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9/7/04
Dear Audrey VanOen & Eric Kooyer, Masters of
Psychological Coupling
If you found a couple of pocket Bibles under your
windshield wipers this summer, chances are I was there. I
spent the summer telling the good newspartly in the
form of pocket Bibles, but also in other ways. SO why
didnt I stop in?
First, it took a little while, but I slowly came to the
realization that you are not true friends. You did not
truly care about me, but only about the person you
thought I might be, or the person you wanted me to be.
Or at worst you didnt care about me at all in any way,
but just wanted to find out what made Phil Kok tick, not
believing that it was truly just Jesus. Or if it was just
Jesus you wanted to make sure I played by the rules,
right? The CRC rules? Or the Jesus rules?
Well, given both of you (at least Audrey) come from the
Reformed tradition (I dont know about Eric at all-other
than that he did go to Calvin College, but on the other
hand he also went to a public high school) you probably
are most interested in making sure I was playing by the
CRC rules which means no premarital sex, right? (Albeit
the Jesus rules might include that too, but not in such a
cut-and-dry legalistic manner as you might find in the
minds of some CRCers who are justified by a handful of
rules they believe to be the sum of the Christian faith)
That would explain why you showed up one morning at
7:00 a.m of all times on a day that a gal slept overher
name was Kathy Lawrence by the way and she was from
Grand Rapids, and probably still lives there. Cmon Eric
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& Audrey, admit ityou were spying on me, werent
you? What you didnt know was that she experienced a
Phil Kok sleepover meaning I woke up the next
morning still a virgin (and she did too if she was a virgin
prior to that particular evening). It is possible to sleep
with a gal and not go all the way. As it turned out
Kathy and I were not all that compatible in a lot of ways,
albeit I still have a lot of Christian care for her.
One reason I realized we were not very compatible was
that she came from the public school systemalbeit, like
Eric, also attended Calvin College. Nonetheless, while
there are a lot of good public schools with good kids, and
Ive even taught in public schools, the character that is
produced by the public schools is different than that
produced by the Christian schools (and this is not a
matter of salvation, just worldview).
And I know the two of you enjoyed disparaging GRCH
students in mypresence, along with various other things
so I wonder why I ever hung around with you as much as
I did. I recently realized I may have been fooled by a
process of psychological couplingor negatively coupling
that you employ.
Psychological coupling happens when people forsake
basic truths and begin playing popularity contests,
sometimes at the expense of others, and one way they
boost their popularity is by coupling (or tripling, or
quadrupling, or what have you) with institutions, other
people, et. Al. Or, on the other hand, they negatively
couple others. For example, you might negatively couple
me with the GRCH you negatively characterize. Or you
positively couple yourself with being Canadian, and
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negatively couple others as American (albeit I dont
understand how Eric puts up with that too much)
I also have some hard feelings about what you did to
Barb Wiersma. I think she was led astray by your way of
lifea way of life I still dont understand. Barb was a
solid, good, well-intended gal who was on the right
trackwhere she got led astray there are a variety of
possibilities, in addition to, or apart from you, but I dont
know enough about her to speculate.
You have done your best to couple your way to the top,
but have done so at the expense of others along the way.
You never asked me about the lives of people I knew in
Grand Rapidsyes some of them GRCH students who
have all kinds of struggles, difficulties, impediments etc.
just like anybody else. You act as if they are all a bunch of
shallow prima donnas, and couple me with them.
I also was disappointed when Audrey snuck into the
honors convocation with meputting on a robe as if she
had earned the right to be there. I didnt think that much
of it at the time, but in retrospect I feel it compromises
the integrity of the processand the integrity of those
who truly earned the right to be there-having done their
God-given best.
You also may have coupled me in a grandiose way
with California or the Crystal Cathedral, and may have
put a negative slant on it. What you did or did not realize
was that I did not grow up in California and was a senior
in high school when our family moved to southern
California where my dad grew up, in part.
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When you showed up in California unannounced I was
working on a masters degree and left you at my parents
house for part of the daythen that evening went out for
a little while, treated you to a gift meal, and you went on
your way. You didnt ask any significant questions about
me, my family, my relations etc. But I know you knew or
know or think you knew or know something about me
the only question is what and where you got that
information and what kind of slant was put on that
information.
I would rather have you ask, rather have you see for
yourself, rather that you discover the truth in an honest
manner than partial truths via gossip. So stop negative
coupling me and positive coupling yourself. If you want to
positive couple yourself in the only integral mannertell
the good news of Jesus Christyou can go to church all
your life, but if you never tell the news, you arent really
experiencing a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.