Issue #478 July 2014
Another road trip in which people peed on stuff
I’m a travelin’ man. There’s nothing better to do when your own community lacks a functioning economy
or any semblance of recreation.
From June 13 to 1! I goed on another fact"finding mission#this time in the $ortheast. %&lus! the mish
'udges have declared that the (t. )ouis roadmeet in *arch was indeed a mish#not 'ust a one"day event#after
+reyhound took it u,on themselves to needlessly delay my return by - hours.. )ast month’s car tri, took us
through /hio! &ennsylvania! $ew 0ork! 1onnecticut! *assachusetts! 2ermont! $ew 3am,shire! and back to
*assachusetts. /n the way home! we added 4hode Island! $ew Jersey! and 5est 2irginia. 6ll states had
something to offer#and ,redictably! it often involved the discovery of a ho,elessly vandali7ed ,ublic restroom.
The very first ,ee sto, on this tri, was the site of a ,lo,,ing. 6t the T6 gas station in /cta! /hio! I
noticed someone had thrown an /hio )ottery scratch"off ticket in the toilet. +uess that ticket wasn’t a winner8
6fter lodging in 1larion! &ennsylvania! on Friday night! not much else of interest occurred until
lunchtime. That’s when I noticed that someone had urinated all over the floor in the men’s room at a 4ed 4obin
restaurant in 5ilkes"9arre! &ennsylvania. 0ummm8
That night! at a motel in 9rattleboro! 2ermont! I saw the tri,’s first celebrity look"alike: The hotel clerk
strongly resembled ;5eird 6l< 0ankovic. 6lso! as I was walking down the hall! a young man let loose with a loud
burst of flatulence. Then he looked around as if to find someone to blame. The ne=t morning! I noticed that a
grou, of guests had been kicked out of the inn and had ,iled their trash in the hall.
/ur hotel room in 9rattleboro was also the home of the world’s most ,oorly designed toilet...
$otice how the lid of the 'ohndola can’t be fully lifted! because it bum,s into the shelf behind it. 5hat
sort of an idiot came u, with this> 6 dumb one.
/ne of 9rattleboro’s greatest claims to fame occurred in ?@@ when the town voiced its dis,leasure
against the ravages of right"wing bigotry and warmongering by indicting +eorge 5. 9ush and Aick 1heney.
6s a ,roud 6merican! I visited several ,residential sites on this tri,. I saw the ,residential libraries of
Franklin 4oosevelt and John F. Bennedy. )ater in this tri,! we saw what was believed to be the hos,ital in
1onnecticut where 9ush was born %not like 9ush was anything for the country to be ,roud of..
6nd that ain’t all8 5e also saw the house where Bennedy was born! and we drove around Bennedy’s
hometown of 9rookline! *assachusetts.
9rookline is also the hometown of another ,olitical legend: *ichael Aukakis. Aukakis should have a
,residential library too! but the right"wing media kind of blew that. Aukakis’s defeat still burns. 9ut it was one of
the key factors#along with the 9rossart and 1&3 debacles#that led to the founding of this fan7ine of freedom!
which in turn led to tangible accom,lishments! such as the abusive &athway Family 1enter cult being run out on a
rail from an entire 3"state area. 9et the right"wing thought ,olice now wishes they were more careful about what
they wished for! huh>
6t the Bennedy library and museum on (unday! some woman got locked out of the restroom. 6lso! I lost
my keys at this museum#but they were later found.
/n (unday evening! I saw a *r. 3oo,er look"alike outside a $inety $ine restaurant in 5est 0armouth!
*assachusetts. 5e lodged for a cou,le nights in 3yannis! but the swimming ,ool at this hotel was a
disa,,ointment indeed. It felt like someone had used the ,ool for an e=,eriment on how to build the world’s
largest ice making machine. The tem,erature of the water rendered it thoroughly unusable.
/n *onday! we visited the islands off the coast of *assachusetts. I saw a 4on Jeremy look"alike walking
around in $antucket. 6nd on *artha’s 2ineyard! I saw a ha,less gent loudly arguing with enforcement authorities
about a ,arking ticket.
The tri, home saw some of the most hilarious restroom destroyment in modern times. 5hen I used the
bathroom at an C==on station in Aanville! &ennsylvania! I found that there was a roll of toilet ,a,er on the floor
ne=t to the 'ohnny,ot! and that someone had unfurled it and dra,ed it across the floor and into the sink...
&lus! see the urinal that’s out of order and covered by the large ,lastic garbage bag> (omeone had ,eed all
over the trash bag.
6lso! the ubiDuitous ;Cm,loyees *ust 5ash 3ands< sign on the mirror was graced with a hilarious
5e lodged Tuesday night in (omerset! &ennsylvania! and continued home. 6t a )onghorn restaurant in (t.
1lairsville! /hio! a toilet ,a,er gambit similar to that in Aanville was sighted. 6 roll of toilet ,a,er in the restroom
had been ,laced u,right on the back of the toilet rim. 9ut somebody had stretched the toilet ,a,er around a hook
or bar on the wall and ,eed all over the toilet ,a,er where it loomed over the floor. It looked about like so...
Thus concludes another road tri, in which ,eo,le ,eed on stuff. The only thing funnier would be a road
tri, in which ,eo,le ,oo,ed on stuff.
People continue to blast Greyhound
+reyhound really ste,,ed in it when they wi,ed a big gob of mucus on the (t. )ouis roadmeet! so now
I’ve made it a labor of love to dig u, other accounts of this nationwide bus line destroying other ,eo,le’s ,lans.
Just weeks ago! a +reyhound ,assenger ,osted an account on Facebook of a Curo,ean vacation being
utterly %keek8. ruined by +reyhound’s incontinence here in the (tates. 3e booked a bus that was su,,osed to leave
9altimore at 1:3@ &* and arrive in $ew 0ork at E &*#giving him ,lenty of time to catch his flight to +ermany
at F:GE. The ,roblem with this is that he vastly underestimated the amount of delays +reyhound causes.
$ot only was the bus G@ minutes late leaving 9altimore! but it then backtracked to a 5ashington! A.1.!
suburb because +reyhound had somehow forgotten to sto, there on the ,revious leg of this route. Then the bus
sto,,ed in 9altimore again because the air conditioner broke and everyone had to change buses. The tri, ended u,
being 3 hours late leaving 9altimore for good.
Then! the bus managed to be over 3 hours late getting to $ew 0ork! which caused the traveler to miss his
flight. This forced him to s,end almost H1!@@@ on a ticket for the ne=t flight. +reyhound then refused to reimburse
him for that e=,ense. Bind of like when Aelta refused to reimburse a vacationer for his ;wasted 4ockettes tickets<
after Aelta caused re,eated flight delays.
6nother +reyhound customer re,orts that she ,urchased a ticket for a tri, to a family wedding a month in
advance. (he received the confirmation e"mail and itinerary without any trouble. 9ut when she tried using the
ticket! the clerk at the bus station told her the ticket was ;invalid< and ;broken<#and couldn’t be used.
There’s also a re,ort of a bus failing to show u, at all at a sto, in 6ri7ona#forcing customers to wait 13
hours for the ne=t bus. In a se,arate incident! a 1E"hour tri, from *issouri to *ichigan had so many delays that it
became E3 hours.
6nother ,assenger com,lained that a bus smelled like %in their words. ;,eeI,iss.<
/n the other hand! ,eo,le are lodging frivolous com,laints too. /ne customer grumbled that +reyhound
doesn’t give folks com,limentary drinking cu,s. I’m
reminded of the 9illy Joel song ;+oodnight (aigon.<
The tune was a stirring narrative about the 2ietnam
5ar#which the &iano *an thoroughly undercut
with the line! ;5e had no (oftsoa,.< I remember
hearing that song when I was about 1@ years old and
thinking! ;Jh"oh! I ho,e I never have to fight in a
war! because there won’t be any (oftsoa,.< I strongly
sus,ect that (oftsoa, is the last thing that soldiers in
the heat of a battle are worried about. 5hen you see
,eo,le com,laining that transit com,anies don’t have
free cu,s! com,limentary wine! high"s,eed wi"fi!
s,otless restrooms! a live band! and silver dollars
magically raining from the sky! you have to wonder
how’d they fare in a real life"or"death situation like a
+reyhound’s Facebook ,age! however! is
filled mostly with com,laints of a more substantive
nature. 6nd +reyhound always re,lies to them with
the same stock res,onse.
6lso! that voucher +reyhound mailed me
after their fiasco back in *arch is essentially
worthless! for it can’t be used to buy tickets online.
The voucher isn’t enough to cover the cost of buying tickets in ,erson! which is much more e=,ensive.
+reyhound knows it’s a scam.
id the !PA hire the Phanto" Pooper#
The &hantom &oo,er really gets around! it seems.
The Cnvironmental &rotection 6gency has a noble goal#4CI$( 6ct and Tea &arty com,laints
notwithstanding. %Fun fact: the unconstitutional 4CI$( 6ct and The Last Word both originated in the same
county of only F@!@@@. That’s ,olitical diversity8. That doesn’t mean the C&6 hasn’t been the site of some
unchecked ,hantom ,oo,ery.
*anagers at an C&6 regional office in Aenver recently sent an e"mail to em,loyees urging them to sto,
defecating in the hallways and vandali7ing the restrooms. The memo s,oke of ;several incidents< such as the
toilet being clogged with ,a,er towels and ;an individual ,lacing feces in the hallway.<
To ,ut a crim, in these foul#if not funny#actions of modern society! C&6 managers consulted with a
work,lace violence s,ecialist! who concluded that whoever was behind this activity would ;,robably escalate<
their mischief.
That’s a fancy way of saying they’re gonna ,oo, on stuff some more. 5ords mean things! don’t ya know.
$cary "o%ies "ade A"erica stron&'
6merica was stronger in my day because of scary scenes like this on over"the"air T2...
%Fair use! so tough toilets..
That scene was so obscure that I can’t believe I was able to find it on the Internet. I really can’t. It’s from
the movie The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane! which was broadcast on regular T2 when I was about - or
For decades! that image has been burnished in my mind! but for the life of me! I couldn’t remember the
name of the movie. I found the name of it recently because I have ways of finding out these things. The scene is
of a character in the movie dying after being hit in the head by a cellar door.
6,,arently! the sight of the dead woman with blood streaming down her cheek a,,eared only once or
twice in the theatrical release. 9ut on T2 they ke,t showing this image over and over again#every time they cut
to a commercial break.
1an you imagine something like this on over"the"air T2 today> These days! something like this would be
confined to cable#and available only to ,eo,le who can afford to ,ay HE@@ a month for it. 6nd lots of cable
viewers have no res,ect for fine old institutions like guts and gore! so they wouldn’t a,,reciate it. They’d rather
watch Fo= $ews! or a channel full of classified ads on an old 1ommodore 2I1"?@ screen and overmodulated
audio from a radio station.
+ory thrills like this made 6merica strong. 6mericans who are 'ust now getting started in life don’t know
how to res,ond to scary situations like we oldsters do. If you’re ?@ today! there’s a good chance you grew u, with
saniti7ed media that didn’t teach you how to ,ro,erly react to threats. That’s why some of today’s younger ,eo,le
turn to cons,iracy theories that don’t make any sense.
I don’t deal in cons,iracy theories. I deal in cons,iracy facts. I was introduced to televised scarefests at a
suitable age! which has hel,ed me acDuire the ability to res,ond correctly to dangers. If I hadn’t been ,ro,erly
e=,osed to such material! I don’t think I would have even survived the crises of later years.
It’s similar to how Sesame Street now down,lays /scar the +rouch! or how 1rayola abolished the edgy
names of its crayons like raw umber and re,laced them with corny feely"good catch,hrases like ;best friends.<
Those of us who grew u, with /scar and raw umber know how to say ;fuck you< when the need arises. 5hen
today’s kids who have never had the ol’ /sk in their lives grow u, and have to deal with an unfair boss! how are
they going to react> 5ill they have the s,irit to stand u, and be counted>
6fter I saw The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane on T2! I drew a ma, of a fictional city and declared
that the body of the deceased character from that movie was embalmed and ,ermanently dis,layed in a window of
a house along a road#in an effort to scare motorists into driving faster. It seems like every community has at least
one minor road through a wooded area that gives travelers the cree,s. 4oads like this were always good for chea,
thrills. The road in my fictional city was kind of like that#times 1@@.
I think we’re so far gone now that we won’t start seeing any real im,rovement in future generations’
mo=ie until we start seeing things like this on T2...
1o,yright L ?@1G. 6ll rights reserved.