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Scene from Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

IDEAL CUSTOMER SERVICE AND SUPPORT
By David Arthur Walters
ANALYSIS: Never mind the reports about dwindling friendships - we no longer need them
Read all about it! The New Gospel is finally out! People who focus on Ideal Customer Service
and Support will progress to unprecedented prosperity in the New Economy!
Ideal Customer Service and Support was the key to prosperous progress in the Old Economy
too. Of course the Regressive party complained about the Old Economy. They referred to the
right impediment to progress when they said that the progress of the Industrial-Scientific
Revolution was breaking up the traditional family. As is usually the case with Regressive
Conservatism, its irrational argument against Progress is the best argument for Progress. And
that is just as it should be, for Progress is inevitable. That is a fact. We should just accept it and
get on with an increasingly better life, particularly a life without unnecessary family burdens.
Yes, the family has already served its purpose and now stands in the way of further progress.
Ideal Customer Service and Support has gradually rendered the family obsolete. Thousands of
people are leaving their families every day for Ideal Customer Service and Support, and they
have a very good reason for doing so: Ideal Customer Service and Support is superior by far to
familial relations. Indeed, Ideal Customer Service and Support beats a family any day. For
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example, single people who rely on Ideal Customer Service and Support are never lonely. They
are truly alone, all-one, or at-one with microcosmic aloneness, while Ideal Customer Service
and Support waits on them hand and foot.
Now is the time to get ahead, to outsource your family services, to downsize your family to
your awesome Sole Self. Once you have withdrawn from your addiction to family friction, you
will lead an unimpeded life, a healthy, joyous, liberated life with Ideal Customer Service and
Support.
Please take my word for it: I speak with the authority of personal experience. I am not a selfish
man simply because I live in Aloneness: I am always ready to generously offer people advice for
their own good. Wherefore, for the benefit of those of you who are not yet aware of the virtues
of living free of the clog of a family tied to one's leg like a log, I shall identify a few advantages
of being Completely Single, a Category of One, All to Oneself, a Total Individual:
1. A Good Customer is always right and never wrong. Who needs a family when he can be a
Good Customer?
2. Ideal Customer Service and Support is always courteous to the Good Customer. First of all,
you are treated with smiles. Concern for your welfare is always expressed. You are carefully
guided to whatever might suit you. There is no back talk, just 'Yes, ma'am' or 'No, ma'am'.
Furthermore, you may leave the premises any time you want, without making phony excuses,
without getting a hard time for doing so, without a lot of sulking and so on. Instead, you will
likely receive a 'Have a Good One!'
3. One of the greatest advantages of being a Good Customer - no long-term commitments
other than an installment plan is required. There are no strings attached as long as you pay your
bills, and if you cannot pay them, you may file bankruptcy, keep your house and car, and go on
vacation to Panama, where you shall enjoy the account set up for you by Ideal Customer
Service and Support. Thanks to Ideal Customer Service and Support, you are always free to
come and go as you please during business hours - some businesses are open twenty-four
hours a day, seven days a week for your gratifying convenience. And, whenever you do show
up, you will be greeted as if you were a friend.
4. This may seem like a minor advantage, but while you are out shopping or being serviced by
Ideal Customer Service and Support, you will acquire many casual acquaintances who frequent
the same businesses. If by chance you run into one of them outside of the usual business
setting, say on the street, nothing more than a casual 'Hi' is required, and not even that if you
don't feel like it, for, if you happen to run into the acquaintance again back at the same shop,
you can always say, "Gee, I didn't recognize you in those circumstances, so sorry." And most
importantly, you will not have to make friends with casual acquaintances and eventually invite
them into your home, where they are certain to inconvenience you.
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5. Now imagine the savings you will realize by ridding yourself of the expense of psychotherapy.
As you know only too well, the severest mental problems are rooted in family relations. In fact,
some social scientists have specifically identified the nuclear family as the root of all social evils,
and they have recommended that the family be abolished by political decree - Japanese
progressives are still somewhat conservative, and prefer to rent family members and mates
from Japan's Ideal Customer Service and Support. Of course, many therapists, to keep their
business going, still rely on selling the nuclear family as necessary for mental health. But there
are plenty of progressive therapists willing to replace your friends and family for a very
reasonable investment in their lifestyles. Some of them come very highly recommended. Caveat
emptor! Psychology is to Physiology as Astrology is to Astronomy, so be sure to demand
genuine Ideal Customer Service and Support.
6. Being a Good Customer is better than having a mother, father, uncle, aunt, sister, brother,
wife, husband, cousin, and so on and so forth. You will not have to remember relationships or
their relative roles. The hated hierarchy of authority can be dispensed with, for Ideal Customer
Service and Support will decide what is best for you before you even want it! Ideal Customer
Service and Support always knows what is good for you before you even ask for it.
7. Again, there are No Strings Attached! A Good Customer can just walk away from a group
anytime without having to pay alimony or child support, without having to be a deadbeat dad
on the run or runaway wife or child. Instead of supporting a family, your Ideal Customer Service
and Support family supports you!
8. For Good Customers who love to vent and act like jerks or worse, they may do so and even
get away with murder if they like, for Ideal Customer Service and Support provides the
appropriate therapy and lawyers. Aggravated Good Customers will be soothed, calmed down;
they will receive a sincere apology, a replacement, a refund, or something free to pacify them,
perhaps cool blue or pink pacifiers for their vacant warehouse parties. By the way, Yours Truly
sometimes calls AT&T Customer Service and Support just to complain; I am pleased with the
service although it is not yet Ideal Customer Service and Support. Still, I have actually
complained about AT&T service for a whole hour at a time; sometimes I was awarded a
concession, sometimes not, but that's not the point when you need a babysitter. By the way, if
someone does not appreciate jerks for customers, jerks can just go somewhere else, where
they are unknown, hence they will not have to feel guilty at all.
9. Hassle-free Aloneness is also well served by Take-Out and Order-In. Remember, anything
whatsoever can be ordered-in now, just-in-time. The Internet is an indispensable tool for the
perfection of this wonderful feature of Ideal Customer Service and Support.
10. Another wonderful aspect of being a Good Customer: there is always some virtual authority
to be appealed to if you are not completely satisfied. One can appeal right up to the CEO, take
the company to court, and pray to one's favorite god. This all makes life very appealing for
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those who miss family conflict.
11. Finally, please note that, absent a family, you will not be subject to those strange colds and
diseases kids bring home from school. If you work at home alone in Ideal Customer Service and
Support, your chances of catching diseases other than mental diseases from Good Customers is
rather remote.
The foregoing are just a few but not all of the advantages flowing from Ideal Customer Service
and Support. Now you might wonder how Customer Service and Support is to be paid for.
There are many ways to pay for it. One way, what we completely independent entrepreneurs
call The Best Way, is to be an Ideal Customer Service and Support Consultant! An important
perquisite of The Best Way is, You don't have to live with those you serve and support. The Best
Way Daytrading Program is also available to support Ideal Customer Service and Support.
Families are a drag on daytrading, but The Best Way frees the daytrader from family that he,
she, or s/he may rise to the top of the Wheel of Fortune. The Best Way Daytrader does not
have to provide Customer Service and Support to investors. All he, she, or s/he has to do is
follow the Seven Best Way Steps outlined in the Program.
Well, there you have it, something to think about when your husband gives you hell for not
having dinner ready when you just got home from work yourself, or when your wife slams
down the food on the table with a dirty look, et cetera - you know how it goes. Think about it.
Come to your senses soon, for Ideal Customer Service and Support can replace your family if
you would only wake up and smell the coffee in the computerized coffee pot!

The Living End

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