Punzi Schemes

A Compilation of Punny Daffynitions


By Sally Morem


 Zenophobia—An excessive fear of people who practice Eastern
Philosophy.
 “Here’s looking at you, kid.”—What Humphrey Bogart said to his
goat.
 Scream of consciousness writing—Stephen King’s creative process.
 A terminal situation—the result of the evil workings of a computer
virus.
 Slush fund—extra revenue needed for snow plowing.
 Cold war—a snowball fight.
 Class warfare—the annual snowball fight between the juniors and
seniors.
 A farmer—a man outstanding in his field.
 Laughing stock—ticklish cattle.
 A steering committee—a beef cartel.
 Genetic engineering—designer genes.
 Zen paradox—two boat docks owned by Master Po.
 Cell phones—issued to prisoners for good behavior.
 Overexposure—why the photos of the porn queen didn’t turn out.
 The Opiate of the Masses—the boy on the Andy Griffith Show.
 Tombstone Pizza—what the undead love to eat.
 Lake Erie—the official Halloween Great Lake.
 Ghost writer—an author of scary stories.
 Web sites—traps for unwary insects.
 “Heads will roll!”—what the gardener says to the cabbage patch.
 Graveyard shift—a skeleton crew.
 Wrap music—performed by The Mummies.
 The Hunchback of Notre Dame—named All-American last year.
 Talk between giraffes is over our heads.
 Be a tissue donor. Give me a Kleenex.
 Dracula asked the blood bank for a withdrawal.
 Dracula refused to bite the neck of the beautiful young woman
because she wasn’t his type.
 Waxing philosophical—reading Plato by candlelight.
 “I stand corrected.” Overheard at a chiropractor’s office.
 A chicken was found dead at the scene of the crime. Fowl play is
suspected.
 All of the toilets were stolen from the police station. There are no
clues to the crime. The cops have nothing to go on.
 The English Channel—What British folks watch on the telly.
 Film strips were banned in Boston.
 The cannibal gave his son a skull because he wanted him to get ahead.
 A major traffic jam—what an overturned Smucker’s jelly truck
causes.
 A gallon of Behr paint. What a grizzly uses to decorate his den.
 Bean supper scheduled. Music will follow.
 What happens when the District Attorney gets a major crime family to
testify? The Sopranos sing.
 The robber ordered the clown to “stick ‘em up and don’t try anything
funny.”
 The newspaper writer in charge of obituaries is the Mourning Editor.
 Where are today’s Washingtons, Jeffersons, Jacksons? They’re
playing basketball.
 Transcendental Meditation—what a Zen Buddhist does before the
dentist applies the drill.
 Queen Mary is having bottom scraped.
 When they told me I was gullible, I believed them.
 When the patient was diagnosed as a kleptomaniac, the doctor ordered
him to take something for it.
 How can senior citizens who play 15 bingo cards at once get confused
by a butterfly ballot?
 Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead considered Tom Brokaw to be just a
common-tater.
 Why would psychics need a hot line?
 The duck ordered chap stick and told the clerk to put it on his bill.
 The cat swallowed a dollar bill. No change yet.
 It takes a child to raze a village.
 Hypocrite: One who complains about sex, bad language, and
violence—on his DVDs.
 No, the Wicked Witch of the East did not merely suffer from
symbolic fears of being crushed.
 Ignore apathy!
 Procrastinate now!
 A peeping tom called and asked the elderly woman to close her
bedroom shade.
 The kindergarten teacher was working way too hard. She said, “I
have to get up real early, when the big hand is on 12 and the little
hand is on 5.”
 After the little beaver carved a totem pole out of a tree, his mother
told him to stop playing with his food.
 All generalizations are false.
 Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
 Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
 Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
 Gun control is a good aim.
 Annual Psychics’ Dinner Notice: “You know where. You know
when.”
 Goldilocks gets grilled: “Have you ever broke into a stranger’s home,
played on their furniture, ate their food, and fell asleep on their bed?”
 Sheriff to outlaw: “There’s a stagecoach leaving in ten minutes. Be
under it.”
 Purranoia: The fear that your cat WILL get you.
 What vegetable is served with roadkill? Squash.
 Gravity: It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.
 You’re having a bad day when your twin sister forgets your birthday.
 Instant Analysis: When the shrink, possibly named Dr. Phil, tells you
to stop whining and get on with your life. [That would save you a few
thousand bucks.]
 Stephen King says he has the heart of a small boy—in a jar on his
desk.
 Epitaph on tombstone: “Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not
rising.”
 Life without geometry is pointless.
 The International Association of Clairvoyants conference will begin
by reading next year’s minutes.
 A three-legged dog walked into the Old West saloon and told the
bartender: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”
 “Is that the banjo player’s Porsche?” What’s the rarest question in the
English language?
 Doctor: “I can’t figure out what’s wrong with you. I think it may be
due to drinking.” Patient: “Okay. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
 Life not only begins at 40, it begins to show.
 “In case of fire, don’t panic. Simply flee the building with the same
reckless abandon that occurs every day at quitting time.”
 Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The flight attendant says, I’m sorry, only one carrion allowed per
passenger.
 Why did the leopard go and attack a perfectly nice juggler when his
pal told him to attack the jugular?
 Q. What horrible-tasting candy does a Hindu Minnesotan get for his
evil deeds? A. Bad Caramel.
 Q. What do you get when you cross a famous children’s book with the
Internet? A. Charlotte’s Web Site.
 The perfect shoes for someone suffering from water on the knee:
Pumps.
 “This coffee tastes like mud!” “That’s funny. It was just ground
yesterday.”
 If you want to keep out of hot water, load your dirty plates into the
dishwasher.
 Hear about the antenna who got married? Great reception!
 A priest, a rabbi, a blond, and a dog walk into a bar. Bartender says,
“What is this, some kind of a joke?”
 The medical student was told to learn how to write less clearly.
 Juliet asked the Invisible Man, “Wherefore art thou?” “Right here.”
 A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist were sitting in a
sidewalk café when they noticed two people going into the house
across the street. A few minutes later, they saw three people coming
out. The physicist said: “Our first count wasn’t accurate.” The
biologist said: “They must have reproduced.” But, the mathematician
concluded: “If exactly one person enters the house, it will be empty
again.”

Funny Country-Western Song Titles:

 Take Back Your Heart, I Ordered Liver
 If Today Was a Fish, I’d Throw it Back
 You’re the reason our kids are so ugly
 I don’t know whether to kill myself or go bowling
 Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed
 How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
 I changed her oil; she changed my life
 I flushed you from the toilet of my heart
 I would’ve wrote you a letter, but I couldn’t spell yuck
 I’m just a bug on the windshield of life (country western Zen)
 My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him
 She got the gold mine and I got the shaft
 She got the ring and I got the finger
 Velcro arms, Teflon heart
 You can’t have your Kate and Edith too
 You were only a splinter as I slid down the banister of life

More Puns. Awwwwwwwk!

 I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandpa. Not screaming
in terror like his passengers.
 Martha Stewart was warned by authorities not to cook the books. She
replied that the proper term was “sauté the books.”
 Martha Stewart also told authorities that subpoenas should be served
with appetizers.
 What is a robot’s favorite American freedom? Freedom of assembly.
 How do robots court their mates? They spark ‘em.
 Who be a pirate’s favorite robot? AAAARRR too Dee-too.
 A robot shrink asks his robot patient on the couch: “When did you
realize you hated your manufacturer?”
 Best Fourth of July joke ever: Donald Trump was giving commentary
during the New York fireworks extravaganza. He explained to the TV
audience that the American colonists told George III, “You’re fired!”



And now, for some punny reports from the business world:


 The Otis Elevator Company has had its ups and downs.
 General Mill’s profits are rising.
 The Wilson sports equipment company’s net profits are on the
rebound.
 The swing set manufacturer’s future is on a downslide.
 The fireworks company’s growth is exploding.
 Joanne Fabrics Store’s organizational structure is unraveling.
 Jarrod jewelry store’s projected profits are glittering.
 Larson Boat’s financial situation is on an even keel.
 Bachman Floral’s profits are sprouting.
 The Titlist golf ball company’s profits are going down the hole.
 Cambria Countertops’ financial outlook is solid
 Anderson Windows clearly shows growth ahead
 Sherwin Williams is spreading its assets too thinly.
 The market for Pampers is bottoming out.
 The vending machine company is in for a lot of change.
 The x-ray machine manufacturer’s financial report is negative.
 The electrical company executive was caught short selling company
shares of stock.
 The maternity clothes shop will be open on Labor Day.
 Pearl Vision’s outlook is good.
 The beautician’s business is dyeing.
 Hormel’s growth trends are meating expectations
 The bowling alley’s growth is guttering out.
 The music store’s profits are going Bach up.
 Boeing’s airplane orders are taking a nosedive.
 Helium was up
 Feathers were down
 Paper was stationary
 Farm prices were growing
 Fluorescent tubes were dimmed in light trading
 Knives went up sharply
 Barber shops survived on razor-thin margins
 Cows steered into a bull market
 Pencils lost a few points
 Hiking equipment was trailing
 Escalators continued their slow decline
 Weights went up in heavy trading
 Light switches were off
 Mining equipment hit rock bottom
 Pampers Diapers remained unchanged
 The market for raisins dried up
 Coca Cola fizzled
 Caterpillar stocks inched up a bit
 Sun Microsystems peaked at midday
 Balloon prices were inflated
 Batteries recharged the market


Football jokes


 Bronko Nagurski, the old time Minnesota Gopher football star, was
tough guy. He was asked where he was going to college while he was
working on the farm. He picked up a horse-drawn plow and pointed it
toward Minneapolis.
 When Bronko played for Chicago, he had a tough day against
Washington. He bulled his way through their defense for a
touchdown, bounced off a goal post, and rammed into a brick wall.
Afterwards, he said, “That last guy hit me awfully hard.”


And the sign near the cemetery said “Dead End.”


 The sign at the orange juice factory said “Concentrate.”
 The sign at the veterinarian’s office said, “Back in an hour. Sit.
Stay.”
 The sign on the door of the bakery said, “Today’s Special.” Someone
scribbled underneath, “So is tomorrow.”



Best One-Liners from Rodney Dangerfield

 A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s
nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.”
 I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.
 I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
 Mom hated me. She’d tell me, “Go play on the freeway.”
 The doctor told my mom after my birth: “I’m sorry. We did
everything we could, but he pulled through.”
 When I was lost, I asked a policeman for help. “Do you think you can
find my parents?” “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they
could hide.”
 My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
 When I worked at a pet shop, people kept asking how big I’d get.
 I said, “Doctor, every time I get up in the morning and look in the
mirror, I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” “I don’t know,
but your eyesight is perfect.”
 My mother never breastfed me. She told me she only liked me as a
friend.
 When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot. But I always found them.


Best Norwegian Jokes


 Instructions on the bottom of Coke bottles for Norwegians: “Open
other end.”
 It was a very snowy winter in Minnesota. Every day, it seemed
another storm would hit. The radio announcer told his listeners that a
snow emergency was proclaimed. Drivers had to park their cars on
the even side of the street. So Ole got up and did so. The next day
drivers were to park on the odd side of the street. So, Ole would get
up again and do so. Finally, the snow got so bad the announcer said
that there was to be no parking on the street. “Vell, vhat am I goin’ ta
do now?” “Oh, Ole,” Lena said, “Park the car in the garage!”
 The Norwegian sex manual only has one page with these instructions:
“In. Out. Repeat if necessary.”
 Ole’s dog, Ragnar, couldn’t play poker worth a darn. Every time he
had a good hand, he’d wag his tail.
 Ole read that drinking is bad for you. So he gave up reading.
 Ole loves seafood. So, at the restaurant, he ordered Rocky Mountain
oysters.
 Little Ole went home from Sunday School and told his mother about
Moses: “Moses got behind the enemy lines and he had his engineers
build a pontoon bridge across the Red Sea. Moses’ people crossed
over. When his spies told him a corps of Egyptian tanks was about to
cross the bridge, he got on his walkie-talkie and ordered his air force
to blow up the bridge. The air force blew it up and the Israelites were
saved.” “Are you sure that’s the story the Sunday School teacher told
you?” “No. But you just wouldn’t believe the way the teacher told
it!”
 Ole was told he should back up his hard drive. He wondered how to
put it in reverse.
 Ole decided to finally wash his old, grimy sweatshirt. He asked Lena
what setting he should use on the washing machine. “It depends.
What does it say on your shirt?” “Minnesota Vikings.”
 The Norwegian restaurant’s sign said, “Open seven days a week and
weekends.”


Test yourself. Are you as old as dirt? You are if you can
remember when…


 Girls had ugly gym uniforms.
 Being picked last for your phy-ed team was a real embarrassment.
 Girls were not allowed to wear pants and boys were not allowed to
wear jeans to school.
 Nearly everyone’s mom was home when the kids returned from
school.
 It took five minutes for the TV to warm up and almost all the shows
were in black and white.
 No one owned a purebred dog and almost everyone let their dogs run
loose.
 You got a quarter for your weekly allowance.
 The tooth fairy paid a dime per tooth.
 You’d gladly reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
 Your mom wore nylons in two separate pieces held up by a garter
belt.
 All your male teachers wore suits and ties and all your female teachers
had their hair done up and wore high heels to school.
 You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped by the
station attendant without having to ask. And the service was free.
 Gas cost 35 cents per gallon.
 When you paid for your groceries, the store gave you trading stamps.
 Laundry detergent had free drinking glasses, dishes, or towels hidden
inside.
 You’d get dressed up in your good clothes when you went out with
your parents to a restaurant.
 Your school threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. And
it did.
 A 57 Chevy was everyone’s dream car.
 No one asked where the keys were. They were in the car. In the
ignition.
 You lay back on the grass with your friends, looked at the clouds, and
said this one looks like a horsy and that one looks like a bunny rabbit.
 Spinning around in circles, getting dizzy, falling down, was fun.
 Pills and bottled food didn’t come with safety caps.
 Going to the principal’s office for being naughty wasn’t as scary as
going home that afternoon.
 A foot of snow early school morning was a dream come true.
 You ate dry Kool-Aid with sugar. And you enjoyed it.
 You ate 15-cent McDonald’s burgers.
 You went to the A & W root beer stand to get root beer with your
parents. Nothing else. That was a real family outing.
 You bought 5-cent packs of baseball cards filled with five cards and a
stick of gum. You gave the gum away because you wanted the cards.
 You enjoyed the bubblegum scent on your baseball cards for months.
 Sticking baseball cards or playing cards to spokes with clothespins
turned your bike into a motorcycle.
 You played “eenie-meenie-minie-moe.”
 “Oly Oly Oxen Free” made perfect sense.
 “I double-dog dare ya.” was a serious challenge.
 Taking drugs meant chewing orange-flavored children’s aspirin.
 “Race issues” meant arguing over who could run the fastest.
 “War” was a card game.
 Having a weapon at school meant being caught with a slingshot.
 Kids received toy guns for birthday and Christmas presents and no
one thought anything of it.
 Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.


I remember all of these things. So, of course, that makes me as
old as dirt.



My favorite Halloween costumes

 The tallest boy in my 6
th
grade class, much taller than me, dressed in
drag, in real women’s clothes, while wearing falsies. Definitely going
against body type.
 Friends with a newborn baby girl dressed in a skunk outfit. They
called her their little stinker. Oh so cute.
 Several guys at a costume party dressed as Monty Python village
idiots, complete with striped shirts, suspenders, and bandages
wrapped around their foreheads. “Ooooo! My brain ‘urts!” “It’ll
have to come out.”
 Debbie, former saleswoman where I worked. Dressed as a witch. A
very detailed costume. Verrry Scarrrry. Heeheeheeheehee…
 Eleven high school girls borrowed their high school team’s uniforms
and dressed as the football team.
 A woman on the bus dressed as a sexy lion, her hair done up in a lion
mane, Rrrrrowrrrrr.
 An old roommate with a lot of tech skill built an excellent Borg
uniform. “You will be assimilated.” He also owned a complete set of
full-plate armor.
 Myself as a fortune-teller. I had a scarf dress, made up of several
color scarves sewn together. I also had bright pink material with
which I wrapped my head, lots of costume jewelry, and even more
makeup than that. “Your future is very cloudy.”


Infliction of pun-ishment was aided by the good work of Herr Punmeister
Rich. Contributor to the late and much missed newsletter, Paper Cuts.