Unconditiona

l
Parenting
MOVING FROM
REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS
TO LOVE AND REASON
Alfie Kohn
A T R I A B O O K S
NEW YORK LONDON TORONTO SYDNEY
Praie for Alfie Kohn an!
Unconditional Parenting
"Unconditional Parenting i #oin# $o %a&e 'o( $hin&)har!)a*o($
$he $'+e of rela$ionhi+ 'o( ,an$ $o ha-e ,i$h 'o(r .hil!/ a*o($
'o(r +aren$in# +riori$ie/ an! a*o($ ho, $o a-oi! %an' of $he
%i$a&e of o(r +re!e.eor0 I$1 ,ha$ ,e1-e .o%e $o e2+e.$ fro%
Alfie Kohn/ an! $hi i (n3(e$iona*l' one of hi %o$ +er(ai-e/
i%+or$an$ ,or&0 For 'o(r a&e an! 'o(r .hil!1 0 0 0 rea! i$45
)Ro W0 Greene/ a($hor of The Explosive Child
"Wi$$' an! $ho(#h$6+ro-o&in#0 0 0 0 Thi li-el' *oo& ,ill (rel' rile
+aren$ ,ho ,an$ $o *e *o0 Thoe ee&in# al$erna$i-e %e$ho!
of raiin# .onfi!en$/ ,ell6lo-e! .hil!ren/ ho,e-er/ ,ill ,ar%l'
e%*ra.e Kohn1 %ea#e05
)Publishers Weekly
"Thi *oo& (n!er.ore an i%+or$an$ +aren$in# +rin.i+le7 Di.i+line
i %ore a*o($ ha-in# $he ri#h$ rela$ionhi+ ,i$h 'o(r .hil! $han
ha-in# $he ri#h$ $e.hni3(e05
)Willia% Sear/ The Baby Book an!
The Discipline
Book
"I fo(n! %'elf ,an$in# $o (n!erline e-er' o$her en$en.e of Uncon-
ditional Parenting, ,hi.h i !ifferen$ fro%)an! a refrehin# .hallen#e
$o)%o$ o$her *oo& a*o($ raiin# .hil!ren0 I$1 en$er$ainin# eno(#h
o $ha$ 'o( .an rea! i$ 3(i.&l'/ *($ i$1 o +a.&e! ,i$h $ho(#h$6
+ro-o&in# i!ea $ha$ 'o(1ll ,an$ $o $a&e 'o(r $i%e05
)Bar*ara 8oloroo/ a($hor of ids !re Worth "t#
"A #if$ $o +aren$4 Ar%e! ,i$h -ol(%ino( reear.h/ Alfie Kohn
e2+oe $he har% inheren$ in ,i!el' a..e+$e! !i.i+linar' +ra.$i.e
an! offer a -arie$' of +o,erf(l al$erna$i-e $ha$ %a&e i$ +oi*le for
.hil!ren $o *e.o%e $heir %o$ $ho(#h$f(l/ .arin#/ re+oni*le el-e05
)A!ele Fa*er/ a($hor of $o% to Talk &o ids Will 'isten (
'isten &o ids Will Talk
"Alfie Kohn hol! a .r(.ial +oi$ion in $he A%eri.an !ialo#(e on +ar6
en$in#0 Unconditional Parenting i a -er' i%+or$an$ *oo& $ha$ .an .hal6
len#e/ (++or$/ an! e-en .han#e o(r +er+e.$i-e on ,ha$ +aren$ !o05
)Mi.hael G(rian/ The Wonder o) Boys an!
The Wonder o)
*irls
"Alfie Kohn !oe i$ a#ain7 He $a&e a $o+i. 9+aren$in#: $ha$ ha *een
$(!ie! an! ,ri$$en a*o($ for 'ear an! #i-e ( a ,ie ,a' of a!;($6in#
o(r lene o $ha$ ,e reall' ee i$ .learl'0 He !oen1$ #i-e i%+le r(le/ he
#i-e !ee+ (n!er$an!in# an! a .ore fo(n!a$ion for +aren$05
)<oAnn Dea&/ a($hor of *irls Will Be *irls
!lso by !l)ie ohn
NO 8ONTEST7
THE 8ASE AGAINST 8OMPETITION
THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF HUMAN NATURE7
ALTRUISM AND EMPATHY IN EVERYDAY LIFE
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY 0 0 0 7
THE TRUTH ABOUT POPULAR BELIEFS
PUNISHED BY REWARDS7
THE TROUBLE WITH GOLD STARS/ IN8ENTIVE PLANS/
A1S/ PRAISE/ AND OTHER BRIBES
BEYOND DIS8IPLINE7
FROM 8OMPLIAN8E TO 8OMMUNITY
EDU8ATION/ IN807
TURNING LEARNING INTO A BUSINESS =EDITOR>
WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A 8LASSROOM 0 0 0
AND OTHER ESSAYS
THE S8HOOLS OUR 8HILDREN DESERVE7
MOVING BEYOND TRADITIONAL 8LASSROOMS AND
"TOUGHER STANDARDS5
THE 8ASE AGAINST STANDARDI?ED TESTING7
RAISING THE S8ORES/ RUINING THE S8HOOLS
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE WELL EDU8ATED@
AND MORE ESSAYS ON STANDARDS/ GRADING/ AND
OTHER FOLLIES
INTRODU8TION A
A7 8ONDITIONAL PARENTING AB
C7 GIVING AND WITHHOLDING LOVE CD
E7 TOO MU8H 8ONTROL DF
D7 PUNITIVE DAMAGES FE
G7 PUSHED TO SU88EED HD
F7 WHAT HOLDS US BA8K@ IE
H7 PRIN8IPLES OF UN8ONDITIONAL PARENTING AAH
J7 LOVE WITHOUT STRINGS ATTA8HED ADB
I7 8HOI8ES FOR 8HILDREN AFH
AB7 THE 8HILD1S PERSPE8TIVE AIA
APPENDIK L Parenting &tyles+ The ,elevance o) Culture,
Class, and ,ace CAC
NOTES CCC
REFEREN8ES CDE
A8KNOWLEDGMENTS CGG
INDEK CGH
$o% -uch -ore precious is
a little hu-anity than all the rules in the %orld.
)<EAN PIAGET
INTRODU8TION
E
-en *efore I ha! .hil!ren/ I &ne, $ha$ *ein# a +aren$ ,a #oin#
$o *e .hallen#in# a ,ell a re,ar!in#0 B($ I !i!n1$ really &no,0
I !i!n1$ &no, ho, e2ha($e! i$ ,a +oi*le $o *e.o%e/ or ho,
.l(ele i$ ,a +oi*le $o feel/ or ho,/ ea.h $i%e I rea.he! $he
en! of %' ro+e/ I ,o(l! o%eho, ha-e $o fin! %ore ro+e0
I !i!n1$ (n!er$an! $ha$ o%e$i%e ,hen 'o(r &i! .rea% o lo(!l'
$ha$ $he nei#h*or are rea!' $o .all $he De+ar$%en$ of 8hil! Ser-i.e/ i$1
*e.a(e 'o(1-e er-e! $he ,ron# ha+e of +a$a for !inner0
I !i!n1$ realiMe $ha$ $hoe !ee+6*rea$hin# e2er.ie %o$her are
$a(#h$ in na$(ral6.hil!*ir$h .la !on1$ reall' $ar$ $o +a' off (n$il
lon# af$er $he .hil! i o($0
I .o(l!n1$ ha-e +re!i.$e! ho, relie-e! I1! *e $o learn $ha$ o$her
+eo+le1 .hil!ren $r(##le ,i$h $he a%e i(e/ an! a.$ in o%e of
$he a%e ,a'/ $ha$ %ine !o0 9E-en %ore li*era$in# i $he re.o#ni$ion
$ha$ o$her +aren$/ $oo/ ha-e !ar& %o%en$ ,hen $he' .a$.h
$he%el-e no$ li&in# $heir o,n .hil!/ or ,on!erin# ,he$her i$1 all
,or$h i$/ or en$er6$ainin# -ario( o$her (n+ea&a*le $ho(#h$0:
The *o$$o% line i $ha$ raiin# &i! i no$ for ,i%+0 M' ,ife
a' i$1 a $e$ of 'o(r .a+a.i$' $o !eal ,i$h !ior!er an!
(n+re!i.$a*ili$') a $e$ 'o( .an1$ $(!' for/ an! one ,hoe re(l$
aren1$ al,a' rea6(rin#0 For#e$ "ro.&e$ .ien.e5 or "*rain
(r#er'57 When ,e ,an$ $o %a&e $he +oin$ $ha$ o%e$hin# in1$
reall' all $ha$ !iffi.(l$/ ,e o(#h$ $o a'/ "He'/ i$1 no$ +aren$in#0 0 0 05
2 U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
One .one3(en.e of $hi !iffi.(l$' i $ha$ ,e %a' *e $e%+$e! $o
fo.( o(r ener#ie on o-er.o%in# .hil!ren1 rei$an.e $o o(r
re3(e$ an! #e$$in# $he% $o !o ,ha$ ,e $ell $he%0 If ,e1re no$
.aref(l/ $hi .an *e.o%e o(r +ri%ar' #oal0 We %a' fin! o(rel-e
;oinin# all $hoe +eo6+le aro(n! ( ,ho +riMe !o.ili$' in .hil!ren
an! -al(e hor$6$er% o*e6!ien.e a*o-e all0
Se-eral 'ear a#o/ ,hile on a le.$(re $ri+/ I ,a i$$in# in an air6
+lane $ha$ ha! ;($ lan!e! an! $a2ie! $o i$ #a$e0 A oon a $he
ding# i#nale! $ha$ ,e ,ere free $o $an! (+ an! re$rie-e o(r .arr'6
on *a#/ one of %' fello, +aen#er leane! in$o $he ro, ahea! of
( an! .on6#ra$(la$e! $he +aren$ of a 'o(n# *o' i$$in# $here0 "He
,a o #oo! !(rin# $he fli#h$45 %' ea$%a$e e2.lai%e!0
8oni!er for a %o%en$ $he &e' ,or! in $ha$ en$en.e0 *ood i an
a!;e.$i-e of$en la!en ,i$h %oral i#nifi.an.e0 I$ .an *e a 'non'% for
ethical or honorable or co-passionate. Ho,e-er/ ,here .hil!ren are
.on.erne!/ $he ,or! i ;($ a li&el' $o %ean no$hin# %ore $han /uiet
)or/ +erha+/ not a pain in the butt to -e. O-erhearin# $ha$ .o%6%en$
in $he +lane/ I ha! a li$$le ding# %o%en$ of %' o,n0 I realiMe! $ha$ $hi
i ,ha$ %an' +eo+le in o(r o.ie$' ee% $o ,an$ %o$ fro% .hil!ren7
no$ $ha$ $he' are .arin# or .rea$i-e or .(rio(/ *($ i%+l' $ha$ $he' are
,ell *eha-e!0 A "#oo!5 .hil!)fro% infan.' $o a!ole.en.e) i one
,ho in1$ $oo %(.h $ro(*le $o ( #ro,n6(+0
O-er $he la$ .o(+le of #enera$ion/ $he $ra$e#ie for $r'in# $o +ro6
!(.e $ha$ re(l$ %a' ,ell ha-e .han#e!0 Where &i! ,ere on.e ro(6
$inel' (*;e.$e! $o harh .or+oral +(nih%en$/ $he' %a' no, *e
en$en.e! $o $i%e6o($ or/ +erha+/ offere! re,ar! ,hen $he' o*e'
(0 B($ !on1$ %i$a&e ne, %ean for ne, en!0 The #oal .on$in(e $o
*e .on$rol/ e-en if ,e e.(re i$ ,i$h %ore %o!ern %e$ho!0 Thi in1$
*e.a(e ,e !on1$ .are a*o($ o(r &i!0 I$ ha %ore $o !o ,i$h *ein#
o-er,hel%e! *' $he .o(n$le +roai. +re(re of fa%il' life/ ,here
$he nee! $o #e$ .hil!ren in$o an! o($ of $he *e!/ *a$h$(*/ or .ar %a&e
i$ har! $o $e+ *a.& an! e-al(a$e ,ha$ ,e1re !oin#0
One +ro*le% ,i$h ;($ $r'in# $o #e$ &i! $o !o ,ha$ ,e a' i $ha$
$hi %a' .onfli.$ ,i$h o$her/ %ore a%*i$io(/ #oal ,e ha-e for $he%0
I N T R O D U 8 T I O N E
Thi af$ernoon/ 'o(r +ri%ar' .on.ern for 'o(r on %a' *e for hi%
$o $o+ raiin# a r(.&( in $he (+er%ar&e$ an! a..e+$ $he fa.$ $ha$
'o(1re no$ #oin# $o *(' a *i#/ .olorf(l *o2 of .an!' !i#(ie! a
*rea&fa$ .ereal0 B($ i$1 ,or$h !i##in# a li$$le !ee+er0 In $he
,or&ho+ I .on!(.$ for +aren$/ I li&e $o $ar$ off *' a&in#/ "Wha$
are 'o(r long-ter- o*;e.$i-e for 'o(r .hil!ren@ Wha$ ,or! or
+hrae .o%e $o %in! $o !e.ri*e ho, 'o(1! li&e $he% $o $(rn o($/
,ha$ 'o( ,an$ $he% $o *e li&e on.e $he'1re #ro,n@5
Ta&e a %o%en$ $o $hin& a*o($ ho, 'o( ,o(l! an,er $ha$ 3(e6
$ion0 When I in-i$e #ro(+ of +aren$ $o .o%e (+ ,i$h $he %o$ i%+or6
$an$ lon#6$er% #oal $he' ha-e for $heir &i!/ I hear re%ar&a*l' i%ilar
re+one a.ro $he .o(n$r'0 The li$ +ro!(.e! *' one a(!ien.e ,a
$'+i.al7 Thee +aren$ ai! $he' ,an$e! $heir .hil!ren $o *e ha++'/
*al6an.e!/ in!e+en!en$/ f(lfille!/ +ro!(.$i-e/ elf6relian$/ re+oni*le/
f(n.$ionin#/ &in!/ $ho(#h$f(l/ lo-in#/ in3(ii$i-e/ an! .onfi!en$0
Wha$1 in$ere$in# a*o($ $ha$ .olle.$ion of a!;e.$i-e)an! ,ha$1
(ef(l a*o($ $he +ro.e of refle.$in# on $he 3(e$ion in $he fir$ +la.e
)i $ha$ i$ .hallen#e ( $o a& ,he$her ,ha$ ,e1re !oin# i .on6
i$en$ ,i$h ,ha$ ,e reall' ,an$0 Are %' e-er'!a' +ra.$i.e li&el' $o
hel+ %' .hil!ren #ro, in$o $he &in! of +eo+le I1! li&e $he% $o *e@ Will
$he $hin# I ;($ ai! $o %' .hil! a$ $he (+er%ar&e$ .on$ri*($e in o%e
%all ,a' $o her *e.o%in# ha++' an! *alan.e! an! in!e+en!en$ an!
f(lfille! an! o on)or i i$ +oi*le 9#(l+: $ha$ $he ,a' I $en! $o han6
!le (.h i$(a$ion %a&e $hoe o($.o%e less li&el'@ If o/ ,ha$
ho(l! I *e !oin# in$ea!@
If i$1 $oo !a(n$in# $o i%a#ine ho, 'o(r .hil!ren ,ill $(rn o($ %an'
'ear fro% no,/ $hin& a*o($ ,ha$ reall' %a$$er $o 'o( $o!a'0 Pi.$(re
'o(relf $an!in# a$ a *ir$h!a' +ar$' or in $he hall of 'o(r .hil!1
.hool0 Aro(n! $he .orner are $,o o$her +aren$ ,ho !on1$ &no,
'o(1re $here0 Yo( o-erhear $he% $al&in# a*o($ 0 0 0 'o(r .hil!4 Of all $he
$hin# $he' %i#h$ *e a'in#/ ,ha$ ,o(l! #i-e 'o( $he %o$ +lea(re@
A
A#ain/ +a(e for a %o%en$ $o $hin& of a ,or! or en$en.e $ha$ 'o(
,o(l! *e e+e.iall' !eli#h$e! $o hear0 M' #(e)an! %' ho+e)i
$ha$ i$ ,o(l!n1$ *e/ "Bo'/ $ha$ .hil! !oe e-er'$hin# he1 $ol!
4 U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
an! 'o( ne-er hear a +ee+ o($ of hi%05 The .r(.ial 3(e$ion/ $here6
fore/ i ,he$her ,e o%e$i%e a.$ a $ho(#h $ha$ is ,ha$ ,e .are
a*o($ %o$0
Al%o$ $,en$'6fi-e 'ear a#o/ a o.ial +'.holo#i$ na%e! EliMa*e$h
8a#an re-ie,e! a *(hel of .on$e%+orar' +aren$in# *oo& an! .on6
.l(!e! $ha$ $he' %o$l' refle.$e! a "*lan&e$ a..e+$an.e of +aren$al
+rero#a$i-e/5 ,i$h li$$le "erio( .oni!era$ion of a .hil!1 nee!/ feel6
in#/ or !e-elo+%en$05 The !o%inan$ a(%+$ion/ he a!!e!/ ee%e!
$o *e $ha$ $he +aren$1 !eire "are a($o%a$i.all' le#i$i%a$e/5 an! $h(
$he onl' 3(e$ion o+en for !i.(ion ,a ho,/ e2a.$l'/ &i! .o(l! *e
%a!e $o !o ,ha$e-er $he'1re $ol!0
C
Sa!l'/ no$ %(.h ha .han#e! in.e $hen0 More $han a h(n!re!
+ar6en$in# *oo& are +(*lihe! in $he Uni$e! S$a$e e-er' 'ear/
E
alon#
,i$h .o(n$le ar$i.le in +aren$in# %a#aMine/ an! %o$ of $he% are
fille! ,i$h a!-i.e a*o($ ho, $o #e$ .hil!ren $o .o%+l' ,i$h o(r
e2+e.$a6$ion/ ho, $o %a&e $he% *eha-e/ ho, $o $rain $he% a $ho(#h
$he' ,ere +e$0 Man' (.h #(i!e alo offer a +e+ $al& a*o($ $he nee!
$o $an! (+ $o &i! an! aer$ o(r +o,er)in o%e .ae e2+li.i$l'
,ri$6in# off an' %i#i-in# ,e %a' ha-e a*o($ !oin# o0 Thi lan$ i
refle.$e! e-en in $he $i$le of re.en$l' +(*lihe! *oo&7 Don0t Be !)raid
to Discipline1 Parents in Charge1 Parent in Control1 Taking Charge1
Back in Control1 Disciplining 2our Preschooler3and 4eeling *ood
!bout "t1 0Cause "0- the 5o--y, That0s Why1 'aying Do%n the 'a%1
*uilt-4ree Parenting1 6The !ns%er "s 7o81 an! on an! on0
So%e of $hee *oo& !efeni-el' $an! (+ for ol!6fahione! -al(e
an! %e$ho! 9"Yo(r rear en! i #oin# $o *e %i#h$' ore ,hen 'o(r fa$her
#e$ ho%e5:/ ,hile o$her %a&e $he .ae for ne,fan#le! $e.h6ni3(e
9"Goo! ;o*4 Yo( +ee! in $he +o$$'/ hone'4 No, 'o( .an ha-e 'o(r
$i.&er45:0 B($ in nei$her .ae !o $he' +re ( $o *e (re $ha$ ,ha$ ,e1re
a&in# of .hil!ren i reaona*le)or in $heir *e$ in$ere$0
I$1 alo $r(e/ a 'o( %a' ha-e no$i.e!/ $ha$ %an' of $hee *oo&
offer (##e$ion $ha$ $(rn o($ $o *e/ hall ,e a'/ no$ $erri*l' hel+6
I N T R O D U 8 T I O N G
f(l/ e-en $ho(#h $he'1re o%e$i%e follo,e! *' .o%i.all' (nreali$i.
+aren$6.hil! !ialo#(e in$en!e! $o ho, ho, ,ell $he' ,or&0
D
B($
,hile i$ .an *e fr($ra$in# $o rea! a*o($ $e.hni3(e $ha$ +ro-e $o *e
ineffe.$i-e/ i$1 %(.h %ore !an#ero( ,hen *oo& ne-er e-en *o$her
$o a&/ "Wha$ !o ,e %ean *' e))ective95 When ,e fail $o e2a%ine o(r
o*;e.$i-e/ ,e1re lef$ *' !efa(l$ ,i$h +ra.$i.e $ha$ are in$en!e! olel'
$o #e$ &i! $o !o ,ha$ $he'1re $ol!0 Tha$ %ean ,e1re fo.(in# onl' on
,ha$1 %o$ .on-enien$ for (/ no$ on ,ha$ $he' nee!0
Ano$her $hin# a*o($ +aren$in# #(i!e7 Mo$ of $he% offer a!-i.e
*ae! olel' on ,ha$ $he a($hor ha++en $o $hin&/ ,i$h .aref(ll' .ho6
en ane.!o$e $o (++or$ hi or her +oin$ of -ie,0 There1 rarel' an'
%en$ion of ,ha$ reear.h ha $o a' a*o($ $he i!ea in 3(e$ion0
In!ee!/ i$1 +oi*le $o %a&e 'o(r ,a' .lear a.ro $he .hil!6.are
helf of 'o(r lo.al *oo&$ore/ one $i$le a$ a $i%e/ ,i$ho($ e-en realiMin#
$ha$ $here1 *een a .oni!era*le a%o(n$ of .ien$ifi. in-e$i#a$ion of
-ari6o( a++roa.he $o +aren$in#0
So%e rea!er/ I realiMe/ are &e+$i.al of .lai% $ha$ "$(!ie ho,5
(.h6an!6(.h $o *e $r(e/ an! (n!er$an!a*l' o0 For one $hin#/ +eo6+le
,ho $o $ha$ +hrae aro(n! of$en !on1$ $ell 'o( ,ha$ $(!ie $he'1re
$al&in# a*o($/ le$ alone ho, $he' ,ere .on!(.$e! or ;($ ho, i#nifi.an$
$heir fin!in# ,ere0 An! $hen $here1 $ha$ +e&' 3(e$ion a#ain7 If a
reear.her .lai% $o ha-e +ro-en $ha$ !oin# x ,i$h 'o(r &i! i %ore
effe.$i-e $han !oin# y, ,e1! i%%e!ia$el' ,an$ $o a&/ "Wha$ e2a.$l' !o
'o( %ean *' e))ective9 Are 'o( (##e$in# $ha$ .hil6!ren ,ill *e *e$$er
off/ +'.holo#i.all' +ea&in#/ a a re(l$ of x9 Will $he' *e.o%e %ore
.on.erne! a*o($ $he i%+a.$ of $heir a.$ion on o$her +eo+le@ Or i x ;($
%ore li&el' $o +ro!(.e %in!le o*e!ien.e@5
So%e e2+er$/ li&e o%e +aren$/ ee% $o *e in$ere$e! onl' in $ha$
la$ 3(e$ion0 The' !efine a (..ef(l $ra$e#' a an'$hin# $ha$ #e$ &i!
$o follo, !ire.$ion0 The fo.(/ in o$her ,or!/ i li%i$e! $o ho, .hil!ren
behave, re#ar!le of ho, $he' feel a*o($ .o%+l'in# ,i$h a #i-en
re3(e$/ or/ for $ha$ %a$$er/ ho, $he' .o%e $o re#ar! $he +er6on ,ho
(..ee!e! in #e$$in# $he% $o !o o0 Thi i a +re$$' !(*io( ,a' of
%ea(rin# $he -al(e of +aren$in# in$er-en$ion0 The e-i!en.e
6 U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
(##e$ $ha$ e-en !i.i+linar' $e.hni3(e $ha$ ee% $o ",or&5
of$en $(rn o($ $o *e %(.h le (..ef(l ,hen ;(!#e! *' %ore
%eanin#f(l .ri$eria0 The .hil!1 .o%%i$%en$ $o a #i-en *eha-ior i
of$en hallo, an! $he *eha-ior i $herefore hor$6li-e!0
G
B($ $ha$1 no$ $he en! of $he $or'0 The +ro*le% in1$ ;($ $ha$ ,e
%i a lo$ *' e-al(a$in# o(r $ra$e#ie in $er% of ,he$her $he' #e$
&i! $o o*e'N i$1 $ha$ o*e!ien.e i$elf in1$ al,a' !eira*le0 There i
(.h a $hin# a *ein# $oo ,ell *eha-e!0 One $(!'/ for e2a%+le/ fol6
lo,e! $o!!ler in Wahin#$on/ D080/ (n$il $he' ,ere fi-e 'ear ol! an!
fo(n! $ha$ "fre3(en$ .o%+lian.e =,a> o%e$i%e ao.ia$e! ,i$h
%ala!;($%en$05 8on-erel'/ "a .er$ain le-el of rei$an.e $o +aren$al
a($hori$'5 .an *e a "+oi$i-e i#n05 Ano$her +air of +'.holo#i$/
,ri$in# in $he :ournal o) !bnor-al Child Psychology, !e.ri*e! a !i6
$(r*in# +heno%enon $he' .alle! ".o%+(li-e .o%+lian.e/5 in ,hi.h
.hil!ren1 fear of $heir +aren$ lea! $he% $o !o ,ha$e-er $he'1re $ol!
)i%%e!ia$el' an! (n$hin&in#l'0 Man' $hera+i$/ $oo/ ha-e .o%6
%en$e! on $he e%o$ional .one3(en.e of an e2.ei-e nee! $o
+leae an! o*e' a!(l$0 The' +oin$ o($ $ha$ a%aMin#l' ,ell6*eha-e!
.hil!ren !o ,ha$ $heir +aren$ ,an$ $he% $o !o/ an! *e.o%e ,ha$
$heir +ar6en$ ,an$ $he% $o *e.o%e/ *($ of$en a$ $he +ri.e of loin# a
ene of $he%el-e0
F
We %i#h$ a' $ha$ !i.i+line !oen1$ al,a' hel+ &i! $o *e.o%e sel)6
!i.i+line!0 B($ e-en $ha$ e.on! o*;e.$i-e in1$ all i$1 .ra.&e! (+ $o *e0
I$1 no$ ne.earil' *e$$er $o #e$ .hil!ren $o in$ernaliMe o(r ,ihe an!
-al(e o $he'1ll !o ,ha$ ,e ,an$ e-en ,hen ,e1re no$ aro(n!0 Tr'in# $o
fo$er in$ernaliMa$ion)or elf6!i.i+line)%a' a%o(n$ $o an a$$e%+$ $o
!ire.$ .hil!ren1 *eha-ior *' re%o$e .on$rol0 I$1 ;($ a %ore +o,erf(l
-erion of o*e!ien.e0 There1 a *i# !ifferen.e/ af$er all/ *e$,een a .hil!
,ho !oe o%e$hin# *e.a(e he or he *elie-e i$1 $he ri#h$ $hin# $o !o
an! one ,ho !oe i$ o($ of a ene of .o%+(lion0 En(rin# $ha$ .hil!ren
in$ernaliMe o(r -al(e in1$ $he a%e $hin# a hel+in# $he% $o !e-elo+
$heir o,n0
H
An! i$1 !ia%e$ri.all' o++oe! $o $he #oal of ha-in# &i!
*e.o%e in!e+en!en$ $hin&er0
Mo$ of (/ I1% .on-in.e!/ !o in!ee! ,an$ o(r .hil!ren $o $hin&
I N T R O D U 8 T I O N H
for $he%el-e/ $o *e aer$i-e an! %orall' .o(ra#eo( 0 0 0 ,hen $he'1re
,i$h $heir frien!0 We ho+e $he'1ll $an! (+ $o *(llie an! rei$ +eer
+re(re/ +ar$i.(larl' ,hen e2 an! !r(# are in-ol-e!0 B($ if i$1
i%+or$an$ $o ( $ha$ &i! no$ *e "-i.$i% of o$her1 i!ea/5 ,e ha-e $o
e!(.a$e $he% "$o $hin& for $he%el-e a*o($ all i!ea/ in.l(!in# $hoe of
a!(l$05
J
Or/ $o +($ i$ $he o$her ,a' aro(n!/ if ,e +la.e a +re%i(% on
o*e!ien.e a$ ho%e/ ,e %a' en! (+ +ro!(.in# &i! ,ho #o alon# ,i$h
,ha$ $he'1re $ol! $o !o *' +eo+le o($i!e $he ho%e/ $oo0 A($hor Bar*ara
8oloroo re%ar& $ha$ he1 of$en hear! +aren$ of $eena#er .o%+lain/
"He ,a (.h a #oo! &i!/ o ,ell *eha-e!/ o ,ell %an6nere!/ o ,ell
!ree!0 No, loo& a$ hi%45 To $hi/ he re+lie7
Fro% $he $i%e he ,a 'o(n#/ he !ree! $he ,a' 'o( $ol!
hi% $o !reN he a.$e! $he ,a' 'o( $ol! hi% $o a.$N he ai!
$he $hin# 'o( $ol! hi% $o a'0 He1 *een li$enin# $o
o%e*o!' ele $ell hi% ,ha$ $o !o0 0 0 0 He han1$ .han#e!0
He i $ill li$enin# $o o%e*o!' ele $ell hi% ,ha$ $o !o0 The
+ro*le% i/ i$ in1$ 'o( an'%oreN i$1 hi +eer0
I
O O O
The %ore ,e +on!er o(r lon#6$er% #oal for o(r &i!/ $he %ore .o%6
+li.a$e! $hin# *e.o%e0 An' #oal %i#h$ +ro-e $o *e o*;e.$iona*le if
,e .oni!er i$ in iola$ion7 Fe, 3(ali$ie are o i%+or$an$ $ha$ ,e1! *e
,illin# $o a.rifi.e e-er'$hin# ele $o a.hie-e $he%0 9On $he (*6;e.$ of
ha++ine/ for e2a%+le/ ee +0 CEInA0: Ma'*e i$1 ,ier $o hel+
.hil!ren $ri&e a *alan.e *e$,een o++oin# +air of 3(ali$ie/ o $ha$
$he' #ro, (+ $o *e elf6relian$ but also .arin#/ or .onfi!en$ yet still
,illin# $o a.&no,le!#e $heir li%i$a$ion0 Li&e,ie/ o%e +aren$ %a'
ini$ $ha$ ,ha$ %a$$er %o$ $o $he% i hel+in# $heir .hil!ren $o e$
an! %ee$ $heir o,n #oal0 If $ha$ %a&e ene $o (/ $hen ,e ha-e $o
*e +re+are! for $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ $he'1ll %a&e .hoi.e an! e%*ra.e
-al(e $ha$ aren1$ $he a%e a o(r0
O(r $hin&in# a*o($ lon#6$er% #oal %a' lea! ( in an' n(%*er
of !ire.$ion/ *($ $he +oin$ I ,an$ $o e%+haiMe i $ha$ ho,e-er ,e
8 U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$hin& a*o($ $hoe #oal/ ,e o(#h$ $o $hin& a*o($ $he% a lo$0 The'
o(#h$ $o *e o(r $o(.h$one/ if onl' $o &ee+ ( fro% *ein# (.&e!
in$o $he 3(i.&an! of !ail' life ,i$h i$ .on$an$ $e%+$a$ion $o !o
,ha$e-er i$ $a&e $o #e$ .o%+lian.e0 A $he +aren$ of $,o .hil!ren/ I
a% ,ell a.3(ain$e! ,i$h $he fr($ra$ion an! .hallen#e $ha$ .o%e
,i$h $he ;o*0 There are $i%e ,hen %' *e$ $ra$e#ie fall fla$/
,hen %' +a$ien.e r(n o($/ ,hen I ;($ ,an$ %' &i! $o !o ,ha$ I
$ell $he%0 I$1 har! $o &ee+ $he *i# +i.$(re in %in! ,hen one of %'
.hil!ren i hrie&in# in a re$a(ran$0 For $ha$ %a$$er/ i$1 o%e$i%e
har! $o re%e%*er $he &in! of +eo+le %e ,an$ $o *e ,hen ,e1re in
$he %i!!le of a he.$i. !a'/ or ,hen ,e feel $he +(ll of le no*le
i%+(le0 I$1 har!/ *($ i$1 $ill ,or$h,hile0
So%e +eo+le ra$ionaliMe ,ha$ $he'1re !oin# *' !i%iin# $he %ore
%eanin#f(l #oal)(.h a $r'in# $o *e/ or $o raie one1 .hil! $o *e/ a
#oo! +eron)a "i!eali$i.05 B($ $ha$ ;($ %ean ha-in# i!eal/ ,i$h6o($
,hi.h ,e1re no$ ,or$h a hell of a lo$0 I$ !oen1$ ne.earil' %ean
"i%+ra.$i.al05 In!ee!/ $here are +ra#%a$i. a ,ell a %oral reaon $o
fo.( on lon#6$er% #oal ra$her $han on i%%e!ia$e .o%+lian.e/ $o .on6
i!er ,ha$ o(r .hil!ren nee! ra$her $han ;($ ,ha$ ,e1re !e%an!in#/ an!
$o ee $he ,hole .hil! ra$her $han ;($ $he *eha-ior0
In $hi *oo&/ I1ll *e $al&in# a*o($ ,h' i$ %a&e #oo! ene $o hif$
a,a' fro% $he ((al $ra$e#ie for !oin# $hin# to &i!/ an! $o,ar! ,a'
of ,or&in# %ith $he%0 I$1 $r(e $ha$ +len$' of +eo+le/ a!(l$ a ,ell a
.hil!ren/ are (*;e.$e! $o "!oin# $o5 $a.$i.0 B($ i$ ,on1$ !o $o re+on!/
"Well/ $ha$1 ;($ $he ,a' $he ,orl! i5 ,hen +reen$e! ,i$h a .ae
a#ain$/ a'/ (in# +(nih%en$ an! re,ar! $o #e$ +eo+le $o fall in$o line0
The .ri$i.al 3(e$ion i ,ha$ &in! of +eo+le ,e ,an$ o(r .hil!ren $o *e)
an! $ha$ in.l(!e ,he$her ,e ,an$ $he% $o *e $he &in! ,ho a..e+$ $hin#
a $he' are or $he &in! ,ho $r' $o %a&e $hin# *e$$er0
Thi i (*-eri-e $(ff)li$erall'0 I$ (*-er$ $he .on-en$ional
a!-i.e ,e re.ei-e a*o($ raiin# &i!/ an! i$ .hallen#e a hor$i#h$e!
3(e$ $o #e$ $he% $o ;(%+ $hro(#h o(r hoo+0 For o%e of (/ i$ %a'
.all in$o 3(e$ion %(.h of ,ha$ ,e1-e *een !oin#)an! +erha+ e-en
,ha$ ,a !one $o ( ,hen ,e ,ere 'o(n#0
I N T R O D U 8 T I O N I
The (*;e.$ of $hi *oo& i no$ %erel' !i.i+line *($/ %ore *roa!l'/
$he ,a' ,e a.$ ,i$h o(r .hil!ren/ a ,ell a ho, ,e $hin& a*o($ $he%
an! feel a*o($ $he%0 I$ +(r+oe i $o hel+ re.onne.$ 'o( ,i$h 'o(r
o,n *e$ in$in.$ an! $o reaffir% ,ha$ reall' %a$$er)af$er $he +a;a6
%a are on/ af$er $he ho%e,or& i !one/ af$er $he i*lin# 3(a**le
ha-e finall' *een 3(ie$e!0 I$ a& 'o( $o re.oni!er 'o(r *ai.
a(%+6$ion a*o($ +aren$6.hil! rela$ionhi+0
Mo$ i%+or$an$/ i$ offer +ra.$i.al al$erna$i-e $o $he $a.$i.
,e1re o%e$i%e $e%+$e! $o (e $o %a&e o(r &i! *eha-e/ or $o
+(h $he% $o (..ee!0 I *elie-e $hee al$erna$i-e ha-e a
reaona*le .han.e of hel+in# o(r &i! $o #ro, (+ a #oo! +eo+le
)good, $ha$ i/ in $he f(lle$ ene of $ha$ ,or!0
A
8ONDITIONAL PARENTING
I
ha-e o%e$i%e !eri-e! .o%for$ fro% $he i!ea $ha$/ !e+i$e all $he
%i$a&e I1-e %a!e 9an! ,ill .on$in(e $o %a&e: a a +aren$/ %' .hil6!ren
,ill $(rn o($ ;($ fine for $he i%+le reaon $ha$ I reall' lo-e $he%0 Af$er all/
lo-e heal all ,o(n!0 All 'o( nee! i lo-e0 Lo-e %ean ne-er ha-in# $o
a' 'o(1re orr' a*o($ ho, 'o( lo$ 'o(r $e%+er $hi %orn6
in# in $he &i$.hen0
Thi rea(rin# no$ion i *ae! on $he i!ea $ha$ $here e2i$ a
$hin# .alle! Paren$al Lo-e/ a in#le (*$an.e $ha$ 'o( .an (++l'
$o 'o(r .hil!ren in #rea$er or leer 3(an$i$ie0 9Grea$er/ of .o(re/
i *e$$er0: B($ ,ha$ if $hi a(%+$ion $(rn o($ $o *e fa$all'
i%+li$i.@ Wha$ if $here a.$(all' are !ifferen$ ,a' of lo-in# a
.hil!/ an! no$ all of $he% are e3(all' !eira*le@ The +'.hoanal'$
Ali.e Miller on.e o*er-e! $ha$ i$1 +oi*le $o lo-e a .hil!
"+aiona$el')*($ no$ in $he ,a' he nee! $o *e lo-e!05 If he1
ri#h$/ $he rele-an$ 3(e$ion in1$ ;($ ,he$her)or e-en ho, %(.h)
,e lo-e o(r &i!0 I$ alo %a$$er ho% ,e lo-e $he%0
On.e $ha$1 (n!er$oo!/ ,e .o(l! +re$$' 3(i.&l' .o%e (+ ,i$h a
lon# li$ of !ifferen$ $'+e of +aren$al lo-e/ alon# ,i$h (##e$ion
a*o($ ,hi.h are *e$$er0 Thi *oo& loo& a$ one (.h !i$in.$ion)
na%el'/ *e$,een lo-in# &i! for %hat they do an! lo-in# $he% for %ho
they are. The fir$ or$ of lo-e i .on!i$ional/ ,hi.h %ean .hil!ren
8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
%($ earn i$ *' a.$in# in ,a' ,e !ee% a++ro+ria$e/ or *' +erfor%6
in# (+ $o o(r $an!ar!0 The e.on! or$ of lo-e i un.on!i$ional7 I$
!oen1$ hin#e on ho, $he' a.$/ ,he$her $he'1re (..ef(l or ,ell
*eha-e! or an'$hin# ele0
I ,an$ $o !efen! $he i!ea of (n.on!i$ional +aren$in# on $he *ai of
*o$h a -al(e ;(!#%en$ an! a +re!i.$ion0 The -al(e ;(!#%en$ i/ -er'
i%+l'/ $ha$ .hil!ren ho(l!n1$ ha-e $o earn o(r a++ro-al0 We o(#h$ $o
lo-e $he%/ a %' frien! De*orah a'/ "for no #oo! reaon05 F(r6
$her%ore/ ,ha$ .o(n$ i no$ ;($ $ha$ ,e *elie-e ,e lo-e $he% (n.on6
!i$ionall'/ *($ $ha$ they )eel lo-e! in $ha$ ,a'0
The +re!i.$ion/ %ean,hile/ i $ha$ lo-in# .hil!ren (n.on!i$ionall'
,ill ha-e a +oi$i-e effe.$0 I$1 no$ onl' $he ri#h$ $hin# $o !o/ %orall'
+ea&in#/ *($ alo a %ar$ $hin# $o !o0 8hil!ren nee! $o *e lo-e! a
$he' are/ an! for ,ho $he' are0 When $ha$ ha++en/ $he' .an a..e+$
$he%el-e a f(n!a%en$all' #oo! +eo+le/ e-en ,hen $he' .re, (+
or fall hor$0 An! ,i$h $hi *ai. nee! %e$/ $he'1re alo freer $o a..e+$
9an! hel+: o$her +eo+le0 Un.on!i$ional lo-e/ in hor$/ i ,ha$ .hil!ren
re3(ire in or!er $o flo(rih0
Ne-er$hele/ ,e +aren$ are of$en +(lle! in $he !ire.$ion of +la.6
in# .on!i$ion on o(r a++ro-al0 We1re le! $o !o o no$ onl' *' ,ha$ ,e
,ere raie! $o *elie-e/ *($ alo *' $he ,a' ,e ,ere raie!0 Yo( %i#h$
a' ,e1re .on!i$ione! $o *e .on!i$ional0 The roo$ of $hi en6i*ili$'
ha-e .re+$ !ee+ in$o $he oil of A%eri.an .on.io(ne0 In fa.$/
un.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e ee% $o *e rare e-en a an i!eal7 An In$er6
ne$ ear.h for -arian$ of $he ,or! unconditional %o$l' $(rn (+ !i6
.(ion a*o($ reli#ion or +e$0 A++aren$l'/ i$1 har! for %an' +eo+le
$o i%a#ine lo-e a%on# h(%an ,i$ho($ $rin# a$$a.he!0
For a .hil!/ o%e of $hoe $rin# ha-e $o !o ,i$h good behavior
an! o%e ha-e $o !o ,i$h achieve-ent. Thi .ha+$er an! $he follo,6
in# $hree ,ill e2+lore $he *eha-ioral i(e/ an! in +ar$i.(lar $he ,a'
%an' +o+(lar !i.i+line $ra$e#ie .a(e .hil!ren $o feel $he'1re
a..e+$e! onl' ,hen $he' a.$ $he ,a' ,e !e%an!0 8ha+$er G ,ill $hen
.oni!er ho, o%e .hil!ren .on.l(!e $ha$ $heir +aren$1 lo-e !e+en!
on $heir +erfor%an.e)for e2a%+le/ a$ .hool or in +or$0
AC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
In $he e.on! half of $he *oo&/ I1ll offer .on.re$e (##e$ion for
ho, ,e .an %o-e *e'on! $hi a++roa.h an! offer o%e$hin#
.loer $o $he &in! of lo-e o(r &i! nee!0 B($ fir$/ I1! li&e $o e2a%ine
$he *roa!er i!ea of .on!i$ional +aren$in#7 ,ha$ a(%+$ion
(n!erlie i$ 9an! !i6$in#(ih i$ fro% $he (n.on!i$ional &in!:/ an!
,ha$ effe.$ i$ a.$(all' ha on .hil!ren0
T%o Ways to ,aise ids+ Underlying !ssu-ptions
M' !a(#h$er/ A*i#ail/ ,en$ $hro(#h a $o(#h $i%e a fe, %on$h af$er
her fo(r$h *ir$h!a'/ ,hi.h %a' ha-e *een rela$e! $o $he arri-al of a
ri-al0 She *e.a%e %ore rei$an$ $o re3(e$/ %ore li&el' $o o(n!
na$'/ .rea%/ $a%+ her fee$0 Or!inar' ri$(al an! $rani$ion 3(i.&l'
e.ala$e! in$o a *a$$le of ,ill0 One e-enin#/ I re%e%*er/ he
+ro%ie! $o #e$ ri#h$ in$o $he *a$h af$er !inner0 She faile! $o !o o)
an! $hen/ ,hen re%in!e! of $ha$ +ro%ie/ he hrie&e! lo(!l' eno(#h
$o ,a&e her *a*' *ro$her0 When a&e! $o *e 3(ie$er/ he 'elle! a#ain0
So here1 $he 3(e$ion7 On.e $hin# .al%e! !o,n/ ho(l! %' ,ife
an! I ha-e +ro.ee!e! ,i$h $he nor%al e-enin# ro($ine of n(##lin#
,i$h her an! rea!in# a $or' $o#e$her@ The .on!i$ional a++roa.h $o
+aren$in# a' no7 We ,o(l! *e re,ar!in# her (na..e+$a*le *eha-6
ior if ,e follo,e! i$ ,i$h $he ((al +leaan$ a.$i-i$ie0 Thoe a.$i-i6$ie
ho(l! *e (+en!e!/ an! he ho(l! *e infor%e!/ #en$l' *($ fir%l'/
,h' $ha$ ".one3(en.e5 ,a *ein# i%+oe!0
Thi .o(re of a.$ion feel rea(rin#l' fa%iliar $o %o$ of (
an! .oni$en$ ,i$h ,ha$ a lo$ of +aren$in# *oo& a!-ie0 Wha$1
%ore/ I ha-e $o a!%i$ $ha$ i$ ,o(l! ha-e *een a$if'in# on o%e
le-el for %e $o la' !o,n $he la, *e.a(e I ,a erio(l' anno'e!
*' A*i#ail1 !efi6an.e0 I$ ,o(l! ha-e offere! %e $he ene $ha$ I/
$he +aren$/ ,a +($6$in# %' foo$ !o,n/ le$$in# her &no, he ,an1$
allo,e! $o a.$ li&e $ha$0 I1! *e *a.& in .on$rol0
The (n.on!i$ional a++roa.h/ ho,e-er/ a' $hi i a $e%+$a$ion $o
*e rei$e!/ an! $ha$ ,e ho(l! in!ee! n(##le an! rea! a $or' a
8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
((al0 B($ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean ,e o(#h$ $o ;($ i#nore ,ha$
ha++ene!0 Un.on!i$ional +aren$in# in1$ a fan.' $er% for le$$in#
&i! !o ,ha$6e-er $he' ,an$0 I$1 -er' i%+or$an$ 9on.e $he $or%
ha +ae!: $o $ea.h/ $o refle.$ $o#e$her),hi.h i e2a.$l' ,ha$ ,e
!i! ,i$h o(r !a(#h$er af$er ,e rea! her a $or'0 Wha$e-er leon
,e ho+e! $o i%+ar$ ,a far %ore li&el' $o *e learne! if he &ne,
$ha$ o(r lo-e for her ,a (n!i%%e! *' ho, he ha! a.$e!0
Whe$her ,e1-e $ho(#h$ a*o($ $he% or no$/ ea.h of $hee $,o $'le
of +aren$in# re$ on a !i$in.$i-e e$ of *elief a*o($ +'.holo#'/
a*o($ .hil!ren/ e-en a*o($ h(%an na$(re0 To *e#in ,i$h/ $he .on!i6
$ional a++roa.h i .loel' rela$e! $o a .hool of $ho(#h$ &no,n a
*eha-iori%/ ,hi.h i .o%%onl' ao.ia$e! ,i$h $he la$e B0 F0 S&in6
ner0 I$ %o$ $ri&in# .hara.$eri$i./ a $he na%e (##e$/ i i$ e2.l(6
i-e fo.( on *eha-ior0 All $ha$ %a$$er a*o($ +eo+le/ in $hi -ie,/ i
,ha$ 'o( .an ee an! %ea(re0 Yo( .an1$ ee a !eire or a fear/ o
'o( %i#h$ a ,ell ;($ .on.en$ra$e on ,ha$ +eo+le do.
F(r$her%ore/ all *eha-ior are *elie-e! $o $ar$ an! $o+/ ,a2 an!
,ane/ olel' on $he *ai of ,he$her $he' are "reinfor.e!05 Beha-ior6i$
a(%e $ha$ e-er'$hin# ,e !o .an *e e2+laine! in $er% of ,he$her i$
+ro!(.e o%e &in! of re,ar!/ ei$her one $ha$1 !eli*era$el' offere! or
one $ha$ o..(r na$(rall'0 If a .hil! i affe.$iona$e ,i$h hi +aren$/ or
hare hi !eer$ ,i$h a frien!/ i$1 ai! $o *e +(rel' *e.a(e $hi ha le!
$o +lea(ra*le re+one in $he +a$0
In hor$7 E2$ernal for.e/ (.h a ,ha$ o%eone ha +re-io(l'
*een re,ar!e! 9or +(nihe!: for !oin#/ a..o(n$ for ho, ,e a.$)
an! ho, ,e a.$ i $he (% $o$al of ,ho ,e are0 E-en +eo+le ,ho
ha-e ne-er rea! an' of S&inner1 *oo& ee% $o ha-e a..e+$e!
hi a(%+6$ion0 When +aren$ an! $ea.her .on$an$l' $al&
a*o($ a .hil!1 "*eha-ior/5 $he'1re a.$in# a $ho(#h no$hin# %a$$er
e2.e+$ $he $(ff on $he (rfa.e0 I$1 no$ a 3(e$ion of ,ho &i! are/
,ha$ $he' $hin& or feel or nee!0 For#e$ %o$i-e an! -al(e7 The
i!ea i ;($ $o .han#e ,ha$ $he' !o0 Thi/ of .o(re/ i an in-i$a$ion
$o rel' on !i.i+line $e.hni3(e ,hoe onl' +(r+oe i $o %a&e &i!
a.$)or $o+ a.$in#)in a +ar$i.6(lar ,a'0
AD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
A %ore +e.ifi. e2a%+le of e-er'!a' *eha-iori%7 Perha+
'o(1-e %e$ +aren$ ,ho for.e $heir .hil!ren $o a+olo#iMe af$er
!oin# o%e6$hin# h(r$f(l or %ean0 9"8an 'o( a' 'o(1re orr'@5:
No,/ ,ha$1 #oin# on here@ Do $he +aren$ a(%e $ha$ %a&in#
.hil!ren +ea& $hi en$en.e ,ill %a#i.all' +ro!(.e in $he% $he
feelin# of being orr'/ !e+i$e all e-i!en.e $o $he .on$rar'@ Or/
,ore/ !o $he' no$ e-en .are ,he$her $he .hil! reall' i orr'/
*e.a(e in.eri$' i irrele-an$ an! all $ha$ %a$$er i $he a.$ of
($$erin# $he a++ro+ria$e ,or!@ 8o%+(lor' a+olo#ie %o$l' $rain
.hil!ren $o a' $hin# $he' !on1$ %ean)$ha$ i/ $o lie0
B($ $hi i no$ ;($ an iola$e! +aren$al +ra.$i.e $ha$ o(#h$ $o *e
re.oni!ere!0 I$1 one of %an' +oi*le e2a%+le of ho, S&innerian
$hin&in#).arin# onl' a*o($ *eha-ior)ha narro,e! o(r (n!er6
$an!in# of .hil!ren an! ,ar+e! $he ,a' ,e !eal ,i$h $he%0 We ee i$
alo in +ro#ra% $ha$ are in$en!e! $o $rain li$$le &i! $o #o $o lee+ on
$heir o,n or $o $ar$ (in# $he +o$$'0 Fro% $he +er+e.$i-e of $hee
+ro#ra%/ %hy a .hil! %a' *e o**in# in $he !ar& i irrele-an$0 I$
.o(l! *e $error or *ore!o% or loneline or h(n#er or o%e o$her rea6
on0 Si%ilarl'/ i$ !oen1$ %a$$er ,ha$ reaon a $o!!ler %a' ha-e for
no$ ,an$in# $o +ee in $he $oile$ ,hen hi +aren$ a& hi% $o !o o0
E2+er$ ,ho offer $e+6*'6$e+ re.i+e for "$ea.hin#5 .hil!ren $o lee+
in a roo% *' $he%el-e/ or ,ho (r#e ( $o offer #ol! $ar/ MPM/ or
+raie for $in&lin# in $he $oile$/ are .on.erne! no$ ,i$h $he $ho(#h$ an!
feelin# an! in$en$ion $ha$ #i-e rie $o a *eha-ior/ onl' ,i$h $he
*eha-ior i$elf0 9While I ha-en1$ !one $he a.$(al .o(n$in# $ha$ ,o(l! *e
ne.ear' $o $e$ $hi/ I ,o(l! $en$a$i-el' +ro+oe $he follo,in# r(le of
$h(%*7 The -al(e of a +aren$in# *oo& i in-erel' +ro+or$ional $o $he
n(%*er of $i%e i$ .on$ain $he ,or! behavior0:
Le$1 .o%e *a.& $o A*i#ail0 8on!i$ional +aren$in# a(%e $ha$
rea!in# her a *oo& an! o$her,ie e2+rein# o(r .on$in(e! lo-e
for her ,ill onl' en.o(ra#e her $o $hro, ano$her fi$0 She ,ill ha-e
learne! $ha$ i$1 o&a' $o ,a&e $he *a*' an! ref(e $o #e$ in $he *a$h
*e.a(e he ,ill in$er+re$ o(r affe.$ion a reinfor.e%en$ for
,ha$e-er he ha! ;($ *een !oin#0
8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
Un.on!i$ional +aren$in# loo& a$ $hi i$(a$ion)an!/ in!ee!/ a$
h(%an *ein#)-er' !ifferen$l'0 For $ar$er/ i$ a& ( $o .oni!er
$ha$ $he reaon for ,ha$ A*i#ail ha !one %a' *e %ore "ini!e5 $han
"o($i!e05 Her a.$ion .an1$ ne.earil' *e e2+laine!/ in %e.hani.al
fahion/ *' loo&in# a$ e2$ernal for.e li&e +oi$i-e re+one $o her
+re-io( *eha-ior0 Perha+ he i o-er,hel%e! *' fear $ha$ he
.an1$ na%e/ or *' fr($ra$ion $ha$ he !oen1$ &no, ho, $o e2+re0
Un.on!i$ional +aren$in# a(%e $ha$ *eha-ior are ;($ $he o($6
,ar! e2+reion of feelin# an! $ho(#h$/ nee! an! in$en$ion0 In a
n($hell/ it0s the child %ho engages in a behavior, not ;ust the behav-
ior itsel), that -atters. 8hil!ren are no$ +e$ $o *e $raine!/ nor are $he'
.o%+($er/ +ro#ra%%e! $o re+on! +re!i.$a*l' $o an in+($0 The' a.$
$hi ,a' ra$her $han $ha$ ,a' for %an' !ifferen$ reaon/ o%e of
,hi.h %a' *e har! $o $eae a+ar$0 B($ ,e .an1$ ;($ i#nore $hoe rea6
on an! re+on! onl' $o $he effe.$ 9$ha$ i/ $he *eha-ior:0 In!ee!/
ea.h of $hoe reaon +ro*a*l' .all for a .o%+le$el' !ifferen$ .o(re
of a.$ion0 If/ for e2a%+le/ i$ $(rne! o($ $ha$ A*i#ail ,a reall' *ein#
!efian$ *e.a(e he1 ,orrie! a*o($ $he i%+li.a$ion of o(r +a'in# o
%(.h a$$en$ion $o her *a*' *ro$her/ $hen ,e1re #oin# $o ha-e !eal ,i$h
$ha$/ no$ %erel' $r' $o $a%+ o($ $he ,a' he1 e2+rein# her fear0
Alon#i!e o(r effor$ $o (n!er$an! an! a!!re +e.ifi.
reaon for +e.ifi. a.$ion/ $here i one o-erri!in# i%+era$i-e7
She nee! $o &no, ,e lo-e her/ .o%e ,ha$ %a'0 In fa.$/ i$1
especially i%+or$an$ $oni#h$ for her $o *e a*le $o n(##le ,i$h (/ $o
ee fro% o(r a.$ion $ha$ o(r lo-e for her i (nha&a*le0 Tha$1
,ha$ ,ill hel+ her #e$ $hro(#h $hi *a! +a$.h0
In an' .ae/ i%+oin# ,ha$ a%o(n$ $o a +(nih%en$ in1$ li&el' $o
*e .on$r(.$i-e0 I$ +ro*a*l' ,ill $ar$ her .r'in# all o-er a#ain0 An!
e-en if i$ !i! (..ee! in h($$in# her (+ $e%+oraril')or in +re-en$in#
her fro% e2+rein# ,ha$e-er he1 feelin# $o%orro, ni#h$ for fear of
%a&in# ( +(ll a,a' fro% her)i$ o-erall i%+a.$ i (nli&el' $o *e
+oi$i-e0 Thi i $r(e/ fir$/ *e.a(e i$ !oen1$ a!!re ,ha$1 #oin# on
in her hea!/ an!/ e.on!/ *e.a(e ,ha$ ,e ee a $ea.hin# her a le6
on ,ill li&el' a++ear $o her a $ho(#h ,e1re ,i$hhol!in# o(r lo-e0
AF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
In a #eneral ene/ $hi ,ill %a&e her %ore (nha++'/ +erha+
.a(e her $o feel alone an! (n(++or$e!0 In a +e.ifi. ene/ i$ ,ill
$ea.h her $ha$ he i lo-e!)an! lo-a*le)onl' ,hen he a.$ $he
,a' ,e ,an$0 The a-aila*le reear.h/ ,hi.h I1ll re-ie, hor$l'/
$ron#l' (##e$ $ha$ $hi ,ill ;($ %a&e $hin# ,ore0
A I1-e $ho(#h$ a*o($ $hee i(e o-er $he 'ear/ I1-e .o%e $o
*elie-e $ha$ .on!i$ional +aren$in# .an1$ *e .o%+le$el' e2+laine! *'
*eha-ior6i%0 So%e$hin# ele i #oin# on here0 On.e a#ain/ i%a#ine
$he i$(a6$ion7 A .hil! i 'ellin#/ o*-io(l' (+e$/ an! ,hen he 3(ie$
!o,n her !a!!' lie in *e! ,i$h hi ar% aro(n! her an! rea! her a
4rog and Toad $or'0 In re+one/ $he +ro+onen$ of .on!i$ional
+aren$in# e2.lai%/ "No/ no/ no/ 'o(1re ;($ reinfor.in# her *a!
*eha-ior4 Yo(1re $ea.hin# her $ha$ i$1 all ri#h$ $o *e na(#h$'45
Thi in$er+re$a$ion !oen1$ %erel' refle.$ an a(%+$ion a*o($
,ha$ &i! learn in a #i-en i$(a$ion/ or e-en ho% $he' learn0 I$
refle.$ an a,f(ll' o(r -ie, of .hil!ren)an!/ *' e2$enion/ of
h(%an na$(re0 I$ a(%e $ha$/ #i-en half a .han.e/ &i! ,ill $a&e
a!-an$a#e of (0 Gi-e 1e% an in.h/ $he'1ll $a&e a %ile0 The' ,ill
!ra, $he ,or$ +oi6*le leon fro% an a%*i#(o( i$(a$ion 9no$
"I1% lo-e! an',a'5 *($ "Ya'4 I$1 o&a' $o %a&e $ro(*le45:0
A..e+$an.e ,i$ho($ $rin# a$$a.he! ,ill ;($ *e in$er+re$e! a
+er%iion $o a.$ in a ,a' $ha$1 elfih/ !e%an!in#/ #ree!'/ or
in.oni!era$e0 A$ lea$ in +ar$/ $hen/ .on6!i$ional +aren$in# i *ae!
on $he !ee+l' .'ni.al *elief $ha$ a..e+$in# &i! for ,ho $he' are
;($ free $he% $o *e *a! *e.a(e/ ,ell/ $ha$1 ,ho $he' are0
A
B' .on$ra$/ $he (n.on!i$ional a++roa.h $o +aren$in# *e#in ,i$h $he
re%in!er $ha$ A*i#ail1 #oal i no$ $o %a&e %e %iera*le0 She1 no$ *ein#
%ali.io(0 She1 $ellin# %e in $he onl' ,a' he &no, ho, $ha$ o%e$hin#
i ,ron#0 I$ %a' *e o%e$hin# $ha$ ;($ ha++ene!/ or i$ %a' re-eal
(n!er.(rren$ $ha$ ha-e *een $here for a ,hile0 Thi a++roa.h offer a
-o$e of .onfi!en.e in .hil!ren/ a .hallen#e $o $he a(%+$ion $ha$ $he'1ll
!eri-e $he ,ron# leon fro% affe.$ion/ or $ha$ $he'1!
8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
al,a' %ant $o a.$ *a!l' if $he' $ho(#h$ $he' .o(l! #e$ a,a' ,i$h i$0
S(.h a +er+e.$i-e i no$ ro%an$i. or (nreali$i./ a !enial of $he fa.$
$ha$ &i! 9an! a!(l$: o%e$i%e !o ro$$en $hin#0 Ki! nee! $o *e
#(i!e! an! hel+e!/ 'e/ *($ $he'1re no$ li$$le %on$er ,ho %($ *e
$a%e! or *ro(#h$ $o heel0 The' ha-e $he .a+a.i$' $o *e .o%+aion6
a$e or a##rei-e/ al$r(i$i. or elfih/ .oo+era$i-e or .o%+e$i$i-e0 A
#rea$ !eal !e+en! on ho, $he'1re raie!)in.l(!in#/ a%on# o$her
$hin#/ ,he$her $he' feel lo-e! (n.on!i$ionall'0 An! ,hen 'o(n# .hil6
!ren +i$.h a fi$/ or ref(e $o #e$ in $he $(* a $he' ai! $he' ,o(l!/ $hi
.an of$en *e (n!er$oo! in $er% of $heir a#e)$ha$ i/ $heir ina*ili$' $o
(n!er$an! $he o(r.e of $heir (neae/ $o e2+re $heir feelin# in
%ore a++ro+ria$e ,a'/ $o re%e%*er an! &ee+ $heir +ro%ie0 In
i%+or$an$ ,a'/ $hen/ $he .hoi.e *e$,een .on!i$ional an! (n.on!i6
$ional +aren$in# i a .hoi.e *e$,een ra!i.all' !ifferen$ -ie, of h(%an
na$(re0
B($ $here1 one %ore e$ of a(%+$ion $ha$ ,e ho(l! la' *are0 In
o(r o.ie$'/ ,e are $a(#h$ $ha$ #oo! $hin# %($ al,a' *e earne!/ ne-er
#i-en a,a'0 In!ee!/ %an' +eo+le *e.o%e inf(ria$e! a$ $he +o6i*ili$'
$ha$ $hi +re.e+$ ha *een -iola$e!0 No$i.e/ for e2a%+le/ $he ho$ili$' %an'
+eo+le feel $o,ar! ,elfare an! $hoe ,ho rel' on i$0 Or $he ra%+an$ (e
of +a'6for6+erfor%an.e .he%e in $he ,or&+la.e0 Or $he n(%*er of
$ea.her ,ho !efine an'$hin# en;o'a*le 9li&e re.e: a a $rea$/ a &in! of
+a'%en$ for li-in# (+ $o $he $ea.her1 e2+e.$a$ion0
Ul$i%a$el'/ .on!i$ional +aren$in# refle.$ a $en!en.' $o ee al%o$
e-er' h(%an in$era.$ion/ e-en a%on# fa%il' %e%*er/ a a &in! of e.o6
no%i. transa.$ion0 The la, of $he %ar&e$+la.e)(++l' an! !e%an!/ $i$
for $a$)ha-e a(%e! $he $a$( of (ni-eral an! a*ol($e +rin.i6+le/ a
$ho(#h e-er'$hin# in o(r li-e/ in.l(!in# ,ha$ ,e !o ,i$h o(r .hil!ren/ i
analo#o( $o *('in# a .ar or ren$in# an a+ar$%en$0
One +aren$in# a($hor)a *eha-iori$/ no$ .oin.i!en$all')+($ i$ $hi
,a'7 "If I ,ih $o $a&e %' .hil! for a ri!e or e-en if I ,ih $o h(# an! &i
her/ I %($ fir$ *e .er$ain $ha$ he ha earne! i$05
C
Before 'o( !i%i $hi
a $he -ie, of a lone e2$re%i$/ .oni!er $ha$ $he e%inen$ +'.holo#i$
Diana Ba(%rin! 9ee ++0 ABDQG: %a!e a i%ilar ar#(%en$
AJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
a#ain$ (n.on!i$ional +aren$in#/ !e.larin# $ha$ "$he r(le of re.i+ro.6i$'/
of +a'in# for -al(e re.ei-e!/ i a la, of life $ha$ a++lie $o ( all05
E
E-en %an' ,ri$er an! $hera+i$ ,ho !on1$ a!!re $he i(e
e2+li.i$l' ne-er$hele ee% $o rel' on o%e or$ of e.ono%i. %o!el0
If ,e rea! *e$,een $he line/ $heir a!-i.e a++ear $o *e *ae! on $he
*elief $ha$ ,hen .hil!ren !on1$ a.$ $he ,a' ,e ,an$/ $he $hin# $he'
li&e o(#h$ $o *e ,i$hhel! fro% $he%0 Af$er all/ +eo+le ho(l!n1$ #e$
o%e$hin# for no$hin#0 No$ e-en ha++ine0 Or lo-e0
Ho, %an' $i%e ha-e 'o( hear! i$ ai!)e%+ha$i.all'/ !efian$l'
) $ha$ o%e$hin# or o$her i "a +ri-ile#e/ no$ a ri#h$5@ So%e$i%e I
fan6$aiMe a*o($ .on!(.$in# a reear.h $(!' $o !e$er%ine ,ha$
+eronali$' .hara.$eri$i. are #enerall' fo(n! in +eo+le ,ho $a&e
$hi $an.e0 I%a#ine o%eone ,ho ini$ $ha$ e-er'$hin# fro% i.e
.rea% $o a$$en6$ion ho(l! *e %a!e .on!i$ional on ho, .hil!ren
a.$/ $ha$ $hee $hin# ho(l! ne-er i%+l' *e #i-en a,a'0 8an 'o(
+i.$(re $hi +eron@ Wha$ fa.ial e2+reion !o 'o( ee@ Ho,
ha++' i $hi +eron@ Doe he or he reall' en;o' *ein# ,i$h
.hil!ren@ Wo(l! 'o( ,an$ $hi +eron a a frien!@
Alo/ ,hen I hear $he "+ri-ile#e/ no$ a ri#h$5 line/ I al,a' fin!
%'elf ,on!erin# ,ha$ $he +ea&er %ould re#ar! a a ri#h$0 I $here
an'$hin# $o ,hi.h h(%an *ein# are i%+l' en$i$le!@ Are $here no
rela6$ionhi+ ,e ,o(l! ,an$ $o e2e%+$ fro% e.ono%i. la,@ I$1 $r(e
$ha$ a!(l$ e2+e.$ $o *e .o%+ena$e! for $heir ,or&/ ;($ a $he'
e2+e.$ $o +a' for foo! an! o$her $hin#0 B($ $he 3(e$ion i ,he$her/ or
(n!er ,ha$ .ir.(%$an.e/ a i%ilar "r(le of re.i+ro.i$'5 a++lie $o o(r
!eal6in# ,i$h frien! an! fa%il'0 So.ial +'.holo#i$ ha-e no$i.e!
$ha$ $here are in!ee! o%e +eo+le ,i$h ,ho% ,e ha-e ,ha$ %i#h$ *e
.alle! an e2.han#e rela$ionhi+7 I !o o%e$hin# for 'o( onl' if 'o( !o
o%e6$hin# for %e 9or #i-e o%e$hin# $o %e:0 B($ $he' 3(i.&l' a!! $ha$
$hi i no$ $r(e/ nor ,o(l! ,e ,an$ i$ $o *e $r(e/ of all o(r rela$ionhi+/
o%e of ,hi.h are *ae! on .arin# ra$her $han on re.i+ro.i$'0 In fa.$/
one $(!' fo(n! $ha$ +eo+le ,ho ee $heir rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $heir
+o(e in $er% of e2.han#e/ $a&in# .are $o #e$ a %(.h a $he'
#i-e/ $en! $o ha-e %arria#e $ha$ are le a$if'in#0
D
8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
When o(r &i! #ro, (+/ $here ,ill *e +len$' of o..aion for
$he% $o $a&e $heir +la.e a e.ono%i. a.$or/ a .on(%er an!
,or&er/ ,here elf6in$ere$ r(le an! $he $er% of ea.h e2.han#e
.an *e +re6.iel' .al.(la$e!0 B($ (n.on!i$ional +aren$in# ini$
$ha$ $he fa%il' o(#h$ $o *e a ha-en/ a ref(#e/ fro% (.h
$rana.$ion0 In +ar$i.(lar/ lo-e fro% one1 +aren$ !oe no$ ha-e $o
*e +ai! for in an' ene0 I$ i +(rel' an! i%+l' a #if$0 I$ i
o%e$hin# $o ,hi.h all .hil!ren are en$i$le!0
If $ha$ %a&e ene $o 'o(/ an! if an' of $he o$her (n!erl'in#
a(%+$ion of (n.on!i$ional +aren$in# rin# $r(e a ,ell)$ha$ ,e
o(#h$ $o *e loo&in# a$ $he ,hole .hil!/ no$ ;($ a$ *eha-iorN $ha$
,e ho(l!n1$ a(%e $he ,or$ a*o($ .hil!ren1 in.lina$ionN an! o
on) $hen ,e nee! $o .all in$o 3(e$ion all $he .on-en$ional
!i.i+line $e.h6ni3(e $ha$ are *ae! on $he o++oi$e of $hee
a(%+$ion0 Thoe +ra.$i.e $ha$ !efine .on!i$ional +aren$in#
$en! $o *e ,a' of !oin# $hin# to .hil!ren $o +ro!(.e o*e!ien.e0
B' .on$ra$/ $he (##e$ion offere! in $he la$$er half of $hi *oo&/
,hi.h flo, na$(rall' fro% $he i!ea of (n.on!i$ional +aren$in#/ are
-aria$ion on $he $he%e of ,or&6in# %ith .hil!ren $o hel+ $he% #ro,
in$o !e.en$ +eo+le an! #oo! !e.iion6%a&er0
Th(/ ,e %i#h$ (%%ariMe $he !ifferen.e *e$,een $hee $,o
a++roa.he a follo,7
UN8ONDITIONAL 8ONDITIONAL
Focus Whole .hil! 9in.l(!in# Beha-ior
reaon/ $ho(#h$/ feelin#:
View of
Human Nature Poi$i-e or *alan.e! Ne#a$i-e
View of
Parental Love A #if$ A +ri-ile#e $o *e earne!
Strategies "Wor&in# ,i$h5 "Doin# $o5
9Pro*le% ol-in#: 98on$rol -ia re,ar! an!
+(nih%en$:
CB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
The E))ects o) Conditional Parenting
<($ a i$1 +oi*le for o(r +ra.$i.e $o *e a$ o!! ,i$h $he lon#6$er% #oal
,e hol! for o(r .hil!ren 9ee In$ro!(.$ion:/ o $here %i#h$ *e an in.on6
i$en.' *e$,een $he %e$ho! ao.ia$e! ,i$h .on!i$ional +aren$in# an! o(r
%o$ *ai. *elief0 In *o$h in$an.e/ i$ %a' %a&e ene $o re.oni!er ,ha$
,e1re !oin# ,i$h o(r &i!0 B($ $he .ae a#ain$ .on!i$ional +aren$6in# !oen1$
en! ,i$h i$ .onne.$ion $o -al(e an! a(%+$ion $ha$ %an' of ( ,ill fin!
$ro(*lin#0 Tha$ .ae *e.o%e e-en $ron#er on.e ,e in-e6$i#a$e $he real6
,orl! effe.$ (.h +aren$in# ha on .hil!ren0
Nearl' half a .en$(r' a#o/ $he +ioneerin# +'.holo#i$ 8arl Ro#er
offere! an an,er $o $he 3(e$ion "Wha$ ha++en ,hen a +aren$1
lo-e !e+en! on ,ha$ .hil!ren !o@5 He e2+laine! $ha$ $hoe on $he
re.ei-6in# en! of (.h lo-e .o%e $o !io,n $he +ar$ of $he%el-e
$ha$ aren1$ -al(e!0 E-en$(all' $he' re#ar! $he%el-e a ,or$h' onl'
,hen $he' a.$ 9or $hin& or feel: in +e.ifi. ,a'0
G
Thi i *ai.all' a
re.i+e for ne(6roi)or ,ore0 A +(*li.a$ion *' $he Irih De+ar$%en$
of Heal$h an! 8hil!ren 9,hi.h ha *een .ir.(la$e! an! a!o+$e! *'
o$her or#aniMa6$ion all o-er $he ,orl!: offer $en e2a%+le $o ill($ra$e
$he .on.e+$ of "e%o$ional a*(e05 N(%*er $,o on $he li$/ ri#h$ af$er
"+eri$en$ .ri$i.i%/ ar.a%/ ho$ili$'/ or *la%in#/5 i ".on!i$ional
+aren$in#/ in ,hi.h $he le-el of .are ho,n $o a .hil! i %a!e
.on$in#en$ on hi or her *eha-io(r or a.$ion05
F
Mo$ +aren$/ if a&e!/ ,o(l! ini$ $ha$ of course $he' lo-e $heir
.hil!ren (n.on!i$ionall'/ an! $ha$ $hi i $r(e !e+i$e $heir (e of $he
$ra$e#ie $ha$ I 9an! o$her ,ri$er: ha-e i!en$ifie! a +ro*le%a$i.0
So%e +aren$ %i#h$ e-en a' $ha$ $he' !i.i+line $heir .hil!ren in $hi
,a' because $he' lo-e $he%0 B($ I ,an$ $o re$(rn $o an o*er-a$ion
$ha$ o far I1-e %a!e onl' in +ain#0 $o% %e )eel about our kids isn0t
as i-portant as ho% they experience those )eelings and ho% they
regard the %ay %e treat the-. E!(.a$or re%in! ( $ha$ ,ha$ .o(n$
in a .laroo% i no$ ,ha$ $he $ea.her $ea.heN i$1 ,ha$ $he learner
learn0 An! o i$ i in fa%ilie0 Wha$ %a$$er i $he %ea#e o(r &i!
re.ei-e/ no$ $he one ,e $hin& ,e1re en!in#0
8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
Reear.her $r'in# $o $(!' $he effe.$ of !ifferen$ $'le of
!i.i6+line ha-e no$ ha! an ea' $i%e $r'in# $o fi#(re o($ ho, $o
i!en$if' an! %ea(re ,ha$ a.$(all' #oe on in +eo+le1 ho%e0 I$1
no$ al,a' +oi*le $o o*er-e $he rele-an$ in$era.$ion fir$han!
9or e-en $o -i!eo$a+e $he%:/ o o%e e2+eri%en$ ha-e *een
!one in la*ora$orie/ ,here a +aren$ an! a .hil! are a&e! $o !o
o%e$hin# $o#e$her0 So%e6$i%e +aren$ are in$er-ie,e!/ or a&e!
$o fill o($ a 3(e$ionnaire/ a*o($ $heir ((al +aren$in# $'le0 If $he
.hil!ren are ol! eno(#h/ they %a' *e a&e! ,ha$ $heir +aren$ !o
)or/ if $he'1re #ro,n/ ,ha$ $heir +aren$ (e! $o !o0
Ea.h of $hee $e.hni3(e ha i$ !ra,*a.&/ an! $he .hoi.e of
%e$ho! .an affe.$ a $(!'1 re(l$0 When +aren$ an! .hil!ren are
a&e! e+ara$el' $o !e.ri*e ,ha$1 #oin# on/ for e2a%+le/ $he'
%a' offer -er' !ifferen$ a..o(n$0
H
In$ere$in#l'/ ,hen $here i
o%e o*;e.6$i-e ,a' $o #e$ a$ $he $r($h/ .hil!ren1 +er.e+$ion of
$heir +aren$1 *eha-ior +ro-e $o *e e-er' *i$ a a..(ra$e a $he
+aren$1 re+or$ of $heir o,n *eha-ior0
J
B($ $he i%+or$an$ 3(e$ion i no$ ,ho1 ri#h$/ ,hi.h/ ,here feel6in#
are .on.erne!/ i ((all' (nan,era*le0 Ra$her/ ,ha$ %a$$er i ,hoe
+er+e.$i-e i ao.ia$e! ,i$h -ario( .one3(en.e $o $he .hil6!ren0
8oni!er one $(!' $ha$ in-e$i#a$e! a -erion of .on!i$ional +aren$in#0
Ki! ,hoe +aren$ ai! $he' (e! $hi a++roa.h ,eren1$ in an' ,ore
ha+e $han &i! ,hoe +aren$ ai! $he' !i!n1$0 B($ ,hen $he reear.her
e+ara$e! $he &i! on $he *ai of ,he$her they fel$ $heir +aren$ (e! $hi
$e.hni3(e/ $he !ifferen.e ,a $ri&in#0 On a-era#e/ .hil!ren ,ho ai! $he'
e2+erien.e! .on!i$ional affe.$ion fro% $heir +aren$ ,eren1$ !oin# a ,ell
a .hil!ren ,ho !i!n1$ re+or$ re.ei-in# .on!i$ional affe.$ion0
I
The !e$ail
of $hi $(!' ,ill *e !i.(e! la$erN %' +oin$ here i i%+l' $ha$ ,ha$ ,e
$hin& ,e1re !oin# 9or ,o(l! ,ear ,e1re no$ !oin#: !oen1$ %a$$er a
%(.h/ in $er% of $he i%+a.$ on o(r &i!/ a their e2+erien.e of ,ha$
,e1re !oin#0
There ha *een a %all (r#e in reear.h on .on!i$ional +aren$in#
o-er $he la$ fe, 'ear/ an! one of $he %o$ re%ar&a*le e2a%+le ,a
;($ +(*lihe! in CBBD0 In $ha$ $(!'/ infor%a$ion ,a .olle.$e! fro%
CC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
%ore $han a h(n!re! .olle#e $(!en$/ ea.h of ,ho% ,a a&e!
,he$her $he lo-e offere! *' hi or her +aren$ $en!e! $o -ar'
!e+en!6in# on an' of fo(r +oi*le .on!i$ion7 ,he$her $he $(!en$
a a .hil! ha! 9A: (..ee!e! in .hool/ 9C: +ra.$i.e! har! for
+or$/ 9E: *een .on6i!era$e $o,ar! o$her/ or 9D: (++ree!
ne#a$i-e e%o$ion (.h a fear0 The $(!en$ ,ere alo a&e!
e-eral o$her 3(e$ion/ in.l(!in# ,he$her $he' !i!/ in fa.$/ $en! $o
a.$ in $hoe ,a' 9$ha$ i/ hi!e $heir feelin#/ $(!' har! for $e$/
an! o on: an! ho, $he' #o$ alon# ,i$h $heir +aren$0
I$ $(rne! o($ $ha$ $he (e of .on!i$ional lo-e ee%e! $o *e a$ lea$
o%e,ha$ (..ef(l a$ +ro!(.in# $he !eire! *eha-ior0 8hil!ren ,ho
re.ei-e! a++ro-al fro% $heir +aren$ onl' if $he' a.$e! in a +ar$i.(lar ,a'
,ere a *i$ %ore li&el' $o a.$ $ha$ ,a')e-en in .olle#e0 B($ $he .o$ of $hi
$ra$e#' ,a (*$an$ial0 For $ar$er/ $he $(!en$ ,ho $ho(#h$ $heir
+aren$ lo-e! $he% .on!i$ionall' ,ere %(.h %ore li&el' $o feel re;e.$e!
an!/ a a re(l$/ $o reen$ an! !ili&e $heir +aren$0
Yo( .an eail' i%a#ine $ha$/ ha! $he' *een a&e!/ ea.h of $hoe
+aren$ ,o(l! ha-e !e.lare!/ "I !on1$ &no, ,here %' on #e$ $ha$
i!ea4 I lo-e hi% no %a$$er ,ha$45 Onl' *e.a(e $he reear.her
$ho(#h$ $o in$er-ie, $he 9no, #ro,n: .hil!ren !ire.$l' !i! $he' hear a
-er' !ifferen$)an! -er' !i$(r*in#)$or'0 Man' of $he $(!en$ fel$
$he' ha! .oni$en$l' re.ei-e! le affe.$ion ,hene-er $he' faile! $o
i%+re or o*e' $heir +aren$)an! i$ ,a +re.iel' $hee $(!en$
,hoe rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $heir +aren$ ,ere li&el' $o *e $raine!0
To !ri-e ho%e $he +oin$/ $he reear.her .on!(.$e! a e.on!
$(!'/ $hi one ,i$h %ore $han a h(n!re! %o$her of #ro,n
.hil!ren0 Wi$h $hi #enera$ion/ $oo/ .on!i$ional lo-e +ro-e!
!a%a#in#0 Thoe %o$h6er ,ho/ a .hil!ren/ ene! $ha$ $he'
,ere lo-e! onl' ,hen $he' li-e! (+ $o $heir +aren$1 e2+e.$a$ion
no, fel$ le ,or$h' a a!(l$0 Re%ar&a*l'/ $ho(#h/ they tended to
use the identical approach once $he' beca-e parents. The
%o$her (e! .on!i$ional affe.$ion ",i$h $heir o,n .hil!ren in +i$e
of $he $ra$e#'=1> ha-in# ha! ne#a$i-e effe.$ on $he%05
AB
Al$ho(#h $hi i $he fir$ $(!' 9a far a I &no,: $o ho, $ha$ .on6
8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
!i$ional +aren$in# $'le .an *e +ae! on $o one1 .hil!ren/ o$her
+'6.holo#i$ ha-e fo(n! i%ilar e-i!en.e a*o($ i$ effe.$0 So%e of
$hee are !i.(e! in $he follo,in# .ha+$er/ ,hi.h !e.ri*e $,o
+e.ifi. ,a' in ,hi.h .on!i$ional +aren$in# i +($ in$o +ra.$i.e0 E-en
in #en6eral $er%/ $ho(#h/ $he re(l$ are fairl' !a%nin#0 For e2a%+le/
a #ro(+ of reear.her a$ $he Uni-eri$' of Den-er ha ho,n $ha$
$eena#er ,ho feel $he' ha-e $o f(lfill .er$ain .on!i$ion in or!er $o ,in
$heir +aren$1 a++ro-al %a' en! (+ no$ li&in# $he%el-e0 Tha$/ in $(rn/
%a' lea! a #i-en a!ole.en$ $o .on$r(.$ a "fale elf5)in o$her
,or!/ $o +re$en! $o *e $he &in! of +eron ,ho% hi or her +ar6en$
%ill lo-e0 Thi !e+era$e $ra$e#' $o #ain a..e+$an.e i of$en ao6
.ia$e! ,i$h !e+reion/ a ene of ho+elene/ an! a $en!en.' $o
loe $o(.h ,i$h one1 $r(e elf0 A$ o%e +oin$/ (.h $eena#er %a' no$
e-en &no, ,ho $he' reall' are *e.a(e $he'1-e ha! $o ,or& o har! $o
*e.o%e o%e$hin# $he'1re no$0
AA
O-er %an' 'ear/ reear.her ha-e fo(n! $ha$ "$he %ore .on!i6
$ional $he (++or$ =one re.ei-e>/ $he lo,er one1 +er.e+$ion of o-er6
all ,or$h a a +eron05 When .hil!ren re.ei-e affe.$ion ,i$h $rin#
a$$a.he!/ $he' $en! $o a..e+$ the-selves onl' ,i$h $rin# a$$a.he!0
B' .on$ra$/ $hoe ,ho feel $he'1re a..e+$e! (n.on!i$ionall')*' $heir
+aren$ or/ a..or!in# $o o$her reear.h/ e-en *' a $ea.her)are li&el'
$o feel *e$$er a*o($ $he%el-e/
AC
e2a.$l' a 8arl Ro#er +re!i.$e!0
An! $ha$ *rin# ( $o $he (l$i%a$e +(r+oe of $hi *oo&/ $he .en6$ral
3(e$ion I in-i$e 'o( $o +on!er0 In $he 3(e$ionnaire $ha$ are (e! $o
$(!' .on!i$ional +aren$in#/ a $eena#er or 'o(n# a!(l$ i $'+i.all'
a&e! $o in!i.a$e "$ron# a#ree%en$/5 "a#ree%en$/5 "ne($ral feel6in#/5
"!ia#ree%en$/5 or "$ron# !ia#ree%en$5 in re+one $o en6$en.e
(.h a "M' %o$her %ain$aine! a ene of lo-in# .onne.$ion ,i$h %e
e-en !(rin# o(r ,or$ .onfli.$5 or "When %' !a! !ia#ree ,i$h %e/ I
&no, $ha$ he $ill lo-e %e05
AE
So/ ho, ,o(l! 'o( li&e your .hil!ren $o
an,er $ha$ or$ of 3(e$ion in fi-e or $en or fif$een 'ear) an! ho,
!o 'o( $hin& $he' ,ill an,er i$@
C
GIVING AND
WITHHOLDING LOVE
W
hen .ien$i$ *e#an $o $(!' !i.i+line in $he AIGB an! 1FB/
$he' $en!e! $o .laif' ,ha$ +aren$ ,ere !oin# ,i$h $heir .hil6!ren a
*ein# *ae! on ei$her +o,er or lo-e0 Po,er6*ae! !i.i+line
in.l(!e! hi$$in#/ 'ellin#/ an! $hrea$enin#0 Lo-e6*ae! !i.i+line
in.l(!e! ;($ a*o($ e-er'$hin# ele0 A $he reear.h re(l$ .a%e in/ i$
3(i.&l' *e.a%e .lear $ha$ +o,er +ro!(.e! +oorer re(l$ $han lo-e0
Unfor$(na$el'/ an a,f(l lo$ of !i-ere $ra$e#ie ,ere *ein#
l(%+e! $o#e$her (n!er $ha$ e.on! hea!in#0 So%e of $he%
.oni$e! of rea6onin# ,i$h .hil!ren an! $ea.hin# $he%/ offerin#
,ar%$h an! (n!er6$an!in#0 B($ o$her $e.hni3(e ,ere a lo$ le
lo-in#0 In fa.$/ o%e of $he% a%o(n$e! $o controlling .hil!ren ,i$h
lo-e/ ei$her *' ,i$hhol!6in# i$ ,hen &i! ,ere *a! or *' ho,erin#
$he% ,i$h a$$en$ion an! affe.$ion ,hen $he' ,ere #oo!0 Thee/
$hen/ are $he $,o fa.e of .on6!i$ional +aren$in#7 "lo-e ,i$h!ra,al5
9$he $i.&: an! "+oi$i-e rein6for.e%en$5 9$he .arro$:0 In $hi .ha+$er/
I ,an$ $o e2+lore ,ha$ *o$h of $hee $e.hni3(e loo& li&e in
+ra.$i.e/ $he effe.$ $he' ha-e/ an! $he reaon for $hoe effe.$0
La$er/ I1ll loo& a$ $he i!ea of +(nih%en$ in %ore !e$ail0
G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E
Ti-e <ut )ro- 'ove
Li&e an'$hin# ele/ lo-e ,i$h!ra,al .an *e a++lie! in !ifferen$ ,a'
an! ,i$h -ar'in# le-el of in$eni$'0 A$ one en! of $he .on$in((%/ a
+aren$ %a' +(ll *a.& e-er o li#h$l' in re+one $o o%e$hin# $he
.hil! ha !one/ *e.o%in# .hillier an! le affe.$iona$e)+erha+ ,i$h6
o($ e-en *ein# a,are of i$0 A$ $he o$her en!/ a +aren$ %a' anno(n.e
*l(n$l'/ "I !on1$ lo-e 'o( ,hen 'o( a.$ $ha$ ,a'5 or "When 'o( !o
$hin# li&e $ha$/ I !on1$ e-en ,an$ $o *e aro(n! 'o(05
So%e +aren$ ,i$h!ra, $heir lo-e *' i%+l' ref(in# $o re+on!
$o a .hil!)$ha$ i/ *' %a&in# a +oin$ of i#norin# hi%0 The' %a' no$
a' i$ o($ lo(!/ *($ $he %ea#e $he'1re en!in# i +re$$' .lear7 "If
'o( !o $hin# I !on1$ li&e/ I ,on1$ +a' an' a$$en$ion $o 'o(0 I1ll
+re$en! 'o(1re no$ e-en here0 If 'o( ,an$ %e $o a.&no,le!#e 'o(
a#ain/ 'o(1! *e$6$er o*e' %e05
S$ill o$her +aren$ e+ara$e $he%el-e +h'i.all' fro% $he .hil!0
There are $,o ,a' of !oin# $hi0 The +aren$ .an ei$her ,al& a,a'
9,hi.h %a' lea-e a .hil! o**in#/ or .r'in# o($ in a +ani./ "Mo%%'/
.o%e *a.&4 8o%e *a.&45: or *anih $he .hil! $o hi roo% or o%e
o$her +la.e ,here $he +aren$ in1$0 Thi $a.$i. %i#h$ a..(ra$el' *e
.alle! for.i*le iola$ion0 B($ $ha$ la*el ,o(l! %a&e a lo$ of +aren$
(n.o%for$a*le/ o a %ore inno.(o( $er% $en! $o *e (e! in$ea!/
one $ha$ allo, ( $o a-oi! fa.in# (+ $o ,ha$1 reall' #oin# on0 The
+referre! e(+he%i%/ a +erha+ 'o(1-e #(ee!/ i ti-e-out.
In reali$'/ $hi -er' +o+(lar !i.i+line $e.hni3(e i a -erion of lo-e
,i$h!ra,al)a$ lea$ ,hen .hil!ren are en$ a,a' a#ain$ $heir ,ill0
There1 no$hin# ,ron# ,i$h #i-in# a .hil! $he o+$ion of #oin# $o her
roo%/ or $o ano$her in-i$in# +la.e/ ,hen he1 an#r' or (+e$0 If he
ha .hoen $o $a&e o%e $i%e alone/ an! if all $he +ar$i.(lar 9,hen $o
lea-e/ ,here $o #o/ ,ha$ $o !o/ ,hen $o re$(rn: are ,i$hin her .on$rol/
$hen i$1 no$ e2+erien.e! a *anih%en$ or +(nih%en$/ an! i$ .an
of$en *e hel+f(l0 Tha$1 no$ ,ha$ I1% .on.erne! ,i$h here0 I1% fo.(6
in# on $i%e6o($ a $he $er% i ((all' (e!/ ,here i$1 a en$en.e
han!e! !o,n *' $he +aren$7 oli$ar' .onfine%en$0
CF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
One .l(e $o $he na$(re of $he $e.hni3(e i +ro-i!e! *' $he ori#in of
$he $er%0 Ti-e-out i a.$(all' an a**re-ia$ion for ti-e out )ro- pos-
itive rein)orce-ent. The +ra.$i.e ,a !e-elo+e! al%o$ half a .en$(r'
a#o a a ,a' of $rainin# la*ora$or' ani%al0 A B0 F0 S&inner an! hi
follo,er la*ore!/ for e2a%+le/ $o $ea.h +i#eon $o +e.& a$ .er$ain
&e' in re+one $o flahin# li#h$/ $he' $in&ere! ,i$h !ifferen$
.he!(le *' ,hi.h foo! ,a offere! a a re,ar! for !oin# ,ha$ $he
e2+eri%en$er ,an$e!0 So%e$i%e $he' alo $rie! +(nihin# $he *ir!
*' ,i$hhol!in# foo!/ or e-en *' h($$in# off all $he li#h$/ $o ee
,he$her $ha$ ,o(l! "e2$in#(ih5 $he &e'6+e.&in# *eha-ior0 Thi ,a
!one ,i$h o$her .ri$6$er/ $oo0 Th(/ a .ollea#(e of S&inner +(*lihe!
an ar$i.le in AIGJ .alle! "8on$rol of Beha-ior in 8hi%+anMee an!
Pi#eon *' Ti%e6o($ fro% Poi$i-e Reinfor.e%en$05
Wi$hin a fe, 'ear/ ar$i.le *e#an a++earin# in $hee a%e e2+eri6
%en$al +'.holo#' ;o(rnal ,i$h $i$le li&e "Ti%eo($ D(ra$ion an! $he
S(++reion of De-ian$ Beha-ior in 8hil!ren05 In $ha$ +ar$i.(lar $(!'/
$he .hil!ren (*;e.$e! $o $i%e6o($ ,ere !e.ri*e! a "re$ar!e!/ in$i6
$($ionaliMe! (*;e.$05 B($ oon $hi in$er-en$ion ,a *ein# +re.ri*e!
in!i.ri%ina$el'/ an! e-en !i.i+line +e.iali$ ,ho ,o(l! ha-e *een
a#ha$ a$ $he i!ea of $rea$in# .hil!ren li&e la* ani%al ,ere en$h(i6
a$i.all' a!-iin# +aren$ $o #i-e $heir &i! a $i%e6o($ ,hen $he' !i!
o%e$hin# ,ron#0 Before lon# i$ ha! *e.o%e "$he %o$ .o%%onl' re.6
o%%en!e! !i.i+line +ro.e!(re in $he +rofeional li$era$(re for
+rea!ole.en$ .hil!ren05
A
We are $al&in# a*o($ a $e.hni3(e/ $hen/ $ha$ *e#an a a ,a' of
con-trolling ani-al behavior. All $hree of $hoe ,or! %a' raie
$ro(*lin# 3(e$ion for (0 The la$ of $he%/ of .o(re/ ,e1-e alrea!'
en.o(n6$ere!7 Sho(l! o(r fo.( *e li%i$e! $o behavior@ Ti%e6o($/ li&e
all +(n6ih%en$ an! re,ar!/ $a' on $he (rfa.e0 I$1 !ei#ne!
+(rel' $o %a&e an or#ani% a.$ 9or $o+ a.$in#: in a +ar$i.(lar ,a'0
The %i!!le ,or!/ ani-al, re%in! ( $ha$ $he *eha-iori$ ,ho
in-en$e! $i%e6o($ *elie-e! $ha$ h(%an are no$ all $ha$ !ifferen$ fro%
o$her +e.ie0 We "e%i$5 %ore .o%+li.a$e! *eha-ior/ in.l(!in#
+ee.h/ *($ $he +rin.i+le of learnin# are $ho(#h$ $o *e +re$$' %(.h
G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E
$he a%e0 Thoe of ( ,ho !on1$ hare $ha$ *elief %i#h$ ha-e
e.on! $ho(#h$ a*o($ (*;e.$in# o(r .hil!ren $o o%e$hin# $ha$
,a !e-el6o+e! for (e ,i$h *ir! an! ro!en$0
Finall'/ ,e1re lef$ ,i$h a 3(e$ion $ha$ infor% $hi ,hole *oo&7
Doe i$ %a&e ene $o raie o(r &i! *ae! on a %o!el of control9
E-en if i$ hi$or' an! $heore$i.al *ai !on1$ $ro(*le 'o(/ loo&
a#ain a$ $he ori#inal la*el ti-e-out )ro- positive rein)orce-ent. Par6
en$ aren1$ ((all' in $he %i!!le of han!in# o($ $i.&er or .an!' *ar
,hen $he' (!!enl' !e.i!e $o $o+0 So ,ha$/ e2a.$l'/ i $he +oi$i-e
reinfor.e%en$ $ha$1 *ein# (+en!e! ,hen a .hil! i #i-en a $i%e6
o($@ So%e$i%e he1 !oin# o%e$hin# f(n an! i for.e! $o 3(i$0 B($
$hi in1$ al,a' $he .ae)an! e-en ,hen i$ i/ I $hin& $here1 %ore $o
$he $or'0 When 'o( en! a .hil! a,a'/ ,ha$1 reall' *ein# ,i$.he!
off or ,i$h6!ra,n i 'o(r +reen.e/ 'o(r a$$en$ion/ your love. Yo( %a'
no$ ha-e $ho(#h$ of i$ $ha$ ,a'0 In!ee!/ 'o( %a' ini$ $ha$ 'o(r lo-e
for 'o(r .hil! i (n!i%inihe! *' hi %i*eha-ior0 B($/ a ,e1-e een/
,ha$ %a$$er i ho, $hin# loo& $o $he .hil!0
The ,esults o) 'ove Withdra%al
In a la$er .ha+$er/ I1ll a' %ore a*o($ al$erna$i-e $o $i%e6o($0 B($ le$1
*a.& (+ an! loo& %ore .aref(ll' a$ $he ,hole i!ea of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al0
For %an' +eo+le/ $he fir$ 3(e$ion ,o(l! *e ,he$her $hi a++roa.h
,or&0 On.e a#ain/ ho,e-er/ $ha$ +ro-e $o *e a %ore .o%+li.a$e!
%a$$er $han i$ %a' ee%0 We ha-e $o a&7 "Wor& $o !o ,ha$@5)an!
,e alo ha-e $o ,ei#h an' $e%+orar' .han#e in *eha-ior a#ain$ ,ha$
%a' $(rn o($ $o *e a !ee+er/ lon#er6la$in# ne#a$i-e i%+a.$0 In o$her
,or!/ ,e nee! $o loo& *e'on! $he hor$6$er%/ an! ,e alo nee! $o
loo& a$ ,ha$1 #oin# on underneath $he -ii*le *eha-ior0 Re%e%*er/
$he $(!' of .olle#e $(!en$ !e.ri*e! in $he la$ .ha+$er fo(n! $ha$
.on!i$ional lo-e .an (..ee! a$ .han#in# ho, &i! a.$/ *($ a$ enor6
%o( .o$0 I$ $(rn o($ $ha$ $he a%e i $r(e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al in +ar6
$i.(lar0
CJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
8oni!er $hi a..o(n$ fro% $he +aren$ of a 'o(n# .hil! ,e1ll .all
Lee7
I !i.o-ere! o%e $i%e a#o $ha$ ,hen Lee $ar$e! $o a.$ (+/ I
reall' !i!n1$ ha-e $o $hrea$en $o $a&e a,a' +ri-ile#e or e-en raie
%' -oi.e0 I ;($ 3(ie$l' anno(n.e! %' in$en$ion $o lea-e $he roo%0
So%e$i%e all I ha! $o !o ,a ,al& across $he roo%/ a,a' fro%
hi%/ an! a' I ,o(l! ,ai$ (n$il he ,a rea!' $o $o+ 'ellin# or
rei$in# or ,ha$e-er0 Mo$ of $he $i%e $hi ,a a%aM6in#l'
effe.$i-e0 He ,o(l! *e#/ "No/ !on1$45 an! ,o(l! i%%e!i6a$el' 3(ie$
!o,n or !o ,ha$ I a&e!0 A$ fir$/ $he %oral I !re, fro% $hi ,a
$ha$ a li#h$ $o(.h i (ffi.ien$0 I .o(l! #e$ ,ha$ I ,an$e! ,i$ho($
ha-in# $o +(nih0 B($ I .o(l!n1$ $o+ $hin&in# a*o($ $he fear I a,
in hi e'e0 I .a%e $o realiMe $ha$ ,ha$ I ,a !oin# %as
+(nih%en$ a far a Lee ,a .on.erne!)a '%*oli. one/
%a'*e/ *($ a +re$$' !a%n .ar' one0
An i%+or$an$ $(!' on $he effe.$i-ene of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al *ai6
.all' (++or$ $hi +aren$1 .on.l(ion7 So%e$i%e i$ !oe ee% $o
,or&/ *($ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean ,e ho(l! !o i$0 In $he earl' AIJB/
$,o reear.her a$ $he Na$ional In$i$($e of Men$al Heal$h 9NIMH:
e2a%6ine! ,ha$ %o$her !i! ,i$h $heir a++ro2i%a$el' one6'ear6ol!
.hil!ren0 I$ ee%e! $ha$ lo-e ,i$h!ra,al)!eli*era$el' i#norin# a
.hil! or enfor.in# a e+ara$ion),a $'+i.all' .o%*ine! ,i$h o%e
o$her $ra$6e#'0 Re#ar!le of ,hi.h o$her a++roa.h ,a (e!/
,he$her i$ ,a e2+lainin# or %a.&in#/ $he a!!i$ion of lo-e
,i$h!ra,al %a!e i$ %ore li&el' $ha$ $hee -er' 'o(n# &i! ,o(l!
.o%+l' ,i$h $heir %o$her1 ,ihe/ a$ lea$ for $he %o%en$0
B($ $he reear.her ,ere %ore .on.erne! $han rea(re! *' ,ha$
$he' a,/ an! $he' e%+haiMe! $ha$ $he' ,ere no$ a!-iin# +aren$ $o
(e lo-e ,i$h!ra,al0 Fir$/ $he' +oin$e! o($ $ha$ "!i.i+linar' $e.h6ni3(e
effe.$i-e for e.(rin# i%%e!ia$e .o%+lian.e are no$ ne.earil' effe.$i-e 0
0 0 in $he lon# r(n05 Se.on!/ $he' o*er-e! $ha$ ".hil!ren %a' rea.$ $o lo-e
,i$h!ra,al in ,a' $ha$ +aren$ +er.ei-e a o..aion for
G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E
f(r$her !i.i+line05 A -i.io( .ir.le .an *e .rea$e!/ ,i$h &i! .r'in# an!
+ro$e$in#/ lea!in# $o %ore lo-e ,i$h!ra,al/ lea!in# $o %ore .r'in#
an! +ro$e$in#/ an! o on0 Finall'/ e-en ,hen $hi $e.hni3(e !i! +ro6
!(.e re(l$/ $he reear.her ee%e! (nea' a*o($ %hy i$ ,or&e!0
C
Man' 'ear a#o/ a +'.holo#i$ na%e! Mar$in Hoff%an .hal6
len#e! $he !i$in.$ion *e$,een +o,er6*ae! an! lo-e6*ae!
!i.i+line *' +oin$in# o($ $ha$ lo-e ,i$h!ra,al/ a .o%%on e2a%+le
of $he la$6$er/ a.$(all' ha a lo$ in .o%%on ,i$h %ore e-ere for%
of +(nih6%en$0 Bo$h .o%%(ni.a$e $o .hil!ren $ha$ if $he' !o
o%e$hin# ,e !on1$ li&e/ ,e1ll %a&e $he% (ffer in or!er $o .han#e
$heir *eha-ior0 9The onl' re%ainin# 3(e$ion i ho% ,e1ll %a&e
$he% (ffer7 *' .a(6in# +h'i.al +ain $hro(#h hi$$in#/ or *'
.a(in# e%o$ional +ain $hro(#h enfor.e! iola$ion0: An! *o$h are
*ae! on #e$$in# &i! $o fo.( on $he .one3(en.e of $heir a.$ion
to the-selves, ,hi.h i/ of .o(re/ -er' !ifferen$ fro% raiin#
.hil!ren $o $hin& a*o($ ho, $heir a.$ion ,ill affe.$ o$her +eo+le0
Hoff%an $hen +ro.ee!e! $o %a&e an e-en %ore (r+riin# (#6
#e$ion7 In o%e i$(a$ion/ lo-e ,i$h!ra,al %i#h$ *e e-en ,ore $han
o$her/ a++aren$l' harher/ +(nih%en$0 "Al$ho(#h i$ +oe no i%%e6
!ia$e +h'i.al or %a$erial $hrea$ $o $he .hil!/5 he ,ro$e/ lo-e ,i$h6
!ra,al "%a' *e %ore !e-a$a$in# e%o$ionall' $han +o,er aer$ion
*e.a(e i$ +oe $he (l$i%a$e $hrea$ of a*an!on%en$ or e+ara$ion05
F(r$her%ore/ ",hile $he +aren$ %a' &no, ,hen i$ ,ill en!/ $he -er'
'o(n# .hil! %a' no$ in.e he i $o$all' !e+en!en$ on $he +aren$ an!
%oreo-er la.& $he e2+erien.e an! $i%e +er+e.$i-e nee!e! $o re.o#6
niMe $he $e%+orar' na$(re of $he +aren$1 a$$i$(!e05
E
E-en .hil!ren ,ho .o%e $o realiMe $ha$ Mo% or Da! ,ill e-en$(6
all' $ar$ $al&in# $o $he% a#ain 9or ,ill oon free $he% fro% $he $i%e6
o($: %a' no$ en$irel' re.o-er fro% $he re-er*era$ion of $hi
+(nih%en$0 Lo-e6,i$h!ra,al $e.hni3(e .an (..ee! in %a&in# a
.hil!1 *eha-ior %ore a..e+$a*le $o a!(l$/ *($ $he en#ine $ha$ !ri-e
$heir (..e i $he !ee+l' fel$ "an2ie$' a*o($ +oi*le lo of +aren$al
lo-e/5 a' Hoff%an0
D
Thi i ,ha$ #a-e +a(e e-en $o $hoe NIMH
reear.her ,ho fo(n! $ha$ lo-e ,i$h!ra,al .an +ro!(.e $e%+orar'
EB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
o*e!ien.e0 In!ee!/ ano$her #ro(+ of +'.holo#i$ o*er-e! $ha$
$hi for% of !i.i+line $en! $o "lea-e $he .hil! in a $a$e of
e%o$ional !i6.o%for$ for lon#er +erio!5 $han !oe a +an&in#0
G
There in1$ a h(#e a%o(n$ of .ien$ifi. reear.h on lo-e
,i$h!ra,al/ *($ $he li$$le $ha$ !oe e2i$ ha $(rne! (+ !i$(r*in#l'
.oni$en$ fin!6in#0 8hil!ren on $he re.ei-in# en! $en! $o ha-e
lo,er elf6e$ee%0 The' !i+la' i#n of +oorer e%o$ional heal$h
o-erall an! %a' e-en *e %ore a+$ $o en#a#e in !elin3(en$ a.$0 If
,e .oni!er a *roa!er .a$6e#or' of "+'.holo#i.al .on$rol5 on $he
+ar$ of +aren$ 9of ,hi.h lo-e ,i$h!ra,al i ai! $o *e "a !efinin#
.hara.$eri$i.5:/ ol!er .hil!ren ,ho are $rea$e! $hi ,a' are %ore
li&el' $han $heir +eer $o *e !e+ree!0
F
No 3(e$ion a*o($ i$7 A +aren$ ha .oni!era*le +o,er "$o %ani+6
(la$e .hil!ren $hro(#h $heir nee! for +aren$al affe.$ion an! a++ro-al/
an! $heir fear of lo of $he +aren$1 e%o$ional (++or$05
H
B($ $hi i
no$ li&e/ a'/ fear of $he !ar&/ ,hi.h %o$ +eo+le o($#ro,0 Ra$her/ i$1
$he or$ of fear $ha$ .an *e a en!(rin# a i$ i ha$$erin#0 No$hin# i
%ore i%+or$an$ $o ( ,hen ,e1re 'o(n# $han ho, o(r +aren$ feel
a*o($ (0 Un.er$ain$' a*o($ $ha$/ or $error a*o($ *ein# a*an!one!/
.an lea-e i$ %ar& e-en af$er ,e1re #ro,n0
I$ %a&e +erfe.$ ene/ $hen/ $ha$ $he %o$ $ri&in# lon#6$er% effe.$
of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al i fear0 E-en a 'o(n# a!(l$/ +eo+le ,ho ,ere
$rea$e! $ha$ ,a' *' $heir +aren$ are $ill li&el' $o *e (n((all' an26
io(0 The' %a' *e afrai! $o ho, an#er0 The' $en! $o !i+la' a i#6
nifi.an$ fear of fail(re0 An! $heir a!(l$ rela$ionhi+ %a' *e ,ar+e! *'
a nee! $o a-oi! a$$a.h%en$)+erha+ *e.a(e $he' li-e in !rea! of
*ein# a*an!one! all o-er a#ain0 9Ha-in# e2+erien.e! lo-e ,i$h!ra,al
a .hil!ren/ a!(l$ %a' ha-e "!e.i!e! een$iall' $ha$ R$he $er% of
$hi *ar#ain are i%+oi*le $o %ee$01 Tha$ i/ $he' .o(l! ne-er e2+e.$
$o earn $he a++ro-al an! (++or$ fro% $heir +aren$ $he' nee!e!/
$here6fore =$he' no, $r'> $o $r(.$(re $heir li-e o a no$ $o !e+en! on
+ro6$e.$ion an! e%o$ional .o%for$ fro% o$her05:
J
I !on1$ %ean $o i%+l' $ha$ 'o(r .hil! i (re $o *e .re,e! (+ for
life ;($ *e.a(e 'o( en$ her $o her roo% on.e ,hen he ,a fo(r0 A$
G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E
$he a%e $i%e/ $hi li$ of effe.$ in1$ o%e$hin# I $ho(#h$ (+ in $he
ho,er $hi %ornin#0 I$1 no$ a %a$$er of +e.(la$ion or e-en of
ane.6!o$e fro% $hera+i$0 8on$rolle! $(!ie ha-e lin&e! all
$hee fear +e.ifi.all' $o $he earlier +aren$al (e of lo-e
,i$h!ra,al0 Paren$in# #(i!e al%o$ ne-er %en$ion $hee !a$a/ *($
$heir .(%(la$i-e effe.$ ha $o *e $a&en erio(l'0
In!ee!/ $here1 one %ore fin!in# ,or$h %en$ionin#7 $he effe.$ on
&i!1 -oral !e-elo+%en$0 Hoff%an .on!(.$e! a $(!' of e-en$h6
#ra!er $ha$ fo(n! $ha$ $he (e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al ,a ao.ia$e! ,i$h
a lo,er6le-el for% of %orali$'0 In !e.i!in# ho, $o a.$ ,i$h o$her +eo6
+le/ $hee .hil!ren !i!n1$ $a&e +e.ifi. .ir.(%$an.e in$o a..o(n$/ nor
!i! $he' .oni!er $he nee! of a #i-en in!i-i!(al0 In$ea!/ ha-in#
learne! $o !o e2a.$l' ,ha$ $he'1re $ol! in or!er $o a-oi! loin# $heir
+aren$1 lo-e/ $he' $en!e! ;($ $o a++l' r(le in a ri#i!/ one6iMe6fi$6all
fahion0
I
If ,e1re erio( a*o($ hel+in# o(r .hil!ren $o #ro, in$o
.o%+aiona$e an! +'.holo#i.all' heal$h' +eo+le/ ,e ha-e $o realiMe
ho, har! $ha$ i $o !o on a !ie$ of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al)or/ a ,e1ll ee
la$er/ an' o$her or$ of +(ni$i-e .one3(en.e0
The 4ailure o) ,e%ards
I i$ (ne$$lin# $o hear $ha$ $i%e6o($ an! o$her "%il!er5 for% of +(n6
ih%en$ %a' a.$(all' no$ *e o *eni#n af$er all@ Well/ *ra.e 'o(relf0
The fli+ i!e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al)$ha$ i/ $he o$her $e.hni3(e ao.i6
a$e! ,i$h .on!i$ional lo-e)i none o$her $han +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$/
an a++roa.h $ha$1 ,il!l' +o+(lar a%on# +aren$/ $ea.her/ an! o$h6
er ,ho +en! $i%e ,i$h .hil!ren0 E-en +eo+le ,ho ,arn a*o($ $he
(nin$en!e! .one3(en.e of +(ni$i-e !i.i+line #enerall' !on1$ $hin&
$,i.e a*o($ (r#in# ( $o +raie &i! for *ein# #oo!0
A *i$ of *a.&#ro(n! %a' *e a++ro+ria$e here0
AB
In o(r .(l$(re1
,or&+la.e/ .laroo%/ an! fa%ilie/ $here are $,o *ai. $ra$e#ie
*' ,hi.h +eo+le ,i$h %ore +o,er $r' $o #e$ +eo+le ,i$h le +o,er $o
o*e'0 One ,a' i $o +(nih non.o%+lian.e0 The o$her i $o re,ar!
EC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
.o%+lian.e0 The re,ar! %i#h$ *e a +a'%en$ or a +ri-ile#e/ a #ol!
$ar or a .an!' *ar/ a $i.&er or a Phi Be$a Ka++a &e'0 B($ i$ %a'
alo *e +raie0 Th(/ $o (n!er$an! $he i#nifi.an.e of a'in#
"Goo! ;o*45 $o 'o(r .hil!/ 'o( ha-e $o (n!er$an! $he ,hole .arro$6
an!6$i.& +hilo6o+h' of ,hi.h i$1 a +ar$0
The fir$ $hin# $o (n!er$an! i $ha$ re,ar! are re%ar&a*l' inef6
fe.$i-e a$ i%+ro-in# $he 3(ali$' of +eo+le1 ,or& or learnin#0 A .on6
i!era*le n(%*er of $(!ie ha-e fo(n! $ha$ .hil!ren an! a!(l$ ali&e
are less (..ef(l a$ %an' $a& ,hen $he'1re offere! a re,ar! for
!oin# $he%)or for !oin# $he% ,ell0 In fa.$/ $he fir$ .ien$i$ $o !i6
.o-er $hi re(l$ ,ere .a(#h$ off6#(ar!0 The' e2+e.$e! $ha$ o%e or$
of in.en$i-e for hi#h a.hie-e%en$ ,o(l! %o$i-a$e +eo+le $o !o *e$$er/
*($ $he' &e+$ fin!in# $ha$ $he o++oi$e ,a $r(e0 S$(!ie ha-e re+ea$6
e!l' ho,n/ for in$an.e/ $ha$ $(!en$ $en! $o learn *e$$er/ all ele
*ein# e3(al/ ,hen no A1 are (e! $o re,ar! $he%)$ha$ i/ in .la6
roo% ,here !e.ri+$ion of $(!en$1 +erfor%an.e are (e! ,i$ho($
an' le$$er or n(%*er #ra!e a$$a.he!0
B($ ,ha$ if ,e1re %ore in$ere$e! in *eha-ior an! -al(e $han in
a.hie-e%en$@ Of .o(re/ ,e1! ha-e $o a.&no,le!#e $ha$ re,ar!)
li&e +(nih%en$).an of$en (..ee! in *('in# $e%+orar' o*e!ien.e0
If I offere! 'o( a $ho(an! !ollar ri#h$ no, $o $a&e off 'o(r hoe/
'o(1! -er' li&el' a..e+$)an! $hen I .o(l! $ri(%+han$l' anno(n.e $ha$
"re,ar! ,or&05 B($/ a ,i$h +(nih%en$/ $he' .an ne-er hel+ o%e6
one $o !e-elo+ a co--it-ent $o a $a& or an a.$ion/ a reaon $o &ee+
!oin# i$ ,hen $here1 no lon#er a +a'off0
In fa.$/ one e2+eri%en$ af$er ano$her ha !e%on$ra$e! $ha$ re,ar!
are no$ onl' ineffe.$i-e)$he'1re of$en .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e0 For e2a%+le/
reear.her ha-e fo(n! $ha$ .hil!ren ,ho are re,ar!e! for !oin# o%e6
$hin# ni.e are le li&el' $o $hin& of $he%el-e a ni.e +eo+le0 In$ea!/
$he' $en! $o a$$ri*($e $heir *eha-ior $o $he re,ar!0 Then/ ,hen $here1 no
lon#er a #oo!' $o *e #aine!/ $he'1re le li&el' $o hel+ $han are &i! ,ho
,eren1$ #i-en a re,ar! in $he fir$ +la.e0 The'1re alo le li&el' $o hel+
$han $he' $he%el-e (e! $o *e0 Af$er all/ $he'1-e learne! $ha$ $he +oin$
of .o%in# $o o%eone1 ai! i ;($ $o #e$ a re,ar!0
G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E
In hor$/ i$ al%o$ al,a' *a.&fire $o offer .hil!ren $he
e3(i-alen$ of a !o##ie *i.(i$ for a.$in# $he ,a' ,e ,an$ $he% $o0
B($ $ha$1 no$ *e.a(e ,e (e! $he ,ron# &in! of *i.(i$ or #a-e
$he% o($ on $he ,ron# .he!(le0 Ra$her/ i$1 *e.a(e $here are
+ro*le% ,i$h $he ,hole i!ea of $r'in# $o .han#e +eo+le *'
re,ar!in# 9or +(nihin#: $he%0 I$1 no$ al,a' ea' for +aren$ $o
i!en$if' ,ha$ $hoe +ro*le% are/ ,hi.h i ,h' I of$en hear fro%
+eo+le ,ho feel -a#(el' (nea' a*o($ re,ar!in# $heir .hil!ren *($
.an1$ 3(i$e +($ $heir fin#er on $he o(r.e of $heir !i.o%for$0
Here1 one ,a' of %a&in# ene of ,ha$1 ,ron#0 Mo$ of (
a(%e $ha$ $here e2i$ a in#le $hin# .alle! "%o$i-a$ion/5 ,hi.h
+eo6+le .an ha-e a lo$ of/ a li$$le of/ or none of0 Na$(rall'/ ,e ,an$
o(r &i! $o +oe .o+io( 3(an$i$ie of i$/ ,hi.h i $o a'/ ,e
,an$ $he% $o *e hi#hl' %o$i-a$e! $o !o $heir ho%e,or&/ $o a.$
re+oni*l'/ an! o for$h0
The $ro(*le/ $ho(#h/ i $ha$ $here are a.$(all' !ifferen$ &in! of %o$i6
-a$ion0 Mo$ +'.holo#i$ !i$in#(ih *e$,een $he intrinsic &in! an! $he
extrinsic &in!0 In$rini. %o$i-a$ion *ai.all' %ean 'o( li&e ,ha$ 'o(1re
!oin# for i$ o,n a&e/ ,herea e2$rini. %o$i-a$ion %ean 'o( !o
o%e$hin# a a %ean $o an en!)in or!er $o #e$ a re,ar! or a-oi! a
+(nih%en$0 I$1 $he !ifferen.e *e$,een rea!in# a *oo& *e.a(e 'o( ,an$
$o fin! o($ ,ha$ ha++en in $he ne2$ .ha+$er an! rea!in# *e.a(e 'o(1-e
*een +ro%ie! a $i.&er or a +iMMa for !oin# o0
The &e' +oin$ here in1$ ;($ $ha$ e2$rini. %o$i-a$ion i di))erent
fro% $he in$rini. &in!/ or e-en $ha$ i$1 in)erior $o in$rini./ al$ho(#h
*o$h $a$e%en$ are $r(e0 Wha$ I ,an$ $o e%+haiMe i $ha$ e2$rini.
%o$i-a$ion i li&el' $o erode in$rini. %o$i-a$ion0 A e2$rini. #oe (+/
in$rini. $en! $o .o%e !o,n0 The -ore that people are re%arded )or
doing so-ething, the -ore likely they are to lose interest in %hatever
they had to do to get the re%ard. Of .o(re/ $here are al,a' 3(alifi6
.a$ion an! e2.e+$ion $o an' one6en$en.e (%%ar' of a +'.holo#6
i.al fin!in#/ *($ $ha$ *ai. +ro+oi$ion ha *een +ro-en *' li$erall'
.ore of $(!ie ,i$h +eo+le of !ifferen$ a#e/ #en!er/ an! .(l$(ral
*a.&#ro(n!)an! ,i$h a -arie$' of !ifferen$ $a& an! re,ar!0
AA
ED U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
No ,on!er/ $hen/ $ha$ &i! ,ho are re,ar!e! for *ein# hel+f(l en! (+
*ein# le hel+f(l on.e $he re,ar! $o+ .o%in#0 An! $here1 +len$' of
o$her e-i!en.e/ $oo0 Gi-e li$$le .hil!ren an (nfa%iliar *e-era#e/ an! $hoe
,ho are offere! a re,ar! for !rin&in# i$ ,ill en! (+ li&in# i$ le ne2$ ,ee&
$han &i! ,ho !ran& $he a%e $(ff ,i$ho($ *ein# offere! a re,ar!0 Or +a'
.hil!ren for $r'in# $o ol-e a +(MMle/ an! $he'1ll $en! $o $o+ +la'in# ,i$h i$
af$er $he e2+eri%en$ i o-er),hile $hoe ,ho ,ere +ai! no$hin# are a+$
$o &ee+ a$ i$ on $heir o,n $i%e0
One %oral fro% all $hi i $ha$ i$ reall' !oen1$ %a$$er ho, "%o$i6
-a$e!5 'o(r .hil! i $o !o o%e$hin# 9(e $he +o$$'/ +ra.$i.e $he +iano/
#o $o .hool/ ,ha$e-er:0 Ra$her/ $he 3(e$ion 'o(1! ,an$ $o a& i ho%
'o(r .hil! i %o$i-a$e!0 To +($ i$ ano$her ,a'/ i$1 no$ $he a%o(n$ of
%o$i-a$ion $ha$ .o(n$)i$1 $he $'+e0 An! $he $'+e $ha$1 .rea$e! *'
re,ar! ((all' ha $he effe.$ of re!(.in# $he $'+e ,e ,an$ &i! $o
ha-e7 a #en(ine in$ere$ $ha$ +eri$ lon# af$er $he re,ar! are #one0
7ot-&o-Positive ,ein)orce-ent
No, for $he reall' *a! ne,7 Wha$1 $r(e of $an#i*le re,ar! 9%one'
or foo!: an! '%*oli. re,ar! 9#ra!e or #ol! $ar: .an alo *e $r(e
of -er*al re,ar!0 In %an' .ae/ $he effe.$ of +raiin# &i! .an *e
;($ a !i%al a $he effe.$ of #i-in# $he% o$her or$ of #oo!ie0
For $ar$er/ "Goo! ;o*45 .an in$erfere ,i$h ho, ,ell a ;o* a.$(6all'
#e$ !one0 Reear.her &ee+ fin!in# $ha$ in!i-i!(al ,ho are +raie!
for !oin# ,ell a$ a .rea$i-e $a& of$en $(%*le a$ $he ne2$ $a&0 Wh'@
Par$l' *e.a(e $he +raie .rea$e +re(re $o "&ee+ (+ $he #oo!
,or&5 $ha$ #e$ in $he ,a' of !oin# o0 Par$l' *e.a(e +eo+le1 inter-
est in ,ha$ $he'1re !oin# %a' ha-e !e.line! 9*e.a(e no, $he %ain
#oal i ;($ $o #e$ %ore +raie:0
AC
Par$l' *e.a(e $he' *e.o%e le
li&el' $o $a&e ri&)a +rere3(ii$e for .rea$i-i$')on.e $he' $ar$
$hin&in# a*o($ ho, $o &ee+ $hoe +oi$i-e .o%%en$ .o%in#0
Nor !oe +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ $en! $o ,or& an' *e$$er for o($6
.o%e o$her $han a.hie-e%en$0 Li&e o$her re,ar! an! +(nih%en$/
G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E
$he *e$ i$ .an !o i $e%+oraril' .han#e a .hil!1 *eha-ior0 For
e2a%6+le/ &i! ,ho ,ere +raie! for !rin&in# $ha$ (nfa%iliar
*e-era#e en!e! (+ li&in# i$ a lo$ le a a re(l$)e2a.$l' li&e $he
&i! ,ho re.ei-e! $an#i*le re,ar! for !rin&in# i$0 9Thi +ar$i.(lar
reear.her !i!n1$ +re6!i.$ $ha$ o($.o%e7 She ha! a(%e! $ha$
+raie ,o(l!n1$ *e a !e$r(.6$i-e a o$her e2$rini. in!(.e%en$0:
More ,orrio%e ,a a $(!' in ,hi.h 'o(n# .hil!ren ,ho ,ere
of$en +raie! *' $heir +aren$ for !i+la' of #eneroi$' $en!e! $o *e
li#h$l' less #enero( on an e-er'!a' *ai $han o$her .hil!ren ,ere
) a#ain/ ;($ li&e &i! ,ho re.ei-e! $an#i*le re,ar!0 E-er' $i%e $he'
hear! "Goo! harin#45 or "I1% o +ro(! of 'o( for hel+in#/5 $he'
*e.a%e a li$$le le in$ere$e! in harin# or hel+in#0 Thoe a.$ion
.a%e $o *e een no$ a o%e$hin# -al(a*le in $heir o,n ri#h$ *($ a
o%e6$hin# $he .hil!ren ha! $o !o $o #e$ $ha$ rea.$ion a#ain fro% an
a!(l$0 In $hi .ae/ i$ ,a #eneroi$' $ha$ *e.a%e %erel' a %ean $o
an en!0 In o$her .ae/ i$ %i#h$ *e +ain$in# or ,i%%in# or %(l$i+l'in#
or an'6$hin# ele for ,hi.h ,e offer +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$0
Praie/ li&e o$her re,ar!/ ((all' refle.$ a +reo..(+a$ion ,i$h
*eha-ior)$he a%e le#a.' of *eha-iori% $ha$ I %en$ione! earlier0
On.e ,e *e#in $o .oni!er $he %o$i-e $ha$ (n!erlie +eo+le1
a.$ion/ i$ (!!enl' %a&e ene $ha$ +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ %i#h$
%ifire0 Af$er all/ if ,e ,an$ a .hil! $o #ro, in$o a #en(inel'
.o%+aiona$e +eron/ $hen i$1 no$ eno(#h $o &no, ,he$her he
;($ !i! o%e$hin# hel+f(l0 We1! ,an$ $o &no, %hy.
Ta&e <a.&7 He hare! hi $o' ,i$h a frien! in $he ho+e $ha$ hi
%o% ,o(l! no$i.e an! ho,er hi% ,i$h a!(la$ion 9"I reall' li&e ho,
'o(1re le$$in# Gre#or' +la'/ $oo5:0 B($ $hen $here1 ?a.&7 He hare!
hi $o' ,i$ho($ &no,in#/ or e-en .arin#/ ,he$her hi %o% no$i.e!0
He !i! i$ for $he i%+le reaon $ha$ he !i!n1$ ,an$ hi frien! $o feel
*a!0 Praie for harin# $'+i.all' i#nore $hee !ifferen$ %o$i-e0
Wore/ i$ %a' a.$(all' +ro%o$e $he le !eira*le one *' %a&in#
.hil!ren %ore li&el' $o fih for +raie in $he f($(re0
O O O
EF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
U+ $o $hi +oin$ %' %ain ar#(%en$ ha *een $ha$ +raie $en! $o
*e .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e *e.a(e i$1 an e2$rini. %o$i-a$or0 B($ no, I
,an$ $o .o%e a$ $hi i!ea fro% a ne, an#le0 The +ro*le% in1$ ;($
$ha$ i$1 a re,ar!0 The +ro*le% i $ha$ positive rein)orce-ent
exe-pli)ies the idea o) conditional parenting.
Thin& a*o($ i$7 Wha$1 $he %irror i%a#e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al)$ha$ i/
,i$hhol!in# affe.$ion ,hen &i! !o $hin# ,e !on1$ li&e@ I$ ,o(l! ha-e
$o *e #i-in# $he% affe.$ion ,hen $he' !o $hin# ,e do li&e7 +ro6-i!in#
i$ ele.$i-el'/ .on$in#en$l'/ of$en in $he e2+li.i$ ho+e of reinfor.6in# $ha$
*eha-ior0 Praie in1$ ;($ !ifferen$ fro% (n.on!i$ional lo-eN i$1 $he
+olar o++oi$e0 I$1 a ,a' of a'in# $o .hil!ren7 "Yo( ha-e $o ;(%+
$hro(#h %' hoo+ in or!er for %e $o e2+re (++or$ an! !eli#h$05
8arin# +aren$ are a$$en$i-e/ an! $he' of$en 9$ho(#h no$ al,a':
!e.ri*e o%e$hin# $he' no$i.e! $ha$ $he .hil! ha !one an! in-i$e hi% or
her $o refle.$ on i$ i%+li.a$ion0 B($ "Goo! ;o*45 in1$ a !e.ri+$ionN i$1 a
;(!#%en$0 An! $ha$ ha (ne$$lin# i%+li.a$ion for ho, .hil!ren are li&el'
$o +er.ei-e ho, ,e feel a*o($ $he%0 In$ea! of "I lo-e 'o(/5 ,ha$ +raie
%a' .o%%(ni.a$e i "I lo-e 'o( *e.a(e 'o(1-e !one ,ell05 I$1 no$
ne.ear' for ( $o say $ha$ in o %an' ,or!),hi.h/ of .o(re/ al%o$
no one !oe0 All $ha$1 re3(ire! i $ha$ ,e do i$)$ha$ i/ e2+re lo-e an!
ho, e2.i$e%en$ onl' (n!er .er$ain .on!i$ion0 9B' $he a%e $o&en/ lo-e
,i$h!ra,al of$en $a&e +la.e e-en $ho(#h $he +aren$ !oen1$ a.$(all' a'/
"I !on1$ lo-e 'o( *e.a(e 'o( ha-en1$ !one ,ell05 In *o$h .ae/ $he
%ea#e .o%e $hro(#h lo(! an! .lear an',a'0:
A fe, 'ear a#o/ ,hen %' ,ife an! I ,ere $r'in# $o hire a *a*'i$6
$er/ ,e %e$ a 'o(n# ,o%an ,ho .ri+l' (%%ariMe! her +hiloo+h' of
.hil! .are *' a'in#/ "Goo! *eha-ior #e$ %' a$$en$ion05 She +ro*6
a*l' %ean$ $o .on$ra$ $hi a++roa.h ,i$h one $ha$ fo.(e! on re+ri6
%an!in# .hil!ren for *a! *eha-ior0 B($ i%%e!ia$el' ,e &ne, ,e !i!n1$
,an$ her an',here near o(r &i!0 We !i!n1$ e-er ,an$ $he% $o $hin&
$ha$ $he a$$en$ion of a .are$a&er ,o(l! *e !ole! o($ in re+one $o
ho, $he' ha! a.$e!)in o$her ,or!/ $ha$ he ,o(l! loo& a$ $he% an!
li$en $o $he% onl' ,hen he !e.i!e! $he' ha! earne! i$0
I1% #ra$ef(l $o $hi ,o%an/ ho,e-er/ for hel+in# %e .larif' e2a.$l'
G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E
,ha$ I o*;e.$e! $o/ an! ,h'0 I alo a++re.ia$e a ee! $ha$ ,a +lan$e! *'
o%eone ele/ a ,o%an in $he a(!ien.e a$ a le.$(re I #a-e o%e $i%e
a#o0 I .an no lon#er re.all her na%e/ or e-en ,ha$ .i$' I ,a in0 All I
re%e%*er i $ha$ he ,al&e! (+ $o %e an! ai! $ha$ her .hil!1 .hool
ha! ;($ +reen$e! her ,i$h a *(%+er $i.&er $ha$ loo&e! li&e $hi7
I1M PROUD OF MY 8HILD
WHO WAS STUDENT OF THE MONTH
She $ol! %e $ha$ a oon a he #o$ ho%e/ he fo(n! a +air of
.ior/ ni++e! off $he *o$$o% half/ an! +a$e! on her .ar $he fi-e
,or! $ha$ re%aine!)$ha$ i/ ,ha$ ha! *een $he fir$ line0 Wi$h a
li$$le in#en(6i$'/ he no$ onl' rei$e! an in-i$a$ion $o *e a
.on!i$ional +aren$ *($ $(rne! i$ in$o an o++or$(ni$' $o affir% $he
(n.on!i$ionali$' of $he +ri!e he fel$ in her .hil!0
I ho(l! e%+haiMe a#ain $ha$ $here are no a*ol($e in h(%an
*eha-ior0 Whe$her +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ ha a !e$ri%en$al effe.$
9an!/ if o/ ho, !e$ri%en$al: %a' -ar' !e+en!in# on e-eral fa.$or0 I$
%a$$er ho% i$1 !one7 $he ,a' +raie i +hrae!/ $he $one of -oi.e
$ha$1 (e!/ ,he$her i$1 #i-en in +ri-a$e or in fron$ of o$her0 I$ %a$6
$er to %ho- i$1 !one7 The .hil!1 a#e an! $e%+era%en$ .o(n$/ a !o
o$her -aria*le0 An! i$ %a$$er %hy i$1 !one7 ,ha$ &in! of $hin# .hil6
!ren are +raie! for !oin# an! ,ha$ 'o(r +(r+oe i for +raiin#)or/
ra$her/ ,ha$ $he .hil! *elie-e 'o(r +(r+oe i0 There1 a !ifferen.e
*e$,een .on#ra$(la$in# &i! for a.$in# in a ,a' $ha$ %erel' %a&e
your life eaier 9for e2a%+le/ ea$in# nea$l': an! .on#ra$(la$in# $he%
for !oin# o%e$hin# $ha$1 #en(inel' i%+rei-e0 There1 a !ifferen.e
*e$,een e2+rein# +lea(re in re+one $o %in!le o*e!ien.e 9for
e2a%+le/ ,hen a .hil! follo, one of 'o(r r(le: an! e2+rein#
+lea6(re in re+one $o a reall' $ho(#h$f(l 3(e$ion0
I$1 +oi*le/ $hen/ $o fin! ,a' of %ini%iMin# $he ne#a$i-e effe.$ of
+raie0 B($ $he %(.h %ore i%+or$an$ +oin$ i $ha$ e-en *e$$er -er6ion
are $ill le $han i!eal0 9Tha$1 ,h' I1ll offer alternatives $o +raie in
.ha+$er J ra$her $han !ifferen$/ %a'*e li#h$l' le *a! ,a' of
EJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
+raiin#0: I$ i (rel' $r(e/ for e2a%+le/ $ha$ e2+rein# +on$aneo(
en$h(ia% a*o($ o%e$hin# .hil!ren ha-e !one i le o*;e.$iona*le
$han #i-in# $he% +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ in or!er $o #e$ $he% $o .han#e
$heir *eha-ior0 Onl' $he la$$er i in$en!e! a S&innerian %ani+(la$ion0
B($ $ha$ !oen1$ #(aran$ee $ha$ $he for%er ,ill *e har%le0
In o%e .ae/ "Goo! ,or& .olorin# ini!e $he line5)or/ for a
$eena#er/ "Goo! ,or& $a'in# in 'o(r lane5)%a' ;($ *e a ,a' of
.o%%(ni.a$in# infor%a$ion ra$her $han offerin# a -er*al in.en$i-e $o
re+ea$ $he *eha-ior0 B($ ,ha$1 $he infor%a$ion $ha$1 *ein# .o%%(6
ni.a$e!@ We1re no$ ;($ $ellin# $he .hil! ,ha$ he !i!N ,e1re $ellin# hi%
,e approve o) ,ha$ he !i!0 Will he ;($ infer $ha$ ,e1re ha++' for hi%/
$ha$ ,e1re ;oinin# hi% in .ele*ra$in# hi a..o%+lih%en$@ Tha$1 $he
*e$6.ae .enario0 B($ i$1 -er' ea' for hi% $o infer fro% a +a$$ern of
ele.$i-e reinfor.e%en$ $ha$ ,e a++ro-e of hi% onl' ,hen he !oe $he
$hin# ,e li&e0 9Loo& ho, e2.i$e! Da! #e$ ,hen I hi$ $he *all 0 0 0 an!
only ,hen I hi$ $he *all0:
Thi/ in $(rn/ of$en %or+h in$o .on!i$ional sel)6a++ro-al0 The
.hain %i#h$ +ro.ee! a follo,7 9A: "I li&e $he ,a' 'o(1-e !one
(.h6an!6(.h5 .an o(n! $o $he .hil! -er' %(.h li&e 9C: "I li&e you
*e.a(e 'o(1-e !one (.h6an!6(.h5)an! $ha$/ in $(rn/ %a' i%+l'
9E: "I don0t li&e 'o( ,hen 'o( !on1$ !o (.h6an!6(.h05 The la$
$e+ i for $he .hil! $o feel 9D: "I1% no$ li&a*le ,hen I !on1$ !o (.h6
an!6(.h05 If i$ +ro-e $o *e an e2a%+le of .on!i$ional +aren$in#/
$herefore/ +raie .an *e !an#ero( re#ar!le of $he %o$i-e of
$he +raie6#i-er/ an! e-en ,hen $here1 no !eli*era$e a$$e%+$ $o *e
.on$rollin#0 Thi i +ar$i.(6larl' $r(e if o(r +oi$i-e .o%%en$ an!
o$her e2+reion of lo-e are %o$l' reer-e! for $hoe o..aion
,hen $he .hil! !oe o%e$hin# $ha$ +leae (0
Yo( %a' ha-e en.o(n$ere! o%e +eo+le ,ho ee% $o hare $he .on.ern
a*o($ +raie offere! here/ *($ i$1 +oi*le $ha$ all $he'1re reall' o*;e.$6in# $o
i ho, o)ten ,e +raie &i!/ or ho, &i! !on1$ ha-e $o !o %(.h $hee !a' $o
eli.i$ a "Goo! ;o*45 There1 o%e $r($h $o $hi o*er-a$ion/
G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E
$o *e (re0 I1-e a.$(all' hear! +aren$ a$ a +la'#ro(n! .hir+/ "Goo!
,in#in#5 $o a $o!!ler0 9For Go!1 a&e/ i$1 #ra-i$'4: B($ I ha-e real .on6
.ern a*o($ $hi o*;e.$ion0 On one le-el/ i$ i%+l' %ie $he +oin$7 Po6
i$i-e reinfor.e%en$ in1$ o*;e.$iona*le ;($ *e.a(e i$1 offere! $oo
fre3(en$l' or $oo eail'0 The i(e are %(.h !ee+er $han $ha$0
On ano$her le-el/ $hi .ri$i.i% ha $he +o$en$ial $o %a&e $hin#
,ore0 So%eone ,ho anno(n.e $ha$ i$1 +oin$le $o #i-e &i! a +a$
on $he hea! for e-er' li$$le $hin# $he' !o ,ill $'+i.all' a!! $ha$ ,e
o(#h$ $o *e %ore ele.$i-e/ %ore !i.ri%ina$in# a*o($ +raiin#),hi.h
%ean $ha$ &i! ho(l! ha-e $o !o %ore $o earn o(r a++ro-al0 An! of
.o(re $ha$ %ean $ha$ o(r +aren$in# ,o(l! *e.o%e e-en %ore
.on!i$ional $han i$ alrea!' i0 Thee .ri$i. are +ro*a*l' .orre.$ $o
o*er-e $ha$ ,hen &i! are +raie! .on$an$l'/ i$ $(rn in$o
*a.&#ro(n! noie an! $he' *arel' e-en hear i$ an'%ore0 To ,hi.h ,e
%i#h$ re+l'7 Goo!4 I$1 ,hen +raie i $i%e! an! +hrae! for %a2i%(%
i%+a.$ $ha$ ,e reall' nee! $o ,orr'0 Tha$1 ,hen 9a$ lea$ fro% $he
.hil!1 +oin$ of -ie,: $he (n.on!i$ionali$' of o(r lo-e i %o$ in !o(*$0
Ba.& in $he AIHB/ a reear.her in Flori!a na%e! Mar' B(!!
Ro,e ,a in-e$i#a$in# .laroo% $ea.hin# $'le ,hen he
no$i.e! o%e6$hin# in$ere$in#0 8hil!ren ,ho ,ere fre3(en$l'
+raie! *' $heir $ea.h6er ee%e! %ore $en$a$i-e in $heir
re+one0 The' ,ere %ore li&el' $han o$her &i! $o an,er in a
3(e$ionin# $one of -oi.e 9"U%/ +ho6$o'n$hei@5:0 The' ,ere le
li&el' $o hare $heir i!ea ,i$h o$her $(6!en$ or $o $i.& ,i$h a $a&
on.e $he' $ar$e! i$0 An! $he' ,ere a+$ $o *a.& off fro% o%e$hin#
$he' ha! +ro+oe! a oon a $he $ea.her !ia#ree! ,i$h $he%0
AE
Thi $(!' .onfir%e! a $r($h $ha$ ,e .an o*er-e in o(r o,n
ho%e7 8hil!ren1 ene of $heir .o%+e$en.e/ an! +erha+ of $heir
,or$h/ %a' .o%e $o rie or fall a a re(l$ of o(r rea.$ion0 The' loo& $o
(/ fi#(ra$i-el' an! o%e$i%e li$erall'/ $o ee ,he$her ,e a++ro-e of
,ha$ $he'1-e !one0 9I$1 a li$$le li&e $o!!ler ,ho $a&e $heir .(e fro% (
,hen $he' fall !o,n/ ear.hin# o(r fa.e $o ee ,he$her $he'1-e h(r$
$he%el-e0 If ,e ee% !i$ra(#h$)"Oh/ %' Go!4 Hone'/ are 'o( all
ri#h$@5)$he'1re %ore li&el' $o *(r$ in$o $ear0:
DB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
A a re(l$ of +raie/ .hil!ren *e.o%e le a*le or ,illin# $o
$a&e +ri!e in $heir o,n a..o%+lih%en$)or $o !e.i!e ,ha$ is an
a..o%6+lih%en$0 In e2$re%e .ae/ $he' .an $(rn in$o "+raie
;(n&ie5 ,ho/ e-en a a!(l$/ .on$in(e $o rel' on o$her +eo+le for
-ali!a$ion/ feelin# $hrille! or .re$fallen !e+en!in# on ,he$her a
+o(e/ a (+er-ior/ or o%eone ele in ,ho% $he' ha-e -e$e!
+o,er $ell $he% $he'1-e !one a #oo! ;o*0
All 'o(n# .hil!ren ha-e a !ee+ nee! for $heir +aren$1 a++ro-al0
Tha$1 ,h' +raie of$en ",or&5 in $he hor$ r(n $o #e$ $he% $o !o ,ha$
,e ,an$0 B($ ,e ha-e a re+oni*ili$' $o a-oi! e2+loi$in# $heir
!e+en!en.e for o(r o,n .on-enien.e),hi.h i e2a.$l' ,ha$ ,e1re
!oin# ,hen ,e #i-e $he% a *i# %ile an! a' $hin# li&e "I reall' li&e
ho, fa$ 'o( #o$ rea!' for .hool $hi %ornin#45 Ki! %a' .o%e $o feel
%ani+(la$e! *' $hi "(#ar6.oa$e! .on$rol/5
AD
e-en if $he' .an1$ 3(i$e
e2+lain ,h'0 B($ ,he$her or no$ $he' .a$.h on an! re*el/ $here1
o%e$hin# !e.i!e!l' !i$a$ef(l a*o($ $he +ra.$i.e0 I$1 no$ all $ha$ !if6
feren$ fro% ,ai$in# (n$il 'o(r .hil! i $hir$' an! $hen #i-in# her ,a$er
onl' af$er he !oe o%e$hin# $o %a&e 'o(r life a li$$le eaier0
Wore/ +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ of$en .rea$e a -i.io( .ir.le $ha$1
re%ini.en$ of ,ha$ ,e fin! ,i$h lo-e ,i$h!ra,al7 The %ore ,e +raie/ $he
%ore o(r .hil!ren nee! $o *e +raie!0 The' ee% ine.(re/ $he' lon# for
ano$her +a$ on $he hea!N ,e #i-e i$ $o $he%/ an! $heir lon#in# onl'
in.reae0 8arol D,e.&/ a +'.holo#i$ a$ 8ol(%*ia Uni6-eri$'/ ha !one
o%e +reli%inar' reear.h $ha$ ee% $o %a&e ene of ,ha$1 #oin# on
here0 When ,e offer .o%%en$ $ha$ "i%+l' .on6$in#en$ re#ar! 9an! $h(
+re(%a*l' fo$er feelin# of .on$in#en$ ,or$h 0 0 0:/5 'o(n# .hil!ren $ar$
!i+la'in# i#n of hel+lene0 Po6i$i-e reinfor.e%en$ i a for% of
.on!i$ional lo-e/ an! D,e.& ar#(e $ha$ ,ha$ ,e1re a..e+$in# onl'
.on!i$ionall' in1$ ;($ a +ar$i.(lar .hara.$eri$i. or *eha-ior0 Ra$her/ $he
.hil! .o%e $o ee her ",hole elf5 a #oo! onl' ,hen he +leae $he
+aren$0 Tha$1 a +o,erf(l ,a' of under-ining elf6e$ee%0 The %ore ,e
a' "Goo! ;o*45 $he ,ore $he .hil! .o%e $o feel a*o($ hi%elf/ an! $he
%ore +raie he nee!0
AG
Na$(rall'/ $hi ho(l! %a&e ( &e+$i.al a*o($ an' .lai% $ha$ +raie
G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E
i fine *e.a(e &i! ee% $o ,an$ i$0 If 'o( nee! $o earn %one' an!
$he onl' ;o* a-aila*le i one in-ol-in# re+e$i$i-e/ %in!6n(%*in# la*or/
'o( %a' a..e+$ i$ a a la$ reor$0 B($ $ha$1 no$ an en!ore%en$ of
$hi &in! of ,or&0 I$ ;($ %ean ,e $a&e ,ha$ ,e .an #e$0 Wha$ &i!
reall' nee! i lo-e ,i$ho($ $rin# a$$a.he!0 B($ if all $ha$1 offere!)
$he onl' al$erna$i-e $o .ri$i.i% or ne#le.$)i a++ro-al *ae! on ,ha$
$he'1-e !one/ $he'1ll la+ $ha$ (+ an! $hen/ +erha+ -a#(el' (na$ifie!/
.o%e *a.& for %ore0 Sa!l'/ o%e +aren$ ,ho re.ei-e! $oo li$$le
(n.on!i6$ional lo-e ,hen $he' ,ere .hil!ren en! (+ %i!ia#noin# $he
+ro*6le% an! a(%e $ha$ i$ ,a +raie $he' la.&e!0 Then $he' "Goo!
;o*45 $heir o,n .hil!ren $o !ea$h/ en(rin# $ha$ ano$her #enera$ion fail
$o #e$ ,ha$1 reall' nee!e!0
Man' +aren$ ha-e $ol! %e $ha$ $hee i!ea are har! $o hear/
e+e.iall' for $he fir$ $i%e0 I$1 *a! eno(#h for o%eone $o (##e$
$ha$ 'o( %a' *e !oin# o%e$hin# ,ron# ,i$h 'o(r &i!/ *($ i$1
e-en ,ore $o *e $ol! $ha$ $he -er' $hin# 'o( +ri!e! 'o(relf for
!oin# ri#h$)(.h a +raiin# 'o(r .hil!ren o $he'1ll feel #oo!
a*o($ $he%el-e)%a' a.$(all' !o %ore har% $han #oo!0
So%e +eo+le/ I1-e fo(n!/ re+on! *' a&in#/ "Wha$1 $he al$erna6
$i-e@5 Tha$1 a +erfe.$l' reaona*le 3(e$ion/ a lon# a ,e1re e2+lor6
in# al$erna$i-e $o $he ,hole i!ea of .on!i$ional +aren$in# 9a I1ll !o
la$er: ra$her $han ;($ loo&in# for (+erfi.ial .han#e in ,ha$ ,e a' $o
&i!)a ne,/ i%+ro-e! -erion of +raie0
So%e +eo+le *e.o%e (n.o%for$a*le an! %a&e li$$le ner-o( ;o&e7
"Heh6heh0 I #(e I .an1$ $ell 'o( I li&e! 'o(r *oo&/ ri#h$/ *e.a(e $ha$
,o(l! *e +raiin# 'o(0 Heh6heh6heh05
AF
Tha$1 (n!er$an!a*le0 I$ $a&e a
,hile $o a..e+$ a ne, i!ea/ +ar$i.(larl' one $ha$ in-i$e ( $o re.oni!er
%(.h of ,ha$ ,e1-e *een !oin#/ an! ,ha$ ,e1-e *een a(%in#0 We
ha-e $o #e$ (e! $o i$/ $r' i$ o($/ an! !(rin# $he $rani6$ion +erio! o(r
!i.o%for$ %a' e2+re i$elf in a -arie$' of ,a'0
So%e +eo+le ,on!er ,he$her $he i%+li.a$ion i $ha$ $he'1re lo('
+aren$ *e.a(e $he' ha-e lon# relie! on lo-e ,i$h!ra,al an! +oi$i-e
DC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
reinfor.e%en$ 9e-en if $he' ne-er (e! $hoe la*el:0 In %o$
.ae/ $ho(#h/ $he reali$' i ;($ $ha$ no one ha e-er in-i$e! $he%
$o $hin& a*o($ $hin# $hi ,a' *efore/ or +reen$e! $he e-i!en.e $o
.hallen#e all $ha$ (n.ri$i.al a!-i.e ,e .on$an$l' hear $o +raie
.hil!ren %ore or #i-e $he% $i%e6o($0
So%e +eo+le/ ho,e-er/ !on1$ a& for (##e$ion/ or $r' $o *e f(nn'/
or ,orr'0 In$ea!/ $he' *r(h off $hee .ri$i.i%/ +oin$in# o($ 9,i$h o%e
;($ifi.a$ion: $ha$ in $he lar#er .he%e of $hin#/ ,e .o(l! !o a lo$ ,ore
$o o(r &i! $han e2+re en$h(ia% a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1-e !one0 In!ee!/ a
lo$ ,ore is !one $o .hil!ren e-er' !a'0 B($ $ha$1 no$ a +ro+er *ai for
.o%+arion)a$ lea$/ no$ for an'one ,ho ,an$ $o *e $he *e$ +aren$ he
or he .an *e0 The +oin$ i $ha$ ,e .an !o *e$$er0
The &el)-Estee- Controversy
Lo-e ,i$h!ra,al an! +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ .an +ro!(.e a n(%*er of
!i$(r*in# o($.o%e/ fro% a feelin# of hel+lene $o an
(n,illin#ne $o hel+ o$her/ an! 9on.e .hil!ren are #ro,n: fro% a
fear of a*an6!on%en$ $o a reen$%en$ of $heir +aren$0 B($ one re(l$
$ha$ $hrea! i$ ,a' $hro(#h $he (%%arie of reear.h fin!in# in $hi
.ha+$er an! $he +re.e!in# one ha $o !o ,i$h $he ,a' +eo+le
(*;e.$e! $o .on!i6$ional +aren$in# .o%e $o re#ar! $he%el-e0
The ((al $er% for $hi i/ of .o(re/ sel)-estee-, ,hi.h ha *een
o%e$hin# of a *(MM,or! o-er $he la$ fe, !e.a!e0 Before ,ra++in# (+
$hi .ha+$er/ I ,an$ $o +en! a fe, +a#e +arin# $hi .on.e+$ *e.a(e
i$1 3(i$e rele-an$ $o $he i!ea of .on!i$ional +aren$in#0 A n(%6*er of +eo+le
in $he fiel! of +'.holo#' an! e!(.a$ion/ an! e+e.iall' $hoe ,ho are
ao.ia$e! ,i$h ,ha$ ha *een .alle! $he elf6hel+ %o-e6%en$/ ee% $o
*elie-e $ha$ hi#h elf6e$ee% i #oo!/ lo, i *a!/ an! $ha$ *' raiin#
o%eone1 le-el of elf6e$ee% ,e a($o%a$i.all' *rin# a*o($ a ran#e of
*enefi.ial effe.$7 a.a!e%i. a.hie-e%en$/ .on$r(.6$i-e life .hoi.e/ an!
o on0 On $he o$her han!/ elf6e$ee% ha *e.o%e a li#h$nin# ro! for
o.ial .oner-a$i-e/ a hor$han! for e-er'$hin# $he'
G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E
ee a %i#(i!e! a*o($ o(r o.ie$' an! +ar$i.(larl' o(r .hool0
M' o,n -ie, i $ha$ $here are real +ro*le% ,i$h *o$h +oi$ion0 I
.on!(.$e! a fairl' e2$eni-e re-ie, of $he reear.h a fe, 'ear *a.&
AH
an! !i.o-ere!/ o%e,ha$ $o %' (r+rie/ $ha$ hi#her elf6e$ee%
in1$ al,a' a..o%+anie! *' *e$$er o($.o%e an! $ha$ e-en ,hen i$
i/ $hi !oen1$ %ean i$ caused $hoe *e$$er o($.o%e0
B($ $ha$ !oen1$ lea-e %e in $he .a%+ of $he "an$i6elf6e$ee%er/5
,ho are .on$e%+$(o( of $he ,hole .on.e+$0 So%e of $he% $a&e $hi
-ie, *e.a(e $he' *elie-e $ha$ if .hil!ren are *ai.all' ha++' ,i$h
$he%el-e/ $he'1ll ha-e no %o$i-a$ion $o a.hie-e an'$hin#0 If $heir
a$$en$ion i fo.(e! on $he -al(e of ,ho $he' are/ ra$her $han on ,ha$
$he' !o/ $hen $he' +ro*a*l' ,on1$ !o -er' %(.h0 Yo( ha-e $o feel !i6
a$ifie! in or!er $o learn or +ro!(.e0 No +ain/ no #ain0
Thi +ro+oi$ion re$ on e-eral fa(l$' +re%ie/ ,hi.h I1ll +ell
o($ in .ha+$er G0 For $he %o%en$/ $ho(#h/ I ,an$ $o .all a$$en$ion $o $he
fa.$ $ha$/ ,hile %an' of $hee .ri$i. .lai% $ha$ hi#her elf6e$ee%
!oen1$ +ro!(.e an' *enefi$/ $he .ore of $heir ar#(%en$ i reall' $ha$
i$1 ;($ a *a! $hin#/ re#ar!le of i$ effe.$0 For $he%/ $he na$ie$
+o6i*le e+i$he$ i )eel-good, (##e$in# $ha$ $he' *elie-e $here i
o%e$hin# f(n!a%en$all' (+e.$ a*o($ *ein# +leae! ,i$h oneelf0
L(r&in# ;($ *elo, $he (rfa.e of $heir +ole%i. i $he fear $ha$
.hil!ren %a' en! (+ *ein# .on$en$ ,i$ho($ ha-in# earne! $he ri#h$ $o
feel $ha$ ,a'0 Here ,e ha-e lef$ $he ,orl! of e-i!en.e an! en$ere!
9$hro(#h $he *a.& !oor: $he real% of %orali$i. fir$ +rin.i+le0 I$ i a
+la.e of +(ri$ani.al fer6-or/ ,here +eo+le ho(l! no$ *e +er%i$$e! $o
ea$ e2.e+$ *' $he ,ea$ of $heir *ro, an! .hil!ren %($ no$ $hin& ,ell
of $he%el-e (n$il $he' .an +oin$ $o o%e $an#i*le a..o%+lih%en$0
In o$her ,or!/ ,ha$ $he .oner-a$i-e are a$$a.&in# i reall'
unconditional elf6e$ee%0 Ye$ reear.her are .o%in# $o realiMe $ha$ i$1
+re.iel' $hi !i%enion $ha$ i .ri$i.al $o +re!i.$in# $he 3(ali$' of +eo+le1
li-e0 If ,e1re in$ere$e! in o%eone1 %en$al heal$h/ $he rel6e-an$
3(e$ion %a' no$ *e ho, %(.h elf6e$ee% he ha0 Ra$her/ i$1 ho,
%(.h her elf6e$ee% varies !e+en!in# on ,ha$1 #oin# on in her life)for
e2a%+le/ ho, (..ef(l he i or ,ha$ o$her +eo+le $hin& of
DD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
her0 The real +ro*le% %a' no$ *e elf6e$ee% $ha$1 $oo lo, 9"I
!on1$ feel -er' #oo! a*o($ %'elf5:/ *($ elf6e$ee% $ha$1 $oo
.on$in#en$ 9"I feel #oo! a*o($ %'elf onl' ,hen 0 0 05:0
AJ
E!,ar! De.i an! Ri.har! R'an/ $,o reear.h +'.holo#i$ ,ho
ha-e (n!er.ore! $he i%+or$an.e of $hi !i$in.$ion/ a.&no,le!#e $ha$
e-en +eo+le ,i$h o%e$hin# .loe $o "$r(e5)or (n.on!i$ional)elf6
e$ee% ",o(l! +ro*a*l' feel +leae! or e2.i$e! ,hen $he' (..ee!
an! !ia++oin$e! ,hen $he' fail0 B($ $heir feelin# of ,or$h a +eo+le
,o(l! no$ fl(.$(a$e a a f(n.$ion of $hoe a..o%+lih%en$/ o $he'
,o(l! no$ feel a##ran!iMe! an! (+erior ,hen $he' (..ee! or
!e+ree! an! ,or$hle ,hen $he' fail05
AI
Tha$ e2$re%e fl(.$(a$ion i onl' $he *e#innin# of $he
.one3(en.e of *ain# one1 ene of ,or$h on li-in# (+ $o a e$ of
e2+e.$a$ion/ ei$her o$her +eo+le1 or one1 o,n0 A *ran!6ne, $(!'
fin! $ha$ .on6$in#en$ elf6e$ee% i rela$e! $o "a #rea$er li&elihoo! of
!rin&in# a a %ean of #ainin# o.ial a++ro-al or a-oi!in# o.ial
re;e.$ion5 a%on# .olle#e $(!en$0 O$her reear.h lin& i$ $o an2ie$'/
ho$ili$'/ an! !efen6i-ene0 S(.h +eo+le %a' lah o($ ,hen $heir
elf6e$ee% i $hrea$6ene!/ ,hi.h .an ha++en re#(larl'0 Or $he' %a'
*e.o%e !e+ree! an! $a&e ref(#e in elf6!e$r(.$i-e *eha-ior0 If
$he' feel #oo! a*o($ $he%6el-e onl' ,hen $he' $hin& $he' look #oo!/
$he' *e.o%e (.e+$i*le $o ea$in# !ior!er0
CB
B' .on$ra$/ (n.on!i$ional elf6e$ee%/ $he -er' or$ $ha$1 %o$ li&el'
$o *e ri!i.(le! in o%e 3(ar$er/ $(rn o($ $o *e $he *e$ #oal $o hoo$
for0
CA
Peo+le ,ho/ a a r(le/ !on1$ $hin& $heir -al(e hin#e on $heir
+erfor%an.e are %ore li&el' $o ee fail(re a ;($ a $e%+orar' e$*a.&/ a
+ro*le% $o *e ol-e!0 The' alo ee% le li&el' $o *e an2io( or
!e+ree!0
CC
An! one %ore $hin#7 The'1re le li&el' $o *e .on.erne!
a*o($ $he ,hole i(e of elf6e$ee%4 S+en!in# $i%e e-al(a$in# ho, #oo!
'o( are/ or !eli*era$el' $r'in# $o feel *e$$er a*o($ 'o(relf/ no$ onl'
!oen1$ $en! $o ,or& -er' ,ell/ *($ %a' *e a *a! i#n0 I$1 a %ar&er for
o$her +ro*le%)+e.ifi.all'/ an in!i.a$ion $ha$ 'o(r elf6,or$h i
-(lnera*le an! .on$in#en$0 "Th(/ a +ara!o2 of elf6e$ee%7 If 'o( nee! i$/
'o( !on1$ ha-e i$/ an! if 'o( ha-e i$/ 'o( !on1$ nee! i$05
CE
G I V I N G A N D W I T H H O L D I N G L O V E
So/ ,ha$ lea! +eo+le $o !e-elo+ $hi (nha++' .on!i$ion of
.on6$in#en$ elf6e$ee%@ Un!er ,ha$ .ir.(%$an.e !o $he' .o%e
$o $hin& of $he%el-e a #oo! onl' i) . . . @ One li&el' .a(e i
.o%+e$i$ion7 +la.in# o%eone in a i$(a$ion ,here one +eron .an
(..ee! onl' if o$her fail/ an! ,here #lor' i reer-e! onl' for $he
,inner0 Thi i an e2.ellen$ ,a' $o (n!er%ine +eo+le1 fai$h in
$he%el-e an! $o $ea.h $ha$ one i ,or$h,hile onl' if one
$ri(%+h0
CD
There1 alo reaon $o $hin& $ha$ .on$in#en$ elf6e$ee%
.an re(l$ fro% a $'le of +aren$in# in ,hi.h .hil!ren are
o-er.on$rolle!/ a I1ll e2+lain in $he follo,in# .ha+$er0
Mo$ of all/ $ho(#h/ .on$in#en$ elf6e$ee% ee% $o re(l$ fro%
*ein# e$ee%e! .on$in#en$l' *' o$her0 An! $hi *rin# ( *a.& $o
,here ,e $ar$e!7 When .hil!ren feel $he'1re lo-e! *' $heir +aren$
onl' (n!er .er$ain .on!i$ion)a feelin# $'+i.all' e-o&e! *' $he
(e of lo-e6,i$h!ra,al $e.hni3(e an! +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$)i$1
-er' har! for $he% $o a..e+$ $he%el-e0 An! e-er'$hin# #oe
!o,nhill fro% $here0
E
TOO MU8H 8ONTROL
O
ne re.en$ af$ernoon/ %' ,ife ,al&e! in $he !oor ,i$h o(r .hil6!ren/
freh fro% a $ri+ $o $he +ar&0 She ,a ha&in# her hea! an! +($$erin#7 "I
.an1$ believe $he ,a' o%e of $hoe +aren$ $al& $o $heir &i!)o
!e#ra!in# an! ho$ile0 Wh' !o $he' e-en *o$her $o have &i!@5 Ha-in#
rea.$e! $he a%e ,a' %'elf %ore $han on.e/ I !e.i!e! $o *e#in ,ri$in#
!o,n o%e of ,ha$ ,e hear! an! a, aro(n! $o,n0 Wi$hin a fe, !a'/ I
ha! re.or!e! $hee in.i!en$/ a%on# %an' o$her7
• A $o!!ler ,a harhl' re+ri%an!e! for $hro,in# a $(ffe!
*ear in $he .hil!ren1 area of $he +(*li. li*rar'/ e-en $ho(#h
no one ele ,a in $he -i.ini$'0
• A .hil! ,ho ha! *een a&in# for a .oo&ie in $he (+er%ar&e$
no$i.e! $ha$ ano$her li$$le *o' ,a ea$in# one0 When he
+oin$e! $hi o($ $o hi %o$her/ he $ol! hi%/ "Well/ $ha$1
+ro*a*l' *e.a(e he (e $he +o$$'05
• A li$$le *o' #a-e a lo(! ,hoo+ of !eli#h$ ,hile ;(%+in# off a
+la'#ro(n! ,in#/ an! hi %o$her hie!/ "S$o+ $ha$ foolih6
ne ri#h$ no,4 No %ore ,in# for 'o( $o!a'0 On.e %ore
an! 'o( #o on $i%e6o($05
• A$ $he ,a$er $a*le in $he .hil!ren1 %(e(%/ a %o$her $rie! $o
TO O M U 8 H 8 O N T R O L DH
+re-en$ her 'o(n# on fro% !oin# -ario( $hin# *' falel'
.lai%in# $ha$ i#n +o$e! in $he area +e.ifi.all' +rohi*i$e!
,ha$e-er he ,a (+ $o)for e2a%+le/ "Tha$ i#n a' no$ $o
+lah05 When he a&e! ,h'/ he re+lie!/ "I$ ;($ !oe05
I #a-e (+ %' no$e6$a&in# +ro;e.$ *efore lon#0 A+ar$ fro% $he heer
n(%*er of $hee in.i!en$/ $he' ,ere fairl' i%ilar $o one ano$her/ an!
re.or!in# $he% 3(i.&l' .a%e $o ee% re!(n!an$/ no$ $o %en$ion
!e+rein#0 O-er an! o-er/ ,e ,i$nee! +aren$ on $he +la'#ro(n!
a*r(+$l' anno(n.in# i$ ,a $i%e $o #o/ o%e$i%e e-en #ra**in# $he
.hil! *' $he ar%0 9If he .rie!/ $hi ,a ((all' a$$ri*($e! $o her *ein#
"$ire!05: We ,a$.he! +aren$ !oin# an (n,i$$in# i%i$a$ion of an ar%'
er#ean$ in$i%i!a$in# hi $roo+/ noe $o noe/ fin#er $a**in# $he air
onl' in.he fro% $he .hil!1 fa.e/ hollerin#0 An! ho, of$en a$ re$a(6
ran$ ha! ,e een +aren$ f(in# a$ $heir &i!).orre.$in# $heir %an6
ner/ re+ri%an!in# $he% a*o($ $heir +o$(re/ .o%%en$in# on ,ha$
9an! ho, %(.h: $he' ,ere ea$in#/ an! #enerall' %a&in# !inner$i%e
o%e$hin# fro% ,hi.h $he .hil!ren .o(l!n1$ ,ai$ $o e.a+e0 9No ,on6
!er o %an' &i! aren1$ h(n#r' !(rin# fa%il' %eal/ *($ !e-elo+ an
a++e$i$e a hor$ $i%e la$er0:
Le$ %e a(re 'o( $ha$ I ,a a lo$ %ore ;(!#%en$al *efore I
ha! .hil!ren of %' o,n0 Un$il 'o(1-e +(he! 'o(r o,n $roller/ 'o(
!on1$ reall' (n!er$an! ho, +eo+le $hi $in' .an %ana#e $o +(h
'o(r *($6$on an! a+ 'o(r +a$ien.e0 9Of .o(re/ nei$her are 'o(
a*le $o a++re6.ia$e $he $ran.en!en$ %o%en$ of !eli#h$ $he' .an
+ro-i!e0: Tha$1 o%e$hin# I $r' har! $o &ee+ in %in! ,hen I ,in.e
a$ ano$her +aren$1 *eha-ior0 An! I re%in! %'elf $ha$ I1% i#noran$
a*o($ $he hi$or' of ea.h fa%il' I1-e o*er-e! for a fe, %in($e)
,ha$ $he +aren$ %i#h$ ha-e *een $hro(#h $ha$ %ornin# an! ,ha$
$he .hil! !i! ;($ *efore I ha++ene! on $he .ene0
S$ill0 De+i$e all $he allo,an.e ,e .are $o %a&e/ an! all $he 3(al6
ifi.a$ion ,e %i#h$ ,an$ $o offer/ $here1 a #eneral $r($h here7 For e-er'
e2a%+le of a .hil! ,ho i +er%i$$e! $o r(n ,il! in a +(*li. +la.e/ $here are
h(n!re! of e2a%+le of .hil!ren *ein# re$ri.$e! (nne.earil'/
DJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
'elle! a$/ $hrea$ene!/ or *(llie! *' $heir +aren$N .hil!ren ,hoe
+ro$e$ are ro($inel' i#nore! an! ,hoe 3(e$ion are !i%ie!
o($ of han!N .hil!ren ,ho ha-e *e.o%e a..($o%e! $o hearin# an
a($o6%a$i. "No45 in re+one $o $heir re3(e$/ an! a "Be.a(e I
ai! o45 if $he' a& for a reaon0
Don1$ $a&e %' ,or! for i$0 Pre$en! 'o(1re an an$hro+olo#i$ an!
reall' ,a$.h ,ha$1 ha++enin# $he ne2$ $i%e 'o(1re a$ a +la'#ro(n!
or a ho++in# %all or a *ir$h!a' +ar$'0 Yo( ,on1$ ee an'$hin# 'o(
ha-en1$ een *efore/ *($ 'o( %a' *e#in $o no$i.e !e$ail $o ,hi.h
'o( ha!n1$ reall' +ai! a$$en$ion0 8er$ain #eneraliMa$ion a*o($ ,ha$
'o(1re ,i$nein# %a' (##e$ $he%el-e0 B($ *e,are7 I$1 no$
al,a' +lea6an$ $o *e.o%e %ore eni$iMe! $o ,ha$1 aro(n! 'o(0
Wa$.h $oo .are6f(ll' an! +re$$' oon a !a' a$ $he +ar& i no !a' a$
$he +ar&0 A one 8alifornia %o$her ,ro$e $o %e7
Ha-e 'o( *een $o $he #ro.er' $ore la$el'@ I$ ha *e.o%e %ore
+ainf(l $han i$1 e-er *een4 =Wa$.hin#> +aren$ (e *ri*e/
h(%ilia$ion/ +(nih%en$/ re,ar!/ an! #enerall' a*(i-e $a.$i. i
al%o$ (n*eara*le0 Wha$1 ha++ene! $o %' lo-el' %en$al
*lo.&@ 0 0 0 E-er' "If 'o( !on1$ e$$le !o,n/ ,e1re ne-er .o%in# $o
$he $ore a#ain45 an! "If 'o( $o+ .rea%in#/ ,e1ll #o for i.e
.rea%/ ,ee$ie45 $hrea$en $o (ffo.a$e %e0 Ho,/ I ,on!er/ !i! I
%ana#e $o $(ne i$ o($ *efore@
* O O
Thin& a#ain a*o($ $he -ario( $e.hni3(e of .on!i$ional +aren$in#
!e.ri*e! in $he la$ $,o .ha+$er0 One reaon $he'1re o har%f(l
ha $o !o ,i$h $he .hil!1 e2+erien.e of feelin# .on$rolle!0 An! i$
,or& $he o$her ,a' aro(n!/ $oo7 When ,e (e +(nih%en$ an!
re,ar! an! o$her $ra$e#ie $o %ani+(la$e .hil!ren1 *eha-ior/
$he' %a' .o%e $o feel $he'1re lo-e! onl' ,hen $he' .onfor% $o o(r
!e%an!0 8on!i6$ional +aren$in# .an *e $he .one3(en.e of
.on$rol e-en if i$ ,an1$ $he in$en$ion/ an!/ .on-erel'/ .on$rol .an
hel+ $o e2+lain $he !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ of .on!i$ional +aren$in#0
TO O M U 8 H 8 O N T R O L DI
B($ e2.ei-e .on$rol i a +ro*le% in i$ o,n ri#h$/ ,hi.h i ,h' i$
%eri$ i$ o,n .ha+$er0 An! i$1 no$ li%i$e! $o an' +e.ifi. for% of
!i.i+line/ $o a $i%e6o($ or a $ar .har$/ a +an&in# or a "Goo! ;o*/5 a
+ri-ile#e !an#le! or a +ri-ile#e na$.he! a,a'0 Re+la.in# one %e$ho!
,i$h ano$her ,on1$ ha-e %(.h effe.$ if ,e fail $o #ra++le ,i$h $hi
*ai. fa.$7 The do-inant proble- %ith parenting in our society isn0t
per-issiveness, but the )ear o) per-issiveness. We1re o ,orrie!
a*o($ +oilin# &i! $ha$ ,e of$en en! (+ o-er.on$rollin# $he%0
Gran$e!/ o%e &i! are +oile!)an! o%e &i! are ne#le.$e!0
B($ $he i(e $ha$1 %(.h le .o%%onl' !i.(e! i $he e+i!e%i. of
%i.ro%ana#in# .hil!ren/ a.$in# a $ho(#h $he' ,ere ,holl' o,ne!
(*i!iarie of (0 Th(/ one .ri$i.al 3(e$ion/ $o ,hi.h I1ll re$(rn la$er/
i ho, ,e .an offer #(i!an.e an! e$ li%i$ 9*o$h of ,hi.h are ne.e6
ar': ,i$ho($ o-er!oin# $he .on$rol0 Fir$/ $ho(#h/ ,e ha-e $o *e .lear
a*o($ $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h ,e %a' in!ee! *e o-er!oin# i$/ an! ,h'
$ha$1 a $e%+$a$ion ,e nee! $o rei$0
The ,a' %an' &i! are $rea$e! (##e$ a la.& of re+e.$ for $heir
nee! an! +referen.e)in fa.$/ a la.& of re+e.$ for .hil!ren/ +erio!0
A lo$ of +aren$ a.$ a $ho(#h $he' *elie-e $ha$ &i! !on1$ deserve
re+e.$ in $he ,a' a!(l$ !o0 Man' 'ear a#o/ $he +'.holo#i$ Hai%
Gino$$ in-i$e! ( $o .oni!er $he ,a' ,e %i#h$ rea.$ if o(r .hil! a..i6
!en$all' lef$ *ehin! o%e i$e% $ha$ *elon#e! $o hi% or her)an! $hen
$o .on$ra$ $ha$ ,i$h $he ,a' ,e %i#h$ rea.$ if a .hroni.all' for#e$6f(l
frien! of o(r !i! $he a%e $hin#0 Fe, of ( ,o(l! $hin& of *era$6in#
ano$her a!(l$ in $he $one $ha$ i ro($inel' (e! ,i$h &i!7 "Wha$ i $he
-atter ,i$h 'o(@ Ho, %an' $i%e !o I ha-e $o re%in! 'o( $o loo&
aro(n! for all 'o(r $hin# *efore 'o( lea-e@ Do 'o( $hin& I ha-e
no$hin# *e$$er $o !o $han 0 0 05 an! o on0 Wi$h an a!(l$/ ,e1! *e %ore
li&el' $o a'/ i%+l'/ "Here1 'o(r (%*rella05
A
So%e +aren$ in$erfere *' for.e of ha*i$/ *ar&in# o($ "S$o+ r(n6nin#45
e-en ,hen $here1 li$$le ri& of in;(r' $o +eron or +ro+er$'0 So%e a.$ a
$ho(#h $he'1re $r'in# $o r(* a .hil!1 fa.e in hi o,n +o,erle6ne an!
ho, hi% ,ho1 *o0 9"Be.a(e I1% $he %o%%'/ $ha$1 ,h'45 "M' ho(e/
%' r(le45: So%e $r' $o .on$rol .hil!ren ,i$h +h'i.al for.e/
GB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
,hile o$her +refer #(il$ 9"Af$er all I1-e !one for 'o(4 Yo(1re *rea&in# %'
hear$0 0 0 05:0 So%e +aren$ na# &i! .on$in(o(l'/ e%i$$in# a $ea!' h(%
of re%in!er an! .ri$i.i%0 O$her #i-e no e-i!en.e of o*;e.$in# $o ,ha$
$heir .hil!ren are !oin# (n$il/ ee%in#l' o($ of no,here/ $he' e2+lo!eN an
in-ii*le $ri+,ire ha *een .roe!),hi.h %a' ha-e %ore $o !o ,i$h $he
a!(l$1 %oo! $han ,i$h $he .hil!1 *eha-ior)an! (!6!enl' $he +aren$
*e.o%e f(rio( an! fri#h$enin#l' .oer.i-e0
O*-io(l'/ no$ all +aren$ !o all $hee $hin#/ an! o%e ne-er !o an'
of $he%0 S$(!ie ha-e ho,n $ha$ .hil!6rearin# *elief an! *eha-6ior
$en! $o -ar' on $he *ai of .(l$(re/ .la/ ra.e/ an! ho, %(.h +re(re
$he +aren$ $he%el-e are e2+erien.in#/ a%on# o$her fa.$or0 9See $he
A++en!i2 for %ore on $hee $o+i.0: Reear.her alo a(re ( $ha$
%o$ +aren$ !on1$ (e a in#le !i.i+line $'le a.ro $he *oar!N $he'
$en! $o re+on! !ifferen$l' $o !ifferen$ &in! of %i*eha-ior0
C
B($ +erha+ $he %ore in$ere$in# 3(e$ion i ho, +aren$ .o%e $o
!e.i!e ,ha$ .on$i$($e "%i*eha-ior5 in $he fir$ +la.e0 So%e re#(6
larl' a++l' $ha$ .on.e+$ $o ,ha$ 'o( or I ,o(l! re#ar! a inno.(o(
a.$ion)an! $hen .ra.& !o,n on $heir .hil!ren0
E
Thi %a' *e +ar$ of
,ha$ i o%e$i%e .alle! an "a($hori$arian5 $'le of raiin# &i!0 S(.h
+aren$ are %ore $ri.$ an! !e%an!in# $han $he' are a..e+$in# an!
en.o(ra#in#0 The' rarel' offer e2+lana$ion or ;($ifi.a$ion for $he
r(le $he' i%+oe0 The' no$ onl' e2+e.$ a*ol($e o*e!ien.e/ an! (e
+(nih%en$ freel' $o o*$ain i$/ *($ alo *elie-e i$1 %ore i%+or$an$ for
.hil!ren $o .o%+l' ,i$h a($hori$' $han $o $hin& for $he%el-e or
e2+re $heir o+inion0 The' ini$ $ha$ &i! nee! $o *e .aref(ll' %on6
i$ore!/ an! ,hen a r(le i *ro&en),hi.h ;($ .onfir% $heir !ar& (6
+i.ion a*o($ ,ha$ .hil!ren are reall' li&e)a($hori$arian +aren$ $en!
$o a(%e $he .hil! !eli*era$el' .hoe $o *rea& i$/ irre+e.$i-e of hi or
her a#e/ an! no, %($ *e hel! a..o(n$a*le0
Di$(r*in#l'/ $hee a%e $he%e of "(*er-ien.e $o $he !e%an!
of $he +aren$ an! 0 0 0 an earl' (++reion of i%+(le no$ a..e+$6
a*le $o $he%5 ho, (+ in a .lai. +o$QWorl! War II reear.h +ro;6e.$
$ha$ ,a !ei#ne! $o e2+lore $he +'.holo#i.al (n!er+innin# of
fa.i% an!/ in +ar$i.(lar/ $he .hil!hoo! of in!i-i!(al ,ho #ro, (+
TO O M U 8 H 8 O N T R O L GA
ha$in# ,hole #ro(+ of +eo+le an! ee% $o *e infa$(a$e! ,i$h +o,er0
D
Of .o(re/ $hi re+reen$ $he o($er e!#e of $he .on$rol +e.$r(%0
I$1 na$(ral/ (+on hearin# a*o($ (.h e2$re%e .ae/ $o a'/ "Well/
o*-io(l' $ha$ !oen1$ !e.ri*e %e0 I1% no$ an a($hori$arian/ nor
,o(l! I .rea% a$ %' .hil! on $he +la'#ro(n! for ha-in# a #oo!
$i%e05 B($ al%o$ e-er'one #i-e in $o $he i%+(le $o o-er.on$rol/
a$ lea$ on o..aion0 So%e !o o a a re(l$ of $heir .on-i.$ion $ha$
.hil6!ren %($ learn $o !o ,ha$ $he'1re $ol! 9an!/ af$er all/ a!(l$
&no, *e$$er $han &i!/ !on1$ $he'@:0 So%e +eo+le ha-e .on$rollin#
+eron6ali$ie an! !e-elo+e! $he ha*i$ of i%+oin# $heir ,ill on
$heir .hil!ren a$ $he -er' *e#innin#0
G
O$her ;($ *e.o%e !e+era$e
no, an! $hen/ +ar$i.(larl' in re+one $o a .hil!1 a.$ of !efian.e0
An! %an' +aren$ are $r(l' .on.erne! a*o($ $heir .hil!ren1 ,ell6
*ein# *($ ha-e ne-er .oni!ere! $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ ,ha$ $he'1-e
*een !oin# .on$i$($e e2.ei-e an! .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e .on$rol0
I$1 ea' for %o$ of ( $o o*er-e Ba! Paren$in# on Para!e/ $o
,a$.h +eo+le ,ho are %(.h %ore .on$rollin# $han ,e are/ an! $o
$a&e .o%for$ fro% a'in#/ "A$ lea$ I1! ne-er !o $ha$05 B($ $he real
.hal6len#e i $o refle.$ on $he $hin# ,e have *een &no,n $o !o
an! a& ,he$her $he'1re reall' in o(r .hil!ren1 *e$ in$ere$0
Which ids Do What They0re Told9
Le$1 +($ ai!e for $he %o%en$ $he a%*i$io( #oal ,e ha-e for o(r
.hil!ren an! ;($ fo.( on ,ha$ lea! $he% $o .o%+l' ,i$h o(r re3(e$0 If
all ,e .are! a*o($ ,a #e$$in# $he% $o !o o%e$hin#/ or $o $o+ !oin#
o%e$hin#/ ri#h$ no,/ ,hile ,e1re $an!in# $here/ $hen ,e1! ha-e $o a!%i$
$ha$ i$ o%e$i%e ,or& $o (e o(r +o,er $o .oer.e $ha$ *eha-ior)for
e2a%+le/ *' $hrea$enin#/ +(nihin#/ or lo(!l' !e%an!in#0
F
B($ onl'
o%e$i%e0 On *alan.e/ $he &i! ,ho !o ,ha$ $he'1re $ol! are li&el' $o *e
$hoe ,hoe +aren$ don0t rel' on +o,er an! in$ea! ha-e !e-elo+e! a
,ar% an! e.(re rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $he%0 The' ha-e +aren$ ,ho $rea$
$he% ,i$h re+e.$/ %ini%iMe $he (e of
GC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
.on$rol/ an! %a&e a +oin$ of offerin# reaon an! e2+lana$ion for
,ha$ $he' a&0
The reear.her in one .lai. $(!' *e#an *' !i$in#(ihin#
*e$,een $he or$ of +aren$ ,ho i eni$i-e/ a..e+$in#/ an!
.oo+era$i-e/ an! $he or$ ,ho a(%e "he ha a +erfe.$ ri#h$ $o !o
,i$h =her .hil!> ,ha$ he ,ihe/ i%+oin# her ,ill on hi/ ha+in# hi%
$o her $an!ar!/ an! in$err(+$in# hi% ar*i$raril' ,i$ho($ re#ar! for hi
nee!/ ,ihe/ or a.$i-i$'6in6+ro#re05 Lo an! *ehol!/ i$ ,a $he
%o$her in $he fir$ .a$6e#or')$hoe ,ho ,ere le .on$rollin#)
,hoe -er' 'o(n# .hil!ren ,ere li&el' $o !o ,ha$ $he' ,ere $ol!0
H
In a e.on! $(!'/ $he $,o6'ear6ol! ,ho ,ere %o$ li&el' $o .o%6
+l' ,i$h a +e.ifi. re3(e$ $(rne! o($ $o *e $hoe ,hoe +aren$ ",ere
-er' .lear a*o($ ,ha$ $he' ,an$e!/ *($ in a!!i$ion $o li$enin# $o $heir
.hil!ren1 o*;e.$ion/ $he' alo a..o%%o!a$e! $he% in ,a' $ha$ .on6
-e'e! re+e.$ for $he .hil!ren1 a($ono%' an! in!i-i!(ali$'05
J
A $hir! $(!' raie! $he $a&e a *i$ *' fo.(in# on +re.hooler ,ho
ha! *een i!en$ifie! a (n((all' !efian$0 So%e of $heir %o$her ,ere
a&e! $o +la' ,i$h $he% a $he' ((all' !i!/ ,hile o$her ,ere $raine! $o
"en#a#e in an' a.$i-i$' $ha$ $he .hil! %i#h$ .hooe an! $o allo, $he .hil!
$o .on$rol $he na$(re an! r(le of $he in$era.$ion05 The' ,ere a&e! $o
refrain fro% .o%%an!in#/ .ri$i.iMin#/ or +raiin#0 9No$i.e $ha$ +raiin# ,a
in.l(!e! alon#i!e o$her for% of %ani+(la$ion0: Af$er $he +la' eion/
$he %o$her/ a$ $he re3(e$ of $he e2+eri%en$er/ i(e! a erie of
.o%%an! $o $heir .hil!ren ha-in# $o !o ,i$h +($$in# a,a' ea.h of $he
$o'0 The re(l$7 8hil!ren ,ho ha! *een (*;e.$ $o le .on6$rol)$ha$ i/
$hoe ,ho ha! *een #i-en %ore a' a*o($ ho, $o +la') ,ere %ore li&el'
$o follo, $heir %o$her1 in$r(.$ion0
I
S$ri&in# a $hee e2+eri%en$al re(l$ are/ $he +ro*le% ,i$h $ra6
!i$ional/ .on$rol6*ae! !i.i+line *e.o%e e-en .learer on.e ,e loo& a$
,ha$ &i! !o a)ter the adult leaves the roo-. One reear.her ,on!ere!
no$ onl' ,hi.h $o!!ler ,o(l! *e li&el' $o .o%+l' ,i$h a re3(e$ $o !o
o%e$hin# 9.lean (+:/ *($ alo ,hi.h one ,o(l! .o%+l' ,i$h a re3(e$
not $o !o o%e$hin# 9na%el'/ +la' ,i$h .er$ain $o': on.e $he' ,ere lef$
alone0 Bo$h 3(e$ion ha! $he a%e an,er7 The &i! ,ho
TO O M U 8 H 8 O N T R O L GE
$oe! $he line ,ere $hoe ,hoe %o$her ,ere #enerall' (++or$i-e
an! ,ar%/ an! ,ho $en!e! $o a-oi! for.ef(l .on$rol0
AB
The e-i!en.e #oe on an! on0 One +air of +'.holo#i$ loo&e! a$
,ha$ +ro%o$e .hil!ren1 ,holehear$e!/ ".o%%i$$e!5 .o%+lian.e/ a
o++oe! $o $he %ore rel(.$an$ "i$(a$ional5 &in!0 Ano$her +air ,an$e!
$o &no, ,ha$ lea! a .hil! $o follo, $he !ire.$ion of an a!(l$ ,ho i
no$ her %o$her or fa$her0
AA
In *o$h .ae/ $he re(l$ ,ere *e$6$er ,hen
.hil!ren ,ere raie! *' +aren$ ,ho ,ere re+e.$f(l an! re+oni-e
ra$her $han *' $hoe ,ho e%+haiMe! .on$rol0
One reaon $ha$ a hea-'6han!e!/ !o6,ha$6I6a' a++roa.h $en! no$
$o ,or& -er' ,ell i $ha$/ in $he final anal'i/ ,e reall' can0t .on6$rol o(r
&i!)a$ lea$/ no$ in $he ,a' $ha$ %a$$er0 I$1 -er' !iffi.(l$ $o %a&e a .hil!
ea$ $hi foo! ra$her $han $ha$ one/ or +ee here ra$her $han $here/ an! i$1
i%+l' i%+oi*le $o for.e a .hil! $o #o $o lee+/ or $o+ .r'in#/ or li$en/
or re+e.$ (0 Thee are $he i(e $ha$ are %o$ $r'in# $o +aren$
+re.iel' *e.a(e i$1 here $ha$ ,e r(n (+ a#ain$ $he inheren$ li%i$ of
,ha$ one h(%an *ein# .an .o%+el ano$her h(%an *ein# $o !o0
Par$i.(larl' ,i$h infan$/ an! $hen a#ain ,i$h a!ole.en$/ $he #oal of
.on$rol (l$i%a$el' +ro-e $o *e an ill(ion0
AC
Sa!l'/ $ho(#h/ $ha$ !oen1$
$o+ ( fro% $r'in# ne,er/ .le-erer/ or %ore for.ef(l $ra$e#ie $o #e$ &i!
$o .o%+l'0 An! ,hen $hee $e.hni3(e fail/ $ha$1 of$en $a&en a e-i!en.e
$ha$ ,ha$1 nee!e! i 0 0 0 %ore of $he a%e0
<pposite Extre-es
There1 o%e$hin# +ara!o2i.al a*o($ $he fa.$ $ha$ i$1 $hoe
+aren$ ,ho are %o$ .on.erne! a*o($ .on$rollin# $heir .hil!ren
,ho %a' en! (+ ha-in# $he lea$ .on$rol o-er $he%0 B($ $ha$1 no$
$he en! of $he $or'0 Far %ore i#nifi.an$ i $he fa.$ $ha$ $hi +o,er6
*ae! a++roa.h in1$ ;($ ineffe.$i-e)i$1 alo $erri*l' !a%a#in#/
e-en ,hen i$ a++ear $o ,or&0 A $he la$e Tho%a Gor!on/ ,ho
.rea$e! Paren$ Effe.$i-e6ne Trainin#/ on.e re%ar&e! $o %e/
"A($o.ra$i. en-iron%en$ %a&e +eo+le i.&05
GD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
Of .o(re/ +eo+le !on1$ all #e$ i.& in $he a%e ,a'0
P'.ho$hera6+i$ ha-e lon# realiMe! $ha$ a in#le (n!erl'in#
.a(e .an lea! $o +a$6$ern of re(l$ $ha$ are -er' !ifferen$ fro%
one ano$her0 For e2a%+le/ o%e +eo+le ,ho ha-e !o(*$ a*o($
$heir o,n ,or$h are .on$an$l' +($$in# $he%el-e !o,n an! a.$in#
ine.(re0 B($ o$her +eo+le ,i$h $he a%e !o(*$ .o%e a.ro a
arro#an$ an! elf6.on#ra$(la$or'7 The' ee% $o *e $r'in# $o
.o%+ena$e for lo, elf6e$ee% ,i$h #ran!ioi$'0 Th(/ $,o
a++aren$l' o++oi$e +eronali$ie %a' hare a .o%%on roo$0
So i$ i ,hen +aren$ ini$ on a*ol($e .on$rol0 So%e of $hee
.hil6!ren *e.o%e excessively co-pliant, an! o$her *e.o%e
excessively de)iant. Le$1 .oni!er ea.h of $hee rea.$ion in $(rn0
Man' +aren$ !rea% of ha-in# &i! ,ho al,a' !o ,ha$ $he'1re
$ol!/ *($ a I +oin$e! o($ in $he In$ro!(.$ion/ i$1 a.$(all' no$ a #oo!
i#n ,hen .hil!ren are .o,e! in$o o*e!ien.e0 We %a&e f(n of
,ha$ (e! $o *e .alle! "'e6%en5 in $he offi.e/ $hoe !eferen$ial
e%+lo'ee ,ho ne-er !ia#ree ,i$h $he *o/ o ,ha$ %a&e (
$hin& $ha$ "'e6.hil!ren5 ,o(l! *e i!eal@
In AIDJ/ $he ;o(rnal Child Develop-ent +(*lihe! one of $he
fir$ reear.h $(!ie on $hi (*;e.$/ ,hi.h fo(n! $ha$ +re.hool6
a#e .hil6!ren of .on$rollin# +aren$ $en!e! $o *e "3(ie$/ ,ell6
*eha-e!/ non6rei$an$05 Ho,e-er/ $he' alo !i!n1$ in$era.$ %(.h
,i$h $heir +eer an! ee%e! la.&in# in .(rioi$' an! ori#inali$'0
"A($hori$arian .on6$rol 0 0 0 o*$ain .onfor%i$' *($ a$ $he e2+ene of
+eronal free!o%/5 $he reear.her .on.l(!e!0
AE
More $han fo(r !e.a!e la$er/ in AIIA/ $he a%e ;o(rnal fea$(re! a
$(!' of o%e D/ABB a!ole.en$0 The i!ea/ a#ain/ ,a $o ee ho, ,ell
$hee &i! ,ere !oin#/ +'.holo#i.all' an! o.iall'/ an! $hen .o%6+are
$he re(l$ $o ho, $he' ,ere *ein# raie!0 I$ $(rne! o($ $ha$ $hoe ,ho
ha! a($hori$arian +aren$ of$en .ore! hi#h on "%ea(re of o*e6!ien.e
an! .onfor%i$' $o $he $an!ar! of a!(l$05 B($/ $he reear.her a!!e!/
"$hee 'o(n#$er a++ear $o ha-e +ai! a +ri.e ,here elf6.onfi!en.e i
.on.erne!)*o$h in $er% of elf6relian.e an! in $er% of $heir
+er.e+$ion of $heir o,n o.ial an! a.a!e%i. a*ili$ie0 The o-er6
TO O M U 8 H 8 O N T R O L GG
all +a$$ern (##e$ a #ro(+ of 'o(n# +eo+le ,ho ha-e *een o-er6
+o,ere! in$o o*e!ien.e05
AD
E2.ei-e .o%+lian.e/ $hen/ i one re(l$ of e2.ei-e .on$rol0
B($ $he a%e &in! of +aren$in# +(he o%e .hil!ren $o $he o$her
e2$re%e/ ,here $he' re*el a#ain$ an'$hin# an! e-er'$hin#0 Their
,ill/ $heir ;(!#%en$/ $heir nee! $o ha-e o%e a' o-er $heir o,n
li-e ha-e all *een 3(el.he!/ an! $he onl' ,a' $he' .an re.o-er a
ene of a($on6o%' i $o *e.o%e e2.ei-el' !efian$0
When ,e %a&e .hil!ren feel +o,erle/ for.in# $he% $o (*%i$ $o
o(r ,ill/ $hi of$en #enera$e in$ene an#er/ an! ;($ *e.a(e $ha$
an#er .an1$ *e e2+ree! a$ $he %o%en$ !oen1$ %ean i$ !ia++ear0
Wha$ ha++en $o i$ !e+en! on $he .hil!1 +eronali$' an! $he
+e.ifi. of $he i$(a$ion0 So%e$i%e $he re(l$ i %ore *a$$le ,i$h
$he +aren$0 A a($hor Nan.' Sa%alin .o%%en$/ e-en ",hen ,e R,in/1
,e loe0 When ,e %a&e .hil!ren o*e' *' for.e/ $hrea$/ or
+(nih%en$/ ,e %a&e $he% feel hel+le0 The' .an1$ $an! feelin#
hel+le/ o $he' +ro6-o&e ano$her .onfron$a$ion $o +ro-e $he' $ill
ha-e o%e +o,er05
AG
An! ,here !o $he' learn ho, $o (e $ha$ +o,er@
Fro% (0 No$ onl' !oe a($hori$arian +aren$in# %a&e $he% %a!N i$
alo $ea.he $he% ho, $o !ire.$ $ha$ an#er a#ain$ ano$her +eron0
AF
S(.h .hil!ren %a' #ro, (+ ,i$h a .on$an$ nee! $o $h(%* $heir
noe a$ a($hori$' fi#(re0 So%e$i%e $he' *rin# all $ha$ ho$ili$'
,i$h $he% $o .hool or $he +la'#ro(n!0 9S$(!ie (##e$ $ha$
.hil!ren raie! *' .on$rollin# +aren$/ e-en .hil!ren a 'o(n# a
$hree 'ear ol!/ are e+e.iall' li&el' $o *e !ir(+$i-e an!
a##rei-e ,i$h $heir +eer/ $he re(l$ *ein# $ha$ $hee +eer %a'
no$ ,an$ $o ha-e an'$hin# $o !o ,i$h $he%0
AH
O*-io(l'/ (.h
enfor.e! iola$ion !oen1$ *o!e ,ell for $heir !e-elo+%en$0:
An! o%e$i%e/ if a .hil! i afrai! of !ef'in# 'o( $o 'o(r fa.e/ he1ll
fi#(re o($ a ,a' $o !o i$ *ehin! 'o(r *a.&0 La'6!o,n6$he6la, +aren$6in#
%a' +ro!(.e &i! ,ho ee% $o *e o ,ell *eha-e! a $o *e $he en-' of
$he nei#h*or0 Of$en/ ho,e-er/ $he'1-e ;($ learne! $o *e nea&ier a*o($
$heir %i*eha-ior/ ,hi.h o%e$i%e $(rn o($ $o *e a++allin#l' %ean6
+iri$e!0 The' ee% $o *e +erfe.$/ *($ $he'1re a.$(all' lea!in# a
GF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
"!o(*le life/5 a one $hera+i$ +($ i$7 "Be.a(e o(r +aren$ ini$e! on
e2er.iin# .on$rol o-er o(r li-e/ ,e .rea$e! one life $ha$ $he' &ne,
a*o($/ an! one $ha$ re%aine! a e.re$ fro% $he%05
AJ
S(.h .hil!ren
%a' *e a$ ri& for -ario( +'.holo#i.al +ro*le% !o,n $he line0 Alo/
$he' %a' *e $errifie! of/ an! +er%anen$l' aliena$e! fro%/ $he +eo+le
,ho $rea$ $he% $hi ,a'0 A ,i$h .on!i$ional lo-e/ $herefore/ $i#h$
.on$rol .an o%e$i%e 'iel! re(l$ in $he hor$ r(n/ *($ a$ $he .o$ of
fa$all' !a%a#in# o(r rela$ionhi+ ,i$h o(r .hil!ren o-er $i%e0
One %o$her offere! an in$ri#(in# *i$ of $e$i%on' in a %ea#e he
.on$ri*($e! $o an online !i.(ion #ro(+0 She !e.ri*e! a 8hri$%a
+en$ ,i$h her h(*an!1 rela$i-e/ ,ho ,ere raie!)an! ,ho no, raie
$heir o,n .hil!ren),i$h fir% !i.i+line0 D(rin# $he -a.a$ion/ $he' $ol!
$orie a*o($ $he -ario( e.a+a!e of $heir 'o($h0 "Thoe ,ell6*eha-e!/
re#(larl' !i.i+line!/ +oli$e .hil!ren ,ere i%+e$(o( hooli#an e-er' $i%e
$heir +aren$1 *a.& ,ere $(rne!/5 he re+or$e!0 "The' !i! $(ff I ne-er
.o(l! ha-e in-en$e!05 On her i!e of $he fa%il'/ *' .on$ra$/ "$here ha
ne-er *een a =*eha-ior> .har$/ an in.en$i-e/ a .he!(le of +(nih6%en$/
a #ro(n!in#/ a +an&in#/ or a re%o-al of R+ri-ile#e01 5 Nor/ he ,ear/
ha $here *een an' erio( %i*eha-ior0
I !on1$ %ean $o a' $ha$ !efian.e i al,a' o%e$hin# $o ,orr'
a*o($0 So%e a%o(n$ of na'6a'in# i 3(i$e .o%%on an! +erfe.$l'
heal$h'/ e+e.iall' aro(n! a#e $,o or $hree/ an! $hen a#ain !(rin#
$he earl' $een 'ear0 Ra$her/ ,ha$ I1% !e.ri*in# here i an
e2a##era$e!/ rea.$i-e &in! of !efian.e/ ,hi.h la$ lon#er an! r(n
!ee+er0 S(.h .hil6!ren are li-in# +roof $ha$ a $'le of +aren$in#
ai%e! %o$l' a$ eli.i$in# o*e!ien.e of$en fail e-en on i$ o,n
$er%/ in a!!i$ion $o .rea$in# a raf$ of o$her +ro*le%0
Wha$1 $he al$erna$i-e $o *ein# ei$her e2.ei-el' .o%+lian$ or
e2.ei-el' !efian$@ Wha$ !o (.h .hil!ren loo& li&e@ In re+one $o
re3(e$ fro% $heir +aren$)an!/ la$er/ fro% o$her +eo+le)$he'1ll .hooe
$o a' 'e o%e$i%e an! no a$ o$her $i%e/ ,i$ho($ feelin# .o%+elle!
ei$her $o .o%+l' or $o !ef'0 The' of$en !o ,ha$ $he'1re a&e!/ e+e.iall'
,hen $he'1re .on-in.e! i$1 reaona*le or -er' i%+or6$an$ $o $he +eron
,ho1 a&in#0 Thee are li&el' $o *e $he .hil!ren of
TO O M U 8 H 8 O N T R O L GH
+aren$ ,ho ha-e *(il$ (+ a reer-oir of $r($ *' $rea$in# $he% ,i$h
re+e.$/ e2+lainin# $he reaon for $heir re3(e$/ an! a-oi!in# (nre6
ali$i. e2+e.$a$ion of o*e!ien.e0 S(.h +aren$ ha-e %a!e $heir
+ea.e ,i$h $he fa.$ $ha$ $heir &i! ,ill aer$ $he%el-e *' *ein#
!efian$ no, an! $hen/ an! $he' !on1$ o-errea.$ ,hen $ha$ ha++en0
<vereating, Underen;oying, and <ther Costs o) Control
In .ha+$er C/ I !e.ri*e! $he effe.$ of .on$in#en$ elf6e$ee%/ .i$in#
$he ,or& of Uni-eri$' of Ro.he$er +'.holo#i$ Ri.har! R'an an!
E!,ar! De.i0 9De.i alo +ar$i.i+a$e! in $ha$ $(!' of .olle#e $(!en$
$ha$ fo(n! -ario( (nha++' .one3(en.e of .on!i$ional +aren$in#0:
Thee $,o reear.her/ alon# ,i$h $heir ao.ia$e an! for%er $(6
!en$/ ha-e +en$ $he la$ fe, !e.a!e .olle.$in# e-i!en.e $ha$ *a!
$hin# $en! $o ha++en ,hen +eo+le of -ario( a#e feel .on$rolle!/
,he$her $he .on$rol i i%+oe! $hro(#h +(nih%en$/ re,ar!/ .on6
!i$ional lo-e/ $rai#h$for,ar! .oer.ion/ or o$her %ean0
In loo&in# a$ +aren$in#/ $he'1-e fo(n! $ha$ $he %ore .hil!ren feel
re$ri.$e! an! .on$rolle!/ $he #rea$er $he .han.e of "o($ri#h$ rei$6
an.e $o ,ha$ o.ialiMer in$en! $o fo$er5)an! $he %ore (n$a*le $he
.hil!ren1 i!en$i$'/ or ene of elf/ ,ill $en! $o *e0
AI
Go *a.& $o $ha$
$(!' of .olle#e $(!en$0 Wh' ,a i$ o !a%a#in# $o hear "I lo-e 'o(
onl' ,hen 'o( 0 0 05 fro% $heir +aren$@ Be.a(e $ha$ %ea#e %a!e
$he% feel .on$rolle! fro% $he ini!e0 The' #re, (+ feelin# $he' ha! $o
*eha-e)or (..ee!)in +ar$i.(lar ,a' in or!er $o +leae $heir +ar6
en$/ an! (l$i%a$el' in or!er $o feel #oo! a*o($ $he%el-e0 The &e'
+hrae in $ha$ en$en.e i had to+ The' !i!n1$ feel free/
+'.holo#i.all' +ea&in#/ $o !o o$her,ie0
In$ernaliMin# a !ri-e $o "*e #oo!/5 or ,or& har!/ or !o ,ha$e-er
ele i$ $a&e $o +leae Mo% or Da! i no$ #oo! ne, if $he re(l$
!oen1$ feel li&e a real !e.iion0 An!/ a..or!in# $o $ha$ $(!'/ i$ !i!n1$0
Thoe $(!en$ ,ho $ho(#h$ $heir +aren$ lo-e! $he% onl' .on!i6
$ionall' ,ere %(.h %ore li&el' $han $heir +eer $o a' $ha$ $he ,a'
GJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$he' a.$e! ,a of$en !(e %ore $o a "$ron# in$ernal +re(re5 $han $o
"a real ene of .hoi.e05 The' alo in!i.a$e! $ha$ $heir ha++ine af$er
(..ee!in# a$ o%e$hin# ,a ((all' hor$6li-e!/ $heir o+inion of
$he%6el-e fl(.$(a$e! a lo$/ an! $he' of$en fel$ #(il$' or aha%e!0
CB
De.i an! R'an *elie-e $ha$ .hil!ren are *orn no$ onl' ,i$h .er$ain
*ai. nee!/ in.l(!in# a nee! $o ha-e o%e a' o-er $heir o,n li-e/
*($ alo ,i$h $he a*ili$' $o %a&e !e.iion in a ,a' $ha$ %ee$ $heir
nee!N $he'1re e3(i++e! ,i$h "a #'ro.o+e of na$(ral elf6re#(la$ion05
When ,e .on$rol &i! e2.ei-el')for e2a%+le/ *' offerin# $he%
re,ar! an! +raie for !oin# ,ha$ ,e ,an$)$he' $ar$ $o *e.o%e
!e+en!en$ on e2$ernal o(r.e of .on$rol0 The #'ro.o+e *e#in $o
,o**le an! $he' loe $heir a*ili$' $o re#(la$e $he%el-e0
CA
FOOD
Foo! .on(%+$ion offer a -er' li$eral e2a%+le of $hi0 I$1 $r(e $ha$
&i! !on1$ al,a' .hooe $he heal$hie$ $hin# $o ea$0 9Tha$1 ,h' ,e
nee! $o $ea.h $he% ,ha$ i an! in1$ #oo! for $heir *o!ie/ an! +ro6
-i!e $he% ,i$h re$ri.$e! .hoi.e (.h $ha$ ,hi.he-er i$e% $he' +i.&
,ill *e a..e+$a*le0: On $he o$her han!/ e-en ,i$ho($ o(r in$er-en$ion/
'o(n# .hil!ren ,ill ((all' .on(%e $he n(%*er of .alorie $heir *o!6
ie nee! o-er $i%e0 So%e$i%e $he'1ll #o for !a' ea$in# o li$$le $ha$
,e *e.o%e .on.erne!/ an! $hen $he' (!!enl' +($ a,a' h(#e +or6
$ion0 If $he' ea$ o%e$hin# fa$$enin#/ $he'1ll $en! $o ea$ le/ or o%e6
$hin# le .alori./ af$er,ar!0 In $er% of ho, %(.h $he' ea$/ $hen/
.hil!ren ee% $o ha-e a re%ar&a*le .a+a.i$' for elf6re#(la$ion0
Unle/ $ha$ i/ ,e $r' $o r(n $heir *o!ie for $he%0 T,o n($ri$ion6
i$ in Illinoi .on!(.$e! a fa.ina$in# e2+eri%en$ a fe, 'ear a#o0
The' o*er-e! HH .hil!ren *e$,een $he a#e of $,o an! fo(r/ an! alo
learne! ho, %(.h $heir +aren$ a$$e%+$e! $o .on$rol $heir ea$in#
ha*i$0 The' !i.o-ere! $ha$ $hoe +aren$ ,ho ini$e! $heir .hil!ren
ea$ onl' !(rin# %eal$i%e 9ra$her $han ,hen $he' ,ere h(n#r':/ or
,ho en.o(ra#e! $he% $o .lean $heir +la$e 9e-en ,hen $he' o*-io(l'
,eren1$ h(n#r':/ or ,ho (e! foo! 9e+e.iall' !eer$: a a re,ar!
TO O M U 8 H 8 O N T R O L GI
,o(n! (+ ,i$h .hil!ren ,ho lo$ $he a*ili$' $o re#(la$e $heir .alori. in$a&e0
So%e of $he +aren$ a++eare! $o ha-e $heir o,n i(e ,i$h foo!/ ,hi.h
$he' ,ere in $he +ro.e of +ain# on $o $heir &i!0 B($ ,ha$e-er $he
reaon for $heir e2.ei-e .on$rol/ i$ ,a *e#innin# $o $a&e i$ $oll e-en
*efore o%e of $hee .hil!ren ,ere o($ of !ia+er0 The .hil6!ren ha! "fe,
o++or$(ni$ie $o learn $o .on$rol $heir o,n foo! in$a&e5 an! .a%e $o $o+
$r($in# $heir *o!ie1 .(e a*o($ ,hen $he' ,ere h(n6#r'0 One re(l$7
Man' of $he% ,ere alrea!' $ar$in# $o #e$ fa$0
CC
MORALS
Thi fin!in# a*o($ foo! i in$ere$in#/ e-en alar%in#/ in i$ o,n ri#h$/
*($ i$1 ;($ one ill($ra$ion of a ,i!er !an#er0 E2$ernal re#(la6$ion .an
in$erfere ,i$h $he !e-elo+%en$ of in$ernal re#(la$ion no$ onl' ,i$h re#ar!
$o ea$in# *($ alo ,i$h re#ar! $o e$hi.0 A hea-'6han!e! +aren$in# $'le
!oe no$hin# $o +ro%o$e/ an! a.$(all' %a' (n!er%ine/ .hil!ren1 %oral
!e-elo+%en$0 Thoe ,ho are +re(re! $o !o a $he'1re $ol! are (nli&el'
$o $hin& $hro(#h e$hi.al !ile%%a for $he%6el-e0 Thi .an 3(i.&l' .rea$e
a -i.io( .ir.le7 The le .han.e $he' ha-e $o %a&e !e.iion a*o($ $he
ri#h$ ,a' $o a.$/ $he %ore li&el' $he' are $o a.$ in ,a' $ha$ ,ill .a(e
$heir +aren$ $o .i$e $heir irre+oni6*ili$' a a reaon for .on$in(in# $o
!en' $he% $he ri#h$ $o .hooe0
One %(.h6.i$e! re-ie, of $he reear.h on .hil! !e-elo+%en$
re+or$e! $ha$/ ,hile .hil!ren of a($hori$arian +aren$ !on1$ $an!
o($/ one ,a' or $he o$her/ "on .on$ri-e! %ea(re of rei$an.e $o
$e%+6$a$ion/5 %ore %eanin#f(l e-i!en.e (##e$ $ha$ "$he' !o
ho, leer e-i!en.e of R.on.ien.e1 an! are %ore li&el' $o ha-e
an e2$ernal/ ra$her $han in$ernal/ %oral orien$a$ion in !i.(in#
,ha$ i $he Rri#h$1 *eha-6ior in i$(a$ion of %oral .onfli.$05
CE
INTEREST
Ye$ ano$her .one3(en.e of $oo %(.h .on$rol7 When &i! feel
for.e! $o !o $hin#)or are $oo $i#h$l' re#(la$e! in $he %ay $he' !o
FB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$hin#)$he'1re li&el' $o *e.o%e le in$ere$e! in ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#
an! le li&el' $o $i.& ,i$h o%e$hin# .hallen#in#0 In an in$ri#(in#
e2+eri%en$/ +aren$ ,ere in-i$e! $o i$ on $he floor ne2$ $o $heir -er'
'o(n# .hil!ren)no$ e-en $,o 'ear ol!),ho ,ere +la'in# ,i$h $o'0
So%e of $he +aren$ i%%e!ia$el' $oo& o-er $he $a& or *ar&e! o($
in$r(.$ion 9"P($ $he *lo.& in0 No/ no$ $here0 There#5: O$her ,ere
.on$en$ $o le$ $heir &i! e2+lore/ +ro-i!in# en.o(ra#e%en$ an! offer6
in# hel+ onl' ,hen i$ ,a nee!e!0 La$er/ $he *a*ie ,ere #i-en o%e6
$hin# ele $o +la' ,i$h/ $hi $i%e ,i$ho($ $heir +aren$ +reen$0 I$ $(rne!
o($ $ha$/ on.e $he' ,ere on $heir o,n/ $hoe ,ho ha! .on$rol6lin#
+aren$ ,ere a+$ $o #i-e (+ %ore eail' ra$her $han $r'in# $o fi#6(re
o($ ho, $he ne, $o' ,or&e!0
A*o($ a !e.a!e la$er/ ano$her $(!' fo(n! -er' i%ilar re(l$
,i$h i26 an! e-en6'ear6ol! .hil!ren7 Thoe ,hoe +aren$ ha!
+la'e! ,i$h $he% in a .on$rollin# %anner 9$ellin# $he% ,ha$ $o !o/
.ri$i.iMin#/ or +raiin#: ee%e! $o loe in$ere$ in ,ha$ $he' ,ere
!oin#0 The' +en$ le $i%e +la'in# ,i$h $he $o' ,hen $he' ,ere
alone/ an! $he' alo ai! $he' fo(n! $he $o' le f(n $han !i! &i!
,hoe +aren$ ha! *een le .on$rollin#0
CD
SKILLS
The fir$ of $hoe $(!ie ho,in# a !i%in($ion of &i!1 in$ere$
,a .on!(.$e! *a.& in $he %i!6AIJB *' Wen!' Grolni.&/ a for%er
$(!en$ of De.i an! R'an1/ an! her ao.ia$e0 9The e.on! $(!'
,a .on!(.$e! *' De.i hi%elf/ a%on# o$her0: Al%o$ $,o !e.a!e
la$er/ Grolni.& !i.o-ere! $ha$ .on$rollin# +aren$ !on1$ %erel' %a&e
&i! le interested in ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#7 The' %a' alo lea! &i! $o
*e le pro)icient a$ ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#0 Thi $i%e/ he loo&e! a$ ho,
$hir!6#ra!er an! $heir +aren$ ,or&e! $o#e$her on a .o(+le of
+ro;e.$ $ha$ ree%*le! ho%e,or& 9one in-ol-in# $he (e of %a+ an!
$he o$her in-ol-in# $he rh'%e .he%e of +oe%:/ af$er ,hi.h ea.h
.hil! ,a lef$ alone an! a&e! $o !o i%ilar $a&0 Thoe ,hoe
+aren$ ha! *een %ore .on$rollin# !i!n1$ !o a ,ell on $heir o,n0
CG
TO O M U 8 H 8 O N T R O L FA
In$ere$in#l'/ $he +aren$ ,ho ,ere %o$ .on$rollin# 9a$ lea$ on
$he +oe$r' ai#n%en$: ,ere $hoe ,ho $he%el-e fel$ .on$rolle!)
*' hearin# fro% $he e2+eri%en$er $ha$ $heir .hil!ren ,o(l! oon *e
$e$e! on $he &ill in-ol-e! in $hee $a&0
CF
The a%e $hin# ha++en
,i$h $ea.her7 Lean on $he% $o "raie $an!ar!/5 an! $he' $(rn in$o
!rill er#ean$0 The ironi. re(l$ i $ha$ $heir $(!en$ en! (+ a.hie-in#
a$ lo,er le-el $han $heir .o(n$er+ar$ in .laroo% ,here $here1
le $o+6!o,n e%+hai on "a..o(n$a*ili$'05
CH
In her -er' (ef(l an! .on.ie *oo& The Psychology o) Parental Con-
trol, Grolni.& (%%ariMe a #rea$ !eal of o$her reear.h ho,in# $ha$
".on$rollin# +aren$in# ha *een ao.ia$e! ,i$h lo,er le-el of in$rin6
i. %o$i-a$ion/ le in$ernaliMa$ion of -al(e an! %oral/ +oorer elf6
re#(la$ion/5 an! +oorer feelin# a*o($ oneelf)$o a' no$hin# of
"(n,an$e! i!e effe.$ for $he +aren$6.hil! rela$ionhi+05 She a!!/
"Thee i(e rela$e no$ onl' $o .hil!ren1 !e-elo+%en$ an! ,ell6
*ein# *($ alo $o $heir (..e a ha++'/ f(n.$ionin# a!(l$ !(rin# $he
.o(re of $heir li-e05 Her re-ie, of $he !a$a $ron#l' (##e$ $ha$/
,hile .hil6!ren ha-e !ifferen$ nee! a$ !ifferen$ a#e/ $he effe.$ of
$oo %(.h .on6$rol are !a%a#in# no %a$$er ho, ol! $he' are0 An!
,hile +aren$in# $'le .learl' -ar' a.ro ra.e/ .la/ an! .(l$(re/ $oo
%(.h .on$rol ee% $o ha-e ne#a$i-e effe.$ a.ro $he *oar!0
CJ
Of .o(re/ $er% li&e excessive an! too -uch raie $he 3(e$ion of
,he$her $here1 an i!eal a%o(n$ of .on$rol0 M' re+one i $ha$ $he
a$$e%+$ $o fi#(re o($ ,ha$1 #oo! for &i! i a 3(ali$a$i-e in3(ir' %ore $han
a 3(an$i$a$i-e one0 De+en!in# on ho, ,e !efine control, i$ %a' %a&e
%ore ene $o loo& for al$erna$i-e $o i$ $han ;($ $o offer le of i$0
8hil!ren nee! structure in $heir li-e/ for e2a%+le)an! o%e nee! %ore
$han o$her)*($ $ha$1 no$ $he a%e a a'in# $he' ;($ nee! a %o!era$e
a%o(n$ of .on$rol0
CI
Ho, .an ,e $ell $he !ifferen.e@ There are .er$ainl'
o%e #ra' area here/ *($ a a r(le/ reaona*le $r(.$(re are i%+oe!
onl' ,hen ne.ear'/ in a fle2i*le %anner/ ,i$ho($ (n!(e re$ri.$i-ene/
an!/ ,hen +oi*le/ ,i$h $he +ar$i.i+a$ion of $he .hil!0
FC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
The re(l$ feel 3(i$e !ifferen$ fro% (in# .oer.ion or +re(re $o
i%+oe 'o(r ,ill/ ,hi.h i ,ha$1 ((all' $ho(#h$ of a .on$rol0
A +aren$/ ,e nee! $o *e in-ol-e! in an! a,are of $he !e$ail
of o(r .hil!ren1 li-e0 No$hin# in $hi *oo& ho(l! *e in$er+re$e! a
an ar#(%en$ for i$$in# *a.& an! le$$in# .hil!ren raie $he%el-e0
We %i#h$ a' i$1 o(r ;o* $o *e "in .on$rol/5 in $he ene of .rea$in#
a heal$h' an! afe en-iron%en$/ offerin# #(i!an.e/ an! e$$in#
li%i$) *($ i$1 no$ o(r ;o* $o *e ".on$rollin#/5 in $he ene of
!e%an!in# a*ol($e o*e!ien.e or rel'in# on +re(re or
.on$in(o( re#(la$ion0 In fa.$/ al$ho(#h i$ %a' o(n! +ara!o2i.al/
,e nee! $o *e in .on$rol of hel+in# $he% $o #ain .on$rol o-er $heir
o,n li-e0 The #oal i e%+o,6er%en$ ra$her $han .onfor%i$'/ an!
$he %e$ho! are re+e.$f(l ra$her $han .oer.i-e0
There %a' *e $i%e ,hen o%e .on$rol/ in $he ((al ene/ i
(na-oi!a*le/ an! here $he $ri.& i in!ee! $o a-oi! o-er!oin# i$0 B($ ,e
nee! $o $hin& in $er% of an a++roa.h $o +aren$in# $ha$1 f(n!a%en6
$all' !ifferen$ fro% .on$rol/ ra$her $han ;($ $r'in# $o fin! a ha++'
%e!i(% *e$,een "$oo .on$rollin#5 an! "no$ .on$rollin# eno(#h05 In
.ha+$er I/ I1ll offer o%e (##e$ion for ho, ,e .an !o $ha$0
D
PUNITIVE DAMAGES
P
(nih%en$ 0 0 0 .on$rol 0 0 0 a($hori$arian +aren$in# 0 0 0 lo-e ,i$h6
!ra,al 0 0 0 .on!i$ional affe.$ion)all of $hee .on.e+$ o-erla+0
I$1 $he fir$ one/ ho,e-er/ $ha$1 %o$ fa%iliar $o ( an! eaie$ $o
(n!er$an!0 To +(nih &i!/ -er' i%+l'/ i $o %a&e o%e$hin# (n+lea6
an$ ha++en $o $he%)or +re-en$ $he% fro% e2+erien.in# o%e$hin#
+leaan$)((all' ,i$h $he #oal of .han#in# $heir f($(re *eha-ior0 The
+(niher %a&e $he% (ffer/ in o$her ,or!/ $o $ea.h $he% a leon0
A
F(n!a%en$al 3(e$ion a*o($ $he ,i!o% of $hi a++roa.h %a'
(##e$ $he%el-e e-en *efore ,e loo& a$ $he re(l$ of .ien$ifi.
in-e6$i#a$ion0 For e2a%+le/ i$ %a' o..(r $o ( $o a&7 Ho, li&el'
i i$ $ha$ in$en$ionall' %a&in# .hil!ren (nha++' ,ill +ro-e *enefi.ial
in $he lon# r(n@ An!7 If +(nih%en$ i o effe.$i-e/ ho, .o%e I
ha-e $o &ee+ !oin# i$ $o %' .hil! o-er an! o-er@
The a-aila*le reear.h !oe no$hin# $o alla' (.h !o(*$0 The re(l$
of a .lai. +aren$in# $(!'/ +(*lihe! in AIGH/ ee%e! $o .a$.h e-en $he
a($hor *' (r+rie0 Af$er re-ie,in# all $he !a$a fro% $heir in-e$i#a$ion of
&in!er#ar$ner an! $heir %o$her/ $he' re+or$e! $ha$ "$he (nha++' effe.$
of +(nih%en$ ha-e r(n li&e a !i%al $hrea! $hro(#h o(r fin!6in#05
P(nih%en$ +ro-e! $o *e .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e re#ar!le of ,he$her $he
+aren$ ,ere (in# i$ $o $o+ a##reion/ e2.ei-e !e+en!en.e/ *e!6
,e$$in#/ or o%e$hin# ele0 The reear.her .oni$en$l' fo(n! $ha$ +(n6
FD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
ih%en$ ,a "ineffe.$(al o-er $he lon# $er% a a $e.hni3(e for eli%i6
na$in# $he &in! of *eha-ior $o,ar! ,hi.h i$ i !ire.$e!05
C
Ne,er an!
*e$$er6!ei#ne! $(!ie ha-e onl' er-e! $o $ren#$hen $hi
.on.l(ion/ fin!in#/ for e2a%+le/ $ha$ +aren$ ,ho "+(nih=e!> r(le6
*rea&in# *eha-6ior in $heir .hil!ren a$ ho%e of$en ha! .hil!ren ,ho
!e%on$ra$e! hi#her le-el of r(le6*rea&in# ,hen a,a' fro% ho%e05
E
B' no, $here i an e+e.iall' i%+rei-e .olle.$ion of reear.h
!e%on$ra$in# $he !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ of .or+oral +(nih%en$ in +ar6$i.(lar
)$ha$ i/ $he +ra.$i.e of +an&in#/ la++in#/ or o$her,ie .a(6in#
+h'i.al +ain a a for% of !i.i+line0 The !a$a o-er,hel%in#l' ho, $ha$
.or+oral +(nih%en$ %a&e .hil!ren %ore a##rei-e an! lea! $o a
-arie$' of o$her !a%a#in# .one3(en.e0 9I$1 no$ e-en .lear $ha$ i$
(..ee! a$ #e$$in# $e%+orar' .o%+lian.e0:
D
Hi$$in# .hil!ren .learl'
"$ea.he $he% a leon5)an! $he leon i $ha$ 'o( .an #e$ 'o(r ,a'
,i$h +eo+le ,ho are ,ea&er $han 'o( are *' h(r$in# $he%0
I *elie-e $he reear.h (++or$ a Mero6$oleran.e +oli.' for +an&in#/
#i-en $ha$ i$1 (nne.ear'/ (n+ro!(.$i-e/ an! +o$en$iall' -er' har%f(l0
B($ $hi/ $oo/ %a' *e a .ae ,here !a$a are no$ a*ol($el' ne.ear'0
F(n6!a%en$al -al(e %a' *e eno(#h $o ;($if' o(r o++oi$ion0 A
i.&enin# a i$ i $ha$ o%e %en hi$ $heir ,i-e or #irlfrien!/ i$1 ar#(a*l'
e-en ,ore for a!(l$ $o hi$ .hil!ren)in an' %anner an! for an' reaon0
S$ill/ ;($ a $he +ro*le% ,i$h .on$rol are no$ li%i$e! $o +(nih6
%en$/ o $he +ro*le% ,i$h +(nih%en$ are no$ li%i$e! $o $he +h'i6
.al &in!0 The la$e o.iolo#i$ <oan M.8or! +($ i$ ,ell7
If +aren$ an! $ea.her ,ere $o (*$i$($e non6+h'i.al +(nih6
%en$ for +h'i.al one/ $he' %i#h$ a-oi! $ea.hin# .hil!ren $o hi$/
+(n.h/ an! &i.&N 'e$/ $he' ,o(l! ne-er$hele +er+e$(a$e $he i!ea
$ha$ #i-in# +ain i a le#i$i%a$e ,a' $o e2er.ie +o,er0 0 0 0
The .one3(en.e .o(l! *e no le (n!er%inin# of
.o%+aion an! o.ial in$ere$0
G
The +ro*le%/ in o$her ,or!/ re$ ,i$h $he i!ea of for.in# .hil!ren $o
(n!er#o o%e$hin# (n+leaan$0 The (n+leaan$ne .an .oni$ of
P U N I T I V E D A M A G E S FG
+h'i.al aa(l$/ !e+ri-a$ion of affe.$ion or a$$en$ion/ h(%ilia$ion/
io6la$ion/ or an'$hin# ele0
Thi i ,or$h e%+haiMin#/ fir$ of all/ *e.a(e e-en o%e ,ri$er ,ho
fir%l' o++oe .or+oral +(nih%en$ ee% $o $a&e on fai$h $ha$ o$her or$
of +(nih%en$ are har%le or e-en ne.ear'0 9Three hinin# e2.e+6
$ion/ ,ho ha-e ,ri$$en elo3(en$l' on $he +ro*le% ,i$h $he -er' i!ea of
+(nih%en$/ are Tho%a Gor!on/ Hai% Gino$$/ an! Willia% Glaer0:
A n(%*er of .on(l$an$/ %ean,hile/ ha-e re+on!e! $o $he
(n!er6$an!a*le rel(.$an.e of %an' +aren$ $o (e +(ni$i-e $a.$i. *'
re+a.&6a#in# $he% a ".one3(en.e05 In o%e .ae/ $he .han#e i
+(rel' e%an$i./ $he i%+li.a$ion *ein# $ha$ a frien!lier na%e ,ill %a&e
$he a%e +ra.$i.e le offeni-e0 B($ o%e$i%e ,e1re $ol! $ha$ if $he
+(n6ih%en$ are le e-ere/ or "lo#i.all'5 rela$e! $o $he %i*eha-ior/
or .learl' +elle! o($ in a!-an.e/ $hen $he'1re o&a' $o (e)an!/
in!ee!/ ho(l!n1$ *e .oni!ere! +(nih%en$ a$ all0
I !on1$ *(' i$0 More i%+or$an$/ I !on1$ $hin& &i! *(' i$0 While i$1
.er$ainl' $r(e $ha$ a *a! $hin# .an *e %a!e ,ore *' a!!in# (.h
ele6%en$ a (n+re!i.$a*ili$' or la.& of .lari$')or *' reall'
o-er!oin# i$ or *ein# e2.ei-el' na$')$hee aren1$ $he %ain
reaon $ha$ +(n6ih%en$ ha $he effe.$ i$ !oe0
Anno(n.in# ho, ,e +lan $o +(nih .hil!ren 9"Re%e%*er/ if 'o( !o x,
$hen I1ll !o y $o 'o(5: %a' al-e our .on.ien.e *e.a(e ,e #a-e $he%
fair ,arnin#/ *($ all ,e1-e reall' !one i $hrea$en $he%0 We1-e $ol! $he% in
a!-an.e e2a.$l' ho, ,e1ll %a&e $he% (ffer if $he' fail $o o*e'0 Thi
.o%%(ni.a$e a %ea#e of !i$r($ 9"I !on1$ $hin& 'o(1ll !o $he ri#h$ $hin#
,i$ho($ $he fear of +(nih%en$5:/ lea! &i! $o $hin& of $he%el-e a
.o%+l'in# for e2$rini. reaon/ an! e%+haiMe $heir +o,erlene0 All
$he !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ +re!i.$e! *' lo#i./ e2+erien.e/ an! reear.h are
li&el' $o follo, re#ar!le of $hee %inor %o!ifi.a$ion)an! re#ar!6le
of ,he$her ,e .all +(nih%en$ *' a !ifferen$ na%e0
F
So%e$i%e +aren$ are a!-ie! $o (e a $i%e6o($ in$ea! of +an&6
in# $heir &i!)a $ho(#h $hee ,ere $he onl' $,o o+$ion a-aila*le0 The
reali$'/ a ,e1-e een/ i $ha$ *o$h of $hee $a.$i. are +(ni$i-e0 The' !iffer
onl' ,i$h re+e.$ $o ,he$her .hil!ren ,ill *e %a!e $o (f6
FF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
fer *' +h'i.al or e%o$ional %ean0 If ,e ,ere for.e! $o .hooe
one o-er $he o$her/ $hen/ (re/ $i%e6o($ are +refera*le $o
+an&in#0 For $ha$ %a$$er/ +an&in# &i! i +refera*le $o hoo$in#
$he%/ *($ $ha$1 no$ %(.h of an ar#(%en$ for +an&in#0
Ano$her -erion of ,ha$ %i#h$ *e .alle! P(nih%en$ Li$e i &no,n a
"na$(ral .one3(en.e/5 ,hi.h in-i$e +aren$ $o !i.i+line *' ina.6$ion)
$ha$ i/ *' ref(in# $o hel+0 If a .hil! i la$e for !inner/ ,e1re (+6+oe! $o
le$ her #o h(n#r'0 If he lea-e her rain.oa$ a$ .hool/ ,e1re (++oe! $o
le$ her #e$ ,e$ $he follo,in# !a'0 Thi i ai! $o $ea.h her $o *e %ore
+(n.$(al/ or le for#e$f(l/ or ,ha$e-er0 B($ $he far %ore +o,6erf(l leon
$ha$ he1 li&el' $o $a&e a,a' i $ha$ ,e .o(l! ha-e hel+e!) *($ !i!n1$0 A
$,o a($hor no$e in $heir !i.(ion of $he +ra.$i.e/ "When 'o( $an! *'
an! le$ *a! $hin# ha++en/ 'o(r .hil! e2+erien.e $he $,in
!ia++oin$%en$ $ha$ o%e$hin# ,en$ ,ron# an! 'o( !i! no$ ee% $o .are
eno(#h a*o($ her $o lif$ a fin#er $o hel+ +re-en$ $he %iha+0 The Rna$6(ral
.one3(en.e1 a++roa.h i reall' a for% of +(nih%en$05
H
One of $he %o$ $ri&in# fea$(re of +(nih%en$)an' +(nih6%en$)
i $he ,a' i$ .rea$e a -i.io( .ir.le for all .on.erne!/ -er' %(.h li&e ,ha$
,e fin! ,i$h lo-e ,i$h!ra,al an! +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$0 No %a$$er ho,
%an' $i%e ,e1-e ,a$.he! a $he .hil! *ein# +(nihe! lahe o($ in
an#er or +ain/ no %a$$er ho, %an' $i%e a +(ni$i-e in$er6-en$ion fail $o
*rin# a*o($ an' i%+ro-e%en$ 9an!/ %ore li&el'/ a.$(6all' %a&e $hin#
,ore:/ ,e %a' a(%e $ha$ $he onl' +oi*le re+one i $o +(nih
a#ain)+erha+ e-en (++in# $he an$e0 In$ere$6in#l'/ reear.h fin! $he
,or$ effe.$ aren1$ !(e $o $he +aren$1 ini$ial in$er-en$ion *($ ra$her $o $he
(e of +(nih%en$ a)ter $he .hil! fail $o .o%+l' ,i$h $he fir$ re3(e$0 I$1
$he rea.$i-e (e of +(nih%en$/ $he .hoi.e $o e%+lo' i$ on.e ,e1-e
alrea!' lo.&e! horn ,i$h $he .hil!/ $ha$ +ro-e %o$ ,orrio%e0
Therefore/ i$1 %o$ i%+or$an$ $o refrain fro% +(nihin# +re.iel' ,hen
,e1re %o$ an#r' or fr($ra$e!0
J
The %ore i%+or$an$ -i.io( .ir.le/ ho,e-er/ $a&e +la.e no$ a$ $he
$i%e ,e .onfron$ a .hil!/ *($ over $i%e)$ha$ i/ a e-en$ +la' o($ o-er
%an' 'ear0 Re+ea$e!l' +(nihin# a 'o(n# .hil! %a' hel+ $o $(rn hi%
in$o a !efian$ a!ole.en$N 'e$ ,e1re a!-ie! $o .on$in(e/ an! e-en
P U N I T I V E D A M A G E S FH
in$enif'/ $he +(nihin#7 Gro(n! $he !io*e!ien$ $eena#er/ .($ off hi
allo,an.e/ (e o(r +o,er $o -ake hi% a.$ re+oni*l'0 The -ore this
strategy )ails, the -ore %e assu-e the proble- is %ith the child, rather
than %ith the strategy itsel). An! if ,e !o $o+ $o re.oni!er ,ha$ ,e1re
!oin#/ ,e a(%e ,e1-e ;($ *een i%+le%en$in# i$ ineffe.$i-el') a
o++oe! $o realiMin# $he $ro(*le i ,i$h $he ,hole i!ea of %a&in# .hil!ren
(ffer $o $ea.h $he% a leon0 Gino$$ ,a a*ol($el' ri#h$7 "Mi*eha-ior
an! +(nih%en$ are no$ o++oi$e $ha$ .an.el ea.h o$herN on $he .on$rar'/
$he' *ree! an! reinfor.e ea.h o$her05
I
Why Punish-ent 4ails
Tha$ +(nihin# &i! !oen1$ ,or& i -er' !iffi.(l$ $o !en' in li#h$ of
all $he a-aila*le e-i!en.e0 Why i$ !oen1$ ,or& i har!er $o a' ,i$h
.er$ain$'0 Ne-er$hele/ ,e .an haMar! o%e #(ee0
• It makes people mad. Li&e o$her for% of .on$rol/ $he (e of
+(ni$i-e .one3(en.e of$en enra#e ,hoe-er i on $he re.ei-6
in# en!/ an! $he e2+erien.e i !o(*l' +ainf(l *e.a(e he or
he i +o,erle $o !o an'$hin# a*o($ i$0 Wha$ hi$or' $ea.he
( a*o($ na$ion e.hoe ,ha$ +'.holo#' $ea.he ( a*o($
in!i6-i!(al7 Gi-en a .han.e/ $hoe ,ho feel li&e -i.$i% %a'
e-en6$(all' *e.o%e -i.$i%iMer0
• It models the use of power. The e2a%+le $ha$ .or+oral +(nih6
%en$ e$ for .hil!ren i -iolen.e)$ha$ i/ $he (e of for.e $o ol-e
+ro*le%0 In fa.$/ $ho(#h/ all +(nih%en$ $ea.he o%e6$hin#
i%ilar0 8hil!ren %a' or %a' no$ learn $he leon ,e ha! in %in!
,hen ,e +(nihe! $he% 9"Don1$ !o x a#ain5:0 B($ $he'1ll (rel'
learn $ha$ ,hen $he %o$ i%+or$an$ +eo+le in $heir li-e/ $heir role
%o!el/ ha-e a +ro*le%/ $he' $r' $o ol-e i$ *' (in# +o,er $o
%a&e $he o$her +eron (nha++' o he or he ,ill *e for.e! $o
.a+i$(la$e0 P(nih%en$ no$ onl' %a&e a .hil! an#r'N i$
"i%(l$aneo(l' +ro-i!e hi% ,i$h a %o!el for
FJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
e2+rein# $ha$ ho$ili$' o($,ar!l'/5 no$e one reear.her0
AB

In o$her ,or!/ i$ $ea.he $ha$ %i#h$ %a&e ri#h$0
• It eventually loses its effectiveness. A &i! #ro, ol!er/ i$
*e.o%e har!er an! har!er $o fin! $hin# $o !o $o $he% $ha$ ,ill *e
(f6fi.ien$l' (n+leaan$0 9B' $he a%e $o&en/ i$ *e.o%e
in.reain#l' !iffi.(l$ $o fin! re,ar! $ha$ are (ffi.ien$l' a++ealin#0:
A$ o%e +oin$/ 'o(r $hrea$ *e#in $o o(n! hollo, an! 'o(r &i!
;($ hr(# off "Yo(1re #ro(n!e!45 or "No allo,an.e for 'o( $hi
,ee&45 Thi !oen1$ +ro-e $ha$ &i! are $o(#h or o*$ina$e/ nor
!oe i$ %ean $ha$ 'o( nee! hel+ !e-iin# %ore !ia*oli.al ,a' $o
%a&e $he% (ffer0 Ra$her/ ,ha$ i$ (##e$ i $ha$ $r'in# $o hel+
&i! *e.o%e #oo! +eo+le *' +(nihin# $he% for !oin# *a! $hin#
%a' ha-e *een a foolih $ra$e#' fro% $he *e#innin#0
Thin& a*o($ i$ $hi ,a'7 When 'o(n# .hil!ren ,on!er ,h'
$he' ho(l! *e ni.e or rei$ .er$ain $e%+$a$ion/ +aren$ ha-e
a .hoi.e0 The' .an !ra, (+on $he re+e.$ an! $r($ $he'1-e .(l6
$i-a$e! *' lo-in# $heir &i! (n.on!i$ionall'/ (in# reaon an!
+er(aion $o e2+lain ho, !oin# $hi $hin# ra$her $han $ha$ $hin#
i li&el' $o affe.$ o$her +eo+le0 Or $he' .an ;($ a++eal $o na&e!
+o,er7 "If 'o( !on1$ .($ $ha$ o($/ 'o(1ll *e +(nihe!05
The +ro*le% ,i$h $he la$$er a++roa.h i $ha$ on.e 'o(r +o,er
*e#in $o e**)an! i$ ,ill)'o(1-e #o$ no$hin# lef$0 A Tho%a
Gor!on +oin$e! o($/ "The ine-i$a*le re(l$ of .oni$en$l' e%+lo'6
in# +o,er $o .on$rol ='o(r> &i! ,hen $he' are 'o(n# i $ha$ ='o(>
ne-er learn ho, $o in)luence.8 The %ore 'o( rel' on +(nih%en$/
$herefore/ "$he le real infl(en.e 'o(1ll ha-e on $heir li-e05
AA

• It erodes our relationships with our kids. When ,e +(nih/ ,e
%a&e i$ -er' har! for o(r .hil!ren $o re#ar! ( a .arin# allie/
,hi.h i -i$al for heal$h' !e-elo+%en$0 In$ea!/ ,e *e.o%e 9in
$heir e'e: enfor.er $o *e a-oi!e!0 Ver' 'o(n# .hil!ren *e#in $o
,ra+ $heir %in! aro(n! $he fa.$ $ha$ $heir +aren$/ $hoe h(#e/ all6
+o,erf(l +eo+le on ,ho% $he' are $o$all' !e+en!en$/ o..aionall'
%a&e $he% %iera*le on purpose7 Thoe #ian$
P U N I T I V E D A M A G E S FI
,ho hol! %e an! ro.& %e an! fee! %e an! &i a,a' %' $ear
o%e$i%e #o o($ of $heir ,a' $o $a&e a,a' $hin# I li&e/ or
%a&e %e feel (n,or$h'/ or hi$ %e on $he *a.&i!e 9e-en
$ho(#h $he' &ee+ $ellin# %e "0- al,a' (++oe! $o "(e %'
,or!5:0 The' $ell %e $he'1re a.$in# $hi ,a' *e.a(e of
o%e$hin# or o$her $ha$ I !i!/ *($ all I &no, i no, I1% no$ (re
I .an $r($ $he% or feel .o%+le$el' afe ,i$h $he%0 I1! *e +re$$'
$(+i! $o a!%i$ $o $he% $ha$ I1% an#r'/ or $ha$ I !i! o%e$hin#
*a!/ *e.a(e I1-e learne! $ha$ I %i#h$ *e #i-en a $i%e6o($ or
$al&e! $o in a -oi.e $ha$ ha all $he lo-e !raine! o($ of i$ or e-en
%a.&e!0 I1! *e$$er &ee+ %' !i$an.e0
• It distracts kids from the important issues. S(++oe a .hil!
i $ol! $ha$/ *e.a(e he ;($ +(n.he! hi *ro$her/ he ha $o #o
$o hi roo% an! %i hi fa-ori$e TV +ro#ra%0 Le$1 +ee& in on
hi%/ i$$in# on hi *e!0 Wha$ !o 'o( i%a#ine i #oin# $hro(#h
hi %in!@ If 'o(r #(e i $ha$ he1 *een refle.$in# on hi
a.$ion/ +erha+ a'in# $o hi%elf $ho(#h$f(ll'/ "Y1&no,/ no, I
ee $ha$ h(r$in# +eo+le i ,ron#5)$hen/ *' all %ean/ &ee+
en!in# 'o(r &i! $o $heir roo% ,hene-er $he' %i*eha-e0
If/ ho,e-er/ li&e an'one ,ho ha e-er +en$ $i%e ,i$h a real
.hil! 9or ha e-er *een one/ for $ha$ %a$$er:/ 'o( fin! $ha$ .e6
nario la(#ha*l' i%+ro*a*le/ $hen ,h' ,o(l! 'o( e-er i%+oe
$hi)or an' o$her)+(nih%en$@ The i!ea $ha$ $i%e6o($ are
an a..e+$a*le for% of !i.i+line *e.a(e $he' #i-e &i! $i%e $o
$hin& $hin# o-er i *ae! on an a*(r!l' (nreali$i. +re%ie0
More #enerall'/ +(nih%en$ !oen1$ lea! .hil!ren $o fo.( on
,ha$ $he'1-e !one/ %(.h le on ,h' $he' !i! i$ or ,ha$ $he'
ho(l! ha-e !one in$ea!0 Ra$her/ i$ lea! $he% $o $hin& a*o($
ho, %ean $heir +aren$ are an! %a'*e ho, $he'1re #oin# $o
#e$ $heir re-en#e 9on $he &i! ,ho #o$ $he% in$o $ro(*le:0
A*o-e all/ $he'1re li&el' $o fo.( on $he +(nih%en$ i$elf7
ho, (nfair i$ i an! ho, $o a-oi! i$ ne2$ $i%e0 P(nihin# &i!)
,i$h $he $hrea$ $ha$ 'o(1ll !o o a#ain if $he' !i+leae 'o( in
$he f($(re)i an e2.ellen$ ,a' $o hone $heir &ill a$ e.a+in#
HB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
!e$e.$ion0 Tell a .hil!7 "I !on1$ ,an$ $o .a$.h 'o( !oin# $ha$
a#ain/5 an! $he .hil! ,ill $hin&/ "O&a'0 Ne2$ $i%e 'o( ,on1$
.a$.h %e05 I$ alo e$ (+ a $ron# in.en$i-e $o lie0 9B' .on$ra$/
.hil!ren ,ho aren1$ +(nihe! are le afrai! of o,nin# (+ $o
,ha$ $he'1-e !one0: Ye$ +(ni$i-e +aren$/ fa.e! ,i$h $he +re6
!i.$a*le !ihone$' $ha$ a..o%+anie $ra!i$ional !i.i+line)"I
!i!n1$ !o i$4 I$ ,a alrea!' *ro&en45)are li&el' $o re+on! $o
$hi no$ *' 3(e$ionin# $heir (e of +(nih%en$/ *($ *' +(n6
ihin# $he .hil! a#ain/ $hi $i%e for l'in#0
• It makes kids more self-centered. The ,or! conse/uences i
$oe! aro(n! a lo$/ no$ onl' a a e(+he%i% for +(nih%en$
*($ alo a a ;($ifi.a$ion for i$)a in "Ki! nee! $o learn $ha$
$here are .one3(en.e for $heir a.$ion05 B($ .one3(en.e $o
,ho%@ The an,er #i-en *' all +(nih%en$ i7 $o 'o(relf0 A
.hil!1 a$$en$ion i fir%l' !ire.$e! $o ho, he +eronall' ,ill *e
affe.$e! *' *rea&in# a r(le or !ef'in# an a!(l$)$ha$ i/ ,ha$
.one3(en.e he ,ill fa.e if he1 .a(#h$0
When ,e +(nih/ in o$her ,or!/ ,e lea! .hil!ren $o a&/
"Wha$ !o $he' 9$he #ro,n6(+ ,i$h $he +o,er: ,an$ %e $o !o/
an! ,ha$ ,ill ha++en $o %e if I !on1$ !o i$@5 No$i.e $ha$ $hi i a
%irror i%a#e of $he 3(e$ion e-o&e! in a ho%e or .laroo% in
,hi.h .hil!ren are +ro%ie! a re,ar! for *ein# #oo!7 "Wha$ !o
$he' ,an$ %e $o !o/ an! ,ha$ ,ill I #e$ for !oin# i$@5 Bo$h
3(e$ion are en$irel' a*o($ elf6in$ere$0 An! *o$h are .o%6
+le$el' !ifferen$ fro% ,ha$ ,e1! li&e &i! $o a& $he%el-e)
for e2a%+le/ "Wha$ &in! of +eron !o I ,an$ $o *e@5
No ,on!er a +air of reear.her/ af$er !i.o-erin# $ha$ +(n6
ihin# .hil!ren in$erfere ,i$h $heir %oral !e-elo+%en$/ %a!e
ene of $ha$ fin!in# *' +oin$in# o($ $ha$ +(nih%en$ "!ire.$
$he .hil! $o $he .one3(en.e of hi *eha-ior for $he a.$or/ $ha$
i/ for $he .hil! hi%elf05
AC
The %ore ,e rel' on +(ni$i-e .on6
e3(en.e/ in.l(!in# $i%e6o($)or re,ar!/ in.l(!in# +raie)
$he le li&el' .hil!ren are $o .oni!er ho, $heir a.$ion affe.$
P U N I T I V E D A M A G E S HA
o$her +eo+le0 9The' %a'/ ho,e-er/ *e.o%e %ore li&el' $o
+er6for% a .o$6*enefi$ anal'i)$ha$ i/ $o ,ei#h $he ri&
of *ein# .a(#h$ an! +(nihe! a#ain$ $he +lea(re of
!oin# ,ha$e-er i$ i $he'1re no$ (++oe! $o !o0:
Thee re+one).al.(la$in# $he ri&/ fi#(rin# o($ ho,
no$ $o #e$ .a(#h$/ l'in# $o +ro$e.$ oneelf)%a&e ene fro%
$he .hil!1 +er+e.$i-e0 The'1re +erfe.$l' ra$ional0 Wha$ $he'1re
no$ i %oral/ an! $ha$1 *e.a(e +(nih%en$)all +(nih%en$/
*' i$ -er' na$(re)i%+e!e %oral $hin&in#0 Th(/ ,hen
!efen!6er of $ra!i$ional !i.i+line ini$ $ha$ &i! are #oin# $o
fa.e .on6e3(en.e for $heir *eha-ior ,hen $he'1re o($ in $he
"real ,orl!/5 $he reaona*le re+one ,o(l! *e $o a& ,ha$
or$ of a!(l$ o($ $here in $he real ,orl! i !i(a!e! fro%
(ne$hi.al *eha-ior onl' ,hen he hi%elf ,ill +a' $he +ri.e 9if
he1 .a(#h$:0 O(r an,er ,o(l! ha-e $o *e7 $he or$ of a!(l$
%o$ of ( ho+e o(r .hil!ren ,on1$ *e.o%e0
O O O
The ar#(%en$ I1-e *een %a&in# i lar#el' a +ra.$i.al one0 B' an' %ean6
in#f(l .ri$eria/ +(nih%en$ i%+l' !oen1$ ,or& -er' ,ell/ an! i$1 no$
reali$i. $o e2+e.$ $ha$ %ore +(nih%en$ 9or a !ifferen$ &in!: ,ill $(rn
$hin# aro(n!0 B($ ho, are ,e $o re+on! $o +aren$ ,ho .on$en! $ha$
e2+lainin#/ reaonin#/ e%+a$hiMin#/ an! o on .an1$ ha-e %ore $han a
li%i$e! i%+a.$/ o ,e nee! $o "+($ o%e $ee$h in$o5 ,ha$ ,e1re $ellin# &i!
an! "#e$ $heir a$$en$ion5 *' i%+oin# a .one3(en.e/ $oo@
To *e#in ,i$h/ no$i.e $ha$ $hi .lai% i *ae! on $he a(%+$ion $ha$
,i$ho($ $he a!!i$ion of o%e .oer.i-e enfor.e%en$ %e.hani%/ .hil6!ren
,ill i#nore $he %o$ i%+or$an$ +eo+le in $heir ,orl!0 Tha$1 a har! .ae $o
%a&e0 S(re/ &i! o%e$i%e i#nore +e.ifi. $hin# ,e $ell $he%/
!e%on$ra$in# a re%ar&a*le .ae of ele.$i-e hearin# ,hen ,e .all $he%
$o !inner or a& $he% $o .lean (+/ *($ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean $he'1re o*li-6io(
$o o(r ,or! an! a.$ion0 On $he .on$rar'/ e-en $he ,or! of $he #en$le$
+aren$)or +erha+ I ho(l! a' especially of $he #en$le$ +ar6en$).arr'
enor%o( .lo($ ;($ *e.a(e of ,ho1 a'in# $he%0
HC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
S$ill/ .o(l! o%eone ar#(e $ha$ $hrea$ an! +(nih%en$ .o%%an!
.hil!ren1 a$$en$ion in a !ifferen$ ,a'@ Ye/ *($ $he ,a' $he' !o o i
$erri*l' .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e0 The -er' fea$(re of +(nih%en$ $ha$ %a&e i$
i%+oi*le $o i#nore alo -ir$(all' en(re $ha$ no #oo! .an .o%e o($ of i$0
Wha$1 #e$$in# $he &i!1 a$$en$ion here i +ain/ alon# ,i$h $he fa.$ $ha$
o%eone on ,ho% $he'1re !e+en!en$ ha .a(e! $ha$ +ain0 Thi i har!l'
li&el' $o +ro!(.e $he effe.$ $ha$ %o$ of ( are loo&in# for0
So%e +aren$ ra$ionaliMe $he (e of +(nih%en$ *' ini$in# $ha$ $he'
reall'/ $r(l' lo-e $heir &i!0 No !o(*$ $hi i $r(e0 B($ i$ .rea$e a !ee+l'
.onf(in# i$(a$ion for .hil!ren0 I$1 har! for $he% $o or$ o($ ,h'
o%eone ,ho .learl' .are for $he% alo %a&e $he% (ffer fro% $i%e $o
$i%e0 I$ .rea$e $he ,ar+e! i!ea/ ,hi.h .hil!ren %a' .arr' ,i$h $he%
$hro(#ho($ $heir li-e/ $ha$ .a(in# +eo+le +ain i +ar$ of ,ha$ i$ %ean $o
lo-e $he%0 Or ele i$ %a' i%+l' $ea.h $ha$ lo-e i ne.earil' .on6
!i$ional/ $ha$ i$ la$ onl' a lon# a +eo+le !o e2a.$l' ,ha$ 'o( ,an$0
Ano$her ra$ionaliMa$ion i $ha$ +(nih%en$ in1$ !e$r(.$i-e a lon#
a i$1 i%+oe! for a #oo! reaon an! a lon# a $ha$ reaon i
e2+laine! $o $he .hil!0 The $r($h i $ha$ explanation doesn0t -ini-i=e
the bad e))ects o) punish-ent so -uch as punish-ent -ini-i=es the
good e))ects o) explanation.
AE
S(++oe 'o( e2+lain $hin# $o 'o(r .hil!
an! $r' $o hel+ her fo.( on ho, her a.$ion ha-e %a!e o%eone ele
feel0 Yo( a'7 "Annie/ ,hen 'o( #ra**e! $he Le#o a,a' fro% <effre'/
'o( %a!e hi% a! *e.a(e no, he .an1$ +la' ,i$h $he%05 B($ ,ha$ if
'o(1re alo in $he ha*i$ of +(nihin# her for .er$ain offene@ The *en6
efi$ of 'o(r e2+lana$ion %a' ,ell *e ,i+e! o($0 If Annie &no, fro%
e2+erien.e $ha$ 'o( %i#h$ en! her $o $he $i%e6o($ .hair or !o o%e6
$hin# ele (n+leaan$ $o her/ he1 no$ $hin&in# a*o($ <effre'0 She1
;($ ,orrie! a*o($ ,ha$ $hi ,ill %ean for her0 The %ore an2io( he1
learne! $o *e.o%e a*o($ $he +oi*ili$' of +(nih%en$/ $he le
.han.e $ha$ %eanin#f(l %oral learnin# ,ill $a&e +la.e0
If 'o( .o%*ine e-er'$hin# in $hi .ha+$er ,i$h $he !i.(ion in .ha+6
$er C/ $hen a lar#er +a$$ern *e#in $o e%er#e0 Wha$ I1-e !e.ri*e! a a
P U N I T I V E D A M A G E S HE
"!oin# $o5 a++roa.h/ ,hi.h en.o%+ae .on!i$ional +aren$in#/
a.$(6all' e2i$ on a .on$in((%)o%e$hin# li&e $hi7
harh .or+oral %il!er o$her $an#i*le -er*al
+(nih%en$ +an&in# +(nih%en$ re,ar! re,ar!
I !on1$ %ean $o a' $ha$ hi$$in# 'o(r .hil! an! a'in# "Goo! ;o*45 are
%orall' e3(i-alen$0 B($ $he' are .on.e+$(all' .onne.$e!0 M' .on.ern i
,i$h all of $hee $e.hni3(e a ,ell a ,i$h $he a(%+$ion $ha$ lin&
$he%0 In %' e2+erien.e/ +aren$ are le li&el' $o e2+lore $he ",or&in#
,i$h5 al$erna$i-e a lon# a $he' $hin& i$1 eno(#h ;($ $o +i.& one of $he
"!oin# $o5 o+$ion on $he ri#h$ i!e of $hi !ia#ra%0 Tha$1 ,h' I1-e +en$
o %(.h $i%e e%+haiMin# ho, i%+or$an$ i$ i $o re;e.$ $he ,hole %o!el0
In effe.$/ I1-e alo *een .hallen#in# a -ie, $ha$ %i#h$ *e .alle! "$he
%ore/ $he %errier05 Thi i $he $en!en.' $o !i%i ar#(%en$ $ha$ an'
+e.ifi. +aren$in# +ra.$i.e i *a! ne, an! o(#h$ $o *e re+la.e! *'
ano$her0 "Wh' no$ !o *o$h@5 o%e +eo+le a&0 "No reaon $o $hro,
an'$hin# o($ of 'o(r $ool*o20 Ue e-er'$hin# $ha$ ,or&05
To *e#in ,i$h/ ,e ho(l! re+on! on.e a#ain7 "Wor& $o !o
,ha$)an! a$ ,ha$ .o$@5 B($ $he real +ro*le% i $ha$ !ifferen$
$ra$e6#ie o%e$i%e ,or& a$ .ro6+(r+oe0 One %a' ,i+e o($
$he +oi6$i-e effe.$ of $he o$her0 Th(/ $he effe.$ of +(nih%en$ i
(.h $ha$ i$ .an (n!er%ine $he *enefi$ of #oo! +aren$in# if $he $,o
a++roa.he are .o%*ine!0
AD
Yo( %a' re.all $he *i$ of fol& ,i!o%/ .onfir%e! *' #enera$ion
of far%er an! #ro.er/ ,arnin# $ha$ a ro$$en a++le +la.e! in a
*arrel f(ll of #oo! a++le .an +oil $he% all0 I$ ,o(l! *e +(hin#
$hin# $o +o$(la$e a &in! of +'.holo#i.al e$h'lene releae! *'
$ra!i$ional !i6.i+line/ analo#o( $o $he #a #i-en off *' *a! fr(i$0
B($ i$ !oe ee% $ha$ $he 3(e$ for o+$i%al re(l$ %a' re3(ire (
$o a*an!on .er$ain +ra.$i.e ra$her $han i%+l' +ilin# o$her/ *e$$er
+ra.$i.e on $o+ of $he%0 We ha-e $o eli%ina$e $he *a! $(ff/ li&e
+(nih%en$ an! re,ar!/ in or!er for $he #oo! $(ff $o ,or&0
AG
G
PUSHED TO SU88EED
A
l$ho(#h i$1 no$ ,i!el' &no,n/ $he ,or! stress, ,hen (e! $o
!e.ri*e o%eone1 e%o$ional $a$e/ i a.$(all' a %e$a+hor0 Ori#6
inall'/ $he $er% ,a li%i$e! $o $he .ien$ifi. $(!' of %e$al an! o$her
%a$erial0 I$ referre! $o $he "$rain or !efor%a$ion5 9I1% 3(o$in# fro%
%' !i.$ionar': $ha$ re(l$ fro% e2.ei-e for.e0 A $eel *ar i .a+a6
*le of $olera$in# onl' o %(.h $re *efore i$ na+0
So/ ,ha$ i i$ $ha$/ fi#(ra$i-el' +ea&in#/ .rea$e a .o%+ara*le
for.e on .hil!ren@ An! ,ha$ ha++en $o $he% ,hen $he' "na+5@
On.e a .hil!1 a#e i re.or!e! in $,o !i#i$/ $he $a&e are
raie! in $he !i.i+line #a%e0 A!ole.en$ .an #e$ in$o %ore
$ro(*le/ an! ,hen $he' 9(n!er$an!a*l': re*el a#ain$ *ein#
.on$rolle!/ +aren$ are of$en $e%+$e! $o reor$ $o e-en $i#h$er
re#(la$ion an! %ore e-ere for% of +(nih%en$0 B($ ol!er
.hil!ren %a' e2+erien.e $re for ano$her reaon/ $oo0
In.reain#l' $he' #e$ $he %ea#e $ha$ $he'1re e2+e.$e! $o *e no$
onl' .o%+lian$ *($ (..ef(l/ no$ onl' $o *e #oo! *($ $o !o ,ell0
For $he la$ .o(+le of !e.a!e/ *oo& *' %en$al heal$h +rofeion6
al an! o$her a($hor ha-e *een ,arnin# ( $ha$ .hil!ren are *ein#
h(rrie! an! +re(re! an! o-er.he!(le!0 A $(!' +(*lihe! in CBBC
fo(n! !i$(r*in#l' hi#h ra$e of !rin&in# 9e+e.iall' a%on# *o': an!
!e+reion 9e+e.iall' a%on# #irl: a%on# (*(r*an ele-en6 an!
P U S H E D T O S U 8 8 E E D
$,el-e6'ear6ol!0 The reear.her +oin$e!l' $ra.e! $hoe
'%+$o% *a.& $o $he fa.$ $ha$ $hee &i! ,ere alrea!' *ein# le!
$o .on.en$ra$e on #e$$in# in$o $o+6ran&e! .olle#e0
F(r$her%ore/ e-en$h6#ra!er ,ho re+or$e! $ha$ $heir +aren$
+la.e! a lo$ of e%+hai on a.a!e%i. a.hie-e%en$ ,ere li&el' $o
ho, i#n of !i$re an! "%ala!a+$i-e +erfe.$ioni%05 Thoe
+ro*6le% ,ere far le .o%%on a%on# $heir .la%a$e ,hoe
+aren$ ,ere %ore .on.erne! a*o($ $heir .hil!ren1 %ell-being
$han a*o($ $heir achieve-ent.
A
No$i.e $ha$ $hee $,o #oal no$ onl'
are !iffer6en$/ *($ o%e$i%e +(ll in o++oi$e !ire.$ion0 An!/ a
$he +'.ho6anal'$ Eri.h Fro%% on.e la%en$e!/ "Fe, +aren$
ha-e $he .o(ra#e an! in!e+en!en.e $o .are %ore for $heir
.hil!ren1 ha++ine $han for $heir (..e05
C
In e2$re%e .ae/ $he "+re for (..e5 .an rea.h a fe-er +i$.h/
(.h $ha$ $he .hil!1 +reen$ i een$iall' %or$#a#e! $o $he f($(re0
A.$i-i$ie $ha$ %i#h$ *rin# %eanin# or en;o'%en$ are a.rifi.e! in a
.eaele effor$ $o +re+are for Har-ar! 9I1-e .o%e $o refer $o $hi
+ro.e a "Pre+ara$ion H5:0 The *o$$o% line i ne-er far fro% $he
%in! of (.h +aren$/ ,ho ,ei#h e-er' !e.iion a*o($ ,ha$ $heir
.hil!ren !o in .hool/ or e-en af$er .hool/ a#ain$ $he 'ar!$i.& of
ho, i$ %i#h$ .on$ri*($e $o f($(re #lorie0 The' are no$ raiin# .hil!ren
o %(.h a li-in# rS(%S/ an! *' $he $i%e hi#h .hool arri-e/ $he
&i! ha-e learne! $o i#n (+ for a.$i-i$ie $ri.$l' $o i%+re .olle#e
a!%iion .o%%i$$ee/ i#norin# 9or/ e-en$(all'/ loin# i#h$ of: ,ha$
$he' +eronall' fin! in$ere$in# in $he here6an!6no,0 The' ha-e
a.3(ire! $he ha*i$ of a&in# $ea.her/ "Do ,e nee! $o &no, $hi@5)
ra$her $han/ a'/ "Wha$ !oe $hi %ean@5)a $he' #ri%l' e$ a*o($
$he *(ine of $r'in# $o ra$.he$ (+ $heir GPA or 3(eeMe o($ ano$her
fe, +oin$ on $he SAT0
S(.h a.hie-e%en$ +re(re are fo(n! in lo$ of fa%ilie ,here
$he &i! are +erfe.$l' ,ell *eha-e! an! ne-er #i-e $heir +aren$ or
$ea.her an' $ro(*le0 In +ar$i.(lar/ hi#hl' (..ef(l +aren$ 9*'
,hi.h I %ean +aren$ ,ho are finan.iall' (..ef(l/ no$ ne.ear6
il' +eo+le ,ho are (..ef(l as +aren$: %a' i%+oe in$ene an!
HF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
of$en (nreali$i. !e%an! on $heir off+rin#0 Tha$ in-e$i#a$ion of
ele-en6 an! $,el-e6'ear6ol! .arrie! $he +ro-o.a$i-e $i$le
"Pri-ile#e! *($ Pre(re!@ A S$(!' of Affl(en$ Yo($h/5 an! one of
i$ a($hor ha! +re-io(l' !i.o-ere! $ha$ rela$i-el' ,eal$h'
$eena#er ha-e hi#her ra$e of (*$an.e a*(e an! an2ie$' $han
!o $heir .o(n$er6+ar$ in $he inner .i$'0
E
Tha$1 a +oin$ ,ell ,or$h %en$ionin# $o $he +aren$ of (*(r*an
$eena#er 9an! oon6$o6*e6$eena#er:0 A$ $he a%e $i%e/ o%e of $he
!e$ail .i$e! *' *oo& $ha$ ,arn a*o($ $he .o$ of +(hin# &i! $o e2.el
%a' *e a *i$ le rele-an$ o($i!e of .o(n$ie ,i$h na%e li&e Fairfiel!
an! We$.he$er an! Marin0 No$ all .hil!ren ha-e af$er6.hool .he!(le
$ha$ ,o(l! e2ha($ a 8EO)or/ if $he' !o/ i$ %a' a' %ore a*o($ $heir
nee! $o hol! !o,n a ;o* a oon a $he'1re ol! eno(#h0 So%e fa%ilie
are %ore ,orrie! a*o($ +a'in# off $heir .ar loan $han fi#(rin# o($ $he
*e$ ro($e for %ane(-erin# a l(2(r' $an& fro% %(i. leon $o
#'%na$i.0 An! if $here are +aren$ ,ho *ai.all' er-e a f(ll6$i%e
.on(l$an$ for $heir .hil!ren1 ".areer/5 le$1 no$ for#e$ $ha$ o%e +eo+le
a.ro $o,n .an onl' i%a#ine ,ha$ i$ %($ *e li&e $o ha-e $he !i+oa*le
in.o%e 9an! !i+oa*le $i%e: $o err in $ha$ !ire.$ion0
In hor$/ $he na$(re of $he +re(re e2+erien.e! *' .hil!ren $en!
$o -ar' *' nei#h*orhoo!0 B($ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean $ha$ onl' ri.h &i! feel
+(he!0 S$r(##lin# ,or&in#6.la +aren$ %a' *e !e$er%ine! $o #i-e
$heir .hil!ren o++or$(ni$ie $ha$ $he' $he%el-e ne-er ha!/ an! e-en
%ore !e$er%ine! $o %a&e (re $heir .hil!ren $a&e f(ll a!-an$a#e of
$hoe o++or$(ni$ie0 The or$ of $re $hi +ro!(.e in1$ e2a.$l' $he
a%e a ,ha$1 fel$ *' $he &i! ,hoe +aren$ ini$ on hirin# a $($or
;($ on +rin.i+le0 B($ i$1 $re ;($ $he a%e0
The effe.$/ %oreo-er/ are +ar$i.(larl' !a%a#in# if &i! 9of an' in.o%e
le-el or e$hni. *a.&#ro(n!: are *ein# +re(re! no$ ;($ $o !o ,ell *($ $o
!o *e$$er $han $heir +eer0 S(.h .hil!ren .o%e $o re#ar! e-er'one aro(n!
$he% a +o$en$ial o*$a.le $o $heir o,n (..e0 The +re!i.$a*le re(l$
in.l(!e aliena$ion an! a##reion/ en-' 9of ,inner: an! .on$e%+$ 9for
loer:0 An! $heir elf6e$ee% of$en (ffer alon# ,i$h $heir rela$ionhi+0
Af$er all/ ,hen 'o(r ene of .o%+e$en.e
P U S H E D T O S U 8 8 E E D
!e+en! on $ri(%+hin# o-er o$her/ 'o( ,ill/ a$ *e$/ feel rea(re!
an! .onfir%e! onl' o%e$i%e0 B' !efini$ion/ no$ e-er'one .an ,in0
Ba.& in $he AIJB/ a +air of +'.holo#i$ $(!ie! %ore $han
ei#h$ h(n!re! hi#h .hool $(!en$ an! !i.o-ere! $ha$ $hoe ,ho
ha! *e.o%e .o%+e$i$i-e ,ere "(ni3(e *' -ir$(e of $heir #rea$er
!e+en!6en.e on e-al(a$ion6 an! +erfor%an.e6*ae! ae%en$
of +eronal ,or$h05 Tranla$ion7 The ,a' $he' -ie,e! $he%el-e
hin#e! on ho, ,ell $he' !i! a$ .er$ain $a& an! on ,ha$ o$her
+eo+le $ho(#h$ of $he%0
D
8o%+e$i$ion %a&e elf6e$ee%
.on!i$ional an! +re.ario(/ an! i$ ha $ha$ effe.$ on ,inner an!
loer ali&e0 Wha$1 %ore/ $he effe.$ in1$ li%i$e! $o "e2.ei-e5
.o%+e$i$ion0 Ra$her/ i$ a++ear $ha$ an'$i%e .hil!ren are e$
a#ain$ one ano$her (.h $ha$ one .an (.6.ee! onl' *' %a&in#
o$her fail/ $here i a +'.holo#i.al +ri.e $o *e +ai!0
All of $hi offer a ne, len/ o $o +ea&/ $hro(#h ,hi.h $o -ie, ,arn6
in# $ha$ ,e1re !oin# $oo %(.h for o(r .hil!ren/ in!(l#in# $he%/
*e.o%in# o-erl' in-ol-e! in $heir li-e0 The real 3(e$ion/ I ,o(l!
ar#(e/ in1$ ho, %(.h ,e1re !oin# *($ %hat ,e1re !oin#0 S(re/ i$
%a&e ene $o eae (+ if ,e1-e #o$$en .arrie! a,a' ,i$h %a&in# &i!
a..o%+lih %ore)or/ ,ore 'e$/ ,i$h $r'in# $o +oi$ion $he% a (+e6
rior $o $heir +eer0 B($ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean ,e ho(l! *e !oin# le +ar6
en$in#0 I$ %ean ,e ho(l! *e !oin# *e$$er +aren$in#)for e2a%+le/
*ein# %ore (++or$i-e an! le .on$rollin#0 9I1ll a' %ore a*o($ ho, $o
!o o in .ha+$er H $hro(#h AB0:
Ra$her $han ;($ a&in# ,he$her ,e1re !oin# $oo %(.h for o(r &i!/
i$ %a' *e %ore (ef(l 9$ho(#h +o$en$iall' %ore (ne$$lin#: $o a& )or
%ho- ,e1re !oin# i$0 A$ fir$ i$ %a' ee% $ha$ +aren$ ,ho +(h are
#(il$' onl' of +la.in# $heir .hil!ren1 ha++ine ahea! of $heir o,n/ a
a re.en$ *oo& a*o($ "h'+er+aren$in#5 +($ i$0 B($ loo& a#ain7 In o%e
.ae/ ,ha$1 reall' #oin# on i a +heno%enon &no,n a BIRG
9Ba&in# in Refle.$e! Glor':0 The $er% ((all' refer $o $he +ri!e an!
e2(l$a$ion of +or$ fan ,hen $heir $ea% ,in/ *($ i$ alo ee% an
HJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
a+$ !e.ri+$ion of +aren$ ,ho !eri-e a -i.ario( ene of
-in!i.a$ion fro% $he (..e of $heir &i!0 Thee are $he fol& ,ho
%ana#e $o le$ 'o( &no,/ ,i$hin a fe, %in($e of %ee$in# $he%/
$ha$ $heir .hil! i in $he #if$e! +ro#ra%/ or %a!e $he all6$a$e $enni
$ea%/ or #o$ in$o S$anfor!)earl' a..e+$an.e/ no le0 9I (e! $o
+aro!' $hi +o$(re *' anno(n.in# $o %' frien! $ha$ I ,a $erri*l'
,orrie! *e.a(e %' !a(#h$er $ill %o-e! her li+ ,hile he ,a
rea!in# e-en $ho(#h he ,a alrea!' $,o 'ear ol!0:
O*-io(l'/ $here1 no$hin# ,ron# ,i$h *ein# +ro(! of o(r &i!0 B($
,hen $he *ra##in# ee% e2.ei-e),hen i$1 $oo in$ene/ or $oo fre6
3(en$/ or $ar$ (+ $oo 3(i.&l')i$1 +oi*le $ha$ $he +aren$1 i!en$i$' i
a li$$le $oo ,ra++e! (+ in $he .hil!1 a..o%+lih%en$0 Thi i +ar6
$i.(larl' $r(e ,hen $he *oa$ o(n!/ ,ell/ %ore $ri(%+han$ $han lo-6
in#0 The' ha-e a .o%+e$i$i-e rin# $o $he%/ $he no$6o6(*$le +oin$
*ein# $ha$ $he .hil! in 3(e$ion in1$ ;($ %ar$ *($ %ar$er $han e-er'
o$her &i!0 9I$1 $he a%e ,i$h $hoe (*i3(i$o( *(%+er $i.&er7
MY 8HILD IS AN HONORS STUDENT AT THE SO6AND6SO S8HOOL),i$h $he
(n!er$oo! +o$.ri+$ AND YOURS ISN1T0:
G
Li$enin# $o $hee +aren$/ 'o( *e#in $o (+e.$ $ha$ $he
a..o%6+lih%en$ ha-en1$ e2a.$l' ha++ene! on $heir o,n/ *($
ha-e *een .oa2e! o($ of $he .hil! *' a %o% or !a! ,ho i
ho-erin# $oo .loe/ +(hin# $oo har!/ an! %a'*e lo-in# no$ $oo
%(.h *($ $oo .on!i$ion6all'0 Yo( .an1$ hel+ ,on!erin# ,he$her $heir
&i! *elie-e $he'1! $ill *e lo-e! e-en if $he' $o++e! *ein# o
i%+rei-e0 The (n.on.io( e3(a$ion "M' &i!1 a (..e/
$herefore I a%/ $oo5)or %a'*e e-en "M' &i!1 a (..e/ an! I1%
$he reaon5)i !ire.$l' $ie! $o $a.$i. (.h a $he ele.$i-e (e of
+oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$/ ,here .hil!ren fi#6(re o($ $ha$ $he' ha-e $o
%a&e #oo! in or!er $o #e$ h(# an! %ile/ an! $ha$ $heir +aren$
aren1$ +ro(! of $he% for ,ho $he' are/ onl' for ,ha$ $he' !o0
Ba.& ,hen I ,a #ro,in# (+/ o%e +aren$ $rie! $o $ar$ $heir .hil6
!ren in &in!er#ar$en a 'ear earl'/ or arran#e for $he% $o &i+ a #ra!e
la$er on/ o $he' ,o(l! *e $ha$ %(.h f(r$her ahea! on $he roa! $o 0 0 0
,here-er i$ ,a $he' ,ere ra.in#0 Thee !a'/ $he a%e or$ of +aren$
P U S H E D T O S U 8 8 E E D
%a&e a +oin$ of %aiting a 'ear *efore ha-in# $heir &i! $ar$ .hool o
$ha$ $he'1ll *e ol!er)an! $herefore/ +re(%a*l'/ %ore a!e+$)$han
$heir .la%a$e0 9Thi +ra.$i.e i &no,n a redshirting)ano$her $er%
*orro,e! fro% .o%+e$i$i-e +or$0: The AJB6!e#ree hif$ in $ra$e#' i
al%o$ .o%i.al/ *($ $he real 3(e$ion in ei$her .ae i ,he$her $he
!e.iion i reall' *ein# %a!e on $he *ai of ,ha$1 *e$ for $he .hil!0
F
A#ain/ ,e nee! $o a& no$ ;($ ,he$her $he +aren$ i $oo in-ol-e!/ *($
,ha$ for% $he in-ol-e%en$ $a&e an! ,ha$1 %o$i-a$in# i$0
!t &chool
When 'o(1re $r(l' fo.(e! on ,ha$1 in 'o(r &i!1 *e$ in$ere$)
an! ,illin# $o 3(e$ion $he .on-en$ional ,i!o%)'o( %a' en! (+
o-er6$(rnin# o%e -er' +o+(lar a(%+$ion a*o($ $he na$(re of
(..e0 Ta&e #ra!e0 E-en %an' $ho(#h$f(l an! re+e.$f(l
+aren$ ha-e a..e+$e! on fai$h $ha$ i$1 a #oo! i#n ,hen &i! #e$
#oo! #ra!e0 The'1re $herefore !eli#h$e! $o ee $heir .hil!ren
!oin# o0 E-en *efore $a&in# a har! loo& a$ $he %e$ho! $ha$ o%e
+aren$ (e $o %a&e .hil6!ren ,or& $o,ar! $ha$ #oal/ ho,e-er/ I
,an$ $o o(n! a no$e of .a(6$ion a*o($ $he ,hole i!ea of #ra!e0
M' .on.ern are *ae! on $he fa.$ $ha$ $here are !ifferen$ &in! of
%o$i-a$ion/ ,hi.h aren1$ e3(all' !eira*le 9ee ++0 EEQED:0 There1 a
h(#e !ifferen.e *e$,een a $(!en$ ,hoe o*;e.$i-e i $o #e$ a #oo!
#ra!e an! a $(!en$ ,hoe o*;e.$i-e i $o ol-e a +ro*le% or (n!er6
$an! a $or'0 Wha$1 %ore/ $he reear.h (##e$ $ha$ ,hen &i! are
en.o(ra#e! $o fo.( on #e$$in# *e$$er %ar& in .hool/ $hree $hin#
$en! $o ha++en7 The' loe in$ere$ in $he learnin# i$elf/ $he' $r' $o
a-oi! $a& $ha$ are .hallen#in#/ an! $he'1re le li&el' $o $hin& !ee+l'
an! .ri$i.all'0
H
Le$1 e2+lore ea.h of $hee0
1. <($ a .hil!ren ,ho are re,ar!e! for $heir #eneroi$' ((all' en!
(+ *ein# le #enero(/ o $(!en$ ,ho #e$ A1)or/ %ore $o $he
+oin$/ $(!en$ ,hoe %ain #oal i $o #e$ A1)are a+$ $o *e.o%e
le in$ere$e! in ,ha$ $he'1re learnin#0 Thi !oen1$
JB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
ha++en ,i$h e-er' .hil!N o%e ee% $o ha-e a na$(ral
i%%(ni$' $o $he !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ of #ra!e0 B($ $he ri& i
-er' hi#h for %o$ .hil!ren0 A far a I &no,/ e-er' in#le $(!'
$ha$ ha loo&e! a$ $hi 3(e$ion ha fo(n! $ha$ $(!en$ ,ho
are $ol! $ha$ an ai#n%en$ ,ill *e #ra!e! are le li&el' $o
en;o' ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#)an! $o ,an$ $o .o%e *a.& $o i$ on
$heir o,n $i%e)a .o%+are! ,i$h $(!en$ ,ho !o $he e2a.$
a%e ai#n%en$ *($ ,i$ho($ an' %en$ion of #ra!e0 E-en a
$errifi. $or'/ or an e2.i$in# .ien.e +ro;e.$/ 3(i.&l' *e.o%e
le a++eal6in# ,hen i$1 .on$r(e! a o%e$hin# 'o( ha-e $o
#e$ $hro(#h $o na# $he A or ABB or #ol! $ar0 The %ore a .hil!
i $hin&in# a*o($ #ra!e/ $he %ore li&el' i$ i $ha$ hi or her
na$(ral .(rio6i$' a*o($ $he ,orl! ,ill $ar$ $o e-a+ora$e0
2. Gra!e lea! $(!en$ $o +i.& $he eaie$ +oi*le ai#n%en$
,hen $he'1re #i-en a .hoi.e0 I%+re (+on $he% $ha$ ,ha$ $he'1re
!oin# ".o(n$5 $o,ar! a #ra!e/ an! $heir re+one ,ill li&el' *e $o
a-oi! $a&in# an' (nne.ear' ri&0 I$ !oen1$ $a&e &i! lon# $o
fi#(re o($ $ha$ !oin# eaier $a& i $he (re$ ro($e $o *e$$er
re(l$0 The'1ll .hooe a hor$er *oo&/ or an ea' on a %ore
fa%iliar $o+i./ in or!er $o %ini%iMe $he .han.e of !oin# +oorl'0 Thi
!oen1$ %ean $he'1re "(n%o$i-a$e!5 or $ha$ $he'1re *ein# laM'0 I$
%ean $he'1re *ein# ra$ional0 The'1re re+on!in# $o a!(l$ ,ho/ *'
$ellin# $he% $he #oal i $o #e$ a #oo! #ra!e/ are en!in# $he
%ea#e $ha$ success -atters -ore than learn-ing0 One $(!'
fo(n! $ha$ +aren$ ,ho -al(e! a.hie-e%en$ a*o-e o$her #oal
,ere %ore li&el' $o ,an$ $heir .hil!ren $o .hooe +ro;e.$ "$ha$
,o(l! in-ol-e a %ini%(% of $r(##le an! li&el' re(l$ in (..e5
ra$her $han $hoe ",here $he'1ll learn a
lo$ of ne, $hin# *($ alo %a&e a lo$ of %i$a&e05
J
B'
.on$ra$/ ,hen +aren$ %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ learnin# 9an!
e2.i$e%en$ a*o($ learnin#: i %ore i%+or$an$ $han $he
3(ali$' of $he +ro!(.$/ &i! are %ore in.line! $o $re$.h
$he%el-e/ $o $a.&le o%e$hin# in$ere$in# an! ne,/ e-en if
$he'1re no$ (re ho, ,ell $he'1ll en! (+ !oin#0
P U S H E D T O S U 8 8 E E D
3. A 3(e$ for #oo! #ra!e of$en lea! $(!en$ $o $hin& in a %ore
hallo, an! (+erfi.ial ,a'0 The' %a' &i% *oo& for ,ha$ $he'1ll
"nee! $o &no,/5 !oin# ;($ ,ha$1 re3(ire! an! no %ore0 The' %a'
!e-ie $ri.& for a.in# $he e2a%0 The' %a' e-en .hea$0 Ki! ,ho
are #oo! a$ +la'in# $he #a%e ,ill +a $he $e$/ #e$ $he A/ an!
+leae $he +aren$0 B($ !o $he' en! (+ re%e%6*erin# ,ha$ $he'
,ere $a(#h$@ Do $he' .o%e (+ ,i$h ne, an! in-en$i-e ,a' of
ol-in# +ro*le%@ Do $he' a& $ho(#h$f(l 3(e$ion a*o($ ,ha$
$he $ea.her ai!/ or $hin& .ri$i.all' a*o($ ,ha$ ,a in $he *oo&@ Do
$he' %a&e .onne.$ion *e$,een !i-ere i!ea an! loo& a$ a $o+i.
fro% !ifferen$ an#le@ So%e6$i%e/ +erha+/ $he' !o/ *($ $he
reear.h a' $hee $hin# are le li&el' $o ha++en if $he +oin$ i
no$ o %(.h $o (n!er$an! a $o +ro!(.e a #lo,in# re+or$ .ar!0
The $i$le of one .holarl' ar$i.le a*o($ re,ar! in #eneral i a #oo!
!e.ri+$ion of #ra!e in +ar$i.(lar7 "Ene%ie of E2+lora$ion05
In (%7 The %ore ,e ,an$ o(r .hil!ren $o 9A: *e lifelon# learn6er/
#en(inel' e2.i$e! a*o($ ,or! an! n(%*er an! i!ea/ 9C: a-oi!
$i.&in# ,i$h ,ha$1 ea' an! afe/ an! 9E: *e.o%e o+hi$i.a$e!
$hin&er/ $he %ore ,e ho(l! !o e-er'$hin# +oi*le $o hel+ $he% for6
#e$ a*o($ #ra!e0 Be$$er 'e$/ ,e1! ,an$ $o en.o(ra#e $ea.her an!
+rin.i+al $o %ini%iMe 9or e-en eli%ina$e: $he (e of #ra!e0 A o%e6
one ,ho ,or& ,i$h e!(.a$or all o-er $he .o(n$r'/ I .an $ell 'o( $ha$
%an' of $he .hool $ha$ are $r(l' .o%%i$$e! $o hi#h63(ali$' learn6in#
)an! $o en(rin# $ha$ $(!en$ !on1$ loe $heir na$(ral love of
learnin#)%a&e a +oin$ of a-oi!in# le$$er an! n(%*er #ra!e al$o6
#e$her0 The' fin! %ore infor%a$i-e an! le !e$r(.$i-e %e$ho!/
(.h a ,ri$$en (%%arie or +eronal .on-era$ion/ for le$$in#
+aren$ &no, ho, ,ell $heir .hil!ren are !oin# an! ,here $he' %i#h$
nee! hel+0 An!/ no/ $hee $(!en$ !on1$ ha-e an' $ro(*le #e$$in# in$o
.ol6le#e a a re(l$ of $he a*en.e of #ra!e0
S(.h .hool are $ill in $he %inori$'/ of .o(re0 Mo$ .on$in(e $o
rel' on $ra!i$ional re+or$ .ar!/ an! i$1 (n!er$an!a*le $ha$ +aren$
JC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
,o(l! feel rea(re! *' #oo! one an! ,orrie! a*o($ *a! one0
We1re ,e+$ alon# ,i$h $he $i!e0 We ,an$ o(r &i! $o #e$ #oo! #ra!e
*e.a(e $ha$ ee% $o *e $he *e$ in!i.a$or of .hool (..e/ an!
alo *e.a(e fe, of ( ha-e e-er *een $ol! a*o($ $he !e$r(.$i-e
effe.$ of #ra!e)or $he al$erna$i-e $o $he%0 Wha$1 %ore/ %e ,ere
ra$e! an! #ra!e! ,hen ,e ,ere in .hool0 B($ $ha$ ;($ %a&e i$ %ore
i%+or$an$ $o (n!er$an! $he +o$en$ial har% of a +ra.$i.e ,e1-e .o%e
$o $a&e for #ran$e!/ an! $o realiMe $ha$ $he i%+or$an$ 3(e$ion in1$
,ha$ #ra!e o(r &i! #e$/ *($ ,he$her $he'1-e .o%e $o ee #ra!e a
%ore i%+or6$an$ $han learnin#0
Gra!e *' $he%el-e are +ro*le%a$i.0 B($ ,hen ,e reall' +(h
o(r &i! $o #e$ *e$$er #ra!e)in effe.$/ $a&in# a fla,e! #oal an!
%arr'in# i$ $o a fla,e! %e$ho!)$he !a%a#e i !o(*le!0
The e-i!en.e i +re$$' .lear $ha$ $oo %(.h .on$rol in general
.an ha-e a ne#a$i-e i%+a.$/ no$ onl' on .hil!ren1 %en$al heal$h
*($ alo on ho, ,ell $he' !o in .hool0 Ki! are le li&el' $o
(..ee! on a ran#e of %ea(re of .laroo% a.hie-e%en$ if $heir
+aren$ !on1$ #i-e $he% %(.h o++or$(ni$' $o %a&e !e.iion or $o
feel a ene of elf6!e$er%ina$ion0
I
I$1 alo .lear $ha$ $oo %(.h
+aren$al .on$rol speci)i-cally related to school assign-ents i
+o$en$iall' !a%a#in#0 Tha$ .on.l(ion e%er#e! fro% $he $(!'
ho,in# $ha$ &i! en! (+ learn6in# le ,ell ,hen $heir +aren$ (e
a .on$rollin# $'le ,hile !oin# ho%e,or& ,i$h $he% 9+0 FB:0
B($ no, le$1 a!! $ha$ .on$rol speci)ically related to grades i alo *a!0
So%e +aren$ +ro%ie .hil!ren an'$hin# fro% .an!' $o .ah $o .ar ,hen
$he' *rin# ho%e a #oo! re+or$ .ar!0 9Sin.e #ra!e $he%6el-e are
((all' !ei#ne! $o f(n.$ion a e2$rini. %o$i-a$or/ $hi a%o(n$ $o
offerin# a re,ar! for a re,ar!0: So%e +aren$ (e +(ni6$i-e .on$rol/
$hrea$enin# $heir .hil!ren ,i$h -ario( (n+leaan$ $hin# if $he ne, fro%
.hool in1$ #oo!0 T,o !ifferen$ $(!ie ha-e +ro-e! $ha$ $hee $a.$i. a$
*e$ !on1$ hel+ an! a$ ,or$ e2a.er*a$e $he +ro*6le%0 S+e.ifi.all'/
.hil!ren ,ho ,ere offere! in.en$i-e for #oo! #ra!e
P U S H E D T O S U 8 8 E E D
or #i-en .one3(en.e for *a! #ra!e $en!e! $o *e.o%e le
in$ere$e! in learnin# an!/ a a re(l$/ le li&el' $o !o ,ell in
.hool la$er on/ a++aren$l' a a !ire.$ re(l$ of $hee +aren$al
in$er-en$ion0 In fa.$/ $he %ore $ha$ a.hie-e%en$ ,a $he +aren$1
.hief .on.ern/ $he lo,er ,a $he .hil!1 a.hie-e%en$0
AB
Thi +ara!o2/ of .o(re/ i $ri&in#l' i%ilar $o $he ,a' $ha$ hea-'6
han!e! !i.i+line $e.hni3(e .an %a&e .hil!ren le li&el' $o !o ,ha$
$he'1re $ol!0 In *o$h i$(a$ion/ ,e1re ,i$nein# $he ,a' $ha$ .on$rol $en!
$o *a.&fire0 In $he .ae of #ra!e/ $he reear.h i ;($ .onfir%in#
o%e$hin# $ha$ %an' of ( ha-e een0 Yo( +(h &i! har!)a'/ $o !o
$heir ho%e,or&)an! of$en $he'1ll $r' $o al-a#e $heir a($ono%' ei$her
$hro(#h o($ri#h$ re*ellion or $hro(#h a &in! of +ai-e rei$an.e7 The'
for#e$/ $he' ,hine/ $he' +($ off $(!'in# an! fin! o$her $hin# $o !o0 The
%ore 'o( le.$(re $he% a*o($ $he i%+or$an.e of #oo! #ra!e/ or rel' on
.arro$ an! $i.& $o %a&e i$ ,or$h $heir ,hile $o #e$ $he%/ $he %ore $he'
reen$ *ein# .on$rolle! an! $he lo,er $heir #ra!e fall0
Wha$1 $ro(*lin# a*o($ $hi i no$ $ha$ &i! %a' en! (+ ,i$h
lo,er #ra!e0 Af$er all/ I1-e *een ar#(in# $ha$ #ra!e aren1$ $erri*l'
%ean6in#f(l0 Ra$her/ ,ha$ o(#h$ $o .on.ern ( i $he +oi*ili$' $ha$
&i! %a' fi#h$ *a.& a#ain$ $he +re(re $o !o *e$$er in .hool *'
in-e$in# le effor$/ ,i$h $he re(l$ $ha$ $he' a.$(all' learn le0
Ne-er %in! !i6a++oin$in# re+or$ .ar!7 If ,e +(h .hil!ren $oo
har!/ $he' %a' ,in! (+ !oin# le 9or +oorer 3(ali$': $hin&in#0
Of .o(re/ $here1 a .han.e $ha$ .oer.ion ,ill .arr' $he !a'/ $ha$
,hen ,e $i#h$en $he .re,/ o%e &i! %a' hi$ $he *oo& an! *rin#
(+ $heir #ra!e e2a.$l' a ,e in$en!e!0 We %i#h$ e-en (..ee! in
#e$6$in# $he% in$o $he .olle#e of o(r)e2.(e %e/ $heir).hoi.e0 B($
a#ain/ e2a.$l' a ,i$h !i.i+line/ $here1 ((all' a $ee+ +ri.e $o *e
+ai! for (.h -i.$orie0 Wha$ ha o(r in$er-en$ion !one $o $he ,a' &i!
feel a*o($ $he%el-e/ an! a*o($ (@ Wha$ !oe $he $re !o $o $heir
e%o6$ional heal$h@ An! ,ha$ a*o($ $heir interest in rea!in# an!
$hin&in#@ If #ra!e *' $he%el-e .an %a&e learnin# ee% li&e a
.hore/ ;($ i%a#6ine ho, $ha$ effe.$ i %(l$i+lie! *' $he a!!i$ion of
+aren$al +re(re $o i%+ro-e $hoe #ra!e0
JD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
"I !on1$ hear +aren$ !i.(in# ho, $o hel+ .hil!ren lo-e rea!in#/5
one Ne, Yor& $ea.her o*er-e0 "I hear $he% !i.(in# ho, $he' #o$
$hee .hil!ren $o rea! a$ a 'o(n# an a#e a +oi*le05
AA
An! $hoe
*a.&,ar! +riori$ie ha-e effe.$ $ha$ are *o$h +re!i.$a*le an! +eri$6
en$0 For e2a%+le/ a frien! of %ine ,ho .o(nel $(!en$ in Flori!a
on.e $ol! %e a*o($ a hi#h .hool .lien$ of hi ,ho ,a on $he honor
roll an! ha! a%aMin# *oar! .ore0 I$ re%aine! onl' $o &no.& o($ a
!aMMlin# ea' on hi .olle#e a++li.a$ion $ha$ ,o(l! .lin.h $he ale0
"Wh' !on1$ ,e $ar$ ,i$h o%e *oo& $ha$ ha! an i%+a.$ on 'o(/5
(##e$e! $he .o(nelor0 "Tell %e a*o($ o%e$hin# 'o(1-e rea! for
+lea(re)no$ for an ai#n%en$05 A +ainf(l ilen.e follo,e!0 There
,ere no *oo& $o *e li$e!N $he -er' .on.e+$ of rea!in# for +lea(re
,a (nfa%iliar $o $hi $ellar $(!en$0 I ha-e $ol! $hi $or' !(rin# le.6
$(re $o +aren$ an! e!(.a$or/ onl' $o ee hea! no!!in# all o-er $he
a(!i$ori(%0 In %an' +la.e/ (.h $(!en$ are $he r(le ra$her $han $he
e2.e+$ion0 Wh' ,o(l! $he' ,an$ $o rea! o%e$hin# $ha$ ,an1$
re3(ire!@ No #ra!e@ No $e$@ No +oin$0
Ironi.all'/ o%e +aren$ are +leae! ,hen $he' no lon#er ha-e $o
$an! *ehin! $heir &i!/ #oa!in#/ e2hor$in#/ +(hin# $he% $o $r'
har!er0 A$ o%e +oin$ $he .hil!ren in$ernaliMe $hee +re(re an!/ o
$o +ea&/ $a&e $he ,hi+ in$o $heir o,n han!0 The' feel o%e$hin# i
,ron# ,i$h $he% ,hen $he' !on1$ (..ee!0 B' no,/ $he %o$i-a$ion $o
$(!' an! a.hie-e i internal, *($ i$ (rel' in1$ intrinsic. The' !o i$ on
$heir o,n/ *($ i$ !oen1$ feel freel' .hoen)an! i$ !oen1$ feel ;o'6f(l0
Tha$ &in! of in$ernaliMa$ion i o%e$hin# ,e o(#h$ $o fear an! $ri-e $o
+re-en$0 Af$er all/ $he .(rioi$' $ha$ *(**le (+ o($ of 'o(n# .hil!ren
!oen1$ !ia++ear na$(rall'/ li&e *a*' $ee$h0 Ra$her/ i$1 %o$h6ere! *'
+e.ifi. $hin# $ha$ ha++en)$hin# $ha$ !on1$ ha-e $o ha+6+en)in
fa%ilie an! .hool0
So7 Gra!e are *a!/ an! (in# .on$rollin# $e.hni3(e $o %a&e &i!
fo.( on *rin#in# (+ $heir #ra!e i ,ore0 Wor$ of all/ $ho(#h/ i
,hen $hoe .on$rollin# $e.hni3(e a!! (+ $o .on!i$ional +aren$in#0
P U S H E D T O S U 8 8 E E D
So%e +aren$ !on1$ offer %one' for $rai#h$ A1N in$ea!/ $he' +a'
off $heir &i! ,i$h affe.$ion an! a++ro-al0 In effe.$/ $he'1re (in#
$heir lo-e a a le-er $o #e$ $heir &i! $o (..ee!)$o $he +oin$ $ha$
$heir .hil6!ren %a' .o%e $o feel a $ho(#h $heir +aren$1 +oi$i-e
feelin# for $he% rie an! fall ,i$h $heir #ra!e +oin$ a-era#e0
The i$(a$ion i +ar$i.(larl' o%ino( ,hen lo-e ee% $o *e ".on6
$in#en$ (+on %ee$in# -er' hi#h an! of$en (nreali$i. $an!ar!/5 a
one reear.her +($ i$0 When .hil!ren feel $he' %($ &ee+ !oin#
i%+re6i-e $hin# o $heir +aren$ ,ill *e +ro(! of $he%/ $heir
a..e+$an.e of $he%el-e %a' *e.o%e e3(all' .on!i$ional0 "So%e of
$hee &i! li-e in .on$an$ fear of le$$in# $heir +aren$ !o,n/5 o*er-e
Lilian Ka$M/ an e2+er$ on earl'6.hil!hoo! e!(.a$ion0 In fa.$/ a ne,
$(!' fin! $ha$ .hil!ren ,hoe +aren$ (e lo-e6,i$h!ra,al
$e.hni3(e are e+e.iall' li&el' $o har*or an (nheal$h' fear of fail(re0
9In$ere$in#l'/ $he $(!' alo (##e$ $ha$ $he +aren$1 !e.iion $o (e
$hee $e.hni3(e %a' *e rela$e! $o $heir o,n fear of fail(re0:
AC
A+ar$ fro% *ein# +'.holo#i.all' !e$r(.$i-e/ $hi +a$$ern .an *e
li$erall' .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e/ (n!er%inin# 9on.e a#ain: e2a.$l' ,ha$ $he
+aren$ ha! ho+e! $o +ro%o$e0 For e2a%+le/ o%e .hil!ren en#a#e in
,ha$1 &no,n a "elf6han!i.a++in#57 The' .eae $o %a&e an effor$ in
or!er $o .rea$e an e2.(e for no$ (..ee!in#0 Thi le$ $he% +reer-e
$he i!ea $ha$ $he'1re %ar$0 The'1re a*le $o $ell $he%el-e $ha$ if $he'
had $(!ie!/ $he' %i#h$ ha-e !one in.re!i*l' ,ell0 The %ore -(lner6
a*le $heir ene of elf6,or$h/ $he %ore $e%+$in# $he (r#e i $o +ro$e.$
i$ *' ;($ #i-in# (+0 To +($ $hi ano$her ,a'/ *' han!i.a++in# $heir
+erfor%an.e $he' in.reae $he .han.e of failin#/ *($ $he' !o o $o
a-oi! ha-in# $o $hin& of $he%el-e a fail(re)an! $herefore a
*ein# (n,or$h' of lo-e0
!t 6Play8
In o%e fa%ilie/ (..e i %ore a*o($ a$hle$i. $han a*o($ a.a!e%6
i.0 B($ $he +re(re $o a.hie-e $ha$ (..e)alon# ,i$h $he .o$)
JF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
in1$ all $ha$ !ifferen$0 Wen!' Grolni.&/ ,hoe reear.h on +aren$al
.on$rol I1-e alrea!' !e.ri*e!/ ha *een $r(.& no$ onl' *' $he re(l$
of her .ien$ifi. $(!ie *($ alo *' ,ha$ he ee aro(n! $o,n0 She
$ell a $or'/ for e2a%+le/ of .ha$$in# ,i$h a *o'1 %o$her a$ a ,i%
%ee$ one !a' an! no$i.in# $he ,o%an1 (e of $he +l(ral/ a in "We
!e.i!e! ,e ,o(l! ,i% $hi 'ear/5 e-en $ho(#h he .learl' ,an1$
$al&6in# a*o($ #e$$in# in $he ,a$er herelf0 Her on .li%*e! o($ of $he
+ool ri#h$ a*o($ $hen an! ,al&e! o-er $o her/ o*-io(l' (+e$/ a'in#
$ha$ he ha! ha! eno(#h of .o%+e$i$ion0 The %o$her %a!e a -ii*le
effor$ $o %ain$ain her .o%+o(re/ #lan.e! aro(n! $o ee if an'one
,a li6$enin#/ an! infor%e! hi% he ,a #oin# $o .on$in(e ,i%%in#
,he$her he li&e! i$ or no$0 When $he *o' +ro$e$e!/ he ai!/ "If 'o(
!on1$ ,i% $o!a'/ i$1 o-er0 Yo( are no$ #oin# $o !o $hi $o %e a#ain05
The *o' *e#an $o o* %iera*l'0
AE
An'one ,ho ha +en$ $i%e a$ *all+ar&/ o..er fiel!/ or ho.&e'
rin& ha i%ilar $orie $o $ell of a++allin# +aren$al *eha-ior0 Da!
an! %o% ,ho .rea% a$ referee/ a$ .oa.he/ a$ o++oin# $ea%/
e-en a$ $heir o,n .hil!ren are e-er',here/ i$ ee%N $he +ro*le% ha
*e.o%e en!e%i.0 B($ %ore $ellin#/ +erha+/ are $he +aren$ ,ho (e
a li#h$er $o(.h/ $hoe ,ho %a&e a +oin$ of anno(n.in# $ha$ ,innin#
!oen1$ reall' %a$$er $ha$ %(.h0 The' re.oil fro% $he *eha-ior of $ha$
a*(i-e +aren$ !o,n $he *lo.&/ *($ $he' ne-er$hele %ana#e $o
%a&e .lear $o $heir .hil!ren $ha$ +ar$i.i+a$ion in .o%+e$i$i-e +or$ i
e2+e.$e!0 An! o i (..e0
Follo,in# o%e of %' le.$(re/ I1-e ha! +aren$ ee& %e o($ $o
e%+haiMe $ha$ ",e onl' a& of o(r ?a.h $ha$ he !o hi *e$05 M' fir$
rea.$ion i $ha$ ha-in# $o !o 'o(r *e$ a$ a #a%e i a far .r' fro% i%6
+l' ha-in# f(n0 M' e.on! rea.$ion i $ha$ i$1 of$en +erfe.$l' .lear $o
?a.h $ha$ o%e$hin# ele i #oin# on (n!ernea$h $hee oo$hin#
a(r6an.e0 I ,an$ $o a&7 "When ?a.h .o%e ho%e an! a' he !i!
hi *e$/ !o 'o( rea.$ $he a%e ,a' a ,hen he .o%e ho%e ,i$h a
$ro6+h'@ If no$/ $hen he1 +ro*a*l' fi#(re! o($ $ha$ 'o(r a$$en$ion an!
e2.i$e%en$ !e+en! a$ lea$ +ar$l' on hi a.hie-e%en$)or/ %ore +re6
.iel'/ on hi !efea$in# o$her &i!05 I$ !oen1$ %a$$er ,he$her ,e1re
P U S H E D T O S U 8 8 E E D
$al&in# a*o($ a $ro+h' or an A/ a*o($ .orin# $he ,innin# #oal or
%a&in# $he honor roll0 The +oin$ i $ha$ &i! in (.h fa%ilie feel
$he' %($ (..ee! in or!er $o *e lo-e!0
In e2$re%e .ae/ ,e fin! +aren$ ,ho nee! $heir .hil!ren $o $ri6
(%+h o $ha$ $he' $he%el-e .an feel (..ef(l0 B($ e-en
+eo+le ,ho aren1$ li&e $ha$/ e-en $hoe ,ho +ri!e $he%el-e on
no$ #e$$in# .ar6rie! a,a'/ %a' ,an$ $o re$hin& $heir e-er'!a'
*eha-ior an! ,ei#h ,ha$ $he'1re !oin# a#ain$ ,ha$ $he' ,an$ for
$heir .hil!ren in $he lon# r(n0 Are o(r #oal li&el' $o *e a.hie-e! if
,e +(h o(r &i! $o (..ee!@ If $he'1re !oin# i$ %o$l' for (@ If i$1
no$ reall' f(n *($ $he'1re afrai! $o a' o@
Man' 'ear a#o/ I ,a a #(e$ on a ,ell6&no,n af$ernoon $al&
ho,0 Si$$in# alon#i!e %e ,a a e-en6'ear6ol! *o' na%e! K'le
,hoe +ar6en$ ,ere !e-o$in# %o$ of $heir $i%e/ a ,ell a an
in.on.ei-a*le a%o(n$ of %one'/ $o $he +ro;e.$ of %a&in# hi% in$o a
$enni $ar0 Hi %o$her ini$e! $ha$ i$ ,a en$irel' $he *o'1 !e.iion
$o +la')e-en $ho(#h he herelf ,a a $enni $ar an! hi in$eni-e
leon ha! $ar$e! ,hen he ,a $,o0 9La$er/ he li++e! an! ai!
o%e$hin# a*o($ ,h' he an! her h(*an! ha! "+($ hi%5 in $enni a
o++oe! $o ano$her +or$0: We learne! $ha$ he +ra.$i.e! *e$,een $,o
an! fi-e ho(r a !a'/ an! ,e ,a$.he! a $a+e of hi% ener#e$i.all'
re$(rnin# er-e an! .a%+erin# aro(n! $he .o(r$0 Then/ in $he final
%o%en$ of $he +ro#ra%/ a $he .loin# .re!i$ ,ere .ra,lin# (+ $he
.reen/ o%eone in $he a(!ien.e a&e! K'le ho, he fel$ ,hen he
lo$0 He lo,6ere! hi hea! an!/ in a %all -oi.e/ re+lie!/ "Aha%e!05
Thi 3(ie$/ one6,or! re+l' .o%e *a.& $o %e a I $hin& a*o($ $he
.one3(en.e of +(hin# .hil!ren0 Fe, +aren$ #o $o $he len#$h $ha$
K'le1 !i!/ $han& #oo!ne/ *($ $he ha%e he fel$ in loin#/ in le$$in#
!o,n $he +eo+le ,ho ,ere e2+e.$in#/ if no$ !e%an!in#/ re(l$ fro%
hi%/ ,ill *e fa%iliar $o +len$' of .hil!ren in o(r o,n nei#h*orhoo!0
Perha+ +ar$ of $he +ro*le% i ,i$h $enni i$elf an! o$her +or$0 <($
a $here are *e$$er ,a' $o .o%%(ni.a$e a*o($ .hil!ren1 .hool
+erfor%an.e $han #i-in# le$$er #ra!e/ o I *elie-e $here are *e$$er ,a'
for &i! $o ha-e f(n 9an! #e$ e2er.ie an! a.3(ire +h'i.al &ill: $han
JJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
*' +la'in# #a%e in ,hi.h one +eron .an (..ee! onl' *'
%a&in# o%eone ele fail0
AD
Ho,e-er/ e-en +aren$ ,ho aren1$
in.line! $o .on6i!er $hoe al$erna$i-e %i#h$ ,an$ $o a& ,he$her
$heir .hil!ren re#ar! +or$ a o%e$hin# .loer $o ,or& $han $o
+la')an!/ if o/ ,h'0
The 'ittle Engine That 5ust
In $he earl' AIJB/ a I *e#an ,ha$ $(rne! o($ $o *e a %(l$i'ear in-e6
$i#a$ion of $he effe.$ of .o%+e$i$ion/ I ha! a fe, h(n.he a*o($ ,ha$ I
%i#h$ !i.o-er0 I #(ee! $he !a$a ,o(l! ho, $ha$ .o%+e$in# ,an1$
#oo! for o(r +'.holo#i.al heal$h or for o(r rela$ionhi+0 I ,a ri#h$0
B($ I alo e2+e.$e! $o fin! e-i!en.e .onfir%in# ,ha$ I1! al,a' hear!
,a $r(e)$ha$ .o%+e$i$ion "%o$i-a$e5 %an' +eo+le $o !o $heir *e$0
Therefore/ $he absence of .o%+e$i$ion %i#h$ *e ao.ia$e! ,i$h lo,er
le-el of a.hie-e%en$ a$ ,or& an! a$ .hool0 The $ra!e6off/ $hen/
,o(l! *e $ha$ ,e1! ha-e $o #i-e (+ o%e e2.ellen.e in or!er $o ha-e
heal$h6ier/ ha++ier +eo+le0
Bo'/ ,a I ,ron#0 The reear.h o-er,hel%in#l' ho,e! $ha$ .o%6
+e$i$ion hol! +eo+le *a.& fro% ,or&in# or learnin# a$ $heir *e$0 For a
-arie$' of reaon/ o+$i%al +erfor%an.e a$ %o$ $a& no$ onl' !oen1$
re3(ire +eo+le $o $r' $o *ea$ one ano$her)i$ re3(ire $ha$ $he' *e
free! fro% (.h an arran#e%en$0 There i no $ra!e6off0 8oo+era6$ion
%a&e %ore ene $han .o%+e$i$ion if ,e .are %o$l' a*o($ *o$$o%6
line re(l$/ ;($ a i$ !oe if o(r +ri%e .on.ern i ho, +eo+le feel
a*o($ $he%el-e an! $hoe aro(n! $he%0
I %en$ion $hi no, *e.a(e $he a%e or$ of $ra!e6off i
o%e$i%e *elie-e! $o e2i$ ,i$h re+e.$ $o (n.on!i$ional +aren$in#0
The ar#(6%en$ #oe li&e $hi7 When ,e &no, $ha$ ,e1ll re.ei-e
a++ro-al onl' ,hen ,e ,or& har! or +ro!(.e re(l$/ $hen ,e1ll *e
in.line! $o !o ;($ $ha$0 B' .on$ra$/ a one #ro(+ of +'.holo#i$
a&e! rhe$ori.all'/ "If +eo+le ,ere (n.on!i$ionall' lo-e! in all !o%ain
of life/ ,o(l! $he' $ill *e a !ri-en $o (..ee!@5
AG
P U S H E D T O S U 8 8 E E D
I$1 an i%+or$an$ 3(e$ion/ an! I ,an$ $o re+on! $o i$ in fo(r
,a'0 Fir$/ e-en if $hi line of $hin&in# !i! %a&e ene/ i$ +ro*a*l'
,o(l! a++l' onl' $o a!(l$0 8hil!ren nee! $o *e lo-e!
(n.on!i$ionall'0 A#ain/ a(%in# $ha$ i$1 a #oo! $hin# for anyone
$o feel a..e+$e! onl' ,hen he or he i (..ef(l/ i$ ,o(l! ee%
i%+or$an$ $o $ar$ o($ in life ,i$h a e.(re fo(n!a$ion $ha$ .o%e
fro% ha-in# *een a..e+$e! ,i$ho($ an' $rin# a$$a.he!0
Se.on!/ i$1 ,or$h a&in# ,ha$/ e2a.$l'/ i (++oe! $o *e $he
*ai for !e.i!in# ,he$her or no$ $o -al(e o%eone0 "Wor&in# har!5
an! "+ro!(.in# re(l$5 are a.$(all' $,o -er' !ifferen$ $hin#0 If ,e
!e%an! re(l$/ $hen ,ha$ !o ,e !o a*o($ +eo+le ,ho #i-e i$ $heir all
*($/ for -ario( reaon)%an' of $he% o($i!e $heir .on$rol)!on1$
en! (+ rea.hin# $heir #oal@ If/ in$ea!/ o(r a++ro-al i *ae! on har!
,or&/ $he +ro*le% i $ha$ $hi .an1$ al,a' *e %ea(re!0 One +eron
%a' ha-e $rie! har!er e-en $ho(#h ano$her ,or&e! for a lon#er $i%e0
I$ en! (+ ee%in# +re$$' ill' $o $r' $o fine6$(ne lo-e or a..e+$an.e $o
%a$.h o%e$hin# a in$an#i*le a effor$0
Thir!/ e-en if .on!i$ional a++ro-al !i! +ro!(.e re(l$/ ,e fin!
o(rel-e on.e a#ain ha-in# $o .oni!er all $he hi!!en .o$)$ha$ i/ $he
*roa!er/ !ee+er/ an! lon#er6la$in# effe.$ of a $ra$e#' $ha$/ a$ fir$
#lan.e/ ee% $o ,or&0 E-en if $here ,ere a $ra!e6off/ $he !o,ni!e of
.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e al%o$ .er$ainl' o($,ei#h $he (+i!e of #e$6$in#
%ore $hin# !one0 Tha$ !o,ni!e i !i$(r*in#l' .lear fro% $he reear.h
!e.ri*e! in .ha+$er A an! C0 For e2a%+le/ e-en if $hoe .ol6le#e
$(!en$ reall' !i! $(!' har!er in a !e+era$e effor$ $o ,in $heir +aren$1
affe.$ion 9++0 CAQCC an! GHQGJ:/ fe, of ( ,o(l! a' i$1 ,or$h $he +ri.e
of ha-in# $he% .o%e $o reen$ $heir +aren$ an! $o feel #(il$' an!
(nha++' an! (nfree0 If +eo+le ,ere (n.on!i$ionall' lo-e!/ ,o(l! $he' $ill
*e a !ri-en $o (..ee!@ An'one ,ho (n!er$an! ,ha$ i$ %ean $o *e
!ri-en ,o(l! re+l'/ "Le$1 ho+e no$45
B($ ;($ *e.a(e +eo+le aren1$ !ri-en !oen1$ %ean $he'1re no$ (.6
.ef(l0 Thi/ $hen/ i %' fo(r$h an! final re+one7 A ,i$h .o%+e$i6$ion/
i$ $(rn o($ $here reall' in1$ a $ra!e6off a$ all *e.a(e .on!i$ional
a..e+$an.e ((all' doesn0t ,or&/ e-en $o rea.h $he li%i$e! #oal of
IB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
hi#her a.hie-e%en$0 A$ *e$/ i$ effe.$i-ene i li%i$e! $o o%e
+eo+le/ a$ o%e $a&/ on o%e o..aion0
Thoe ,ho *elie-e o$her,ie ha-e %a!e a n(%*er of %i$a&en
a(%+$ion0 For $ar$er/ $he'1-e a(%e! $ha$ +eo+le ,ho are
raie! $o *elie-e $he'1re *ai.all' .o%+e$en$ ha-e no reaon $o
a..o%+lih an'$hin#0 I on.e hear! o%eone !efen! $ha$ *elief *'
!e.larin# $ha$ "h(%an na$(re i $o !o a li$$le a ne.ear'05 Thi
+re;(!i.e i ref($e! no$ ;($ *' a fe, $(!ie *($ *' $he en$ire *ran.h
of +'.holo#' !eal6in# ,i$h %o$i-a$ion0
AF
Nor%all'/ i$1 har! $o stop
ha++'/ a$ifie! +eo6+le fro% $r'in# $o learn %ore a*o($ $he%el-e
an! $he ,orl!/ or fro% $r'in# $o !o a ;o* of ,hi.h $he' .an feel +ro(!0
The !eire $o !o a li$$le a +oi*le i an a*erra$ion/ a i#n $ha$
o%e$hin# i ,ron#0 I$ %a' (##e$ $ha$ o%eone feel $hrea$ene!
an! $herefore ha fallen *a.& on a $ra$e#' of !a%a#e .on$rol/ or $ha$
re,ar! an! +(nih6%en$ ha-e .a(e! $ha$ in!i-i!(al $o loe in$ere$
in ,ha$ he1 !oin#/ or $ha$ he +er.ei-e a +e.ifi. $a&)+erha+
.orre.$l')a +oin$le an! !(ll0
S(++oe/ for e2a%+le/ a .hil! !oe "a li$$le a ne.ear'5 in
.hool0 Thi/ a ,e1-e een/ %i#h$ +ro-e $o *e an e2a%+le of elf6
han!i.a++in#0 9She1 *een %a!e $o feel $(+i!/ o he $o+ %a&in#
an' effor$ in or!er $o .on-in.e herelf $ha$ he ,o(l! ha-e (..ee!e!
if he had $rie!0: Or i$ %i#h$ *e $he fallo($ fro% e2$rini. %o$i-a$or7
She1 .hain# a #oo! #ra!e an! realiMe he1 %ore li&el' $o #e$ one
*' $i.&in# ,i$h $hin# he alrea!' &no,0 Or i$ %i#h$ *e *e.a(e/
in$ea! of learnin# %ean6in#f(l $hin#/ he1 re3(ire! $o .o%+le$e 'e$
ano$her *orin# ,or&hee$ or $o rea! 'e$ ano$her .ha+$er of a !rear'
$e2$*oo&0 Un!o(*$e!l' ,e .o(l! .o%e (+ ,i$h o$her e2+lana$ion for
,h' he1 !oin# a li$$le a he .an #e$ a,a' ,i$h/ an! e-er' one of
$hoe e2+lana$ion ,o(l! raie 3(e$ion a*o($ ,ha$1 #oin# on in her
.laroo% or her fa%il'0 There1 i%+l' no ;($ifi.a$ion for a(%in#
her re+one i an ine-i$a*le re(l$ of "h(%an na$(re05
A I1-e alrea!' +oin$e! o($/ .hil!ren ,ho are (n.on!i$ionall' lo-e!
are %ore li&el' $o a..e+$ the-selves (n.on!i$ionall'0 B($ $ha$ ,o(l!
,orr' ( onl' if ,e .onf(e! +oi$i-e elf6re#ar! ,i$h arro#an$ elf6
P U S H E D T O S U 8 8 E E D
a$ifa.$ion0 So%eone ,ho ha a .ore of fai$h in hi%elf an! an (n!er6
l'in# .on-i.$ion $ha$ he1 a #oo! +eron !oen1$ $here*' *e.o%e %ore
li&el' $o i$ aro(n! an! !o no$hin#0 There1 no$ a hre! of e-i!en.e $ha$
(n.on!i$ional elf6e$ee% +ro%o$e laMine/ or $ha$ $o ha-e hi#h
$an!ar! 'o( %($ feel lo(' a*o($ 'o(relf for failin# $o %ee$ $he%0 To
$he .on$rar'/ +eo+le ,ho &no, $he'1re lo-e! irre+e.$i-e of $heir
a..o%+lih%en$ of$en en! (+ a..o%+lihin# 3(i$e a lo$0 Bein# a..e+$e!
,i$ho($ .on!i$ion hel+ $he% $o !e-elo+ a heal$h' .onfi6!en.e in
$he%el-e/ a ene $ha$ i$1 afe $o $a&e ri& an! $r' ne, $hin#0 Fro%
!ee+ .on$en$%en$ .o%e $he .o(ra#e $o a.hie-e0
Thi +ea& !ire.$l' $o ano$her/ .loel' rela$e! e$ of a(%+$ion
%a!e *' +eo+le ,ho !efen! $he i!ea of .on!i$ional a..e+$an.e0 The'
ee% $o $hin& $ha$ $he an2io( ener#' of +er+e$(al elf6!o(*$ i re3(ire!
$o #e$ $hin# !one/ $ha$ $he fear of failin# %o$i-a$e +eo+le $o i%+ro-e0
A#ain/ i$ i !iffi.(l$ $o i%a#ine a +oin$ of -ie, %ore a$ -arian.e ,i$h
e-er'$hin# ,e &no, a*o($ %o$i-a$ion an! learnin#0 We %a' %ant .hil!ren
$o re*o(n! fro% fail(re/ *($ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean $he' ,ill0 The %ore li&el'
re(l$/ all $hin# *ein# e3(al/ i $ha$ $he'1ll e2+e.$ $o !o +oorl' on i%ilar
$a& in $he f($(re0 Thi e2+e.$a$ion .an e$ a elf6f(lfillin# +ro+he.' in$o
%o$ion7 The' feel in.o%+e$en$ an! e-en hel+le/ an! $ha$ lea! $he% $o
a.$ in ,a' $ha$ +ro-e $he% ri#h$0 Alo/ $he' .o%e $o +refer eaier $a&/
an! $o *e le in$ere$e! in ,ha$6e-er $he'1re !oin#0
AH
E-en $hoe
e2.e+$ional &i! ,ho reall' !o *(.&le !o,n an! $r' har!er ,hen $he' fail
%a' *e !oin# o o($ of an an26io(/ .o%+(li-e +re(re $o feel *e$$er
a*o($ $he%el-e ra$her $han *e.a(e $he' en;o' learnin#0 Th(/ e-en if
$he' %ana#e $o (n!er$an! ,ha$ $he'1re rea!in# $o!a'/ $he' %a' no$
%ant $o rea! $o%orro,0
I$1 a -er' i%+le an! -er' o*-io( $r($h on.e 'o( $hin& a*o($ i$7 Bein#
afrai! of failin# in1$ a$ all $he a%e $hin# a e%*ra.in# (..e0 In fa.$/
$he for%er #e$ in $he ,a' of $he la$$er0 We1-e alrea!' een .on6i!era*le
e-i!en.e $ha$ .on!i$ional +aren$in# an! .on!i$ional elf6e$ee% are
(nheal$h'0 No, ,e ha-e $o a!! $ha$ $he'1re alo (n+ro!(.$i-e0 The' lea!
$o "e%o$ion6fo.(e! .o+in# an! re+air of $he elf/ ra$her $han +ro*le%6
fo.(e! .o+in#/5 a $,o reear.her +oin$e! o($0 In o$her
IC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
,or!/ 'o(1re o *(' $r'in# $o !eal ,i$h $he i%+li.a$ion of failin# $ha$
'o( !on1$ ha-e $he $i%e an! ener#' $o !o ,ha$ i$ $a&e $o (..ee!0
E-en a+ar$ fro% $hi +ra.$i.al +ro*le%/ $hee reear.her ,en$
on $o re%ar&/ $he i!ea $ha$ ,e ho(l! raie .hil!ren $o feel #oo!
a*o($ $he%el-e onl' ,hen $he'1-e earne! $ha$ ri#h$ *' *ein#
(..ef(l ee% $o i%+l' $ha$ "o%e .hil!ren1 lo, elf6e$ee% i
,arran$e! an! $ha$ .hil!ren ,ho !o no$ a.hie-e in o.iall'
!eira*le ,a'/ (.h a #e$$in# #oo! #ra!e 0 0 0 or *ein# #oo! a$
+or$/ ri#h$l' *elie-e $ha$ $he' are no$ ,or$h' h(%an *ein#05
AJ
Li&e o$her $o2i. %ea#e $ha$ .hil!ren hear/ $hi one
o%e$i%e .o%e fro% $heir $ea.her/ .oa.he/ an! +eer/ $o a'
no$hin# of $he %a %e!ia an! $he lar#er .(l$(re in ,hi.h $he' li-e0
B($ $here i no #e$$in# aro(n! $he fa.$ $ha$ $he +re(re $o !o ,ell
)or/ ,ore/ $o o($6+erfor% o$her)$'+i.all' *e#in a$ ho%e0 In
an' .ae/ i$ fall $o ( a $heir +aren$ $o .o(n$era.$ $hoe
+re(re/ $o .hallen#e $hoe %ea#e of .on!i$ional
a..e+$an.e/ an! $o %a&e (re o(r &i! feel lo-e! no %a$$er ,ha$0
F
WHAT HOLDS US BA8K@
E
-er'$hin# (+ $o $hi +oin$ lea! ( $o one o-er,hel%in# 3(e$ion7
Wh' !o ,e !o i$@ If .on!i$ional an! .on$rol6*ae! +aren$in# are reall'
a *a! a I a' $he' are)an!/ %ore i%+or$an$/ if $he'1re a *a! a
.ien$ifi. reear.h an! real6,orl! e2+erien.e ho, $he' are)$hen
,h' are $he' o +o+(lar@ Or/ $o +($ i$ !ifferen$l'/ ,ha$ hol! o %an'
of ( *a.& fro% *ein# *e$$er +aren$@
Perha+ 'o(1re ea#er a$ $hi +oin$ $o hear %ore a*o($ $he al$erna6
$i-e0 B($ +e.ifi. (##e$ion for !oin# $hi $hin# or a'in# $ha$ $hin#
$o o(r &i! are (nli&el' $o $a&e roo$ an! ha-e a real i%+a.$ if ,e
ha-en1$ a!!ree! $he reaon $ha$ ,e1-e *een $e%+$e! $o !o $hin#
!ifferen$l' for o lon#0 To re!o ,ha$ ,e !o/ ,e ha-e $o re$hin& ,ha$ ,e
$hin&0 An! $ha$ %ean ,e ha-e $o fi#(re o($ $he o(r.e of a +ar6
en$in# $'le $ha$1 $ra!i$ional an! .on!i$ional0 If ,e &i+ $ha$ $e+/ ,e1ll
;($ .o%e (+ ,i$h reaon $o !i%i an' ne, i!ea/ or/ e-en if ,e !o
$r' $he%/ ,e %a' fin! o(rel-e re-er$in# $o ,ha$ feel .o%for$a*l'
fa%iliar a oon a ,e hi$ a *(%+ in $he roa!0
The reaon ,e +aren$ a ,e !o %i#h$ *e ai! $o fall ro(#hl' in$o
fo(r .a$e#orie7 ,ha$ ,e ee an! hear/ ,ha$ ,e *elie-e/ ,ha$ ,e feel/
an!/ a a re(l$ of all of $hoe/ ,ha$ ,e fear0 Thee la*el aren1$ $erri6
*l' +re.ie/ an! $he e2+lana$ion $he%el-e o-erla+0 S$ill/ ,e .an
*e#in $o %a&e ene of .(rren$ +aren$in# $'le *' fir$ in-e$i#a$in#
ID U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$he infl(en.e on o(r *eha-ior $ha$ are ri#h$ on $he (rfa.e0 Then
,e .an +ro.ee! $o loo& a$ o%e rele-an$ *elief an! .(l$(ral nor%
$ha$ (n!erlie $hoe infl(en.e0 Finall'/ ,e .an $(rn o(r a$$en$ion $o
ho, o(r nee! an! fear)ha+e! lar#el' *' ho, %e ,ere raie!
)infl(6en.e $he ,a' ,e in$era.$ ,i$h o(r o,n .hil!ren0
What We &ee and $ear
Are $here an' +aren$ ,ho ha-en1$ *een a li$$le $ar$le! a$ o%e +oin$
$o hear $he%el-e a'in# $o $heir &i! e2a.$l' $he a%e $hin#)o%e6
$i%e in e2a.$l' $he a%e $one of -oi.e)$ha$ $heir +aren$ (e! $o a'
$o $he%@ I .all $hi "Ho, !i! %' %o$her #e$ in %' lar'n2@5 I$1 $he %o$
o*-io( e2+lana$ion for ,h' ,e $rea$ o(r .hil!ren a ,e !o7 We
learne! ho, 'o(1re (++oe! $o raie &i! fro% ,a$.hin# ho, o%e6
one raie! (0 We %a' ha-e +i.&e! (+ +e.ifi. r(le 9no r(nnin# in
$he ho(eN no !eer$ (n$il 'o(1-e finihe! 'o(r !inner: an! e-en
+e.ifi. e2+reion 9"Ho, %an' $i%e !o I ha-e $o $ell 'o( 0 0 0 @5
"Fine/ *($ !on1$ .o%e .r'in# $o %e ,hen 'o( 0 0 05:0 More i%+or$an$/ ,e
+ro*6a*l' +i.&e! (+ a #eneral (n!er$an!in# of ,ha$ $he +aren$1 role
i) $ha$ i/ ho, a %o% or !a! i (++oe! $o a.$ aro(n! $he &i!0
The le a,are ,e are of $ha$ learnin# +ro.e/ $he %ore li&el' ,e are
$o re+ro!(.e +aren$in# +a$$ern ,i$ho($ *o$herin# $o a& ,he$her $he'
%a&e ene0 I$ $a&e o%e effor$/ o%e har+ $hin&in#/ e-en o%e
.o(ra#e $o $e+ *a.& an! !e.i!e ,hi.h -al(e an! ri$(al o(#h$ $o fin! a
+la.e in o(r ne, fa%ilie an! ,hi.h one are +oin$le or e-en +er6
ni.io(0 O$her,ie/ ,e ;($ en! (+ follo,in# a .ri+$ $ha$ ,e ha! no +ar$
in ,ri$in#0 We *e.o%e li&e $he ,all6*(il!in# nei#h*or in Ro*er$ Fro$1
+oe% ,ho "%o-e in !ar&ne5 *e.a(e "he ,ill no$ #o *ehin! hi
fa$her1 a'in#05 In hor$/ ,e ho(l! *e a*le $o an,er $he 3(e$ion "Wh'
!o 'o( !o $ha$ ,i$h 'o(r .hil!@5 *' offerin# a reaon ra$her $han ha-in# $o
hr(# an! %($$er/ "Well/ $ha$1 $he ,a' " ,a raie!05
Ma&in# i$ e-en %ore !iffi.(l$ for %an' +aren$ $o .hooe a !ifferen$
+a$h i $ha$ their +aren$ 9an! in6la,: %a' $ill *e infl(en.in# $he%/
W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @ IG
offerin# e2+li.i$ ;(!#%en$ an! (##e$ion a*o($ ho, .hil!ren o(#h$ $o *e
$rea$e!0 Frien!/ $oo/ an! e-en $ran#er are of$en ea#er $o -ol(n$eer $heir
a!-i.e/ a are ne,+a+er .ol(%ni$/ $al&6ho, ho$/ an! a($hor of
!i.i+line *oo&0 So are +e!ia$ri.ian/ ,hoe *iae an! h(n.he a*o($
+'.holo#i.al i(e are $a&en erio(l' ;($ *e.a(e of $heir %e!i.al .re6
!en$ial0 I re.en$l' re.ei-e! an e6%ail %ea#e fro% a +e!ia$ri.ian 9an!
%o$her: ,ho $ol! %e $ha$/ af$er rea!in# a*o($ $he !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ of
re,ar!6an!6+(nih%en$ !i.i+line/ he fo(n! herelf
fr($ra$e! $ha$ none of $hi ha! *een in %' =%e!i.al> $rainin#0 We
,ere $a(#h$ $he $an!ar! *eha-iori$ $(ff/ $i%e6o($/ e$.0) an!
e-en $ho(#h I &ne, !ee+ !o,n $ha$ i$ !i!n1$ ee% ri#h$ o%eho,/
I .o(l!n1$ +($ %' fin#er on ,h'0 I ha! +aren$ of .hil6!ren $ha$ I
a, fro% infan.' .o%in# *a.& ,i$h $heir fi-e6'ear6ol!/ a'in# "i$
;($ !oen1$ ,or&05 For a ,hile I $ho(#h$ ,e ;($ ha! $o (e a
!ifferen$ %e$ho! of *eha-ior %o!ifi.a$ion0 =B($ a I *e#an $o rea!
%ore>/ I .o(l!n1$ *elie-e ,e ha! fallen for (.h an a,f(l ,a' of
raiin# .hil!ren0
If all $he a!-i.e ,e re.ei-e! fro% !o.$or/ nei#h*or/ an! fa%il'
%e%*er refle.$e! a ,i!e -arie$' of o+inion/ $hee *i$ of ,i!o%
,o(l! li&el' .onfli.$ ,i$h one ano$her an! +erha+ .an.el ea.h o$her
o($0 We1! *e lef$ rela$i-el' (naffe.$e! 9(nle/ of .o(re/ ,e ,ere
%ore affe.$e! *' o(r rela$i-e:0 B($ ,ha$ ,e hear fro% !i-ere
o(r.e reall' in1$ all $ha$ !i-ere0 There are e2.e+$ion here an!
$here/ *($ #ener6all' $he a!-i.e ,e #e$ $en! $o +(h in one !ire.$ion0
An! i$1 +re.iel' $he !ire.$ion I1% (##e$in# ,e nee! $o 3(e$ion0
Ne, +aren$ fre3(en$l' re+or$/ for e2a%+le/ $ha$ $he
#ran!+aren$ are li&el' $o ,arn $he%)falel'/ a..or!in# $o all $he
a-aila*le reear.h)$ha$ *a*ie ,ill *e +oile! if $he'1re +i.&e! (+
a oon a $he' .r'0 An! if a .hil! i allo,e! $o +ar$i.i+a$e in
%a&in# !e.iion a*o($ %a$$er $ha$ .on.ern her/ +aren$ %a' *e
$ernl' infor%e! $ha$ "$hi &i! ha 'o( ,ra++e! aro(n! her fin#er05
Frien! an! nei#h*or/ !e+en!in# on $heir +eronali$ie/ %a' *e
IF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
o-er$ or (*$le in $he ,a' $he' e2+re i$/ *($ $he'/ $oo/ are li&el' $o $hin&
$ha$ 'o( nee! $o #e$ $o(#h ,i$h 'o(r .hil! ,hen he1 o($ of lineN $he'1re
li&el' $o *elie-e $ha$ 'o(r +ro*le% ,o(l! *e ol-e! *' %ore !i.i+line
an! "li%i$6e$$in#05 In +(*li. +la.e 'o( .an e-en feel $he ;(!#%en$ ra!i6
a$in# fro% $ran#er)$'+i.all' for *ein# $oo lenien$/ rarel' for *ein# $oo
.on$rollin#0 An! e-en if all $hoe o$her +eo+le &e+$ $heir o+inion $o
$he%el-e/ $he ,a' ,e ee $he% raiin# $heir o,n .hil!ren i a +o,er6f(l
infl(en.e/ e+e.iall' ,hen ,e ,i$ne $he a%e *ai. $'le !a' af$er !a'
in +la.e af$er +la.e0 The heer +er-ai-ene of $he $ra!i$ional a++roa.h
%a' lea! ( $o a(%e $ha$ o %an' +aren$ .an1$ *e ,ron#0
Nor !o %o$ a($hor of !i.i+line *oo& hel+ $o .orre.$ $hi i%*al6
an.e/ a I +oin$e! o($ earlier0 Th(/ ,hen ,e loo& $o $he e2+er$ for
a!-i.e/ ,e1re li&el' $o ha-e o(r a(%+$ion reaffir%e!0 If $he')an! $he
+eo+le ,e &no,).hallen#e! ( in$ea!/ if $he' a&e! ,he$her ,e1re
(re $ha$ ,ha$ ,e1re !oin# refle.$ (n.on!i$ional lo-e for o(r .hil!ren/ if
$he' re%in!e! ( $ha$ +(nih%en$ an! re,ar! are (n+ro!(.$i-e an!
(nne.ear'/ $hen ,e %i#h$ ,ell $hin& $,i.e a*o($ ,ha$ ,e1re !oin#0 A
$hin# $an!/ ,e1re offere! li$$le reaon $o $hin& e-en on.e0
To +oin$ $o ,ha$ ,e ee an! hear a an e2+lana$ion for ,h' %an'
of ( .on$in(e $o in$era.$ ,i$h o(r .hil!ren in le $han !eira*le ,a'
i +la(i*le a far a i$ #oe/ *($ i$ ;($ e$ $he 3(e$ion *a.& a $e+0
"O&a'/5 'o( re+l'/ "o ,e1re infl(en.e! *' all $hoe o$her +eo+le0 B($
,h' !o $he' $rea$ their &i! $he ,a' $he' !o@ Wha$ !ri-e o %an'
+aren$ $o .hooe)an! re.o%%en!)$hi a++roa.h@5
In$rini. fea$(re of $he ,or$ &in! of !i.i+line %a' (++l' +ar$ of
$he an,er0 E-en -er' $ho(#h$f(l +eo+le .an #e$ hoo&e! in$o !oin#
$hin# $ha$ !on1$ %a&e ene0 Fir$ of all/ *a! !i.i+line i ea'0 Ver'
li$$le i a&e! of ( ,hen ,e re+on! $o .hil!ren1 %i*eha-ior *'
!oin# o%e$hin# (n+leaan$ $o $he%0 "Doin# $o5 $ra$e#ie are %o$l'
%in!le0 "Wor&in# ,i$h5 $ra$e#ie/ on $he o$her han!/ a& a lo$ %ore
of (0 An!/ of .o(re/ if ,e1re no$ e-en fa%iliar ,i$h $he la$$er/ ,e %a'
+eri$ ,i$h $he for%er ;($ *e.a(e ,e !on1$ &no, ,ha$ ele $o !o0
Se.on!/ *a! !i.i+line .an *e "effe.$i-e05 B' $hi I %ean $ha$ $here
are +len$' of i$(a$ion in ,hi.h *ri*e or $hrea$ or o$her .oer.i-e
W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @ IH
in$er-en$ion .an %a&e a .hil! o*e' an a!(l$ for $he $i%e *ein#0
"Yo( .an for#e$ a*o($ #oin# $o $ha$ +ar$' on Sa$(r!a' if 'o( !on1$
h($ off $ha$ -i!eo #a%e ri#h$ no,45 %a' ,ell (..ee! in #e$$in#
$he #a%e $(rne! off0 Mean,hile/ $he .(%(la$i-e ne#a$i-e i%+a.$ of
all $he $i%e ,e1-e reor$e! $o (.h a $ra$e#' in1$ al,a'
i%%e!ia$el' o*-io(0 Therefore ,e !on1$ ee a !o,ni!e $ha$
,o(l! %a&e ( hei$a$e a*o($ !oin# i$ a#ain0
What We Believe
The i%%e!ia$e .one3(en.e/ or (rfa.e a++eal/ of $ra!i$ional
a++roa.he $o raiin# .hil!ren .an e2+lain a lo$/ a .an $he
infl(en.e of $he +eo+le aro(n! (0 B($ I $hin& ,e alo ha-e $o
.oni!er o%e ,i!el' hare! *elief an! -al(e $ha$ %a&e +eo+le
%ore re.e+$i-e $o $hoe a++roa.he0
HOW WE REGARD 8HILDREN
Are ,e reall' a .hil!6frien!l' o.ie$'@ Na$(rall'/ ea.h of ( lo-e
hi or her o,n off+rin#/ *($ i$1 of$en $ar$lin# $o ee ho, %an' +ar6
en$ are !o,nri#h$ !i!ainf(l of o$her +eo+le1 &i!0 When ,e a!! $he
fol& ,ho aren1$ +aren$ a$ all/ i$ *e.o%e e-en .learer $ha$ o(r .(l6
$(re in1$ e+e.iall' (++or$i-e of .hil!ren in #eneral/ nor i $here a
(r6fei$ of fon!ne for +ar$i.(lar .hil!ren (nle $he'1re .($e an! ,ell
*eha-e!0 If $here1 an' .olle.$i-e affe.$ion/ i$1 .on!i$ional a$ *e$0
In!ee!/ (r-e' of A%eri.an a!(l$ .oni$en$l' fin! ,ha$ one ne,6
+a+er re+or$ .alle! "a $(nnin# le-el of an$a#oni% no$ ;($ $o,ar!
$een6a#er *($ $o,ar! 'o(n# .hil!ren a ,ell05 S(*$an$ial %a;ori$ie
of o(r fello, .i$iMen a' $he' !ia++ro-e of &i! of all a#e/ .allin#
$he% r(!e/ laM'/ irre+oni*le/ an! la.&in# in *ai. -al(e0
A
Poli$i.ian an! *(ine+eo+le %a&e a ho, of !e%an!in# ",orl!6
.la5 .hool/ *($ $ha$ ((all' refer $o hi#h $e$ .ore an! $he +re+a6
ra$ion of (i$a*l' &ille! e%+lo'ee ra$her $han $o %ee$in# $he nee!
IJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
of $he .hil!ren ,ho a$$en! $hee .hool0 I$1 $r(e/ a $,o o.ial .ien6
$i$ +oin$ o($/ $ha$ "o%e +aren$)$hoe ,ho ha-e eno(#h in.o%e)
+en! la-ihl' on $heir .hil!ren/ #enera$in# $he no$ion $ha$ ,e are a
.hil!6.en$ere! o.ie$'5)an i%+reion $ha$ %a' *e reinfor.e! *' ho,
.hil!ren are .on+i.(o(l' $ar#e$e! *' a!-er$ier an! en$er$ain%en$
.on#lo%era$e0 Ho,e-er/ $hee a($hor .on$in(e/
+(*li. +en!in# for .hil!ren i of$en %ea#er an! al,a' (r6
ro(n!e! *' .on$en$ion/ an! i$ e%*o!ie $he +e.(liar .on.e+$ion
$ha$ .hil!ren are no$ -al(a*le a +eron in $heir o,n ri#h$ *($ onl'
for $he a!(l$ $he' ,ill #ro, (+ $o *e0 0 0 0 The a..harine %'$h
=$ha$> 0 0 0 .hil!ren are =A%eri.a1> %o$ +re.io( na$(ral reo(r.e
ha in +ra.$i.e *een falifie! *' o(r ho$ili$' $o o$her +eo+le1
.hil!ren an! o(r (n,illin#ne $o (++or$ $he%0
C
D(rin# an' 9re.en$: #i-en 'ear/ %ore $han A0E %illion .hil!ren
are ho%ele in $he Uni$e! S$a$e0 Be$,een CC an! CF +er.en$ of
'o(n# .hil!ren are .laifie! a +oor/ ,hi.h i far hi#her $han $he
ra$e in o$her in!($rialiMe! o.ie$ie0
E
A%eri.an .on$in(e $o
$olera$e $he real (fferin# $ha$ lie *ehin! $hee $a$i$i./ an! $hi
+ea& $o o(r a$$i6$(!e $o,ar! .hil!ren a (rel' a !oe $he
n(%*er of +eo+le ,ho #ro(e a*o($ "$hee &i! $o!a'05
Here1 $he +oin$7 If .hil!ren in #eneral aren1$ hel! in #rea$ e$ee%/
i$ *e.o%e eaier for +aren$/ e-en *ai.all' #oo! +aren$/ $o $rea$
$heir o,n &i! !ire+e.$f(ll'0 An! $o $he e2$en$ $ha$ ,e o(rel-e
har*or a !i% -ie, of .hil!ren/ ,e %a' *e le li&el'/ a I (##e$e! in
.ha+$er A/ $o offer (n.on!i$ional lo-e $o an' .hil!/ e-en o(r o,n/ in.e
,e fear $he'1ll ;($ $a&e a!-an$a#e an! $r' $o #e$ a,a' ,i$h a %(.h
a $he' .an0 If 'o( !on1$ $r($ $he%/ 'o( #o o($ of 'o(r ,a' $o .on$rol
$he%0 I$1 no$ a .oin.i!en.e $ha$ a($hori$arian +aren$/ ,ho !e%an!
a*ol($e o*e!ien.e/ alo $en! $o a$$ri*($e (nfla$$erin# .hara.$eri$i.
$o .hil6!ren)an! o%e$i%e $o +eo+le in #eneral0 A $(!' of %ore
$han $hree h(n!re! +aren$ fo(n! $ha$ $hoe ,ho hel! a ne#a$i-e -ie,
of h(%an na$(re ,ere li&el' $o *e -er' .on$rollin# ,i$h $heir &i!0
D
W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @ II
HOW WE THINK 8HILDREN ARE TREATED
I ar#(e! earlier $ha$ .hil!ren are far le li&el' $o *e allo,e! $o r(n
,il! $han $o *e re$ri.$e! (nne.earil'/ 'elle! a$/ $hrea$ene!/ or *(l6
lie! *' $heir +aren$0 Thi/ ho,e-er/ i no$ $he .on-en$ional -ie,0 I$1
%ore .o%%on $o i#nore $he e+i!e%i. of +(ni$i-e +aren$in# an! fo.(
in$ea! on $he o..aional e2a%+le of +er%ii-ene)o%e$i%e
e-en $o $he +oin$ of +rono(n.in# an en$ire #enera$ion +oile!0 I$1
re-eal6in#/ an! e-en o%e,ha$ a%(in#/ $ha$ i%ilar alar% +ro*a*l'
ha-e *een raie! a*o($ every #enera$ion $hro(#ho($ re.or!e! hi$or'0
B($ $hi !i$or$e! +or$rai$ ha erio( .one3(en.e0 To .rea$e
$he i%+reion $ha$ &i! $o!a' are o($ of .on$rol i $o la' $he
#ro(n!,or& for a!-i.e a*o($ ho, ,e nee! $o $o+ in!(l#in# $he%/
re$(rn $o %ore $ra!i$ional !i.i+line/ an! o on0 Paren$ ,ho a..e+$
$ha$ !e.ri+$ion 9of &i! ,ho are in(ffi.ien$l' .on$rolle!: are %ore
re.e+$i-e $o $hi pre.ri+$ion 9for %ore .on$rol:0
E2a.$l' $he a%e i $r(e of $he .o%+lain$ $ha$ &i! ha-e i$ $oo
ea' $hee !a' *e.a(e ,e #o o-er*oar! in $r'in# $o hel$er
$he% fro% $he har! &no.& of life0 Thi .lai% i $'+i.all' (++or$e!
*' en$er$ainin# ane.!o$e ra$her $han *' an'$hin# ree%*lin#
e-i!en.e0 I$ ee% $o flo(rih le *e.a(e i$1 $r(e $han *e.a(e
i$1 (ef(l for ;($if'in# an ol!6fahione! for% of +aren$in# $ha$ in1$
+ar$i.(larl' (++or$i-e or no(rihin#0 F(r$her%ore/ $hi ,a' of
fra%in# $he +ro*le% in-i$e ( $o *la%e +aren$ or &i! ra$her $han
in-e$i#a$in# $he !ee+er .a(e of +ro*le% ,e all fa.e0
G
The fa.$ $ha$ o%e &i! are i#nore!/ lef$ $o $heir o,n !e-i.e/ an!
!e+ri-e! of %eanin#f(l in$era.$ion ,i$h a!(l$ !oen1$ .on$i$($e +roof
$ha$ ,e li-e in a .hil!6.en$ere! or in!(l#en$ .(l$(re/ nor !oe i$ %ean
$ha$ &i! e2+erien.e $oo li$$le fr($ra$ion in $heir li-e0 A.$(all'/ .hil6
!ren are +len$' fr($ra$e!/ in lar#e +ar$ *e.a(e $heir +oin$ of -ie,
aren1$ $a&en erio(l'0 Paren$ ,ho ee% o*li-io( $o ho, $heir .hil6
!ren are anno'in# $ran#er an! #e$$in# in$o %i.hief are of$en
e3(all' o*li-io( $o $heir .hil!ren1 nee!0 Tha$1 an ar#(%en$ no$ for
%ore !i.i+line/ *($ for #ro,n6(+ $o +en! %ore $i%e ,i$h &i!/ $o
#i-e $he% %ore #(i!an.e/ an! $o $rea$ $he% ,i$h %ore re+e.$0
ABB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
8OMPETITION
I$1 *een ai! $ha$ .o%+e$i$ion i o(r $a$e reli#ion0 A$ ,or& an!
a$ +la'/ a$ .hool/ an! e-en a$ ho%e/ o$her #oal an! -al(e are
fre63(en$l' e.li+e! *' $he .on$an$ i%+era$i-e $o *e N(%*er One0
I$1 no (r+rie/ $hen/ $o fin! o %an' +aren$ +(hin# $heir .hil!ren
$o o($6hine $heir +eer)an! (in# $he $e.hni3(e of .on!i$ional
+aren$in# $o $r' $o %a&e $ha$ ha++en0
Moreo-er/ $he rela$ionhi+ ,e ha-e ,i$h o(r .hil!ren %a' .o%e $o
*e een in Mero6(% $er%0 N(%ero( !i.i+line *oo& offer #(i!6
an.e on ho, $o ,in o(r *a$$le ,i$h $he%/ ho, $o o($%ane(-er $he%
an! #e$ $he% $o .o%+l' ,i$h o(r !e%an!/ $here*' allo,in# ( $o
e%er#e $ri(%+han$0 The real 3(e$ion/ of .o(re/ i ,he$her ,e reall'
,an$ $o ee o(r &i! a o++onen$ $o *e *ea$en0 If ,e ,on!er ,h'
+aren$6.hil! rela$ionhi+ are o of$en a!-erarial/ ,e ha-e $o (n!er6
$an! $hi a one %ore '%+$o% of a h'+er.o%+e$i$i-e o.ie$'0 The
%o% an! !a! ,ho are %o$ li&el' $o $r' $o .on$rol $heir .hil!ren/ an!
,ho !o $he %o$ !a%a#e $o $he%/ are $hoe ,ho nee! $o ,in0
8APABILITIES OF 8HILDREN
Trea$in# .hil!ren harhl' ee% $o i%+l' $ha$ ,e !on1$ a++re.ia$e
all $ha$ $he' .an !o/ $ha$ ,e !on1$ ee $he% a +eo+le ,i$h $heir o,n
!i$in.$i-e +oin$ of -ie,0 B($ in ano$her/ %ore i%+or$an$ ene/ $hoe
,ho rel' on $ra!i$ional !i.i+line ha-e a $en!en.' $o overe$i%a$e
,ha$ .hil!ren .an %ana#e on $heir o,n0 S(.h +aren$ !on1$ (n!er6
$an!)or ele $he' ;($ i#nore)ho, &i! *elo, a .er$ain a#e i%+l'
.an1$ *e e2+e.$e! $o ea$ nea$l' or &ee+ 3(ie$ in a +(*li. +la.e0 Yo(n#
.hil!ren !on1$ 'e$ +oe $he &ill $ha$ ,o(l! %a&e i$ eni*le $o
hol! $he% a..o(n$a*le for $heir *eha-ior in $he a%e ,a' $ha$ ,e hol!
an a!(l$ or e-en an ol!er .hil! a..o(n$a*le0
Reear.h .onfir% $ha$ +aren$ ,ho "a$$ri*($e #rea$er .o%+e$en.e
an! re+oni*ili$' $o %i*eha-in# .hil!ren5 are %ore li&el' $o #e$ (+e$
,i$h $he%/ $o .on!e%n an! +(nih $he%0 The' *e.o%e fr(6$ra$e! *'
,ha$ $he' ee a ina++ro+ria$e *eha-ior/ an! $he' re+on!/
W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @ ABA
in effe.$/ *' .ra.&in# !o,n on li$$le &i! for *ein# li$$le &i!0 I$ .an
*e hear$*rea&in# $o ,a$.h0 B' .on$ra$/ +aren$ ,ho (n!er$an!
.hil6!ren1 !e-elo+%en$al li%i$a$ion $en! $o +refer ".al%
e2+lana$ion an! reaonin#5 in re+one $o $he a%e a.$ion0
F
The'
&no, $heir ;o* i $o $ea.h)an!/ $o o%e e2$en$/ ;($ $o *e +a$ien$0
Paren$ ,ho *era$e $heir .hil!ren an! rel' on .oer.i-e %ea(re/
$hen/ %a' *e !oin# o +ar$l' *e.a(e $he' hol! (nreali$i.all' hi#h
e2+e.$a$ion ,i$h re+e.$ $o *eha-ior0 Si%ilarl' (nreali$i. e2+e.$a6$ion
o%e$i%e ho, (+ in $he real% of in$elle.$(al +rofi.ien.'0 P(h6in# a
fi-e6'ear6ol! $o +ell .orre.$l' ((all' (##e$ a fail(re $o (n!er$an! $he
+re!i.$a*le ,a' $ha$ .hil!ren #ra!(all' .o%e $o %a6$er lan#(a#e/ an! i$
ha $he effe.$ of $(rnin# ,ri$in# in$o an (n+lea6an$ e2+erien.e for $he%0
In #eneral/ %an' +aren$ ,ho +ri!e $he%el-e on hol!in# "hi#h
$an!ar!5 for $heir &i! %a' in fa.$ e2+e.$ $oo %(.h of $he%)an! %a'
$hen %a&e $hin# ,ore *' reor$6in# $o -ario( $a.$i. of .on$rol ,hen
$heir e2+e.$a$ion aren1$ %e$0
8ONFORMITY
The %ore $ha$ +eo+le in a .(l$(re ,an$ .hil!ren $o .onfor% $o
$ra6!i$ional r(le an! a($hori$' 9a o++oe! $o $hin&in# for
$he%el-e:/ $he %ore li&el'/ a..or!in# $o reear.h/ $ha$ $he' ,ill
(e .or+oral +(n6ih%en$0 The Uni$e! S$a$e ha of$en *een
!e.ri*e! a a +la.e ,here +eo+le -al(e elf6relian.e an! elf6
!ire.$e!ne/ e-en $o a fa(l$0 B($ here/ $oo/ o%e in!i-i!(al an!
(*.(l$(re .on$in(e $o +riMe .on6for%i$'0 The %ore $hi i $r(e in a
#i-en fa%il'/ $he %ore $hoe +ar6en$ ,ill re$ri.$ $heir .hil!ren an!
e%+lo' $ri.$ !i.i+line $o rein $he% in0
H
<USTI8E AS RETRIBUTION
Lo$ of +eo+le *elie-e $ha$ ,hen an' in!i-i!(al/ e-en a %all .hil!/
!oe o%e$hin# *a!/ $hen o%e$hin# *a! ho(l! *e !one $o $ha$ in!i6
-i!(al in re$(rn0 "The i!ea of %a&in# an offen!er (ffer for hi .ri%e
ABC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
.an *e $ra.e! $o $he R*loo! -en#ean.e1 +ra.$i.e of +ri%i$i-e o.ie$ie05
J
I$1 alo rela$e! $o an e.ono%i. %o!el of h(%an in$era.$ion $ha$ %a&e (
$hin& e-er'$hin#/ in.l(!in# lo-e/ %($ *e earne! 9++0 AHQAI:0 Ne-er %in!
,he$her +(nih%en$ ,or&/ ,he$her i$ $ea.he an' !eira*le le6on or
ha an' .on$r(.$i-e effe.$ on .hil!ren1 -al(e or *eha-ior0 Man'
+aren$ .on$in(e $o (e i$ *e.a(e $he' ee +(nih%en$ a a %oral
i%+era$i-e0 In!ee!/ 'o( ha-e $o ,i% a#ain$ $he $i!e in o(r .(l6$(re if 'o(
.hooe $o re+on! $o .hil!ren1 %i*eha-ior in an' ,a' o$her $han *'
i%+oin# an (n+leaan$ .one3(en.e0
RELIGION
There1 no one6$o6one .orre+on!en.e *e$,een reli#io( .on-i.6
$ion an! +aren$in# +hiloo+h'0 Peo+le of -ario( fai$h/ an! +eo+le
,ho are no$ reli#io( a$ all/ .an *e fo(n! $rea$in# .hil!ren in e-er'
.on.ei-a*le ,a'0 S$ill/ $here1 no !en'in# $ha$ an a($hori$arian
a++roa.h ha !ee+ roo$ in .er$ain reli#io( *elief '$e%0 Sa' one
e2+er$/ "Brea&in# $he .hil!1 ,ill ha *een $he .en$ral $a& #i-en +ar6
en$ *' (..ei-e #enera$ion of +rea.her/ ,hoe *i*li.all' *ae!
ra$ionale for !i.i+line ha-e refle.$e! $he *elief $ha$ elf6,ill i e-il
an! inf(l05
I
Thi i!eolo#'/ (l$i%a$el' .onne.$e! $o a !ar& -ie, of
h(%an na$(re/ ha *een +re.ri*e! fro% *efore $he $i%e $he Pil#ri%
lan!e! ri#h$ $hro(#h $he .(rren$ ,ri$in# of <a%e Do*on an! o$her
f(n!a%en$ali$0 So%e$i%e $he ,or! love i (e! $o ;($if' a #ri%
+ro.e of for.in# $he .hil! $o .a+i$(la$e0
AB
F(r$her/ ,hile %an' reli#io( +eo+le e3(a$e $he i!ea of (n.on!i6
$ionali$' ,i$h a+e.$ of $heir fai$h/ a .ae .o(l! *e %a!e/ !ra,in# on $he
hol' *oo& of 8hri$iani$' an! <(!ai%/ $ha$ $he !ei$ie in $hee reli#ion
offer $he (l$i%a$e in conditional lo-e0 Bo$h $he Ol! an! Ne, Te$a%en$
re+ea$e!l' +ro%ie e2$ra-a#an$ re,ar! for $hoe ,ho are +ro+erl'
re-eren$/ an! horrifi. +(nih%en$ for $hoe ,ho aren1$0 Go! lo-e 'o( if
an! onl' if 'o( lo-e Hi%)an!/ in o%e .ae/ if 'o( %ee$ -ario( o$her
.ri$eria0 Do ,ha$ 'o(1re $ol!N 'o(1ll *e.o%e ri.h an! #e$ $o ,a$.h 'o(r
ene%ie !ie0 S$ra' fro% $he fai$hN 'o(1ll (ffer a ran#e
W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @ ABE
of .one3(en.e/ ,hi.h $he Bi*le !e.ri*e in al%o$ a!i$i.
!e$ail0
AA
An! for o%e *elie-er/ of .o(re/ e-en %ore i#nifi.an$
*lein# or .(re a,ai$ ( af$er !ea$h0 I$1 no$ a $re$.h/ $hen/ $o
ee $he rele-an.e of .er$ain reli#io( $ra!i$ion $o *o$h .on!i$ional
an! .on$rol6*ae! +aren$in#0
EITHERTOR THINKING
If I ha! $o i!en$if' a in#le *elief '$e% $ha$ %o$ +ro%inen$l'
!ri-e $he (e of 3(e$iona*le +aren$in# $ra$e#ie/ i$ ,o(l! *e $he
$en6!en.' $o a(%e $here are onl' $,o ,a' $o raie .hil!ren0 Yo(
.an !o $hi or 'o( .an !o $ha$/ an! in.e one o+$ion i o*-io(l'
(na++eal6in#/ 'o(1re lef$ ,i$h $he o$her 9,hi.h in-aria*l' in-ol-e
o%e &in! of .on$rol:0
The %o$ +o+(lar fale !i.ho$o%' r(n a follo,7 "We nee! $o
$a&e a har! line ,i$h &i! an! $o+ le$$in# $he% !o an'$hin# $he' feel
li&e05 In effe.$/ $ra!i$ional !i.i+line i .on$ra$e! ,i$h +er%ii-ene0
Ei$her I +(nih %' .hil! or ele I le$ her "#e$ a,a' ,i$h5 ,ha$e-er he
!i!0 Ei$her I $a&e a har! line or I !ra, no line a$ all0 When &i! !o
o%e$hin# ina++ro+ria$e/ %o$ of ( feel a nee! $o $a&e so-e a.$ion
ra$her $han !oin# no$hin#0 Therefore/ if o(r re+er$oire i li%i$e! $o
+(nih%en$/ $ha$1 ,ha$ ,e en! (+ !oin# *' !efa(l$0
Para!o2i.all'/ ne#le.$in# an! +(nihin# aren1$ e-en reall' o++o6
i$e0 Bo$h hare $he fea$(re of offerin# a*ol($el' no +ro!(.$i-e/
re+e.$f(l a!(l$ #(i!an.e of $he or$ $ha$ &i! nee!0 No ,on!er ,e
fin! $ha$ o%e +aren$ are +(ni$i-e and ne#le.$f(l/ *' $(rn0 On.e one
of $hee .hoi.e +ro-e !ia$ro(/ $he' ,in# $o $he o$her0 A one
%o$her .onfee!/ "I1% +er%ii-e ,i$h %' &i! (n$il I .an1$ $an!
$he%N $hen I #e$ o a($hori$arian $ha$ I .an1$ $an! %'elf05
AC
In o$her
fa%ilie/ %ean,hile/ ea.h +aren$ +la' one of $he $,o role0 One i
$he !i.i+linarian an! $he o$her i +er%ii-e)a $ho(#h $,o fla,e!
$ra$e#ie o%eho, a!! (+ $o a +ro!(.$i-e a++roa.h0
If ,e ,ere for.e! $o .hooe *e$,een $he%/ i$1 no$ e-en .lear fro%
$he a-aila*le e-i!en.e $ha$ +(nih%en$ i *e$$er $han ne#le.$0
AE
B($ ,e
ABD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
don0t ha-e $o .hooe/ *e.a(e $here are o$her +oi*ili$ie0 The
fa.$ $ha$ freeMin# .ol! $e%+era$(re are (n.o%for$a*le !oen1$
%ean ,e ha-e $o +($ (+ ,i$h *oilin# hea$0 An! $ha$ +oin$ alo
a++lie/ in.i!en$all'/ $o ano$her ar$ifi.ial .hoi.e7 "In$ea! of
+(nihin# 9or .ri$i.iMin#: &i! ,hen $he'1re *a!/ $r' re,ar!in# 9or
+raiin#: $he% ,hen $he'1re #oo!05 The +ro*le% i $ha$ re,ar!
an! +(nih%en$ are reall' ;($ $,o i!e of $he a%e .oin 0 0 0 an!
$ha$ .oin !oen1$ *(' -er' %(.h0 For$(na$el'/ $here are al$erna$i-e
$o ei$her -erion of .arro$6an!6$i.& %ani+(la$ion0
In $heor'/ i$ ,o(l! *e *e$$er $o .hooe fro% a%on# $hree al$erna6
$i-e ra$her $han onl' $,o/ *($ here/ $oo/ ,e %($ *e .aref(l0 A n(%6
*er of ,ri$er on !i.i+line an! o$her i(e $r' $o %a&e $heir -ie,
ee% %ore +ala$a*le *' +oi$ionin# $he%el-e a $he reaona*le
"%i!6!le #ro(n!5 *e$,een $,o e2$re%e0 8all i$ $he Gol!ilo.& Ga%*i$7
So%e a++roa.he are $oo $hi/ o%e a++roa.he are $oo $ha$/ *($ %'
a++roa.h i ;($ ri#h$0 The "$hi5 +oi$ion i ((all' o%e or$ of
e2$re%el' +(ni$i-e/ +o,er6*ae! +aren$in#/ ,hile $he "$ha$5 +oi$ion i
a -arian$ of looe'6#ooe'/ an'$hin#6#oe ne#le.$0
In $he a*$ra.$/ %o$ of ( ,o(l! a#ree $ha$ o%e$hin# in *e$,een
$hoe e2$re%e ,o(l! *e *e$$er)an! on o%e i(e/ I in!ee!
re.o%6%en! a "$hir! ,a'05 B($ ,e ho(l! ne-er *e $al&e! in$o
a..e+$in# o%eone1 (##e$ion ;($ *e.a(e $he'1re +la.e!
*e$,een .ari.a$(re! al$erna$i-e0 Moreo-er/ o%e ,ri$er %a' *e
$ar$in# ,i$h a 3(e$ion *ae! on a !(*io( +re%ie/ (.h a "Ho,
%(.h ho(l! ,e .on$rol o(r .hil!ren@5 Pi.& one7 9a: .on$an$l' an!
e2.ei-el'/ 9*: no$ a$ all/ or 9.: $he i!eal a%o(n$/ a e2+laine! in $he
a($hor1 .o+'ri#h$e! fi-e6+oin$ +ro#ra%0 Ra$her $han +i.&in# $he
o*-io( .hoi.e/ ,e %a' ,an$ $o .hallen#e $he ,a' $he i(e ha *een
fra%e! an! .oni!er al$erna6$i-e $o $he ,hole i!ea of .on$rol0
In fa.$/ $he "reaona*le %i!!le #ro(n!5 o+$ion %a' no$ *e all $ha$
reaona*le ,hen e-al(a$e! on i$ %eri$0 One e2a%+le in $he !i.i+line
fiel! i Diana Ba(%rin!1 .he%a/ ,hi.h ha *een a!o+$e! *' lo$ of
reear.her a ,ell a +ra.$i$ioner0 She !e.ri*e +aren$in# a *ein#
"a($hori$arian5 on one i!e/ "+er%ii-e5 on $he o$her/ or "a($hori6
W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @ ABG
$a$i-e5 9rea!7 ;($ ri#h$: in $he %i!!le0 In reali$'/ her fa-ore! a++roa.h/
(++oe!l' a *len! of fir%ne an! .arin#/ i a.$(all' 3(i$e $ra!i$ional
an! .on$rol6orien$e!)e-en if le o $han o+$ion A0 In fa.$/ a .loe
rea!in# of Ba(%rin!1 reear.h raie 3(e$ion a*o($ $he re.o%%en6
!a$ion he offer/ +ar$i.(larl' her en!ore%en$ of "fir% .on$rol05
AD
The lar#er +oin$ i $ha$ ,e %a' *e $e%+$e! $o a..e+$ a .er$ain
a++roa.h ;($ *e.a(e of ho, $he !i.(ion a*o($ +aren$in# ha
*een e$ (+/ an! +e.ifi.all' *e.a(e ,e *elie-e $ha$ re;e.$in# one
or $,o o$her a++roa.he re3(ire ( $o e%*ra.e a #i-en
al$erna$i-e0 To re.6o#niMe $ha$ $here are %an' +oi*le ,a' of
raiin# .hil!ren/ an! $o 3(e$ion $he -ali!i$' of -ario( o$her
i!eolo#ie/ i $o free ( $o e2+lore ne, !ire.$ion $ha$ %a' en! (+
%a&in# a lo$ %ore ene $han $he .on6-en$ional ,i!o%0
What We 4eel
O(r +aren$ $a(#h$ ( ho, $o +aren$/ ho,in# *' e2a%+le ho, $o $al&
,i$h an! *e ,i$h .hil!ren0 B($ ,ha$ ,e e2+erien.e! in o(r fa%ilie of
ori#in ha an i%+a.$ on (/ an! $herefore on ,ha$ &in! of %o$her
an! fa$her ,e *e.o%e/ $ha$ $ran.en! an' +e.ifi. .hil!6rearin#
$ra$e#ie $ha$ ,e %a' en! (+ re.'.lin#0 Brin#in# (+ &i! in1$ ;($ a
&ill one a.3(ire/ li&e .oo&in# or .ar+en$r'N $he +'.holo#i.al for.e
in-ol-e! %a&e $hee i(e %(.h %ore .o%+li.a$e!0 An! %an' of
$hoe for.e %a' o+era$e ,i$ho($ o(r e-en *ein# a,are of $he%0
Fran&l'/ I hei$a$e $o !el-e in$o $hee %a$$er *e.a(e %an' (.h
!i.(ion/ re+le$e ,i$h earne$ referen.e $o one1 "inner .hil!5 an!
(.h/ e$ %' $ee$h on e!#e0 B($ I .an1$ ee an' ,a' aro(n! i$0 I$1
+oin$6le $o $al& a*o($ ,ha$ hol! 'o( *a.& fro% *ein# a *e$$er
+aren$ ,i$ho($ refle.$in# on ho, $he ,a' 'o( ,ere raie! ha+e 'o(r
in$er6nal ar.hi$e.$(re0 I$ affe.$ no$ onl' ,ha$ 'o( !o ,i$h 'o(r &i!/
*($ ,ha$ 'o( !on1$ !o0 I$ ha an i%+a.$ on ho, 'o( !i-i!e re+oni*ili6
$ie ,i$h 'o(r .o6+aren$/ an! ,he$her 'o( $rea$ *o' an! #irl !iffer6
en$l'0 I$ hel+ $o !e$er%ine ,he$her 'o(r e-er'!a' *eha-ior .on-e'
ABF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
a *ai. re+e.$ or !ire+e.$ for .hil!ren0 I$1 rela$e! $o ,ha$
%a&e 'o( an#r' or a! an! ho, 'o( e2+re $hoe feelin#0
Gran$e!/ fan.' +'.holo#i.al e2+lana$ion aren1$ al,a' ne.ear' $o
a..o(n$ for $he *a! .hoi.e ,e %a&e a +aren$0 So%e$i%e ,e loe o(r
+a$ien.e ;($ *e.a(e .hil!ren re3(ire o %(.h of i$7 The' .an *e lo(!/
%e'/ an! elf6.en$ere!0 A I no$e! a$ $he *e#innin# of $hi *oo&/ raiin#
&i! in1$ for ,i%+/ an! o%e &i! are $o(#her $o raie $han o$her0 S$ill/
$he fa.$ $ha$ $hi +ar$i.(lar .hil! i a real han!f(l i%+l' in1$ (ffi.ien$ $o
e2+lain ,h' hi +aren$ (e lo-e6,i$h!ra,al $e.h6ni3(e or o$her
in$r(%en$ of .on$rol0 In fa.$/ a fair a%o(n$ of reear.h (##e$ $ha$
+eo+le1 *ai. +aren$in# $'le "are alrea!' in +la.e *efore =$he'> #ain
!ire.$ e2+erien.e ,i$h $heir o,n off+rin#05 Thee $'le are !ee+l' roo$e!
in e2+erien.e $he' ha! lon# a#o0
AG
A %an lef$ a %ea#e on %' ,e*i$e re.en$l' $ha$ rea!/ in +ar$/ "I
,a$.h/ a if a +e.$a$or a$ a $rain ,re.&/ a %' frien! (e $he a%e
+aren$al *eha-ior $ha$ ,o(n!e! $he% ,hen $he' ,ere li$$le0 I$ i no$ a
+re$$' i#h$05 Nor/ I ,o(l! a!!/ i i$ a i%+le %a$$er $o !e$er%ine ,h'
$hi ha++en0 The fol& he1 $al&in# a*o($ +re(%a*l' !i!n1$ i$ !o,n
an! .on.io(l' !e.i!e $o %a&e $heir o,n &i! a (nha++' a $he'
,ere0 So%e$hin# ele %($ a..o(n$ for $hi re+e$i$ion0 So%e$hin# ele
%($ a..o(n$ for $he o!!/ illo#i.al/ e-en $ra#i. fa.$ $ha$ %an' +eo+le
,ho are hi#hl' .ri$i.al of $heir +aren$ ne-er$hele en! (+ .re6a$in# a
fa%il' eeril' i%ilar $o $he one fro% ,hi.h $he' e.a+e!0 9Or $he one
fro% ,hi.h $he' thought $he' ha! e.a+e!0:
One e2+lana$ion ,a offere! *' Ali.e Miller7 "Man' +eo+le .on6
$in(e $o +a on $he .r(el !ee! an! a$$i$(!e $o ,hi.h $he' ,ere (*6
;e.$e! a .hil!ren/ o $ha$ $he' .an .on$in(e $o i!ealiMe $heir
+aren$05
AF
Her +re%ie i $ha$ ,e ha-e a +o,erf(l/ (n.on.io( nee!
$o *elie-e $ha$ e-er'$hin# o(r +aren$ !i! $o ( ,a reall' for o(r o,n
#oo! an! ,a !one o($ of lo-e0 I$1 $oo $hrea$enin# for %an' of (
e-en $o en$er6$ain $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ $he' ,eren1$ en$irel' ,ell6
%eanin#)or .o%6+e$en$0 So/ in or!er $o erae an' !o(*$/ ,e !o $he
a%e $hin# $o o(r o,n .hil!ren $ha$ o(r +aren$ !i! $o (0
Ano$her ,a' of %a&in# ene of $hi i(e ,a (##e$e! *' <ohn
W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @ ABH
Bo,l*'/ $he Bri$ih +'.hia$ri$ ,ho in+ire! $he fiel! &no,n a a$$a.h6
%en$ $heor'0 He ar#(e! $ha$ if 'o( ha-en1$ e2+erien.e! e%+a$hi. +ar6
en$in#/ i$1 har! for 'o( $o *e.o%e (.h a +aren$ 'o(relf0 The a%e
%i#h$ *e ai! of (n.on!i$ional lo-e7 If 'o( !i!n1$ #e$ i$/ 'o( !on1$ ha-e i$ $o
#i-e0 Peo+le ,ho ,ere a..e+$e! onl' .on!i$ionall' a .hil!ren %a' .o%e
$o a..e+$ o$her 9in.l(!in# $heir o,n &i!: in $he a%e ,a'0 In!ee!/ ,e
ha-e e-i!en.e $ha$ $hi i $r(e 9+0 CC:0 S(.h +aren$ learn $o $hin& of lo-e
a a .ar.e .o%%o!i$' $ha$ %($ *e ra$ione!0 The' a(%e $ha$ .hil!ren
nee! $o *e $ri.$l' .on$rolle!/ ;($ a $he' ,ere0
A a r(le/ ,hen 'o(r *ai. e%o$ional nee! ha-en1$ *een %e$/ $hoe
nee! !on1$ ;($ -anih ,hen 'o(1re ol!er0 In$ea!/ 'o( %a' .on$in(e $o
$r' $o a$if' $he%/ of$en in in!ire.$ an! e-en .on-ol($e! ,a'0 Tha$ effor$
o%e$i%e re3(ire an e2ha($in#/ near6.on$an$ fo.( on 'o(r6elf in
or!er $o +ro-e $ha$ 'o( reall' are %ar$ or a$$ra.$i-e or lo-a*le0 Wha$1
%ore/ $he +eo+le ,ho nee! 'o( $o fo.( on the-, no$a*l' 'o(r .hil!ren/
%a' fin! 'o( e%o$ionall' (na-aila*le0 Yo(1re $oo *(' $r'6in# $o #e$ ,ha$
'o( la.&0 An!/ a $,o 8ana!ian reear.her ha-e ho,n/ +aren$ ,ho
are $hin&in# %o$l' a*o($ $heir o,n nee! an! #oal $en! $o *e le
a..e+$in# of $heir .hil!ren)an! %ore li&el' $o a.$ in +(ni6$i-e an!
.on$rollin# ,a' ,i$h $he%)$han are +aren$ ,ho are .on6.erne! ,i$h
$he nee! of $heir &i! or of $he fa%il' a a ,hole0 Thoe ,ho ha*i$(all'
+($ $heir o,n nee! fir$ are alo %ore li&el' $o *elie-e $ha$ $heir
.hil!ren1 %i*eha-ior are !eli*era$e an! roo$e! in $heir na$(re or
+eronali$'/ ra$her $han e%er#in# fro% a +ar$i.(lar i$(a$ion0
AH
Ki! %a' *e +($ in a +oi$ion ,here $he' feel $heir ;o* i $o
&ee+ $heir +aren$ ha++'/ $o rea(re $he%/ $o %a&e $he% feel
.a+a*le0 So%e$i%e .hil!ren are (*$l' en.o(ra#e! $o +ro-i!e
,ha$ $he +ar6en$ fail $o #e$ fro% her +ar$ner 9or e-en fro% herelf:/
an! +erha+ $o +ro-i!e a!(l$li&e .o%+anionhi+0 The .hil! %a' *e
$eere! in$o *e.o%in# a frien!/ or e-en a +aren$/ $o $he +aren$0 All
of $hi .an $a&e +la.e ,i$ho($ an'one1 realiMin# ,ha$1 #oin# on0
B($ ,he$her or no$ $he .hil! %ana#e $o fi#(re o($ ho, $o *e.o%e
,ha$ $he +aren$ ,an$/ $he .hil!1 !e-elo+%en$ %a' *e ,ar+e!
*e.a(e $he a!(l$1 nee! ha-e $a&en .en$er $a#e0
ABJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
What We 4ear
When ,e a!! (+ all $he feelin# an! *elief an! *eha-ior $ha$ affe.$
()infl(en.e $ha$ are *o$h +eronal an! .(l$(ral/ .on.io( an!
(n.on.io(),e %a' !i.o-er $ha$ $he' affe.$ o(r +aren$in# +ar$l' *'
%a&in# ( afrai!0 So%e +eo+le1 fear are %ore o-er,hel%in# an!
le ra$ional $han o$her1/ *($ all of $he% .an hel+ $o e2+lain ,h' .hil6
!ren are $rea$e! in $he ,a' I1-e *een !e.ri*in#0
FEAR OF PARENTAL INADEUUA8Y
Fran&l'/ I1! *e ,orrie! a*o($ a ne, +aren$ ,ho ,an1$ a++rehen6
i-e a*o($ ,ha$ la' ahea!0 M' ,ife an! I ,ell re%e%*er ,hen $he
a!renaline 9an! +i$o.in: r(h #a-e ,a' $o o%e$hin# a++roa.hin#
+ani.7 $an!in# o($i!e $he ho+i$al af$er $he HMO !e.i!e! ,e ha!
*een $here lon# eno(#h/ .ra!lin# a .ar ea$ ,i$h a ne,*orn nooMin#
in i$/ loo&in# li&e $he +ro-er*ial !eer .a(#h$ in $he hea!li#h$/ an!
$hin&in#/ "There %($ *e o%e %i$a&e here0 We !on1$ &no, ho, $o
$a&e .are of one of $hee05 9I$ ,o(l! ha-e *een e-en ,ore ha! ,e
real6iMe! $ha$ ,e ,eren1$ *rin#in# ho%e ;($ a *a*' *($ alo a f($(re
$hree6'ear6ol! an! ei#h$6'ear6ol! an! fo(r$een6'ear6ol!0:
No one e$ o($ $o *e a *a! +aren$0 We all lo-e o(r .hil!ren an! ,an$
%ore $han an'$hin# $o &ee+ $he% afe an! ha++'0 B($ o%e$i%e ,e alo
feel hel+le an! .onf(e!/ fr($ra$e! ,hen $hin# !on1$ #o a +lanne!/
an! e.re$l' 9or no$ o e.re$l': !o(*$f(l a*o($ *ein# a*le $o !o ,ha$ ,e
ho(l!0 The fear of *ein# .l(ele .an lea! in e-eral +oi*le !ire.$ion/
all of $he% +ro*le%a$i.0 S(.h a +aren$ %a' *e a (.&er for a!-i.e $ha$ i
rea(rin# *($ *a!0 9"I !on1$ &no, ,ha$ I1% !oin#/ o I1ll ;($ $a&e %' .(e
fro% %' %o$her6in6la,/ ,ho ee% -er' (re of herelf ,hen he
anno(n.e $ha$ *a*ie ho(l! *e lef$ alone $o R.r' i$ o($15N or "I1ll ;($ #o
alon# ,i$h $hi e2+er$/ ,ho en.o(ra#e %e $o #i-e %' &i! a #ol! $ar
e-er' $i%e he !oe ,ha$ I $ell hi%05:
The fear of in.o%+e$en.e
AJ
lea! o%e +aren$ $o #i-e in $o all of
$heir .hil!ren1 !e%an!/ ,hi.h/ of .o(re/ i -er' !ifferen$ fro% %ee$6
W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @ ABI
in# $heir nee! an! ,or&in# ,i$h $he% $o ol-e +ro*le%0 O$her
+ar6en$/ %ean,hile/ o-er.o%+ena$e for $heir !o(*$ *'
+re$en!in# $o *e a*ol($el' .er$ain/ .o%+le$el' in .har#e0 Af$er a
,hile/ $he role of $he .ri+l' .on$rollin#/ al,a' a($hori$a$i-e
Paren$6,i$h6a6.a+i$al6P *e.o%e o .o%for$a*le $ha$ $he' for#e$
i$1 ;($ a role/ %(.h le ,h' $he' .a%e $o a!o+$ i$0 S(.h +aren$
%a' i%+oe ri#i! r(le for .hil6!ren $ha$ aren1$ o+en $o 3(e$ion or
3(alifi.a$ion/ a $ho(#h $he' are $r'in# $o .on-in.e e-er'one/
in.l(!in# $he%el-e/ $ha$ $he' reall' !o &no, ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#0
FEAR OF POWERLESSNESS
Ea.h of ( ,a on.e .o%+le$el' -(lnera*le an! !e+en!en$ on
o%eone ele0 On an (n.on.io( le-el/ o%e +eo+le fear $ha$ on.e
$he $hin -eneer of a!(l$hoo! i ha$$ere!/ $i%e ,ill r(h *a.&,ar! an!
$he' ,ill re-er$ $o *ein# +o,erle0 The' !eal ,i$h $ha$ fear *' +re6
$en!in# $he'1re in-(lnera*le a a!(l$0 Be.a(e i$1 $errif'in# $o *e o($
of .on$rol/ $he' nee! $o *elie-e $he'1re al,a' in .on$rol0
Ala/ $ha$ .an eail' $(rn in$o a nee! $o ha-e .on$rol o-er o$her/
$o .o%e o($ on $o+ an! feel $ri(%+han$/ $o re#ar! !ia#ree%en$ e-en
,i$h $heir .hil!ren a *a$$le $ha$ $he' %($ ,in0 The' fear $ha$ $o 'iel!
an in.h/ $o .han#e $heir %in!/ $o a!%i$ $he'1re ,ron#/ $o fail $o +($
$heir foo$ !o,n/ ,ill *e $o loe e-er'$hin#0
Thi i +ar$i.(larl' $r(e of +eo+le ,ho ,ere raie! in $ra!i$ional
fa%ilie ,here $he +aren$1 ,or! ,a la,0 Tha$ e2+erien.e .a(e
.hil6!ren "$o learn $ha$ no one i rea!' $o re+on! $o $heir nee! an!
,ihe in .onfli.$ i$(a$ion/5 a $,o reear.her +($ i$0 The feelin# of
+o,erlene $ha$ $hi en#en!er ne-er reall' #oe a,a'/ ,i$h $he
re(l$ $ha$/ 'ear la$er/ $he' %a' $r' $o a$$ain o%e !e#ree of .on$rol
*' .on$rollin# $heir o,n .hil!ren0
AI
Th(/ +ara!o2i.al $ho(#h i$ %a'
ee%/ $he +aren$ ,ho "ee $he%el-e a la.&in# +o,er are %o$
li&el' $o %a&e (e of .oer.i-e .on$rol $a.$i.05
CB
So%e +eo+le1 li-e are or#aniMe! aro(n! a nee! $o loo& or a.$
+o,erf(l in or!er $o $a-e off $he $error of *ein# a$ o%eone ele1
AAB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
%er.'0 Their in$ere$ in .on$rollin# o$her in1$ li%i$e! $o .hil!renN $he' feel
o*li#a$e! $o !e%on$ra$e $ha$ $he'1re (+erior $o o$her a!(l$/ $oo0 B($ i$1
eaier/ an! %ore o.iall' a..e+$a*le/ $o !o i$ ,i$h &i!0 Nor6%an K(n./
,ho .on!(.$ ,or&ho+ on in.l(i-e e!(.a$ion an! non6.oer.i-e
+ra.$i.e/ +oin$ o($ $ha$ ",ha$ ,e .all R*eha-ior +ro*le%1 are of$en
i$(a$ion of le#i$i%a$e .onfli.$N ,e ;($ #e$ $o .all $he% *eha-ior +ro*le%
*e.a(e ,e ha-e %ore +o,er5 $han .hil!ren !o0 9Yo(1re no$ allo,e! $o
a' $ha$ 'o(r +o(e ha a *eha-ior +ro*le%0:
CA
We ha-e $(!ie ho,in# $ha$ a*(i-e +aren$ are e+e.iall'
li&el' "$o ee $he%el-e a -i.$i% of $he %ale-olen$ in$en$ion of
.hil!ren05 B($ ,hi.h .a%e fir$7 $he *eha-ior or $he *elief@ Perha+
*' eein# o(r6el-e a $he -i.$i%/ or *' $al&in# a*o($ ho,
"%ani+(la$i-e5 a .hil! i/ ",e are $r'in# $o ;($if' o(r ne#a$i-e
rea.$ion *' loo&in# for e3(all' ne#a$i-e %o$i-e in $he .hil!05
CC
E-en +aren$ ,ho are *' no %ean a*(i-e %a' *e !ri-en *' a nee!
for .on$rol an! a fear of loin# i$0 I$1 (ne$$lin# for %o$ of ( $o fin! $ha$
o%eone ha nea&e! in !(rin# $he ni#h$ an! re+la.e! o(r hel+le
infan$ ,i$h a $o!!ler ,ho ha a ,ill of her o,n0 Wha$ ha! *een an
a!ora*le *a*' no, ha $he ner-e $o +(r(e her o,n a#en!a an! o++oe
o%e of o(r !e%an!0 Will ,e rei$ $he $e%+$a$ion $o $r' $o fi#(re o($
,a' of o($%ar$in# her@ Will ,e *e a*le $o hif$ fro% !oin# to a *a*' $o
,or&in# %ith a .hil!@ I$1 a $e$ $ha$ no$ all of ( +a0 9We1re $e$e! a#ain
a*o($ a !e.a!e la$er/ #i-e or $a&e/ ,hen $he .hil!1 nee! for a($on6o%'
(r#e ane,)an! i$1 e-en %ore !iffi.(l$ $o #e$ .o%+lian.e fro%
o%eone ,ho i ol!er/ .le-erer/ an! le !e+en!en$ on (0:
O(r fear of$en lea! ( $o !i# in o(r heel/ ,hi.h i a *i# %i$a&e0 One
e-enin# %' $hree6'ear6ol! on rei$)%o$l' *' ina.$ion an! ele.$i-e
hearin#)%' re+ea$e! re3(e$ $o finih hi #a%e an! #e$ (n!ree!0 A
$he %in($e $i.& *'/ I #i-e hi% $he .hoi.e of $a&in# off hi hir$ or ha-in#
%e !o i$0 He !oen1$ re+on!/ o I $a&e i$ off an! .arr' hi% (+$air0 He
.rie lo(!l'/ %iera*l'/ in.onola*l'/ ,ailin# $ha$ he ,an$e! $o !o i$
hi%elf0 I re%in! hi% 9#en$l' an! ra$her reaona*l'/ I $hin&: $ha$ he ha!
$he o++or$(ni$' $o !o o an! !i!n1$ $a&e a!-an$a#e of i$0 B($ he1 .r'in#
an! he1 $hree/ an! I1% $al&in# $o %'elf0
W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @ AAA
No, he ,an$ $o #o *a.& !o,n$air an! ha-e %e +($ hi hir$
on a#ain o he .an $a&e i$ off hi%elf0 No/ I $ell hi%/ i$1 $oo la$e0 I1%
loo&in# ahea!/ $hin&in# a*o($ $he .lo$he $ill $o *e re%o-e! an!
$he ,ai$in# *a$h $ha$1 loin# i$ ,ar%$h0 B($ he1 no$ rea!' $o loo&
ahea! or %o-e for,ar!0 We1re a$ an i%+ae)(n$il I realiMe $ha$
I1% *ein# a irra$ional a he i0 M' ini$en.e on !oin# $hin# %'
,a' i no$ onl' %a&in# *o$h of ( (nha++' *($ ,a$in# $i%e0 So
,e !o i$ hi ,a'7 We #o !o,n$air/ ,e +($ on $he hir$/ he $a&e
off $he hir$/ ,e #o (+$air/ he #e$ in $he *a$h0 B($ a a re(l$ of
%' rei$an.e $o #i-in# (+ .on$rol/ i$ $a&e an ho(r or $,o *efore
hi %ile re$(rn an! o(r rela$ionhi+ i re+aire!0
FEAR OF BEING <UDGED
So%e +aren$ li-e in $error of ,ha$ o$her +eo+le)no$ onl' $heir
frien! an! rela$i-e/ *($ $he na%ele an! o%ni+reen$ ;(!#e &no,n
a "$he'5),ill $hin& of $heir .hil!ren/ an! $h( of $heir o,n +aren$6in#
&ill0 Thi fear i +ar$i.(larl' !e*ili$a$in# ,hen i$1 a..o%+anie! *'
$he o$her $,o fear ;($ %en$ione!0 B($ e-en rela$i-el' e.(re +ar6en$
are o%e$i%e %a!e (n.o%for$a*le *' $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ o%e6one
o%e,here %i#h$ *e $hin&in#/ "Bo'/ $ha$ %o$her !oen1$ &no, %hat
he1 !oin#0 I %ean/ ;($ loo& a$ her &i!45
8oni!er ho, %(.h of ,ha$ ,e !o ,i$h o(r .hil!ren i !ri-en *'
,orrie a*o($ ho, ,e1ll *e +er.ei-e! *' o$her a!(l$0 A #ro,n6(+
han! o%e$hin# $o o(r *a*' an! ,e +i+e (+/ "8an 'o( a' $han&
'o(@5)o$eni*l' a!!rein# $he *a*'/ e-en $ho(#h he o*-io(l'
.an1$ a' $han& 'o( an! %a' *e $oo 'o(n# e-en $o learn fro% o(r
e2a%+le0 Wha$ ,e1re reall' !oin# i +ea&in# $hro(#h $he .hil! $o
$he a!(l$/ %a&in# i$ .lear $ha$ %e &no, $he +oli$e re+one a ,ell
a $he ri#h$ ,a' $o *rin# (+ &i!0
A I1-e ai!/ +eo+le in o(r .(l$(re are far %ore li&el' $o fa(l$ +ar6
en$ for .on$rollin# $oo li$$le ra$her $han $oo %(.h)an! $o a++ro-e of
.hil!ren *e.a(e $he'1re ",ell *eha-e!5 ra$her $han *e.a(e $he'1re/
a'/ .(rio(0 So ,hen 'o( .o%*ine $he +aren$1 an2ie$' a*o($
AAC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
*ein# ;(!#e! ,i$h $he li&el' !ire.$ion of $ha$ ;(!#%en$/ 'o( en! (+
,i$h $hi (n(r+riin# fa.$7 We1re %o$ li&el' $o reor$ $o .oer.i-e
$a.6$i./ an! $o *e.o%e +reo..(+ie! ,i$h $he nee! $o .on$rol o(r
.hil!ren/ ,hen ,e1re o($ in +(*li.0
CE
A i $r(e of %an' o$her fear/
$hi .an e$ (+ a elf6f(lfillin# +ro+he.'/ o $ha$ .ra.&in# !o,n on
&i! for fear of ,ha$ o$her +eo+le ,ill $hin& %a' +ro!(.e %ore of
e2a.$l' $he &in! of *eha-ior $ha$ ,e !on1$ ,an$ an'one $o ee0
FEAR FOR OUR 8HILDREN1S SAFETY
All .arin# +aren$ ,orr' a*o($ $heir &i!/ +ar$i.(larl' ,hen $he
ne,+a+er are f(ll of hair6raiin# $orie of *a! $hin# ha++enin#
$o #oo! +eo+le0 Un$il I *e.a%e a +aren$/ I !i!n1$ realiMe ho, har! i$
.an *e $o &no, ,hen $hoe .on.ern are a++ro+ria$e an! ,hen
$he'1re e2a##era$e!)an! ,hen o(r re+one .ro $he line $ha$
!i-i!e rea6ona*le +re.a($ion fro% $iflin# o-er+ro$e.$ion0
S$ill/ i$1 +re$$' .lear $ha$ o%e +aren$ ra$ionaliMe an ina++ro+ri6
a$e !e#ree of .on$rol o-er $heir .hil!ren on $he #ro(n! $ha$ $erri*le
$hin# ,ill ha++en o$her,ie0 I1% no$ $al&in# a*o($ &ee+in# an e'e
o($ for a .hil!/ *ein# a,are of ,ha$1 #oin# on in hi life/ an!
e$$in# a#e6a++ro+ria$e li%i$0 O*-io(l'/ $hoe $hin# %a&e ene0
I1% $al&in# a*o($ $he &in! of .on$rol !e.ri*e! in .ha+$er E/ ,here
$he +aren$ #i-e $he .hil! $oo fe, o++or$(ni$ie $o %a&e !e.iion
a*o($ ,ha$ he1 !oin#/ in $he na%e of +ro$e.$in# hi%0 9Wore 'e$ i
,hen .hil!ren are o-er.on$rolle! *e.a(e ,e fear for $he afe$' of
things)$ha$ i/ +o6eion0: Thi .an 3(i.&l' $a&e a $oll on a
.hil!1 elf6.onfi!en.e a ,ell a on her rela$ionhi+ ,i$h (0
FEAR OF BABYING
I$1 %ore $han *ein# i.& of .han#in# !ia+er $ha$ lea! o%e +ar6
en$ $o $r' $o +ee! (+ $oile$ $rainin#/ ;($ a i$1 %ore $han a !eire $o
in$ro!(.e .hil!ren $o $he ,on!er of $he ,ri$$en ,or! $ha$ lea! $he%
$o !rill +re.hooler on learnin# $heir le$$er0 I1-e ,a$.he! +eo+le +(h
W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @ AAE
$o!!ler $o $ar$ $o!!lin#/ .ri$i.iMe $he% for .ra,lin#/ ini$ $ha$ $he' .an
,al& (+ $he $air *' $he%el-e no,0 I1-e een for& +la.e! in -er'
'o(n# han!/ a..o%+anie! *' $he .o%%an! $o "ea$ li&e a *i# *o'05 The
a(%+$ion $ha$ ooner i al,a' *e$$er %a' .o%e fro% a fear of la$er0
Tha$ fear/ in $(rn/ .an refle.$ $he *elief $ha$ .hil!ren ho(l!n1$
*e "*a*ie!05 I$1 $i%e $o ,ean $he%/ $i%e $o +o$$'6$rain $he%/ $i%e $o
#e$ $he% ,al&in# an! $al&in# an! !oin# %ore $hin# on $heir o,n0
Paren$ ,orr' ,hen $heir .hil!ren a.$ in ,a' $ha$ $he' $hin& are $oo
'o(n#0 B($ ,h'@ A frien! of %ine li&e $o $a&e $he lon# -ie,/ a&in#
rhe$ori.all'/ "Do 'o( reall' $hin& he1ll $ill *e .ra,lin# 9or ,earin# +(ll6
(+: in ;(nior hi#h .hool@ Wha$1 $he r(h@5 9An! +ea&in# of ;(nior
hi#h .hool/ ,hen ,a $he la$ $i%e 'o( hear! $he +aren$ of a 'o(n#
a!ole.en$ +(hin# that .hil! $o #ro, (+ fa$er)$o (e %ore %a&e(+/
a$$en! %ore (n(+er-ie! +ar$ie/ *e.o%e %ore e2(all' a.$i-e/ or
h(rr' (+ an! #e$ a !ri-er1 li.ene alrea!'@:
The +eo+le %o$ li&el' $o ha-e %a!e $heir +ea.e ,i$h #oin# lo,
are $he +aren$ of .hil!ren ,i$h !e-elo+%en$al !ia*ili$ie0 The'1-e
ha! $o fa.e !o,n $heir ,or$ fear an! ,or& $hro(#h $he%0 B($ $he
$ri.& i for +aren$ of all .hil!ren $o rela2 an! le$ $he% +ro.ee! a$ $heir
o,n +a.e0 I$1 one $hin# $o *e $oo e2ha($e! $o .arr' a fo(r6'ear6ol!N
i$1 o%e$hin# ele $o ref(e $o .arr' hi% for fear $ha$ &i! of $ha$ a#e
;($ shouldn0t *e .arrie!)an!/ %ore #enerall'/ $ha$ &i! al,a' o(#h$
$o !o ,ha$e-er $he'1re .a+a*le of !oin#0
Thee !a'/ %' nine6'ear6ol! !a(#h$er #e$ a &i.& o($ of ,a$.hin# TV
ho, in$en!e! for %(.h 'o(n#er .hil!ren0 A$ fir$ $hi %a!e %e (nea'0
E-en$(all' I realiMe! e-eral $hin#0 Fir$/ he #e$ %ore $han eno(#h
in$elle.$(al $i%(la$ion !(rin# $he !a' an! !eer-e $o en;o' o%e
(n.hallen#in# en$er$ain%en$0 9If a!(l$ .an rela2 ,i$h $(+i! i$6.o% or
+a+er*a.& $hriller/ ,h' .an1$ a fo(r$h6#ra!er l(% ,i$h +re6.hool
+ro#ra%@: Se.on!/ ,hen I ,a$.he! o%e of $hee ho, ,i$h her/ I
realiMe! $ha$ he ,a a.$(all' (in# her o+hi$i.a$e! &ill $o +re!i.$ +lo$
!e-elo+%en$/ .ri$i.iMe in.oni$en.ie/ .oni!er al$erna6$i-e .o(re of
a.$ion for $he .hara.$er/ an! fi#(re o($ $he $e.hni.al $ri.& $ha$ .rea$e
-ario( ill(ion0
CD
Thir!/ an! %o$ i%+or$an$/
AAD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
,a$.hin# a TV +ro#ra% 9or rea!in# a *oo&: $ha$1 "*elo, her le-el5
!oen1$ %a&e her !(%*er0 The real +eril .oni$ of +(hin# her $o
#ro, (+ fa$er0
The fear of *a*'in# i fir$ .o(in $o $he fear $ha$ o(r .hil!ren ,ill *e
lef$ *ehin!0 Thi hel+ $o e2+lain $he +o+(lari$' of no2io(/ fear6$o&in#
*oo& ,i$h $i$le li&e What 2our T%o-Day-<ld &hould no%0 Whene-er I
ee +aren$ e'ein# $he o$her &i! in a roo% $o #a(#e ,ho1 alrea!' !oin#
,ha$/ I1% re%in!e! of i*lin# ,ho/ (+on *ein# er-e! !eer$/
i%%e!ia$el' #lan.e a$ $he o$her one1 +or$ion $o %a&e (re i$ in1$ *i##er0
The .o%+(lion $o .o%+are refle.$ a fear/ (ni3(el' .(l6$i-a$e! in o(r
.o%+e$i$ion6.raM' o.ie$'/ $ha$ o$her +eo+le1 .hil!ren are ahea! of one1
o,n0 Peo+le ,ho a.$ a $ho(#h .hil!hoo! i a ra.e in-aria*l' -ii$ a
-arie$' of (n+ro!(.$i-e +re(re on $heir .hil!ren0
FEAR OF PERMISSIVENESS
<($ a $he .on.ern $ha$ one1 .hil!ren ,ill *e o($+erfor%e! *'
$heir +eer i ao.ia$e! ,i$h an (nheal$h' +re for (..e/ o $he
fear of +er%ii-ene .an +ro%o$e (nheal$h' o-er.on$rol0 A I1-e
alrea!' o*er-e!/ i$1 no$ +er%ii-ene i$elf/ *($ $he fear of
+er%ii-ene/ $ha$ .a(e $he %o$ erio( +ro*le% in o(r .(l$(re0
Tha$ fear i of$en $o&e! *' !i.i+line *oo&/ a Tho%a Gor!on on.e
+oin$e! o($7 "Fir$/ $he' %i$a&enl' hol! (+ +er%ii-ene a $he e-il
.(l+ri$N $hen $he' .are +aren$ in$o *elie-in# $ha$ $he onl' $hin# $he'
.an !o $o o-er.o%e i$ i $o e2er.ie $ron# +aren$al a($hori$')$ha$ i/
*e $ri.$/ la' !o,n r(le an! -i#oro(l' enfor.e $he%/ e$ fir% li%i$/
(e +h'6i.al +(nih%en$/ an! !e%an! o*e!ien.e05
CG
The e%+iri.al lin& *e$,een a(%+$ion an! fear/ on $he one han!/
an! .hil!6rearin# +ra.$i.e/ on $he o$her/ ha *een ,ell e$a*6lihe!0 For
e2a%+le/ %o$her ,ho *elie-e $ha$ *a*ie .an *e +oile! *' $oo %(.h
affe.$ion !o in!ee! $en! $o +ro-i!e le (++or$i-e en-i6ron%en$0
CF
B($
,i$h ol!er .hil!ren/ $oo/ ,e .an .ar.el' $all' (+ $he !a%a#e .a(e! *'
+aren$ ,ho i%+oe a($o.ra$i. !i.$a$e/ or offer onl' .on!i$ional
a..e+$an.e/ *e.a(e $he'1re $errifie! $ha$ an'$hin# ele
W H A T H O L D S U S B A 8 K @ AAG
a%o(n$ $o *ein# $oo +er%ii-e0 Freein# +eo+le fro% $hi fear i
an i%+or$an$ $e+ $o,ar! hel+in# $he% *e.o%e $he lo-in# +aren$
$he'1re .a+a*le of *ein#0
In %' e2+erien.e/ ,ha$ !i$in#(ihe $r(l' #rea$ +aren$ i $heir
,ill6in#ne $o .onfron$ $ro(*lin# 3(e$ion a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1-e
*een !oin# an! ,ha$ ,a !one $o $he%0 When a (##e$ion i
%a!e $ha$ $here %a' *e a *e$$er ,a' $o han!le a .onfli.$ ,i$h $heir
.hil!ren/ $he' rei$ $he $e%+$a$ion $o re+on! !efeni-el'/ "Well/
$ha$1 ,ha$ %' +aren$ !i! ,i$h %e/ an! o*-io(l' I $(rne! o($
o&a'05 To #e$ *e$$er a$ $he .raf$ of raiin# .hil!ren/ ,e nee! $o *e
o+en $o eein# ,ha$1 (n+lea6an$ in or!er $o e-al(a$e ,ha$ o(r
+aren$ !i! ri#h$ an! ,here ,e %i#h$ *e a*le $o i%+ro-e on $heir
a++roa.h0 Thoe of ( ,ho ,ere l(.&' eno(#h $o *e $rea$e! ,i$h
re+e.$ ,ill/ of .o(re/ ,an$ $o !o $he a%e ,i$h o(r o,n .hil!ren0
The re$ of ( %($ reol-e not $o $rea$ o(r .hil!ren $he ,a' ,e
,ere $rea$e!/ *($ ra$her $he ,a' ,e ,ih ,e ha! *een $rea$e!0
In li$in# a(%+$ion (.h a $hoe re#ar!in# re$ri*($ion an! reli6
#ion/ .o%+e$i$ion an! .onfor%i$'/ %' +oin$ in1$ $o ref($e $hoe *elief *($
$o hine a +o$li#h$ on $he% o ,e .an .oni!er ,he$her $he' infl(6en.e
o(r .hil!6rearin# +ra.$i.e0 An! %' o*;e.$i-e i ne.earil' e-en %ore
li%i$e! ,hen i$ .o%e $o $he !ee+l' +eronal $(ff0 No$,i$h6$an!in# ,ha$
'o( %a' ha-e hear! fro% o%e o$her a($hor/ $he +ro+e.$ for
%eanin#f(l $ranfor%a$ion fro% rea!in# a *oo& are no$ #oo!0 I .an onl'
ho+e $ha$ Fre(! ,a ri#h$ in $hin&in# $ha$ ini#h$ %i#h$ *e $he fir$ $e+
$o,ar! .han#e0 Real (n!er$an!in#/ $he &in! $ha$ in-ol-e $he #($ a ,ell
a $he hea!/ %a' no$ *e (ffi.ien$ for !oin# $hin# !ifferen$l' ,i$h one1
.hil!ren/ *($ i$ +ro*a*l' i ne.ear'0
The (+ho$ i $hi0 We1re (nli&el' $o %ee$ o(r lon#6$er% #oal for
o(r &i! (nle ,e1re rea!' $o a& $he follo,in# 3(e$ion7 "s it possi-
ble that %hat " ;ust did %ith the- had -ore to do %ith -y needs, -y
)ears, and -y o%n upbringing than %ith %hat0s really in their best
interests9 The an,er %a' ,ell *e a rea(rin# no)an!/ one ho+e/
AAF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$here ,ill *e %ore no1 $han 'ee $o $ha$ 3(e$ion a ,e #o alon#0
B($ ,e ha-e $o *e ,illin# $o &ee+ a&in# i$0 On.e ,e .an loo& a$
$he +o6i*le reaon for a.$in# $he ,a' ,e !o),hi.h/ of .o(re/
aren1$ li%6i$e! $o $hoe li$e! in $hi .ha+$er),e .an %o-e on $o
+e.ifi. i!ea for ho, $o *e.o%e *e$$er +aren$0
H
PRIN8IPLES OF
UN8ONDITIONAL PARENTING
I
%i#h$ a ,ell ,arn 'o( no,7 Wha$ follo, ,ill no$ *e a $e+6*'6$e+
re.i+e for Ho, $o Raie Goo! Ki!0 Fir$ of all/ I ,o(l! ha-e $o *e a
nearl' +erfe.$ +aren$ %'elf/ ,hi.h I1% no$/ *efore I +re(%e! $o offer
o$her +eo+le a !efini$i-e/ fail6afe #(i!e $o raiin# their .hil6!ren0
Se.on!/ I ha-e %' !o(*$ a*o($ $he ,i!o% of (.h an
a++roa.h in an' .ae0 Ver' +e.ifi. (##e$ion 9"When 'o(r .hil!
a' x, 'o( ho(l! $an! a$ lo.a$ion y an! (e = $one of -oi.e $o ($$er
$he follo,in# en$en.e 0 0 05: are !ire+e.$f(l $o +aren$ an! &i!
ali&e0 Raiin# .hil!ren i no$ li&e ae%*lin# a ho%e $hea$er '$e% or
+re+arin# a .aerole/ (.h $ha$ 'o( nee! onl' follo, an e2+er$1
in$r(.$ion $o $he le$$er0 No one6iMe6fi$6all for%(la .an +oi*l' ,or&
for e-er' fa%il'/ nor .an i$ an$i.i+a$e an infini$e n(%*er of i$6(a$ion0
In!ee!/ *oo& $ha$ .lai% $o offer (.h for%(la/ ,hile ea#erl' o(#h$
*' %o% an! !a! !e+era$e for a %ira.le .(re/ ((6
all' !o %ore har% $han #oo!0
Wha$ I ,ill !o/ in $hi .ha+$er an! $hoe $ha$ follo,/ i la' o($ o%e
*roa! +rin.i+le/ o%e ,a' of $hin&in# a*o($ ho, $o .rea$e al$erna6
$i-e $o $ra!i$ional +aren$in#0 Thee are !eri-e! fro% reear.h/ fro% a
'n$hei of $he ,or& of o$her $ho(#h$f(l a!-ior/ fro% %' o,n
AAJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
e2+erien.e/ an! fro% %' o*er-a$ion of o$her fa%ilie0 Yo(1ll ha-e
$o !e.i!e ,he$her ea.h i!ea ee% reaona*le an!/ if o/ ho, i$
%a' a++l' $o raiin# 'o(r o,n .hil!ren0
The re.o%%en!a$ion I1ll *e offerin# are/ fran&l'/ %ore .hallen#6
in# $han $hoe +ro+oe! in a lo$ of o$her *oo&0 I$1 har!er $o %a&e
(re .hil!ren feel lo-e! (n.on!i$ionall' $han i$ i ;($ $o lo-e $he%0 I$1
har!er $o re+on! $o $he% in all $heir .o%+le2i$' $han i$ i $o fo.( ;($
on $heir *eha-ior0 I$1 har!er $o $r' $o ol-e +ro*le% ,i$h $he%/ $o
#i-e $he% reaon for !oin# $he ri#h$ $hin# 9le$ alone $o hel+ $he% for6
%(la$e $heir o,n reaon:/ $han i$ i $o .on$rol $he% ,i$h .arro$ an!
$i.&0 "Wor&in# ,i$h5 a& %ore of ( $han !oe "!oin# $o05
O!!l'/ ",or&in# ,i$h5 i!ea are of$en hel! $o a %(.h hi#her $an6
!ar!0 One reear.her/ no$in# $ha$ 'o(n# .hil!ren $'+i.all' %i*eha-e
e-en af$er ha-in# *een $ol! $o $o+/ o*er-e $ha$ +aren$ $hen .on6
.l(!e $ha$ $al&in# $o .hil!ren !oen1$ ,or&0 B($ +(nih%en$/ in.l(!6in#
.or+oral +(nih%en$/ ((all' in1$ effe.$i-e ei$her/ he +oin$ o($0 In
fa.$/ half $he $o!!ler in one $(!' %i*eha-e! a#ain ,i$hin a*o($ $,o
ho(r)an! fo(r6fif$h of $he% %i*eha-e! a#ain *efore $he !a' ,a
o-er)re#ar!le of ho, $heir +aren$ re+on!e! $he fir$ $i%e0 "The
!ifferen.e 0 0 0 i $ha$/ ,hen +an&in# !oe no$ ,or&/ +aren$ !o no$
3(e$ion i$ effe.$i-ene05
A
9In!ee!/ i$1 .o%%on in $ha$ .ae $o
a(%e $he .hil! re3(ire -ore $ra!i$ional !i.i+line0:
No +e.ifi. in$er-en$ion/ nei$her %ine nor an'one ele1/ i
#(ar6an$ee! $o *e effe.$i-e0 B($ $r'in# $o i%+oe o(r ,ill on a .hil!
i al%o$ .er$ain $o *e ineffe.$i-e a$ +ro!(.in# an'$hin# *e'on!
reen$f(l $e%6+orar' o*e!ien.e0 9Of$en/ a ,e a, in .ha+$er E/ i$
!oen1$ e-en +ro6!(.e $ha$0: Wha$ I1ll *e !e.ri*in# ha a %(.h
*e$$er .han.e of (..e/ ,i$h far fe,er ri& $o a .hil!1 heal$h'
!e-elo+%en$ or $o o(r rela6$ionhi+ ,i$h $ha$ .hil!0
The hif$ a,a' fro% ol!er %e$ho!/ ho,e-er/ ha $o *e a..o%+a6
nie! *' a hif$ in #oal0 S+e.ifi.all'/ o(r %ain 3(e$ion ho(l!n1$ *e
"Ho, !o I #e$ %' .hil! $o !o ,ha$ I a'@5 *($ 6What does -y child
need3and ho% can " -eet those needs98 In %' e2+erien.e/ 'o( .an
+re!i.$ %(.h of ,ha$ ha++en in fa%ilie ;($ fro% &no,in# ,hi.h
P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
of $hoe 3(e$ion i %ore i%+or$an$ $o $he +aren$0 Yo( !on1$ e-en
ha-e $o &no, $he an,er $he'1-e fo(n!)$ha$ i/ ,hi.h $a.$i. are
(e! $o #e$ .o%+lian.e 9in $he fir$ .ae:/ or ,ha$ $he .hil! i $ho(#h$
$o nee! 9in $he e.on!:0 The 3(e$ion are ,ha$ .o(n$0
To fo.( on .hil!ren1 nee!/ an! $o ,or& ,i$h $he% $o %a&e (re
$heir nee! are %e$/ .on$i$($e a .o%%i$%en$ $o taking children seri-
ously. I$ %ean $rea$in# $he% a +eo+le ,hoe feelin# an! !eire
an! 3(e$ion %a$$er0 A .hil!1 +referen.e .an1$ al,a' *e
a..o%%o!a$e!/ *($ $he' .an al,a' *e .oni!ere! an! $he' nee!
ne-er *e !i%ie! o($ of han!0 I$1 i%+or$an$ $o ee a .hil! a
o%eone ,i$h a (ni3(e +oin$ of -ie,/ ,i$h -er' real fear an!
.on.ern 9of$en 3(i$e !ifferen$ fro% o(r o,n:/ an! ,i$h a !i$in.$i-e
,a' of reaonin# 9,hi.h i no$ %erel' ".($e5:0
When I fin! %'elf rea.$in# ,i$h horror $o .er$ain !i.i+line e2+er$
an! $he .a(all' .allo( a!-i.e $he' offer/ i$1 $'+i.all' *e.a(e $he'
!on1$ ee% $o honor)or/ in o%e .ae/ e-en $o like)&i!0 I a++l'
$he a%e $an!ar! ,hen I ,a$.h o$her +aren$0 I1% no$ o .on6.erne!
,i$h ,he$her $he' %a&e all $he a%e .hoi.e or (e $he a%e
$ra$e#ie $ha$ I !o/ *($ ,i$h ,he$her $heir a.$ion an! ,or! an! $one
of -oi.e %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ $he' $a&e $heir &i! erio(l'0
The follo,in# $hree .ha+$er ,ill offer (##e$ion for !oin# o
in $hree +e.ifi. ,a'7 e2+rein# (n.on!i$ional lo-e/ #i-in#
.hil!ren %ore .han.e $o %a&e !e.iion/ an! i%a#inin# ho,
$hin# loo& fro% $he .hil!1 +oin$ of -ie,0 Fir$/ $ho(#h/ I ,an$ $o
+ro+oe a *a&er1 !oMen #(i!in# +rin.i+le0 Ea.h of $hee ha
+ra.$i.al i%+li.a$ion $ha$ %a' *e %ore (r+riin# an! .hallen#in#
$han i$ .a+(le !e.ri+$ion ,o(l! i%+l'0
Here $he' are all $o#e$her7
1. Be refle.$i-e0
2. Re.oni!er 'o(r re3(e$0
3. Kee+ 'o(r e'e on 'o(r lon#6$er% #oal0
4. P($ $he rela$ionhi+ fir$0
5. 8han#e ho, 'o( ee/ no$ ;($ ho, 'o( a.$0
120 U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
6. R6E6S6P6E686T0
7. Be a($hen$i.0
8. Tal& le/ a& %ore0
9. Kee+ $heir a#e in %in!0
10. A$$ri*($e $o .hil!ren $he *e$ +oi*le %o$i-e .oni$en$
,i$h $he fa.$0
11. Don1$ $i.& 'o(r no1 in (nne.earil'0
12. Don1$ *e ri#i!0
13. Don1$ *e in a h(rr'0
1. BE REFLE8TIVE0
In a %o%en$ of fr($ra$ion/ %' ,ife on.e +($ her fin#er on a !ile%%a
$ha$ %an' +aren$ fa.e0 She ai!/ "I !on1$ &no, ho, $o %a&e $he &i! !o
,ha$ I a' ,i$ho($ !oin# $hin# I fin! (na++ealin#05 There1 no ea'
ol($ion $o $hi +ro*le%/ *($ $here1 one re+one $ha$ ,e !efini$el' o(#h$
$o a-oi!/ an! $ha$ i $o ra$ionaliMe ,ha$e-er ,e1re !oin# o $ha$ i$ no
lon#er ee% (na++ealin# $o (0 Poof4 No %ore !ile%%a0 Si%ilarl'/ o%e
+aren$ %ana#e $o .on-in.e $he%el-e $ha$ ,ha$e-er r(le $he'1-e
e$a*lihe!/ e-en $hoe ,i$h no .o%+ellin# ;(6$ifi.a$ion/ are o%eho, in
$heir .hil!ren1 *e$ in$ere$0
The *e$ +aren$ are in$ro+e.$i-e an! ,illin# $o #i-e $he%el-e a
har! $i%e0 I1% no$ (##e$in# $ha$ 'o( *e.o%e .on(%e! ,i$h #(il$
an! feelin# of ina!e3(a.'N $here i (.h a $hin# a *ein# $oo elf6
.ri$i.al 9or .ri$i.al in an (n+ro!(.$i-e ,a':0 B($ %o$ of ( ,o(l! *en6
efi$ *' +en!in# %ore $i%e re-ie,in# ,ha$ ,e1-e !one ,i$h o(r
.hil!ren in or!er $o *e *e$$er +aren$ $o%orro, $han ,e are $o!a'0
Tr' $o fi#(re o($ ,ha$ %a' *e !ri-in# 'o(r +aren$in# $'le0 The
%ore $ran+aren$ 'o( are $o 'o(relf)$he *e$$er 'o( .o%e $o (n!er6
$an! ho, 'o(r o,n nee! an! e2+erien.e affe.$ $he ,a' 'o( a.$
,i$h 'o(r .hil!ren 9(.h a ,ha$ !ri-e 'o( .raM' an! ,h':)$he %ore
li&el' i$ i $ha$ 'o(1ll i%+ro-e0 For e2a%+le/ $he 3(ali$ie $ha$ +ar$i.6
(larl' irri$a$e o%e +eo+le a*o($ $heir .hil!ren $(rn o($ $o *e (n,el6
.o%e re%in!er of $heir o,n lea$ a++ealin# fea$(re0 A Pie$ Hein/
P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$he Danih +oe$ an! .ien$i$/ +($ i$7 "The error har!e$ $o
.on!oneT In o$her +eo+le are one1 o,n05
In hor$7 Be hone$ ,i$h 'o(relf a*o($ 'o(r %o$i-e0 Don1$ $o+
*ein# $ro(*le! *' $hin# 'o( !o $ha$ reall' are $ro(*lin#0 An! *e aler$
for i#n $ha$ $he ,a' 'o( in$era.$ ,i$h 'o(r .hil!ren %a' ha-e !rif$e!
$o,ar! a .on$rollin# $'le ,i$ho($ 'o(r e-en *ein# a,are of i$0
C0 RE8ONSIDER YOUR REUUESTS0
Here1 a -er' (ne$$lin# +oi*ili$'7 Perha+ ,hen 'o(r .hil! !oen1$
!o ,ha$ 'o(1re !e%an!in#/ $he +ro*le% in1$ ,i$h $he .hil! *($ ,i$h ,ha$ i$
i 'o(1re !e%an!in#0 I$1 re%ar&a*le ho, fe, *oo& ,ri$$en for +aren$
e-en raie $hi +oi*ili$'0 The -a$ %a;ori$' of $he% $a&e ,ha$e-er $heir
rea!er ,an$ $heir &i! $o !o a $he +oin$ of !e+ar$(re/ an! $hen offer
$e.hni3(e for #e$$in# .o%+lian.e0 In %o$ .ae/ $hee $e.hni3(e
in-ol-e "+oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$5 or ".one3(en.e")$ha$ i/ *ri*e or
$hrea$0 In o%e .ae/ $he' in-ol-e %ore $ho(#h$f(l an! re+e.$f(l ,a'
of in$era.$in# ,i$h .hil!ren0 B($ al%o$ ne-er are +ar6en$ en.o(ra#e! $o
re.oni!er $heir re3(e$0
One re.en$ *oo&/ for e2a%+le/ $ree $he i%+or$an.e of *e.o%6
in# %ore re+oni-e an! %ore &illf(l a$ ,in6,in ne#o$ia$ion0 I fo(n!
$he +e.ifi. i!ea (ef(l an! $he #eneral a++roa.h refrehin#l'
h(%ane0 B($ in offerin# a!-i.e $o +aren$ ,ho ha! a&e! ho, $o #e$
$heir &i! $o %a&e $heir *e! or ea$ $heir -e#e$a*le/ $he a($hor ee%
no$ $o ha-e .oni!ere! $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ $hee o*;e.$i-e %i#h$ *e
+ro*le%a$i.0 If ,e1re #i-in# .hil!ren reaona*l' heal$h' %eal/ i i$
e-er ne.ear' $o for.e $he% $o ea$ o%e$hin#@ An! ,h' !oe $he
onl' +la.e in $he ,orl! $ha$ i $r(l' a .hil!1 o,n ha-e $o *e %ain$aine!
a..or!in# $o $he +aren$1 $an!ar!@ E-en rela$i-el' +ro#rei-e
*oo& $en! $o fo.( on ho%, ra$her $han %hether, $o #e$ $he .hil! $o !o
,ha$ $he +aren$ ,an$0
In o%e .ae/ $he $ro(*le i $ha$ +aren$al !e%an! are o($ of $e+
,i$h ,ha$ .an reaona*l' *e e2+e.$e! of .hil!ren a$ a .er$ain a#e0 9More
a*o($ $hi in a %o%en$0: B($ e-en ,hen a .hil! .an !o o%e6
ACC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$hin#/ i$1 $ill ,or$h a&in# ,he$her he ho(l!0 So%e +aren$ ,an$
$o &no, ho, $o #e$ $heir &i! $o +ra.$i.e $he +iano0 The %ore
+rein# 3(e$ion/ ho,e-er/ i7 If $he ,hole +ro.e i e2.r(.ia$in#
for $he .hil!/ ,h' are 'o( for.in# hi% $o $a&e leon@ I i$ for hi%/
or for 'o(@ Mi#h$ he en! (+ !ili&in# %(i. a a re(l$@ An! o i$
#oe for %an' o$her i(e0
Of .o(re/ $here are o%e $hin# ,e e2+e.$ .hil!ren $o !o $ha$
.learl' are reaona*le/ e-en if ,e %a' !ia#ree a*o($ ,hi.h i$e%
*elon# in $ha$ .a$e#or'0 M' .en$ral +oin$/ $ho(#h/ i $ha$/ *efore
ear.hin# for o%e %e$ho! $o #e$ &i! $o !o ,ha$ ,e $ell $he%/ ,e
ho(l! fir$ $a&e $he $i%e $o re$hin& $he -al(e or ne.ei$' of o(r
re3(e$0
E0 KEEP YOUR EYE ON YOUR LONG6TERM GOALS0
I *e#an $hi *oo& *' in-i$in# 'o( $o $hin& a*o($ ,ha$ 'o( ,an$
for 'o(r .hil!ren o-er $he lon# ha(l/ an! $o .oni!er $he +oi*ili$'
$ha$ .er$ain +aren$in# $ra$e#ie %a' a.$(all' i%+e!e $he
realiMa$ion of 'o(r #oal0 No, $ha$ ,e1-e e2a%ine! o%e of $hoe
$ra$e#ie %ore .loel'/ i$ %a' %a&e ene $o ,ei#h $he% a#ain$
ea.h of $he o*;e.$i-e 'o(1-e i!en$ifie!0
S(++oe/ for e2a%+le/ 'o( ,an$ 'o(r .hil! $o #ro, in$o o%eone
,ho i 9a: e$hi.al/ 9*: a*le $o ($ain heal$h' rela$ionhi+/ 9.: in$el6
le.$(all' .(rio(/ an! 9!: f(n!a%en$all' .on$en$ ,i$h hi%6 or herelf0
The $a&/ $hen/ ,o(l! *e $o a& ,he$her ea.h of $hee #oal i %ore
or le li&el' $o *e a.hie-e! a a re(l$ of (in# lo-e6,i$h!ra,al $e.h6
ni3(e (.h a $i%e6o($/ or ele.$i-el' reinfor.in# $he *eha-ior 'o(
li&e/ or a'in# 9e-en if no$ in o %an' ,or!: "Be.a(e I1% $he +aren$/
$ha$1 ,h'45 In fa.$/ an'$hin# 'o( !o ,i$h 'o(r .hil!ren on a re#(lar
*ai ho(l! *e e-al(a$e! in li#h$ of 'o(r (l$i%a$e #oal0
S(.h refle.$ion !oen1$ al,a' ha-e $o *e !one 3(i$e o '$e%a$i6
.all'0 In a %ore #eneral ene/ ,e o(#h$ $o &ee+ in %in! ,ha$ ,e1re
reall' loo&in# for0 I$1 $oo ea' $o #e$ $ra++e! in $he %in($iae of e-er'6
!a' life/ all $he 3(a**le an! fr($ra$ion $ha$ (+$a#e $he i%+or$an$
P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
3(e$ion0 The #oo! ne, i $ha$ ,hen +aren$ !o %ana#e $o &ee+
$heir *roa!er o*;e.$i-e in -ie,)in!ee!/ ,hen $he' fo.( on
an'$hin# %ore a%*i$io( $han ;($ #e$$in# $heir &i! $o o*e' ri#h$
$hi in$an$) $he' $en! $o (e *e$$er +aren$in# &ill an! $he' #e$
*e$$er re(l$0
C
A$ $he -er' lea$/ ,e nee! $o &ee+ a ene of
+er+e.$i-e0 Whe$her 'o(r .hil! +ill $he .ho.ola$e %il& $o!a'/ or
loe her $e%+er/ or for#e$ $o !o her ho%e,or& !oen1$ %a$$er
nearl' a %(.h a $he $hin# 'o( !o $ha$ ei$her hel+ or !on1$ hel+
her $o *e.o%e a !e.en$/ re+oni*le/ .o%+aiona$e +eron0
D0 PUT THE RELATIONSHIP FIRST0
S+ea&in# of +ara%o(n$ #oal/ $here1 no o-er$a$in# $he i%+or6
$an.e of $he rela$ionhi+ ,e .rea$e ,i$h o(r .hil!ren0 M' frien! Dann'
re.en$l' (%%ariMe! ,ha$ he1 learne! fro% 'ear of fa$herhoo!7
"Bein# ri#h$ in1$ ne.earil' ,ha$ %a$$er05 In fa.$/ i$ %a$$er -er' li$6
$le if 'o(r .hil!ren $iffen ,hen 'o( ,al& in$o $he roo%0
In a +(rel' +ra.$i.al ene/ %i*eha-ior i eaier $o a!!re)an!
+ro*le% are eaier $o ol-e),hen .hil!ren feel afe eno(#h ,i$h (
$o e2+lain $he reaon $he' !i! o%e$hin# ,ron#0 Ki! are %ore li&el'
$o .o%e $o ( ,hen $he'1re in $ro(*le/ $o loo& $o ( for a!-i.e/ an! $o
%ant $o +en! $i%e ,i$h ( ,hen $he' .an .hooe ,he$her $o !o o0
F(r6$her%ore/ ,hen $he' &no, $he' .an $r($ (/ $he'1re %ore li&el' $o
!o ,ha$ ,e a& if ,e $ell $he% i$1 reall' i%+or$an$0
Of .o(re/ a oli! an! lo-in# rela$ionhi+ in1$ ;($ifie! +ri%aril'
*e.a(e i$1 (ef(lN i$1 an en! in i$elf0 Tha$1 ,h' ,e nee! $o a&
,he$her i$1 ,or$h ;eo+ar!iMin# $ha$ rela$ionhi+ in or!er $o #e$ a *a*' $o
lee+ $hro(#h $he ni#h$/ or a $o!!ler $o $ar$ (in# $he +o$$'/ or a .hil! $o
%in! hi %anner0 There ,ill *e $i%e ,hen/ in or!er $o !o $he ri#h$ $hin#/
,e ha-e $o +($ o(r foo$ !o,n an! .a(e o(r &i! $o *e.o%e fr($ra$e!
,i$h (0 B($ *efore ,e reor$ $o .on$rollin# in$er-en$ion/ *efore ,e %a&e
a .hil! (nha++'/ an! .er$ainl' *efore ,e !o an'$hin# $ha$ .o(l! *e
.on$r(e! a +la.in# .on!i$ion on o(r lo-e/ ,e ho(l! %a&e a*ol($el'
(re i$1 ,or$h $he +oi*le $rain on $he rela$ionhi+0
E
124 U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
5. 8HANGE HOW YOU SEE/ NOT <UST HOW YOU A8T0
Un.on!i$ional +aren$ !on1$ ;($ *eha-e !ifferen$l'/ (.h a *'
a-oi!in# $he (e of +(nih%en$0 The' see $hin# !ifferen$l'0 When
a .hil! !oe o%e$hin# ina++ro+ria$e/ .on!i$ional +aren$ are li&el'
$o +er.ei-e $hi a an infra.$ion/ an! infra.$ion na$(rall' ee% $o
.all for ".one3(en.e05 Un.on!i$ional +aren$ are a+$ $o ee $he
a%e a.$ a a +ro*le% $o *e ol-e!/ an o++or$(ni$' for $ea.hin#
ra$her $han for %a&in# $he .hil! (ffer0 A#ain/ i$1 no$ ;($ $he .hoi.e
of a ",or&in# ,i$h5 a o++oe! $o a "!oin# $o5 re+oneN i$1 $ha$
$hee re+one e%er#e fro% ho, one %a&e ene of ,ha$
ha++ene!0 Moreo-er/ $o ee .hil!ren1 *eha-ior a a "$ea.ha*le
%o%en$5 in-i$e ( $o in.l(!e $he% in $he +ro.e of ol-in# $he
+ro*le%/ ,hi.h i %ore li&el' $o *e effe.$i-e0
F0 R6E6S6P6E686T0
Par$ of ,ha$ I %ean *' $a&in# .hil!ren erio(l' i $rea$in# $he%
,i$h re+e.$0 M' -al(e ;(!#%en$ i $ha$ all +eo+le !eer-e $hi0 M'
h'+o$hei i $ha$ &i! are %ore li&el' $o re+e.$ o$her 9in.l(!in# 'o(:
if $he' $he%el-e feel re+e.$e!0 E-en +aren$ ,ho o*-io(l' lo-e
$heir .hil!ren !on1$ al,a' a.$ a $ho(#h $he' re+e.$ $he%0 So%e
o(n! ni!e or ar.a$i.0 The' ,ri$e off $heir &i!1 re3(e$/ !i%i
$heir feel6in# of an#er/ or $ri-ialiMe $heir fear0 The' in$err(+$ $heir &i!
in a ,a' $he' ,o(l!n1$ !rea% of !oin# ,i$h ano$her a!(l$/ 'e$ $he'
*e.o%e in.ene! ,hen $heir &i! in$err(+$ $he%0 An! $he' %a' alo
$al& about $heir .hil!ren in a *eli$$lin# ,a'7 "Oh/ he1 ;($ *ein# a
+ri%a !onna05 "<($ i#nore hi% ,hen he #e$ li&e $ha$05
To $rea$ .hil!ren re+e.$f(ll' %ean %a&in# an effor$ $o a-oi! !oin#
$hee $hin#/ *($ i$ alo %ean realiMin# $ha$ .hil!ren are %ore
&no,le!#ea*le a*o($ o%e %a$$er $han ,e are)an! I !on1$ ;($ %ean
$ha$ $he' &no, ,hi.h !inoa(r ,ere %ea$6ea$er0 Tho%a Gor!on ai! i$
,ell7 "8hil!ren o%e$i%e &no, *e$$er $han +aren$ ,hen $he' are lee+'
or h(n#r'N &no, *e$$er $he 3(ali$ie of $heir frien!/ $heir o,n a+ira$ion
an! #oal/ ho, $heir -ario( $ea.her $rea$ $he%N
P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
&no, *e$$er $he (r#e an! nee! ,i$hin $heir *o!ie/ ,ho% $he'
lo-e an! ,ho% $he' !on1$/ ,ha$ $he' -al(e an! ,ha$ $he' !on1$05
D
In an' .ae/ ,e .an1$ al,a' a(%e $ha$ *e.a(e ,e1re %ore
%a$(re ,e ne.6earil' ha-e %ore ini#h$ in$o o(r .hil!ren $han
$he' ha-e in$o $he%6el-e0
Th(/ i$1 !ire+e.$f(l for a +aren$ $o $ell a .hil! ,ha$ he i
an! in1$ e2+erien.in#)for e2a%+le/ $o re+on! $o an an#r'
!e.lara$ion $ha$ he ha$e her *ro$her *' e2.lai%in#/ "Wh' ,o(l!
'o( a' $ha$@ Of .o(re 'o( !on1$45 A+ar$ fro% failin# $o hel+ $he
i$(a$ion/ (.h re+one %a' ,ell *e rea! a a &in! of .on!i$ional
a..e+$an.e0 The .hil! %a' .o%e $o *elie-e $ha$ her feelin# aren1$
i%+or$an$/ $ha$ $here1 o%e$hin# ,ron# ,i$h her for ha-in# $he%/
an! $ha$ he .an onl' *e lo-e! if he #e$ (+e$ a*o($ $he $hin#
Mo%%' $hin& i$1 o&a' $o #e$ (+e$ a*o($0
H0 BE AUTHENTI80
So%e +eo+le are a..(e! of $r'in# $o *e a frien! $o $heir
.hil!ren ra$her $han a +aren$0 I a#ree $ha$ $hi .onf(ion .an *e
(nee%l' an! (nhel+f(l0 B($ ,hile ,e ha-e $o *e %ore $han +al/
,e %($n1$ $o+ *ein# +eo+le ,i$h $he%0 We ho(l!n1$ hi!e *ehin!
$he role of Fa$her or Mo$her/ $o $he +oin$ $ha$ o(r h(%ani$' 9or o(r
h(%an .onne.$ion ,i$h $he%: !ia++ear0
I !on1$ %ean $ha$ ,e ho(l! !i.loe all $he in$i%a$e !e$ail of o(r
li-e $o o(r .hil!ren0 So%e $hin# ,e !on1$ $ell $he% (n$il $he'1re ol!
eno(#h/ an! o%e $hin# ,e1ll ne-er $ell $he%0 B($ $here1 a !i%enion of
#en(inene $ha$1 %iin# in $he ,a' o%e +aren$ a.$ ,i$h $heir &i!/
an! $ha$ a*en.e .an *e &eenl' fel$ e-en if $he .hil!ren .an1$ 3(i$e i!en$if'
,ha$1 la.&in# in/ or no$ 3(i$e ri#h$ a*o($/ $he rela$ionhi+0
Real +eo+le ha-e nee! of $heir o,n/ $hin# $he' en;o' !oin#/
$hin# $he' ha$e0 Ki! ho(l! &no, $ha$0 Real +eo+le o%e$i%e
*e.o%e fl($ere! or !i$ra.$e! or $ire!0 The'1re no$ al,a' (re ,ha$
$o !o0 So%e$i%e $he' a' $hin# ,i$ho($ $hin&in# an! la$er re#re$
$he%0 We ho(l!n1$ +re$en! $o *e %ore .o%+e$en$ $han ,e are0 An!
ACF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
,hen ,e .re, (+/ ,e ho(l! a!%i$ i$7 "Yo( &no,/ ,ee$ie/ I1-e
*een $hin&in# a*o($ ,ha$ I ai! la$ ni#h$/ an! I $hin& I %i#h$ ha-e
*een ,ron#05 M' a!-i.e i $o %a&e a +oin$ of a+olo#iMin# $o 'o(r
.hil! a*o($ o%e$hin# a$ lea$ $,i.e a %on$h0 Wh' $,i.e a %on$h@
I !on1$ &no,0 I$ o(n! a*o($ ri#h$ $o %e0 9Al%o$ all $he +e.ifi.
a!-i.e in +aren$in# *oo& i i%ilarl' ar*i$rar'0 A$ lea$ I a!%i$ i$0:
There are $,o reaon $o a+olo#iMe0 Fir$/ i$ e$ a +o,erf(l
e2a%6+le0 I no$e! earlier $ha$ i$ %a&e no ene $o )orce .hil!ren $o
a' $he'1re orr' ,hen $he'1re no$0 A far %ore effe.$i-e ,a' $o
in$ro!(.e $he% $o $he i!ea of a+olo#iMin# i $o sho% $he% ho, i$1
!one0 Se.on!/ a+olo#iMin# $a&e 'o( off 'o(r +erfe.$ +aren$
+e!e$al an! re%in! $he% $ha$ 'o(1re falli*le0 In fa.$/ i$ ho,
$he% $ha$ i$1 +oi*le $o a.&no,le!#e 9$o o(rel-e an! $o o$her:
$ha$ ,e %a&e %i$a&e/ an! $ha$ $hin# are o%e$i%e o(r fa(l$/
,i$ho($ loin# fa.e or feelin# ho+elel' ina!e3(a$e0
The reaon $ha$ a+olo#iMin# i o i%+or$an$ are alo $he
reaon $ha$ %o$ +aren$ !on1$ !o i$0 Af$er all/ i$ .an feel
rea(rin# $o $an! on $ha$ +e!e$al/ $ha$ +oi$ion of (l$i%a$e an!
(n3(e$iona*le a($hor6i$'0 To a' 'o(1re orr' i $o %a&e 'o(relf
-(lnera*le/ ,hi.h in1$ ea' for %an' of ()in +ar$ *e.a(e of $he
e2$re%e -(lnera*ili$' ,e e2+e6rien.e! a .hil!ren0
Wha$1 %ore/ %an' +aren$ fear $ha$ rea.hin# o($ $o !e-elo+ #en6
(ine/ ,ar% rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $heir &i! %a' .o%+ro%ie $heir .a+a.6
i$' $o .on$rol $he%0 M(.h of .on!i$ional +aren$in# .an *e $ra.e! *a.&
$o $he fa.$ $ha$ ,hen $hoe $,o o*;e.$i-e .lah/ .on$rol $en! $o *e
fa-ore! o-er .onne.$ion0 Yo( .an ee $hi e-en in $he (*$le ,a'
+ar6en$ !i$an.e $he%el-e fro% $heir &i!/ (.h a *' $al&in# a*o($
$he%el-e in $he $hir! +eron 9"Mo%%' ha $o lea-e no,5: lon# af$er
$he .hil! i a*le $o (n!er$an! ho, +rono(n ,or&0
8hil!ren ,ill $ill loo& (+ $o ( e-en if ,e1re .an!i! a*o($ o(r li%6
i$a$ion/ e-en if ,e +ea& $o $he% fro% o(r hear$/ an! e-en if $he'
.an ee $ha$/ for all $he +ri-ile#e an! ,i!o% $ha$ a!(l$hoo! .onfer/
,e1re $ill ;($ +eo+le $r(##lin# $o %a&e o(r ,a' in $he ,orl!/ $o !o
$he ri#h$ $hin#/ $o *alan.e +eo+le1 nee!/ $o &ee+ learnin#);($ a
P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$he' are0 In fa.$/ $he %ore real ,e are ,i$h $he%/ $he %ore li&el' i$
i $ha$ $he'1ll feel real re+e.$ for (0
J0 TALK LESS/ ASK MORE0
Di.$a$in# $o &i! 9e-en in a ni.e ,a': i far le +ro!(.$i-e $han
eli.i$in# i!ea an! o*;e.$ion an! feelin# fro% $he%0 If $al&in# $o
o(r .hil!ren a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1-e !one ,ron# fail $o *rin# a*o($ $he
re(l$ ,e ,ere ho+in# for/ i$ in1$ *e.a(e o%e $ron#er for% of
!i6.i+line i re3(ire!0 I$ %a' *e *e.a(e ,e !i! %o$ of $he
$al&in#0 Ma'*e ,e ,ere o *(' $r'in# $o #e$ $he% $o ee o(r +oin$
of -ie, $ha$ ,e !i!n1$ reall' hear $heir0 To *e a #rea$ +aren$ i
%ore a f(n.6$ion of li$enin# $han of e2+lainin#0
A fa$her in On$ario ,ro$e $o $ell %e a*o($ $he !a' hi fo(r6'ear6
ol! !a(#h$er *ro(#h$ ho%e a *a# of na.& fro% .hool0
She !(%+e! $he% on $he li-in# roo% floor an! %a!e a *i# %e/
an! I a&e! her $o +($ $he% *a.& in $he *a# an! e$ $he% on $he
$a*le0 She ref(e!0 M' ini$ial rea.$ion ,a $ha$ $hi ,a a
.hallen#e $o %' a($hori$'0 She ha! "!io*e'e!5 %e/ an! $herefore
+(nih%en$ ,a in or!er0 O$her,ie/ he ,o(l!n1$ li$en $o %e in
$he f($(re0 =In$ea!/ $ho(#h/> I a&e! her/ "Wh' !on1$ 'o( ,an$ $o
+($ $he% a,a'@5 She re+lie!/ "Be.a(e I ,an$ $o ea$ $he%05 The
+ro*le% ol-e! i$elf af$er $hi0 All I ha! $o a' ,a/ "Yo( .an $ill
ea$ $he% af$er 'o( +($ $he% in $he *a#)all I ,an$ i $he li-in#
roo% .lean05 She i%%e!ia$el' +($ $he% in $he *a# an! e$ $he%
on $he $a*le0
A a r(le/ o(r fir$ +riori$' i $o fi#(re o($ $he o(r.e of $he +ro*6le%/ $o
re.o#niMe ,ha$ .hil!ren nee!0 For e2a%+le/ $,o6 an! $hree6'ear6ol!
of$en a.$ o($ *e.a(e $he'1re (n!er#oin# a *(%+' $rani$ion fro%
*a*'hoo! in$o +eronhoo!0 The'1re ,re$lin# ,i$h $he a$$ra.6$ion of
free!o% an! in!e+en!en.e/ $he +o,er of *ein# a*le $o !o ne, $hin#/
,hile i%(l$aneo(l' $r'in# $o .o+e ,i$h (n,el.o%e li%i$a6
ACJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$ion on $he e2er.ie of $heir ,ill0 The' ,an$ %ore a($ono%' $han
$he'1re #i-en)an! o%e$i%e %ore $han $he' .an han!le0 The'1re
alo .are! a*o($ $an!in# a+ar$ fro% 9an! in o++oi$ion $o: $heir
+aren$0 The la$ $hin# $he' nee! !(rin# (.h $(%(l$ i a +aren$
,ho i fo.(e! ;($ on e$$in# li%i$ an! &ee+in# .on$rol0
So%e$i%e $he reaon for $ro(*leo%e a.$ion are a f(n.$ion
of a +e.ifi. .hil! or i$(a$ion0 When &i! are $oo 'o(n# $o e2+lain
)or/ in o%e .ae/ e-en $o (n!er$an!)$hoe reaon/ ,e ha-e
$o +ie.e $o#e$her $he .l(e $ha$ %i#h$ hel+ ( %a&e ene of
,ha$1 #oin# on0 When %' on/ Aa/ *e.a%e .ran&' an! .lin#'
!(rin# hi $hir! 'ear/ ,e realiMe! $ha$ i$ ,a +ro*a*l' rela$e! $o $he
!e+ar$(re of $he *a*'i$6$er ,ho ha! hel+e! $o $a&e .are of hi%
in.e he ,a *orn0 No$ onl' ,a he li&el' #rie-in# for her/ *($ he
,a alo ,on!erin#/ on o%e le-el/ ,he$her $hi %ean$ $ha$
Mo%%' or Da!!'/ $oo/ %i#h$ ;($ (+ an! !ia++ear one !a'0
Tellin# hi% $o $o+ f(in# ,o(l! *e fr(i$le an! fr($ra$in#0
When .hil!ren are ol! eno(#h $o $ell ( ,h' $he'1re (nha++' or an#r'/
$he 3(e$ion $hen *e.o%e ,he$her $he' feel afe eno(#h $o !o o0 O(r
;o* i $o .rea$e $ha$ ene of afe$'/ $o li$en ,i$ho($ ;(!#%en$/ $o %a&e
(re $he' &no, $he' ,on1$ #e$ in$o $ro(*le for $ellin# ( ,ha$ $he'1-e !one
or *e .on!e%ne! for ,ha$ $he' feel0 I !on1$ a' $hi *e.a(e I1% a
rela$i-i$ ,ho *elie-e $ha$ all $hin# +eo+le !o are e3(all' -ali! an! .an1$
*e ;(!#e!0 I a' $hi *e.a(e I1% a +ra#%a$i$ ,ho realiMe $ha$ 'o( ha-e
$o &no, $he o(r.e of a +ro*le% in or!er $o ol-e i$/ an! alo $ha$ +eo+le
,ho are afrai! of *ein# ;(!#e! are le li&el' $o +ea& o+enl' an!
$herefore le li&el' $o #i-e 'o( $he infor%a$ion ne.ear' $o (n!er6$an!
$he o(r.e of $he +ro*le%0 Tha$1 ,h' $a&in# $hi .re!o eri6o(l')"$al&
le/ a& %ore5)i #oo! a!-i.e for *e.o%in# no$ onl' a *e$$er +aren$ *($
alo a *e$$er +o(e/ frien!/ %ana#er/ or $ea.her0
On $he o$her han!/ no$ all $'+e of a&in# are e3(all' +ro!(.$i-e0
Rhe$ori.al 3(e$ion/ ,hi.h aren1$ reall' in$en!e! $o eli.i$ a $ho(#h$6f(l
re+one/ are +oin$le a$ *e$7 "Wh' .an1$ 'o( loo& a$ +eo+le ,hen
$he'1re $al&in# $o 'o(@5 E-en ,ore are 3(e$ion ,here $here i one
ri#h$ an,er/ an! $he +oin$ i no$ for $he .hil! $o refle.$ *($ %erel' $o
P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
#(e ,ha$ re+one 'o(1re loo&in# for7 "Wha$ !o 'o( $hin& 'o(
.o(l! a' $o 'o(r i$er in.e 'o( ;($ *(%+e! in$o her@5
Af$er offerin# a hor$ li$ of i%ilar "3(e$ion $ha$ #e$ ( no,here
fa$/5 $he a($hor Bar*ara 8oloroo (##e$ $ha$/ *efore a&in# o%e6
$hin#/ 'o( %i#h$ "3(e$ion ,h' 'o( are a&in# i$05 La'in# *are o(r %o$i-e
.an offer #(i!an.e a*o($ ,he$her i$1 ,or$h a&in#0
G
Hin$7 I$1 ,hen ,e1re
no$ en$irel' (re ,ha$ $he .hil! ,ill a'/ an! ,hen ,e1re o+en $o %ore
$han one re+one/ $ha$ a 3(e$ion i %o$ li&el' $o *e *enefi.ial0
On o..aion/ ,e ,o(l! !o ,ell $o a-oi! $al&in# or a&in#0 In %an'
i$(a$ion/ ,e #e$ in$o $ro(*le a +aren$ *e.a(e ,e feel o*li#e! $o
a' o%e$hin#/ e-en $ho(#h $he *e$ a!-i.e ,o(l! *e $o &ee+ 3(ie$0
So%e$i%e ,hen a .hil! i -er' a!/ (##e$ .hil! +'.holo#i$ Ali6
.ia Lie*er%an/ "onl' $a'in# near ,or!lel' !oe honor $o $he .hil!1
e2+erien.e0 H(##in# an! hol!in# 9if $he .hil! allo,: .an .on-e' feel6
in# %(.h *e$$er $han ,or!0 In fa.$/ $o (e lan#(a#e in $hee .on!i6
$ion i ne.earil' $o %i(e i$0 There ,ill *e $i%e for ,or! la$er05
F
O*-io(l'/ $here i no re.i+e for ,hen $o +ea& (+ an! ,hen $o
hol! *a.&0 So%e$i%e ,e !eal ,i$h .hil!ren1 (nha++ine or ra#e
or ina++ro+ria$e *eha-ior *' $al&in# $oo %(.h/ o..aionall' *'
$al&in# $oo li$$le/ an! %o$ of$en *' $al&in# in a ,a' $ha$ in1$
+ar$i.(larl' hel+f(l0 O-erall/ $ho(#h/ $he +re.ri+$ion $o $al& le
an! a& %ore .an *e a (ef(l #(i!e/ +ar$i.(larl' if ,e a++l' i$ in a
,a' $ha$ hel+ ( $o *e.o%e %ore re+oni-e an! (++or$i-e0
I0 KEEP THEIR AGES IN MIND0
An' +ie.e of a!-i.e/ in $hi *oo& or an',here ele/ %a' ha-e $o *e
a++lie! !ifferen$l' ,i$h .hil!ren of !ifferen$ a#eN $he $ra$e#ie ,e (e
,i$h .hil!ren ha-e $o .han#e a $he' #ro,0 For e2a%+le/ ,hen a *a*'
$ar$ $o .r' *e.a(e 'o( re%o-e! an ina++ro+ria$e i$e% he ,a
+la'6in# ,i$h/ i$1 fine $o !i$ra.$ her ,i$h a ne, #a%e or $o'0 B($
!i$ra.6$ion i ineffe.$i-e an! e-en in(l$in# ,hen a++lie! $o an ol!er
.hil!/ ;($ a i$ ,o(l! *e if you .o%+laine! a*o($ o%e$hin# $ha$ ,a
*o$h6erin# 'o( onl' $o ha-e 'o(r +o(e $r' $o .han#e $he (*;e.$0
AEB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
8on$rollin# +aren$/ a I1-e %en$ione!/ are li&el' $o hol!
.hil!ren $o (nreali$i.all' hi#h e2+e.$a$ion/ +ar$l' *e.a(e $he'
!on1$ (n!er6$an! ;($ ho, (nreali$i. $hoe e2+e.$a$ion are0
H
The' %i#h$/ for e2a%+le/ +(nih a $o!!ler for failin# $o !o ,ha$ he
ai! he ,o(l! !o/ or !e%an! $ha$ a +re.hooler i$ 3(ie$l' $hro(#h
a lon# fa%il' !in6ner0 The reali$' i $ha$ -er' 'o(n# .hil!ren i%+l'
.an1$ #ra+ $he o*li6#a$ion en$aile! *' %a&in# a +ro%ieN $o hol!
$he% re+oni*le for !oin# o i/ $o (e $he +hrae +referre! *'
earl'6.hil!hoo! e2+er$/ "!e-elo+%en$all' ina++ro+ria$e05 I$1
i%ilarl' (nreali$i. $o e2+e.$ .hil!ren $o $a' $ill for lon# +erio!
of $i%e0 I$1 nor%al for $he% $o fi!#e$/ $o *e lo(!/ $o for#e$ $o $(rn off
a *a$$er'6o+era$e! $o'/ an! $o *e.o%e (nner-e! *' ,ha$ ee% $o
( $o *e $in' .han#e in $heir en-i6ron%en$0 We ha-e $o &ee+ o(r
e2+e.$a$ion &e'e! $o ,ha$ $he'1re .a+a*le of !oin#0
AB0 "ATTRIBUTE TO 8HILDREN THE BEST POSSIBLE
MOTIVE 8ONSISTENT WITH THE FA8TS05
Thi en$en.e/ fro% a($hor an! e!(.a$or Nel No!!in#/
J
i one of
$he ,ie$ +ie.e of a!-i.e I1-e e-er .o%e a.ro0 I$ +rin# fro% $,o
fa.$0 One7 We ((all' !on1$ &no, for (re ,h' a .hil! a.$e! $he ,a'
he !i!0 T,o7 O(r *elief a*o($ $hoe reaon .an .rea$e a elf6f(lfillin#
+ro+he.'0 If ,e a(%e $ha$ an ina++ro+ria$e a.$ion ,a %o$i-a$e! *'
a .hil!1 ini$er !eire $o .a(e $ro(*le or $o ee ho, %(.h he .an
#e$ a,a' ,i$h)or if ,e a$$ri*($e (.h *eha-ior $o hi *ein# a na$(ral
$ro(*le%a&er)he %a' *e.o%e e2a.$l' ,ha$ ,e fear0 8hil!ren .on6
$r(.$ a $heor' a*o($ $heir o,n %o$i-e *ae! in +ar$ on o(r a(%+6
$ion a*o($ $heir %o$i-e/ an! $hen $he' a.$ a..or!in#l'7 "Yo( $hin& I1%
;($ +lain *a! an! nee! $o *e .on$rolle! all $he $i%e@ Fine0 Wa$.h %e
a.$ a $ho(#h 'o(1re ri#h$05
So%e$i%e in %' ,or&ho+ I in-i$e +ar$i.i+an$ $o re.all an in.i6!en$
fro% $heir o,n .hil!hoo! in ,hi.h $he' !i! o%e$hin# ,ron#) or ,ere
a..(e! of !oin# o%e$hin# ,ron#0 I a& $he% $o $r' $o re%e%*er a
%an' !e$ail a +oi*le a*o($ $hi e-en$7 ,ha$ ,a ai!
P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
or !one $o $he% *' an a!(l$ an! ,ha$ ha++ene! a a re(l$0 I1% al,a'
$r(.& *' ho, -i-i! +eo+le1 %e%orie are/ a if $hee $hin# ha! ha+6
+ene! ,ee& a#o ra$her $han !e.a!e a#o0 Thi e2er.ie of$en er-e a
a re%in!er of ,ha$ +(nih%en$ feel li&e fro% $he .hil!1 +oin$ of -ie,/
ho, %(.h har% i$ !oe an! ho, li$$le #oo!0 B($ I1-e alo *een $r(.& *'
ho, fre3(en$l' $he $orie +eo+le $ell are a*o($ ho, a $ea.her or +aren$
!i!n1$ ha-e all $he fa.$ an! lea+e! $o $he a(%+6$ion $ha$ $he' ha! !one
o%e$hin# *a! e-en ,hen $hi ,an1$ $r(e0 I$1 a #oo! leon $o
re%e%*er/ if onl' *e.a(e ,e !on1$ ,an$ o(r &i! $o #ro, (+ an! $ell
$orie a*o($ us in ,or&ho+ one !a'0
E-en ,hen +aren$ !on1$ a' o($ lo(! $ha$ $he .hil! %($ ha-e a.$e!
a he !i! *e.a(e he1 $(+i! or !e$r(.$i-e or *a!/ i$ %a$$er if $he'
*elie-e $hi i $r(e0 I$1 no$ ;($ $he a$$ri*($ion ,e ($$er $ha$ %a$$er/ *($ $he
one ,e %a&e in o(r hea!0 Tho(#h ,e %a' ne-er +ea& an (n&in! ,or!
a*o($ o(r .hil!ren/ a(%+$ion a*o($ $heir %o$i-e in-aria*l' affe.$ $he
,a' ,e $rea$ $he%0 The %ore ne#a$i-e $hoe a(%+$ion/ $he %ore
in.line! ,e1ll *e $o .on$rol $he% (nne.earil'0
The #oo! ne, i $ha$ ,e .an .rea$e an "a(+i.io( .ir.le5 in
+la.e of $he -i.io( one0 If ,e !on1$ ha-e an' .on.re$e e-i!en.e $o
$he .on6$rar'/ ,h' no$ a(%e $here %a' *e an inno.(o(
e2+lana$ion for ,ha$ ;($ ha++ene!@ Ma'*e ,ha$ loo&e! li&e a
!eli*era$e a.$ of a##reion ,a a.$(all' a..i!en$al0 Ma'*e ,ha$
a++eare! $o *e an a.$ of $hie-er' ,an1$ $ha$ a$ all0 We .an hel+
&i! $o !e-elo+ #oo! -al(e *' $rea$in# $he% a $ho(#h $he' ,ere
alrea!' %o$i-a$e! *' $hoe -al6(e0 The' $here*' .o%e $o *elie-e
,ha$1 *e$ a*o($ $he%el-e an! li-e (+ $o o(r $r($ in $he%0
The %o$ o*-io( .ae in ,hi.h i$ %a&e ene $o a$$ri*($e $he
*e$ +oi*le %o$i-e ha $o !o ,i$h i%%a$(ri$'0 Mi.hief of$en .an *e
e2+laine! *' a i%+le la.& of &ill or #(i!an.e/ an inno.en$ !eire $o
e2+lore/ an ina*ili$' $o foreee ,ha$ ha++en ,hen 'o( $a&e $ha$ $hin#
an! !o $hi $o i$0 When +aren$ holler an#r' rhe$ori.al 3(e$ion a$
$heir .hil!ren)"Wh' in $he ,orl! ,o(l! 'o( !o $ha$@ Are 'o(
!ene@5)I i%a#ine $he .hil! re+l'in#/ "No/ I1% no$ !ene4 I1% three#5
Si%ilarl'/ e-en $ho(#h 'o( %a' #ro, $ire! of +i.&in# $he +oon off
AEC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$he floor for $he (%+$een$h $i%e/ i$1 i%+or$an$ $o realiMe $ha$ a one6
'ear6ol! &ee+ +(hin# i$ off $he hi#h .hair ;($ *e.a(e &i! of
$ha$ a#e #e$ a &i.& o($ of !ro++in# $hin#)no$ *e.a(e he1
"$e$in# li%6i$/5 an! .er$ainl' no$ *e.a(e he1 $r'in# $o %a&e
Mo%%' %iera*le0 <($ *e.a(e a .hil!1 a.$ion %a' ha-e a
ne#a$i-e effe.$ on 'o( !oen1$ %ean $ha$ ,a $he .hil!1 in$en$ion0
So ho, .an ,e e$ an a(+i.io( .ir.le in$o %o$ion in$ea!@ 8on6
i!er a fi-e6'ear6ol! *o' ,ho +i.&e! (+ a lar#e ro.& an! a++eare! rea!'
$o $hro, i$0 "A $ea.her $an!in# near*' ai! .a(all'/ RLen! %e $he ro.&/1
an! !e%on$ra$e!/ *' $o(.hin# $he ro.& $o $he .hil!1 hea!/ ho, $he ro.&
.o(l! hi$ a .la%a$e1 hea!0 The $ea.her $hen re$(rne! $he ro.& $o $he
.hil!/ a'in#/ R8arr' i$ .aref(ll'01 5 Af$er rela$in# $hi ane.6!o$e/ ,hi.h $oo&
+la.e in a <a+anee .hool/ 8a$herine Le,i/ a +e6.iali$ in earl'6
.hil!hoo! e!(.a$ion/ re%ar& $ha$ he ,a (r+rie! *' $he fa.$ $ha$ $he
$ea.her "nei$her a&e! $he .hil! $o +($ !o,n $he ro.& nor i%+lie! $ha$ $he
.hil! in$en!e! $o $hro, i$05 In$ea!/ $he $ea.her
i%+lie! $ha$ $he +ro*le% ,a one of infor%a$ion)$ha$ $he *o'
ha!n1$ $ho(#h$ .aref(ll' a*o($ ho, $he ro.& %i#h$ h(r$ o$her0 The
$ea.her1 a.$ion alo i%+lie! $ha$ $he *o' ,a .a+a*le of elf6
.on$rolN af$er all/ $he $ea.her #a-e $he ro.& *a.& $o $he *o'0 In
.on$ra$/ if $he $ea.her ha! $a&en a,a' $he ro.& or i%+oe!
+(nih%en$/ $he *o' %i#h$ ha-e inferre! $ha$ he ,a (n$r($6
,or$h' or in.a+a*le of elf6.on$rolN an! he %i#h$ ,ell ha-e
fo.(e! on +(nih%en$ a $he reaon no$ $o $hro, ro.&/ ra$her
$han on $he !an#er of in;(rin# o$her0
Le,i a.&no,le!#e $ha$ "if $he *o' ,ere an aliena$e! AC6'ear6ol!
,ho in!ee! in$en!e! $o h(r$ a .la%a$e/ an! $he $ea.her re$(rne! $he
ro.& $o hi%/ he %i#h$ i%+l' fi#(re $he a!(l$ ,a a fool05
I
Si%ilarl'/ i$
,o(l! *e ill' or !iin#en(o( $o (##e$ $o a .hil! ,ho ha -i.io(l'
&i.&e! o%eone $ha$ he +ro*a*l' !i!n1$ %ean an' har%0
AB
Tha$1 ,h'
No!!in#1 %o$$o i $o a$$ri*($e $o .hil!ren $he *e$ +oi*le %o$i-e
consistent %ith the )acts. B($ $here are +len$' of $i%e ,hen $he fa.$
P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
are (n&no,n $o (/ an! o(r in.lina$ion ho(l! *e $o #i-e $he .hil!
$he *enefi$ of $he !o(*$0
A#ain/ $hi a!-i.e i e+e.iall' i%+or$an$ ,i$h 'o(n# .hil!ren/
,hoe a++aren$ %i*eha-ior reall' i li&el' $o *e !(e %o$l' $o $heir
a#e 9in ,hi.h .ae o(r +oi$i-e a(%+$ion are +ro*a*l' a..(ra$e:
an! ,hoe ene of $he%el-e i $ill in for%a$ion 9o o(r a(%+6
$ion/ +oi$i-e or ne#a$i-e/ affe.$ $he% %ore:0 Ho,e-er/ e-en ,i$h
ol!er .hil!ren/ o(r fir$ rea.$ion ho(l!n1$ *e $o *la%e7 "Well/ 'o( %($
ha-e !one o%e$hin# $o %a&e hi% %a!05 Ra$her/ ,e nee! $o
'%+a$hiMe an! $r' $o (n!er$an! ,h' o(r .hil!ren a.$e! a $he' !i!0
AA0 DON1T STI8K YOUR NO1S IN UNNE8ESSARILY0
The *elief $ha$ +aren$ $o!a' !on1$ a' no $o $heir .hil!ren of$en
eno(#h i a (*e$ of $he %ore #eneral .lai% $ha$ +er%ii-ene i
r(n6nin# ra%+an$/ $ha$ &i! are +oile! *e.a(e a!(l$ fail $o .on$rol
$he% eno(#h0 I1-e alrea!' !i.(e! $hi a(%+$ion/ *($ i$ %a' %a&e
ene $o a!!re $he +e.ifi. i(e of +($$in# one1 foo$ !o,n0
The reali$' i $ha$ %o$ +aren$ are .on$an$l' a'in# no0 A..or!6
in# $o !e.ri+$i-e $(!ie/ 'o(n# .hil!ren in +ar$i.(lar are +re-en$e!
fro% !oin# o%e$hin# $he' ,an$/ or %a!e $o !o o%e$hin# $he'1!
ra$her no$/ li$erall' e-er' fe, %in($e0
AA
9If 'o( !on1$ *elie-e $hi/ $r'
&ee+in# $ra.& of ,ha$ ha++en in 'o(r ho(e o-er $he .o(re of a
!a'0: Of .o(re/ no re+oni*le +aren$ .an a-oi! all (.h
in$er-en$ion0 B($ i$1 ,or$h a&in# ,he$her ,e !o $he% $o e2.e0
When afe$' i a$ ri&/ for e2a%+le/ ,e ha-e $o in$er-ene/ no %a$6$er
ho, %(.h fr($ra$ion i$ %a' .a(e0 B($ e-en here $hin# aren1$ al,a'
.lear6.($0 8oni$en$ ,i$h $he i%+era$i-e $o &ee+ $heir a#e in %in!/ i$1
i%+or$an$ $o realiMe $ha$ .hil!ren *e.o%e *e$$er a*le $o an$i.i+a$e an!
a-oi! !an#er a $he' #e$ ol!er0 9Of .o(re/ $he'1re %ore li&el' $o !e-elo+
$hee &ill if $he'1re #i-en $he (++or$ $he' nee! an! $rea$e! ,i$h $r($
an! re+e.$0: Thi %ean $ha$ %an' +aren$al re$ri.6$ion *e.o%e
in.reain#l' le ne.ear' an! %ore .onfinin#0 An! $hen/ of .o(re/
$here1 $he 3(e$ion of ho% ,e in$er-ene ,hen ,e feel
AED U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
,e %($ !o o7 #en$l' or r(!el'@ E%+a$hi.all' or !ire+e.$f(ll'@
Wi$h or ,i$ho($ an e2+lana$ion@
E-en ,hen .hil!ren are 'o(n#/ i$1 of$en !e*a$a*le ,he$her ,ha$
$he' ,an$e! $o !o reall' ,a !an#ero(0 So%e$i%e ,e in-o&e $he
i!ea of afe$' $o ;($if' a'in# no for o$her reaon0 We %a' $ell &i!
$o $o+ !oin# $hin# $ha$ are a.$(all' +re$$' har%le/ or ,e %a' a'
no a($o6%a$i.all' ,hen $he' +ro+oe o%e$hin# o($ of $he or!inar'0
We o%e6$i%e ref(e $o allo, a .hil! $o !o o%e$hin# ;($ *e.a(e
i$1 in.on-enien$ for (0 Yo(r +re.hooler ,an$ $o *e#in a h(#e .raf$
+ro;e.$/ ,hi.h 'o( &no, ,ill .rea$e a %e $oo lar#e for hi% $o .lean
(+0 Are 'o( ;($ifie! in a'in# no@ Yo(r i26'ear6ol! ,an$ 'o( $o $a&e
+ar$ in ano$her e2$en!e! role6+la'in# #a%e in ,hi.h ea.h of 'o( +re6
$en! $o *e an ani%al0 Yo( ha-e no$hin# (r#en$ $o !o a$ $ha$ %o%en$/
*($ 'o(1re $ire! of $hee #a%e an! ,o(l! +refer $ha$ he en$er$ain
her6elf0 Yo(r $en6'ear6ol! a& 'o( $o *rin# hi% a na.& ,hile he1
,a$.h6in# TV0 I $ha$ a reaona*le re3(e$/ one $ha$ allo, 'o( $o e$
an e2a%+le of ho, ,e !o ni.e $hin# for one ano$her/ or ho(l! 'o(
ini$ $ha$ he .o%e #e$ i$ hi%elf@ An! ,hile ,e1re a$ i$/ i i$ o&a' for
'o(r .hil! $o .hooe $o lee+ on $he floor@ To i$ *a.&,ar! on her
.hair !(r6in# !inner@
Thee aren1$ .ae of %ee$in# &i!1 nee!0 The'1re ,an$/ an!
$here6fore i$1 i%+oi*le $o $i+(la$e $he .orre.$ +aren$al re+one
in a!-an.e0 S$ill/ %' re.o%%en!a$ion i $o a' 'e ,hene-er
+oi*le0 Tha$ ho(l! *e $he !efa(l$ re+one/ (.h $ha$ 'o( nee!
a #oo! reaon not $o #o alon# ,i$h ,ha$1 *ein# +ro+oe!/ or $o
$e+ in an! for*i! o%e$hin#0 Of .o(re/ $hi *e# $he 3(e$ion of
,ha$ .on$i$($e a #oo! reaon/ *($ i$1 a eni*le ,a' $o fra%e $he
i(e/ +ar$i.(larl' if ,e1-e #o$$en in$o $he ha*i$ of ref(in# %o$
re3(e$0 9I1ll a' %ore la$er a*o($ ne#o6$ia$in# ol($ion $o#e$her
a an al$erna$i-e $o i%+l' #ran$in# or !en'6in# +er%iion0:
When I a' $ha$ ,e ho(l! %a&e (re ,e1re no$ a'in# no $oo
of$en or (nne.earil'/ I !on1$ %ean $ha$ our .on-enien.e/ o(r ,an$/
!on1$ .o(n$/ $oo0 The' !o0 B($ $he' ho(l!n1$ .o(n$ for o %(.h $ha$
,e1re #ra$(i$o(l' re$ri.$in# o(r .hil!ren/ +rohi*i$in# $he% fro% $r'in#
P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$hin# o($0 When 'o( .o%e ri#h$ !o,n $o i$/ $he ,hole +ro.e of
rai6in# a &i! i +re$$' !a%ne! in.on-enien$/ +ar$i.(larl' if 'o( ,an$
$o !o i$ ,ell0 If 'o(1re (n,illin# $o #i-e (+ an' of 'o(r free $i%e/ if
'o( ,an$ 'o(r ho(e $o $a' 3(ie$ an! .lean/ 'o( %i#h$ .oni!er
raiin# $ro+i6.al fih in$ea!0
So%e +aren$ ar#(e $ha$ !e+ri-a$ion i !eira*le for i$ o,n a&e7
"8hil!ren ha-e $o #e$ (e! $o fr($ra$ionN $he' %i#h$ a ,ell learn $ha$
$he'1re no$ #oin# $o *e a*le $o !o e-er'$hin# $he' ,an$ $o in life05
So%e$i%e $hi ee% $o *e a ,a' for $hee +aren$ $o ra$ionaliMe
a'6in# no/ ,hi.h i $heir +referen.e for o$her reaon0 B($ an'one
,ho $a&e $hi .lai% erio(l' nee! onl' o*er-e ho, of$en .hil!ren
en! (+ e2+erien.in# fr($ra$ion e-en in a fa%il' ,here $he +aren$ $r'
$o a' 'e a of$en a $he' .an0 There are %ore $han eno(#h
o++or$(ni6$ie for learnin# $o !eal ,i$h li%i$/ for .onfron$in# $he fa.$
$ha$ i$1 i%+oi*le $o #e$ e-er'$hin# one ,an$0 Ki! !on1$ nee!
+aren$ $o a!! $o $hoe o..aion *' a'in# no ,hen $he' .o(l! ha-e
ai! 'e0 Bei!e/ ,ha$ *e$ +re+are .hil!ren $o !eal ,i$h $he
.hallen#e of $he "real ,orl!5 i $o e2+erien.e (..e an! ;o'0 Peo+le
!on1$ #e$ *e$$er a$ .o+in# ,i$h (nha++ine *e.a(e $he' ,ere
!eli*era$el' %a!e (nha++' ,hen $he' ,ere 'o(n#0
A+ar$ fro% ,an$in# $o le$ o(r .hil!ren feel .o%+e$en$/ en;o'
e2+lorin# $heir ,orl!/ an! $r' o($ ne, +oi*ili$ie 9e-en ,hen $he'
!on1$ ,or& o($ a +lanne!:/ $here1 alo a +ra.$i.al reaon $o li%i$ o(r
no10 I$1 -er' !iffi.(l$ $o enfor.e an en!le erie of +rohi*i$ion0 Thi
.rea$e a !ile%%a7 On $he one han!/ ,e %a' feel .o%+elle! $o *a.&
off an! ;($ le$ $he% ha-e $heir ,a' in $he en!0 The re(l$ i $ha$ ,e
,on1$ *e $a&en erio(l' ,hen ,e reall' !o ha-e $o !ra, a line0 On
$he o$her han!/ ,e %a' ref(e $o re.oni!er an! $herefore +en! an
a,f(l lo$ of o(r $i%e in a $a$e of .onfli.$/ ,hi.h i hi#hl' (n+leaan$ for
all .on.erne!0 M' a!-i.e7 Pi.& 'o(r *a$$le0
Of .o(re/ $he i(e in1$ onl' $he n(%*er of $i%e ,e a' 'e or no0
Ei$her re+one .an *e (n,ie in .er$ain .ir.(%$an.e0 <($ a one .an
a.3(ire $he ha*i$ of !en'in# %o$ re3(e$ $ha$ a .hil! %a&e/ i$1 e3(all'
ea' $o en! (+ #i-in# in $o e-er' !e%an!7 "Oh/ #o ahea! an!
AEF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$a&e $he !a%n .oo&ie/ $hen05
AC
So%e$i%e ,e a.3(ie.e o($ of
laMineN i$1 eaier $o le$ $he &i! ha-e ,ha$ he ,an$/ e+e.iall' if
,e feel hel+6le/ .onf(e!/ an! fr($ra$e! a*o($ ho, $o han!le
o(r .hil!ren1 !e%an!/ ,hi.h .an o%e$i%e ee% relen$le0
Wha$ %a$$er %o$ i $he reaon for o(r !e.iion/ an! $he e2$en$
$o ,hi.h ,e1re ,illin# $o +ro-i!e #(i!an.e/ $o (++or$ .hil!ren1
.hoi.e/ $o *e $here ,i$h $he%)all of ,hi.h i a lo$ %ore .hallen#in#
$han ;($ a'in# 'e or no0 Wha$ I1% $al&in# a*o($ %i#h$ *e .alle!
%in!f(l .hil!6rearin#/ ,hi.h i $he o++oi$e of *ein# on a($o+aren$0 I$
re3(ire enor%o( reer-e of a$$en$ion an! +a$ien.e0 In o%e .ae/
i$ a& ( $o 3(e$ion $he ,a' ,e o(rel-e ,ere raie!0
8learl'/ ,e .an1$ a$$en! .aref(ll' $o e-er' re3(e$ an! $hin&
$hro(#h $he i%+li.a$ion of e-er' +oi*le re+one)+ar$i.(larl'
,hen ,e1re feelin# o-erloa!e!0 B($ e-en if ,e .an1$ !o i$ all $he
$i%e/ ,e ho(l! $ri-e $o !o i$ a %(.h a +oi*le0 In (%7 Don1$
a' no if 'o( !on1$ a*ol($el' ha-e $o0 An! $r' $o $hin& a*o($ $he
reaon for e-er'6$hin# 'o( a'0
AC0 DON1T BE RIGID0
A foolih .oni$en.' i $he hall%ar& of ineffe.$i-e +aren$in# 9a
Ral+h Wal!o E%eron al%o$ ai!:0 Wai-e $he r(le on +e.ial o..a6
ionN for#e$ a*o($ $heir *e!$i%e no, an! $henN (+en! $he +rohi*i6
$ion on ea$in# in $he li-in# roo% (n!er .er$ain .ir.(%$an.e0 Ma&e i$
.lear $o 'o(r &i! $ha$ ,ha$ 'o(1re !oin# i/ in fa.$/ an e2.e+$ion/
o%e$hin# $he' ho(l!n1$ e2+e.$ all $he $i%e/ *($ !on1$ le$ a fear of .re6
a$in# a +re.e!en$ +re-en$ 'o( fro% *ein# fle2i*le an! +on$aneo(0
The a%e .oni!era$ion a++l' $o ho, 'o( re+on! $o %i*eha-6ior0
An' #i-en a.$ion ha $o *e (n!er$oo! in a .on$e2$/ a a f(n.$ion of
+e.ifi. i$(a$ion an! .a(e0 Allo,an.e ho(l! *e %a!e for a .hil!1
ha-in# an off !a'/ or for $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ you0re feelin# le $oleran$ $hi
e-enin#0 Moreo-er/ &ee+ in %in! $ha$ $he .hil!ren ,ho are %o$ li&el' $o
.o%+lain a*o($ infle2i*ili$')an! $o o(n! li&e la,'er a $he'
!e+era$el' .i$e %i$i#a$in# .ir.(%$an.e)are $he &i!
P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
,hoe +aren$ (e +(nih%en$0 8on-erel'/ i$1 a%aMin# ho,
%(.h le $ree! an! !efeni-e e-er'one i/ an! ho, $here1
le +re(re $o ini$ on a (nifor% !efini$ion of ;($i.e 9"Whene-er
$hi ha++en/ $he re+one %($ *e $ha$5:/ ,hen ,e $hin& in $er%
of +ro*le% $o *e ol-e! ra$her $han infra.$ion $o *e +(nihe!0
The a*en.e of +(n6ih%en$ alo free (+ +aren$ $o re+on!
!ifferen$l' $o ea.h of $heir .hil!ren ,i$ho($ $irrin# (+ an#r' .har#e
of fa-ori$i%0 E3(i$a*le $rea$%en$ for i*lin# !oen1$ al,a' %ean
e3(al $rea$%en$/ an! i$1 a he.& of a lo$ eaier $o *e fle2i*le ,hen
no one1 fo.(e! on ,hi.h +enal$' ,ill *e i%+oe!0
I a#ree ,i$h %an' o*er-er $ha$ .hil!ren #enerall' !o *e$$er
,hen $here1 o%e !e#ree of +re!i.$a*ili$' in $heir li-e0 B($ i$1
ea' $o o-er!o $hi)or/ %ore +re.iel'/ $o o-erloo& $he fa.$ $ha$
.hil!ren alo ha-e o$her nee! $ha$ %a' o-erri!e $hi one0 There1
li$$le -al(e in ha-6in# an en-iron%en$ $ha$1 +re!i.$a*l' (n+leaan$/
(.h a a fa%il' in ,hi.h &i! .an .o(n$ on *ein# o-er.on$rolle!/
or $rea$e! ,i$ho($ %(.h re+e.$/ or lo-e! onl' .on!i$ionall'0 The
+oin$ in1$ ;($ ,he$her .hil!ren &no, ,ha$ $o e2+e.$N i$1 ,he$her
,ha$ $he'1-e .o%e $o e2+e.$ %a&e ene0
La$l'/ a+ar$ fro% !ifferen.e *e$,een i$(a$ion/ or *e$,een .hil6
!ren/ $here1 $he %a$$er of !ifferen.e *e$,een +aren$0 I$1 $r(e $ha$
,hen Mo% an! Da! ha-e -er' !ifferen$ $hrehol! for ;(n& foo!/ or for
$a'in# o($ la$e/ .hil!ren 3(i.&l' fi#(re o($ ,ho% $o a& or e-en ho,
$o +la' one a#ain$ $he o$her0 B($ a#ain/ i$1 +oi*le $o o-er!o or
%ia++l' $he .oni$en.' $ha$1 o .o%%onl' .alle! for in +aren$in#
#(i!e0 We %a' refer $o i$ a "&ee+in# a (ni$e! fron$/5 *($/ a Ali.e
Miller +oin$e! o($/ i$ .an feel $o $he .hil! a $ho(#h $,o #ian$ are
(ni$e! a#ain$ hi-.
AE
F(r$her%ore/ i$1 heal$h' for .hil!ren $o ee $ha$
a!(l$ o%e$i%e !ia#ree/ ,hi.h hel+ $o (n!er.ore $ha$ ,e1re
h(%an0 I$ alo allo, ( $o ho, $he% ho, +eo+le .an reol-e $heir
!ia#ree%en$ re+e.$f(ll')or/ in o%e .ae/ ho, ,e .an ;($ learn
$o $olera$e !ifferen.e0 Thee i%+or$an$ life leon are lo$ ,hen *o$h
+aren$ feel .o%+elle! $o $a&e $he a%e +oi$ion on e-er' i(e in
fron$ of $he &i!/ no$ $o %en$ion $he inheren$ !ihone$' of !oin# o0
138 U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
13. DON1T BE IN A HURRY0
I (e! $o offer $hi a!-i.e $o +aren$ of 'o(n# .hil!ren %o$l' a a
;o&e0 O*-io(l'/ ,e .an1$ al,a' .on$rol o(r .he!(le/ e-en if i$
,o(l! *e ni.e $o ha-e %ore $i%e0 B($ I1-e *e.o%e %ore erio( a*o($
$hi i(e an! $he i%+or$an.e of !oin# all ,e .an/ a of$en a ,e .an/
$o a-oi! i$(a$ion ,here ,e feel .o%+elle! $o (e .oer.ion0 Paren$
*e.o%e %ore .on$rollin# ,hen $i%e i hor$/ ;($ a $he' !o ,hen
$he'1re in +(*li.0 The .o%*ina$ion of $he $,o .on!i$ion i a &iller0
When 'o( ha-e o%e 3(ie$ $i%e/ i$ !o,n 9,i$h 'o(r .o6+aren$/ if
'o( ha-e one: $o !e$er%ine ,here i$ %i#h$ *e +oi*le $o .han#e 'o(r
.he!(le in or!er $o re!(.e $he li&elihoo! of ha-in# $o r(h 'o(r .hil!0
Wha$ if ,e ,o&e (+ fif$een %in($e earlier@ Wha$ if ,e ,en$ #ro.er'
ho++in# on Sa$(r!a'@ Wha$ if ,e .han#e! $he *a$h $i%e@ I$1 of$en
eaier $han 'o( $hin& $o a-oi! (r#en.'/ $he #oal *ein# $o allo, .hil6
!ren $o feel (nh(rrie! o $he' .an en;o' *ein# .hil!ren0
Ano$her *enefi$7 Rearran#in# 'o(r .he!(le #i-e 'o( $he l(2(r' of
,ai$in# o($ a .hil! ,ho i *ein# !efian$ or rei$an$/ ra$her $han +(llin#
o($ $he $hrea$ or o$her,ie i%+oin# 'o(r ,ill0 If he1 ref(6in# $o !o
o%e$hin# $ha$ 'o(1-e !e.i!e! %($ *e !one/ 'o( .an a'/ "Sorr'/
,ee$ie/ *($ 'o( ha-e $o +($ 'o(r .oa$ on0 I$1 -er' .ol! o($ an! ,e1re
#oin# $o *e ,al&in# for a ,hile0 B($ if 'o(1! ra$her ,ai$ for a %in($e/
$ha$1 fine0 Tell %e ,hen 'o(1re rea!'05 9I fin! %'elf (in# $ha$ la$
en$en.e 3(i$e of$en0: If 'o( *a.& off an! #i-e &i! o%e $i%e/ $he'
((all' .o%e aro(n!0 RealiMe/ ho,e-er/ $ha$ e-en $ho(#h 'o(1re
allo,in# &i! $o !e.i!e ,hen $o .o%+l'/ 'o(1re $ill i%+oin# 'o(r ,ill
on $he%/ an! $herefore $hi $e.hni3(e ho(l! no$ *e (e!
in!i.ri%ina$el'0 8oni$en$ ,i$h $he e.on! +rin.i+le in $hi .ha+$er/
'o( ho(l! ini$ on .o%+lian.e onl' af$er $hin&in# erio(l' a*o($
,he$her a #i-en re3(e$ reall' i non6ne#o$ia*le/ an! ,h'0
E-en on $hoe o..aion ,hen ,e are in a *i$ of a h(rr'/ i$1 i%+or6
$an$ no$ $o *e %in($e6,ie an! ho(r6foolih0 Tr'in# $o r(h a %all .hil! i
a fool1 erran!0 Therefore/ i$ of$en %a&e ene $o +en! a li$6$le $i%e no,
$o a-e %ore $i%e la$er0 M' $,o6'ear6ol! on fell alee+ on $he ,a' $o $he
(+er%ar&e$ one af$ernoon0 If I ha! +lo++e! hi%
P R I N 8 I P L E S O F U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
in $he .ar$ an! r(he! $hro(#h $he aile/ he ,o(l! ha-e *een
%ier6a*le 9an! .hil!ren1 %ier' reall' !oe lo-e .o%+an':0
In$ea!/ I ro(e! hi% #en$l'/ an! $hen/ e-en $ho(#h I !i!n1$ ha-e
%(.h $i%e $o +are/ I a$ 3(ie$l' ,i$h hi% ini!e $he $ore for a fe,
%in($e/ +oin$6in# o($ $hin# I &ne, he1! *e in$ere$e! in/ $he i!ea
*ein# $o hel+ hi% ,a&e (+ #ra!(all'0 We %ana#e! $o #e$ $hro(#h
$he ho++in# fairl' 3(i.&l' an! ,i$ho($ an' f(0
There1 a %ore #eneral +oin$ l(r&in# *enea$h $hi ,hole !i.(ion7
Ra$her $han $r'in# $o .han#e 'o(r .hil!1 *eha-ior/ i$ ((all' %a&e %ore
ene $o al$er $he en-iron%en$0 Wha$1 $r(e of $i%e i $r(e of +a.e0 A
lo.&e! #a$e $ha$ &ee+ a $o!!ler in 'o(r 'ar! i a lo$ %ore eni*le $han
an a$$e%+$ $o rel' on fear or e-en +er(aion $o &ee+ her fro% ,an!erin#
in$o $he $ree$0 In #eneral/ !o ,ha$ 'o( .an $o hea! off +ro*le%0 If 'o(
an$i.i+a$e $ha$ 'o(r .hil! ,ill ha-e $ro(*le i$$in# $ill 9a'/ a$ a re$a(ran$:/
$hen $a&e alon# *oo&/ $o'/ or o$her !i-er6ion ra$her $han +la.in# $he
*(r!en on her $o *eha-e herelf0
Finall'/ I .an1$ rei$ +oin$in# o($ $ha$ $he +hrae "!on1$ *e in a
h(rr'5 ha ano$her %eanin#0 I$ %i#h$ *e $ho(#h$ of a a re%in!er
$o lo, !o,n an! a-or 'o(r $i%e ,i$h 'o(r &i!0 When o(r fir$
.hil! ,a *orn/ ,e 3(i.&l' -o,e! $o lin# a +oo+' !ia+er a$ $he
ne2$ +er6on ,ho earne$l' infor%e! ( $ha$ "$he' #ro, (+ o fa$05
Yeah/ 'eah/ 'eah/ ,e ai!0
B($ i$1 $r(e0
J
LOVE WITHOUT
STRINGS ATTA8HED
U
n.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e %a' *e !eira*le/ *($ i i$ +oi*le@
Before re+on!in# $o $hi .ri$i.al 3(e$ion/ le$1 *e .lear a*o($ ,ha$
,e1re a&in#0 The i(e here i no$ ,he$her +eo+le .an a..e+$
the-selves ,i$ho($ .on!i$ion)$ha$ i/ ,he$her an'one ha $r(l'
(n.on!i$ional elf6e$ee%0 9See ++0 CCFQCHnCA0: Ra$her/ ,ha$ ,e
,an$ $o &no, i ,he$her i$1 reali$i. $o $hin& $ha$ ,e .an a..e+$
an! lo-e o(r .hil!ren for ,ho $he' are/ ,i$h no $rin# a$$a.he!0
Here I $hin& $he an,er i .learl' 'e0 Lo$ of +aren$ feel $ha$ ,a'0
B($ i i$ +oi*le/ on a !a'6$o6!a' *ai/ $o a.$ ,i$h o(r .hil!ren in (.h a
,a' $ha$ $he' ne-er !o(*$ o(r lo-e@ Kee+ in %in! $ha$ ,e ha-e $o
fr($ra$e $he% *' a'in# no o%e$i%e0 O..aionall' ,e %a' *e.o%e
i%+a$ien$ or e-en an#r' ,i$h $he%0 An! .hil!ren of$en ha-e $ro(*le
!i$in#(ihin# +eo+le1 (n!erl'in# feelin# fro% $heir +ain# %oo!0 So
.an ,e en(re $ha$ $he'1ll al,a' feel (n.on!i$ionall' lo-e!@
Pro*a*l' no$0 B($ o(r o*;e.$i-e ho(l! *e $o .o%e a .loe a +o6
i*le $o $ha$ i!eal0 Af$er all/ +erfe.$ ha++ine %a' alo *e an (nrea.h6
a*le #oalN i$ i/ a one ,ri$er +($ i$/ an i%a#inar' .on!i$ion $ha$1 ((all'
a$$ri*($e! $o .hil!ren *' a!(l$/ an! $o a!(l$ *' .hil!ren0 B($ $ha$ !oen1$
9an! ho(l!n1$: $o+ +eo+le fro% $r'in# $o *e ha++ier $han
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
$he' are0
A
The a%e i $r(e of &in!ne/ ,i!o%/ an! o$her
3(ali$ie $ha$ are i%+erfe.$l' realiMe!0
The fa.$ $ha$ o %an' +aren$ ee% $o a..e+$ $heir .hil!ren
onl' .on!i$ionall' !oen1$ %a&e $ha$ +ra.$i.e an' le !a%a#in# or
an' %ore a..e+$a*le0 An! re%e%*er/ ,e1re no$ $al&in# a*o($
+oilin# &i! or $a&in# a han!6off a++roa.h $o raiin# $he%0
Un.on!i$ional +ar6en$ +la' an a.$i-e role in $he li-e of $heir
.hil!ren/ +ro$e.$in# $he% an! hel+in# $he% learn ri#h$ fro% ,ron#0
In hor$/ $he 3(e$ion in1$ ,he$her ,e should $r' $o .o%e .loer $o
*ein# (n.on!i$ional +aren$0 Nor i $here %(.h !o(*$ a*o($
,he$her ,e can !o o0 <($ *e.a(e $here ,ill al,a' *e roo% for
i%+ro-e%en$ !oen1$ %ean $ha$ ,e .an1$ !o *e$$er $han ,e1re
.(rren$l' !oin#0 We .an an! ,e ho(l!0 The 3(e6$ion i ho,0
!pproaching Unconditionality
The fir$ $e+ i i%+l' $o *e %in!f(l of $he ,hole i(e of (n.on!i6
$ional +aren$in#0 The %ore ,e1re $hin&in# alon# $hee line/ refle.$in#
on ,he$her $he $hin# ,e !o an! a' $o o(r &i! .o(l! reaona*l' *e
in$er+re$e! a .on!i$ional affe.$ion 9an!/ if o/ ,h':/ $he %ore li&el' ,e
are $o .han#e ,ha$ ,e !o0 8oni!er a +aren$ ,ho re+or$ $he fol6
lo,in#7 "We ,ere $r'in# $o fi#(re o($ ,ha$ $o !o ,i$h o(r on/ ,ho
'elle! o%e$hin# na$' an! la%%e! hi !oor af$er I a&e! hi% $o $i!'
(+ hi roo%0 Sho(l! ,e #i-e hi% a fe, %in($e $o .al% !o,n@ Ho,
fir% ho(l! ,e *e@ I1! ne-er reall' $ho(#h$ a*o($ $hi *efore/ *($ no,
I1% ,on!erin# ,he$her $he $hin# ,e ,ere $hin&in# of !oin# ,ill lea-e
hi% feelin# ,e !on1$ lo-e hi% ,hen he1 an#r'05 M' +oin$ i $ha$
%erel' .oni!erin# $ha$ +oi*ili$' i a %o-e in $he ri#h$ !ire.$ion/
re#ar!le of ho, $hi +aren$ finall' !e.i!e $o han!le $he i$(a$ion0
Se.on!/ ,e nee! $o #e$ in $he ha*i$ of a&in# o(rel-e a -er'
+e6.ifi. 3(e$ion7 "If $ha$ .o%%en$ I ;($ %a!e $o %' .hil! ha! *een
%a!e $o %e)or if ,ha$ I ;($ !i! ha! *een !one $o %e),o(l! " feel
(n.on!i$ionall' lo-e!@5 I$1 no$ $erri*l' .o%+li.a$e! $o +erfor% $hi
ADC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
or$ of i%a#ina$i-e re-eral/ *($ $o !o o on a re#(lar *ai .an *e
no$hin# hor$ of $ranfor%a$i-e0
When $he an,er $o $ha$ 3(e$ion i .learl' no/ i$ *rin# ( (+
hor$0 We %i#h$ .on.l(!e $ha$ ,ha$ ,e ;($ !i! i o%e$hin# ,e
ho(l!n1$ !o a#ain0 We %i#h$ *e %o-e! $o offer an a+olo#'0 B($ if
,e !on1$ a& $hi 3(e$ion/ i$1 ea' $o .on$in(e ;($if'in# an'$hin#
,e !o0 In fa.$/ o%e +aren$/ (+on realiMin# $ha$ ,ha$ $he' ai! or
!i! ha! a ne#a$i-e effe.$/ %a' e-en $ell $he%el-e $ha$ $he .hil! i
;($ *ein# $oo eni$i-e0 On.e ,e a& o(rel-e/ "Ho, ,o(l! "
ha-e fel$@5 i$1 a lo$ har!er $o le$ o(rel-e off $he hoo&0
A oon a a .hil! i *orn/ i$1 $i%e $o $hin& a*o($ o(r +aren$in#
$'le/ an! +e.ifi.all' a*o($ $he ,a' ,e rea.$ ,hen $hin# !on1$ #o
%oo$hl'0 Do ,e %a&e (re $ha$ an infan$ feel lo-e! an! a..e+$e!
e-en ,hen he ,on1$ $o+ .r'in#/ e-en ,hen he +ro%+$l' %ee
$he !ia+er ,e ;($ finihe! +($$in# on/ e-en ,hen he1 no$ a "#oo!
lee+er5@ So%e +eo+le -er' 3(i.&l' *e.o%e fair6,ea$her +aren$/
(+6+or$i-e an! a$$en$i-e onl' ,hen $heir .hil!ren are ea' $o *e ,i$h0
B($ (n.on!i$ional lo-e %a$$er %o$ ,hen $he'1re no$0
A $he' #e$ ol!er/ &i! .an $r' o(r +a$ien.e in ne, ,a'0 Nee! ,e
re-ie, $he +oi*ili$ie@ The' a' ha$ef(l $hin# o%e$i%e0 The' a.$
a*o%ina*l'0 The' !o e2a.$l' ,ha$ ,e ;($ $ol! $he% no$ $o !o/ ,hi.h
+ar$i.(larl' inf(ria$e +aren$ ,ho/ *e.a(e of $heir o,n +'.holo#i.al
i(e/ ini$ on a*ol($e o*e!ien.e0 The' .on+i.(o(l' +refer one +ar6
en$ $o $he o$her/ ,hi.h !oen1$ feel e+e.iall' ,ar%in# ,hen 'o(1re $he
o$her0 The' fi#(re o($ ,here ,e1re %o$ -(lnera*le an! (e $ha$ $o $heir
o,n a!-an$a#e0 An! $hro(#h i$ all/ ,e no$ onl' ha-e $o &ee+ a..e+$in#
$he%/ ,e ha-e $o &ee+ le$$in# the- &no, $ha$ ,e $ill a..e+$ $he%0
So%eho,/ in o$her ,or!/ ,e ha-e $o .o%%(ni.a$e $ha$ ,e lo-e
$he% e-en ,hen ,e1re no$ $hrille! ,i$h ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#0 Ho,e-er/
$he re.o%%en!a$ion $o %a&e $ha$ !i$in.$ion i o%e$i%e $oe!
aro(n! a li$$le $oo .a(all'0 The fa.$ i $ha$ i$1 of$en har! e-en for an
a!(l$/ %(.h le a .hil!/ $o %a&e ene of i$0 "We a..e+$ 'o(/ *($ no$
ho, 'o( a.$5 i +ar$i.(larl' (n+er(ai-e if -er' fe, of $he .hil!1
a.$ion fin! fa-or ,i$h (0 "Wha$ i $hi el(i-e R%e1 'o( .lai% $o lo-e/5
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
$he .hil! %a' ,on!er/ ",hen all I hear fro% 'o( i !ia++ro-al@5 A
Tho%a Gor!on +oin$e! o($/ "Paren$ ,ho fin! (na..e+$a*le a #rea$
%an' $hin# $ha$ $heir .hil!ren !o or a' ,ill ine-i$a*l' fo$er in $hee
.hil!ren a !ee+ feelin# $ha$ $he' are (na..e+$a*le a +eron05
C
Tha$
!oen1$ .han#e ;($ *e.a(e $he +aren$ re%e%*er $o a' oo$hin#l'/
"We lo-e you, hone'N ,e ;($ ha$e al%o$ e-er'$hin# 'o( !o05
A$ a %ini%(%/ i$1 ne.ear' $o realiMe $ha$ -er*al rea(ran.e are
no$ free +ae $o *e +(ni$i-e or o$her,ie .on$rollin#0 "Doin# $o5
in$er-en$ion are $ill *a! ne,/ an! $he'1re $ill li&el' $o .o%%(ni.a$e
.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e/ e-en if ,e +erio!i.all' ($$er o%e %a#i. ,or!0
What to 5ini-i=e
So/ ,ha$ are ,e (++oe! $o !o ,hen .hil!ren a.$ in ,a' $ha$ are
!i$(r*in# or ina++ro+ria$e@ E-en ,hen ,e !ia++ro-e of ,ha$
$he'1-e !one an! ,an$ $he% $o &no, i$/ o(r rea.$ion ho(l! $a&e
a..o(n$ of $he *i# +i.$(re)+e.ifi.all'/ $he i%+era$i-e $o %a&e
(re $he' feel lo-e!/ an! lo-a*le0 The #oal i $o a-oi! .roin#
o-er in$o .on!i$ional +aren$in#0 Here1 ho,0
LIMIT THE NUMBER OF YOUR 8RITI8ISMS0
Bi$e 'o(r $on#(e an! ,allo, a lo$ of 'o(r o*;e.$ion0 For one $hin#/
fre3(en$ ne#a$i-e re+one are .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e0 If &i! feel ,e1re
i%+oi*le $o +leae/ $he'1ll ;($ $o+ $r'in#0 Bein# ele.$i-e a*o($ ,ha$
,e o*;e.$ $o or for*i! %a&e $he "no5 .o(n$ for %ore on $hoe o..a6ion
,hen ,e reall' !o ha-e $o a' i$ 9+0 AEG:0 B($ $he %ain +oin$ i $ha$ $oo
%(.h .ri$i.i% an! !ia++ro-al %a' lea! a .hil! $o feel (n,or$h'0
LIMIT THE S8OPE OF EA8H 8RITI8ISM0
Fo.( on ,ha$1 ,ron# ,i$h $hi +e.ifi. a.$ion 9"Yo(r -oi.e o(n!e!
reall' (n&in! ;($ no, ,hen 'o( ,ere $al&in# $o 'o(r i$er5: ra$her
ADD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$han i%+l'in# $ha$ $here1 o%e$hin# ,ron# ,i$h $he .hil! 9"Yo(1re
o %ean $o +eo+le5:0
LIMIT THE INTENSITY OF EA8H 8RITI8ISM0
I$1 no$ ;($ ho, %an' $i%e 'o( rea.$ ne#a$i-el' $ha$ .o(n$/ *($ ho%
ne#a$i-el' 'o( rea.$ ea.h $i%e0 Be a #en$le a +oi*le ,hile %a&6in#
(re $he %ea#e #e$ a.ro0 A li$$le e%o$ion #oe a lon# ,a'N $he effe.$
of ,ha$ ,e a' i %a#nifie! *e.a(e of $he +o,er inheren$ in *ein# a
+aren$0 E-en ,hen &i! ee% $o $(ne ( o($/ $he' are a*or*6in# %ore of
o(r ne#a$i-e rea.$ion)an! are %ore !ee+l' affe.$e! *' $he%)$han
$he' le$ on0 In fa.$/ ,e %i#h$ en! (+ ha-in# %ore of an i%+a.$ +re.iel'
,hen o(r a++roa.h in1$ hea-'6han!e!0 Be a,are no$ onl' of ,ha$ 'o(1re
a'in# *($ alo of 'o(r *o!' lan#(a#e/ 'o(r fa.ial e2+reion/ 'o(r $one
of -oi.e0 An' of $hee .an .o%%(ni.a$e %ore !ia++ro-al/ an! le
(n.on!i$ional lo-e/ $han 'o( in$en!e!0
LOOK FOR ALTERNATIVES TO 8RITI8ISM0
I$ %a' %a&e ene no$ onl' $o $(rn !o,n $he -ol(%e/ o $o
+ea&/ *($ $o ,i$.h $o a !ifferen$ $a$ion0 When &i! are .arele
or h(r$f(l or o*no2io(/ $r' $o ee $hi a an o++or$(ni$' $o $ea.h0
In$ea! of "Wha$1 $he %a$$er ,i$h 'o(@ Di!n1$ I ;($ $ell 'o( no$ $o
!o $ha$@45)or/ for $ha$ %a$$er/ in$ea! of "I1% !ia++oin$e! in 'o(
,hen 'o( !o $ha$5)$r' hel+in# $he .hil! $o ee $he effe.$ of hi
a.$ion/ ho, i$ %i#h$ h(r$ o$her +eo+le1 feelin# or %a&e $heir li-e
%ore !if6fi.(l$0
E2+li.i$ ne#a$i-e e-al(a$ion %a' no$ *e ne.ear' if ,e i%+l' a'
,ha$ ,e ee 9"<ere%' loo&e! &in! of a! af$er 'o( ai! $ha$ $o hi%5: an!
a& 3(e$ion 9"The ne2$ $i%e 'o(1re feelin# fr($ra$e!/ ,ha$ !o 'o( $hin&
'o( .o(l! !o in$ea! of +(hin#@5:0 Thi !oen1$ #(aran$ee (..e/ of
.o(re/ *($ i$ %ar&e!l' i%+ro-e $he .han.e $ha$ a .hil! ,ill !e-elo+ a
.o%%i$%en$ $o a.$in# %ore reaona*l'0 The o!! i%+ro-e f(r$her if 'o(
in-i$e hi% $o $hin& a*o($ ,a' $o %a&e $hin#
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
*e$$er/ $o re$ore/ re+air/ re+la.e/ .lean (+/ or a+olo#iMe/ a $he
i$(a6$ion %a' !i.$a$e0
I$ %a' o(n! o*-io(/ *($ ,e o%e$i%e ee% $o for#e$ $ha$/ e-en ,hen
&i! !o ro$$en $hin#/ o(r #oal ho(l! no$ *e $o %a&e $he% feel *a!/ nor $o
$a%+ a +ar$i.(lar *eha-ior o($ of e2i$en.e0 Ra$her/ ,ha$ ,e ,an$ i $o
infl(en.e $he ,a' $he' $hin& an! feel/ $o hel+ $he% *e.o%e $he &in! of
+eo+le ,ho ,o(l!n1$ %ant $o a.$ .r(ell'0 An!/ of .o(re/ o(r o$her #oal i
$o a-oi! in;(rin# o(r rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $he% in $he +ro.e0
One -er' .on.re$e ,a' $o %a&e (re 'o(r in$er-en$ion !on1$ .o%6
%(ni.a$e .on!i$ional a..e+$an.e i $o $r' har! ne-er $o hol! a #r(!#e0
The e2hor$a$ion $o "*e $he +aren$45 ((all' i in$en!e! $o %ean $ha$
'o( ho(l! $a&e .on$rol/ +($ 'o(r foo$ !o,n0 B($ I (e $ha$ +hrae $o
%ean $ha$ 'o( ho(l! rie a*o-e $he $e%+$a$ion of a .hil!ih 3(i! +ro
3(o7 "Oh/ 'eah@ Well/ if 'o(1re no$ #oin# $o !o 'o(r .hore/ $hen I1%
no$ #oin# $o #i-e 'o( !eer$4 So $here45 Man' *oo& a.$(all' en.o(r6
a#e $hi or$ of +aren$al *eha-ior 9,i$ho($ $he "Oh/ 'eah@5 an! "So
$here45 of .o(re:0 On.e 'o( $hin& a*o($ i$/ i$1 +re$$' o*-io( ho,
(nhel+f(l $hi or$ of re+one reall' i0
I re%e%*er one !a' ,hen %' $,o6'ear6ol! on #o$ $ire! of ,ai$6
in# for hi i26'ear6ol! i$er $o finih ,i$h a $o' o he .o(l! +la' ,i$h
i$0 He a$$e%+$e! $o ,re$ i$ a,a' fro% her/ lea!in# her $o +ro$e$
an#ril'0 Af$er he ha! fen!e! hi% off an! ree$a*lihe! +oeion/
he anno(n.e!/ "No, I !on1$ ,an$ $o #i-e i$ $o hi% a$ all *e.a(e he
$rie! $o #ra* i$05 She ,a #oin# $o $ea.h hi% a leon/ an! le$ hi%
&no, $ha$ *e.a(e he !i! o%e$hin# ,ron# he ho(l! *e +(nihe! *'
ha-in# $o forfei$ hi $(rn0 The 3(e$ion i7 Do ,e ,an$ $o a.$ ,i$h o(r
.hil!ren a $ho(#h ,e/ $oo/ ,ere i2 'ear ol!@ An a,f(l lo$ of ,ha$
+ae for !i.i+line .oni$ of $i$6for6$a$ re+one $ha$ %erel' #i-e
( $he a$6ifa.$ion of #e$$in# e-en0
To *e $he +aren$ %ean 'o( ha-e .er$ain o*li#a$ion/ an! $he'1re
no$ al,a' ea' $o %ee$0 M' ,ife i al,a' re%in!in# %e/ e+e.iall'
,hen 'e$ ano$her !inner ,e %a!e for o(r .hil!ren lie (nea$en/ $ha$
ADF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
all ,e .an !o i +re+are n($ri$io( %eal 9$a&in# $heir +referen.e
in$o a..o(n$ ,hene-er +oi*le: an! $hen ho+e for $he *e$0 No$
onl' i $ha$ all ,e can !oN i$1 ,ha$ ,e have to &ee+ !oin#/ no
%a$$er ho, %an' of $hoe %eal en! (+ in $he #ar*a#e .an0
So i$ i ,i$h (n.on!i$ional lo-e0 Yo( &ee+ !oin# 'o(r *e$ $o +ro6
-i!e i$ e-en if 'o(r effor$ ee% (na++re.ia$e! an! (nre.i+ro.a$e!0
So%e$i%e &i! a.$ $o,ar! ( in a ,a' $ha$ a++ear re%ar&a*l' i%6
ilar $o lo-e ,i$h!ra,al0 The' %a' +i$ o($/ "Go a,a'45 or "I !on1$ lo-e
'o(45 ,hen $he' feel *e$ra'e! or $h,ar$e!/ e-en o-er o%e$hin# $ha$
ee% $ri-ial $o (0 B($ o(r ;o* i $o re%ain .al%/ $o a-oi! a.$in# $he
a%e ,a'/ an! $o (n!er$an! $hi for ,ha$ i$ i)a +ain# e2+re6
ion of fr($ra$ion0 The' ha-en1$ reall' $o++e! lo-in# (0 Poi#nan$l'/
e-en .hil!ren ,ho are a*(e! .on$in(e $o lo-e $heir a*(er0 We
%($ ne-er for#e$ $he la.& of '%%e$r' here0 Thi i no$ a rela$ionhi+
*e$,een $,o a!(l$ of e3(al +o,er0 E-en $he li#h$e$ in!i.a$ion $ha$
'o( are ,i$hhol!in# lo-e fro% 'o(r .hil! ha a far #rea$er i%+a.$ $han
a .rea%e! "I ha$e 'o(45 ha 9or o(#h$ $o ha-e: on 'o(0
What to 5axi-i=e
We nee! $o !o le of ,ha$e-er %i#h$ en! a %ea#e of .on!i$ional
a..e+$an.e/ *($ ,e alo ha-e $o !o %ore of ,ha$e-er .o(l! en! a
%e6a#e of (n.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e0 The fir$ 3(e$ion here i o
o*-io( $ha$ %an' of ( ne-er $o+ $o $hin& a*o($ i$7 Wha$ i %' %oo!
((6all' li&e ,hen I1% ,i$h %' &i!@ Of .o(re/ $hi in1$ a .on.ern for
$he &in! of +eo+le ,hoe (nn' %ile ne-er !i% no %a$$er ,ha$ $he
.ir6.(%$an.e0 The' .an +en! all !a' in a ho(e f(ll of noi'
.hil!ren an! $ill re+on! +a$ien$l' $o ea.h re3(e$/ (nr(ffle! *' an
en!le (.6.eion of !e%an!0 B($ ,ha$ a*o($ $he re$ of (/ ,ho
re#ar! (.h .hroni.all' ha++' +aren$ ,i$h a %i2$(re of en-' an!
in.re!(li$'@ We .an1$ ;($ ,ill o(rel-e $o *e.o%e %ore .heerf(l or
+a$ien$ +eo+le0 B($ ,e .an/ an! ,e ho(l!/ in-e$ $he effor$ $o *e a
+oi$i-e a +oi*le ,i$h o(r &i!0
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
Ra$her $han eein# !ifferen.e in $e%+era%en$ or $alen$ a
fi2e!) o%e +eo+le are *orn $hi ,a' ,hile o$her are ;($
na$(rall' $ha$ ,a')I $hin& i$1 %ore hel+f(l $o $hin& in $er% of ho,
%(.h effor$ ea.h of ( ha $o e2+en! $o #e$ $o $he a%e +la.e0 M'
*ro$her6in6la,1 +a$ial ene allo, hi% $o fin! hi ,a' aro(n!
+la.e he1 ne-er *een *efore/ ,i$ho($ e-en +a'in# a$$en$ion0 I/ on
$he o$her han!/ ha-e $o ,or& reall' har! $o #e$ %' *earin#0 So
$ha$1 e2a.$l' ,ha$ I !o ,hen I1% in an (nfa%iliar e$$in#0
The a%e %a' *e $r(e of e%o$ional $a$e7 Paren$ ,ho aren1$ na$6
(rall' (+*ea$ an! for#i-in# ha-e an o*li#a$ion $o $r' $o *e %ore $ha$ ,a'/
a$ lea$ aro(n! $heir .hil!ren0 The re(l$ of $heir effor$ .an hel+ $o
!e$er%ine ,he$her/ an! ho,/ $hoe .hil!ren feel lo-e!0 If o(r &i! &no,
$ha$ ,e1re #la! $o ee $he%/ $ha$1 a $ar$ $o,ar! .o%%(ni.a$6in#
o%e$hin# li&e (n.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e0 If/ on $he o$her han!/ $he' of$en
ene a ne#a$i-e ;(!#%en$ fro% ()a o(r %oo! 9,hi.h $he' %a'
in.orre.$l' a(%e i $heir fa(l$:N an e'e6rollin#/ !ee+6i#hin# irri$a$ion)
,ell/ $ha$ .an feel -er' unli&e (n.on!i$ional lo-e0
The %ore +rein# 3(e$ion/ of .o(re/ i ho, ,e .an
.o%%(ni6.a$e o(r lo-e af$er &i! &ee+ a.$in# (+ e-en ,hen ,e
$hin& $he' o(#h$ $o &no, *e$$er0 9We1-e .er$ainl' $ol! $he% eno(#h
$i%e4: Here i$1 .o%%on $o a(%e $ha$ $he'1re "$e$in# li%i$05
Thi i a -er' +o+(6lar +hrae in $he !i.i+line fiel! an! i$1 of$en
(e! a a ;($ifi.a$ion for +aren$ $o i%+oe %ore/ or $i#h$er/ li%i$0
So%e$i%e $he a(%+$ion $ha$ &i! are $e$in# ( e-en *e.o%e
a ra$ionaliMa$ion for +(nihin# $he%0 B($ %' (+i.ion i $ha$/ *'
%i*eha-in#/ .hil!ren %a' *e $e$6in# o%e$hin# ele en$irel')
na%el'/ $he (n.on!i$ionali$' of o(r lo-e0 Perha+ $he'1re a.$in# in
(na..e+$a*le ,a' $o ee if ,e1ll $o+ a..e+$6in# $he%0
O(r re+one ha $o *e a $(**orn ref(al $o $a&e $he *ai$0 We %($
rea(re $he%7 "No %a$$er ,ha$ 'o( !o/ no %a$$er ho, fr($ra$e! I #e$/ I
,ill ne-er/ ne-er/ ne-er $o+ lo-in# 'o(05 I$ !oen1$ h(r$ $o a' $ha$ in o
%an' ,or!/ *($ ,e ha-e $o a' i$ $hro(#h o(r a.$ion/ $oo0 Un.on!i$ional
+aren$ offer rea(ran.e on a re#(lar *ai/ an! +ar6$i.(larl' !(rin#
+erio! of .onfli.$/ a*o($ ho, %(.h $heir .hil!ren
ADJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
%a$$er $o $he%0 When a .hil! a.$ in ,a' $ha$ are le $han !eira*le/
(.h +aren$ %a' +oin$ o($ $ha$ $hi *eha-ior i $e%+orar' an! o($ of
.hara.$erN i$ !oen1$ reall' refle.$ $he .hil! $he' &no, an! lo-e0
9No$i.e/ *' $he ,a'/ $ha$ a re%in!er $o e%+haiMe $he (n.on!i$ional6i$'
of o(r affe.$ion i -er' !ifferen$ fro% $he %ore .on-en$ional a!-i.e $o
al$erna$e .ri$i.i% ,i$h +raie0 Poi$i-e ;(!#%en$ !on1$ .an.el o($
ne#a$i-e ;(!#%en$/ *e.a(e $he +ro*le% i ,i$h ;(!#%en$ i$elf0
More a*o($ $hi in a %o%en$0:
Thee re.o%%en!a$ion)li&e $he ,hole i!ea of (n.on!i$ional
a..e+$an.e)are rele-an$ $o e!(.a$or/ $oo0 Maril'n Wa$on/ an e!(6
.a$ional +'.holo#i$ ,ho hel+ $ea.her $ranfor% $heir .laroo%
in$o .arin# .o%%(ni$ie/ e%+haiMe ho, i%+or$an$ i$ i for $(!en$
$o feel $r($e! an! a..e+$e!0 A $ea.her .an %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ .er$ain
a.$ion are ,ron# ,hile $ill +ro-i!in# "a -er' !ee+ &in! of rea(r6
an.e)$he rea(ran.e $ha$ he $ill .are=> a*o($ $he% an! =i> no$
#oin# $o +(nih or !eer$ $he%/ e-en =if $he' !o> o%e$hin# -er' *a!05
Thi +o$(re allo, "$heir *e$ %o$i-e $o (rfa.e/5 $h( #i-in# "+a.e
an! (++or$ for $he% $o refle.$ an! $o a($ono%o(l' en#a#e in $he
%oral a.$ of re$i$($ion5)$ha$ i/ $o fi#(re o($ ho, $o %a&e $hin# ri#h$
af$er !oin# o%e$hin# ,ron#0 "If ,e ,an$ o(r $(!en$ $o $r($ $ha$ ,e
.are for $he%/5 he .on.l(!e/ "$hen ,e nee! $o !i+la' o(r affe.$ion
,i$ho($ !e%an!in# $ha$ $he' *eha-e or +erfor% in .er$ain ,a' in
re$(rn0 I$1 no$ $ha$ ,e !on1$ ,an$ an! e2+e.$ .er$ain *eha-6iorN ,e
!o0 B($ o(r .on.ern or affe.$ion !oe no$ !e+en! on i$05
Wa$on +oin$ o($ $ha$ i$1 eaier $o %ain$ain $hi $an.e/ e-en
,i$h &i! ,ho are fre3(en$l' in(l$in# or a##rei-e/ *' &ee+in# in
%in! %hy $he'1re a.$in# $ha$ ,a'0 The i!ea i for $he $ea.her $o
$hin& a*o($ ,ha$ $hee $(!en$ nee! 9e%o$ionall' +ea&in#: an!
+ro*a*l' ha-en1$ re.ei-e!0 Tha$ ,a'/ he .an ee "$he -(lnera*le
.hil! *ehin! $he *o$h6ero%e or %ena.in# e2$erior05
E
E!(.a$or/
li&e +aren$/ %a' .o%e $o -ie, +ro-o.a$ion a a ,a' for $ha$ .hil!
$o $e$ $he a!(l$ $o ee ,he$her hi or her .are ,ill *e ,i$h!ra,n0
One $ea.her !eal$ ,i$h a +ar$i.(larl' .hallen#in# $(!en$ *' i$$in#
!o,n ,i$h hi% an! a'in#/ "Yo( &no, ,ha$=@> I reall'/ reall' li&e 'o(0
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
Yo( .an &ee+ !oin# all $hi $(ff an! i$1 no$ #oin# $o .han#e %' %in!0
I$ ee% $o %e $ha$ 'o( are $r'in# $o #e$ %e $o !ili&e 'o(/ *($ i$1 no$
#oin# $o ,or&0 I1% no$ e-er #oin# $o !o $ha$05 Thi $ea.her a!!e!7 "I$
,a oon af$er $ha$/ an! I1% no$ a'in# i%%e!ia$el'/ $ha$ hi !ir(+6
$i-e *eha-ior $ar$e! $o !e.reae05
D
The %oral i $ha$ (n.on!i$ional
a..e+$an.e i no$ onl' o%e$hin# all .hil!ren !eer-e/ *($ alo a +o,6
erf(ll' effe.$i-e ,a' $o hel+ $he% *e.o%e ni.er +eo+le0 9Of .o(re/ i$1
i%+or$an$ $ha$ ,e1re in.ere ,hen ,e a(re .hil!ren $ha$ ,e lo-e
$he% no %a$$er ,ha$0 There1 no$hin# ,ore $han $he hollo, re.i$al of
a line learne! fro% a *oo&0:
Beyond Threats
I$1 no$ al,a' ea' $o $o+ !oin# $he $hin# $ha$ (*$l'/ an! of$en
(nin$en$ionall'/ #i-e .hil!ren $he i!ea $ha$ $he' ha-e $o earn o(r
a++ro-al0 Ironi.all'/ $ho(#h/ o%e +aren$ fin! i$ har!er $o #i-e (+
$he +ra.$i.e $ha$ are %ore hea-'6han!e!/ $hoe $ha$ .oni$ of
(in# $heir lo-e a le-era#e $o %a&e &i! o*e'0 A relian.e on
+(nih%en$ 9in.l(!6in# $i%e6o($ an! o$her for% of lo-e
,i$h!ra,al: an! re,ar! 9in.l(!6in# +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$: %a&e
i$ %(.h le li&el' $ha$ .hil!ren ,ill feel lo-e! (n.on!i$ionall'0
Ye$/ for all $he reaon o($line! in .ha+$er F/ i$ .an *e a,f(ll' har!
$o &i.& $hee ha*i$0 Li&e for%er %o&er ,ho %($ .on$an$l' re$rain
$he%el-e fro% li#h$in# (+ a#ain/ ,e1re al,a' (.e+$i*le $o $he +(ll
of .on!i$ional +aren$in# an! $he a++aren$ .on-enien.e of *ri*e an!
$hrea$0 E-en $he -ario( +re%ie of *eha-iori% $ha$ (n!erlie $hee
$e.hni3(e .an *e e!(.$i-e0 No, an! $hen I $ill fin! %'elf ,on6
!erin# ,he$her %' .hil!ren ,ill -ie, e2+reion of (n.on!i$ional lo-e
a a re,ar! for $heir %i*eha-ior0
I &no, *e$$er/ of .o(re0 A I1-e alrea!' in!i.a$e!/ %' o,n e2+eri6
en.e ha .onfir%e! ,ha$ I1! learne! fro% ,a$.hin# e2e%+lar' +aren$7
Punish-ents and re%ards are never advisable and never necessary.
Before .on.e!in# $hi/ ho,e-er/ %an' +eo+le are in.line! $o a&/
AGB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
"Wha$1 $he al$erna$i-e@5 S(.h a 3(e$ion i %ore .o%+li.a$e! $han i$
ee% *e.a(e $here in1$ one +ar$i.(lar +ra.$i.e $ha$ er-e a a
re+la.e6%en$ for +(nih%en$ an! re,ar!0 Wha$ I1% +ro+oin# i $he
.rea$ion of an en$irel' !ifferen$ !'na%i. *e$,een +aren$ an! .hil!0 The
"al$er6na$i-e/5 in o$her ,or!/ !oen1$ .oni$ of a +e.ifi. $e.hni3(eN i$
.on6i$ of e-er'$hin# !i.(e! in $he la$$er half of $hi *oo&0
Man' !i.i+line #(i!e/ a 'o( %a' ha-e no$i.e!/ offer (##e$ion
for ho, $o a!%ini$er +(nih%en$ an! re,ar! %ore effe.$i-el'/ $he #oal
*ein# $o %a&e .hil!ren *a.& !o,n an! #i-e in0 I ,a $hin&in# a*o($ $ha$
$he o$her !a' in $he (+er%ar&e$ ,hen I hear! a %o$her #ro,l a$ her
.hil!/ "If 'o( e-er ,an$ $o .o%e $o $he $ore a#ain/ cal- do%n#5 9Nee!le
$o a'/ her o,n $one ,a an'$hin# *($ .al%0: I$ o..(rre! $o %e $ha$ $he
$'+i.al !i.i+line e2+er$ ,o(l! +oin$ o($/ ,i$h o%e ;($ifi.a$ion/ $ha$ $hi
$hrea$ ,a ill'0 For one $hin#/ $he +ro+e.$ of no$ *ein# !ra##e! $o $he
#ro.er' $ore a#ain i no$ e2a.$l' horrif'in# $o %o$ &i!0 An! e-en if i$
,ere/ $here1 -ir$(all' no .han.e $ha$ $he %o$her ,o(l! follo, $hro(#h an!
*an $he .hil! fro% $he $ore fore-er0 Par$i.(larl' ,i$h &i! $oo 'o(n# $o *e
lef$ ho%e alone/ o%e$i%e 'o( ha-e $o $a&e $he% alon# ,he$her 'o(
,an$ $o or no$0 Hen.e $he ,or! fro% $he e2+er$7 Ma&e onl' $hoe $hrea$
'o(1ll a.$(all' .arr' o($0
B($ $ellin# +aren$ $hi i ra$her li&e ,arnin# .hil!ren $ha$ $he'
ho(l!n1$ anno(n.e $he'1re #oin# $o *ea$ (+ a .la%a$e af$er
.hool (nle $he'1re .onfi!en$ $he'1ll .o%e o($ on $o+0 The fo.(/
in o$her ,or!/ i on #e$$in# *e$$er a$ !oin# o%e$hin# %orall'
o*;e.$iona*le 9an! .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e: ra$her $han on 3(e$ionin#
,he$her i$ ho(l! *e !one a$ all0 Un.on!i$ional +aren$ ,an$ $o
&no, ho, $o !o o%e6$hin# other $han $hrea$en an! +(nih0 The'
!on1$ ee $heir rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $heir .hil!ren a a!-erarial/ o
$heir #oal i $o avoid *a$$le/ no$ ,in $he%0 The (e of +(nih%en$
%a&e i$ %(.h har!er $o a.hie-e $hi #oal/ an! *ein# $ol! ho, $o
+(nih %ore effe.$i-el' %a&e i$ har!er $o (n!er$an! $ha$0
8oni!er $he $'+e of +(nih%en$ $ha$ 3(alif' a lo-e ,i$h!ra,al0 To
i#nore a .hil! ,hen he !oe o%e$hin# ina++ro+ria$e/ $o #i-e hi% $he
ilen$ $rea$%en$/ i $o e%+lo' a &in! of $e%+orar' e%o$ional a*an!on6
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
%en$0 I$1 a if ,e1re o*li$era$in# $he .hil!1 -er' e2i$en.e for a lon# a
he !i+leae (0 Thi a(%e/ in $he ((al *eha-iori$ fahion/ $ha$ o(r
a$$en$ion i ;($ a "reinfor.er5 an! i$ a*en.e ,ill %a&e a .hil! $o+
,ha$e-er he1 !oin#0 Thi i an in.re!i*l' i%+li$i. anal'i of ,h' &i!
a.$ $he ,a' $he' !o/ an! i$ fail $o a!!re $he (n!erl'in# nee! $ha$ are
in-ol-e!/ $o a' no$hin# of $he effe.$ on o(r rela$ionhi+0
The la$e +'.holo#i$ Her*er$ Lo-e$$ on.e o*er-e! $ha$ if ,e
i#nore .hil!ren ,hen $he' %i*eha-e/ ,ha$ ,e1re a'in# $o $he% i7
"We !on1$ &no, ,h' 'o( !o $hi an! ,e !on1$ .are05 To ;($if' (.h a
re+one *' ini$in# $ha$ .hil!ren ,ho a.$ o($ are ;($ !oin# i$ "for $he
a$$en$ion/5 Lo-e$$ a!!e!/ ee% $o i%+l' $ha$ ",an$in# $o *e no$i.e!
=i> a %'$erio( or $(+i! nee!05 I$1 a $ho(#h o%eone ri!i.(le! 'o(
for #oin# o($ $o !inner ,i$h 'o(r frien!/ e2+lainin# $ha$ 'o( !o $hi
;($ *e.a(e of 'o(r "nee! for .o%+anionhi+05
G
There are $i%e/ $o *e (re/ ,hen a .hil! %a' re+ea$ a !e%an! o-er
an! o-er0 Yo( e2+lain ,h' he .an1$ ha-e a *ro,nie ri#h$ *efore !in6nerN
'o( %ile '%+a$he$i.all' an! a#ree $ha$ i$1 har! $o rei$ o%e6$hin# o
'(%%'0 She a& a#ain/ an! a#ain 'o( e2+lain $he reaon for a'in# no0
Wi$h $he (%+$een$h anno(n.e%en$ of $he ne, $ha$ he reall'/ reall'
,an$ a *ro,nie ri#h$ no,/ 'o( .an feel 'o(r +a$ien.e e**in#0 Yo( +oin$
o($ .al%l' $ha$ a&in# ano$her $i%e in1$ #oin# $o ,or&/ an! 'o( (##e$
an in$ere$in# a.$i-i$' $ha$ ,ill o..(+' her (n$il !inner0 B($ if $here i $ill
no en! in i#h$ $o *ro,nie6rela$e! re3(e$/ I $hin& i$1 a++ro+ria$e $o $o+
re+on!in#0 The reaon/ ho,e-er/ i no$ $o ilen.e $he .hil! 9or
"e2$in#(ih $he *eha-ior/5 in $he o(lle lan6#(a#e of *eha-iori$:0
Ra$her/ 'o(1-e $o++e! an,erin# i%+l' *e.a(e $here1 no$ %(.h %ore
for 'o( $o a'0 An! 'o( !o i$ a lo-6in#l' a 'o( .an/ #i-en $ha$ 'o(1re
*(' an! fe! (+0 Yo( !on1$ +re$en! he in1$ $hereN 'o( %a&e i$ .lear $ha$
'o( hear/ 'o( no$i.e/ 'o( .are0 The .hil! %a' $ill feel fr($ra$e!/ *($
i!eall' he ,on1$ feel (nlo-e!0
Or $a&e $he o$her +o+(lar for% of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al/ $he one .alle! $i%e6
o($0 The +oin$ in1$ $o fine6$(ne i$ or !o i$ %ore .le-erl'N $he 3(e6$ion in1$
ho, lon# $o iola$e $he .hil!/ or ,here/ or for ,ha$ offene0 Ra$her/ $he
i(e i ,ha$ non+(ni$i-e $ra$e#ie ,e .an (e in$ea!0 A
AGC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
I %en$ione! earlier/ i$ .an *e -er' hel+f(l $o offer a .hil! $he choice
of re$rea$in# $o a .o%for$a*le an! .o%for$in# +la.e ,hen he1
#oin# *erer&0 Thi o+$ion ho(l! *e !i.(e! in a!-an.e/ in +ar$
$o %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ $he .hil! i no$ *ein# in.ar.era$e! or iola$e!
a#ain$ hi ,ill0 He1 ;($ !e.i!in# $o $a&e a *rea$h in a 3(ie$ roo%/
%a'*e -en$ a li$$le ,i$ho($ fear of re+er.(ion/ %a'*e +en! a
fe, %in($e ,i$h a fa-ori$e *oo&0 A$ a $i%e of .rii/ $he +aren$ .an
#en$l' a& hi% if he nee! $o !o $hi0 B($ e-en $hi (##e$ion
+ro*a*l' ho(l! *e o(r e.on! $e+/ $he fir$ ha-in# *een $o a&
,ha$1 #oin# on/ $o re%in! hi% $ha$ ,ha$ he !oe ha an i%+a.$ on
o$her +eo+le/ $o e2+lain ,h' o%e ,a' of a.$in# ;($ aren1$
a..e+$a*le/ $o +ro*le%6ol-e $o#e$her/ an! o on0
An! ,ha$ if .ir.(%$an.e %a&e (.h a !i.(ion i%+oi*le a$ $he
%o%en$@ Or ,ha$ if he1 in (.h an a#i$a$e! $a$e $ha$ he i%+l' .an1$ *e
allo,e! $o $a' ,here he i/ *($ he ref(e 'o(r in-i$a$ion $o $a&e o%e
$i%e *' hi%elf@ In $ha$ .ae/ $he la$ reor$ i $o #en$l' re%o-e hi% fro%
$he i$(a$ion an! $he +la.e ,here $he +ro*le% i ha++enin#) but not
)ro- you. 9"Le$1 #o n(##le in $he !en05: S(.h an in$er-en6$ion %a'
a%o(n$ $o i%+oin# 'o(r ,ill on hi%/ %a&in# hi% !o o%e$hin# he1!
ra$her no$ !o0 Tha$1 ,h' 'o( ho(l! a-oi! $hi e2.e+$ in e2$raor!inar'
.ae0 B($ e-en here 'o( $a&e .are $o !o i$ in (.h a ,a' $ha$ 'o(r lo-e/
'o(r a$$en$ion/ 'o(r +reen.e are no$ ,i$hhel!0
I ho(l! alo +oin$ o($ $ha$ $here1 no$hin# ,ron# ,i$h $he parent0s
$a&in# a $i%e6o($0 When ,e1-e r(n o($ of +a$ien.e/ ,hen ,e fear $ha$ ,e
%a' !o or a' o%e$hin# $ha$ ,e1ll re#re$/ i$ %a&e ene $o e2.(e
o(rel-e an! #o .ool off0 Of .o(re/ ,e ha-e $o %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ $hi i
*e.a(e %e nee! $o .al% !o,n/ no$ *e.a(e ,e1re +(llin# a,a' fro% $he
.hil! or re3(irin# her $o earn her ,a' *a.& in$o o(r #oo! #ra.e0
Beyond Bribes
Wha$ a*o($ $he o$her -erion of .on!i$ional +aren$in#/ ,hi.h .oni$
of #i-in# .hil!ren ,ha$ $he' nee! 9or i%+l' en;o': onl' ,hen $he'1-e
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
o*e'e! or +leae! (@ The al$erna$i-e i $o #i-e $he% $hin# for no
rea6on a$ all/ no, an! $hen $o offer a +e.ial $rea$ or #if$)$he .han.e
$o !o o%e$hin# f(n/ a *oo& or $o' of +e.ial in$ere$)i%+l' *e.a(e
'o( lo-e $he%0 In fa.$/ i$1 ra$her !i.on.er$in# $o realiMe ho, unlov-
ing i$ .an *e $o #i-e &i! $hin# a a re,ar! for !oin# ,ha$ ,e ,an$e!0
We .an %a&e onl' o %an' $hin# .on!i$ional on a .hil!1 *eha-ior
*efore o(r lo-e i$elf .o%e $o *e een a .on!i$ional0
Of .o(re/ +reen$ are o%e$i%e offere! for reaon $ha$ are
le $han i!eal0 So%e +aren$/ for e2a%+le/ *(' $hin# for $heir
&i! *e.a(e $he' feel #(il$' a*o($ no$ +en!in# eno(#h $i%e ,i$h
$he%0 An! #if$6#i-in# .an *e o-er!one0 We !on1$ ,an$ $o ho,er
.hil!ren ,i$h $(ff/ +ar$i.(larl' ,hen $heir roo% are alrea!'
.ra%%e! nearl' $o $he +oin$ of *(r$in#0
F
B($ %' +oin$ here i $ha$ ,hen ,e !o #i-e $he% $hin#/ $here ho(l!
*e no $rin# a$$a.he!0 Preen$ ho(l! ne-er *e offere! a an in.en$i-e
for *eha-in# ,ell/ #e$$in# #oo! #ra!e/ or !oin# an'$hin# ele0 On.e I
*o(#h$ $i.&e$ for a lo.al .hil!ren1 $hea$er +ro!(.$ion of The Wi=ard o)
<=, ,hi.h %' !a(#h$er ,a ,il! a*o($0 The !a' *efore $he ho,/ he
$hre, a $e%+er $an$r(% a*o($ o%e$hin# an! I ha! $o fi#h$ !o,n $he
i%+(le $o $hrea$en her ,i$h no$ #oin# $o ee $he +la' (nle her *eha-ior
i%+ro-e!0 I re%in!e! %'elf $ha$ *' #i-in# in $o (.h a $e%+6$a$ion/ I
,o(l! *e (in# $he o($in# a an in$r(%en$ of .on$rol ra$her $han a an
e2+reion of lo-e0 We .an1$ ha-e i$ *o$h ,a'0
While i$ %a' *e +oi*le $o +oil &i! ,i$h $oo %an' $hin#/ i$
in1$ +oi*le $o +oil $he% ,i$h $oo %(.h 9(n.on!i$ional: lo-e0 A
one ,ri$er +($ i$/ $he +ro*le% ,i$h .hil!ren ,ho% ,e ,o(l!
!e.ri*e a +oile! i $ha$ $he' "#e$ $oo %(.h of ,ha$ $he' ,an$
an! $oo li$$le of ,ha$ $he' nee!05
H
Therefore/ #i-e $he% affe.$ion
9,hi.h $he' nee!: ,i$ho($ li%i$/ ,i$ho($ reer-a$ion/ an! ,i$ho($
e2.(e0 Pa' a %(.h a$$en$ion $o $he% a 'o( .an/ re#ar!le of
%oo! or .ir.(%$an.e0 Le$ $he% &no, 'o(1re !eli#h$e! $o *e ,i$h
$he%/ $ha$ 'o( .are a*o($ $he% no %a$$er ,ha$ ha++en0 Thi
*ai. +o$(re/ a I1-e no$e!/ i .o%6+le$el' !ifferen$ fro% +raie/
,hi.h i !ole! o($ a a re+one $o o%e6$hin# a .hil! !oe0
AGD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
Thi !oen1$ %ean $ha$ $he feelin# o(r .hil!ren e-o&e in (
%($ re%ain +erfe.$l' $ea!' an! (nifor%0 Ho, .o(l! $he'@ Ki!
!eli#h$ ( an! enra#e ( an! +er+le2 (0 The' *rin# $ear $o o(r
e'e ;($ *e.a(e $he'1re o a!ora*le or -(lnera*le or (!!enl' o
#ro,n6(+0 The' alo %a&e ( .r' *e.a(e $he'1re o inf(ria$in#0
We %a' e-en fin! o(rel-e e2+erien.in# $,o .on$ra!i.$or'
e%o$ion a*o($ $he% a$ $he a%e $i%e0 An! %(.h of ,ha$ ,e feel
,ill lea& o($ of o(r fa.e an! o(r -oi.e0 We ,on1$ al,a' *e
+leae!/ an! $he'1ll &no, i$0 Tha$1 ,h' i$1 o i%+or$an$ for ( $o
$ri-e $o .o%%(ni.a$e in %an' !ifferen$ ,a' $ha$ our basic
acceptance o) the- is a given, a ro.&6oli! .ore *enea$h ,ha$e-er
,e ha++en $o *e feelin#/ an! $he' ha+6+en $o *e !oin#/ $o!a'0
Li&e,ie/ I1% no$ a'in# 'o( .an1$ *e +ro(! of a +ar$i.(lar
a..o%6+lih%en$0 S$ran#el'/ $ho(#h/ (n.on!i$ional +aren$ are ;($
a +ro(! e-en ,hen $heir .hil! !oen1$ (..ee!0 Thi i a +ara!o2
I ha! $ro(6*le (n!er$an!in# *efore I ha! .hil!ren of %' o,n/ an!
,hi.h I $ill fin! !iffi.(l$ $o e2+lain0 Yo( .an $a&e +e.ial !eli#h$
,hen 'o(r .hil! !oe o%e$hin# re%ar&a*le/ *($/ a#ain/ no$ in a
,a' $ha$ (##e$ 'o(r lo-e hin#e on (.h e-en$0 If 'o( $ri&e
$ha$ *alan.e .orre.$l'/ .hil6!ren are le li&el' $o #ro, (+ feelin#
$he'1re ,or$h,hile onl' ,hen $he' (..ee!0 The'1ll *e a*le $o fail
,i$ho($ .on.l(!in# $ha$ $he' $he%6el-e are fail(re0
The %o$ !e$r(.$i-e for% of +raie i $he &in! e2+li.i$l' in$en!e!
$o reinfor.e ,ha$ $he .hil! i !oin#0 When ,e1re a!-ie! $o ".a$.h
.hil6!ren *ein# #oo!5 9rea!7 o*e!ien$: an! $hen #i-e $he% a -er*al
!o##ie *i.(i$/ $hi i a .al.(la$e! a$$e%+$ $o %ani+(la$e $he% ,i$h
.on!i6$ional lo-e0 B($ ,ha$ if +raie i ;($ a +on$aneo( rea.$ion
of !eli#h$ $o o%e$hin# o(r .hil!ren ha-e !one/ ,i$h no a$$e%+$ $o
"reinfor.e5 a .er$ain *eha-ior@
J
Thi i (n!enia*l' a *i# i%+ro-e%en$ ,i$h re+e.$ $o o(r %o$i-e0
B($ on.e a#ain/ ,ha$ %a$$er in1$ $he %ea#e 'o( en$)or e-en $he
reaon 'o( en$ i$0 Wha$ %a$$er i $he %ea#e $he .hil! re.ei-e!0
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
Wha$1 %o$ $ri&in# a*o($ a +oi$i-e ;(!#%en$ i no$ $ha$ i$1 +oi6$i-e0
9If $ha$ ,ere $he .ae/ $he onl' real al$erna$i-e $o +raie ,o(l! *e
.ri$i.i%0: No/ ,ha$1 %o$ $ri&in# i $ha$ i$1 a ;(!#%en$0 Wh' !o ,e
feel $he nee! $o &ee+ e-al(a$in# o(r .hil!ren1 a.$ion/ $(rnin# $he%
in$o ";o*5 $ha$ %a'/ if $he'1re l(.&'/ *e !ee%e! "#oo!5@ Fro% $hi
+er+e.$i-e/ i$ *e.o%e .lear $ha$ ,ha$ ,e reall' o(#h$ $o *e loo&in#
for i a ,a' of *ein# +oi$i-e $ha$ in1$ .o(.he! a a ;(!#%en$0
The ha++' ne, i $ha$ i$1 no$ ne.ear' $o e-al(a$e &i! in or!er
$o en.o(ra#e $he%0 The +o+(lari$' of +raie re$ +ar$l' on $he fail(re
$o !i$in#(ih *e$,een $hoe $,o i!ea0 <($ +a'in# a$$en$ion $o ,ha$
&i! are !oin# an! ho,in# in$ere$ in $heir a.$i-i$ie i a for% of
en.o(ra#e%en$0 In fa.$/ i$1 %ore i%+or$an$ $han ,ha$ ,e a' i%%e6
!ia$el' af$er &i! !o o%e$hin# %ar-elo(0 When unconditional love
and genuine enthusias- are al%ays present, 6*ood ;ob#8 isn0t neces-
sary1 %hen they0re absent, 6*ood ;ob#8 %on0t help.
B($ in .ae 'o(1re $ill ,on!erin# ,ha$ $o a'/ $here are e-eral
+o6i*ili$ie .oni$en$ ,i$h (n.on!i$ional +aren$in#0 9Pleae ee $he
.har$ on +0 AGH for e2a%+le0: One o+$ion i $o a' no$hin# a$ all0
So%e +eo6+le ini$ ,e %($ +raie .hil!ren ,hen $he' !o o%e$hin#
hel+f(l *e.a(e/ e.re$l' or (n.on.io(l'/ $hee +eo+le *elie-e $ha$
$he a.$ion ,a a fl(&e0 If .hil!ren are *ai.all' *a!/ $hen $he' ha-e $o
*e #i-en an ar$ifi.ial reaon $o *e ni.e 9na%el'/ $o #e$ a -er*al
re,ar!:N o$her6,ie i$ ,ill ne-er ha++en a#ain0 B($ if $ha$ .'ni.al
a(%+$ion i (nfo(n!e!/ $hen +raie ,o(l! no$ *e ne.ear'0
A$ fir$/ i$ .an feel ,eir! $o hol! *a.& ,hen 'o(1re (e! $o offer6
in# $hee .on$an$ e-al(a$ion0 9"Goo! !ra,in#45 "Goo! !rin&in#45
"Goo! !roolin#45: I$ %a' ee% a $ho(#h 'o(1re *ein# (n(++or$6
i-e0 B($ fro% o*er-in# %an' +aren$/ in.l(!in# %'elf/ I1-e
*e.o%e .on-in.e! $ha$ +raie i le a f(n.$ion of ,ha$ &i! nee!
$o hear $han of ,ha$ ,e nee! $o a'0 An! ,hene-er $ha$1 $r(e/ i$1
$i%e for ( $o re$hin& ,ha$ ,e1-e *een !oin#0
On $hoe o..aion ,hen ,e feel i$ ,o(l! *e a++ro+ria$e $o a'
o%e$hin#/ ,e .an i%+l' +oin$ o($ ,ha$ ,e1-e een an! allo, $he
.hil! $o !e.i!e ho, $o feel a*o($ i$ 9ra$her $han $ellin# her ho,:0 A
AGF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
i%+le/ e-al(a$ion6free $a$e%en$ le$ a .hil! &no, $ha$ 'o( no$i.e!0 I$
alo le$ her $a&e +ri!e in ,ha$ he !i!0 When/ in her e.on! 'ear/ %'
!a(#h$er finall' %a!e i$ (+ $he $air (n!er her o,n $ea%/ I ,a
$hrille!/ of .o(re/ *($ I !i!n1$ feel $he nee! $o (*;e.$ her $o %' ;(!#6
%en$0 I ;($ ai!/ "Yo( !i! i$5 o he ,o(l! &no, $ha$ I a, an! I
.are!/ *($ alo o he .o(l! feel +ro(! of herelf0
A$ o$her $i%e/ a %ore ela*ora$e !e.ri+$ion %a' %a&e ene/ *($
e-en $hi nee! no$ *e .on$a%ina$e! ,i$h e-al(a$ion0 Yo( .an i%+l'
+ro-i!e fee!*a.& a*o($ ,ha$ 'o( o*er-e!0 If a .hil! !oe o%e$hin#
.arin# or #enero(/ 'o( %i#h$ #en$l' !ra, hi a$$en$ion $o $he effe.$ of
hi a.$ion on the other person. Thi i .o%+le$el' !ifferen$ fro% +raie/
,here $he e%+hai i on ho, you feel a*o($ hi harin#0
Finall'/ e-en *e$$er $han !e.ri+$ion are 3(e$ion0 Wh' $ell hi%
,ha$ 'o( $ho(#h$ of ,ha$ he !i! ,hen 'o( .an a& hi% ,ha$ he
$hin&@ Tha$1 li&el' $o +ro%o$e (ef(l refle.$ion a*o($ ,h' i$ %a' *e
*e$$er $o a.$ one ,a' $han ano$her0 U(e$ion 'o( a& a*o($ o%e6
$hin# he ,ro$e or !re, or %a!e/ %ean,hile/ in-i$e hi% $o .oni!er
,ha$ he (..ee!e! in !oin# an! ho, he !i! i$0 Thi .an +(r f(r$her
i%+ro-e%en$ an! no(rih hi in$ere$ in $he $a& i$elf0 The reear.h/
re%e%*er/ (##e$ $ha$ +raie %a' ha-e e2a.$l' $he o++oi$e effe.$/
!ire.$in# hi a$$en$ion a,a' fro% $he $a& an! $o,ar! 'o(r rea.$ion0
Re.en$l'/ I fo(n! %'elf a$ a .raf$ a.$i-i$' +onore! *' a lo.al
li*rar' in ,hi.h .hil!ren ,ere in-i$e! $o .rea$e no,fla&e o($ of +i+e
.leaner an! *ea!0 A *o' of a*o($ fo(r or fi-e i$$in# near %e
ho,e! hi %o$her ,ha$ he ha! !one/ an! i%%e!ia$el' he #(he!
a*o($ ho, ,on!erf(l i$ ,a0 Then/ in.e I ,a $he onl' o$her a!(l$ a$
$he $a*le/ he hel! hi no,fla&e o($ o I/ $oo/ .o(l! ee i$ .learl'0
In$ea! of offer6in# an e-al(a$ion/ I a&e! hi% ,he$her he li&e! i$0 "No$
o %(.h/5 he a!%i$$e!0 I a&e! ,h'/ an! he *e#an $o e2+lain/ hi $one
(##e$in# #en(ine in$ere$ in fi#(rin# o($ o$her +oi*le ,a' he
%i#h$ ha-e (e! $he %a$erial0 Thi i e2a.$l' $he or$ of ela*ora$ion
an! refle.$ion $ha$ are $ifle! ,hen ,e la$her o(r &i! ,i$h +raie0
The' $en! $o $o+ $hin&in# an! $al&in# a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1-e !one a
oon a ,e +a ;(!#6%en$ on i$0
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D AGH
"7&TE!D <4 &!2"7* . . . T,2 . . .
"I li&e $he ,a' 'o( 0 0 05 saying nothing 9an! ;($ +a'in# a$$en$ion:
"Goo! !ra,in#4 I lo-e $hoe descriing! rather than evaluating!
+i.$(re45 what you see" "He'/ $here1 o%e$hin#
ne, on $he fee$ of $hoe +eo+le 'o( ;($
!re,0 The'1-e #o$ $oe05
"Yo(1re (.h a #rea$ hel+er45 e#$laining the effects of the child%s
action on other $eo$le" "Yo( e$ $he
$a*le4 Bo'/ $ha$ %a&e $hin# a lo$ eaier
on %e ,hile I1% .oo&in#05
"Tha$ ,a a #rea$ ea' 'o( inviting reflection" "Ho, !i! 'o( .o%e
,ro$e05 (+ ,i$h $ha$ ,a' of #ra**in# $he rea!er1
a$$en$ion ri#h$ a$ $he *e#innin#@5
"Goo! harin#/ Mi.hael05 as&ing! rather than 'udging" "Wha$ %a!e
'o( !e.i!e $o #i-e o%e of 'o(r *ro,nie
$o Deir!re ,hen 'o( !i!n1$ ha-e $o@5
All of $he (##e$e! re+one in $hi .har$ a-oi! #i-in# a %ea#e of
.on!i$ional a++ro-al/ a +a$roniMin# +a$ on $he hea! for ha-in# li-e! (+
$o your $an!ar! an! %e$ your e2+e.$a$ion0 A$ $he a%e $i%e/ $he'
!o offer $he a.&no,le!#%en$/ en.o(ra#e%en$/ an! a$$en$ion &i!
nee!0 9Sa'in# no$hin# !oen1$/ in i$elf/ a..o%+lih $hee #oal/ of
.o(re/ *($ i!eall' ,e1re +ro-i!in# $hoe $hin# all $he $i%e0:
Here1 a $ra$e#' a*o($ ,hi.h I ha-e %i2e! feelin#7 If o(r #oal i
+e.ifi.all' $o hel+ .hil!ren *e.o%e #enero( +eo+le/ one reear.her
+ro6+oe $ha$ ,e a$$ri*($e #enero( in.lina$ion $o $he%0 Ho, ,e $hin&
of o(rel-e affe.$ ho, ,e a.$/ o $he i!ea i $o .on-in.e &i! $ha$ $heir
%o$i-e alrea!' are #enero(0 We ,an$ $he% $o ee $he%el-e a .ar6
in# in!i-i!(al ra$her $han a +eo+le ,ho !o ni.e $hin# onl' ,hen $he'1ll
#e$ o%e$hin# o($ of i$0 One $(!' ho,e! $ha$ af$er .hil!ren i%i6$a$e! an
a!(l$ ,ho ha! a.$e! #enero(l'/ $hoe ,ho ,ere infor%e! $ha$ $he' ha!
!one o "*e.a(e 'o(1re $he &in! of +eron ,ho li&e $o hel+
AGJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
o$her +eo+le5 ,ere %ore #enero( la$er on $han ,ere .hil!ren ,ho
,ere $ol! $he' ha! !ona$e! *e.a(e $he' ,ere e2+e.$e! $o !o o0
I
While $hi $ra$e#' i (n!o(*$e!l' %ore effe.$i-e $han %ere +oi6
$i-e reinfor.e%en$/ I1% no$ (re i$1 an' le %ani+(la$i-e0 We1re no$
re+on!in# a($hen$i.all' an! +on$aneo(l' $o ,ha$ a .hil! ha !oneN
,e1re !eli*era$el' a'in# o%e$hin# 9,hi.h %a' or %a' no$ *e $r(e: $o
+ro!(.e a !eire! effe.$0 S$ill/ $he #eneral +rin.i+le here ee% ,or$h
$a&in# erio(l'7 Ra$her $han (in# +raie/ ,hi.h fo.(e on +e.ifi.
*eha-ior)an! %a' lea! .hil!ren $o feel $ha$ $he' are lo-e! onl'
(n!er .er$ain .on!i$ion),e nee! $o hel+ $he% $hin& a*o($ $he ,a'
$he' are an! $he ,a' $he' ,an$ $o *e0
I1% of$en a&e! ,he$her all of $hi %ean $ha$ ,e1re no$ (++oe!
$o #i-e .o%+li%en$ or a' $han& 'o(0 M' re+one i $ha$ i$
!e+en! on $hree $hin#7 ,h' ,e1re a'in# i$/ $o ,ho% ,e1re
a'in# i$/ an! ,ha$ $he effe.$ are of a'in# i$0
(hy" I (.h a .o%%en$ in$en!e! %o$l' $o *e ni.e/ $o %a&e
o%eone feel #oo! 9"Wha$ a .($e hir$45 "I reall' a++re.ia$e 'o(r
.o%in# $o -ii$5:@ Or i i$ ;($ a !ifferen$ ,a' of offerin# .on$in#en$
reinfor.e%en$ in or!er $o .on$rol o%eone1 f($(re *eha-ior@ If $he
la$$er/ $hen re.a$in# +raie a an e2+reion of #ra$i$(!e !oen1$
reall' .han#e -er' %(.h0
To whom" I1% %(.h le .on.erne! a*o($ $han&6'o( an! e-en
.o%%en$ $ha$ o(n! -er' %(.h li&e +raie ,hen $he' +a *e$,een
$,o a!(l$ of e3(al $a$(/ e+e.iall' if nei$her i e+e.iall' !e+en!6
en$ on $he o$her for lo-e an! a..e+$an.e0 If I $han& %' nei#h*or for
loanin# %e her .ar or $ell a fello, a($hor ho, %(.h I en;o'e! hi
*oo&/ I1% no$ $r'in# $o %ani+(la$e $hee in!i-i!(al/ an! I1! *e (nli&el'
$o (..ee! e-en if $ha$ ,ere %' #oal0 Nor i $here an' .on6.ern $ha$
$he (n.on!i$ionali$' of %' lo-e for $he% ,ill *e .o%+ro6%ie! *e.a(e
,e !on1$ ha-e $ha$ &in! of rela$ionhi+ $o *e#in ,i$h0 We nee! $o *e a
lo$ %ore .aref(l ,i$h ,ha$ ,e a' 9an! ho,/ an! ,h': ,hen ,e1re
$al&in# $o o(r .hil!ren0
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
(hat effects" There are lo$ of #ra' area in $he .ae of +raie/
%an' e2a%+le ,here i$1 no$ a*ol($el' .lear ,he$her a #i-en .o%6
%en$ i li&el' $o *e in;(rio( or inno.(o(0 M' *e$ a!-i.e here i $o
,a$.h for $he i%+a.$ i$ ha0 If 'o(1re in $he ha*i$ of a'in# o%e$hin#
$o 'o(r .hil!ren $ha$ .o(l! *e .on$r(e! a +raie/ ee if $he' $hen
loo& $o 'o( for)an! ee% $o nee!)(.h .o%%en$ on a re#(lar
*ai0 Tr' $o fi#(re o($ ,he$her $heir in$rini. %o$i-a$ion 9$heir .o%6
%i$%en$ $o an a.$ion or $heir in$ere$ in a #i-en a.$i-i$': ee% $o ha-e
leene! a a re(l$ of $hee &in! of $a$e%en$ fro% 'o(0
In hor$/ I1% no$ (##e$in# $ha$ ,e $o+ a'in# +oi$i-e $hin# $o
o(r .hil!ren0 B($ I a% a'in# $ha$ ,e ho(l! loo& a$ $he (n!erl'in#
i#nifi.an.e of ,ha$ ,e a'/ an! ho, i$1 hear!/ ra$her $han ;($ $r'6in#
$o (e or a-oi! +e.ifi. ,or!0 If .hil!ren +er.ei-e $ha$ ,e1re i%6+l'
;oinin# ,i$h $he% $o .ele*ra$e $heir a..o%+lih%en$/ $ha$1 fine0 B($ if
$he' +er.ei-e $ha$ ,e1re i%+oin# o(r e-al(a$ion on $he%/ $hi .an
eail' .ro,! o($ $heir o,n in$in.$ a*o($ ,hen an! ,h' $o feel +ro(!
of $he%el-e0 Pre$$' oon $he' %a' .o%e $o !efine $he -al(e of ,ha$
$he' !o in $er% of ,he$her i$ eli.i$ o(r a++ro-al)or/ la$er/ $he
a++ro-al of o$her +eo+le in a($hori$'0
I$1 no$ ea' $o %o-e a,a' fro% $hi &in! of .on!i$ional +aren$6in#0
In$ea! of a$$e%+$in# $o 3(i$ .ol! $(r&e'/ 'o( %i#h$ allo, 'o(r6elf a
$rani$ional +erio! !(rin# ,hi.h 'o( .on$in(e $o offer e-al(a$ion *($
also offer !e.ri+$ion an! 3(e$ion0 A 'o( *e.o%e %ore
a..($o%e! $o +ro-i!in# $hee ne, re+one/ 'o( %a' e-en$(6all'
fin! 'o(relf a*le $o *rea& $he ha*i$ of $ar$in# ,i$h a ;(!#%en$0
A$ $he a%e $i%e/ i$ %a&e ene $o !i.( ,ha$ 'o(1re !oin#/
an! ,h'/ ,i$h 'o(r .hil!ren0 If $he'1-e *een le! $o e2+e.$ a "Goo! ;o*45
for .er$ain $hin# $he' !o/ $he' ,ill +ro*a*l' fin! i$ ;arrin# $o ha-e $he
+raie (++l' (!!enl' .($ off0 The' %a' *e in.line! $o -ie, $he
a*en.e of a +oi$i-e ;(!#%en$ a $an$a%o(n$ $o a ne#a$i-e one0
Ma&e i$ .lear/ $herefore/ $ha$ 'o(1re no$ +ro+oin# $o *e le +oi$i-e/
*($ $o *e unconditionally +oi$i-e)$o offer a++ro-al an! affe.$ion
freel' ra$her $han in re+one $o +e.ifi. *eha-ior of $heir $ha$ 'o(
!ee% ,or$h'0 9Then +ro.ee! $o !o ;($ $ha$0:
AFB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
Alo/ .oni$en$ ,i$h $he a!-i.e $o $al& le an! a& %ore/ in-i$e
.hil!ren ,ho are ol! eno(#h $o hare their +er.e+$ion of *ein#
+raie!0 Don1$ ;($ a& ,he$her $he' li&e i$0 A& ,he$her $he' feel
$he'1-e *e.o%e !e+en!en$ on $hee -er*al re,ar!0 Or ho, $he'
re#ar! $he a.$i-i$ie $ha$ +ro!(.e $he +raie0 9Are $hee a.$i-i$ie
le a++ealin# ,hen $here1 no one offerin# +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$
for en#a#in# in $he%@: Or ,ha$ i!ea $he' %a' ha-e for o$her
,a' 'o( .o(l! offer en.o(ra#e%en$0
<n &uccess and 4ailure
Man' .hil!ren feel $heir +aren$1 a++ro-al i *ae! no$ ;($ on *ein#
,ell *eha-e! *($ on *ein# (..ef(l/ a I !i.(e! in .ha+$er G0
Th(/ i$1 i%+or$an$ for ( $o .oni!er ,he$her ;($ (.h a !'na%i.
alrea!' e2i$ in o(r fa%ilie0 We nee! $o o*er-e/ a $hro(#h $he
e'e of an o($i!er/ ,ha$ ,e a' $o o(r &i! a*o($ $he i%+or$an.e of
!oin# ,ell a$ -ario( $hin#/ ho, ,e rea.$ ,hen $he' (..ee! an!
,hen $he' !on1$/ an! ho, $he' re+on! $o o(r rea.$ion0 In o%e
.ae/ i$ %a' %a&e ene i%+l' $o a& o(r &i! +oin$6*lan&7 "Do 'o(
o%e$i%e feel a $ho(#h I lo-e 'o( %ore ,hen 'o( #e$ #oo! #ra!e
=or !o ,ell in +or$/ or a..o%+lih o%e$hin# I .an *ra# a*o($ $o %'
frien!> $han ,hen 'o( !on1$@5 Na$(rall'/ $hi 3(e$ion i (ef(l onl' if
.hil6!ren *elie-e $he' .an *e .o%+le$el' hone$ ,i$h (/ ,hi.h %ean/
a%on# o$her $hin#/ $ha$ $he' &no, ,e1re a*le $o hear ,ha$e-er $he'
a' ,i$ho($ *e.o%in# !efeni-e or an#r'0
Par$ of $he +ro*le% in %an' fa%ilie i no$ ;($ ho, .on!i$ional lo-e
%a&e i$ +reen.e fel$/ *($ ho, %(.h e%+hai i +la.e! on !oin# ,ell0
In a fe, 'ear/ no one ,ill .are 9or +erha+ e-en re%e%*er: ,ho ,on
$ha$ Li$$le Lea#(e #a%e or ,ha$ #ra!e 'o(r .hil! #o$ in %a$h0 B($ $he
+'.holo#i.al effe.$ of %a&in# her feel $ha$ he ha! $o earn 'o(r
affe.$ion ,ill li&el' lin#er an! fe$er0 We nee! $o e-al(a$e o(r a.$ion an!
o(r %o$i-e0 We nee! $o loo& in $he %irror an! a& ,he$her i$1 +oi*le
$ha$ ,e1re +(hin# o(r &i! $oo har!)an!/ for $ha$ %a$$er/
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
,he$her $heir a..o%+lih%en$ are o i%+or$an$ $o ( *e.a(e of
ho, $he' refle.$ on (0 E-en +aren$ ,ho rea!il' a#ree ,i$h $he
$a$e%en$ "I ;($ ,an$ %' .hil! $o *e ha++'5 o%e$i%e #i-e a -er'
!ifferen$ i%+reion *' $heir *eha-ior0
Mo$ of ( are fa%iliar ,i$h +eo+le ,ho are 9or ,ere: (..ef(l in
$he .on-en$ional ene of $ha$ ,or! *($ ,ho lea! fran&l' %iera*le
li-e0 We %a' alo &no, +eo+le ,ho (e! $o #i-e $he i%+reion $ha$
$he'1! ne-er a%o(n$ $o an'$hin#/ *($ !i!0 Plen$' of *rillian$ an!
a..o%+lihe! a!(l$ ,ere %e!io.re $(!en$/ ,hile +len$' of riin#
$ar en! (+ *(rnin# o($0 One reear.her/ af$er +en!in# %ore $han
fif$een 'ear follo,in# $he .areer of hi#h .hool -ale!i.$orian/ .on6
.l(!e! $ha$ %o$ of $he% i%+l' "&no, ho, $o !o .hool0 The' are no$
$he #ro(+ $o loo& for/ for .rea$i-e *rea&$hro(#h 0 0 0 or for *e.o%6in#
no$a*le lea!er in a +ar$i.(lar area05
AB
An! e-en if $he' !o *e.o%e
no$a*le lea!er/ $he' %a' reen$ $he +aren$ ,ho ee%e! $o +a'
a$$en6$ion $o $he% onl' ,hen $he' %a!e #oo!0
In hor$/ .re!en$ial6ha++' +eo+le aren1$ al,a' ha++'0 O(r o*li6
#a$ion i $o ,arn o(r .hil!ren a*o($ $he i%+li.a$ion of *e.o%in#
a!!i.$e! $o A1 an! !ollar an! $ro+hie/ no$ $o er-e a ena*ler of
$hoe a!!i.$ion0 We nee! $o &ee+ $he%)an! o(rel-e)fo.(e! on
$he $hin# $ha$ reall' %a$$er0 Tha$ %ean $ren#$henin# o(r rela$ion6
hi+ ,i$h $he%/ %a&in# i$ .lear $ha$ o(r lo-e i a*ol($el' (nrela$e! $o
ho, ,ell $he' +erfor%0 I$ %ean re.oni!erin# ho, ,e re+on! $o $he
$ho(an! $in' $ri(%+h an! e$*a.& $ha$ fill a .hil!hoo!0
T,o .on.l(ion e%er#e7 Fir$/ i$1 ,hen .hil!ren fall hor$ an! feel
in.o%+e$en$ $ha$ $he' %o$ nee! o(r lo-e)no$ o(r !ia++oin$%en$0
Se.on!/ $he !an#er are ;($ a #rea$ if/ ,hen $he' do (..ee!/ ,e
la-6ih +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ on $he% in (.h a ,a' a $o (##e$
$ha$ o(r lo-e i *ae! on ,ha$ $he'1-e !one/ no$ on ,ho $he' are)
an! $ha$ $he'1! *e$$er &ee+ (+ $he #oo! ,or& 0 0 0 or ele0
To ,ha$e-er e2$en$ i$ re%ain i%+or$an$ $o ( $o hel+ o(r .hil!ren
e2.el/ i$1 (ef(l $o re%e%*er $ha$ $he +eo+le ,ho are %o$ $ho(#h$6f(l
an! .rea$i-e $en! $o *e $hoe ,ho #e$ a &i.& o($ of ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#0 A
a r(le/ i$1 in$ere$ $ha$ !ri-e e2.ellen.e)an! *' $ha$ I %ean
AFC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
in$ere$ in $he $a& i$elf/ no$ in$ere$ in *ein# (..ef(l or in !oin#
*e$$er $han o$her0
A .oni!era*le *o!' of e-i!en.e (##e$ $ha$ ,hen .hil!ren are
le! $o *e.o%e +reo..(+ie! ,i$h ho% %ell $he'1re !oin#/ $he' of$en
$a&e le +lea(re fro% %hat $he'1re !oin#0
AA
Tha$1 a a! re(l$ in i$
o,n ri#h$/ an! of$en $he .a(e of .oni!era*le $re/ *($ i$ alo ha
$he +ara!o2i.al effe.$ of hol!in# $he% *a.& fro% !oin# $he *e$ $he'
.an0 When $(!en$ are le! $o fre$ a*o($ $he 3(ali$' of $heir +erfor%6
an.e 9"Ho, #oo! i $hi +ro;e.$@ Ha-e I %e$ $hee $an!ar!@ Ho,
%(.h i%+ro-e%en$ ha-e I ho,n@5:/ $hen learnin# $en! $o *e.o%e a
.hore ra$her $han an o..aion for e2.i$e%en$0 No, i$1 no$ $(ff $he'
,an$ $o fi#(re o($N i$1 $(ff $he' ha-e $o #e$ *e$$er a$0
In +la.e of +re(re/ $herefore/ ,e ho(l! offer (++or$7 #en$le
#(i!6an.e/ en.o(ra#e%en$/ $r($ in .hil!ren1 #ro,in# .o%+e$en.e/
an! hel+ ,hen i$ ee% ne.ear'0 In +la.e of .o%+e$i$i-e
a.$i-i$ie/ ,e ho(l! offer o++or$(ni$ie $o ha-e f(n an! learn in
,a' $ha$ !on1$ re3(ire ha-in# $o !efea$ o%eone ele0
In +la.e of an e2.ei-e fo.( on .hool a.hie-e%en$/ ,e ho(l!
$a&e a li-el' in$ere$ in ,ha$ $he .hil! i learnin#0 "So/ ,ha$1 your
o+inion a*o($ ho, !inoa(r *e.a%e e2$in.$@5 i a 3(e$ion $ha$ (+6
+or$ in$elle.$(al #ro,$h0 "Ho, .o%e onl' a B6%in( on $ha$ +a+er@5 i
no$0 If a .hil! ha ,ri$$en an ea'/ i$ %a&e ene $o fo.( no$ on
,he$her i$1 #oo! eno(#h *($ on i$ .on$en$ 9an! on $he +ro.e of
.raf$in# i$:0 A +aren$ %i#h$ a&7 "Ho, !i! 'o( .o%e $o .hooe ,ha$ $o
,ri$e a*o($@ Wha$ !i! 'o( learn fro% 'o(r reear.h@ Wh' !i! 'o(
a-e $ha$ i%+or$an$ +oin$ for $he en!@ Di! 'o(r o+inion a*o($ $he $o+i.
.han#e a$ all af$er 'o( $ar$e! $o ,ri$e@5
A#ain/ $he %o$ effe.$i-e 9an! lea$ !e$r(.$i-e: ,a' $o hel+ a .hil!
(..ee!),he$her he1 ,ri$in# or &iin#/ +la'in# a $r(%+e$ or a .o%6
+($er #a%e)i $o !o e-er'$hin# +oi*le $o hel+ her fall in lo-e ,i$h ,ha$
he1 !oin#/ $o +a' le a$$en$ion $o ho, (..ef(l he ,a 9or i li&el'
$o *e: an! ho, %ore in$ere$ in $he $a&0 Tha$1 ;($ ano$her ,a' of
a'in# $ha$ ,e nee! $o en.o(ra#e %ore/ ;(!#e le/ an! lo-e al,a'0
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
Teachers and Parents Together
While o%e e2.e+$ional $ea.her 9(.h a $he one 3(o$e! on ++0 ADJQDI:
+ro-i!e $(!en$ ,i$h $he (n.on!i$ional (++or$ $he' nee!/ $he a! reali$'
i $ha$ %an' .laroo% are no$ e$ (+ $o !o o)or/ for $ha$ %a$6$er/ $o
honor $he +rin.i+le !e.ri*e! in $he +re.e!in# .ha+$er0 S.hool
en-iron%en$ are of$en !i$in#(ihe! *' an arra' of +(nih%en$ an!
re,ar!/ ,i$h ela*ora$e *eha-ior6%ana#e%en$ '$e%/ "re.o#ni$ion5 for
$hoe ,ho are o*e!ien$/ an! an.$ion for $hoe ,ho aren1$0 8hil6!ren
aren1$ hel+e! $o *e.o%e .arin# %e%*er of a .o%%(ni$'/ or e$hi6.al
!e.iion6%a&er/ or .ri$i.al $hin&er/ o %(.h a $he'1re i%+l' $raine! $o
follo, !ire.$ion0 In $he ,or$6.ae .enario/ $he en.o(ra#e6%en$ of
learnin# $a&e a *a.& ea$ $o $he enfor.e%en$ of or!er0 Thee are
en-iron%en$ $ha$ aren1$ heal$h' for .hil!ren an! o$her li-in# $hin#0
I of$en hear fro% +aren$ ,ho e2+lain $ha$ $he'1re $r(##lin# $o
.rea$e ",or&in# ,i$h5 ho%e)onl' $o realiMe a$ o%e +oin$ $ha$
$he'1re en!in# off $heir .hil!ren e-er' %ornin# $o "!oin# $o5 .hool0
9Of .o(re/ I alo hear fro% fr($ra$e! $ea.her ,ho !e.ri*e a %irror6
i%a#e i$(a$ion7 "We hol! !e%o.ra$i. .la %ee$in# $o ol-e +ro*6
le% $o#e$her)an! $hen $he &i! #o ho%e $o *e %ani+(la$e! ,i$h $ar
.har$ an! $i%e6o($45: O*-io(l'/ $hin# ,or& *e$ ,hen +aren$ and
$ea.her are hel+in# &i! $o *e.o%e #oo! +eo+le)an!/ *e$$er 'e$/
,hen $he'1re a.$i-el' (++or$in# one ano$her1 effor$0
The fir$ $e+ for +aren$7 Be a,are of ,ha$1 ha++enin# a$ 'o(r
.hil!1 .hool0
• I i$ a +la.e ,hoe +ri%ar' a#en!a i $o %ee$ .hil!ren1
nee! or $o #e$ .o%+lian.e@
• Are $ro(*leo%e *eha-ior een a +ro*le% $o *e ol-e!
or a infra.$ion $o *e +(nihe!@
• Do $he $ea.her -ie, $heir ;o* a hel+in# &i! learn $o
%a&e #oo! !e.iion)or !o $he' ini$ on %a&in# al%o$ all
of $he !e.iion $he%el-e@
164 U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
• Are $(!en$ en.o(ra#e! $o .olla*ora$e ,i$h one ano$her/ or
are %o$ ai#n%en$ in$en!e! $o *e .o%+le$e! alone 9or
e-en in .o%+e$i$ion ,i$h $heir +eer:@
• If you a$$en!e! $hi .hool or a$ in $hi .laroo%/ ,o(l! 'o(
feel (n.on!i$ionall' a..e+$e!@ Wo(l! 'o( ,an$ $o *e $here@
If 'o( !on1$ li&e ,ha$ 'o( ee an! hear/ 'o(1ll nee! all $he &ill of
!i+lo%a.' 'o( .an %($er $o in-i$e 'o(r .hil!1 $ea.her $o re$hin&
o%e of hi or her +ra.$i.e0 Thi %i#h$ *e a..o%+lihe! *' raiin#
$he 3(e$ion of lon#6$er% #oal0 Af$er all/ e!(.a$or $'+i.all' en!ore
$he a%e or$ of #oal $ha$ +aren$ !oN $he' ,an$ $heir $(!en$ $o *e
re+oni*le/ .arin#/ %oral/ .(rio(/ lifelon# learner/ an! o on0 Yo(
%i#h$ fo.( on $he o*;e.$i-e for .hil!ren $ha$ 'o( hare ,i$h $he
$ea.her/ an! $hen #en$l' raie $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ $here %a' *e *e$$er
,a' of a.hie-in# $hoe o*;e.$i-e $han $ra!i$ional !i.i+line +ra.$i.e/
,hi.h rarel' hel+ &i! $o *e.o%e re+oni*le !e.iion6%a&er0
Yo( ho(l! *e +re+are! $o in$ro!(.e 'o(r .hil!ren1 $ea.her $o ar$i6
.le/ *oo&/ an! -i!eo $ha$ offer #(i!an.e in .rea$in# ",or&in# ,i$h5
.laroo%0
AC
Do o%e reear.h o $ha$ 'o( .an $al& a*o($ ho, o%e
of $he $ea.her1 .ollea#(e ha-e %a!e +ro#re in .rea$in# (.h
+la.e0 Thi .an *e !one ei$her *' (##e$in# .laroo% $o -ii$ 9an!
$ea.h6er $o $al& $o: or *' re.o%%en!in# ,ri$$en %a$erial $ha$
hi#hli#h$ (.6.e $orie fro% real .hool0 I$ .an *e rea(rin# for
*o$h 'o( an! $he $ea.her $o realiMe $ha$ .hool !on1$ ha-e $o *e
"!oin# $o5 +la.e0 In!ee!/ $here are .hool all o-er $he .o(n$r' $ha$
ha-e ho,n ho, $o .rea$e a re+e.$f(l an! a++ealin# en-iron%en$ for
learnin# in $he a*en.e of .arro$6an!6$i.& .on$rol0
Ho,e-er/ if a $ea.her i (nre.e+$i-e $o fee!*a.& an! a!-i.e/ no %a$6
$er ho, re+e.$f(ll' i$1 offere!/ $hen 'o(1ll nee! $o !e.i!e ,he$her $he
i$(a$ion i o !i$(r*in# $ha$ i$1 ,or$h $he ri& in-ol-e! $o $a&e a.$ion0
Alo/ ho, li&el' i i$ $ha$ 'o(r effor$ ,ill (..ee!@ I $he +ro*le% %o$l'
.onfine! $o a +e.ifi. .laroo%@ If o/ +erha+ 'o( .an ha-e 'o(r .hil!
%o-e! $o ano$her one0 The $ra$e#' 'o( .hooe %a' !e+en! on ,he$her
$he +rin.i+al)or/ +erha+/ an a!%ini$ra$or in $he .hool
L O V E W I T H O U T S T R I N G S A T T A 8 H E D
!i$ri.$1 .en$ral offi.e)i '%+a$he$i. $o 'o(r +oin$ of -ie, or a$ lea$
o+en $o +er(aion0 Yo( %a' ,an$ $o fin! e-eral o$her +aren$ ,ho
hare 'o(r .on.ernN $he %ore +eo+le ,ho o*;e.$ $o a +ra.$i.e or +ol6
i.'/ $he le li&el' i$ i $ha$ $he .o%+lain$ ,ill ;($ *e !i%ie!0
While all $hi i #oin# on/ an! e+e.iall' if 'o( !e.i!e $ha$ $he i$6
(a$ion i (nli&el' $o .han#e an'$i%e oon/ i$1 -i$al $o !o e-er'$hin#
'o( .an $o +ro$e.$ 'o(r .hil!0 Here1 $he $i#h$ro+e 'o( %($ ,al&7 On
$he one han!/ 'o( !on1$ ,an$ $o en.o(ra#e 'o(r .hil! $o i#nore/ or a.$
!ire+e.$f(ll' $o,ar!/ $he $ea.her)e-en $ho(#h $he $ea.her %a' *e
a.$in# !ire+e.$f(ll' $o,ar! .hil!ren0 On $he o$her han!/ 'o( !on1$
,an$ $o en!ore a.$ion $ha$ 'o( *elie-e are in!efeni*le/ or .a(e
'o(r .hil! $o feel a $ho(#h a!(l$ al,a' $i.& (+ for one ano$her
9an! (ni$e a#ain$ &i!: e-en ,i$ho($ #oo! reaon0 Yo(r +ri%ar' o*li6
#a$ion i $o !o ri#h$ *' 'o(r .hil!0
Wha$ 'o( a'/ an! ho, 'o( a' i$/ ,ill na$(rall' *e infl(en.e! *'
'o(r .hil!1 a#e a ,ell a *' ,he$her 'o( -ie, ,ha$1 ha++enin# a$
.hool a %erel' le $han i!eal or a a*ol($el' e#re#io(0 Thin& of
'o(r #oal a #i-in# 'o(r .hil! a &in! of ino.(la$ion/ +ro-i!in# hi% ,i$h
$he (n.on!i$ional lo-e/ re+e.$/ $r($/ an! ene of +er+e.$i-e $ha$
,ill er-e $o i%%(niMe hi% a#ain$ $he %o$ !e$r(.$i-e effe.$ of an
o-er.on$rollin# en-iron%en$ or an (nreaona*le a($hori$' fi#(re0 He
ho(l! *e en.o(ra#e! $o refle.$ on ,h' o%e a!(l$ feel $he nee! $o
(e +(nih%en$ an! re,ar!/ ,ha$ $he' .o(l! ha-e !one in$ea!/
an! ,he$her hi o,n a.$ion/ $oo/ .o(l! ha-e *een !ifferen$0 A$ *e$/
$hi no$ onl' hel+ $o *(ffer $he ne#a$i-e i%+a.$ of !(*io( !i.i+line
+oli.ie *($ offer a .han.e for 'o(r .hil! $o learn0
Re%e%*er $ha$ &i! alo learn fro% ,a$.hin# ho, ,e re+on! $o
.hallen#e7 ,he$her ,e1-e $a&en $heir .on.ern erio(l' 9a o++oe!
$o a($o%a$i.all' i!in# ,i$h $he $ea.her: an! ,he$her ,e in-ol-e $he
.hil! in .o%in# (+ ,i$h ol($ion 9a o++oe! $o $r'in# $o !eal ,i$h $he
+ro*le% (nila$erall':0 Alo/ .hil!ren ,ill no$i.e $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h ,e
.on-e' re+e.$ for $he $ea.her e-en ,hile e2+rein# !ia#ree%en$
,i$h o%e of her a.$ion/ an! ho, ,illin# ,e are $o (n!er$an! an!
a.&no,le!#e $he $ea.her1 or +rin.i+al1 +er+e.$i-e on $hee i(e0
AFF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
Be.a(e 'o(r .hil! i ,a$.hin#/ *e.a(e i$1 $he ri#h$ $hin# $o
!o/ an! *e.a(e i$1 %ore li&el' $o *e effe.$i-e/ 'o( ho(l! *e .lear
,i$h $he $ea.her $ha$ 'o( !on1$ ,an$ an a!-erarial rela$ionhi+0
Yo(r #oal i $o ,or& $o#e$her/ $o $a&e e-er'one1 nee! in$o
a..o(n$)no$ ;($ 'o(r .hil!1/ *($ $hoe of all $he .hil!ren an! alo
$he a!(l$0 A$ $he a%e $i%e/ 'o( .an re%ain fir% a*o($ $he
(na..e+$a*ili$' of .oer.in# .hil!ren ,i$h *ri*e an! $hrea$0
The re(l$ %a' .on$in(e $o *e $ha$ 'o(r .hil! i $rea$e! one ,a' a$
ho%e an! ano$her ,a' a$ .hool0 Here/ $he fo.( i on reaon an!
-al(eN $here/ on *eha-ior0 Here/ he1 le! $o .oni!er $he .one3(en.e
of hi a.$ion $o o$herN $here/ $he .one3(en.e $o hi%elf0 Here/ he1
en.o(ra#e! $o $hin&N $here/ $o !o ,ha$ he1 $ol!0 Here/ he1 a++re.i6a$e!
for ,ho he iN $here/ onl' for ,ha$ he !oe0 In.oni$en.' .an *e
.onf(in# for a .hil!N i$1 ne-er i!eal0 B($ i$1 *e$$er $han ha-in# ho%e an!
.hool ,or& in +erfe.$ har%on' $o !o *a! $hin# $o .hil!ren0
I
8HOI8ES FOR 8HILDREN
O
ne af$ernoon/ $he ,o%an ,ho ,a .($$in# %' hair *e#an $o $ell
%e a*o($ a +ro*le% he ,a ha-in# ,i$h her on0 I ,an1$ an26io(
for $hi $o $(rn in$o an e2$en!e! .on(l$a$ion/ o ,hen he fin6
ihe! her $or' I i%+l' (##e$e! $ha$ he %i#h$ in-i$e $he *o' $o
+ro+oe o%e ,a' of !ealin# ,i$h $he i(e0 To %' (r+rie/ he
*e.a%e o e2.i$e! a*o($ $hi i!ea $ha$ I *e#an $o ,orr' he ,o(l!
a..i6!en$all' ni+ off +ar$ of %' ear0
There1 no$hin# *rillian$l' ori#inal a*o($ $he no$ion $ha$ &i!
ho(l! *e +ar$ of $he +ro*le%6ol-in# +ro.e ,hen $hin# #o
,ron#/ or/ for $ha$ %a$$er/ $ha$ $he' ho(l! ha-e o%e a' a*o($
,ha$ ha+6+en $o $he% on an on#oin# *ai0 Ye$ I .on$in(e $o *e
$r(.& *' ho, of$en +aren$ fail $o .oni!er $hee +oi*ili$ie/ or
ne#le.$ $o a.$ on $he%/ or e-en an#ril' rei$ $he%0 So +erha+ i$1
,or$h +en!in# o%e $i%e re-ie,in# ,h')an! ho,)$o le$
.hil!ren +ar$i.i+a$e in %a&in# !e.iion0 Le$1 $ar$ ,i$h ,h'0
The Bene)its o) Choosing
The fir$ ar#(%en$ i a %oral one7 All +eo+le o(#h$ $o ha-e o%e .on6
$rol o-er $heir o,n li-e0 In $he .ae of .hil!ren/ of .o(re/ $here are
AFJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
li%i$ $o ho, %(.h .on$rol an! ,ha$ &in!N +len$' of $hin# ha-e $o
*e !e.i!e! for $he%/ +ar$i.(larl' ,hen $he'1re 'o(n#0 B($ $ha$
!oen1$ ne#a$e $he *ai. +rin.i+le0 I *elie-e o(r !efa(l$ +oi$ion
o(#h$ $o *e $o le$ &i! %a&e !e.iion a*o($ %a$$er $ha$ .on.ern
$he% e2.e+$ ,hen $here i a .o%+ellin# reaon for ( $o o-erri!e
$ha$ ri#h$0 We ho(l! *e +re+are! $o ;($if' ,h'/ in ea.h .ae/ &i!
shouldn0t *e allo,e! $o .hooe0
All of ( ha-e a *ai. nee! $o *e "ori#in5 in o(r li-e ra$her $han
"+a,n/5 a one reear.her +($ i$0 I$1 i%+or$an$ $o e2+erien.e a ene
of a($ono%'/ a feelin# $ha$ ,e are $he ini$ia$or of %(.h of ,ha$ ,e
!o0 In fa.$/ $he +ar$i.(lar .hoi.e ,e %a&e are of$en le i#nifi.an$
$han $he a.$ of .hooin# i$elf0 I *riefl' for#o$ $hi one e-enin# ,hen
%' on/ $hen $hree6an!6a6half/ a&e! %e for a $i.&er *oo&0 I fo(n! a
.olle.$ion of $he% in $he .loe$/ ele.$e! one ,i$h a $r(.& $he%e $ha$ I
$ho(#h$ he ,o(l! en;o'/ an! han!e! i$ $o hi%0 "No/5 he ini$e!0 ""
,an$ $o +i.&05 I +($ *a.& $he *oo& I ha! .hoen an! #a-e hi% $he
,hole +ile0 G(e ,hi.h one he en!e! (+ $a&in#0
When o(r nee! for a($ono%' i .hroni.all' fr($ra$e!/ $he .one6
3(en.e .an in.l(!e no$ %erel' a##ra-a$ion *($ !e+reion an! e-en
+h'i.al illne0
A
A ,e a, in .ha+$er E/ -ario( (n!eira*le effe.$
$en! $o ho, (+ ,hen &i! feel $he'1re o-er.on$rolle! *' $heir +aren$0
In $he .laroo%/ $oo/ $(!en$ $en! no$ $o $hin& a !ee+l'/ or $o *e a
in$ere$e!/ if $he' ha-e li$$le $o a' a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1re learnin# or
a*o($ $he .ir.(%$an.e in ,hi.h $he'1re learnin# i$0 9Sa!l'/ $ra!i$ional
an! "*a.& $o *ai.5 $'le of e!(.a$ion are !i$in#(ihe! *' ;($ (.h
an enfor.e! +ai-i$'0: A!(l$ in $he ,or&+la.e/ %ean,hile/ are %o$
li&el' $o *(rn o($ no$ *e.a(e $he' ha-e $oo %(.h $o !o *($ *e.a(e
$he' !on1$ ha-e eno(#h .hoi.e a*o($ ,ha$ i$ i $he'1re !oin#0
The reear.h !oen1$ %erel' ho, $ha$ +eo+le fail $o flo(rih ,hen
$he' feel +o,erle0 I$ alo .learl' !e%on$ra$e $he *enefi$ of
having $he .han.e $o .hooe0 For e2a%+le/ ,hen +aren$ no$ onl'
a-oi! $he $e%+$a$ion $o rel' on .on$rol *($ alo #o o($ of $heir ,a' $o
hel+ .hil6!ren e2+erien.e a ene of a($ono%'/
C
$hee .hil!ren are
%ore li&el' $o !o ,ha$ $he'1re a&e! an! le li&el' $o %i*eha-e0
Teena#er ,ho
8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N
are a*le $o +ar$i.i+a$e in fa%il' !e.iion6%a&in# are %ore a+$ $o rel'
on $heir +aren$ an! $o hare %an' of $heir *elief0 The' alo en! (+
feelin# *e$$er a*o($ $he%el-e/ li&in# .hool %ore/ an! +referrin#
%ore .hallen#in# ai#n%en$)an!/ if all $ha$1 no$ eno(#h/ $he'1re
alo %ore li&el' $o $a' o($ of $ro(*le0 Finall'/ .olle#e $(!en$ ,hoe
+aren$ ha! en.o(ra#e! $he% $o *e in!e+en!en$ a .hil!ren are %ore
li&el' $han $heir +eer $o feel .onfi!en$ a*o($ $he%el-e an! $o +er6
i$ in $he fa.e of !iffi.(l$' or fail(re0
E
When $ea.her #i-e $heir $(!en$ %ore .hoi.e a*o($ ,ha$ $he'1re
!oin#/ $he re(l$ are e3(all' i%+rei-e0 A..or!in# $o one (%%ar' of
$he reear.h/ $he a!-an$a#e in.l(!e "#rea$er +er.ei-e! .o%+e$en.e/
hi#her in$rini. %o$i-a$ion/ %ore +oi$i-e e%o$ionali$'/ enhan.e! .re6
a$i-i$'/ a +referen.e for o+$i%al .hallen#e o-er ea' (..e/ #rea$er
+eri$en.e in .hool 9i0e0/ lo,er !ro+6o($ ra$e:/ #rea$er .on.e+$(al
(n!er$an!in#/ an! *e$$er a.a!e%i. +erfor%an.e05
D
Th(/ hel+in# .hil!ren $o feel e%+o,ere! %a&e ene a$ all a#e/ a$
ho%e an! a$ .hool/ an! ,i$h re#ar! $o *o$h i%%e!ia$e o($.o%e an!
lon#6$er% #oal0 When 'o( $hin& a*o($ i$/ life +ro-i!e ( ,i$h an en!le
erie of .hoi.e a*o($ i(e $ha$ ran#e fro% %in(.(le $o %on(%en$al/
an! ,e ,an$ o(r &i! $o *e a*le $o !eal ,i$h $he% in a $ho(#h$f(l ,a'0 If I
,ere $o (%%ariMe $he rele-an$ reear.h an! real6life e2+erien.e on $hi
3(e$ion in a in#le en$en.e/ i$ ,o(l! *e $hi7
The %ay kids learn to -ake good decisions is by -aking
decisions, not by )ollo%ing directions.
A$ $he a%e $i%e/ ,e ha-e $o .on.e!e $ha$ +eo+le aren1$ al,a'
+er%i$$e! $o +ar$i.i+a$e in !e.iion %a&in#0 De%o.ra.' i no$i.ea*l'
a*en$ fro% %o$ A%eri.an .laroo% an! ,or&+la.e/ an! o%e
+aren$ (e $ha$ fa.$ $o ra$ionaliMe $heir "*e.a(e I ai! o5 +ra.$i.e0
B($ $he *e$ ,a' $o +re+are .hil!ren for e2+erien.e ,here $he' ,ill
*e (nne.earil' .on$rolle! i no$ $o i%%ere $he% in i%ilar e2+eri6
en.e *eforehan!0 Tha$ ,o(l! *e li&e a'in# $ha$/ *e.a(e $here are
a lo$ of .ar.ino#en in $he en-iron%en$/ ,e ho(l! e2+oe &i! $o a
%an' .an.er6.a(in# a#en$ a +oi*le ,hile $he'1re 'o(n#0
On $he .on$rar'/ i$ %a&e ene $o raie $he% ,i$h re+e.$/ $o offer
AHB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$he% (n.on!i$ional (++or$/ an! $o #i-e $he% .hoi.e on a re#(lar
*ai0 Tha$ fo(n!a$ion allo, $he% $o e-al(a$e $he .on$rollin# +eo6
+le an! in$i$($ion $he'1ll e-en$(all' fa.e *' a++l'in# $he hi#her
$an6!ar! $he' en.o(n$ere! ,hile #ro,in# (+0 I$ alo %ean $he'1ll
*e %ore li&el' $o ,or& for +oi$i-e .han#e in o(r o.ie$' ra$her
$han ;($ a..e+$in# +o,er6*ae! arran#e%en$ a $he' are)or
*elie-in# $hoe arran#e%en$ are ine-i$a*le0
In hor$/ e%+o,ere! &i! are in $he *e$ +oi$ion $o !eal .on6
$r(.$i-el' ,i$h !ie%+o,erin# .ir.(%$an.e0 An! ,e/ a +aren$/
are in $he *e$ +oi$ion $o e%+o,er $he%)a lon# a ,e1re ,illin#
$o li%i$ our (e of +o,er o-er $he%0
4irst Words and 'ast Words
Li%i$in# o(r +o,er !oen1$ ne.earil' %ean $ha$ ,e %($ *e ilen$
a*o($ o(r +referen.e/ *($ ,hene-er +oi*le ,e o(#h$ $o lea-e $he
final !e.iion in $he .hil!1 han!0
G
For e2a%+le/ I %i#h$ $a$e in a
%a$$er6of6fa.$ $one $ha$ I *elie-e i$ ,o(l! *e a++ro+ria$e for %' .hil! $o
a+olo#iMe for o%e$hin# he !i!/ *($ lea-e i$ (+ $o her $o !e.i!e
,he$her $ha$ .on.l(ion i ri#h$ an! ,he$her he ,ill a.$ on i$0 9Af$er
all/ $he al$erna$i-e i $o .o%+el her $o a' he1 orr' ,hen he in1$0:
E-en ,hen ,e1re (n,illin# $o #i-e &i! $he la$ ,or!/ ,e .an
$ill #i-e $he% $he fir$ ,or!)$ha$ i/ a .han.e $o %a&e $heir .ae0
Th(/ ,hen .hil!ren a& ,he$her i$1 o&a' $o !o o%e$hin#/ i$ of$en
%a&e ene $o re+on! ,i$h "Well/ ,ha$ !o 'o( $hin&@5 Thi le$
$he% &no, $ha$ $heir -ie,+oin$ .o(n$/ an! alo in-i$e $he% $o
+la' an a.$i-e role in .oni!erin# $he i%+li.a$ion of $heir re3(e$0
The 3(e$ion of ,he$her/ an! ho,/ $o le$ .hil!ren !e.i!e *e.o%e
o%e,ha$ %ore .o%+li.a$e! in $he .ae of i*lin# .onfli.$0
F
Man'
+ar6en$ ;(%+ in +re%a$(rel' an! $hen %a&e %a$$er ,ore *' i!in#
,i$h one .hil! a#ain$ $he o$her/ or (nfairl' .on!e%nin# $he% *o$h/ or
$r(#6#lin# $o fi#(re o($ ,ho1 $o *la%e0 In o !oin#/ $he' hor$6.ir.(i$
$he +ro.e *' ,hi.h &i! learn $o ne#o$ia$e $heir o,n ol($ion0
8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N
Ho,e-er/ I1% no$ en$irel' .o%for$a*le ,i$h *lan&e$ a!-i.e $o "le$
$he% ,or& $hin# o($ for $he%el-e05 Fir$ of all/ a .hil! ,ho feel he
ha a le#i$i%a$e #rie-an.e %a' #e$ $he i!ea $ha$ 'o( !on1$ .are
eno(#h $o #e$ in-ol-e!/ $ha$ 'o(1re in!ifferen$ $o her .o%+lain$0 Se.6
on!/ 'o(r han!6off +oli.' %a' lea-e $he ,ea&er .hil! $o $he %er.ie
of $he one ,ho i $ron#er or .le-erer)an! 'o( %a' #i-e $he i%+re6
ion $ha$ an' o($.o%e/ no %a$$er ho, (nfair/ ha 'o(r *lein#0
Be .lear $ha$ 'o(1re .on.erne! an! '%+a$he$i.N fin! o($ ,ha$1
#oin# on0 If 'o( $hen !e.i!e $o ha-e $he .hil!ren .on$r(.$ $heir
o,n ol($ion/ %a&e (re 'o( &no, ,ha$ i$ i0 Thi i a learnin#
+ro.e for all .on.erne!0 Tal& $o *o$h .hil!ren af$er $he fa.$ $o hel+
$he% hone $heir .onfli.$6reol($ion &ill/ $o refle.$ on i(e of
fairne/ an! $o $hin& a*o($ ,ha$ $he' %i#h$ !o ne2$ $i%e0 B($ *e
.aref(l7 A one .hil! +'.holo#i$ +oin$ o($/ "Paren$al in$er-en$ion
!oe no$ #(aran$ee fairneN i$ onl' *rin# in$o $he .onfli.$ an e-en
$ron#er +ar$i.i+an$ ,hoe ,or! i final re#ar!le of $he fa.$05
H
E-en in $he a*en.e of a na$' !ia#ree%en$/ .hil!ren %a' $r'
$o %a&e !e.iion for $heir 'o(n#er i*lin#/ $o $ell $he% ho, $he'
ho(l! *e !oin# $hin#0 A !oin#6$o $'le .o%e eail' $o .hil!ren
9a i$ !oe $o a!(l$:N i$1 a($ono%' (++or$ $ha$ ha $o *e learne!0
To +ro-i!e $ha$ (++or$ for 'o(n# .hil!ren i $o +ro$e.$ $he% fro%
an'one ,ho ,o(l! $r' $o .on$rol $he% (nne.earil'0
Deciding Together
E-en *a*ie .an *e allo,e! $o .hooe0 The' ha-e -er' .lear
+refer6en.e for ,hen $he' ,an$ $o ea$/ ho, $he' +refer $o *e hel!/
,here $he' li&e $o *e $i.&le!/ ,hi.h $o' $he'1! ra$her +la' ,i$h/ an!
o on0 I$1 i%+or$an$ $ha$ ,e $(ne in $o ,ha$ $he'1re $ellin# ( an!
$r' $o honor $heir re3(e$ ,hene-er +oi*le ra$her $han ini$in#
on a fi2e! .he!(le for ea$in# an! lee+in#/ or in$era.$in# ,i$h
$he% in a ,a' $ha$ en$er$ain ( *($ !oen1$ reall' +leae $he%0
J
To!!ler are *e$$er a*le $o .o%%(ni.a$e $heir !eire/ an! $he'
AHC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
ha-e %ore o+$ion for e2+rein# !i+lea(re if $hoe !eire are
$h,ar$e!0 Alon# ,i$h $he a*ili$' $o arran#e $hin# o $he' #e$ %ore of
,ha$ $he' ,an$/ of .o(re/ .o%e $he +o$en$ial for .onfli.$0 Tha$1 ,h'
,e of$en ha-e %i2e! feelin# a*o($ o(r 'o(n# .hil!ren1 #ro,in#
%a6$er'0 I$ ,a #rea$ ,hen %' ei#h$een6%on$h6ol! !a(#h$er fi#(re!
o($ ho, $o $(rn a $o' on an! offN I ,a +ro(! of her .o%+e$en.e an!
+er6ha+ a *i$ relie-e! $ha$ he !i!n1$ nee! $o .all %e a of$en0 B($ $he
$a#e ,a $hen e$ for a .lah of ,ill0 I $(rne! off a noi' !e-i.e an!
he $(rne! i$ ri#h$ *a.& on0 A$ $ha$ +oin$ %' o+$ion ,ere +re$$' %(.h
li%i$e! $o $,o7 %' ,a' or her ,a'0 Ei$her I le$ her &ee+ $he $o' on or I
!i!n1$0 9In $hi .ae/ I !i!0:
A a .hil! #e$ ol!er/ $ho(#h/ i$ *e.o%e in.reain#l' +oi*le $o
e2+lain an! !i.(0 Thi i a real *rea&$hro(#h7 Ra$her $han *ein#
for.e! $o .hooe *e$,een ei$her #i-in# in or i%+oin# o(r ,ill/ ,e no,
.an $a&e a!-an$a#e of a $hir! +oi*ili$'/ ,hi.h i $o ,or& $hin# o($
$o#e$her0 No$i.e $ha$ $hi i !ifferen$ fro% %erel' .o%in# !o,n o%e6
,here *e$,een $he e2$re%e of a*ol($e free!o%/ on $he one han!/
an! e2.ei-e .on$rol/ on $he o$her0 So%e$i%e $he *e$ al$erna$i-e $o
*la.& an! ,hi$e in1$ #ra' *($/ le$1 a'/ oran#e0 In o$her ,or!/ $here
%a' *e a +oi*ili$' o($i!e $he .on$in((% $ha$ ha !efine! o(r
o+$ion0 I$1 no$ ;($ a %a$$er of fi#(rin# o($ ho% -uch .hoi.e $o #i-e
&i!/ ,ha$ +er.en$a#e of $he !e.iion $o lea-e $o $he%/ *($ ho, $o
*e.o%e a.$i-e)an! in$era.$i-e)in $he %ay ,e hel+ .hil!ren !e.i!e0
An earl' $(!' of +aren$in# +ra.$i.e !i.o-ere! $ha$ .hil!ren *e.a%e
%ore "a.$i-e/ o($#oin#/ an! +on$aneo(5 ,hen $he' ,ere #i-en +len$' of
o++or$(ni$ie $o %a&e !e.iion0 On .loer in+e.$ion/ ho,e-er/ i$ $(rne!
o($ $ha$ free!o% ,an1$ eno(#h0 A "hi#h le-el of in$era.$ion *e$,een $he
+aren$ an! .hil!5 ,a alo re3(ire!0
I
In a #en6eral ene/ $ha$ %ean ,e
ha-e $o +roa.$i-el' (++or$ &i!1 .a+a.i$' $o .hooe an! hel+ $he% feel
$ha$ $he' are a$ lea$ $o o%e e2$en$ elf6!e$er%inin#0 O(r ;o* i $o
no(rih $heir ene of a($ono%' an! alo $o $hin& $o#e$her a*o($ ,a' of
ne#o$ia$in# ol($ion for +e.ifi. i(e/ (.h a *e!$i%e/ .(rfe,/ ,here
$o $a&e a fa%il' -a.a$ion/ an! o on0
8oni!er a .hil! ,ho i +en!in# ,ha$ ,e *elie-e i $oo %(.h $i%e
8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N
in fron$ of $he TV or $he .o%+($er0 Re.en$l' I ha! e+ara$e .on-era6
$ion ,i$h $,o !ifferen$ +aren$ a*o($ $hi i(e0 One ,a (nha++'
a*o($ e2.ei-e $ele-iion ,a$.hin# in her ho(ehol!/ *($ he
hr(##e! an! a&e! rhe$ori.all'/ "Wha$ are 'o( #oin# $o !o@ I$1 $he
$i%e ,e li-e in05 The o$her %o$her/ *' .on$ra$/ fel$ he ha! $o $a&e
a.$ion) o he hi! $he re%o$e .on$rol fro% her !a(#h$er0
To#e$her/ $hee re+one !efine a .lai. fale !i.ho$o%'0 If ,e
le$ &i! !o ,ha$e-er $he' ,an$/ e-en ,hen ,e !ia++ro-e/ ,e ri&
en!in# $he %ea#e $ha$ ,e reall' !on1$ .are/ $ha$ ,e1re ,ahin# o(r
han! of re+oni*ili$'0 9In $he .ae of TV/ $he !o6no$hin# o+$ion %a'
a.$(all' *e %ore a++ealin# $o o%e +aren$ *e.a(e/ !e+i$e $heir
%i6#i-in#/ $he' fin! i$ .on-enien$ $o ha-e $heir .hil!ren o..(+ie! an!
3(ie$0: On $he o$her han!/ $he e.on! re+one i a !oin#6$o ol($ion0
Ne-er %in! $ha$ hi!in# $he re%o$e i (nli&el' $o ,or& 9a$ lea$ for -er'
lon#: an! %erel' in-i$e $he .hil! $o fin! a ,a' $o ,or& aro(n! i$0
Wha$1 %ore i%+or$an$ i $ha$ $hi $ea.he .hil!ren $o (e +o,er)or
nea&ine)$o #e$ $heir ,a'0
Wha$ $hee $,o $ra$e#ie hare i $ha$ nei$her of $he% $a&e an'
$i%e/ an' $alen$/ an' &ill/ an' .are/ or an' .o(ra#e0 A I no$e! earlier/
a $r(e ,or&in#6,i$h a++roa.h i %ore !e%an!in# $han ei$her "I1% $he
+aren$N I !e.i!e5 or "Do ,ha$e-er 'o( ,an$05 A %ore .on$r(.$i-e
re+one ,o(l! *e#in ,i$h li$enin#)no$ onl' o $ha$ &i! )eel hear!
*($ o $ha$ 'o( .an learn %ore a*o($ ,ha$1 reall' #oin# on0 TV +ro6
#ra% an! .o%+($er #a%e are a++ealin# in $heir o,n ri#h$/ *($ .hil6
!ren ,ho +en! inor!ina$e a%o(n$ of $i%e ,i$h $he% %a' *e !oin#
o *e.a(e $he'1re !e+ree! or $r'in# $o a-oi! o$her a.$i-i$ie
9in.l(!6in# o.ial in$era.$ion: for +e.ifi. reaon $ha$ nee! $o *e !eal$
,i$h0 In a!!i$ion $o li$enin#/ ,e nee! $o *e .an!i! a*o($ o(r feelin#
an!/ (l$i%a$el'/ $o loo& for ol($ion $o#e$her7 "Le$1 $al& a*o($ ,ha$1
fair $o 'o( *($ alo ,ha$ %i#h$ a!!re %' .on.ern0 Le$1 .o%e (+
,i$h o%e i!ea an! $r' $he% o($05
In $hi .ae/ $ha$ %a' %ean a#reein# on a reaona*le li%i$ $o $he
$i%e +en$ in fron$ of $he TV or P8/ a ,ell a +e.if'in# ,hi.h +ro6
#ra% or #a%e are o&a' an! ,hi.h are no$ 9an! ,h':0 B($ $ha$1 ;($
AHD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$he *e#innin# of $he !i.(ion0 We %a' nee! $o e2+lore $he
(n!erl'6in# i(e $ha$ e2+lain ,h' $he $ele-iion ha *e.o%e $he
.hil!1 *e$ frien!0 An! ,e %a' !e.i!e $o +en! %ore $i%e ,i$h o(r
&i!)a$ a.$i-6i$ie $he' hel+ $o .hooe0
Here1 ano$her e2a%+le7 I$1 one $hin# $o lo.& 'o(r .ar1 rear !oor
o $ha$ a 'o(n# .hil! .an1$ a..i!en$all' o+en i$ ,hile 'o(1re +ee!in#
!o,n $he hi#h,a'0 I$1 o%e$hin# ele $o lo.& $he ele.$ri. ,in!o, o
$ha$ onl' 'o(/ $he !ri-er/ .an .on$rol $he%0 Tha$1 ano$her !oin#6$o
ol($ion/ a ,a' of $r'in# $o %a&e $he +ro*le% #o a,a' *' $ri++in#
.hil!ren of +o,er0 In$ea!/ ,e %i#h$ ;($ allo, $he &i! $o +la' ,i$h $he
,in!o,/ &no,in# $ha$ e-en$(all' $he #a%e ,ill loe i$ no-el$'0 If
$here reall' i a +ro*le% ,i$h ,ha$ $he'1re !oin#/ ho,e-er/ ,e ho(l!
$a&e $he $i%e $o e2+lain %hy i$1 a +ro*le% an! a& $he% $o refrain
fro% foolin# ,i$h $he *($$on $oo %(.h0
Thi #eneral a++roa.h al%o$ al,a' ,or& ,i$h %' o,n
.hil!ren/ an! I hear fro% %an' o$her +aren$ a.ro $he .o(n$r'
,ho ha-e $he a%e e2+erien.e0 Ki! reall' re+on! ,hen $he'1re
$rea$e! ,i$h re+e.$/ in-ol-e! in +ro*le% ol-in#/ an! a(%e! $o
*e ,ell in$en$ione!0 B' .on$ra$/ i$1 $he .hil!ren ,ho are raie!
,i$h %ore $ra!i$ional !i.i6+linar' +ra.$i.e 9an! $he .orre+on!in#
a(%+$ion: ,ho $en! $o $a&e a!-an$a#e0 "Gi-e 1e% an in.h/
$he'1ll $a&e a %ile5 $(rn o($ $o *e $r(e +ri%aril' of .hil!ren ,ho
ha-e onl' *een #i-en in.he in $heir li-e0
In hor$/ ,i$h ea.h of $he $ho(an!6an!6one +ro*le% $ha$
+reen$ $he%el-e in fa%il' life/ o(r .hoi.e i *e$,een .on$rollin#
an! $ea.h6in#/ *e$,een .rea$in# an a$%o+here of !i$r($ an! one
of $r($/ *e$,een e$$in# an e2a%+le of +o,er an! hel+in# .hil!ren
$o learn re+oni*ili$'/ *e$,een 3(i.&6fi2 +aren$in# an! $he &in!
$ha$1 fo.(e! on lon#6$er% #oal0
Thee al$erna$i-e are +ar$i.(larl' alien$ for +aren$ ,ho $r(##le
.on$in(o(l' ,i$h #e$$in# $heir .hil!ren o($ of *e!/ !ree!/ fe!/
,ahe!/ an! o($ $he !oor in $i%e for .hool)$ha$ i/ %o$ of (0 No$
lon# af$er o(r fir$ .hil! $ar$e! +re.hool/ %' ,ife an! I fell in$o $he
$ra+ of na##in# an! rel'in# on -ario( .oer.i-e $ra$e#ie0 Wha$ ,e
8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N
,ere !oin# in an in.reain#l' !e+era$e effor$ $o #e$ her #oin# in $he
%ornin# ,a $ireo%e for all of (/ an! ,e ,eren1$ a.$in# li&e $he +ar6
en$ ,e ,an$e! $o *e0 Finall'/ ,e a$ !o,n ,i$h o(r !a(#h$er a$ a $i%e
,hen none of ( ,a feelin# +re(re!/ an! .al%l' lai! o($ $he +ro*6
le%0 Then/ in$ea! of le.$(rin#/ ,e li$ene!0 In$ea! of .rea$in# a
"*eha-ior +lan5 $o *e !one $o her 9%(.h a one %i#h$ $r' $o ho(e6
$rain a +e$:/ ,e *rain$or%e! $o#e$her7 Wha$ .o(l! ,e !o $ha$ ,o(l!
%a&e %ornin# %ore +leaan$ for all of (@
A*i#ail (##e$e! $ha$ $hin# %i#h$ #o a lo$ fa$er if he .o(l!
;($ lee+ in $he .lo$he he ,a #oin# $o ,ear $he follo,in# !a'0
We .o(l!n1$ $hin& of an' #oo! reaon no$ $o $r' $hi/ o ,e !i!0
9She !oen1$ ,ear $he &in! of .lo$hin# $ha$1 a+$ $o *e.o%e
,rin&le!)an!/ e-en if $ha$ !i! ha++en/ o ,ha$@: I$ ,or&e!0
Mornin# are $ill a $r(##le o%e$i%e/ *($ le o $han if #e$$in#
!ree! ,ere $ill +ar$ of $he ro($ine0
M' +oin$ here i no$ ne.earil' $o re.o%%en! $he o+$ion of
lee+6in# in one1 .lo$he/ 'o( (n!er$an!0 The +ro.e %a$$er
%ore $han $he +ro!(.$/ an! i$ ho(l! *e a +ro.e $ha$ en.o(ra#e
.hil!ren $o rea6on an! +lan an! +ar$i.i+a$e in fi#(rin# o%e$hin#
o($0 Wha$ .o(n$ i $ha$ &i! &no, $heir nee! %a$$er $o ( an!
$ha$ ,e1re ,illin# $o $a&e $heir i!ea erio(l'0 An'one ,ho ,an$ $o
raie a .lear6$hin&in#/ elf6.onfi!en$ .hil!)o%eone ,ho doesn0t
#ro, in$o a $ro(*le! $een)ho(l! i%a#ine $he li&el' effe.$ of 'ear
fille! ,i$h e2a%+le of %($(al +ro*le%6ol-in#/ $hen .o%+are $ha$
$o 'ear of ha-in# $he +aren$ %a&e all $he i%+or$an$ !e.iion0 In
fa.$/ ,e !on1$ ha-e $o +e.6(la$e a*o($ $he re(l$0 We ha-e #oo!
!a$a $o ho, $ha$ .hil!ren are %ore li&el' $o .on$rol $he%el-e if
$heir +aren$ are ,illin# $o ne#o6$ia$e an! are o+en $o .han#in#
$heir %in! in re+one $o .hil!ren1 ar#(%en$0
AB
S(.h o+enne of$en +ro!(.e %ore 3(e$ion an! .hallen#e/
an! $ha$ .an *e.o%e fr($ra$in#0 Man' of ( ;o&in#l' lon# for $he #oo!
ol! !a' ,hen &i! ;($ !i! ,ha$ $he' ,ere $ol! an! &ne, *e$$er $han
$o $al& *a.&0 B($/ of .o(re/ %e &no, *e$$er0 The ol! !a' reall'
,eren1$ o #oo!/ ,herea $he +ro.e of $al&in# $hin# o($ an! !e.i!6
AHF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
in# $hin# $o#e$her +ro!(.e *enefi$ $ha$ re+a' o(r +a$ien.e %an'
$i%e o-er0
Loo& a$ i$ $hi ,a'7 One o+$ion for +aren$ of ol!er .hil!ren i $o
%oni$or an! .on$rol $he% in a !e+era$e effor$ $o %a&e (re $he'
!on1$ #e$ in$o $ro(*le)rea! $heir !iarie an! rifle $hro(#h $heir
*a.&+a.& ,hen $he'1re no$ loo&in#/ !e-ie $e.hni.al fi2e $o
+re-en$ $he% fro% ,a$.hin# ina++ro+ria$e TV +ro#ra%/ %a'*e
e-en in$all hi!!en .a%6era o ,e .an &ee+ an e'e on $he%0 The
o$her o+$ion i $o *(il! a $r($in# rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $he% fro% $he
$i%e $he'1re %all an! in-ol-e $he% in %a&in# !e.iion0 Tha$ ,a'/
$he !oin#6$o a++roa.h/ ,hi.h ,e alrea!' &no, $o *e offeni-e an!
.o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e/ +ro-e $o *e (nne.ear' a ,ell0
B($ are $here eno(#h ho(r in $he !a' $o $al& o-er e-er'$hin# ,i$h
o(r &i!@ I $hin& ,e .an offer fo(r re+one $o $hi .on.ern0 Fir$ of
all/ ,hile i$1 $heore$i.all' +oi*le $o +en! $oo %(.h $i%e hahin#
$hin# o($/ %o$ +aren$ ha-e a lon# ,a' $o #o *efore $he' ha-e $o
,orr' a*o($ errin# in $hi !ire.$ion0 The far %ore .o%%on %i$a&e i
$o hare !e.iion6%a&in# a($hori$' $oo rarel'0 The -a$ %a;ori$' of
fa%ilie (ffer fro% $oo li$$le !e%o.ra.'/ no$ $oo %(.h0
Se.on!/ I1% no$ (##e$in# $ha$ e-er'$hin# ha $o *e ne#o$ia$e!/
onl' $ha$ &i! ho(l! &no, %an' i(e can *e ne#o$ia$e!0 Para!o2i6
.all'/ $he'1ll feel le nee! $o .hallen#e e-er' !e.iion ,hen $he'1re
.on6fi!en$ $ha$ i$1 +oi*le for $he% $o o*;e.$ 9or (##e$ an
al$erna$i-e: on $hoe o..aion ,hen $he' feel i$1 i%+or$an$ $o !o o0
Thir!/ .hil!ren are %(.h le li&el' $o rei$ !e.iion $ha$ $he'
hel+e! $o %a&e0 The $o+6!o,n/ ",hile 'o(1re li-in# in %' ho(e/
'o(1ll !o a I a'5 a++roa.h en! (+ $a&in# a lo$ %ore $i%e an!
ener#' $han ,e realiMe *e.a(e of $he !efian.e i$ o of$en
+ro-o&e0 E-en a+ar$ fro% $he $re e2+erien.e! *' +aren$ an!
.hil!ren ali&e)an! $he !a%a#e $o $heir rela$ionhi+)$he a++aren$
effi.ien.' of *'+ain# !i6.(ion *' !e.i!in# $hin# (nila$erall'
$(rn o($ $o *e an ill(ion ,hen 'o( $a&e $he lon# -ie,0
Finall'/ +ea&in# of $he lon# -ie,/ e-en if ,or&in# $hin# o($ ,i$h
&i! reall' !i! en! (+ $a&in# %ore $i%e an! effor$ $han $he $ra!i$ional
8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N
a++roa.h/ i$1 one of $he *e$ ,a' +aren$ .an +en! $heir $i%e0 To
a++re.ia$e $hi/ ,e ha-e $o loo& *e'on! $he +e.ifi. i(e ,e1re !i6
.(in# an! re%e%*er $ha$ $hi +ro.e +ro-i!e in.al.(la*le *ene6
fi$ $o o(r .hil!ren1 o.ial/ %oral/ an! in$elle.$(al !e-elo+%en$0
Pseudochoice
So%e +aren$ $al& a*o($ ".hoi.e5 no$ in $he .on$e2$ of allo,in# &i! $o
ha-e %ore a' *($ ra$her a a ,a' of *la%in# $he% for !eli*era$el'
!e.i!in# $o !o o%e$hin# *a!0
AA
A en$en.e (.h a "Yo( chose $o *rea&
$he r(le5 a%o(n$ $o (in# $hi ,or! al%o$ li&e a *l(!#eon a#ain$ .hil6
!ren0 I$1 alo a ,a' of $r'in# $o ;($if' a +(ni$i-e re+one/ o i$ ho(l!n1$
*e (r+riin# $o learn $ha$ +eo+le ,ho $al& $hi ,a' are in!ee! %ore li&el'
$o (e +(nih%en$ an! o$her +o,er6*ae! in$er-en$ion0
AC
A!(l$ ,ho *li$hel' ini$ $ha$ .hil!ren .hooe $o %i*eha-e are ra$her
li&e +oli$i.ian ,ho !e.lare $ha$ +eo+le ha-e onl' $he%el-e $o *la%e for
*ein# +oor0 In *o$h .ae/ +o$en$iall' rele-an$ fa.$or o$her $han +eronal
re+oni*ili$' are i#nore!0 A 'o(n# .hil! in +ar6$i.(lar %a' no$ ha-e $he
f(ll' !e-elo+e! .a+a.i$' for ra$ional !e.iion6%a&in# or i%+(le .on$rol
$ha$ i i%+li.i$ in (##e$in# he %a!e a .hoi.e0 9Paren$ ,ho $a&e $hoe
li%i$ in$o a..o(n$ are li&el' $o $r' $o hel+ $he .hil! !e-elo+ $he rele-an$
&ill/ ra$her $han $o +(nih an! *la%e0: A e.on! i%ilari$' *e$,een $he
a$$ri*($ion of .hoi.e *' +ar6en$ an! +oli$i.ian i $ha$ in *o$h .ae i$1
$he -er' +eo+le .lai%in# $hi ,ho $en! $o *enefi$ fro% (.h $hin&in#0 The'
ha-e no nee! $o re.oni!er $heir o,n !e.iion an! !e%an!0 Paren$/
for e2a%+le/ .an i%+l' $ell $he%el-e $ha$ $heir .hil!ren ".hoe5
,ha$e-er ha++ene!0
So%e$i%e i$1 $he i!ea of .hoi.e $ha$1 %i(e! ra$her $han ;($
$he ,or!0 We fin! $hi ,hen +aren$ +re$en! $o le$ $he .hil! !e.i!e
,hile a.$(all' &ee+in# all $he real !e.iion6%a&in# a($hori$' $o
$he%el-e0 There are $hree .o%%on for% of "+e(!o.hoi.e/5 all
of ,hi.h/ a!l'/ .an *e fo(n! in !i.i+line *oo& a e2a%+le of
,ha$ ,e1re (++oe! $o !o0
AHJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
In $he fir$ -erion/ $he +aren$ a& a loa!e! 3(e$ion (.h a
"Do 'o( ,an$ $o !o $he !ihe no, or ,o(l! 'o( ra$her !o $he%
,hile 'o(r fa-ori$e TV +ro#ra% i on@5 The +ro*le% here in1$ ;($
$ha$ $he o+$ion ha-e *een re!(.e! $o $,o0 I$1 $ha$ no real .hoi.e
i *ein# offere! a$ all0 O*-io(l'/ $he .hil! !oen1$ ,an$ $o %i her
+ro#ra%0 The +aren$ i reall' a'in# "Wah $he !ihe no, or ele
I1% no$ #oin# $o le$ 'o( ,a$.h TV5)or/ in #eneri. $er%/ "Do ,ha$ I
$ell 'o( or 'o(1ll *e +(nihe!05 The lan#(a#e of .hoi.e i (e! $o
!i#(ie ,ha$ i *ai.all' ;($ a $hrea$0
The e.on! &in! of +e(!o.hoi.e i !ifferen$ onl' in $ha$ $he
!e.e+6$ion o..(r a)ter a .hil! !oe o%e$hin# re#ar!e! a
ina++ro+ria$e0 The +aren$ anno(n.e $ha$ a +(nih%en$ ,ill *e
i%+oe!/ *($ !e.ri*e i$ a o%e$hin# $he .hil! a&e! for)a in/
"Yo(1-e chosen a $i%e6o($05 Thi +hrae a++eal $o o%e +aren$
*e.a(e i$ ee% $o relie-e $he% of an' re+oni*ili$' for ,ha$ $he'1re
a*o($ $o !o/ *($ i$1 f(n!a%en6$all' !ihone$ an! %ani+(la$i-e0 To $he
in;(r' of +(nih%en$ i a!!e! $he in(l$ of a &in! of %in! #a%e
,here*' reali$' i re!efine! an! .hil6!ren are $ol!/ in effe.$/ $ha$ $he'
,an$e! $o *e %a!e $o (ffer0 "Yo(1-e .hoen a $i%e6o($5 i a lieN a
$r($hf(l +aren$ ,o(l! ha-e $o a'/ "I1-e .hoen $o iola$e 'o(05
A li#h$l' !ifferen$ -erion of $hi +lo' .oni$ of a'in# o%e$hin#
li&e "Don1$ %a&e %e +an& 'o(45 9or "0 0 0 en! 'o( $o 'o(r roo%/5 or
"0 0 0 $a&e a,a' 'o(r allo,an.e/5 or ,ha$e-er:)in effe.$/ +re$en!6in#
$ha$ $he .hil! i re+oni*le for "%a&in#5 $he +aren$ reor$ $o +(n6
ih%en$0 I$1 in$ere$in# $o o*er-e ho, %an' +eo+le ,ho +io(l'
!e.lare $ha$ .hil!ren %($ $a&e re+oni*ili$' for $heir o,n *eha-ior)
o%e$i%e e-en *efore $he'1re reall' ol! eno(#h $o !o o)en! (+
$,i$in# reali$' o a $o e.a+e re+oni*ili$' for their *eha-ior0 9"Don1$
loo& a$ %e4 M' &i! for.e! %e $o !o *a! $hin# $o her45:
The la$ -erion of +e(!o.hoi.e o..(r ,hen +aren$ #o $hro(#h $he
%o$ion of le$$in# $he .hil! .hooe *($ %a&e i$ .lear ho, $he re(l$ %($
.o%e o($0 So%e o+$ion are a..e+$a*le an! o$her are no$/ an! $he .hil!
i e2+e.$e! $o fi#(re o($ ,ha$ $he +aren$ ,an$ hi% $o !o) $ha$ i/ if he
e-er ,an$ $o ha-e $he .han.e $o ".hooe5 a#ain0 9"I #(e
8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N
'o(1re no$ %a$(re eno(#h $o *e allo,e! $o !e.i!e $hee $hin# for
'o(relf5 %ean "Yo( !i!n1$ +i.& ,ha$ I ,an$e! 'o( $o05: Be$$er ;($
$o $ell a .hil! "I1% #oin# $o +i.& for 'o(/5 ,hi.h a$ lea$ i hone$/
$han $o #o $hro(#h $hi .hara!e0
The 'i-its o) 'i-its
E-en +aren$ ,ho a-oi! $hee !e.e+$ion ho(l! refle.$ on
,he$her $he' %i#h$ *e (nne.earil' li%i$in# $heir .hil!ren1
o++or$(ni$ie $o .hooe0 Al$ho(#h $here are .er$ain &in! of
.hoi.e $ha$ a!(l$ ha-e $o %a&e for $heir .hil!ren)an! e-en
$ho(#h $he .hoi.e .hil6!ren .an %a&e for $he%el-e of$en %($
*e .ir.(%.ri*e!)I *e.o%e (nea' ,hen +aren$ 9or +eo+le ,ho
a!-ie +aren$: %a&e e%+ha$i./ elf6a$ifie! !e.lara$ion a*o($
$he nee! $o "e$ li%i$05 Too of$en $hi +hrae i (e! $o ;($if' an
a++roa.h $ha$ fea$(re far $oo %(.h .on$rol0
Thi i +ar$i.(larl' $r(e ,hen i$1 alo aer$e! $ha$ ,e ho(l!n1$
feel *a! a*o($ ,ha$ ,e1re !oin# *e.a(e &i!/ !e+i$e $heir a++aren$
rei$an.e/ a.$(all' ,an$ li%i$0 A Tho%a Gor!on +oin$e! o($/ $ha$1
a "!an#ero( half6$r($h05 8hil!ren %a' accept li%i$ an! e-en
a.&no,le!#e $heir -al(e/ *($ ,ha$ $he' need i $o *e .on(l$e! ra$her
$han ;($ .on$raine!0 Wa$.h ho, !ifferen$l' &i! rea.$ $o "li%i$
i%+oe! *' an a!(l$ an! 0 0 0 li%i$ $he' ha-e a -oi.e in !e$er%inin#05
The 3(e$ion ,e o(#h$ $o *e a&in#/ a Gor!on a, i$/ in1$ ,he$her
li%i$ an! r(le are o%e$i%e ne.ear'0 I$1 ",ho e$ $he%7 $he
a!(l$ alone or $he a!(l$ an! &i!)$o#e$her05
AE
So%e$i%e $he li%i$ +aren$ i%+oe $a&e $he for% of allo,in# &i! $o
%a&e .hoi.e onl' a*o($ %eanin#le %a$$er0 I re%e%*er a %o$her
$ellin# %e +ro(!l' $ha$ he %a&e a +oin$ of le$$in# her .hil! .hooe
,hene-er he !oen1$ %(.h .are ho, $hin# $(rn o($0 The a!-an$a#e of
a($ono%' $ha$ I !e.ri*e! earlier re3(ire $ha$ .hil!ren ha-e a a' a*o($
o%e i(e ,here ,e do .are ,ha$ ha++en0 Ki! ho(l! *e a*le $o
%a&e o%e .hoi.e $ha$ ha-e $he +o$en$ial $o %a&e ( #(l+ a *i$0
AJB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
Na$(rall'/ $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h ,e #i-e $he% $hoe o++or$(ni$ie ,ill
!e+en! +ar$l' on $heir a#e7 I1% no$ a'in# a $hree6'ear6ol! ho(l! !e.i!e
,he$her $o #e$ -a..ina$e!0 B($ e-en a$ $hi a#e a .hil! .an ha-e o%e
in+($ in$o %a$$er %ore i#nifi.an$ $han ,hi.h .olor i++' .(+ $o (e for
l(n.h0 I$1 alo i%+or$an$ $o .oni!er $he $'+e of 3(e$ion $ha$1 (n!er
!i.(ion0 In o%e real%/ (.h a heal$h an! afe$'/ .hil!ren %i#h$ *e
li%i$e! $o +eri+heral .hoi.e/ (.h a %hen $o $a&e a *a$h or ,hi.h $'le
of hel%e$ $o +($ on *efore #e$$in# on a *i&e or &a$e*oar!0 B($ in o$her
real%/ (.h a ho, $o f(rnih an! !e.ora$e $heir *e!6roo%/ $he' ho(l!
ha-e %(.h %ore la$i$(!e $o !o $hin# a $he' ee fi$0 9A($hori$arian
+aren$/ *' .on$ra$/ no$ onl' offer %ini%al o++or6$(ni$ie for $heir .hil!ren
$o .hooe/ *($ $en! $o $rea$ %a$$er of $a$e or +eronal $'le a if $he'
,ere %oral i(e ,i$h a in#le ri#h$ an,er)an an,er $ha$ %($/ of
.o(re/ *e +ro-i!e! *' $he +aren$0:
I ,on1$ $r' $o +e.if' e2a.$l' ,ha$ a #i-en .hil! 9,ho% I1-e
ne-er %e$: ho(l! *e allo,e! $o !e.i!e a$ a #i-en a#e0 B($ $he
.hallen#e for all of ( i $o %a&e (re $ha$/ if ,e1re a'in# o(r .hil!
shouldn0t ha-e an' .hoi.e a*o($ a .er$ain i(e/ ,e1re reall' !oin#
o *e.a(e i$ !oen1$ %a&e ene/ no$ ;($ *e.a(e ,e1re (n,illin#
$o #i-e (+ o%e .on$rol0 E-en $he %o$ effe.$i-e +aren$ of$en fin!
i$ $o(#h $o relin63(ih o%e of $heir a($hori$'/ *($ $he' !o o
an',a'0 An! ,hen $he' !on1$/ $he' %a' %a.& $heir forehea!
la$er an! %($$er/ "Wai$ a %in($e4 Wh' !i! " %a&e $ha$ !e.iion on
%' o,n@ Wh' !i! I $ell ,hen I .o(l! ha-e a&e!@5
One ,a' $o %a&e (re $ha$ .hoi.e are real an! %eanin#f(l i $o !o
%ore $han allo, &i! $o ele.$ one o+$ion fro% a %en( $ha$ 'o(1-e .on6
$r(.$e!0 9"Wo(l! 'o( li&e $o !o x, y, or =95: Tha$ or$ of li%i$e! .hoi.e
%a' *e all $ha$ a -er' 'o(n# .hil! .an han!le/ *($ *' $he $i%e .hil!ren are
fi-e or i2/ $he' ho(l! ha-e +len$' of o++or$(ni$ie $o generate !if6feren$
+oi*ili$ie ra$her $han %erel' +i.&in# one fro% a%on# $hoe $ha$ 'o(1-e
e$ *efore $he%0 Tr' $o a& %ore o+en6en!e! 3(e$ion/ (.h a "Wha$
,o(l! 'o( li&e $o !o $o!a'@5 I$1 fine $o (##e$ o%e i!ea if .hil!ren
ee% $'%ie!0 B($ !on1$ he% $he% in +re%a$(rel'0 Real a($on6o%'
.o%e fro% .on$r(.$ion %ore $han fro% ele.$ion0
AD
8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N
When They $ave To, But Don0t Want To
E-en af$er ,e1-e .hallen#e! o(rel-e $o $hin& .aref(ll' a*o($ ,he$her
$here1 a reaona*le ;($ifi.a$ion for ,ha$ ,e1re a&in# .hil!ren $o !o 9or
no$ $o !o:/ $here ,ill *e o%e !e%an! $ha$ reall' are nonne#o$ia*le0
There ,ill *e o%e o..aion ,hen .o%+lian.e i -i$al/ o%e $i%e ,hen
,e $r(l' %($ a' "Yo( ha-e $o5 or "Yo( .an1$05 Wha$ $hen@
The #oo! ne, i $ha$ +aren$ ,ho ha-en1$ o-er+la'e! $heir
han! *' !e%an!in# o*e!ien.e all $he $i%e are li&el' $o fin! $ha$
$heir .hil6!ren ,ill #i-e $he% $he *enefi$ of $he !o(*$ an! !o ,ha$
$he'1re a&e! ,hen $he i$(a$ion re3(ire i$0 9Thi i i%ilar $o ho,
.hil!ren ,ho &no, $he' .an +ar$i.i+a$e in %a&in# !e.iion ,on1$
feel $he' ha-e $o !o o a*o($ e-er' in#le i(e0: Rei$an.e i
%ore .o%%on a%on# .hil!ren ,ho feel +o,erle an! are !ri-en
$o aer$ $heir a($ono%' in e2a##era$e! ,a'0
S$ill/ $here ,ill *e $i%e ,hen $he' rei$ ,ha$ 'o( $ell $he%/
ho,6e-er #oo! 'o(r reaon are an! ho,e-er +arin#l' 'o(
in-o&e 'o(r a($hori$'0 B($ e-en $hen/ $here are al$erna$i-e $o
re,ar!in# an! +(n6ihin# an! .r(!el' la'in# !o,n $he la,0
A0 USE THE LEAST INTRUSIVE STRATEGY0
Be a #en$le an! &in! a +oi*le0 Don1$ o-er,hel% a .hil! ,i$h 'o(r
+o,er0 If a .hil! i in a fo(l $e%+er/ an#ril' rei$in# e-er' (##e$ion 'o(
%a&e/ !on1$ #e$ +(lle! in$o a $r(##le0 Di.(ion !oen1$ %a&e ene
,hen he1 (na*le $o reaon/ an! of .o(re hollerin# *a.& ne-er %a&e
ene0 Gi-e her a fe, %in($e $o re.o-er0 The $or% ,ill +a0
Thi a!-i.e alo %a&e ene ,hen 'o(1re .onfron$e! ,i$h +ai-e
rei$an.e0 S(++oe a 'o(n# .hil! i#nore 'o(r re3(e$ $o +($ a,a' a $o'0
He i$ ,i$h hi *a.& $o 'o( an! .on$in(e +la'in#0 The i%+(le i -er'
$ron# here $o ini$/ $o (e hea-'6han!e! $a.$i. an! ra$.he$ (+ $he
$a&e0 Af$er all/ 'o(r a($hori$' ha *een .hallen#e!4 Ki! .an1$ *e
allo,e! $o i#nore $heir +aren$4 B($ ,ha$ if 'o( $oo& a *rea$h/ a&e! hi%
$o .lean (+ ,hen he1 !one +la'in#/ an! $hen ,al&e! a,a'@
AJC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
B' *a.&in# off a *i$ an! #i-in# hi% o%e +a.e/ 'o( le$ hi%
%ain$ain hi a($ono%' an! hi !i#ni$'0
In %' e2+erien.e/ $hi &in! of non.onfron$a$ional a++roa.h reall'
!oe +ro!(.e *e$$er re(l$)an!/ in $he *ar#ain/ &ee+ $he %oo!
+leaan$ an! $he rela$ionhi+ rela$i-el' (n.a$he!0 9In fa.$/ $he a%e
re3(e$6an!6%o-e6a,a' $ra$e#' .an *e effe.$i-e ,hen (e! *'
.la6roo% $ea.her0:
AG
B($ i$ !oe re3(ire .oni!era*le elf6re$rain$
a ,ell a +lain ol! +a$ien.e0 E+e.iall' ,i$h 'o(n#er .hil!ren/ ,e
.an1$ e2+e.$ in$an$ .o%+lian.e on e-er' o..aion/ no %a$$er ,ha$ o(r
+aren$in# $'le %a' *e0 We ha-e $o *e +re+are! $o re+ea$ $he re3(e$
or +rohi6*i$ion 9alon# ,i$h $he reaon for i$: e-eral $i%e0 We ha-e $o
allo, for *a! !a'0 I$1 (nreali$i. $o e2+e.$ $ha$ .hil!ren ,ill al,a'
o*e'/ an! i$1 !e$r(.$i-e $o $hin& of $hee i%+ae a *a$$le $ha$ ,e
%($ al,a' ,in0 Re%e%*er/ $he $ra!i$ional %e$ho! reall' !on1$ ,or&
*e$6$er in $he lon# r(n/ an! $he' .an !o an a,f(l lo$ of har%0
C0 BE HONEST WITH THEM0
If ,ha$ 'o(1re a&in# 'o(r .hil! $o !o in1$ %(.h f(n/ a.&no,le!#e
$ha$ fa.$0 If 'o( ,an$ hi% $o *e 3(ie$ ;($ *e.a(e 'o(1-e ha! eno(#h
r(.&( for one !a'/ a' o0 Don1$ in-en$ %ore6i%+rei-e6o(n!in#
;(6$ifi.a$ion for 'o(r re3(e$/ or +re$en! $ha$ o%e$hin# 'o(1re $ellin#
hi% $o !o ,ill *e en;o'a*le ,hen $ha$1 (nli&el' $o *e $r(e0 Tr' $o ee
$hin# fro% hi +oin$ of -ie, 9%ore a*o($ $ha$ in $he follo,in# .ha+6
$er:/ an! .a+$(re $ha$ +er+e.$i-e in 'o(r ,or!7 "I &no, i$1 fr($ra$6
in# ,hen 'o( .an1$ =na%e of !eire! a.$i-i$'>/ ,ee$ie/ an! 'o(
+ro*a*l' ,ih I1! ;($ lea-e 'o( alone/ h(h@ B($ 0 0 05
E0 EKPLAIN THE RATIONALE0
"Be.a(e I ai! o5 i no$ a reaon a$ allN i$1 an a++eal $o *r($e for.e
an! a ,a' of $ea.hin# .hil!ren $o rel' on i$ $he%el-e0 I$1 *e$$er no$ onl'
$o a-oi! $ha$ +hrae *($ $o %a&e a +oin$ of offerin# reaon0 Mo$ of o(r
re3(e$ .an *e e2+laine! e-en $o $,o6'ear6ol! in ,or! $he'
8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N
.an a$ lea$ +ar$l' #ra+0 9"Yo(r *ro$her1 ,ai$in# for ( $o +i.& hi% (+ a$
.hoolN if ,e !on1$ #o #e$ hi% no,/ he ,on1$ &no, ,here ,e are an! he1ll
*e a!05: Offerin# e2+lana$ion !oen1$ #(aran$ee $ha$ a .hil! ,ill
.heerf(ll' a..e+$ o(r !e%an!);($ a i$ ,o(l!n1$ al,a' ,or& if
o%eone ,ere $ellin# ( ,e ha! $o !o $hi/ or .o(l!n1$ !o $ha$)*($ i$
%a&e a..e+$an.e a lo$ %ore li&el'0 In an' .ae/ +eo+le of an' a#e are
en$i$le! $o a reaon ,hen o%eone i li%i$in# $heir o+$ion0
D0 TURN IT INTO A GAME0
Ue 'o(r i%a#ina$ion $o hel+ .hil!ren fin! o%e en;o'%en$ in
!oin# $hin# $ha$ aren1$ in$rini.all' all $ha$ !eli#h$f(l0 When 'o(n# &i!
rei$ *r(hin# $heir $ee$h/ 'o( .an en.o(ra#e $he% $o li$en for $he
o(n! of *ri$le on ena%el/ ,hi.h +ro-i!e in$an$ e-i!en.e $ha$
$he'1re (..ee!in# in #e$$in# ri! of '(.&' $(ff0 More ela*ora$e #a%e
%a' in.l(!e +lane 9!i#(ie! a $oo$h*r(he: re+ea$e!l' $a&in# off
an! lan!in# in $he %o($h0 In-en$ 'o(r o,n -aria$ion)or/ *e$$er 'e$/
a& $he .hil! $o !o o0 Ol!er &i!/ %ean,hile/ .an *e in-i$e! $o $hin& of
-ario( ,a' $o !o a #i-en .hore/ or $o .al.(la$e ho, %(.h $i%e i$
$a&e $o !o i$ $hi ,a' -er( $ha$ ,a'0
G0 SET AN EKAMPLE0
A!(l$ !on1$ ha-e $o follo, all $he a%e r(le $ha$ .hil!ren !o/ *($
%o$ r(le o(#h$ $o a++l' $o (/ $oo0 If ,e1re a&in# $he% $o .lean (+
af$er $he%el-e or $(rn off $he li#h$ ,hen $he' lea-e $he roo%/ if ,e1re
$ellin# $he% no$ $o in$err(+$ or ,ear or (e an in(l$in# $one/ $hen ,e
ho(l! !o li&e,ie0 A+ar$ fro% i%+le fairne/ i$1 eaier $o #e$ &i! $o
!o o%e$hin# $ha$ ,e o(rel-e are ,illin# $o !o0
F0 GIVE THEM AS MU8H 8HOI8E AS POSSIBLE0
Wi$hin $he .on$rain$ of ,ha$ $he' ha-e $o !o/ a& $he% ho, $he'
,an$ $o !o i$/ or ,here/ or ,hen/ or ,i$h ,ho%0 On.e 'o( $ar$ $o
AJD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$hin& .rea$i-el' a*o($ $hee i(e)an!/ a#ain/ ha-e 'o(r &i!
;oin 'o( in !oin# o)i$1 a%aMin# ho, %(.h o++or$(ni$' $here i
for !e.i6ion %a&in# e-en ,hen $he *o$$o% line i $ha$ o%e$hin#
%($ *e !one0
AF
Thee half6!oMen (##e$ion .an of$en *e (e! in
.o%*ina$ion0 For e2a%+le/ (++oe a .hil! rei$ ,ahin# her
han! *efore !inner0 A +aren$ %i#h$ a'/ "Well/ I &no, ,ha$ 'o(1re
!oin# ri#h$ no, i %ore f(n $han .o%in# o-er $o $he in&/ *($ 'o(r
han! !o ha-e $o *e ,ahe! o $ha$ 'o( !on1$ #e$ i.& fro% ea$in#
!ir$0 If 'o(r han! aren1$ .lean/ $hen 'o(r %o($h %i#h$ *e ha++'
,i$h ,ha$ 'o( ea$/ *($ 'o(r $(%%' ,ill #e$ (+e$0 =O+$ional7 Iner$
'o(r i%+reion of a $(%%' +ro$e$6in# in a f(nn' -oi.e0> So ,o(l!
'o( li&e $o ,ah $he% here in $he &i$.hen or in $he *a$hroo%@5
O$her .hoi.e .an *e +ro-i!e!/ $oo7 "Wo(l! 'o( li&e $o ,ah $he%
*' 'o(relf/ or ,o(l! 'o( li&e $o ,ah $he% ,i$h %e@ 9I al,a'
,ah %' han! *efore I ea$/ $oo0:5 "Wo(l! 'o( li&e $o (e $he in&
or ,ih $he% aro(n! in a *i# *o,l ,i$h *(*6*le@5 An! o on0
On o..aion .hil!ren ,ill !o $hin# $ha$ are a*ol($el'
(na..e+$a*le an! ,e i%+l' %($ $h,ar$ $heir in$en$ion0 The' %a'
e2+erien.e o(r in$er-en$ion a a +(nih%en$/ ,hi.h %a&e i$
har!er $o a!!re $he (n!erl'in# i(e .al%l' or $o a-oi!
!a%a#in# $he rela$ionhi+0 For $ha$ reaon/ $he (e of o($ri#h$
.oer.ion i a la$ reor$/ a $ra$e#' $o *e (e! rel(.$an$l' an!
rarel'0 When i$ i a*ol($el' ne.ear'/ ,e ho(l! !o e-er'$hin#
+oi*le $o of$en $he *lo, an! %ini%iMe $he +(ni$i-e i%+a.$ of
(.h a %o-e0 O(r $one ho(l! *e ,ar% an! re#re$6f(l an! alo
.onfi!en$ $ha$ ,e .an e-en$(all' ol-e $he +ro*le% $o#e$her0
F(r$her%ore/ ,e ho(l! loo& for ,a' $o hel+ $he .hil! re.lai% hi
!i#ni$' an! a ene of +o$en.'0 If ,e1re no$ .o%for$a*le le$$in# a
$,el-e6'ear6ol! a$$en! an (n(+er-ie! +ar$'/ an! if $ha$ !e.iion +ro6
-o&e *i$$er reen$%en$/ +erha+ $here1 ano$her +ar$ of hi life ,here
,e .an offer hi% %ore .on$rol0 We %i#h$ le$ hi% ha-e %ore a' a*o($
8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N
hi ,ar!ro*e/ or hi .(rfe,/ or hi (e of $he .o%+($er0 If 'o( ,an$
a fan.' na%e for $hi/ .all i$ ".o%+ena$or' a($ono%' (++or$05
When I ,a !oin# an erran! one !a' ,i$h %' $hree6'ear6ol!
!a(#h$er/ he ref(e! $o ,al& *a.& $o $he .ar an! hel! a i$6!o,n
$ri&e ri#h$ $here on $he i!e,al&0 L(.&il'/ I ,an1$ in a h(rr'/ o I
re%aine! +leaan$ an! ;($ ,ai$e! her o($0 E-en$(all' he $oo! (+
an! $o%+e! her ,a' *a.&/ ref(in# $o +ea& $o %e0 I ha! a-oi!e!
!oin# an'$hin# o-er$l' .oer.i-e/ *($ $he reali$' ,a $ha$ I #o$ %' ,a'/
he !i!n1$ #e$ her/ an! he ,an1$ ha++' a*o($ i$0 When ,e +(lle!
in$o $he #ara#e/ he anno(n.e! $ha$ he ,an$e! $o $a' in $he .ar an!
li$en $o %(i.0 No$ onl' !i! I le$ her !o o for lon#er $han I or!inar6il'
,o(l! ha-e/ *($ I -ii$e! her +erio!i.all' $o a& if he ,a rea!' $o
.o%e in 'e$0 M' in$en$ ,a $o %a&e (re he &ne,)an! $ha$ he
&ne, I &ne,)$ha$ i$ ,a her !e.iion0 A#ain/ $he i!ea i i%+le7
When 'o( %($ a.$ in a ,a' $ha$ !i%inihe a &i!1 ene of elf6
!e$er%ina$ion o-er here/ %a&e an effor$ $o $ren#$hen i$ o-er $here0
The +ai-e6a##rei-e re+one of a i$6!o,n $ri&e/ of .o(re/
!oen1$ $e$ ( a in$enel' a !oe $he a.$i-e6a##rei-e re+one of
a f(ll6*lo,n $an$r(%0 So%e $ho(#h$f(l a($hor ee $an$r(% a i%+or6
$an$ for heal$h' !e-elo+%en$/ ,hile o$her re#ar! $he% a a i#n $ha$
.hil!ren are fr($ra$e! ,i$h $heir +aren$1 *eha-ior)-er' li&el' for
#oo! reaon)an! !on1$ &no, ho, ele $o e2+re $ha$ fr($ra$ion0
Perha+ ea.h of $hee -ie, .a+$(re +ar$ of $he $r($hN +erha+
$an$r(% aren1$ ine-i$a*le or e+e.iall' !eira*le/ on $he one han!/ *($
aren1$ ne.earil' an in!i.a$ion of *a! +aren$in#/ on $he o$her0 In an'
.ae/ ,ha$ %a$$er i $ha$ if an! ,hen $he' !o o..(r/ ,e re+on! a
.on$r(.$i-el' a +oi*le0
R(le n(%*er one7 If 'o(1re in +(*li./ i#nore e-er'one aro(n!
'o(0 The %ore ,orrie! 'o( are a*o($ ho, o$her +eo+le ,ill ;(!#e
'o(r +aren$in# &ill/ $he #rea$er $he .han.e $ha$ 'o(1ll re+on!
,i$h $oo %(.h .on$rol an! $oo li$$le lo-e an! +a$ien.e0 Thi i no$
a*o($ ,ha$ +eo+le $hin& of 'o(N i$1 a*o($ ,ha$ 'o(r .hil! nee!0
R(le n(%*er $,o7 I%a#ine ho, $hi loo& fro% her +oin$ of -ie,0
So%eone ha-in# a $an$r(% i -er' li&el' afrai! of her o,n ra#e/ $er6
AJF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
rifie! of *ein# o($ of .on$rol0 8one3(en$l'/ 'o( !o her no fa-or *'
i#norin# her or *' re+on!in# harhl'0 Ue onl' $he %ini%(%
.on$rol ne.ear' $o %a&e (re $ha$ +eo+le 9an!/ le i%+or$an$l'/
+ro+er$': aren1$ in !an#er0 Fo.( on +ro-i!in# .o%for$ an! .al%
rea(ran.e0 Le$ $he $an$r(% +la' i$elf o($0 La$er/ 'o( .an $r' $o
a!!re $he (n!er6l'in# .a(e $o#e$her0
Trying "t <ut
One of %' o*;e.$i-e in $hi .ha+$er ha *een $o %a&e i$ .lear ;($
ho, of$en ,e e2.l(!e o(r .hil!ren fro% %a&in# .hoi.e $ha$
$he'1re .a+a6*le of %a&in#/ $here*' %iin# o++or$(ni$ie $o hel+
$he% learn an! $o %ee$ $heir nee! for a($ono%'0 To $ha$ en!/ I1-e
offere! o%e real6life e2a%+le of le$$in# .hil!ren .hooe0
The $ro(*le i $ha$ I ha-e no ,a' of &no,in# ,he$her an' of $hoe
e2a%+le are rele-an$ $o your life0 If ,e ,ere i$$in# in $he a%e roo%/
I1! *e a*le $o a& 'o( a*o($/ an! re+on! $o/ 'o(r +e.ifi. .on.ern0
Perha+ I .o(l! %a&e o%e (##e$ion/ *ae! on 'o(r (ni3(e i$(a6
$ion/ for ho, $o hel+ 'o(r .hil! +ar$i.i+a$e %ore of$en or %ore i#6
nifi.an$l'0 Thi *ein# a *oo& an! no$ a ,or&ho+/ ho,e-er/ $he *e$ I
.an !o i $o $(rn $he la$ +ar$ of $hi .ha+$er o-er $o 'o(0 In ea.h of $he
follo,in# $hree a.$i-i$ie/ I1! re.o%%en! $ha$ 'o( in-ol-e 'o(r +o(e
or +ar$ner/ or %a'*e e-en a frien! ,ho i alo a +aren$0
EKER8ISE A
To *e#in ,i$h/ i$ %a' *e hel+f(l $o .o%e (+ ,i$h o%e
re+one $o .o%%on .enario0 The +oin$ i $o #e$ in $he ha*i$ of
!e-iin# ,or&in#6,i$h $ra$e#ie an! $o ee ho, $he' !iffer fro%
$he %ore .o%6%on !oin#6$o re+one0
Exa-ple !+ Yo(r .hil! rei$ #oin# $o *e!/ fir$ +re$en!in# no$ $o
hear 'o( anno(n.e $ha$ i$1 *e!$i%e/ $hen *e##in# for a fe, %ore %in6
($e/ $hen ini$in# $ha$ $here1 onl' one la$ li$$le6*i$$' $hin# $ha$ nee!
8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N
$o *e finihe!/ $hen ar#(in# $ha$ i$1 no$ fair $o ha-e $o #o $o *e! o
earl'/ an! finall' ;($ ref(in# in an an#r' -oi.e0
Li$ a fe, .on-en$ional !oin#6$o re+one7
No, $r' $o $hin& of a .o(+le of ,or&in#6,i$h al$erna$i-e7
Exa-ple B+ La$el'/ 'o(r .hil! ha *e#(n $o a!o+$ an in(l$in#
$one in .on-era$ion ,i$h 'o()or/ +erha+/ ,i$h a i*lin#0
A#ain/ li$ o%e !oin#6$o re+one7
AJJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
An! li$ o%e ,or&in#6,i$h al$erna$i-e7
EKER8ISE C
No, $hin& of o%e$hin# $ha$ your .hil! ha *een !oin# $ha$
*o$h6er or ,orrie 'o(0 I$ .an *e an i(e !i.(e! in $hi *oo&
or o%e6$hin# I1-e ne#le.$e! $o %en$ion0
Fir$/ !e.ri*e $he +ro*le%0
Le$1 a(%e $ha$ *' no, 'o( ha-e a +re$$' #oo! i!ea of ,ha$
no$ $o !o0 Ta&e a %(.h $i%e a 'o( nee!)%in($e/ ho(r/ e-en
!a')$o in-en$ a .o(+le of i!ea $ha$ %i#h$ ;($ *e %ore
(..ef(l0 <o$ $he% !o,n here0
8 H O I 8 E S F O R 8 H I L D R E N
8ir.le or (n!erline one i!ea on $he li$ $ha$ 'o(1re a.$(all' #oin#
$o $r'0 Then #o $r' i$0 Af$er eno(#h $i%e ha +ae!/ %a&e a no$e
a*o($ ho, ,ell i$ ,or&e!)an!/ +erha+/ ,ha$ 'o( %i#h$ !o
!ifferen$l' ne2$ $i%e $o i%+ro-e i$ effe.$i-ene0
Re+ea$ $hi +ro.e one or $,o %ore $i%e/ if 'o( fin! i$ (ef(l0
EKER8ISE E
No, $ha$ 'o(1-e rea! a*o($ ,or&in#6,i$h $ra$e#ie/ .rea$e!
o%e of 'o(r o,n/ an! finall' .rea$e! o%e in re+one $o real
+ro*le% 'o(1-e *een e2+erien.in# ,i$h 'o(r .hil!/ i$1 $i%e for $he
la$ $e+) !e-iin# ,or&in#6,i$h $ra$e#ie no$ onl' for 'o(r .hil!
*($ %ith 'o(r .hil!0
If 'o(1! li&e $o !o $hi ,i$h a +ro*le% o$her $han $he one 'o(
(e! in $he la$ e2er.ie/ !e.ri*e $ha$ ne, +ro*le%0
AIB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
When $he $i%e i ri#h$/ a& 'o(r .hil! $o $hin& a*o($ ,ha$ %i#h$
*e a #oo! ,a' $o !eal ,i$h $hi i(e0 Tr' $o eli.i$ $,o or $hree
i!ea an! ,ri$e $he% !o,n0
A0
C0
E0
To#e$her ,i$h 'o(r .hil!/ +i.& one of $hee i!ea $ha$ ee%
e+e6.iall' +ro%iin#0 Then $r' i$ o($0
Finall'/ ,ri$e !o,n ho, ,ell i$ ,or&e!)an!/ a#ain/ ,ha$ 'o(
an! 'o(r .hil! *elie-e %i#h$ *e a *e$$er ,a' of i%+le%en$in# $he
a%e i!ea ne2$ $i%e0
AB
THE 8HILD1S PERSPE8TIVE
H
o, !o ,e raie o(r .hil!ren $o *e ha++'@ Tha$1 an i%+or$an$
3(e$ion/ *($ here1 ano$her one7 Ho, !o ,e raie o(r .hil!ren
$o *e .on.erne! a*o($ ,he$her other +eo+le are ha++'@
A
I$1 i%+or$an$ $ha$ ,e !on1$ allo, $he fir$ i(e $o (+$a#e $he e.6
on!)or/ for $ha$ %a$$er/ $ha$ ,e !on1$ +en! %ore ener#' $r'in# $o #e$
&i! $o *e +oli$e an! ,ell *eha-e! $han on $r'in# $o hel+ $he% *e.o%e
#en(inel' .o%+aiona$e an! .o%%i$$e! $o !oin# $he ri#h$ $hin#0 We
nee! $o fo.( on o(r .hil!ren1 %oral !e-elo+%en$0
To !o o i $o re.a$ -ario( i!ea $ha$ are !i.(e! in o$her
+ar6en$in# *oo&0 For e2a%+le/ "*o(n!arie5 an! "li%i$5 are
((all' $ho(#h$ of a re$ri.$ion $ha$ a!(l$ i%+oe on .hil!ren0
B($ ho(l!n1$ o(r #oal *e for $he .hil!ren $o refrain fro% !oin#
.er$ain $hin# no$ *e.a(e ,e1-e for*i!!en $he%/ *($ ;($ *e.a(e
$he'1re ,ron#@ The li%i$ on &i!1 *eha-ior/ in o$her ,or!/ ho(l!
*e e2+erien.e! a in$rini. $o $he i$(a$ion0 We ,an$ $he% $o a&
"Ho, ,ill !oin# x %a&e $ha$ o$her &i! feel@5)no$ "A% I allo,e! $o
!o x98 or "Will I #e$ in $ro(*le for !oin# x98
Thi i an a%*i$io( #oal/ *($ no$ an (nreali$i. one *e.a(e ,e
ha-e #oo! %a$erial $o ,or& ,i$h0 H(%an *ein# are *orn ,i$h $he
.a+a.i$' $o .are0 Th(/ +aren$ ho+in# $o raie a .hil! ,ho i re+on6
AIC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
i-e $o $he nee! of o$her alrea!' ha-e "an all' ,i$hin $he .hil!/5
a Mar$in Hoff%an on.e +($ i$0
Of .o(re/ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean $ha$ &i! ,ill a($o%a$i.all' #ro, in$o
e$hi.al +eo+le if lef$ $o $heir o,n !e-i.e0 The' nee! o(r hel+0 To
*e#in ,i$h/ $he' nee! ( $o $o+ !oin# $hin# $ha$ in$erfere ,i$h %oral
#ro,$h/ $hin# li&e +(nih%en$ an! re,ar!/ ,hi.h are roo$e! in)
an! (n!er.ore a .hil!1 +reo..(+a$ion ,i$h)elf6in$ere$0 The eli%6
ina$ion of $hee $a+le of $ra!i$ional !i.i+line i an i%+or$an$ $e+
$o,ar! hel+in# .hil!ren *e.o%e a$$(ne! $o $he ,ell6*ein# of o$her0
B($ i$1 onl' a in#le $e+0 The (*$ra.$ion of *a! +aren$in# +ra.$i.e
%($ *e a..o%+anie! *' $he a!!i$ion of #oo! one0
5oral ids
U(i$e a lo$ of reear.h on $hi $o+i. ha *een .on!(.$e! *' .hil!
!e-el6o+%en$ +e.iali$/ an! +ar$i.(larl' *' $hoe ,ho fo.( on
,ha$1 .alle! "+roo.ial5 *eha-ior0 If ,e if$ $hro(#h $he !a$a/ i$1
+oi*le $o !i$ill e-eral &e' re.o%%en!a$ion for +ro%o$in#
%oral #ro,$h0
C
9An!/ *' $he ,a'/ i$1 no$ a .oin.i!en.e $ha$ $hee
i$e% o-erla+ (*6$an$iall' ,i$h o%e of $he (n.on!i$ional
+aren$in# +rin.i+le +re6en$e! in .ha+$er H0:
A0 8ARE ABOUT THEM0
The .orner$one of %oral !e-elo+%en$ i $he .onne.$ion *e$,een
+aren$ an! .hil!0 All in$r(.$ion an! in$er-en$ion %($ *e ne$e! in a
rela$ionhi+ $ha$ feel ,ar%/ afe/ an! (n.on!i$ionall' lo-in# $o $he .hil!0
The a%e ,or! &ee+ .o%in# (+ in #(i!eline for raiin# a %oral .hil!
$ha$ are offere! *' !ifferen$ e2+er$7 e.(re a$$a.h%en$/ n(r$(r6an.e/
re+e.$/ re+oni-ene/ an! e%+a$h'0 Thee are *ai. nee! $ha$ all
h(%an *ein# ha-e0 When $hee nee! are %e$/ a .hil! i free! fro%
ha-in# $o *e +reo..(+ie! ,i$h $he% an! .an *e o+en $o hel+in# o$h6er0
B($ if $hee nee! are no$ %e$/ $he' %a' .on$in(e $o re-er*era$e in
T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E
$he .hil!1 ear/ ,i$h $he re(l$ $ha$ he or he i !eaf $o o$her
+eo+le1 .rie of !i$re0
8hil!ren ,ho &no, $he'1re lo-e! feel afer an! le !efeni-e0
Therefore/ $he' $en! $o *e *ol!er a*o($ rea.hin# o($ $o o$her)
in.l(!in# +eo+le ,ho are !ifferen$ fro% $he%el-e0 An! $here1 a ni.e
*on(7 8hil!ren ,ho are e.(rel' a$$a.he! $o $heir +aren$ are no$
onl' %ore re+oni-e $o o$herN $he'1re alo %ore li&el' $o *e
aer$i-e an! in!e+en!en$/ $o !i$in#(ih $he%el-e a o.iall'
.o%+e$en$ an! +'.holo#i.all' heal$h' on a ran#e of %ea(re0
C0 SHOW THEM HOW A MORAL PERSON LIVES0
E-en *efore $he'1re $ea!' on $heir fee$/ .hil!ren are oa&in# (+
'o(r -al(e0 The'1re learnin# fro% 'o( ho, $o *e a h(%an *ein#0 If
$he' ee 'o( non.halan$l' ,al& *' o%eone in $ro(*le/ $he' learn $ha$
o$her +eo+le1 +ain i no *(ine of $heir0 B($ if $he' ee 'o( ho,6
in# .on.ern/ e-en for $ran#er/ $ha$ $ea.he a +o,erf(l %oral leon0
S$(!ie ha-e ho,n $ha$ .hil!ren are %ore li&el' $o !ona$e $o .hari$' if
$he'1-e ,a$.he! o%eone ele !o o/ e-en if i$ ,a a lon# $i%e a#o0
The effe.$ on .hil!ren1 *eha-ior an! *elief i +ar$i.(larl'
+rono(n.e! if $he e2a%+le i e$ *' +eo+le ,ho% $he .hil! re#ar! a
,ar% an! n(r$(rin#0 Si%ilarl'/ +aren$ ,ho ,an$ $o $ea.h $he
i%+or$an.e of hone$' %a&e i$ a +ra.$i.e ne-er $o lie $o $heir .hil!ren/
e-en ,hen i$ ,o(l! *e eaier ;($ $o .lai% $ha$ $here are no .oo&ie
lef$ ra$her $han $o e2+lain ,h' $he' .an1$ ha-e ano$her one0
We .an alo e$ an e2a%+le *' ho,in# &i! $ha$ no$ all e$hi.al
!e.iion are ea' .all0 I$ .an *e $erri*l' !iffi.(l$ $o #ra++le ,i$h a i$6
(a$ion $ha$ ee% $o +i$ $,o -al(e 9a'/ hone$' an! .o%+aion:
a#ain$ one ano$her0 I$ .an alo *e har! $o &no, ho, %(.h ,ei#h$ $o
#i-e ano$her +eron1 +referen.e ,hen 'o(1! ra$her !o o%e$hin#
ele0 Ta&e .hil!ren "*a.&$a#e5 an! le$ $he% ee ho, 'o( $hin&)an!
feel)'o(r ,a' $hro(#h a !ile%%a0 The' %a' learn o%e$hin# a*o($
$he +ro.e *' ,hi.h 'o( $r' $o li-e a %oral life/ *($/ %ore i%+or$an$/
$he'1ll fi#(re o($ $ha$ %orali$' i rarel' .($6an!6!rie!0
194 U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
3. LET THEM PRA8TI8E0
A i%+or$an$ a i$ i $o ,a$.h/ +eo+le alo learn *' !oin#0 There6
fore/ i$ %a&e ene $o #i-e .hil!ren +len$' of o++or$(ni$ie $o hel+0 If
&i! are re+oni*le for loo&in# o($ for a 'o(n#er i*lin# or $a&in# .are
of a +e$/ $he'1re +ro-i!e! ,i$h a li-in# leon in $he effe.$ of .arin#0
The'1-e no$ onl' hear! a*o($ i$ an! een i$)$he'1-e !one i$0 Thi alo
lea! $he% $o !efine $he%el-e a hel+f(l +eo+le0
Tha$1 one reaon $he *e$ $ea.her arran#e $heir .laroo% o
$ha$ .hil!ren fre3(en$l' learn fro% one ano$her0 Li$erall' h(n!re! of
$(!6ie ha-e ho,n $ha$ $(!en$ $hin& %ore !ee+l' ,hen $he' .an
+ool $heir reo(r.e/ +($ $heir hea! $o#e$her/ an! ;oin$l' !e-ie
+ro*le%6ol-in# $ra$e#ie0 B($ $he' alo learn o%e$hin# $ha$ #oe
far *e'on! a.a!e%i.7 The' learn $o .are a*o($ o$her +eo+le0
8oo+era$ion i an een$iall' h(%aniMin# e2+erien.e $ha$ +re!i+oe
+ar$i.i+an$ $o a *ene-olen$ -ie, of o$her0 I$ en.o(ra#e $r($/
eni$i-i$'/ o+en .o%6%(ni.a$ion/ an!/ (l$i%a$el'/ hel+f(lne0 B'
.on$ra$/ raiin# or $ea.h6in# .hil!ren in a .o%+e$i$i-e or %o$l'
in!i-i!(ali$i. en-iron%en$ no$ onl' !e+ri-e $he% of $hee *enefi$
*($ i a.$(all' !e$r(.$i-e0 In fa.$/ one #ro(+ of reear.her .on.l(!e!
$ha$ ".o%+e$i$ion %a' er-e $o (++re #eneroi$' $o o$her $o a
#rea$er e2$en$ $han .oo+era$ion er-e $o enhan.e i$05
E
D0 TALK WITH THEM0
For +aren$/ $here are $,o *ai. al$erna$i-e $o $he (e of +o,er7
lo-e an! reaon0 The i!eal i $o +ro-i!e o%e *len! of $he $,o/ one
!ra,in# fro% $he hear$ an! $he o$her fro% $he hea!0 Un.on!i$ional
lo-e/ of .o(re/ ha *een a .en$ral $he%e of $hi *oo&0 B($ ,e alo
nee! $o (n!er$an! $he i%+or$an.e of reaon/ an! +e.ifi.all' i$
rele-an.e $o %oral !e-elo+%en$0 Be.a(e i$1 a *i$ %ore .o%+li.a$e!
$han $he +re-io( $hree i$e%/ I ,an$ $o lin#er on i$ a *i$ lon#er0
Paren$ ,ho are erio( a*o($ raiin# .hil!ren $o *e !e.en$ +eo6+le
+en! an a,f(l lo$ of $i%e #(i!in# $he% an! e2+lainin# $hin# $o $he%0 I$1
no$ eno(#h for ( $o ha-e #oo! -al(eN $hee -al(e %($ *e
T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E
.o%%(ni.a$e! !ire.$l' an! in a ,a' $ha$1 fi$$e! $o $he .hil!1 a*ili$'
$o (n!er$an!0 If ,e fail $o !o $hi/ o(r &i! ,ill $ill *e infl(en.e! *'
(/ onl' no$ in $he ,a' ,e1! ho+e!0 For e2a%+le/ $o a' no$hin#
,hen a .hil! a.$ elfihl' i $o en! a .lear %ea#e/ an! $ha$
%ea#e ha %ore $o !o ,i$h $he a..e+$a*ili$' of elfihne $han
i$ !oe ,i$h $he -ir$(e of nonin$r(i-e +aren$in#0
We nee! $o e$a*lih .lear %oral #(i!eline/ $o *e e2+li.i$ a*o($
,ha$ ,e e2+e.$/ *($ in a ,a' $ha$ %ini%iMe .oer.ion0 Ye/ $here ha
$o *e o%e for.e *ehin! ,ha$ ,e a' $o $he% 9a*o($ ho, o$her +eo6
+le ho(l!/ an! ho(l!n1$/ *e $rea$e!:/ *($ i$1 i%+or$an$ $ha$ for.e i$elf
!oen1$ *e.o%e $he %ea#e0 If i$ !oe/ ,e .rea$e a .li%a$e of fear
$ha$ #e$ in $he ,a' of learnin#0 If ,e lea! &i! $o ,orr' $ha$ !oin# *a!
$hin# ,ill re(l$ in $he ,i$h!ra,al of o(r lo-e/ all ,e *(' i $e%6+orar'
.o%+lian.e ,i$ho($ (n!er$an!in# or in$rini. %o$i-a$ion0
B($ le$1 $a&e $hi a $e+ f(r$her0 Moral learnin# no$ onl' !oen1$
.o%e fro% 'ellin#/ i$ !oen1$ e-en .o%e fro% $ellin#0 A i%+le +rohi6
*i$ion 9"Don1$ !o $ha$5: in1$ -er' hel+f(l0 In fa.$/ i$ %a' %a&e a .hil!
%ore ,ar' in #eneral/ le li&el' $o rea.h o($ e-en $o hel+0
D
A li#h$l'
%ore +e.ifi. en$en.e (.h a "We !on1$ hi$ +eo+le45 in1$ %(.h *e$6
$er0 To (++or$ %oral !e-elo+%en$/ o(r %ea#e .an1$ *e i%+l' $ha$
hi$$in# i *a!)or $ha$ harin# i #oo!0 Wha$ .o(n$ i hel+in# &i! $o
(n!er$an! %hy $hee $hin# are $r(e0 When 'o( !on1$ e2+lain ,h'/
$he !efa(l$ reaon no$ $o hi$ i $ha$ 'o(1ll *e +(nihe! if 'o( !o0
G
B' +a$ien$l' la'in# o($ reaon/ ,e a..o%+lih $,o $hin# a$ on.e0
Fir$/ ,e le$ &i! &no, ,ha$1 i%+or$an$ $o ( an! ,h'0 Se.on!/ ,e
en#a#e $heir %in!/ hel+in# $he% $o refle.$ on)in!ee!/ $o ,re$le
,i$h)%oral 3(e$ion0 The (e of reaon +ro%o$e in!e+en!en$
$ho(#h$ an! %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ ,hile ,e ,an$ $o infl(en.e o(r .hil6
!ren/ ,e alo ,an$ $he% $o $hin& for $he%el-e0 Thee effe.$ ha-e
*een *orne o($ *' reear.h7 On.e $he'1-e #ro,n (+/ .hil!ren ,hoe
+aren$ offere! e2+lana$ion ra$her $han ;($ !e%an!in# o*e!ien.e
$(rn o($ $o *e %ore in.line! $o a.$ al$r(i$i.all' ,hen i$ reall' .o(n$
9a..or!in# $o one $(!': an! are %ore li&el' $o *e.o%e +oli$i.all'
a.$i-e an! in-ol-e! in o.ial er-i.e a.$i-i$ie 9a..or!in# $o ano$her:0
F
AIF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
So7 Be$$er $han 'ellin# i $ellin#0 Be$$er $han $ellin# i e2+lainin#0
No, le$1 a!!7 Be$$er $han e2+lainin#)or *e$$er $han only e2+lain6in#
)i !i.(in#0 Learnin# an'$hin# 9a'/ %a$h: i no$ %o$l' a %a$6$er
of re.ei-in# infor%a$ion0 Peo+le aren1$ +ai-e re.e+$a.le in$o ,hi.h
&no,le!#e i +o(re!0 We (n!er$an! i!ea *' a.$i-el' %a&in# ene
of $he% fro% $he ini!e o($0 Wha$ i $r(e of %a$h i $r(e of -al6(e0 To
e2+lain $heir i%+or$an.e/ ho,e-er elo3(en$l'/ i (nli&el' $o lea-e
.hil!ren ,i$h a .o%%i$%en$ $o an' i!eal0 Ki! ha-e no reaon $o
.on$in(e !oin# ,ha$1 ri#h$ if $he' ha-en1$ in$e#ra$e! ,ha$ ,e1re $ellin#
$he% in$o $he ,a' $he' $hin& a*o($ $he ,orl!0 If ,e ,an$ $he% $o
*e.o%e %oral +eo+le/ a o++oe! $o +eo+le ,ho %erel' !o ,ha$
$he'1re $ol!/ $hen $he' ha-e $o *e #i-en $he .han.e $o .on$r(.$ (.h
.on.e+$ a fairne or .o(ra#e for $he%el-e0 The' ha-e $o *e a*le
$o rein-en$ $he% in li#h$ of $heir o,n e2+erien.e an! 3(e$ion/ $o fi#6
(re o($ 9,i$h o(r hel+: ,ha$ &in! of +eron one o(#h$ $o *e0
H
All of $hi i .oni$en$/ of .o(re/ ,i$h %' earlier e%+hai on (+6
+or$in# &i!1 a($ono%'0 Here/ %' +oin$ i $o e%+haiMe $he rele-an.e of
$ha$ i!ea $o %orali$'0 In!ee!/ one $(!' fo(n! $ha$ $he %o$ i%+re6i-e
%oral #ro,$h $oo& +la.e in .hil!ren 9of -ario( a#e: ,hoe +ar6en$
!i!n1$ ;($ $al& a$ $he% *($ en#a#e! in !ialo#(e ,i$h $he%0 The *e$
re(l$ .a%e ,hen +aren$ ,ere (++or$i-e an! en.o(ra#in# *' "eli.i$in#
$he .hil!1 o+inion/ a&in# .larif'in# 3(e$ion/ +ara+hra6in#/ an!
.he.&in# for (n!er$an!in#05 O$her reear.h ha fo(n!/ %ore *roa!l'/
$ha$ &i! ,ho are en.o(ra#e! $o *e.o%e a.$i-el' in-ol-e! in !e.iion
%a&in# $en! $o e2hi*i$ hi#her6le-el %oral reaonin#0
J
The +ro.e of (++or$in# .hil!ren1 a($ono%' .an $a&e e-eral
for%0 A$ a %ini%(%/ ,e ,an$ $o %a&e i$ .lear $ha$ $heir o+inion
.o(n$ *' li$enin# .aref(ll' an! #i-in# $heir -ie, a re+e.$f(l hearin#0
B($ Maril'n Wa$on/ an e2+er$ on .hil! !e-elo+%en$/ alo (##e$
$ha$ ,e refrain fro% "re+on!in# ,i$h $he f(ll for.e of o(r ar#(%en$ $o
;($if' o(r o,n +oi$ion/ $here*' o-er,hel%in# .hil!ren ,i$h o(r
lo#i.05 In fa.$/ ,e ho(l! "hel+ .hil!ren !e-elo+ reaon $o (++or$
$heir o,n -ie,/ e-en if ,e !on1$ a#ree ,i$h $hoe -ie,05
Wa$on offer $he follo,in# e2a%+le7 S(++oe 'o(r .hil! ,an$
T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E
$o ,a$.h a TV +ro#ra% $ha$ 'o( feel i ina++ro+ria$e/ an! all he1
a*le $o a' $o (++or$ her +referen.e i/ "B($ all %' frien! ,a$.h i$45
S(re/ 'o( .o(l! .ore !e*a$in# +oin$ *' (in# $he ol! reductio ad
absurdu- ar#(%en$)"An! ,ha$ if all 'o(r frien! ;(%+e! off $he
roof 0 0 0 @5 B($ 'o( &no, ,ha$ he +ro*a*l' %ean 9an! i (na*le $o
e2+re:7 "I1% afrai! I1ll *e e2.l(!e! fro% $he .(l$(re of %' +eer
*e.a(e $he'1ll all hare an e2+erien.e $ha$ I ,on1$05 So re+on! $o
,ha$ 'o(r .hil! %ean)an! if 'o( aren1$ (re/ .he.& o($ 'o(r
a(%+$ion0 "Hel+ her $o ar$i.(la$e her +oi$ion/5 a' Wa$on/ "or
e-en %arhal $he *e$ ar#(%en$ 'o( .an $hin& of fro% her +er+e.6
$i-e/5 e-en if (l$i%a$el' i$1 no$ #oin# $o +re-ail)for e2a%+le/ *e.a(e/
a you0ll ar#(e/ $he +ro#ra% in 3(e$ion i i%+l' $oo -iolen$0
Re%e%*er)'o(r (l$i%a$e #oal in1$ $o #e$ 'o(r ,a'0 Ra$her/
'o( ,an$ $o le$ 'o(r .hil! &no, $ha$ he !oen1$ ha-e $o ar#(e a
,ell a 'o( !o in or!er $o *e $a&en erio(l'/ an! 'o( ,an$ $o hel+
her learn ho, $o fra%e her ar#(%en$ %ore .on-in.in#l'0 We %ant
&i! $o "$al& *a.&5 $o (/ a lon# a $he' !o o re+e.$f(ll')an!
,e ,an$ $he% $o #e$ *e$$er a$ i$0
I
The +re.e!in# e.$ion ha *een !e-o$e! $o ho,in# $ha$ $he ,a'
,e reaon ,i$h o(r .hil!ren %a$$er0 No, I ,an$ $o a!! $ha$/ alon#
,i$h $he $'le of o(r e2+lana$ion/ ,e nee! $o +a' a$$en$ion $o $he
.on$en$0 I ai! earlier $ha$ i$1 no$ eno(#h $o $ell &i! i$1 ,ron# $o
h(r$N ,e nee! $o hel+ $he% $hin& a*o($ %hy i$1 ,ron#0
O&a'/ o ,h' i i$ ,ron#@
One +oi*le an,er .oni$ of an a++eal $o elf6in$ere$0 A I1-e
no$e!/ $ha$1 $he an,er #i-en *' +(nih%en$/ ,i$ho($ o(r ha-in# $o
+($ i$ in$o ,or!0 Ki! learn $ha$ $he reaon no$ $o !o o%e$hin# h(r$6
f(l i $ha$ if $he'1re .a(#h$/ $he'1ll *e %a!e $o (ffer0 So%e +aren$ (e
e2+lana$ion ra$her $han hea-'6han!e! $hrea$/ *($ $he reaon $he'
offer $(rn o($ $o in-o&e $he a%e *ai. %o$i-e0 "If 'o(1re na$' ,i$h
'o(r .la%a$e/ no one1 #oin# $o ,an$ $o *e 'o(r frien!05 "If 'o(
+(h o$her +eo+le/ one of $hee !a' o%eone i #oin# $o +(h 'o(
AIJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
*a.&)or ,ore05 Si%ilarl'/ (.h +aren$ %a' e2+lain $ha$ $he reaon
$o hel+ o$her i $ha$ $he .hil! ,ill (l$i%a$el' *enefi$7 "If 'o( #i-e Mar6
ha a $(rn on 'o(r .oo$er/ %a'*e he1ll le$ 'o( +la' ,i$h her Le#o
la$er05 In o$her ,or!/ +eo+le ,ill $rea$ 'o( $he ,a' 'o( $rea$e! $he%0
8an 'o( ee $he +ro*le% here@ Thi $ra$e#' !oen1$ +ro%o$e
#en6(ine .on.ern for o$her a$ all0 I$ +ro%o$e elf6re#ar!in#
hre,!ne0 So%e &i! %a' *e $e%+$e! $o !o h(r$f(l $hin# if $he'
.an fi#(re o($ a ,a' $o a-oi! (fferin# an' re+er.(ion
$he%el-e)an! $he' %a' ,on!er ,h' $he' ho(l! *o$her hel+in#
o$her if $he' #e$ no$hin# in re$(rn0 Tha$1 ,h' i$1 o i%+or$an$ for
+aren$ no$ onl' $o reaon ,i$h .hil!ren *($ $o reaon ,i$h $he% in
a ,a' $ha$ hel+ $he% $o *e.o%e %oral in!i-i!(al/ no$ ;($
in!i-i!(al ,ho al,a' a&7 "Wha$1 in i$ for %e@5
In .ha+$er J/ I (##e$e! $ha$ +raie for !oin# o%e$hin# #enero(
#e$ &i! fo.(e! on our a++ro-al of $heir *eha-ior/ an! $herefore $ha$ ,e
%i#h$ in$ea! $r' $o !ra, $heir a$$en$ion $o $he effe.$ of $heir a.$ion on $he
+eron $he' hel+e!0 9"When 'o( #i-e Marha a $(rn on 'o(r .oo$er/ he
#e$ $o ha-e f(n/ $oo/ an! $ha$ %a&e her ha++'05: E2a.$l' $he a%e
a++roa.h %a&e ene ,hen &i! !o o%e$hin# h(r$f(l7 Ra$her $han
#e$$in# $he% fo.(e! on our !ia++ro-al/ ,e ho(l! #en$l' in-i$e $he% $o
$hin& a*o($ $he effe.$ on $he +eron $he' h(r$0 We %i#h$ a' $o a -er'
'o(n# .hil!7 "Oh/ no4 Loo& a$ Ma21 fa.e4 He ee% -er' (nha++'/
!oen1$ he@ Re%e%*er ho, 'o( fell !o,n la$ ,ee& an! 'o( ,ere .r'in#
*e.a(e i$ h(r$ a lo$@ I1% afrai! $ha$1 ho, 'o( %a!e Ma2 feel0 Wha$ !o
'o( $hin& 'o( .o(l! !o $o hel+ hi% feel *e$$er no,@5
"Ue 'o(r ,or!45 i a .o%%on in$r(.$ion #i-en $o %all .hil!ren/
o%e$i%e e-en ,hen $he' !on1$ reall' ha-e $he ri#h$ ,or!0 B($ $he *e$
,a' for ( $o (e our ,or! i $o hel+ &i! ee $ha$ $he reaon $o hel+)
an! no$ $o h(r$)in1$ ,ha$ $he'1ll #e$ o($ of i$/ *($ $he effe.$ $heir a.$ion
ha-e on o$her0 To +($ i$ !ifferen$l'/ I1% all in fa-or of $ea.hin# *'
".one3(en.e/5 a lon# a $he .one3(en.e ,e1re $re6in# are $hoe
e2+erien.e! *' $he +eo+le o(r .hil!ren are in$era.$in# ,i$h ra$her $han
;($ $hoe $ha$ $he' $he%el-e e2+erien.e0
Man' reear.her ha-e follo,e! Mar$in Hoff%an in referrin# $o $hi
T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E
a++roa.h a "o$her6orien$e!5 reaonin# or "in!(.$i-e5 !i.i+line 9*e.a(e
.hil!ren are in!(.e! $o $hin& a*o($ $he effe.$ of $heir a.$ion on o$her:0
Hoff%an !i.o-ere! $ha$ .hil!ren ,hoe %o$her .oni6$en$l' !i! $hi
$en!e! $o ho, "a!-an.e! %oral !e-elo+%en$05 S(*e63(en$ reear.h
ha .onfir%e! $ha$ fin!in#/ an! ,hile o%e +'.holo#i$ ha-e ar#(e!
$ha$ in!(.$ion i %o$ effe.$i-e ,i$h ol!er .hil!ren/ one $(!' fo(n! $ha$ i$
hel+ +re.hooler $o *e %ore .oo+era$i-e/ le a##rei-e/ an! +o+(lar
,i$h $heir +eer0 Ano$her $(!' !i.o-ere! $ha$ e-en $o!!ler $en!e! $o
re+on! $o o%eone in !i$re ,i$h %ore .are an! '%+a$h' if $heir
%o$her ,ere in $he ha*i$ of e2+lainin# $o $he% "$he .one3(en.e of
=$heir> *eha-ior for $he -i.$i%05
AB
O$her6orien$e! reaonin# alo %a' *e (ef(l in refra%in# $he
i(e of +oli$ene0 So%e$i%e o %(.h $re i +la.e! on
.onfor%in# $o ,ha$ are reall' ;($ ar*i$rar' o.ial .on-en$ion)
a'in# "E2.(e %e5 a$ $he +ro+er %o%en$ or $a&in# off one1 ha$ in
a .er$ain +la.e)$ha$ .hil!ren .o%e $o *elie-e $hee nor% are
%ore i%+or$an$ $han $he $hin# $ha$ reall' %a$$er0 Or/ ,ore/ $he'
#e$ $he i!ea $ha$ h(%an in$er6a.$ion i a %a$$er of +($$in# on an
a.$7 "Min! 'o(r %anner5 or "Be #oo! no,5 9a +ar$in# ,or! fro%
a +aren$: i ;($ a re%in!er $o %e%oriMe an! re.i$e .er$ain line0
Lon# a#o I -o,e! ne-er $o *e $he &in! of +aren$ ,ho +ro%+$
hi .hil!ren ,i$h a +arro$li&e "Wha!!a'a a'@5 ,hene-er $he'1re
#i-en o%e$hin#/ $he i!ea *ein# $ha$ $he' ho(l! re+on! ,i$h an
e3(all' %e.hani.al "Than& 'o(05 Li&e,ie/ I $ol! %'elf I ,o(l!
ne-er *a!#er %' .hil!ren *' .hir+in# "Wha$1 $he %a#i. ,or!@5
,hen $he' a&e! for o%e$hin#0 >Please i onl' %a#i./ of .o(re/ if
,e ref(e $o #i-e &i! ,ha$ $he' ,an$ (n$il $he' a' i$/ ,hi.h
%ean ,e1re ;($ a++ealin# $o elf6in$ere$ a#ain0:
A$ ho%e/ i$1 ea' eno(#h for %e $o %ini%iMe $hee +leaan$rie in
fa-or of %ore i%+or$an$ -al(e0 B($ I ha! $o fa.e fa.$7 E-en if I !on1$ .are
a*o($ (.h $hin#/ o$her +eo+le !o0 There1 a .o$ $o flo($in# o.ial
.on-en$ion/ an! ref(in# on +rin.i+le $o *e +oli$e i no$ ,here I ,an$ $o
%a&e %' $an!0 More $o $he +oin$/ I !on1$ ,an$ $o %a&e $hi $an! a$ %'
.hil!ren1 e2+ene0 The reali$' i $ha$ $he'1ll *e ;(!#e! an!
CBB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
fo(n! ,an$in# if $he' fail $o +rin&le $heir .on-era$ion ,i$h $he
o*li#a$or' o.ial ni.e$ie0
The ol($ion for %e .a%e fro% $hin&in# a*o($ please an! thank
you a ,a' $o %a&e +eo+le feel #oo! ra$her $han a +oli$ene for i$
o,n a&e0 I re%in! %' &i! $ha$ a'in# $hee ,or! i a ni.e $hin# $o
!o *e.a(e +eo+le li&e $o hear $he%0 S(re/ $here are %ore %eanin#f(l
,a' $o hel+ an! +leae o$her/ *($ ,h' no$ !o e-er'$hin# ,e .an/ *i#
an! %all/ $o,ar! $ha$ #oal@ Don1$ a' $han& 'o( *e.a(e 'o(1re
afrai! I1ll #e$ %a! a$ 'o( if 'o( !on1$N $ha$1 a $erri*le reaon0 Don1$ a'
$han& 'o( *e.a(e i$1 +oli$eN $ha$1 no$ %(.h of a reaon a$ all0 Sa'
$han& 'o( *e.a(e of i$ effe.$ on $he +eo+le 'o(1re $han&in#0
Perspective Taking
One !a'/ a$ $he a#e of $hree/ %' on/ Aa/ ha! a re-ela$ion a*o($ a
frien! of hi0 In a $one of ,on!er/ he anno(n.e!/ "Da-i! $a' a$
hi ho(e al,a'45 Of .o(re/ he alrea!' &ne, $ha$ af$er ,e -ii$
Da-i!/ ,e #o ho%e ,i$ho($ hi%0 B($ no, he ,a *e#innin# $o $hin&
a*o($ ,ha$ ha++en af$er ,e lea-e/ ho, Da-i! a' #oo!6*'e $o
( an! $hen .on$in(e $o li-e in hi ho(e/ ;($ a ,e li-e in o(r0
Aa ,a %a&in# ene of $he fa.$ $ha$ Da-i! ha a life $ha$ in1$
!e+en!en$ on hi%/ one $ha$ (nfol! +arallel $o hi o,n0
To $e+ o($i!e one1 o,n -ie,+oin$/ $o .oni!er ho, $he ,orl! loo&
$o ano$her +eron/ i/ ,hen 'o( $hin& a*o($ i$/ one of $he %o$ re%ar&a*le
.a+a*ili$ie of $he h(%an %in!0 P'.holo#i$ .all i$ "+er6+e.$i-e $a&in#/5
an! i$ .o%e in $hree fla-or0 The fir$ i +a$ial7 I .an i%a#ine ho, 'o(
li$erall' see $he ,orl!/ (.h $ha$ ,ha$1 on %' ri#h$ i on 'o(r lef$ ,hen
,e1re fa.in# one ano$her0 In $he e.on! $'+e/ I .an i%a#ine ho, 'o( think
a*o($ $hin#)for e2a%+le/ ho, 'o( %i#h$ ha-e $ro(*le ol-in# a +ro*le%
$ha$1 ea' for %e/ or ho, 'o( %i#h$ hol! *elief a*o($/ a'/ raiin#
.hil!ren $ha$ are !ifferen$ fro% %ine0 The $hir! &in! .oni$ of i%a#inin#
ho, 'o( )eel, ho, o%e$hin# .o(l! (+e$ 'o( e-en if i$ !oen1$ ha-e $ha$
effe.$ on %e0 9Thi la$ $'+e
T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E
of +er+e.$i-e $a&in# i o%e$i%e .onf(e! ,i$h "e%+a$h'/5 ,hi.h
%ean $ha$ I hare 'o(r feelin#0 To e%+a$hiMe in1$ ;($ $o (n!er$an!
$ha$ 'o(1re an#r' *($ a.$(all' $o feel an#r' alon# ,i$h 'o(0:
<ean Pia#e$/ ,ho +ioneere! $he $(!' of +er+e.$i-e $a&in#/
*elie-e! i$ ,a o%e$hin# .hil!ren .o(l!n1$ !o (n$il $he' ,ere a*o($
e-en 'ear ol!0 No,/ ho,e-er/ i$ a++ear $ha$ $he %ea(re%en$
$e.h6ni3(e he (e! ,ere ;($ $oo .o%+li.a$e! for 'o(n#er &i! $o
ho, ,ha$ $he' ,ere .a+a*le of (n!er$an!in#0 E-en *efore
&in!er#ar$en/ a .hil! %a' in!ee! *e a*le $o !o a r(!i%en$ar' for% of
+er+e.$i-e $a&in#0
AA
She &no, $ha$ o$her +eo+le %i#h$ *e .ol! e-en
$ho(#h he1 ,ar%/ or a! e-en $ho(#h he1 ha++'0 She *e#in $o
re.o#niMe $ha$ Da!!' !oen1$ &no, $he ,or! $o $ha$ on# *e.a(e he
,an1$ in .hool ,hen i$ ,a (n#0 She .an or$ of (n!er$an! $ha$
e-en $ho(#h he ,an$ $o +la' ,i$h $ha$ o$her &i!1 %ar&er/ he1ll
+ro*a*l' *e.o%e (+e$ if $he'1re na$.he! a,a'0 Tr(e/ he %a' no$
*e a*le $o !o $hee $hin# .oni$en$l')or $o a.$ on ,ha$ he realiMe
in e-er' in$an.e0 B($ 3(i$e earl' on ,e #e$ $hee $,in&lin# #li%+e
of a .a+a*ili$' $ha$ ,ill #ro, $ea!ier ,i$h $i%e0
Gi-en $ha$ $he a*ili$' $o i%a#ine o$her +eo+le1 +oin$ of -ie, i
an a.$ of $he i%a#ina$ion/ a ,a' of $hin&in# !ifferen$l'/ 'o( %a' no$
*e (r+rie! $o learn $ha$ $hoe ,ho are a!e+$ a$ i$ are li&el' $o *e
i%+rei-e $hin&er in o$her ,a'/ $oo0 B($ %' +ri%ar' in$ere$ in
+er6+e.$i-e $a&in# here i e$hi.al ra$her $han in$elle.$(al0 Wha$
,e1re $al&6in# a*o($/ af$er all/ i 3(i$e li$erall' $he o++oi$e of elf6
.en$ere!ne/ an! $herefore i$ offer a fo(n!a$ion for %orali$'0
Peo+le ,ho .an)an! !o)$hin& a*o($ ho, o$her e2+erien.e $he
,orl! are %ore li&el' $o rea.h o($ an! hel+ $hoe +eo+le)or/ a$ a %in6
i%(%/ are le li&el' $o har% $he%0 Kaf&a on.e !e.ri*e! ,ar a a
"%on$ro( fail(re of i%a#ina$ion05 In or!er $o &ill/ one %($ .eae $o
ee in!i-i!(al h(%an *ein# an! in$ea! re!(.e $he% $o a*$ra.6$ion
(.h a "$he ene%'05 One %($ fail $o realiMe $ha$ ea.h +eron
(n!ernea$h o(r *o%* i $he .en$er of hi (ni-ere ;($ a 'o( are $he
.en$er of 'o(r7 He #e$ $he fl(/ ,orrie a*o($ hi a#e! %o$her/ li&e
,ee$/ fall in lo-e)e-en $ho(#h he li-e half a ,orl! a,a' an!
CBC U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
+ea& a !ifferen$ lan#(a#e0 To ee $hin# fro% hi +oin$ of -ie, i
$o re.o#niMe all $he +ar$i.(lar $ha$ %a&e hi% h(%an/ an!
(l$i%a$el' i$ i $o (n!er$an! $ha$ hi life i no le -al(a*le $han
'o(r0 E-en in +o+(lar en$er$ain%en$/ ,e1re no$ ho,n $he *a!
#(' a$ ho%e ,i$h $heir .hil!ren0 One .an .heer $he !ea$h onl' of a
.ari.a$(re/ no$ of a $hree6!i%enional +eron0
Le !ra%a$i.all'/ %an' of $he o.ial +ro*le% ,e en.o(n$er on a
!ail' *ai .an *e (n!er$oo! a a fail(re of +er+e.$i-e $a&in#0 Peo6
+le ,ho li$$er/ or *lo.& $raffi. *' !o(*le6+ar&in#/ or ri+ +a#e o($ of
li*rar' *oo&/ ee% $o *e lo.&e! in$o $he%el-e/ (na*le or (n,illin#
$o i%a#ine ho, o$her ,ill ha-e $o loo& a$ $heir #ar*a#e/ or %ane(-er
$heir .ar aro(n! $he%/ or fail $o fin! a .ha+$er $he' nee!0
To ,or& on eein# $hin# a o$her ee $he% i $o li-e a -er'
!if6feren$ or$ of life0 Yo(1re i$$in# in a $hea$er/ .ranin# 'o(r ne.& $o
ee aro(n! $he hea! of $he +eron in fron$ of 'o( an! #ro,in#
in.rea6in#l' irri$a$e! a$ $hi in.on-enien.e0 S(!!enl'/ i$ !a,n on
'o( $ha$ $he +eron in $he ro, *ehin! %a' re#ar! 'o( in e2a.$l'
$he a%e ,a'7 Yo( are no$ onl' *lo.&e! *($ *lo.&in#0
Or .oni!er a !ifferen$ &in! of e2a%+le0 While %an' +eo+le !i6
%i $hoe ,i$h ,ho% $he' !ia#ree 9"Ho, .an he hol! $ha$ +oi$ion
on a*or$ion45:/ $hoe a..($o%e! $o +er+e.$i-e $a&in# $en! $o $(rn an
e2.la%a$ion +oin$ in$o a 3(e$ion %ar& 9"Ho, can he hol! $ha$
+oi$ion on a*or$ion@ Wha$ e2+erien.e/ a(%+$ion/ or (n!erl'in#
-al(e ha-e le! her $o a -ie, o !ifferen$ fro% %' o,n@5:0 Tha$ effor$
$o $e+ o($i!e oneelf i ,ha$ ,e ho(l! $r' $o .(l$i-a$e in o(r &i!0
There are !ifferen$ le-el of +er+e.$i-e $a&in#/ of .o(re/ an!
%ore o+hi$i.a$e! -erion %a' el(!e -er' 'o(n# .hil!ren0 The
*e$ ,e %a' *e a*le $o ho+e for in $he .ae of a fo(r6'ear6ol! i
$he ra$her +ri%i$i-e e$hi. of $he Gol!en R(le0 We %i#h$ a' 9in a
$one $ha$ o(n! li&e an in-i$a$ion $o refle.$/ ra$her $han a
re+ri%an!:/ "I no$i.e 'o( fin6ihe! all $he ;(i.e an! !i!n1$ lea-e an'
for A%'0 Ho, !o 'o( $hin& 'o( ,o(l! feel if A%' ha! !one $ha$@5
The +re%ie of $hi 3(e$ion/ +ro*6a*l' .orre.$/ i $ha$ *o$h &i!
li&e ;(i.e an! ,o(l! *e !ia++oin$e! $o fin! none a-aila*le0
T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E
B($ Geor#e Bernar! Sha, re%in!e! ( $ha$ $hi or$ of a(%+6
$ion !oen1$ al,a' %a&e ene0 "Do not !o (n$o o$her a 'o( ,o(l!
ha-e $he% !o (n$o 'o(/5 he a!-ie!0 "Their $a$e %a' no$ *e $he
a%e5)or/ ,e %i#h$ a!!/ $heir nee! or -al(e or *a.&#ro(n!0 Ol!er
.hil!ren an! a!(l$ .an realiMe $ha$ i$1 no$ eno(#h $o i%a#ine o(r6
el-e in o%eone ele1 i$(a$ion7 We ha-e $o i%a#ine $ha$ +eron in
$ha$ i$(a$ion0 We ha-e $o ee ,i$h her e'e ra$her $han ;($ ,i$h o(r
o,n0 We ha-e $o)if I %a' ,i$.h %e$a+hor)a& no$ ;($ ,ha$ i$1
li&e $o *e in her hoe/ *($ ,ha$ i$1 li&e $o ha-e her fee$0
So ho, can ,e +ro%o$e +er+e.$i-e $a&in# in o(r .hil!ren@ Ho, .an
,e hel+ $he% $o !e-elo+ an in.reain#l' o+hi$i.a$e! (n!er$an!in#
of ho, $hin# loo& fro% +oin$ of -ie, o$her $han $heir o,n@ One ,a'/
a#ain/ i *' e$$in# an e2a%+le0 A (+er%ar&e$ .ahier a' o%e6
$hin# r(!e/ an! $he +aren$ on $he re.ei-in# en! of hi hor$ $e%+er
.o%%en$ $o $he .hil! ,ho ha ,i$nee! $hi7 "H(h0 He !i!n1$ ee%
$o *e in a -er' #oo! %oo! $o!a'/ !i! he@ Wha$ !o 'o( $hin& %i#h$
ha-e ha++ene! $o $ha$ %an $ha$ %a!e hi% o #ro(.h'@ Do 'o( $hin&
o%eone %i#h$ ha-e h(r$ hi feelin#@5
I$ i enor%o(l' +o,erf(l $o a' $hin# li&e $hi $o o(r &i!/ $o $ea.h
$he% $ha$ ,e nee! no$ re+on! $o an in!i-i!(al ,ho a.$ (n+leaan$l'
*' #e$$in# an#r')or/ for $ha$ %a$$er/ *' *la%in# o(r6el-e0 In$ea!/
,e .an a$$e%+$ $o en$er $he ,orl! of $ha$ o$her +er6on0 I$1 o(r .hoi.e7
E-er' !a' o(r .hil!ren .an ,a$.h ( a ,e i%a#ine o%eone ele1
+oin$ of -ie,)or $he' .an ,a$.h ( re%ain elf6.en$ere!0 E-er' !a'
$he' .an ,i$ne o(r effor$ $o ee $ran#er a h(%an *ein#)or $he'
.an ,i$ne o(r fail(re $o !o o0
Bei!e e$$in# an e2a%+le/ ,e .an en.o(ra#e +er+e.$i-e $a&in#
*' !i.(in# *oo& an! $ele-iion ho, ,i$h o(r &i! in a ,a' $ha$
hi#hli#h$ $he .hara.$er1 !i-ere +er+e.$i-e0 9"We1re eein# all of
$hi $hro(#h $he e'e of $he !o.$or/ aren1$ ,e@ B($ ,ha$ !o 'o( $hin&
$he li$$le #irl i feelin# a*o($ ,ha$ ;($ ha++ene!@5: We .an e-en (e
+er+e.$i-e $a&in# a a $ool $o hel+ i*lin# reol-e $heir .onfli.$0
CBD U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
"O&a'/5 ,e %i#h$ a' af$er a *lo,(+0 "Tell %e ,ha$ ;($ ha++ene!/
*($ +re$en! 'o(1re 'o(r *ro$her an! !e.ri*e ho, $hin# %i#h$
ha-e ee%e! $o hi%05
AC
Finall'/ ,e .an hel+ 'o(n#er .hil!ren *e.o%e %ore eni$i-e $o
o$h6er1 e%o$ion *' #en$l' !ire.$in# $heir a$$en$ion $o o%eone1
$one of -oi.e/ +o$(re/ or fa.ial e2+reion an! in-i$in# $he% $o
refle.$ on ,ha$ $ha$ +eron %i#h$ *e $hin&in# an! ho, he or he
%i#h$ *e feelin#0 The +oin$ i $o *(il! a &ill 9learnin# ho, $o rea!
o$her +eo+le:/ *($ alo $o +ro%o$e a !i+oi$ion 9%anting $o &no,
ho, o$her are feelin#/ an! *ein# ,illin# $o fi#(re i$ o($:0 "I &no,
Gran!%a ai! i$ ,o(l! *e o&a' $o #o on ano$her ,al& ,i$h 'o(/ *($
I no$i.e! $ha$ he +a(e! a fe, e.on! *efore a#reein#0 An! !i!
'o( ee ho, $ire! he ee%e! ,hen he a$ !o,n ;($ no,@5
The -er' a.$ of $ea.hin# &i! $o +i.& (+ on (.h .(e .an hel+
$he% $o !e-elo+ $he ha*i$ of eein# %ore !ee+l' in$o o$her0 I$
en.o(ra#e $he% $o e2+erien.e $he ,orl! a ano$her +eron !oe/
an! +erha+ $o #e$ a feel for ,ha$ i$1 li&e $o be $ha$ o$her +eron0
Thi i a %a;or $e+ $o,ar! ,an$in# $o hel+ ra$her $han $o h(r$)
an!/ (l$i%a$el'/ $o,ar! *e.o%in# a *e$$er +eron oneelf0
Through 2our Child0s Eyes
While +er+e.$i-e $a&in# i o%e$hin# ,e ,an$ $o .o%%(ni.a$e to
o(r .hil!ren/ i$1 alo -i$al $ha$ ,e $a&e $he +er+e.$i-e o) o(r
.hil!ren0 Thi i/ in i$elf/ a %a;or hif$ of +er+e.$i-e0 We .an hel+
a .hil! learn $o i%a#ine ano$her +eron1 +oin$ of -ie,/ *($ a
+aren$ o(r fir$ +rior6i$' %($ *e $o i%a#ine ho, $hin# loo& fro%
$he .hil!1 +oin$ of -ie,0 Tha$1 no$ ;($ a ,a' $o %o!el $hi
+ar$i.(lar &ill7 I$1 a $a+le of #oo! +aren$in#/ +erio!0
Per+e.$i-e $a&in# i reall' a .o%%on !eno%ina$or of %an' !if6
feren$ +oin$ I1-e *een %a&in# $hro(#ho($ $hi *oo&0 For e2a%+le/ $he
effe.$ of +(nih%en$)(.h a .a(in# .hil!ren $o fo.( %o$l' on
no$ #e$$in# .a(#h$)*e.o%e %(.h %ore o*-io( on.e ,e ee $hin#
T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E
$hro(#h $he e'e of $he +eron *ein# +(nihe!0 So/ $oo/ for $he i%+a.$
of $,o +aren$ +reen$in# a (nifie! fron$/ or of +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$
for *eha-ior $ha$ +leae (0 The ne#a$i-e i%+a.$ of $hee $hin# i
le (r+riin# ,hen ,e i%a#ine ho, $he' ee% $o $he .hil!0
We1re al,a' $ea.hin# &i!/ *($ $o fin! o($ %hat ,e1re $ea.hin#/ i$
hel+ $o $a&e $he .hil!1 +er+e.$i-e0 A..or!in# $o $he reear.h/
re%e%6*er/ i$1 $he %ea#e he or he re.ei-e)a o++oe! $o $he
one ,e $hin& ,e en$)$ha$ +re!i.$ $he effe.$ of o(r a.$ion0 Th(/
,ha$ %a$$er i ,he$her &i! )eel (n.on!i$ionall' lo-e!/ ,he$her they
*elie-e $he' ha-e a .han.e $o %a&e !e.iion/ an! o on0
AE
Or le$1
$a&e a %ore .on6.re$e e2a%+le0 We %a' ha-e $he *e$ of in$en$ion
,hen ,e $ell a $eena#er ,ho .o%e ho%e la$e $ha$ he1 %ie!
!inner0 We $hin& $he leon here i7 "Ne2$ $i%e/ %a'*e 'o(1ll *e %ore
+ro%+$ an! .oni!6era$e05 B($ +erha+ ,ha$ $he .hil! hear i7 They
don0t care about the reasons this happened, or %hat0s going on in -y
li)e. "t %ould take t%o -inutes to reheat -y dinner, but they0d rather
that " go hungry. <bviously their stupid rules -atter -ore to the- than
-y %ell-being. . . . "s it that "0- not %orth caring about9
Per+e.$i-e $a&in# i alo $hrea!e! $hro(#h $he re.o%%en!a$ion
I1-e *een offerin# in $he la$ fe, .ha+$er0 To "$a&e &i! erio(l'5 i $o
ee $he% a +eo+le ,i$h !i$in.$i-e +oin$ of -ie,0 To "$al& le/ a&
%ore5 i a ,a' $o learn a*o($ ho, $he' ee $hin#0 An! on.e ,e !o
o/ on.e ,e realiMe $ha$ ,ha$ ,e1re !e%an!in# %a' ee% a lo$ le
rea6ona*le fro% $heir +er+e.$i-e/ ,e %a' nee! $o "re$hin& o(r
re3(e$5 ra$her $han ;($ $r'in# $o enfor.e $he%0 I1-e alo (##e$e!
$ha$ ,hen ,e %($ ini$ on .o%+lian.e/ ,e ho(l! a.&no,le!#e 9o($
lo(!: o(r (n!er$an!in# of ho, $ha$ feel $o $he .hil!0 An! if all hell
*rea& looe/ o(r re+one ,ill a#ain *e a lo$ %ore effe.$i-e if ,e $a&e
$he .hil!1 +er+e.$i-e7 Wha$ !oe i$ feel li&e $o *e o($ of .on$rol/ an!
ho, .an ,e *e hel+f(l in li#h$ of $ha$@
Per+e.$i-e $a&in# hel+ +aren$ a$$en! $o/ an! learn a*o($/ $heir
.hil!ren1 nee!0 Reear.her ha-e fo(n! $ha$ +aren$ ,ho !o o are
le li&el' $o !efine $heir rela$ionhi+ in $er% of .on$rol/ or $o (e +(n6
ih%en$0
AD
In fa.$/ $here1 alo %ore !ire.$ e-i!en.e re#ar!in# $he
CBF U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
effe.$ of +er+e.$i-e $a&in#0 A #ro(+ of D($.h reear.her +en$
$i%e ,i$h ACG fa%ilie/ in$er-ie,in# $he +aren$ an! ,a$.hin# a
$he' +la'e! ,i$h $heir i26$o6ele-en6'ear6ol! &i!0 I$ $(rne! o($ $ha$
one of $he %o$ i%+or$an$ fa.$or in +re!i.$in# $he 3(ali$' of $heir
+aren$in# ,a ho, ,ell $he' ee%e! $o (n!er$an! $he (ni3(e
in$ere$ an! nee! of $heir .hil!ren/ an! ho, ,illin# $he' ,ere $o
.oni!er $ha$ +er6+e.$i-e a !i$in.$ fro% $heir o,n0
In AIIH/ $he 'ear $ha$ $(!' ,a +(*lihe!/ $,o o$her ;o(rnal
.oin.i!en$all' +(*lihe! re+or$ on $he a%e $o+i.0 One fo(n! $ha$
8ana!ian +aren$ ,ho ,ere *e$$er a*le $o "a..(ra$el' +er.ei-e $heir
=$eena#e> .hil!ren1 $ho(#h$ an! feelin# !(rin# a !ia#ree%en$5
en!e! (+ ha-in# fe,er .onfli.$ ,i$h $hoe .hil!ren)or a$ lea$ a
%ore a$ifa.$or' reol($ion of $he .onfli.$ $ha$ !i! o..(r0 The o$her
,a a U0S0 $(!' of fa%ilie ,i$h $o!!ler/ an! i$ ho,e! $ha$ +aren$
,ho ,ere "a*le $o a!o+$ $he .hil!1 -ie,+oin$5 ,ere %ore re+oni-e
$o $he .hil!1 nee! a a re(l$0 Tha$ #rea$er re+oni-ene/ in $(rn/
%a!e i$ %ore li&el' $ha$ $he .hil! ,o(l! a!o+$ $he +aren$1 -al(e an!
re+on! %ore +oi$i-el' $o re3(e$0
So7 Wi$h .hil!ren fro% $,o $o fif$een 'ear ol!/ an! in $hree !if6
feren$ .o(n$rie/ ,e ha-e .onfir%a$ion $ha$ i$ reall' !oe hel+ for
+ar6en$ $o $r' $o ee $hin# fro% $he .hil!1 +oin$ of -ie,0
AG
Fe,
$hin# $ha$ +aren$ !o .an e3(al $he +oi$i-e i%+a.$ of $r'in# $o
+i.$(re ho, o(r ,or! an! a.$ion are e2+erien.e! *' o(r
.hil!ren0 In fa.$/ i$1 $ri+l' *enefi.ial7
Pers$ective ta&ing hel$s us figure out what%s really going
on! +ar6$i.(larl' ,hen a .hil! .anno$ or ,ill no$ e2+lain her %o$i-e
$o (/ o ,e !on1$ lea+ $o an in.orre.$ a(%+$ion)an!/ fro%
$here/ $o a +(ni6$i-e re+one0 We a.3(ire infor%a$ion $ha$ .an
hel+ ( #o *elo, $he (rfa.e ra$her $han ;($ re+on!in# $o
*eha-ior0 Tha$ ,a'/ ,e .an !e-ie a $ra$e#' for a!!rein# $he
!ee+er %eanin# an! (n!erl'in# i(e0
Pers$ective ta&ing ma&es us more $atient with children%s moods)
When ,e ee $he ,orl! a $he' ee i$/ ,e1re %ore li&el' $o re+on!
,i$h &in!ne an! re+e.$ $han if ,e ,ere ;($ loo&in# in fro% $he
T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E
o($i!e0 Tha$/ in $(rn/ hel+ &i! $o feel #oo! a*o($ $he%el-e an!
$o feel afe ,i$h (/ .onne.$e! $o (/ -al(e! *' (0
(e set an e#am$le! en.o(ra#in# $he .hil!/ $oo/ $o !o
+er+e.$i-e $a&in#0
The $ro(*le i $ha$ %an' +eo+le fin! +er+e.$i-e $a&in# har! $o
!o0 When an infan$ i .r'in#/ %o$ of ( ,ill $r' $o fi#(re o($ ,ha$1
*o$herin# her0 B($ ,e %a' *e le ,illin# $o i%a#ina$i-el' en$er $he
,orl! of an ol!er .hil! ,ho i 'ellin# an! $a%+in# her fee$0 Here
o(r fir$ i%+(le %a' *e $o *la%e or .on$rol ra$her $han $o (n!er6
$an!0 Para!o2i.all'/ $ho(#h/ $he i$(a$ion in ,hi.h ,e1re lea$
li&el' $o !o +er+e.$i-e $a&in# are $hoe ,here i$1 %o$ i%+or$an$
$ha$ ,e !o o0 If 'o( .an1$ e.a+e 'o(r o,n +oin$ of -ie,/ $hen i$1
har!er $o li$en/ har!er $o a.&no,le!#e $ha$ $here1 ano$her le#i$i6
%a$e ,a' of (n!er$an!in# ,ha$1 #oin# on/ har!er $o re.o#niMe
ho, $he *a$$le $ha$1 li&el' $o er(+$ .o(l! ha-e *een a-oi!e!0 The
%ore 'o( allo, 'o(relf $o re%ain $ra++e! in 'o(r o,n +er+e.$i-e/
$he %ore 'o(1ll *e $e%+$e! $o re-er$ $o .oer.ion)an! $he ,ore
$hin# ,ill #e$0
The a*en.e of +aren$al +er+e.$i-e $a&in# a(%e %an' for%0
A$ i$ %o$ !i$(r*in#/ i$ .an ree%*le)or lea! $o)an ($$er !i%ial
of ,ha$ .hil!ren are feelin# or an a$$e%+$ $o i%+oe o(r e2+erien.e on
$heir 9a in $he .lai. "I1% .ol!0 Go +($ on a ,ea$er05:0 More
.o%%onl'/ ,e i%+l' fail $o a++re.ia$e ho, !ifferen$ $heir ,orl!/ an!
$heir ,orrie/ are fro% o(r0 One !a' ,hen %' !a(#h$er ,a fi-e/ he
!e.ri*e! $o %e a$ o%e len#$h ho, .on.erne! he ,a a*o($ $he
+oi*ili$' $ha$/ if he ,ore a hoo!e! .o$(%e for Hallo,een 9,hi.h
,a $ill %on$h a,a':/ he %i#h$ no$ *e a*le $o ee $hro(#h $he e'e6
hole ,ell eno(#h $o %a&e (re he !i!n1$ %i$a&enl' ea$ a &in! of
.an!' he !oen1$ reall' li&e0
The la$ $hin# a .hil! nee! i $o *e infor%e! $ha$ her an2ie$ie are
ill'0 Thi i e+e.iall' $r(e ,hen a .hil! i o**in#0 To o(r ,a' of
$hin&in#/ li$$le &i! of$en .r' o-er no$hin#/ *($ $o $he%/ i$1 no$ no$h6in#
a$ all7 Wha$ +ro%+$e! $he o($*(r$ %a$$er a #rea$ !eal0 We feel
CBJ U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
e2a+era$e!)an!/ if ,e1re in +(*li./ e%*arrae!)*' a .hil!1
o($6*(r$/ *($ ,e ee% $o for#e$ $ha$ $he e2+erien.e %a' *e
a#oniMin# ra$her $han %erel' anno'in# for $he .hil!0
S(re/ i$1 har! $o *e a +aren$0 B($ i$ .an *e a lo$ har!er $o *e a &i!0 We
!on1$ %ean $o %a&e $he% feel foolih or (n(++or$e!/ *($ $ha$1 ;($ ,ha$
ha++en ,hen ,e $ri-ialiMe $heir fear or $heir $ear0 We loe +a$ien.e
,i$h a +re.hooler7 "8o%e on, hone'4 Wha$ !ifferen.e !oe i$ %a&e
,he$her 'o(r lef$ o.& #oe on *efore 'o(r ri#h$ one@5 We a(%e
+i$ile lo#i. ,ill reol-e a $een1 inner $(r%oil7 "Well/ ;($ a& her o($ if
'o( li&e her0 The ,or$ $ha$ .an ha++en i he a' no/ ri#h$@
Yo(1ll #e$ o-er i$05
Sho(l!n1$ ,e &no, *e$$er@ Af$er all/ .ien$ifi. reear.h ha +ro-e!
$ha$ %o$ a!(l$ ,ere .hil!ren $he%el-e a$ one $i%e or ano$her0
Ha-e ,e ;($ for#o$$en ,ha$ i$1 li&e $o ha-e o(r ,orl! $(rne! (+i!e
!o,n *' $hin# #ro,n6(+ !on1$ (n!er$an!)an!/ ,ore/ ,ha$ i$1
li&e $o ha-e $hoe feelin# ,ri$$en off *' $he a%e #ro,n6(+@
So%e $hera+i$ ha-e a +ro-o.a$i-e an,er $o $hee 3(e$ion0
Ali.e Miller/ for e2a%+le/ ar#(e $ha$ $here1 no$hin# +ara!o2i.al or
+ar$i.(larl' (r+riin# a*o($ (.h *eha-ior0 She *elie-e i$1 no$
a..(ra$e $o a' $ha$ o %an' +aren$ !i%i $heir .hil!ren1 fear/
or fail $o ee $hin# fro% $he .hil!1 +oin$ of -ie,/ in spite o) ha-in#
#one $hro(#h $hi $he%el-e0 Ra$her/ $he' !o o because $he'
,en$ $hro(#h $hi $he%el-e0 I$1 har! $o a!o+$ $he +er+e.$i-e of
a .hil! *e.a(e i$1 e-en har!er $o a!o+$ $he +er+e.$i-e of
oneelf6a6a6.hil!0 I$ h(r$ $oo %(.h $o a.&no,le!#e ,ha$ ,a
!one $o ( on.e (+on a $i%e0
"Dire+e.$ i $he ,ea+on of $he ,ea&/5 Miller o*er-e/ an! $he !i6
re+e.$ o %an' +aren$ ho, for $heir .hil!ren1 feelin# i a f(n.$ion of
ho, ,ea& $he' re%ain *ehin! a $hin faVa!e of $ren#$h0 Fir$/ a!(l$
.on$in(e $o ha-e fear of $heir o,n/ o i$ %a&e $he% feel +o,erf(l $o
+ooh6+ooh $he ill' fear of a .hil!0 Se.on!/ o%e +aren$ %a' *e $a&6in#
re-en#e "for $heir o,n earlier h(%ilia$ion05 Tha$ $hi +a$$ern +la' o($
(n.on.io(l' %a&e +erfe.$ ene/ #i-en $ha$ i$1 $oo +ainf(l $o
re%e%*er/ le$ alone $o reli-e/ one1 o,n +o,erlene an! +ain0
AF
T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E
I hone$l' !on1$ &no, ho, %(.h of $ha$ $heor' i $r(e/ or ho, %an'
+eo+le i$ !e.ri*e0 I$ %a' *e $ha$ $here are o$her reaon/ %ore
(+erfi.ial an! i$(a$ional/ for $he fa.$ $ha$ +aren$ o of$en fail $o i%a#ine
ho, $hin# feel $o $heir .hil!ren0 Ma'*e ,e1re ;($ $oo hor$ of $i%e or
+a$ien.e $o a&/ "Ho, !oe %' .hil! %a&e ene of ,ha$ ;($ ha++ene!@5
Fran&l'/ I1! li&e $o $hin& $he e2+lana$ion i $ha$ i%6+le/ *e.a(e $hen ,e
.an ol-e $he +ro*le% %ore eail'0 B($ ei$her ,a'/ ,e o(#h$ $o !o o(r
*e$ $o re.all +e.ifi. e2+erien.e of *ein# a .hil! o a $o %a&e %ore
real for o(rel-e ,ha$ o(r .hil!ren are #oin# $hro(#h0 There %a' e-en
*e -al(e in $r'in# $o re.a+$(re e2+erien.e ,e1-e ha! a a!(l$ $ha$ are
analo#o( $o $hoe of o(r .hil!ren)for e2a%+le/ ,ha$ i$1 li&e $o *e
*oe! aro(n!/ or $o ha-e o(r +referen.e i#nore!/ or $o feel +re(re!
$o $o+ !oin# o%e$hin# f(n0
Thee are ;($ e2er.ie/ of .o(re)+re+ara$ion for $he real e-en$/
,hi.h i i%a#inin# $he .hil!1 +er+e.$i-e0 Tha$1 o%e$hin# ,e nee! $o
*e#in !oin# fro% $he $ar$0 When %' !a(#h$er ,a onl' a fe, %on$h ol!/
he ha$e! $o ha-e her !ia+er .han#e!0 A$ fir$/ %' re+one ,a/
*ai.all'/ "Sorr'/ hone'/ *($ i$ ha $o *e !one ,he$her 'o( li&e i$ or no$05
Then I no$i.e! $ha$ he ,a +ar$i.(larl' rei$an$ ,hen $he .han#6in#
ha++ene! a oon a he ,o&e (+0 I $rie! $o ee i$ fro% her +oin$ of -ie,7
$ey# "0- still hal)-asleep here and already "0- being %hisked over to That
Place Where They Do Things to 5y Butt# I e2+eri%en$e! ,i$h #i-in# her
$en or fif$een %in($e $o ,a&e (+ f(ll' *efore I .han#e! her !ia+er/ an!
(re eno(#h/ her rea.$ion ,a far %ore +oi$i-e0
Ta&in# an infan$1 +er+e.$i-e i (ef(l/ in +ar$ $o hel+ ( #e$ in
$he ha*i$ of !oin# i$ la$er0 We1ll (rel' nee! $o !o i$ *' $he $i%e $he'
$ar$ $o $al&/ if onl' $o $(rn $he ((al .li.hS a*o($ .hil!hoo! on
$heir hea!0 For e2a%+le7 T,o6'ear6ol! are fa%o( for a'in# no
a lo$0 B($ fro% $he .hil!1 +er+e.$i-e/ $he +ro*le% i $ha$ %e0re
al,a' a'in# no/ +re6-en$in# hi% fro% !oin# $hi/ #oin# $here/
+la'in# ,i$h $ha$ reall' in$er6e$in# $hin# on $he &i$.hen .o(n$er0
AH
8hil!ren of !ifferen$ a#e are fre3(en$l' !e.ri*e! a "%ani+(la6
$i-e05 B($/ a#ain/ fro% $he .hil!1 +er+e.$i-e/ he %a' ;($ *e $r(#6
#lin# $o ha-e o%e a' o-er ,ha$ ha++en $o her0 If an'one i $r'in#
CAB U N 8 O N D I T I O N A L P A R E N T I N G
$o %ani+(la$e here/ i$1 +ro*a*l' $he #ro,n6(+0 Perha+ &i! ,o(l!
*enefi$ fro% a hel+f(l *oo& .alle! $o% to $andle 2our Di))icult Par-ents.
Gi-en ho, %(.h $i%e ,e +en! ;(!#in# an! .orre.$in# $he%/ i$1
en$er$ainin# $o i%a#ine $heir ha-in# re#(lar o++or$(ni$ie $o !o $he a%e
$o ()(.h a/ a'/ a ?agat )or Tots re-ie, of ,ha$ ,e fee! $he%7
Diner #i-e an en$h(ia$i. $h(%*6(+ $o $he "a,eo%e5 ho$ !o#
an! hi#h63(ali$' !eer$ 9"if 'o(1re l(.&' eno(#h $o #e$ one5:/ *($
.a($ion $ha$ .er$ain i!e !ihe are "reall' #ro5N ho$ .ereal in
+ar$i.(lar are a+$ $o "loo& li&e *arf05 Ser-i.e i ra$e! a
in.oni$en$7 There are hi#h %ar& for +eronal a$$en6$ion/ *($ a$
lea$ one .($o%er a' he .an !o ,i$ho($ "$ha$ la!' ,ho1 al,a'
$ellin# 'o( $o i$ (+ $rai#h$ an! $o+ !a,!lin#05
The (e of h(%or i .loel' rela$e! $o +er+e.$i-e $a&in# *e.a(e
la(#h$er i of$en a !ire.$ re(l$ of a hif$ in +er+e.$i-e0 H(%or .an *e
a -er' effe.$i-e $ra$e#' for !ef(in# a $ref(l i$(a$ion/ or a$ lea$
,ar%in# (+ a +o$en$iall' .hill' en.o(n$er0 If 'o(1re i$$in# !o,n ,i$h
'o(r .hil! $o !i.( o%e$hin# a*o($ her *eha-ior $ha$ 'o(1! li&e $o
ee .han#e!/ 'o( %i#h$ in-i$e her $o i%i$a$e ho, 'o( $'+i.all' o(n!
,hen 'o(1re na##in# her on $ha$ $o+i.0 Thi i a ,a' of releain# $en6
ion/ le$$in# her feel e%+o,ere!/ an! %a&in# i$ .lear $ha$ 'o( (n!er6
$an! ho, $hin# ee% fro% her +oin$ of -ie,)all a$ on.e0
Per+e.$i-e $a&in# i alo i%+or$an$ ,hen 'o(1re +en!in# $i%e
,i$h o%eone ele1 .hil!0 I$1 re%ar&a*le ho, %an' a!(l$ *arrel
ahea! ,i$h $heir o,n a#en!a/ i#nore $ron# non-er*al i#nal/ an!
$hen +rono(n.e $he .hil! ,ho re.oil fro% $he% "h'5 9or ,ore:0
B' .on$ra$/ a!(l$ ,ho are ai! $o "ha-e a ,a' ,i$h &i!5 ((all'
!i6+la' an in$(i$i-e feel for ho, $hin# loo& $o $he%0 When $he'1re
in$ro6!(.e! $o a .hil!/ $he' !on1$ e2+e.$ in$an$ eff(i-ene/ ;($
a $he' &no, $heir o,n nor%all' *(**l' &i! +ro*a*l' ,on1$ a.$ ,i$h
a $ran#er $he ,a' he a.$ ,i$h $he%0 The' !on1$ %o$her $heir ne,
a.3(ain$an.e ,i$h en$h(ia% or $ar$ ri#h$ in ,i$h a .ro6
e2a%ina$ion 9"Ho, ol! are 'o(@ Where !o 'o( #o $o .hool@5:0
T H E 8 H I L D 1 S P E R S P E 8 T I V E
Ra$her/ $he' &ee+ $heir !i$an.e a$ fir$ an! le$ $he .hil! ,ar% (+ $o
$he%/ +erha+ fin!in# o%e$hin# he1 in$ere$e! in an! a&in# hi%
a*o($ $ha$0 Then $he' %i#h$ $r' $o fin! o%e a.$i-i$' $he' .an !o
alon#i!e $he .hil!0 The' $a&e $heir .(e fro% hi% re#ar!in# ,ha$
he1 in$ere$e! in/ ,he$her he ,an$ $o $al& or +la'/ an! o on0
I$1 eaier $o $a&e one1 .(e fro% a .hil!/ ,he$her o%eone
ele1 or o(r o,n/ if ,e .an ee $he ,orl! a $ha$ .hil! ee i$0 On
an e-er'!a' *ai/ +er+e.$i-e $a&in# %a&e for *e$$er +aren$in#0
E-en ,hen ,e .an1$ honor .hil!ren1 +referen.e/ i$1 $erri*l'
i%+or$an$ $ha$ ,e !o o(r *e$ $o (n!er$an! an! a.&no,le!#e $heir
+er+e.$i-e 9"I #(e $o 'o( i$ ee% a $ho(#h 0 0 05:0 Tha$ hel+
$he% feel hear!/ .are! a*o($/ an! (n.on!i$ionall' lo-e!0
Of .o(re/ i$1 no$ all or no$hin#0 When ,e1re $al&in# a*o($ ho, of$en/
an! ho, ,ell/ +aren$ $r' $o i%a#ine $he ,a' $hin# loo& fro% a .hil!1
+oin$ of -ie,/ $here are %an' #ra!a$ion *e$,een ".on$an$l'5 an!
"ne-er5)or *e$,een "e2+er$l'5 an! "%iera*l'05 An! o i$ i for all $he
i(e !i.(e! in $hi *oo&0 Fe, +aren$ +(r(e $ra$e#ie $ha$ are
e2.l(i-el' !oin#6$o or ,or&in#6,i$h/ or offer lo-e $ha$1 +(rel' .on!i$ional
or (n.on!i$ional0 Mo$ of ( are o%e,here in *e$,een0 B' $he a%e
$o&en/ I1% no$ (##e$in# $ha$ $here1 a ,i$.h ,e .an fli+ $ha$ ,ill
in$an$l' allo, ( $o $o+ *ein# $hi ,a' an! $ar$ *ein# $ha$ ,a'0 Ra$her/
,e .an $hin& of o(rel-e a *ein# on a ;o(rne' (.h $ha$ ,e .o%%i$
o(rel-e $o %a&in# $ea!' +ro#re in $he ri#h$ !ire.$ion0
I i$ e-er $oo la$e $o *e#in $ha$ ;o(rne'@ I1% o%e$i%e a&e! for
a(ran.e $ha$ i$1 +oi*le $o (n!o $he !a%a#e $ha$ %a' ha-e *een
!one *' 'ear of .on!i$ional +aren$in# an! o-er.on$rol0 Of .o(re/ i$1
i%+oi*le $o a' for .er$ain/ *($ i$ $a&e $re%en!o( .o(ra#e $o
a.&no,le!#e $ha$ one %a' ha-e *een on $he ,ron# .o(re/ an! (.h
.o(ra#e i i$elf an e2.ellen$ o%en for ,ha$ $he f($(re hol!0 There1 rea6
on $o *elie-e $ha$/ no %a$$er ho, ol! one1 .hil!ren are/ i$1 no$ $oo la$e
$o ha-e a +oi$i-e i%+a.$ fro% $hi +oin$ for,ar!0 All of ( ha-e .on6
i!era*le roo% for i%+ro-e%en$0 To ,ha$e-er e2$en$/ an! for ,ha$e-er
reaon/ ,e %a' ha-e *een raiin# o(r &i! in a ,a' $ha$ han1$ *een -er'
.on$r(.$i-e/ $hi i a #oo! a $i%e a an' $o $(rn $hin# aro(n!0
APPENDIK
Parenting &tyles+
The ,elevance o) Culture, Class, and ,ace
I
n !i.(in# an' a+e.$ of h(%an *eha-ior/ $here1 al,a' $he +oi*il6i$'
$ha$ one1 !e.ri+$ion 9Thi i ,ha$ i$ %ean $o raie .hil!ren0 0 0 0: or
e-al(a$ion 9Thi i $he ,a' one o(#h$ $o raie .hil!ren0 0 0 0: ,ill *e *ae! on
a ,orl!-ie, $ha$ in1$ hel! (ni-erall'0 M(.h of ,ha$ ,e $a&e for #ran$e!
a*o($ .hil! !e-elo+%en$ an! o$her i(e of$en $(rn o($ $o *e *o(n!e! *'
.(l$(ral a(%+$ion0 To $ha$ e2$en$/ $he' %a' *e o+en $o !i6+($e0 The
.on$en$ of $hi *oo& i ne.earil' infor%e! *' $he fa.$ $ha$ I1% a ,hi$e/
%i!!le6.la A%eri.an0 Ho, ,o(l!/ an! ho, ho(l!/ o%eone
,ho !oen1$ hare $hoe .hara.$eri$i. re#ar! ,ha$ I1-e ,ri$$en@
E-en if I ,ere an e2+er$ on +aren$in# *elief an! +ra.$i.e aro(n! $he
,orl!/ ,hi.h I1% no$/ I ,o(l!n1$ *e a*le $o !o ;($i.e here $o $he -a$
reear.h li$era$(re on $hi $o+i.0 There i enor%o( -aria$ion in $he
a(%+$ion %a!e a*o($ .hil!ren an! ,ha$ i$ %ean $o .are for $he%
+ro+erl'/ in.l(!in# ho, %(.h/ ,hen/ an! (n!er ,ha$ .ir.(%$an.e +ar6
en$ +(nih/ or reaon ,i$h/ $heir .hil!ren0 For e2a%+le/ one an$hro+ol6
o#i$ !e.ri*e ho, %e%*er of $he G(ii $ri*e in o($h,e$ern Ken'a
,ere ho.&e! $o learn $ha$ A%eri.an %o$her ,o(l! lea-e $heir *a*ie
.r'in# e-en for a fe, e.on!7 "For $he%/ $he +re-en$ion of infan$ .r'in#
$hro(#h .on$in(o( +h'i.al .on$a.$ ,a no$ onl' a !e-i.e of +ra#%a$i.
-al(e *($ alo a %orall' %an!a$e! .ri+$ for %a$ernal *eha-ior05
A
A P P E N D I K CAE
To!!ler/ $oo/ are $rea$e! -er' !ifferen$l' fro% one .(l$(re $o $he ne2$0
A a re(l$/ o%e ne, reear.h !e%on$ra$e $ha$ "$he R$erri*le $,o1
$rani$ion i no$ (ni-eral5N i$ e2i$en.e ee% $o !e+en! on ho, %(.h
"+aren$ a$$e%+$ $o aer$ $heir a($hori$'5
C
an!/ +erha+/ on ,ha$ $heir
(l$i%a$e #oal are for $heir .hil!ren0 Thi i *($ one ill($ra$ion of $he
lar#er +oin$ $ha$ .(l$(rall' +e.ifi. a(%+$ion an! +ra.$i.e +ro6!(.e
!ifferen$ *eha-ior0 O-er an! o-er/ ,ha$ ,e $a&e $o *e i%+le fa.$ a*o($
.hil! !e-elo+%en$ $(rn o($ no$ $o *e $r(e e-er',here0
I$ %a' no$ *e (r+riin#/ $hen/ $ha$ $he .en$ral $he%e of $hi *oo& are
no$ i%%(ne $o *ein# .hallen#e! fro% a .ro6.(l$(ral +er+e.$i-e0 Fre!
Ro$h*a(% a$ T(f$ Uni-eri$' (##e$ $ha$ (n.on!i$ional +aren$al lo-e i
le in !o(*$ in o%e .(l$(re $han i$ i in o(r0 Ho,e-er/ he a!!/ $here
are +la.e ,here $he -er' .on.e+$ %a' ee% $o *e *ei!e $he +oin$0
Un.on!i$ional a..e+$an.e %a' *e +re!i.a$e! on -al(in# $he in!i-i!(al
elf in a ,a' $ha$ i *' no %ean (ni-eral0 We %a' *elie-e $ha$ .hil!ren
ha-e $o *e lo-e! *' $heir +aren$ in or!er $o a..e+$ $he%el-e/ *($ $he
i!ea of a..e+$in# oneelf !oen1$ ha-e $he a%e i#nifi.an.e e-er',here
an! %a' e-en ee% a *iMarre i!ea in le in!i-i!(ali$i. .(l$(re0
Wha$1 %ore/ Ro$h*a(% +oin$ o($ $ha$ ($$erin# $he +hrae "I lo-e
'o(5 $o .hil!ren i%+lie $he +oi*ili$' of no$ lo-in# $he%7 If ,e1re a'6in#
i$/ ,e1re (##e$in# $ha$ i$ .an1$ *e $a&en for #ran$e!0 If o(r lo-e i
(n.on!i$ional/ i$1 *e.a(e ,e !e.i!e $o feel $ha$ ,a'/ ,herea in %an'
.(l$(re $he .onne.$ion *e$,een in!i-i!(al)in.l(!in# +aren$ an!
.hil!ren)refle.$ role an! nor% $ha$ are (n3(e$ione!0 The'1re o*li6
#a$ion one ha/ no$ .o%%i$%en$ one %a&e0
E
I $hi a !ifferen$/ e-en
!ee+er/ for% of (n.on!i$ional +aren$in#)or i i$ le %eanin#f(l $han lo-e
$ha$1 freel' .hoen@ Re#ar!le of ,ha$ ;(!#%en$ ,e en! (+ %a&6in#/ i$
%a' *e ne.ear' $o re$hin& $he -er' i!ea of (n.on!i$ionali$'0
An! +ea&in# of "freel' .hoen57 I1-e e%+haiMe! $he i%+or$an.e
of eain# (+ on o(r .on$rol of .hil!ren an! hel+in# $he% $o e2+erien.e
a ene of a($ono%'0 The *enefi$ of !oin# o are ,ell (*$an$ia$e!
*' reear.h0 B($ i $ha$ reear.h a++li.a*le onl' in .er$ain +la.e@ Do
.hil6!ren *enefi$ fro% $he .han.e $o ha-e o%e a' a*o($ $heir li-e
onl' in .(l$(re $ha$ are rela$i-el' in!i-i!(ali$i. or le *o(n! *'
$ra!i$ion@ <ur .hil!ren ee% $o *e ha++ier an! %ore %o$i-a$e! ,hen
$he' .an +ar$i.i+a$e in %a&in# !e.iion $han ,hen a($hori$' fi#(re
$ell $he% ,ha$ $o !o/ *($ i $ha$ $r(e e-er',here@
D
CAD A P P E N D I K
The e2$en$ $o ,hi.h +aren$ are in.line! $o .on$rol $heir .hil!ren i
(n3(e$iona*l' affe.$e! *' ,here $he' li-e0 Ho,e-er/ $ha$1 "3(i$e !if6
feren$ fro% a'in# $ha$ .on$rollin# $e.hni3(e are +refera*le5 in an'
o.ie$'/ a Wen!' Grolni.& +oin$ o($0 She +ro.ee! $o .i$e reear.h
ho,in# $ha$ ".on$rollin# +aren$in# i ao.ia$e! ,i$h %ore ne#a$i-e
o($.o%e for .hil!ren a.ro .(l$(ral .on$e2$05
G
Si%ilarl'/ Ri.har!
R'an an! E!,ar! De.i +oin$ $o !a$a (##e$in# $ha$ "a($ono%' %a'
in!ee! *e (ni-erall' i%+or$an$05 One reaon $hi .on$en$ion ha *een
.hallen#e!/ $he' a!!/ i a f(n.$ion of ho, $he ,or! i !efine!0
A($ono%' i of$en e3(a$e! ,i$h in!e+en!en.e an! "rei$an.e $o
infl(en.e/ or elf6aer$ion o-er an! a#ain$ o$her05 An'one ,ho
a..e+$ $ha$ !efini$ion %a' ,ell a(%e $he .on.e+$ i "rele-an$ onl'
$o in!i-i!(ali$i. .(l6$(re05 B($ a($ono%' (n!er$oo! a -oli$ion or
".hoi.ef(lne5 i a !if6feren$ $or'0 In $ha$ ene/ "+eo+le .an ;($ a
rea!il' *e a($ono%o(l' .olle.$i-i$i. a $he' .an *e a($ono%o(l'
in!i-i!(ali$i.05
F
Th(/ eain# (+ on .on$rol %a' *e a #oo! $hin# for
.hil!ren re#ar!le of ,he$her $he'1re *ein# raie! in $he We$ or $he
Ea$/ in a h(#e %o!ern .i$' or a $in' Thir! Worl! -illa#e0
Nee!le $o a'/ !ifferen.e in !i.i+line $'le o..(r no$ onl' a.ro
.(l6$(re *($ a%on# #ro(+ ,i$hin a in#le .(l$(re/ +ar$i.(larl' ,hen
,e1re $al&in# a*o($ a .o%+le2 %o!ern o.ie$' (.h a $he Uni$e!
S$a$e0 Before %en$ionin# a fe, of $hoe !ifferen.e/ ho,e-er/ I
ho(l! +oin$ o($ $ha$ ,e1re $raffi.&in# here in $a$i$i.al
#eneraliMa$ion0 E-en if +aren$ in #ro(+ A $rea$ $heir .hil!ren in a
+ar$i.(lar ,a' %ore $han +aren$ in #ro(+ B !o/ $ha$ !oen1$ %ean
e-er'one in #ro(+ A a.$ $ha$ ,a')or $ha$ no one in #ro(+ B !oe0
Wi$h $ha$ in %in!/ ,e .an *e#in *' no$in# $ha$ reear.her ha-e ro(6
$inel' fo(n! !ifferen.e rela$e! $o fa%ilie1 o.ioe.ono%i. $a$( 9SES:/
in.l(!in# $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h +(ni$i-e !i.i+line i (e!0 Mo$ $(!ie
ha-e fo(n! $ha$/ a $ha$ $a$( !e.line/ "ra$e of +aren$1 (e of .or+o6ral
+(nih%en$ rie/5 a..or!in# $o one re-ie, of $he a-aila*le !a$a0 Ano$her
#ro(+ of reear.her .on.l(!e! $ha$/ a a r(le/ ".hil!ren in $he lo,er
o.ioe.ono%i. .lae are %ore li&el' $han $heir +eer $o *e $he o*;e.$
of harh !i.i+line/ $o =*e> 0 0 0 raie! *' %o$her ,ho are rela6$i-el' le
,ar% in $heir *eha-ior $o,ar! $he% 0 0 0 an! ,ho are %ore
A P P E N D I K CAG
li&el' $o hol! -al(e $ha$ a##reion i an a++ro+ria$e an! effe.$i-e
%ean of ol-in# +ro*le%05
H
Thoe fa.$ are e2+laine! +ar$l' *' e.ono%i. +re(re7 The %ore (.h
$re +aren$ are e2+erien.in#/ $he %ore li&el' i$ i $ha$ $he' ,ill (e
.oer.i-e %e$ho! $o #e$ $heir .hil!ren $o o*e'0
J
Mel-in Kohn fa%o(l'
ho,e! $ha$ ,or&in#6.la +aren$ are %ore li&el' $o raie $heir .hil!ren $o
.onfor% $o r(le an! re+e.$ a($hori$')an! $o (e +(nih%en$ $o a.hie-e
$hoe #oal),herea %i!!le6.la/ no$a*l' ,hi$e6.ollar/ +aren$ are %ore
li&el' $o ,an$ $heir .hil!ren $o *e elf6!ire.$e! an! a($ono%o( !e.iion6
%a&er0 Kohn h'+o$heiMe! $ha$ $hi/ in $(rn/ i rela$e! $o $he e2+e.$a$ion
$he +aren$ $he%el-e fa.e a$ ,or&/ ,hi.h of$en -ar' *' .la0 Hi #eneral
fin!in# ha-e *een .onfir%e! *' o$her reear.her/ an! $he'1-e *een e.hoe!
*' in$erna$ional !a$a ho,in# $ha$ +h'i.al +(nih%en$ i %ore .o%%on in
.(l$(re $ha$ -al(e .onfor%i$' in .hil!ren $han i$ i in .(l$(re $ha$ -al(e elf6
relian.e0
I
Then $here i $he .o%+le2 3(e$ion of ra.e0 Wi$hin $he Uni$e! S$a$e/
i$ a++ear $ha$ Afri.an A%eri.an are "le li&el' $han ,hi$e +aren$ $o
+refer a($ono%' in .hil!ren an! are %ore li&el' $o +refer o*e!ien.e/5
e-en af$er SES i hel! .on$an$0 Afri.an A%eri.an %o$her are %ore li&e6
l' $han ,hi$e %o$her $o a++ro-e of $heir .hil!ren1 *ein# a##rei-e ,i$h
$heir +eer0
AB
A for $he (e of harh !i.i+linar' +ra.$i.e/ in.l(!in#
+h'i.al +(nih%en$/ $,o .on.l(ion e%er#e fro% $he !a$a7 8la %a'
ha-e %ore of an i%+a.$ $han ra.e/ *($ ra.e %a$$er/ $oo0 When $ho(6
an! of +aren$ ,ere a&e! 9in AIIB: ,he$her $he' ha! +an&e! $heir
.hil!ren in $he la$ ,ee&/ a*o($ HB +er.en$ of Afri.an A%eri.an an! FB
+er.en$ of ,hi$e ai! 'e0 The fi#(re ,ere HH +er.en$ an! GI +er.en$/
re+e.$i-el'/ in ano$her $(!' $ha$ a&e! +aren$ 9in AIIG: ,he$her $he'
ha! +an&e! $heir .hil!ren in $he la$ 'ear0 The !ifferen.e ,a $ill $a6
$i$i.all' i#nifi.an$/ al$ho(#h o%e,ha$ re!(.e!/ on.e SES ,a $a&en
in$o a..o(n$0
AA
When +aren$ ,ere a&e! 9in AIJJ: a*o($ $heir attitudes $o,ar!
+h'i.al +(nih%en$/ a li$$le %ore $han CC +er.en$ of ,hi$e o++oe! $he
i!ea/ a .o%+are! ,i$h le $han I +er.en$ of Afri.an A%eri.an0 Wha$1
+ar$i.(larl' $ri&in# i $he !i+ari$' in ho, a$$i$(!e ha-e .han#e! o-er
$i%e0 In AIFJ/ +an&in# ,a en!ore! *' %ore $han IB +er.en$ of A%er6
i.an in all e$hni. #ro(+0 A erie of (r-e' fro% $ha$ +oin$ (n$il AIID
ha-e fo(n! a $ea!' an! re%ar&a*l' har+ !e.line in $he n(%*er of
CAF A P P E N D I K
,hi$e ,ho (++or$ +an&in#N a++ro-al ha !ro++e! *' a $hir!/ in fa.$0
B($ $he !e.line ,a onl' AD +er.en$ for Afri.an A%eri.an o-er $he
a%e 3(ar$er6.en$(r'0
AC
The e-i!en.e a#ain$ $he ,i!o% of (in# (.h +(nih%en$ i 3(i$e
.o%+ellin#/ *($ in $he la$ fe, 'ear an in$ere$in# ar#(%en$ ha *een +($
for$h $o $he effe.$ $ha$ a #i-en +ra.$i.e !oen1$ ne.earil' ha-e $he a%e
%eanin# a.ro ra.ial line0 Kir*' Dea$er6De.&ar!/ Kenne$h Do!#e/ an!
$,o o$her reear.her ha-e a$$ra.$e! .oni!era*le a$$en$ion in $heir fiel!
*' .on$en!in# $ha$/ *e.a(e !i.i+linin# .hil!ren ,i$h +h'i.al for.e i
%ore ,i!el' a..e+$e! *' Afri.an A%eri.an/ *la.& &i! %a' no$
e2+erien.e *ein# hi$ *' $heir +aren$ in $he a%e ,a' $ha$ ,hi$e &i! !o/
an! $herefore i$ ,on1$ ha-e $he a%e ne#a$i-e effe.$0 Their $(!' of DFF
,hi$e .hil!ren an! ABB *la.& .hil!ren fo(n! $ha$ hi#her le-el of +h'i6.al
+(nih%en$ re(l$e! in a##reion an! i%ilar +ro*le% onl' a%on# $he
,hi$e .hil!ren0 Thee reear.her)all of ,ho% are ,hi$e/ in.i!en6$all')
+e.(la$e! $ha$ Afri.an A%eri.an .hil!ren %a' no$ "-ie, $heir +aren$1
+h'i.al !i.i+line a an in!i.a$ion of +aren$al la.& of ,ar%$h an!
.on.ern5)+ro-i!e! $ha$ $he +(nih%en$ !oen1$ rea.h le-el ((al6l'
.laifie! a a*(i-e0
AE
Thi +reen$ a +ro-o.a$i-e .hallen#e $o $hoe of ( ,ho fin! $he
i!ea of !eli*era$el' h(r$in# .hil!ren o*;e.$iona*le no %a$$er ,here i$1
!one/ or *' ,ho%/ or ,h'0 I$ for.e ( $o a& ,he$her o(r o*;e.$ion i
infor%e! *' a e$ of +re%ie $ha$ .an1$ *e a++lie! (ni-erall'0 Doe a
%a2i% (.h a "Ne-er hi$ a .hil!5 i%+l' refle.$ $he fa%iliar arro#an.e
of a +o,erf(l #ro(+ a$$e%+$in# $o i%+oe i$ e$hi. on a le +o,erf(l
#ro(+@ Or/ on $he .on$rar'/ .an ,e !e.lare $ha$ o%e $hin# are ;($
,ron# an! i$1 $he a$$e%+$ $o silence ;(!#%en$ $ha$1 %ore offeni-e@
I1-e ar#(e! $ha$ +'.holo#i.al effe.$ in #eneral !on1$ follo, in
%e.hani.al $i%(l(6re+one fahion fro% $he $hin# $ha$ ha++en $o (0
Ra$her/ ,ha$ %a$$er i $he %eanin# ,e a.ri*e $o ,ha$ ha++en0 I$1 no$
$he a.$ i$elf $ha$ +re!i.$ i$ i%+a.$N i$1 ,ha$ $he a.$ i#nifie $o in!i6
-i!(al an! .o%%(ni$ie0
AD
B($ no, $ha$ in$er+re$i-e a++roa.h fa.e i$
(l$i%a$e .hallen#e7 Are $here o%e *eha-ior/ (.h a $ri&in# .hil!ren
an! !eli*era$el' .a(in# $he% +ain/ $ha$ .an ne-er *e .on$r(e! a
inno.(o( 9%(.h le lo-in#: re#ar!le of $he +aren$1 in$en$ion@ We)
or/ %ore i%+or$an$/ $he .hil!)%a' $r(##le !e+era$el' $o re#ar! an a.$
of -iolen.e a an e2+reion of .arin# *($ (l$i%a$el' fin! i$ i%+oi*le $o
A P P E N D I K CAH
+erfor% $hi a.$ of e%o$ional al.he%'0 An! e-en if a .hil! could re.on6
.ile $hee $hin#/ i a .o%%in#lin# of lo-e an! -iolen.e a #oo! $hin#@
Do ,e ,an$ .hil!ren $o #ro, (+ $hin&in# $ha$ h(r$in# +eo+le i a ,a'
of ho,in# .on.ern for $he%@
A$ lea$ +ar$ of $he reaon for o++oin# +h'i.al +(nih%en$ i
+ra.6$i.al ra$her $han %oral/ of .o(re0 Reear.her ,ho re#ar! $he
+ra.$i.e a +ro*le%a$i. #enerall' +oin$ $o $he effe.$ i$ ha0 To $ha$
e2$en$/ $he Dea$er6De.&ar! an! Do!#e 9D6D P D: .lai%)$ha$ $hoe
effe.$ !on1$ o..(r in o%e .hil!ren)i i%+or$an$ $o .oni!er0 B($ for
e-eral rea6on/ I1% no$ .on-in.e! i$1 $r(e0
Fir$ of all/ $he ar#(%en$ 9$ha$ *la.& &i! aren1$ a!-erel' affe.$e! *'
+h'i.al +(nih%en$ in $he ,a' ,hi$e &i! are: re$ on $he +re%ie $ha$
+h'i.al +(nih%en$ i %(.h %ore +er-ai-e in $he Afri.an A%er6i.an
.o%%(ni$'0 Tha$/ a ,e1-e een/ i $r(e0 B($ i$ +oe a +ro*le% for
!ra,in# .on.l(ion a*o($ $he effe.$ of $hi +(nih%en$0 8oni!er an
analo#'7 If ,e ,an$e! $o $(!' ,he$her ea$in# a lo$ of fih ha! .er$ain
*enefi.ial heal$h effe.$/ i$ ,o(l! *e ,ie $o loo& a$ a #ro(+ of (*;e.$
$ha$ in.l(!e! o%e +eo+le ,ho a$e h(#e a%o(n$ of fih/ o%e ,ho a$e
le/ an! o%e ,ho a$e none a$ all0 Then ,e .o(l! in-e$i#a$e ,he$her
$here ,a a rela$ionhi+ *e$,een heal$h an! $he a%o(n$ of fih $ha$ ,a
.on(%e!/ on.e o$her fa.$or ,ere $a&en in$o a..o(n$0 B($ if ,e $(!ie!
a #ro(+ of +eo+le al%o$ all of ,ho% re#(larl' a$e fih/ i$ ,o(l! *e %ore
!iffi.(l$ $o ae $he i#nifi.an.e of ho, heal$h' $he' ,ere0 Th(/ for a
#ro(+ of fa%ilie ,ho ro($inel' rel' on +h'i.al +(nih%en$/ i$1 har! $o
iola$e $he effe.$ of *ein# (*;e.$e! $o i$0 The fa.$ $ha$ $here1 le ran#e
or -aria*ili$' in ho, Afri.an A%eri.an !i.i+line $heir .hil6!ren %i#h$
e2+lain a la.& of .orrela$ion *e$,een +h'i.al +(nih%en$ an! +e.ifi.
effe.$0
AG
In fa.$/ ,i$h an' #ro(+ ,here $he i!ea of !i.i+line -ir$(all' -eans
+h'i.al +(nih%en$)an! ,here (.h +(nih%en$ i (++oe! $o *e/
a D6D P D ar#(e/ a %ar&er for +aren$al in-ol-e%en$ an! .on.ern)
i$ a*en.e %a' i#nal a la.& of ;($ (.h in-ol-e%en$ an! .on.ern0
Th(/ i$ ,o(l!n1$ *e (r+riin# $o fin! $ha$ &i! ,ho ,eren1$ +(nihe!
!i!n1$ ne.earil' fare *e$$er $han $hoe ,ho ,ere0
AF
Thee .oni!era$ion %a' alo a++l' $o a fe, o$her $(!ie $ha$ ha-e
e.hoe! D6D P D1 fin!in#0 One !i.o-ere! $ha$/ a%on# $eena#er ,ho
,ere Afri.an A%eri.an)*($ no$ a%on# $hoe ,ho ,ere E(ro+ean
CAJ A P P E N D I K
A%eri.an/ Aian A%eri.an/ or Hi+ani. A%eri.an)"(nila$eral +aren$al
!e.iion %a&in# ,a .orrela$e! ,i$h *e$$er a!;($%en$7 le in-ol-e%en$
in !e-ian.e an! hi#her a.a!e%i. .o%+e$en.e05 Ho,e-er/ ;oin$ !e.iion6
%a&in#/ ,here +aren$ an! $een ,or&e! $hin# o($ $o#e$her/ alo +re6
!i.$e! lo,er ra$e of !e-ian.e for .hil!ren of all e$hni. *a.&#ro(n!0
AH
A e.on! $(!' fo(n! "no ao.ia$ion *e$,een .or+oral
+(nih%en$ an! .on!(.$ +ro*le% in .o%%(ni$ie ,here .or+oral
+(nih%en$ ,a ,i!el' +re-alen$05 B($ here/ $oo/ $here ,a an
i%+or$an$ .a-ea$7 E-en in $hee .o%%(ni$ie/ (.h +(nih%en$ ,a
"no$ *enefi.ial in +re-en$in# an$io.ial *eha-ior 0 0 0 on.e $he effe.$ of
.are$a&er %oni$orin# an! !i6.i+line =,ere> $a&en in$o a..o(n$05 Th(/
e-en if $here are -aria$ion in $he da-age .a(e! *' hi$$in# .hil!ren/
$ha$ !oen1$ %ean $ha$ hi$$in# .hil!ren i e-er use)ul.
AJ
More i#nifi.an$ $ill i $he fa.$ $ha$ o$her reear.h fail $o (++or$
$he D6D P D fin!in#0 A AIIH $(!' fo(n! $ha$ $he (e of .or+oral +(n6
ih%en$ le! $o %ore an$io.ial *eha-ior for *o$h %inori$' an! ,hi$e
.hil!ren/ an! $he e2$en$ of $ha$ effe.$ ,a !ire.$l' rela$e! $o $he
a%o(n$ of +(nih%en$ $he' ha! re.ei-e! earlier0
AI
Three 'ear la$er/
ano$her $(!' .onfir%e! $ha$ .oer.i-e !i.i+line ,a ao.ia$e! ,i$h
.on!(.$ +ro*le% in lo,6in.o%e Afri.an A%eri.an .hil!ren0 The
+'.holo#i$ ,ho re+or$e! $hi re(l$ +oin$e!l' no$e! $ha$ i$ "$an! in
.on$ra$5 $o $he D6D P D fin!in#0
CB
The i!ea $ha$ hi$$in# .hil!ren !oen1$ har% $he% if $he'1re +ar$ of a
.(l$(re $ha$ a..e+$ $hi +ra.$i.e a a++ro+ria$e ,o(l! ee% $o i%+l'
$ha$ $he .hil!ren $he%el-e re#ar! i$ a le#i$i%a$e0 To!!ler are $oo
'o(n# $o ha-e for%e! (.h a ;(!#%en$/ ,hi.h %a' in i$elf +oe a
+ro*6le% for $he ,hole $heor'0 B($ one $(!' a&e! ol!er .hil!ren
9a#e nine $o i2$een: in $he We$ In!ie/ ,here harh +h'i.al
+(nih%en$ i ,i!e6+rea!/ ,ha$ $he' $ho(#h$ a*o($ i$0 I$ $(rne! o($
$ha$ (.h +(nih%en$ ha! $he a%e ne#a$i-e effe.$ on &i! ,ho
*elie-e! i$ ,a a++ro+ria$e $ha$ i$ !i! on $hoe ,ho !i!n1$ *elie-e $hi7
"The +'.holo#i.al a!;($6%en$ of 'o($h ,ho *elie-e +aren$ ho(l!
+(nih $he% +h'i.all' $en! $o *e i%+aire! $o $he a%e !e#ree a
$he a!;($%en$ of 'o($h ,ho !o no$ hare $hi .(l$(ral *elief05
CA
Finall'/ $ho(#h/ le$1 a(%e for $he a&e of $he ar#(%en$ $ha$ +e.if6
i. ne#a$i-e o($.o%e/ (.h a $he +reen.e of .on!(.$ !ior!er/ reall'
!on1$ ho, (+ 9a$ lea$ ri#h$ a,a': in Afri.an A%eri.an &i! ,ho are
A P P E N D I K CAI
(*;e.$e! $o .or+oral +(nih%en$0 Tha$ har!l' +ro-e $ha$ (.h
+(nih6%en$ i har%le0 If I1% ri#h$ a*o($ $he ini!io( effe.$ of
lea!in# .hil6!ren $o e3(a$e lo-e an! -iolen.e/ $hen reear.her ,ho
e2a%ine! a ,i!er arra' of +oi*le o($.o%e %i#h$ ,ell fin! ne#a$i-e
i%+a.$ $ha$ .($ a.ro line of ra.e an! .la0
A#ain/ +aren$ ,ho !i.$a$e $o or hi$ $heir .hil!ren %a' ,ell *e !oin#
o in an a$$e%+$ $o $ea.h $he%/ an! $he' %a' *e !oin# o o($ of .on.ern
for $heir ,ell6*ein#/ +ar$i.(larl' in +la.e ,here $hee ha-e *e.o%e $he
!efa(l$ ,a' of e2+rein# $ha$ .on.ern0 Unfor$(na$el'/ a!%ira*le in$en6
$ion !on1$ #(aran$ee a +oi$i-e o($.o%e0 Ba! $hin# !one for #oo! rea6
on aren1$ nearl' a hel+f(l a good $hin# !one for #oo! reaon0
Nor are +oi$i-e re(l$ a(re! e-en if $he .hil!ren $he%el-e
a..e+$ $ha$ $hi $'le of +aren$in# reall' i an e2+reion of lo-e)or
.on-in.e $he%el-e of $hi on.e $he'1re #ro,n0 We learn $o $a&e ,ha$
,e .an #e$)a'/ if +h'i.al +(nih%en$ a++ear $o *e $he onl'
al$erna$i-e $o in!ifferen.e0 B($ $he 3(e$ion i ,h' $hee are a(%e! $o
*e $he onl' $,o +oi*ili$ie a-aila*le0 Thi i analo#o( $o %' earlier
+oin$ a*o($ +raie7 If .on!i$ional a..e+$an.e i $he onl' +oi*ili$'/ &i!
,ill !rin& i$ in an! e-en a' $he' ,ih $he'1! #o$$en %ore0 B($ $ha$1 no$ a
+er(ai-e !efene of +raie0 No$ all for% of a..e+$an.e)or lo-e/ or
%o$i-a$ion/ or ,a' of #e$$in# .hil!ren1 a$$en$ion ,hen $he'1-e !one
o%e$hin# ,ron#)are $he a%e/ nor are $he' e3(all' !eira*le0
There1 ano$her ,a' $ha$ !ifferen.e a%on# #ro(+ are (e! $o e2+lain
an! ;($if' a +e.ifi. a++roa.h $o raiin# .hil!ren0 I$1 o%e$i%e ai! $ha$
+h'i.al +(nih%en$/ alon# ,i$h a %ore a($hori$arian $'le of +aren$in# in
#eneral/ i a ra$ional re+one $o li-in# in a !an#ero( nei#h*orhoo!0
The ar#(%en$ #oe o%e$hin# li&e $hi7 Ma'*e affl(en$ fa%ilie .an
affor! $he l(2(r' of a %ore rela2e!/ +ro#rei-e/ or !e%o.ra$i. a++roa.h
$o .hil! rearin#/ *($ $hin# are -er' !ifferen$ in $he inner .i$'0 There/ %a&6
in# (re $ha$ &i! follo, $he r(le)o*e' $he la,/ $oe $he line/ !efer $o
a($hori$' fi#(re e-en ,hen ,ha$ $he'1re !e%an!in# %a' ee% (n;($)
.an li$erall' !e$er%ine ,he$her $hee &i! (r-i-e $o a!(l$hoo!0 In $hi
-ie,/ $ri.$ !i.i+line i a!a+$i-e an! +erha+ e-en ne.ear'0 Mi.helle
Kelle'/ a reear.her a$ Ol! Do%inion Uni-eri$'/ an! her .ollea#(e +($ i$
$hi ,a'7 "The .one3(en.e of !io*e!ien.e in a lo,6in.o%e nei#h6
CCB A P P E N D I K
*orhoo! 0 0 0 =,here .hil!ren> are a$ #rea$er ri& for in-ol-e%en$ in an$i6
o.ial a.$i-i$' 9ei$her a -i.$i% or a +er+e$ra$or: 0 0 0 %a' *e %(.h
%ore erio( =$han in a %i!!le6.la nei#h*orhoo!> an! %a' re3(ire
%ore for.ef(l %e$ho! $o +re-en$ any le-el of in-ol-e%en$05
CC
Thi i an in$ere$in# $heor'/ in +ar$ *e.a(e i$ (##e$ $ha$ o%e6
$hin# a*o($ $he en-iron%en$/ ra$her $han o%e$hin# a*o($ $he in!i-i!(6al
li-in# in $ha$ nei#h*orhoo! 9(.h a $heir ra.e or .la:/ a..o(n$ for $he
(e of hea-'6han!e! !i.i+line0 I$1 alo a re%in!er $o %an' (*(r6*an
,hi$e $ha$ $he' ha-en1$ a .l(e a*o($ $he !a'6$o6!a' reali$' fa.e! *'
+eo+le of .olor in lo,6in.o%e/ hi#h6.ri%e nei#h*orhoo!0
Ne-er$hele/ $here are e-eral +ro*le% ,i$h $hi e2+lana$ion0 For
one $hin#/ i$1 no$ .lear $ha$ $he e-i!en.e (++or$ i$0 Kelle' herelf han1$
.oni$en$l' fo(n! $ha$ $he ,a' "lo,er6.la *la.& %o$her or .are#i-er5
raie $heir .hil!ren i infl(en.e! *' $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h $he'1re ,orrie!
a*o($ $he%0
CE
So%e$hin# o$her $han an o*;e.$i-e a++raial of !an#er %a'
*e re+oni*le for $heir fa-orin# a .er$ain a++roa.h $o !i.i+line0
If $he !an#ero( nei#h*orhoo! $heor' ,ere $r(e/ %oreo-er/ ,e
%i#h$ e2+e.$ $ha$ $he rela$ion *e$,een ho, .hil!ren are !i.i+line!
an! ,he$her $he' en#a#e in an$io.ial *eha-ior ,o(l! -ar' !e+en!in#
on ,here $he' li-e!0 B($ $,o lar#e $(!ie)$he fir$ .on!(.$e! in
AIIF ,i$h %ore $han E/BBB $eena#er fro% !ifferen$ e$hni.
*a.&#ro(n!N an! $he e.on! .on!(.$e! in CBBC ,i$h JDA Afri.an
A%eri.an fa%ilie)fo(n! $ha$ $he effe.$ of !i.i+line $'le !i!n1$
.han#e !e+en!in# on $he &in! of .o%%(ni$' $he' li-e! in/ in.l(!in#
$he +re-alen.e of .ri%e an! !elin63(en.'0
CD
E%+iri.al e-i!en.e ai!e/ $he !an#ero( nei#h*orhoo! ar#(%en$
ee% $o *e .on$r(.$e! on o%e of $hoe fa%iliar fale !i.ho$o%ie/
(.h a ".oer.i-ene -er( +er%ii-ene05 Gran$e!/ .hil!ren in o%e
area %a' nee! e2$ra +ro$e.$ion an! .loer %oni$orin#/ *($ $ha$1 no$ $he
a%e $hin# a a'in# $he' nee!)or ,o(l! *enefi$ fro%)a($hori$arian
+ar6en$in# or +h'i.al +(nih%en$0
CG
The' %a' *enefi$ fro% $r(.$(re/ *($
$ha$ !oen1$ %ean $he' ,o(l! *enefi$ fro% *ein# .on$rolle!0 The' %a'
re3(ire a $ron# +aren$al +reen.e/ *($ no$ a !e%an! for a*ol($e/ !o6
,ha$6'o(1re6$ol!6or6ele o*e!ien.e0 9B' $he a%e $o&en/ i$1 i%+or$an$ no$
$o .ari.a$(re ,ha$ I1-e *een .allin# a ,or&in#6,i$h a++roa.h *' .onf(in#
i$ ,i$h laieM6faire +er%ii-ene0 To +oin$ o($ $he fla, of $he la$$er in1$
$he a%e a %a&in# an ar#(%en$ a#ain$ $he for%er0:
A P P E N D I K CCA
Loo& a#ain a$ $he reear.h !e%on$ra$in# $he effe.$ of hea-'6
han!e! .on$rol an! +(nih%en$/ ,hi.h I re-ie,e! in .ha+$er E an! D/
re+e.6$i-el'0 8hil!ren raie! in $hee ,a' are le li&el' $o a.3(ire a
o+hi$i6.a$e! %oral fra%e,or&0 The' %a' fin! i$ har!er $o !e-elo+ a
fle2i*le (n!er$an!in# of $he i$(a$ion $he' fa.e/ an! $he' %a'
re%ain $ra++e! *' a +reo..(+a$ion ,i$h elf6in$ere$0
Thee $hin# %a$$er0 Moral o+hi$i.a$ion/ .o#ni$i-e fle2i*ili$'/ an!
$he .a+a.i$' $o .are a*o($ o$her aren1$ l(2(rie0 More $o $he +oin$/
$he'1re no$ %($(all' e2.l(i-e ,i$h *ai. (r-i-al &ill an! $ree$
%ar$0 We ,an$ &i! $o ha-e all $hee $hin#0 B($ $ra!i$ional/ +(ni$i-e
!i.i+line %a' re(l$ in $heir ha-in# none of $he%0 E-en if o*e!ien.e
,ere o(r #oal/ $hi i no$ a +ar$i.(larl' effe.$i-e ,a' $o #e$ i$0 Re%e%6
*er/ .hil!ren ,hoe +aren$ are .on$rollin# are of$en less .o%+lian$/
e+e.iall' ,hen $heir +aren$ aren1$ aro(n!0 B($ (l$i%a$el' i$ %a&e
ene $o 3(e$ion $he #oal of ;($ #e$$in# &i! $o o*e' a($hori$'/ ,hi.h
i -er' !ifferen$ fro% $he #oal of !e-elo+in# #oo! ;(!#%en$ an!
re+oni6*ili$'0
I1! e-en #o o far a $o a' $ha$ $he a++roa.h I1-e !e.ri*e! in $he
la$$er half of $hi *oo&)(n.on!i$ional lo-e/ a rela$ionhi+ *ae! on
re+e.$ an! $r($/ $he o++or$(ni$' for .hil!ren $o +ar$i.i+a$e in %a&in#
!e.iion/ an! o on)%a' *e -ost i%+or$an$ for &i! ,ho are
#ro,in# (+ in $o(#h nei#h*orhoo!0
CF
In an' .ae/ $here aren1$ %an'
real6,orl! i$(a$ion in ,hi.h .hil!ren en! (+ !oin# *e$$er a a re(l$
of *ein# le! $o fear $heir +aren$0
NOTES
INTRODU8TION
1. I1-e *orro,e! $hi $ho(#h$ e2+eri%en$ fro% De*orah Meier0
2. 8a#an/ ++0 DGQDF0
3.Thi fi#(re i fro% Si%+on/ +0 AA0 A$ $he $i%e/ in $he %i!6AIIB/ $here ,ere
%ore $han A/GBB +aren$in# *oo& in +rin$0
4.E-en o%e of $he *e$$er *oo&/ ,hoe a++roa.h i reaona*l' re+e.$f(l of
.hil6!ren/ ee% $o in-i$e +aro!'0 For e2a%+le/ $he' no$ onl' a!-ie ( $o (e
"refle.6$i-e li$enin#5 o $ha$ &i! &no, $he'1-e *een hear!/ *($ ell $hi
$e.hni3(e a $ho(#h i$ ha! %a#i.al +o,er $o +ro!(.e in$an$ re(l$0
Child+ Tha$ i o (nfair4 Yo( al,a' !o $hi $o %e4 I ha$e 'o(444 9*(r$ in$o $ear:
Parent+ H%%%0 I$ o(n! li&e 'o( $hin& ,ha$ I1-e +ro+oe! in1$ fair0 Tha$
%a&e 'o( feel an#r'/ !oen1$ i$@
Child+ Ye4 9niff: B($ 0 0 0 ,ell 0 0 0 I #(e I .an li-e ,i$h i$0 9+a(e: Goh/
$han& for $a&in# $he $i%e $o (n!er$an! %e4 I feel all *e$$er no,4
5. For e2a%+le/ ee $he reear.h re-ie,e! in 8ha+%an an! ?ahn6Wa2ler/ +0 IB0
6.Wahin#$on/ D080/ $(!'7 K(.M'n&i an! Ko.han&a0 9U(o$a$ion on ++0 DBD an!
EIJ/ re+e.$i-el'0: "8o%+(li-e .o%+lian.e57 8ri$$en!en an! DiLalla0 P'6
.ho$hera+i$7 For e2a%+le/ ee <((l0 P'.holo#i$ ,ho $(!' +aren$6.hil!
a$$a.h%en$ +a$$ern no$e $ha$ a heal$h' $o!!ler i no$ one ",ho a($o%a$i.all'
.o%+lie ,i$h ,ha$e-er $he %o$her $ell hi%Ther0 Ra$her/ i$ i $he .hil! ,ho ho,
a .er$ain a%o(n$ of non.o%+lian.e ,hen re3(e$e! $o $o+ +la'in# an! .lean (+
$he $o'/ *($ ,ho #ra!(all' .oo+era$e ,i$h $he %o$her5 9Ma$a e$ al0/
p. GGD:0
7. See $he !i.(ion of E!,ar! De.i an! Ri.har! R'an1 reear.h on .on$rol on
pp. GHQGJ0 I e2+lore! $hi i(e in Punished by ,e%ards 9Kohn AIIIa/ ++0
CGBQGC:/ !ra,in# fro% De.i an! R'an1 -er' (ef(l anal'i of !ifferen$ $'+e
of in$ernaliMa$ion0 The lea$ .on$r(.$i-e -erion i "in$ro;e.$ion/5 in ,hi.h
o%eone ,allo, a r(le or -al(e ,hole an! $hen feel +re(re! fro% $he
ini!e $o a.$ in a..or!an.e ,i$h i$0 Thi i e2a.$l' $he or$ of in$ernaliMa$ion
$ha$1 +ro6%o$e! *' $he &in! of !i.i+line I anal'Me $hro(#ho($ $hi *oo&0
N O T E S T O P A G E S H Q C E
8. DeVrie an! ?an/ +0 CGE0
9. 8oloroo/ +0 HH0
8HAPTER A7 8ONDITIONAL PARENTING
1.I$ $(rn o($ $ha$ $hi -ie, of .hil!ren i a +re;(!i.e ra$her $han a .on.l(ion
(+6+or$e! *' #oo! e-i!en.e0 In an earlier *oo&/ The Brighter &ide o) $u-an
7ature, I re-ie,e! h(n!re! of $(!ie (++or$in# $he -ie, $ha$ i$ i a na$(ral
$o *e .arin# an! e%+a$hi. a i$ i $o *e a##rei-e or elf6.en$ere!0 An
a**re-i6a$e! -erion of $hi re-ie, .an *e fo(n! in a AIIA ar$i.le for
e!(.a$or en$i$le! "8arin# Ki!5 9Kohn AIIA:0
2.Thi i fro% a +'.holo#i$ na%e! S$e+hen Bel$M/ in a *oo& $i$le! $o% to
5ake :ohnny W!7T to <bey, +0 CEF0
3.Ba(%rin! AIHC/ +0 CHJ0 She .on$in(e7 "The +aren$ ,ho e2+ree lo-e
(n.on6!i$ionall' i en.o(ra#in# $he .hil! $o *e elfih an! !e%an!in#5)
(##e$in# $ha$ an e.ono%i. %o!el for h(%an rela$ionhi+ %a' #o han!6in6
han! ,i$h a !i% -ie, of h(%an na$(re0
4.Mar#are$ 8lar& +(*lihe! e-eral $(!ie in $he la$e AIHB an! 1JB $o e2+lore $he
!ifferen.e *e$,een ,ha$ he .alle! "e2.han#e5 rela$ionhi+ an! ".o%%(6nal5
rela$ionhi+0 The +e.ifi. fin!in# a*o($ %arria#e i fro% a $(!' *' M(r$ein e$
al0 For a *roa!er in-e$i#a$ion of $he ,a' $ha$ e.ono%i. %o!el an! %e$a+hor
ha-e .o%e $o $a&e o-er o$her !o%ain of life/ ee Barr' S.h,ar$M1 *oo& The
Battle )or $u-an 7ature a ,ell a %an' of Eri.h Fro%%1 ,ri$in#0
5. For e2a%+le/ ee Ro#er AIGI0
6.See ,,,0!oh0ieTf(ll$e2$T8hil!renWFir$T8ha+$erC0h$%l0 While ,e* lin& .o%e
an! #o/ I ha-e a$ -ario( $i%e fo(n! $hi !o.(%en$ on $he i$e of a heriff1
!e+ar$%en$ in Illinoi an! an an$i6a*(e #ro(+ 98APSEA: in Penn'l-ania/ a
,ell a a referen.e $o i$ ha-in# *een in.l(!e! ,i$h a +ro+oe! la, in
Mio(ri0 I$ ha alo *een .i$e! on o$her i$e in En#lan! an! 8ana!a0
7.For e2a%+le/ "+aren$ #enerall' re+or$e! $ha$ $he' in.l(!e! $heir .hil!ren
%ore in fa%il' !e.iion %a&in# $han $he .hil!ren +er.ei-e! $o *e $r(e5 9E..le
e$ al0/ ++0 FCQFE:0
8.Three $(!ie are .i$e! $o (++or$ $hi .lai% in Kerni e$ al0/ +0 CEB0 E-en ,hen
$here1 no o++or$(ni$' $o .o%+are $he rela$i-e a..(ra.' of $hee $,o a..o(n$/
o$her reear.h ha fo(n! $ha$ +aren$al elf6re+or$ !on1$ al,a' ;i*e ,i$h ,ha$ $he
e2+eri%en$er ha o*er-e! 9e0#0/ Ko.han&a AIIHN Ri$.hie:0
9.Hoff%an AIHBa/ e+0 Ta*le IV on +0 ABF0 Thee re(l$/ an! o$her +er$ainin#
$o $he (e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al/ are !i.(e! on ++0 CIQEB0 For .orro*ora$ion
of $he *ai. fin!in# $ha$ "i$ i $he .hil!1 o,n e2+erien.e of =+aren$in#>
*eha-ior $ha$ i li&el' $o ha-e $he #rea$e$ i%+a.$ on $he .hil!1 (*e3(en$
!e-elo+6%en$/5 ee Morri e$ al0N 3(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 ADH0
10. Aor e$ al0 The 3(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 FB0 I$1 no$ .lear fro% $hi $(!' ,h'
$hee +aren$ $rea$e! $heir .hil!ren $he ,a' $he' $he%el-e ha! *een $rea$e!/ *($
I !i.( o%e +oi*le e2+lana$ion for .on!i$ional +aren$in# in .ha+$er F0
11.Har$er e$ al0 Moreo-er/ $hi "ene of *ein# lo-e! .on$in#en$l'/ onl' if one !oe
CCD N O T E S T O P A G E S C E Q E A
,ha$ o%eone ele ,an$ one $o !o/ $en! $o ere.$ *arrier $o .o%%(ni.a$ion 0 0 0
=$h( %a&in#> i$ har!er $han e-er $o a-oi! .on$in#en$ lo-e0 0 0 0 I$1 a -i.io(
.ir6.le of .o%%(ni.a$i-e *arrier5 9Ne,.o%*/ +0 GE:0
12. The 3(o$a$ion i fro% Har$er AIII/ +0 AJA0 For reear.h on $he effe.$ of
(n.on6!i$ional (++or$ fro% +aren$ an! $ea.her/ ee/ re+e.$i-el'/
For%anN an! Ma&ri6Bo$ari0 The la$$er $(!' alo fo(n! $ha$ $(!en$ ,ho fel$
(n.on!i$ion6all' a..e+$e! *' $heir $ea.her ,ere %ore li&el' $o *e #en(inel'
in$ere$e! in learnin# an! a+$ $o en;o' .hallen#in# a.a!e%i. $a& 9a
o++oe! $o !oin# $hin# ;($ *e.a(e $he' ,ere ai#ne! an! +referrin#
eaier $a& a$ ,hi.h $he' &ne, $he' ,o(l! *e (..ef(l:0
13.The fir$ en$en.e here i fro% $he Lo-e Wi$h!ra,al S.ale !e-elo+e! *'
Bren$ Mallin.&ro!$ a$ $he Uni-eri$' of Mio(ri an! hi .ollea#(e0 The
e.on! en6$en.e 9.han#e! in$o $he fir$6+eron: i fro% an in$r(%en$ (e!
*' Mi.hael Ker6ni an! hi .ollea#(e a$ $he Uni-eri$' of Geor#ia0
8HAPTER C7 GIVING AND WITHHOLDING LOVE
1. 8ha%*erlain an! Pa$$eron/ +0 CAH0
2. 8ha+%an an! ?ahn6Wa2lerN 3(o$a$ion a++ear on ++0 IB an! IC0
3. Hoff%an AIHB*/ ++0 CJGQJF0
4. Hoff%an AIHB*/ +0 EBB0
5. Dien$*ier e$ al0/ +0 EBH0
6.Self6e$ee%7 Thi fin!in# fro% S$anle' 8oo+er%i$h1 .lai. $(!' of fif$h6
an! i2$h6#ra!e *o' i !e.ri*e! in Ma..o*' an! Mar$in/ +0 GG0 A $hir! of a
.en$(r' la$er/ i$ ,a re+li.a$e! ,i$h *o$h *o' an! #irlN ee Kerni e$ al0 CBBB0
E%o6$ional heal$h an! !elin3(en.'7 Gol!$ein an! Hea-en)a re.en$ $(!' of
A(6$ralian hi#h .hool $(!en$0 De+reion7 Bar*er)a $(!' of JHG fif$h6/
ei#h$h6/ an! $en$h6#ra!e $(!en$0
7. Ma..o*' an! Mar$in/ +0 GG0
8.Un((all' an2io(7 A AIFF $(!' *' Per!(e an! S+iel*er#er i !e.ri*e! in
Hoff6%an AIHB*/ +0 EBC0 Afrai! $o ho, an#er7 Hoff%an AIHBa/ ++0 ABJQI0
Fear of fail(re7 Ellio$ an! Thrah0 9Thee a($hor ill($ra$e $he .on.e+$ of lo-e
,i$h6!ra,al *' referrin# $o "$he ,i!el' en!ore! R$i%e6o($1 $e.hni3(e05: A-oi!
a$$a.h%en$7 S,anon an! Mallin.&ro!$N $he 3(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 DFH0
9The e2$en$ $o ,hi.h $he ACG (n!er#ra!(a$e in $hi la$ $(!' ha!
e2+erien.e! lo-e ,i$h!ra,al ,a a -er' i#nifi.an$ +re!i.$or of $heir $en!en.'
$o a-oi! in$i%a.'/ e-en af$er $a&in# a..o(n$ of o$her fea$(re of $heir fa%ilie
of ori#in0 A e.on! $(!'/ $hi one ,i$h %ore $han DBB (n!er#ra!(a$e)
Mallin.&ro!$ an! Wei) .onfir%e! a rela$ionhi+ *e$,een lo-e ,i$h!ra,al/ on
$he one han!/ an! ine6.(ri$' an! a$$a.h%en$ !iffi.(l$ie/ on $he o$her0:
9.Hoff%an AIHBaN an! AIHB*/ e+0 ++0 EEIQDB0 I ho(l! %en$ion $ha$ an earlier
$(!' 9Sear e$ al0: fo(n! $ha$ &in!er#ar$en .hil!ren ,hoe %o$her (e! lo-e
,i$h!ra,al and #enerall' ee%e! ,ar% ,i$h $he% ,ere %ore li&el' $han o$her
.hil!ren $o a!%i$ $ha$ $he' *ro&e a r(le/ or $o a.$ #(il$'/ *efore $he' ,ere .a(#h$0
9A ano$her ,ri$er =Be.&er/ +0 AJG> la$er +($ i$/ i$ %a!e ene $ha$ $here ,a an
N O T E S T O P A G E S E A Q D A
effe.$ onl' ,i$h ,ar% %o$her *e.a(e here $here ,a "%ore lo-e $o loe05:
Ho,e-er/ (*e3(en$ reear.h ha rarel' ho,n an'$hin# ree%*lin# a +oi$i-e
effe.$ on %oral !e-elo+%en$ a a re(l$ of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al0 O$her $(!ie/ in.l(!in#
$he one !e.ri*e! in $he $e2$/ (##e$ $ha$ $hi a++roa.h $o !i.i+line i "an
in(ffi.ien$ *ai for $he !e-elo+%en$ of 0 0 0 a f(ll' =for%e!> .on.ien.e5 9Hoff%an
an! Sal$M$ein/ +0 GF:0 In!ee!/ one %i#h$ 3(e$ion ,he$her $he "+o6i$i-e5 re(l$ in
$he Sear e$ al0 $(!')a .o%+(lion $o .onfe)i reall' ,ha$ ,e1re loo&in# for0
There1 a !ifferen.e *e$,een a fear of *ein# .a(#h$/ on $he one han!/ an! a
#ro,in# ene)#ro,in#/ no$ 'e$ fir%l' e$a*lihe!/ in a fi-e6'ear6ol!)$ha$ an
a.$ion i ,ron#/ on $he o$her0 A..or!in# $o +'.holo#i$ Wen!' Grolni.&/ $hi
in$ernal +re(re i "an$i$he$i.al $o a feelin# of a($ono%'/ *e.a(e $he .hil! .anno$
.hooe $o ri& non.o%+lian.e)$he $a&e are i%+l' $oo hi#h5 ,hen $he +aren$1
lo-e %i#h$ !ia++ear 9Grolni.&/ +0 DH:0
10.B($ onl' a *i$/ *e.a(e $he i!ea !e.ri*e! in $he ne2$ fe, +ara#ra+h/ alon#
,i$h $he e-i!en.e $o (++or$ $he%/ ha-e alrea!' *een lai! o($ a$ o%e len#$h
in %' *oo& Punished by ,e%ards 9Kohn AIIIa:0
11. See Kohn AIIIa/ .ha+$er GN an! De.i e$ al0 AIII)an! $he .ore of
$(!ie (%6%ariMe! in ea.h0
12. Effor$ $o !e$er%ine $he effe.$ of +raie on in$rini. %o$i-a$ion are
.o%+li.a$e! *' $he fa.$ $ha$ !ifferen$ reear.her ha-e %ean$ !ifferen$ $hin#
*' "+raie5 9ee Kohn AIIIa/ e+0 ++0 IIQABA/ CFA:0 A re.en$ re-ie, of $he
reear.h fo(n! $ha$/ "al$ho(#h -er*al re,ar! enhan.e in$rini. %o$i-a$ion for
.olle#e $(!en$/ $he' !o no$ !o o for .hil!ren5 9De.i e$ al0 AIII/ +0 FEJ:0
13.M0 B0 Ro,e0
14.Thi a+$ +hrae i fro% DeVrie an! ?an/ +0 DF0
15. B(rhan an! D,e.&0 The .on$en$ of +raie %a' alo *e rele-an$ here0
Reear.her a#ree7 8o%%en$ $ha$ %a&e +eo+le feel a..e+$e! onl'
.on!i$ion6all' are %o$ li&el' $o ha-e a ne#a$i-e i%+a.$0 B($ reear.her
!ia#ree/ a$ lea$ ;(!#in# *' $,o re.en$ $(!ie/ a*o($ ,hi.h or$ of
.o%%en$ !o $ha$0 One e2+eri%en$ ,i$h 'o(n# a!(l$ 9S.hi%el e$ al0: fo(n!
$ha$ +oi$i-e fee!*a.& !i!n1$ %a&e $he% feel %ore e.(re if i$ referre! $o $heir
a..o%+lih%en$/ *($ !i! if i$ referre! $o ,ho $he in!i-i!(al reall' ,ere/ ,ha$
$he' .oni!ere! $heir "$r(e inner 3(ali$ie05 B' .on$ra$/ Ka%in an! D,e.&
!i.o-ere! $ha$ "+eron6orien$e!5 +raie/ $he or$ $ha$ offer .hil!ren a #lo*al
"e-al(a$ion of $he%el-e/ $heir $rai$/ or $heir a*ili$ie/5 i $he &in! %o$ li&el'
$o in!(.e a .on$in#en$ feelin# of elf6,or$h an!/ $herefore/ $o .a(e $he% $o
fall a+ar$ ,hen $he' en.o(n$er e$*a.&0
16. S(re 'o( .an0 Go ri#h$ ahea!0 I1ll e-en a' $han&0 Ho,e-er/ +e.ifi.
infor%a6$ional fee!*a.&)e2a.$l' ,ha$ in $he *oo& 'o( fo(n! hel+f(l/ or no$ hel+f(l/
an! ,h'),o(l! *e e-en %ore ,el.o%e $han a ;(!#%en$/ *e i$ +oi$i-e or ne#6
a$i-e0 In an' .ae/ %(.h a I1% (re I1! en;o' %ee$in# 'o(/ $he reali$' i $ha$ I !on1$
!e+en! on 'o( for (n.on!i$ional lo-e0 8o%%(ni.a$ion fro% one a!(l$ $o ano$her/
e+e.iall' ,hen $he $,o ha-e no .loe +ree2i$in# rela$ionhi+/ ;($ aren1$
analo#o( $o ,ha$ +aren$ a' $o $heir .hil!ren0 Therefore/ $he fa.$ $ha$ I %ile
#ra$ef(ll' ,hen 'o( $ell %e $hi *oo& .han#e! 'o(r life !oen1$ allo, (
CCF N O T E S T O P A G E S D A Q D D
$o .on.l(!e $ha$ (in# +oi$i-e reinfor.e%en$ on o(r &i! reall' in1$ o *a!0
17.For a !i.(ion of $ha$ re-ie,/ a ,ell a of $he i(e raie! in $he follo,in#
$,o +ara#ra+h/ ee Kohn AIID0
18.Are 'o( $ar$in# $o ee a +a$$ern here@ We ha-e $o %o-e *e'on! $he "in#le
en$i$'5 ,a' of $hin&in# a*o($ $hin#/ ,he$her i$1 +aren$al lo-e 9+0 AB:/
%o$i-a$ion 9+0 EE:/ or elf6e$ee%0 In ea.h .ae/ i$1 a %a$$er no$ ;($ of ho,
%(.h *($ of ,ha$ &in!0
19.De.i an! R'an AIIG/ +0 EE0 The he(ri$i. -al(e of fo.(in# no$ on $he i%+le
le-el of elf6e$ee%/ *($ ra$her on i$ .on$in#en.' 9alon# ,i$h o$her in!i.a$or
of i$ e.(ri$' or fra#ili$':/ i alo lai! o($ in Kerni CBBE0 An! i$ ,a no$i.e! *'
Ali.e Miller/ ,ho (##e$e! $ha$ one i free fro% !e+reion "onl' ,hen elf6
e$ee% i *ae! on $he a($hen$i.i$' of one1 o,n feelin# an! no$ on $he
+oe6ion of .er$ain 3(ali$ie5 9+0 GJ:0 She %ain$aine! $ha$ $hi i no$
o%e$hin# ,e nee! fro%/ or $ha$ i$ ,o(l! *e eno(#h $o #e$ fro%/ a $hera+i$0
8arl Ro#er *elie-e! $ha$ one of $he %o$ i%+or$an$ ,a' +'.ho$hera+' .an
heal i *' +ro6-i!in# $he "(n.on!i$ional +oi$i-e re#ar!5 $ha$ o(#h$ $o ha-e
*een re.ei-e! 'ear earlier0 B($ Miller i le ho+ef(l7 "Thi i a .hil!hoo!
nee!/5 he a'/ "one $ha$ .an ne-er *e f(lfille! la$er in life5 9+0 FJ:0
20. The !rin&in# $(!'7 Nei#h*or e$ al0 8i$a$ion for reear.h $ha$ .onfir% $he
o$her .one3(en.e li$e! here are +ro-i!e! *' 8ro.&er an! Wolfe/ ++0 FBF/
FADQAG0 Ul$i%a$el'/ $hee $,o a($hor *elie-e $ha$ "*eha-ior i no$ a f(n.$ion
of ,he$her elf6e$ee% i .on$in#en$ or no$ *($ ra$her !e+en! on $he +e.ifi.
!o%ain on ,hi.h a +eron ha $a&e! elf6,or$h5 9+0 GIH:)$ha$ i/ ,he$her
+eo+le feel #oo! a*o($ $he%el-e on $he *ai of o$her +eo+le1 a++ro-al/
*ein# -ir$(o(/ !oin# #oo! ,or&/ an! o for$h0 In a la$er $(!'/ 8ro.&er e$ al0
.i$e o%e e-i!en.e $o (++or$ $hi i!ea $ha$ "$he !o%ain on ,hi.h elf6,or$h
i $a&e! are %ore i%+or$an$ $han ,he$her elf6,or$h i/ o-erall/ .on$in#en$ or
no$5 9+0 IBG:)a$ lea$ a%on# $ha$ +ar$i.(lar a%+le of .olle#e $(!en$0
21. Ho, %an' of ( a.$(all' #e$ $here i ano$her 3(e$ion0 Af$er !e.ri*in# $he
i!eal .enario)in ,hi.h an in!i-i!(al e2+erien.e onl' (n.on!i$ional +oi$i-e
re#ar! o $ha$ "no .on!i$ion of ,or$h ,o(l! !e-elo+/ elf6re#ar! ,o(l! *e
(n.on!i6$ional/ $he nee! for +oi$i-e re#ar! an! elf6re#ar! ,o(l! ne-er *e a$
-arian.e ,i$h or#ani%i. e-al(a$ion/ an! $he in!i-i!(al ,o(l! .on$in(e $o *e
+'.ho6lo#i.all' a!;($e!/ an! ,o(l! *e f(ll' f(n.$ionin#5)8arl Ro#er .on.e!e!
$ha$/ ,hile "h'+o$he$i.all' +oi*le/5 $hi "!oe no$ a++ear $o o..(r in a.$(ali$'5 9+0
CCD:0 The +'.holo#i$ Al*er$ Elli/ ,ho alo e%+haiMe $he i%+or$an.e of
(n.on!i$ional elf6a..e+$an.e/ li&e,ie re#ar! i$ a "a ha*i$ $ha$ .an ne-er *e
+erfe.$l' a.3(ire!5 98ha%*erlain an! Haa#a/ +0 AHC:0 An! $,o reear.her ,ho
+e.ialiMe in $hi (*;e.$ ,ri$e a follo,7 "We !o no$ !en' $ha$ (.h non.on6
$in#en$ +eo+le e2i$0 We (+e.$ $ha$ $he' are 3(i$e rare/ ho,e-er/ a$ lea$ in o(r
Nor$h A%eri.an .(l$(re $ha$ e%+haiMe $he i%+or$an.e of elf6e$ee% an! $he
rela$i-e ,or$h or -al(e of one +eron o-er ano$her *ae! on $heir a..o%+lih6
%en$/ a++earan.e/ a$hle$i. &ill/ ne$ ,or$h/ or #oo! ,or&5 98ro.&er an! Wolfe/
+0 FAFN alo ee 8ro.&er e$ al0:0 Af$er all/ $he' #o on $o +oin$ o($/ +eo+le ,i$h hi#h
elf6e$ee% %a' *e %o$l' (..ef(l a$ %ee$in# $he .on!i$ion $he'1-e
N O T E S T O P A G E S D D Q G C
e$ (+ for li&in# $he%el-e/ *($ $ha$1 no$ $he a%e $hin# a li&in#
$he%el-e (n.on!i$ionall'0
22.Le li&el' $o *e an2io( or !e+ree!7 8ha%*erlain an! Haa#a0
23.R'an an! Bro,n/ +0 HD0 Thi +oin$ i alo %a!e *' 8ro.&er0
24. I %a!e $hi .ae/ al*ei$ ,i$h a le n(an.e! -ie, of elf6e$ee%/ in .ha+$er G
of $he *oo& 7o Contest 9Kohn AIIC:N ee 8ro.&er1 ,or& for %ore re.en$ e-i6
!en.e0 Of .o(re/ i$1 +oi*le $ha$ .o%+e$i$i-ene/ $he nee! $o $ri(%+h o-er
o$her/ i alo a sy-pto- of elf6e$ee% $ha$ i alrea!' .on$in#en$ an! o$her,ie
fra#ile0 Peo+le ,ho har*or f(n!a%en$al !o(*$ a*o($ $heir elf6,or$h %a' *e
!ra,n $o .o%+e$e in a !e+era$e *($ (l$i%a$el' f($ile effor$ $o +ro-e $o $he%6
el-e/ on.e an! for all/ $ha$ $he'1re #oo!0 Para!o2i.all'/ i$ %a' re3(ire a heal$h6
ier ene of elf $o .olla*ora$e ,i$h o$her $han i$ !oe $o $r' $o !efea$ $he%0
8HAPTER E7 TOO MU8H 8ONTROL
1. See Gino$$/ ++0 ABAQC0
2. For e2a%+le/ ee Gr(e. an! Goo!no,/ +0 H0
3.One $(!' fo(n! a i#nifi.an$ ".oheren.e in %o$her1 .hil!rearin# *elief5
(.h $ha$ $hoe ,i$h an a($hori$arian a++roa.h $en!e! $o -ie, e-er'$hin#
$heir .hil6!ren !i! $hro(#h $ha$ len 9Ha$in# an! R(*in:0 An! $he %ore
+aren$ "i#nore .on$e2$(al fa.$or/5 ri#i!l' ".o%+ar=in#> +e.ifi. a.$ ,i$h
e2$ernal $an!ar! of #oo! or *a! *eha-ior/ an! a.$=in#> a..or!in#l'/5 $he
,ore $he o($.o%e for $he .hil! 9Hoff%an AIHBa/ +0 AAE:0
4. A!orno e$ al0 U(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 EJG0
5.One +'.holo#i$ a& ( $o i%a#ine a %o$her ,ho i +la'in# +ee&a*oo ,i$h her
*a*'0 A$ o%e +oin$/ +erha+ ,hen $he #a%e *e.o%e a li$$le $oo $i%(la$in#/ $he
*a*' $(rn a,a' an! (.& hi $h(%*0 Ra$her $han $a&in# her .(e fro% hi% an!
,ai$in# (n$il he1 rea!' $o re(%e +la'in#/ $hi %o$her "lean o-er in$o $he infan$1
line of -iion ,hile .li.&in# her $on#(e $o a$$ra.$ =hi> a$$en$ion0 The infan$/
ho,e-er/ i#nore $he %o$her an! .on$in(e $o loo& a,a'0 Un!a(n$e!/ $he %o$her
+eri$ an! %o-e her hea! .loer $o $he infan$0 The infan$ #ri%a.e an! 0 0 0
$(rn e-en f(r$her a,a'0 0 0 05 The %o$her1 nee! $o .on$rol $he in$er6a.$ion)her
f(n!a%en$al la.& of re+e.$ for $he *a*'1 .lear +referen.e).an ha-e la$in#
effe.$0 He %a' .o%e $o ee hi%elf a hel+le $o affe.$ $he ,orl! aro(n! hi%/
an! he %a' .o%e $o ee hi +aren$)+erha+ o$her in #eneral)a (nre+oni-e
an! (nrelia*le0 Fi#(rin# o($ ho, $o e.a+e fro% (n+leaan$ e2+e6rien.e an! ho,
$o .onole hi%elf *e.o%e +riori$ie/ $h( "+o$en$iall' .o%6+ro%iin# .o#ni$i-e
!e-elo+%en$ an! !i$or$=in#> $he infan$1 in$era.$ion ,i$h o$her +eo+le5 9Troni.&/
++0 AAC/ AAH:0
6.Thi +oin$ i %a!e/ ,i$h a..o%+an'in# .i$a$ion/ *' K(.M'n&i AIJE/ +0 AEEN
an! AIJD/ +0 ABFC0
7.S$a'$on e$ al0 U(o$a$ion on +0 ABFA0 Thi (##e$/ a..or!in# $o $he a($hor/ $ha$
"a !i+oi$ion $o,ar! o*e!ien.e e%er#e in a re+oni-e/ a..o%%o!a$in# o.ial
en-iron%en$ ,i$ho($ e2$eni-e $rainin# =or> !i.i+line5 9+0 ABFG:0 For a re-ie, of
o$her reear.h $ha$ alo fo(n! o*e!ien.e ,a %ore of$en rela$e! $o
CCJ N O T E S T O P A G E S G C Q G G
re+oni-e +aren$in# $han $o !i.i+line or .on$rol/ ee Honi#0 One +air of
reear.her fo(n! $ha$ ,hen %o$her $en!e! $o i%+oe $heir ,ill on infan$ in
$he %anner !e.ri*e! in $he S$a'$on $(!')$ha$ i/ ,hen $he' ,ere %ore
li&el' $o "!ir(+$ $he *a*'1 on#oin# a.$i-i$' ra$her $han a!a+$in# $he $i%in#
an! 3(al6i$' of =$heir> in$er-en$ion an! ini$ia$ion $o $he *a*'1 $a$e/ %oo!/
an! .(rren$ in$ere$5)$he .hil!ren ,ere i#nifi.an$l' %ore li&el' $o *e ra$e!
a h'+era.$i-e ,hen $he' ,ere fi-e or i2 'ear ol! 9<a.o*-i$M an! Sro(fe:0
Ala/ $here ha *een no (*e3(en$ in-e$i#a$ion of $hi in$ri#(in# fin!in# for
$he i%+le reaon $ha$ -ir$(all' all of $he a-aila*le f(n!in# in $he fiel! of
.hil!hoo! !ior!er i reer-e! for ne(ro*iolo#i.all' orien$e! reear.h ra$her
$han for in-e$i#a$ion of $he +oi*le rele-an.e of +aren$in#0
8. 8ro.&en*er# an! Li$%an/ +0 IHB0
9. Par+al an! Ma..o*'0
10.Ko.han&a AIIH0
11.8o%%i$$e! .o%+lian.e7 Ko.han&a an! A&an0 8o%+lian.e ,i$h ano$her
a!(l$7 Fel!%an an! Klein0
12. Thi i +ar$i.(larl' $r(e ,hen $he #oal i $o .o%+el .hil!ren $o a!o+$ a .er$ain
a$$i6$(!e or feelin#0 In $he hor$ r(n/ ,e .an o%e$i%e (..ee! in #e$$in# &i! $o
a.$ a +ar$i.(lar ,a'/ *($ ,e .an1$ %a&e $he% %ant $o !o o),hi.h i ,h' i$1 ill'
$o a& for a!-i.e a*o($ ho, $o "%o$i-a$e5 o(r .hil!ren0 Effor$ $o e2er$ .on$rol are
alo f($ile $o $he e2$en$ $he'1re *ae! on $he a(%+$ion $ha$ +aren$6.hil! rela6
$ionhi+ are one6,a' affair0 Reear.her ha-e .o%e $o realiMe $ha$ %o$her an!
fa$her !on1$ i%+l' a.$ on $heir .hil!ren0 Li&e i$ or no$/ $he rela$ionhi+ i re.i+6
ro.al/ ,i$h ea.h infl(en.in# $he o$her0 "The e%+hai on in$era.$ion ha le! (
a,a' fro% -ie,in# +aren$al *eha-ior a o%e$hin# $ha$ i !one to .hil!ren or )or
.hil!ren $o,ar! $he -ie, $ha$ i$ i !one %ith .hil!ren5 9Ma..o*' an! Mar$in/ +0
HJ:0 I1% ar#(in# $ha$ ,ha$ i $r(e i alo !eira*le7 In$era.$in# ,i$h .hil!ren i/ in
one ene/ an a..(ra$e !e.ri+$ion of ,ha$ !oe ha++en an!/ in ano$her ene/ a
eni*le +re.ri+$ion for ,ha$ o(#h$ $o ha++en0
13.Bal!,in/ e+0 ++0 AEBQEC0
14. La%*orn e$ al0 AIIA0 U(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 ABFC0 Thi i .oni$en$ ,i$h
o$her reear.h 9ee B(ri e$ al0: ho,in# $ha$ 'o(n# a!(l$/ an! +ar$i.(larl'
'o(n# ,o%en/ ,ho ,ere raie! *' a($hori$arian +aren$ are li&el' $o $hin&
+oorl' of $he%el-e a a re(l$0
15.Sa%alin/ +0 F0
16.Thi i a +oin$ $ha$ Mar$in Hoff%an ha %a!e re+ea$e!l' in hi ,ri$in#0 The a%e
#eneral +heno%enon ee% $o $a&e +la.e ,hen .hil!ren are o-er.on$rolle! *'
a!(l$ o$her $han $heir +aren$0 For e2a%+le/ in a .lai. erie of e2+eri%en$ in
$he AIEB 9Le,in e$ al0:/ *o' $oo& +ar$ in .l(* r(n *' %en ,ho ,ere !eli*6era$el'
ei$her !e%o.ra$i. or !i.$a$orial in $heir lea!erhi+ $'le0 So%e of $he .hil6!ren in
$he la$$er #ro(+ !i! in!ee! rea.$ *' *e.o%in# a##rei-e or .o%+e$i$i-e/ *($
%an' o$her ;($ ee%e! ,i$h!ra,n an! a+a$he$i.)(n$il/ $ha$ i/ $he lea!er lef$
$he roo% 9or $he *o' ,ere %o-e! $o a le $i#h$l' .on$rolle! #ro(+:/ a$ ,hi.h
+oin$ $here ,a a har+ rie in a##rei-e *eha-ior0
17.Har$ e$ al0
N O T E S T O P A G E S G F Q F A
18. <((l/ +0 CCB0 Thi i alo $he $he%e of an in$ri#(in# *oo& +(*lihe! in $he
AIHB *' a .lini.al +'.holo#i$ an! !e-o($ 8hri$ian na%e! Si!ne' D0 8rai#7
,aising 2our Child, 7ot by 4orce but by 'ove. I$ re+reen$ a +er+e.$i-e
$ri&in#l' !if6feren$ fro% $ha$ offere! in %o$ reli#io(l' orien$e! +aren$in#
#(i!e I1-e een0 8rai# alo +oin$e! o($/ o*-io(l' ,ell *efore I !i!/ $ha$ "$he
Rene%'1 of $he .hil! i no$ +er%ii-ene/ *($ ra$her $he fear of *ein#
+er%ii-e0 I$ i $hi fear ,hi.h !ri-e #oo!/ %i!!le6.la A%eri.an +aren$ $o
*eha-e $o,ar! $heir .hil6!ren in $hoe .allo(/ (n'%+a$he$i./ ineni$i-e
,a' ,hi.h (l$i%a$el' re(l$ in 'o($hf(l !elin3(en.'5 9+0 EJ:0
19.R'an an! De.i CBBE/ +0 CFG0
20.Aor e$ al0
21.R'an an! De.i CBBB/ +0 DH0
22. <ohnon an! Bir.h0 U(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 FFB0 Bir.h i $he a%e
reear.her ,ho .on!(.$e! a $(!' $ha$ I %en$ione! in $he la$ .ha+$er/ $he
one ho,in# $ha$ .hil!ren ,ho ,ere re,ar!e! or +raie! for !rin&in# an
(nfa%iliar *e-er6a#e .a%e $o fin! i$ le $a$' $han !i! .hil!ren ,ho re.ei-e!
no re,ar! or +raie0
23. Ma..o*' an! Mar$in/ +0 DD0 For one $(!' (++or$in# $ha$ .on.l(ion/
ee Hoff6%an an! Sal$M$ein0
24.The infan$ $(!' ,a fir$ +(*lihe! in AIJD an! i !e.ri*e! in Grolni.&/ ++0
AGQAFN an! alo in Fro!i e$ al0 The e.on! $(!' 9De.i e$ al0 AIIE: fo(n!/ in.i6
!en$all'/ $ha$ i$ ,a i%+oi*le $o +re!i.$ ho, .on$rollin# +aren$ ,ere ;($ on
$he *ai of ho, %(.h $he' $al&e! $o $heir .hil!ren !(rin# $he +la' eion0
Wha$ %a$$ere! ,a ,ha$ $he' ai! an! ho, $he' ai! i$0
25.Grolni.& e$ al0 CBBC0 An earlier $(!' ha! fo(n! $ha$ i26 an! e-en6'ear6ol!
+ain$e! le .rea$i-el')an! en;o'e! i$ le),hen $he' ,ere #i-en
.on$rollin# in$r(.$ion a*o($ ho, $he' ,ere (++oe! $o han!le $he +ain$
9Koe$ner e$ al0:0 O$her reear.h/ %ean,hile 9e0#0/ Dorn*(.h e$ al0 AIJH:/
ha fo(n! a ne#6a$i-e rela$ionhi+ *e$,een a($hori$arian +aren$in# an! $he
#ra!e of hi#h .hool $(!en$0 Ho,e-er/ #ra!e are no$ a #oo! %ea(re of
)an! %a' e-en *e in-ere6l' rela$e! $o)!ee+ $hin&in#/ in$ere$ in learnin#/
an! a +referen.e for .hallen#6in# $a&0 The fa.$ $ha$ a $(!en$ i .hain# an!
o*$ainin# $hoe e2$rini. re,ar! &no,n a A1 %a' *e reaon $o ,orr'/ no$ $o
.ele*ra$e/ a I e2+lain in .ha+$er G0
26. Paren$al .on$rol/ $he a($hor +e.(la$e!/ "%a' $en! $o fo.( $he
.hil!ren1 a$$en6$ion 3(i$e narro,l'/5 ,herea "$he .hil!ren ,hoe a($ono%'
,a (++or$e! a.$(6all' a.hie-e! #rea$er .on.e+$(al (n!er$an!in# of $he
$a& an! ,ere $herefore %ore a*le $o a++l' $hee .on.e+$ ,hen $he' ,ere
alone5 9Grolni.& e$ al0 CBBC/ +0 AGE:0
27.See Flin& e$ al0N an! De.i e$ al0 AIJC0
28.Grolni.&1 (%%ar' .o%%en$ a++ear on ++0 CB an! AGB0 Effe.$ irre+e.$i-e of
a#e7 +0 EB0 9Si%ilarl'/ Gr(e. an! Goo!no, =+0 AA> fo(n! $ha$ "+o,er aer6$ion
ee% $o ha-e $he a%e ne#a$i-e effe.$ on %oral !e-elo+%en$ re#ar!le of a#e05
Bro!' an! Shaffer e2$en!e! $hi .on.l(ion $o $he effe.$ of lo-e ,i$h6!ra,al0:
Effe.$ irre+e.$i-e of ra.e/ .la/ or .(l$(re7 ee $he A++en!i20
CEB N O T E S T O P A G E S F A Q F D
CI0 So%e$i%e +aren$ an! $ea.her (e ,or! li&e structure an! li-its $o ;($if'
$heir a.$ion e-en $ho(#h ,ha$ $he'1re a.$(all' !oin# $o .hil!ren .o(l! %ore
a..(ra$el' *e !e.ri*e! a .on$rol0 8on-erel'/ Grolni.& +oin$ o($ $ha$
reear.h $(!ie .lai%in# $o ho, $ha$ .on$rol i #oo! for &i! of$en $(rn o($
$o ha-e offere! o%e or$ of reaona*le $r(.$(re *($ la*ele! i$ ".on$rol5 9+0
ADI:0 She !efine heal$h' $r(.$(re a "$he +ro-iion of #(i!eline an!
infor%a$ion $ha$ .hil!ren nee! o $he' .an *e elf6!e$er%inin#5 9+0 AH:0 Alo
rele-an$ here7 $he !i$in.$ion *e$,een behavioral control an! psychological
control, ,hi.h ,a ori#ina$e! *' Earl S.haefer/ re-i-e! *' La(ren.e
S$ein*er#/ an! f(r$her !e-el6o+e! *' Brian Bar*er0
8HAPTER D7 PUNITIVE DAMAGES
1.In o%e .ae/ .hil!ren)an!/ e-en %ore .o%%onl'/ a!(l$)%a' *e +(nihe!
,i$ho($ re#ar! $o ,he$her $he in$er-en$ion i effe.$i-e0 The +oin$ %a' *e no$ $o
.han#e f($(re *eha-ior *($ $o e2a.$ re$ri*($ion0 Thi e-i!en$l' %o$i-a$e o%e
$ea.her $o +(nih $heir $(!en$ 9Re'na an! Weiner:N i$1 (n.lear ho, %an' +ar6
en$ reor$ $o +(nih%en$ ,i$h $he #oal of .han#in# ho, $heir .hil!ren a.$ an! ho,
%an' ee +(nih%en$ a a %oral i%+era$i-e 9ee ++0 ABAQC:0
2. Sear e$ al0/ +0 DJD0
3.Toner/ +0 EA0 Li&e,ie/ "+(ni$i-e !i.i+line e%er#e! a a .o%%on or hare! +re6
!i.$or of all $he !i%enion of .hil! !ir(+$i-e *eha-ior/5 re+or$e! $he %(l$i6
(ni-eri$' 8on!(.$ Pro*le% Pre-en$ion Reear.h Gro(+ in CBBB 9S$or%ha& e$
al0N 3(o$a$ion on +0 CD:0 An! fro% ano$her $(!'/ .on!(.$e! in $he Mi!,e$7
P(nih%en$ of -ario( or$ ".on$ri*($e! %ore (ni3(e -arian.e $o +re!i.$in#
+ro*le%6*eha-ior ra$in# $han all !e%o#ra+hi. +re!i.$or .o%*ine!5 9Brenner an!
Fo2N 3(o$a$ion on +0 CGE:0 Of .o(re/ $he !i.o-er' $ha$ +(nih%en$ i ao6.ia$e!
,i$h .hil!ren1 %i*eha-ior .o(l! *e e2+laine! *' $he +oi*ili$' $ha$ +ar6en$ ,i$h
$o(#h &i! are %ore li&el' $o +(nih $he%N in o$her ,or!/ +(nih%en$ %a' *e
"+(lle!5 *' $he .hil!1 a.$ion ra$her $han .a(in# $hoe a.$ion0 Un!o(*$e!l' i$1
$r(e $ha$ $he .a(al arro, +oin$ in %ore $han one !ire.$ion/ *($ *' no, $here1
eno(#h e-i!en.e/ fro% $(!ie !ei#ne! +e.ifi.all' $o $e$ $hi h'+o$hei/ $o
;($if' $he .on.l(ion $ha$ +(nih%en$ i a .a(e %ore $han an effe.$0 For
e2a%+le/ ee Hoff%an AIFB/ +0 ADAN Kan!el an! W(/ +0 AACN 8ohen an! Broo&/ +0
AFCN an!/ for $he .a(a$i-e role +la'e! *' .or+oral +(n6ih%en$ in +ar$i.(lar/
S$ra( CBBA/ .ha+$er AC0 Si%ilarl'/ ,hile +aren$ %a' re+on! %ore harhl' $o a
$o!!ler ,ho i (n((all' a##rei-e/ $ha$ re+one i !ri-en in lar#e +ar$ *' $he
+aren$1 +ree2i$in# a$$i$(!e a*o($ .hil! rearin# 9Ha$in# an! R(*inN ee alo
Gr(e. an! Ma%%one:0
4.A$ $hi ,ri$in#/ $he %o$ a%*i$io( (%%ar' of $he e2i$in# reear.h on .or+o6ral
+(nih%en$ i a %ono#ra+h +(*lihe! *' Gerhoff in CBBC0 Of $he $(!ie he
re-ie,e! $ha$ loo&e! a$ $he effe.$ on hor$6$er% .o%+lian.e/ $hree fo(n! a
+oi$i-e effe.$ an! $,o !i! no$ 9+0 GDH:0 9E-en $hoe $hree !i!n1$ +ro-e $ha$ .or6
+oral +(nih%en$ ,a %ore effe.$i-e $han o$her %e$ho!0: More i%+or$an$/ her
%e$a6anal'i of a ,ho++in# ei#h$'6ei#h$ $(!ie !i.o-ere! $ha$ .or+oral +(n6
N O T E S T O P A G E S F D Q H F
ih%en$ *' +aren$ i ao.ia$e! ,i$h "!e.reae! %oral in$ernaliMa$ion/
in.reae! .hil! a##reion/ in.reae! .hil! !elin3(en$ an! an$io.ial
*eha-ior/ !e.reae! 3(ali$' of rela$ionhi+ *e$,een +aren$ an! .hil!/
!e.reae! .hil! %en$al heal$h/ in.reae! ri& of *ein# a -i.$i% of +h'i.al
a*(e/ in.reae! a!(l$ a##reion/ in.reae! a!(l$ .ri%inal an! an$io.ial
*eha-ior/ !e.reae! a!(l$ %en$al heal$h/ an! in.reae! ri& of a*(in# o,n
.hil! or +o(e5 9+0 GDD:0 Alo ee $he ,or& of M(rra' S$ra(0
5. M.8or! AIIA/ ++0 AHGQF0
6.I offer a .ri$i3(e of o%e of $he "Ne, Di.i+line5 +ro#ra%/ in.l(!in# "Di.i6
+line ,i$h Di#ni$'/5 "8oo+era$i-e Di.i+line/5 "Di.i+line ,i$h Lo-e an! Lo#i./5
an! $he re.o%%en!a$ion offere! *' R(!olf Drei&(r an! hi follo,6er/ in
%' AIIF *oo& for $ea.her/ Beyond Discipline. See e+e.iall' .ha+$er D7
"P(nih%en$ Li$e7 R8one3(en.e1 an! Pe(!o.hoi.e05
7.Pie+er an! Pie+er/ +0 CBJ0 Thi i no$ $o a' $ha$ $here i no (.h $hin# a a
$r(e na$(ral .one3(en.e0 If ,e $a' (+ la$e/ ,e1ll li&el' *e $ire! in $he
%ornin#0 If ,e !on1$ #o ho++in#/ ,e1ll e-en$(all' r(n o($ of foo!0 B($ $hee
.enario are -er' !ifferen$ fro%/ a'/ a +aren$1 ref(al $o hea$ (+ !inner for
a .hil! ,ho .o%e ho%e la$e0 8all $ha$ ,ha$e-er 'o( li&e7 I$1 $ill a
+(nih%en$/ an! one $ha$ feel +ar$i.(larl' h(%ilia$in#/ a$ $ha$0 9An
a..o%+an'in# "I $ol! 'o( o5 or "I$ er-e 'o( ri#h$5 or "I ho+e 'o(1-e learne!
'o(r leon5 ,ill onl' er-e $o %a&e $he .hil! feel e-en ,ore0:
8.Hoff%an AIFB0 Nee!le $o a'/ $hi i har! $o !o0 Reear.h 9e0#0/ Ri$.hie:
.on6fir% $ha$ +aren$ are %ore li&el' $o re+on! +(ni$i-el' !(rin# a .onfli.$ in
,hi.h $he' an! $heir .hil!ren are lo.&e! in a *a$$le of ,ill $han af$er a in#le
a.$ of non.o%+lian.e0
9. Gino$$/ +0 AGA0
10.Hoff%an AIHBa/ +0 AAD0
11.Gor!on AIJI/ ++0 HD/ H0
12.Hoff%an an! Sal$M$ein/ +0 GD0
13. For e2a%+le/ ee Hoff%an AIHBa/ +0 ABI0 S$ra( CBBA 9+0 ABA: %a&e
$he a!!i6$ional +oin$ $ha$ +aren$ ,ho +an& *($ e2+lain ,h' $he'1re !oin# o
are "$ea.hin# $he .hil! ;($ ,ha$ $o !o an! ,ha$ $o a' ,hen he or he hi$
ano$her .hil!05
14. For e-i!en.e $ha$ $hi i $r(e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al/ ee Hoff%an AIHBa/ ++0
ABI/ AAG0
15.Thi a%e +heno%enon ho, (+ in .hool ,i$h re#ar! $o *e$$er an! ,ore
for% of $ea.hin#/ a I ar#(e! in an ar$i.le .alle! "E!(.a$ion1 Ro$$en A++le5
9Kohn CBBC:0
8HAPTER G7 PUSHED TO SU88EED
1. L($har an! Be.&er0
2. Fro%%/ +0 2-i0
3.L($har an! D1A-anMo0 Thee a($hor/ ,ho .on!(.$e! a $(!' of nearl' fi-e h(n6
!re! $eena#er/ o%e in a (*(r*an hi#h .hool an! o%e in an inner6.i$' hi#h
CEC N O T E S T O P A G E S H F Q J D
.hool/ no$e $ha$/ !e+i$e $hee !a$a/ $ea.her ee% $o $hin& $he for%er $(!en$
are in *e$$er ha+e0 The reear.her +e.(la$e $ha$ ",ha$ i een a +ro*le%
*eha-ior ,i$hin an inner6.i$' .hool %a' *e -ie,e! a .rea$i-e elf6e2+reion *'
$he (*(r*an $ea.her an! $h( re+on!e! $o ,i$h #rea$er $oleran.e5 9+0 JFA:0
4. Nore%6He*eien an! <ohnon0 U(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 DCB0
5.In one of hi $an!6(+ ro($ine/ Geor#e 8arlin a&7 "Wha$ &in! of e%+$' +eo6+le
nee! $o -ali!a$e $he%el-e $hro(#h $he a.hie-e%en$ of $heir .hil!ren@ 0 0 0
Here1 a *(%+er $i.&er I1! li&e $o ee7 WE ARE THE PROUD PARENTS OF A 8HILD
WHOSE SELF6ESTEEM IS SUFFI8IENT THAT HE DOESN1T NEED US PROMOTING HIS
MINOR S8HOLASTI8 A8HIEVEMENTS ON THE BA8K OF OUR 8AR05
6.The a-aila*le reear.h !oe no$ (++or$ $he +ra.$i.e of !ela'in# $he $ar$ of
&in!er#ar$en0 A++aren$ a.a!e%i. *enefi$ $(rn o($ $o *e lar#el' ill(or'/ a f(n.6$ion
of $he o.ioe.ono%i. .hara.$eri$i. of $he .hil!ren ,hoe +aren$ hel! $he%
*a.&/ ra$her $han *ein# !(e $o $he +ra.$i.e i$elf0 In o$her ,or!/ $he .hil6!ren of
affl(en$/ hi#hl' e!(.a$e! +aren$ ,o(l! ha-e !one ;($ a ,ell re#ar!6le of
,hen $he' $ar$e! .hool0 An' *enefi$ $ha$ !o $(rn o($ $o *e real $en! $o
e-a+ora$e ,i$hin a .o(+le of 'ear0 An! $he !a$a ho, no o.ial *enefi$ of re!6
hir$in#N if an'$hin#/ $he' hin$ of !ia!-an$a#e $ha$ %a' ho, (+ la$er0 9For
!e$ail/ alon# ,i$h a li$ of referen.e/ ee Marhall0: So%e +aren$ %a' *e
$e%+$e! $o en#a#e in $hi +ra.$i.e *e.a(e of ho, &in!er#ar$en are *e.o%in#
in.reain#l' a.a!e%i.)a $ren! al%o$ (ni-erall' !e+lore! *' e2+er$ in earl'6
.hil!hoo! e!(.a$ion)*($ if %ore .hil!ren *e#in &in!er#ar$en ,hen $he'1re ol!er/
$ha$ %a' e2a.er*a$e $he a..elera$ion of a fo.( on a.a!e%i. &ill/ $here*'
.rea$in# a -i.io( .ir.le 98o!en e$ al0/ +0 CAB:0
7.The reear.h $o (++or$ ,ha$ follo,)in.l(!in# an e2$en!e! !i.(ion of
al$erna$i-e $o $ra!i$ional #ra!e).an *e fo(n! in %' AIII *oo& The
&chools <ur Children Deserve, an! alo/ $o a %ore li%i$e! e2$en$/ in o%e of
$he ea' a*o($ #ra!in# a-aila*le a$
,,,0alfie&ohn0or#T$ea.hin#Tar$i.le0h$%0
8. A%e an! Ar.her0
9. Grolni.& an! R'an0
10.The $(!ie are/ re+e.$i-el'/ Go$$frie! e$ al0 AIIDN an! Dorn*(.h e$ al0 AIJJ0 A
$hir! $(!'/ of fif$h6#ra!e .hil!ren an! $heir +aren$ in Ver%on$/ alo fo(n! $ha$
re,ar! for #oo! #ra!e an! +(nih%en$ for *a! #ra!e ",ere ao.ia$e! ,i$h
lo,er #ra!e an! +oorer a.hie-e%en$ .ore5 a ,ell a "le %o$i-a$ion/
+lea(re/ an! +eri$en.e in !oin# $heir ,or& in .hool5 9Gin*(r# an! Bron6$einN
3(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 ADHB:0 Here/ ho,e-er)(nli&e in $he $,o $(!ie
!e.ri*e! in $he $e2$)i$ ,an1$ a .lear $ha$ $he +aren$al $ra$e#ie caused $hoe
+ro*le%0 I$1 +oi*le $ha$ +aren$ reor$e! $o *ri*e an! $hrea$ *e.a(e $heir
&i! alrea!' ha! a.a!e%i. !iffi.(l$ie for o$her reaon0 B($ a$ $he -er' lea$ $hee
$ra$e#ie !i!n1$ %a&e $hin# an' *e$$er0
11.Bore&0 Fran& M.8o(r$/ $he a($hor of !ngela0s !shes, on.e re%ar&e! $ha$/
!(r6in# ei#h$een 'ear of $ea.hin# a$ a +re$i#io( hi#h .hool/ onl' on.e !i!
a +ar6en$ e-er a& hi%/ "I %' .hil! en;o'in# .hool@5 All $he o$her 3(e$ion
,ere a*o($ $e$ .ore/ .olle#e a++li.a$ion/ an! #e$$in# $he ,or& !one 9.i$e!
in Mer6ro,/ +0 ABC:0
N O T E S T O P A G E S J G Q I I
12. "Of$en (nreali$i. $an!ar!57 Har$er AIII/ +0 CJC0 "Le$$in# $heir +aren$
!o,n57 +eronal .o%%(ni.a$ion ,i$h Lilian Ka$M in AIIH0 Fear of fail(re7 Ellio$
an! Thrah0
13.Grolni.&/ +0 IJ0
14.I !e.ri*e non.o%+e$i$i-e ,a' $o +la'/ learn/ an! ,or& in a *oo& .alle! 7o
Contest+ The Case !gainst Co-petition 9Kohn AIIC:0
15. S.hi%el e$ al0/ +0 GB0 For .i$a$ion $o o$her $heori$ ,ho !efen! $he i!ea of
.on6!i$ional a..e+$an.e an! .on!i$ional elf6e$ee%/ ee 8ro.&er an! Wolfe/ +0
FAD0
16. N(%ero( $(!ie ha-e .onfir%e! $ha$ .hil!ren are na$(rall' in.line! $o $r' $o
%a&e ene of $he ,orl!/ $o +(h $he%el-e $o !o $hin# ;($ *e'on! $heir .(r6
ren$ le-el0 More *roa!l'/ $he i!ea $ha$ i$ i na$(ral $o !o a li$$le a +oi*le i a
reli. of "$enion6re!(.$ion5 or ho%eo$a$i. %o!el/ ,hi.h hol! $ha$ or#ani%
al,a' ee& a $a$e of re$0 Fe, %o!el ha-e *een o $horo(#hl' re+(!ia$e! in
%o!ern +'.holo#'0 In$ere$e! rea!er %i#h$ loo& (+ $he ,or& of Gor!on All6+or$
a ,ell a fin!in# .on.erne! ,i$h $he f(n!a%en$al h(%an i%+e$( $o a$$ain a
ene of .o%+e$en.e 9Ro*er$ Whi$e:/ $o *e elf6!e$er%inin# 9Ri.har! !e 8har%/
E!,ar! De.i/ an! o$her:/ $o a$if' o(r .(rioi$' 9D0 E0 Berl'ne:/ or $o "a.$(aliMe5
o(r +o$en$ial in -ario( ,a' 9A*raha% Malo,:0
17. For one of %an' $(!ie ho,in# $ha$ fail(re lea! $o an e2+e.$a$ion of
f($(re fail(re/ ee Paron an! R(*le0 For reear.h ho,in# $ha$ fail(re lea!
$o a +ref6eren.e for eaier $a& an! $o lo,er in$rini. %o$i-a$ion/ ee
Wi#fiel!N Har$er AIICN an! -ario( +(*li.a$ion of De.i an! R'an0
18.8ro.&er an! Wolfe/ ++0 FAD/ FAH0
8HAPTER F7 WHAT HOLDS US BA8K@
1.See/ for e2a%+le/ $he AIIH an! AIII (r-e' en$i$le! "Ki! Thee Da'5
.on6!(.$e! *' P(*li. A#en!a/ a +(*li. o+inion fir%0 9For !e$ail a*o($ $he
la$$er re+or$7 ,,,0+(*li.a#en!a0or#T+e.ialT&i!T&i!0h$%0: The ne,+a+er
(%6%ar' of $he fir$ of $hee re+or$ a++eare! in $he 7e% 2ork Ti-es on
<(ne CF/ AIIH0
2. Gr(** an! LaMeron/ ++0 GF/ JG0
3.Thee $a$i$i. are fro% $he Na$ional 8en$er for 8hil!ren in Po-er$' a$
8ol(%6*ia Uni-eri$' an! $he Ur*an In$i$($e/ re+e.$i-el'0
4. 8la'$on0
5.For e2a%+le/ +aren$ ,ho !o %(.h of $heir .hil!ren1 ho%e,or& for $he% %a&e a
$e%+$in# $ar#e$ for .ri$i.0 B($ $he %ore +rein# 3(e$ion i ho, %(.h of $ha$
ho%e,or& i ,or$h !oin# *' an'one0 If ,e .onfine $he !i.(ion $o ,he$her +ar6
en$ are $oo in-ol-e!/ $oo ea#er $o %a&e $hin# ea' for $heir .hil!ren/ ,e fail $o
.hallen#e $ra!i$ional for% of $ea.hin# $ha$ are !oin# e-en %ore har% 9ee Kohn
AIII*:0 The $r(.$(re i (n.ri$i.all' a..e+$e! an! .ri$i.i% i !ire.$e! e2.l(i-el'
$o,ar! in!i-i!(al0 Si%ilarl'/ e-er' $i%e ,e a#oniMe o-er $he +ro+er !e#ree of
+aren$al in$er-en$ion ,hen o(r .hil!ren are -i.$i%iMe! *' $heir +eer/ ,e are !i6
$ra.$e! fro% $hin&in# a*o($ ,hi.h a+e.$ of .hool %a' (n,i$$in#l' +ro%o$e 9or
a$ lea$ fail $o !i.o(ra#e: $ha$ &in! of -i.$i%iMa$ion0
CED N O T E S T O P A G E S A B A Q A B G
6. Di2 e$ al0 U(o$a$ion a++ear on ++0 AEJH an! AEHD0
7.8ro6.(l$(ral e-i!en.e7 Pe$eren e$ al0 Rela$ion *e$,een .onfor%i$' an!
!i.i6+line7 L($er e$ al0N an! Gerri e$ al0
8.Hol$/ +0 CA0 To!a'/ he .on$in(e/ -en#ean.e "#oe (n!er $he %ore !i#nifie!
na%e of re$ri*($ion/ ,hi.h li$erall' %ean R+a'in# *a.&01 Ho, $he (fferin#
infli.$e! on an offen!er .o%+ena$e for hi .ri%e ha ne-er *een .lear/
(nle i$ i $hro(#h $he -in!i.$i-e a$ifa.$ion i$ %i#h$ *rin# $o hi -i.$i% an!
o.ie$'0 B($ i $hi ;($i.e@5
9. Gre-en/ +0 FG0
10.For e2a%+le/ one 8hri$ian %ini$er re.o(n$ ho, hi ei#h$een6%on$h6ol! on
,a "!efian$l' .hallen#in#5 hi a($hori$' *' ref(in# $o hol! hi han! in a +ar&6in#
lo$0 Wha$ follo,e! ,a a "erie of re+ea$e! +an&in# 9,i$h e2+lana$ion an!
a*(n!an$ !i+la' of affe.$ion *e$,een ea.h one:/ (n$il he finall' realiMe! $ha$
Da!!' al,a' ,in an! %ins decisively#5 Thi a++roa.h i !e.ri*e! a "lo-in#
.orre.$ion05 9Larr' To%.Ma&1 *oo& i 3(o$e! in Gre-en/ +0 FI0:
11.See/ for e2a%+le/ Le-i$i.(/ .ha+$er CFN De($erono%'/ .ha+$er CJN Pro-er*/
.ha+$er AN or Ro%an/ .ha+$er A0
12.U(o$e! in Gor!on AIJI/ +0 22-i0
13.M(.h !e+en! on ho, $he $er% are !efine! an! $ranla$e! in$o reear.h
%ea6(re0 For e2a%+le/ 'o(1! ,an$ $o !i$in#(ih *e$,een +aren$ ,ho
.an1$ *e *o$here! $o re+on! ,hen $heir .hil!ren !o o%e$hin# ,ron# an!
+aren$ ,ho/ ,i$h .are an! !eli*era$ion/ .hooe a +oli.' of %ini%al
in$er-en$ion0 In an' .ae/ $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h .hil!ren ,ere +(nihe! in one
$(!' ,a a +o,erf(l +re!i.6$or of ho, a##rei-e an! an$io.ial $he' ,ere
ei#h$ 'ear la$er/ ,herea ne#le.$ ,a no$ 98ohen e$ al0:0
14.We1-e alrea!' een $ha$ Ba(%rin! i ena%ore! of a re.i+ro.i$' %o!el for
fa%6il' rela$ionhi+ an! $ha$ he $hin& (n.on!i$ional lo-e ,ill %a&e .hil!ren
"elfih an! !e%an!in#5 9+0 CCEnE:0 She alo a(%e $ha$ "$r(.$(re5 in $he
fa%il' re3(ire $he (e of e2$rini. %o$i-a$or an! ".on$in#en$ reinfor.e%en$/5
,hi.h he $ron#l' (++or$0 She a++ro-e of +an&in#/ !i%ie .ri$i.i%
of +(nih%en$ a "($o+ian/5 an! !e.lare $ha$ +aren$ ,ho !on1$ (e +o,er $o
.o%+el o*e!ien.e ,ill *e een a "in!e.ii-e5 9Ba(%rin! AIIF:0
Unfor$(na$el'/ $he reear.h he .i$e $o ho, $ha$ a($hori$a$i-e +aren$in#
,or& *e$ !oen1$ (++or$ an' of $hee +oi$ion0 Her ori#inal fin!in# ,ere
in$er+re$e! a +ro-in# $ha$ a .o%*ina$ion of ,ar%$h an! "fir% .on$rol5 9or
"enfor.e%en$5: ,a o+$i%al0 B($ ano$her reear.her ,ho loo&e! a$ $he !a$a
.aref(ll' 9Le,i AIJA: !i.o-ere! $ha$ $he +oi$i-e o($.o%e for .hil!ren of
a($hori$a$i-e +aren$ !i!n1$ a.$(all' ee% $o *e .onne.$e! $o $he (e of fir%
enfor.e%en$ a$ all0 Ki! ,hoe +aren$ ,ere ,ar% *($ no$ .on$rollin# !i! ;($
a ,ell a &i! ,hoe +aren$ ,ere *o$h)+ro*a*l'/ he (##e$e!/ *e.a(e
.on6$rol in $he $ra!i$ional ene in1$ re3(ire! $o .rea$e $r(.$(re an!
+re!i.$a*ili$' a Ba(%rin! 9an! %an' o$her: a(%e!0
B' $he a%e $o&en/ Ba(%rin! ee%e! $o *l(r $he !ifferen.e *e$,een
"+er%ii-e5 +aren$ ,ho ,ere reall' ;($ .onf(e! an! $hoe ,ho ,ere !eli*6
era$el' !e%o.ra$i.0 There ,ere no +ro*le% ,i$h $he .hil!ren of $he la$$er +ar6
N O T E S T O P A G E S A B G Q A A E
en$/ (##e$in#/ in $he ,or! of ano$her +'.holo#i$/ $ha$ "a .loe loo& a$
Ba(%rin!1 a.$(al !a$a %a' re-eal i#nifi.an$ (++or$ for .hil!6.en$ere! +ar6
en$in#5 98rain/ +0 AJ: e-en $ho(#h Ba(%rin! ha .rea$e! a -er' !ifferen$
i%+reion *e.a(e he +eronall' o++oe $ha$ $'le0
S(*e3(en$ reear.h (in# Ba(%rin!1 for%(la$ion ee% $o (++or$ $hi
-ie,0 A h(#e $(!' of $eena#er 9La%*orn e$ al0 AIIA: !i! in!ee! fin! *enefi$
fro% ,ha$ ,a !e.ri*e! a "a($hori$a$i-e5 +aren$in#/ *($ $ha$ $er% ,a !efine! $o
%ean $ha$ +aren$ ,ere a,are of/ an! in-ol-e! ,i$h/ $heir .hil!ren1 li-e/ no$ $ha$
$he' ,ere e-en $he lea$ *i$ +(ni$i-e or .on$rollin#0 Ano$her $(!' 9S$ra#e an!
Bran!$: i%ilarl' .i$e! Ba(%rin! *' ,a' of (##e$in# $ha$ +aren$ nee! $o *e *o$h
(++or$i-e an! !e%an!in#/ *($ i$ $(rne! o($ $ha$ *ein# !e%an!in# ,hen $heir
.hil!ren ,ere 'o(n# ,a (nrela$e!/ or e-en ne#a$i-el' rela$e!/ $o -ario(
!eira*le o($.o%e0 B' .on$ra$/ $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h $he +aren$ ha! *een (+6
+or$i-e/ an! alo $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h $he' ha! en.o(ra#e! $heir .hil!ren1 in!e6
+en!en.e/ ha! a $ron# +oi$i-e rela$ionhi+ $o $hoe a%e o($.o%e0
15. Gr(e. an! Ma%%one/ +0 FBN alo ee Ha$in# an! R(*in0 Bar*er e$
al0 .o%6%en$e! $ha$ "$he %o$ +o,erf(l o(r.e of +'.holo#i.al .on$rol ,ill
*e $he +aren$1 o,n +'.holo#i.al $a$(5 9+0 CHF:0
16.Miller/ +0 DA0
17. Ha$in# an! Gr(e. AIIJ0 Ho,e-er/ i$1 no$ al,a' ea' $o $ell ,hoe
nee! are reall' *ein# #i-en $o+ +riori$'0 So%e +aren$ ,ho .on+i.(o(l'
a.rifi.e e-er'6$hin# for $heir .hil!ren/ ,hoe -er' li-e ee% $o re-ol-e
aro(n! $he%/ a.$(all' $(rn o($ $o *e ra$her nar.ii$i.0 The #i-ea,a' i $ha$
$he' $en! $o ha-e +e.if6i./ ri#i! e2+e.$a$ion for $heir .hil!ren an! are li&el'
$o *e inor!ina$el' .on6$rollin#0 E-er'$hin# %($ *e ;($ oN no$hin# .an !e-ia$e
fro% $heir +lan0 The fa%il' a++ear $o *e .hil!6.en$ere! $o a fa(l$/ 'e$ $he .hil!
i reall' *ein# (e! $o %ee$ $he +aren$1 o,n nee!0
18. Thi .an *e a fear $ha$ one i in.o%+e$en$ a$ raiin# a .hil!/ *($ i$ .an
alo *e a '%+$o% of a %ore #eneral fear of ina!e3(a.'0 Re.all $ha$ a
+aren$1 fear of fail(re i ao.ia$e! ,i$h $he (e of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al 9ee +0
JG:0
19.Gr(e. an! Ma%%one/ +0 FC0
20.B(#en$al e$ al0/ +0 ACIJ0
21. Thi 3(o$a$ion/ (e! *' K(n. in hi +reen$a$ion/ alo a++ear a$ ,,,0
nor%e%%a0.o%Th%-o($0h$%0
22. A*(i-e +aren$ ee $he%el-e a -i.$i%7 B(#en$al e$ al0/ +0 ACIJ0 In!ee!/
a..or!in# $o la$er reear.h 9ee B(#en$al an! Ha++ane':/ o%e +aren$ e-en
a.ri*e %ale-olen$ %o$i-e $o in)ants, lea!in# $o a .'.le of +er.ei-e! +o,er6
lene/ an#er/ an! a*(e0 Loo&in# for ne#a$i-e %o$i-e in $he .hil!7
Lie*er%an/ +0 FD0
23.See Ha$in# an! Gr(e. AIIJ/ +0 DHHN an! a (%%ar' of Ha$in#1
reear.h *' Gr(e. e$ al0 AIIH/ +0 CFJ0
24. The a.$ of ,a$.hin# $ele-iion i no$/ a o%e +eo+le *elie-e/ inheren$l'
%in!6n(%*in#0 A+ar$ fro% %hat one ,a$.he/ ,ha$ %a$$er i ho% one
,a$.he0 Thi i a $hei $ha$ I !e-elo+e! in an ea' en$i$le! "Tele-iion an!
8hil!ren7 ReVie,in# $he E-i!en.e5 9Kohn AIIJ:0
CEF N O T E S T O P A G E S A A D Q A E E
25.Gor!on AIJI/ +0 CAD0
26.See L($er e$ al0/ +0 ADE0
8HAPTER H7 PRIN8IPLES OF UN8ONDITIONAL PARENTING
1.The $a$i$i. i fro% S$ra( CBBD/ .i$in# a AIIF $(!' *' Ro*er$ LarMelere an!
hi .ollea#(e0 The 3(o$a$ion i fro% S$ra( CBBA/ +0 CAB0
2.For e2a%+le/ %o$her in one $(!' ,ere a&e! $o #e$ $heir fo(r6'ear6ol! .hil!ren
$o !o o%e$hin# $ha$ ,an1$ $erri*l' in$ere$in# 9or$ +la$i. for& an! +oon: e-en
$ho(#h $o' in $he a%e roo% +ro-i!e! a +o,erf(l !i$ra.$ion0 Half of $he %o$her
,ere $ol! $ha$ $he' ,o(l! *e a&e! $o lea-e $he roo% a$ o%e +oin$ $o ee if $heir
.hil!ren ,o(l! .on$in(e ,or&in# on $he $a& ,hen $he' ,ere *' $he%el-e0 I$
$(rne! o($ $ha$ $hoe in $hi #ro(+/ ,hoe #oal ,a $o eli.i$ .o%6+lian.e for a
lon#er +erio! an! in $he a*en.e of an a!(l$/ ,ere %ore li&el' $han $he o$her
%o$her 9,ho ,ere fo.(e! e2.l(i-el' on $he here6an!6no,: $o rea6on ,i$h $heir
.hil!ren/ $o (e !ifferen$ &in! of e2+lana$ion/ an! $o *e %ore n(r$(rin# in $heir
in$era.$ion0 F(r$her%ore/ ,ha$ $he' !i! ,or&e!7 E-en a ;(!#e! *' $he re(l$
,hen $he %o$her ,ere $ill +reen$/ .hil!ren ,ere %ore li&el' $o $a' on $a& if
$heir %o$her ,ere (in# $he &in! of $ra$e#ie !ei#ne! ,i$h lon#6ran#e #oal in
%in! 9K(.M'n&i AIJD:0
3.One #ro(+ of reear.her +($ i$ $hi ,a'7 The fir$ +riori$' for +aren$
ho(l!n1$ *e $o loo& for "i$(a$ion6+e.ifi. ol($ion5 $o +ro*le% $he'1re
ha-in# ,i$h $heir .hil!ren/ *($ $o "#e$ %ore ini#h$ =in$o> $heir o,n ,a' of
$hin&in# an! feel6in# a*o($ $heir rela$ionhi+ ,i$h $heir .hil!5 9Gerri e$ al0/ +0
JDG:0 The ne2$ $e+/ of .o(re/ ,o(l! *e $o use $ha$ ini#h$ $o $r' $o +reer-e
an! $ren#$hen $he rela$ionhi+0 Thi ho(l! *e a +riori$' e-en if i$ o%e$i%e
$a&e +re.e!en.e o-er %a&in# &i! !o ,ha$ ,e a'0
4. Gor!on AIHG/ +0 CCJ0
5. 8oloroo/ ++0 FCQFE0
6. Lie*er%an/ +0 DI0
7.Here %' fo.( i on e2+e.$a$ion $ha$ are (nreali$i. ;($ *e.a(e of $he
.hil!1 a#e0 B($ %an' .hil!ren ha-e +e.ial nee! an! li%i$a$ion $ha$
i%ilarl' re$ri.$ $heir .a+a.i$' $o !o ,ha$ $heir +aren$ e2+e.$)an! i$1
e3(all' +oin$le in (.h .ae/ e-en .r(el/ $o +re one1 !e%an!0 For a
#oo! anal'i of $he .hallen#e fa.e! *' o%e .hil!ren $ha$ %a&e $ra!i$ional
!i.i+line $e.hni3(e +ar$i.(larl' .o(n$er+ro!(.$i-e/ ee Greene0
8.See/ e0#0/ No!!in#/ +0 CG0 She +oin$ o($ $ha$ $hi i!ea i !eri-e! fro% $he
+hiloo+her Mar$in B(*er1 i!ea of ".onfir%a$ion05
9. Le,i AIIG/ ++0 AECQEE0
10. E-en in (.h a .ae/ ho,e-er/ a Maril'n Wa$on +oin$ o($/ $he .hil!
%a' ha-e in$en!e! le har% $han he a.$(all' .a(e!0 She alo re%ar& $ha$/
e-en in an in$an.e ,hen $he a(%+$ion of inno.en.e %a' *e (nfo(n!e!/
$he effe.$ %a' *e $o +ro%+$ $he .hil! $o $r' $o li-e (+ $o $he +aren$1 +oi$i-e
i%a#e of her 9+er6onal .o%%(ni.a$ion/ <(ne CBBD:0
11. For e2a%+le/ ee $he $(!ie .i$e! in D(%a an! LaFreniere/ +0 I0
N O T E S T O P A G E S A E F Q A F J
12. "No 0 0 0 no 0 0 0 no 0 0 0 no 0 0 0 no 0 0 0 ,ell/ o&a'/ I #(e5 i $he %irror
i%a#e of ano$her (nheal$h' +a$$ern $ha$ I !e.ri*e! earlier/ in ,hi.h a +aren$
le$ e-er'$hin# li!e an! $hen (!!enl' e2+lo!e7 "O&a' 0 0 0 o&a' 0 0 0
o&a' 0 0 0
o&a' 0 0 0 o&a' 0 0 0 7<###8)a..o%+anie! *' +(nih%en$0
13.Miller/ ++0 JJQJI0 Alo ee Gor!on AIHG/ ++0 CAQCC/ CGHQGI0
8HAPTER J7 LOVE WITHOUT STRINGS ATTA8HED
1.Tha$ !oen1$ %ean/ ho,e-er/ $ha$ ha++ine ho(l! *e one1 onl' #oal0 See +0 CEInA0
2. Gor!on AIHG/ +0 CH0
3. Wa$on/ ++0 ADC/ EB0
4. I*i!0/ +0 C0
5. Lo-e$$/ ++0 EF/ FI/ ABDQABG0
6.The i!ea $ha$ ha++ine !e+en! on ,ha$ one o,n i no$ o%e$hin# ,e
,an$ $o .(l$i-a$e in o(r .hil!ren0 Plen$' of a!(l$ a.$ a $ho(#h $he' *elie-e
$hi/ e-en $hoe ,ho are fa%iliar ,i$h $he .'.le in ,hi.h a -er' hor$6li-e!
*(r$ of +lea6(re fro% a.3(irin# 'e$ ano$her +air of hoe or fan.' !i#i$al
#a!#e$ i follo,e! *' a ra+i! re$(rn $o $he +ree2i$in# $a$e of re$lene or
*ore!o%0 Wha$ ha a+$l' *een .alle! ".o%%o!i$' fe$ihi%5 i no$ e+e.iall'
heal$h'/ e-en if i$ i enor%o(l' +rofi$a*le $o $he .or+ora$ion $ha$ $rain $o
.on-in.e ( ,e nee! ea.h ne,6an!6i%+ro-e! i$e% $he'1re ellin#0
7. <((l/ +0 FA0
8.For %ore on $hee i(e/ ee Punished by ,e%ards 9Kohn AIII:/ e+e.iall'
.ha+$er F 9"The Praie Pro*le%5: an! $he Af$er,or!0
9.Gr(e. e$ al0 AIHJ0 In ano$her $(!'/ $he li&elihoo! of .hil!ren1 *ein#
#enero( in.reae! *o$h ,hen $he' ,ere +raie! an! ,hen $he' ,ere le! $o
$hin& of $he%el-e a hel+f(l +eo+le0 B($ in a follo,6(+ e2+eri%en$/ $he la$$er
#ro(+ $(rne! o($ $o *e %ore #enero( $han $hoe ,ho ha! re.ei-e! -er*al
reinfor.e6%en$0 In o$her ,or!/ +raie in.reae! #eneroi$' in a #i-en e$$in#
*($ .eae! $o *e effe.$i-e o($i!e $ha$ e$$in#/ ,herea .hil!ren ,i$h a
!ee+er reaon $o *e #enero( .on$in(e! $o a.$ on $ha$ %o$i-a$ion in o$her
.ir.(%$an.e 9Gr(e. an! Re!ler:0
10.Karen D0 Arnol! of Bo$on 8olle#e/ $he a($hor of 'ives o) Pro-ise, i 3(o$e!
in Ri%er0
11.For %ore on $he i%+or$an.e of $hi !i$in.$ion/ ee Kohn AIII*/ .ha+$er C0
12. I1-e $a&en a $a* a$ $hi %'elf *' ,ri$in# a hor$ *oo& for $ea.her .alle!
Beyond Discipline 9Kohn AIIF:0 I alo re.o%%en! a *oo& .alle! 'earning to
Trust 9Wa$on:/ ,hi.h !e.ri*e $,o 'ear in $he life of a $ea.her in an inner6
.i$' .hool ,ho/ *' %ee$in# $he .hil!ren1 nee!/ (..ef(ll' $eer .lear of
%ore .oer.i-e a++roa.he $o .laroo% %ana#e%en$0
8HAPTER I7 8HOI8ES FOR 8HILDREN
1.I re-ie,e! o%e of $he reear.h on $hi $o+i. in Kohn AIIE0 In$ere$e! rea!er
ho(l! alo loo& (+ $he ,or& of E!,ar! De.i/ Ri.har! R'an/ an! Wen!' Grol6
CEJ N O T E S T O P A G E S A F J Q A J C
ni.&/ ,ho ha-e ,ri$$en e2$eni-el' a*o($ $he e2+erien.e of a($ono%' in !iffer6
en$ !o%ain of life0 The $er% "+a,n5 an! "ori#in/5 in.i!en$all'/ .o%e fro%
$he +'.holo#i$ Ri.har! !e 8har%0
2.No$e $ha$ $hee are no$ $he a%e $hin#0 "The fa.$ $ha$ a +aren$ !oe no$ a++l'
+'.holo#i.al .on$rol $o a .hil! !oe no$ a($o%a$i.all' %ean $ha$ $hi +aren$
i en.o(ra#in# or fo$erin# a($ono%'5 9Bar*er e$ al0/ +0 CHA:0
3.8hil!ren are %ore li&el' $o !o ,ha$ $he'1re a&e!7 See ++0 GAQGE0 More a+$ $o rel'
on $heir +aren$7 Se-eral $(!ie (++or$in# $hi fin!in# are .i$e! in 8hir&o- e$ al0/
+0 IJ0 Feelin# *e$$er a*o($ $he%el-e7 E..le e$ al0/ +0 FC0 More li&el' $o $a' o($
of $ro(*le7 Yo($h fro% all e$hni. *a.&#ro(n! ,hoe +aren$ in.l(!e! $he% in
!e.iion %a&in# ,ere le li&el' $o (e !r(# an! al.ohol/ an! le li&el' $o *e
in-ol-e! in .hool %i.on!(.$ or an$io.ial *eha-ior a 'ear la$er 9La%*orn e$ al0
AIIF:0 8olle#e $(!en$ feel .onfi!en$ a*o($ $he%el-e7 S$ra#e an! Bran!$0 In
%o$ of $he $(!ie .i$e! in $hi +ara#ra+h/ $he e2$en$ $o ,hi.h +ar6en$ (++or$e!
$heir .hil!ren1 a($ono%' ,a ;(!#e! *' ,ha$ $he .hil!ren e2+e6rien.e!/ no$ *'
,ha$ $he +aren$ re+or$e!0 E..le ho,e! $ha$ $hee a..o(n$ of$en !iffer/ an!/ a
I1-e no$e!/ i$1 ,ha$ $he &i! *elie-e $ha$ %a$$er0
4.8ai e$ al0/ +0 EHE0 In $he ori#inal 3(o$a$ion/ ea.h of $hee i$e% i follo,e! *'
one or %ore .i$a$ion in +aren$hee0
5.We ha-e $o *e -er' .aref(l here/ $ho(#h/ *e.a(e $he enor%o( +o,er $ha$
+ar6en$ +oe .an eail' $(rn ,ha$ loo& li&e a %ere o*er-a$ion or
re.o%%en!a6$ion in$o a -ir$(al !e%an!0 The $a.i$ $hrea$ of lo-e ,i$h!ra,al
%($ *e a-oi!e!/ an! $he final !e.iion ho(l! re$ ,i$h $he .hil! in $hoe
.ae ,here ,e a' i$ !oe0 I$ %a' *e fr($ra$in# ,hen &i! !e.i!e no$ $o !o
,ha$ ,e1-e (##e$e!/ *($ ,e ho(l! -ie, $hoe in$an.e a .onfir%a$ion
$ha$ ,e1-e %ana#e! $o hel+ $he% feel $r(l' a($ono%o(0
6.For +ra.$i.al (##e$ion for !ealin# ,i$h i*lin# .onfli.$/ ee Fa*er an!
MaMlih AIJH0 Their o$her *oo& are alo ,ell ,or$h rea!in#0
7.Lie*er%an/ +0 AFI0 She .on$in(e7 "One .an en! (+ ,i$h a i$(a$ion ,here $he
+aren$ i infli.$in# on $he ol!er i*lin# $he a%e &in! of ar*i$rar' +o,er $ha$ $he
ol!er i*lin# i $r'in# $o infli.$ on $he 'o(n#er one0 The +aren$1 a.$ion $o $o+ $he
$ron#er i*lin#1 +o,er .an #i-e $he %ea#e7 Do a I a'/ no$ a I !o05
8. For e2a%+le/ ee $he !e.ri+$ion on +0 CCHnG0
9. Bal!,in/ +0 AEG0
10.See $he reanal'i of Ba(%rin!1 !a$a in Le,i AIJA/ e+e.iall' +0 GFC0 Ano$her
$(!'/ %ean,hile/ fo(n! $ha$ ,hen +aren$ $rea$ %i*eha-ior a an infra.$ion $o *e
+(nihe!/ &i! learn $o !ef'/ *($ ,hen +aren$ $rea$ %i*eha-ior a a +ro*6le% $o
*e ol-e! $o#e$her/ &i! learn $o ne#o$ia$e 9K(.M'n&i e$ al0:0
11.Thi +oin$/ alon# ,i$h %(.h of ,ha$ .o%+rie $he follo,in# +ara#ra+h/ i
a!a+$e! fro% Kohn AIIF0
12.S.o$$6Li$$le an! Hollo,a'0
13.Gor!on AIJI/ +0 I0
14. For a re.en$ e2+eri%en$al !e%on$ra$ion of $hi in a .laroo% e$$in#/
ee Ree-e e$ al0
15. Man' $ea.her *elie-e $ha$ i$1 ne.ear' "$o $an! o-er non.o%+lian$
$(!en$5
N O T E S T O P A G E S A J C Q A I G
(n$il $he' !o ,ha$ $he'1re $ol!0 B($ i$ of$en $(rn o($ $ha$ $hee $(!en$ "%(.h
%ore ,illin#l' .o%+l' ,i$h a re3(e$ or a .o%%an!5 if $he $ea.her i%+l'
%a&e $he re3(e$ .learl' "an! $hen =lea-e> $he $(!en$ $o .o%+l' in hi or
her o,n #oo! $i%e5 9Wa$on/ +0 AEB:0
AF0 E2+eri%en$al (++or$ for a .o%*ina$ion of i$e% C/ E/ an! F ,a offere! *'
De.i e$ al0 AIID0
8HAPTER AB7 THE 8HILD1S PERSPE8TIVE
1.The a!!i$ion of $hi e.on! 3(e$ion re%in! ( $ha$ $here i o%e$hin# .on+i.6
(o(l' in(ffi.ien$ a*o($ a'in# $ha$ o(r +ri%ar' #oal i for o(r .hil!ren $o *e
ha++'0 Peronall'/ I ,o(l!n1$ ,an$ %' &i! $o *e +er+e$(all' %iera*le o.ial
a.$i-i$/ *($ nei$her ,o(l! I ,an$ $he% $o *e o fo.(e! on $heir o,n ,ell6*ein#
$ha$ $he' ,ere in!ifferen$ a*o($ o$her +eo+le1 (fferin#0 Nei$her ,o(l! I ,an$
ha++ine $o *e +(r.hae! a$ $he +ri.e of $heir *ein# (nrefle.$i-e/ hallo,/ or
(na*le $o *e.o%e o($ra#e! a*o($ o($ra#eo( $hin#0 E!,ar! De.i +($ i$ $hi ,a'7
"When +eo+le ,an$ onl' ha++ine/ $he' .an a.$(all' (n!er%ine $heir o,n
!e-elo+%en$ *e.a(e $he 3(e$ for ha++ine .an lea! $he% $o (++re o$her
a+e.$ of $heir e2+erien.e0 0 0 0 The $r(e %eanin# of *ein# ali-e i no$ ;($ $o feel
ha++'/ *($ $o e2+erien.e $he f(ll ran#e of h(%an e%o$ion5 9AIIG/ +0 AICN
e%+hai o%i$$e!:0 In (%/ I !on1$ $hin& i$1 +oi*le $o #i-e an' an,er o$her $han
"Ye/ *($ 0 0 05 $o $he 3(e$ion "Do 'o( ,an$ 'o(r .hil! $o *e ha++'@5
2.In$ere$e! rea!er %i#h$ ,an$ $o loo& (+ $he ,or& of (.h reear.her a
Nan.' Eien*er# an! $he la$e Pa(l M(en 9,ho .olla*ora$e! on a -er'
(ef(l *oo& .alle! The ,oots o) Prosocial Behavior in Children:/ Mar$in
Hoff%an/ Er-in S$a(*/ Marian Ra!&e6Yarro,/ an! 8arol'n ?ahn6Wa2ler0
3.Barne$$ e$ al0/ +0 IE0 There i alo e-i!en.e fro% $he fiel! of +or$
+'.holo#' $ha$ .o%+e$i$ion +ro%o$e lo,er6le-el for% of e$hi.al reaonin#
an! $he !e-el6o+%en$ of a lo,er %oral $an!ar! 9Kohn AIIC:0
4."Fre3(en$ (e of Rno/1 R$o+/1 R!on1$1 in $he a*en.e of .larif'in# infor%a$ion
%a' re(l$ in $he learnin# of a #eneraliMe! inhi*i$ion/ $ha$ i/ learnin# $o $an!
*a.& in $he fa.e of all &in! of !i$ree/ $h( %ini%iMin# al$r(i$i. a ,ell a
re+ara$i-e effor$5 9?ahn6Wa2ler e$ al0/ +0 ECF:0
5.In $he ,or! of Leon K(.M'n&i 9AIJE/ +0 AEC:/ a !e-elo+%en$al +'.holo#i$
,ho ha $(!ie! $hi i(e e2$eni-el'/ "An (ne2+laine! +rohi*i$ion =i> no$
e%+$' of %o$i-a$ional infor%a$ion/ *e.a(e i$ i%+li.i$l' .arrie=> $he $hrea$ of
o%e !e#ree of e2$ernal .one3(en.e05
6.The $(!' !e%on$ra$in# a lin& *e$,een +aren$1 (e of reaonin# an! $he al$r(6
i% of #ro,n .hil!ren ,a a.$(all' 3(i$e !ra%a$i.7 I$ ,a an in-e$i#a$ion of ,hi.h
in!i-i!(al .hoe $o re.(e E(ro+ean <e, fro% $he NaMi0 The +aren$ of
re.(er ",ere i#nifi.an$l' le li&el' $o =ha-e> e%+haiMe=!> o*e!ien.e5 or $o
ha-e (e! +h'i.al +(nih%en$0 In$ea! $he' fo.(e! on "reaonin#/ (##e6$ion
of ,a' $o re%e!' $he har% !one/ +er(aion/ an! a!-i.e/5 $here*' .o%6
%(ni.a$in# "a %ea#e of re+e.$ for an! $r($ in =$heir> .hil!ren5 $ha$ hel+e!
$hee .hil!ren feel "a ene of +eronal effi.a.' an! ,ar%$h $o,ar! o$her5
CDB N O T E S T O P A G E S A I G Q C B G
9Oliner an! Oliner/ ++0 AFC/ AHI/ AJC:0 The e.on! $(!' e2a%ine! $he .hil!6
hoo! of %ore $han a $ho(an! (n!er#ra!(a$e an! fo(n! $ha$ $hoe
$(!en$ ,ho ,ere in-ol-e! in .o%%(ni$' -ol(n$eer ,or&/ an! ,ho $oo& a
$an! in fa-or of a .a(e in ,hi.h $he' *elie-e!/ ,ere %ore li&el' $o ha-e
*een raie! *' +aren$ ,ho ee%e! re+e.$f(l of $he% an! $o ha-e relie! on
a ra$ional ra$her $han a +(ni$i-e a++roa.h $o !i.i+line 9Blo.& e$ al0:0
7.For %ore on ho, (n!er$an!in# of o.ial an! %oral i!ea %($ *e ".on$r(.$6
e!5 *'/ ra$her $han i%+l' $ran%i$$e! $o/ $he learner/ ee $he ,or& of
8on$an.e Ka%ii an! Rhe$a DeVrie0 I !i.(e! $hi i(e ,hile .ri$i.iMin#
$ra!i$ional .hool6*ae! ".hara.$er e!(.a$ion5 +ro#ra% 9Kohn AIIH:0
8."Eli.i$in# $he .hil!1 o+inion57 Wal&er an! Ta'lorN 3(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 CJB0
O$her reear.h ha fo(n!7 Eien*er#/ +0 AFA0
9. Peronal .o%%(ni.a$ion ,i$h Maril'n Wa$on in AIJI an! AIIB0
10.Hoff%an !i.o-ere!7 Hoff%an an! Sal$M$einN 3(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 GB0
S(*6e3(en$ reear.h ha .onfir%e!7 See/ for e2a%+le/ K(.M'n&i AIJE0
Mo$ effe.6$i-e ,i$h ol!er .hil!ren7 Bro!' an! Shaffer0 In!(.$ion hel+
+re.hooler7 Har$ e$ al0 E-en $o!!ler $en!e! $o re+on!7 ?ahn6Wa2ler e$ al0N
3(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 ECE0
11.A +re.(ror $o e%+a$h' %a' *e#in e-en earlier0 Ne,*orn are %ore li&el' $o .r')
an! li&el' $o .r' lon#er),hen $he' are e2+oe! $o $he o(n! of ano$her infan$1
.r' $han ,hen $he' hear o$her noie $ha$ are e3(all' lo(! an! (!!en0 In $hree
e$ of $(!ie/ ,i$h infan$ ran#in# in a#e fro% ei#h$een $o e-en$'6$,o ho(r ol!/
(.h .r'in# ee%e! $o *e a +on$aneo( rea.$ion ra$her $han a %ere -o.al
i%i$a$ion0 The i%+li.a$ion i $ha$ ,e %a' *e *orn ,i$h a +re!i+oi$ion $o *e
!i$ree! *' o$her1 !i$re0 9Thee $(!ie are .i$e! in Kohn AIIB/ a i a #rea$
!eal of o$her reear.h on +er+e.$i-e $a&in# an! e%+a$h'0 So%e of $he !i6
.(ion $ha$ follo, in $he $e2$ i alo !ra,n fro% $ha$ *oo&0:
12. A -aria$ion on $hi/ +ro+oe! *' 8oloroo/ ++0 AEFQEJ/ i $o a& $,o i*lin#
$o e2+lain ,ha$ ha++ene! *($ onl' af$er $he'1re a*le $o a#ree on a in#le a..o(n$0
13.Thi i ,h' I (##e$e! earlier $ha$ +aren$ %i#h$ a& $he%el-e/ "If
o%eone ha! ai! $ha$ $o %e/ ,o(l! " feel (n.on!i$ionall' lo-e!@5 B($ (.h
an i%a#ina6$i-e re-eral %a' no$ *e eno(#h for $he i%+le reaon $ha$ 'o(r
.hil! in1$ 'o(0 I$ in1$ har! $o $hin& of a .enario in ,hi.h 'o( .o(l! hone$l'
an,er $ha$ 3(e6$ion in $he affir%a$i-e/ *($ 'o(r .hil! %o$ !efini$el' ,o(l!
no$ feel (n.on!i6$ionall' lo-e!0
14.See $he $(!' *' Ha$in# an! Gr(e. %en$ione! on +0 ABH0 S(.h +aren$ are
alo %ore li&el' $o $ea.h a .on$r(.$i-e a++roa.h $o reol-in# .onfli.$0 9A($hor6
i$arian +aren$/ *' .on$ra$/ are %ore li&el' $o ee .onfli.$)e+e.iall' *e$,een
$he%el-e an! $heir .hil!ren)a o%e$hin# $o *e eli%ina$e!0 The' fail $o !i6
$in#(ih *e$,een !ifferen$ &in! of .onfli.$ or *e$,een *e$$er an! ,ore ,a' of
han!lin# $he .onfli.$ $ha$ ,ill ine-i$a*l' arie0: Ano$her $(!'/ %ean,hile/ fo(n!
$ha$ ,hen +aren$ !i.(e! $hin# ,i$h $heir .hil!ren/ $heir $en!en.' $o (e "elf6
orien$e!5 ar#(%en$ 9in$en!e! $o !efen! $heir o,n +oi$ion: a o++oe! $o "o$her6
orien$e!5 ar#(%en$ 9$ha$ $oo& a..o(n$ of $he o$her +eron1 in$ere$ in an effor$
$o fin! a .o%+ro%ie: ha! a %ea(ra*le effe.$ on $he ,a'
N O T E S T O P A G E S C B G Q C A G
$ha$ $he .hil!ren !eal$ ,i$h $heir +eer $hree 'ear la$er0 The reear.her
re%ar&e! $ha$ i$ %a' no$ *e eno(#h $o $ea.h .onfli.$6reol($ion &ill $o .hil6
!renN ,e alo ha-e $o .oni!er $he .hil!1 "fir$6han! e2+o(re5 $o .onfli.$ a$
ho%e 9Herrera an! D(nnN 3(o$a$ion on +0 JHI:0
15. D($.h $(!'7 Gerri e$ al0 8ana!ian $(!'7 Ha$in# an! Gr(e. AIIH0 U0S0
$(!'7 Ko.han&a0
16. Miller/ ++0 JIQIA0 Thee ar#(%en$ for% $he .ore of her en$ire *o!' of ,or&
) an! alo $ha$ of %an' o$her $hera+i$ ,ho ,ri$e a*o($ raiin# .hil!ren0
17. Re.all $ha$ reear.h (++or$ $he +er.e+$ion $ha$ +aren$ are .on$an$l'
$e++in# in $o in$err(+$/ $h,ar$/ an! +re-en$0 See ++0 AEE/ CEFnAA0
APPENDIK7 PARENTING STYLES
1. Le-ine0
2. Moier an! Ro#offN 3(o$a$ion on ++0 ABGHQGJ0
3. Ro$h*a(%/ +eronal .orre+on!en.e/ <an(ar' CBBC0
4.One #ro(+ of reear.her raie $he in$ri#(in# +oi*ili$' $ha$ a .(l$(re le
fo.(e! on .hoi.e %a' +ro-i!e a !i$in.$ a!-an$a#e e-en if .hil!ren ha-e fe,er
o++or$(6ni$ie $o %a&e !e.iion0 Re.all $ha$ a($hori$arian +aren$ are %ore li&el'
$han nona($hori$arian +aren$ $o a$$ri*($e ne#a$i-e %o$i-e $o .hil!ren0 The' $en!
$o a(%e $ha$ a .hil! a.$in# in a ,a' $he' !on1$ li&e i *ein# !eli*era$el' !efian$
or a##rei-e or %ali.io()an! $hi %a' +ro-o&e $he% $o re+on! ,i$h %ore
.oer6.ion an! +o,er6*ae! in$er-en$ion/ ,hi.h e$ a -i.io( .ir.le in$o %o$ion0
B($ in o%e .(l$(re/ e-en +aren$ ,ho a.$ in a ,a' ,e ,o(l! -ie, a
a($hori$arian %a' *e le li&el' $o %a&e (.h a(%+$ion a*o($ $heir .hil!ren1
%o$i-e *e.a(e +eo+le aren1$ een a in!e+en!en$/ !e.iion6%a&in# a#en$0
Hen.e/ $here i le .onfli.$ in $he rela$ionhi+0 9See Gr(e. e$ al0 AIIH/ +0 CHC0:
5.Grolni.&/ ++0 HG/ HI0 Bar*er an! Har%on alo re+or$ +reli%inar' !a$a fro% a
$(!' of nine !ifferen$ .(l$(re/ in.l(!in# $,o $ha$ are rela$i-el' .olle.$i-i$/
ho,in# a .oni$en$ rela$ionhi+ *e$,een +'.holo#i.al .on$rol *' +aren$
an! *o$h !e+reion an! an$io.ial *eha-ior in .hil!ren0
6.R'an an! De.i CBBE/ ++0 CFGQFH0 For a !ifferen$ -ie, of $hee i(e)an! a
%ore !e$aile! anal'i of .ro6.(l$(ral !ifferen.e in "a($ono%'5 an! "rela$6
e!ne5)ee Ro$h*a(% an! Tro%%!orff0
7."Ra$e of +aren$1 (e57 Thi .on.l(ion *' Gerhoff/ +0 GFC/ i follo,e! *' fif6$een
.i$a$ion0 "8hil!ren in $he lo,er o.ioe.ono%i. .lae57 Do!#e e$ al0/ +0 FFC0 Alo
ee Sear e$ al0N an! Si%on e$ al0 AIIA0 Gerhoff no$e/ ho,e-er/ $ha$ o%e
$(!ie ha-e faile! $o fin! $he a%e rela$ionhi+0 Thi %a' *e rela$e! $o $he
+e.ifi. a+e.$ of o.ioe.ono%i. $a$( $ha$1 *ein# in-e$i#a$e!0 For e2a%+le/
$he (e of +h'i.al +(nih%en$ %a' *e %ore .oni$en$l' 9ne#a$i-el': rela$e! $o
+aren$1 le-el of e!(.a$ion $han $o $heir in.o%e or o..(+a$ion0
8. See 8on#er e$ al0N an! alo $he e-i!en.e re-ie,e! in Grolni.&/ ++0 JEQJH0
9.Mel-in Kohn1 re(l$7 M0 Kohn0 9No rela$ion/ in .ae 'o( ,ere ,on!erin#0: Kohn1
fin!in# .onfir%e! *' o$her7 See/ for e2a%+le/ S.haefer an! E!#er$onN
Pin!erh(#he e$ al0N an! Gerri e$ al0 In$erna$ional !a$a7 Pe$eren e$ al0
CDC N O T E S T O P A G E S C A G Q C C A
10.Le li&el' $o +refer a($ono%'7 Al,in 9+0 EFC: .i$e fi-e $(!ie $o (++or$ $hi
.on.l(ion0 More li&el' $o a++ro-e of a##reion7 Do!#e e$ al0
11.8la %a' ha-e %ore of an i%+a.$ $han ra.e7 Pin!erh(#he e$ al0 Thi a%e
$(!'/ ho,e-er/ fo(n! $ha$ ra.e re%ain rele-an$/ a !i! Dea$er6De.&ar! e$
al0N Gile6Si% e$ al0 9$he $(!' .on!(.$e! in AIIB:N an! S$ra( an! S$e,ar$
9$he $(!' .on!(.$e! in AIIG:0 M.Leo! e$ al0 9+0 GJF:/ rel'in# on a h(#e
na$ional !a$a e$ fro% AIJJ/ alo re+or$e! $ha$ ",hi$e %o$her re+or$e!
+an&in# $heir .hil!ren le of$en5 !(rin# $he +re.e!in# ,ee& $han !i! *la.&
%o$her/ *($ he a!!e! $ha$ $hi %a' ha-e *een a$ lea$ +ar$l' *e.a(e $he
la$$er in $hi a%+le ,ere %ore li&el' $han $he for%er $o *e +oor0
12. O++oi$ion *' CC -er( I +er.en$7 Fl'nn0 De.linin# a++ro-al o-er CF 'ear7
S$ra( an! Ma$h(r0
13.Dea$er6De.&ar! e$ al0 Tha$ la$ 3(alifi.a$ion i -er' i%+or$an$7 "There a++ear
$o *e a *o(n!ar' for $he e2$re%i$' of harh +h'i.al !i.i+line +a$ ,hi.h $he
effe.$ are !ele$erio(/ an! e3(all' !ele$erio(/ for all .hil!ren5 9Dea$er6
De.&ar! an! Do!#e/ +0 AFJ:0
14. Of .o(re/ $hi +oin$ ha *een %a!e *' %an' o$her $heori$/ in.l(!in# Eri&
Eri&on an!)%ore rele-an$ $o $hi !i.(ion)Dea$er6De.&ar! an! Do!#e/ ,ho
ar#(e7 "A++aren$l' i%ilar +aren$al *eha-ior 9(.h a +an&in#: %a' ha-e
!ifferen$ %eanin# an! .one3(en.e in !ifferen$ .(l$(ral %ilie(5 9+0 AFJ:0
15. Thi +oin$ ,a %a!e *' $he la$e H(#h L'$$on 9+0 CAE:/ an e%inen$
reear.her in h(%an !e-elo+%en$/ an! *' D0 80 Ro,e 9+0 CCA:0 Ro,e alo
3(e$ion D6D P D1 fin!in# on $he #ro(n! $ha$ $he %ea(re of +aren$in#
+ra.$i.e %a' no$ ha-e ha! e3(al relia*ili$' for ,hi$e an! *la.&/ or e3(al
-ali!i$' 9if/ a'/ *la.& %o$h6er ha! reaon $o %i$r($ $he in$er-ie,er:0
16.Thi +oin$ i %a!e *' S$ra( CBBG0
17.La%*orn e$ al0 AIIF0 U(o$a$ion on +0 CIE0
18.Si%on e$ al0 CBBC0
19.S$ra( e$ al0
20.Kil#ore e$ al0
21.Rohner e$ al0 U(o$a$ion a++ear on +0 FIA0
22.Kelle' e$ al0/ +0 GHD0
23."Ma$ernal fear a*o($ .hil! -i.$i%iMa$ion ,ere (nrela$e! $o +aren$in# orien$a6
$ion5 in $he $(!' re+or$e! in Kelle' e$ al0 9+0 GHI:/ al$ho(#h in an (n+(*lihe!
!ier$a$ion Kelle' +re-io(l' re+or$e! ha-in# fo(n! (.h a rela$ion0
24.La%*orn e$ al0 AIIFN an! Si%on e$ al0 CBBC/ re+e.$i-el'0
25.Thi +oin$ i alo %a!e *' S$ra( e$ al0 in $he .on$e2$ of $heir fin!in# $ha$
+h'6i.al +(nih%en$ ha !a%a#in# effe.$ on .hil!ren of all ra.e0
26. Grolni.& %a!e %(.h $he a%e +oin$0 In $o(#h nei#h*orhoo!/ "$he
!e-elo+%en$ of elf6re#(la$ion an! re+oni*ili$')*o$h o($.o%e of
a($ono%' (++or$i-e +aren$in#)are ;($ a ne.ear'/ if no$ %ore o/ $han
$he' are for .hil!ren of a!-an$a#e5 9Grolni.&/ +0 HD:0
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)))0 The Construction o) the &el)+ ! Develop-ental Perspective. Ne, Yor&7
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Har$er/ S(an/ Donna B0 Marol!/ Nan.' R0 Whi$eell/ an! Ga*rielle 8o**0 "A
Mo!el of $he Effe.$ of Per.ei-e! Paren$ an! Peer S(++or$ on A!ole.en$
Fale Self Beha-ior05 Child Develop-ent FH 9AIIF:7 EFBQHD0
Ha$in#/ Pa(l D0/ an! <oan E0 Gr(e.0 "8onfli.$ O($.o%e a a F(n.$ion of
Paren$al A..(ra.' in Per.ei-in# 8hil! 8o#ni$ion an! Affe.$05 &ocial
Develop-ent F 9AIIH:7 HFQIB0
)))0 "Paren$in# Goal a Or#aniMer of Re+one $o Paren$68hil! Dia#ree6
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Ha$in#/ Pa(l D0/ an! Kenne$h H0 R(*in0 "Pre!i.$in# Mo$her1 Belief A*o($
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Herrera/ 8arla/ an! <(!' D(nn0 "Earl' E2+erien.e ,i$h Fa%il' 8onfli.$7 I%+li.a6
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Hoff%an/ Mar$in0 "Po,er Aer$ion *' $he Paren$ an! I$ I%+a.$ on $he 8hil!05
Child Develop-ent EA 9AIFB:7 ACIQDE0
)))0 "8on.ien.e/ Peronali$'/ an! So.ialiMa$ion Te.hni3(e05 $u-an
Develop--ent AE 9AIHBa:7 IBQACF0
)))0 "Moral De-elo+%en$05 In Car-ichael0s 5anual o) Child Psychology, Er!
e!0/ -ol0 C/ e!i$e! *' Pa(l H0 M(en0 Ne, Yor&7 Wile'/ AIHB*0
Hoff%an/ Mar$in/ an! Her*er$ D0 Sal$M$ein0 "Paren$ Di.i+line an! $he 8hil!1 Moral
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Hol$/ <i%0 "De.ar.era$e@5 7e% 2ork Ti-es 5aga=ine, A(#($ AG/ CBBD7 CBQCA0
Honi#/ Ali.e S$erlin#0 "8o%+lian.e/ 8on$rol/ an! Di.i+line05 2oung Children, <an6
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<a.o*-i$M/ De*orah/ an! L0 Alan Sro(fe0 "The Earl' 8are#i-er68hil! Rela$ionhi+
an! A$$en$ion6Defi.i$ Dior!er ,i$h H'+era.$i-i$' in Kin!er#ar$en7 A Pro+e.$i-e
S$(!'05 Child Develop-ent GJ 9AIJH:7 ADJJQIG0
R E F E R E N 8 E S CDI
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Ea$6in# S$'le05 Pediatrics ID 9AIID:7 FGEQFA0
<((l/ <e+er0 2our Co-petent Child+ To%ard 7e% Basic @alues )or the 4a-ily.
Ne, Yor&7 Farrar/ S$ra(/ an! Giro(2/ CBBA0
Ka%in/ Melia L0/ an! 8arol S0 D,e.&0 "Peron Ver( Pro.e Praie an!
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Psy-chology EG 9AIII:7 JEGQDH0
Kan!el/ Denie B0/ an! Pin# W(0 "Dien$an#lin# Mo$her68hil! Effe.$ in $he
De-el6o+%en$ of An$io.ial Beha-ior05 In Coercion and Punish-ent in 'ong-
Ter- Per-spectives, e!i$e! *' <oan M.8or!0 8a%*ri!#e/ En#lan!7 8a%*ri!#e
Uni-eri$' Pre/ AIIJ0
Kelle'/ Mi.helle L0/ Tho%a G0 Po,er/ an! Da,n D0 Wi%*(h0 "De$er%inan$ of
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Kerni/ Mi.hael H0/ Ani$a 80 Bro,n/ an! Gene H0 Bro!'0 "Fra#ile Self6E$ee% in
8hil!ren an! I$ Ao.ia$ion ,i$h Per.ei-e! Pa$$ern of Paren$68hil!
8o%%(ni6.a$ion05 :ournal o) Personality FJ 9CBBB:7 CCGQGC0
Kil#ore/ Ki%/ <a%e Sn'!er/ an! 8hri Len$M0 "The 8on$ri*($ion of Paren$al Di.i6
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Ko.han&a/ GraM'na0 "M($(all' Re+oni-e Orien$a$ion Be$,een Mo$her an!
Their Yo(n# 8hil!ren7 I%+li.a$ion for Earl' So.ialiMa$ion05 Child Develop-ent
FJ 9AIIH:7 IDQAAC0
Ko.han&a/ GraM'na/ an! NaMan A&an0 "Mo$her68hil! M($(all' Poi$i-e Affe.$/ $he
U(ali$' of 8hil! 8o%+lian.e $o Re3(e$ an! Prohi*i$ion/ an! Ma$ernal 8on$rol a
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Kohn/ Alfie0 The Brighter &ide o) $u-an 7ature+ !ltruis- and E-pathy in Every-
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)))0 "8arin# Ki!7 The Role of $he S.hool05 Phi Delta appan, Mar.h AIIA7
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Mifflin/ AIIC0
)))0 "8hoi.e for 8hil!ren7 Wh' an! Ho, $o Le$ 8hil!ren De.i!e05 Phi Delta
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S$ra$e#ie05 :ournal o) Educational Psychology IE 9CBBA:7 EBIQAI0
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Sear/ Ro*er$ R0/ Eleanor E0 Ma..o*'/ an! Harr' Le-in0 Patterns o) Child
,earing. E-an$on/ IL7 Ro,/ Pe$eron/ AIGH0
Si%on/ Ronal! L0/ K(ei6Hi( Lin/ Lelie 80 Gor!on/ Gene H0 Bro!'/ an! Ran! D0
8on#er0 "8o%%(ni$' Differen.e in $he Ao.ia$ion Be$,een Paren$in#
Pra.$i.e an! 8hil! 8on!(.$ Pro*le%05 :ournal o) 5arriage and the 4a-ily FD
9CBBC:7 EEAQDG0
Si%on/ Ronal! L0/ Le B0 Whi$*e.&/ Ran! D0 8on#er/ an! W( 8h'i6In0 "In$er#en6
era$ional Tran%iion of Harh Paren$in#05 Develop-ental Psychology CH
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Si%+on/ A0 Rae0 The ,ole o) the 5ass 5edia in Parenting Education. Bo$on7
8en6$er for Heal$h 8o%%(ni.a$ion/ Har-ar! S.hool of P(*li. Heal$h/ AIIH0
S$a'$on/ Donel!a <0/ Ro*er$ Ho#an/ an! Mar' D0 Sal$er Ain,or$h0 "Infan$ O*e!i6
en.e an! Ma$ernal Beha-ior05 Child Develop-ent DC 9AIHA:7 ABGHQFI0
S$or%ha&/ EliMa*e$h A0/ Karen L0 Bier%an/ Ro*er$ <0 M.Mahon/ an! Liliana <0
Len#(a0 "Paren$in# Pra.$i.e an! 8hil! Dir(+$i-e Beha-ior Pro*le% in Earl'
Ele%en$ar' S.hool05 :ournal o) Clinical Child Psychology CI 9CBBB:7 AHQCI0
CGD R E F E R E N 8 E S
S$ra#e/ A%'/ an! Ta%ara S,anon Bran!$0 "A($hori$a$i-e Paren$in# an! 8olle#e
S$(!en$1 A.a!e%i. A!;($%en$ an! S(..e05 :ournal o) Educational
Psycholo-gy IA 9AIII:7 ADFQGF0
S$ra(/ M(rra' A0 Beating the Devil <ut o) The-+ Corporal Punish-ent in !-eri-
can 4a-ilies and "ts E))ects on Children. Cn! e!0 Ne, Br(n,i.&/ N<7 Trana.6
$ion/ CBBA0
)))0 "8hil!ren Sho(l! Ne-er/ E-er/ Be S+an&e!/ No Ma$$er Wha$ $he 8ir.(%6
$an.e05 In Current Controversies on 4a-ily @iolence, Cn! e!0/ e!i$e! *' Donileen
R0 Loe&e/ Ri.har! <0 Gelle/ an! Mar' M0 8a-ana(#h0 Lon!on7 Sa#e/ CBBD0
)))0 Pri-ordial @iolence+ Corporal Punish-ent by Parents. Waln($ 8ree&/ 8A7
Al$aMira Pre/ CBBG0
S$ra(/ M(rra' A0/ an! Ani$a K0 Ma$h(r0 "So.ial 8han#e an! $he Tren! in
A++ro-al of 8or+oral P(nih%en$ *' Paren$ fro% AIFJ $o AIID05 In 4a-ily
@iolence !gainst Children, e!i$e! *' De$le- Frehee/ Wie*&e Horn/ an! Kai6D0
B(%ann0 Ne, Yor&7 Wal$er !e Gr('$er/ AIIF0
S$ra(/ M(rra' A0/ an! <(lie H0 S$e,ar$0 "8or+oral P(nih%en$ *' A%eri.an Par6
en$7 Na$ional Da$a on Pre-alen.e/ 8hroni.i$'/ Se-eri$'/ an! D(ra$ion/ in
Rela$ion $o 8hil! an! Fa%il' 8hara.$eri$i.05 Clinical Child and 4a-ily
Psychology ,evie% C 9AIII:7 GGQHB0
S$ra(/ M(rra' A0/ Da-i! B0 S(#ar%an/ an! <ean Gile6Si%0 "S+an&in# *'
Paren$ an! S(*e3(en$ An$io.ial Beha-ior of 8hil!ren05 !rchives o)
Pediatrics and !dolescent 5edicine AGA 9AIIH:7 HFAQFH0
S,anon/ Ben/ an! Bren$ Mallin.&ro!$0 "Fa%il' En-iron%en$/ Lo-e Wi$h!ra,al/
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Toner/ I#na$i( <0 "P(ni$i-e an! Non6P(ni$i-e Di.i+line an! S(*e3(en$ R(le6
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can Psychologist DD 9AIJI:7 AACQAI0
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Wa$on/ Maril'n0 'earning to Trust+ Trans)or-ing Di))icult Ele-entary Classroo-s
Through Develop-ental Discipline. San Fran.i.o7 <oe'6Ba/ CBBE0
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cational Psychology JB 9AIJJ:7 HFQJA0
?ahn6Wa2ler/ 8arol'n/ Marian Ra!&e6Yarro,/ an! Ro*er$ A0 Kin#0 "8hil! Rearin#
an! 8hil!ren1 Proo.ial Ini$ia$ion To,ar! Vi.$i% of Di$re05 Child Develop-
-ent GB 9AIHI:7 EAIQEB0
A8KNOWLEDGMENTS
W
i$ho($ A*i#ail an! Aa/ ,ho% 'o(1-e %e$ in $hee +a#e/ %'
$ho(#h$ a*o($ raiin# .hil!ren ,o(l! *e *o$h le (*$an$i-e an! le
in$ere$in#)an! o ,o(l! %' life0 E-en a+ar$ fro% $he $orie
I1-e $ol! a*o($ $he%/ %' ene of ,ha$ i$ %ean $o *e a +aren$ i
infor%e! in e-er' +ar$i.(lar *' *ein# their +aren$0 Si%ilarl'/ %'
$hin&in#)an!/ a#ain/ %' life)ha *een i%%ea(ra*l' enri.he! *'
$heir o$her +aren$/ %' ,ife/ Alia0 She/ $oo/ %a&e an a++earan.e in
$hee +a#e fro% $i%e $o $i%e/ *($ $hoe referen.e .an1$ *e#in $o
.a+$(re ho, %(.h I o,e her0 Her e2$raor!inar' ini#h$ an! +a$ien.e/
her .oni$en$ fo.( on !oin# ,ha$1 *e$ for o(r .hil!ren/ in+ire %e
an! i%+ro-e %e an! in-i$e %e $o e2a%6ine %' o,n +aren$in# .hoi.e0
9So !oe $he fa.$ $ha$ he o..aionall' a' $o %e/ onl' half in ;e$/
"H%%%%0 No,/ ,ha$ ,o(l! Alfie Kohn a' a*o($ ,ha$ 'o( ;($ !i!@5:
Alia ,a in-al(a*le $o $hi *oo& in ano$her/ %ore +e.ifi. ,a'0
She rea! e-er' in#le .ha+$er an! offere! (##e$ion $ha$ relia*l'
i%+ro-e! $he ar#(%en$ an! $he $one0 Re%ar&a*l'/ Maril'n Wa$on/ $o
,ho% I1% no$ e-en rela$e!/ +erfor%e! a i%ilar er-i.e/ *rin#in# her
.oni!era*le ,i!o%/ er(!i$ion/ an! life e2+erien.e $o *ear on ,ha$ I
ha! ,ri$$en0 I1-e &no,n Maril'n for a #oo! ,hile no,/ an!/ a I
e2+laine! in $he fore,or! I ,a $hrille! $o ,ri$e for her o,n *oo& a
.o(+le of 'ear a#o/ her $hin&in# on .hil! !e-elo+%en$ ha infl(en.e!
%e a %(.h a $ha$ of an'one ele in $he fiel!0 B($ !on1$ hol! her)or/
for $ha$ %a$$er/ Alia) re+oni*le for e-er'$hin# on $hee +a#eN ;($
#i-e $he% .re!i$ for $he +ar$ $ha$ %a&e ene $o 'o(0
While I1% a$ i$/ $here are o$her +eo+le ,ho li&e,ie ho(l! no$ *e
hel! re+oni*le/ an! $o ,ho% I1% #ra$ef(l for rea!in# +or$ion of $he
CGF A 8 K N O W L E D G M E N T S
*oo& an! re+on!in# ,i$h (ef(l .o%%en$/ lar#e an! %all7 Wen!'
Grolni.&/ Ri.h R'an/ Da-i! Al$h(ler/ Fre! Ro$h*a(%/ an! E! De.i0
Of .o(re/ $here %i#h$ no$ ha-e *een a *oo& for $hee +eo+le $o
i%+ro-e if i$ ,eren1$ for $he e2+er$ie an! in$ere$ of Gail Ro an! Tra.'
Behar/ a#en$ an! e!i$or e2$raor!inaire/ re+e.$i-el'0 I1% in!e*$e! $o *o$h
of $he% for)an! #ra$ifie! *')$heir !e!i.a$ion $o $hi +ro;e.$0
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