SOUTH BEACH HERALD

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© 2014 Cheap Shots
FAST BREAKING SOUTH BEACH NEWS
“It is amazing how much information our cub reporter acquires from sources by identifying
himself to news sources as “Walter from the Herald,” proving that our publication has
immediately acquired a reputation equal to the Miami Herald’s.” Editor
22 July 2014
Pleasure Emporium Burnt to Cinders
by Walter Davidson
i

SOUTH BEACH HERALD
South Beach—The building at 1019 5
th
Street occupied by Pleasure Emporium, which was
gutted by a mysterious fire starting in the roof over the front door last October, is now for sale
as made evident by two signs placed on the building by real estate agent Jonathan Eisman of
Lombardi Properties (305-282-1862).

SOUTH BEACH HERALD

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Code Compliance administrator George Castell said he was sending an officer to the scene to
investigate the fact that the two signs do not have $25 sign permit decals on them as required
by local ordinances.

As for the fire, rumors were afloat in the neighborhood that it was ignited by one Juanita
Emporia Placer, a disgruntled S&M model whose body was allegedly found in the building by
firefighters. A source who did not want to be identified because he is married said Placer was a
former nun featured in Craig A. Monson’s book, Nuns Behaving Badly: Tales of Music, Magic,
Art, and Arson in the Convents, on sale at the store.

Juanita Emporia Placer
Miami Beach firefighters are to be commended for their heroic efforts to save what appeared
to be a scantily clad woman from the fire. However, according to South Beach Police
Commander Captain Enrique Doce, the body found under a rack was actually a mannequin.
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The fire was apparently not intentionally set by a disgruntled member of South Beach’s once
booming sex industry—Walgreen’s condom sales on 5
th
Street set a national store record in
2012. A copy of the fire report is expected to be received by South Beach Herald in seven or
eight months.

Customers unaware of the fire, none of whom would speak on the record, have been trickling
to the shop ever since. The owners of the Pleasure Emporium business reported on their
website that they were unsure of whether they would reopen the store.
# #
SOUTH BEACH HERALD

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i
Walter Davidson is a nom de plume of David Arthur Walters, President of the Legitimate Press Association

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