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Vol. XXV, Issue 15 "I need a borscht belt to hold un mv schnitzei -


iiben slacks" June 25, 2004

Revie
Unwl
Sony Brook University vs. Gydyne:
,,
Who really wiris?
-By Sam Goldman
Right now, 246 acres of land sit rela- would adversely affect the campus and the sur- pared to a prison. New undergrad housing would
tively unused to the west of Stony Brook rounding community. be a bigger boon to the campus than any
University. Bounded by Stony Brook Road, An extra wrinkle to the situation was research center. Even more so, graduate hous-
University Heights Drive, and the tracks of the recently added. Kings Park, about 10 miles ing, which the GSO has been clamoring for for
LIRR train, the site, named Flowerfield, is ripe away from campus, was supposed to be the site quite some time now, would be by FAR the best
for development, but who will be the lucky ones of "new urban growth" - a carefully constructed use of any new development. The University
to develop it? This question is at the heart of Mecca of affordable housing (something Long continues to think about grandiose plans for
Stony Brook University's - and Brookhaven's - Island -. and Suffolk County especially - sorely things like hotels and convention centers
fut.ure. lacks) on the site of an abandoned mental hos- instead of looking after the basic needs of stu-
The land is currently owned by the pital. Just a week ago, community groups dents. On top of this, the additions to the cam-
Gyrodyne Company of America. Originally a squashed that idea, and the land is currently pus would increase the need for sewage plants
manufacturer of helicopters for the US Navy, unused and without a plan. While SBU main- and emergency services (rumor has it the Stony
Gyrodyne used the land at first as a space to tains that the site doesn't interest them, they Brook Fire Department is already asking for
perform flight testing, as well as to house may be persuaded to look at the site as an alter- another ladder truck).
employees. Once the 'copter business tanked, native (who would be willing to do that is a good But here's the worst part: neither idea
the company focused instead on building its question unto itself, as politicians seem to be represents the best use of the Flowerfield land.
real estate portfolio. Currently, Gyrodyne leas- mum about the whole thing). Suffolk County has been looking for affordable
es land to a small number of tenants, but the So who's right? As usual, nobody. housing for years. Politicians and businesses
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majori ty l ilO WerieIld irem in unusedU. continuaiiy complain aoout the tact that col-
However, they have a Master Plan. lege graduates routinely run away from Long
This Master Plan involves the con- Island, due to the high costs of living here.
struction of an "upscale residential commu- But anytime an opportunity arises to do
nity" (read: rich folks homes) complete with something about it, everyone exclaims, as one
a championship 18-hole gold course. A video woman did at the forum, "Not in my back-
on their website spells it out: the golf course yard." This is ridiculous. If residents contin-
would be environmentally friendly, would ue to fear any sort of development that
not cause a serious disruption in the commu- encourages the middle class and college grads
nity, and would increase property values of to come to the Island to work, businesses -
the surrounding community, while still and eventually the area - will suffer greatly.
being an immensely profitable venture. The Flowerfield space is a perfect spot to
Shirley Strum Kenny has another attract college graduates, seeing as it is
plan. directly adjacent to a majorTuniversity, "with-
In a public forum held at the Wang in short distance of both the .L.I.E, the
Center on June 21st, SBU outlines its plan for Northern State Parkway, and the Long Island
a series of research centers on the land, Rail Road. It is the public's fear of develop?
starting with a center for wireless technolo- ment - a fear Gyrodyne preys on - that has led
gy. The university states definitively that the Country into the financial morass that it
the construction of these new research cen- finds itself into. Sooner or later, the resi-
ters is essential to maintain both SBU's phys- dents of Suffolk County will have to realize
ical growth, as the campus population grows that if they want their area to prosper, some
exponentially, but also its growth in stature,
h vinnr recent.lv -heen - induloted

Association of American Universities. More.


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smart urban growth is going to have to be cre-
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Gyrodyne's Master Plan, and their to have the balls to give up their backyard.
information on the campus, including maps and defense of their plan, has nothing to do with Until then, Brookhaven's choices remain
a summary of an Environmental draft Statement, being a community player, and everything to do between a useless golf course and a bunch of
were available on.thee University's web site, but with money. Their plans to build a golf course garish research buildings. Good luck.
have seemingly disappeared immediately after conveniently forgets the fact that there are four
the forum. golf courses within a six mile radius of the cam-
Stony Brook wants to negotiate with .pus, including St. George's Country Club, which
Gyrodyne, but seeing as Gyrodyne has no inter- is only one mile away, or that their upscale
"This just in:
est in selling the land, SUNY has begun steps to housing may actually lower the property values The Stony Brook Press is online at
take the land via eminent domain proceedings. of their neighbors' homes. In addition; their
Under eminent domain, a government can take promises about the course being environmen-
www.thepress.info
ownership of the land, and a civil judge will tally friendly is far from a promise, as the envi- and... wait a second, I'm getting
determine the value 'of the land, which the gov- ronmental aspects of golf courses in general -
ernment must then pay whoever owned the land. particularly concerning water irrigation prac-
something else here... It would
This has led to a vicious, public spat between tices and the resulting water sewage - is still seem to be the case that I
the two parties. Highlights include a "Gyrodyne being debated. Gyrodyne's web video attempts
Gazette" sent to homes in the area, attempting to to scare the public into thinking aniother Smith
have no personality...
mobilize local opposition to the SUNY plan. The 'Haven Mall is going to be built on the Humph. 'Magine that."
expansion of Stony Brook, according to Flowerfield land, trying to attract the "not in
Gyrodyne, would increase traffic, noise, and my backyard" crowd, but the golf course is not
human sewage; would cost residents more in a that much better.
myriad of ways, from lower property values to Stony 'Brook University's Master Plan,
increasing school district funds because of the while somewhat better for the University, con-
influx of children of SBU employees; and would veniently sidesteps the fact that several of the
create, well, ugly buildings. The University buildings already on campus are decrepit and
counters that their plan would increase the jobs old. The Stony Brook Union has walls that get
available in the area, and bring an influx of eaten away whenever water touches them, vents
money into the town and community, and that that shoot out black soot (our vent is lovingly
the alternatives - to build these centers on land nicknamed "The Evil"), and black mold growing
the University already owns, or to do nothing - from the ceiling. Roosevelt Quad is often com-

Page 2
- I I I II -

A Good, Long Look at Ronnie


_
By Sam Goldman
Ronald Reagan's administration will for- spread distribution of condoms and a compre- reestablishment of the War on Drugs. Under
ever be remembered as the one that brought the hensive AIDS education strategy, he was large- Jimmy Carter, drug laws had become somewhat
end of the Cold War. Under his watch, the Soviet ly ignored. When his administration put togeth- relaxed, but under Reagan, the position of drug
Union underwent a drastic transformation that er the Watkins Commission to create a report on czar was established, the imprisonment of drug
eventually led to its dissolution, and other AIDS, THEY were largely ignored. See a pattern? users was emphasized, and addiction treatment
Soviet satellite states, most notably East: According to the Wikipedia (where a good deal was deemphasized. It can be said that the cur-
Germany and Poland, followed suit. While many of info for this article comes from), "many in rent opinions on drug use and drug policy held
people can make different assumptions - that the gay and lesbian communities and many peo- by many lawmakers, Democratic and Republican
the Soviet system was doomed to fail, or that the ple with AIDS and those directly affected by the alike, were shaped by the Reagan administra-
circumstances surrounding the end of tion. And while drug use did decline signif-
Cold War were not really Reagan's doin icantly during his presidency, the War on
the fact remains that Reagan will go dowi Drugs also led to an explosion in the prison
history as The Man Who Won The Cold V population, as well as the current bonehead-
and rightly so. The massive increase in a ed stance on marijuana decriminalization.
spending under his administration at On another note, as hokey and stupid as
very least contributed greatly to the USS Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No!" campaign was,
political and economic collapse under it seemed to work well.
weight of the arms race. Even Reagan's foreign policy was not
No one should take that moni pristine. The universally condemned inva-
away from Reagan, or use it in a derogat sion of Grenada. The presidency-tarnishing
term. In my humble opinion, the collapse Iran-Contra scandal. And the laughable,
the Soviet Union was not a bad thing, rega unbelievably expensive and near-sighted
less of the conditions that currently ex initiative known simply as Star Wars.
Eventually, in my opinion, Russia And, lastly, there is Reaganomics. The
straighten itself out somehow. But a coui supply-side economics of his administra-
that insisted on taking over other count] tion did lead to a relatively prosperous
to force an economic system, a cour presidency, sure, but at what price? The gap
whose government encouraged its citizen between the rich and the poor increased, and
act as spies, and a country that insisted the Reagan administration borrowed money
keeping nukes aimed at another country so extensively that by the time Bush I took
not a country whose dissolution I will 1 office, the US government was spending 15
sleep over. percent of its budget on interest payments,
But, as the grand eulogies flow from all destruction of AIDS, such as health care and the US ran up a huge trade deficit. These are
over the world about "The Great Communicator," providers and family members, saw his policies all things that affect the US - and us - to this
it seems as if everyone simply forgot everything as anything from politically motivated willful day. Unfortunately, the relative short-term
besides his Soviet policy. Let's recap the rest of blindness to outright contempt for groups prosperity of the system led George W. Bush,
Ronald Reagan's presidency. affected by the disease." While it is arguable among others, to believe in its viability.
The first appearance of the AIDS virus that hindsight is 20/20, it is safe to assume that I'm not going to go into his neoconserva-
was in 1981. Ronald Reagan never mentioned it a great many people who lacked knowledge of tive legacy, and that's not really the point I'm
until 1985. When the Department of health and the disease may have been saved had Reagan making here. The point I am making is that,
Humtan Services asked Reagan for AIDS funding, been more willing to adopt some sort of nation- while Reagan deserves his place in history, we
they were largely ignored. When Surgeon al AIDS policy. should be wary of granting him an esteemed
General C. Everett Koop advocated the wide, Ronald Reagan also is credited with the place among the greats of America.
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Page 3
Winner - 2003 Newsday School Journalism Awards
First Place: Editorial Cartooning
Second Place: Photography

sub Commandante
TORIAL: Construction
Joe Filippazzo Junction, What's Your Function?
Unmanageable Editor Everyone knows that Administration wants to But d oesn't the university want as many people
Mike Billings make the campus as attractive as possible for both the to know abc )ut the pretty things they're building as
outgoing graduates and the incoming students alike but possible? D on 't tell me it's a s urprise because SBU
A Socialist Editor are those their only motives? would NEVE %Rsurprise us with a new Staller Plaza.
Amberly Timperio Firstly, the university wants to impress poten-' Surprises dori' t make them money. So the question then
tial students so that they enroll here. Why? Because is, why woulI .Stony Brook University wait until the day
Biz Mikey high enrollment makes S.U more money. Secondly, after gradualtion - after all the alumni have left and
they want to impress the students that are graduating, before the op)en houses start - to tear up the plaza? It
Michael Prazak Why? Because graduates become alumni and alumni get may be beca use this is a high traffic area, but there
jobs and jobs get them money. Impressed alumni will were never a ny signs or even mailings about what was
Nudes Editors share their money with the university. Does the uni- going to be built. The fences and bulldozers just
Brittany Brockner versity beautify ANYTHING on campus during the shool showed up w ith no forewarning. So the motive is defi-
David K. Ginn year? Of course not. You're already enrolled and they nately not m(oney. Then what couid it be ?
already have your money and no one's graduating for an Well, unfortunately for the university, bad
Feat. Editor Exclusive! entire year so there's no rush. But when the end of the publicity sca res away inverstors faster than good pub-
Melanie Donovan vear anDroaches. imnress they must! This university licitv attract s them. So, instead of telling everyone
will spend countless thousands that they plan on building a new Staller
* Arts Editor dollars to make slightly mc Plaza because a student committed
Meri Wayne countless thousands of dolla suicude there, they think that a more log-
and they're not ashamed of it ical plan of action is to erase everyone's
the least. In fact, they usual memory of anything that can be consid-
Pharoah of Phocus put up little expensive signs a ered "bad press" on campus. The Staller
Jowy Romano- colorful schematics at the co Plaza was sadly the site of Stony Brook
struction sites to grab the atte student David Alm's suicide last year.
Ctpy EditOr tion of a few fat wallets. When it happened, the university barely
Andrew Pernick For example, the "Scho said anything in an apparent attempt to
I1. YX
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Walk
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keep everyone's attention away, but some
Counterproductive
of Thought

built outside the Union. There is of us noticed. What happened to the


Manager an expensive little sign in front of memorial placed by friends of David
Tom Senkus the building with words like Alm? Why won't they tell us what their
"culture" and "beauty" on it and it's firmly planted in plans are? NNhy is this university so afraid of trans-
Webslinger a small dirt mound for everyone to see. In the back of parency? No w, while no one is lookinig, they have comýi
Adam Hunter the Union, there is a very large, colorful schematic of pletely guttec1 the area. Is the plaza beinmg remodeled to
the planned walkway placed in plain view. This is how prevent furth,,r tragedy or to make us forget what took
it's usually done. But for some reason, the construction place there? We hope it is the former because forget-
Uberbudsman that is is being done at the Staller Plaza has no expen- ting is out of "the question.
Dustin Herlich

Staff -
sive signs and no colorful schematics.

EDITORIAL: Criticism of "Fahrenheit


I

Jeff Blanch, Anthony Brancato, Bev


Bryan, Steve Chao, Tom Clark, Tim
Connors, Rich Drummbnd, Mike
"Bubblz" Fabbri, Aaron Feingold, -
9/11"
~ __
Falls
~
Woefully
_I , _
Short
___ __
Vincent Festa, Chris Genarri, Rob Opening in just 868 theatres nationwide on ganda from a filmmaker looking to further a personal
Gilheany, Bill Gioconda, Pam
Gradowitz, Sam Goldman, Emily June 25, Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11" earned an agenda. There are several holes in this idea, the first
Gustafson, Jackie Hayes, Steph Hayes, impressive $29.8 million, a number previously of which is the false assumption that documentaries are
Russ Heller, Joe Hughes, Adam
Kearney, Gregory Knopp, Rob Kruper, unheard of by a documentary. One may wonder how a supposed to be unbiased. The fact is, it is virtually
Brian Libfeld, Gary Lubrat, Jamie documentary ends up being the number one film in the impossible for a film not to have a point of view, and
Mignone, Walter Moss, Ceci Norman,
Natalie Parker, RobPearsall, Scott Perl, country in the middle of the summer blockbuster sea- having one does not disqualify a work from being
Ana Maria Ramirez, Lou McMurray, son, but the answer becomes apparent when taking into labeled a documentary. Directors choose the topic to
Tori Russo, Adam Schlagman, Ralph account the maelstrom of criticism the film has
Sevush, Chris Sorochin, Merve Tuncel, explore in a documentary, they decide what is going to
Jon Vaillancourt, Jessica Worthington, received from Bush supporters. Since the initial con- be filmed and for how long, they decide who to talk to
Nina Zakharenko Kempleton troversy over the film's release, "Fahrenheit 9/11" has and what questions to ask, and they decide what the
garnered more media attention than any other movie in final product is going to look like and how it will be
The Stony Brook Pressis published
fortnightly during the academic year recent memory; much of it being a critique of the doc- pieced together. Through this process, a documentary
and twice during the summer inters- umentary's content from right-wing groups and indi- will always have a point of view, making the previous
ession by The Stony Brook Press, a stu-
dent run and student funded non- viduals. criticism moot.
profit organization funded by the Most of the of the disparagement focused on Further, Moore never contends that the film is
Student Activity Fee.
The opinions expressed in letters, Moore's film, however, is totally unfounded. When objective; and he has actually been quite open about the
articles and viewpoints do not nec- examining the vast majority of Republican critiques, clear political stance of the movie. This has caused
essarily reflect those of The Stony the most common phrase one finds is "I haven't actual-
Brook Press. some critics to label the film a piece of propaganda.
Advertising policy does not ly seen this film, but..." A prime example of this comes Despite the word's negative connotations, Webster's
necessarily reflect editorial policy. from White House Communications Director Dan defines propaganda as "the spreading of ideas or infor-
For more inriformation on advertising
and deadlines call (631)632-6451. Staff Bartlett who spoke both for himself and on behalf of the mation to further or damage a cause." Moore has
meetings are held Wednesdays at 1:00 President when he stated, "This is a film that doesn't remained intentionally transparent regarding his goal
pm. First copy free. For additional
copies contact the Business Manager. require us to actually view it to know it's filled with of ousting Bush in the next election, and the film does
The Stony Brook Press
factual inaccuracies." This contention is completely contain a great deal of information pertaining to why
Suites 060 & 061 ludicrous. Sifice when is it acceptable to judge some- this should be done, so the label of "propaganda" is a
Student Union thing without. seeing it? How can Bartlett even know fitting one. In fact, every single critical review of the
SUNY at Stony Brook
Stony Brook, NY 11794-3200 what facts are in it if he did not see the movie? The film would be called propaganda when the same line of
(631) 632-6451 Voice answer is; he can't. reasoning is followed.
(631) 632-4137 Fax
e-mail: sbpress@ic.sunysb.edu Another popular complaint about "Fahrenheit Looking closely, however, this may not be true
--- www. thepress.info
-- 9/11" is that that the film is basically biased propa- since most of the criticisms of "Fahrenheit 9/11" do
Page 4
hkLI More Editorials and A
Pathetic Cry for Help
not bother to actually dispute any of the information in the film. While' Overall, the criticism of "Fahrenheit 9/11" falls short. Every
many Republicans are quick to point out that the documentary is full of ontention put forth by Moore s backed up with documentation and/or
lies, few are good enough to give specifics. The only factual disparity redible testimony from experts, authors, and politicians. His detrac-
that has been mentioned involves the idea that Bush allowed several ors, on the other hand, use generalities and misinformation to impo-
Saudi royals and members of the Bin Laden family to flee the country ently attack the film. For example, conservative Fox News personality
right after September 11th. While the order was actually signed by for- ýill O'Reilly calls the film "Slick propaganda that indicts President
mer Counterterrorism Chief Richard Clarke, Bush chose to allow this lush for a variety of things, using cut-and-paste video interspersed
action to happen, so some of the blame does indeed fall on him. Moore's vith the opinions of far-left people such as Representatives Jim
main problem with this, though, is the fact that only a small minority of IcDermott and John Conyers." In other words, Moore has put together a
these people, some of whom were directly related to Osama Bin Laden, ilm that uses information from credible sources to espouse a particular
were questioned by the FBI before being allowed to leave the country, an iew point. Congratulations Mr. O'Reilly, you've just unwittingly stum-
idea that most critics fail to address. led on the definition of a documentary.

Stan Lee, Please Move In With Us


Dear Stan, have a pretty huge backyard, regulation-size Simek (Penmanship is always a plus).
basketball hoop, and a veritable parking lot out The reason we all livejtogether is that
How have you been doing? My name is on the front lawn. See map for detailed we are friends from working at a newspaper on
Joe Filippazzo and I am writing this letter with schematics. On a side note, the rent would be campus called The Stony Brook Press. I am the
my good friend and housemate Mike Billings. about $355 a month, but our landlord John is Executive Editor and Mike Billings is the
We are college students at Stony Brook pretty lenient on timing, so don't worry about Managing Editor. We are not the "official" cam-
University in Long Island, New York. I am a it too much. pus newspaper but we are the best publication
Physics major and Mike is a Psychology maj. r If you move in, you would be living with at Stony Brook University. By the way, we have
and we are both 21. Right now we are livin in five other people. Now, you already know Mike really good news for you. If you were to move
a nice house with four other people. It's cozy and me, but we wanted to mention the other in with us, we are prepared to offer you a spot
and there are two bathrooms but we think the three people. Dustin lives downstairs and is a on our editorial board as the editor of the
dryer is broken.. Once we give our landlord nice guy but sometimes he doesn't clean the comics section. We have seen the work that you
John the rent though, he will fix it. George Foreman. He is in Spain for the summer have done in the comic book industry in the
Anyway, we are writing you because one working on a boat though so the Foreman's been past and frankly... we were very impressed.
Just make sure you keep your Wednesdays at 1
of the people we live with, a girl named Jackie, pretty clean. Mike Prazak, a Philosophy major,
just graduated and is moving to Philadelphia. also lives in the house with us. You might think pm free for our staff meetings.
This means that there is now a vacancy in our that having two Mike's in the house would get In closing, we just wanted to ask you
East Setauket abode. Before we ask our other confusing and you'd be right. We have easily first before we asked our friend Sam Goldman to
friends, however, we figured we should give you remedied the situation though by referring to move in. We are all very easy-going and we
a shot at it. Although we have never met you in them as "Billings" and "Prazak". This is a com- really want you to consider our offer but take
real life, we have seen a lot of your television mon practice and can be applied to other names your time. We know it can be a tough decision.
and movie appearances and we have read a lot of as well. If someone else named Stan Thomas, for If you have any other questions, please feel free
your comics; and you seem like a genuinely example, moved in we would probably call you to write to us or call either of our cellular
"Lee" and "Thomas" or maybe he would still be phones. Mine is 1-land Mike's is
nice guy.
We realize, you probably already have a Stan and we could call you "The Man". Since 1- # Or you can call our newspa-
house, but our house is pretty nice. Here's a you moved in first, though, you'd have dibs. per office at 1-631-632-6451. We are there a
verbal tour: We live in a small suburban neigh- Finally we come to Jess. She's also a really nice lot. Thank you for your time and consideration.
borhood in East Setauket, New York. There are person but she is moving out in January so
five bedrooms, two bathrooms (one full), wash- there will be another vacancy. Since you came Sincerely,
er and (soon-to-be fixed) dryer, fully equipped in on your own, we figured it would only be fair
kitchen, a relatively spacious living room, and to let you pick the other person. It can be any- Joe Filippazzo and Mike Billings
two small closets. In terms of the exterior, we body you want, like, say, John Romita or Artie

UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS

Page 5
Stony Brook Press Basketba Te im
Reaches New LoWS ByMike Billings
This season was supposed to be remem- comparisons to various super heroes despite Connecticut who has remained anonymous due
bered as the one that changed everything. his continuing weight problem, after games to judicial law. Although she still managed to
Although The Press had been dominating the Flip would blame the refs and his other team- produce impressive numbers, Melanie's pre-
Stony Brook Intramural Basketball League for mates whenever they incurred a loss. carious situation had a disastrous affect on
almost half a decade, the expectations teamI- morale,
:...-iii".:
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a 1-concept
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that
-, - ,rC
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became a
before this past season were absurd. iarsn reality at the ena of tne season.
Every record on the books was going to be In a fitting end to a mediocre year,
shattered. The additions of Mike Billings rhe Press put on an embarrassing display
and Bev Bryan to the already frightening n the Pritchard Gym. Unable to find an
tandem of Joe Filippazzo and Melanie >pponent that was willing to play them,
Donovan were going to make The Press the he team became completely unraveled.
most uncompromising force the league delanie Donovan could not even attend the
had ever seen. There was even talk of The Yame due to her court proceedings in
Press going undefeated, a feat which no lonnecticut. Bublz was called up to start
team has come close to accomplishing -or her, but in a statement of protest
since the inception of the SBIBL. This igainst the way the season went, refused
team was poised to be the best, but at this o wear his "Death to Fascists" T-shirt,
point, spectators are simply wondering he standard uniform of The Press. Flip
what could have possibly gone wrong.
Before it all, started, the world
AJt-9
Donovan
4elaflie
.ttempted to challenge several passersby,
)ut to no avail; it appeared as if other
already knew about the stars of The Press.
Center Joe Filippazzo had finally reached 03 Z4
30 ...
"AL layers had shunned The Pressjust as the
)ublic had.
At this point, the team is being com-
and surpassed his potential, becoming the
single most dominating player in the pletely dismantled. Melanie has opted
league. After a string of mediocre hip- out of her contract and is looking at free
hop albums and several embarrassing forays The team also had to adjust to the hasty agency; assuming she doesn't land in jail by the
into the world of movies, Flip came into his own additions of aging superstars Mike Billings and start of next season. Bev sustained serious
when he decided to focus his energies on the Bev Bryan. While both are. far past their knee injuries and is contemplating retirement.
game. Shooting guard Melanie Donovan seemed primes, management felt that having another Most surprising of all, however, is the fact that
to be improving exponentially every year while pair of future hall of famers would ensure a Flip is demanding to be traded. Brought in sev-
maintaining an immaculate media image that title and stimulate ticket sales. Unfortunately, eral years ago as the foundation of the team, the
garnered her several lucrative endorsement this turned out to be a mixed blessing. It was idea of trading Flip was supposed to be ludi-
deals. Add to this the fact that she was draft- obvious that both joined The Press to cap off crous; but the concept has become a reality.
ed right out of high school, it is easy to under- their illustrious careers with championship The problem that remains is the fact that Flip's
stand how she got to be so popular. To go along titles, and each took a significant pay-cut to do contract iS so biated that it would be impossi-
with this duo, the strong supporting cast of so. While fans were excited about the new per- ble to make a trade where iTh'
- Pre s'gts i(qual
Mike "Bublz" Fabbri, Sam Goldman, and sonnel, the two new starters were oft criticized value. The Statesman has offered to give up
Amberly Timperio, helped The Press become as mercenaries who abandoned their previous James Bouklas, Peter Sunwoo, James Caston, and
the team to beatin' the SBIBL. teams for selfish reasons. Mansoor Khan in exchange for Flip, but Press
Despite The Press's recent success, The worst distraction of them all, how- management has repeatedly stated that they
however, the team's prospects appeared to be ever, would come from embattled shooting would need to obtain quality players if they
grim by the commencement of training camp. guard Melanie Donovan. Throughout the season, were to let their star go.
Flip, listed to be a menacing 5'7" and 120 lbs., much of her accomplishments would be over- No one can be certain how this soap
came into training camp clearly looking to be shadowed by her impending rape case -in opera is going to end. Though Mike Billings has
on the friendly *sideof 400 lbs. Although he Connecticut. Although now seemingly imbed- agreed to stay with the team for another year,
was still a player to be reckoned with, Flip was ded in Stony Brook's consciousness, the news of that will pale in comparison to the possible
visibly hindered by the results of his purport- the arrest was initially shocking, to say the exodus of superstars The Press is facing. The
ed thrice-daily Mallomar binges. Not helping least. No one expected to see a role model such only thing that is certain right now is that this
the situation was Flip's narcissistic attitude. as Melanie dragged out of her Floral Park man- has been a year that everyone on the team will
On top of the fact that he constantly referred to sion after allegedly forcing her perverted sex- be quick to forget.

,, ,-i 1, c----
~-- -~
himself as "pretty" and issued several self- ual machinations on an innocent groupie from
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Page 6
- -1 I ~s -I ---

Are KidIs the Selfish Mary-Kate


Ones? I By Tara Lynne Groth
Olsen Finally
I accompanied my mom shopping at a these girls look up to that white-trash moth-.
Macy's in the Hamptons on a recent June er. They look to her for advice. She may one
morning, a task that usually leaves me feeling day try to set them up with somebody based
Realizes She's
aggravated. For the first time, this was avoid- on her judgment. I wonder to myself: did she
ed, but now I realize a slight conflict has been have those two kids with one of the main pur-
rolling around my head, and it was due to poses being to take care of her when she is old
a Tub-tub
parts of the conversations that were had. and unwell?
This conflict that I speak of revolves In this light, having kids is the self-
around kids, little people I've been sur- ish act.
rounded by this past week through a multi- . Carousels are not my favorite carnival
tude of babysitting gigs, which may place ride. Even theones where you can grab the
them in good favor, or perhaps not. My mom brass ring, there's too much predictability
Anorexia Logical
means well, and she was pitifully coercing me involved. Ferris wheels may fall under the Solution for Obese
into emailing this guy who is the son of one of same category to some people but, during the
the ladies she works with. Supposedly he's an right weather, the view is usually worth the
extremely shy one - which makes me less monotony of going round and round, and you
t Teen
interested in him.. and he happens to live .. know it. As I was shuffling past a carousel
not too long ago, I hear a little girl on
in a neighboring town - making it all the
more appealing to her foi
. i.
rses yell, "Grandpa,
The Only "Full House" Now
versation, when controlle. quick and look at me!" is Mary-Kate's Ding-Dong-
mainly outlined the cours grandpa walking over
(mine, specifically). I d idpa-ish smile, waving Clogged Arteries
any of this to sound clic ng's offspring. This
that may be further. und< that if someone could
closing of this piece. of having their own Now "It Takes Two" Fistfuls
So this outline, if e of them, then maybe
pretty clich6d in itself I want to ensure that of Bear-Claws to Satiate
someone through
friend, tolerate each o
m dren could be around
k-up. Perhaps having
This Olsen Planetoid
show off a flashy engage idchildren make you
ring, do the marriage t hai valued. America Quickly Loses Interest
eymoon your asses off f you have kids, they
buy the home, pay the you, and they know in Un-cute Twins; Insists
(Trainspotting, anyone?), you tell them. They Plumpers Porn is Only Way to
KIDS. Notice the sentenc you (I don't want to
there, because so does yoi ak for everyone). Make Reparations to Society
That's the first point. I fe y're learning every-
children will not be a pari from walking, talking, By Joe Filippazzo
future. To me, there are to rs, how and where to
places I dream to go and shit, what's good/bad, Mary-Kate Olsen hA been a little
that I want to do that I nee ot to talk to strangers; weighed down lately after publicly admitting to a
in a position where I ci re's a lot of stuff they recent bout with anorexia. This larger-than-life
plish them without the ch ve to keep in line. The Olsen decided that it was time to see.k help after
of giving life, maintain )int being, the parent eating her own weight (which is a lot) in dirty-
sacrificing for it and w as purpose. The par- water firanks in just under a "New York Minute"
My mom's response, of ent is human so, as a and by "New York Minute" I don't mean the
course, as this proceed- human, they have movie; I mean like 60 seconds. Ashley Olsen is
ing phrase is almost created their own now distinctly dissimilar from her fatter, less
always directed at me, is: purpose. They have talented, unpopular, and now hospitalized sister,
"That's selfish." Of given meaning to
Mary-Kate, or "Many-Cakes" as this reporter
course, this is followed by the: "Who's going their lives vicariously through the gift of life. li eki. tn call her hethind hfer
to take care of you when you can't take care of Yes the cointer-argument may
chubby back
yourself anymore?" include how kids really show you who you
comment, Ma
Puh-leez correct me if I infer having are, they complete you, they're the greatest
kids for the purpose of them taking care of thing since sliced, low-carb bread. In truth, manager, Da(
blame myseli
you in your elderly years a selfish act. To this may hold water.
have those future plans for the people you It still remains that those who choose "It was only
have decided to bring into the world seems to to have children may haVe that latent notion time. I mean,
be the ultimate in selfishness, in my humble of selfish interest. A just-in-case-I-can't- hyphenated i
("ignorant," in mom's words) opinion. wipe-my-own-ass plan is simple: give life, Christ's sake
Kids are future adults, as scary as make many sacrifices for it, love it, and slim girls na
that may seem. Even scarier is that today's expect it to do the dirty work in your gray Sue do you k
adults directly influence tomorrow's. I was in days. Paint your pickets white to cover up of?" Mary-
Macy's today, as mentioned above, and a this hidden agenda. Get them cotton candy Kate Olsen
woman (honestly white-trashy looking, when they're done with the carousel. Teach plans to stay
decked out in 80's leggings and poofed hair) them the best way to wipe their own ass institutional
hurries by me with her two little girls as I before senility sets in. Try to convince them ized until
check out some clearance goodies. She says to to have kids to assure yourself that it was the she can once
her kids (also 80s poster children): "Do you right thing to do all along. Reprimand any again see hei
know what we're going to do when we get selfish notions they may have for not wanting genitalia wit
home? We're going to fly. Do you know what to pass on their own genes (that's the poten- an intricate
that is?" And she didn't say this in the mock- tial Back-Up Plan: Grandchildren!). This is a of pulleys ar
ing child tone, but in the serious adult-to- version of selfishness, no? house mirroi
adult tone. I suppose she meant that they So my day wasn't devoid of maternal
were running short on time and had to rush to conflicts, I suppose.
wherever. As the children responded in their
typical interrogative ways, I realized that
Page 7
Painting Riddick Review
By Rob Pearsall
Review Pitch Black was a good movie. In fact,
Pitch Black was a damn good movie.
went back to save her from prison even though
Pitch Black left us with the feeling that he
By Melanie Donovan Chronicles of Riddick sucked. Chronicles of didn't care about her and Imam too much.
Riddick let me down in ways I never thought Vin's character in Pitch Black was an outlaw,
It was a sweltering hot day on the streets possibled When it was all said and done I had a murderous villain who wouldn't think twice
of the Naveda Painting. The Naveda Painting hangs to ask if it was written by the same people about killing an orphanage full of babies, and
in an East Setauket house occupied by a majority. that wrote the first one; I guess money really he had attitude. Now he's just a shitty anti-
of the Stony Brook Press staff (who happen to be does change people. The bigger budget in hero. The attitude was still there but now he
looking for a new roommate, hopefully named Stan, Riddick must have been spenw is fighting to save his dear
last name Lee). The scene is set in a pueblo vil- entirely on the horrible' CG; ends Imam and Kyra from the
lage. Pueblo? Yes, pueblo. Anyway, we are in a The story was the worst sci-fis il Necromongers who were con-
small village where it seems each inhabitant has story ever written. It start rting/killing everyone from
been stricken with despair and sorrow. The sky out with a narration telling lion to Crematoria.
may be blue, streaked with white clouds, but that you that the Neeromongers, I thought everyone was human.
who are unified by religion, gc tch Black certainly didnt say
does not represent what is going on below it in
around converting worlds ey weren't. Apparently
this miserable little place.
Then when they leave those ddick is a Furion; he was told
In this poor town, jugs of water are carried
worlds they kill whomevel s by an Elemental (a pacifist
for miles just so the children can have something they didn't convert. Firsi :e that can turn into farts on
to drink. The streets are bare except for some thought in my head was, a wind or something - we only
lonely individuals looking for something more to "Christians in Space: The v one of them). He is prophe-
life. One man in a sombrero is lugging two jugs of Spanish Inquisition Part 2.' ed to kill the Necromonger
water to his lonely wife who stands at the door- That wasn't far from the truth ider. All of this was very
way, anticipating his arrival. She wait s at the except I forgot to mention thai ighty in the theater. It took
door everyday, wishing she could lead a better Riddick was in the movie. Ii elf so seriously on its over-
life. She wants to break out of this poverty- seemed as though the writers ed ideas and badly named
stricken town, she wants to see the world, like a also threw Riddick in at the aracters, planets, and systems,
Wal-Mart or something. But wait, there is some last minute. it I couldn't help but laugh.
sort of electrical wire and pole off to the side. The characters were e computer generated movie,
Does that mean these people are not poor at all? given less thought than the .. sequences, like a knife that
Or do those wires hang there to remind them of storyline. Imam was the only irled itself around in
what they do not have. No, they are probably poor. one who carried over from Pitch Black. Riddick's hand or the half Furion, half
Thankfully he was killed before his character Necromonger that poignantly told Riddick to
could turn to shit. The tomboy girl from save the girl then walked blazingly into the
Pitch Black, Jack, was supposed to be here. I sun, had me rolling in the fucking aisles.
don't know if you remember her, but she was The originality of the movie had me
awkward and looked like a boy. It fooled me astounded: a planet, whose s.un rose the sur
in the first film, little boy wanting to be like face temperature
nto a cake-baking 650
the outlaw Riddick. So she's a girl at the end degrees, called Crematoria; making Riddick's
of Pitch Black who was a little jaded with the race the Furions, because he's just so... so,
image of Riddick after he almost left the plan- furious; the Elementals who turn to air and
et without her and Imam. In Chronicles of used up much of the budget by doing so;
Riddick, her character did an about-face and Helion, the sunny happy world where the
landed herself in jail. She was also fucking Necromongers are coming; and the
hot. Necromongers, who believe that you keep
In the time period between when the what you kill and one pain gives rise to peace,
movies took place, Jack grew from "boyish or another, pain, I don't really remember too
ugly duckling" to Kyra, "real people don't. well. It's not that I wasn't enthralled by the
come this hot." If real people grew up the way movie, I was just busy thinking about how
that Jack/Kyra did, I would be a fucking much I wanted to see Aliens vs. Predatorthis
supermodel going by the name Sasha. Riddick August.
.!-

These hard times have caused one woman to


hang her baby. Could she not bear to watch the
poor thing suffer from starvation? Her last words.
to her young child at this moment of anguish and
hopelessness are, "Good Riddance!" You can
almost hear her words as they slip from her mouth
as she slips the rope around her child's neck.
The dust on the streets has settled as the
day winds down in this sad, sad, picture. There
are only tormented souls in this town, all except
the very sleek, muscular Horace. Horace is
extremely pleased with himself knowing that he is
Mr. March of 2004. He watches over the people of
the Naveda Painting, hoping that, one day, he can
make a difference in this place. Maybe by using
his .rock hard abs or his winning smile. That
Horace, what a guy.

Page 8
Yeah Yeah Yeahs Review Forget the
By Melanie Donovan
Bands with lou d, yelping female lead
singers always catch the music listeners'
ears. The Yeah Yeah 5Yeahs punk/garage band
each other / We're like a sister and a broth-
er," and that's just plain fun right there. The
YYYs live up to their title of being one of the
Cicadas.....
sound can be placed ai mong such bands as the
Strokes and The Whit(e Stripes. But what is
the big hype all abotuit? I heard far more
few New York City based rock bands, which
includes being intoxicated while recording
most of your first album. But hey, they have
Beware the
about how good t een together for
were before I e
heard their mu,
The lack of feir
wo years, which is
nuch longer than
nost lazy-ass NYC
Locust!
lead singers in ba )ands. Another By Tom Senkus
must have had s( ong I found pretty SoCal nuevo-hardcore act The Locust rav-
effect on so m musing was' "Black aged the Knitting Factory on Tuesday night.
people jumping on rongue," with lyrics Their trademark chirps, ferocious racket and
Yeah Yeah Ye uch as, "Boy, you precision left the numerous indie kids to ques-
bandwagon. Altho ust a stupid bitch / tion purchasing Room on Fire over The Locust's
they have the pui knd girl, you just a new LP, Plague Soundscapes (Anti).
CBGB image going to good dick." And After a fairly tepid set by Massachusetts
them, they also h n between verses, .noise rockers Read Yellow and an abhorrent
the sound to foll Caren 0 just makes electronic act that shall remain nameless, The
A lot of bands to ,oises and gives Locust's apocalyptic message was never wel-
play dress up in tf ome little whim- rt.,lnm r-d
IIIC bhtter .Tt'c
1U 1 IL nice V
L$ 1 0se a a U
to bUC;
L 4 nl tht otn_

spiked belts )ers and sighs. ally personifies it's name. All
fishnet stockings, The last few catch flak for wearing pseudo-in
have nothing to b ongs on the album the band defied the rooms pa
up that persona. ean a bit toward the heat. To those who think otheri
YYYs are not the t Maps" sound. The band's uniform sure beats th
I have heard in ong "Y Control" has standard trucker hat/ironic tee
last few years, L likable beat, and eTt-.1u

they definitely st yrics that stand The band moves in short, fast motions for
niit ffirm
V UAl
the other<
I.VII I L11V.,, - V tLLo .
hPiAr orrmonnd
. .. . ... g..... ...... the duration of their madness and then all
The first song I hear ncluding "I wish I together, stay completely still, waiting for the
from the YYYs, whic ould buy back / ubiquitous four-count to demolish the dance
is the one everyon 'he woman you floor. Speaking of dancing, the band's inner
probably heard first tole." As with this ABBA emerged for a brief "pea-soup" hi-hat
was "Maps." Thi ong, most of the moment, erupting the audience into frenzied
song, with its. simpl ongs on this album convulsions, more akin to a Rapture show than
lyrics and1buizzi n iave that "why did hardcore. Instrumentally, the band gets major
guitar is a piece of ax ,ou fuck with me" props for adding a Moog to the hardcore palate.
itself. Yes, if yo heme, which Karen Normally, when a band doesn't interact with the
actually break th eems to know about crowd, get worried for two reasons: The hband is
song down, the lyric ery well. The last being arty and pretentious, or they don't know
are very repetitive anid the music is pretty track, "Modern Romance," is slow-paced and how to. The Locust didn't do either. In fact, it
simple, but the emotio n of the song brings it represents a sort of hopeless future; "There was frighteningly eerie to only hear lead
all together. The sir nple line, "Wait, they is no, / This is no modern romance," but it's screecher and bassist Justin Pearson hiss into
don't love you like I Love you," said by any- been proven - heartbreak does sell. the microphone at hecklers. Finally, there has
one other than the pers on who wrote it, would The one thing the YYYs have going for them is to be a drumming magazine out that needs to give
be meaningless. Karein 0, the lead singer of their unique sound and appeal which might drummer Gabe Serbian a trophy for sheer
the YYYs, definitely pi its everything she's got keep them in the public for a bit longer than endurance.
into this song. any other new punk pop band. Karen O's ;elf a favor and buy the new
Moving on to the rest of the album, vocals will definitely be compared to the bum. Better yet, witness the
none of the other son gs sound like "Maps." extraordinary vocal sounds of Gwen Stefani y live. And do the world a
Instead we have the sc)und I explained earli- and Shirley Manson. This trio's first full- ; email the KF and insist, no,
er, yelping included. AJost of the songs in the length release is hopefully just a glimpse of emand that the between-set
beginning of the albuim are light, fun and what is yet to come from the YYYs. dirt bike movies must be
catchy. For example , in the song "Cold ..
ot n.IdA
pp
immeAdiaqte1i I
y

Light," the lyrics incl ade "We could do it to



Review Review
By Joe Filippazzo
It seems to me like there is so much about. It's called 1984 about banging cocktail waitresses
an exorbitant amount of reviews on and it's about not being able to two at a time.
these two pages. I feel like we think about what you want. I bet Here's my review of these
should be able to decide for our- they have reviews up the wazoo in two pages: Melanie Donovan sure
selves what we like and what we do 1984-seckatchewan. I mean, I does have a lot to say about stuff. I
not like without some "newspaper", never read the book but my dad bet she LIVES in 1984. I bet she
telling us what to like! I mean, saw the movie and HE thought that still wears legwarmers and
really! Is this a democracy or kind of world where he can't "scruntchies" whatever those are!
what, folks? Isn't this the United decide things sucks. And my dad's Go listen to some Van Halen or Men
States of America, land of the free, really masculine so I don't think Without Hats. Rob Pearsall liked
home of the brave and inventor of he would make stuff up like this. Pitch Black and that's all I have to
the bifocal lenses? In fact, he is such a ladies man like say about that! And who's this
You know what these two Patrick Duffy that he HAS to be "Tom Senkus" character, anyway?
pages of reviews remind me of? right. He would probably write an I bet his nickname is
That George Orwell number I hear awesome all-American review "Cheeseblast" or something.
Page 9
Making Friday Night Plans in t he
"Sperm of the Momeni
-- By Tara Lynn e Groth
An improvisational comedy show is random "-eth" on the end of words in parodies Players," but is overdone before you even press
performed every Friday night during June, and of Shakespeare ("The Merchant of Port "play." Please, spare me. I can get more pleas-
on select Fridays throughout the remainder of Jefferson"). Song and dance numbers in reggae ure out of a tampon.
the summer, at Theatre Three in Port Jefferson. or rock are always smoothly quipped with Bob On the flipside, there's always a grand
Friday Night Face Off, or its interchangeable Marley and Guns 'n Roses in mind. "Slide Show" finale. In the closing act, entitled "World's
title, Friday Night Improv, is performed on the is a skit involving the lights being turned off Worst," the band of comedians form a line, are
Second Stage at Griswold's Cafe. Friday Night and then on while one of "The Players" narrates given a topic chosen by the audience, and indi-
Improv consists of skits reminiscent of Whose his pictures that consist of the other "Players" vidually run to center stage where they
Line Is It Anyway?and audience-chosen topics. in suggestive and what appear to be anatomical- impressively deliver a fine-timed joke. When
Each show consistently maintains its integrity ly uncomfortable poses. "String Bean" given the topic "World's Worst Thing to Hear in
of being unique from the last. explains, "This is me after I lost my circus job, a Movie Theater," one of the longer running
Prior to the show's opening you can whoring myself on the streets." You form the "Players," Vinny Russo (or you may know him
expect to hear Cartman's (South Park-duh!) visual. by his stage name, "My Cousin Vinny") steps
rendition of "Sail Away" while members of the In another skit featuring "Dr. Dre," up front and announces in his best overly dra-
Improv team migrate from table to table, clip- "The Professional" and "Disco Joe," in a court- matic deadpan: "Coming soon to a theater near
boards in hand, collecting professions, adjec- room-esque setting, a disagreement arises. "Dr. you .. . Gigli 2."
tives, locations and actions-all topics familiar Dre" argues, "Objection! The prostitution does- During a skit with "My Cousin Vinny"
to those who may have n't know what he's talk- and "String Bean" playing farmers, "Vinny"
suffered from an ing about!" This play on realizes he's milking a he-cow after taking a
unhealthy addiction to words generates a laugh, swig of cow-juice. As this may seem all too
Mad-Libs as a youngster. but sometimes detracts familiar to some- Kingpin? "Vinny" quickly
With that aside, this time from the impressiveness poses the excuse of his thirst quenching due to
is prime for impressing of the rest of the show. it being "a sperm of the moment thing."
your date with your vast This transitions "The Players" are constantly improving
vocabulary or lingering into the admission that and trying new avenues of humor. A date is not
pubescent tendencies of not all skits are great. yet announced, but a long one-act play is in the
spitting out "gynecolo- You are reminded that works. It's true, at times a "Player" just does-
gist" when asked to state a comedy is one of the most n't deliver the performance they have the
profession. It's been done. challenging veins of per- potential for. At these times you boo with the
As it is easy to formance to succeed in crowd and internally grant them the same sym-
garner a laugh from smart during "Half Life." Even pathy you would extend to the hefty man toting
parodies of modern media though science is not a donuts and a hammer parked in his Geo Metro
trends and classic film forte of mine, it can be alongside Ford F-150's and sDodge Rams at a
and television scenarios, assured that the only construction site.
it can be expected that decay occurring is in my Shows start at 11:00 PM but it's wise to
"The Players" (the group respect for the show. The purchase tickets at the box office between
of quick-witted improv- concept in this case 10:15 and 10:30, as tickets do sell quicker in
ers) will know exactly remains in a skit per- the summer season and the show's popularity
how to crack a smile or formed in one minute, has been increasing. Said tickets are $10.00
two, or three. Being that then the same thing in per person-money well spent on a show that
Friday Night Improv is in thirty seconds, then fif- ends in the realm of 12:30-1:00 AM. The bar is
its second year, some rare teen, then seven, all the always open (rarely ID). You will always laugh.
talent has come and gone, way down (down, down) It's every Friday night, hence their intelligent-
but many of "The Plavers" to a still lacking 1 75 ly-titled Friday Night Improv. Just in case you
remain the same and have mastered chemistry seconds. Sex in the seedy Stony Brook want tickets, call (631) 928-9100 or visit
on stage that is uncommon out here in "the University stairwells would probably be more www.theatrethree.org. Perhaps on your next
'burbs." Showcasing comedy like this will like- satisfying. Or the intense alliteration in the spur of the moment decision, it will be in favor
ly be discovered and move on to the bigger and previous sentence. "Half Life" is almost as trite of this impressive comedic enterprise.
better of the one and only: The City. as "Fast Forward, Reverse." This other skit
"That's bull shit-eth!" It's fun to hear a commands the pace and direction of "The

SBU-TV, WUSB, The Statesman and the Stony


a LIVE program discussing the pressing issues of student life today

1..m»1 w.......
oil Saw
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F--Page 70
Screaming Headless Torsos at Tap Bar
- -·" I· -----·--
~-~~'·I
·-·· ·. · However,, the audience cannot be solely blamed
By Tom Senkus
Berklee affiliation. That's not to say that Fuze
Thursday (5/25),; the Tap Bar in Tribeca
hosted the Screaming Headless Torsos, an for a bad show in a newly renovated venue.. is not an incredible player, but Bowman him-
eclectic combo, led by guitarist and Berklee As mentioned before, the band is led by self seemed annoyed by this.
faculty member David "Fuze" Fuiczynski. Fuiczynski, who has been diagnosed with While I'm not familiar with the SHT's
Before I do any reviewin', let it be chronic HAS by Dr. Me. His influence is sti- stage presence, there was none to speak of (let
known there is a silent killer among any type of fling. Guitar solos peppered every song, run- alone write about). To further set the record
interesting live performance: Hendrix- ning over lifeless funk vamps and needlessly straight, just who runs the show? Fuiczynski
Appreciation Syndrome. Those with HAS have overwhelming singer Dean Bowman, even oust- sheepishly addressed the crowd while Bowman
been known to make iunneeded faces uttered nothing but yodels and
while playing, ignore pleas for lyrics. He did not seem to be having
shorter solos over a static vamp, and fun.
play The Man's music incessantly During the intermission,
between their sets. Enough is Hendrix was blasted on the PA and
enough. I've had it. surprisingly, the band was nowhere
Opening up beforehand was to be found in a club hosting at most,
the apparently larger-drawing, 40 people. This is change from the
nubile jam enthusiasts The Dave band's excellent live LP, where the
Pittenger Band. Their music fol- band seems robust and enthused,
lowed the basic template: backbeat, full of crowd interaction and fun.
overfunked bass, two chords, and SHT classics such as "Vinnie"
lyrics about "walkin' and thinkin' and "Smile in a Wave". were expend-
'bout girls." The girls in the house ed early in the first set, only show-
applauded Pittenger merely for meek ing how the newer material was not
stage presence and Jeff Buckley- as interesting nor compelling enough
isms. Dave's choice to "jazz it up" to make me want to dance like no
with a 'Rhodes was commendable, but white boy should. Furthermore, the
his lack of intensity killed the band itself seemed content not to
remainder of the set. Besides the ride out a good thing and drifted into
occasional grimace, DPB was immune Fuze's Klezmer-fusion , which seems
to HAS. more fitting to Satalla than the
As implied before, the audi- Knitting Factory's sibling.
ence was mostly there for DPB, as I could go on and but if you
well as a few indie-snobs lurking remember one thing, remember this:
behind drinks and expressionless The SHT's were their name plus the
faces. This did not fare well for the Torsos. ing him from the stage to play the aptly titled inclusion of an "i". Remember kiddies, classic
Those present to see the band were of a heady, Headless Torsos material. The other members rock radio enthusiasts, and guitar aficionados:
Blue-Note crowd, politely clapping after a solo flaunted their musical skills in a fairly aca- Stay away from MOR radio and don't be a HAS-
and marvelin'g at the music equipment. demic fashion, perhaps prompted by Fuze's been.
Larry Bird Should Be Quiet, Even if viable and thriving, and that is crap. No one Speaking of Hockey...
seemed to be bringing this up when Jordan was
He's Not 100% Wrong winning six titles and ratings were astronomi-
... the Tampa Bay Lightning won the
cal. Meanwhile, I believe the best white boy in Stanley
Cup, beating the Calgary Flames in an
By now, most sports fans have heard the league was John Stockton, and he wasn't in- awesome Game 7.
Larry Bird, one of the NBA's 50 Greatest too many commercials, was he? The country's response? Well, there
Players, say in an ESPN interview that the NBA really wasn't any. Ratings for the Game 7 was
needs more white athletes, that the greatest the second-lowest prime-time show EVER. Now
players in the world today are African-- the NHL is looking at a long summer, with a
American, and that when a white person guard-. lockout imminent that will most likely forever
ed him during his playing days, it was a sign of cripple the sport and doom it to an existence
disrespect. alongside Arena Football, Major League Soccer,
It figures that in these ultra-politically and the pseudo-sport known as figure skating.
correct times, wave after wave of sportswriter In only ten years, following the New Your
has come out of the woodwork to blast Larry Rangers' 7-game Stanley Cup win, the National
Legend for his comments, calling them near-- Hockey League has went from its highest
sighted, old-fashioned, whatever. And they are national stature to, well, this. What the hell
right. However, I have not seen one column real- happened?
ly analyze these comments the way they should, What happened was a perfect storm of
so I'm going to take matters into my own hands. small-market teams becoming powerhouses
First off, its not necessarily wrong to (New Jersey.? Tampa Bay? Ottawa? Vancouver?),
say the NBA wants more white athletes, and lack of any major marketable superstar (Alexei
especially more white superstars. The closest Yashin? Joe Sakic? A crippled Mario Lemeiux
thing to a white superstar is Dirk Nowitzki, or playing for a terrible team?), and a TV contract
maybe Peja Stoyakovic (don't you DARE say where ESPN got the NBA and promptly shuttled
Luke Walton - too many people have jumped to the NHL to ESPN2. But most importantly was
conclusions after what, two games?). But the the NHL's rapid expansion into places, espe-
NBA also wants more Asian superstars cially in the South, where teams simply could-
(besides Yao Ming), more Hispanic superstars,
n't be sustained. With the marked exception of
more Native American superstars, and more And it's also a fact to say that most of
Dallas, most of the teams created or moved into
Jewish superstars (raise your hand if you know the world's greatest ballers are blacks; howev-
sunnier climates have proven to be busts.
who Dolph Schayes was). A racially, ethnically, er, that fact is just that, a fact. It's not some- Arenas
in Florida, Tampa Bay, Anaheim,
and geographically diverse game is a better, thing that should incite derision or even con- Atlanta,
San Jose, and Nashville are rarely sold
more marketable game, no matter which way cern within or beyond the sport. Does anyone. out.
you slice it. mention the fact that hockey is a predominant-
TheNHL made a spectacular gamble that
It's not a bad thing to want that, howev- ly white sport, even more monoracial than bas-
they could sustain viable franchises in these
er, saying you NEED more of a certain demo- ketball? Or that Jarome Iginla is hockey's first
markets; their gamble is now a spectacular
graphic in the game implies that African-. black superstar - ever? No one seems to be pay-.
failure, one that will now cost the sport dearly.
Americans cannot continue to keep the league ing any attention to THAT.

riayu fI •
...
...
.. •B
:.- -... us i ife
-. . - :- .
. .-. By Tom Senkus
I previously wrote :an article for the sweat suit, et cetera. driver, without so much as flinching, opened up
Press about an'S-60 bus driver. The consensus Every now and then, a druggie might the front door and diluted the air with some-
seemed to be a large yawn. Well, screw you venture onto the bus, constantly rubbing their thing fresher. Fat guy from the Waterfalls
Papa Dave, as well as anyone (except for Sam nose in hopes of getting every bit of sugar-- retirement home or a girl from Brentwood as
Goldman) who thought it sucked. Here's an boogers into their bloodstream. I've had my prime suspects, I'm watching you!
opportunity to not only redeem myself, but also fair share of conversations with schizophren- That brings us to the bus drivers. I
explain my point better. That point being: ics. That's been happening more often as I've don't know the bus drivers by name, but solely
Taking the bus sucks! just found out there's a psychiatric center, the from mannerisms. What's common to all is
Clubhouse of Suffolk County, only a few blocks their erratic driving and dumbed-down conver-
As each passenger steps off the bus at from my house. Go figure.- sations with guys who reek of vomit and cigars.
the Smithaven Mall, the pose for the mentally One guy, Frank, believed that playing One driver is from Haiti (or other tropical
downtrodden -is all the same: Walk near the Frank Sinatra's version of "Dream Away" on country) and always has a hands-free cellular
entrance, about face, lean against the wall or sit Stony Brook's non-commercial radio, WUSB phone, yakkin' to his friends incessantly,
down near the bushes, and start smoking or 90.1 FM, would make him $1,000,000. He was refusing to answer any questions or announce
bum a cigarette from one of the same. The gazes also a racist. Then, of course, we have the vast any stops (against the law). My favorite is a
switch to stares when a fairly good looking girl assortment of rehab outpatients asking me for bus driver who bears an uncanny resemblance
enters the mall. I can only guess what some of- money to help buy them a bus transfer. I am to a Hispanic version of my Uncle Larry (Tio
the men, who probably haven't touched a female sure that the $2 I gave to two guys went straight Lorenzo?).
outside of sexual harassment, are thinking. to the Long Island drug trade. The commute from my house to the
What's worse is when I see these girls park in Apparently, the concept of eloquence is Student Union is normally a 15 minlute car ride,
their parent's expensive cars while I HAVE to tossed out the window as soon as people become but on bus time, that figures out to be an hour
take the bus to get almost anywhere on Long riders. One guy kept rubbing his nose and and half, factoring transfer time. While I could
Island. inconspicuously dropping Wendy's napkins on go on and on about why this sucks, I believe
I wave a "how are you buddy, but stay the floor. Another woman has beard hair grow- that increasing a ride time to six times it's
the fuck away from me" type gesture to an old ing out of one side of her face. Let me repeat original length speaks for itself.
factory stocker I used to work with who STILL that: woman...beard...her face...!!! Pretty girls are unable to ride in peace,
takes the bus, and now I realize why he'd come One particular social mannerism lost is if you can call it that. Darting eyes all fix upon
to work already downtrodden. The recent that of covering body odor. Politely hold your her,jnd I can only imagine that her world feels
bleak, depressing weather enhances the breath as people pass, careful not to breathe in claustrophobic. I'm not going to say I'm an
despair .of riding, as the already drab colors what sickness or hygiene deficiency they might. irresistibly attractive guy, but that I always
become more lifeless. The dirty colors, blue, possess. As riders talk, their halitosis look up from a book that I'm reading to find the
black and chrome, have become synonymous becomes beyond bearable. When it hits my eyes of a spandex-type sweatpants girl looking
with lowest common denominator n vay really quickly. Ah me.
transportation. Speaking of reading on the bus,
At parties, I'd nmention th4 is impossible. When I tell people
take the bus and get a laugh. I'm at I always ride the bus, they say,
sure why it's a funny thing to be p Vell at least you could read a book
but apparently to complacent, hedo hile you drive." Negavito, Pancho.
tic suburban leeches, I am a joke.- T )nsidering the lack of tests a bus
are assholes9. iver really has to go through to be
Speaking of assholes, the pe< le to pilot a vehicle of it's mass,
who mockingly rev their engines- ading anything not written in huge
turn-up their bass louder to show I tters is unreadable, due to the
opulent they are in front of the Stu( brations and being tossed in the seat
Union are not cool. If you were c om reckless driving.
you'd offer me a ride, and then The bus. is not a place to make
politely decline, but NO! you just v Lends. When I first started riding
to show the world how small your p( e bus, I tried to chat up anyone who
is and how the only valid form of mr emed lonely to repay my debt to the
you like is the shitty kind. )rld, but alas, once you get a non-
Anyways, the reader she cial person talking, they don't stop.
keep reading to take a further glimpse into the sensory organs, I am transported to WWII, One homeless guy kept talking at me for the
subversive world of taking the bus.. where throngs of dead soldiers lay, limbs gan- length of an entire bus route. It really is a
Bus life is also considered Bizarro grene, decaying in the sun. game of Russian Roulette trying to strike up a
World. Poor people, dressed in rags, answering Men with a hint of fashion sense usual- question someone may ask you. I learned my
their cell phones. Now, if I'm not mistaken, how ly come on the bus with an overwhelming lesson.
does that work? Obviously this is not just a stench of cologne comparable to the Kevin There was a sign of hope one time. I was
one-time anomaly. I mean, they must be call- Shield's guitar sound in My Bloody Valentine., reading Henry Miller's "Tropic of Cancer" when
ing their other homeless friends. Normally, if where there's so much cologne that you begin to a blue-haired girl said, "I loved that book. It
I were homeless, I'd be saving my unemploy- notice the intricacies of it's ingredients, really reminded me of being in Paris." Now,
ment checks for new clothes or a shower at the including a not-so-hidden body odor. Yeah, the book is about raucous sex and surviving the
local YMCA. Hell, I don't even have a cell it's that bad. streets of Paris in the 20's. Not exactly girl
phone! Funny incident: While taking the S-57 material, and here, of all places, was a cute girl
On my route, I'd notice the regulars: to the Smithaven Mall in sweltering heat, some- telling me that she really enjoyed this obscure
The lady with unnatural red hair, the lady with one (the suspect has remained at large) let out book! Too bad I've never seen her again.
a wheelie suitcase that doesn't stop talking for the most methane-enhanced flatulence that has - I'd like to finish this article and add
the entirety of the bus ride, the fat guy who ever graced the planet. P-U. After the fart more cool, things but I have to catch the bus!
continues to visit McDonald's in one color moseyed on up to the front of the bus, the bus

Page 13
'uNi Battle of the Century

of Ronald
Reagan
Getting Dressed... all by himself!
I

oiding AIDS policy for as long as


sible, so those damn immoral fags
can die a slow, painful death.

Trading millions of dollars of military hard-


8 ware for 3 Michael Jordan baseball cards.

Feigning complete ignorance during


7 the Iran-Contra Affair Holloywood is
Spolitician gold mirie!

Having one-too-many Long Island


6 Iced Teas wifh Margaret Thatcher anc
Sthen winning several for the Gipper, i
you get what I mean.

larrying a hottie like Nancy and then


ing. I bet she's rebounding REAL harc
because her husband is now dead.

4 Rob got Friday off with pay!

ip became a vegetable
~ he.:
later on, so did
lt-pissing
l ^:^.
vies
.Q.
tri

i Dying
,,
Page 14
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15
East Setauket Birthday Party Attains
Legendary Stal us
I - - By Joe Filippazzo
There have only been a handful of events with no formal plans. I handed her the card to when she saw the Super Mario card I gave her. I
that could be considered "history in the mak- give to Karen. I'm glad that I put MY name on hope she realized that if she liked the Super
ing" since the dawn of man. One was the first the card and not Karen's name. Everyone put Mario card, she could use the gift certificate to
time man set foot on the Moon. Another was the Karen's name on their gifts but that didn't make KB Toys to buy a Super Mario related product. I
day two Japanese cities were decimated with sense to me since it was Karen's party and we felt really good when she opened Nancy Gallo's
atomic weapons. And yet another was the day all knew whom the gifts were for. I feel that my present. She tore off the boring, striped wrap-
Amazing Fantasy #15 hit the stands. The gravil strategy eliminated a lot of confusion. By the ping paper and saw the jelly bracelets from
ty of these events, however, pale in comparison way, I saw Nancy Gallo's gift and it was shaped Delia's. Karen just tossed the bracelets aside,
to the latest page of history, which was penned an awfully lot like jelly bracelets! probably realizing that it was the year 2004
right here in our own backyard. In fact, Karen Although I was the only 21 year old and not the year 2001. Ha ha ha! Karen seemed
Doyle's seventh birthday party has not only put there and everyone else was either six or seven, more interested in the stupid wrapping paper
East Setauket, New York on the map, but it has the other kids seemed really accepting of our than Nancy's lame present! Ha ha! The other
changed the lives of countless scores of subur- age difference. It was like, "I'm here to have a presents ran the entire spectrum of gift giving.
bians for generations to come. lot of fun and you're here to do the same, so why Dan Reilly kept up the lower end by getting her
I was lucky enough to get the scoop on shpuld our ages ruin that?" I was really glad a keychain from the mall. His present made
what people are calling the " birthday to end all that we all agreed that this was Karen's day. I everyone else feel really good about their own
birthdays" as it was taking place this past presents. Alexis Sullivan, though, got Karen
Wednesday, June 23. Although I didn't receive ballet slippers. I think this present was a lit-
one of the birthday cake-'shape'd invitations tle better than mine but it's different because
that the other kids got, I realized that mine Karen and Alexis are practically best friends.
must have been lost in the mail, what with All the other presents in between were too
America's ridiculously unreliable, embarrass- mediocre to be remembered.
ing excuse of a postal service and all. I quick- As soon as Karen was finished opening
ly went to KB Toys and got Karen a $30 gift cer- the gifts, her mom brought out the birthday
tificate. I figured it was something a seven year cake. Again, this one with the good timing! The
old could really use, you know? I wasn't going cake, though, was incredible. It was an ice
to be one of those lame kids that got the birth- cream cake, but not one of those garbage ice
day girl those dumb jelly bracelets from cream cakes. It was the kind with the chocolate
Delia's. I put the certificate in an awesome on the bottom, the vanilla on the top, and those
Super Mario birthday card that read, "Have a little, crunchy, black, cookie-things in between
super birthday!" and I put it in a light blue the ice creams. On the top of the cake was a pic-
envelope. The glue tasted like cotton candy but ture of the Powerpuff Girls but Blossom's face
I had to get to the party. was Karen's face! It was the coolest thing I had
~p~nmnr~·m~·~-mrr~·~Irr~·l·~rrrm~arrr~
At first, I was a little upset that the ever seen! Also, the cake was big enough that we
party wasn't at Chuck E. Cheeze or even D-Z (the all got to have two pieces! As Karen blew out the
Discovery Zone), but the old-fashioned back- eight candles (one for good luck), I wished too.
yard party spoke for itself. Another plus was played on the swings for a while and then I wished that this party would never end.
the fact that I only had to cross the street and Karen's mom brought out some coloring books Unfortunately, though, the party had to
hop a fence to get there. Once I got into the and I did that for a while. end. Although it would be great, we couldn't
backyard, my jaw dropped. Her dad put up What was amazing was that just when I just play and eat ice cream cake forever. I said
these multi-colored streamers and this really got tired of coloring, Karen's da'd brought all the goodbye to Karen and I said I hoped that she had
big "Happy 7th Birthday Karen" sign. It was food they barbequed to the table. It was perfect a "super birthday" like it said in my card. She
really nice. Although I'm pretty sure her dad timing! But the best part was that we didn't seemed kind of uncomfortable when I hugged
made it himself, it looked really professional. I have to eat at the table if we didn't want to! her goodbye but I was leaving anyway. As
liked that Karen's parents went all out for her They put a big blanket out on the grass and we everyone's moms came to pick them up, I hopped
party but were still smart about it. When I first had like a picnic! It was a My Little Pony blan- over the fence again, crossed the street and went
got ere, Karen's mom kipd of looked at me ket and that was kind of corny but I didn't real- into my house. I knew that was going to be a
funny and asked how I found out about the ly care because no one else really did. We were great birthday even before I got there and I feel
party. I told her that we have lived across the all about the barbeque right then. I had a hot- really lucky that I was at the best birthday
street from eatch other for over one year now and dog and a hamburger; both just wit h ketchup. party in history. Karen should feel really spe-
I felt that we were at that point in our relation- After we finished eating, Karen opened the cial and have the same party or better next year.
ship where her daughter and I could hang out presents. When she got to mine, she smiled
I -1

Mi: musica odysseybyom Senkus


AI musical odyssey by Tom Senkus
- I I I

"All Mixed Up" - Red House Painters "Asleep" - The Smiths


"Pro-test" - Skinny Puppy "The Girls of Porn" - Mr. Bungle
"Back In '79" - Toy Dolls "Crown of Storms"- Lightning Bolt
"Dark Angel" - VNV Nation "Styrofoam Plates" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Unsquare Dance" - Dave Brubek Quartet "Animal Farm" - The Kinks
"Now" - Nomeanso "War on War" - Wilco
"Then Comes Dudley" - Jesus Lizard "Dead" - They Might Bet Giants
"At Home He's a Tourist" - Gang of Four "Night of the Living Dead" - Misfits
"Carey" - Joni Mitchell "Such Sweet Thunder" - Duke Ellington
"Dial Up!" - Ted Leo & The Pharmacists
- I · I · I

Page 16
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1. The Volk )n's S- over a squirrel


'C.**:
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ke .: So Jess must car. There's a screech inthe engine.
noise. Lasers e Sound issoul of squirrel.

i,
Is irnspe(
!!fffwiii:i~i. When something goes wrong,
here is ii, 'ill pass. Kick car to release anger.
.Fuck you, stuff. TMake one problerm two.

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Yout Sfront. .o the wdll of cars,

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Ias bf trunt ).r them too fast,
sbewdre fu off the car.

Page 17
- : .-
-- .:

Em '
....
..
...
...
....
..
...
...
.... ... .. . . ... ...
.....
.........
..
..
. ....
.....
A new fixture to The Press this month is the
addition of the Tag Team article. As in wrestling, the
rules remain the same: When the writer becomes
bored, tired, or desires to masturbate, he/she can
then 'TAG' their teammate in their respective cor-
ner. As for the challenger, the topic, well, I haven't
put that much thought into it yet!
So in this corner, weighing in at a collective
270 lbs, hailingfrom Long Island, we have Tara "The
Stink" Groth and Tom "Cheeseblast" Senkus.
And in this corner, weighing at an intangible
nothing, we have "The Reason Why to Go to College".
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!! (cue
applause and faux-heavy metal music)

Cheeseblast cockily struts in the ring with


College, only to be stunned with a surprise Tuition
Punch. After the initial contact, the two contenders
grapple......

College is one of the most arbitrary The reality exists, as it may


gauges of a person's intelligence. be a common example, that doctors
It's popular belief in many circles are regarded as highly intelligent .....
that a college education is the key to people who have completed a cen-
securing the career one desires. Aside from tury's worth more college than the average
the stereotypes of college: orgies, 24/7 Jane. What's questioned at times is: What
beer pong tournaments, and other factors was your doctor's graduating rank in class?
associated with what may be labeled as four The same people we address as doctors oh-
year bachelor party, college is seen as a so-respectfully as the studious, bookish
smart step toward the future. Agreeably, a brains we perceive them to be are the
college education acquires a significantly slackers who barely slipped by and
higher paying job after graduation than a received their Ph.D. just the same.
high school diploma can rake in. Where is there distinction? How big
Not attending college right after high does a puddle have to be in order to be
school tends to be looked down upon in this called a pond, and a pond, a lake? How many
society. Even if one were to have the trees do you need in order to have a forest?
experience of attending and choosing The audience roars in relish to see that Stony
to drop out isn't seen in the most pos- Brook LSversity Wrestling Federationsuperstar, as
• i.:
" ...
; " Sitive rrespects.
. "sp .Why
• " is this? -How . is it. well as author of "Huckleberry Finn" and "The
place such a large Adventures of Tom Sawyer," comes into the ring by
what is tradition- parachute, giving College an aerial Scissorkick
years of learning? "I Don't Let My Schooling Get In The Way of
The only reason My Education, Bitch!," bellows Twain.
ng a degree from a Removing his parachute, Twain runs towards
sity is so highly the locker room to recoup, only to have Yokotuna
d is because of the block his path and proceed to sit on the 20th
ity it grants the Century literary talent. The ignorant college-edu-
il who has earned cated audience moronically chants U-S-A, thinking
lege educated per- Yokozuna more closely resembles the sweaty obesi-
ranted the benefit ty of themselves gathered at the Arena tonight!
he doubt that they, (TAG!)
ave a unique Seizing an opening of WHATHEFUCK?,
knowledge to. Cheeseblast dropkicks College out of the ring and
advance from that into the rabid audience. Sweat disperses like a
which isn't possi- canine shake-drying itself upon it's impact on the
ble without the concrete, only to hear the referee slowly
resources and count.....71 2...2...3 4....
upport that col- What frustrates me the most is that this next
e tuition can pur- batch of losers is going to be surrounding me in the
e. (TAG!) Also, with "real world" (Ha!) with such phrases as "I wasn't
Yh amounts of ignorant trained how to do that" and "let me ask my supervi-
in our society, it is a sor".
ating tool to establish a I'm sure the seniors here at SBU are thinking
ierarchy, based on an the same thing as they look around the classroom:
Dd type of intimidation THESE are the people who are going to diagnose my
se with equal skill, but illness, file my tax audit, research cancer?!?!?!
me spent in numbing (TAG!) -
. .
Page 18
I
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ions contain the same con- ("Oh, Yeah!") for a Grad


to be applied to the grad- product that you a
This is how an evolution "snap into." Kool-Aid
lew role for higher educa- cinches the deal from
.s are the preservers of the deemed not tough enoug
ing a face only put on
* than myself who are not atmospheric condensa-
Le Peter Principle, it is as tion and someone's fin-
etence rises to the highest ger. What discrimina-
ity. This is due to two fac- tion!!!
"Back to the
'.findm ehe re. c o m/s earch/dic- University of Stony
mes out from under the mat and Brook's Main Ever
, tripping him up, leaving The Cheeseblast/The Stink
ity to give him The 01' Joan College!!!!"
With the do4
incompetent worker grows lawyers and other
ork with and is not able to sions requiring cc
ýt rid of them they are pro- tion due to practii
insurance purt
true brains can't stand aside, a college et
lious atmosphere, so they tion is irrele
e incompetents behind. Perhans irrelevant.
iciple: successor to the strong a word, it's more of a mis
nciple, it holds that people lation of a person's knowledge.
e ranks of an organization lege education is a disillusio
having fun. When the fun clouded by highly marketed life
talented people walk out - of upper middle classiness with
ie free agents. potential of yuppydom. It's the
7-Eleven: what many free desired by all of the Peters thr4
because they are never ing their caps in the air and clut
fully 'off' work. Like the convenience ing the starched, calligraphy-
store, their work life occasionally may be inscribed documents that we
empty, but it's never closed. should confiscate and use as
"And now a word from our sponsor!" alternative toilet paper.
Considering Macho Man Randy Savage is out (TAG!)
of town making another hip-hop record, as well as Back in the day, when I was
starring in an episode of College University, The working at Michael's Arts and Crafts, a
Kool-Aid guy steps in to record the voice-over POS retail store, I happened to overhear
a conversation between some fellow

mhhNm
emnlovees b
hecause Gord knows thev
never would-talk to someone who had been working there a month or two!
Anywho, what I overheard was that one of my managers, making a cool
$13/hr, had a Master's Degree in Philosophy. Funny, I don't remember
her working this job for research. The only thing philosophical about her
was how she could be working in a place that promotes squeezing the last
dime out of "homemakers" with nothing better to do than make a pillow
(Aisle 17) with an incorrect representation of a rabbit on it (Aisle 18),
replete with. tulle (Aisle 4, right shelf) trimming. Nietzsche would be
proud.
As for my college-going fellow employees, they seemed to be
majoring in something ambiguous, like graphic design predictably at
Suffolk Community College. For the record, Suffolk doesn't count. I'm
sorry, the "13th grade" is not even classifiable as resembling formal edu-
cation.
(TAG!)
We pass a road test-we get a license, we take the SATs-
we are given a number, we read a book-we have read a book,
we go fishing-you catch or release, we complete the stan-
dards for a bachelor's degree, some to the lowest of stan-
dards and some above and beyond-and we are all given that
degree. In what way are we truly distinguished?
(TAG!)
Some of the most distinguished figures in history have been those
of college drop outs (and even high school), such as Bill Gates, Bob Dylan,
Frank Zappa, Jack London, Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, Thomas Edison;
the list goes on.
In a moment, College's lifeless body is sprawled out, buns-up
style, only to be turned over and cradled in Cheeseblast's quasi-homo-
erotic grasp for the referee to begin the count....1...2...
You can call me an asshole, an outspoken hypocrite, whatever, but
don't you dare call me a College Student.
.3.

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Prove your self-worth by


YTGHO IO N K-O FIF A finding all of the words
NIR L N L BT H E T AHM listed below in the puzzle
- - - - - -*-- A-- -
on the left!
MI E-M ELNYO L. A
U U KG IR LOLESN. calumny
deceive
LD YIO R U U IQ QA.I I
-distort
AD I STORTRUTP falsity
farce
-forgery
M.A"
M O. U"C
S E .H
MAUCHAROCS A 0
RR" R ."C
O '."...P•A
TTTOP L.LL front
-inexactitude
l -ie
YO..U CR D N S E-A"T. T manipulate
1 N E X A C T T U D E - obloquy
5.01o L
SE .,V I E C EDD TOE - posturing
- sham

And the hidden phrase is...

I m --

Check The Stony Brook Press' website for the answers and the very special messiage!
www.thepress.info
Page 20

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