oh you funny lit- I felt that Michelle Stern's talk was one of
smoking caused lung cancer." The companies tle State Commission, you! This is illegal too, but the most interesting I've been to in a while. I got a
themselves discovered this proof of tobacco's abil- it's small potatoes in comparison to targeting free book, some funny pictures and a few scary
ity to wreak havoc and basically kill everything youth for cigarette sales. statistics out of the deal too. It was great that I
that lives. Usually when a company finds out that The companies of Big Tobacco are not stu- was able to be informed as well as hear some clas-
its product addicts and murders thousands on a pid. Let's go over the facts. Underage kids buy sic one-liners from Ms. Stern such as, "It's not just
daily basis, business tends to be a bit less than cigarettes. Tobacco is in cigarettes. Tobacco is a lil' bit of litigation if you're being sued by
lucrative. What do you do then? Lie about the addictive. Most smokers start in their early teens. Spain!" All in all, NYPIRG's a group of right cats
whole thing! Lie as if you were the fat kid in It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out, pal. (that's good) and Blowing Away the Smokescreen:
kindergarten sitting amongst a heap of empty When asked if they marketed to youngsters, The Case Against Big Tobacco is a quick, eye-
brown baggies, wreaking of assorted deli meats, Phillip Morris in particular stated that they do not opening read. Next time Michelle gives a talk, I
claiming that you "don't know what happened to favor smoking by kids. Internal Revenue reports recommend attending. Just don't point out the
everybody else's lunch." In response to their said differently. The companies seemed pleased to burrito stain on her pants. She hates that.
potentially detrimental discovery, the tobacco find out that sales were highest when accounts

Page Ia
Deatfh by Cheese Steak or Train
By Tim Connors
"Doc's Deli's got banging ass shit!" is a Perhaps if he had given up the bottle not following their program, so it's no surprise
quote from a teenager in the parking lot of the things would have been better for him, but I that it's not working for me. It's not the toughest
Acme supermarket I used to work at. I tried the found that initially things don't change all that program in the world; it is pretty simple, but not
cheese steak there, and it was banging. For those much when one stops drinking. It makes me sad always easy.
not familiar with this Philadelphia delicacy, it is that Jim died by his own hand, and that he was The idea of being seventy years old and
thinly sliced steak on a hero roll, with cheese and that miserable in his life. It would be nice to think so miserable that I commit suicide by jumping in
fried onions. that he went to a better place, but his suffering has front of an oncoming train is not something I
Eating food like this on a regular basis surely stopped. would wish on my worst enemy. It's a sad way to
maybe why my unhealthy cholesterol is sky high Jim was in good health as far as I knew, end an unhappy life that might have been better
and the healthy stuff is non-existent. Doc's Deli is even after years of drinking. I'm not as fortunate without the booze.
- . .Ci . A ... . _ . - . -L T _A -- ,"L1- - -. 1-- -. I . . .. .!N . ..
across me street irom Acme, anC next to I con t Know now long my liver
Danny's bar. I broke my streak of sobriety at will last, and I'm not even drinking
Danny's, and have struggled to put together nearly as heavily as I did in my
sober time since then. early and mid twenties. If I went
The last time I was in Danny's, an back to that pattern of drinking for
old guy named Jim, who I knew from the six or seven hours a night I'd have
supermarket, was in there. I asked him how Swiss cheese for a liver before I
his sick brother was doing, and Jim said he knew what had happened.
had passed away. In the Acme, Jim used to The weird thing about alcohol is
say I had some nerve to remind him of his that some people can drink their
sick brother, just because I looked like his whole life and not run into health or
bro. any other problems. It doesn't seem
Jim told the same jokes over and like I'm one of those people, but I
over again, but I didn't mind since he was still act like I am, and that's starting
up beat and bagged his own groceries. Jim to catch up with me. I take medica-
was a drunk, and it probably cost him his tion to control mood swings and a
family, since he used to get kicked out ot his since my liver enzymes came back high trom a depressant like alcohol puts me into a funk for a
house, and the only way to get in was to show up recent physical. This is probably from drinking while, so for me it's a lose - lose situation.
with bags of groceries, which were full of newspa- while on medication, and I'm only thirty. Life can be tough, and adding a depres-
pers so they looked full. Even if my health held up for another sant to that can lead to emotional lows that make
I was in Acme again to go shopping, I forty years of drinking, that party lifestyle would some people choose to kill themselves. I've known
quit the job there two months ago, and there was get real old quick. Plus, it seems like I always end people who give up drinking for years, and end
an article on the side of the register that said Jim up drinking alone in a bar, full of people that I up killing themselves anyway. It seems to me that
had jumped in front of a train, resulting in his wouldn't want to talk to anyway. It just seems that stopping drinking can add years to a person's life,
death. He was 69, and I didn't find out who sur- I can't give up drinking. but the quality of those years is up to the individ-
vived him. I'm in a twelve-step program, but I am ual to improve.

Soooo...W-addya You Wanna Be When

- You Grow Un?
By Joanna Wegielnik
Two years out ofcollege and once again, I position, a paralegal working in the Lien myself out of it. I have two more bloody weeks at
find myself in a job that totally sucks. And it's real- Department of Weitz & Luxenberg, P.C. Don't ask my job and I'm done. In desperate need of some
ly difficult to say that because my previous stints what a lien is. Trust me, you really don't need to or sort of reprieve from the last two years, so I'm
sucked beyond imagination! I think the worst was want know what a fucking lien is. going to Spain and Greece for about a month, and
working as an "admin lady" at Stony Brook. That Like I was saying, my job s-u-c-k-s and I when I come back, I will start teaching math to lit-
was definitely a personal low for me and only now, quickly realized that unless you go to grad school, tle kids in the Bronx.
can I laugh about it. Previous to that, I worked in a life after college is nothing but misery, bills and I applied to this program called the New
wicker import company, "R.G.I" in Woodbury, unimaginable debt. Did I happen to mention that I York City Teaching Fellows and got in! They will
which made wicker products (home furnishings am a political science major? Oh, almost forgot, pay for my Master's Degree, get me a teaching job
type of shit) in their very own sweatshops in the there's one more thing to look forward to: taxes. in Sept. and pay of almost $10,000 from my under-
Philippines and Hong Kong. R.G.I. then sold their They will tax the shit out of you if you don't have grad loans. In exchange, I agree to teach in a
wicker crap to a company called "MarrMaxx." any children or property to write off. This type of "SURR" (School Under Registration Review) for
Marshalls and T.J. Maxx are the same thing for complete disillusion is exactly what most college two years. SURR schools are the ones where most
those who didn't know.. So anyway, they sold graduates go through uw the students fail or do
them all this wicker, oh excuse me, the correct you're really lucky or wv ry poorly on the state
word is actually "rattan.". I lasted three weeks at smart. I have one friend indardized exams every
R.G.I. Before that, I worked as an got a job as a shipmate on i takes at one point. Most
insurance/immunization checker (for lack of a bet- rich businessman's sail the SURR schools in New
ter word) at Columbia University and that wasn't and they sailed all arc rk are in very poor areas
so bad but I was commuting all the way from Port South America and Asia. II the Bronx and central
Jefferson so it was pure hell. 4 hours daily on the two friends who joined ooklyn. The idea behind
LIRR is too much for anyone to bear so I quit that Peace Corps and are currn e Teaching Fellows is to
job too. in Africa. Two others are ir ing people from other
September 11 happened, and the whole school. If you don't plan al Ids into these schools. It's
world changed in 30 minutes, the economy you will end up in a cut really good program and
crashed and I couldn't find anything for weeks twiddling your thumbs, tt r a two year commitment,
except my old high school deli job that paid cash. ing, "what the fuck happi u get a free Master's
On Sept 11, I actually had an job interview at the to the dream?" egree not to mention
Museum of Natural History which would have Let me save you u'll be doing something
been pretty cool but the World Trade Center was tears and time. BEFORE arthwhile.
destroyed, they closed the Museum down and sent graduate Stony Brook, fi We're too young too rot
me home. One week later, the Human Resource out what the fuck you're g( ray in fucking cubicles.
chick called to tell me that the Museum's budget do because if you don't, >ok into teaching. Go join
was frozen and they would call me back. Never will end up doing 9 to 5 in e Peace Corps. Travel
heard back from the Museum of Natural History porate America. This )und the world. Do some- that brings us up to speed on my current pened to me and I'm ge ing with your life.

Page 7
A Stony Summer's Eve
By Glenn Roth
-"Summer is the time when one sheds over 100° F. After asking why, we were told that of those students being tested was broken due
one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right the heater was on a schedule, which cannot be to the screaming of the masses. I do not mean to
kind of day is a jeweled balm for the battered changed. I would like to hear them tell that to offend those who participated in the walk; I
spirit. A few of those days can make you to the next student who suffers heat stroke. merely use it as an example.
believe that all's right with the world" (Ada As the light turned to darkness, and the Maybe the answer to this problem lies
Louise Huxtable). When the days are hot, and temperature dropped down to the mid 70's, one in the hands of the University. I propose that
the nights scream for enjoyment, what is one to could not ask for a more beautiful night. The "No Loitering" signs be constructed in our
do except play? The laughter made of whiffel clear skies made it feel as though we were living Quads. That way we can be sure that we are not
ball, the happiness caused by good'company, in a fairy-tale. The cool breeze swept over our welcome in our own homes. If we are going to
does life get better? Is there anything that can bodies like water flowing down stream. This be treated as delinquents hanging out in front of
ruin the simple pleasure of good weather? The was a perfect time to sprawl out in the grass a public library, why not decorate our buildings
answer is yes, and the villain is Stony Brook. and stare at the stars. Once again, we were able in the same fashion. If this will be the case, I
The recent weather has been the great- to relax in the company of friends, encompassed also ask that pamphlets describing the new poli-
est testimony of hope I have seen on this cam- by the splendor of the night. Everything was cy be produced. This way, prospective students
pus in two semesters. People who don't even perfect, until the police came once more. The planning to attend Stony Brook in future semes-
know each other were gathering for a friendly words spewing from their mouths were the ters, know the torture they will be subjected to.
game of Ultimate Frisbee, while others just same ones we had heard earlier in the day, "Go The spiteful words in the last paragraph
basked in the magnificence of the sun. All this back to your rooms, there are too many people are not meant to be taken seriously. They are
happiness was too much for Stony Brook to han- outside." Again I question, why is this so bad? merely sarcastic, caused by the anger I have felt
dle, and the Police were quickly dispatched. We Does the happiness of a few students jeopardize due to the situation. As a hard working student,
were being told to go back to our rooms because the good name of Stony Brook? I believe that "down time" is a necessity of life.
there were too many people outside. Since when Perhaps it is not that at all. Maybe we It is what keeps us sane in times of immense
was this a bad thing? Or maybe as Stony Brook are only to enjoy ourselves at University funded pressure. I fail to see the incentive behind the
students it is our duty to live our lives in the events. You don't see the Police breaking up actions of the Authorities to try to take it away.
seclusion of our dorm rooms? Too bad that was- "Take Back the Night," even though it was They should stop trying to rule the lives of the
n't mentioned in the College brochure. twenty times more disruptive then a small students, and start worrying about our health
Once inside, the "real fun" began. The group of people sitting on the grass. Those who instead. The day a schedule of a heater is more
temperature outside had peeked to over 900 F, • participated in "Take Back the Night" marched important than the well being of 400 students is
yet the building heat had not been turned off, themselves right past the Chemistry building the day I resign from the human race.
making the average room temperature to be where exams were going on. The concentration

_ __ __ ___
L- s -- Me And Shirley
I c I
By Jamie Mignone
Yep, I had some lunch with the president acres overlooking the water. It's gonna be pen." Shirley Strum-Kinney thinks that the state
and asked her a few questions. There were other Shirley's new house. "Will students be able to use assembly will never pass those bills. Then they
people there in the SAC cafeteria lounge upstairs, Sunwood for functions and events?" Madame totally set Shoop's couch on fire and put it out
all eating quiche with Shirl. Partoi. Some folks president says that it will be available for with the contents of his fish tank, fish included!
wanted to address the prez about some unre- "retreats, concerts, and fundraisers." Make note of "Do you think that Candace DeRussey's
solved problems, of which several had been taken this, for we will have graduated by that time. comments on African-American Studies reflects
to other administrators to no avail. Buzzkill. The Then Chainsaw had this nightmare where he the mindset that a SUNY trustee should have?"
food was free and the mood was cordial, but I couldn't remember anything. Rad. (DeRussey might as well have a rebel flag tat-
was constantly distracted by the television in the "What effect is the investigation of tooed on her forehead.) Shirl changes shape again
background. On this television was the classic Computer Associates having on the construction in response and says with a smile(?) "I'm very
80's comedy Summer School, which would be the of the Charles B. Wang Asian-American center?" proud of our African Studies department." She
greatest production of the decade, but for it's dis- This question was responded to with a horrible failed to give any character assessment of
tinct lack of John Cusack, it is not. twisting of the face into the shape of a question DeRussey. She's kinda her boss, so she ain't
Shirlev-so-fashionable arrived eighteen mark and a iudee exclaiming, "You were a black talkin' smack at this juncture. Chainsaw then
ave's declared, "You gotta keep one arm free to put
nber around the babes," during his road test, much to
his instructors dismay. Bad ass.
)le- "What do you think about the results of
*r the Princeton Review, which shows Stony Brook
all?" students to be among the most unhappy students
re no when compared to other universities?" According
rm to our dear chief executive, the results of those
Tryear. surveys are out of date. However, the Princeton
Louse Review's up-to-date website rates Stony Brook
ke the with a quality of life score, on a scale of 60 to 100,
irt- with a 74, which is poor, and it's poor right now.
in an Then the pregnant girl went into labor during the
as a final exam. It was wicked cool.
iga "How do you feel about the fact that 53%
PD of students surveyed by the Press could not iden-
." tify Afghanistan on a map of the middle east
ing to which depicted Afghanistan in a different shade
ataki's and marked it with a big A, while the US was
)sed bombing that country?" "That makes me want to
ncial cry." Haha, they just put on that horror skit to
I scare away Shoop's replacement. You know that
its?" part where the one guy eats his own fake eyeball?
Vy Right, so Shirley blames the lack of geographical
,ystal knowledge on American high schools. She praises
ill the campus's diversity, blah-blah-blah...dude,
ays it's Wondermutt rules. I like the part when he gets his
lot chew-toy back from the ocean while Shoop's
onna totally makin' out with Kirstey Alley. Mint.
Reasons you
didn't goto

10 Restraining order
Q. Your Mom locked the base-

pending too much time

SPurple cape did not come in
.. I
-- I

_ I I
Blue-Tean Mysticism
-- a,
By Diana Post
I-Con. If you've read this far, you know or "negative." All these characteristics belong to amethyst, because she finds that unhappy spirits
that a part of this issue is dedicated to the only red and black cards respectively. Once you have often beset her. She told the audience about a
campus event that ever occurs. Although it may decided on a color, try to determine if the card is large amethyst geode she purchased several years
come as a shock to most people who, like any per- "pointed" or "rounded." Pointed cards are dia- ago, which she carries with her to all of her read-
son of good sense, flee this campus faster than cult monds and spades, rounded are clubs and hearts. ings outside her home. When the amethyst pro-
members after comets. One weekend out of the Are you psychic? tects her from harm, pieces of it will change color
year, Stony Brook is peopled with elves, fairies, In drder to balance herself before a read- and break off of the rest, and she said that what
. ^- , ., , C 11 C . ^ ^,
sa once aIlI 1u0L
1 IUtl lUco
ninjas in bathrobes, fleets of Mega-Men, storm ing, Psychic Debra medi-
troopers, and even someone called Filthy Pierre. tates by sitting straight anc now mere inches wide.
Another denizen of the I-Con crowd this tall on a chair and aligning After her lecture was
year was Psychic Debra Margolin. In Javits 103, her chakras, places in the ,er, Debra took questions
Psychic Debra explained to a small group about body where energy gathern )m the people in the
her capabilities and afterward gave a small and spins. She says that in idience, which varied in
demonstration, telling people about themselves order to give a good read- pic. She was very clear
and giving them advice for the future. She told us ing, she has to be in a neu- id concise with her
that she is a clairaudient, meaning she hears tral state, with all her iswers, and showed that
things, and something of a clairvoyant, that she chakras spinning in the ie was down to earth
sees things. Dressed simply in jeans and a red same direction. She places espite her job. She dis-
and white striped sweater, Debra shared her view- her feet on the ground and nins psychics who are in it
points and opinions on many topics concerning imagines her chakras and r the showmanship, like
psychic abilities. rights them according to hn Edwards, saying that
She has, in fact seen dead people - once or whatever direction she ie mysticism that sur-
twice. A spirit of a young man appeared in her- wants them to be turning. >unds psychic abilities is
closet to her not long ago. She says that after she Another subject urely man-made. She also
got over the initial shock, she asked him what he she discussed was the phe- Kpressed frustration with
onle whon claim nsvchic
needed, but he merely looked at her, turned, and InomenaoIILt I dl purojectuon,
walked through the back wall, into her daughter's which is the idea that you can leave your body abilities they do not have, which she says makes
room. Several seconds later, she heard her daugh- and go elsewhere, you can see and hear things her job that much harder.
ter yelling for her, saying there was a light in her many miles away. Debra claims that she once pro- After the question and answer session
room. Because of this experience, Debra says that jected unconsciously, and found herself in her was over, she walked around the room giving
she thinks her daughter inherited some of her then boyfriend's house, where she saw him in bed mini-readings to ten or twvelve people. The read-
ability from her, but she doesn't know much more with another woman. She says that he saw her ing that stood out most was the second one, a
than that because the girl is still very young. and leapt out of the bed, and then she woke up in young-man that after a few seconds of holding his
She says that all people are surrounded her own bedroom. Thinking it was a dream, she hand, Debra told him he needs to go back to
by spirits who guide them through life and help got up and went about her business until her school and stop slacking off because he's going
them in different ways. She herself has several boyfriend called her up later apologizing for what nowhere. He looked very shocked. Debra told a
spirits, some of them she described to us. One, she had seen. woman to get her car repaired, and asked her why
named Jacob, was apparently a stargazer thou- She briefly went over various parapher- she couldn't hear that awful sound coming from
nalia such as tarot cards, rune stones and Ouija it.
sands of years ago, and has given her a love for
astronomy. Another spirit saved Debra from boards, saying that they are merely tools and not Psychic Debra does not advertise, saying
windows to psychic ability. She prefers to feel on that she prefers word of mouth for people to find
being struck by a car at an intersection by pulling
her out of the street as a speeding car streaked her own the answers that her clients seek. One out about her, and she will visit the homes of her
through the red signal. tool that she does use however, are quartz crystals. clients to read for large groups and parties. Her
Debra also outlined some psychic exercis- She says that she often sells or gives them to presentation on the paranormal proved very inter-
es for those who think they might have the gift. A clients who feel they are beset by spirits that mean esting, a nice change from turban sporting Miss
good way to exercise is to place a deck of cards on them harm, or who need healing. Because the Cleo's surrounded by candles and cheap plastic
a table and put your hand on the top card. Try to quartz crystal is an all-purpose stone, she prefers beads, staring blankly into a glass ball until they
feel whether it's "warm" or "cold," in your solar it over crystals that perform very specific func- can invent something to tell you.
plexus, whether it's "light" or "dark," or "positive" tions. The only crystal she uses besides quartz is

Sunday. M .ay 5


0A. C40


Join us in the fight against cancer.

Register today!
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It was Monday. I was have been badly damaaed, yeah,.he was a great guy,
tired. I was lying thlere cpv- vou're constantfy bleeyding even in his last minutes he
ered in white sheets asking from inside. The only thing didn't think selfishly."
myself to figure out why we could do is walt to see if It's all about your
this happ.ened to me. It's any organs become avaI•l- appearance; nobody cares
not the kind of questioning abl.e for a transplant. The what you have to sav as
that sugcests, "Why not thin is with your body con- long as you look good.
somebod else?" It s more stantlv bleedi'na like this You ve never seep a crucifix
of the ki d that inquires as you have no more than with a Jesus who wasn't
to where did I screw up, three days. I'm really sorry. almost naked. You've never
what if I didn't hit the We would like to get in seen a Jesus with bad skin,
brakes. touch with your family to or one with body hair,
Back up to the ni ht have them here as soon as &lways thin and muscular.
before. I had just lef tmny possible." On ev ry crucifix Jesus
frieni's house its late, th.e What I feel is shock, could e half-naked model-
road is dark and the foa is fade to pain, fade back to ingf Calvin Klein or Tommy
pretty thick, can barelly me feelina sorry for m self. HiTf aer.
see tte hoo'd of my own car The feelirg isn t fear but ,Il want to leave looking
so I slow down... suddenly a it's the onfy word that aood but I can't. Now the
flash of light hits my ey.ed. comes to rnind, How I fe.el iext best thing is looking
No, no screeching about my life right now, is like a good guy. How I feel
of tires, just a flash of how you feel wnen yo r at the mome"nt isn't empty
white light, fad to red.
Fade to black. STOP.
reading a book and al0 of a but ve» t\meenough. I
rinn'tit's close for enr
I come to. I'm in a t, no tire
wreck; three cars. were kV divina or travel
involved. My car is com- to
1 see ff in any way
pletely smashed. I look up, II make me more
trom the dashboard to find te, no time for a airl-
my windshield m.issing. I a Ifamily, a wife a'bd
see the other driv.ers don't o time for a new
seem to be sufferina much and dryer this is the
damage mostly shock, with aterial means of sal-
the exception of a boy. His I have left. This is
chest seems to be a.lmost enting at my
completely torn to pieces. ed, this is me qvit-
He's scared and crying, iokinag a. ter getting
Iving there on the $ide of ancer. Give me sal-
the road. le must have i throuah sin. Fuck,
Iflwn straight through the ot everf an endan-
windshield of one o the d species. Don't I
cars. My instinct is telling bad now, even the
me to get out there and ale has more right to
somehow help him, to be than me.
the hero, but I can ie doctor continues,
move. I look down a air onically your heart
and see that I'm com petely ems to be the only
cover9d in my own blood gan that was barely
and it s still po ring o.ut.of maL aed, can be
me. There is a huge rip in pairYed by minor
my side and my inTestines Itching of the
seem to be all over the pas- alves. I scribbled
senger seat. The medical own, "Are you hinting
journal that was me is laid t something?" I start
out all oQver the front two linking ,again, does
seats of m car: I'm the 1is ki deserve to
centerfold Mr October /e? What will he do,
straight out of the medical re cancer .be a doc-
journals., Some how I man- crack addicted pros-
mu rccrcr cr hild
age to find the stren th to t LI I I Uk C ILI I I 1UI I L ) •I
crawl out of the wrec k that the most important detail, molester I don t even want
used to be my 89' Chrysler
reliant. Fade to black, I col-
lapse on the road, the pain
of the b.ok.
most likely even the point
Spick up the paper and
to know. Fuck it what's,
more. important to me right
now is redemption. I know
is too much to handle. write what about the boy. It's fucked up, but this kid
Flash of bright light The doctor s.eems puzzled is my only means of saving
again, only this trime i bv my ,questi.on he asks, myself. Fade to black. Faae
doesn"t fade to red I open "Who?"'The boy that was badck, my eyes are almost
my eyes see a man in1 lyina on the side of the all the way shut. I hear the
scruts standina over me he road. he was about five or doctor yelling, "Quick the
says, "Son, canf you hear six, f write. " Oh, his heart rest off is o rans are
me?"' He sta nds quietly for,, is badly dama ed he was going, hurry the fuck up.
a moment than continues., I less fortunate han his par- My sentiments exactly. Fade
have some bad news... MHe ents, he's probably not to black. It ends up the lit-
pauses, "I wish I could say goina to make it throuah the tle runt bastard ended op
that you were pretty Iucky, Hight." I pick up the penci.l dying before me, and sin.ce
but you weren't. Your iaw- and beaih to scribble amain, we had the same blood tis-
b ne was completely ripped what are his blood andTis- sue type I end up living, he
oef- you will not be able to sue types. The do tor does t. Only one thoig ht
speak. If you need to com- reads carefully and says crosses my mrind: F LK. I
municate use this," he "I'm retty sure it AB posi-,, was this close to deliver-
points to a .pie e of aper tive fthink same as yurs. ance, now my plaque is
and a pencil Iying on a tray "How's my heart? I. inside ,me whereQ no one
next to me. I CK them up ask on paper. I'm not being can. fpckin. see it. Its back
and write, "W at's the good altruistic here or anythin. ,, to living lire always doubt-
news?" He reads but contin- really I.don't give a shit if in that what your doing is
ues speakingq without some kid I've never met ri ht. Always feeling liKe
responding, You probably,, lives or dies, but this is for in udicious after anything
can't fe ! vour leas either. me. The little part in me that even resembles a
I write, did ,,u ampu-
vW/y that w ants a plaque, a stat- ma or life decision. I'll
tate my oth r arm?' The ue or for that matter any- sp re you the story of how I
doctor gives me a sad smile thing to have me remem- made it to Stony Brook. but
and corTtinues "I don't know bered ,by. I don'tgive a fuck between then aid now 1 was
quite how to say this, but how lived my Iife. Iljustt an alcoholic for a while.
most of your vital organs want people to say, "Oh That didn't help.
He felt a lump in his throat, realizing the ever so As determined as he was, he would tell everyone off, Now let me be honest, it'll only make it fair.
Precious passing of time - He'd dance so hard 'till his legs were ready to fall off.
The year was coming to a close, and all that was left,. Tonight was his night to finally go all out, For those who've been reading, you're ever so kind,
Was this magical night, in which he would shine. That is, to show everyone what he was all about. But I must admit that this story is actually mine.
Dreams and desires of putting everyone in a trance, The audience stared into his face as he looked up There's nothing more breathtaking than a bullet to the
Seconds away from having the world watch him dance. above, brain,
With t.he clock ticking away, he felt his body go numb. 'Cause it was the only way I would ever again be sane.
He stood behind the curtains, trembling with dread, He felt the anxiety grow, as if he was teasing them all, How sweet was that feeling of ecstasy for me,
Felt the beating of his heart with his hands full of sweat. Crowds gathered around each other, wall to wall. When I let the entire world know what it meant to me.
Not too long before he'd be the one on stage, He felt a flash within his mind, as his brain throbbed
Breathing heavily, he travels into a journey of rage. more, Yet the impulse of pain brought me back into reality,
Moments of torture and past memories galore, The audience was growing impatient, of this he was As I began to think about my lost future, endlessly.
He felt as if he was everyone else's burdening whore. sure. I did what I did for reasons I cannot understand,
He reached within his pocket, twisting his fingers inside, I hopelessly took my own life with the gestures of my
He recalls the moments he was cursed, till his This was it, he decided - there's no looking behind. hand.
Eyes were so wet that they made his tears all burst. It's amazing how your friends can forget you easily,
Sticks and stones had broken his bones in the past, He saw his brother in the front row, his friends right Because all that's left of me is a dust-covered memory,
All the verbal abuses for him were made to last. beside,
Yet he was just moments away for the world to see, "And they've all come to see me.," he said as he cried. To prove my case, you must hear the rest,
The magical event that would turn him into a celebrity. He knew that he vould be worshipped after all this, And then judge me if you will - this I do confess.
After all, that would be the answer to his wish.
He heard the loudness of the crowd, the excitement To be known is one thing, but to be accepted is another, By the time the bullet was about half way through my.
Of everyone was filled with screams & shouts all around. He looked again in the direction of his dear brother. skull,
And theh came time, as his name was being called, The whole point of my actions had started to feel dull.
Crossing his fingers, he hoped tonight won't mark his And just when the wait couldn't get any bigger, At that time I wished I could have turned back time,
fall. He pulled out his gun and let go of the trigger. But instead falling short of breath, I instantly died.
He walked upright as the applause suddenly stopped, Pointing towards his head, he didn't even bother to Though I carried out my dream in my very own way,
With silence so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. think, I got the world to notice me, at least for a day.
'Till seconds later when his body lay dead with its stink. And even if I do not have anything more to say,
He goes into a deep state of mind, as if he went blank, Sad part is, no one had even let out a single moan, I hope I was able to take your breath away.
All eyes fixed upon him, he was so sure of that. In fact, the only last whimpering voice had been his own.
With all 600 of them studying his each and every move, I may no longer have anything to tell,
He needed to start his groove, and needed to start it Minutes went by, as everyone cleared out of the room, And so I bid you this farewell.
soon. The janitor soon came in with his mop and his broom.
He took one step forward as another thought came in, Those that were shocked still continued to talk, The End.
This is the night, he felt, that he would call his win. And those who didn't care were the first ones to walk.
They cleaned up the body as if it were never even there,

a singer without a song, of me. i fear for my life that i'm i was too busy sipping my own
a dancer without a tune, beginning to believe this lie, when tears that I never even got to see my
is like a poet all alone, all of it is only deceit. i feel i've sky in full blue. who knew that loving
no paper, no pen, no moon. been blinded by those that myself would be the hardest thing
once promised to stand behind that i could ever do?
why? .av.. .
for all
. . a....

why must i spend countless hours it's as if i have forgotten how to

asking myself what this world means this is not what i want to be. smile - as pleasure is something i
to me? am i so handicapped that i have yet to experience, all the while.
can no longer express the feelings the way i have changed, and the in my best effort to define the true
my heart makes me out to be? way i have grown, give me more meaning of me, i feel that my words
the reason as to why I feel so alone. are the only things that make me free.
have i really lost true sense it's a shame that my passion for
of who i am because my dreams the truth has yet to create sparks - and this is what i want to be.
want me to be something that but it's even a greater pity that my
i can never be? poetic desires have given me a life i guess it's the poet inside of me
that's silenced by dark. that realizes i've lost the only true
i turned myself into a prostitute, sense of myself. indeed, there's
for i saw only what the world had this is not what i want to be. nothing more depressing than a
wanted me to see. hooked ever so human being, whose last resort
tightly against my desires, i failed why? is talking to himself.
to listen to the true voices in my why should i even consider
head - those that proved the true. suicide as my means of escape? as a poet i still search for the moon,
existence of me. as much as i would like to punish i wish upon the stars that i find it soon.
myself, i cannot blame my body my paper and pen may already be gone,
i wonder if the image i see in for my mind's own rape. yet my poetic desires will forever live on.
the mirror is really a true picture
All systems go. The countdown mazelike alleyways of the underground straps a battery into his pressure gun, and
begins. All thirty of us are wrapped up in colony. I ducked and dove and scampered begins to walk slowly towards me. I stop. A
snug, elastic hammocks. The persistent and through tunnels and sewers for hours trying localized pressure gun sends out a stream of
subtle humming of the surrounding engines to avoid him and now, looking back, I could air condensed to the point where it can effec-
grows more intense. An attendant rushes see he was still a few blocks behind me. My tively rip a hole through me an inch wide at a
around triple-checking our harnesses before pulsemeter starts to beep and flash red. The distance of ten feet. I decide it's time to hide.
scampering out through the stripe of a door word "relax" scrolls across the screen of my
that had begun to seal automatically. Grim watch. How did everything go so horribly Safe in my spacesuit, I step off the
smiles are all around. Crowds rally on our wrong? Problems were a thing of the Earth landing platform of the Exodus onto the exot-
behalf in the distance. I clench a smooth and I had gone through great efforts to ic, violet desert landscape of the third moon.
hunk of green crystal in my right hand. It was assure that they would remain there. That The gas giant, Trexia, appears huge and
a rat, that bastard! How dare he destroy my menacingly near in the sky. It's said that a
gift. Starter jets ignite. The ship heaves and great vision. If only he didn't have that blast- small projectile launched from the surface of
I drop the rock. Four, three, two....eyes ed gun I might have a chance to destroy him the moon would head straight there, rather
close, mouth widens. Liftoff. as well. My only chance is to get him out of than falling back down. I feel uncomfortable
the dome
"You're a murderer," he screams, and out intc
waving a localized pressure gun in the air. A the alien
yellow sun sinks between the distant moun- atmosphern
tains and casts gigantic shadows that stretch I begin to
towards the two lonely figures like claws run towards
across the violet desert. I nod my head the nearest
solemnly in agreement. "And so are you." portal and
he's right
I wake up and somebody tells me it's behind me.
been forty-two years. I have absolutely no Arms arour
idea what this means. I'm steaming and my neck ar
covered in wires, which some familiar kid in a gun to m)
pajamas is ripping off me without restraint. head, I lunc
"It's your shift," he says with a self-satisfied to the floor
grin. That doesn't sound good. He hands hoping to
me a printed sheet of paper and it takes me shake him
a few minutes to regain my focus. It's off. He
addressed to someone named Mike Daneel, doesn't los4
but it's also from this person. It reads: his grip anc
Good Morning Mike, we roll
I thought since waking up would be very across the
disorienting and that I was in a very delicate situ- packed, pur-
ation that I should give myself a little reminder. ple dirt until I lose all my energy and resign to looking at it for too long. I see my girl in her
We, that is the crew of Exodus 1, are due to my deserving fate. A minute passes locked spacesuit across the bright, sandy field. She
arrive at the habitable moon of Trexia in sixty- in this deathly embrace. "Lets take this out- makes a great number thirty. I run to her and
seven years, that is traveling at forty percent of side," he says eventually and drags me off embrace her, forgetting only for that moment
the speed of light. You probably do not remem- the ground. I am led to the exit portal of the our vow not to exhibit our affections openly.
ber this, but you will. The key thing is that you (I) colony's fragile atmospheric dome with a gun
do not mess anything up before you do remem- at my back. The shadows envelope us, and our
ber. I was scheduled to be part of the forty-sec- helmets reflect the cold, blue light of crescent
ond team to awaken and maintain the ship for a It's the seventh month of the lonely Trexia overhead. "So, I am," my enemy
year. The teams consist of three people, which shift on the Exodus when I find her gemstone admits, "but I didn't start this." "It isn't my
the computer selects. I trained with all of them in lying on the aluminum-mesh floor next to my fault alone," I respond indignantly, "We were
Antarctica. Don't worry about anything. There's hammock. Everything floods back through in this together."
a one in ten chance she'll be on the team. If not, my mind and I rush to the hibernation pod. "Then you shall die as well," says the
paradise waits on the third moon of Trexia. And Wrinkles line her forehead and I wonder what shadow of a face encased in glass as he
try to stay away from his friend. she's thinking. The rock is cold in my hand raises his weapon level with my skull. I
-Yours Truly, Mike and I cross my fingers. My shipmate hap- notice the pressure of my love's green stone
I shudder and crumple up the letter. pens to see this, sports a lopsided grin, and against my gloved fingers. Without a second
The boy shrugs and helps me out of the says, "Check out number 11." I stare at him thought I smash it through the faceplate of
freezing pod before leading me towards two blankly before moving down the line of cylin- his spacesuit. The oxygenated air supply
other, older crewmen who are sipping coffee ders. On the way I pass a pod displaying the fumes outward into the vacuum and his eyes
off of plastic tables and staring wide-eyed into face of a man, which my eyes are unexplain- bulge in an insane grimace before his body
their respective computer screens. I ably drawn to. He was married to an old drops to floor. So I have won.
approach meekly and mumble, '"Hi, my member of our crew, the thirtieth member, the
name's Mike, I think." They look up quickly, one I poisoned in Antarctica so that my love I walk into the alien desert alone in
show some small sign of recognition, and could join me on a new world. the night, unable to return to my colony for I
quickly return their eyes to the screen. No have murdered an innocent and will surely
use now, with temporary amnesia and forty I find her lying on the floor of her cubi- face exile. Well, at least I am not completely
years of cle bedroom. She is dead. He must have alone before my. death. I have you, my won-
history to catch up on. There would be plen- seen us together, drawn his own conclusions, derful .crystal in front of me, who gladly listens
ty of time to talk. and enacted some vengeance upon her to my story.
while I was away. Now nothing matters. I
He must have been using an infrared race to the Dome Maintenance department to
scanner to follow me so perfectly through the confront him. He sees me approaching,
Reading poetry Chunks of nasty fat Do you have .D.?
to women will get me laid By-product of modern life I don't have it with me, man.
English majors suck Pass me a spoon, please No Saint Ides for you

Fuck the damn landlord My lord Porcelain Lather my peach hair

We don't have to pay the rent You receive my gifts of praise Soft skin will lick easily
cause we're communists Home to Valhalla Juicy gardening

Hey indie rock guy Spray drool on my cock

Youfre just a little weenie My part wants blow-loving
Why donft you fuck off? I shot miky cum

Q; If there was a fight, Bare, pink silhouette

Palestine or Israel? Smooth finger investigates
A: Who's got bigger guns? Tongueing luscious butt

Dishonorable Mad puppy luster,

Discharge has two meanings when Sordid experiment with sex
You fuck your sergeant Like metal screaming

I need your clothes your Incubate through chocolate

Boots and your motorcycle There, sausage felt almost rigid
Arnold finds a friend Sweet love used most latexly

Stony Brook makes me Productions boring

Think about killing myself It hurts but needs to be done
I live on campus Kind of like blood tests
Evil Olsen Twins
Jesus has these holes Both 65 years old now. I-CON makes me puke
That go through his hands and feet Strange, you won't die though Fat girls should not wear chain mail
Bet that really hurts Can't wait 'till next year
You crazy bitch, you
Super Mario Delusional, psychotic I need a haiku
Fights the king of the Koopa The name you own: cunt It does not have to be good
Bowser is his name It's for the paper

Oh putrid, festering, rank, vile, odious, vat of nasty

fast food grease- how I detest your existence. You
are the reason people grow old and die. Nothing
compares to your wretchedness; I want to smear
you on a bun and sell you to the devil. I want you in
the shape of a person so I can squeeze your neck
until you fall to the ground dead. You should be lit
and fire and burned, with all the smoke saved in
some big balloon to be buried twenty feet under-
ground. I think of your chunks of fat floating ina
black paste of used fry oil and Iwant to bang my
head on a railroad spike.
Every evening at 6:30pm families came Edge got home, ate a late lunch/ early dinner, something... Yes, my parents are good... Oh that's
together, businesses closed for a half hour, the nation 'and got changed for work. He looked at his parents sit- nice... Listen some crazy things are going around
stopped still. Everyone watched the most popular tele- ting across from each other, not saying a word, but their here... Well it seems people are being brainwashed by
vision program of all time, N.U.P (National United eyes were fixated at each other. He then grabbed his a cult... Not a cult 'cult', more like a TV show... That NUP
Program). A government run TV program that ran with jacket and keys and said: "Well, I'll see you later. I'm show... No I don't watch it... It's stupid, anyway every-
only a few commercials from the armed forces. going to work." one who watches itthat Iknow is changed from it... Kind
Everyone watched, not because it was intellectually "OK Honey. Have fun" His parents replied of like you... Where am I? Click.
stimulating or a patriotic thing to do, it was because monotonely. 'Shit! He's been NUP'ed too. I need a few
everyone was strangely drawn to it. "Yeah, I'm gonna smoke some crack and kill- drinks, quick." Edge thought as he sped away in his car.
Johnny Q. was the host, the most famous TV a hooker after rape her." A usual Friday night at the bar, well usual for
star ever, with catch phrases such as "I'm down on As usual Edge restocked shelf, helped help- the last six months. People of all types sitting, drinking,
that!" and "I'll take five tacos and a large Pepto-Bismol!". less customers, with his distinct trademarked boarded talking about NUP, all except Edge. Edge sat back
Everyone thought itwas hysterical. Except for one man expression on at work. Edge wanted so much more out drinking his beer, followed by a shot of Jameson. He
whose synapses in his head were mutated and worked of life than this. He knew he was destined for more than pounded down quite a few in his first half hour there.
differently than ours. All he saw on TV was a bunch of just being a clerk. But he kept on working everyday Chris and Sam showed up. Edge thought "Well at least
gibberish and corny jokes. knowing that graduation was coming up soon, and as Chris is normal still."
"I swear Sam, that shit is like mind control", usual, or the usual for the last six months, the store "Edge, What's Up! Ithought you were working
Edge Smith remarked. closed at 6:30pm and everyone bum rushed the TV to till ten?" Chris said as they did the proper handshake
"Hey! That's an ugly Internet rumor!", Sam watch N.U.P. Except for Edge. He sat down on the reg- that Sam forgot earlier that day.
snapped, "Sorry Edge. I just hate it when people talk ister counter and read some Vonnegut, Kerouac, or "I quit today. Walked right out. My boss got in
down about NUP". Joyce'as he usually did for the half hour. His boss, Mr. my way and I threw him into a display rack."
"I thought you were smarter than that horrible Weasaly, finally noticed Edge wasn't watching the "Holy shit, Man! What happened?" Chris
abomination of a show", Edge commented. show. After the show was over, he confronted Edge. asked
"It's a good show! Just watch it once and you'll "Edge, I've noticed something disturbing "Well he told me that it was mandatory to
be hooked too", Sam said.- about your behavior lately)" His boss said. Here comes watch that fucking retard show NUP." Edge said loudly
"I've watched it before... It is just crap", Edge. the lecture. 'You're not engaged inactivities with your co- and was heard over the crowd.
said, "Anyway, where did you go this weekend? We workers. anymore. I haven't seen you at our monthly "That show is great. Ithink ifyou watch it,you'll
were supposed to play ball, but you were nowhere to bowling night the last 2 times, and just noticed that you love it." Chris said.
be found". never watch NUP with us anymore." "That's what I told him." Sam added.
"Oh... Uh... You know I hate playing baseball", "Well, Inever watch NUP and I play ball every "Did somebody just say NUP is 'Fucking
Sam answered. Sunday night." Edge rudely retorted. retarded?' A big biker type said very loudly over the
"Since when? You played four years varsity in "Don't you want to be a team player? I know crowd.
high school and you set up The Sunday Game'. We've you want to be one." There was a silence over the crowd and
been playing every Sunday night during the spring and "If watching that crap show is being a team everyone was in shock.
summer for the last five years." Edge replied. "You feel player then... No!" "He did! He did!" Sam yelled pointing at Edge.
alright?" "Fine then! I'm making it store policy that "You bastard!" Edge yelled at Sam as the
"Yeah. I was just messing with you about everyone must watch NUP! So you have, to watch or Neanderthal approached Edge with the look of death in
baseball." Sam said. "I wasn't around because we got, you will be terminated on the spot!" Mr. Weasaly yelled. his eyes.
a call that my grandmother died." "Then Mr. Weasaly..." Edge said as he took off "You're going down, you hippie beatnik!" The
"Oh shit. I'm sorry, I didn't know." his apron and nametag. 'That show is moronic and Biker yelled.
"No she wasn't dead... It was a... Uh... mix up. only stupid fucking retards like yourself watch it! I quit "Yeah. You Anti-establishment. Commie!"
Some other lady died at her old age home." Asshole!" Sam added.
"Ok." Edge questionable said, "Well Igot work Edge threw down his work paraphernalia and Edge clocked Sam with a-strong right hook
in an hour and I got to get ready. I'll see you at Billy's head for the doors. and Sam fell down infront of the Biker and Edge ran for
later?" "Wait you can't quit! And certainly you can't the door. As he ran for the door, a swat team busted in
Edge went to shake Sam's hand in there nor- say unkind words about the NUP, You crazy hippie with a handful of FBI agents. They grabbed Edge,
mal fashion of shaking hands and a few wrist move- beatnik!" Mr. Weasaly yelled. threw him down, and held him at gunpoint.
ments, but Sam didn't seem to remember their shake. "Hippie Beatnik? Where the hell did you get "That's the guy!" A skinny man in a cheap
"What the fuck is up with Sam?" Edge thought that? Sounds like something from an old sitcom rerun." dress shirt and tie pointing at Edge.
as he walked to his car. "He disappears for three days "From the great words of Johnny Q. He talks "We got you now, Public Enemy #1!" FBI
and then comes back with a really lame story and he about you crazy reefer smokers!" agent Rob Flanagan said to Edge. "Thank you Mr.
doesn't remember anything!" "Reefer? No one has called it that since the Weasaly. Youve done your country a great service.
Edge hopped in his car and headed home. As 50's." Edge said. "Why dont you call me when Johnny Take him away!"
he drove his mind began to ponder what was going on. Q. gets up to What you talkin' 'bout Willis?' or 'Dyno- "I've done nothing, you brainwashed fuckers!"
It wasnt just Sam. It was the people he worked with, mite!'. Now move out of my way you corny bastard!" Edge screamed as he was dragged away by the FBI.
neighbors, other friends, even his own family seemed Mr. Weasaly blocked the door. Edge grabbed The room was dark, except for a bright light on
as if android clones replaced them. his five foot four, one hundred and twenty pound body Edge's face. He felt woozy as he awoke. He noticed a
"Am I insane? Everyone is changing around and tossed him into a magazine rack. Edge then smiled metal contraption strapped to his head.
me. Am I the one growing distant form everyone I at him and left. "So Mr. Smith, You dont like our little pro-
know? No. I'm straight. Everyone is whacked out! But "What you talkin' 'bout Willis? ... That's a great gram?" Astrangely annoying voice said from the dark-
why? What is the cause of all this... Is itthat fucking TV one! He should write for NUP." Mr. Weasaly thought as ness.
show? Everyone who watches it seems to have a he laid in a pile of magazines with Johnny Q. on the "You cant do this to me! I know my rights! This
cultist obsession with it. Hell, my boss who wouldn't cover. is illegal imprisonment!" Edge yelled as he noticed he
close the store even during that blizzard last winter Edge grabbed some drive-thru and ate it in his was strapped into a chair.
close the store for a half hour every night for a half hour car. He thought about calling up Rob Flanagan and let- "Well, We make your so called rights and now
to watch it.And he loves money and also wants us to ting him know what's up with this madness taking over you have none." Laughed the voice.
do something even if business is dead. But they all this town.1 "What the fuck is going on?"
cram into the break room and watch the retarded show, Edge went to a pay phone and dialed: seems you are part of a
"I'll tell you soon. It's
while I just sit there and read. I got to talk to someone "May I speak with Agent Flanagan please ... .00005% of the population that is not effected by our
about this... Hm ... John's buddy, Rob Flanagan from Tell him is Edge Smith. He is a friend with my brother.
it program." The voice said.
high school is inthe FBI now. Maybe he knows some- He should remember me ... Yes I'll hold... Hello... Yeah "Yeah. I guess I'm not part of your target audi-
thing. sorry to bother you at work Rob, but I got to tell you ence."
too." Johnny yelled as he punched the bound PUBLIC ENEMY# I ON THE LOOSE
Edge, who fell to the floor still strapped to the FBI warns concerned nation
chair. "No respect. Now that I have your atten- Washington D.C. (AP)-- FBI sources
tion, Listen and shut the hell up! You pose a released a statement this morning at a press
threat of blowing our cover, so we can do two conference that the most dangerous fugitive of
things to your kind. Kill you or send you off to all time has escaped federal custody last night.
"Oh! And you're a wise ass too!" The war. What is your choice?" Five unnamed FBI agents were killed in the dar-
voice replied. "Turn up the lights, please." "You really got my balls in a vice grip. I'm ing escape.
The lights came on and the room was not going to let you kill me." Edge answered. The evil Edge Smith, murdered the five
filled with military dressed guards with guns, "Well soldier, Welcome to the army." agents in a drugged induced rampage. Smith is
doctors, and the most popular TV personality of Johnny Q. said as he saluted Edge. "Doctor, pre- also wanted for espionage and terrorism. Two
all time. pare this soldier boy for shipping out." nights ago he was arrested for viciously assault-
"You are trying to break up the fabric Two MP's untied Edge from the chair ing his former boss, who is still in critical condi-
that our 'new' great nation is made up of." and picked him up. Johnny came up to him and tion, and for insighting a riot that left the down-
Johnny Q. said. hugged him. town area in a fiery blaze.
"Who the fuck do you think you are?, Then he whispered... "Make me proud. He covered his malignant life by pre-
The President?" Just like your friends." tending to be a college student, but at night
"No. But we control the puppet strings... "I'll get you..." Edge yelled as he' was planned terrorist activities to destroy the fabric
of The President, Congress,' and the whole free dragged away. that our great nation is made up of.
world. Yes. And when I say world I mean it. Soon "Now try to relax as I insert this chip in When interviewed his parents stated:
we will have control of the world!" your head." The doctor said as Edge awoke "He kept his activities hidden from Lis and then
"So you use NUP as mind control to?" again and he looked up to see a fully mirrored he would speak of illicit drug use, prostitution,
"To control society and recruit new sol- room. He was in army fatigues and his head was and rape."
diers in our war." Johnny Q. said as he took a shaved. He also noticed a stinging sensation on The FBI and CIA have posted a five mil-
drink from his coffee cup. "You are supposed to his forearm. He glanced at his arm to see it lion dollar reward for the capture of Edge Smith.
say 'War? What War?' Haven't you ever seen a branded with a barcode and an army seal of Newly .appointed Head of Terrorism,
James Bond. movie before? Anyway... We are approval above it. Robert Flanagan stated: 'Edge Smith is armed
waging a secret war. We successfully conquered Edge thought to himself, "Great now I'm like a and considered extremely dangerous. He is
Central America and parts of Brazil. Now we are piece of merchandise being put on a shelf." wanted dead or alive."
at war with China for territory and natural The Doctor approached with a scalpel in Smith's whereabouts are unknown, but
resources. We've replaced our 'drafted soldiers' hand. there is a countrywide manhunt out for him.
with androids." "Hey Doc, Can I tell you something?" Flanagan also added: "We will get our man.
"You fucking bastards! You sent Sam to Edge said. Edge, give yourself up. No one will believe your
his death!" Edge furiously yelled. "Sure, Son." hippie ramblings."
"And your buddy Chris just got sent out, "Come closer..." The search continues...

i am tired this burning city grace and sleep

of airplane highs a sweet metaphor mix
and cloaed
g eyes day like today,
on like the slow crawl
and fiyeTire hour if you enjoy of the Mississippi.
flights loathoin
eating acid the will oftod, does anvone remem-
to su due and beina livid ber that night?
and enflame the stiff with the tought i pretend the rhythms
airport air. of Him. as if i may one day
i used to take a yel- remember them
low Vill i want tQ tell her, i crashed his car that
one hal hour girl,
before landing even if you d worn into everything night
so i wQuldn't shke pants i saw,
when i kissedyour or armor popped all four tires
face, or almost nothing, at once.
he'd have found a we laughed and
i used to think of you. way. swore
and now only thrdugh open mouthed
the airports, they always find a almost pretending i
the swtirlng roads, way. was still
ohl alive.
the silence of this i wQnder
scene. when i'll throw i uncrossed my legs
out the clothes i was bumming nickels
i am tired raped in, off of oid men
of humid highs. or why they melled on the gambling boat
and vyet so human when we
i miss your swampy burned
knees, them. did that night even
your need, happen?
your lack of me. this is my
winter. grace aand sleep
i won't be as sick mix
as this sick like our drug red
secret. conclusions,
on the other side
of his un oing, but better
i'm ok. than you
and the flu
if i close my eyes on a rainy afternoon
against od.d mad
memories, if i quote rimbaud
some niahts will i be normal
i can smell rnew twi- enough
light for this misery
in my skin.
tonight i can't rest
this night is really
The sword feels heavy in her hand. their swords at her throat. Wishing she knew effort and
Each swing is weaker than the last, yet she which way her sword went, she raises her some
continues to swing. Matted red hair covers hands in surrender. patience on
her green eyes. Even if she could see well Lord Aron quickly steps into view your part."
enough to cast them her spells would be carrying a set of manacles in his hands. She "I an
empty as devoid of energy as she is. had little choice, but to let him place them listening."
"Give it up Colleen! You can't hold on her wrists. The two soldiers lift her to her
out much longer.' She looks up towards the feet only to find that they too have aban- "There is life
new sound as her attacker's pause to let doned her. Now almost limp in their arms within me,
their lord speak. He is sitting there as the dizziness begins to wash over her. The children by
majestic and cocky as the first time she saw last thing she sees as she slips into uncon- the Aron
him. scious-ness is the battlefield littered with and myself.
The thunderous sound of approach- bodies. Every last one of them died by her I ask that
ing horses pulls her from her studies. hands. A slight pang of guilt hits her as her you keep
Closing the book she was so engrossed in eyes close of their own volition. them female
only moments before she goes to the door. When she finally regains conscious- and ensure
Opening the door to the small cottage she ness it brings with it the wonderful amnesia that they an
sees cause of her interruption. The lord of of waking up. one look at the iron and silver Winters
the land, his seneschal, and four soldiers bracers Focked to her wrists is all it takes for Born. Keep
acting as guards await he exit. The lord and her to remember. Looking from the bracers your part of
his seneschal dismount the soldiers do not. to the room she notices a guard is sitting in the bargain
She studies both the lord and his the corner by the door. The door is directly and my life
seneschal before speaking. The lord is in front of her bed and other then the chair and that of
young, barely into his twenties if that. His and the bed the room is bare. The guard my husbanc
attire only serves to further his youthful leaves the room when he notices that she is are yours to
appearance. His shirt is frilly and blue serv- awake. Lord Aron is with him when he claim within
ing no other function than that of decoration. returns a few minutes later. He hands the an hour
His brown hair is cropped short in the royal guard a coin, probably gold but she can't after their
fashion ending just before eyes of the same tell. birth."
color. "You have done well. Wait outside I "You
His Seneschal is more functionally may have need of you soon." He turns to enter into
dressed. The muted golden browns of his her. "Did you enjoy your nap?" "I'll never this baraain
uniform are contrasted by the bright blue marry you! I'd rather die first!" of your own free will?"
sash symbolizing his lord. He is older than' "Sadly no, you are of no use to me "Yes. "
the one whom he serves, which does not dead. As for your first statement it is futile. "On your honor as a Winters you
help the youthful appearance of the latter. We are already married, for the law states swear to uphold your end of the bargain?
"To what do I owe this honor my that the Lord may chose his bride." "Pretty III do. 11
Lord?" convenient law." "Then you have your bargain." The
"Lady Winters, the noble Lord Aron "I think so, although I cannot claim blue flames succumb to the same fate as
wishes to ask for your hand in marriage."- credit for. This next one, however, is mine. the ones they replaced leaving her in total
"I am flattered of course," she replies No women can refuse to have sex with her darkness.
formally. "I have, however, posed a chal- husband." For the next nine months Colleen is
lenge to all potential suitors. Whoever can "If you think-" remains at Lord Aron's keep. For all practi-
best me in both sword and sorcery shall "That is precisely what I think!" He cal purposes she is a prisoner, a well treat-
receive my hand in marriage as his reward. cuts her off. "This is going to happen ed prisoner, but a prisoner nonetheless.
"Lord Aron the Cowardly, the man whether you like it or not. The only choice Servants see to it that she is comfortable
who has to send an entire army just to sub- you have left is do we do it the easy way or and in the best of health, while guards see
due his desired bride." The attackers, sol- do I have the guards hold you down until it to it that she does not travel far from her
diers, chuckle at the retort. is over." room.
"We all know that you are no ordi- "With a marriage comes vows and if Lord Aron visits her often, assuring
nary woman, you are a Winters, that makes you do this I vow: your lands shall soon be her that she will grow to love him. Each day
things entirely different." lacking both lord and heir. No, I do not con- that he visits her she smiles knowing that it
"Submit to my challenge then. I'll sent, nor will I comply with vile law." is another day closer to his death. She tries
even make it easier for you. Best me at the "I assumed as much. Guards!" to enjoy the ever fleeting time that she has
blade, right here, right now, and I will agree The guards rush in and hold her left and Lord Aron is willing to indulge her so
to marry you. My magic is gone and my down until he has finished with her. They all long as she does not leave. Soon, however,
sword arm tired, that should it an even leave the room the last guard taking the her pregnancy runs its course and she is in
match." Again a chuckle rises from soldiers. chair with him. labor. The midwifes are called in and the
"Take her," his voice cut through the She sobs for what seems like an birth is without complication.
laughter and the soldier resume their eternity before managing to pull herself "Lord Aron, it is my pleasure to pres-
assault. She plans each strike carefully for together. Futilely, she looks around the room ent to you your daughters."
they are weak and growing more so. Her in search of anything that could be used as "Daughters! This is your fault witch!"
first swing catches one of her attacker's a weapon. With a sigh she gets out of the "I keep my vows and my bargains."
throat. He gurgles while slowly sinking to the bed and sits herself in the middle of the As before all the fires in the room
ground, blood pouring from his mouth. Her room. turn blue and illuminated shadows come
following blow is aimed for the next one's She takes a deep breath as she alive.
chest. closes her eyes. Raising her forefinger to "I kept my part of the bargain."
Her fatigue begins to overwhelm her. her teeth, she bites into it until it is bleeding "That you did."
The soldier is able to parry the blow with his sufficiently for her task. Carefully, she traces "What is going on here?" Lord Aron
own blade. Fortune abandons her, as he is a series of runes and symbols on the floor asks his question while every servant and
able to gain an upper hand from the attack. front of her using her own blood as ink. midwife flee the room.
The responding assault is far more "To any and all who listen I call to "It is now time for you to keep
crude than hers relying mostly on physical thee! I have a bargain to make and lives to yours." "That it is. I grant to you
strength and little skill. The effect, however, trade!" the soul and
would be more than sufficient to split her The few candles lighting the flicker life of Lord Aron, my husband by law, as
skull. With all of the speed and reflexes her- then die. Flames of pure blue take their payment for services rendered.'
exhausted body has left she pulls her sword places upon the now dark candles. Blue "You can't!"
up in time to parry the blow. light bathes the room revealing a shadow "By your own words I can. It was
Though she manages to hold onto that was not their before. you yourself who proclaimed us wed."
her head a while longer, it provides a more "You stand before us without the aid "Then by my words I proclaim us
than adequate distraction for the soldier on of wards and with your magic bound. Their unwed!" He is now backing away from the
her flank. Swiftly, he swings at her head with is nothing to stop me from takingyour life shadows that are moving towards him.
the flat of his blade. The first soldier sees and giving you nothing in return. This is too "It is too late now for the bargain has
this and pulls his sword back leaving her off easy. one might think this is a trap." been made and the payment must be ren-
balance. The initial blow takes her from her "Then why have you come?" dered."
feet, causing a harsher impact with the "Because trap or not a Winters' soul "No!" He tries to scream as the
ground. is too sweet a reward to pass up. Besides shadows surround him, but there is only
Worn out past the point of exhaus- their are others who wait to aid me if things silence. Soon he is completely encased in
tion she cannot overcome the damage that go wrong." shadows. When the shadows finally retreat,
has been done. It is not for lack of trying for "For a price of course." he is no longer there.
even as her senses begin to dim she push- "Of course." "There is a little time left before the
es herself off the ground. Her arms don't "Then let me help you offset some of hour is up. Enjoy it for when I return it is
have enough strength left to push her to her the price of your caution. Yes, you could your turn." Once again she is left to total
feet. This forces her to settle for simply take my life and soul now instead what I darkness. This time however she holds her
rolling herself onto her back. Looking up she offer you is not only that, but that of Lord infants close to her.
sees the soldiers standing over her with Aron as well. All it will require is a small
before it is yours." daughters, Emily and Natasha. You must look
"That wasn't part of the bargain." after them for me. Don't worry you will know
"Have but a little more patience. When which one's which. They are at their father's,
the sun rises next I relinquish all claims on this Lord Aron's estate. There will be much confu-
soul to you." sion there so you should go unnoticed. My
"Carry out your task mortal, then your house and everything I own is yours to do with
"You shall be called Emily," she says soul is mine!" The shadows surround her leav- as you please until they are of age. You may
while looking at the child to her right. "And you ing only her twins in the bed. tell them of me but not their father."
shall be called Natasha. It makes me proud to The first rays of light are almost upon "I will do as you have asked my friend."
know that the Winters line will continue with two the land as she find at last the house she "Thank you. I have no body left to bury
new members. Do not worry I will see to it that seeks. Locked doors mean nothing to her as but could you see to it that I have a grave. I
you are taken care of." she passes through them with ease. She want that much at least."
"It is time." moves from room to room until she comes "I will," she says with tears in her eyes.
"I know," she says without looking up. "I upon the only-occupied room. The figure in the "I have to go now," she replies as the
only hope that one day you will understand that bed stirs as she enters. sun's rays begin to light up the room. She looks
I did this for you." She looks up to face the "Colleen? Is that you?" to the window then back to her friend. "Good
shadow that will claim her soul. "I Colleen "Yes, it is my friend." bye." As the light grows stronger she grows
Winters, bequeath to you my life of my own "What are doing here?" weaker until she fades away.
free will as final payment for services rendered. "Dawn is almost upon us I haven't
My soul, however, has one last thing to do much time. I'm dead Aliesha. I also have two

This is a story my father use to tell my He reached the grocery store and couple of minutes. Then he dug the guy up,
brother and I around a campfire, or while wait- being the bright boy he was and remembered took the conveniently placed knife (in his pock-
ing in a car for my mother to finish our weekly he spent all of his money on the horrid comic. et, for such occasions) and stole the guy's liver.
grocery shopping. Itfs.been at least 1-0 years He went into the store anyway, and tried to flirt Whistling all the way home, Johnny felt
since heis told it, so lim not sure how much lim with the butcher's daughter hoping the poor more guilty than he ever had before in his life.
inventing. For that matter, lim not even sure if it deformed girl (she was missing fingers, an ear How could he steal a newly dead man's liver?
was originally his story. Nonetheless, I was and a chunk out of her foot from all the times Then he thought better of it. The guy couldn't
amused, and hopefully itill be even more amus- she tried to take over her father's job when he feel pain anymore; so the theft couldn't hurt
ing once live had my way with it. took his afternoon naps) would give him a liver him. Not to mention, it would mean Johnny
"Johnny! Get your ass to the store. We for free. Unfortunately the girl was having an wouldn't be beaten that night, and he would
need meat for your father's dinner tonight. I overly rough day from chopping off another fin- have a sick satisfaction that his parents would
don't care what you get, but make sure itis ger (she was down to six fingers), and between have no idea what they were actually eating
something he won't beat either of us over," said that night. When Johnny got home, he gave the
Johnny's sad mousy middle-aged mother. liver to his mother, who praised him for doing
Johnny rolled his eyes, finished his something right once in his life. Then she ran
Super Mario Brothers game (which, took him an off to make a wonderful meal of liver and green
hour), and meandered to the store. beans.
He took the long way kind of like that Since there was no way in hell Johnny
one kid from the Family Circus comic, but the was going to eat a person for dinner, he pre-
things he saw were a little more morbid, pass- tended to be sick which wasn't difficult. And he
ing by a cemetery with fresh graves, a drug spent the rest of the night in his room feeling
deal or two, and a couple of prostitutes he awful for what he had done at least until he
would have more experience when both were went back to playing video games. His parents
older. For a kid of 10, none of this fazed him as took this opportunity to have a nice little roman-
much as it should have. The only place that tic dinner, and called it an early night too.
even remotely caught his interest was a brand- When midnight came (as it stereotypi-
new comic store. It stood out in between the cally always does) the whole household was
old run down Laundromat that specialized in her hysterics and her deafness couldn't under- woken by a loud thump. His parents slept
laundering money and a rundown BBQ joint- stand what Johnny was doing. So she threat- through it, since they downed a bottle of
that specialized in barbequed rodents and giant ened him with the carving knife, and screamed whiskey before bed. But it immediately woke
cockroaches. something about not giving away her meats or Johnny. He jumped out of bed,.grabbed his
He stared to walk by, but right there in eggs for free. Whatever the case, Johnny didn't baseball bat, jumped back into bed, and hid
the window was a brand new comic he had hear her, because as tough as he may seem, under his covers. He trembled as he heard
never even heard of and Johnny knew his he wasn't in the mood to fight off a psychotic someone rustling through his house. It kept get-
comics. It was about this troll who had a prob- girl with a meat cleaver. So Johnny slowly shuf- ting louder and louder, and closer and closer.
lem with picking his nose and piercing his fled home, kicking an old Natty Light can as he Coming from the bottom of the stairs
brain, and how he solved it by tricking a unicorn wondered how to talk his way out of the beating he heard a soft whisper, "Johnny, I want my
into eating his fingernails by putting carrots his father would give him. liver back."
onto them. It was called The Troll and the Suddenly the sun shone through the This freaked Johnny out, because no
Unicorn. At the time Johnny thought it would be trees of the cemetery, and bounced off the one knew his name except his parents (since
the best thing in the world, little did he know the chrome of the headstone of a fresh grave. all the kids at school thought he was too weird
hype around it was just that, hype. Johnny screamed, "What the hell? Who's trying to play with and his teachers called him "young
So Johnny got drawn in by the hype, to blind me? I'll kill them." man"), and they only called him Johnny when
and forgot that his short-tempered alcoholic Then he realized where the light was they were angry. Then Johnny calmed down,
overworked father would beat him if he didn't coming from, and felt even more retarded than and rationalized that all of the noise and whis-
bring him his meat for dinner. He walked into he normally does. But, it gave him an idea. He pering was his father. So he went back to
the comic store, bought his comic, and ran to could wait a few more minutes until the sun sleep. Ten minutes later, after hearing his father
the ice cream parlor next to the brothel to have went down and then steal the liver from the guy fall down the stairs a couple of times, he heard
a root beer float while he savored his new who was buried there. He waited, and as soon the whispering again, louder this time, of
comic. By the time he finished the comic, tore it as it was dark he took the conveniently placed course, "Johnny, I want my Liver back."
up, and threw it away, Johnny realized the deep shovel lying by the grave and dug up the guy. Johnny tried to ignore it, but it really
shit he was in. For a kid of 10, it amazingly only took him a didn't sound like his father.
Igrin wiaely at my mirrors image
When she can't in truth say the same...

Come along All in this moment.

my lil' sunflower,
for distance Relentless vengeance consumes my thoughts,
will not loosen our embrace. with powerful resemblance to the sweetness of such,
Accompany me but only of its darker, corrupt version...
in blossom fields All in this moment.
of our first touch,
where I stood enamored Temptation, deception, and jealousy fuel my rage,
by your golden nectar, my countenance polluted by a wasteland of confusion.
playing with the wind, I laugh at my unpurity...
while you swayed away All in this moment,
without choice.
Wilted. Weakened. Tangled by the modern epidemic of ridiculous suffering,
I held you I wonder why beauty and pain bend my knees equally,
as you arched your back as I gently slide into a familiar sadness...
to face the sunlight. All in this moment.
Listening to what the wind says,
you promised All that I ask of you is to look beyond my Nakedness.
to withstand the Rains, My darling, have a sweet, sweet night...
so that we shall be firmly rooted, All in this moment...
together, forever, All in this moment.
among loose and fragile
Unlike the Quiet night...
Soil. my head rustles with the potency of a storm.
Hands in pockets, Whistling through me, emotions of its purest form.
eyes fixed on the shattered below... All chaos snapped about a single rhythm,
there I am. piecing wildness to a tranquil harmony of one.
Not knowing where to begin, nor where it ended. I realize...
But I begin because Our end has become My beginning. quests are not just moments between the occasional tin-
A beginning with a few less pieces, gles,
but similar to the arrival of a thing remarkably genuine.
Yours, The unity of my senses,
shaved away until the simplest truth stands free... its chiseled beauty sometimes overwhelming.
some things can't be, some things will never be, However,
that is We... fine impressions abandoned amidst the silence
and this is my Forever Goodbye. vanish unto every morning's uncertainty
Light descends upon an early evening shade, ... unlike the Quiet night.
its golden radiance sprinkled along the terrain.
Oh, how unearthly I feel...

All in this moment.

Unraveled in the tall grass of suburbia,
a glorifying numbness surrounds me,
as the breeze dances along the blind pores of my skin...
It breaks her heart to see him like this. As back. As he looks up at her he allows her to see "All the more reason for me to back. I
great as the pain is for her she feels it must be the thin goatee surrounding his mouth and the would dishonor any child of ours just as easily as I
tenfold for him. It is that thought more than any dark blue eyes that always seemed to understand would you."
other that brings the tears to her eyes. so much. "I don't want to lose you." Tears well up in
He does not allow himself the luxury of tears. His The cell itself is small, but comfortable. It her eyes.
rapidly fading dignity and what is left of his pride is clean and contains a washbasin, chamberpot, a "Nor I you. That which I must do brings
are all he has left. So he allows himself to be - small window, and even a mirror. me little happiness, but it must be done." b
pushed along in silence. The armor he once wore "Melaina, what are you doing here?" He "What of our child who will grow up with-
with honor now brings him only shame. The fellow has now risen to his feet. "You can't be here!" out a father. I don't know if I can do this alone."
members of his order once brothers fighting "I brought you something to drink." She "A child without a father is far better than
alongside him have become his persecutors. pushes the potion into his face. "Please," she a child without honor. As for you, you have more
The procession stops when they reach pleads when 'she sees the look on his face. strength than you give yourself credit for. Now I
the scaffold. The man he is brought before wears "If I drink it do you promise to leave?" must say good-bye. If I start now I can make it
a solid metal breastplate with a black tunic cover- "Yes," she replies as a smile comes to back before first light."
ing it. The tunic bears the symbol of the order that her face. She nods if not in understanding of why
both men pledged their lives to, the dawn. A white He takes a sip of the potion and scowls he must go, but that he must. "I could bring you
cape hangs from his shoulders and a lighter mail at the bitterness. "Augh, okay I drank it. Now you back."
of chains cover his arms and legs. Metal gauntlets really must get going. We could both get into a lot "Thank you but I think it would be better if
cover his hands and thick boots his feet. of trouble for this." I walked."
"Kellin Winters, you are charged with "As you command." She bows formally Again she nods. "Good-bye Melaina, I
betraying your code and your order in the form of and whispers "Ventrai." She is prepared for the have loved you more than life itself. I know you
sorcery. How do you respond?" transition he is not. She finds him completely dis- will take good care of our child."
"I accept both the charges and my fate." oriented upon opening her eyes. He turns and walks back towards the
"Very well. Kellin Winters you have shown exem- town. He looks back once to see her watching
plary courage and honor in these proceedings. him thorough the clearing. Her long black hair
Your fellow knights spoke highly of you even after blows across her face. Tears stream from her
the nature of your crimes was revealed. It is deci- green eyes. The blue cloak surrounding her is
sion of the Order of the Celestial Dawn that you almost black against the setting sun.
are to be executed at first light with full honor." When he has, finally, passed beyond her
"Thank-" view she whispers, "Good-bye my love." She
"NO!," she cries. turns around and begins walking to the town just
"Be silent Melaina!" as she had planned. She reaches the outskirts of
"No Kellin, I will not be silent. It is my the town just before dawn. She stops dead in her
fault that you are here. Mine! If you want some- tracks at the entrance to the town.
one to blame, blame me! Punish me instead but "Damn him. Ventrai!"
not him." She is now almost completely overcome This time she opens her eyes to see the scaffold
by her sobbing. from the day before surrounding her. Kellin is
"I thank you Melaina, but you did not kneeling before her with his armor neatly
force me to violate the code. The fault is mine and arranged beside him. The audience gasp at her
thus, so is the punishment." Kellin turns to the arrival. He just looks up at her pleadingly with his
orator and kneels before him. "thank you Master hands on the handle of his sword and the blade
Malicus for allowing me to regain my honor in facing his heart.
death." "Do not worry my love," she says as she
Malicus offers Kellin's sword to him pom- strokes the side of his face. "I think I understand
mel first. Kellin accepts the sword, rises to his now." Tears once again begin to fill her eyes.
feet, and sheaths the weapon. He is then led back "Good-bye."
to his cell. He nods in response and plunges the
Melaina storms back to her small cottage sword through his chest. When he has ceased his
slamming the door behind her as she enters. struggles she pulls the sword from his chest and
Screaming, she looks around the small room. A "Where are we?" He asks as soon as his wipes it clean. After returning the sword to its
thought comes to her suddenly. Quickly, she gath- head clears. sheath she closes his eyes and whispers again,
ers up a few things. Her winter cloak made from "About a day's walk to the next town." "Good-bye."
dark wolf's skin and like boots, half a dozen "You didn't tell me about this." It is not until she moves to gather his
books, and an assortment of scrolls and compo- "Your honor wouldn't have let you take armor that someone says something.
nents, are all packed into a traveler's backpack. the potion if you knew." "Blasphemy!," he cries.
She does, however, leave a few of the "You tricked me." She turns towards the outraged knight.
components to the side for something else. As "Not exactly. Look, we can go far enough "Though we were not formally betrothed
rapidly as care will permit she mixes the potion, away that no one will have ever heard of the we were bonded through the child I carry. It is for
putting each ingredient in the backpack once it Order of the Celestial Dawn or your oath. We can that child that I claim that which was his. This
has been added. When all have been mixed in start over there. I did it for us ... for you." sword and armor, his name, and most importantly
the proper amounts she closes her eyes. She "I have to go back Melaina. You have to the honor he died to regain, are. all my child's by
feels the-magic well up inside her as she calls understand that." right. On your honor stand down!"
upon it to complete the potion. "No! I don't understand! I will never Whether it is the speech or just the fire
Though she cannot see it, the potion understand! Why! Why must you allow them to kill behind her eyes as she speaks the knight steps
glows for an instant in response. She takes a you just to save honor? Why are you willing to away. She continues to gather the rest of the
drink from the bitter potion immediately. Slinging throw your life ... our life away? Why?" armor. "Ventrai," she calls out one last time and is
the pack over her right shoulder she calls out, "You ask why I am willing to forsake my gone.
"Ventrai!" life for my honor. The answer is because there
She opens her eyes and sees Kellin sit- can be no true life without honor. If I went with
ting before her in his cell. His head is resting on you not only would I bring that dishonor upon
the palms of his hands and his on his knees. His myself but you as well. I could not bear that."
dark red hair is cut short and combed straight "But I'm pregnant!," she blurts out.
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By Adam Schlagman
dam.'s Comic Corner
I had the privilege to attend Peter the shirt is says David 3:16, and on the back it believes that this is one too. He thinks that it is
David and Sean Smith's discussion on sneak says, "For Peter so loved the book, that he gave a wonderful masterpiece and highly recom-
previews of upcoming comics at 4 PM on his only begotten Page Rate, that whosoever mends it. "The End" tells the story of the Hulk
Sunday, the last day of ICON. I'm sure you all buyeth of it should not pay an extra quarter, but in the far future. Mankind is gone because of
know who Peter David is, but if you don't then have an everlasting bargain." David is going to nuclear explosions and the only other thing
you should go find out. Sean Smith on the wear them to all of the conventions he attends, alive other then the Hulk are flesh eating cock-
other hand, I don't even know who he is, so and plans on selling them with all benefits roaches.
fuck him. He never even showed up anyway. going towards the Comic Book Legal Defense Spiderman Movie
At one point David said, "Did Sean show up?" Fund. He then commented on his wife Cathleen As I said earlier, Peter David wrote the
and everyone said no, so David said "You by saying, "She's been there, she's done me, and novelization of the Spiderman movie. This
Fucker!" Well I guess for those of you who she's bought the T-shirt." means that he had a chance to read the script.
don't know, I'll tell you who Peter David is. For "Captain Marvel" Previews David says that it is a fantastic script and that
those of you that do, I don't want to bother you, Now onto what you have all been wait- he is really looking forward to seeing it. He also
so you can skip to the next paragraph. Peter ing for, comic book previews. First Peter David says, "The movie is going to kick ass!" David
David is the acclaimed writer of such comic talked about "Captain Marvel". The comic book also revealed that in the movie there are cameos
books as "Young Justice," "Supergirl," and will remain at $2.50, but will be restarting in by Curt Conners, who will one day turn into the
"Captain Marvel." He additionally had a long September at issue #1. In this issue Captain Lizard, and by Eddie Brock, who will eventually
run on the Incredible Hulk. Peter David is also Marvel will flip out and go nuts. He has the become Venom. This could mean that they
the author of many novels and has even written power of cosmic awareness, but the power might be used in the sequel. I was able to ask
the Spide. man movie novelization. keeps getting stronger, so he becomes more and Peter David if he had any input on the Hulk
Peter David began the discussion saying more aware of things happening all over the movie that is currently in Production, since he
that he just purchased a watch that has the abili- Universe. Marvel tries to be everywhere at the had a very long run on the comic book and he
ty to take pictures. Someone else then said that same time to save everyone but is unable to do responded, "Funny you should ask that...NO!"
theirs told the barometric pressure. In response so. Even worse he sees everything that will In other words, David is not happy that he was-
David stated, "Well mine says yours sucks!" happen if he does or doesn't save someone. For n't asked to participate in the movie and doesn't
The next thing that David discussed is a example he realizes that if he saves a child, he really want to talk about it.
feud he is currently in with Bill Jemas, the will grow up to become a mass murderer and Other Comic News
President of publishing at Marvel Comics. this is all in issue #1. It sounds like a great Marvel Comics is taking over. They are
David is fighting with Jemas over the fact that story, and I recommend that everyone pick it on the verge of signing J. Michael Straczynski
Jemas wants to raise the price of the book up, especially since it is still $2.50. Also, look and Kevin Smith to exclusive multi-year con-
Captain Marvel, which David is writing, from for Captain Marvel to dawn a new costume in tracts at Marvel. Kevin Smith is going to write
$2.50 to $2.75. Peter David wouldn't stand for issue #3. "Amazing Spiderman." Yes, that's correct "true
this and wrote a letter to Jemas stating that he "Young Justice" Previews believers," the famous director of such films as
would forego his paycheck in order to keep Next Peter David talked about his DC Dogma, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Jay and Silent
Captain Marvel at $2.50. Marvel Comics almost comic book "Young Justice". David decided to Bob Strike Back, and Clerks and the amazing
fired him for this. let the fans vote for the leader of the team. writer of Green Arrow and previously
Fans have compared the David Jemas Some of the options were Wondergirl, Ray, Daredevil, is going to write "Amazing
rivalry to the feud between Stone Cold Steve Superboy, and Robin. It was even promised that Spiderman." Spiderman always sells well, but
Austin and Vince McMahon, of the World there would be no voting irregularities, but with Smith writing it sales will go through the
Wrestling Federation (WWF), respectively. guess what happened; The DC mailroom lost a roof. Straczynski, who was the writer of
Because of this Peter David has created David bag of mail. In issue #46 David was supposed "Amazing Spiderman," will get a new
3:16 shirts. Of course you are probably wonder- to reveal the new leader of the team, but due to Spiderman title to write known as just
ing what this means, as David did too. David's the loss of mail, it won't be revealed until issue "Spiderman." This is fantastic news for marvel
wife Cathleen explained to him that first there #49. Also in issue #49 a cast member will be and fans should be ecstatic.
was "John 3:16" which means, "For God so killed. Comic Dates to Know
loved the world, that he gave his only begotten In June a 48 page graphic novel will be May 3rd = Spiderman Movie Opens = Rush to
Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not released by Marvel written by Peter David. It is theaters and go watch (That's an order).
perish, but have everlasting life." There is now called "The End", which tells the last story of May 4th = Free Comic Book Day = Go to partici-
an "Austin 3:16", which Stone Cold Steve the Hulk. Dale Chion is the penciler for the pating comic stores and get free comics.
Austin sports on T-shirts. According to the book and David says, "It is absolutely gorgeous (
Stone Cold website it means, "I just whooped and I am really really proud of the book." Peter Well that's all for now, this is Adam
your ass." Peter David wore his newly created David believes his best works are "Future Schlagman signing off with two last words
shirt to the ICON discussion. On the front of Imperfect" and "Incredible Hulk #467", but now "Nuff Said."

I' i ~__g 1[1

Page 13
A Very S uzv lhnterview 6J
By Andrew Pernick
This interview took place outside the enjoyed his presence in the strip, so he might actu- the fee they [the record companies] have isn't crazy
Indoor Sports Complex on April 20, 2002 around 2 ally form his own entity, kind of a "Bizarro A.J." it would be possible. At this point, I don't have a
pm. Pete Abrams draws the web comic strip lot of time; I've mentioned it to my publisher and
Sluggy Freelance (, with new AP: Are we going to be seeing another he said he'd look into it but he doesn't have a lot of
strips every day. Sluggy, as it is called by its fans, "Gwynn saving her sanity" arc soon? time either. I'd keep my fingers crossed before the
has been online since 1997 and receives over next book comes out because it'll be in the one after
250,000 hits daily. Sluggy's stories range from paro- PA: I don't think I'd want to rehash stuff I've book seven.
dies of horror movies, Star Trek, Buffy, Anime, already tackled. I mean, Gwynn is a flawed charac-
Japanese fighting games and sci-fi movies to one- ter and she's got far distances she could go but I AP: Do you have emergency pants?
shot gags (including some terrible puns) to "emer- don't think it would be quite as dramatic and it
gency pants." Pete recently wrapped up an artistic might be more gradual like the distances the other PA: No comment.
•!. . . .L -.. _r -, 1 .1 -'..--- - A L ....
ceparture tor Ite. & ItdVfc
strip called "Fire AP: Does Gwynn practice or belong to a partic-
and Rain." Read ular magical tradition or is she an eclectic who just
the archives. Who happened to get lucky with a "Book of E-ville?"
Worship the comic. in in a
Is it not nifty? 'K or PA: She's just an eclectic who just happened to
WARNING: get lucky with a "Book of E-ville." I've occasionally
INTERVIEW CON- had Wiccans and people bothered by the fact that I
TAINS SPOILERS! portray her or refer to her as a witch. I think of
would Sluggy as more like a Hollywood universe, the -
Andrew Pernick: win in a witches are like the witches in the movies which
How does it feel to since don't have any specific powers or specific rules,
be the creator of destined they're all magical and stuff. Same way I don't
what is now a sta- ver and bring Jesus into Christmas, I try to keep religion out
ple of Geek cul- he of it, I go for Hollywood. Now the Ayn Rand fans,
ture? ,'d win on the other hand, uh, I didn't write that story

Pete Abrams:
like that. It's cool. Actually, working on Sluggy
has always been cool before it became a - what was
Earth. Ltnthuu, isn't ne more like an interdimen-
sional, full-spectrum type thing?
d. As
either, I didn't even know who Ayn Rand was
before the guy who filled in. I got a bunch of
emails from them [Ayn Rand fans]. It was a joke!

it you said, a staple of Geek culture. Because of the AP: This is an idea I had one night: Oasis'
way I work on the Internet, outside of times I go to AP: As I recall, he's trapped in Pacifica, and Override B-l, Riff's weapon du jour, Gwynn's
Cons, that's the only times I get to meet people, or I once he rises, we're all dead. magic, Bun-bun's switchblade vs. Kusari's replace-
realize exactly how large my fan-base is, as far as ment vs. K'Z'K's Halloween monster. How would
real people go. That's gotta be more wordy than I PA: Okay, that could work too. I heard he's that be?
expected it to be. I've been doing it the same way I actually into Filking, he doesn't do a very good job
did it from the beginning which is just trying to do of it - if you hear any of his Filk songs it drives you PA: That would be a lot of panels of violence.
my best to entertain people and tell stories I want mad. Wow. That would be interesting.
to tell and the hits have been going up so gradually
over the past four and a half years that it's kind of' AP: "Fire and Rain" was such a departure from AP: Is it possible that there are other
surprising to realize every now and then, when I'm what we Sluggites have been expected. What is the Punyverse survivors out there that we don't know
at I-CON, that I'm a staple of Geek culture. back story that caused you to do such a dark and of?
somewhat angsty arc?
AP: You've succeeded in confusing the entire
Internet on any biographical data; could you give PA: For one thing, I throw so many loops at PA: None of the main characters made it out of
us something, where you were born, some educa- people on the strip, from Legos to stick-figures, there. So tragic. I've got to say that it was one of
tion, something like that? more dramatic to less dramatic that I don't think it my most controversial story lines in terms of peo-
was as far of a departure just in the sense that I'm ple liking it or disliking it. A large percentage of
PA: No. [Laughter] Actually, let's see. Ilive in always trying to freak you guys out. The second Sluggites had various problems with it from people
New Jersey, I was educated at Montclair State thing is I had this story planned out, I knew what who didn't get the Anime references to people who
College before it became Montclair State University. was going to happen with Oasis going insane but loved the Anime references, people who hated the
I went on to the Joe Kubert School of Graphic Arts when I try to do a story of that nature and I'm try- fact that I killed everyone at the end. I stand by
in Dover. Joe Kubert is a, I don't know which age ing to inject humor into it every three panels, it was that story. I re-read it and I crack myself up.
he is in, but he is a very well known comic book very difficult and what I realized was I really want-
artist who opened a school which basically taught ed to give a shot to just expand and not do an AP: How did Belly Signing start?
you howto do narrative art, and of course that angsty story but focus more on the graphics and
came in very useful later when I started working the layout and just kind of break out from what I PA: We were at DragonCon with one of my
on Sluggy. I actually have a comic book style that's was doing before, just as like a break. And, a lot of Sluggite lackeys, Maria, who wanted me to sign her
a lot cleaner and less "sketchy" than Sluggy is but people find it hard to believe but I found it much breasts. And I was like, well I realized that it
when I started doing this as a comic strip on the easier to write that story; I wrote that in no time at would probably get me divorced from my wife,
side of my marketing career, I decided to keep it as all and it gave me plenty of time to work on the art- and it wasn't a good idea so I wasn't going to do it,
sketchy and simple for me to do as possible so I work because of the fact I didn't have to inject con- which she was okay with. She had this, let's see,
would actually have the time to do it on a daily stant humor so it was almost like a vacation for me. how would you describe her outfit, I want to say
basis. And I thought it came out excellent. I was troubled belly-dancing but she might get mad at me for that
at the fact I had to pull the lyrics out of the story - something like that. There were guys going
AP: Where does K'Z'K's name come from? and I still don't think, especially particular pages around taking pictures of all of the girls at the Con.
don't work as well without the lyrics. If I find the So my friend Alan from Epic Games said "Hey
PA: I don't even remember. I created "the time I might try to come up with a better solution; Pete, you realize that if you signed it then your
Vowel-less One" so long ago, I know I had a reason on the whole I'm very proud of the way that story name would be in the photo." I said, "What do I
but I can't put my finger on it. Sorry, I don't know. turned out. care if my name is in the photo but, then again, if
the URL is in the photo that would be cool." And
AP: Do you think there is a chance we might because she had a bare midriff I saw the belly-but-
AP: When you do a crossover with something ever see "Fire and Rain" with the lyrics again? ton and went "Sluggy 'dot' Comn! Wait a second!"
like UserFriendly (, another And that's how it started.
web comic, drawn by Iliad) and the A.J. you draw PA: It's possible; the problem is I publish on a
shakes hands with the A.J. Iliad draws, do they web site that gets so many hits it's difficult for AP: I loved "Yippy-Skippy the Evil!" and the
spontaneously cease to exist like in "Time Cop?" record companies to assign a royalty. Even a per- "Kitten" saga. It just did to horror films what need-
centage of a percentage of my page views would be ed to be done. Are we going to be seeing another
PA: Actually, according to a lot of the mail I astronomical. The books have a limited run and if ripping it to Hollywood of slasher movies?
got from the "Ufies" (UserFriendly fans), I did such my publisher could work out a deal with them, we
a poor job of representing A.J. graphically, they know how many books we are going to sell and if PA: "Kittens 2" is in the works which will
Page 14
Suggy (con't)
probably make fun of the way sequels of "B" bit. But Bun-bun's direct translation is "Biscuit bis- was a pretty fitnny concept that she would actually
movies are horrible, never contain main characters, cuit." bake the vampires in ovens because she didn't have
have no continuity with what went on before, I a more economical or effective way to get rid of
don't know. A lot of times I get these ideas for sto- AP: Will you being doing another "Fire and them.
ries I don't get to do but hopefully this summer. Rain" type thing any time in the future?
AP: Are you enjoying the Con and the never-
AP: Will we ever find out what school Zoe PA: It's a possibility, it's a good way for me to ending parade of costumes?
goes to? stretch my legs but that's not what Sluggy's about.
Sluggy is not going to take any dark turns but it PA: Oh yeah, yeah. It's very nice, it's halfway
PA: I like keeping things like that as vague as might be an occasional story every now and then through Saturday and Friday night wasn't as busy
possible because I don't live in Nebraska at the uni- when the story calls for it and I call for it. so it's gotten a lot more busy we'll see how the
versity - if I name what it is, then people will say other have of the day and the evening goes Sunday.
"Our dorms don't look like that!" It's like when I AP: I don't think Oasis will ever be sane. Will So far, it's shaping up to be pretty nice.
gave my N.P.R. interview when I said I wasn't she?
going to have a story set in Australia because it AP: If Riff is a freelance bum, then where did
would look like New Jersey with koala bears. So I PA: There's a lot more to Oasis than I've told. he get the technical know-how to build everything
kinda have to know what I'm doing. We had a lot- Oasis is probably one of the most complicated char- he does?
of photo references of colleges in Nebraska, but not acters in the most involved situations and it's going
enough to withstand the scrutiny. to take a few more appearances for her before I can PA: That question may be answered very soon.
reveal what's really going on with her. But that's Or it might take a little while.
AP: Will we be seeing her again so, though? all part of the fun. I know I've got a few surprises
that should make everyone's jaw drop in the
PA: Nah,-I'm tired of her. Actually, just stay future.
tuned for the next story after this one. AP: Anything you would like to say to the
AP: What piece of science fiction had the great- Stony Brook Press, the general public,
AP: When you did Torg from parallel univers- est influence on your youth? I-CON, the world, parallel universes, etcetera?
es what made you pick Portuguese?
PA: Wow. That's a wide, broad subject. Lord PA: The guy who played Gandalf in Lord of
of the Rings. Especially that hobbit, Bobby Boyd? the Rings ruled! He deserves, like, Oscars and
PA: I thought it would be more interesting to He played Pippin? [Note: The actor's name is real- stuff. He did such a good job, man. He does so
have it speak a different language and Babelfish ly Billy Boyd.] much with his eyes. And actually, I don't think it's
pretty much had Spanish, French, German and that important, but it was the first thing that
Portuguese. Portuguese just sounded more inter- AP: How did you get from Buffy the Vampire popped into my head when you said "Do you have
esting than the other basic ones. And, by the way, Slayer to Muffin the Vampire Baker? anything you want to say?" That man deserves an
the Babelfish translations were horrible. award. That was cool.
Fortunately, a Portuguese-speaking Sluggite came PA: That again, I did that story so long ago I
in and helped me fix them up and repair them a forget exactly what the inspiration was. I thought it AP: Thank you very much.

• • •

-· -- Anime Pom RPevie -- ;? I

By Vadim Gedzberg
Anime, a genre of animated movies origi- Desire (18+), when I got there the theater was movie you begin to regret that you weren't at an
nated in Japan that prides itself on both its artistic plagued with what looked like ten year olds evangelical rally instead, (at least you would get
and plotline fronts. Porn (p6rn) also por -no (WARNING: getting a fake I.D. for the sole pur- some sexual gratification from the latter). We are
(p6rn) Slang f watching anime porn is a federal all familiar with the genre of film that leads the
n. , punishable by death). The movie viewer through several plot lines that, at first,
Pornography. 'as worse than getting head from appear to be completely irrelevant to each other
adj. e Goldberg (WARNING: never look yet each would grab your attention. Bible Black is
Pornographic. Watching a doctor anally probe an similar to this genre only not like it in anyway.
ed woman to get her in a sexually Aside from not one but two terrible plots, the
Porn, Istate didn't make the plot line very viewers were left mystified by how many of their
the industry that lble. When I watched this I thought brain cells died during the movie due to complete
gave Ron Jeremy elf, "Ten years of medical school for and total atrophy. One plotline depicted a child
awards for 3 of wonder if the good doctors of Stony molesting school principle at an all girls school
the 13 films he University hospital handled the having sex with absolutely anyone and everyone.
starred in over iat died in the same fashion." Fuck The second plotline had little to do with anything
the weekend. :ided I'll stay with the electrical that is even remotely related to sexually explicit
The very indus- ering program at good ol' Suny SB. behavior, hence folks, not even porn. "And the fact
try that brought t at all saying that this feature that you have replica written on the side of your
you the follow- Ionly due to a total absence of a gun and I have desert eagle .50 written on the side
ing titles; e. I mean I've watched some horri- of mine..." At least at the end of Lock, Stock and
Shaving Ryan's rn in my day; how about the one two Smoking Barrels or Snatch (WARNING:
Privates, ie guy riding a bicycle naked in the Snatch is not a porn flick...good movie though.) all
Dawson's Dick,, Sof a field and the woman laying on the interesting anecdotes connected into a great
In Dianna Jones, ress masturbating, also in the middle plot that made sense. Despite the fact that this
The Scorpion field. I couldn't follow that one for movie should not be viewed by absolutely anyone
,-.,,.,,- t•.t i tq,• n'r,
t/"- T T-

urag Queen, usual zuspects uo it unusuany, Amu

. .. .-,-, f-
and the fact that it should be placed in a crate with
Mama to the Train, Spy Gays, Behind Enema being art. I mean lets face it, how many times have man eating lizards and sealed with Voltaire's skin,
Lines, Forrest Hump, Free Your Willy and You Got you seen the portrait of Jenna Jameson in the it did have some quotable lines, so here they are in
Male Genitalia. Combining these two genres into Metropolitan Museum of Ar?. no particular order:
one created something so horrible only the evil How many times has the camera man on "You'll like my fingers in your asshole."
Shirley Strum Mothra could do battle with. Shirley a pornographic movie set asked himself if he fully " ...We should start with platonic love."
captured the light falling on the girls ass from the "...So um Is this some sort of a shampoo
Strum...Shirley Strum. So we called on her to res-
cue our "beloved" campus (it works if you get a 350 angle? All in all, I gave this porn two and a commercial?"
short Japanese man to sing her name twice). half golden dicks. When asked for an interview, actor and producer
Unfortunately she was to busy combining the Speed Racer declined, saying "No comment. Ha
blood of small children into her daily meal. In any The next feature I reviewed was titled Ha." I give this movie less than one golden penis, a
case the first Anime Porn I saw was Maiden of Bible Black. A little less than 15 minutes into the plaid vagina.

Page 15
iLong Style
you quick, into the -
yroom AGo0dsl
s he went to Hell-fat chance! So
don't miss JASON IN SPACE.
This VCD is one of the rarest
versions of the movie in blur-
years event. You need to be
pretty, fit, and willing to wear
next to nothing while roaming
a convention filled with
Kyaku is il........ .. ...
:i..::: ..
: ...
.. ry black and white. A must
have for any collector who
human substrate. You must
also pretend to be attracted to
ddeadly like 52" broad sword for sale.
needs to complete his collec-
tion of 9 other movies featur-
them and hit on one per hour
in order to get your full check.
3eisha Made of solid adamantium for
maximum strength. Perfect
ing the man in the mask
killing people.
Will train you with geek lingo.
SDungeon Help Needed
Extra Terrestrial Anal Probe Level 32 Bard or higher need-
for slaying all the dragons and One of a kind item, this never ed to beat my friends in
mythical creatures that you
he Arcade know are real regardless of
what your parents and thera-
before seen on earth anal
probe was mistakenly left in
my rectum by the alien med-
AD&D. I'm tired of getting
my ass kicked because lady
luck hates 3 sided dice and I'1
your whack fighting style pists say.
Damn Hobbit Feet! ical technician on my last
abduction. I am currently in a
pay what ever you want if you
could come to my DM's base-
ouse vou Tired of not being able to get
into restaurants and 7-11
bad situation of debt and need
the money fast. Highest offer
ment and cast some immobili-
ty spells on him so I can beat
cause you got them big ass by 5/15/02 wins. Serious him down without rolling a 7.
hobbit feet that ya can't find inquiries only. Mortal Slave Needed
shoes for? Not anymore! You Blue light saber for sale by Willing mortal slave with
no longer have to hang your young Jedi Knight that has desire for eternal life needed
head in shame at the sight of a just turned to the dark side. for immediate position. You
"No Shoes No Shirt No This thing is crap and will must be willing to guard my
Service" sign when you buy a only do the bidding of the coffin by day and do my bid-
pair of my patented Hobbit good. ding at night, which will most
Sized Air Sole Cabooses. likely involve driving me to
Hours of comfort for even the +. [", the Batcave and buying my
most taxing of three hour jour- Chartreuse. Must love Synth-
mon-sat neys.
neys. SciFi. Fetish '_
Your One Stop Dork Sex
pop, goth, velvet and fake
Pointy ear attachments and
' IA\/A k .l
star trek uniforms (original,
deep space 9, voyager all
Real World Live Action Role
Players Needed for my new
available) to customize your world that will be just like the
real doll for your own pervert- one in which we live, but we
ed live long and prosper will all be "cool." Attractive
evenings. SPECIAL For the
pool ladies, a limited time only we
will be selling Luke Skywalker
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fawn over us and our new-
found "cool-qlorv."
Early 80's DeLorean for sale.
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inter dimensional and time
ames and vibrate.
Must Sell
Extensive anime porn collec-
tion for sale. Parent's have
Missing my dignity. Last seen
4/19/02 while I was shelling
out $30 for my icon pass. I
travel. Mr. Fusion is broken
and you will need. to find a
source of 1.21 JigaWatts on

butt- realized they are more than

just cartoons and are threaten-
ing to kick me out of their
thought I had seen it running
west through the parking lot
past a group of storm troopers
and elves that night. Cash
your own. Sorry.
Land Speeder Parts for sale
Need assembly. I ordered this
thing off Ebay and the seller
ckins basement if I don't get rid of it.
Over 6,000 hours of animated
sex ranging from money shots
to hentai, to alien sex to ani-
reward and hard to find
Magic: The Gathering playing
cards for its safe return.
neglected to tell me that the
directions were written in
Intergalactic Basic. I can't
SciFi and Metal? make any sense of it.
mal fucking school girl. All This is for you! The new CD
videos and VCD's come from a by metal legends Slayer enti-
V4 loving owner and are gently
used. tled Haunting The Death Star
is in stores now! Brining Satan
HEARTACHE TO LOOSE to the dark side like no one
I am moving and my new else could.
apartment does not allow pets NOTVAG
so I must get rid of my 6 The National Over Thirty
month old airy in a cage. I Virgin Alliance Group is post- Man with Anime fetish sought
won her as the spoils of the ing this just in case you by overweight woman with
Nazgoth LARP and is a huge missed out table at I-Con. You minimum wage job at a comic
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only. __" ally thousands of us who still
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bate to thoughts Captain loving.
Got them cause they were cute Kathryn Janeway on the holo- Imperial Dark Lord Seeks
and cuddly but they keep on deck and are damn proud of Rebel Princess to be my cap-
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take anymore. Please help., a twisted marriage of fantasy
Definitive Star Trek and and make believe incest.
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because I went to Icon only to waists. Bigger arnmor to Orion to fulfill my Captain
learn that the whole thing is a cover your girth ar well. Sci Fi Kirk fantasies. The hell with
fraud! G'Kar from Babylon 5 should be availble to all Scotty, the Captain will be
is only an actor and all the ser- shapes and sizes. doing all the -beaming this
ries' are pure fiction and not time.
the other worldly documen- Wanted
taries I had once beleived C10 mint carded return of the

1meni them to be.

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Stoyp0 Sotal~o

Page 16
Te Strucggke for Freedcom T rogh the
By Joseph Hughes
Voice of Fip-bop
April 13 has now gone down in my mem- despite the fact that there was no evidence of a One of the things he said that I found particularly
ory as one of the most exciting days of my young fire, and no fire truck ever reported to the scene. A interesting came near the end of his speech, when
life. A good friend of mine at Swarthmore College rushed trial ensued, one that would not even he said that "to free Africa is to free the world." I
managed to bring an event to her campus so allow Hampton Jr. a character witness. Through asked him to elaborate on this comment, and he
important that I was more than willing to wake up this corrupt trial he was found guilty, and on May was more than happy to. He said that by Africa he
at the butt-crack of dawn and make the six-hour 19, 1993, he was sentenced to eighteen years in wasn't referring to the continent, "But rather to all
train ride all the way to Pennsylvania to be a part prison on one count of aggravated arson. But his African people." He went on to say that "this
of. The event I speak of wasn't some sort of con- supporters would not allow this to happen with- country was built on the backs of African people,
cert or huge party that the average college student out a fight. After serving nine years in jail, and most of the world's most important resources
would normally be willing to travel that far for. Hampton Jr. was freed in September 2001. are stolen from the coasts of Africa. Yet despite all
This was a different type of event, one meant to Hampton Jr. was framed and sent to jail this, African people are still faced with oppression
enlighten all those fortunate enough to attend. simply because he fought to organize African peo- nearly everywhere you look. We live in perhaps
This was the Dare to Struggle, Dare to Win tour. ple and looked to bring equality to a nation that to the most powerful nation in the world, and it can-
Dare to Struggle, Dare to Win is a three this day is still overrun by oppression and dis- not function without us, yet still we are not free.
month tour of colleges, universities and communi- crimination. As he put it, he was sent to jail on This is what I mean when I say that to free Africa
ty organizations, which commenced at three counts: "one count of being African, one of is to free the world."
Northeastern University in Boston, MA on being the son of Fred Hampton Sr., and one count After everyone had spoken, the floor was
February 28. It is a revolutionary tour, whose pur- of fighting for the Uhuru Movement." left open for questions. I was lucky enough to sit
pose is to engage young people in a critical dis- Hampton Jr. proved to be every bit the dynamic down and have a private dinner with the members
cussion of the Hip-hop culture, and remind the and captivating speaker that I had heard he was. of the tour and those who had worked hard to
youth of this country that Hip-hop wasn't created He spoke primarily about the conditions of jails in bring them to Swarthmore. I was actually sitting
so people like Ja Rule, Nelly and Master P could this country, or' what he calls "concentration down and eating with people who are brave and
make lots of money by running around in their camps." He even gave some rather disturbing bold enough to go out into the world and fight for
videos wearing millions of dollars worth of jewel- examples, which I will not discuss. He also read the freedom of people like me, and who ask for
ry, driving expensive cars, rhyming about things some of his poetry that he has been working on for nothing in return. Being a part of this day made
that are completely irrelevant to the plight of black, a number of years now. His poetry has a definite me realize how desperately we need this sort of
people in this country, and therefore ultimately Hip-hop feel to it, and it mostly serves to tell those event to come to Stony Brook's campus, and has
making a living by lying to the youth of this reading or listening to it about both the harsh con- given me the motivation I need to see that this
nation. Rosa Clemente, an Afro-Boricua freedom ditions of jail and of the existence of many other happens.
fighter, scholar and journalist, heads the tour. It political prisoners who are still in the same unfor- I cannot thank my friend enough for giv-
features Mutulu Olugabala, also known as M1 of tunate situation that he was once in. ing me this opportunity, and I hope to invite her to
the political Hip-hop team Dead Prez, and Fred M1, through his speeches and his music, my campus sometime in the near future for an
Hampton Jr., the son of one of the former leaders represents the positive aspect of Hip-hop. He is event of such magnitude. Until then, the memo-
of the Black Panthers and currently one of the from the school of thought that Hip-hop is a cul- ries of this past weekend will stay in the front of
biggest promoters of the Uhuru Movement ture that is meant "not just to excite, but to incite." my mind, and I now have a new appreciation for
(Uhuru is Swahili for freedom). He sees Hip-hop as a way to get people to fully all those who are out there representing myself
Hampton Jr. is a former political prisoner. understand what is going on in their community, and all black people. Those who fight for freedom,
In May of 1992, he was brought to trial after being and hopefully motivate them to do something and dare to win.
accused of firebombing a Korean Merchant's store, about it, to fight for change.
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Page 18
By Doug Williams
Bloodline usic
Once in a while, you come across some genuine tal- lege radio and cable TV. His music is in the genre pianist, after her solo performance at the Fairmont
ent in your own backyard. This is most definitely of Neil Young, Dylan, REM, and David Gray. Hotel in San Francisco. I contacted her and sent her
the case with a young artist from Stony Brook, Along with his vocals, John plays an assortment of a demo of my guided meditations and stress-man-
Long Island. Johnny Cuomo is both talented and instruments, including guitar, bass guitar, tenor agement tracks with my voice sampled over her
entertaining, as he is provocative and poetic. He banjo, Irish flute, tin whistle, mandolin and har- music. She knew I had 'found something,' and the
has played several times here at Stony Brook monica. He has recently released a new CD, enti- five-time Grammy-nominated New Age musician
University and at a variety of other Long Island tled, "There & Back Again," which features seven of and I agreed on a common goal in making this
spots. Johnny is on my list-of musicians 'Most his newest songs. project: to bring health and happiness into people's
Likely To Succeed' and I'd like to include a little Another NY area musician, Mark lives.
history about this man who has played in several Mangold, sent me two of his CDs to listen to and I
interesting v md relaxing.
Joh *excellent
working mu ; by this
past 10 year artist. In
singer/guitc iting and
rock group, own pieces,
Turtle, Johru so plays with
the band i, a progres-
toured the rock band
United State fellow veter-
performing Ln musician,
their own Randy
original Jackson.
rock music. Randy, who
They per- Sever stops
formed in o, ying, is also
250 venues ( rwith end-
three years It stic gigs and
the road, as f concerts
in all the to1 and of over
clubs in NY, :ades, Zebra.
Their favori e in NY,
was openinj has a brand
Ramones at lable. One of
Long Island rom Slighty "I decided on the title 'Waves of
While study a heard at Relaxation' as my guided meditations and stress-
College in Ih . Korn Cat reduction techniques are set to the waves and
involved wi Ling touches music of Suzanne Ciani. Since Suzanne used waves
hDulhlin whI Lovep and
n1ou as background for the music I chose, which provid-
Talent Contest in 1998. Johnny returned to the U.S. has already released the album's single in South ed a flowing sound, my words seemed to be per-
and formed a traditional Irish band, Gallowglass, America and Germany on One Time Records label. fectly in sync with Suzanne's ethereal instruments
with brothers KC Williams dedicates the single, 'Hey Andy' to a and waves. In this recording, I impart practical
ce and woman he met in Argentina while recording a strategies for reducing physical and emotional
'in Meehan, majority of his rhythm tracks at a studio there. "I stress. I have created progressive relaxation with a
Ithe drum- know it's a bit corny, but I felt compelled to write slant on hypnotic meditation for the mind and
rfrom his an upbeat love song to let this awesome lady know body. I decided on visualization techniques in a
vious band, how I really feel about her. Andy, which is actually beach setting so that there would be zero conflict
y Arias. her nickname, spent many long hours with me between music and monologue. Lastly, but possibly
nny has helping prepare a lot of material for the album, so most importantly, are the thought-restructuring
n playing it's only right I go with my instinct and release this skills, which I have made great personal use of to
3 years extra track that I recorded here in NY as a last overcome stressful areas of my life to promote
h this tradi- minute thing, because it came out so good." calmness and productivity.
ial band, This next segment is a piece from medita- "Since stress often triggers my generally
forming in tion guru, John St. Martin. He describes, in his own latent condition, I originally developed this record-
ntless festi- words some of the events that led up to his discov- ing to help myself relax and manage stress. I then
s,pubs and ery of meditation and its healing powers. Johns improved on these techniques after offering them
ues CD, Waves of Relaxation, is available at www.ama- to clients at the Stanford pain clinic and in private
aughout and is a very interesting recording, as well practice. The result of my hard work, real-life appli-
ig Island, as a friendly companion to have in your CD chang- cation and artistic partnership will inspire and sup-
C and New er. port listeners in their quest for health and vitality.
;land, "I made a miraculous recovery after sur- In the process of helping others relieve stress, I
luding the viving a near fatal motorcycle accident in 1991. This have made great strides in his career as well as in
Lsic Under accident, occurring in front of San Francisco State my condition.
the Dome Program at the vanderDut Planetarium University (which I was attending at the time), "I have recently joined Magellan
and the Long Island Museum's annual Fiddle and landed me in a coma for 10 days. The accident's Behavioral Health, a managed care/employee
Folk Festival. Johnny has made numerous trips only residual effect is a post-traumatic seizure con- assistance corporation, as part of their clinical team
back to Ireland in the past years to play at various dition. I was having grand mal seizures on a quar- while continuing with my private practice.
pubs and venues, and recently returned to do a terly basis. I experienced horrible pain at hospitals "Through using my tools on my CD to
supporting gig for Dublin-based band, Whirlygig, as a result of my seizures (with catheters and IVs). I manage my stress, I am no longer having grand
at Vickar Street and Whelan's. In the past year, he had "auras" on a weekly basis, tiny seizures which mal seizures and the exhausting stays at hospitals
has been lending his talents to original rock/Irish precipitate petty or grand mal seizures if my stress that were required to stabilize these kinds of
band, The Ruffians, on banjo and Irish flute and has is not .kept in check. I needed to find some relief seizures. The Waves of Relaxation is perfect for
been running a weekly traditional Irish session at from my extremely painful condition. anyone who needs to unwind or sharpen their ana-
O'Neil's in NYC. Johnny's strongest talents, how- "While I was teaching pain management lytical skills to deal with life's daily stresses."
ever, lay in his abilities as a singer/songwriter, per- at the Stanford Pain Clinic, a client told me that he As always, feel free to send any updates
forming his own original folk/rock as a solo artist, had bought many CD's for stress management and you may have with your band or project. Email
and as a trio, with his sister Lisa on bass, and long relaxation but had found none of them worthwhile. your information to
time drummer, Jerry Arias. He has performed his So I decided to create one, as I had some back- Links to the artists and bands covered in this col-
original music at over 100 venues, including col- ground in stress management and training in relax- umn can be found at
leges, festivals, local pubs and coffee houses, col- ation skills. I had met Suzanne Ciani, a New Age
Page 19
_ I __
Mama GotCor-raot
ty jamie viignone
Mother Courage and her
Children is an appropriate dramati-
zation of the consequences of war,
given the current situation in
Israstine, as well as wherever our
own troops may take as their new
Stratego board. The play focuses on
the lives of those affected by the war,
but not altogether participating or
taking sides.
It is the story of a mother
trying to live and raise her children
against a backdrop of hell on earth.
The Thirty Years War (1618-1648) wa
a battle over ideals. The Catholics
wanted their business to keep boom-
ing, and the Protestants wanted to
start their own in Germany. God is
big business, bigger business than
human life. War ensues, and keeps
ensuing. The economy goes to shit
and lots of people die. The result of
the war doesn't really matter since
there is nothing but devastated land
to claim for sake of a line on a map.
There are no winners. Burtolt Brecht
wrote this play during World War
Two. His purpose is still relevant.
Mother Courage tries to
keep her life together amid the hor-
rors of war. She sells whatever sal-
vacgeadle goos
rkrf n
h;*-%- onei Yeah, so as not to give away the plot,
sie can iiiitu luitYli
rom erwagon. singing whore, all of whom are deeply affected by
takes the boots from dead soldiers, and her wagon the war. Some owe their survival to the war while there are general themes of love, death, and booze,
doubles as a canteen. others become overburdened by the hardship of and there's lots of wit, you know, the funny.
Besides that, all she has is her children. life in a war zone. Brecht thereby reflects the There's some song, some shooting, some drums,
Her sons, Eilif and Swiss Cheese, are under con- dynamic between the Stratego players at the top booze, people pullin' pushcarts, booze, and funny
stant lure of recruitment officers, who call them off and the victims of war at the bottom. Each party clothes.
to battle with promises of glory and swoon them gets what's coming to them. The warriors have to I am not a man to judge acting ability, but
with drink. Courage's daughter Kattrin is without go into battle, fight, and die, and the complacent I enjoyed the performance, and I have much
speech, (but has a healthy set of screamin' lungs), lose nearly everything. Burtolt Brecht favors respect for the cast and crew. I could not discern a
and is a source of worry for Courage for lack of a protest rather than trying to mind your own busi- significant flaw in the production, although the
husband. The family is accompanied by various ness during a time of war, and this play is first act was a bit lengthy, I liked the show.
extras including a skittish minister and a comical designed to show what complacence gets you, Theater's cool.
cook, both of whom vie for Courage's favor.

Page 20
An-rv PeoP1e Never Did Anything Worth Doin
By Jonat A elling
"You should be very fucking angry!" 1994, it was widely considered politically , moved to anger by these developments, but it
This message oozes from just about each and impossible for the Republicans to ever have a was not a constructive and progressive move-
every story in The Stony Brook Press. It smears majority in the House. They not only proved ment. No one believed in progress -- things
itself on the minds of the paper's readers like these expectations wrong, they have held con- were just getting inevitably worse, The result of
the very ink that rubs off the pages themselves, trol of the House for eight years now. In 2002, it all of this was a tragic self-hatred of all of our
Those taking the time to browse through the looks like the Democrats may have a hard time social institutions. And no one tries to improve
newspaper are met with a simple refrain: the winning back a majority. Why? that which they have come to despise; they
school sucks, the government is against you, merely try to destroy it.
society is going to hell and you - as a SUNY The reasois behind the seismic shift in
Stony Brook student - are getting it the very 1994 are complex and enormously varied. If this paper, or any other for that mat-
worst of all. America is suffering from an end- Doubtless Clinton's troubled first two years in ter, wants to help promote a more progressive
less variety of diseases, according to these writ- office were a factor, combined with internal future for all of us then it should stop encourag-
ers, and the prescription for the sickness is clear: -Democratic divisions and the virtual abandon- ing people to disengage from society. There is a
lot's of drug use and lots of pissed off people ment of the Democratic Party by- the entire - role for anger in politics. But this anger should
will triumph over tyranny. People have to recog- South. But the results of 1994 have gone down be of the reforming type - a concern for society
nize how bad things are, get mad about them, in history as primarily being the product of to be fair and just. And always when trying to
get drunk and/or stoned, and go out and "angry white men." The key factor there was arouse people to anger, writers should direct
change the world. Problems solved. these voters' anger: they told pollsters they people's attention to positive, tangible improve-
thought the country was going in the wrong ments that can be made to correct the situation.
What could be wrong with this solu- direction, that government didn't work for peo- Too much criticism of politics, society and gov-
tion? Well, besides the fact that cynical self- ple like them, and that drastic change was called ernment in general makes people feel weak and
hatred makes for tedious reading, it is also not for. Despite what some people tend to believe, powerless - that nothing they do can really
very effective. In fact, the types of sentiments change is not always a good thing, least of all if change anything for the better. When this hap-
being spread through The Press a'ctually end up it is change for the sake of change itself. pens they'll just stop trying. If people stop pay-
backfiring and making things worse. The reason ing attention, corruption will set in amongst the
for this is simple: angry, disenchanted, drug- The whole culture of the late 80's and shadows of public ignorance.
using cynics become so disgusted with the sys- early 90's was negative and pes-
tem that they give up on it entirely. If the writ- simistic. The movies made during
ers of these articles actually believed in what this time period are full of horrific
they were saying then the paper wouldn't get images of apocalyptic futures
written every week. It takes a lot of concern, (think about the Terminator and
hard-work and effort to write and manage a Robocop series, among many,
newspaper with the quality that The Press has. many others). The music featured
The primary reason it does get written is increasingly, violent Hip-hop and
because its various contributors and editors Grunge rock tunes that were full
share a belief in the power of journalism. This is of hatred and anger, directed at
a positive belief, a faith that people can make everyone and everything.
informed judgments when presented with the Skinhead and "freak" counter-cul-
facts. Nothing could be further from the sort of tures flourished in a new pop
negative ideas put forward in many of the arti- subculture of discontent. Even
cles in the paper, which encourage people to news reports and textbooks dwelt
give up on our society -- and in doing so to give on the "decline of America," pre-
up on many of our fellow human beings. sumably a victim of its own deca-
dence in the face of relentless
Recent history has shown the dangers Japanese and European competi-
posed by an angry, disengaged public. The most tion. Even Bill Clinton felt com-
important political event of the past decade was pelled to declare that, "This will
unquestionably the congressional election of be the first generation of
1994, which ended forty years of Democratic Americans to be worse off than
control of the House of Representatives. More their parents." The message in all
importantly, that election shifted the politics of of this was clear: things were bad
this country enormously to the right. Before and getting worse. People were

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Page 21
Donnie Darko is a Movie
By Michael Prazak
There are certain irrefutable equations we This Rabbit, which is presumably a day-
come to know and love in movies. Some of the light hallucination prompted by the tak-
equations, though not explicitly spelled out, are ing of his medication, delivers a message
fairly obvious to us when taken in retrospect. Let's to Donnie about the end of the world. Ir
deconstruct a movie type we are all fairly familiar the delivering this message however, it
with, take one Sad Heroine (this sadness can be also saves Donnie's life, by keeping him
from a few things, she is usually a bird in a gilded out of danger on a night when a jet
cage character though) add to that a Hero from the engine crashes through his bedroom.
other side of the tracks, then divide that by a Villain Due to this act, Donnie feels he is under
with a lustful yen for the Heroine and finally multi- obligation to listen to his Imaginary
ply it all by a spectacular event that cuminates in a friend, who we learn later goes by the
moment where love either a) prevails or b) prevails name of Frank. In one visit "Frank,"
momentarily until one of the two leads dies from asks Donnie what he knows about time
poison /iceberg/gunshot/heart attack from defec- travel, this is where the movie begins to
tive baboon heart. Now this is the typical equation really grow, as Donnie's search for
for a tragic romance movie, though equations are answers leaves him, as well as the view-
not exclusive to the Romance genre. Let's take a er, questioning what is real and what is
look at a more off beat genre that sometimes falls imaginary.
into the equation format, Time Travel movies. The most refreshingly surpris-
Immediately upon hearing "time travel", one often ing thing about this film was the fact
thinks usually of some fantastical machine trans- that, in addition to providing a thor-
porting a hero into the past or future to correct a oughly intense and suspenseful psycho-
perceived wrong. This thinking though is now logical atmosphere, it also displayed an
challenged by a movie that forces us into a new incredibly wry humor. The supporting
analysis of the concept of time travel and it's rami- cast is where we find the movies more
fications. humorous moments, from Donnie's
Donnie Darko breathes a fresh air into the father who laughs in inappropriate situa-
tragically formulaic time travel genre. Presented by tions, to a visiting self-empowerment
first time writer-director Richard Kelly, we are pre- speaker (cast with tongue-in-cheek per-
sented a glimpse into the mind of an emotionally fection as Patrick Swayze) who claims
disturbed yet remarkably brilliant young man, who the world is divided into two emotions,
either accidentally or incidentally stumbles upon a fear and love.
rather unique concept of time travel. The title char- Yet the most compelling aspect <
acter Donnie Darko, played to creepy perfection by movie would have to be its development of charac- intrinsic depth and emotive contemplation this
Jake Gyllenhaal (October Sky, and tragically Bubble ters. We start off assuming that Donnie is just a movie delivers on many levels and is well worth
Boy), leads a not-so-normal yet oddly familiar life, typical disturbed teen with emotional issues, but as the price of renting. Fine movies like this continue
with a typical middle-American family. He goes to the movie gains momentum our opinion of Donnie to get ignored by most of America perhaps provid-
high school everyday, has a group of friends he changes, as does our view on the credibility of his ing the final irony to the movie itself. There is fun-
engages in interesting conversations with (the sexu- character. As we learn more and more about damentally something wrong with our society
al adventures of Smurfette, and the voyeuristic Donnie's' character and witness his interactions when a movie like this fails to gross half as much
activities of Papa Smurf are among them) and leads with people, we gain more and more respect for money as movie like Bubble Boy (sorry, I only
a relatively normal life, that is until we learn about him. This leads to a situation in which his out- know that because I looked up info on the star, and
his giant demonic imaginary bunny rabbit friend. landish claims and visions from the beginning found this little nugget of horrifying wisdom).

9S ?,e,9
Define the truthwith us.
-Isshaving your head and beard punnishment
enough for treason?
-Why did the Taliban buy up 30% of the world's
pretzel stocks on January 1st?
-How did Pat Buchanan's book Death ofthe West
end up amongst the flyers dropped on Afganistan?
-Which oneof the girlsin Hanson did I have sexwith?
-The Shirley Strun Kenny-Enron connection (c'mon,
you know there has to be one). .........................
John Walker Lindh, Staff Writer. Come join him in our
-Where do we go? where do we go now, Sweet Child, cold and wet basement room. Follow the stench of the
Sweet Child, Sweet Chieeieeild of mine? corpses to room 060, basement of the Union.
Page 22
Israel, Our Ally
By Ross Rosenfeld
I think the US needs to have its Colin Recently we discovered that Osama bin on some terrorists, or a token war on terrorism,
removed. Laden was in fact in the Tora Bora region when but a real WAR on Terrorism?
It's funny (or would be, if it wasn't sad) fighting in that area broke-out, and that had we There is no excuse for the fact that
how on one hand we claim to be fighting terror- sent in US troops instead of the Northern Osama bin Laden is still alive. There is no excuse
ism, the world over, and then, on the other hand, Alliance (which is what we should have done in for the fact that Mullah Omar is still alive. And
send our Secretary of State to shake hands with the first place), we could have captured him. The there is no reason why Yasser Arafat, World
Yasser Arafat, the man who practically invented Administration, meanwhile, was busy telling us Terrorist, should not also be dead.
terrorism as we know it. that sending in a large How many
Israel, behind Ariel Sharon, has in fact army would not be does it take?
made a mistake: their intention should not have effective. But that was many children
been to "isolate" Arafat, but to capture, try, and lie. Had we sent in suc to have their
execute him, along with all of his terrorist subor- a force, we would prob , legs, and geni-
dinates. The PLO is governed by a doctrine of ably have bin Laden, >lown off? Yes! It
terror, and it must be destroyed in order for there Omar, and a host more %gusting! But
to be peace. Now all we have is a t is the truth!
The end. constant terrorist threa And now Israel
The Israelis have tried to make peace. In times like hting, not to
They have tried and tried and tried again. But these, we need to uer, not for
still it is not safe for Israeli children to go and get remember who our ey, not for hate -
or peace. Israel
a slice of pizza. Or for Israeli teenagers to attend friends are. Israel is no
a disco. Or for a family - a family- - to have a only a democracy, not 3 for peace. The
seder. only our friend, but ou lis would be
We've seen it. As Americans, we get to only friend in an area ( )y to live side by
watch the carnage on TV. Little boys and girls, the world where our in peace with
blown from this earth. The blood of men, enemies are superflu- Arab neighbors.
women, and children splattering onto the street, ous. he PLO terror-
a river of red. A little bit of September 11th, every And there is n vill not rest until
day - that is what Israel is forced to deal with. nation more dedicated y Jew is killed or
And the Palestinians - most of them liv- to the elimination of te shed, and surely,
ing in poverty; many duped by their fraudulently ror than Israel, our all) prefer killed.
elected "President" into believing that the Israelis After And so there is
are at fault. Fed on the hypnotic bread of terror September 11th, Israel 7only one solu-
and hate. Not realizing that the greatest impedi- was the first nation to
ment to peace, land, and prosperity is their very offer its full-fledged Arafat, and his
own Yasser Arafat, who rejected the Israeli offer- support to us. But we ra, and his
ing of over 95% of the land that he had request: told them No. stinian
ed. Why did we t( iority, and his
Enter Colin Powell. them this? icide bombers -
Where did this man go wrong? I had Because the all the rest of his
such hopes for Mr. Powell, but it is time to admit Bush Administration >rist murderers -
that, thus far, his performance as Secretary of was afraid of commitment. They were afraid that must be destroyed. Only then will there be peace.
State has been a complete failure. if they accepted Israel's help, we might be Only then will both the Israelis and the
Where is the strength we need? expected to help Israel fight their terrorist ene- Palestinians be able to prosper together. And
Powell exemplifies the weaknesses of the mies. only then will the world be that much cleaner, rid
Bush Administration: the constant vacillation, the But isn't the point of a "War on of this terrible terrorist disease.
fear of commitment. Terrorism" to be a war on terrorism? Not a war
- I - I,-cs i · g · ----- · 113

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