THE OLD TRADITIONAL STORY
written by Jacquel Chrissy C.
April 22, 2011 Copyright (c) 2011 Jacquel Chrissy C. All Rights Reserved
Bloor's Academy - The King's Room - Before the Movie Cheesy music plays in the background. Charlie Bone is sitting in the King's Room trying to come up with an asskicking title of the new movie he and his friends are starring in. EMMA TOLLY What are you doing, Charlie? CHARLIE BONE Oh, nothing much; just thinking of an really cool title for the movie. LYSANDER SAGE And what movie is that? CHARLIE BONE Oh you know...OUR movie! OUR movie? TANCRED TORSSON
OLIVIA VERTIGO Since when did WE have a movie? GABRIEL SILK Since the copyrighted infringement of "Star Wars" that comes in the beginning of the movie just came on like five seconds ago. (everyone looks at him confused. Star Wars Theme Song plays) AND WITH THAT, CHARLIE BONE SET OFF WITH HIS FRIENDS EMMA TOLLY, OLIVIA VERTIGO, TANCRED TORSSON, LYSANDER SAGE, AND GABRIEL SILK AND THEY ALL WENT ON THE GREATEST ADVENTURE OF THEIR LIVES. ALONG THE WAY THEY MAKE NEW FRIENDS, DODGE TERRIBLE ENEMIES, AND DISCOVER A SECRET THAT COULD CHANGE THE CITY FOREVER... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SPOOFING SHOWS IS FUN LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL AND ALSO THEY ALL DECIDED THAT GOING TO HOGWARTS IS BETTER THAN GOING TO BLOORS AND SOME OTHER STUFF BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AND POOR BILLY RAVEN ENDS UP BEING THE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS AND STUFF MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AND MANFRED IS JUST A WIMP WHO NEEDS TO JOIN CHARLIE BONE AND DITCH HIS MESSED UP FAMILY...OK, I'LL SHUT UP NOW. (Star Wars Theme Song
2. ends) GABRIEL SILK So, what did you think about the title, Charlie? CHARLIE BONE Ok, now I'm upset. (everyone stares at him) It's not the really cool title for the movie that I wanted. OLIVIA VERTIGO So what DO you want the title for the movie to be? CHARLIE BONE Oh forget about it! (he storms off) CUT TO: (CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND CHILDREN OF THE RED KING DANCE) RANDOM WOMAN (singing) It's that time again, when a story is being told, and nobody knows what's it about. RANDOM MAN (singing) They say that all old stories are the best, never mind the rest. But there's one story that we all swear by. RANDOM WOMAN & RANDOM MAN (singing) And...IT'S THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY! The story with traditional things in it, like magic and action, romance and fantasy. THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY, where we can go on the greatest adventure of our lives! Leave the modern stuff at home and come with us on the grand old adventure! It's gonna be the greatest adventure of our lives! (cheesy song ends) TRANSITION TO:
3. BLOOR'S ACADEMY - PRESENTATION DAY BORING MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND DR. HAROLD BLOOR Hello, and welcome to Bloor's Academy of Fine Arts. (applause) And here, I expect you to conduct yourselves as becoming of a fine arts student... Boring! MANFRED BLOOR
EZEKIEL BLOOR Shut up, Manfred! MANFRED BLOOR Why don't YOU? DR. HAROLD BLOOR That's enough, you two! And now, we will have the singing portion of our show. (Charlie and Billy walk to the stage and begin to sing) CHARLIE BONE & BILLY RAVEN (singing) Oh I went down south just to get away from it all but somehow they whisked us away to the ball, we met pretty girls, but wizards carried us away, and they wouldn't let us go! (applause from audience) EZEKIEL BLOOR Me next! Me next! I wanna sing "The Spell of Love"! MANFRED BLOOR You nicked that from Potter Puppet Pals, didn't you? EZEKIEL BLOOR Shut up, Manfred! I will sing! (music starts) Without the spell of love, the world would fall apart! You don't need a wand when you have magic in (MORE)
4. EZEKIEL BLOOR (CONT'D) your heart! All your other organs are useless pieces of flab, my friend, when compared to the spell of love! With love you can sing of the joy that it can bring, with love you can fly on a rainbow in the sky, with love you can dance without any pants on... (Ezekiel pulls his clothes off and is wearing Hello Kitty pajamas. record comes to a screeching halt. kids scream) MANFRED BLOOR Ugh! Grandpa, those are my Hello Kitty pajamas! Grrrrr! OUTSIDE BLOOR'S - LATER EVIL WIZARDS UNLEASH ANCIENT EVIL UPON BLOORS WORMTAIL I just don't see why we have to do this. They're not even magical. SEVERUS SNAPE Of course we have to do this. It's about time someone taught those no-good idiots a lesson on who the real magical people are! BELLATRIX LESTRANGE Yeah! Just because they're related to some magician doesn't give them the right to act like they're all high-and-mighty and think that they're better than everyone else! LUCIUS MALFOY Hey! I said I was sorry! Geez! (Bellatrix opens a box and all kinds of evil things spring from it) BELLATRIX LESTRANGE Hahahahahaha! Let the fun begin! LORD VOLDEMORT PUTS A HUGE CURSE ON BLOORS
5. LORD VOLDEMORT Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now the school is mine! WORMTAIL But Master, why are we hurting these people? They're not even muggles! SEVERUS SNAPE Don't listen to him; he's a whiny little rat. LORD VOLDEMORT We now have the power! Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha! BELLATRIX LESTRANGE Ok, Master, you're getting ahead of yourself. LORD VOLDEMORT I'm going to be the greatest wizard there ever was! LUCIUS MALFOY Would you cut that out? (people are watching them) People are beginning to stare! LORD VOLDEMORT (singing) It's gonna be great; it's gonna be great, I can see Bellatrix hitting me with a box of Frosted Flakes... (Bellatrix throws a box of Frosted Flakes at his head and it hits him. Death Eaters stare at him) Oh, sorry about that. And now to put a curse on the school: They will know no peace until they give up every magical kid they have at the school! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
6. BLOOR'S ACADEMY - LATER (BACK AT BLOOR'S) WEEDON Uh Harold, I've just received word that some evil wizards are breaking into the school... DR. HAROLD BLOOR WHAT? WIZARDS AT BLOOR'S? IN THIS SCHOOL? (pandemonium breaks out) CHARLIE BONE What do we do now? DR. HAROLD BLOOR Charlie, you must go up to the Order of the Phoenix and get help immediately! Take your friends. EZEKIEL BLOOR Yes, help us, Charlie Bone! Put that talent of yours to some good use and save us! CHARLIE BONE Alright guys, let's go! (he, Billy, Gabriel, Lysander, Tancred, Olivia, Emma, and Fidelio take off towards the door) TRACY MORSELL Tancred, be careful! TANCRED TORRSON Don't worry, Tracy. I'll come back for you... (Emma pulls his ear) EMMA TOLLY C'mon Tanc, let's GO! (exciting music plays as they run from the school) Where do we go first?
7. FIDELIO GUNN To the Pet's Cafe for supplies! EZEKIEL BLOOR Be careful, Children of the Red King! There are evil wizards out there! And vampires! And werewolves! And crazy people! You must save us all! (kids leave) THE PET'S CAFE - MOMENTS LATER (THE PET'S CAFE) CHARLIE BONE Ok, now that we're here, let's get some supplies! OLIVIA VERTIGO Yeah! Hopefully, Mrs. Onimous is doing better... (just then a crazy person shows up) CRAZY PERSON Hahahahahahahahahah! Finally, I've been trying to catch you brats all day! And now that I got you right where I want you... (Tancred zaps him and blows him away) TANCRED TORRSON Man, that person was annoying! (Norton shows up) NORTON Uh, what are you kids doing here? CHARLIE BONE Some evil wizards are trying to take over the school. NORTON What? Oh my goodness! I must get you kids outta here! Why? BILLY RAVEN
8. NORTON The evil wizard wants you because you're all magic! FIDELIO GUNN What? That's crazy! NORTON I know! I gotta get you kids outta here or else he'll show up! Let's take my motorcycle! (some people are seen taking his motorcycle) Come back here with my motorcycle! (he and the kids chase after the motorcycle thieves) (THE KIDS AND NORTON ARE CHASING THE PEOPLE WHO STOLE NORTON'S MOTORCYCLE IN THE LAST EPISODE) CHARLIE BONE We can't keep up with them! They're much too fast! NORTON Of course! It's your capes! They're slowing you down! Take them off! (The kids take off their capes and hand them to Norton) Now on to the train station! TANCRED TORRSON But how are we going to get there? Remember, somebody stole your motorcycle. NORTON I have a plan! (within a few minutes, they all hitch a ride in a pickup truck and the truck goes to the train station. truck driver goes to be back (MORE)
9. NORTON (CONT'D) of his truck and sees the kids and Norton) DRIVER Holy crap! You're that guy who tried to off Orvil Onimous! EMMA TOLLY Is that true? I thought Norton was nice! Me too! FIDELIO GUNN
DRIVER Norton! You're the doorman to the Pet's Cafe! Now you're kidnapping children! I will call the police and have them arrest you! NORTON Jig's up, kids! Run for it! (they all jump out the truck and run into the train station) DRIVER Stop him! He tried to kill Orvil Onimous! (pandemonium breaks out. Norton and the kids reach a train) STOP THAT MAN! HE'S STEALING THE CHILDREN! LYSANDER SAGE We're not gonna make it! There's too many people here! (Norton is captured) Oh no! Norton's been captured! OLIVIA VERTIGO Oh no! What should we do? GABRIEL SILK Can we go back for him?
10. NORTON NO! Just keep going! Don't look back! (kids hop on board a train heading for London) BILLY RAVEN Oh no! What about Norton? CHARLIE BONE It's too late to save him now! All we have to do is go to London and find the Order of the Phoenix. It's the only way we can save Bloor's. FIDELIO GUNN Well then, let's hop to it! We don't have time to waste worrying about anything else. BLOOR'S ACADEMY - LATER (MEANWHILE AT BLOOR'S; VOLDEMORT HAS TAKEN OVER THE SCHOOL AND HE DEMANDS ALL ENDOWED CHILDREN BE HANDED OVER TO HIM) LORD VOLDEMORT I have now taken over your school. Hand me every endowed child you have and I'll spare your pathetic lives. WEEDON Like hell you will! LORD VOLDEMORT (waving his wand) AVADA KEDAVRA! (Weedon falls down dead) Anyone else want to challenge me? (everyone gasps and several children step forward) And what are your names? Asa Pike. ASA PIKE
11. JOSHUA TILPIN Joshua Tilpin. Dorcas Loom. DORCAS LOOM
DAGBERT ENDLESS Dagbert Endless. Inez Branko. INEZ BRANKO
IDITH BRANKO Idith Branko. LORD VOLDEMORT Very well. Since you are endowed, I am to teach you everything about the wizarding world, for you are to live in it and not the muggle world. Say hello to your new teachers Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange, and Severus Snape. WORMTAIL Pass. I have no desire to teach magic to a bunch of snot-nosed, stuck-up brats! LORD VOLDEMORT And Wormtail will be teaching whenever Severus is unable to teach. WORMTAIL I have a name, it's Peter Pettigrew and don't any of you little punks forget it! LORD VOLDEMORT Whatever. And the rest of you will...Wormtail, what was I going to do with them? WORMTAIL Uhhhhh, I don't know. BELLATRIX LESTRANGE Let's teach them that they're not worth anything because they're muggles! I shall zap them until they concede!
12. LUCIUS MALFOY Or we can have them as our prisoners. SEVERUS SNAPE Maybe we can have them...provide us with some entertainment. They are a performing arts school, aren't they? LORD VOLDEMORT I agree. You will perform for us and any wizard who wishes to visit. Fail and you'll be zapped by Bellatrix. Now start performing! (the other kids hurry and grab costumes, instruments, and paints. Bartholomew Bloor sees all and says to Naren) BARTHOLOMEW BLOOR Naren, we need to get you out now. Why? NAREN BLOOR
BARTHOLOMEW BLOOR Because there's bad wizards in Bloor's and I can't let them find you. NAREN BLOOR But where will I go? BARTHOLOMEW BLOOR London. We'll take the train. (He, Naren, and Meng pack their things and drive to the station, where Naren is sent to London)
13. LONDON - AT THE MARKET HARRY POTTER Man I hate shopping days. I'm so bored I wanna scream! VERNON DURSLEY Yeah, me too. DUDLEY DURSLEY Let's sneak away and watch a movie. VERNON DURSLEY Ok, what did you have in mind? Pocahontas! DUDLEY DURSLEY
HARRY POTTER You'd watch a Disney movie? Disney movies are a waste of time! JACQUEL ROMANOV I couldn't have agreed more. Let's watch Braveheart! VERNON DURSLEY Now that's what I call a good movie! (they all sneak away from Petunia and go to a theater to watch Braveheart) (MEANWHILE...) CHARLIE BONE I hope this Order of the Phoenix will actually listen to us! LYSANDER SAGE You and me both, dude! TANCRED TORRSON I say the Bloor's must be daft as to rely on us to help them. It's not like we actually care about them, isn't it? (Manfred jumps out from behind them)
14. MANFRED BLOOR Oh, you'd better care all right! OLIVIA VERTIGO Manfred? How did you get in here? MANFRED BLOOR Well how should I put this a bunch of evil wizards showed up at Bloor's and took over the school. CHARLIE BONE Right. And we should care because... MANFRED BLOOR They are using all the endowed children to do evil. (everyone gasps) And worse, they're holding my father and Ezekiel prisoner. BILLY RAVEN Oh, what will we do? MANFRED BLOOR I don't know. LONDON. - CONTINUOUS CHARLIE BONE It's all your fault, Manfred! Why? MANFRED BLOOR
CHARLIE BONE If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be in this stupid situation! MANFRED BLOOR Oh, so now you're blaming me? Heck yeah! CHARLIE BONE
MANFRED BLOOR Oh I dare you! CHARLIE BONE Bring it on, punkface!
15. MANFRED BLOOR Make me! (they both start fighting as the others watch) (MEANWHILE...) PETUNIA DURSLEY (finishes the shopping) I wonder where they went. (she sees them leaving leaving the theater) Where have you been? VERNON DURSLEY Just to the movies. PETUNIA DURSLEY You took them to see Pocahontas, didn't you? DUDLEY DURSLEY No, Disney movies are a waste of time. We saw Braveheart instead. PETUNIA DURSLEY Braveheart? You took them to see an R-rated movie? VERNON DURSLEY What? Oh, come on now, Petunia. There's no way in this hell I'm taking them to see Pocahontas. That movie's not even historically accurate and they besmirched the name of an American heroine. PETUNIA DURSLEY I understand Jacquel not watching it, but Dudley's still a baby! VERNON DURSLEY Petunia! Dudley is 14 years old. He's not a baby anymore! PETUNIA DURSLEY It doesn't matter. You can take Jacquel and Harry to R-rated movies all you want, but NOT my little baby boy!
16. DUDLEY DURSLEY But mommy, I'm not a baby, I'm a man! I'm an anchorman! JACQUEL ROMANOV You're not a man, Dudley! You're just a great big fat wuss! (The Cullens are watching this unfold) CULLENS Ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhh! HARRY POTTER Hahahahahahah! You're totally right, Jacquel. He is a wuss. DUDLEY DURSLEY That's not very nice, Harry! LONDON. -CONTINUOUS CHARLIE BONE You're gonna take back what you said! Make me! MANFRED BLOOR
CHARLIE BONE You're such an idiot! MANFRED BLOOR Still insulting me, Boney? CHARLIE BONE I'm so kicking your ass! MANFRED BLOOR Let's bounce! (he smacks Charlie in the face and breaks his nose. The others freak out as Charlie clutches his bloody nose. And the Cullens have arrived.)
17. CARLISLE CULLEN Quickly Esme, get the kids! I need to see that boy's nose! (Esme gathers the kids to her side and Jasper pounces on Charlie) JASPER HALE Mmmmmmm, blood! Yummy! (He licks Charlie's broken nose. Charlie screams in fright and Rosalie slaps him) ROSALIE HALE Jasper, down! (Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie drag him away. Carlisle looks at Charlie's nose.) CARLISLE CULLEN I see that you had some kind of briuse and you need to have that checked out. (Meanwhile, Bella shows up.) BELLA SWAN What's going on? EMMETT CULLEN Thank God you're here, Bella! We can't hold him much longer! BELLA SWAN Oh Jasper? Want some of my blood? Your blood? JASPER HALE
ALICE CULLEN Bella what are you doing?
18. BELLA SWAN Saving that boy's life. (Just then, Edward shows up with a bunch of fangirls following him) CHARLIE BONE Uhhhhh, help! He's trying to drink my blood! (Apparently, Jasper pounced on Charlie and is licking his nose) EDWARD CULLEN Jasper, NO! Get away from him! JASPER HALE But Eddie, why would I want to not drink such delicious blood? CARLISLE CULLEN Jasper, what did I say about human blood? ESME CULLEN It's bad for you. JASPER HALE You people are too soft! The boy's blood is mine! (he attacks Charlie as everyone watches helplessly. Harry is seen pulling out his wand and zapping him) HARRY POTTER Prefectus totalus! (Jasper falls to the ground) VERNON DURSLEY Harry, did you just...
19. RANDOM WOMAN ...save that boy's life? (Petunia sees Jasper, screams, and faints) RANDOM MAN He must have been one crazy vampire! NAREN BLOOR (stepping off the train and seeing everything) Hey, what'd I miss? CUT TO: (CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND CHARLIE, TANCRED, LYSANDER, FIDELIO, GABRIEL, OLIVIA, EMMA, BILLY, MANFRED, AND NAREN DANCE) RANDOM WOMAN (singing) It's a strange new world I'm in right now, with wizards, and witches, and vampires and werewolves; and I'm smack dab in the thick of it all. RANDOM MAN (singing) But its only the beginning of the greatest adventure of our lives; and we can only move forward now... RANDOM WOMAN & RANDOM MAN And...IT'S THE OLD TRADITIONAL STORY! The story with vampires, werewolves, wizards and witches. THE OLD TRADITIONAL STORY, where you'll never know what can happen next! Now we go to chapter 2 of the grand old adventure! It's gonna be the greatest adventure of our lives! (cheesy song ends)
20. LONDON. IN A SMALL COTTAGE CARLISLE CULLEN Now once again, why are you children here? CHARLIE BONE We were sent here by Dr. Bloor to ask the Order of the Phoenix for help because the Dark Lord Voldemort is attacking Bloor's! (everyone gasps) MANFRED BLOOR And then they take off without inviting me... CHARLIE BONE Shut up, dumbass! MANFRED BLOOR Why don't you? (he and Charlie start fighting until Esme pulls them apart.) ESME CULLEN I will not have any of that namecalling or fighting! Now, you two will CALMLY tell us what is happening, and there will be NO MORE fighting or name-calling. Is that understood? Yes, ma'am. CHARLIE BONE & MANFRED BLOOR
OLIVIA VERTIGO As was mentioned before, we're supposed to go to London and ask the Order of the Phoenix for help because Dr. Bloor asked us to get them to help because some evil wizard is attacking our school. CARLISLE CULLEN I see. That man has no right to even bear the title of "Dr." His family is an insult to our kind.
21. CHARLIE BONE But we still have a mission... CARLISLE CULLEN One which you won't complete, I'm afraid. Why not? EMMA TOLLY
JASPER HALE Your headmaster wanted you out of the way so he can do bad things and destroy the city without you stopping him. Jasper! BELLA SWAN
ROSALIE HALE What? He's just telling them the truth. ALICE CULLEN Nothing wrong with that. And besides, you children need to be as far away from You-Know-Who as possible or he'll brainwash you into accepting his evil ideals. EDWARD CULLEN So no, you're not going anywhere, but to Hogwarts. FIDELIO GUNN What's a Hogwarts? HARRY POTTER Hogwarts? Aye, it's my school! BILLY RAVEN Can you show us? Sure. HARRY POTTER
(they walk to a castle disguised as Hogwarts.) Well, this is actually a cosplay that the drama students are doing about life in the wizarding world. Now look at the castle built to resemble Hogwarts! (dramatic music plays)
22. CHARLIE BONE GABRIEL SILK OLIVIA VERTIGO TANCRED TORRSON
Hogwarts! Hogwarts! Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
MANFRED BLOOR It's only a model. (everyone stares at him) Well, the good stuff has got to be inside. (wacky music plays and cosplayers dressed as Hogwarts students dance) RANDOM COSPLAYERS Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, where we do magic all the time; it's so much fun to fly around and play a rousing game of Quidditch! Here at Hogwarts, you can do whatever you want; cast magic spells, annoy the teachers, impress all your friends! Oh what a great school to be at you'll never have another like Hogwarts! Hogwarts, our beloved school, Hogwarts, we love you! (fireworks go off and people cheer) JASPER HALE On second thought, let's not go there. BELLA SWAN I agree. It is a rather terrible place.
23. HARRY POTTER Oh don't you guys worry; the real Hogwarts is a 1,000 times better than this pile of crap. Speaking of which, why don't we go there right now? BLOOR'S ACADEMY - THE KING'S ROOM. - MORNING LORD VOLDEMORT Now that you children are here, I shall teach you all to zap muggles and mudbloods, intimidate halfbloods, and reprimand bloodtraitors. ASA PIKE But aren't you promoting racism and discrimination and possible genocide? JOSHUA TILPIN Yeah! Last guy who did that, they tried to blow his head off. WORMTAIL What was his name? DORCAS LOOM Adolf Hitler! (just then everything in the world came to a screeching halt) LUCIUS MALFOY WHAT? ADOLF HITLER? THAT MAN WAS A MONSTER! SEVERUS SNAPE That man murdered millions of people for no reason! LORD VOLDEMORT And I had to watch that happen and stuff like that! *SIGH* I suppose you kids are right. Perhaps I am trying to become nothing more than an evil tyrant. Oh well, back to the drawing board. BELLATRIX LESTRANGE What will we do now?
24. WORMTAIL Oh I don't know. Perhaps our very lives are being controlled by some Scottish woman bent on making us evil and scaring off little kids. I just don't wanna be evil! SEVERUS SNAPE Oh, you're not evil, Wormy. You're just Judas Iscariot. WORMTAIL See what I mean? That guy betrayed his teacher, and they nailed him to a tree just for suggesting that it would be nice if we all got along and took care of each other and our world. LUCIUS MALFOY Ok, but we still have to figure out how to educate the kids and plan revenge on Dumbledore. He did ruin your life after all, the gay moron! BELLATRIX LESTRANGE Lucius! There are children present! Absolutely. SEVERUS SNAPE
LUCIUS MALFOY SORRY! And besides, the children need to be taught to know their place. (to the children) Now what were your names again? Asa Pike. ASA PIKE
JOSHUA TILPIN Joshua Tilpin. Dorcas Loom. DORCAS LOOM
DAGBERT ENDLESS Dagbert Endless.
25. INEZ BRANKO
IDITH BRANKO Idith Branko. LUCIUS MALFOY So, Asa, Joshua, Dorcas, Dagbert, Inez, and Idith, you are going to be trained by us to intimidate muggles, humiliate idiots, and cause nothing but trouble for all those who hate magic. LORD VOLDEMORT Good idea! But first, we must find a plan to destroy Dumbledore's reputation. How? WORMTAIL
LORD VOLDEMORT Because the Scotswoman had it in her mind to fool the people by saying that Dumbledore was good. But if he were really good, then why would he leave a child with eople who hate him? Why would he kill a woman who saw right through him? Why would he then place the woman's baby in a potentially abusive household? Why would he use a teenaged boy as a weapon to defeat me? WORMTAIL More like a shield me thinks. I agree. BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
LORD VOLDEMORT And then the Scottish woman said that he was gay. GAY! Can you believe it? No way! DEATH EATERS
ASA PIKE So, what exactly are you planning to teach us?
26. LORD VOLDEMORT I'm going to be teaching you kids how to humiliate Dumbledore, because while he hides under the guise of a grandfatherly wizard like Gandalf, he's more of a murdering monster who mustbe stopped at all costs! Now who wants to save the world? I do! Me too! ASA PIKE DORCAS LOOM
JOSHUA TILPIN Yeah! Save the world! DAGBERT ENDLESS I'll drown the old man! INEZ & IDITH BRANKO He'll be crying uncle when we get through with him! LORD VOLDEMORT That's the spirit! But we can't do this alone! We must bring in some other children who want to help us dethrone Dumbledore! WORMTAIL What about your little friends in those bad fanfiction stories? BELLATRIX LESTRANGE Good. I'll get them. SEVERUS SNAPE I'll go spy on Dumbledore. LUCIUS MALFOY Make sure he knows nothing of our new plans! (Snape leaves) LORD VOLDEMORT (staring at a picture of Dumbledore) Hahahaha, so the foolish old man still wants to play Gandalf to all those poor suckers out there. Well, I'm ready to play your (MORE)
27. LORD VOLDEMORT (CONT'D) little game! But be forewarned, even old wizards can be evil, just ask Saruman! SARUMAN Hey! I resent that remark! LORD VOLDEMORT It's the hard truth. Live with it. And besides, Everyone thinks Christopher Lee is better than you. Shut up. SARUMAN
(MEANWHILE, SNAPE MEETS WITH DUMBLEDORE) SEVERUS SNAPE I've got some news for you, Albus. ALBUS DUMBLEDORE Yes? SEVERUS SNAPE Lord Voldemort is planning to attack some boarding school in a faraway town. ALBUS DUMBLEDORE Good for him. At least it'll keep him occupied while we train Harry to take him down! HOGWARTS - AFTERNOON (IN THE GREAT HALL IN HOGWARTS) ALBUS DUMBLEDORE I have an announcement to make Lord Voldemort has apparently given up on his quest to kill Harry Potter! (everyone cheers) SEVERUS SNAPE But he may have another plan in mind; we don't know it yet, but he may be planning something else.
SEVERUS SNAPE I don't know yet, but he's planning something. But anyway, I've just received word that some children are coming to see us. MCGONAGALL But why are they here? HOOCH I heard they were coming to ask for our help, since the Dark Lord was attacking their school. SEVERUS SNAPE I know about that. I was there. HAGRID So you know about what his next plans are? SEVERUS SNAPE No, I don't know about his next plans, but we better watch ourselves. We let our guard down too much, and he just might remember us and attack us. SPROUT So what do we do now? SEVERUS SNAPE Nothing. We wait for them to arrive. Meanwhile, who wants to play Snappers? (everyone grabs cards and begins playing Snappers) (MEANWHILE…) CHARLIE BONE That's the real Hogwarts? HARRY POTTER That's right. It's much better than those cosplayers had, isn't it?
29. JASPER HALE Good. No singing cosplayers in this one. BELLA SWAN See? Harry made good on his promise after all! LYSANDER SAGE So we'll just simply march up there and ask for their help. (Jacob Black and his friends show up) JACOB BLACK Hahahahahahaha! I beat you bloodsuckers to it! EDWARD CULLEN Grrrrr! How the heck did you beat us here, wolf-boy? CHARLIE BONE Oh *great*! Another Asa! (AT THE GROUNDS AT HOGWARTS) JACOB BLACK Hahahahahahaha! I told you I'd beat you here! EDWARD CULLEN You're a moron, Jacob Black. A complete and total moron. Oh yeah? Yeah! JACOB BLACK EDWARD CULLEN
JACOB BLACK Let's bounce! (Embry and Quil start jumping) Uh, what the hell are you guys doing? Bouncing. QUIL ATAERA
30. EMBRY CALL It's fun, Jake. You should try it sometime. PAUL COTTON C'mon, guys! Let's all bounce! (everyone begins jumping around) JACOB BLACK No no no! When I say let's bounce, I mean I'm gonna kick his butt! Now let's bounce! EDWARD CULLEN Bounce? That is sooo street talk! I say I'm gonna kick your butt! JACOB BLACK Fine by me! (they start fighting) BLOOR'S ACADEMY. - LATER BELLATRIX LESTRANGE I'm back, master! Look who's here with me! (At once, Corrie Anne, Tyler, Chloe, Addison, Bartok, Maddy, Ivy, Donnie, Slade, and Treasure show up) LORD VOLDEMORT Good. Now we can finally have our revenge. (to the kids) You guys know what to do. KIDS Watch movies? LORD VOLDEMORT Right. Which movie do you want to see? TREASURE TOLKIEN How about Watchmen!
31. WORMTAIL But that's a rated R movie! TREASURE TOLKIEN Shut up! I say we're watching Watchmen! No, we're not watching Monsters vs. Aliens! WORMTAIL But I wanna... LORD VOLDEMORT Wormtail, we're watching Watchmen and that's final! Everyone into the car now! ASA PIKE What about us? BELLATRIX LESTRANGE You're coming with us as well! Now let's go! HOGWARTS. -LATER ALBUS DUMBLEDORE Ahhh, there are the students who are coming to live at my school. Welcome! CHARLIE BONE Uh, we're not who you think we are. ALBUS DUMBLEDORE Yes you are. You're going to live at our school. CHARLIE BONE But I'm Charlie Bone, and I'm coming here to ask for your help. Some evil wizard has taken over my school and its headmaster needs your help to kick him out! ALBUS DUMBLEDORE Nice try, kid; but I'm not falling for that trick. Now let's get you settled in your room and wait for those vampires to show up. (he drags a protesting Charlie and the other Children of the Red King to their rooms)
32. MOVIE THEATER SEVERUS SNAPE I can't believe I'm watching Watchmen, again! LUCIUS MALFOY since when did you watch the movie first? SEVERUS SNAPE When Stacey and Gabriel went. I swear those boys are mine are going to drive me into my grave! BELLATRIX LESTRANGE Oh you know those boys gotta have action! WORMTAIL Right on! anyway, I'm bored. Wanna sneak over and see Race to Witch Mountain? LUCIUS MALFOY As long as it's not boring! (all four go to watch said movie) HOGWARTS. CARLISLE CULLEN Sir, we have arrived. ALBUS DUMBLEDORE Very Good. I want you to teach a course about creatures in the wizarding world. JACOB BLACK Uh, Dr. Fang, no offense to you or anything like that, but I think you should reconsider the job offer. Why, Jake? CARLISLE CULLEN
JACOB BLACK I don't trust him; I smell deceit in his clothes.
LEAH CLEARWATER You and your big mouth are gonna get us all in trouble! Leah? JACOB BLACK
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE I've got your rooms ready so if you all would... (just then the group of vampires and werevolves run him over. Lupin shows up) REMUS LUPIN Yay! I'm not the only werewolf around here anymore! (to the wolves) Let's be friends! Friends! Oh brother! MOVIE THEATER. LORD VOLDEMORT Who's up for Race to Witch Mountain? Yay! KIDS WOLVES SIRIUS BLACK
TREASURE TOLKIEN Just as long as it's not rated G. LORD VOLDEMORT Then let's go! (to Wormtail) So how was that movie? WORMTAIL You'll enjoy it. Dwayne Johnson's in it.
LORD VOLDEMORT Good. Let's go then! (they all go see Race to Witch Mountain) HOGWARTS. (MEANWHILE IN THE ROOM WHERE CHARLIE AND HIS FRIENDS ARE STAYING...) CHARLIE BONE Dumbledore must be mistaken. We're not the exchange students. OLIVIA VERTIGO I know! We're the Children of the Red King, dammit! TANCRED TORRSON This is what that Dr. Cullen guy must have warned us about. Yeah! ALL
MANFRED BLOOR I say we find that old man and force him to listen to us! He's not gonna silence me so easily! Now who's with me? (cricket sounds. everyone glares at him) BILLY RAVEN Manfred, you really need to work on your leadership skills. MANFRED BLOOR Yeah. Thought so. (MEANWHILE IN THE ROOM WHERE THE CULLENS AND BELLA ARE STAYING...) CARLISLE CULLEN Well, I'm not one to comment on housekeeping, but this is a good castle.
35. ALICE CULLEN It's a disaster! It needs redecorating! BELLA SWAN C'mon, Al. It's not that bad. ALICE CULLEN And the uniforms are atrocious! Hideous! I shall give them all a makeover. EMMETT CULLEN Forget it, Bells. Once she's got her makeover mindset, it's hard to stop her. JACOB BLACK Well, that old man seems to be gay... BELLA SWAN That's enough, Jacob Black, or I'mma punch you in the face! JASPER HALE And break your hand, again? BELLA SWAN That's besides the point! (MEANWHILE AT THE LAKE, THE BAUDELAIRES HAVE ARRIVED) KLAUS BAUDELAIRE Hey, we're here! (looks around, but no one is there to greet them) Why isn't anyone here to greet us? (Klaus confronts Dumbledore) KLAUS BAUDELAIRE Why didn't you meet us at the train station? ALBUS DUMBLEDORE I was busy greeting all those new students who...hey, wait a minute! are you three the new exchange students?
36. VIOLET BAUDELAIRE Yes we are. I understand that this is the school we're supposed to be at? HAGRID Yes it is. Welcome to Hogwarts. Let me show you to your rooms. (just then, Sunny bites Hagrid) Why did she bite me? VIOLET BAUDELAIRE She likes you. KLAUS BAUDELAIRE If she didn't, she'd chomp yor finger off. SUNNY BAUDELAIRE Jah riof sabe! (that means you're ok for a giant) HAGRID Thank you very much then. what are your names? VIOLET BAUDELAIRE Violet Baudelaire. KLAUS BAUDELAIRE Klaus Baudelaire. Sunny! SUNNY BAUDELAIRE
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE Very well then. see them to their rooms them. (Hagrid takes Violet, Klaus, and Sunny to their rooms.) (MEANWHILE) CHARLIE BONE I can't believe the nerve of that old man! Who des he think he is? MANFRED BLOOR You and me both, Charlie! Let's kill him!
37. BILLY RAVEN We can't do that! Tthis is a family show! MANFRED BLOOR They kill people in Disney movies. Even the movies with a G-rating! WHAT? EMMA TOLLY
MANFRED BLOOR You don't kill people in G-rated movies! BILLY RAVEN I wanna protest! This isn't a family movie at all! Let's amp up the rating of this show! OLIVIA VERTIGO Good idea! But let's be careful, for the writer will keep it PG even though we'll be doing some pretty outrageous stuff and whatnot. CHARLIE BONE Let's be careful; we don't want to scare of any kiddies. NAREN BLOOR Hello? Have any of you forgetten that I exist? CHARLIE BONE Naren? Why are you here? NAREN BLOOR Same reason you are here, Charlie to get away from the evil Dark Wizard and find a safe place to stay for a while. MANFRED BLOOR And now you're stuck here. Welcome to the club. We're all running from the Dark Lord as well. NAREN BLOOR Ok; I'll join your club if we do three more scenes before the next cheesy song is played.
38. CHARLIE BONE & MANFRED BLOOR (Meanwhile the Disney Nazi goes to the audience and says...)
DISNEY NAZI NO DISNEY FOR YOU! HOGWARTS. - CONTINUOUS (IN THE ROOM WHERE THE CHILDREN OF THE RED KING ARE STAYING) CHARLIE BONE Why are you here? NAREN BLOOR I was sent here to get away from the Dark Lord. OLIVIA VERTIGO He didn't want you, he only wanted us. NAREN BLOOR But what if he tried to capture me? He wouldn't. He would. CHARLIE BONE NAREN BLOOR
TANCRED TORRSON So why are you here? You're not really a Bloor's student. The Dark Lord wanted all the Bloor's endowed. Not you. GABRIEL SILK You're not even a student here at this school, are you? NAREN BLOOR Of course not, silly. LYSANDER SAGE Don't you even have a concept of what school is?
39. NAREN BLOOR
FIDELIO GUNN No you don't. If you did, you'd be in school already, not hiding out in the wilderness like a coward. CHARLIE BONE Awww c'mon guys, lay off her, please? MANFRED BLOOR Yes, listen to Charlie. He knows everything. BILLY RAVEN Shut up, Manfred! You're a bully and you know it! MANFRED BLOOR Ouch! That hurts! EMMA TOLLY You deserved it, you moron! MANFRED BLOOR Like you don't deserve it too! BILLY RAVEN Shut up, Manfred! LYSANDER SAGE C'mon people, let's try and get along here. We still haven't decided if we want Naren on our team! OLIVIA VERTIGO Like can we even trust her? TANCRED TORRSON Can we really trust a girl who lives in the wilderness? FIDELIO GUNN How do we know she's not a traitor? GABRIEL SILK She could be working for the Bloors for all we know.
40. CHARLIE BONE That's enough! Naren is joining us, and no more questions! I understand if you don't know her very well, but we're going to need her. Now, we're going to have to trust her without question! Is that understood? ALL Yes, Charlie. MANFRED? Yes, Boney. CHARLIE BONE MANFRED BLOOR
CHARLIE BONE Go ahead, Naren. Thank you. NAREN BLOOR
CHARLIE BONE I hope you can really help us. NAREN BLOOR Don't worry I will. MANFRED BLOOR And if you betray us... NAREN BLOOR You think this looks like the face of a traitor to you? No! CHARLIE BONE & MANFRED BLOOR
NAREN BLOOR Just checking. EMMA TOLLY How do we know we can trust you? We aren't on good terms with the Bloors, and yet, you're one of them. OLIVIA VERTIGO What she said. And no matter how many fanfics pair you up with Charlie, know this I SAW HIM FIRST!
41. NAREN BLOOR Ok, ok, I get it, I get it! Don't be so testy! FIDELIO GUNN Oh don't worry. She won't...much. LYSANDER SAGE But for now, we've gotten our scene with Naren. (to Naren) You better be staying with us in every scene we're in instead of doing your own thing. TANCRED TORRSON I think everyone wants chapter 3. AUDIENCE We want chapter 3! Give us chapter 3! GABRIEL SILK Is this enough for you? NAREN BLOOR Yeah...ok. We can move on to chapter 3 now. Hooray! AUDIENCE CUT TO (CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND CHARLIE, TANCRED, LYSANDER, FIDELIO, GABRIEL, OLIVIA, EMMA, BILLY, MANFRED, AND NAREN DANCE) RANDOM WOMAN (singing) Here we go, one more time, in a world that we don't know, and you're not gonna believe it, but it's up to me to set things right. RANDOM MAN (singing) And in the greatest adventure of our lives, there's no turning back; we only have but one choice now, that's to move forward...
42. RANDOM WOMAN & RANDOM MAN And...IT'S THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY! Where anything and everything goes! THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY, And life certainly has changed! Now we will see chapter 3 of the grand old adventure! It's gonna be the greatest adventure of our lives! (cheesy song ends) BLOOR'S ACADEMY. - THE NEXT DAY LORD VOLDEMORT And now that we're done watching movies, you children will meet your new classmates, who will educate you in your new venture, Corrie Anne, Tyler, Chloe, Addison, Bartok, Maddy, Ivy, Donnie, Slade, and Treasure. MADDY/SARA LEE I'm Sara Lee now. WHAT? ALL
MADDY/SARA LEE You heard me. I'm Sara Lee now. ASA PIKE Since when did you change your name? MADDY/SARA LEE Since that chapter in that bad fanfiction story. DORCAS LOOM Do you have an identity crisis? MADDY/SARA LEE No, but that Treasure has like 1,000 last names. LORD VOLDEMORT Enough, children! It's not time to teach our new friends how to zap muggles and mudbloods, intimidate half-bloods, and reprimand bloodtraitors.
43. TREASURE TOLKIEN But I thought we agreed not to do that at all! LORD VOLDEMORT Oh, did we? Well, what I meant to say was that we're going to learn how to intimidate muggles, humiliate idiots, and cause nothing but trouble for all those who hate magic. WHAT? ALL
BARTOK RASPUTIN You work for us now. You will learn that magic is good and anyone who hates people who use amgic must be silenced and humiliated. JOSHUA TILPIN I wanna protest! This isn't what I signed up for! (everyone else agrees with him) TREASURE TOLKIEN But this is what you must do. You can't just sit around and let those without magic tell you lies and tell you that magic isn't real. ADDISON And besides, "normal" is so overrated that it's not even funny at all. ASA PIKE So what are we to do now? MADDY/SARA LEE You all must be trained as magicians, wizards, people who will intimidate those who think they own everything but they will lose in the end. We're going to mess them up and when it all ends, magic will rule supreme.
44. IVY Now you know why you are here? IDITH BRANKO Same reason you are here to destroy those who are destroying the world and bring it back to the magical one we all know. LORD VOLDEMORT Very good. Now it's time for the training to begin. (to Wormtail) Cue some inspirational music! WORMTAIL Ok, but I don't know what to choose. I know. SLADE
(he plugs in his iPod and music starts playing. everyone stares at him) This isn't exactly inspirational. TREASURE TOLKIEN Must I do everything myself? (she plugs in her iPod and switches to the song Eye of the Tiger) This is inspirational music! WORMTAIL What song is that? TREASURE TOLKIEN Eye of the Tiger by Survivor from the Rocky III soundtrack. LORD VOLDEMORT Very good. Now we begin the training. We will not rest until the muggle world has fallen!
45. HOGWARTS. CHARLIE BONE Well that's just great! We're stuck here at Hogwarts with no way to even get out. Now how are we going to take back Bloor's? EMMA TOLLY I don't know. Maybe we're not meant to go back to Bloor's at all. OLIVIA VERTIGO Maybe that Dr. Cullen was right after all. We shouldn't be interfering in this situation at all. MANFRED BLOOR What's that I hear? You guys are just giving up? You're going to let them win? Yeah. ALL
MANFRED BLOOR What the hell is wrong with you? Charlie, where's your defiance? Olivia, where's your bravery? Tanc, how's about getting angry and blowing some of that wind around? TANCRED TORRSON Since when did you care about us? LYSANDER SAGE Since that chapter where he tried to be the leader and Billy shut him down. BILLY RAVEN I don't think Manfred has the capacity for leadership at all. NAREN BLOOR No, he does not. But then again, why should we trust him?
46. CHARLIE BONE I say we ask those wizards for help. Maybe they can help us retake the school. FIDELIO GUNN Good idea, Charlie. We'll need all the help we can get. (they all leave their room and head to the Room of Requirement) HARRY POTTER What are you guys doing here? CHARLIE BONE We want to escape and fight for our school. JACQUEL ROMANOV Yeah, I've heard that one 1,000 times. WHAT? ALL
JACQUEL ROMANOV I've tried to help many people take back their lives, but none of them really put in the effort to really save themselves. Like who? ALL
JACQUEL ROMANOV Let's see here… (grabs a book) Phigre from Storm & Discord…nope, he failed to even escape from his room… (grabs another book) Kaita from Sword's Darkness…fell dead after defying Dumbledore. I'm afraid that I can't help you guys. Sorry. CHARLIE BONE Awww come on! We heard you were the best of the best! Can you help us? PLEASE?
47. HARRY POTTER
(looks at Jacquel; she nods) Ok. We're in. but we'll have to train you very very hard. JACQUEL ROMANOV And it won't be easy, nor will I go easy on you. But we will train you. (Ron and Hermione show up) HARRY POTTER Say hello to my friends Ron and Hermione. They will also be teaching you. RON WEASLEY So do we have an inspirational song? HERMIONE GRANGER I think so. Jacquel's got tons of songs, right Jacquel? JACQUEL ROMANOV Lemme check my iPod. (soon everyone else shows up) Well, looks like we've got an even bigger crowd than I though. No matter. It's training time! (Eye of the Tiger by Survivor from the Rocky III soundtrack plays as both groups train their students) (AFTER THE TRAINING) JACQUEL ROMANOV Congratulations, guys, your training is now complete. (everyone cheers) Now it's time to put your training in motion. (MEANWHILE AT BLOOR'S)
48. LORD VOLDEMORT Now that my new minions are properly trained in the ways of magic, we will now be using our training to intimidate anyone who doesn't like magic. Let's go! NARRATOR And so the Dark Lord and all his minions set off from Bloor's and they proceeded to cause nothing but trouble for the city of Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitop olis. The people were indeed terrified because the Dark Lord was so angry. Many people were killed just because they condemned the use of magic. But there were some who resisted. They met in the Passing house. THE PASSING HOUSE PATON YEWBEAM Well, this is great! We've got a bunch of magical troublemakers running around and yelling about. GRIZELDA BONE I say we give these troublemakers what for! (everyone cheers) EUSTACIA YEWBEAM But what about Charlie? He needs to be here in order to do something about this mess. EZEKIEL BLOOR Yeah, but we had to hide him, lest that evil wizard makes him be bad like him! PATON YEWBEAM I'm going out to find Charlie. AMY BONE I'm coming with you. So am I! JULIA INGLEDEW
49. EZEKIEL BLOOR Wait! You can't go anywhere without powers! They will find you and hurt you! PATON YEWBEAM Does it look like I want to listen to you? Now who's with me? Let's move! NARRATOR Then Paton and his miniature search party set out from Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitop olis and they headed off to London. But they weren't alone, for Robbie Evans and his siblings Louise, Felix, David, and Molly came with them. Also there was also Addie Caldwell, Jenner and Maurice Du Bois, and two strange children called Suchart Seeker and Shara Shaze. PATON YEWBEAM We have now reached London. AMY BONE But where are the children? EZEKIEL BLOOR If you were paying attention to the story, you would have found out that some crazy old man has them and Manfred locked up at his school! JULIA INGLEDEW We must save them all! PATON YEWBEAM We need to find that school and quickly! (but little did they know they were being watched) LORD VOLDEMORT So, we've got a group of rescuers, or do we? Let's get them! (he chases after Paton's search party, but disappears.)
50. BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
LORD VOLDEMORT (standing behind her) I'm over here! LUCIUS MALFOY Then who's that over there? (he points to a pile of rags where Voldemort once stood) LORD VOLDEMORT Stop looking at those rags and let's go! We need to stop them before they reach Hogwarts! HOGWARTS. (AT HOGWARTS) NARRATOR Meanwhile, we go back to Hogwarts, where a quite insane Dumbledore has locked up all the girls in a dungeon cell and threw away the key. OLIVIA VERTIGO Well, that's kind of not fair! BELLA SWAN You tell me. Old men go insane, pop princesses in jail, what is this world coming to? JACQUEL ROMANOV This is all my fault. If I haven't trained them… ROSALIE HALE We'd find a way to get out. (MEANWHILE) CHARLIE BONE I can't believe that Dumbledore guy would lock up all the girls!
51. TANCRED TORRSON Who does he think he is, anyway? HARRY POTTER I thought he was a great wizard, but now I'm not so sure. Yeah, he wants me to fight for the greater good, but then I recently found out that that "greater good" crap is nothing more than a load of horseStake sauce! Thanks. RANDOM IDIOT HARRY POTTER
JACOB BLACK I will NOT be stopped by a tiny little cage! Must use reverse cage attack method! (grabs a remote and rewinds to the point when Seth is about to set off the trick cages) SETH CLEARWATER Cool, what's that? BOYS Don't touch that rope! SETH CLEARWATER Why not? (Filch trips over the rope and a cage falls on his head, trapping him) I'd rather not ask. JACOB BLACK Now let's find the girls! (they race towards the tower where the girls are being held) (CHARLIE AND MANFRED)
52. CHARLIE BONE Manfred? Where are you? MANFRED BLOOR I'm in here! (he grabs Charlie and pulls him into a spare room) CHARLIE BONE What's going on? MANFRED BLOOR This is the part where horror of unspeakable horror happens and there's lots of making out. Gross! CHARLIE BONE
MANFRED BLOOR Yeah. And before that, we have a fearful chat about the horror that is happening right now. CHARLIE BONE Don't you mean love confessions? MANFRED BLOOR You're hopeless, Charlie Bone! Completely and totally hopeless! CHARLIE BONE I am not hopeless, Manfred Bloor! You're the one who's mean because he doesn't have his mommy! MANFRED BLOOR And you're all defiant and stuff because you don't have your father with you! CHARLIE BONE You took my father away from me and where is he now, Manny? MANFRED BLOOR Don't take it out on me because your father's not here!
53. CHARLIE BONE I can so take it out on you, you stupid son of a wacky scorpioneating wombat! In fact, I should just kill you right now, you little… (just then, Manfred reaches over and kisses him. The Disney Nazi shows up. Music grinds to a halt. Screen cuts to black) DISNEY NAZI Hey, what the hell? You're not supposed to be watching THAT! That's disgusting! Here, watch this (he shows a Disney singalong. Jacob gets mad and tears him into pieces) JACOB BLACK Don't worry, kids; he'll never destroy another story again. Here, watch the girls get rescued… (IN THE TOWER) JACQUEL ROMANOV I'm going to ask you girls an important question what is up with today's crappy stories? BELLA SWAN I don't know. JACQUEL ROMANOV It's that today's stories are full of crap! I'm tired of all this realistic fiction they try to shove in our faces! Why can't we have a good fantasy for once? (just then Laurent shows up)
54. LAURENT Vampire Rescue Patrol; do any girls here need rescuing? GIRLS Over here! (he breaks down the door and the girls rush out) JACQUEL ROMANOV And now we go to fight and I avenge my family! (IN THE GREAT HALL) KLAUS BAUDELAIRE Where the hell is Charlie? He should be here by now! JASPER HALE He's probably off getting the big barrel guns. EMMETT CULLEN Or maybe he's found a way out. ALL I hope so. (just then the girls and Laurent show up) RON WEASLEY How'd you girls get out? LEAH CLEARWATER Easy. A guy came and rescued us. HARRY POTTER I will never criticize fairy tales again. JACQUEL ROMANOV But you can criticize Prince Charming. He didn't rescue me from my troubles, so why should I trust him? And besides, I liked the idea of being rescued. (just then Charlie and Manfred show up)
55. EMMA TOLLY About time you two sons of a filthy goblin-minded rat managed to show up here! Where are the guns? CHARLIE BONE I've got a letter. Since Uncle Paton might want to rescue us, I'd figure I would write and ask for help. FIDELIO GUNN Good idea, Charlie! CHARLIE BONE And then we tie it to a brick and hurl it out the window and hope he finds it… (Leah throws the brick…WITHOUT THE LETTER ATTACHED!) BELLA SWAN Leah, you idiot! LEAH CLEARWATER What? Oh come on now, Bella, I was only trying to help! ROSALIE HALE You could have waited *until* he put the letter on the brick and tied it up BEFORE you threw it! LEAH CLEARWATER So what? You're blaming ME for his loss? ROSALIE HALE Bring it on, you little punk! (They start fighting) (MEANWHILE) ALBUS DUMBLEDORE What's going on here? (Jacquel is behind him)
56. JACQUEL ROMANOV What the hell is wrong with you? ALBUS DUMBLEDORE Oh, Miss Romanov, if only your mother was smarter… JACQUEL ROMANOV Don't you bloody dare drag my mother into this! You murdered her, didn't you, you sick bastard? ALBUS DUMBLEDORE I don't know what you're talking about. JACQUEL ROMANOV I know you murdered her, you sick child of a wacky reptile-faced anaconda! And guess what? I'm gonna make you pay for her death…with YOURS! (Harry shows up) HARRY POTTER Jacquel, bad news… JACQUEL ROMANOV Harry, can't you see that I'm in the middle of a conflict here? I'm gonna take down Dumbledore! He's here! CRAP! HARRY POTTER JACQUEL ROMANOV
(to Dumbledore) I'll deal with you later! (AT HOGWARTS LAKE) LORD VOLDEMORT Bwaahahahahahahahahahaha! I've now reached Hogwarts and I'm taking over the school! Everyone will bow to me or… (just then the brick Leah threw earlier hits him in the face. He screams and says some words (MORE)
57. LORD VOLDEMORT (CONT'D) that won't be published in this story) CHARLIE BONE Who the heck is he? EMBRY CALL I don't know. HARRY POTTER Lord Voldemort, I might have known it was you the whole time! You're causing all the trouble in...(turns to Olivia) What was your town's name again? OLIVIA VERTIGO Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitpo lis. HARRY POTTER Thought so. Anyway, you're nothing more than a Holy son of a putrid worm-eating trogg! You and your Death Eaters make me laugh with all your talk about "muggles this" and "pureblood that"! Well, it ends now! LORD VOLDEMORT And you're just Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Is-A-Pain-In-My-Behind! HARRY POTTER Well looky here, you snake-faced child of a swollen badger-brained spider! I laugh at your funny looking no-nose icky looking mug! I mock all your Ugly Betty-like stepsisters, you sons of a giant worm-minded rat! (Children of the Red King start laughing) Now back off, or I will insult you again! (The kids laugh at Voldemort, who is clearly insulted)
58. LORD VOLDEMORT Children! Remember who you work for! (the laughter dies immediately) HARRY POTTER Do you have a death wish, you Holy snake-like child of a pimply shrew-hating platypus? We shall throw bricks at your head! CHARLIE BONE No, Harry, not bricks. I've got something even better. TANCRED TORRSON What can be better than bricks? BELLA SWAN Dodgeballs! ATTACK! (the kids send hundreds of dodgeballs hurtling towards the Death Eaters, who are much taken aback by the attack) LORD VOLDEMORT Avada Kedavra! Harry Potter, this be your final act! (he zaps Harry, but Dumbledore is hit by the curse) ALBUS DUMBLEDORE But why, Harry? HARRY POTTER Because, you son of a swollen spider-hating kangaroo, you ruined my life, you made me live with people I hate, you're using me as a human shield against the Dark Lord just so you can claim victory… (Jacquel grabs Dumbledore and knocks him off the wall)
59. JACQUEL ROMANOV Who's the smarter one now? EDWARD CULLEN Ok, that's enough. Now let's face him head on! (before they could do so, a bunch of knights show up) SEAN MICHAEL BLACK Evil Voldemort! (Voldemort looks at him) Today, the blood of thousands of innocent people shall be avenged! This time, I won't stop fighting until you and every one of your evil minions lies dead! (to knights) CHARGE! LORD VOLDEMORT STOP THEM! But Sean is mine! (just then, a very violent battle ensues) TANCRED TORRSON I use hurricane flash! (just then, Asa sees the flash) ASA PIKE Look out, guys! It's Tancred! The weather kid! (the kids get hit by the flash and get soaked) ADDISON You never told us that there were GOOD kids! DORCAS LOOM Why should we? (just then, an illusion of birds swoop over everyone's heads)
60. BARTOK RASPUTIN BIRDS? I FREAKING HATE BIRDS! (he runs off screaming his head off) EMMA TOLLY Nice job, Olivia. Thanks. OLIVIA VERTIGO (just then Billy has Disney figurines loaded onto catapults)
BILLY RAVEN FIRE IN THE HOLE! (figurines pelt the other kids) TREASURE TOLKIEN What the bloody hell…DISNEY FIGURINES? I HATE DISNEY! CHARLIE BONE Let us throw more dodgeballs at them! (dodgeballs are hurled at the children) ASA PIKE That's it! We can't beat them! Let's give up now! (a white flag is waved) JACQUEL ROMANOV Those evil kid minions are giving up! We win! Hooray! ALL (just then Paton shows up)
PATON YEWBEAM There you kids are!
61. EZEKIEL BLOOR Yay! You taught those others a lesson! They will get detention after we get back to Bloor's! AMY BONE Charlie, you're ok! CHARLIE BONE Of course I am, mom. I mean, with wizards and witches and vampires and werewolves, no one could possibly hurt me. JULIA INGLEDEW Good for you kids. You've won the day! SUCHART SEEKER All right, wait a sec here! This isn't Lord Voldemort! SEAN MICHAEL BLACK He isn't? Then who is he? He's… ROBBIE EVANS (rips off disguise) ALL LYSANDER SAGE
WEEDON? I KNEW IT!
CHARLIE BONE But why? WEEDON I served the Bloors all these years and they never thanked me or anything like that. That's when I got involved with Norton. But now he's in jail for life because of you snot-nose royal brats! MANFRED BLOOR Watch it punkface, or I'll bounce you from here to Moscow, back around China and up through Mexico!
62. WEEDON Oh, hello, Manfred. MANFRED BLOOR DON'T YOU DARE "OH HELLO MANFRED" ME, YOU DOG-NOSED HEAD SNAPPER! You killed the real dark lord and dressed up as him! WORMTAIL I knew he was a fake! GABRIEL SILK So who are you guys? NAREN BLOOR Oh, you haven't met Suchart and Shara? They and I are the Storybook Police, and our job is to make sure that the stories are corrected and everyone, and I mean bad guys included, live happily ever after. CHARLIE BONE So that's why you're not at Bloor's. NAREN BLOOR Right. But since this is our last job, since we arrested the Volturi and Count Olaf a few weeks back and locked them up in a horrible prison that's so bad that not even Sirius Black can escape from it, we'll have to go to school. (to Weedon) You are under arrest for causing a disturbance in Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitpo lis, recruiting children to do your evil works and lying about yourself to gain followers. WEEDON I HATE CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY THE CHILDREN OF THE RED KING! SHARA SHAZE And we're using that against you. Now come quietly… (Weedon is taken away)
63. CHARLIE BONE Great! Since there's no more Lord Voldemort and Dumbledore got what he deserved, what do we do now? NAREN BLOOR I don't know. BLOOR'S ACADEMY. - SEVERAL DAYS LATER (A FEW WEEKS LATER) CHARLIE BONE It's so good to be back in Bloor's. but for some reason, I miss those other guys. LYSANDER SAGE Us too, Charlie. GABRIEL SILK I admit it was pretty cool hanging out with real wizards. Same here. EMMA TOLLY
FIDELIO GUNN I wonder what's happening to those other guys… (IN DETENTION) DR. HAROLD BLOOR And for cooperating with a criminal, you will all receive 5 months detention! (kids groan) JOSHUA TILPIN But that's not fair! EZEKIEL BLOOR Fair is fair, Joshua Tilpin. You did a bad thing, now you are to be punished! MADDY/SARA LEE But why are you punishing us? We don't even go here!
64. EZEKIEL BLOOR Shut up and stay in here for five months! (laughs wildly as he leaves) (IN THE KING'S ROOM) Now what? BILLY RAVEN
CHARLIE BONE We finish singing that wacky song that we sang in the first scene! BILLY RAVEN Oh, but of course! (but Manfred stops them) MANFRED BLOOR How's about a…hug, Charlie Bone? Ok. CHARLIE BONE (he gives Manfred a hug)
OLIVIA VERTIGO Oh great! Charlie turned Manfred into a big softie! TANCRED TORRSON I kind of like the new Manfred. Me too. GABRIEL SILK
MANFRED BLOOR Well…don't get your hopes up. (just then Treasure and the others come to them) TREASURE TOLKIEN We've got something for you… Like WHAT? ALL
65. TREASURE TOLKIEN (Harry and his friends, the Baudelaires, the Cullens, and the wolves come out)
CHARLIE BONE What's happening? MADDY/SARA LEE It's a party! You know, to celebrate a good clean, nonDisney-like ending! TREASURE TOLKIEN Because I hate Disney. SUCHART SEEKER And you did a great job making everyone get along. BILLY RAVEN Who are you guys? SHARA SHAZE We're those random people who sang the old traditional story theme song. EMMA TOLLY I thought you were the storybook police. SUCHART SEEKER Yup, that too. SHARA SHAZE So we will sing for you guys one more time…HIT IT! CUT TO: (CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND EVERYONE IN THE ROOM DANCE) SHARA SHAZE (singing) Well, we have done what we have done; and that is set things right. Now we can go on with the rest of our lives…
66. SUCHART SEEKER (singing) We have certainly gone on the greatest adventure of our lives, and now that adventure has come to an end… SHARA & SUCHART And...IT'S THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY! Where good things happen all the time! THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY, And life is certainly grand! Now back to the real world you we shall send, for we only have two words left to say… ALL THE END! (cheesy song ends) FADE TO BLACK.