Chaotic Paramour--Chapter one: "Your heart will." | Nature

My eyes swung open. I flew across my room and slammed the button to turn off my alarm.

oh, how I hated that sound. It rang in my ears like nails on a chalk board notifying me that I was still alive. Somewhere deep inside my heart I had hoped each night when I fell asleep, that I would not wake up, that I would not have to face another day. The California sun shone brightly through my second story window as if to give me a false hope that today would be different. I stood in my full body mirror searching for myself. My crimson, plaid pajama top had somehow come unbuttoned again and it was draping off my shoulder partially exposing the breasts I had been so excited to grow. Maybe I just sleep too rough, I told myself with doubt swimming around in my head. I couldn't be sure because I did not remember anything after the nightly beating I had received. My brown waist length hair was in such a mess. I could see the sorrow in my eyes, causing them to tear. The old bruises that had covered most of my body were starting to turn yellow, making room for the new ones, I knew were still to come. beep, beep, beep, beep. My alarm went off again. I guess I had hit the snooze button. I grabbed the cord with all my frustration and ripped it out of the wall. "Lil?" my step father, kapolo, yelled up the stairs. My heart stopped, my body filled with fear. I hurried to my door and threw it open, ran down the stairs skipping every other step till I was face to face with him. I knew better than to answer from my room. "Yes, sir?" I asked in a monotone voice. I could never put any personality behind my voice when I spoke to him because I feared he would see it as disrespectful or sarcastic. He taught me better than that. "Just making sure you were awake... Go get dressed. You look like a little whore" kepolo insulted. My mother just went about her morning routine, not even a second

thought about the name kapolo had just called me in front of her. I think the space where her heart was supposed to be, was now a vacant space. The only time she ever spoke to me was when she needed attention. She would climb under the kitchen table with a knife and tell me goodbye while holding it up to her wrists, slowly cutting until I would beg her not to. Of course, when I was in a puddle of tears and lying about what a great mother she was, she would stop and go about her day just fine. I had called the police so many times because my mother took some pills....well, lied to me about taking a bottle of pills, anyway. She felt nothing for anyone except herself much like a text book sociopath. "Yes, sir" I replied again, but only because I was not allowed to speak unless spoken too and if I had dared to say anything more I would be looking forward to more punishment when I got home from school. I proceeded upstairs holding back the tears that wanted ever so much to caress my cheek. I was used to being called names by now but that didn't make them hurt any less. when I got to my room I closed the door ever so softly in fear that he would accuse me of slamming it and I was not going to give him an excuse to hurt me again, not today. I put on a pair of my baggy blue jeans and a long sleeved, brown shirt that fit me like a nightgown, grabbed my bag and headed to school. I walked to school everyday. I suppose I could have rode the bus, but I didn't have any reason to. I was kind of nonexistent in school. I wasn't a loser. I just wasn't there. It was always like this as far back as I can remember. I have always hidden in the shadows and just had too much to think about to care what other people thought about me. As I was walking, my head down, staring at the cracks in the sidewalk and trying not to step on them. For that brief amount of time to and from school, That was my only complication in life; don't step on the cracks. As I was walking I came across a rolled up twenty dollar bill. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. I continued to school with a little skip in my step. Today is going to be a good day.

I approached the door for my first class, Photography, The smile still on my face. A boy I hadn't seen in my class before held the door open for me. He was so beautiful. He was wearing kahki pants that looked as though they had just come out of a package and a blue and tan plaid button up shirt. A little dressy for school, I thought, but I didn't much care, he looked fantastic in it. His brown hair that caressed his face so gently to just below his temples was like a curtain to his beautiful ice blue eyes that seemed to pierce into my soul. They were like white marble with a crystal blue shade of glass layered beautifully on top and they were encircled with a deep demin blue ring. He had a very masculine jaw line and his lips...oh how i wanted them to be the first to touch mine. He was tall but not too tall maybe six feet but no more. He had Pale skin that looked as soft as a new born and he smelled like fresh spring flowers after a rainfall. Every time he walked by I would breathe him in deep and try to hold onto that intoxicating smell. The bell rang for school to start and for the first 15 minutes I had no idea what my teacher was saying his voice blurred as it entered my ears. My mind racing with thoughts about this this guy. I wanted to know him. I was mesmerized by him. When the teacher was done talking we all went about our own routines. I still had film that needed to be developed, so I made my way to the dark room. This wasn't like the ones you see in the movies, there wasn't a little purple light so you could see. This dark room was black, no light at all, so you have to do everything blind.I placed the film on the counter when a knock came at the door. "Come in" I said with a little bit of attitude. Whoever it is....can't they see the sign on the door. -work in progress..do not open the door- but as it swung open the light blinding me. I saw a figure in the door way. The light glowing behind him. His broad shoulders that tapered down to a waist almost smaller than mine. "Mind if I join you?" he asked In a soft tone. His voice surging through me like electricity, Invigorating all my

senses. "it's not my dark room. Do what you like" I huffed. I had not meant to sound so angry but that's how it came out. He came into the room and closed the door behind him, locking it. When I heard the metal scraping sound of the door lock, my heart went into overdrive. I thought it would beat right out of my chest. My breathing deepend as I sensed he was getting closer. "So, how come I've never seen you here before?" I snipped. "In the dark room?" he responded. sarcasm dripping from his tongue. pausing for just a moment before continuing. "I don't go to school... the teacher is a good friend of my Mom's and he lets me use the photo lab whenever I like." "you don't go to school?" I inquired "nope. I Graduated." graduated? he couldn't be much older than I am. "how old are you?" I asked puzzled " I turn Eighteen in November, and you?" he continued winding his film into the machine. "I am gunna be sixteen next month." I said with a little grin. Taking my time finishing my film. "October?" he asked "yep" I heard the cupboard open. As he put his film inside to dry I looked in his direction straining to see him in the pitch black when I saw what looked to be glowing eyes sparkling like purple amethyst. They were only there for a second then disappeared as fast as they came. I need to stop inhaling all these chemicals all the time their making

me see shit. "Are you done with your film?" he asked as he walked past me towards the door. Breathing him in again. I pulled my film out and hung it in the cupboard. "yeah" He opened the door and proceeded to walk out. I wasn't far behind him. He sat at the table in the back of the classroom doing his own thing while my teacher was explaining our new project. I wish I could tell you what I learned but the rest of class was kind of blurry. I was daydreaming about this guy, replaying what had just happened and what I could have done differently. I didn't even get his name, but it didn't make him any less beautiful to me. I spent the rest of class trying to get another good glance at his face, without getting caught. As I was going through the lunch line I realized I still had that twenty I had found. I decided to treat myself to some ice cream. When I neared the cashier a girl in front of me seemed to be short a couple dollars for her lunch. I got free lunches so I figured why not help her out. As I pulled the money from my pocket and began to unroll it I realized that it wasn't twenty at all, it was forty, My lucky day! I offered it to the cashier to pay for my ice cream and her lunch. "Where did you get this much money from?" asked the cashier "I found it on my way to school today" I replied with a smile on my face "oh" is all she had to say before giving me my change. The other kids saw that I had money and began asking me for ice cream and for me to pay for them to get pizza instead of what was on the menu. I obliged because I had found the money, I didn't need it for anything and maybe I'll get some friends out of it.

By the time lunch was over, I had spent over half the money, but I didn't care. This day has been fantastic and I won't let anything bring me down. Today is my day! I went through the rest of my classes like a robot. My heart on cloud nine dancing with my thoughts about the guy I had met in photography class. When school was almost over my english teacher received a phone call. "Lillith Vaughan?" he called out to the class just after he hung up. His eyebrows curled up as though he didn't know who that was "Yeah?" I responded with embarrassment swept across my face "They need you in the office." he muttered before returning his eyes to his desk. That's my name Lillith Jaden Vaughan. My mother pretends to be real religious, always reciting the bible, or her version of what she thought it said, in every conversation she has. She also claims to be "clairvoyant" as she calls it. Just a fancy word for psychic, although I felt that psycho was more befitting of her. So, according to my mother; I came to her in a dream and told her my name. She's a couple pancakes short of a stack! word to the wise......Drugs are bad! When I got to the office I was told to have a seat. I sat there staring at the pictures that had to have been there since the school was built asking myself if they had ever been cleaned. The dust caked on them was so thick that Trying to see the photographs underneath was like looking at one of those seeing eye things where you have to almost go cross-eyed to see it. My principal walked out of his office his glasses pushed down to the tip of his nose. He was wearing a tan overcoat and pants that looked like my carpet at home, they were a dark faded grey. "Lillith?" he called out, glancing around as if there were other kids in the room.

"It's Lilly!" I snipped as I grabbed my bag and headed into his office. "Lillith.......or....um... Lilly is it?" He began. I nodded in agreement as I sat down in the brown leather chair. "Some of the teachers have brought to my attention that you found some money here at school and I, for one ,.... think it should have been turned in to be returned to its rightful owner." he said with a smug look on his face. "I found that money down the street from my house which is almost a mile from here." I said so matter of fact, bobbing my head here and there. My eyebrows almost touching each other in the middle as I arched them causing them to form a v on my forehead. My arms crossed as I leaned back in my chair, staring him down. Today was my day and no one was going to take it from me. "Well, as I can see your not going to be cooperative, I am going to call your parents and have them deal with this situation" he responded while opening a folder that I could only assume contained my information. "Please don't" I begged. I tried and tried to convince him but he wouldn't budge. On the walk home I tried to figure how that could get me into trouble. Ok, so I found some money? who cares. I can't get in trouble for that. I tried to convince myself that I wouldn't get beat today but with every step I took I could feel it coming. I approached my front door, my palms sweaty, and told myself to think good thoughts. I gripped the round brass handle, took a deep breath and opened my door. Kepolo was sitting on the couch, his punishment of choice laying across his lap as if it were a beloved pet. His eyes so shallow and dark, I could hardly make out the white areas. His bushy eyebrows

slightly lifted. With his chin down he stared at me with vicious excitement, like a lion right before the kill. "How was your day at school?" He asked provoking me to lie to him so he had an excuse to beat me all the more. "Good, I found forty bucks on the ground on my way to school." I told him, trying to convince him that there was no call for me to be in trouble. He began to nod as if to approve before he said "Where is it?" I reached for my pocket and pulled out what was left and handed it to him. "You found forty bucks? and yet somehow you only have...." he began and then counted it up. "sixteen dollars and some change left?" The anger welling up in his eyes. "Yes, sir" my voice became monotone again "Explain that to me! Explain how you found forty dollars, that should have come home to me, and only came back with sixteen!" He demanded as his hand clenched the weapon still lying in his lap. It was his favorite to use on me. It was about the length of a baseball bat and made of pvc pipe with holes drilled down it like a wiffle ball, designed and made by kepolo himself. I knew what was coming. Never did I see this thing and not feel it. "I bought some of my friends and I Ice cream and helped a couple kids pay for lunch." I cried. I couldn't lie, Not even if it would have saved me, because I didn't know what my principal had told him. My entire being filled with fear. "Pull your pants down and bend over the couch" he said. I thought about this for a second. I don't know what came over me usually I would just do as I was told, but this time I had a new found strength. I am almost sixteen. I am too old to pull my pants down and

bend over, what a pervert! Not that it mattered whether I bent over or not, because no matter how still I kept myself, he managed to hit me everywhere else except my behind. "No" I said under my breath, it just slipped out "I am too old to pull my pants down and bend over...If your going to hit me, I'll take it standing up." I continued in a quiet voice, trying to tell myself to shut up. He grabbed me by my arms in one hand and my hair in the other and slammed me face first on the hard wood floor. I landed on my jaw and it began to throb. He began to beat me with the stick and the more I cried the harder he hit me. He told me that when I stopped crying, he would stop hitting me. If I didn't cry at all, he would hit me harder to make me cry, and If I cried he would hit me harder until I stopped. I had another one of those "out of body experiences" I guess their called. I watched the rage well up in his eyes from the top corner of the room. I saw what looked like a smile on his face as he yelled "Do you think I enjoy this? this hurts me more than it hurts you!" yeah right I thought. My mother just went on cooking like nothing was going on...but then again this is a daily ritual. I guess after a while her heart just callused over. When he finally stopped, I was drawn back into my body. Everything hurt I could hardly breathe my clothes were soaked in blood and tears. Then he asked "Do you know why you are in trouble?" I had to watch my reply because I was unsure what I could say that would not start the whole thing all over again... "I..." "you spent my money." He interrupted me. I just lay there puzzled. I found it on the ground how could it be his...but I dared not to ask.

"Anything that belongs to you or is in your possession is mine! The next time you find money you come straight home and put it into my hands. It is not yours. Its MINE!!!" I knew that even if I had brought the money straight home I would have gotten beat for being late to school. It wasn't a matter of whether or not I would get beat, It was what for. I hurt so bad all I could think of was how to kill him and get away with it. I should be used to this by now but when I manage to not cry the whole time, he finds something more painful to hit me with. I have thought about wearing several pairs of underwear and pants but that would only take the sting off my butt which he does not hit very often. I thought for a second, would he think something was up if I walked downstairs one day with several pairs of underwear on my head? I tried to laugh but I was quickly reminded of what had just happened when I could not get enough air in my lungs. "Are you hungry?" he asked as I lay there on the floor. "yes.sir" I replied. I always had to call him sir or suffer a replay of what just happened. "Good, then you can have a big breakfast" he told me before continuing "you're lucky I am letting this whole thing slide" let it slide? let it slide? well, thank you kind sir. I would hate to see what would have happened had he not let it slide. "Thank you,sir" I replied but when I said sir I convinced myself it meant ass hole and I said it proudly. "Go to bed" then he pointed his finger at the stairway with a snap I nodded and replied "Good night,sir" "you've got fifteen minutes"

as always I had fifteen minutes to fall asleep or the whole thing started again. I plugged in my alarm clock and set it for seven. I got into my pajamas. I hated my pajamas they only reminded me of what was to come. With every button I did came a tear. As I lay down in my bed which was right below my window and began to cry again. I don't know if it was because of the emotional pain or the fact that my whole body was throbbing and laying on it was not helping. "Daddy" I called out to the stars through my window in a low sobbing voice. I didn't really know my dad. I had only seen him a couple times but i didn't care that he was neglectful. I just didn't want to be here anymore. "Daddy. Where are you?" I so wished he would barge through my front door and save me from all this. Save me from them. Thirteen minutes. I told myself. I have about thirteen minutes left. The stars looked like little pin pricks in a blanket of beautiful black velvet. one, two, three, four.....I began to count the stars in an attempt to fall asleep. Soon the sound of foot steps coming up the stairs seemed to match my counting. I rolled over on my stomach, Flung the covers over my head and tried to pretend I was asleep. The door to my room creaked open. "lil?" he called out, But I did not answer. I could hear each footstep creaking towards me. My heart began to pound like a drum in a marching band. Not tonight I told myself. Tonight he will think I am asleep and leave me alone. He sat on the bed next to me and I forgot to breathe for what seemed like an eternity. He Patted me on the back and the pain forced me to finally breathe and cry out. "I knew you were faking, Do you think I'm such an idiot that I can't tell when your faking it?" he said in a voice that made me tremble. "I was asleep..." I pleaded "and Now your going to lie to me?..." he said, his voice calm and malicious

"no. I'm not lying. You woke me up" I cried. I tried not to. I hated to let him see me cry I think he enjoyed it too much. "You disobeyed me... I told you to go to sleep." he said as he stood up and took his belt off. His belt was made of black leather. Not that it mattered, he always hit me with the buckle side anyway. I lay there holding in my tears, after all I don't think I could feel much worse than I already did. This time when he hit me all I could think of was how much all I wanted was my daddy. daddy where are you? daddy save me! I did not cry at all this time for some reason my whole body went numb. "Do you need me to hit you harder?" I heard him ask as my eyes filled with little black spots that were closing on my vision. Please let him kill me, please don't make me face another day, I prayed as I blacked out. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The next morning I awoke to the sun beaming down at me through the window. I opened my eyes and looked over at my alarm clock. six fifty eight, two minutes and I would have had to hear that buzzer again. I got up and turned it off with a smile across my face. No buzzer today!...... Maybe I died!..... I thought with excitement, but it didn't last long as I was standing there in front of the clock I realized, not only are the buttons on my pajama shirt all undone and my bottoms off entirely but, I had an excruciating pain inside me. I glanced over at my bed and saw a small amount of blood on my sheets. Nope...still alive. I thought with much disappointment and anger. I went over to my calendar to examine it. It hasn't been a month yet I knew it, and I was right. It hit me like a freight train. I didn't remember it but I knew what had happened. I felt helpless, violated...DIRTY! I grabbed my stuff and proceeded to the bathroom to take a shower. I slammed the door and made sure it was locked. I fell to the floor in an ocean of tears. Hate shot through me. Hate for not only

that abomination that married my mother, but hate for even being born. I wanted to die. Hundreds of ways to do it cycled through my head. Hang myself, drive a knife through my heart, drink bleach. There were so many options. I got into the shower. the water was ice cold, I jarred the handle all the way to the left. It slowly became warm and then scolding, but I stood there anyway, every inch of me burning. I scrubbed and scrubbed but no matter how hot the water was or how much soap I used I still felt contaminated by him. I got out of the shower, my sorrow dissolved and indignation took its place. Now I was contemplating ways to kill him. I didn't care about jail time I just knew that I would be doing everyone a favor by wiping him from the face of the earth, but how. Stab him in his sleep? yeah right he would catch me and kill me. Hey, wait...If I succeed then he is gone for good I'll never have to see him again. If I fail I'm gone for good...same outcome. I knew I didn't have the guts to take his life but it made me feel better to imagine the ways I could. I got dressed and and went into my room. I tore my sheets off my bed and contemplated burning them and the house along with 'em. I threw myself around my room knocking everything on my dresser over. I pulled each drawer out and flung it accross my room. I knew kepolo would not hit me before I went to school, he never had before, probably because it would bring attention to him if I couldn't breathe in class. I was ripping my posters off my wall when....My mother came in "What the hell is going on in here?" she demanded "Whats it matter to you? you don't FUCKING care!" I said in a low growl "You don't talk to me like to that..." she began before I cut her off "OR WHAT?? You'll have that piece of shit RAPE me again?? DO IT!!! I fuckin' dare you." "rape you??...you are such a LIAR! you'll say anything to ruin my happiness! wont you you little bitch?" "OH I'M THE BITCH??? you are the most self centered person I

have ever had the displeasure of knowing. You know whats been going on and you pretend you don't see it so that you can go about your happy little life." I screamed ,tears running down my face. She just stood there shock washed over face. I had never spoken to her in anger before in fear of kepolo but I couldn't restrain my anger. Not now......Not ever again! I grabbed my stuff for school and shoved passed her. On my way downstairs, Kepolo (my step dad) was standing at the top of the stairway with a smirk on his face. He had obviously heard everything. As I approached him he moved to the side to allow me past... good for him because I think I would have pushed him down the stairs and trampled his dead body on my way out. As I put my hand on the door knob I could feel his breath on the back of my neck and his hand reached up to hold the door closed. He said in a low almost laughing tone "You know...You'll never prove it...your just a lying little cunt" I pulled on the door but he wouldn't let it go. He just stood there right behind me and began to press his body against mine. My throat swelled and a shutter of disgust shot through my body. I heard the stairs squeak under the weight of my mother as she descended them and he backed off of me and let the door go. I gripped the handle and flung it open with all my strength. I heard the door slam against the wall with such force I was sure It left a hole where the door knob was. As I stormed out I heard kapolo yell "See you when you get home" On my walk to school it started playing back to me "You know...You'll never prove it...your just a lying little cunt". and I realized he was right. No one would believe me. These kinds of things don't happen. When I got to my photography class my teacher asked me why I was wearing a long sleeved shirt on such a hot day. "I'm cold" "if you say so" he replied

I lied through my teeth but I didn't know what else to say. One time I had told my teacher in grade school what was going on and the nurse looked at me.They called my mom and kepolo down to have a conference. My mom had told them that I got into a fight with a girl who lived next door and that I was a compulsive liar. She told them that I was just mad at him because he grounded me for the fight. so they sent me home and I got beat worse than I had the night before. So the last thing I was going to do was make that mistake again. Not only that but like kepolo said who would believe me? I would just embarrass myself by having to tell a whole group of people that I had been raped only to have my mother and kepolo tell them that I lost my virginity to some random boy and I was trying to lie AGAIN. After all I am sure that first incident was put into my school records. I went to my desk to sit down. When my back hit the seat I moaned in pain and dropped my bag. A boy picked it up to hand it to me. I looked up to him from my seat to thank him and there he was again even more beautiful than I had remembered. "are you ok?" he asked in a sweet angelic voice "Fine" I replied as I looked up at his face. He was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. My eyes glued to his for what seemed like an eternity exploring every beautiful difference in color he had in his eyes. They were like sky blue aquamarine gemstones that were encircled with denim blue saphire they caught the light ever so gracefully like diamond stars glittering amongst the onyx midnight sky. I was broken from the spell his eyes had put me under when the bell rang for school to start. I was in so much pain I didn't hear the lecture on digital photography my teacher gave. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do IF i went back to that house. I thought about telling someone, but every time I did I would manage to talk myself out of it. At lunch I sat alone at the table in the back. I was used to it. It was where I felt the most comfortable. It was dark and I could have time to be alone with my thoughts. But this time it was different. I had thought about kepolo all day worrying about what he would do to me now that I was aware of the things he did when I blacked out.

However, I decided that he was not worth me thinking about anymore today and I blocked him from my mind. Once he was gone all I could think about was this new guy and how he gave me butterflies throughout my entire being. He seemed to be able to take my pain away without even knowing it. I inhaled my hamburger and french fries, which usually tasted like I imagined road kill would taste and had all the texture of a rubber tire, but I was so hungry it tasted like steak and lobster to me. When I was done I closed my eyes and began daydreaming about my blue eyed angel again. Our first kiss, The prom, Marriage, what our kids might look like. I pulled out my note book and began drawing hearts and writing the word Love all over the place when I felt a tap on my shoulder. WHAM! I slammed my notebook closed so hard my pen flew across cafeteria. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you" said the Angel of my dreams in a laughing tone "oh....um...no ya...you didn't scare me." I replied in a shaky voice even I had never heard before. For some reason I felt terrifyingly nervous just talking to him today. He put his food down and began to walk away. "where are you going?" I yelled with panic on my tongue. I could swear the whole cafeteria stopped and looked at me. "Relax sweetheart. I was just getting your pen," as he handed it to me sweetheart? O my god! Did he just call me sweetheart? I choked on my milk. "My name is Angelo" what a perfect name for an angel, I thought. Repeating that name in my head "So are you gunna tell me your name? or should I just call you sweetheart?"

You can call me sweetheart I thought to myself "My name?" I asked. My brain refusing to function "Do you have one?" he said in a sarcastic tone before continuing "I didn't catch one yesterday and I wasn't going to ask. You didn't seem like you were in a very good mood." "Ask what" I said defensively...brain; still not in gear "A name, sweetheart. Do you have a name?" he asked again with a quirky smile on his face. He just called me sweetheart again! I thought in disbelief "uh huh" I replied before taking another drink of my milk "well??" "oh, Yeah, Lilly. my name is Lilly" I replied. Brain status? In gear, but not full throttle. "Lilly? That's a beautiful name" And it was only because he was the one who said it. It just rolled off his tongue like a soft, cool breeze. My butterflies turned into hummingbirds now. "What are you doing here? I thought you didn't go to school?" I asked quite confused. "You looked like something was on your mind...so I stayed hoping you would allow me to have lunch with you" His smile widened "Of course." I responded almost too eager. He took a seat accross from me. "So what's on your mind, beautiful?" "Nothin." I answered plainly. I didn't want to think about it anymore. "Awe....don't be like that you can trust me."

"Look, I don't wanna talk about it,ok?" I snapped. We sat in silence for a while. I felt bad for talking to him like that, but I just guess if you don't let them in it's not hard to let them go. Just then the bell rang. lunch was over. Thank god. Now I have time to figure out how to explain that. "Talk to you later, sweetheart....oh I mean...Lilly" he said with a slight head bow without allowing his eyes to leave mine. I gave a little smile and hurried back to class. For the next hour or so I tried to figure out which I liked him calling me more... sweetheart or lilly. Either one sounded beautiful coming from him. I think he could have called me fido and I would still love the way it sounded coming from his enchanting voice. I finished out the day at school, I allowed nothing but thoughts of him to swim around in my head but they were transforming, morphing into nightmares. I would think of him and I kissing for the first time and my mind would turn as we finished and he would just begin hitting me. I pictured him holding me up by the throat calling me a little whore. As much as I fought, these thoughts kept coming. When the bell rang and school was over I walked out of my classroom and began to walk across the grass towards Adaline st. As I approached the parking lot, still in my own little world, attempting to keep the nightmares at bay. "Hey lilly." I heard him call. In that intoxicating voice that sent shocks like a bolt of lightning starting from my Heart and spreading out in all directions. They shot through my arms till they reached my fingertips leaving nothing but goosebumps behind, like a love note from myself, telling me to give him a chance. I kept walking. Telling myself he'll just turn out like my step dad, he'll just wind up hurting me like everyone else. Don't turn around, I told myself over and over again until I felt his hand grab mine, causing me to drop my bag. He pulled, spinning me around to face him. Eyes locked to each others, as if our souls were trying to

communicate, with or without our permission. The sun was waning, submitting to the clouds, as I was submitting to him. It began to sprinkle delicate raindrops in the warm air. looking deep into his soul, I was comforted by him. He seemed to wipe doubt completely from my mind, wipe everything from my mind. In that moment no one and nothing existed. My hand still in his, he lifted his other hand and softly brushed the bangs out of my face. His fingers followed the outline of my face down past my temple, he caressed my cheekbone ever so sweetly with his thumb before reaching with his fingers like a comb into the back of my hair. His thumb resting on my cheek. The scenery behind him blurred, till all I saw was his alluring face, enticing me, begging me to get closer. He let go of my hand but only to rest it on the small of my back. we both pulled closer to one another, until I could feel his heart against mine, the two beats becoming one, creating a beautiful melody, only we could feel. I closed my eyes to bask in the feelings of it all. My lips hungry with anticipation for his. He pulled me into him, hard, as though he never wanted to let go. Our lips met, wet from the beautiful rain. My heart racing to catch up to his. My whole body tingled with waves of excitement. My hand followed up his arm that was around me, exploring every detail of it on my way up to his collar bone when my hand stopped on his chest just over his heart. In that moment...I felt whole, complete. My body felt weightless like the first drop on a roller coaster. In that moment I had forgotten who I was, and I didn't care. In his arms I became someone else... I became his and that's all I wanted to be, with all my heart, might, mind, body and soul. I never wanted this feeling to end. Something awakened inside me and I couldn't explain it, but I didn't have to. This was pure, untouched, Undying love. It was a feeling I wasn't accustomed to, but I planned to never again live without it. Living without love, is not living at all and I would rather die with love on my lips, than live with hate in my heart. Our kiss seemed to go on for eternity, but it was still over all too soon. His kiss still fresh on my lips. When it was over all I wanted was more. I craved it. I bit my bottom lip to taste his sweet kiss one more time. Breathing in deep I replayed it in my mind. He grasped my head in his soft hands and kissed me on the forehead. I was so overcome with emotion I swung my arms around his waist resting my head on his chest. I began to cry. Its funny how any extreme feeling

brings tears, Happiness, Hate, Love, Anger and pain. I was taught to hide my tears with shame, but I refuse, I wore these tears with pride. He leaned in, his cheek against mine and whispered "come with me, I want to show you something" Oh, how I wanted to go. I would go anywhere with him, but I was already going to suffer enormously when I got to my house because of the scene I had made and I was sure if I did not come straight home he would undoubtedly KILL me. Which, on any other day but today would have been just fine, but now I wanted to live, if only to taste Angelo's kiss one more time. I wanted to live. "I can't, my step father" I sighed "he'll kill me" fear surging through my body. "Your trembling. that didn't sound like a figure of speech. What are you so afraid of?" he said with concern written on his face "Look, don't worry about it...I just...I need to get home" I tried to convince him "I'll walk you then.. let's go" he offered "NO!" I shouted. I have no idea how kepolo would respond and I didn't want to provoke him. He would probably think I had told angelo and I didn't want him to get hurt too. "Lilly" he said looking in my eyes "Sweetheart, tell me what's wrong. Why are you so scared?" "I'm not...I just have things to do. I gotta do my homework...."I tried to convince him, when he interrupted me "Your homework?" he began giggling under his breath "You can't lie to me, but if your gunna try, at least come up with something better than homework" he said smiling at me "I'm not lying!" I yelled defensively pushing him away. I grabbed my bag, flung it over my shoulder and began to walk home.

I heard him yell from about twenty feet behind me "If you wont tell me....." he seemed to appear right in front of me, and whispered ".......Your heart will" He grasped my head in his hands, his fingers in my hair. He gazed into my eyes as if to look for something. I froze in place, staring back into his eyes as they changed from Aquamarine to bright glowing green with hints of ocean blue like Tsavorite Garnet, silver shards swam around in his eyes causing small bolts of lightning to flicker like candles on a windy day. I may have been frightened if I had not been so mesmerized. My mind reawakened by him. My whole body surging with energy. Suddenly I was seeing all my horrible memories one after the other in flashes. like my mind was on fast forward. Only, this time I was on the outside looking in. what is he doing to me? I watched the memories one after the other. I realized I did have memories of ALL the things that had ever happened. I guess I had blocked them from my mind but watching them now I understand why I had locked them away. All my pain resurfaced. Tears seemed to pour from my eyes as I watched all the things I had forgotten, all the things I didn't want to remember had happened. A few minutes passed and I snapped out of it. Still in his hands, our eyes still locked, My body still frozen in place. Small, glowing black, orbs began lifting out of my chest. Angelo let go of me and snatched them out of the air. Cupping them in his hands he whispered something to them that I couldn't quite make out, It seemed to be some other language. He opened his hands and they flew out going in all directions. I felt weak and dizzy. I looked at Angelo as I began to fall. He threw his arms around my waist, catching me, then he put an arm under my knees and picked me up. I gazed up at the sky, the rain falling like snowflakes, soft and graceful. I closed my eyes... my thoughts taking me back to our kiss as I fell asleep from the overwhelming exhaustion I felt from what had just happened.

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