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Vol XXII. Issue 15 "Felchih for 1 50 vears" jmu 1, Zuuz

We want our free concerts I II m I

I SUNY likes Semen
pg.4 lpg2

The 80's are back!

By Joseph Hughes
On June 2 6 t h the U.S. Court of Appeals
NoNationIUn der o

early form of brainwashing, brought to you by


for the 9 t h Circuit ruled 2 to 1 that the Pledge of the U.S. government. I'm also willing to concede
Allegiance is unconstitutional because it describes that I wouldn't want my child to have to recite
the United States as "one Nation, under god." this cultish pledge every single school day until
The San Francisco-based court decided that the they graduate from high school. However, the
reference to God was an official endorsement way this Newdow guy went about getting rid of
of monotheism and thus violated the First the pledge was completely obnoxious and selfish.
Amendment prohibition against the establishment His daughter is an atheist, so no child in the nine
of a state religion. If this decision holds up, states that court represents is going to recite. the
the pledge would no longer be recited in any pledge ever again, assuming this decision holds
classroom in the 9 states this court represents. up. Why couldn't he just go to the his daughters
The case was brought by Michael teacher and present his case, rather than having
Newdow, a Sacramento atheist that did not want the entire pledge removed because two words of
his daughter to have to recite the pledge in class. it upset him. Now not only has he sparked a huge
Newdow has a law degree and argued the case national debate needlessly, but he's guaranteed
himself in court. that his daughter will be the most picked-upon
It caught many by surprise that a decision girl in her school until she contemplates suicide. aspect of this whole situation is? The fact that the
of this magnitude would come at this time, with If I had to guess, I'd say this guy wanted nothing resolution vote was a unanimous 99 to 0 vote. You
both patriotic and religious feelings being at the more than to attract attention to himself because mean to tell me that all 99 of the Senators present
forefront of the news, due to the events of 9-11 and he's completely self-absorbed, and he did it at the believed this decision was wrong? Bullshit. There
the country now being in the middle of its war expense of exploiting his own daughter. had to be at least one person there who thought
against terrorism. What's even more upsetting than this "Hey, wait a sec, maybe the pledge is kind of
When news of this decision reached guys lack of concern for his daughters mental stupid. ,Maybe it should be banned." I'm sure
the Senate, Hquse members were not pleased. health, however, are the morons on capitol hill there were a few, but they new they'd be in the
President George W. Bush seemed to convey the who acted as if the world had stopped spinning vast majority and were scared to vote against
feelings of both parties when he said, through after they got word of this ruling. Seriously,
something as representative of patriotism as the
spokesman Ari Fleischer, that the ruling was was it really necessary to drop everything and
pledge in the middle of our country's current state.
"ridiculous." The Senate unanimously voted on a immediately vote on a resolution? Furthermore,
I can't speak for everyone, but I'd like to believe
resolution supporting the reference to God in the how truly obnoxious was it to go outside and recite
that most people don't want to be represented in
pledge, and many members gathered outside the the pledge of allegiance on the steps of capitol
Senate by a bunch of spineless politicians who'd
Capitol to recite the pledge en masse. hill, as if they regularly do this? One of the main
rather jump on the bandwagon than stand up for
There are so many things wrong with this reasons this decision has become such a huge
what they really believe in.
story I don't know where to begin. Before I go any controversy is because this country is in the middle
This entire situation is stupid, and
further I do want to just make it known that I hate of a war against terror, and the Senate would argue
everyone involved has embarrassed themselves
the pledge of allegiance as much as the next person. that now, more than ever, we need our historical
thoroughly. However, there is a plus side: in
There are several things wrong with forcing a 6 year symbols of patriotism. If the country is in such
9 states in our country, there are children who
old to "pledge allegiance" to anything, considering dire straights, you know what we don't need? Our
no longer have to engage in a cult recital every
the fact that they are nowhere near old enough to Senators out on the steps wasting time talking to
morning before they are given an education. Who
decide for themselves whether or not this is really a flag, when they should be inside doing some
says public school is free of any cost?
what they want to do. It's nothing more than an fucking work to help make this country better.

By Dustin Herlich
SU NY and Semen
Recently, news has been circulating the least when they say "hey, it's good for you" they
gtobe of a SUNY professor who has done research might not be lying... too badly. I think it is pretty
pertaining to the absorption of chemicals from funny that this is considered international news.
semen through the walls of the vagina. Let's Maybe we need something like this to take our
review this in English... A professor in the good mind off the less important news in the world,
'ol SUNY system has been trying to figure out if like the little war thing we are fighting, or how
the joy juice really deserves the name. Apparently, major corporations that our economy depends on
Vitamin S DOES do a body good. are being overnight expressed to hell, wrapped in
Based on a study of 300 women (however, Arthur Andersen accounting documents.
the BBC claims it be 700) George Gallup has cum I'm honestly not quite sure what to say
to the conclusion that semen is good for your state about this research. There are those that can say
of mind. I'm not sure about the rest of you, but "well, this may lead to improved medication to
something about this makes me wonder. Wonder promote happiness in depressed individuals" or
not only about my tuition money, but about more some other such bullshit. Then we can all pay
important things. Like what sorority lent out their millions and millions of dollars to get a sensation
girls for this "experiment"? Or better yet, what most people get for free, or however close to it a
kind of sick Viagra laced old mind even begins to bottle of Jack Daniels will cost.
care about this? The scientist in me finds a few I remember growing up, and one of my . uuiu itLoe una mere is now a use ror me
flaws. I remember in 3 rd grade, when they talked elementary school teachers was all about how male species? I guess farms are not far off where
about the scientific method. Based on that third research on animals is wrong, and how it leads to men are simply kept for their spunk.
grade knowledge, I've deduced that this piece of nothing useful. How about this? It's great to want Next time they decide to study the uses
crap sucks. First of all, shouldn't sex itself make to save the rest of the universe, but we have to of man milk, let the press know. I'm willing to bet
you feel good? I'm glad at least that the article I work on our own species first. If we keep studying the entire able staff will be more then willing to
read mentions something to the effect that if a guy vaginal absorption of semen, at least our species lend a gland.
decided to do a little tongue painting, you'll still be won't die out from lack of reproduction. If we are going to analyze everything that
getting the proper dose of whatever makes semen Maybe we should do more work comes out of the human body, get a jar, I've got
so magical. concentrating on oral or anal absorption of the to take a crap. At least this Gallup guy is quoted
Every sleaze ball who can read, and a special spunk. I mean, what could make you as saying "in no way does this research advocate
few who can't, are now formulating the ultimate happier then creamed colon? Perhaps only coated unprotected sex."
in cheesy pickup lines based on this "news." At tonsils.
Page 2

I --- Brave in the New

· World? m
By Gregory Knopp
Some fear that mapping out the brain and survival strategy, d
DNA, identifying all the parts and impulses in the necessarily take aw<
body, reduces human beings to something less, it. Some awe or m)
takes away our integrity. Realizing that a certain might be remove(
chemical released in your bloodstream or a firing the realization that
of certain neurons could be responsible for feelings, "higher" is ther
or that when information stored in the brain dissimilar to the rea
matches the encoded information just received that Santa does not
from the ey'es it is the same process as recognizing the presents, but th
someone you love out of a crowd of people, and parents do. At fi:
that certain chemicals and electrical charges are is disappointed an
the feelings of love that you experience are among cheated, but the
such concerns. Some might say that this all does acknowledges the f
happen, but is only the "mechanics of it," that there your parents brir
is something "higher than that". Some would say gifts and they still c
that God created us, and that the explanation of coming every year
our workings only goes to prove the wonder of His new explanation be
power. Claiming that there is nothing "beyond" It is different, som
the physical "mechanics" of the body might sound say better, for you t<
very cynical at first. Yet, this claim does not rule out that your parents
the fact that science has not discovered everything out of love (or t
possible about the "workings," nor does it claim in some cases), but the point is me presents are ourselves in this light we could gain a greater
that such a feat is possible, we are therefore limited still there even though the idea of Santa is not. So appreciation of what we are, and a more genuine
to the information we can perceive by our senses we can still continue living, feeling, and loving self-image, realizing more clearly our limits and
*and our technology. The point is, acknowledge even though we acknowledge that God, of a capabilities. Like the realization that gifts come
that we are the physical mechanics, part of "higher power". "Idea," or anything else is not from your parents and not Santa, it feels different,
which we cari observe, that love is a physical there. That we are the physical bodies that we can sometimes better, sometimes worse, a certain
combination, possibly acquired through evolution perceive and study, that feelings are chemicals awe is gone (but a different one might replace it),
as a survival strategy, which later evolved to be and electrical charges, so is love, that we are our but either way as far as we can tell, its the truth.
felt so strong in us because it was such a good physical bodies and there is nothing else leads to

T's a ree Country: An nd e endence

By Chris Sorochin
Day Proarhmenmt and MIditation

Anyone who's taken Intro to Linguistics and I'd never stoop to the sort of idiocy you're regulations, social programs and lots of other
knows the basic premise that language is reflective proposing. Because we live in a society with a stuff they had implemented in an attempt to look
of culture, the best known example being that the stated ethic of allowing one the maximum of self like nice guys. In addition, a social conservatism,
Inuit languages have many different words for snow, expression and self indulgence with a minimum symbolized by the religious right began taking
depending on texture, thickness, firmness, whether of state interference, please go right ahead." a very penetrating interest into the sex lives,
it's falling or not, etc. This is obviously due to the It was, in it's own snide little way, very substance consumption habits and entertainment
fact that snow is a big part of life in the Arctic and patriotic, without jingoism or bring saccharine, and preferences of the American public. Say hello
it's essential to survival (or at least it used to be) to with the smirking recognition that the country was to William Bennett, Ed Meese, Tipper Gore and
be able to recognize and describe snow in its many never as free as it pretended to be. Very American, Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Get used to the
varieties. Conversely, the Aztec languages have in the best sense of the word, not least because it War on Drugs and the Crusade for Family Values,
only one word that encompasses what we English upheld freedom as an ideal to be worked toward. as well as a host of new rules and regulations that
speakers differentiate into snow, cold and ice, again I have no idea when this expression came are both "for your own good" and designed to ward
because such phenomena are so rare in central into being (any historical linguists out there who do off lawsuits. We now live under what our British
Mexico as to render such distinctions irrelevant. can drop me a line care of this publication), nor am I brethren refer to as the Nanny State, in which
'. It can be hypothesized that as the Inuit exactly sure when it started to recede into the realm we're all overindulged children needing the firm
abandon traditional ways of life, many of their of "twenty three skidoo" and "see ya later, alligator," hand and guidance of Those Who Know Better.
snow terms will fall into disuse and the concepts but my finely honed socio-linguistic instincts tell In another linguistic curiosity, people
they represent will vanish from the cultural me that it began to disappear during the revanche no longer wish you a happy Fourth of July (or
consciousness altogether, so languages also of repression during the reign of Ronald Reagan any other holiday), but a SAFE one, as if a long
reflect changes in the cultures they're attached to. and finally shit the bed when the Cold War ended. weekend off is something to be survived rather than
Pick up the Oxford English Dictionary Since the Victory of Capitalism (and note enjoyed. But does anyone ever wish you a safe day
and you'll find legions of obsolete words, many of that it's not the Victory of Democracy or the Victory at work? How many people are killed or injured
which you've probably never even encountered of Freedom), we've heard precious little about on the job in any given year? And how come
before. Pick up -popular literature from any democracy and it seems the only time we hear the there's no public awareness campaign about that?
previous era and you'll find expressions that word "free," it's closely followed by words like This is all not to mention the growing
sound quaint because they reflect a worldview "market" or "trade." Maybe now we can say, "Hey, restriction on overt political activity and expression,
no longer adhered to by most people: "Men don't it's a free market." But only if we buy something. which was brewing long before last September
make passes at girls who wear glasses," "you When the Commies did indeed pose 11th (look for my anniversary sermon when school
don't know shit from Shinola (now abbreviated a credible threat, Uncle Sam had to walk the starts) and has been greatly exacerbated since.
to "you don't know shit)," "I feel your pain,' and walk, lest anyone get the idea that life under I'd like to leave you with a quote from the
many others. One more example of this linguistic socialism might be nicer. In fact, it's maintained Declaration of Independence, a document
road kill is the phrase that's the title of this article: by some that the reason the US government that is strangely (or not so strangely,
"It's a free country." This expression commonly did so much to implement civil rights in the when you think about it) absent amidst
functioned as a retort whenever someone expressed 1960s was that the Soviets were outscoring us in the parades, barbecues and fireworks:
the desire to do something that might be a little wooing the Third World by pointing to the blatant "...But when a long train of abuses and
bit unconventional, possibly controversial, maybe racism of the Jim Crow South as evidence that usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object
even dumb or dangerous to oneself. For example: America said one thing and delivered another. evinces a design to reduce them under absolute
A: "Do you think I should get -Then the Berlin Wall came down, Despotism, it is their (the people's) right, it is
"Go Fuck Yourself" tattooed on my followed by the Soviet Union. Francis their duty to throw off such Government, and to
forehead with unsterilized needles?" Fukuyama proclaimed the End of History and provide new Guards for their future Security..."
B: "Hey, it's a free country." Margaret Thatcher shrilled to her disgruntled That's right, the document upon which
This affirmation of freedom was not made populace that "there is no alternative" to a our nation is founded tells us we can overthrow
in some smarmy, pious, pseudo-patriotic way, a future in which profits will come before people. the government when it becomes oppressive.
la George W. Bush; it was delivered with more So the Third World could now go fuck itself, I'll be spending my Fourth somewhere without
of a piquant hint of irony and sarcasm. When because the West was the only game in town and open container laws. I'll be thinking of you poor
someone said, "It's a free country," they usually here in the U.S. of A. itself, the gloves came off and saps as I suck down huge cans of suds in some
meant something ranging between "I don't give a a business dominated government went to work public square, with hundreds of others and no
flying fuck," and "I think you're out of your mind demolishing the rights of workers, environmental cops to tell us we can't. Tastes like freedom.
Page 3
Editorial. Beauty is ite
MiniS eedo ftheB-ehocder
--A-w --
- -

Executive Editor
Daniel Hofer

Managing Editor
I LI..
-Iwxi .M

31 Dustin Herlich
We at the press have come to a unanimous they are. Like these other systems we propose
consensus that men in Speedos, specifically obese that one is the worst, and means the dirty old Associate Editor
men in Speedos, are the most atrocious things man should "spontaneously" combust, and a Adam Kearney
upon the planet. During the summer months ten means they're just kind of dirty and should
we want moments of relaxation and bliss, not kindly leave the pool/beach so the other patrons Business Manager
Diana Post
moments of complete disgust and repellence. can regain their peace of mind.
Since classes have let out, there have been For clarity, here are our recommended
many occasions in which at least one member ways of determining what kind of dirty old
News Editor
Deng Lee
of the press has had a run-in with one of these men in Speedos you are dealing with, and how
scary beings. Whether at the beach or lying you should manage them. A one would be the Features Editor
poolside, these creatures appear and cause a man who has hair on his shoulders that rivals Joe Hughes
mass disturbance to those around them. It's not what's on his head, and can't find his penis
that they should not be barred from swimming, with help from two other people, since not even Photo Editor
they should just wear more clothes, perhaps a three people could lift his enormous gut.. A five Ceci Norman
snow suit. We cannot think of any reason why would be someone who's breasts are bigger then
anyone not on a swim team needs to wear next to his girlfriend's. An example of a ten would be koppi edetur
nothing. We even question the need for Speedos the man who might have once been in shape, but
Michael Prazak
on swim teams, but the issue at hand is dirty his bathing attire is now obviously stretched out
old men, not fish-like individuals who spend a of shape. At least he can swim 50 feet without
god-awful amount of time swimming laps. huffing and puffing like he's trying to blow the Production Mngr.
Adam Schlagman
In order to diagnose how detrimental pool down.
these sorry old men with too much hair and way Currently, we have our best looking
agents out in the field trying to sooth the tired,
too much weight are, we have come up with a Steve Brannen
1-10 system that has also been used lately to let weary eyes of college students. Hope does
sad ugly individuals know just how pathetic exist. Ombudsman
JII3H Iassn _

Editoria' W ore Have n

Concerts Gone?
Bev Bryan, Tim Connors, Aaron
We arrived at the Press office this past If we are making it appear as there are Feingold, Joe Filippazzo, Wendy
Fuchsberg, Vadim Gedzberg, Chris
June and arrived in the middle of WUSB's 25th no free concerts on campus, then we would be
Genarri, Jonathan Gelling, Rob Gilheany,
anniversary celebration. On the Saturday we deceiving you. There have been shows in the Union Glenn "Squirrel" Given, Cory Grimes,
were here, the local commercial free station held which were free, the Press reviewed a few last year. Jody Jarvis, Gregory Knopp, Andrea
Leeson, Brian Libfeld, Rich Mertz, Jamie
an all day free concert. This festivity included Unfortunately the turnout was less than what was Mignone, Walter Moss, Thomas Osborn,
catered food and local bands. Musical genres at the WUSB anniversary party. This was due Andrew Pernick, Derrick Prince, Glenn
included pop punk, indie, rock, emo and acoustic. mostly to poor advertising on many levels. First Roth, Ross Rosenfeld, Brian "Scoop"
Schneider, Albert Scott, Katie Sinnott,
WUSB put on a pretty good concert. The crowd off, events like this need to be promoted on many Chris Sorochin, Chris Stackowicz, Debbie
consisted mainly of Stony Brook Alumni and levels; with well timed flier, newspaper, TV and Sticher, Sarah Stuve, Doug Williams,
Rich Zimmer
kids from around the area. We Pressers were the
only actual Stony Brook students at the event.
radio ads. The events during the year were barely
promoted with fliers, never mind the other media
options. The fliers were poorly designed and very
---1~-~ ------ --~L~~-
The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly
While the concert was great, we think it
during the academic year and twice during
fell on deaf ears. Concerts like this need to happen unappealing to the eye. In addition, these fliers the summer intersession by The Stony Brook
Press, a student run and student funded
during the school year so the students can enjoy were posted in the minimum number of spaces. non-profit organization. The opinions
it. Off campus people can come here anytime When the Press holds an open house, we expressed in letters, articles and viewpoints
do not necessarily reflect those of The Stony
to see a concert. The students are the'ones who flier every place possible and as many dorms as Brook Press. Advertising policy does not
should be catered to. We have continuously possible. While that may seem like a hassle, an necessarily reflect editorial policy. For more
information on advertising and deadlines
talked about how Stony Brook students have event like this needs a dedicated promotional call (631)632-6451. Staff meetings are held
an astounding apathy toward campus life. team to get the word out. On average, we stuff Wednesdays at 1:00 pm. First copy free.
For additional copies contact the Business
The administration thinks their new our office with students every semester. Campus Manager.
stadium will be the bane of student boredom, concerts are no different. The only way to hold The Stony Brook Press
but we beg to differ. Free concerts will do a successful event lies in the promotion of it. Suites 060 & 061
the job much better. Compare the size of the A free concert (or a cheap one) Student Union
SUNY at Stony Brook
crowds that the few major on-campus shows properly promoted will do more for student Stony Brook, NY 11794-3200
have drawn to the crowds that the sports teams moral than an expensive stadium. Hopefully (631) 632-6451 Voice
draw. The concert crowds win out in size the success of WUSB's event will bring (631) 632-4137 Fax
and diversity over the game crowds any day. about more successful campus -concerts.

Page 4
By Chris Sorochin
Political Action Alert!
It's been widely underreported, but the legal blood alcohol level from .08 to .06. That's why it's really important that YOU act.
State Assemblyman Felix Ortiz of Sunset Park, Needless to say, the wowsers (that's And it's really not all that hard. All you have to
Brooklyn, has proposed that New York State rejoin Australian slang for "killjoys") are on Ortiz like do is find out who your state assemblyperson is

By Adam Schlagman
e m e m b e r recruits the help of Spike, who is now an adult, to showcasing the history of the Transformers.
ood old days, help them attempt to activate the Autobots, who The mini series will feature all new artwork
,ou were a little they have recovered. Spike agrees to help, but has and biographies of over 350 Transformers;
ith no worries many mixed feelings after his father died when the yep that's correct, a whopping 350.
and nothing on ship exploded. Transformers: Generation One is a G.I. Joe is the comic that began this
your mind other very well written comic that is only exceeded by its resurgence of 80s nostalgia. The new G.I. Joe
hen if Mumm- art. It cannot be missed by any "Robots in Disguise" series is already up to issue number seven
,a, Megatron, fan, and even anyone who doesn't know much after Image began distributing it during fall
r Cobra would about the Transformers should pick these books up. of last year. The premise behind G.I. Joe
efeat your heroes The next Transformers book that's scheduled was that they were commissioned by the
id conquer the to be released by Lee's Dreamwave Productions US government to destroy the rising threat
)rld? Those were is Transformers: Armada, a 4 issue miniseries of a terrorist organization known only as
ing on the couch that begins in July that will set the stage for an Cobra. The story continues in the newly
ng your favorite ongoing series. It will be an action packed book released comics. The Joe's have been in
>hrases like "More for all ages, old fans and new readers alike. The retirement for seven years since they were
3 /ir,1 disbanded because the threat of Cobra had
. ....
tnen Meets tne Eye , "o joe , ana inunuercats...
A.3... . ,,
story will focus orn the Autobots and Decepticons
.Ho!!" Wish those days were still here? Well look trying to enlist the aid of a newly discovered race of subsided. Their commander Duke then
no further fan boys, because the 80s are roaring back
fast and quite possibly better then ever. G.I. Joe.,
Transformers known as the Minicons. The Autobots calls on the Joe's to come back together
.1 ..
1 . .1 .1 . ,,,,
1 -- - 1- I--1

Thundercats, Transformers, even Battle of the Planets
and the Micronauts are being written as comic books.
Best of all, they are new stories and most of them
are set after their respective cartoon series ended.
First, we'll start with Transformers. They
are" back in more forms then one, and no I'm not
trying to make a pun on how they can transform
into vehicles. But, before we get into all of that, let
me clear up your memories. Let me remind you just
who or what the transformers are, the story behind
them, and why they quite possibly have the largest
fan following of any animated show from the 80s.
The story of the Transformers revolves
around millions of years of battle between two sides
of robots, the Autobots and the Decepticons. The
Autobots are led by their fearless leader Optimus
Prime and the Decepticons are headed by the evil
Megatron. Cybertron, the home planet of the two
groups of robots is low on energy, so Optimus Prime
takes a group of Autobots out to retrieve the energy
cubes they need. Suddenly Megatron and the evil
Decepticons ambush them and they battle each other
until their ships spin out of control and crash-land on
Earth. Millions of years later they are re-awakened
and repaired by their crashed spaceships. The
Autobots can now transform into modern day earth
vehicles, like cars and trucks, and the Decepticons
can transform into modern day fighting vehicles and
weapons, such as fighter jets and guns. Now they both
search for energy to attempt to return to Cybertron.
The Autobots try to prevent the Decepticons from
doing so and also try to protect the people of the
planet Earth with the help of two Earth friends, a
man named Sparkplug and his son named Spike. had a stalemate for years. They both realize that resurrected and now poses a huge threat to
Transformers generated everything from a cartoon whoever gets the Minicons on their side will turn the the whole world. There are another two G.I.
show that had many spin-offs, to a comic book, all battle in their favor. The Minicons are much smaller Joe comic series being released this year from
the way to possibly the most successful toy line ever. than all of the other Transformers, but they are Image. First a 3 issue who's who of the G.I.
Now Transformers are back thanks able to join and enhance the power of any of them. Joe universe and then a new ongoing Joe
to well-known artist Pat Lee and Dreamwave This should be a fantastic series and I am looking series written by former G.I. Joe writer Larry
Productions who have exclusive rights to forward to picking it up in July, as you should be. Hama, who truly defined the characters in
produce merchandise on the characters. Pat Lee Coinciding with Dreamwave's release of the 80s. All I have to say to this is "Yo Joe!"
is ecstatic about drawing his favorite characters Transformers: Armada, Hasbro will release a toy line The next huge comic from the past is
and believes that it is a dream come true. based on the comic and also have a new animated series Battle of the Planets. Ok I admit it's not from
The first Transformers comic Dreamwave scheduled to be released this fall. Are you drooling the 80s, but the cartoon did air during the late
Productions has released is a six issue miniseries yet, cause I know I am. The toys will even come with 70s'and Alex Ross is designing the characters
entitled Transformers: Generation One. The first a card and a mini-comic both made by Dreamwave. for the new series, so it doesn't really matter
issue came out in April and currently three of the Another Transformers comic that will be w
six issues have been released. The story takes place released this year is Transformers: The War Within, a six
after the original Transformers cartoon ended and is issue miniseries that will showcase the first encounter
a little more on the adult side because the company between the heroic Optimus Prime and the evil bent
realizes that the fans of Transformers are now Megatron. It will be written by the 80s Transformers
much older. The Autobots after capturing all of the comic scribe Simon Furman and is due out in October.
Decepticons have built a huge ship with the help of Dreamwave Productions are not only
all of the countries of the world and attempt to fly going to release comic books though. They also are
it back to Cybertron. Sparkplug and a few other producing lithographs, posters, calendars, and wall
humans accompany them in order to study their scrolls. Additionally, Rhino Home Video released
home planet. Suddenly a freak accident occurs and the first season of Transformers on DVD on a
the ship explodes, sending its debris and everyone sparkling four DVD set. -All 16 episodes from the
inside to the bottom of the Arctic Ocean. Now, amazing first season have been digitally remastered
years later, a diabolical businessman discovers some and the fourth disk contains all extra footage.
of the Decepticons and begins to auction them off The final Transformers comic Dreamwave
to terrorist organizations. The government then will be releasing this year will be a four issue series

Page 6
The 80s Are-Back: in Comic Book Form W-
God of Drawing (if this offends you in any and pilot the ship. Jaga, the eldest member of the Universe are back. He-Man will be produced by
way deal with it). He is the famed artist Thundercats sacrificed himself and piloted the ship, Image comics and is supposed to be distributed in
of Kingdom Come and Marvels and draws but they are followed to Third Earth by the Mutants, November. He-Man protects the land of Eternia and
the most realistic pictures anyone can ever who once arriving on the planet were recruited by Grayskull from evil beings such as Skeletor, who
dream of. Well now that I've paid my tribute the evil Mumm-Ra to defeat the Thundercats. The wants Grayskull so that he can rule the world. He-
to him, let's talk about Battle of the Planets. Thundercats are led by Lion-O, who is destined to be Man will be a four issue miniseries that will be based
To tell you the truth I don't know the next Lord of the Thundercats. He fights evil with on the new cartoon (yep new cartoon) that will air on
too much about the series because it was on the Sword of Omens, which he also uses to summon Cartoon Network in August and will also be based
television before I was born, but after doing the rest of the Thundercats when he is in danger. The on the new action figures that Mattel is releasing.
some research I'll tell you about it. Battle rest of the Thundercats are the strong Panthro, the The story will focus on how Prince Adam became
of the Planets is an Americanized version of He-Man and then the regular series will focus on the
a Japanese manga known as "Gatchaman". entire Masters of the Universe cast. Intense action and
The story takes place in the future, where emotional depth are promised to be included in the
space travel is possible and humankind has stories. Mmmmm, drooling. Oh, sorry. So go pick up
colonized other worlds. The heroes are a team He-Man in November you wouldn't want to miss it.
known as G-Force, which is comprised of five Next up from the 80s and in this case early
teenagers with superhuman fighting abilities, 90s are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Turtles
who were trained from birth to protect the was an extremely popular cartoon, toy line, and
Intergalactic Federation of Planets from comic book and recently debuted last December
invaders. The team consists of Mark, Jason, in a new series from Mirage Studios. It is only
Princess, Tiny, and Keyop, who is an android. bimonthly though and currently has only reached
Their enemy is a planet known as Spectra, issue three, but with 80s nostalgia on the rise these
which is ruled by the evil Zoltar. The natural comics are going up in value and will probably go
resources of the planet Spectra have been monthly soon. Mirage is trying to produice a Turtles
used up, so Zoltar wants to conquer Earth miniseries on television, which would be half CGI
and use its"resources to revitalize his planet. and half live action. They are also in negotiations
Zoltar sends many robots to try and conquer to make another Turtles cartoon and are trying to
the planets of the Intergalactic Federation create a total CGI feature film with famed director
of Planets, but the G-Force team is always John Woo. Finally, Mirage is in negotiations to
there to stop them. The team has amazing make a new Turtles video game and a new toy line.
technology and weapons at their disposal to There is one last comic book, which is back; it
defeat their foe with. They can "Transmute" is Micronauts. Image Comics is publishing this book,
(that's right no transforming here) into birdlike of which the first issue came out in June. Micronauts
battle -gear from ordinary clothing and they is based on a very influential toy line and Marvel
fly a spaceship known as Phoenix, which is comic book of the 70s. The comic series will retell
also able to transmute into a "Fiery Phoenix". the origin of the Micronauts from the beginning.
This highly anticipated series will Micronauts tells the story of mini warriors who join
be released in July by Top Cow comics. Alex together to battle the diabolical scientist Baron Karza
Ross will not only design the characters, but to regain control of their homeworld. There are plans
will also co-plot the book, provide stunning for Micronauts toys to be released later this year too.
covers, and even provide page-layouts for the intelligent Tygra, the fast Cheetara, the young Wily Seeing all of the old shows that I grew up with
comic. This is a dream job for him because Kit and Wily Kat, and of course the lovable Snarf. being produced again as comics, toys, and cartoons
he has been a fan of the cartoon since he WildStorm is hoping to cash in on the hot make me want to wet my pants in happiness, but
was a kid. Wilson Tortosa is going to be 80s nostalgias by releasing a five issue Thundercats then I already did. Who knows what 80s properties
the artist on the book. Ross picked him out miniseries. The first issue #0 will be released in will be back next. Maybe they will make Voltron
personally and searched far and wide for the August and will be drawn by famed artist J. Scott or the Bionic Six next. How about Silverhawks so I
right artist, so he must be good. Ross vows Cambell, who promises that the comic will be full of can go "Tally Ho!" Maybe, just maybe they'll turn
that the comic will stay true to the anime action. The artist for the rest of the series will be Ed to live action shows and make a Knightrider comic
like character designs from the cartoon. The McGuinness who dropped all of his other projects or even better an A-Team comic. Now that would
story will take place from the beginning, he was working on at DC to draw Thundercats. be great. Well this is Adam Schlagman signing
when G-Force is first formed. Ross hopes to The miniseries will take place right where the off again. "I pity the fool" that didn't read this.
take some of the episodes from Japan, which cartoon series ended with the 1 3 0th episode.
were never played in the United States, and The Thundercats are attempting to rebuild their
translate them into his stories too. I'm really homeworld of Thundera when Mumm-Ra sends
looking forward to this book and I'm also the evil Shadowmaster to destroy the Thundercats.
hoping to check out the action figures and There is also a second miniseries, which
lithographs that they are planning to release. will be released this year. This miniseries will take
The next big cartoon from the 80s place a few years after the last miniseries and will
returning is none other than Thundercats feature Mumm-Ra holding the Thundercats captive
and the hype's growing faster than Cheetara. after defeating them. Lion-O is forced to go into
The story behind the Thundercats is pretty hiding and hone his skills so that he can attempt
simple. They came to their present location of to save his comrades. Thundercats was always
Third Earth because their home planet known my favorite cartoon when I was a kid so I really
as Thundera is on the verge of destruction. cannot wait for these miniseries to come out. In
The only way for them to survive the long August I'll be screaming "Thundercats...Ho!!!"
journey is to stay in suspended animation Next it's time to call upon "the power of
chambers, but someone needed to stay out Grey Skull" because He-Man and the Masters of the

Page 7
-- - - --lrl

Ways To Get
Fired From Your
Summer Job

9 Letting people drown

9L`~-·~- -- cll~l -
Requesting time off to work
CI 0-1 --- - ý-- - ---- - - - -

old people down

the stairs

Selling yellow snow cones

Page 8
never settle"

Dean of Students
Stony Brook University is a national model for undergraduate education at
a .research university. It was recently elected to the Association of American
Universities and has been ranked second in a national study of per capita faculty
research productivity. Located on the north shore of Long Island, 60 miles from
Manhattan and a short ride to the Hamptons, Stony Brooka€CMs lush, green campus
is home to an exceptionally diverse student body. Its nearly 21,000 high-achieving
students hail from 46 states and 79 foreign countries. Stony Brook is completing its
first season of NCAA Division I athletic competition.

As a senior member of the Division of Student Affairs management team, the Dean
of Students advocates for student needs, provides leadership for co-curricular
programs/activities, and advises the Vice President, Provost, and President on
planning initiatives to improve campus climate, facilitate student success, and
welcome and orient new students. The Dean of Students provides strong support
in response to student issues, concerns, and emergencies; provides stewardship
for student life initiatives that promote civility, celebrate diversity, and advance an
inclusive campus climate; collaborates with students, faculty, and other departments
on advancing holistic student development; and advises the undergraduate student
government (Student Polity Association).

Reporting to the Vice President for Student Affairs, the Dean provides leadership,
vision, strategic direction, and budget oversight for the following areas: Offices of
Dean of Students, Student Activities, and Commuter Services, Greek Affairs, UNIT]
Cultural Center, Student Media, and Crafts Center, as. well as facilities planning/
management of the Student Activities Center and the Stony Brook Union.

Requirements for this position include a minimum of seven yearsa€TM progressive and
extensive experience in student services management and administration, two years
of which must have been in a leadership/decision-making role, preferably within a
comprehensive university with a diverse student population; a mastera€TMs degree
n higher education administration, student personnel, counseling, or a related field
s required, doctorate degree preferred; a proven record in program development,
strategic planning, administration, financial management, and professional
staff supervision; demonstrated human relations, community development, and
conflict resolution skills, as well as collaborative efforts between Student Affairs
and Academic Affairs; and a working understanding of relevant student issues,
student development principles/practice, and student learning strategies. Salary is
competitive and commensurate with experience and qualifications. The University
has an excellent benefits package. The review of applications and nominations will
Degin immediately and continue until an appointment is made.

Candidates should submit a cover letter, a current resume, and the contact
nformation for three professional references.

Additional Information
Position Type: Full Time, Employee
Contact Information
Dallas Bauman
Dallas. Bauman @stonybrook, edu
Stony Brook University
Campus Residences
Stony Brook NY 11794-4444
Ph: 631-632-6974
Fax: 631-632-9211
By Doug Williams
Hot fun in the summertime! Picnics, collision of metal and hardcore. It will make
guitars, barbeques, beaches, bikinis, volleyball, the most jaded, veteran headbanger cast a
parties, no school, all-nighters, concerts, wary, nervous gaze in the direction of Ritual.
convertibles, clubbin', anonymous sex on the Ritual recently performed at The Red Zone
beach (with protection, of course!), ice cream, in Queens and blew the doors off the place. The
the Fourth of July, baseball in the park, fast owner was very impressed with their drive and
food, mixed drinks, Hampton Bays, Jones Beach; promised to have the band back very soon. Clearly,
these are just some of the things that may come this is a band that you don't want to miss out on!
to mind when thinking of the summer, and, of Other heavy guitarists you better watch out for are
course, the music never stops, it only gets louder! Gary Sappe, from Blue Point, and Alfred Dunwell,
One of the loudest bands in the from Garden City. These are two smokin' hot
:alled Ritual. players that take their business seriously. Gary, a
r self-titled young man with one of the coolest images around, themselves as pioneers in extreme metal. Their
oitself works is influenced by the music of Prong, Metallica, Black music today remains as fresh and powerful; a
a force of Sabbath, and Ritual! He has spent the last twelve unique vision of mixing the extremity of metal
re, creating years honing his chops as he hopes to someday with the groove and rhythm found in other forms
ominous put together a band and create the heaviest shit of music. Wild Rags originally released the first
of heavy ever. Gary, who is well known for his wild looks two recordings from Internal Bleeding, "Invocation
ch gliding on and long goatee, also keeps busy with his side Of Evil" and "Perpetual Degradation". These
ýral melodies, project, Wasted Daze. Wasted Daze is a one-of-a- releases captured the band in all of its musical
perfect * kind musical unit that covers the gamut from folk fury. A showcase of heavy, technically proficient
p a n i o ns to jazz to rock to...well, you name it, they play it!
n panion
vorr'a l1c Sir Alfred Dunwell, as he is known
and lyrically compelling metal. In 1995 the band
signed with Pavement Music and released their
Snake. The demo also serves as a testament overseas, is more of a modest player who rips on
debut album, "Voracious Contempt". Internal
to the mercurial playing abilities of drummer, the guitar. He is mostly a soloist that has guest
Bleeding soon hit the road with Metal Blade acts
Bosko, bassist, Keith Thompson, and guitarist, players whenever he gigs. Though he is primarily
Immolation and Six Feet Under. Album sales were
Dennis Deen. Devoted to music by early metal a heavy player, he also lets his soft side out on
impressive, and the band kept busy all through
to classic NY hardcore, the band bonds on their stage with songs like 'The Theme from Dunwell /
1995 and 1996. In 1997, the group's second album,
influences. Ritual's sound is similar to bands such Garden Man' and 'Woke Up in London', both
"The Extinction of Benevolence" was released.
as Hatebreed, Pantera, and Soulfly, to name a few. of which have beautiful vocal arrangements.
More touring followed as the band kept refining
Ritual is doing music their own way,
for themselves and damn the consequences.
Since I'm filling you in on some cool acts tfh- Tn
iqf 1998ftth linntld Tb
ir c+€lopann cnPmiin Lt: 1770, LI tJeUl
a VV
and such, here is anc again in the studio
Snake, lead vocalist, wouldn't have it any other to see live and thorc
ling their third full-
way. With the band's new demo, the former enjoyed. For i album, "Driven To
Raping Dawn co-founder takes his trailblazing performs mostly o:
uer". The album is
vocals and attitude in a new and brutally thrilling music written by Joi
y focused, intense
direction. The band has its own complex in L. Floyd who was foi
illed with twists and
which it rehearses and records, fully equipped with the famed Blacl
both musically and
with high-end sound and recording systems., Coalition. As m
Ily. Now, the band is
Destined to be the premier American director for the grou
metal band of the era, these proud sons of NY Floyd has succes Olympic Recordings
are standing strong and will let nothing get in created a sound lave released "Alien
their way. Ritual fans know the band doesn't ForeCast, blending , a collection of
fuck around and know the band is true metal styles of jazz, blues, ial either out of print,
down to the core. Now with the new demo, funk, R&B, and viously unavailable.
>» » th-
the band can let their music do the talking. gospel into a totally unique genre. They're a high de.d1 are te

"Invocation Of Evil" and "Perpetual Degradation"

Snake is a veteran vocalist with extreme energy, feel-good band and an enormous crowd
EP's, the entire first ever recording "One Dollar
talent and diversity. Keith Thompson's riveting pleaser!! In addition to their own music, the group
bolts of passionate, in your face playing, along does some favorite cover tunes such as Marvin Demo", and a new track, 'Alien Breed'. The
with Bosko on drums, faithfully discharge under Gaye's, "What's Going On", and Barry White's band will soon be working on recording tracks
familiar time signatures and tempos. Dennis "I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little Bit More." for a new album, "Hatefuel", which will be
Deen is the best new guitarist you will see and released by Olympic Recordings later in 2002.
Another diverse act that is dedicated
hear and he's got the credits to prove it, having to keeping rock alive is JGP. With roots in the Each member of Internal Bleeding brings
sh , i~ m uIi-
worked pre-production for many of today's Smithtown area, it is a pleasure to see these guys
biggest musicians. He continues to leave his still hitting the pavement with their unique blend talents a
fretboard smoking whenever he plays, leading the of classic style rock and cutting edge metal riffs. perspectiv
pack as one of the new innovators of rock guitar. Jim Gregory has once again put all the cards on to the ba
The quartet is hell bent on capturing the table and let his love of rock be the driving and ea
a sound on disc that is detailed, dynamic force in making some of today's best local music. m e m b
and intense. The debut demo is a head-on is a vi
Ana Lovelis, NYC's own, is out in Los
Angeles working with some of the industry's
the Interr
top songwriters in an effort to break her into the
Top 40. Her label renewed her contract and will
be pushing her and her undeniable sound and
That sound is comprised of Chris Pervelis
appearance to the next level. I believe an exclusive
on guitar, Bill Tolley on drums, Guy
interview with The Stony Brook Press will be
Marchais on guitar, Jay Carbone on bass and
coordinated when she arrives back in New York.
backing vocals, and Jerry Lowe on vocals.
Ripe is another NYC act that has been
One last honorable mention that will
catching a lot of attention. They gig constantly
wrap up this issue's column goes to another
around the tri-state area and put on an amazing
metal act that creates magic whenever they are
live show. I'll be hooking up with them in a
together, especially on stage. Winterspell are the
few weeks to discuss life in the entertainment
mothers of witch metal, risen from the ashes of a
industry as part of a special feature I am working
shaman war dance. Their music is the spell and
on. Keep your eyes peeled, Ripe is ready!
this spell cannot be broken. Check out the links at
...And the 2002 Long Island Extreme Metal and keep me posted on
Longevity Award goes to...(slight pause and drum
all the good stuff at
roll, please)...Internal Bleeding!!!!! Over their
-- --
_ . · ~
' ~- ~

- ~ - --
- - ~IMF,-

By American Cancer Society

On Friday, May 3, 2002, Polyp Man was the spring and sumrr
found at the American Cancer Society's Relay For \par \tab For more informati
Life event at SUNY Stony Brook... and promptly on Polyp Man or American Can
removed. Dressed in red tights and a conspicuous Society events and prograr
red suit, Polyp Man harassed participants as they contact the American Cancer Soci<
walked around the university track to fight cancer. at 800-ACS-2345 or www.cancer.c
Polyp man is the villain in the In the first Relay For I
American Cancer Society's new colon cancer event of the 2002 season on Lc
awareness public service campaign, which Island, 225 participants raised m
states, "Colon cancer almost always starts with than $8,000 to support Ameri<
a polyp," and urges all adults 50 and older to Cancer Society research, edticati
"Get the test. Get the polyp. Get the cure." advocacy and patient and farn
About half of all colon cancer deaths service programs at SUNY Stc
can be detected if polyps are found early Brook on May 4th and E
when they are benign. Colon cancer is the The overni 1
second leading cause of cancer death in the erlobra-ion alson raised pnu
survivors candles placed around the track were lit in a
United States and well claim nearly 57,000 about cancer and celebrated
cancer. touching ceremony to honor cancer survivors
American lives this year. In New York, 10, who have triumphed over
off and those who have lost their battles with the
400 people will be diagnosed with colon A group of cancer survivors kicked
disease. Speakers at the kickoff included: event
cancer this year, and 4,000 will die. the festivities by taking a "survivor lap" to the
chair, Jean Haggerty; co-chair, Joe Allen; staff
While being carried away screaming, cheers and applause of the crowd. Members of
advisor, Chris Muller; survivor, Liz Sullivan
"Leave me alone, I'll grow on you!" Polyp Man the 15 teams at SUNY Stony Brook then began
; and SUNY Stony Brook administrators,
vowed to pop up at other American Cancer taking turns walking, jogging or running laps
Dr. Dallas Bauman III and Dr. Fred Preston.
Society events on Long Island throughout around the university track throughout the night

Coming00,Up With a Title Hurts My Head .Amb.

By Daniel Hofer
This is the story of my summer vacation. my pride and wake the house, start my walk summer. My family raised a baby bird. It fell
Its not very interesting, but lots of stuff happened halfway across Queens, or hide in the bushes (or was pushed) out of its nest and my mom and
so far... I guess. Anyway, we'll see how many until daylight. But that little ordeal didn't ruin sister decided to take it in. We found out it was a
people make it to the end of this story. Well its not my memories of Episode II, the greatest movie robin, and kept it for a week. That was interesting,
much of a story either, its just sort of a documentary ever, next to all the other greatest movies ever. watching a wild bird grow up in your house. I
of what I did. Yeah, ok so I'm repeating myself Episode II was great, really. It had all these know I'll never be able to pet a wild bird again. It
here, but hey, nobody asked you to read it. You little plot twists and you learn so many Star Wars grew up fast. It grew most of its feathers in a few
can stop now. Your better off anyway I'm sure. secrets you didn't know before. It's so obvious days, and by the end of the week it was screaming to
Ok, so the first day I came home (or the that Count Dooku and the future Emperor were go outside. My mom took it to some sort of animal
second, I can't remember), I went out with a bunch working together. I mean, ok, first off, I wouldn't center at Caumsett State Park. They take animals
of friends to Times Square to see the new Star Wars. want to ruin the movie for you if you didn't see and re-introduce them to the wild. We will never
That was a fun night. We were the first on line at it, but then again, if you didn't see it yet, I'm see that bird again. That's sorta sad, but oh well.
the AMC 25. I have no clue what AMC stands for, sure you don't care. So, the Count and Palpatine Right now I'm in between summer sessions
but its not really important to, well, uhh... Anyway, (the future Emperor) were obviously working at Queens College. Damn those courses are easy.
after the movie I hung out until about 12:00 before I together, I mean there was this whole scene at The Summer One course was a one month session
decided to go home. Now, the idiot that I am didn't the end with them hangin' out, duh. Like so in June. I took a morning course and an evening
realize that I would we getting out of the subway many friends of mine were totally lost about that. course. I spent the whole day wandering the QC
at 2:00 in the morning. If you know city busses, So obviously the dark side was playin' campus mainly because I didn't have a car. We
you can imagine how many times they come the whole universe. Of course Dooku started only had the final for a test, and on top of it, in one
around, especially at 2 in the morning. So there the whole separatist movement so Palpatine class the professor let us make up the questions!
I am, the only white guy in Jamaica Center, with could use the clone army. But who ordered the The rest of my summer will be filled
my blue hair and my soon to be browned pants. clones? Dooku of course. He was the Jedi who with working and another evening class. I will
I'm not racist or anything, but I just erased the planet from the archives. He was the be teaching kids how to swim. It's sort of a
don't trust people who hang out at the subway Jedi who told those skinny aliens the dead Jedi fun job, but sometimes it can really suck, too.
station during crazy hours of the night. There Council leader wanted the clones. Even Jango Anyway, I can't wait to get back to campus.
was a fight at the other end of the station, and said he talked to a dude named Tyrannous. Not for the school work, but being home is
the cops came about 20 minutes later. Of course, Dooku's dark side name is Darth Tyrannous. pretty boring. Thanks for reading my really
nothing happend to me and I woke my parents So that's the deal with Star Wars. But great summer documentary. I hope you liked
and got a ride home. It was either swallow I have been doing more than seeing movies all reading this as much as I liked writing it.

Define the truth with us.

rn f i *f
-Is shaving your head and beard punnishment
enough for treason?
-Why did the Taliban buy up 30%of the world's
pretzel stocks on January I st?
-How did Pat Buchanan's book Death ofthe West
end up amongst the flyers dropped on Afganistan?
-Which one of the girls in Hanson did I have sex with?
-The Shirley Strun Kenny-Enron connection (c'mon,
you know there has to be one).
-Where do we go? where do we go now, Sweet Child, cold and wet basement room. rollowte svencn or tme
Sweet Child, Sweet Chieeieeild of mine? corpses to room 060, basement of the Union.
Page 11 i
Death Eqq Zone