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Hand in Hand Parenting Certification Program 2013-2014

Anecdotes from Marcelo Michelsohn 1


Hand in Hand Parenting

Instructors Program

Anecdotes for Certification of Marcelo Michelsohn

Observation: Setting Limits and Staylistening are listed under the same topic,
since all the situations described present both tools in action.

A. LISTENING PARTNERSHIPS

1. Supporting Marriage Partnership

The Situation

My wife and I were raised in very different households. My wifes parents were
more permissive and loved to do silly play, while mine were more intellectual,
could set more limits, but usually would use a lot of explanation to convince us
that they were right.

Because of that situation, we have different approaches towards our own
children. Since I am the one studying Parenting by Connection and working with
it, I sometimes want my wife to do it right, which means to set limits and not be
too permissive. When I enter this mindset, I tend to act like her supervisor giving
her the looks or even telling her things like: he is asking for limits. com on!.
This is unhelpful and we end up arguing.

Listening Partnership

I have a Listening Partnership where each of us speak for half an hour and try to
work on the feelings that are overwhelming us. So, I used the last two sessions to
work on my need to get everything right and to judge others who dont get it
right.

I decide to start my sessions standing up, shaking and making sounds. This
brings up emotions that I am trying to deal with. So, I started saying what
bothered me about my wifes attitude. After a while, I moved on and got in touch
with my childhood and why I am so judgmental. I cried while remembering that I
had to do everything right when I was a kid, specially on school.

Outcome/Insight

After crying, I realized it would be great if me and my wife could give Special
Time to each other. Weve been with the children all the time and also having
friends at home which leaves no time for us. So, I spoke to her and we decided to
plan Special Time for both of us.


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2. Running an Online Group with 140 Parents

Situation
I created an online group for parents to interact with me and with one another. I
told them I was going to talk about my experiences and my studies (Parenting by
Connection, Active Education and Unschooling). It is an open ended group, and
people can join and leave as they please. It is paid. I suggested a price but let
everybody choose their own contribution. I asked my hand in hand support
group for some Listening Time right after the first chat session with this group of
parents.

Listening Time
I started shaking and I was filled by anxiety. I dont know what I am going to say
to these parents week after week. I was anxious because I had a week by myself
to prepare the start of this group. My wife and kids traveled, but now they were
coming back and I was nervous about how I was going to keep working with all
of them in the house. My Listening Partner asked me what I feared the most. I
said it was rejection. I feared that people in the group would think I was a fraud,
that I didnt have anything important to say and they would leave the group and
tell the whole world about how ignorant and helpless I was. At that point I
started to sigh really heavy and make strong sounds which released some of the
tension. All of a sudden I saw myself as a pre-teen trying to figure out all the
possible outcomes of everything so I would be prepared for when it happens.
Since early on I developed this strategy of imagining several stories about the
future (most of them negative) in order to prepare myself for frustration. I then
realized how counter productive this attitude is and had an insight that all I
could do is be in the present. Deal with what is happening now. Prepare the
classes for next week and deal with the groups reaction next week.

Insight/Outcome
If I start to fantasize about the future, I wont be doing what I need to do in the
present and I run the risk of creating a self fulfilling prophecy. After the session I
was much more energized and able to think and do what I needed to do in terms
of preparation for next weeks class.



3. Dealing with Anger When My Daughter and My Son Fight

Situation:
My daughter is 5 and my son is 3. They recently started to quarrel and fight with
one another. One day I was trying to take a nap and I heard them screaming at
each other: this is mine! My wife was supposed to be there taking care of them
but the shouts were increasing. I was triggered! I jumped out of bed, climbed the
stairs filled with anger to see the kids fighting over some toy and my wife nearby
without being able to set the limits. I lost my temper and I was reaching to take
the toy out of my daughters hand when my wife stoped me. I am glad she did. I
decided I needed some Listening Time and asked my Listening Partner for it.

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Anecdotes from Marcelo Michelsohn 3
Listenign Partnership
I stood up and started shaking my body. This helps slowing down my rational
self so my emotions can come more easily. I started saying that I hated when my
kids were fighting with each other. Suddenly I felt anger towards my brother. My
brother is two years younger than me. This anger was focused on our childhood.
My rational mind tried to jump in by thinking: But you love your brother Of
course I do. Today we are best friends. However I felt angry with him so many
times and I could almost never express that anger. At this point I started crying
and shouting. I punched some cardboard boxes that were in front of me. I started
screaming: Get out of here! Leave me alone with my mother!! She was only mine
before you arrived!! This whole process took 15 minutes.

Towards the end of the Listening Time I felt a profound empathy towards my
daughter. I realized I need to have more one on one time with her, without my
son interfering.

Insight/Outcome
Since they dont go to school, they spend a lot of time together and she must be
fed up with him being there all the time. So I decided to increase the number of
Special Time with both of them.


4. My Issues of Separation:

Situation:
We recently found an alternative school and decided to put our kids there twice
a week during the morning. The place is beautiful. The caregivers are amazing
and they share most of our beliefs about raising kids. However, the first three
times I left them there, I felt a profound sadness and was having a hard time to
say goodbye. My son was feeling it and one time he was happily going inside and
he turned his head and started to cry when he saw my face at the gate. Two
minutes after I leave them I stop feeling said and dont even think about it. The
caregivers said that after 30 seconds, my son was playing happily. So I decided to
explore this during my Listening Partnership.

Listening Partnership
I started shaking and talking about the situation described bellow. All of a
sudden I remembered when I was 8 years old and I was waiting for the school
bus and I didnt want to go in. We have just moved to a new town, so I changed
schools. I studied in a secular-jewish school before and my parents decided to
put me in a catholic school in the new town. I had a different accent than all of
my school mates. I started feeling sad and embarrassed while talking about it to
my listening partner. He asked me to slow down. I did and it helped me to get in
touch with the feelings. I just cried for 10 minutes.

Insights/Outcome
I realized that when I was a kid I couldnt cry about this move, about going to
school, about feeling anxious to hope in the bus. All this anxiety was still in me
and I was passing them to my children. It is likely that they are a bit anxious
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Anecdotes from Marcelo Michelsohn 4
about this separation today, but I am bringing all my load to them as well. I
realized that the situation is very different. They are only going twice a week. I
wait for them a few yards away from the school. I Staylistened while my son was
crying during the fist days. All of this helped me to separate their present feelings
from my past feelings and this helped a lot the next times I took them there.



B. SPECIAL TIME

1. Special Time Makes Room for Fears

Today, I did some Special Time with my children. I decided I wanted to do 15
minutes. I asked Regiane to take care of Leo during these 15 minutes. Leo cried
and said he wanted to play as well. I told him I would do Special Time with him
right after Lunas time.
Luna invited me to play cards in a way she invented. She got some cards as a gift
and they have numbers in the front and drawings in the back. She told me we
had to draw lines around the images. She took a gray pencil and I asked her what
I needed to do. She asked me to get a pencil just like hers. I took one and showed
to her.
She said: No, this is thicker than mine. You have to get one just like mine.
During Special Time its important to check what the child really wants and
follow her rules. We drew for a couple of minutes. She got tired of drawing and
said she wanted to swing on the sling hanging from the ceiling.
When she got closer to the sling, she said in a happy tone: I want to play baby in
the sling! This is a game where I help her climb and lay inside the sling just like
a baby. Once she was inside, I asked her what she wanted me to do. She said,
Start rocking me slowly, then normally, then fast, and then super-fast! I started
rocking her really slow and waited for her instructions: Now, normally, Fast,
Super-fast!. She was having fun, giggling, laughing, and said: It looks like I am
on a flying bed!!! I kept rocking her until she asked me to stop.
She said: Lets build a big tower? I said enthusiastically: Yes! We started
building the tower with old wooden blocks that I loved to play with when I was a
child. I allowed her to take the lead and I followed her instructions.
Suddenly, she asked: Do you think that the Cabra Cabres is able get inside our
castle?
Two weeks ago we went for a storytelling session and one of the stories was
about a big and ugly monster that invades peoples houses when they leave. In
the story, the mother went out to do some shopping and asked the son to stay
home protecting the house, but he decides to go play in the forest and once he is
back, the Cabra Cabres is already inside and has locked him out. The boy tries to
ask him to unlock the door but he replies in a scary voice: I am the Cabra Cabres.
Ill jump over you and cut you in three pieces!
I didnt like the story and dont think it is appropriate for a 4-year-old, but the
fact is that she listened to it and decided to bring it up during our Special Time.
Bingo. Luna kept talking about the Cabra Cabres for the next several minutes: I
dont think he will be able to enter here. If he wants, we can allow him just a little
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Anecdotes from Marcelo Michelsohn 5
peak. If he tries to go in, we can tell him the castle is not entirely built yet and he
will leave.
My undivided attention created a safe space for her to bring up a difficult issue.
She was afraid and this low-level anxiety could prevent her from using her full
energy to grow and develop.
All I needed to do was to dedicate 15 minutes to my daughter. Besides helping
her expressing some of her fears, this also improved her trust in me. This is a
virtuous cycle. The more she trusts me and opens up, the more I feel like offering
her these Special Times.
It is important to mention that she didnt fully release her fears just by talking
about them. But now, I am aware of them and I can try to help her offload her
feelings through some good laughter during Playlistening. Maybe I can pretend I
am Cabra Cabres and allow her to knock me down or expel me from the house.
Who knows? To be continued.

2. Special Time With My Daughter

The situation: My daughter (4) woke up after her nap and came to my home
office.I told her I was studying (I was watching the Hand in Hand videos). She
asked to play with a calendar and I asked if she wanted me to play with and she
said no, so I turned around and kept watching the videos.
After a while I thought that tonight I was not going to be able to take her to
Capoeira and to the Clown presentation because I had my hand in hand weekly
call. So I thought about one of the videos Ive just watched on how one can use
Special Time just before moments of separation.

Special Time: So, I turned to her and I said. I have 15 minutes to be with you.
Lets do some Special Time. We can do anything you want.. What do you want to
do? I set the alarm and follow her lead. She asked to draw using my papers and
some normal blue pens. We were on the bed, but she said we should go sit on the
floor so the pen wouldnt make a hole on the paper. (For one second I though she
was worried with the linen!). So, we got to the floor. Actually, she first asked to
write, but latter she decided she wanted to draw. I waited for her to start and
just watched. She looked at me and told me to draw as well. I am always hesitant
to draw because I dont want her to copy me. But I did it anyway. She said she
was drawing centipedes, a world of centipedes. I said I wanted to look at her
drawing but she asked me again to draw. So, I looked at the wall and drew the
power outlet. She looked at it and said: are you drawing it to put on top of the
real one? So, she began copying my drawing in her own paper. She didnt like it
and asked if she could draw on my paper by the side of the original drawing,
which she did. The alarm went of. I said that I enjoyed being with her and that we
should do it soon. She asked me if we could do it tonight. I told her she was going
to Capoeira and to the Theater to see a Clown and I was going to stay and be part
of a call. She said that Calls are much more fun because you dont have to stay
quite in the theater waiting for the show to end. We hugged and she went on to
play with something else.

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Anecdotes from Marcelo Michelsohn 6
The Outcome: When time came for us to say goodbye, she just said: Enjoy your
call. I will take pictures of the Clown presentation to you! turned away and off
she went.

3. Special Time Before Saying Goodbye

Situation:
We bought a ticket to spend a week on the beach but I couldnt go anymore and
decided to stay home while my wife and kids would go. I had a lot of work to do
and I was also recovering from a flu.

Special Time:
On the day of the trip my daughter (5yo) requested a Special Time with me. I
understand now that she was taking the leadership role in the family and I
welcomed it. I stopped everything ant told her and my son (3yo) that I would do
Special Time with them. I told her I had 15 minutes to be with her and do
whatever she like together. She decided to run as far as possible from her
brother and we hid together in places decided by her. After that she asked me to
read a book for her. I asked her where she wanted and she said she wanted to be
in my bed and asked to cuddle. After a while, the alarm rang and we hugged for
a while.

Outcome/Insight:
I am glad that she took the leadership role and asked for what she wanted which
allowed me to offer her what she needed before I took them to the airport.
During the trip I was able to work very well. Every other day she would send me
whatsapp messages telling me what she did and asking me what was I doing. The
exchanges were relaxed and not coming form a place of neediness or control.


4. Cookies and Reconnection

Situation
I had just scheduled a 3 day work trip without my family and I offered my son
(2.5 yo at that time) some Special Time.

Special Time:
He asked me to eat cookies with honey. We usually control the amount of honey
they use, but this time I allowed him to use as he pleased. He took the honey and
poured over his plate. He took some cookies and would put them on top of the
honey press them and eat. I was beaming all my love and paying attention to all
his moves and expressions. At one poin he asked me: Dad, did you fly in the blue
plane? (There is an air company which has blue airplanes). I said yes. I didnt
understand why he asked me that all of a sudden, and he continued. Are you
going to England? To which I said no. After a while the alarm rang.

Insight/Outcome
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Anecdotes from Marcelo Michelsohn 7
A month ago I spent 8 days in England and this was the first time my son ever
mentioned it. I believe the Special Time gave him enough safety to explore his
feelings of separation.


C. SETTING LIMITS

1. Teatime Crying: Helping Children Offload Their Feeling

Situation
Yesterday I had a tough workday. I needed to create a slideshow during the
morning and after that I was going to a partners meeting to have a difficult
business conversation. I managed to meditate, work and prepare breakfast
before everyone else was awake. But after that I was running around with no
time for connection. I worked in the morning, had a quick bite for lunch and went
to my meeting. I came back home at 19:30, after the kids and Regiane, my wife,
had had dinner. I ate a sandwich. I was stressed and sad. I didnt even talk to (my
son and around 20:00 he asked to nurse and sleep. It was weird because we play
every night after dinner and then we have tea before going to sleep. My wife took
him to the room and I stayed withmy 4 year old daughter.
We went to the kitchen so I could prepare the tea. She asked me to read a story
while we waited for the tea to be ready. The story she wanted was on Regianes
iPad. I took the iPad and started reading it to her but halfway through the battery
died. Luckily I knew the end of the story. I am bringing this up to illustrate how
children are frustrated with small and big stuff through the day. This frustration
builds up inside them and needs to be released somehow.
When I finished the story, I served the tea: a cup for me, one for her, and another
for Regiane, who was still in the bedroom with my son. My daughter asked to go
into the bedroom and my first reaction was to say, No. I was afraid she was
going to wake up her brother. I told her she could go quietly. She opened the
door and told my wife the tea was ready in a soft voice. My wife said she was
going to join us in a bit, but didnt (another frustration).

Setting Limits and Staylistening
Me: Lets think about what we most liked in our day or about something we are
grateful. (We do this every night)
Luna: Wheres mommy?
Me: Wheres mommy?
Luna: She is with Leo. She is going to miss teatime!
Me: She will drink later. Did you think about something good?
Luna: I am not going to say anything!
(First red flag: she is always able to mention one or two good things that
happened during the day)
Me: All right. I am going to say then.
Luna: I am not going to toast with you.
(Second red flag: we always make a toast when someone says something good
that happened during the day)
Me: All right.
Luna: I am going to call mommy.
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After the 2 red flags it was clear that Luna needed a limit, so she could offload her
feelings.
Me: No, you are going to stay here with daddy.
If she was feeling well, it would be ok for her to stay with me, but she started to
cry. Now it was time to do some Staylistening.
Luna: I want mommy! I want to sleep!
Me (calmly): We are going to stay here.
Luna: I am going to cry until mommy comes! (She starts crying and screaming.)
Me: You are going to wake Leo up and Mommy wont be able to come.
Damn! What a mistake! I forgot for a second that at this moment she was flooded
with emotions and needed connection not explanation. When our limbic system
inundates our brain with emotions, the pre-frontal cortex (the rational part of
the brain) cant work well and therefore there is no point in explaining things.
Luna kept crying and I stayed with her. I just listened to her crying and kept eye
contact. Leo started crying inside the room and started asking to leave the room.
I thought to myself: I hope Regiane keeps the limit there, and she did.
Luna started to calm down.

Outcome
When she stopped crying I said I was grateful that her godmother stayed with
her during the afternoon so Regiane could run errands. I said it was time to
brush her teeth and go to the toilet. She went without a single complaint. She was
as happy as she could be. So, after a 3-minute cry she was able to offload some of
her feelings and started functioning well again. We went into the room. Leo was
awake on Regianes lap. I asked Luna to climb to her bed and she did. I closed the
door and 10 minutes later Regiane arrived, after letting the two of them fall
asleep.

2. Setting Limits and Creating Connection Around Nap Time
My son was very agitated. He woke up at 6am and therefore was tired by the
time we finished lunch. To make things more complex, my wife decided a week
ago that she would not nurse him when he is tired so he doesnt fall asleep
nursing. Of course, he asked to nurse and she said no. However she kept
offering him several alternatives. She will be R and he will be L on the
dialogue below.
R: Do you want to come and sleep in our bed?
L: I do. He came to our bed but couldnt stay still.
R: Do you want to sleep on my lap?
L: Yes. But still he wouldnt calm down, and told her when she was already
laying down: I want you to sit down so I can go to your lap!

His tone of voice and the kind of demand were two red flags. When he is feeling
well and thinking straight, he would just accept the invitation to sleep between
us in our bed.
R: Alright, I will sit down.
He climbed into her lap, but after a minute he went to his mattress that was
placed by the side of our bed and started playing with the curtains. Bingo! It was
time to act. I climbed down the bed, got near him, looked him in the eyes and
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Anecdotes from Marcelo Michelsohn 9
said: It is time to nap now. You are going to take a nap in our bed, between
mommy and daddy.
L: No! I want to stay here!
Me: You are not going to stay here. I will move your body and you will rest with
us.
It is important to notice the difference between Setting Limits and coercion. I
didnt say: Either you come to our be or I will grab you. I also didnt threat him
with punishments: Either you come, or you will not play with the candles latter
on. I also didnt blackmail him: Come with me and I will give you chocolate
after the nap. I simply told him, using a firm but calm tone of voice that this was
the time to rest and that he would rest with us. He almost always rests after
lunch in his own bedroom and taking a nap in our bed is something that he loves.
I took him to bed and he tried to escape. I kept my arm in front of him, without
holding him. He started crying and saying he wanted to go to his mattress. I kept
listening, looking into his eyes and sometime I would say: You are going to rest
in our bed, now or I know you want to go to your mattress, but you wont.
These sentences help the crying to keep flowing so he can offload as much as he
needs. He tried to jump to his mattress over his mother, and she helped me in
keeping the limit. At one point he pushed my arm and said: Take your hand off
of me! I took it off and kept looking into his eyes while he did a good heartfelt
cry. Slowly he laid down on top of Rs body. I laid down on my side of the bed and
we kept connected through our eyes until the three of us fell asleep.
Love and Connection
I woke up. He was sleeping by my side and R had already left the room. I left him
in our bed and went to the other room, to work. I left the doors open so I could se
him when he wakes up. Fifteen minutes later I hear him climbing down from our
bed and leaving our room. Most of the times he would look for mommy and ask
to nurse, but this time he saw me and came in my direction. He had that beautiful
look on his face of a child waking up, caught in between dreamland and real life.
He lifted his arms and I grabbed him as he sprawl himself over me. What a sweet
encounter. I started rocking the chair, caressing his back and singing melodies
that resonated on my mind from the Taketina workshop. I felt profoundly
connected to him. At one point I realized he fell asleep again. I stood up holding
him in my arms. His eyes opened and he smiled when he saw me. I put him on
the bed next to my desk and he fell asleep again. Ten minutes later he woke up,
happy as a camper. We played for a few minutes. I was sniffing him pretending to
be a dog while he would push me away and I would exaggerate and jump away
from him with every push. He was laughing contagiously. After a brief while I
told him I needed to get back to work (actually to writing this post) and he
slowly climbed down from the bed, left the room and went playing with his sister
and mom.

3. My Niece

Situation:
My niece (1yo) was at our home with my brother and my sister in law. She
started playing with the fruit salad. She was putting the pieces of fruit from the
big bowl into her small bowl but didnt stop. She was just playing with the food
and not eaing.
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Setting Limits:
I looked at her, put my arm in front of her hand and said: no, no, no. She
laughed and tried again. I said: no more fruit. She became angry and started to
cry. I Staylistened to her. I would say once in a while no more fruit and she
would cry some more. My brother and his wife dont allow her to cry and would
either do what she wants or distract her. She cried for about 5 minutes.

Outcome/Insight
After she stopped crying and calmed down, she looked at me, took a piece of pear
from her bowl and put it in my mouth. Then, she gave me her fork and asked me
to do the same with her. She ate some fruit, smiling, and went out to play.


4. Setting Limits Between Two Children

Situation
My son (3yo) had a foil paper in his hands when J (5 yo) approached and said I
was playing with this. I was going to make an invention. We were at Js house.
His parents are Leos godparents. J wanted to take the piece of foil paper from
my sons hand.

Setting Limits
I got down to my knees placed my arm in between them, looked at J and said we
dont pull things from other peoples hands. He looked at me and and said: but
it is mine! I said: I am hearing you say that this is yours. My son said: I took it
first and J said I was playing with it before. I repeated what each of them said,
looking them in the eye and believing that my role there was not to sort out the
situation, but just hold the limit. J. got irritated but I held the limit. He
complained, stomped his feet.

Outcome
All of a sudden, J ran away and said: I have an idea!. He came back with another
piece of foil paper and offered it to my son who gladly accepted and gave his
piece to J. I believe the little bit that J. offloaded was enough for him to think well
and create a solution that was good for both of them.



5. Limits, Staylistening and Nursing

Situation
My son (3yo) is still nursing. My wife has been saying she wants to stop nursing
and has been reducing the amount of times she allows him to nurse. Today, he
woke up and went to our room and nursed for some time. The four of us needed
to leave the house and my wife told him to stop. She told him he could nurse
later, downstairs. When they went downstairs he asked to nurse but my wife
said, Later, when I am ready. She was getting dressed, fixing breakfast and
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couldnt connect with him. After the third time he asked and she replied harshly I
decided to intervene.


Limit / Staylistening
I looked in his eyes and said: You are not nursing now. He started to cry and to
say that he wanted to nurse. I staylistened for 10 minutes repeating once in a
while that he was not going to nurse now.


Outcome
When he calmed down he said he needed a napkin to wipe his nose. I told him
there was napkin in the bathroom. He went, got it and cleaned his nose. Sat down
by my side and waited for my wife to call him when it was time to nurse


D. PLAYLISTENING

1. Horseriding Play
Every night after dinner, around 7:30pm I play with my children, Luna (4) and
Leo (2). They decide where and what they want to do. They have been choosing
to play on my bed lately. Before we start, I let them know that I am setting the
alarm for 15 minutes. This is enough for several kinds of play but we usually do
some roughhousing.
Last night, Luna asked me to be a horse and started riding on my back. I walked
on my fours and then I turned my body and she fell on the bed. It wasnt a strong
movement, but she said: Dad, I didnt like it. I realized that I took the lead of the
play from her and introduced an element that was not aligned with her needs at
that particular moment. It was something of mine.
After that I decided to pay more attention to their needs and started to ask what
they wanted the horse to do. They invented this play where the horse would let
them climb, give them a ride, eat and drink. At some point the horse was even
combed.
Latter on, Luna said that I was a child eating lion. I asked Leo if he wanted to be
part of this play and he said no. I am glad I was present and connected,
otherwise I would have included him in something that he didnt ask. Even Luna,
who suggested the play said that she didnt want the lion to eat her.
I think the best thing that happened was Luna telling me what she didnt want
and what she did want. And also, I was glad I didnt start punishing me mentally
for having made a mistake. I simply remembered to pay more attention and
moved on.
I am not sure about what issues I had as a child that led me to make Luna fall
from the horse, but this surely changed the power structure of the play. All of a
sudden I was the most powerful one, the strongest.
It is not always possible to know for sure what kind of tensions the child is
releasing during play. Sometimes I feel that trying to interpret what is happening
during the Playlistening makes me loose the connection. So, I prefer to let go of
the need to understand the content beneath the play as long as they are laughing
and having fun.
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2. Play and Trust: How My Son Fell Asleep Alone

Yesterday my wife went to a workshop from 6:30pm until 10:30pm and before
leaving, told our kids that they would be sleeping by the time she got back. At our
home, she is the one that usually stays with the children when they go to sleep.
At 6pm she said goodbye and left. When the door closed I thought: I will do 1
hour of Playlistening.
I told the kids: Its 6pm. We have until 7pm to play. You can choose anything. We
have one full hour! I set the alarm and they helped me choose. Firstly we
jumped and jumped and kept falling on my bed, which is something they love
and laugh a lot. After a while they asked to watch videos I recorded in my
smartphone, specially the one where they are playing Capoeira. We watched a
little bit. They know I dont enjoy watching videos during playtime. They gave up
and we went back to playing.
Thats when things got interesting. My son (2 and half yo) said he was a baby and
he wanted to sleep. He threw everything that was on top of my bed on the floor
and made himself a crib where he lay down. My daughter (4y and 8m old) got
into it. First she said she was also a baby, but after some consideration she
decided to play mom. I was dad, and my son was our baby.
They proceeded to take all of the bed sheets, bedcover and pillow-cases they
could find in the wardrobe in order to improve the crib. I started getting
uncomfortable with the mess they were creating. I took a deep breath and
thought: we can tidy up together after playing. A while ago I would probably
have stopped the flow of the play by forbidding them to make the mess. I might
still do that in the future if I am in a hurry or stressed. It happens.
Well, our play continues with my son laying down on top of all those sheets while
my daughter and I were at my bed pretending to sleep when suddenly our son
would wake up and we had to comfort him. My daughter would hold him and
say: Calm down. Everything is OK. You can sleep now. We did this routine for 4
or 5 times. Afterwards they decided just to jump from my bed on that mounting
of sheets for about 10 time laughing all the way. The hour flew by.
When the alarm rang they wanted to continue playing and I said we needed to
tidy up the mess. My daughter had a great idea: Lets play that we are tiding up!
Perfect. This thing that could be the reason for upset, became a play. They would
fold the sheets and give them to me so I could store them back in the wardrobe.
Of course I had to do some re-folding, but they didnt stop until everything was
stored and my bed was prepared like a hotel room bed.


3 and 4: Roughhousing on the Bed

Situation:
I love to play, but I have difficulties starting up a new play out of the blue. I was
taking the role of the parent who was setting the limits while my wife was being
more playful. I felt that my children started to anticipate me setting limits and
our relationship was becoming stiff.
Hand in Hand Parenting Certification Program 2013-2014
Anecdotes from Marcelo Michelsohn 13

Playlistening:
Please click this LINK to watch the video. The password is handinhand

Although it is in Portuguese it is possible to notice how I wait for them to give me
instructions which I try to follow as best as possible.

Outcome:
Our relationship improved a lot. I loosened up and was able to enjoy them in a
different way.

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