Cat and Mouse

Book 2 of the Danzig Trilogy

by Gnter Grass
Translated by Ralph Manheim
Back Cover:
Cat and Mouse was the book Gnter Grass wrote immediately
after The Tin Drum, and it shares its setting with that earlier novel:
Danzig during World War ! "ut while The Tin Drum a#hieves its
e$traordinary #umulative effe#t through the sprawling and
pi#ares%ue& Cat and Mouse depends on brevity and #ompa#tness!
The provo#ative story #enters on the narrator's vivid re#olle#tion
of a boyhood s#ene in whi#h a bla#k #at is provoked to poun#e on his
friend Mahlke's (mouse( )) his prominent *dam's apple! This in#ident
sets off a wild series of utterly Grassian events that ultimately leads
to Mahlke's be#oming a national hero! "e#ause of Grass's singular
storytelling virtuosity& Cat and Mouse is marvelously entertaining&
powerful& and full of funny episodes )) yet it also has a serious
under#urrent (at the deepest level& +about, the survival of individual
human %ualities in this age of wars and state)dire#ted politi#s( (The
New York Times Book Review).
Gnter Grass )) novelist& poet& playwright& essayist& and graphi#
artist )) is #onsidered Germany's greatest #ontemporary writer! -e
lives in "erlin!
.opyright /01/ by -ermann 2u#hterhand 3erlag Gmb-&
4euwied am Rhein& "erlin)5pandau
6nglish translation #opyright 7 /018 by -ar#ourt& n#!& and
Martin 5eeker 9 Warburg 2imited
.opyright renewed /00/ by Ralph Manheim
:irst published in German under the title Katz und Maus
Chapter
I
! ! ! and one day& after Mahlke had learned to swim& we were
lying in the grass& in the 5#hlagball field! ought to have gone to the
dentist& but they wouldn't let me be#ause was hard to repla#e on the
team! My tooth was howling! * #at sauntered diagonally a#ross the
field and no one threw anything at it! * few of the boys were #hewing
or plu#king at blades of grass! The #at belonged to the #aretaker and
was bla#k! -otten 5onntag rubbed his bat with a woolen sto#king! My
tooth marked time! The tournament had been going on for two hours!
We had lost hands down and were waiting for the return game! t was
a young #at& but no kitten! n the stadium& handball goals were being
made thi#k and fast on both sides! My tooth kept saying one word&
over and over again! ;n the #inder tra#k the sprinters were pra#ti#ing
starts or limbering up! The #at meandered about! * trimotored plane
#rept a#ross the sky& slow and loud& but #ouldn't drown out my tooth!
Through the stalks of grass the #aretaker's bla#k #at showed a white
bib! Mahlke was asleep! The wind was from the east& and the
#rematorium between the <nited .emeteries and the 6ngineering
5#hool was operating! Mr! Mallenbrandt& the gym tea#her& blew his
whistle: .hange sides! The #at pra#ti#ed! Mahlke was asleep or
seemed to be! was ne$t to him with my tootha#he! 5till pra#ti#ing&
the #at #ame #loser! Mahlke's *dam's apple attra#ted attention
be#ause it was large& always in motion& and threw a shadow!
"etween me and Mahlke the #aretaker's bla#k #at tensed for a leap!
We formed a triangle! My tooth was silent and stopped marking time:
for Mahlke's *dam's apple had be#ome the #at's mouse! t was so
young a #at& and Mahlke's whatsis was so a#tive )) in any #ase the
#at leaped at Mahlke's throat= or one of us #aught the #at and held it
up to Mahlke's ne#k= or & with or without my tootha#he& seized the #at
and showed it Mahlke's mouse: and >oa#him Mahlke let out a yell&
but suffered only slight s#rat#hes!
*nd now it is up to me& who #alled your mouse to the attention
of this #at and all #ats& to write! 6ven if we were both invented&
should have to write! ;ver and over again the fellow who invented us
be#ause it's his business to invent people obliges me to take your
*dam's apple in my hand and #arry it to the spot that saw it win or
lose! *nd so& to begin with& make the mouse bob up and down
above the s#rewdriver& fling a multitude of replete sea gulls into the
fitful northeast wind& high over Mahlke's head& #all the weather
summery and persistently fair& assume that the wre#k was a former
mine sweeper of the Czaika #lass& and give the "alti# the #olor of
thi#k)glass seltzer bottles! 4ow that the s#ene of a#tion has been
identified as a point southeast of the 4eufahrwasser harbor buoy&
make Mahlke's skin& from whi#h water is still running in rivulets& take
on a te$ture somewhere between fine and #oarse)grained! t was not
fear& however& that roughened Mahlke's skin& but the shivers
#ustomary after long immersion in the sea that seized hold of Mahlke
and took the smoothness from his skin!
*nd yet none of us& as we huddled lean and long)armed
between our upthrust knees on the remains of the bridge& had asked
Mahlke to dive down again into the fo'#'sle of the sunken mine
sweeper and the ad?oining engine room amidships& and work
something loose with his s#rewdriver& a s#rew& a little wheel& or
something really spe#ial: a brass plate ins#ribed with the dire#tions in
@olish and 6nglish for operating some ma#hine! We were sitting on
the superstru#ture& or as mu#h of it as remained above the water& of a
former @olish mine sweeper of the Czaika #lass& built in Gdynia and
laun#hed in Modlin& whi#h had been sunk the year before southeast
of the harbor buoy& well outside the #hannel so that it did not interfere
with shipping!
5in#e then gull droppings had dried on the rust! n all kinds of
weather the gulls flew sleek and smooth& with eyes like glass beads
on the sides of their heads& grazing the remains of the pilothouse&
then wildly up again& a##ording to some inde#ipherable plan& s%uirting
their slimy droppings in full flight )) and they never fell into the soft
sea but always on the rusty superstru#ture! -ard& dense& #al#areous&
the droppings #lung fast& side by side in innumerable spots& or
heaped up in mounds! *nd always when we sat on the barge&
fingernails and toenails tried to #hip off the droppings! That's why our
nails #ra#ked and not be#ause we bit our fingernails )) e$#ept for
5#hilling& who was always #hewing at them and had nails like rivets!
;nly Mahlke had long nails& though they were yellow from all his
diving& and he kept them long by neither biting them nor s#rat#hing at
the gull droppings! *nd he was the only one who never ate the #hips
we broke loose )) the rest of us& be#ause it was there& #hewed the
stony& shell)like mess into a foaming slime& whi#h we spat overboard!
The stuff tasted like nothing at all or like plaster or like fish meal or
like everything imaginable: happiness& girls& God in -is heaven! (Do
you realize&( said Winter& who sang very ni#ely& (that tenors eat gull
droppings every dayA( ;ften the gulls #aught our #al#areous spittle in
full flight& apparently suspe#ting nothing!
When shortly after the outbreak of the war >oa#him Mahlke
turned fourteen& he #ould neither swim nor ride a bi#y#le= there was
nothing striking about his appearan#e and he la#ked the *dam's
apple that was later to lure the #at! -e had been e$#used from
gymnasti#s and swimming& be#ause he had presented #ertifi#ates
showing him to be si#kly! 6ven before he learned to ride a bi#y#le )) a
ludi#rous figure with his deep)red& protuberant ears and his knees
thrust sideways as he pedaled )) he reported for swimming in the
winter season& at the 4iederstadt pool& but at first he was admitted
only to the (dry swimming( #lass for eight)to)ten)year)olds! 4or did he
make mu#h progress the following summer! The swimming tea#her at
"rBsen "ea#h& a typi#al swimming tea#her with a torso like a life
buoy and thin hairless legs& had to put Mahlke through his pa#es in
the sand and then hold him by a life line! "ut after we had swum
away from him several afternoons in a row and #ome ba#k telling
fantasti# stories about the sunken mine sweeper& he was mightily
inspired and in less than two weeks he was swimming!
6arnestly and #ons#ientiously he swam ba#k and forth between
the pier& the big diving tower& and the bathing bea#h& and he had no
doubt a#hieved a #ertain enduran#e by the time he began to pra#ti#e
diving off the little breakwater outside the pier& first bringing up some
#ommon "alti# mussels& then diving for a beer bottle filled with sand&
whi#h he threw out pretty far! My guess is that Mahlke soon
su##eeded in re#overing the bottle %uite regularly& for when he began
to dive with us on the mine sweeper& he was no longer a beginner!
-e pleaded with us to let him #ome along! 5i$ or seven of us
were getting ready for our daily swim& elaborately moistening our
skins in the shallow water of the family pool& as a pre#aution against
sudden #hill! *nd there was Mahlke on the plank walk: (@lease take
me with you! 'll make it& 'm positive!(
* s#rewdriver hung around his ne#k& distra#ting attention from
his *dam's apple!
(;CD( *nd Mahlke #ame along! "etween the first and se#ond
sandbank he passed us& and we didn't bother to #at#h up with him!
(2et him kno#k himself out!(
When Mahlke swam breast stroke& the s#rewdriver bobbed
visibly up and down between his shoulder blades& for it had a wooden
handle! When he swam on his ba#k& the wooden handle dan#ed
about on his #hest& but never entirely #overed the horrid pie#e of
#artilage between #hin and #ollarbone& whi#h #ut through the water
like a dorsal fin& leaving a wake behind it!
*nd then Mahlke showed us! -e dove several times in %ui#k
su##ession with his s#rewdriver and brought up whatever he was
able to uns#rew: lids& pie#es of sheathing& a part of the generator= he
found a rope& and with the help of the de#repit win#h hoisted up a
genuine fire e$tinguisher from the fo'#'sle! The thing )) made in
Germany& might add )) still worked= Mahlke proved it& s%uirting
streams of foam to show us how you e$tinguish with foam&
e$tinguishing the glass)green sea )) from the very first day he was
tops!
The flakes still lay in islands and long streaks on the flat& even
swell& attra#ting a few gulls whi#h were soon repelled& settled& and
like a big mess of whipped #ream turned sour drifted off toward the
bea#h! Then Mahlke #alled it a day and sat down in the shadow of
the pilothouse= and even before the stray tatters of foam on the
bridge had time to lose their stiffness and start trembling in the
breeze& his skin had taken on that shriveled& #oarse)grained look!
Mahlke shivered and his *dam's apple ?ogged up and down= his
s#rewdriver did dan#e steps over his %uaking #ollarbones! -is ba#k&
white in spots& burned lobster)red from the shoulders down& forever
peeling with fresh sunburn on both sides of his prominent spinal
#olumn& was also #overed with gooseflesh and shaken with fitful
shudders! -is yellowish lips& blue at the edges& bared his #hattering
teeth! "ut he tried to bring his body )) and his teeth )) under #ontrol
by #lasping his knees& whi#h he had bruised on the barna#le)#overed
bulkheads& with his big waterlogged hands!
-otten 5onntag )) or was it A )) rubbed Mahlke down! (2ord&
man& don't go #at#hing something! We've still got to get ba#k!( The
s#rewdriver began to #alm down!
The way out took us twenty)five minutes from the breakwater&
thirty)five from the bea#h! We needed a good three %uarters of an
hour to get ba#k! 4o matter how e$hausted he was& he was always
standing on the breakwater a good minute ahead of us! -e never lost
the lead he had taken the first day! "efore we rea#hed the barge )) as
we #alled the mine sweeper )) Mahlke had already been under on#e&
and as soon as we rea#hed out our washerwoman's hands& all of us
pretty mu#h at on#e& for the rust and gull droppings of the bridge or
the ?utting gun mounts& he silently e$hibited a hinge or something or
other that had #ome off easily& and already he was shivering& though
after the se#ond or third time he #overed himself with a thi#k&
e$travagant #oat of 4ivea #ream= for Mahlke had plenty of po#ket
money!
Mahlke was an only #hild!
Mahlke was half an orphan!
Mahlke's father was dead!
Winter and summer Mahlke wore old)fashioned high shoes
whi#h he must have inherited from his father!
-e #arried the s#rewdriver around his ne#k on a shoela#e for
high bla#k shoes!
t o##urs to me only now that& in addition to the s#rewdriver&
Mahlke& for #ertain reasons& wore something else around his ne#k=
but the s#rewdriver was more #onspi#uous!
-e wore a little silver #hain& from whi#h hung something silver
and .atholi#: the "lessed 3irgin= most likely he had always worn it&
but we had never noti#ed= he #ertainly had it on ever sin#e the day
when he had started to swim in harness and to make figures in the
sand while pra#ti#ing his ki#k!
4ever& not even in gym #lass& did Mahlke remove the medal
from his ne#k= for no sooner had he taken up dry swimming and
swimming in harness in the winter swimming pool at 4iederstadt than
he turned up in our gymnasium& and never again did he produ#e any
do#tor's #ertifi#ates! 6ither the silver 3irgin disappeared under his
white gym shirt or lay ?ust over the red stripe that ran around it at
#hest level!
6ven the parallel bars held no horrors for Mahlke! ;nly three or
four of the best members of the first s%uad were e%ual to the horse
e$er#ises& but Mahlke was right with them& leaping from the
springboard& sailing over the long leather horse& and landing on the
mat with 3irgin awry& sending up #louds of dust! When he did knee)
swings on the horizontal bar )) his form was miserable& but later he
su##eeded in doing two more than -otten 5onntag& our gymnasti#s
#hampion )) well& when Mahlke ground out his thirty)seven knee)
swings& the medal tugged out of his gym shirt& and hurtled thirty)
seven times around the s%ueaking horizontal bar& always in advan#e
of his medium)brown hair! "ut it never #ame free from his ne#k& for
the wildly agitated #hain was held in pla#e not only by his ?utting
*dam's apple but also by his protuberant o##iput& with its thi#k growth
of hair!
The s#rewdriver lay over the medal& and in pla#es the shoela#e
#overed the #hain! -owever& the s#rewdriver did not outshine the
medal& espe#ially as the ob?e#t with the wooden handle was not
allowed in the gymnasium! ;ur gym tea#her& a Mr! Mallenbrandt who
was also assistant prin#ipal and was well known in sports #ir#les
be#ause he had written a rulebook to end all rulebooks for the game
of 5#hlagball& forbade Mahlke to wear the s#rewdriver around his
ne#k in gym #lass! Mallenbrandt never found any fault with the medal
on Mahlke's ne#k& be#ause in addition to physi#al #ulture and
geography& he taught religion& and up to the se#ond year of the war
guided the remnants of a .atholi# workers' gymnasti# so#iety over
and under the horizontal and parallel bars!
*nd so the s#rewdriver had to wait in the dressing room& over
his shirt on the hook& while the slightly worn silver 3irgin was
privileged to hang from Mahlke's ne#k and su##or him amid
gymnasti# perils!
* #ommon s#rewdriver it was& #heap and sturdy! ;ften Mahlke&
in order to deta#h a small pla%ue no larger than the name plate
beside an apartment door& had to dive five or si$ times& espe#ially
when the plate was affi$ed to metal and the s#rews were rusted! ;n
the other hand& he sometimes managed& after only two dives& to bring
up larger pla%ues with long te$ts ins#ribed on them by using his
s#rewdriver as a ?immy and prying s#rews and all from the
waterlogged wooden sheathing! -e was no great #olle#tor= he gave
many of his pla%ues to Winter and >rgen Cupka& who fanati#ally
#olle#ted everything removable& in#luding street markers and the
signs in publi# toilets= for himself he took only the few items that
parti#ularly stru#k his fan#y!
Mahlke didn't make things easy for himself= while we dozed on
the barge& he worked under water! We s#rat#hed at the gull
droppings and turned brown as #igars= those of us who had blond
hair were transformed into towheads! Mahlke at most took on fresh
lobster tones! While we followed the ships north of the bea#on& he
looked unswervingly downward: reddened& slightly inflamed lids with
sparse lashes& think= light)blue eyes whi#h filled with #uriosity only
under water! 5ometimes Mahlke #ame up without any pla%ues or
other spoils& but with a broken or hopelessly bent s#rewdriver! That
too he would e$hibit& and always got an effe#t! The gesture with
whi#h he tossed it over his shoulder into the water& e$asperating the
gulls& was #ommanded neither by resigned disappointment nor by
aimless rage! 4ever did Mahlke throw away a broken tool with
indifferen#e& real or affe#ted! 6ven this a#t of tossing away signified:
'll soon have something more to show you!
! ! !and on#e )) a hospital ship with two smokesta#ks had put
into port& and after a brief dis#ussion we had identified it as the
Kaiser of the 6ast @russian Maritime 5ervi#e )) >oa#him Mahlke went
down into the fo'#'sle without a s#rewdriver and& holding his nose with
two fingers& vanished in the open& slate)green& slightly submerged
forward hat#hway! -e went in headfirst )) his hair was plastered flat
and parted from swimming and diving= he pulled in his ba#k and hips&
ki#ked on#e at the empty air& but then& bra#ing both feet against the
edge of the hat#h& pushed down into the dusky #ool a%uarium&
floodlighted through open portholes: nervous sti#kleba#ks& an
immobile s#hool of lampreys& swaying hammo#ks& still firmly atta#hed
at the ends& overgrown with seaweed& a playhouse for baby herring!
Rarely a stray #od! ;nly rumors of eels! We never on#e saw a
flounder!
We #lasped our slightly trembling knees& #hewed gull droppings
into a sludge= half weary& half fas#inated& we #ounted a formation of
4avy #utters& followed the sta#ks of the hospital ship& when#e smoke
was still rising verti#ally& e$#hanged sidelong glan#es! -e stayed
down a long while )) gulls #ir#led& the swell gurgled over the bow&
broke against the forward gun mount )) the gun itself had been
removed! * splashing as the water flowed ba#k between the
ventilators behind the bridge& li#king always at the same rivets= lime
under fingernails= it#hing on dry skin& shimmering light& #hugging of
motors in the wind& private parts half stiff& seventeen poplars between
"rBsen and Glettkau )) and then he #ame shooting upward: bluish)
red around the #hin& yellowish over the #heekbones! -is hair parted
e$a#tly in the middle& he rose like a fountain from the hat#h&
staggered over the bow through water up to his knees& rea#hed for
the ?utting gun mount& and fell watery)goggle)eyed to his knees= we
had to pull him up on the bridge! "ut before the water had stopped
flowing from his nose and the #orner of his mouth& he showed us his
find& a steel s#rewdriver in one pie#e! Made in 6ngland! 5tamped on
the metal: 5heffield! 4o s#ars& no rust& still #oated with grease! The
water formed into beads and rolled off!
6very day for over a year Mahlke wore this heavy& to all intents
and purposes unbreakable s#rewdriver on a shoela#e& even after we
had stopped or almost stopped swimming out to the barge! Though
he was a good .atholi#& it be#ame a kind of #ult with him! "efore gym
#lass& for instan#e& he would give the thing to Mr! Mallenbrandt for
safekeeping= he was dreadfully afraid it might be stolen& and even
took it with him to 5t! Mary's .hapel= for not only on 5unday& but also
on weekdays& he went to early Mass on Marineweg& not far from the
4eus#hottland #o)operative housing development!
-e and his 6nglish s#rewdriver didn't have far to go )) out of
;sterzeile and down "Erenweg! Fuantities of two)story houses& villas
with gable roofs& porti#oes& and espaliered fruit trees! Then two rows
of housing developments& plain drab walls ornamented only with
water spots! To the right the street#ar line turned off and with it the
overhead wires& mostly against a partly #loudy sky! To the left& the
sandy& sorry)looking kit#hen gardens of the railroad workers: bowers
and rabbit hut#hes built with the bla#k and red boards of abandoned
freight #ars! "ehind the gardens the signals of the railway leading to
the :ree @ort! 5ilos& movable and stationary #ranes! The strange full)
#olored superstru#tures of the freighters! The two gray battleships
with their old)fashioned turrets were still there& the swimming do#k&
the Germania bread fa#tory= and silvery sleek& at medium height& a
few #aptive balloons& lur#hing and bobbing! n the right ba#kground&
the Gudrun 5#hool Gthe -elen 2ange 5#hool of former yearsH
blo#king out the iron hodgepodge of the 5#hi#hau Do#kyards as far
as the big hammer #rane! To this side of it& #overed& well)tended
athleti# fields& freshly painted goal posts& foul lines marked in lime on
the short grass: ne$t 5unday "lue)and)Iellow versus 5#hellmhl 0J
)) no grandstand& but a modern& tall)windowed gymnasium painted in
light o#her! The fresh red roof of this edifi#e& oddly enough& was
topped with a tarred wooden #ross= for 5t! Mary's .hapel had
formerly been a gymnasium belonging to the 4eus#hottland 5ports
.lub! t had been found ne#essary to transform it into an emergen#y
#hur#h& be#ause the .hur#h of the 5a#red -eart was too far away=
for years the people of 4eus#hottland& 5#hellmhl& and the housing
development between ;sterzeile and Westerzeile& mostly shipyard&
railroad& or post)offi#e workers& had sent petitions to the bishop in
;liva until& still during the :ree 5tate period& this gymnasium had
been pur#hased& remodeled& and #onse#rated!
Despite the tortuous and #olorful pi#tures and ornaments& some
privately donated but for the most part deriving from the #ellars and
storerooms of ?ust about every #hur#h in the dio#ese& there was no
denying or #on#ealing the gymnasium %uality of this #hur#h )) no
amount of in#ense or wa$ #andles #ould drown out the aroma of the
#halk& leather& and sweat of former years and former handball
mat#hes! *nd the #hapel never lost a #ertain air of @rotestant
parsimony& the fanati#al sobriety of a meetinghouse!
n the 4eo)Gothi# .hur#h of the 5a#red -eart& built of bri#ks at
the end of the nineteenth #entury& not far from the suburban railway
station& >oa#him Mahlke's steel s#rewdriver would have seemed
strange& ugly& and sa#rilegious! n 5t! Mary's .hapel& on the other
hand& he might perfe#tly well have worn it openly: the little #hapel
with its well)kept linoleum floor& its re#tangular frosted glass
windowpanes starting ?ust under the #eiling& the neat iron fi$tures that
had formerly served to hold the horizontal bar firmly in pla#e& the
planking in the #oarse)grained #on#rete #eiling& and beneath it the
iron Gthough whitewashedH #rossbeams to whi#h the rings& the
trapeze& and half a dozen #limbing ropes had formerly been affi$ed&
was so modern& so #oldly fun#tional a #hapel& despite the painted and
gilded plaster whi#h bestowed blessing and #onse#ration on all sides&
that the steel s#rewdriver whi#h Mahlke& in prayer and then in
#ommunion& felt it ne#essary to have dangling from his ne#k& would
never have attra#ted the attention either of the few devotees of early
Mass& or of :ather Gusewski and his sleepy altar boy )) who often
enough was myself!
4o& there 'm going too far! t would #ertainly not have es#aped
me! *s often as served at the altar& even during the gradual prayers
did my best& for various reasons& to keep an eye on you! *nd you
played safe= you kept your treasure under your shirt& and that was
why your shirt had those grease spots vaguely indi#ating the shape
of the s#rewdriver! 5een from the altar& he knelt in the se#ond pew of
the left)hand row& aiming his prayer with open eyes )) light gray they
were& think& and usually inflamed from all his swimming and diving ))
in the dire#tion of the 3irgin!
! ! !and on#e )) don't remember whi#h summer it was )) was it
during the first summer va#ation on the barge& shortly after the row in
:ran#e& or was it the following summerA )) one hot and misty day&
enormous #rowd on the family bea#h& sagging pennants& overripe
flesh& big rush at the refreshments stands& on burning feet over the
fiber runners& past lo#ked #abins full of tittering& through a turbulent
mob of #hildren engaged in slobbering& tumbling& and #utting then:
feet= and in the midst of this spawn whi#h would now be twenty)three
years old& beneath the soli#itous eyes of the grownups& a little brat&
who must have been about three& pounded monotonously on a #hild's
tin drum& turning the afternoon into an infernal smithy )) whereupon
we took to the water and swam out to our barge= from the bea#h& in
the lifeguard's bino#ulars for instan#e& we were si$ diminishing heads
in motion= one head in advan#e of the rest and first to rea#h the goal!
We threw ourselves on burning though wind)#ooled rust and
gull droppings and lay motionless! Mahlke had already been under
twi#e! -e #ame up with something in his left hand! -e had sear#hed
the #rew's %uarters& in and under the half)rotted hammo#ks& some
tossing limply& others still lashed fast& amid swarms of irides#ent
sti#kleba#ks& through forests of seaweed where lampreys darted in
and out& and in a matted mound& on#e the sea kit of 5eaman
Duszynski or 2iszinski& he had found a bronze medallion the size of a
hand& bearing on one side& below a small embossed @olish eagle& the
name of the owner and the date on whi#h it had been #onferred& and
on the other a relief of a musta#hioed general! *fter a #ertain amount
of rubbing with sand and powdered gull droppings the #ir#ular
ins#ription told us that Mahlke had brought to light the portrait of
Marshal @ilsudski!
:or two weeks Mahlke #on#entrated on medallions= he also
found a kind of tin plate #ommemorating a regatta in the Gdynia
roadstead and amidships& between fo'#'sle and engine room& in the
#ramped& almost ina##essible offi#ers' mess& a silver medal the size
of a mark pie#e& with a silver ring to pass a #hain through= the reverse
was flat& worn& and anonymous& but the fa#e& amid a profusion of
ornament& bore the 3irgin and .hild in sharp relief!
* raised ins#ription identified her as the famous Matka "oska
.zesto#howska= and when Mahlke on the bridge saw what he had
found& we offered him sand& but he did not polish his medal= he
preferred the bla#k patina!
The rest of us wanted to see shining silver! "ut before we had
finished arguing& he had knelt down on his knobby knees in the
shadow of the pilothouse& shifting his treasure about until it was at the
right angle for his gaze& lowered in devotion! We laughed as& bluish
and shivering& he #rossed himself with his waterlogged fingertips&
attempted to move his lips in prayer& and produ#ed a bit of 2atin
between #hattering teeth! still think it was even then something from
his favorite se%uen#e& whi#h normally was spoken only on the :riday
before @alm 5unday: "ir!o vir!inum "rae#$ara, Mihi iam non sis
amara. . ."
2ater& after Dr! Clohse& our prin#ipal& had forbidden Mahlke to
wear this @olish arti#le openly on his ne#k during #lasses )) Clohse
was a high party offi#ial& though he seldom wore his uniform at s#hool
)) >oa#him Mahlke #ontented himself with wearing his usual little
amulet and the steel s#rewdriver beneath the *dam's apple whi#h a
#at had taken for a mouse!
-e hung the bla#kened silver 3irgin between @ilsudski's bronze
profile and the post#ard)size photo of .ommodore "onte& the hero of
4arvik!
CHAT!"
II
Was all this praying and worshiping in ?estA Iour house was on
Westerzeile! Iou had a strange sense of humor& if any! 4o& your
house was on ;sterzeile! *ll the streets in the housing development
looked alike! *nd yet you had only to eat a sandwi#h and we would
laugh& ea#h infe#ting the other! 6very time we had to laugh at you& it
#ame as a surprise to us! "ut when Dr! "rumes& one of our tea#hers&
asked the boys of our #lass what profession they were planning to
take up and you )) you already knew how to swim )) said: ('m going
to be a #lown and make people laugh&( no one laughed in the
#lassroom )) and myself was frightened! :or while Mahlke firmly and
#andidly stated his intention of be#oming a #lown in a #ir#us or
somewhere else& he made so solemn a fa#e that it was really to be
feared that he would one day make people laugh themselves si#k& if
only by publi#ly praying to the 3irgin between the lion tamer and the
trapeze a#t= but that prayer of yours on the barge must have been in
earnest )) or wasn't itA
-e lived on ;sterzeile and not on Westerzeile! The one)family
house stood beside& between& and opposite similar one)family
houses whi#h #ould be distinguished perhaps by different patterns or
folds in the #urtains& but hardly by the vegetation of the little gardens
out in front! *nd ea#h garden had its little birdhouse on a pole and its
glazed garden ornaments: frogs& mushrooms& or dwarfs! n front of
Mahlke's house sat a #erami# frog! "ut in front of the ne$t house and
the ne$t& there were also green #erami# frogs!
n short& it was number twenty)four& and when you approa#hed
from Wolfsweg& Mahlke lived in the fourth house on the left side of
the street! 2ike Westerzeile& whi#h ran parallel to it& ;sterzeile was
perpendi#ular to "Erenweg& whi#h ran parallel to Wolfsweg! When
you went down Westerzeile from Wolfsweg and looked to the left and
westward over the red tiled roofs& you saw the west side and front of
a tower with a tarnished bulbiform steeple! f you went down
;sterzeile in the same dire#tion& you saw over the rooftops the east
side and front of the same belfry= for .hrist .hur#h lay on the far side
of "Erenweg& e$a#tly halfway between ;sterzeile and Westerzeile&
and with its four dials beneath the green& bulbiform roof& provided the
whole neighborhood& from Ma$)-albe)@latz to the .atholi# and
#lo#kless 5t! Mary's .hapel& from Magdeburger 5trasse to
@osadowskiweg near 5#hellmhl& with the tune of day& enabling
@rotestant as well as .atholi# fa#tory workers and offi#e workers&
salesgirls and s#hoolboys to rea#h their s#hools or pla#es of work
with interdenominational pun#tuality!
:rom his window Mahlke #ould see the dial of the east fa#e of
the tower! -e had his room in the atti#= the walls were slightly on a
slant& and the rain and hail beat down dire#tly over his head: an atti#
room full of the usual ?uvenile bri#)K)bra#& from the butterfly #olle#tion
to the post#ard photos of movie stars& lavishly de#orated pursuit
pilots and @anzer generals= but in the midst of all this& an untrained
#olor print of the 5istine Madonna with the two #hubby)#heeked
angels at the lower edge& the @ilsudski medal& already mentioned&
and the #onse#rated amulet from .zesto#howa beside a photograph
of the #ommander of the 4arvik destroyers!
The very first time went to see him& noti#ed the stuffed snowy
owl! lived not far away& on Westerzeile= but 'm not going to speak of
myself& my story is about Mahlke& or Mahlke and me& but always with
the emphasis on Mahlke& for his hair was parted in the middle& he
wore high shoes& he always had something or other dangling from his
ne#k to distra#t the eternal #at from the eternal mouse& he knelt at the
altar of the 3irgin& he was the diver with the fresh sunburn= though he
was always tied up in knots and his form was bad& he always had a
bit of a lead on the rest of us& and no sooner had he learned to swim
than he made up his mind that someday& after finishing s#hool and all
that& he would be a #lown in the #ir#us and make people laugh!
The snowy owl had Mahlke's solemn part in the middle and the
same suffering& meekly resolute look& as of a redeemer plagued by
inner tootha#he! t was well prepared& only dis#reetly retou#hed& and
held a bir#h bran#h in its #laws! The owl had been left him by his
father!
did my best to ignore the snowy owl& the #olor print of the
Madonna& and the silver pie#e from .zesto#howa= for me the #enter
of the room was the phonograph that Mahlke had painstakingly
raised from the barge! -e had found no re#ords= they must have
dissolved! t was a relatively modern #ontrivan#e with a #rank and a
player arm! -e had found it in the same offi#ers' mess that had
already yielded his silver medal and several other items! The #abin
was amidships& hen#e ina##essible to the rest of us& even -otten
5onntag! :or we went only as far as the fo'#'sle and never ventured
through the dark bulkhead& whi#h even the fishes seldom visited& into
the engine room and the #ramped ad?oining #abins!
5hortly before the end of our first summer va#ation on the
barge& Mahlke brought up the phonograph )) German)made it was&
like the fire e$tinguisher )) after perhaps a dozen dives! n#h by in#h
he had moved it forward to the foot of the hat#h and finally hoisted it
up to us on the bridge with the help of the same rope that had served
for the fire e$tinguisher!
We had to improvise a raft of driftwood and #ork to haul the
tiling ashore= the #rank was frozen with rust! We took turns in towing
the raft& all of us e$#ept Mahlke!
* week later the phonograph was in his room& repaired& oiled&
the metal parts freshly plated! The turntable was #overed with fresh
felt! *fter winding it in my presen#e& he set the ri#h)green turntable to
revolving empty! Mahlke stood behind it with folded arms& beside the
snowy owl on its bir#h bran#h! -is mouse was %uiet stood with my
ba#k to the 5istine #olor print& gazing either at the empty& slightly
wobbling turntable& or out the mansard window& over the raw)red roof
tiles& at .hrist .hur#h& one dial on the front& another on the east side
of the bulbiform tower! "efore the #lo#k stru#k si$& the phonograph
droned to a stop! Mahlke wound the thing up again& demanding that
give his new rite my unflagging attention: listened to the assortment
of soft and medium sounds #hara#teristi# of an anti%ue phonograph
left to its own devi#es! Mahlke had as yet no re#ords!
There were books on a long sagging shelf! -e read a good
deal& in#luding religious works! n addition to the #a#tuses on the
window sill& to models of a torpedo boat of the %o$& #lass and the
dispat#h boat Cri#ket& must also mention a glass of water that
always stood on the washstand beside the bowl= the water was
#loudy and there was an in#h)thi#k layer of sugar at the bottom! n
this glass Mahlke ea#h morning& with sugar and #are& stirred up the
milky solution designed to hold his thin& limp hair in pla#e= he never
removed the sediment of the previous day! ;n#e he offered me the
preparation and #ombed the sugar water into my hair= it must be
admitted that thanks to his fi$ative& my hairdo preserved a vitreous
rigidity until evening: my s#alp it#hed& my hands were sti#ky& like
Mahlke's hands& from passing them over my hair to see how it was
doing )) but maybe the sti#kiness of my hands is only an idea that
#ame to me later& maybe they were not sti#ky at all!
"elow him& in three rooms only two of whi#h were used& lived
his mother and her elder sister! "oth of them %uiet as mi#e when he
was there& always worried and proud of the boy& for to ?udge by his
report #ards Mahlke was a good student& though not at the head of
the #lass! -e was )) and this detra#ted slightly from the merit of his
performan#e )) a year older than the rest of us& be#ause his mother
and aunt had sent the frail& or as they put it si#kly& lad to grade s#hool
a year later than usual!
"ut he was no grind& he studied with moderation& let everyone
#opy from him& never snit#hed& showed no parti#ular zeal e$#ept in
gym #lass& and had a #onspi#uous horror of the nasty pra#ti#al ?okes
#ustomary in Third! -e interfered& for instan#e& when -otten 5onntag&
having found a #ondom in 5teffenspark& brought it to #lass mounted
on a bran#h& and stret#hed it over our #lassroom doorknob! The
intended vi#tim was Dr! Treuge& a dottering half)blind pedant& who
ought to have been pensioned years before! * voi#e #alled from the
#orridor: (-e's #oming&( whereupon Mahlke arose& strode without
haste to the door& and removed the loathsome ob?e#t with a sandwi#h
paper!
4o one said a word! ;n#e more he had shown us= and today
#an say that in everything he did or did not do )) in not being a grind&
in studying with moderation& in allowing all and sundry to #opy from
him& in showing no parti#ular zeal e$#ept in gym #lass& in shunning
nasty pra#ti#al ?okes )) he was always that very spe#ial& individual
Mahlke& always& with or without effort& gathering applause! *fter all he
was planning to go into the #ir#us later or maybe on the stage= to
remove loathsome ob?e#ts from doorknobs was to pra#ti#e his
#lowning= he re#eived murmurs of approval and was almost a #lown
when he did his knee)swings on the horizontal bar& whirling his silver
3irgin through the fetid vapors of the gymnasium! "ut Mahlke piled
up the most applause in summer va#ation on the sunken barge&
although it would s#ar#ely have o##urred to us to #onsider his franti#
diving a #ir#us a#t! *nd we never laughed when Mahlke& time and
time again& #limbed blue and shivering onto the barge& bringing up
something or other in order to show us what he had brought up! *t
most we said with thoughtful admiration: (Man& that's great! wish
had your nerves! Iou're a #ool dog all right! -ow'd you ever get ahold
of thatA(
*pplause did him good and %uieted the ?umping mouse on his
ne#k= applause also embarrassed him and started the selfsame
mouse up again! <sually he made a disparaging gesture& whi#h
brought him new applause! -e wasn't one to brag= never on#e did
you say: (Iou try it!( ;r: ( dare one of you guys to try!( ;r:
(Remember the day before yesterday& the way went down four times
in a row& the way went in amidships as far as the galley and brought
up that famous #an! ! ! 4one of you ever did that! bet it #ame from
:ran#e& there were frogs' legs in it& tasted something like veal& but
you were yellow& you wouldn't even try it after 'd eaten half the #an!
*nd damned if didn't raise a se#ond #an& hell& even found a #an
opener& but the se#ond #an stank& rotten #orned beef!(
4o& Mahlke never spoke like that! -e did e$traordinary things!
;ne day& for instan#e& he #rawled into the barge's one)time galley
and brought up several #ans of preserves& whi#h a##ording to the
ins#riptions stamped in the metal were of 6nglish or :ren#h origin= he
even lo#ated an almost servi#eable #an opener! Without a word he
ripped the #ans open before our eyes& devoured the alleged frogs'
legs& his *dam's apple doing push)ups as he #hewed )) forgot to say
that Mahlke was by nature an eater )) and when the #an was half
empty& he held out the #an to us& invitingly but not overbearingly! We
said no thank you& be#ause ?ust from wat#hing& Winter had to #rawl
between the empty gun mounts and ret#h at length but in vain in the
dire#tion of the harbor mouth!
*fter this bit of #onspi#uous #onsumption& Mahlke naturally
re#eived his portion of applause= waving it aside& he fed the putrid
#orned beef and what was left of the frogs' legs to the gulls& whi#h
had been #oming steadily #loser during his ban%uet! :inally he
bowled the #ans and shooed the gulls overboard& and s#oured the
#an opener& whi#h alone stru#k him as worth keeping! :rom then on
he wore the #an opener suspended from his ne#k by a string like the
6nglish s#rewdriver and his various amulets& but not regularly& only
when he was planning to look for #anned goods in the galley of a
former @olish mine sweeper )) his stoma#h never seemed to mind!
;n su#h days he #ame to s#hool with the #an opener under his shirt
beside the rest of his hardware= he even wore it to early Mass in 5t!
Mary's .hapel= for whenever Mahlke knelt at the altar rail& tilting his
head ba#k and sti#king out his tongue for :ather Gusewski to lay the
host on& the altar boy by the priest's side would peer into Mahlke's
shirt #ollar: and there& dangling from your ne#k was the #an opener&
side by side with the Madonna and the grease)#oated s#rewdriver=
and admired you& though you were not trying to arouse my
admiration! 4o& Mahlke was never an eager beaver!
n the autumn of the same year in whi#h he had learned to
swim& they threw him out of the Ioung :olk and into the -itler Iouth&
be#ause several 5undays in a row he had refused to lead his s%uad
)) he was a s%uad leader in the Ioung :olk )) to the morning meet in
>es#hkental :orest! That too& in our #lass at least& brought him
outspoken admiration! -e re#eived our enthusiasm with the usual
mi$ture of #oolness and embarrassment and #ontinued& now as a
rank)and)file member of the -itler Iouth& to shirk his duty on 5unday
mornings= but in this organization& whi#h embra#ed the whole male
population from fourteen to twenty& his remissness attra#ted less
attention& for the -itler Iouth was not as stri#t as the Ioung :olk& it
was a big& sprawling organization in whi#h fellows like Mahlke #ould
blend with their surroundings! "esides& he wasn't insubordinate in the
usual sense= he regularly attended the training sessions during the
week& made himself useful in the (spe#ial a#tivities( that were
s#heduled more and more fre%uently& and was glad to help with the
?unk #olle#tions or stand on street #orners with a Winter *id #an& as
long as it didn't interfere with his early Mass on 5unday! There was
nothing unusual about being transferred from the Ioung :olk to the
-itler Iouth& and Member Mahlke remained a #olorless unknown
%uantity in the offi#ial youth organization& while in our s#hool& after the
first summer on the barge& his reputation& though neither good nor
bad& be#ame legendary!
There is no doubt that unlike the -itler Iouth our gymnasium
be#ame for you& in the long run& a sour#e of high hopes whi#h no
#ommon gymnasium& with its traditional mi$ture of rigor and good)
fellowship& with its #olored s#hool #aps and its often invoked s#hool
spirit& #ould possibly fulfill!
(What's the matter with himA(
( say he's got a ti#!(
(Maybe it's got something to do with his father's death!(
(*nd what about all that hardware on his ne#kA(
(*nd he's always running off to pray!(
(*nd he don't believe in nothing if you ask me!(
(-ell no& he's too realisti#!(
(*nd what about that thing on his ne#kA(
(Iou ask him& you're the one that si#ked the #at on him! ! !(
We ra#ked our brains and we #ouldn't understand you! "efore
you #ould swim& you were a nobody& who was #alled on now and
then& usually gave #orre#t answers& and was named >oa#him Mahlke!
*nd yet believe that in 5i$th or maybe it was later& #ertainly before
your first attempts at swimming& we sat on the same ben#h= or you
sat behind me or in the same row in the middle se#tion& while sat
behind 5#hilling near the window! 2ater somebody re#olle#ted that
you had worn glasses up to :ifth= never noti#ed them! didn't even
noti#e those eternal la#ed shoes of yours until you had made the
grade with your swimming and begun to wear a shoela#e for high
shoes around your ne#k! Great events were shaking the world ?ust
then& but Mahlke's time re#koning was "efore learning to swim and
*fter learning to swim= for when the war broke out all over the pla#e&
not all at on#e but little by little& first on the Westerplatte& then on the
radio& then in the newspapers& this s#hoolboy who #ould neither swim
nor ride a bi#y#le didn't amount to mu#h= but the mine sweeper of the
Czaika #lass& whi#h was later to provide him with his first #han#e to
perform& was already& if only for a few weeks& playing its military role
in the @itziger Wiek& in the Gulf& and in the fishing port of -ela!
The @olish fleet was small but ambitious! We knew its modern
ships& for the most part built in 6ngland or :ran#e& by heart& and
#ould reel off their guns& tonnage& and speed in knots with never a
mistake& ?ust as we #ould re#ite the names of all talian light #ruisers&
or of all the obsolete "razilian battleships and monitors!
2ater Mahlke took the lead also in this bran#h of knowledge= he
learned to pronoun#e fluently and without hesitation the names of the
>apanese destroyers from the modern Kasumi #lass& built in '8J& to
the slower #raft of the 'sa!ao #lass& modernized in 'L8: ((umizuki,
)atsuki, Yuuzuki, *okaze, Nadakaze, and +ite!(
t didn't take very long to rattle off the units of the @olish fleet!
There were the two destroyers& the B$,skawi#a and the -rom, two
thousand tons& thirty)eight knots& but they de#ommissioned
themselves two days before the outbreak of the war& put into 6nglish
ports& and were in#orporated into the "ritish 4avy! The B$,skawi#a is
still in e$isten#e! 5he has been #onverted into a floating naval
museum in Gdynia and s#hooltea#hers take their #lasses to see it!
The destroyer Burza, fifteen hundred tons& thirty)three knots&
took the same trip to 6ngland! ;f the five @olish submarines& only the
%i$k and& after an adventurous ?ourney without maps or #aptain& the
eleven)hundred)ton +rze$ su##eeded in rea#hing 6nglish ports! The
R,s, ./ik, and )em" allowed themselves to be interned in 5weden!
"y the time the war broke out& the ports of Gdynia& @utzig&
-eisternest& and -ela were bereft of naval vessels e$#ept for an
obsolete former :ren#h #ruiser that served as a training ship and
dormitory& the mine layer -r,&, built in the 4orman do#kyards of 2e
-avre& a heavily armed vessel of two thousand tons& #arrying three
hundred mines! ;therwise there were a lone destroyer& the %i#ker, a
few former German torpedo boats& and the si$ mine sweepers of the
Czaika #lass& whi#h also laid mines! These last had a speed of
eighteen knots= their armament #onsisted of a MN)millimeter forward
gun and four ma#hine guns on revolving mounts= they #arried& so the
offi#ial handbooks say& a #omplement of twenty mines!
*nd one of these one)hundred)and)eighty)five)ton vessels had
been built spe#ially for Mahlke!
The naval battle in the Gulf of Danzig lasted from the first of
5eptember to the se#ond of ;#tober! The s#ore& after the #apitulation
on -ela @eninsula& was as follows: The @olish units -r,&& %i#ker,
Ba$t,k, as well as the three mine sweepers of the Czaika #lass& the
Mewa, the 0asko$ka, and the Cza"$a, had been destroyed by fire and
sunk in their ports= the German destroyer 1e/ere#ht had been
damaged by artillery fire& the mine sweeper M23 ran into a @olish
antisubmarine mine north of -eisternest and lost a third of its #rew!
;nly the remaining& slightly damaged vessels of the Czaika
#lass were #aptured! The .uraw and the Czaika were soon
#ommissioned under the names of +4th5&t and %ester"$atte6 as the
third& the R,/itwa, was being towed from -ela to 4eufahrwasser& it
began to leak& settle& and wait for >oa#him Mahlke= for it was he who
in the following summer raised brass pla%ues on whi#h the name
R,/itwa had been engraved! 2ater& it was said that a @olish offi#er
and a bosun's mate& obliged to man the rudder under German guard&
had flooded the barge in a##ordan#e with the well)known 5#apa :low
re#ipe!
:or some reason or other it sank to one side of the #hannel& not
far from the 4eufahrwasser harbor buoy and& though it lay
#onveniently on one of the many sandbanks& was not salvaged& but
spent the rest of the war right there& with only its bridge& the remains
of its rail& its battered ventilators& and the forward gun mount Gthe gun
itself had been removedH emerging from the water )) a strange sight
at first& but soon a familiar one! t provided you& >oa#him Mahlke& with
a goal in life= ?ust as the battleship -neisenau, whi#h was sunk in
:ebruary 'ON ?ust outside of Gdynia harbor& be#ame a goal for @olish
s#hoolboys= though #an only wonder whether& among the @olish
boys who dove and looted the -neisenau, there was any who took to
the water with the same fanati#ism as Mahlke!
Chapter
III
-e was not a thing of beauty! -e #ould have had his *dam's
apple repaired! @ossibly that pie#e of #artilage was the whole trouble!
"ut it went with the rest of him! "esides& you #an't prove
everything by proportions! *nd as for his soul& it was never introdu#ed
to me! never heard what he thought! n the end& all really had to go
by was his ne#k and its numerous #ounterweights! t is true that he
took enormous bundles of margarine sandwi#hes to s#hool and to the
bea#h with him and would devour %uantities of them ?ust before going
into the water! "ut this #an only be taken as one more reminder of his
mouse& for the mouse #hewed insatiably!
There were also his devotions at the altar of the 3irgin! -e took
no parti#ular interest in the .ru#ified ;ne! t stru#k me that though
the bobbing on his ne#k did not #ease when he ?oined his fingertips in
prayer& he swallowed in slow motion on these o##asions and
#ontrived& by arranging his hands in an e$aggeratedly stylized pose&
to distra#t attention from that elevator above his shut #ollar and his
pendants on strings& shoela#es& and #hains )) whi#h never stopped
running!
*part from the 3irgin he didn't have mu#h tru#k with girls!
Maybe if he had had a sisterA My girl #ousins weren't mu#h use to
him either! -is relations with Tulla @okriefke don't #ount& they were an
anomaly and would not have been bad as a #ir#us a#t )) remember&
he was planning to be#ome a #lown )) for Tulla& a spindly little thing
with legs like toothpi#ks& might ?ust as well have been a boy! n any
#ase& this s#rawny girl #hild& who swam along with us when she felt
like it during our se#ond summer on the barge& was never the least
embarrassed when we de#ided to give our swimming trunks a rest
and sprawled naked on the rusty bridge& with very little idea what to
do with ourselves!
Iou #an draw a good likeness of Tulla's fa#e with the most
familiar pun#tuation marks! The way she glided through the water&
she might have had webs between her toes! *lways& even on the
barge& despite seaweed& gulls& and the sour smell of the rust& she
stank of #arpenter's glue& be#ause her father worked with glue in her
un#le's #arpenter's shop! 5he was all skin& bones& and #uriosity!
.almly& her #hin in the #up of her hand& Tulla would look on when
Winter or 6s#h& unable to #ontain himself& produ#ed his modest
offering! -un#hing over so that the bones of her spine stu#k out& she
would gaze at Winter& who was always slow in getting there& and
mutter: (Man& that's taking a long timeD(
"ut when& finally& the stuff #ame and splashed on the rust& she
would begin to fidget and s%uirm& she would throw herself down on
her belly& make little rat's eyes and look and look& trying to dis#over
heaven)knows)what& turn over& sit up& rise to her knees and her feet&
stand slightly kno#k)kneed over the mess& and begin to stir it with a
supple big toe& until it foamed rust)red: ("oyD That's the berriesD 4ow
you do it& *tze!(
Tulla never wearied of this little game )) yes& game& the whole
thing was all perfe#tly inno#ent! (*w& you do it&( she would plead in
that whining voi#e of hers! (Who hasn't done it yetA t's your turn!(
5he always found some good)natured fool who would get to
work even if he wasn't at all in the mood& ?ust to give her something to
goggle at! The only one who wouldn't give until Tulla found the right
words of en#ouragement )) and that is why am narrating these
heroi# deeds )) was the great swimmer and diver >oa#him Mahlke!
While all the rest of us were engaging in this time)honored& nay
"ibli#al& pursuit& either one at a time or )) as the manual puts it )) with
others& Mahlke kept his trunks on and gazed fi$edly in the dire#tion of
-ela! We felt #ertain that at home& in his room between snowy owl
and 5istine Madonna& he indulged in the same sport
-e had ?ust #ome up& shivering as usual& and he had nothing to
show! 5#hilling had ?ust been working for Tulla! * #oaster was
entering the harbor under its own power! (Do it again&( Tulla begged&
for 5#hilling was the most prolifi# of all! 4ot a single ship in the
roadstead! (4ot after swimming! 'll do it again tomorrow&( 5#hilling
#onsoled her! Tulla turned on her heel and stood with outspread toes
fa#ing Mahlke& who as usual was shivering in the shadow of the
pilothouse and hadn't sat down yet! * high)seas tug with a forward
gun was putting out to sea!
(Won't youA *w& do it ?ust on#e! ;r #an't youA Don't you want
toA ;r aren't you allowed toA(
Mahlke stepped half out of the shadow and slapped Tulla's
#ompressed little fa#e left right with his palm and the ba#k of his
hand! -is mouse went wild! 5o did the s#rewdriver! Tulla& of #ourse&
didn't shed one single tear& but gave a bleating laugh with her mouth
#losed= shaking with laughter& she ar#hed her india)rubber frame
effortlessly into a bridge& and peered through her spindly legs at
Mahlke until he )) he was ba#k in the shade again and the tug was
veering off to northwestward )) said: (;C! >ust so you'll shut your
yap!(
Tulla #ame out of her #ontortion and s%uatted down normally
with her legs folded under her& as Mahlke stripped his trunks down to
his knees! The #hildren at the @un#h)and)>udy show gaped in
amazement: a few deft movements emanating from his right wrist&
and his pe#ker loomed so large that the tip emerged from the shadow
of the pilothouse and the sun fell on it! ;nly when we had all formed
a semi#ir#le did Mahlke's ?umping >im return to the shadow!
(Won't you let me ?ust for a se#ondA( Tulla's mouth hung open!
Mahlke nodded and dropped his right hand& though without un#urving
his fingers! Tulla's hands& s#rat#hed and bruised as they always
were& approa#hed the monster& whi#h e$panded under her
%uestioning fingertips= the veins stood out and the glans protruded!
(Measure itD( #ried >rgen Cupka! Tulla spread the fingers of
her left hand! ;ne full span and another almost! 5omebody and then
somebody else whispered: (*t least twelve in#hesD( That was an
e$aggeration of #ourse! 5#hilling& who otherwise had the longest& had
to take his out& make it stand up& and hold it beside Mahlke's:
Mahlke's was first of all a size thi#ker& se#ond a mat#hbo$ longer& and
third looked mu#h more grownup& dangerous& and worthy to be
worshiped!
-e had shown us again& and then a se#ond time he showed us
by produ#ing not one but two mighty streams in %ui#k su##ession!
With his knees not %uite together& Mahlke stood by the twisted rail
beside the pilothouse& staring out in the dire#tion of the harbor buoy&
a little to the rear of the low)lying smoke of the vanishing high)seas
tug= a torpedo boat of the -u$$ #lass was ?ust emerging from the
harbor& but he didn't let it distra#t him! Thus he stood& showing his
profile& from the toes e$tending ?ust over the edge to the watershed in
the middle of his hair: strangely enough& the length of his se$ual part
made up for the otherwise sho#king protuberan#e of his *dam's
apple& lending his body an odd& but in its way perfe#t& harmony!
4o sooner had Mahlke finished s%uirting the first load over the
rail than he started in all over again! Winter timed him with his
waterproof wrist wat#h= Mahlke's performan#e #ontinued for
appro$imately as many se#onds as it took the torpedo boat to pass
from the tip of the breakwater to the buoy= then& while the torpedo
boat was rounding the buoy& he unloaded the same amount again=
the foaming bubbles lur#hed in the smooth& only o##asionally rippling
swell& and we laughed for ?oy as the gulls swooped down& s#reaming
for more!
>oa#him Mahlke was never obliged to repeat or better this
performan#e& for none of us ever tou#hed his re#ord& #ertainly not
when e$hausted from swimming and diving= sportsmen in everything
we did& we respe#ted the rules!
:or a while Tulla @okriefke& for whom his prowess must have
had the most dire#t appeal& #ourted him in her way= she would always
be sitting by the pilothouse& staring at Mahlke's swimming trunks! *
few times she pleaded with him& but he always refused& though good)
naturedly!
(Do you have to #onfess these thingsA(
Mahlke nodded& and played with his dangling s#rewdriver to
divert her gaze!
(Will you take me down sometimeA "y myself 'm s#ared! bet
there's still a stiff down there!(
:or edu#ational purposes& no doubt& Mahlke took Tulla down
into the fo'#'sle! -e kept her under mu#h too long! When they #ame
up& she had turned a grayish yellow and sagged in his arms! We had
to stand her light& #urveless body on its head!
*fter that Tulla @okriefke didn't ?oin us very often and& though
she was more regular than other girls of her age& she got in#reasingly
on our nerves with her drivel about the dead sailor in the barge! 5he
was always going on about him! (The one that brings him up&( she
promised& (#an you)know)what!(
t is perfe#tly possible that without admitting it to ourselves we
all sear#hed& Mahlke in the engine room& the rest of us in the fo'#'sle&
for a half)de#omposed @olish sailor= not be#ause we really wanted to
lay this unfinished little number& but ?ust so!
Iet even Mahlke found nothing e$#ept for a few half)rotted
pie#es of #lothing& from whi#h fishes darted until the gulls saw that
something was stirring and began to say gra#e!
4o& he didn't set mu#h store by Tulla& though they say there
was something between them later! -e didn't go for girls& not even for
5#hilling's sister! *nd all my #ousins from "erlin got out of him was a
fishy stare! f he had any tender feelings at all& it was for boys= by
whi#h don't mean to suggest that Mahlke was %ueer= in those years
spent between the bea#h and the sunken barge& we none of us knew
e$a#tly whether we were male or female! Though later there may
have been rumors and tangible eviden#e to the #ontrary& the fa#t is
that the only woman Mahlke #ared about was the .atholi# 3irgin
Mary! t was for her sake alone that he dragged everything that #an
be worn and displayed on the human ne#k to 5t! Mary's .hapel!
Whatever he did& from diving to his subse%uent military
a##omplishments& was done for her or else )) yes& know& 'm
#ontradi#ting myself again )) to distra#t attention from his *dam's
apple! *nd perhaps& in addition to 3irgin and mouse& there was yet a
third motive: ;ur s#hool& that musty edifi#e that defied ventilation&
and parti#ularly the auditorium& meant a great deal to >oa#him
Mahlke= it was the s#hool that drove you& later on& to your supreme
effort!
*nd now it is time to say something about Mahlke's fa#e! * few
of us have survived the war= we live in small small towns and large
small towns& we've gained weight and lost hair& and we more or less
earn our living! saw 5#hilling in Duisburg and >rgen Cupka in
"rauns#hweig shortly before he emigrated to .anada! "oth of them
started right in about the *dam's apple! (Man& wasn't that something
he had on his ne#kD *nd remember that time with the #at! Wasn't it
you that si#ked the #at on him! ! !( and had to interrupt: (That's not
what 'm after= it's his fa#e 'm interested in!(
We agreed as a starter that he had gray or gray)blue eyes&
bright but not shining& anyway that they were not brown! The fa#e thin
and rather elongated& mus#ular around the #heekbones! The nose
not strikingly large& but fleshy& %ui#kly reddening in #old weather! -is
overhanging o##iput has already been mentioned! We had diffi#ulty in
#oming to an agreement about Mahlke's upper lip! >rgen Cupka was
of my opinion that it #urled up and never wholly #overed his two
upper in#isors& whi#h in turn were not verti#al but stu#k out like tusks
)) e$#ept of #ourse when he was diving! "ut then we began to have
our doubts= we remembered that the little @okriefke girl also had a
#urled)up lip and always visible in#isors! n the end we weren't sure
whether we hadn't mi$ed up Mahlke and Tulla& though ?ust in
#onne#tion with the upper lip! Maybe it was only she whose lip was
that way& for hers was& that mu#h is #ertain! n Duisburg 5#hilling ))
we met in the station restaurant& be#ause his wife had some
ob?e#tion to unannoun#ed visitors )) reminded me of the #ari#ature
that had #reated an uproar in our #lass for several days! n 'O/ think
it was& a big& tall #hara#ter turned up in our #lass& who had been
eva#uated from 2atvia with his family! n spite of his #ra#ked voi#e& he
was a fluent talker= an aristo#rat& always fashionably dressed& knew
Greek& le#tured like a book& his father was a baron& wore a fur #ap in
the winter& what was his nameA )) well& anyway& his first name was
Carel! *nd he #ould draw& very %ui#kly& with or without models:
sleighs surrounded by wolves& drunken .ossa#ks& >ews suggesting
Der )t7rmer, naked girls riding on lions& in general lots of naked girls
with long por#elainlike legs& but never smutty& "olsheviks devouring
babies& -itler disguised as .harlemagne& ra#ing #ars driven by ladies
with long flowing s#arves= and he was espe#ially #lever at drawing
#ari#atures of his tea#hers or fellow students with pen& brush& or
#rayon on every available s#rap of paper or with #halk on the
bla#kboard= well& he didn't do Mahlke on paper& but with rasping #halk
on the bla#kboard!
-e drew him full fa#e! *t that time Mahlke already had his
ridi#ulous part in the middle& fi$ated with sugar water! -e represented
the fa#e as a triangle with one #orner at the #hin! The mouth was
pu#kered and peevish! 4o tra#e of any visible in#isors that might
have been mistaken for tusks! The eyes& pier#ing points under
sorrowfully uplifted eyebrows! The ne#k sinuous& half in profile& with a
monstrous *dam's apple! *nd behind the head and sorrowful features
a halo: a perfe#t likeness of Mahlke the Redeemer! The effe#t was
immediate!
We snorted and whinnied on our ben#hes and only re#overed
our senses when someone hauled off at the handsome Carel 5o)and)
5o& first with his bare fist& then& ?ust before we managed to separate
them& with a steel s#rewdriver!
t was who sponged your Redeemer's #ountenan#e off the
bla#kboard!
Chapter
I#
With and without irony: maybe you wouldn't have be#ome a
#lown but some sort of #reator of fashions= for it was Mahlke who
during the winter after the se#ond summer on the barge #reated the
pompoms: two little woolen spheres the size of ping)pong balls& in
solid or mi$ed #olors& atta#hed to a plaited woolen #ord that was worn
under the #ollar like a ne#ktie and tied into a bow so that the two
pompoms hung at an angle& more or less like a bow tie! have
#he#ked and am able to state authoritatively that beginning in the
third winter of the war& the pompoms #ame to be worn almost all over
Germany& but mostly in northern and eastern Germany& parti#ularly by
high)s#hool students! t was Mahlke who introdu#ed them to our
s#hool! -e might have invented them! *nd maybe he a#tually did! -e
had several pair made a##ording to his spe#ifi#ations by his *unt
5usi& mostly out of the frayed yarn unraveled from his dead father's
mu#h)darned so#ks! Then he wore the first pair to s#hool and they
were very very #onspi#uous on his ne#k!
Ten days later they were in the dry)goods stores& at first in
#ardboard bo$es bashfully tu#ked away by the #ash register& but
soon attra#tively displayed in the show#ases! *n important fa#tor in
their su##ess was that they #ould be had without #oupons! :rom
2angfuhr they spread triumphantly through eastern and northern
Germany= they were worn )) have witnesses to bear me out )) even
in 2eipzig& in @irna& and months later& after Mahlke had dis#arded his
own& a few isolated pairs made their appearan#e as far west as the
Rhineland and the @alatinate! remember the e$a#t day when
Mahlke removed his invention from his ne#k and will speak of it in
due time!
We wore the pompoms for several months& toward the end as a
protest& after Dr! Clohse& our prin#ipal& had branded this arti#le of
apparel as effeminate and unworthy of a German young man& and
forbidden us to wear pompoms inside the s#hool building or even in
the re#reation yard! Clohse's order was read in all the #lassrooms&
but there were many who #omplied only during a#tual #lasses! The
pompoms remind me of @apa "runies& a pensioned tea#her who had
been re#alled to his post during the war= he was delighted with the
merry little things= on#e or twi#e& after Mahlke had given them up& he
even tied a pair of them around his own stand)up #ollar& and thus
attired de#laimed 6i#hendorff: (Weathered gables& lofty windows! ! !(
or maybe it was something else& but in any #ase it was 6i#hendorff&
his favorite poet! ;swald "runies had a sweet tooth and later&
ostensibly be#ause he had eaten some vitamin tablets that were
supposed to be distributed among the students& but probably for
politi#al reasons )) "runies was a :reemason )) he was arrested at
s#hool! 5ome of the students were %uestioned! hope didn't testify
against him! -is adoptive daughter& a doll)like #reature who took
ballet lessons& wore mourning in publi#= they took him to 5tutthof& and
there he stayed )) a dismal& #ompli#ated story& whi#h deserves to be
written& but somewhere else& not by me& and #ertainly not in
#onne#tion with Mahlke!
2et's get ba#k to the pompoms! ;f #ourse Mahlke had invented
them to make things easier for his *dam's apple! :or a time they
%uieted the unruly ?umping ?a#k& but when the pompoms #ame into
style all over the pla#e& even in 5i$th& they #eased to attra#t attention
on their inventor's ne#k! #an still see Mahlke during the winter of 'OL
)) whi#h must have been hard for him be#ause diving was out and the
pompoms had lost their effi#a#y )) always in monumental solitude&
striding in his high& bla#k la#ed shoes& down ;sterzeile and up
"Erenweg to 5t! Mary's .hapel& over #run#hing #inder)strewn snow!
-atless! 6ars red& brittle& and prominent! -air stiff with sugar water
and frost& parted in the middle from #rown to forehead! "rows knitted
in anguish! -orror)stri#ken& watery)blue eyes that see more than is
there! Turned)up #oat #ollar! The #oat had also #ome down to him
from his late father! * gray woolen s#arf& #rossed under his tapering
to s#rawny #hin& was held in pla#e& as #ould be seen from a distan#e&
by a safety pin! 6very twenty pa#es his right hand rises from his #oat
po#ket to feel whether his s#arf is still in pla#e& properly prote#ting his
ne#k )) have seen #lowns& .ro#k in the #ir#us& .harlie .haplin in the
movies& working with the same giganti# safety pin! Mahlke is
pra#ti#ing: men& women& soldiers on furlough& #hildren& singly and in
groups& grow toward him over the snow! Their breath& Mahlke's too&
puffs up white from their mouths and vanishes over their shoulders!
*nd the eyes of all who approa#h him are fo#used& Mahlke is
probably thinking& on that #omi#al& very #omi#al& e$#ru#iatingly
#omi#al safety pin!
n the same dry& hard winter arranged an e$pedition over the
frozen sea to the i#e)bound mine sweeper with my two girl #ousins&
who had #ome from "erlin for .hristmas va#ation& and 5#hilling to
make things #ome out even! The girls were pretty& sleek& tousled
blonde& and spoiled from living in "erlin! We thought we would show
off some and impress them with our barge! The girls were awfully
ladylike in the street#ar and even on the bea#h& but out there we
were hoping to do something really wild with them& we didn't know
what! Mahlke ruined our afternoon! n opening up the harbor #hannel&
the i#ebreakers had pushed great boulders of i#e toward the barge=
?ammed together& they piled up into a fissured wall& whi#h sang as the
wind blew over it and hid part of the barge from view! We #aught sight
of Mahlke only when we had mounted the i#e barrier& whi#h was
about as tall as we were& and had pulled the girls up after us! The
bridge& the pilothouse& the ventilators aft of the bridge& and whatever
else had remained above water formed a single #hunk of glazed&
bluish)white #andy& li#ked ineffe#tually by a #ongealed sun! 4o gulls!
They were farther out& over the garbage of some i#e)bound freighters
in the roadstead!
;f #ourse Mahlke had turned up his #oat #ollar and tied his
s#arf& with the safety pin out in front& under his #hin! 4o hat& but
round& bla#k ear muffs& su#h as those worn by garbage men and the
drivers of brewery tru#ks& #overed his otherwise protruding ears&
?oined by a strip of metal at right angles to the part in his hair!
-e was so hard at work on the sheet of i#e over the bow that he
didn't noti#e us= he even seemed to be keeping warm! -e was trying
with a small a$ to #ut through the i#e at a point whi#h he presumed to
be dire#tly over the open forward hat#h! With %ui#k short strokes he
was making a #ir#ular groove& about the size of a manhole #over!
5#hilling and ?umped from the wall& #aught the girls& and introdu#ed
them to him! 4o gloves to take off= he merely shifted the a$ to his left
hand! 6a#h of us in turn re#eived a pri#kly)hot right hand& and a
moment later he was #hopping again! "oth girls had their mouths
slightly open! 2ittle teeth grew #old! :rosty breath beat against their
s#arves and frosty)eyed they stared at his i#e)#utting operations!
5#hilling and were through! "ut though furious with him& we began
to tell about his summertime a##omplishments as a diver: (Metal
plates& absolutely& and a fire e$tinguisher& and tin #ans& he opened
them right up and guess what was in them )) human fleshD *nd when
he brought up the phonograph somethmg #ame #rawling out of it&
and one time he! ! !( The girls didn't %uite follow& they asked stupid
%uestions& and addressed Mahlke as Mister! -e kept right on
ha#king! -e shook his head and ear muffs as we shouted his diving
prowess over the i#e& but never forgot to feel for his muffler and
safety pin with his free hand! When we #ould think of nothing more to
say and were ?ust standing there shivering& he would stop for a
moment every twenty strokes or so& though without ever standing up
%uite straight& and fill the pause with simple& modest e$planations!
6mbarrassed& but at the same time self)assured& he dwelt on his
lesser e$ploits and passed over the more daring feats& speaking
more of his work than of adventures in the moist interior of the
sunken mine sweeper! n the meantime he drove his groove deeper
and deeper into the i#e! wouldn't say that my #ousins were e$a#tly
fas#inated by Mahlke= no& he wasn't witty enough for that and his
#hoi#e of words was too #ommonpla#e! "esides& su#h little ladies
would never have gone all out for anybody wearing bla#k ear muffs
like a granddaddy! 4evertheless& we were through! -e turned us into
shivering little boys with running noses& standing there definitely on
the edge of things= and even on the way ba#k the girls treated us with
#ondes#ension!
Mahlke stayed on= he wanted to finish #utting his hole& to prove
to himself that he had #orre#tly figured the spot over the hat#h! -e
didn't ask us to wait till he had finished& but he did delay our
departure for a good five minutes when we were already on top of the
wall& by dispensing a series of words in an undertone& not at us& more
in the dire#tion of the i#e)bound freighters in the roadstead!
5till #hopping& he asked us to help him! ;r was it an order&
politely spokenA n any #ase he wanted us to make water in the
wedge)shaped groove& so as to melt or at least soften the i#e with
warm urine! "efore 5#hilling or #ould say: (4o di#e&( or (We ?ust
did&( my little #ousins piped up ?oyfully: (;h yes& we'd love to! "ut you
must turn your ba#ks& and you too& Mr! Mahlke!(
*fter Mahlke had e$plained where they should s%uat )) the
whole stream& he said& has to fall in the same pla#e or it won't do any
good )) he #limbed up on the wall and turned toward the bea#h! While
amid whispering and tittering the sprinkler duet went on behind us&
we #on#entrated on the swarms of bla#k ants near "rBsen and on the
i#y pier! The seventeen poplars on the "ea#h @romenade were
#oated with sugar! The golden globe at the tip of the 5oldiers'
Monument& an obelisk towering over "rBsen @ark& blinked at us
e$#itedly! 5unday all over!
When the girls' ski pants had been pulled up again and we
stood around the groove with the tips of our shoes& the #ir#le was still
steaming& espe#ially in the two pla#es where Mahlke had #ut #rosses
with his a$! The water stood pale yellow in the dit#h and seeped
away with a #ra#kling sound! The edges of the groove were tinged a
golden green! The i#e sang plaintively! * pungent smell persisted
be#ause there were no other smells to #ountera#t it& growing stronger
as Mahlke #hopped some more at the groove and s#raped away
about as mu#h slush as a #ommon bu#ket might have held!
6spe#ially in the two marked spots& he su##eeded in drilling shafts& in
gaining depth!
The soft i#e was piled up to one side and began at on#e to
#rust over in the #old! Then he marked two new pla#es! When the
girls had turned away& we unbuttoned and helped Mahlke by thawing
an)in#h or two more of the i#e and boring two fresh holes! "ut they
were still not deep enough! -e himself did not pass water& and we
didn't ask him to= on the #ontrary we were afraid the girls might try to
en#ourage him!
*s soon as we had finished and before my #ousins #ould say a
word& Mahlke sent us away! We looked ba#k from the wall= he had
pushed tip muffler and safety pin over his #hin and nose= his ne#k
was still #overed but now his pompoms& white sprinkled red& were
taking the air between muffler and #oat #ollar! -e was ha#king again
at his groove& whi#h was whispering something or other about the
girls and us )) a bowed form barely dis#ernible through floating veils
of sun)stirred laundry steam!
;n the way ba#k to "rBsen& the #onversation was all about him!
*lternately or both at on#e& my #ousins asked %uestions! We didn't
always have the answer! "ut when the younger one wanted to know
why Mahlke wore his muffler so high up and the other one started in
on the muffler too& 5#hilling seized on the opportunity and des#ribed
Mahlke's *dam's apple& giving it all the %ualities of a goiter! -e made
e$aggerated swallowing motions& imitated Mahlke #hewing& took off
his ski #ap& gave his hair a kind of part in the middle with his fingers&
and finally su##eeded in making the girls laugh at Mahlke= they even
said he was an odd)ball and not %uite right in the head!
"ut despite this little triumph at your e$pense )) put in my two
#ents' worth too& mimi#king your relations with the 3irgin Mary )) we
made no headway with my #ousins beyond the usual ne#king in the
movies! *nd a week later they returned to "erlin!
-ere am bound to report that the following day rode out to
"rBsen bright and early= ran a#ross the i#e through a dense #oastal
fog& almost missing the barge& and found the hole over the fo'#'sle
#ompleted! During the night a fresh #rust of i#e had formed= with
#onsiderable diffi#ulty& broke through it with the heel of my shoe and
an iron)tipped #ane belonging to my father& whi#h had brought along
for that very purpose! Then poked the #ane around through the
#ra#ked i#e in the gray)bla#k hole! t disappeared almost to the
handle& water splashed my glove= and then the tip stru#k the de#k&
no& not the de#k& it ?utted into empty spa#e! t was only when moved
the #ane sideways along the edge of the hole that it met resistan#e!
*nd passed iron over iron: the hole was dire#tly over the open
forward hat#h! 6$a#tly like one plate under another in a pile of plates&
the hat#h was right under the hole in the i#e )) well& no& that's an
e$aggeration& not e4a#t$,, there's no su#h thing: either the hat#h was
a little bigger or the hole was a little bigger= but the fit was pretty
good& and my pride in >oa#him Mahlke was as sweet as #ho#olate
#reams! 'd have liked to give you my wrist wat#h!
stayed there a good ten minutes= sat on the #ir#ular mound
of i#e )) it must have been all of eighteen in#hes high! The lower third
was marked with a pale)yellow ring of urine from the day before! t
had been our privilege to help him! "ut even without our help Mahlke
would have finished his hole! Was it possible that he #ould manage
without an audien#eA Were there shows he put on only for himselfA
:or not even the gulls would have admired your hole in the i#e over
the forward hat#h& if hadn't gone out there to admire you!
-e always had an audien#e! When say that always& even
while #utting his #ir#ular groove over the i#e)bound barge& he had the
3irgin Mary behind or before him& that she looked with enthusiasm
upon his little a$& the .hur#h shouldn't really ob?e#t= but even if the
.hur#h refuses to put up with the idea of a 3irgin Mary forever
engaged in admiring Mahlke's e$ploits& the fa#t remains that she
always wat#hed him attentively: know! :or was an altar boy& first
under :ather Wiehnke at the .hur#h of the 5a#red -eart& then under
Gusewski at 5t! Mary's .hapel! kept on assisting him at Mass long
after had lost my faith in the magi# of the altar& a pro#ess whi#h
appro$imately #oin#ided with my growing up! The #omings and
goings amused me! took pains too! didn't shuffle like most altar
boys! The truth is& was never sure& and to this day am not sure&
whether there might not after all be something behind or in front of
the altar or in the taberna#le! ! ! *t any rate :ather Gusewski was
always glad to have me as one of his two altar boys& be#ause never
swapped #igarette pi#tures between offering and #onse#ration& never
rang the bells too loud or too long& or made a business of selling the
sa#ramental wine! :or altar boys are holy terrors: not only do they
spread out the usual ?uvenile trinkets on the altar steps= not only do
they lay bets& payable in #oins or worn)out ball bearings )) ;h no!
6ven during the gradual prayers they dis#uss the te#hni#al details of
the world's warships& sunk or afloat& and substitute snat#hes of su#h
lore for the words of the Mass& or smuggle them in between 2atin and
2atin: "8ntroi/o ad a$tare Dei )) 5ay& when was the #ruiser 9ritrea
laun#hedA )) Thirty)si$! 5pe#ial featuresA )) 'd Deum, :ui $aeti&i#at
;uventutem meam )) ;nly talian #ruiser in 6ast *fri#an waters!
Displa#ementA )) Deus &ortitudo mea )) Twenty)one hundred and
seventy)two tons! 5peedA )) 9t introi/o ad a$tare Dei )) 5ear#h me!
*rmamentA )) )i#ut erat in "rin#i"io )) 5i$ hundred)and)fifty)millimeter
guns& four seventy)fives! ! ! WrongD )) et nun# et sem"er )) 4o& it's
right! 4ames of the German artillery training shipsA )) et in sae#u$a
sae#u$orum, 'men.)) Brummer and Bremse!(
2ater on stopped serving regularly at 5t! Mary's and #ame only
when Gusewski sent for me be#ause his boys were busy with
5unday hikes or #olle#ting funds for Winter *id!
'm telling you all this only to e$plain my presen#e at the main
altar& for from there was able to observe Mahlke as he knelt at the
altar of the 3irgin! My& how he #ould prayD That #alflike look! -is eyes
would grow steadily glassier! -is mouth peevish& perpetually moving
without pun#tuation! :ishes tossed up on the bea#h gasp for air with
the same regularity! shall try to give you an idea of how relentlessly
Mahlke #ould pray! :ather Gusewski was distributing #ommunion!
When he #ame to Mahlke& who always& seen from the altar& knelt at
the outer left& this parti#ular kneeler was one who had forgotten all
#aution& allowing his muffler and giganti# safety pin to shift for
themselves& whose eyes had #ongealed& whose head and parted hair
were tilted ba#kward& who allowed his tongue to hang out& and who&
in this attitude& left an agitated mouse so e$posed and defenseless
that might have #aught it in my hand! "ut perhaps >oa#him Mahlke
realized that his #ynosure was #onvulsed and e$posed! @erhaps he
intentionally a##entuated its frenzy with e$aggerated swallowing& in
order to attra#t the glass eyes of the 3irgin standing to one side of
him= for #annot and will not believe that you ever did anything
whatsoever without an audien#e!
Chapter
#
never saw him with pompoms at 5t! Mary's .hapel! *lthough
the style was ?ust beginning to take hold& he wore them less and less!
5ometimes when three of us were standing in the re#reation yard&
always under the same #hestnut tree& all talking at on#e over our
woolen doodads& Mahlke removed his pompoms from his ne#k= then&
after the se#ond bell had rung& he would tie them on again&
irresolutely& for la#k of a better #ounterweight!
When for the first time a graduate of our s#hool returned from
the front& a spe#ial bell signal #alled us to the auditorium though
#lasses were still in progress! ;n the return ?ourney he had stopped
briefly at the :hrer's -ead%uarters& and now he had the #oveted
lozenge on his ne#k! -e stood& not behind but beside the old)brown
pulpit& at the end of the hall& against a ba#kground of three tall
windows& a row of potted leafy plants& and the fa#ulty gathered in a
semi#ir#le! 2ozenge on ne#k& red rosebud mouth& he pro?e#ted his
voi#e into the spa#e over our heads and made little e$planatory
gestures! Mahlke was sitting in the row ahead of me and 5#hilling!
saw his ears turn a flaming transparent red= he leaned ba#k stiffly&
and saw him& left right& fiddling with something on his ne#k& tugging&
gagging& and at length tossing something under his ben#h: something
woolen& pompoms& a green and red mi$ture think they were! The
young fellow& a lieutenant in the *ir :or#e& started off hesitantly and
rather too softly& with an appealing awkwardness= he even blushed
on#e or twi#e& though there was nothing in what he was saying to
warrant it: (! ! !well& boys& don't get the idea that life in the *ir :or#e is
like a rabbit hunt& all a#tion and never a dull moment! 5ometimes
nothing happens for whole weeks! "ut when they sent us to the
.hannel& says to myself& if things don't start popping now& they
never will! *nd was right! ;n the very first mission a formation with a
fighter es#ort #ame straight at us& and believe me& it was some
merry)go)round! n and out of the #louds& winding and #ir#ling the
whole time! try to gain altitude& down below me there's three
5pitfires #ir#ling& trying to hide in the #louds! says to myself& it's ?ust
too bad if #an't! ! ! dive& 've got him in my sights& bam& he's trailing
smoke! >ust time to turn over on my left wing tip when there's a
se#ond 5pitfire #oming toward me in my sights& go straight for his
nose& it's him or me= well& as you #an see& it's him that went into the
drink& and says to myself& as long as you've got two& why not try the
third and so on& as long as your gas holds out! 5o see seven of
them down below me& they've broken formation and they're trying to
get away! pi#k out one of them& 've got a good sun well in ba#k of
me! -e gets his& repeat the number& turns out ;C& pull ba#k the
sti#k as far as shell go& and there's the third in my line of fire: he goes
into a spin& must have got him& instin#tively trail him& lose him&
#louds& got him again& give another burst& he drops into the pond& but
so do pretty near= honestly #an't tell you how got my #rate
upstairs again! *nyway& when #ome home flapping my wings )) as
you probably know& you must have seen it in the newsreels& we #ome
in flapping our wings if we've bagged anything )) #an't get the
landing gear down! >ammed! 5o had to make my first #rash landing!
2ater in the offi#ers' #lub they tell me 've been marked up for a
#ertain si$& it's news to me= as you #an imagine& 'd been too e$#ited
to #ount! was mighty happy& but about four o'#lo#k we've got to go
up again! Well& to make a long story short& it was pretty mu#h the
same as in the old days when we played handball in our good old
re#reation yard )) '#ause the stadium hadn't been built yet! Maybe Mr!
Mallenbrandt remembers: either didn't shoot a single goal or 'd
shoot nine in a row= that's how it was that day: si$ that morning and
three more in the afternoon! That was my ninth to seventeenth= but it
wasn't until a good si$ months later& when had my full forty& that
was #ommended by our .;& and by the time was de#orated at the
:hrer's -ead%uarters had forty)four under my belt= '#ause we guys
up at the .hannel ?ust about lived in our #rates! The ground #rews
got relieved& not us! There were some that #ouldn't take it! Well& now
'll tell you something funny for relief! n every airfield there's a
s%uadron dog! ;ne day it was beautiful weather and we de#ided to
take *le$& our dog! ! !(
5u#h& appro$imately& were the words of the gloriously
de#orated lieutenant! n between two air battles& as an interlude& he
told the story of *le$& the s%uadron dog& who had been #ompelled to
learn para#hute ?umping! There was also the little ane#dote about the
#orporal who was always too slow in getting up when the alert was
sounded and was obliged to fly several missions in his pa?amas!
The lieutenant laughed with his audien#e= even the graduating
#lass laughed& and some of the tea#hers indulged in a #hu#kle! -e
had graduated from our s#hool in '88 and was shot down over the
Ruhr in 'O8! -is hair was dark brown& imparted& #ombed rigorously
ba#k= he wasn't very big& looked rather like a dapper little waiter in a
night #lub! While speaking he kept one hand in his po#ket& but took it
out whenever he needed two hands to illustrate an air battle with! -is
use of his outspread palms was subtle and masterful= with a twist of
his shoulders& he #ould make you see his plane banking as it #ir#led
in %uest of vi#tims& and he had no need of long& e$planatory
senten#es! -is #hopped phrases were more like #ues for his
pantomime! *t the height of his a#t he roared out engine noises or
stuttered when an engine was in trouble! t was safe to assume that
he had pra#ti#ed his number at his airfield offi#ers' #lub& espe#ially as
the term (offi#ers' #lub( kept #ropping up in his narrative: (We were
sitting pea#efully in the offi#ers' #lub! ! ! was ?ust heading for the
offi#ers' #lub '#ause wanted to! ! ! n our offi#ers' #lub there's a! ! !(
"ut even aside from his mime's hands and his realisti# sound effe#ts&
he knew how to appeal to his audien#e= he managed& for instan#e& to
get in a few #ra#ks at some of our tea#hers& who still had the same
ni#knames as in his day! "ut he was always pleasant& full of harmless
mis#hief! *nd no boaster! -e never #laimed #redit for the diffi#ult
things he had done& but put everything down to his lu#k: ('ve always
been lu#ky& even in s#hool& when think of some of my report #ards! !
!( *nd in the middle of a s#hoolboy's ?oke he suddenly remembered
three of his former #lassmates who& as he said& shall not have died in
vain! -e #on#luded his talk not with the names of the three dead
#omrades& but with this naPve& heartfelt admission: ("oys& let me tell
you this: every last one of us who's out there fighting likes to think
ba#k on his s#hool days and& believe me& we often do!(
We #lapped& roared& and stamped at great length! ;nly when
my hands were hot and burning did observe that Mahlke was
holding ba#k and #ontributing no applause!
<p front Dr! Clohse shook both his former student's hands
demonstratively as long as the applause went on! Then& after
gripping the frail figure for a moment by the shoulders& he turned
abruptly away& and took up his stan#e behind the pulpit& while the
lieutenant %ui#kly sat down!
The prin#ipal's spee#h went on and on! "oredom spread from
the lush green plants to the oil painting on the rear wall of the
auditorium& a portrait of "aron von .onradi& the founder of our s#hool!
6ven the lieutenant& a slender figure between "runies and
Mallenbrandt& kept looking at his fingernails! n this lofty hall Clohse's
#ool peppermint breath& whi#h suffused all his mathemati#s #lasses&
substituting for the odor of pure s#ien#e& wasn't mu#h of a help! :rom
up front his words barely #arried to the middle of the auditorium:
(Thosewho#omeafterus )) *ndinthishour )) whenthetravelerreturns ))
butthistimethehomeland )) andletusnever )) pureofheart ))
assaidbefore )) pureofheart )) andifanyonedisagreeslet ))
andinthishour )) keep#lean )) to#on#ludewiththewordsof5#hiller ))
ifyourlifeyoudonotstake )) thelaurelneverwillyoutake ))
*ndnowba#ktoworkD(
Dismissed& we formed two #lusters at the narrow e$its! pushed
in behind Mahlke! -e was sweating and his sugar)water hair stood up
in sti#ky blades around his ravaged part! 4ever& not even in gym& had
seen Mahlke perspire! The sten#h of three hundred s#hoolboys
stu#k like #orks in the e$its! "eads of sweat stood out on Mahlke's
flushed an$iety #ords& those two bundles of sinew running from the
seventh vertebra of his ne#k to the base of his ?utting o##iput! n the
#olonnade outside the folding doors& amid the hubbub of the little
5i$ths& who had resumed their perpetual game of tag& #aught up
with him! %uestioned him head on: (Well& what do you sayA(
Mahlke stared straight ahead! tried not to look at his ne#k!
"etween two #olumns stood a plaster bust of 2essing: but Mahlke's
ne#k won out! .almly and mournfully& as though speaking of his
aunt's #hroni# ailments& his voi#e said: (4ow they need a bag of forty
if they want the medal! *t the beginning and after they were through
in :ran#e and in the north& it only took twenty )) if it keeps on like this!
! !(
guess the lieutenant's talk didn't agree with you! ;r you
wouldn't have resorted to su#h #heap #ompensations! n those days
luminous buttons and round& oval& or open)work pla%ues were on
display in the windows of stationery and dry)goods stores! They
glowed milky)green in the darkness& some dis#losing the #ontours of
a fish& others of a flying gull! These little pla%ues were pur#hased
mostly by elderly gentlemen and fragile old ladies& who wore them on
their #oat #ollars for fear of #ollisions in the bla#ked)out streets= there
were also #anes with luminous stripes!
Iou were not afraid of the bla#kout& and yet you fastened five or
si$ pla%ues& a luminous s#hool of fish& a flo#k of gliding gulls& several
bou%uets of phosphores#ent flowers& first on the lapels of your #oat&
then on your muffler= you had your aunt sew half a dozen luminous
buttons from top to bottom of your #oat= you turned yourself into a
#lown! n the winter twilight& through slanting snowflakes or well)nigh
uniform darkness& saw you& still see you and always will& striding
toward me down "Erenweg& enumerable from top to bottom and
ba#k& with one two three four five si$ #oat buttons glowing moldy)
green: a patheti# sort of ghost& #apable at most of s#aring #hildren
and grandmothers )) trying to distra#t attention from an affli#tion
whi#h no one #ould have seen in the pit#h)darkness! "ut you said to
yourself& no doubt: 4o bla#kness #an engulf this overdeveloped fruit=
everyone sees& suspe#ts& feels it& wants to grab hold of it& for it ?uts
out ready to be grabbed= if only this winter were over& so #ould dive
again and be underwater!
Chapter
#I
"ut when the summer #ame with strawberries& spe#ial
#ommuni%uQs& and bathing weather& Mahlke didn't want to swim! ;n
the first of >une we swam out to the barge for the first time! We
weren't really in the mood! We were annoyed at the Thirds who swam
with us and ahead of us& who sat on the bridge in swarms& dived& and
brought up the last hinge that #ould be uns#rewed! (2et me #ome
with you& #an swim now&( Mahlke had on#e pleaded! *nd now it was
5#hilling& Winter& and myself who pestered him: (*w& #ome along! t's
no fun without you! We #an sun ourselves on the barge! Maybe you'll
find something interesting down below!(
Relu#tantly& after waving us away several times& Mahlke
stepped into the tepid soup between the bea#h and the first
sandbank! -e swam without his s#rewdriver& stayed between us& two
arms' lengths behind -otten 5onntag& and for the first time saw him
swim #almly& without e$#itement or splashing! ;n the bridge he sat
huddled in the shadow of the pilothouse and no one #ould persuade
him to dive! -e didn't even turn his ne#k when the Thirds vanished
into the fo'#'sle and #ame up with trinkets! Iet Mahlke #ould have
taught them a thing or two! 5ome of them even asked him for
pointers )) but he s#ar#ely answered! The whole time he looked out
through pu#kered eyes over the open sea in the dire#tion of the
harbor mouth buoy& but neither inbound freighters& nor outbound
#utters& nor a formation of torpedo boats #ould divert him! Maybe the
submarines got a slight rise out of him! 5ometimes& far out at sea& the
peris#ope of a submerged <)boat #ould be seen #utting a distin#t
stripe of foam! The MNR)ton vessels& built in series at the 5#hi#hau
Do#kyards& were given trial runs in the Gulf or behind -ela= surfa#ing
in the deep #hannel& they put in toward the harbor and dispelled our
boredom! 2ooked good as they rose to the surfa#e& peris#ope first!
The moment the #onning tower emerged& it spat out one or two
figures! n dull)white streams the water re#eded from the gun& ran off
the bow and then the stern! Men s#rambled out of the hat#hes& we
shouted and waved )) 'm not sure whether they answered us& though
still see the motion of waving in every detail and #an still feel it in my
shoulders! Whether or not they waved ba#k& the surfa#ing of a
submarine strikes the heart& still does )) but Mahlke never waved!
! ! !and on#e )) it was the end of >une& summer va#ation hadn't
started yet and the lieutenant #ommander hadn't yet delivered his
le#ture in our s#hool auditorium )) Mahlke left his pla#e in the shade
be#ause a Third had gone down into the fo'#'sle of the mine sweeper
and hadn't #ome up! Mahlke went down the hat#h and brought the kid
up! -e had wedged himself in amidships& but he hadn't got as far as
the engine room! Mahlke found him under the de#k between pipes
and bundles of #able! :or two hours 5#hilling and -otten 5onntag
took turns working on the kid a##ording to Mahlke's dire#tions!
Gradually& the #olor #ame ba#k into his fa#e& but when we swam
ashore we had to tow him!
The ne$t day Mahlke was diving again with his usual
enthusiasm& but without a s#rewdriver! -e swam a#ross at his usual
speed& leaving us all behind= he had already been under on#e when
we #limbed up on the bridge!
The pre#eding winter's i#e and :ebruary storms had #arried
away the last bit of rail& both gun mounts& and the top of the
pilothouse! ;nly the en#rusted gull droppings had #ome through in
good shape and& if anything& had multiplied! Mahlke brought up
nothing and didn't answer the %uestions we kept thinking up! "ut late
in the afternoon& after he had been down ten or twelve times and we
were starting to limber up for the swim ba#k& he went down and didn't
#ome up! We were all of us out of our minds!
When speak of a five)minute intermission& it doesn't mean a
thing= but after five minutes as long as years& whi#h we o##upied with
swallowing until our tongues lay thi#k and dry in dry hollows& we dove
down into the barge one by one: in the fo'#'sle there was nothing but
a few baby herring! "ehind -otten 5onntag ventured through the
bulkhead for the first time& and looked superfi#ially about the former
offi#ers' mess! Then had to #ome up& shot out of the hat#h ?ust
before would have burst& went down again& shoved my way twi#e
more through the bulkhead& and didn't give up until a good half hour
later! 5even or eight of us lay flat on the bridge& panting! The gulls
#ir#led #loser and #loser= must have noti#ed something!
2u#kily& there were no Thirds on the barge! We were all silent or
all talking at on#e! The gulls flew off to one side and #ame ba#k
again! We #ooked up stories for the lifeguard& for Mahlke's mother
and aunt& and for Clohse& be#ause there was sure to be an
investigation at s#hool! "e#ause was Mahlke's neighbor& they
saddled me with the visit to his mother on ;sterzeile! 5#hilling was to
tell our story to the lifeguard and in s#hool!
(f they don't find him& we'll have to swim out here with a wreath
and have a #eremony!(
(We'll #hip in! We'll ea#h #ontribute at least fifty pfennigs!(
(We #an throw him overboard from here& or maybe ?ust lower
him into the fo'#'sle!(
(Well have to sing something&( said Cupka! "ut the hollow
tinkling laughter that followed this suggestion did not originate with
any of us: it #ame from inside the bridge! We all gaped at some
unknown point& waiting for the laughter to start up again& but when it
did& it was a perfe#tly normal kind of laughter& had lost its hollowness&
and #ame from the fo'#'sle! The waters parting at his watershed&
Mahlke pushed out of the hat#h& breathing s#ar#ely harder than
usual& and rubbed the fresh sunburn on his ne#k and shoulders! -is
bleating was more good)natured than s#ornful! (Well&( he said& (have
you got that funeral oration readyA(
"efore we swam ashore& Mahlke went down again! Winter was
having an atta#k of the weeping ?itters and we were trying to pa#ify
him! :ifteen minutes later Winter was still bawling& and Mahlke was
ba#k on the bridge& wearing a set of radio operator's earphones
whi#h from the outside at least looked undamaged& almost new= for
amidships Mahlke had found the way into a room that was situated
inside the #ommand bridge& above the surfa#e of the water= the
former radio sha#k! The pla#e was bone)dry& he said& though
somewhat #lammy! *fter #onsiderable stalling he admitted that he
had dis#overed the entran#e while disentangling the young Third
from the pipes and #ables! ('ve #amouflaged it! 4obody'll ever find it!
"ut it was plenty of work! t's my private property now& in #ase you
have any doubts! .ozy little ?oint! Good pla#e to hide if things get hot!
2ots of apparatus& transmitter and so on! Might try to put it in working
order one of these days!(
"ut that was beyond Mahlke's abilities and doubt if he ever
tried! ;r if he did tinker some without letting on& 'm sure his efforts
were unsu##essful! -e was very handy and knew all there was to
know about making ship models& but he was hardly a radio
te#hni#ian! "esides& if Mahlke had ever got the transmitter working
and started broad#asting witty sayings& the 4avy or the harbor poli#e
would have pi#ked us up!
n a#tual fa#t& he removed all the apparatus from the #abin and
gave it to Cupka& 6s#h& and the Thirds= all he kept for himself was the
earphones! -e wore them a whole week& and it was only when he
began systemati#ally to refurnish the radio sha#k that he threw them
overboard!
The first thing he moved in was books )) don't remember
e$a#tly what they were! My guess is that they in#luded Tsushima,
The )tor, o& a Nava$ Batt$e, a volume or two of Dwinger& and some
religious stuff! -e wrapped them first in old woolen blankets& then in
oil#loth& and #alked the seams with pit#h or tar or wa$! The bundle
was #arried out to the barge on a driftwood raft whi#h he& with
o##asional help from us& towed behind him as he swam! -e #laimed
that the books and blankets had rea#hed their destination almost dry!
The ne$t shipment #onsisted of #andles& an al#ohol burner& fuel& an
aluminum pot& tea& oat flakes& and dehydrated vegetables! ;ften he
was gone for as mu#h as an hour= we would begin to pound
franti#ally& but he never answered! ;f #ourse we admired him! "ut
Mahlke ignored our admiration and grew more and more
monosyllabi#= in the end he wouldn't even let us help him with his
moving! -owever& it was in our presen#e that he rolled up the #olor
print of the 5istine Madonna& known to me from his room on
;sterzeile& and stuffed it inside a hollow #urtain rod& pa#king the open
ends with modeling #lay! Madonna and #urtain rod were towed to the
barge and maneuvered into the #abin! *t last knew why he was
kno#king himself out& for whom he was furnishing the former radio
sha#k!
My guess is that the print was damaged in diving& or perhaps
that the moisture in the airless #abin Git had no portholes or
#ommuni#ation with the ventilators& whi#h were all flooded in the first
pla#eH did not agree with it& for a few days later Mahlke was wearing
something on his ne#k again& appended to a bla#k shoela#e: not a
s#rewdriver& but the bronze medallion with the so)#alled "la#k
Madonna of .zesto#howa in low relief! ;ur eyebrows shot up
knowingly= ah)ha& we thought& there's the Madonna routine again!
"efore we had time to settle ourselves on the bridge& Mahlke
disappeared down the forward hat#h! -e was ba#k again in no more
than fifteen minutes& without shoela#e and medallion& and he seemed
pleased as he resumed his pla#e behind the pilothouse!
-e was whistling! That was the first time heard Mahlke whistle!
;f #ourse he wasn't whistling for the first time& but it was the first time
noti#ed his whistling& whi#h is tantamount to saying that he was
really pursing his lips for the first time! alone )) being the only other
.atholi# on the barge )) knew what the whistling was about: he
whistled one hymn to the 3irgin after another! 2eaning on a vestige of
the rail& he began with aggressive good humor to beat time on the
ri#kety side of the bridge with his dangling feet= then over the muffled
din& he reeled off the whole @ente#ost se%uen#e "eni, )an#te
)"iritus" and after that )) had been e$pe#ting it )) the se%uen#e for
the :riday before @alm 5unday! *ll ten stanzas of the )ta/at Mater
do$orosa, in#luding <arodisi -$oria and 'men, were rattled off without
a hit#h! myself& who had on#e been :ather Gusewski's most
devoted altar boy but whose attendan#e had be#ome very irregular of
late& #ould barely have re#olle#ted the first lines!
Mahlke& however& served 2atin to the gulls with the utmost
ease& and the others& 5#hilling& Cupka& 6s#h& -otten 5onntag& and
whoever else was there& listened eagerly with a ("oyohboy( and
(ttakesyourbreathaway!( They even asked Mahlke to repeat the
)ta/at Mater, though nothing #ould have been more remote from
their interests than 2atin or liturgi#al te$ts!
5till& don't think you were planning to turn the radio sha#k into
a #hapel for the 3irgin! Most of the rubbish that found its way there
had nothing to do with her! Though never inspe#ted your hideout ))
we simply #ouldn't make it )) see it as a miniature edition of your
atti# room on ;sterzeile! ;nly the geraniums and #a#tuses& whi#h
your aunt& often against your will& lodged on the window sill and the
four)story #a#tus ra#ks& had no #ounterpart in the former radio sha#k=
otherwise your moving was a perfe#t ?ob!
*fter the books and #ooking utensils& Mahlke's ship models& the
dispat#h boat Cri#ket and the torpedo boat of the %o$& #lass& s#ale
/:/LNR& were moved below de#ks! nk& several pens& a ruler& a s#hool
#ompass& his butterfly #olle#tion& and the stuffed snowy owl were also
obliged to take the dive! presume that Mahlke's furnishings
gradually began to look pretty si#k in this room where water vapor
#ould do nothing but #ondense! 6spe#ially the butterflies in their
glassed)over #igar bo$es& a##ustomed as they were to dry atti# air&
must have suffered from the dampness!
"ut what we admired most about this game of moving man&
whi#h went on for days& was pre#isely its absurdity and deliberate
destru#tiveness! *nd the zeal with whi#h >oa#him Mahlke gradually
returned to the former @olish mine sweeper so many of the ob?e#ts
whi#h he had painstakingly removed two summers before )) good old
@ilsudski& the plates with the instru#tions for operating this or that
ma#hine& and so on )) enabled us& despite the irritating Thirds& to
spend an entertaining& might even say e$#iting& summer on that
barge for whi#h the war had lasted only four weeks!
To give you an e$ample of our pleasures: Mahlke offered us
musi#! Iou will remember that in the summer of /0OR& after he had
swum out to the barge with us perhaps si$ or seven times& he had
slowly and painstakingly salvaged a phonograph from the fo'#'sle or
the offi#ers' mess& that he had taken it home& repaired it& and put on a
new turntable #overed with felt! This same phonograph& along with
ten or a dozen re#ords& was one of the last items to find their way
ba#k again! The moving took two days& during whi#h time he #ouldn't
resist the temptation to wear the #rank around his ne#k& suspended
from his trusty shoela#e!
@honograph and re#ords must have #ome through the trip
through the flooded fo'#'sle and the bulkhead in good shape& for that
same afternoon he surprised us with musi#& a hollow tinkling whose
sour#e seemed to shift eerily about but was always somewhere
inside the barge! shouldn't be surprised if it shook loose the rivets
and sheathing! Though the sun was far down in the sky& we were still
getting some of it on the bridge& but even so that sound gave us
gooseflesh! ;f #ourse we would shout: (5top it! 4o! Go onD @lay
anotherD( remember a well)known 've Maria, as long)lasting as a
wad of #hewing gum& whi#h smoothed the #hoppy sea= he ?ust
#ouldn't manage without the 3irgin!
There were also arias& overtures& and su#hlike )) have told you
that Mahlke was gone on serious musi#A :rom the inside out Mahlke
regaled us with something passionate from Tos#a, something
en#hanted from -umperdin#k& and part of a symphony beginning with
dadada daaah& known to us from popular #on#erts!
5#hilling and Cupka shouted for something hot& but that he
didn't have! t was Sarah who produ#ed the most startling effe#ts! -er
underwater voi#e laid us out flat on the rust and bumpy gull
droppings! don't remember what she sang in that first re#ord! t was
always the same Sarah! n one& though& she sang something from an
opera with whi#h we had been familiarized by a movie #alled
*ome$and. (*lashavelosther&( she moaned!
(Thewindsangmeasong&( she sighed! (;nedayamira#lewillhappen&(
she prophesied! 5he #ould sound organ tones and #on?ure the
elements& or she #ould dispense moments of languor and
tenderness! Winter hardly bothered to stifle his sobs and in general
our eyelashes were kept pretty busy!
*nd over it all the gulls! They were always getting franti# over
nothing& but when Sarah revolved on the turntable down below& they
went #ompletely out of their heads! Their glass)#utting s#reams&
emanating no doubt from the souls of departed tenors& rose high over
the mu#h)imitated and yet inimitable& dungeon)deep plaint of this
tear)?erking movie star gifted with a voi#e& who in the war years
earned an immense popularity on every front in#luding the home
front!
Mahlke treated us several times to this #on#ert until the re#ords
were so worn that nothing emerged but a tortured gurgling and
s#rat#hing! To this day no musi# has given me greater pleasure&
though seldom miss a #on#ert at Robert 5#humann -all and
whenever am in funds pur#hase long)playing re#ords ranging from
Monteverdi to "artok! 5ilent and insatiable& we huddled over the
phonograph& whi#h we #alled the 3entrilo%uist! We had run out of
praises! ;f #ourse we admired Mahlke= but in the eerie din our
admiration shifted into its opposite& and we thought him so repulsive
we #ouldn't look at him! Then as a low)flying freighter hove into view&
we felt moderately sorry for him! We were also afraid of Mahlke= he
bullied us! *nd was ashamed to be seen on the street with him! *nd
was proud when -otten 5onntag's sister or the little @okriefke girl
met the two of us together outside the *rt .inema or on -eeresanger!
Iou were our theme song! We would lay bets: (What's he going to do
nowA bet you he's got a sore throat again! 'm taking all bets:
5omeday he's going to hang himself& or hell get to be something real
big& or invent something terrifi#!(
*nd 5#hilling said to -otten 5onntag: (Tell me the honest truth=
if your sister went out with Mahlke& to the movies and all& tell me the
honest truth= what would you doA(
Chapter
#II
The appearan#e of the lieutenant #ommander and mu#h)
de#orated <)boat #aptain in the auditorium of our s#hool put an end
to the #on#erts from within the former @olish mine sweeper R,/itwa.
6ven if he had not turned up& the re#ords and the phonograph
#ouldn't have held out for more than another three or four days! "ut
he did turn up& and without having to pay a visit to our barge he
turned off the underwater musi# and gave all our #onversations about
Mahlke a new& though not fundamentally new& turn!
The lieutenant #ommander must have graduated in about '8O! t
was said that before volunteering for the 4avy he had studied some
at the university: theology and German literature! #an't help it& am
obliged to #all his eyes fiery! -is hair was thi#k and kinky& maybe wiry
would be the word& and there was something of the old Roman about
his head! 4o submariner's beard& but aggressive eyebrows that
suggested an overhanging roof! -is forehead was that of a
philosopher)saint& hen#e no horizontal wrinkles& but two verti#al lines&
beginning at the bridge of the nose and rising in sear#h of God! The
light played on the uppermost point of the bold vault! 4ose small and
sharp! The mouth he opened for us was a deli#ately #urved orator's
mouth! The auditorium was over#rowded with people and morning
sun! We were for#ed to huddle in the window ni#hes! Whose idea
had it been to invite the two upper #lasses of the Gudrun 5#hoolA
The girls o##upied the front rows of ben#hes= they should have worn
brassieres& but didn't!
When the pro#tor #alled us to the le#ture& Mahlke hadn't wanted
to attend! :lairing some possible gain in prestige for myself& took
him by the sleeve! "eside me& in the window ni#he )) behind us the
windowpanes and the motionless #hestnut trees in the re#reation
yard )) Mahlke began to tremble before the lieutenant #ommander
had even opened his mouth! Mahlke's hands #lut#hed Mahlke's
knees& but the trembling #ontinued! The tea#hers& in#luding two lady
tea#hers from the Gudrun 5#hool& o##upied a semi#ir#le of oak #hairs
with high ba#ks and leather #ushions& whi#h the pro#tor had set up
with remarkable pre#ision! Dr! Moeller #lapped his hands& and little by
little the audien#e %uieted down for Dr! Clohse& our prin#ipal! "ehind
the twin braids and pony tails of the upper)#lass girls sat :ourths with
po#ketknives= braids were %ui#kly shifted from ba#k to front! ;nly the
pony tails remained within rea#h of the :ourths and their knives! This
time there was an introdu#tion! Clohse spoke of all those who are out
there fighting for us& on land& on the sea& and in the air& spoke at
length and with little infle#tion of himself and the students at
2angemar#k& and on the sle of ;sel fell Walter :le$! Fuotation:
Maturebutpure )) the manly virtues! Then some :i#hte or *rndt!
Fuotation: ;nyou)aloneandwhatyoudo! Re#olle#tion of an e$#ellent
paper on :i#hte or *rndt that the lieutenant #ommander had written in
5e#ond: (;ne of us& from our midst& a produ#t of our s#hool and its
spirit& and in this spirit let us! ! !(
4eed say how zealously notes were passed ba#k and forth
between us in the window ni#hes and the girls from <pper 5e#ond!
;f #ourse the :ourths mi$ed in a few obs#enities of their own! wrote
a note saying Godknowswhat either to 3era @lBtz or to -ild#hen
Matull& but got no answer from either! Mahlke's hands were still
#lut#hing Mahlke's knees! The trembling died down! The lieutenant
#ommander on the platform sat slightly #rushed between old Dr!
"runies& who as usual was #almly su#king hard #andy& and Dr!
5ta#hnitz& our 2atin tea#her! *s the introdu#tion droned to an end& as
our notes passed ba#k and forth& as the :ourths with po#ket)knives&
as the eyes of the :hrer's photograph met those of the oil)painted
"aron von .onradi& as the morning sun slipped out of the auditorium&
the lieutenant #ommander moistened his deli#ately #urved orator's
mouth and stared morosely at the audien#e& making a heroi# effort to
e$#lude the girl students from his field of vision! .ap per#hed with
dignity on his parallel knees! <nder the #ap his gloves! Dress
uniform! The hardware on his ne#k plainly dis#ernible against an
in#on#eivably white shirt! 5udden movement of his head& half
followed by his de#oration& toward the lateral windows: Mahlke
trembled& feeling no doubt that he had been re#ognized& but he
hadn't! Through the window in whose ni#he we huddled the <)boat
#aptain gazed at dusty& motionless #hestnut trees= what& thought
then or think now& what #an he be thinking& what #an Mahlke be
thinking& or Clohse while speaking& or "rumes while su#king& or 3era
@lBtz while your note& or -ild#hen Matull& what #an he he he be
thinking& Mahlke or the fellow with the orator's mouthA :or it would
have been illuminating to know what a <)boat #aptain thinks while
obliged to listen& while his gaze roams free without #ross)wires and
dan#ing horizon& until >oa#him Mahlke feels singled out= but a#tually
he was staring over s#hoolboys' heads& through double
windowpanes& at the dry greenness of the poker)fa#ed trees in the
re#reation yard& giving his orator's mouth one last moistening with his
bright)red tongue& for Clohse was trying& with words on peppermint
breath& to send a last senten#e out past the middle of the auditorium:
(*nd today it beseems us in the homeland to give our full attention to
what you sons of our nation have to report from the front& from every
front!(
The orator's mouth had de#eived us! The lieutenant
#ommander started out with a very #olorless survey su#h as one
might have found in any naval manual: the fun#tion of the submarine!
German submarines in the :irst World War: Weddigen and the =>,
submarine plays de#isive role in Dardanelles #ampaign& sinking a
total of thirteen million gross register tons! ;ur first LNR)ton subs&
ele#tri# when submerged& diesel on the surfa#e& the name of @rien
was dropped& @rien and the =?@, and 2ieutenant .ommander @rien
sent the Ro,a$ +ak to the bottom )) hell& we knew all that )) as well as
the Re"u$se, and 5#huhart sank the Coura!eous, and so on and so
on! *nd then all the old saws: (The #rew is a body of men who have
sworn to stand together in life and death& for far from home& terrible
nervous strain& you #an imagine& living in a sardine #an in the middle
of the *tlanti# or the *r#ti#& #ramped humid hot& men obliged to sleep
on spare torpedoes& nothing stirring for days on end& empty horizon&
then suddenly a #onvoy& heavily guarded& everything has to go like
#lo#kwork& not an unne#essary syllable= when we bagged our first
tanker& the 'mda$e, /M&LRR tons& with two fish amidships& believe it or
not& thought of you& my dear Dr! 5ta#hnitz& and began to re#ite out
loud& without turning off the inter#om& :ui :uae :uod, #uius #uius
#uius. . . until our e$e# #alled ba#k: Good work& skipper& you may
take the rest of the day off! "ut a submarine mission isn't all shooting
and tube one fire and tube two fire= for days on end it's the same
monotonous sea& the rolling and pounding of the boat& and overhead
the sky& a sky to make your head reel& tell you& and sunsets! ! !(
*lthough the lieutenant #ommander with the hardware on his
ne#k had sunk LNR&RRR gross register tons& a light #ruiser of the
Des"at#h #lass and a heavy destroyer of the Tri/a$ #lass& the details
of his e$ploits took up mu#h less spa#e in his talk than verbose
des#riptions of nature! 4o metaphor was too daring! :or instan#e:
(! ! !swaying like a train of pri#eless& dazzlingly white la#e& the
foaming wake follows the boat whi#h& swathed like a bride in festive
veils of spray& strides onward to the marriage of death!(
The tittering wasn't limited to the pigtail #ontingent= but in the
ensuing metaphor the bride was obliterated: (* submarine is like a
whale with a hump& but what of its bow waveA t is like the twirling&
many times twirled musta#he of a hussar!(
The lieutenant #ommander also had a way of intoning dry
te#hni#al terms as if they had been dark words of legend! @robably
his le#ture was addressed more to @apa "runies& his former German
tea#her& known as a lover of 6i#hendorff& than to us! Clohse had
mentioned the elo%uen#e of his s#hool themes& and perhaps he
wished to show that his tongue had lost none of its #unning! 5u#h
words as (bilge pump( and (helmsman( were uttered in a mysterious
whisper! -e must have thought he was offering us a revelation when
he said (master #ompass( or (repeater #ompass!( Good 2ord& we had
known all this stuff for years! -e saw himself as the kindly
grandmother telling fairy tales! The voi#e in whi#h he spoke of a dog)
wat#h or a watertight door or even something as #ommonpla#e as a
(#hoppy #ross sea(D t was like listening to dear old *ndersen or the
"rothers Grimm telling a spooky tale about (sonar impulses!(
When he started brushing in sunsets& it got really embarrassing:
(*nd before the *tlanti# night des#ends on us like a flo#k of ravens
transformed by en#hantment into a bla#k shroud& the sky takes on
#olors we never see at home! *n orange flares up& fleshy and
unnatural& then airy and weightless& be?eweled at the edges as in the
paintings of old masters= and in between& feathery #louds= and oh
what a strange light over the rolling full)blooded seaD(
5tanding there with his sugar #andy on his ne#k& he sounded
the #olor organ& rising to a roar& des#ending to a whisper& from watery
blue to #old)glazed lemon yellow to brownish purple! @oppies blazed
in the sky& and in their midst #louds& first silver& then suffused with red:
(5o must it be&( these were his a#tual words& (when birds and angels
bleed to death!( *nd suddenly from out of this sky& so daringly
des#ribed& from out of bu#oli# little #louds& he #on?ured up a seaplane
of the )under$and type! t #ame buzzing toward his <)boat but
a##omplished nothing! Then with the same orator's mouth but without
metaphors& he opened the se#ond part of his le#ture! .hopped& dry&
matter)of)fa#t: ('m sitting in the peris#ope seat! >ust s#ored a hit!
@robably a refrigerator ship! 5inks stern first! We take the boat down
at one one zero! Destroyer #omes in on one seven zero! We #ome
left ten degrees! 4ew #ourse: one two zero& steady on one two zero!
@ropeller sounds fade& in#rease& #ome in at one eight zero& ash #ans:
si$! ! ! seven! ! ! eight! ! ! eleven: lights go out= pit#h)darkness& then
the emergen#y lighting #omes on& and one after another the stations
report all #lear! Destroyer has stopped! 2ast bearing one si$ zero& we
#ome left ten degrees! 4ew #ourse four five! ! !(
<nfortunately& this really e$#iting fillet was followed by more
prose poems: (The *tlanti# winter( or (@hosphores#en#e in the
Mediterranean&( and a genre painting: (.hristmas on a submarine&(
with the inevitable broom transformed into a .hristmas tree! n
#on#lusion he rose to mythi#al heights: the home#oming after a
su##essful mission& <lysses& and at long last: (The first sea gulls tell
us that the port is near!(
don't know whether Dr! Clohse ended the session with the
familiar words (*nd now ba#k to work&( or whether we sang
(Welovethestorms!( seem& rather& to re#all muffled but respe#tful
applause& disorganized movements of getting up& begun by girls and
pigtails! When turned around toward Mahlke& he was gone= saw his
hair with the part in the middle bob up several times by the right)hand
e$it& but one of my legs had fallen asleep during the le#ture and for a
few moments was unable to ?ump from the window ni#he to the
wa$ed floor!
t wasn't until rea#hed the dressing room by the gymnasium
that ran into Mahlke= but #ould think of nothing to start a
#onversation with! While we were still #hanging& rumors were heard
and soon #onfirmed! We were being honored: the lieutenant
#ommander had asked Mallenbrandt& his former gym tea#her& for
leave to parti#ipate in the good old gym #lass& though he was out of
shape! n the #ourse of the two hours whi#h as usual on 5aturday
#losed the s#hool day& he showed us what he #ould do! n the se#ond
hour& we were ?oined by the :irsters!
5%uat& well built& with a lu$uriant growth of bla#k hair on his
#hest! :rom Mallenbrandt he had borrowed the traditional red gym
pants& the white shirt with the red stripe at #hest level& and the bla#k
. embedded in the stripe! * #luster of students formed around him
while he was dressing! 2ots of %uestions: (! ! !may look at it #lose
upA -ow long does it takeA *nd what ifA "ut a friend of my brother's
in the mos%uito boats says! ! !( -e answered patiently! 5ometimes he
laughed for no reason but #ontagiously! The dressing room whinnied=
and the only reason why Mahlke #aught my attention ?ust then was
that he didn't ?oin in the laughter= he was busy folding and hanging up
his #lothes!
The trill of Mallenbrandt's whistle #alled us to the gymnasium&
where we gathered around the horizontal bar! The lieutenant
#ommander& dis#reetly se#onded by Mallenbrandt& dire#ted the #lass!
Whi#h meant that we were not kept very busy& be#ause he was
determined to perform for us& among other things& the giant swing
ending in a split! *side from -otten 5onntag only Mahlke #ould
#ompete& but so e$e#rable were his swing and split )) his knees were
bent and he was all tensed up )) that none of us #ould bear to wat#h
him! When the lieutenant #ommander began to lead us in a series of
free and #arefully graduated ground e$er#ises& Mahlke's *dam's
apple was still dan#ing about like a stu#k pig! n the vault over seven
men& he landed askew on the mat and apparently turned his ankle!
*fter that he sat on a ladder off to one side and must have slipped
away when the :irsters ?oined us at the beginning of the se#ond hour!
-owever& he was ba#k again for the basketball game against the
:irst= he even made three or four baskets& but we lost ?ust the same!
;ur 4eo)Gothi# gymnasium preserved its air of solemnity ?ust
as 5t! Mary's .hapel in 4eus#hottland& regardless of all the painted
plaster and e##lesiasti#al trappings :ather Gusewski #ould assemble
in the bright gymnasti# light of its broad window fronts& never lost the
feel of the modern gymnasium it had formerly been! While there
#larity prevailed over all mysteries& we trained our mus#les in a
mysterious twilight: our gymnasium had ogival windows& their panes
broken up by rosettes and flamboyant tra#ery! n the glaring light of
5t! Mary's .hapel& offering& transubstantiation& and #ommunion were
disen#hanted motions that might have been performed in a fa#tory=
instead of wafers& one might ?ust as well have handed out hammers&
saws& or window frames& or for that matter gymnasti# apparatus& bats
and relay sti#ks& as in former days! While in the mysti#al light of our
gymnasium the simple a#t of #hoosing the two basketball teams&
whose ten minutes of play was to wind up the session& seemed
solemnly moving like an ordination or #onfirmation #eremony! *nd
when the #hosen ones stepped aside into the dim ba#kground& it was
with the humility of those performing a sa#red rite! 6spe#ially on
bright mornings& when a few rays of sun found their way through the
foliage in the yard and the ogival windows& the obli%ue beams& falling
on the moving figures of athletes performing on the trapeze or rings&
produ#ed strange& romanti# effe#ts! f #on#entrate& #an still see the
s%uat little lieutenant #ommander in altar)boy)red gym pants&
e$e#uting airy& fluid movements on the flying trapeze& #an see his
flawlessly pointed feet )) he performed barefoot )) diving into a golden
sunbeam& and #an see his hands )) for all at on#e he was hanging
by his knees )) rea#h out for a shaft of agitated golden dust! Ies& our
gymnasium was marvelously old)fashioned= why& even the dressing
room obtained its light through ogival windows= that was why we
#alled it the 5a#risty!
Mallenbrandt blew his whistle= after the basketball game both
#lasses had to line up and sing
(Tothemountainswegointheearlydewfallera(= then we were dismissed!
n the dressing room there was again a huddle around the lieutenant
#ommander! ;nly the :irsters hung ba#k a little! *fter #arefully
washing his hands and armpits over the one and only washbasin ))
there were no showers )) the lieutenant #ommander put on his
underwear and stripped off his borrowed gym togs so deftly that we
didn't see a thing! Meanwhile he was sub?e#ted to more %uestions&
whi#h he answered with good)natured& not too #ondes#ending
laughter! Then& between two %uestions& his good humor left him! -is
hands groped un#ertainly! .overtly at first& then openly& he was
looking for something! -e even looked under the ben#h! (>ust a
minute& boys& 'll be ba#k on de#k in a se#ond&( and in navy)blue
shorts& white shirt& so#ks but no shoes& he pi#ked his way through
students& ben#hes& and zoo smell: @avilion for 5mall .arnivores! -is
#ollar stood open and raised& ready to re#eive his tie and the ribbon
bearing the de#oration whose name dare not utter! ;n the door of
Mallenbrandt's offi#e hung the weekly gymnasium s#hedule! The
lieutenant #ommander kno#ked and went right in!
Who didn't think of Mahlke as didA 'm not sure thought of
him right away& should have& but the one thing am sure of is that
didn't sing out: (-ey& where's MahlkeA( 4or did 5#hilling nor -otten
5onntag& nor Winter Cupka 6s#h! 4obody sang out= instead we all
ganged up on si#kly little "us#hmann& a poor devil who had #ome
into the world with a grin that he #ouldn't wipe off his fa#e even after it
had been slapped a dozen times!
The half)dressed lieutenant #ommander #ame ba#k with
Mallenbrandt in a terry)#loth bathrobe! (WhowasitA( Mallenbrandt
roared! (2ethimstepforwardD( *nd we sa#rifi#ed "us#hmann to his
wrath! too shouted "us#hmann= even su##eeded in telling myself
as though really believed it: Ies& it must have been "us#hmann&
who else #ould it beA
"ut while Mallenbrandt& the lieutenant #ommander& and the
upper)#lass monitor were flinging %uestions at "us#hmann all
together& began to have pins and needles& superfi#ially at first& on
the ba#k of my ne#k! The sensation grew stronger when "us#hmann
got his first slap& when he was slapped be#ause even under
%uestioning he #ouldn't get the grin off his fa#e! While my eyes and
ears waited for a #lear #onfession from "us#hmann& the #ertainty
#rawled upward from the ba#k of my ne#k: 5ay& wonder if it wasn't a
#ertain 5o)and)5oD
My #onfiden#e seeped away= no& the grinning "us#hmann was
not going to #onfess= even Mallenbrandt must have suspe#ted as
mu#h or he would not have been so liberal with his slaps! -e had
stopped talking about the missing ob?e#t and only roared between
one slap and the ne$t: (Wipe that grin off your fa#e! 5top it& say! 'll
tea#h you to grin!(
may say& in passing& that Mallenbrandt did not a#hieve his aim!
don't know whether "us#hmann is still in e$isten#e= but if there
should be a dentist& veterinary& or physi#ian by the name of
"us#hmann )) -eini "us#hmann was planning to study medi#ine )) it
is #ertainly a grinning Dr! "us#hmann= for that kind of thing is not so
easily got rid of& it is long)lived& survives wars and #urren#y reforms&
and even then& in the presen#e of a lieutenant #ommander with an
empty #ollar& waiting for an investigation to produ#e results& it proved
superior to the blows of Mr! Mallenbrandt!
Dis#reetly& though all eyes were on "us#hmann& looked for
Mahlke& but there was no need to sear#h= #ould tell by a feeling in
my ne#k where he was inwardly singing his hymns to the 3irgin! :ully
dressed& not far away but removed from the #rowd& he was buttoning
the top button of a shirt whi#h to ?udge by the #ut and stripes must
have been still another hand)me)down from his father! -e was having
trouble getting his distinguishing mark in under the button!
*part from his struggles with his shut button and the
a##ompanying efforts of his ?aw mus#les& he gave an impression of
#alm! When he realized that the button wouldn't #lose over his
*dam's apple& he rea#hed into the breast po#ket of his #oat& whi#h
was still hanging up& and produ#ed a rumpled ne#ktie! 4o one in our
#lass wore a tie! n the upper #lasses there were a few fops who
affe#ted ridi#ulous bow ties! Two hours before& while the lieutenant
was still regaling the auditorium about the beauties of nature& he had
worn his shirt #ollar open= but already the tie was in his breast po#ket&
awaiting the great o##asion!
This was Mahlke's maiden voyage as a ne#ktie wearer! There
was only one mirror in the dressing room and even so it was #overed
with spots! 5tanding before it& but only for the sake of form& for he
didn't step #lose enough to see anything mu#h& he tied on his rag )) it
had bright polka dots and was in very bad taste& am #onvin#ed
today )) turned down his #ollar& and gave the enormous knot one last
tug! Then he spoke up& not in a very loud voi#e but with suffi#ient
emphasis that his words #ould be distinguished from the sounds of
the investigation that was still in progress and the slaps whi#h
Mallenbrandt& over the lieutenant #ommander's ob?e#tions& was still
tirelessly meting out! ('m willing to bet&( Mahlke said& (that
"us#hmann didn't do it! "ut has anybody sear#hed his #lothingA(
Though he had spoken to the mirror& Mahlke found ready
listeners! -is ne#ktie& his new a#t& was noti#ed only later& and then
not very mu#h! Mallenbrandt personally sear#hed "us#hmann's
#lothes and soon found reason to strike another blow at the grin: in
both #oat po#kets he found several opened pa#kages of #ondoms&
with whi#h "us#hmann #arried on a retail trade in the upper #lasses=
his father was a druggist! ;therwise Mallenbrandt found nothing& and
the lieutenant #ommander #heerfully gave up& knotted his offi#er's tie&
turned his #ollar down& and& tapping at the spot whi#h had previously
been so eminently de#orated& suggested to Mallenbrandt that there
was no need to take the in#ident too seriously: (t's easily repla#ed!
t's not the end of the world! >ust a silly boyish prank!(
"ut Mallenbrandt had the doors of the gymnasium and dressing
room lo#ked and with the help of two :irsters sear#hed our po#kets
as well as every #orner of the room that might have been used as a
hiding pla#e! *t first the lieutenant #ommander was amused and even
helped& but after a while he grew impatient and did something that no
one had ever dared to do in our dressing room: he began to #hain
smoke& stamping out the butts on the linoleum floor! -is mood soured
visibly after Mallenbrandt had silently pushed up a spittoon that for
years had been gathering dust beside the washbowl and had already
been sear#hed as a possible hiding pla#e!
The lieutenant #ommander blushed like a s#hoolboy& tore the
#igarette he had ?ust begun from his deli#ately #urved orator's mouth&
and stopped smoking! *t first he ?ust stood there with his arms folded=
then he began to look nervously at the time& demonstrating his
impatien#e by the sharp left hook with whi#h he shook his wrist wat#h
out of his sleeve!
-e took his leave by the door with gloved fingers& giving it to be
understood that he #ould not approve of the way this investigation
was being handled& that he would put the whole irritating business
into the hands of the prin#ipal& for he had no intention of letting his
leave be spoiled by a bun#h of ill)behaved brats!
Mallenbrandt tossed the key to one of the :irsters& who #reated
an embarrassing pause by his #lumsiness in unlo#king the dressing)
room door!
Chapter
#III
The investigation dragged on& ruining our 5aturday afternoon
and bringing no results! remember few details and those are hardly
worth talking about& for had to keep an eye on Mahlke and his
ne#ktie& whose knot he periodi#ally tried to push up higher= but for
Mahlke's purposes a hook would have been needed! 4o& you were
beyond help!
"ut what of the lieutenant #ommanderA The %uestion seems
hardly worth asking& but it #an be answered in few words! -e was not
present at the afternoon investigation& and it may well have been
true& as un#onfirmed rumors had it& that he spent the afternoon with
his fian#Qe& looking through the #ity's three or four medal shops!
5omebody in our #lass #laimed to have seen him on 5unday at the
:our 5easons .afQ& sitting with his fian#Qe and her parents& and
allegedly nothing was missing between his #ollarbones: the visitors to
the #afQ may have noti#ed& with a #ertain awe& who was sitting there
in their midst& trying his well)mannered best to #ut the re#al#itrant
#ake of the third war year with a fork!
didn't go to the #afQ that 5unday! had promised :ather
Gusewski to serve as his altar boy at early Mass! 5hortly after seven
Mahlke #ame in with his bright ne#ktie and was unable& despite the
aid of the usual five little old women& to dispel the emptiness of the
former gymnasium! -e re#eived #ommunion as usual on the outer
left! The previous evening& immediately after the investigation at
s#hool& he must have #ome to 5t! Mary's .hapel and #onfessed= or
perhaps& for one reason or another& you whispered into :ather
Wiehnke's ear at the .hur#h of the 5a#red -eart!
Gusewski kept me& in%uired after my brother& who was fighting
in Russia& or maybe he had stopped fighting& for there had been no
news of him for several weeks! ;n#e again had ironed and star#hed
all the altar #overs and the alb& and it is perfe#tly possible that he
gave me a roll or two of raspberry drops= what know for sure is that
Mahlke was gone when left the sa#risty! -e must have been one #ar
ahead of me! ;n Ma$)-albe)@latz boarded the trailer of a 4o! 0 #ar!
5#hilling ?umped on at Magdeburger 5trasse after the #ar had
gathered #onsiderable speed! We spoke of something entirely
different! Maybe offered him some of :ather Gusewski's raspberry
drops! "etween 5aspe Manor and 5aspe .emetery& we overtook
-otten 5onntag! -e was riding a lady's bi#y#le and #arrying the little
@okriefke girl astraddle on the baggage ra#k! The spindly little thing's
thighs were still as smooth as frogs' legs& but she was no longer flat
all over! The wind showed that her hair had grown longer!
We had to wait at the 5aspe siding for the #ar #oming from the
opposite dire#tion& and -otten 5onntag and Tulla passed us! *t the
"rBsen stop the two of them were waiting! The bi#y#le was leaning
against a waste)paper basket provided by the bea#h administration!
They were playing brother and sister& standing there with their little
fingers linked! Tulla's dress was blue blue washing blue& and in every
way too short too tight too blue! -otten 5onntag was #arrying the
bundle of bathrobes et#! We managed to e$#hange a few silent
glan#es& and to #at#h ea#h other's meaning! *t length words fell from
the super#harged silen#e: (;f #ourse it was Mahlke& who else #ould it
have beenA What a guyD(
Tulla wanted details& s%uirmed up to us& and wheedled with a
pointed forefinger! "ut neither of us #alled the ob?e#t by name! 5he
got no more out of us than a terse (WhoelsebutMahlke( and an
(t'sas#learasday!'' "ut 5#hilling& no& it was & dreamed up a new title!
nto the gap between -otten 5onntag's head and Tulla's head
inserted the words: (The Great Mahlke! The Great Mahlke did it& only
the Great Mahlke #an do su#h things!(
*nd the title stu#k! *ll previous attempts to fasten ni#knames on
Mahlke had been short)lived! remember (5oup .hi#ken(= and when
he stood aloof& we had #alled him (5wallower( or (The 5wallower!(
"ut the first title to prove viable was my spontaneous #ry: '(The Great
MahlkeD( *nd in these papers shall speak now and then of (The
Great Mahlke!(
*t the #ashier's window we got rid of Tulla! 5he disappeared
into the ladies' #abins& stret#hing her dress with her shoulder blades!
"efore the verandalike stru#ture in front of the men's bathhouse lay
the sea& pale and shaded by fair)weather #louds& blowing a#ross the
sky in dispersed order! Water: 1N! Without having to sear#h& the three
of us #aught sight& behind the se#ond sandbank& of somebody
swimming franti#ally on his ba#k& splashing and foaming as he
headed for the superstru#ture of the mine sweeper! We agreed that
only one of us should swim after him! 5#hilling and suggested
-otten 5onntag& but he preferred to lie with Tulla @okriefke behind
the sun s#reen on the family bea#h and sprinkle sand on frogs' legs!
5#hilling #laimed to have eaten too mu#h breakfast: (6ggs and all!
My grandma from Crampitz has #hi#kens and some 5undays she
brings in two or three dozen eggs!(
#ould think of no e$#use! rarely observed the rule about
fasting before #ommunion and had eaten breakfast very early!
"esides& it was neither 5#hilling nor -otten 5onntag who had said
'The Great Mahlke&( but ! 5o swam after him& in no parti#ular hurry!
Tulla @okriefke wanted to swim along with me& and we almost
#ame to blows on the pier between the ladies' bea#h and the family
bea#h! *ll arms and legs& she was sitting on the railing! 5ummer after
summer she had been wearing that same mouse)gray& grossly
darned #hild's bathing suit= what little bosom she had was #rushed&
elasti# #ut into her thighs& and between her legs the threadbare wool
molded itself in an intimate dimple! .urling her nose and spreading
her toes& she s#reamed at me! When in return for some present or
other )) -otten 5onntag was whispering in her ear )) she agreed to
withdraw& three or four little Thirds& good swimmers& whom had often
seen on the barge& #ame #limbing over the railing= they must have
#aught some of our #onversation& for they wanted to swim to the
barge though they didn't admit it! (;h no&( they protested& (we're
going somewhere else! ;ut to the breakwater! ;r ?ust to take a look!(
-otten 5onntag attended to them: (*nybody that swims after him
gets his balls polished!(
*fter a shallow dive from the pier started off& #hanging my
stroke fre%uently and taking my time! *s swam and as write& tried
and try to think of Tulla @okriefke& for didn't and still don't want to
think of Mahlke! That's why swam breast stroke& and that's why
write that swam breast stroke! That was the only way #ould see
Tulla @okriefke sitting on the railing& a bag of bones in mouse)gray
wool= and as thought of her& she be#ame smaller& #razier& more
painful= for Tulla was a thorn in our flesh )) but when had the se#ond
sandbank behind me& she was gone& thorn and dimple had passed
the vanishing point& was no longer swimming away from Tulla& but
swimming toward Mahlke& and it is toward you that write: swam
breast stroke and didn't hurry!
may as well tell you between two strokes )) the water will hold
me up )) that this was the last 5unday before summer va#ation! What
was going on at the timeA They had o##upied the .rimea& and
Rommel was advan#ing again in 4orth *fri#a! 5in#e 6aster we had
been in <pper 5e#ond! 6s#h and -otten 5onntag had volunteered&
both for the *ir :or#e& but later on& ?ust like me who kept hesitating
whether to go into the 4avy or not& they were sent to the @anzer
Grenadiers& a kind of high)#lass infantry! Mahlke didn't volunteer= as
usual& he was the e$#eption! (Iou must be nuts&( he said! -owever&
he was a year older& and there was every likelihood that he would be
taken before we were= but a writer mustn't get ahead of himself!
swam the last #ouple of hundred yards all in breast stroke& but
still more slowly in order to save my breath! The Great Mahlke was
sitting as usual in the shadow of the pilothouse! ;nly his knees were
getting some sun! -e must have been under on#e! The gargling
remnants of an overture wavered in the fitful breeze and #ame out to
meet me with the ripples! That was his way: dove down into his den&
#ranked up the phonograph& put on a re#ord& #ame up with dripping
watershed& sat down in the shade& and listened to his musi# while
above him the s#reams of the gulls substantiated the do#trine of
transmigration!
4o& not yet! ;n#e again& before it is too late& let me turn over on
my ba#k and #ontemplate the great #louds shaped like potato sa#ks&
whi#h rose from @utziger Wiek and passed over our barge in endless
pro#ession& providing #hanges of light and a #loud)long #oolness!
4ever sin#e )) e$#ept at the e$hibition of our lo#al #hildren's painting
whi#h :ather *lban organized two years ago at our settlement house
with my help& have seen su#h beautiful& potato)sa#k)shaped #louds!
*nd so on#e again& before the battered rust of the barge #omes
within rea#h& ask: Why meA Why not -otten 5onntag or 5#hillingA
might have sent the Thirds& or Tulla with -otten 5onntag! ;r the
whole lot of them in#luding Tulla& for the Thirds& espe#ially one of
them who seems to have been related to her& were always #hasing
after the little bag of bones! "ut no& bidding 5#hilling to make sure
that no one followed me& swam alone! *nd took my time!
& @ilenz )) what has my first name got to do with itA )) formerly
an altar boy dreaming of every imaginable future& now se#retary at
the @arish 5ettlement -ouse& ?ust #an't let magi# alone= read "loy&
the Gnosti#s& "Bll& :riedri#h -eer& and often with profound emotion
the Con&essions of good old 5t! *ugustine! ;ver tea brewed mu#h
too bla#k& spend whole nights dis#ussing the blood of .hrist& the
Trinity& and the sa#rament of penan#e with the :ran#is#an :ather
*lban& who is an open)minded man though more or less a believer!
tell him about Mahlke and Mahlke's 3irgin& Mahlke's ne#k and
Mahlke's aunt& Mahlke's sugar water& the part in the middle of his hair&
his phonograph& snowy owl& s#rewdriver& woolen pompoms& luminous
buttons& about #at and mouse and mea #u$"a! tell him how the
Great Mahlke sat on the barge and & taking my time& swam out to
him alternating between breast stroke and ba#k stroke= for alone
#ould be termed his friend& if it was possible to be friends with
Mahlke! *nyway made every effort! "ut why speak of effortA To me
it was perfe#tly natural to trot along beside him and his #hanging
attributes! f Mahlke had said: (Do this and that&( would have done
this and that and then some! "ut Mahlke said nothing! ran after him&
went out of my way to pi#k him up on ;sterzeile for the privilege of
going to s#hool by his side! *nd he merely put up with my presen#e
without a word or a sign! When he introdu#ed the pompom vogue&
was the first to take it up and wear pompoms on my ne#k! :or a
while& though only at home& even wore a s#rewdriver on a shoela#e!
*nd if #ontinued to gratify Gusewski with my servi#es as an altar
boy& it was only in order to gaze at Mahlke's ne#k during holy
#ommunion! When in /0OL& after 6aster va#ation )) air#raft #arriers
were battling in the .oral 5ea )) the Great Mahlke shaved for the first
time& too began to s#rape my #hin& though no sign of a beard was
dis#ernible! *nd if after the submarine #aptain's spee#h Mahlke had
said to me: (@ilenz& go swipe that business on the ribbon&( would
have taken medal and ribbon off the hook and kept it for you!
"ut Mahlke attended to his own affairs! *nd now he was sitting
in the shadow of the pilothouse& listening to the tortured remains of
his underwater musi#: Cava$$eria Rusti#ana)) gulls overhead )) the
sea now smooth now ruffled now stirred by short)winded waves ))
two fat ships in the roadstead )) s#urrying #loud shadows )) over
toward @utzig a formation of speedboats: si$ bow waves& a few
trawlers in between )) #an already hear the gurgling of the barge&
swim slowly& breast stroke& look away& look beyond& in between the
vestiges of the ventilators )) #an't remember e$a#tly how many ))
and before my hands grip the rust& see you& as 've been seeing you
for a good fifteen years: IouD swim& grip the rust& see Iou: the
Great Mahlke sits impassive in the shadow& the phonograph re#ord in
the #ellar #at#hes& in love with a #ertain passage whi#h it repeats till
its breath fails= the gulls fly off= and there you are with the ribbon and
it on your ne#k!
t was very funny)looking& be#ause he had nothing else on! -e
sat huddled& naked and bony in the shade with his eternal sunburn!
;nly the knees glared! -is long& semirela$ed pe#ker and his testi#les
lay flat on the rust! -is hands #lut#hing his knees! -is hair plastered
in strands over his ears but still parted in the middle! *nd that fa#e&
that Redeemer's #ountenan#eD *nd below it& motionless& his one and
only arti#le of #lothing& the large& the enormous medal a hand's
breadth below his #ollarbone!
:or the first time the *dam's apple& whi#h& as still believe ))
though he had au$iliary motors )) was Mahlke's motor and brake& had
found its e$a#t #ounterweight! Fuietly it slumbered beneath his skin!
:or a time it had no need to move& for the harmonious #ross that
soothed it had a long history= it had been designed in the year /J/8&
when iron was worth its weight in gold& by good old 5#hinkel& who
knew how to #apture the eye with #lassi#al forms: slight #hanges in
/JM/& slight #hanges in /0/O)/J& and now again slight #hanges! "ut it
bore no resemblan#e to the <our $e MArite& a development of the
Maltese .ross& although now for the first time 5#hinkel's brain #hild
moved from #hest to ne#k& pro#laiming symmetry as a .redo!
(-ey& @ilenzD What do you think of my trinketA 4ot bad& ehA(
(Terrifi#D 2et me tou#h it!(
(Iou'll admit earned it!(
( knew right away that you'd pulled the ?ob!(
(>ob nothing! t was #onferred on me only yesterday for sinking
five ships on the Murmansk run plus a #ruiser of the )outham"ton
#lass! ! !(
"oth of us determined to make a show of lightheartedness= we
grew very silly& bawled out every single verse of (We're sailing
against 6ngland&( made up new verses& in whi#h neither tankers nor
troop transports were torpedoed amidships& but #ertain girls and
tea#hers from the Gudrun 5#hool= forming megaphones of our hands&
we blared out spe#ial #ommuni%uQs& announ#ing our sinkings in
terms both high)flown and obs#ene& and drummed on the de#k with
our fists and heels! The barge groaned and rattled& dry gull droppings
were shaken loose& gulls returned& speedboats passed in the
distan#e& beautiful white #louds drifted over us& light as trails of
smoke& #omings and goings& happiness& shimmering light& not a fish
leaped out of the water& friendly weather= the ?umping ?a#k started up
again& not be#ause of any #risis in the throat& but be#ause he was
alive all over and for the first time a little giddy& gone the Redeemer's
#ountenan#e! Wild with glee& he removed the arti#le from his ne#k
and held the ends of the ribbon over his hip bones with a min#ing
little gesture! While with his legs& shoulders& and twisted head he
performed a fairly #omi#al imitation of a girl& but no parti#ular girl& the
great iron #ookie dangled in front of his private parts& #on#ealed no
more than a third of his pe#ker!
n between )) your #ir#us number was beginning to get on my
nerves )) asked him if he meant to keep the thing= it might be best&
suggested& to store it in his basement under the bridge& along with
the snowy owl& phonograph& and @ilsudski!
The Great Mahlke had other plans and #arried them out! :or if
Mahlke had stowed the ob?e#t below de#ks= or better still& if had
never been friends with Mahlke= or still better& both at on#e: the ob?e#t
safe in the radio sha#k and only vaguely interested in Mahlke& out of
#uriosity or be#ause he was a #lassmate )) then should not have to
write now and should not have to say to :ather *lban: (Was it my
fault if Mahlke later! ! !( *s it is& #an't help writing& for you #an't keep
su#h things to yourself! ;f #ourse it is pleasant to pirouette on white
paper )) but what help are white #louds& soft breezes& speedboats
#oming in on s#hedule& and a flo#k of gulls doing the work of a Greek
#horus= what good #an any magi#al effe#ts of synta$ do me= even if
drop #apitals and pun#tuation& shall still have to say that Mahlke did
not stow his bauble in the former radio sha#k of the former @olish
mine sweeper R,/itwa, that he did not hang it between Marshal
@ilsudski and the "la#k Madonna& over the moribund phonograph
and the de#omposing snowy owl& that he went down under with his
trinket on his ne#k& but stayed barely half an hour& while #ounted
sea gulls& preening himself )) #an swear to that )) with his prize
pie#e for the 3irgin's benefit! shall have to say that he brought it up
again through the fo'#'sle hat#h and was wearing it as he slipped on
his trunks& and swam ba#k to the bathhouse with me at a good
steady pa#e& that holding his treasure in his #len#hed fist& he
smuggled it past 5#hilling& -otten 5onntag& Tulla @okriefke& and the
Thirds& into his #abin in the gentlemen's se#tion!
was in no mood for talking and gave Tulla and her entourage
only half an idea of what was up before vanishing into my #abin!
dressed %ui#kly and #aught Mahlke at the 4o! 0 #ar stop! Throughout
the ride tried to persuade him& if it had to be& to return the medal
personally to the lieutenant #ommander& whose address it would
have been easy to find out!
don't think he was listening! We stood on the rear platform&
wedged in among the late 5unday morning #rowd! :rom one stop to
the ne$t he opened his hand between his shirt and mine& and we both
looked down at the severe dark metal with the rumpled& still wet
ribbon! When we rea#hed 5aspe Manor& Mahlke held the medal over
the knot of his tie& and tried to use the platform window as a mirror!
*s long as the #ar stood motionless& waiting for the #ar in the
opposite dire#tion to pass& looked out over one of his ears& over the
tumbledown 5aspe .emetery toward the airfield! was in lu#k: a
large trimotored >uNL was #ir#ling #autiously to a landing! That
helped me!
Iet it was doubtful whether the 5unday #rowd in the #ar had
eyes to spare for the Great Mahlke's e$hibition! *mid ben#hes and
bundles of bea#h e%uipment& they were kept busy struggling with
small #hildren worn out from bathing! The whining and blubbering of
#hildren& rising& falling& rising& s%uel#hed& and ebbing off into sleep&
e#hoed from the front to the rear platform and ba#k )) not to mention
smells that would have turned the sweetest milk sour!
*t the terminus on "runshBferweg we got out and Mahlke said
over his shoulder that he was planning to disturb the noonday repose
of Dr! Waldemar Clohse& our prin#ipal& that he was going in alone and
there was no point in my waiting for him!
Clohse )) as we all knew )) lived on "aumba#hallee!
a##ompanied the Great Mahlke through the tiled underpass& then let
him go his way= he did not hurry& would even say that he zigzagged
slightly! -e held the ends of the ribbon between thumb and forefinger
of his left hand= the medal twirled& serving as a propeller on his
#ourse to "aumba#hallee!
*n infernal ideaD *nd why did he have to #arry it outD f you had
only thrown the damn thing up into the linden trees: in that residential
%uarter full of shade)dispensing foliage there were plenty of magpies
that would have #arried it off to their se#ret store& and tu#ked it away
with the silver teaspoon& the ring and the broo#h and the kit and
boodle!
Mahlke was absent on Monday! The room was full of rumors!
Dr! "runies #ondu#ted his German #lass& in#orrigibly su#king the
.ebion tablets he should have distributed to his pupils! 6i#hendorff
lay open before him! 5weet and sti#ky& his old man's mumble #ame to
us from the desk: a few pages from the )#am", then poems: The Mi$$
%hee$, The 1itt$e Rin!, The Trou/adour )) Two hearty ?ourneymen
went forth )) f there's a fawn you love the best )) The song that
slumbers in all things )) Mild blows the breeze and blue! 4ot a word
about Mahlke!
t was not until Tuesday that Clohse #ame in with a gray
portfolio& and took his stan#e beside Dr! 6rdmann& who rubbed his
hands in embarrassment! ;ver our heads resounded Clohse's #ool
breath: a disgra#eful thing had happened& and in these fateful times
when we must all pull together! The student in %uestion )) Clohse did
not mention the name )) had already been removed from the
establishment! t had been de#ided& however& that other authorities&
the distri#t bureau for e$ample& would not be notified! n the interests
of the s#hool the students were urged to observe a manly silen#e&
whi#h alone #ould minimize the effe#ts of su#h s#andalous behavior!
5u#h was the desire of a distinguished alumnus& the lieutenant
#ommander and <)boat #aptain& bearer of the and so on! ! !(
*nd so Mahlke was e$pelled& but )) during the war s#ar#ely
anyone was thrown out of se#ondary s#hool for good )) transferred to
the -orst Wessel 5#hool& where his story was kept very %uiet
Chapter
I$
The -orst Wessel 5#hool& whi#h before the war had been
#alled the .rown @rin#e Wilhelm 5#hool& was #hara#terized by the
same dusty smell as our .onradinum! The building& built in /0/L&
think& seemed friendlier than our bri#k edifi#e& but only on the outside!
t was situated on the southern edge of the suburb& at the foot of
>es#hkental :orest= #onse%uently Mahlke's way to s#hool and my
way to s#hool did not interse#t at any point when s#hool resumed in
the autumn!
"ut there was no sign of him during the summer va#ation either
)) a summer without MahlkeD )) the story was that he had signed up
for a premilitary training #amp offering #ourses in radio operation! -e
displayed his sunburn neither in "rBsen nor at Glettkau "ea#h! 5in#e
there was no point in looking for him at 5t! Mary's .hapel& :ather
Gusewski was deprived of one of his most reliable altar boys! *ltar
"oy @ilenz said to himself: 4o Mahlke& no Mass!
The rest of us lounged about the barge from time to time& but
without enthusiasm! Rotten 5onntag tried in vain to find the way into
the radio sha#k! 6ven the Thirds had heard rumors of an amazing
and amazingly furnished hideaway inside the bridge! * #hara#ter with
eyes very #lose together& whom the infants submissively addressed
as 5tBrtebeker& dove indefatigably! Tulla @okriefke's #ousin& a rather
si#kly little fellow& #ame out to the barge on#e or twi#e& but never
dove! 6ither in my thoughts or in reality try to strike up a
#onversation with him about Tulla= was interested in her! "ut she
had ensnared her #ousin as she had me )) what with& wonderA With
her threadbare wool& with her ineradi#able smell of #arpenter's glueA
(t's none of your God)damn businessD( That's what the #ousin said to
me )) or might have!
Tulla didn't swim out to the barge= she stayed on the bea#h& but
she had given up -otten 5onntag! took her to the movies twi#e& but
even so had no lu#k= she'd go to the movies with anybody! t was
said that she had fallen for 5tBrtebeker& but if so her love was
unre%uited& for 5tBrtebeker had fallen for our barge and was looking
for the entran#e to Mahlke's hideout! *s the va#ation drew to an end
there was a good deal of whispering to the effe#t that his diving had
been su##essful! "ut there was never any proof: he produ#ed neither
a waterlogged phonograph re#ord nor a de#aying owl feather! 5till&
the rumors persisted= and when& two and a half years later& the so)
#alled Dusters& a somewhat mysterious gang supposedly led by
5tBrtebeker& were arrested& our barge and the hiding pla#e under the
bridge appear to have been mentioned! "ut by then was in the
*rmy= all heard was a line or two in letters )) for until the end& or
rather as long as the mails were running& :ather Gusewski wrote me
letters ranging from pastoral to friendly! n one of the last& written in
>anuary 'ON )) as the Russian armies were approa#hing 6lbing ))
there was something about a s#andalous assault of the Dusters on
the .hur#h of the 5a#red -eart& where :ather Wiehnke offi#iated! n
this letter 5tBrtebeker was referred to by his real name= and it also
seems to me that read something about a three)year)old #hild whom
the gang had #herished as a kind of mas#ot! am pretty #ertain&
though sometimes have my doubts& that in his last or ne$t to last
letter )) lost the whole pa#ket and my diary as well near .ottbus ))
there was some mention of the barge whi#h had its big day before
the onset of the summer va#ation of 'OL& but whose glory paled in the
#ourse of the summer= for to this day that summer has a flat taste in
my mouth )) what was summer without MahlkeA
4ot that we were really unhappy about his absen#e! myself
was glad to be rid of him& so didn't have to #hase after him the
whole time= but why& wonder& did report to :ather Gusewski as
soon as s#hool began again& offering my servi#es at the altarA The
reverend father's eyes #rinkled with delight behind his rimless glasses
and grew smooth and solemn behind the selfsame glasses only when
)) we were sitting in the sa#risty and was brushing his #asso#k ))
asked& as though in passing& about >oa#him Mahlke! .almly& raising
one hand to his glasses& he de#lared: (Ies& yes& he is still one of the
most faithful members of my #ongregation= never misses a 5unday
Mass! Iou know& presume& that he was away for four weeks& at a
so)#alled premilitary training #amp= but shouldn't like to think that
you're #oming ba#k to us only on Mahlke's a##ount! 5peak up&
@ilenzD(
6$a#tly two weeks earlier& we had re#eived news that my
brother Claus& a sergeant in the *rmy& had fallen in the Cuban!
spoke of his death as my reason for wishing to resume my duties as
an altar boy! :ather Gusewski seemed to believe me= at any rate he
tried to believe in me and in my renewed piety!
don't re#olle#t the parti#ulars of Winter's or -otten 5onntag's
fa#e! "ut :ather Gusewski had thi#k wavy hair& bla#k with the barest
sprinkling of gray& whi#h #ould be #ounted on to sprinkle his #asso#k
with dandruff! Meti#ulously tonsured& the #rown of his head had a
bluish glint! -e gave off an aroma #ompounded of hair toni# and
@almolive soap! 5ometimes he smoked Turkish #igarettes in an
ornately #arved amber holder! -e en?oyed a reputation for
progressiveness and played ping)pong in the sa#risty with the altar
boys and those preparing for their first #ommunion! -e liked the
e##lesiasti#al linen& the humeral and the alb& to be immoderately
star#hed& a #hore attended to by a #ertain Mrs! Tolkmit or& when the
old lady was ailing& by a handy altar boy& often myself! -e himself
appended sa#hets of lavender to every maniple& every stole& to all the
Mass vestments& whether they lay in #hests or hung in #losets! ;n#e
when was about thirteen& he ran his small& hairless hand down my
ba#k under my shirt from my ne#k to the waist of my gym shorts& but
stopped there be#ause my shorts had no elasti# band and tied them
in front with tapes! didn't give the in#ident mu#h thought& for :ather
Gusewski had won my sympathy with his friendly& often boyish ways!
#an still remember his ironi# benevolen#e= so not another word
about the o##asional wanderings of his hand= all perfe#tly harmless& it
was really my .atholi# soul he was looking for! *ll in all& he was a
priest like hundreds of others= he maintained a well)sele#ted library
for a working)#lass #ongregation that read little= his zeal was not
e$#essive& his belief had its limits )) in regard to the *ssumption& for
instan#e )) and he always spoke& whether over the #orporal about the
blood of .hrist or in the sa#risty about ping)pong& in the same tone of
un#tuous serenity! t did strike me as silly when early in /0OR he put
in a petition to have his name #hanged )) less than a year later he
#alled himself& and had others #all him& :ather Gusewing! "ut the
fashion for Germanizing @olish)sounding names ending in ki or ke or
a )) like :ormella )) was taken up by lots of people in those days:
2ewandowski be#ame 2engrs#h= Mr! ;l#zewski& our but#her& had
himself metamorphosed into a Mr! ;hlwein= >rgen Cupka's parents
wanted to take the 6ast @russian name of Cupkat& but their petition&
heaven knows why& was re?e#ted! @erhaps in emulation of one 5aul
who be#ame @aul& a #ertain Gusewski wished to be#ome Gusewing
)) but in these papers :ather Gusewski will #ontinue to be Gusewski=
for you& >oa#him Mahlke& did not #hange your name!
When for the first time after summer va#ation served early
Mass at the altar& saw him again and anew! mmediately after the
prayers at the foot of the altar )) :ather Gusewski stood on the
6pistle side and was busy with the ntroit )) sighted him in the
se#ond pew& before the altar of ;ur 2ady! "ut it was only between the
reading of the 6pistle and the gradual& and more freely during the
Gospel reading& that found time to e$amine his appearan#e! -is hair
was still parted in the middle and still held in pla#e with the usual
sugar water= but he wore it a good in#h longer! 5tiff and #andied& it
fell over his two ears like the two sides of a steep)pointed roof: he
would have made a satisfa#tory >esus the way he held up his ?oined
hands on a level with his forehead without propping his elbows=
beneath them per#eived a bare& unguarded ne#k that #on#ealed
none of its se#rets= for he was wearing his shirt #ollar open and
folded over his ?a#ket #ollar in the manner hallowed by 5#hiller: no
tie& no pompoms& no pendants& no s#rewdriver& nor any other item
from his #opious arsenal! The only heraldi# beast in an otherwise
va#ant field was the restless mouse whi#h he harbored under his skin
in pla#e of a laryn$& whi#h had on#e attra#ted a #at and had tempted
me to put the #at on his ne#k! The area between *dam's apple and
#hin was still marked with a few #rusty razor #uts! *t the 5an#tus
almost #ame in too late with the bell!
*t the #ommunion rail Mahlke's attitude was less affe#ted! -is
?oined hands dropped down below his #ollarbone and his mouth
smelted as though a pot of #abbage were simmering on a small flame
within nun! ;n#e he had his wafer& another daring innovation
#aptured my attention: in former days Mahlke& like every other
#ommuni#ant& had returned dire#tly from the #ommunion rail to his
pla#e in the se#ond row of pews= now he prolonged and interrupted
this silent itinerary& first striding slowly and stiffly to the middle of the
altar of ;ur 2ady& then falling on both knees& not on the linoleum floor
but on a shaggy #arpet whi#h began shortly before the altar steps!
Then he raised his ?oined hands until they were level with his eyes&
with the part in his hair& and higher still he held them out in
suppli#ation and yearning to the over)life)size plaster figure whi#h
stood #hildless& a virgin among virgins& on a silver)plated #res#ent
moon& draped from shoulders to ankles in a @russian)blue starry
mantle& her long)fingered hands folded over her flat bosom& gazing
with slightly protuberant glass eyes at the #eiling of the former
gymnasium! When Mahlke arose knee after knee and reassembled
his hands in front of his 5#hiller #ollar& the #arpet had imprinted a
#oarse& bright)red pattern on his knee#aps!
:ather Gusewski had also observed #ertain aspe#ts of Mahlke's
new style! 4ot that asked %uestions! Fuite of his own a##ord& as
though wishing to throw off or to share a burden& he began
immediately after Mass to speak of Mahlke's e$#essive zeal& of his
dangerous atta#hment to outward forms! Ies& :ather Gusewski was
worried= it had seemed to him for some time that regardless of what
inner affli#tion brought Mahlke to the altar& his #ult of the 3irgin
bordered on pagan idolatry!
-e was waiting for me at the door of the sa#risty! was so
frightened almost ran ba#k in again& but at on#e he took my arm&
laughed in a free and easy way that was #ompletely new& and talked
and talked! -e who had formerly been so monosyllabi# spoke about
the weather )) ndian summer& threads of gold in the air! *nd then
abruptly& but in the same #onversational tone and without even
lowering his voi#e: ('ve volunteered! #an't understand it! Iou know
how feel about all that stuff: militarism& playing soldier& the #urrent
overemphasis on martial virtues! Guess what bran#h of servi#e! Don't
make me laugh! The *ir :or#e is all washed up! @aratroopersA
Wrong againD Why wouldn't you think of the submarinesA Well& at
lastD That's the only bran#h that still has a #han#e! Though of #ourse
'll feel like an ass in one of those things and 'd rather do something
useful or funny! Iou remember wanted to be a #lown! 2ord& what
ideas a kid will getD
( still think it's a pretty good idea! ;therwise things aren't so
bad! -ell& s#hool is s#hool! What fool ideas used to have! Do you
rememberA >ust #ouldn't get used to this bump! thought it was some
kind of disease! "ut it's perfe#tly normal! 've known people& or at
least 've seen some& with still bigger ones= they don't get upset! The
whole thing started that day with the #at! Iou remember! We were
lying in -einri#h 6hlers :ield! * 5#hlagball tournament was going on!
was sleeping or daydreaming& and that gray beast& or was it bla#k&
saw my ne#k and ?umped& or one of you& 5#hilling think& it's the kind
of thing he would do& took the #at! ! ! Well& that's an#ient history! 4o&
haven't been ba#k to the barge! 5tBrtebekerA 4ever heard of him! 2et
him& let him! don't own the barge& do A .ome and see us soon!(
t was not until the third 5unday of *dvent )) all that autumn
Mahlke had made me a model altar boy )) that a##epted his
invitation! <ntil *dvent had been obliged to serve all by myself!
:ather Gusewski had been unable to find a se#ond altar boy! *#tually
had wanted to visit Mahlke on the first 5unday of *dvent and bring
him a #andle& but the shipment #ame too late and it was not until the
se#ond 5unday that Mahlke was able to pla#e the #onse#rated
#andle on the altar of ;ur 2ady! (.an you s#are up someA( he had
asked me! (Gusewski won't give me any!( said that 'd do what
#ould& and a#tually su##eeded in pro#uring one of those long
#andles& pale as potato shoots& that are so rare in wartime= for my
brother's death entitled my family to a #andle! went on foot to the
rationing offi#e and they gave me a #oupon after had submitted the
death #ertifi#ate! Then took the street#ar to the religious)arti#les
shop in ;liva& but they were out of #andles! had to go ba#k again
and then a se#ond time& and so it was only on the se#ond 5unday of
*dvent that was able to give you your #andle and see you kneel
with it at the altar of ;ur 2ady& as had long dreamed of seeing you!
Gusewski and wore violet for *dvent! "ut your ne#k sprouted from a
white 5#hiller #ollar whi#h was not obs#ured by the reversed and
remodeled over#oat you had inherited from an engine driver killed in
an a##ident& for you no longer )) another innovationD )) wore a muffler
fastened with a large safety pin!
*nd Mahlke knelt stiffly and at length on the #oarse #arpet on
the se#ond 5unday of *dvent and again on the third& the day
de#ided to take him at his word and drop in on him in the afternoon!
-is glassy un%uivering gaze )) or if it %uivered& it was when was
busy at the altar )) was aimed over the #andle at the belly of the
Mother of God! -is hands formed a steep roof over his forehead and
its thoughts& but he did not tou#h his forehead with his #rossed
thumbs!
*nd thought: Today 'll go! 'll go and take a look at him! 'll
study him! Ies& so will! There must be something behind all that!
"esides& he had invited me!
;sterzeile was a short street: and yet the one)family houses
with their empty trellises against house fronts s#rubbed till they were
sore& the uniform trees along the sidewalks )) the lindens had lost
their poles within the last year but still re%uired props )) dis#ouraged
and wearied me& although our Westerzeile was identi#al& or perhaps
it was be#ause our Westerzeile had the same smell and #elebrated
the seasons with the same 2illiputian garden plots! 6ven today when&
as rarely happens& leave the settlement house to visit friends or
a#%uaintan#es in 5to#kum or 2ohhausen& between the airfield and
the 4orth .emetery& and have to pass through streets of housing
development whi#h repeat themselves ?ust as wearisomely and
dishearteningly from house number to house number& from linden to
linden& am still on the way to visit Mahlke's mother and Mahlke's
aunt and you& the Great Mahlke= the bell is fastened to a garden gate
that might have stepped over without effort& ?ust by stret#hing my
legs a little! 5teps through the wintry but snowless front garden with
its top)heavy rosebushes wrapped for the whiter! The flowerless
flower beds are de#orated with "alti# sea shells broken and inta#t!
The #erami# tree frog the size of a rabbit is seated on a slab of rough
marble embedded in #rusty garden soil that has #rumbled over it in
pla#es! *nd in the flower bed on the other side of the narrow path
whi#h& while think of it& guides me from the garden gate to the three
bri#k steps before the o#her)stained& round)ar#hed door& stands& ?ust
a#ross from the tree frog& an almost verti#al pole some five feet high&
topped with a birdhouse in the *lpine manner! The sparrows go on
eating as negotiate the seven or eight pa#es between flower bed
and flower bed! t might be supposed that the development smells
fresh& #lean& sandy& and seasonal )) but ;sterzeile& Westerzeile&
"Erenweg& no& the whole of 2angfuhr& West @russia& or Germany for
that matter& smelled in those war years of onions& onions stewing in
margarine= won't try to determine what else was stewing& but one
thing that #ould always be identified was freshly #hopped onions&
although onions were s#ar#e and hard to #ome by& although ?okes
about the onion shortage& in #onne#tion with :ield Marshal GBring&
who had said something or other about short onions on the radio&
were going the rounds in 2angfuhr& in West @russia& and all over
Germany! @erhaps if rubbed my typewriter superfi#ially with onion
?ui#e& it might #ommuni#ate an intimation of the onion smell whi#h in
those years #ontaminated all Germany& West @russia and 2angfuhr&
;sterzeile as well as Westerzeile& preventing the smell of #orpses
from taking over #ompletely!
took the three bri#k steps at one stride& and my #urved hand
was preparing to grasp the door handle when the door was opened
from within )) by Mahlke in 5#hiller #ollar and felt slippers! -e must
have refurbished the part in his hair a short while before! 4either light
nor dark& in rigid& freshly #ombed strands& it slanted ba#kward in both
dire#tions from the part! 5till impe##ably neat= but when left an hour
later& it had begun to %uiver as he spoke and droop over his large&
flamboyant ears!
We sat in the rear of the house& in the living room& whi#h
re#eived its light from the ?utting glass veranda! There was #ake
made from some war re#ipe& potato #ake= the predominant taste was
rose water& whi#h was supposed to awaken memories of mar#hpane!
*fterward preserved plums& whi#h had a normal taste and had
ripened during the fall in Mahlke's garden )) the tree& leafless and with
whitewashed trunk& #ould be seen in the left)hand pane of the
veranda! My #hair was assigned to me: was at the narrow end of the
table& looking out& while Mahlke& opposite me at the other end& had
the veranda behind him! To the left of me& illumined from the side so
that gray hair #urled silvery& Mahlke's aunt= to the right& her right side
illumined& but less glittering be#ause #ombed more tightly& Mahlke's
mother! *lthough the room was overheated& it was a #old wintry light
that outlined the fuzzy edges of her ears and a few trembling wisps of
loose hair! The wide 5#hiller #ollar gleamed whiter than white at the
top& blending into gray lower down: Mahlke's ne#k lay flat in the
shadow!
The two women were rawboned& born and raised in the #ountry!
They were at a loss what to do with their hands and spoke profusely&
never at the same time& but always in the dire#tion of >oa#him
Mahlke even when they were addressing me and asking about my
mother's health! They both spoke to me through him& who a#ted as
our interpreter: (5o now your brother Claus is dead! knew him only
by sight& but what a handsome boyD(
Mahlke was a mild but firm #hairman! When the %uestions
be#ame too personal )) while my father was sending *@; letters from
Gree#e& my mother was indulging in intimate relations& mostly with
non#oms )) well& Mahlke warded off %uestions in that dire#tion:
(4ever mind about that& *untie! Who #an afford to ?udge in times like
this when everything is topsy)turvyA "esides& it's really no business of
yours& Mamma! f @apa were still alive& he wouldn't like it& he wouldn't
let you speak like that!(
"oth women obeyed him or else they obeyed the departed
engine driver whom he %uietly #on?ured up whenever his aunt or
mother began to gossip! When they spoke of the situation at the front
)) #onfusing the battlefields of Russia with those of 4orth *fri#a&
saying 6l *lamein when they meant the 5ea of *zov )) Mahlke
managed %uietly& without irritation& to guide the #onversation into the
right geographi#al #hannels: (4o& *untie& that naval battle was at
Guadal#anal& not in Carelia!(
4evertheless& his aunt had given the #ue and we lost ourselves
in #on?e#tures about the >apanese and *meri#an air#raft #arriers that
might have been sunk off Guadal#anal! Mahlke believed that the
#arriers *ornet and %as", the keels of whi#h had been laid only in
/080& as well as the Ran!er, had been #ompleted in time to take part
in the battle& for either the )arato!a or the 1e4in!ton, perhaps both&
had meanwhile been sunk! We were still more in the dark about the
two big >apanese #arriers& the 'ka!i and the Ka!a, whi#h was
de#idedly too slow to be effe#tive! Mahlke e$pressed daring opinions:
only air#raft #arriers& he said& would figure in the naval battles of the
future& there was no longer any point in building battleships& it was
the small& fast #raft and the #arriers that #ounted! -e went into
details! When he rattled off the names of the talian es"$oratori, both
women gaped in amazement and Mahlke's aunt #lapped her bony
hands resoundingly= there was something girlish about her
enthusiasm& and in the silen#e that followed her #lapping& she fiddled
with her hair in embarrassment!
4ot a word fell about the -orst Wessel 5#hool! almost seem to
remember that& as was getting up to go& Mahlke laughingly
mentioned his old nonsense about his ne#k& as he put it& and even
went so far )) his mother and aunt ?oined in the laughter )) as to tell
the story about the #at: this time it was >rgen Cupka who put the #at
on his throat= if only knew who made up the story& he or & or who is
writing this in the first pla#eD
n any #ase )) this mu#h is #ertain )) his mother found some
wrapping paper and pa#ked up two little pie#es of potato #ake for me
as was taking my leave! n the hall& beside the stair#ase leading to
the upper story and his atti#& Mahlke pointed out a photograph
hanging beside the brush bag! The whole width of the photograph
was taken up with a rather modern)looking lo#omotive with tender&
belonging to the @olish railways )) the letters @C@ #ould be #learly
distinguished in two pla#es! n front of the engine stood two men& tiny
but imposing& with folded arms! The Great Mahlke said: (My father
and 2abuda the fireman& shortly before they were killed in an a##ident
near Dirs#hau in '8O! "ut my father managed to prevent the whole
tram from being wre#ked= they awarded him a medal posthumously!(
Chapter
$
6arly in the new year thought would take violin lessons )) my
brother had left a violin )) but we were enrolled as *ir :or#e
au$iliaries and today it is probably too late although :ather *lban
keeps telling me that ought to! *nd it was he who en#ouraged me to
write about .at and Mouse: (>ust sit yourself down& my dear @ilenz&
and start writing! Ies& yes& there was too mu#h Cafka in your first
poeti# efforts and short stories& but even so& you've got a style of your
own: if you won't take up the fiddle& you #an get it off your #hest by
writing )) the good 2ord knew what -e was doing when -e gave you
talent!(
5o we were enrolled in the "rBsen)Glettkau shore battery& or
training battery if you will& behind the gravel)strewn bea#h
promenade& amid dunes and blowing bea#h grass& in buildings that
smelled of tar& so#ks& and the bea#h grass used to stuff our
mattresses! There might be lots of things to say about the daily life of
an *ir :or#e au$iliary& a s#hoolboy in uniform& sub?e#ted in the
morning to gray)haired tea#hers and the traditional methods of
edu#ation and in the afternoon obliged to memorize gunnery
instru#tions and the se#rets of ballisti#s= but this is not the pla#e to tell
my story& or the story of -otten 5onntag's simple)minded vigor& or to
re#ount the utterly #ommonpla#e adventures of 5#hilling )) here am
speaking only of you= and >oa#him Mahlke never be#ame an *ir
:or#e au$iliary!
>ust in passing and without trying to tell a #oherent story
beginning with #at and mouse& some students from the -orst Wessel
5#hool& who were also being trained in the "rBsen)Glettkau shore
battery& #ontributed a #ertain amount of new material: (>ust after
.hristmas they drafted him into the Rei#h 2abor 5ervi#e! ;h yes& he
graduated& they gave him the spe#ial wartime diploma! -ell&
e$aminations were never any problem for him& he was %uite a bit
older than the rest of us! They say his battalion is out on Tu#hler
-eath! .utting peat maybe! They say things are happening up there!
@artisans and so on!(
n :ebruary went to see 6s#h at the *ir :or#e hospital in ;liva!
-e was lying there with a fra#tured #ollarbone and wanted #igarettes!
gave him some and he treated me to some sti#ky li%ueur! didn't
stay long! ;n the way to the street#ar bound for Glettkau made a
detour through the .astle @ark! wanted to see whether the good old
whispering grotto was still there! t was: some #onvales#ent alpine
troops were trying it out with the nurses& whispering at the porous
stone from both sides& tittering& whispering& tittering! had no one to
whisper with and went off& with some plan or other in mind& down a
birdless& perhaps brambly path whi#h led straight from the #astle
pond and whispering grotto to the Soppot highway! t was rather like a
tunnel be#ause of the bare bran#hes that ?oined overhead and it kept
growing frighteningly narrower! passed two nurses leading a
hobbling& laughing& hobbling lieutenant& then two grandmothers and a
little boy who might have been three years old& didn't want to be
#onne#ted with the grandmothers& and was #arrying but not beating a
#hild's drum! Then out of the :ebruary)gray tunnel of brambles&
something else approa#hed and grew larger: Mahlke!
We were both ill at ease! There was something eerie& almost
awesome& about a meeting on su#h a path without forks or byways&
#ut off even from the sky: it was fate or the ro#o#o fantasy of a
:ren#h lands#ape ar#hite#t that had brought us together )) and to this
day avoid ine$tri#able #astle parks designed in the manner of good
old 2e 4Ttre!
;f #ourse a #onversation started up& but #ouldn't help staring
transfi$ed at his head #overing= for the 2abor 5ervi#e #ap& even when
worn by others than Mahlke& was une%ualed for ugliness: a #rown of
disproportionate height sagged forward over the visor= the whole was
saturated with the #olor of dried e$#rement= the #rown was #reased in
the middle in the manner of a #ivilian hat& but the bulges were #loser
together& so #lose as to produ#e the plasti# furrow whi#h e$plains
why the 2abor 5ervi#e head #overing was #ommonly referred to as
(an ass with a handle!( ;n Mahlke's head this hat made a parti#ularly
painful impression& for it seemed to a##entuate the very same part in
the middle that the 2abor 5ervi#e had for#ed him to give up! We were
both of us on edge as we stood fa#ing one another between and
beneath the brambles! *nd then the little boy #ame ba#k without the
grandmothers& pounding his tin drum& #ir#umnavigated us in a
semi#ir#le with magi#al overtones& and at last vanished down the
tapering path with his noise!
We e$#hanged a hasty good)by after Mahlke had tersely and
morosely answered my %uestions about fighting with partisans on
Tu#hler -eath& about the food in the 2abor 5ervi#e& and as to
whether any 2abor 5ervi#e Maidens were stationed near them! also
wanted to know what he was doing in ;liva and whether he had been
to see :ather Gusewski! learned that the food was tolerable& but
that he had seen no sign of any 2abor 5ervi#e Maidens! -e thought
the rumors about fighting with partisans to be e$aggerated but not
entirely unfounded! -is #ommander had sent him to ;liva for some
spare parts: offi#ial business& ?ustifying a two days' absen#e! ( spoke
to Gusewski this morning& right after early Mass!( Then a disparaging
wave of the hand: (-ell #an freeze over& hell always be the sameD(
and the distan#e between us in#reased& be#ause we were taking
steps!
4o& didn't look after him! <nbelievable& you thinkA "ut if say
(Mahlke didn't turn around in my dire#tion&( you won't doubt me!
5everal times had to look behind me be#ause there was no one& not
even the little boy with his noise bo$& #oming toward me to help!
Then as figure it& didn't see you for a whole year= but not to
see you was not& and still is not& to forget you and your fearful
symmetry! "esides& there were reminders: if saw a #at& whether
gray or bla#k or pepper)and)salt& the mouse ran into my field of vision
forthwith= but still hesitated& unde#ided whether the mouse should
be prote#ted or the #at goaded into #at#hing it
<ntil summer we lived at the shore battery& played endless
games of handball& and on visiting 5undays rolli#ked to the best of
our ability in the bea#h thistles& always with the same girls or their
sisters= alone a##omplished nothing at all! -esitation was my
trouble= haven't got over it yet& and this weakness of mine still
inspires me with the same ironi#al refle#tions! What else o##upied
our daysA Distributions of peppermint drops& le#tures about venereal
diseases= in the morning *ermann and Dorothea, in the afternoon the
0J)C rifle& mail& four)fruit ?am& singing #ontests! n our hours off duty
we sometimes swam out to our barge& where we regularly found
swarms of the little Thirds who were #oming up after us and who
irritated us no end& and as we swam ba#k we #ouldn't for the life of us
understand what for three summers had so atta#hed us to that mass
of rust en#rusted with gull droppings! 2ater we were transferred to the
JJ)millimeter battery in @elonken and then to the Sigankenberg
battery! There were three or four alerts and our battery helped to
shoot down a four)motor bomber! :or weeks several orderly rooms
submitted rival #laims to the a##idental hit )) and through it all&
peppermint drops& *ermann and Dorothea, and lots of saluting!
"e#ause they had volunteered for the *rmy& -otten 5onntag
and 6s#h were sent to the 2abor 5ervi#e even sooner than !
-esitating as usual& unable to make up my mind whi#h bran#h of
servi#e favored& had missed the deadline for volunteering! n
:ebruary /0OO& with a good half of our #lass& took and passed the
final e$aminations )) whi#h differed little from the usual pea#etime
variety )) and promptly re#eived noti#e to report for 2abor 5ervi#e!
Dis#harged from the *ir :or#e *u$iliaries& had a good two weeks
ahead of me and was determined to do something #on#lusive in
addition to winning my diploma! Whom did light on but Tulla
@okriefke& who was si$teen or over and very a##essible& but had no
lu#k and didn't get anywhere with -otten 5onntag's sister either! n
this situation and state of mind )) was #omforted to some e$tent by
letters from one of my #ousins= the whole family had been eva#uated
to 5ilesia after an air raid had left their house a total loss )) made a
farewell visit to :ather Gusewski& promised to help at the altar during
the furloughs hoped would get& and was given a new Missal and a
handy metal #ru#ifi$& spe#ially manufa#tured for .atholi# re#ruits!
Then at the #orner of "Erenweg and ;sterzeile on my way home&
ran into Mahlke's aunt& who wore thi#k glasses when she went out
and was not to be avoided!
"efore we had even e$#hanged greetings& she began to talk& at
a good #lip in spite of her rural drawl! When people #ame by& she
gripped my shoulder and pulled until one of my ears approa#hed her
mouth! -ot& moist senten#es! 5he began with irrelevant #hit)#hat!
The shopping situation: (Iou #an't even get what you've got #oupons
for!( learned that onions were not to be found& but that brown sugar
and barley grits were obtainable at Matzerath's and that ;hlwein& the
but#her& was e$pe#ting some #anned pork! :inally& with no #ue from
me& she #ame to the point: (The boy is better now& though he don't
e$a#tly say so in his letters! "ut he's never been one to #omplain&
he's ?ust like his father& who was my brother)in)law! *nd now they've
put him in the tanks! -e'll be safer than in the infantry and dry when it
rains!(
Then whispers #rept into my ear and learned of Mahlke's new
e##entri#ities& of the infantile pi#tures he drew under the signature of
his letters!
(The funny part of it is that he never drew when he was little&
e$#ept for the water #olors he had to make in s#hool! "ut here's his
last letter in my po#ketbook! Dear& how rumpled it isD ;h& Mr! @ilenz&
there's so many people want to see how the boy is doing!(
*nd Mahlke's aunt showed me Mahlke's letter! (Go ahead and
read it!( "ut didn't read! @aper between gloveless fingers! * dry&
sharp wind #ame #ir#ling down from Ma$)-albe)@latz and nothing
#ould stop it! "attered my heart with the heel of its boot and tried to
ki#k the door in! 5even brothers spoke within me& but none of them
followed the writing! There was snow in the wind but #ould still see
the letter paper distin#tly& though it was grayish brown& poor %uality!
Today may say that understood immediately& but ?ust stared&
wishing neither to look nor to understand= for even before the paper
#ra#kled #lose to my eyes& had realized that Mahlke was starting up
again: s%uiggly line drawings under neat 5tterlin s#ript! n a row
whi#h he had taken great pains to make straight& but whi#h was
nevertheless #rooked be#ause the paper was unlined& eight& twelve&
thirteen& fourteen une%ually flattened #ir#les and on every kidney a
wartlike knob& and from ea#h wart a bar the length of a thumbnail&
pro?e#ting beyond the lopsided boiler toward the left edge of the
paper! *nd on ea#h of these tanks )) for #lumsy as the drawings
were& re#ognized the Russian T)8O )) there was a mark& mostly
between turret and boiler& a #ross indi#ating a hit! *nd in addition ))
evidently the artist didn't e$pe#t the viewers of his work to be very
bright )) all fourteen of the T)8Os )) yes& 'm pretty sure there were
fourteen of them )) were #an#eled very emphati#ally with large
#rosses in blue pen#il!
Fuite pleased with myself& e$plained to Mahlke's aunt that the
drawings obviously represented tanks that >oa#him had kno#ked out!
"ut Mahlke's aunt didn't show the least surprise& plenty of people had
already told her that& but what she #ouldn't understand was why there
were sometimes more& sometimes fewer of them& on#e only eight
and& in the letter before last& twenty)seven!
(Maybe it's be#ause the mails are so irregular! "ut now& Mr!
@ilenz& you must read what our >oa#him writes! -e mentions you too&
in #onne#tion with #andles& but we've already got some!( barely
skimmed through the letter: Mahlke was thoughtful& in%uiring about all
his aunt's and mother's ma?or and minor ailments )) the letter was
addressed to both of them )) vari#ose veins& pains in the ba#k& and so
on! -e asked for news of the garden: (Did the plum tree bear well this
yearA -ow are my #a#tuses doingA( ;nly a few words about his
duties& whi#h he #alled fatiguing and responsible: (;f #ourse we have
our losses! "ut the "lessed 3irgin will prote#t me as in the past!(
Would his mother and aunt kindly give :ather Gusewski one or if
possible two #andles for the altar of ;ur 2adyA *nd then: (Maybe
@ilenz #an get you some= they have #oupons!( -e furthermore asked
them to offer prayers to 5t! >udas Thaddaeus )) a nephew twi#e)
removed of the 3irgin Mary& Mahlke knew his -oly :amily )) and also
have a Mass said for his late lamented father& who (left us without
re#eiving the sa#raments!( *t the end of the letter& more trifles and
some pale lands#ape painting: (Iou #an't imagine how run)down
everything is here& how wret#hed the people are and all the many
#hildren! 4o ele#tri#ity or running water! 5ometimes begin to wonder
what it's all for& but suppose it has to be! *nd someday if you feel
like it and the weather is good& take the #ar out to "rBsen )) but dress
warmly )) and look out to the left of the harbor mouth& but not so far
out& to see whether the superstru#ture of a sunken ship is still there!
There used to be an old wre#k there! Iou #an see it with the naked
eye& and *untie has her glasses )) it would interest me to know if it's
still! ! !(
said to Mahlke's aunt: (Iou #an spare yourself the ride! The
barge is still in the same pla#e! *nd give >oa#him my best when you
write! -e #an set his mind at rest& nothing #hanges around here& and
nobody's likely to walk off with the barge!(
*nd even if the 5#hi#hau Do#kyards had walked off with it& that
is& raised it& s#rapped or refitted it& would it have done you any goodA
Would you have stopped s#ribbling Russian tanks with #hildish
pre#ision on your letters and #rossing them off with blue pen#ilA *nd
who #ould have s#rapped the 3irginA *nd who #ould have bewit#hed
our good old s#hool and turned it into birdseedA *nd the #at and the
mouseA *re there stories that #an #ease to beA
Chapter
$I
With Mahlke's s#ribbled testimonials before my eyes& had to
live through three more days at home! My mother was devoting her
attentions to a #onstru#tion foreman from the ;rganisation Todt )) or
maybe she was still #ooking the saltless)diet dishes that found the
way to 2ieutenant 5tiewe's heart )) one of these gentlemen at any
rate had made himself at home in our apartment and& apparently
unaware of the symbolism of the thing& was wearing the slippers my
father had broken in! n an atmosphere of #ozy #omfort that might
have been #ut out of a woman's magazine& my mother bustled from
one room to the ne$t in mourning= bla#k was be#oming to her& she
wore it to go out and she wore it to stay in! ;n the sideboard she had
ere#ted a kind of altar for my fallen brother: first in a bla#k frame and
under glass a passport photo enlarged past re#ognition& showing him
as a sergeant but without the visor #ap= se#ond& similarly framed and
#overed with glass& the death noti#es from the or"osten and the
Neueste Na#hri#hten6 third& she had tied up a pa#ket of his letters in
a bla#k silk ribbon= to whi#h& fourth& she had appended the ron
.rosses& first and se#ond #lass& and the .rimean Medal& and pla#ed
the bundle to the left of the photographs= while fifth and on the right&
my brother's violin and bow& resting on some musi# paper with notes
on it )) my brother had tried his hand at #omposing violin sonatas ))
formed a #ounterweight to the letters!
f today o##asionally miss my elder brother Claus& whom
s#ar#ely knew& what felt at the time was mostly ?ealousy on a##ount
of that altar= visualized my own enlarged photo thus framed in bla#k&
felt slighted& and often #hewed my fingernails when was alone in our
living room with my brother's altar& whi#h refused to be ignored!
;ne fine morning as the lieutenant lay on the #ou#h
preo##upied with his stoma#h and my mother in the kit#hen #ooked
saltless gruel& would #ertainly have smashed that altar )) photo&
death noti#es& and perhaps the fiddle as well= my fist would have lost
its temper without #onsulting me! "ut before that #ould happen& my
departure date #ame& depriving me of a s#ene that would still be
stageworthy: so well had death in the Cuban& my mother by the
sideboard& and & the great pro#rastinator& prepared the s#ript!
nstead& mar#hed off with my imitation)leather suit#ase& and took the
train to Conitz via "erent! :or three months between ;s#he and
Reetz& had o##asion to familiarize myself with Tu#hler -eath!
6verywhere wind and sand! 5pring days to gladden the hearts of
inse#t lovers! Rolling& round ?uniper berries! Wherever you turned&
bushes and things to take aim at: the idea was to hit the two
#ardboard soldiers behind the fourth bush on the left! ;ver the
bir#hes and butterflies beautiful #louds with no pla#e to go! n the
bogs& #ir#ular& shiny)dark ponds where you #ould fish with hand
grenades for per#h and moss)#overed #arp! 4ature wherever you
looked! *nd movies in Tu#hel!
4evertheless and in spite of bir#hes& #louds& and per#h& #an
give only a rough sket#h& as in a sandbo$& of this 2abor 5ervi#e
battalion with its #ompound of sha#ks nestling in a #opse& its flagpole&
garbage pits& and off to one side of the s#hool sha#k& its latrine! My
only ?ustifi#ation for telling you even this mu#h is that a year before
me& before Winter& >rgen Cupka& and "ansemer& the Great Mahlke
had worn denims and #lodhoppers in the same #ompound& and
literally left his name behind him: in the latrine& a roofless wooden bo$
plunked down amid the broom and the overhead murmuring of the
s#rub pines! -ere the two syllables )) no first name )) were #arved& or
rather #hipped& into a pine board a#ross from the throne& and below
the name& in flawless 2atin& but in an unrounded& runi# sort of s#ript&
the beginning of his favorite se%uen#e: )ta/at Mater do$orosa. . . The
:ran#is#an monk >a#opone da Todi would have been ever so
pleased& but all it meant to me was that even in the 2abor 5ervi#e
#ouldn't get rid of Mahlke! :or while relieved myself& while the
maggot)ridden dross of my age group a##umulated behind me and
under me& you gave me and my eyes no pea#e: loudly and in
breathless repetition& a painstakingly in#ised te$t #alled attention to
Mahlke& whatever might de#ide to whistle in opposition!
*nd yet am sure that Mahlke had had no intention of ?oking!
Mahlke #ouldn't ?oke! -e sometimes tried! "ut everything he did&
tou#hed& or said be#ame solemn& signifi#ant& monumental= so also his
runi# ins#ription in the pine wood of a Rei#h 2abor 5ervi#e latrine
named Tu#hel)4orth& between ;s#he and Reetz! Digestive
aphorisms& lines from lewd songs& #rude or stylized anatomy ))
nothing helped! Mahlke's te$t drowned out all the more or less wittily
formulated obs#enities whi#h& #arved or s#ribbled from top to bottom
of the latrine wall& gave tongues to wooden boards!
What with the a##ura#y of the %uotation and the awesome
se#re#y of the pla#e& might almost have got religion in the #ourse of
time! *nd then this gloomy #ons#ien#e of mine wouldn't be driving me
to do underpaid so#ial work in a settlement house& wouldn't spend
my time trying to dis#over early .ommunism in 4azareth or late
.hristianity in <krainian kolkhozes! should at last be delivered from
these all)night dis#ussions with :ather *lban& from trying to
determine& in the #ourse of endless investigations& to what e$tent
blasphemy #an take the pla#e of prayer! should be able to believe&
to believe something& no matter what& perhaps even to believe in the
resurre#tion of the flesh! "ut one day after had been #hopping
kindling in the battalion kit#hen& took the a$ and ha#ked Mahlke's
favorite se%uen#e out of the board and eradi#ated your name!
t was the old story of the spot that found no takers& kind of
grisly)moral and trans#endent= for the empty pat#h of wood with its
fresh fibers spoke more elo%uently than the #hipped ins#ription!
"esides& your message must have spread with the shavings& for in
the barra#ks& between kit#hen& guardroom& and dressing room&
stories as tall as a house began to go around& espe#ially on 5undays
when boredom took to #ounting flies! The stories were always the
same& varying only in minor detail! *bout a 2abor 5ervi#e man named
Mahlke& who had served a good year before in Tu#hel)4orth battalion
and must have done some mighty sensational things! Two tru#k
drivers& the #ook& and the room orderly had been there the whole
time& every shipment had passed them by! Without signifi#antly
#ontradi#ting one another& they spoke roughly as follows: (This is how
he looked the first day! -air down to here! Well& they sent him to the
barber! Don't make me laugh! -e needed more than a barber: ears
like an egg beater and a ne#k& a ne#k& what a ne#kD -e also had! ! !
and on#e when! ! ! and for instan#e when he! ! ! but the most
amazing thing about him was when sent the whole pa#k of new
re#ruits to Tu#hel to be deloused be#ause as room orderly ! ! ! When
they were all under the shower& says to myself& my eyes are playing
tri#ks on me& so look again& and says to myself& mustn't get
envious now& but that di#k of his& take it from me& a monster& when he
got e$#ited it would stand up to or maybe more& anyway he made
good use of it with the #ommander's wife& a strapping pie#e of in her
forties& be#ause the damn)fool #ommander )) he's been transferred to
:ran#e& a nut )) sent him over to his house& the se#ond from the left
in ;ffi#ers' Row& to build a rabbit hut#h! *t first Mahlke& that was his
name& refused& no he didn't fly off the handle& he ?ust %uietly %uoted
#hapter and verse from the 5ervi#e regulations! That didn't do him a
bit of good! The #hief personally #hewed his ass out till he #ould
hardly and for the ne$t two days he was shoveling shit in the latrine!
hosed him off from a respe#tful distan#e& be#ause the boys wouldn't
let him into the washroom! :inally he gave in and went toddling over
with tools and boards! *ll that fuss over rabbitsD -e must have really
s#rewed that old ladyD 6very day for more than a week she sent for
him to work in the garden= every morning Mahlke toddled off and was
ba#k again for roll #all! "ut that rabbit hut#h wasn't making any
headway at all& so finally it dawned on the #hief! don't know if he
#aught them bare ass& maybe on the kit#hen table or maybe between
the sheets like mamma and papa& anyway& he must have been stru#k
spee#hless when he saw Mahlke's& anyway he never said one word
about it here in the barra#ks: it's not hard to see why! *nd he sent
Mahlke off on offi#ial trips whenever he #ould to ;liva and ;$hBft for
spare parts& ?ust to get that stud and his nuts out of the battalion!
"e#ause the #hiefs old lady must have had mighty hot pants to ?udge
by the size of his you know! We still get rumors from the orderly
room: they #orrespond! 5eems there was more to it than se$! Iou
never know the whole story! *nd the very same Mahlke )) was there
)) smoked out a partisan ammunition dump single)handed near
Gross)"islaw! t's a wild story! * plain ordinary pond like there's so
many around here! We were out there partly for work& partly for field
training! We'd been lying beside this pond for half an hour& and
Mahlke keeps looking and looking& and finally he says: Wait a minute&
there's something fishy down there! The platoon leader& #an't
remember his name& grinned& so did we& but he said to go ahead!
"efore you #ould say boo& Mahlke has his #lothes off and dives into
the mu#k! *nd what do you know: the fourth time under& but not two
feet below the surfa#e& he finds the entran#e to an ultra)modern
ammunition dump with a hydrauli# loading system! *ll we had to do
was #arry the stuff away& four tru#kloads& and the #hief had to
#ommend him in front of the whole battalion! n spite of the business
with his old lady& they say he even put him in for a medal! -e was in
the *rmy when it #ame& but they sent it on! -e was going into the
tanks if they took him!(
restrained myself at first! The same with Winter& >rgen
Cupka& and "ansemer= we all #lammed up when the #onversation
#ame around to Mahike! When we #han#ed to pass ;ffi#ers' Row ))
on hikes or on our way to the supply room )) we would e$#hange
furtive smiles of #onnivan#e& for the se#ond house on the left still had
no rabbit hut#h! ;r a meaningful glan#e would pass between us
be#ause a #at lurked motionless in the gently waving grass! We
be#ame a kind of se#ret #lan& though wasn't very fond of Winter and
Cupka& and still less of "ansemer!
:our weeks before the end of our stint& the rumors began to
#reep in! @artisans had been a#tive in the region= we were on twenty)
four)hour alert& never out of our #lothes& though we never #aught
anybody and we ourselves suffered no losses! The same room
orderly who had issued Mahike his uniform and taken him to be
deloused brought the news from the offi#e: (n the first pla#e there's a
letter from Mahike to the former #ommander's wife! t's being
forwarded to :ran#e! n the se#ond pla#e& there's a letter from way
up& full of %uestions about Mahike! They're still working on it always
knew that Mahike had it in him! "ut he #ertainly hasn't let any grass
grow under his feet! n the old days you had to be an offi#er if you
wanted something ni#e to wrap around your ne#k& no matter how
badly it a#hed! 4owadays every enlisted man gets his #han#e! -e
must be ?ust about the youngest! 2ord& when think of him with those
ears! ! !(
*t that point words began to roll out of my mouth! Then Winter
spoke up! *nd >rgen Cupka and "ansemer had their own two #ents'
worth to put in!
(;h& Mahike! We've known him for years!(
(We had him in s#hool!(
(-e had a weakness for ne#kwear when he was only fourteen!(
(.hrist& yes! Remember when he swiped that lieutenant
#ommander's thingama?ig off the hook in gym #lass! -ere's how it! ! !(
(4aw& you gotta begin with the phonograph!(
(What about the #anned goodsA suppose that was nothing!
Right in the beginning he always wore a s#rewdriver! ! !(
(Wait a minuteD f you want to begin at the beginning& you'll
have to go ba#k to the 5#hlagball mat#h in -einri#h 6hlers :ield!
-ere's how it was: We're lying on the ground and Mahlke's asleep!
5o a gray #at #omes #reeping a#ross the field& heading straight for
Mahike! *nd when the #at sees that ne#k bobbing up and down& she
says to herself& my word& that's a mouse! *nd she ?umps! ! !(
(That's the bunk! @ilenz pi#ked up the #at and put it! ! ! Iou
going to tell me differentA(
Two days later we had offi#ial #onfirmation! t was announ#ed at
morning roll #all: * former 2abor 5ervi#e man from Tu#hel)4orth
battalion& serving first as a simple ma#hine)gunner& then as a
sergeant and tank #ommander& always in the thi#k of battle&
strategi#ally important position& so and so many Russian tanks& and
furthermore& et#etera et#etera!
;ur repla#ements were e$pe#ted and we were beginning to
turn in our rags when re#eived a #lipping that my mother had #ut out
of the or"osten. There it was printed in bla#k and white: * son of our
#ity& always in the thi#k of battle& first as a simple ma#hine)gunner&
later as a tank #ommander& and so on and so on!
CHAT!"
$II
Marl& sand& glittering bogs& bushes& slanting groups of pines&
ponds& hand grenades& #arp& #louds over bir#hes& partisans behind
the broom& ?uniper ?uniper Ggood old 2ons& the naturalist& had #ome
from around thereH& the movie house in Tu#hel )) all were left behind!
took nothing with me but my #ardboard suit#ase and a little bun#h of
tired heather! 6ven during the trip began irrationally but stubbornly
to look for Mahlke& while throwing the heather between the tra#ks
after Carthaus& in every suburban station and finally in .entral
5tation& outside the ti#ket windows& in the #rowds of soldiers who had
poured out of the furlough trams& in the doorway of the #ontrol offi#e&
and in the street#ar to 2angfuhr! felt ridi#ulous in my outgrown
#ivilian)s#hoolboy #lothes and #onvin#ed that everyone #ould read
my mind! didn't go home )) what had to hope for at homeA )) but
got out near our s#hool& at the 5ports @ala#e #ar stop!
left my suit#ase with the #aretaker& but asked him no
%uestions! 5ure of what to e$pe#t& ra#ed up the big granite stairway&
taking three or more steps at a time! 4ot that e$pe#ted to #at#h him
in the auditorium )) both doors stood open& but inside there were only
#leaning women& upending the ben#hes and s#rubbing them )) for
whomA turned off to the left: s%uat granite pillars good for #ooling
feverish foreheads! The marble memorial tablet for the dead of both
wars: still %uite a lot of room to spare! 2essing in his ni#he! .lasses
were in session& for the #orridors were empty& e$#ept for one spindle)
legged :ourth #arrying a rolled map through the all)pervading
o#tagonal sten#h! 8a )) 8b )) art room )) Na )) glass #ase for stuffed
mammals )) what was in it nowA * #at& of #ourse! "ut where was the
delirious mouseA @ast the #onferen#e room! *nd there at the end of
the #orridor& with the bright front window at his ba#k& between the
se#retariat and the prin#ipal's offi#e& stood the Great Mahlke&
mouseless )) for from his ne#k hung that very spe#ial arti#le& the
abra#adabra& the magnet& the e$a#t opposite of an onion& the
galvanized four)leaf #lover& good old 5#hinkel's brain #hild& the trinket&
the all)day su#ker& the thingama?ig& the willnotutterit!
*nd the mouseA t was asleep& hibernating in >une! 5lumbering
beneath a heavy blanket& for Mahlke had put on weight! 4ot that
anyone& fate or an author& had erased or obliterated it& as Ra#ine
obliterated the rat from his es#ut#heon& tolerating only the swan!
Mahlke's heraldi# animal was still the mouse& whi#h a#ted up in its
dreams when Mahlke swallowed= for from time to time the Great
Mahlke& notwithstanding his glorious de#oration& had to swallow!
-ow he lookedA have said that he had filled out in a#tion& not
too mu#h& about two thi#knesses of blotting paper! Iou were half
leaning& hair sitting on the white enameled window sill! Iou were
wearing the banditlike #ombination of bla#k and field)gray& #ommon
to all those who served in the Tank .orps: gray bloused pants
#on#ealed the shafts of bla#k& highly polished #ombat boots! The
bla#k& tight)fitting tanker's ?a#ket bun#hed up under the arms& making
them stand out like handles& but it was be#oming even so and made
you look frail in spite of the few pounds you had gained! 4o
de#orations on the ?a#ket! *nd yet you had both .rosses and some
other thing& but no wound insignia: the 3irgin had made you
invulnerable! t was perfe#tly understandable that there should be
nothing on the #hest to distra#t attention from the new eye)#at#her!
*round your waist a worn and negligently polished pistol belt& and
below it only a hand's breadth of goods& for the tanker's ?a#ket was
very short& whi#h is why it was sometimes #alled a monkey ?a#ket!
5agging from the weight of the pistol& whi#h hung down nearly to your
ass& the belt relieved the stiffness of your attitude and gave you a
lopsided& ?aunty look! "ut your gray field #ap sat straight and severe
without the then as now #ustomary tilt= a re#tilinear #rease down the
middle re#alled your old love of symmetry and the part that divided
your hair in your s#hoolboy and diving days& when you planned& or so
you said& to be#ome a #lown! 4evertheless& the Redeemer's hairdo
was gone! 6ven before #uring your #hroni# throat trouble with a pie#e
of metal& they must have given you the ludi#rous brush #ut whi#h was
then #hara#teristi# of re#ruits and today gives some of our pipe)
smoking intelle#tuals their air of fun#tional as#eti#ism! "ut the
#ountenan#e was still that of a redeemer: the eagle on your infle$ibly
verti#al #ap spread its wings over your brow like the dove of the -oly
Ghost! Thin skin& sensitive to the light! "la#kheads on fleshy nose!
2owered eyelids traversed by fine red veins! *nd when stood
breathless between you and the stuffed #at& your eyes s#ar#ely
widened!
* little ?oke: (Greetings& 5ergeant MahlkeD(
My ?oke fell flat! ('m waiting for Clohse! -e's giving a math
#lass somewhere!(
(-e'll be mighty pleased!(
( want to speak to him about the le#ture!(
(-ave you been in the auditoriumA(
(My le#ture's ready& every word of it!(
(-ave you seen the #leaning womenA They're s#rubbing down
the ben#hes!(
('ll look in later with Clohse! We'll have to dis#uss the seating
arrangement on the platform!(
(-e'll be mighty pleased!(
('m going to suggest that they limit the audien#e to students
from the lower Third up!(
(Does Clohse know you're waitingA(
(Miss -ers#hing from the se#retariat has gone in to tell him!(
(Well& he'll be mighty pleased!(
(My le#ture will be short but full of a#tion!(
( should think so! Good 2ord& man& how did you swing it so
%ui#kA(
(-ave a little patien#e& my dear @ilenz: all the #ir#umstan#es
will be dis#ussed in my le#ture!(
(My& won't Clohse be pleasedD(
('m going to ask him not to introdu#e me!(
(Mallenbrandt maybeA(
(The pro#tor #an announ#e the le#ture! That's enough!(
(Well& he'll be mighty! ! !(
The bell signal leaped from floor to floor& announ#ing that
#lasses were at an end! ;nly then did Mahlke open both eyes wide!
5hort& sparse lashes! -is bearing was meant to be free and easy& but
he was tensed to leap! Disturbed by something behind my ba#k&
turned half toward the glass #ase: the #at wasn't gray& more on the
bla#k side! t #rept unerringly toward us& dis#losing a white bib!
5tuffed #ats are able to #reep more #onvin#ingly than live ones! (The
Domesti# .at&( said a #alligraphed #ardboard sign! The bell stopped&
an aggressive stillness set in= the mouse woke up and the #at took on
more and more meaning! .onse%uently #ra#ked a little ?oke and
another little ?oke in the dire#tion of the window= said something
about his mother and his aunt= talked& in order to give him #ourage&
about his father& his father's lo#omotive& his father's death near
Dirs#hau& and his father's posthumous award for bravery: (-ow
happy your father would be if he were still aliveD(
"ut before had finished #on?uring up Mahlke's father and
persuading the mouse that there was no need to fear the #at& Dr!
Waldemar Clohse& our prin#ipal& stepped between us with his high&
smooth voi#e! Clohse uttered no #ongratulations& he didn't address
Mahlke as 5ergeant or "earer of the Thingama?ig& nor did he say& Mr!
Mahlke& am sin#erely pleased! *fter evin#ing a pointed interest in
my e$perien#e in the 2abor 5ervi#e and in the natural beauties of
Tu#hler -eath )) (you will remember that 2Bns grew up there( )) he
sent a trim #olumn of words mar#hing over Mahlke's field #ap: (5o
you see& Mahlke& you've made it after all! -ave you been to the -orst
Wessel 5#hoolA My esteemed #olleague& Dr! Wendt& will #ertainly be
glad to see you! feel sure that you will wish to deliver a little le#ture
for the benefit of your former s#hoolmates& to reinfor#e their
#onfiden#e in our armed for#es! Would you please step into my offi#e
for a momentA(
*nd the Great Mahlke& his arms raised like handles& followed
Dr! Clohse into the prin#ipal's offi#e and in the doorway whisked his
#ap off his stubblehead! ;h& that bumpy domeD * s#hoolboy in
uniform on his way to a solemn #onferen#e& the out#ome of whi#h
did not wait for& although was #urious to know what the already
wide)awake and enterprising mouse would say& after the interview& to
that #at whi#h though stuffed had never #eased to #reep!
4asty little triumphD ;n#e again en?oyed my moment of
superiority! >ust wait and seeD -e #an't won't #an't give in! 'll help
him! 'll speak to Clohse! 'll find words to tou#h his heart! Too bad
they've taken @apa "runies to 5tutthof! -e'd #ome out with his good
old 6i#hendorff in his po#ket and e$tend a helping hand!
"ut no one #ould help Mahlke! @erhaps if had spoken to
Clohse! "ut did speak to him= for half an hour let him blow
peppermint breath in my fa#e! was #rushed& and my answer was
very feeble: ("y all reasonable standards& sir& you are probably right!
"ut #ouldn't you in view of& mean& in this parti#ular #aseA ;n the
one hand& understand you perfe#tly! Ies& it #an't be denied& a s#hool
has to have dis#ipline! What's done #an't be undone& but on the other
hand& and be#ause he was so young when he lost his father! ! !(
*nd spoke to :ather Gusewski& and to Tulla& whom asked to
speak to 5tBrtebeker and his gang! went to see my former group
leader in the Ioung :olk! -e had a wooden leg from .rete and was
sitting behind a desk in the se#tion head%uarters on Winterplatz! -e
was delighted with my proposal and #ursed all s#hoolmasters: (5ure
thing& we'll do it! "ring him over! dimly remember him! Wasn't there
some sort of troubleA :orget it! 'll drum up the biggest #rowd #an!
6ven the 2eague of German Girls and the Women's *sso#iation!
#an get a hall a#ross from the postal administration& seats three
hundred and fifty! ! !(
:ather Gusewski wanted to gather his old ladies and a dozen
.atholi# workers in the sa#risty& for the publi# meeting halls were not
available to him!
(@erhaps& to bring his talk into line with the #on#erns of the
.hur#h&( :ather Gusewski suggested& (your friend #ould say
something about 5t! George to begin with and #on#lude with a word
or two about the power of prayer in times of great distress!( -e was
eagerly looking forward to the le#ture!
The young delin%uents asso#iated with 5tBrtebeker and Tulla
@okriefke thought they had a #ellar that would fill the bill! * youngster
by the name of Rennwand& whom knew slightly )) he served as an
altar boy in the .hur#h of the 5a#red -eart )) spoke of the pla#e in
the most mysterious terms: Mahlke would need a safe)#ondu#t and
would have to surrender his pistol! (;f #ourse we'll have to blindfold
him on the way! *nd he'll have to sign a pledge not to tell a living
soul& but that's a mere formality! ;f #ourse we'll pay well& either in
#ash or in *rmy wat#hes! We don't do anything for nothing and we&
don't e$pe#t him to!(
"ut Mahlke a##epted none of these possibilities& and he was
not interested in pay! tried to prod him: (What do you want anywayA
4othing's good enough for you! Why don't you go out to Tu#hel)
4orthA There's a new bat#h of re#ruits! The room orderly and the
#ook remember you! 'm sure they'd be pleased as @un#h to have
you make a spee#h!(
Mahlke listened #almly to all my suggestions& smiling in pla#es&
nodded assent& asked pra#ti#al %uestions about organizing the
meeting in %uestion& and on#e the obsta#les were disposed of&
tersely and morosely re?e#ted every single proposition& even an
invitation from the regional party head%uarters& for from the start he
had but one aim in mind: the auditorium of our s#hool! -e wanted to
stand in the dust)swarming light that tri#kled through 4eo)Gothi#
ogival windows! -e wanted to address the sten#h of three hundred
s#hoolboys& farting high and farting low! -e wanted the whetted
s#alps of his former tea#hers around him and behind him! -e wanted
to fa#e the oil painting at the end of the auditorium& showing "aron
von .onradi& founder of the s#hool& #aseous and immortal beneath
heavy varnish! -e wanted to enter the auditorium through one of the
old)brown folding doors and after a brief& perhaps pointed spee#h& to
leave through the other= but Clohse& in kni#kers with small #he#ks&
stood barring both doors at on#e: (*s a soldier& Mahlke& you ought to
realize! 4o& the #leaning women were s#rubbing the ben#hes for no
parti#ular reason& not for you& not for your le#ture! Iour plan may
have been e$#ellently #on#eived& but it #annot be e$e#uted!
Remember this& Mahlke: There are many mortals who love e$pensive
#arpets but are #ondemned to die on plain floorboards! Iou must
learn renun#iation& Mahlke!(
Clohse #ompromised ?ust a little! -e #alled a meeting of the
fa#ulties of both s#hools& whi#h de#ided that (Dis#iplinary
#onsiderations make it imperative! ! !(
*nd the "oard of 6du#ation #onfirmed Clohse's report to the
effe#t that a former student& whose past history& even though he& but
parti#ularly in view of the troubled and momentous times& though
without wishing to e$aggerate the importan#e of an offense whi#h& it
must be admitted& was none too re#ent& nevertheless and be#ause
the #ase is uni%ue of its kind& the fa#ulty of both s#hools has agreed
that! ! !
*nd Clohse wrote a purely personal letter! *nd Mahlke read that
Clohse was not free to a#t as his heart desired! <nfortunately& the
times and #ir#umstan#es were su#h that an e$perien#ed
s#hoolmaster& #ons#ious of his professional responsibilities& #ould not
follow the simple& paternal di#tates of his heart= in the interests of the
s#hool& he must re%uest manly #o)operation in #onformity to the old
.onradinian spirit= he would gladly attend the le#ture whi#h Mahlke&
soon& he hoped& and without bitterness& would deliver at the -orst
Wessel 5#hool= unless he preferred& like a true hero& to #hoose the
better part of spee#h and remain silent!
"ut the Great Mahlke had started down a path resembling that
tunnel)like& overgrown& thorny& and birdless path in ;liva .astle @ark&
whi#h had no forks or byways but was nonetheless a labyrinth! n the
daytime he slept& played ba#kgammon with his aunt& or sat listless
and ina#tive& apparently waiting for his furlough to be over! "ut at
night he #rept with me )) behind him& never ahead of him& seldom by
his side )) through the 2angfuhr night! ;ur wanderings were not
aimless: we #on#entrated on "aumba#hallee& a %uiet& genteel&
#ons#ientiously bla#ked)out lane& where nightingales sang and Dr!
Clohse lived! weary behind his uniformed ba#k: (Don't be an ass!
Iou #an see it's impossible! *nd what differen#e does it makeA The
few days' furlough you've got left! Good 2ord& man& don't be an
ass! ! !(
"ut the Great Mahlke wasn't interested in my tedious appeals to
reason! -e had a different melody in his protuberant ears! <ntil two in
the morning we besieged "aumba#hallee and its two nightingales!
Twi#e he was not alone& and we had to let him pass! "ut when after
four nights of vigilan#e& at about eleven o'#lo#k& Dr! Clohse turned in
from 5#hwarzer Weg alone& tall and thin in kni#kers but without hat or
#oat& for the air was balmy& and #ame striding up "aumba#hallee& the
Great Mahlke's left hand shot out and seized Clohse's shirt #ollar with
its #ivilian tie! -e pushed the s#hoolman against the forged)iron
fen#e& behind whi#h bloomed roses whose fragran#e )) be#ause it
was so dark )) was overpowering& louder even than the voi#es of the
nightingales! *nd taking the advi#e Clohse had given him in his letter&
Mahlke #hose the better part of spee#h& heroi# silen#e= without a
word he stru#k the s#hool prin#ipal's smooth)shaven fa#e left right
with the ba#k and palm of his hand! "oth men stiff and formal! ;nly
the sound of the slaps alive and elo%uent= for Clohse too kept his
small mouth #losed& not wishing to mi$ peppermint breath with the
s#ent of the roses!
That happened on a Thursday and took less than a minute! We
left Clohse standing by the iron fen#e! That is to say& Mahlke about)
fa#ed and strode in his #ombat boots a#ross the gravel)strewn
sidewalk beneath the red maple tree& whi#h was not red at night but
formed a bla#k s#reen between us and the sky! tried to give Clohse
something resembling an apology& for Mahlke )) and for myself! The
slapped man waved me away= he no longer looked slapped but stood
stiff as a ramrod& his dark silhouette& sustained by roses and the
voi#es of rare birds& embodying the s#hool& its founder& the
.onradinian spirit& the .onradinum= for that was the name of our
s#hool!
*fter that we ra#ed through lifeless suburban streets& and from
that moment on neither of us had a word to spare for Clohse! Mahlke
talked and talked& with e$aggerated #oolness& of problems that
seemed to trouble him at that age )) and myself& too& to some e$tent!
5u#h as: s there a life after deathA ;r: Do you believe in
transmigrationA ('ve been reading %uite a bit of Cierkegaard lately&(
he informed me! *nd (you must be sure to read Dostoevski! 2ater&
when you're in Russia! t will help you to understand all sorts of
things& the mentality and so on!(
5everal times we stood on bridges a#ross the 5triessba#h& a
rivulet full of horse lee#hes! t was pleasant to lean over the railing
and wait for rats! 6a#h bridge made the #onversation shift from
s#hoolboy banalities )) erudition& for instan#e& about the armor plate&
firepower& and speed of the world's battleships )) to religion and the
so)#alled last %uestions! ;n the little 4eus#hottland bridge we gazed
for a long while at the star)studded >une sky and then )) ea#h for
himself )) into the stream! Mahlke in an undertone& while below us the
shallow outlet of *ktien @ond& #arrying away the yeasty vapors of
*ktien "rewery& broke over shoals of tin #ans: (;f #ourse don't
believe in God! -e's ?ust a swindle to stultify the people! The only
thing believe in is the 3irgin Mary! That's why 'm never going to get
married!(
There was a senten#e su##in#t and insane enough to be
spoken on a bridge! t has stayed with me! Whenever a brook or
#anal is spanned by a small bridge& whenever there is a gurgling
down below and water breaking against the rubbish whi#h disorderly
people the world over throw from bridges into rivulets and #anals&
Mahlke stands beside me in #ombat boots and tanker's monkey
?a#ket& leaning over the rail so that the big thingama?ig on his ne#k
hangs down verti#al& a solemn #lown triumphing over #at and mouse
with his irrefutable faith: (;f #ourse not in God! * swindle to stultify
the people! There's only Mary! 'll never get married!(
*nd he uttered a good many more words whi#h fell into the
5triessba#h! @ossibly we #ir#led Ma$)-albe)@latz ten times& ra#ed
twelve times up and down -eeresanger! 5tood unde#ided at the
terminus of 2ine 4o! N! 2ooked on& not without hunger& as the
street#ar #ondu#tors and mar#elled #ondu#torettes& sitting in the
blued)out trailer& bit into sandwi#hes and drank out of thermos bottles!
! ! !and then #ame a #ar )) or should have )) in whi#h the
#ondu#torette under the #o#ked #ap was Tulla @okriefke& who had
been drafted as a wartime helper several weeks before! We'd have
spoken to her and would #ertainly have made a date with her if she
had been working on 2ine 4o! N! "ut as it was& we saw only her little
profile behind the dark)blue glass and we were not sure!
said: (Iou ought to give it a try with her!(
Mahlke& tormented: ( ?ust told you that 'm never going to get
married!(
: (t would #heer you up!(
-e: (*nd who's going to #heer me up afterwardA(
tried to ?oke: (The 3irgin Mary of #ourse!(
-e had misgivings: (What if she's offendedA(
offered my help! (f you want me to& 'll be Gusewski's altar boy
tomorrow morning!(
was amazed at the ala#rity with whi#h he said: (t's a dealD(
*nd he went off toward the trailer whi#h still held out the promise of
Tulla @okriefke's profile in a #ondu#tor's #ap! "efore he got in& #alled
out: (5ay& how mu#h more furlough have you got leftA(
*nd from the door of the trailer the Great Mahlke said: (My train
left four and a half hours ago! f nothing has gone wrong& it must be
pulling into Modlin!(
Chapter
$III
"Misereatur vestri omni"otens Deus, et, dimissis "e##atis
vestris . . ." The words issued light as a soap bubble from :ather
Gusewski's pursed lips& glittered in all the #olors of the rainbow&
swayed hesitantly& broke loose from the hidden reed& and rose at last&
mirroring windows& the altar& the 3irgin& mirroring you me everything
)) and burst painlessly& stru#k by the bubbles of the absolution:
"8ndu$!entiam, a/so$utionem et remissionem "e##atorum
vestrorum . . ." and the moment these new bubbles of spirit were
pri#ked in their turn by the *men of the seven or eight faithful&
Gusewski elevated the host and began with full)rounded lips to blow
the big bubble& the bubble of bubbles! :or a moment it trembled
terror)stri#ken in the draft= then with the bright)red tip of his tongue&
he sent it aloft= and it rose and rose until at length it fell and passed
away& #lose to the se#ond pew fa#ing the altar of ;ur 2ady: "9##e
'!nus Dei. . ."
;f those taking #ommunion& Mahlke was first to kneel! -e knelt
before the (2ordamnotworthythatthoushouldstenterundermyroof( had
been repeated three times! 6ven before steered Gusewski down the
altar steps to the #ommuni#ants' rail& he leaned his head ba#k& so
that his fa#e& peaked after a sleepless night& lay parallel to the
whitewashed #on#rete #eiling& and parted his lips with his tongue! *
moment's wait& while over his head the priest makes a small %ui#k
sign of the .ross with the wafer intended for this #ommuni#ant!
5weat oozed from Mahlke's pores and formed glistening beads whi#h
%ui#kly broke& pun#tured by the stubble of his beard! -is eyes stood
out as though boiled! @ossibly the bla#kness of his tanker's ?a#ket
enhan#ed the pallor of his fa#e! Despite the wooliness of his tongue&
he did not swallow! n humble self)effa#ement the iron ob?e#t that had
rewarded his #hildish s#ribbling and #rossing)out of so and so many
Russian tanks& #rossed itself and lay motionless over his top #ollar
button! t was only when :ather Gusewski laid the host on Mahlke's
tongue and Mahlke partook of the light pastry& that you swallowed=
and then the thingama?ig ?oined in!
2et us all three #elebrate the sa#rament& on#e more and
forever: Iou kneel& stand behind dry skin! 5weat distends your
pores! The reverend father deposits the host on your #oated tongue!
*ll three of us have ?ust ended on the same syllable& whereupon a
me#hanism pulls your tongue ba#k in! 2ips sti#k together!
@ropagation of sobs& the big thingama?ig trembles& and know that
the Great Mahlke will leave 5t! Mary's .hapel fortified& his sweat will
dry= if immediately afterward drops of moisture glistened on his fa#e&
they were raindrops! t was drizzling!
n the dry sa#risty Gusewski said: (-e must be waiting outside!
Maybe we should #all him in& but! ! !(
said: (Don't worry& :ather! ('ll take #are of him!(
Gusewski& his hands busy with the sa#hets of lavender in the
#loset: (Iou don't think he'll do anything rashA(
:or on#e made no move to help him out of his vestments:
(Iou'd better keep out of it& :ather!( "ut to Mahlke& when he stood
before me wet in his uniform& said: (Iou damn fool& what are you
hanging around here forA Get down to the assembly point on
-o#hstriess! Tell them some story about missing your train! refuse
to have anything to do with it!(
With those words should have left him& but stayed and got
wet! Rain is a binder! tried to reason with him: (They won't bite your
head off if you're %ui#k about it! Tell them something was wrong with
your mother or your aunt!(
Mahlke nodded when made a point& let his lower ?aw sag from
time to time& and laughed for no reason! Then suddenly he bubbled
over: (t was wonderful last night with the @okriefke kid! wouldn't
have thought it! 5he's not the way she puts on! *ll right& 'll tell you
the honest truth: it's be#ause of her that don't want to go ba#k!
5eems to me that 've done my bit )) wouldn't you say soA 'm going
to put in a petition! They #an ship me out to Gross)"os#hpol as an
instru#tor! 2et other people be brave! t's not that 'm s#ared& 've ?ust
had enough! .an you understand thatA(
refused to fall for his nonsense= pinned him down! (;ho& so
it's all on a##ount of the @okriefke kid! -ell& that wasn't her! 5he
works on the 4o! L 2ine to ;liva& not on the 4o! N! 6verybody knows
that! Iou're s#ared shitless& that's all! #an see how you feel!(
-e was determined that there should be something between
them! (Iou #an take my word for it about Tulla! The fa#t is she took
me home with her& lives on 6lsenstrasse! -er mother doesn't mind!
"ut you're right& 've had my bellyful! Maybe 'm s#ared too! was
s#ared before Mass! t's better now!(
( thought you didn't believe in God and all that stuff!(
(That's got nothing to do with it!(
(;C& forget it! *nd now whatA(
(Maybe 5tBrtebeker and the boys #ould! ! ! Iou know them
pretty well& don't youA(
(4o di#e! 'm having no further dealings with those #hara#ters!
t's not healthy! Iou should have asked the @okriefke kid in #ase you
really! ! !(
(Wise up! #an't show my fa#e on ;sterzeile! f they're not
there already& it won't be long )) say& #ould hide in your #ellar& ?ust for
a few daysA(
That too stru#k me as unhealthy! (Iou've got other pla#es to
hide! What about your relatives in the #ountryA ;r in Tulla's un#le's
woodshed! ! ! ;r on the barge!(
:or a while the word hung in mid)air! (n this filthy weatherA(
Mahlke said! "ut the thing was already de#ided= and though refused
stubbornly and proli$ly to go with him& though too spoke of the filthy
weather& it gradually be#ame apparent that would have to go: rain is
a binder!
We spent a good hour tramping from 4eus#hottland to
5#hellmhl and ba#k& and then down the endless @osedowskiweg!
We took shelter in the lee of at least two advertising pillars& bearing
always the same posters warning the publi# against those sinister
and unpatrioti# figures .oalthief and 5pendthrift& and then we
resumed our tramp! :rom the main entran#e of the Women's -ospital
we saw the familiar ba#kdrop: behind the railroad embankment& the
gable roof and spire of the sturdy old .onradinum= but he wasn't
looking or he saw something else! Then we stood for half an hour in
the shelter of the Rei#hskolonie #ar stop& under the e#hoing tin roof
with three or four grade)s#hool boys! *t first they spent the time
roughhousing and pushing ea#h other off the ben#h! Mahlke had his
ba#k turned to them& but it didn't help! Two of them #ame up with
open #opybooks and said something in broad diale#t! (*ren't you
supposed to be in s#hoolA( asked!
(4ot until nine! n #ase we de#ide to go!(
(Well& hand them over& but make it fast!(
Mahlke wrote his name and rank in the upper left)hand #orner
of the last page of both #opybooks! They were not satisfied& they
wanted the e$a#t number of tanks he had kno#ked out )) and Mahlke
gave in= as though filling out a money order blank& he wrote the
number first in figures& then in letters! Then he had to write his pie#e
in two more #opybooks! was about to take ba#k my fountain pen
when one of the kids asked: (Where'd you kno#k 'em off& in "? Elgerott
+"yelgorod, or 5#hietemier +Shitomir,A(
Mahlke ought ?ust to have nodded and they would have
subsided! "ut he whispered in a hoarse voi#e: (4o& most of them
around Covel& "rody& and "rzezany! *nd in *pril when we kno#ked
out the :irst *rmored .orps at "u#za#z!(
The youngsters wanted it all in writing and again had to
uns#rew the fountain pen! They #alled two more of their
#ontemporaries in out of the rain! t was always the same ba#k that
held still for the others to write on! -e wanted to stret#h& he would
have liked to hold out his own #opybook= they wouldn't let him: there's
always one fall guy! Mahlke had to write Covel and "rody)"rzezany&
.herkassy and "u#za#z! -is hand shook more and more& and again
the sweat oozed from his pores! Fuestions spurted from their grubby
fa#es: (Was ya in CriewEuro#k +Crivoi Rog, tooA( 6very mouth open!
n every mouth teeth missing! @aternal grandfather's eyes! 6ars from
the mother's side! *nd ea#h one had nostrils: (*nd where dya think
they'll send ya ne$tA(
(-e ain't allowed to tell! What's the use of askingA(
( bet he's gonna be in the invasion!(
(They're keepin 'im for after the war!(
(*sk him if he's been at the :hrer's -FA(
(-ow about it& <n#leA(
(.an't you see he's a sergeantA(
(Iou gotta pi#tureA(
( '.ause we #olle#t 'em!(
(-ow mu#h more furlough time ya gotA(
(Ieah& whenner ya leavinA(
(Ia still be here tomorrowA(
(Ieah& when's yer time upA(
Mahlke fought his way out& stumbling over sat#hels! My
fountain pen stayed in the shelter! Marathon through #rosshat#hing!
5ide by side through puddles: rain is a binder! t was only after we
passed the stadium that the boys fell ba#k! "ut still they shouted after
us= they had no intention of going to s#hool! To this day they want to
return my fountain pen!
When we rea#hed the kit#hen gardens outside 4eus#hottland&
we stopped to #at#h our breath! had a rage inside me and my rage
was getting kittens! thrust an a##using forefinger at the a##ursed
thingama?ig and Mahlke %ui#kly removed it from his ne#k! 2ike the
s#rewdriver years before& it was atta#hed to a shoela#e! Mahlke
wanted to give it to me& but shook my head! (-ell& no& but thanks for
nothing!(
"ut he didn't toss the s#rap metal into the wet bushes= he had a
ba#k po#ket
-ow am going to get out of hereA The gooseberries behind
the makeshift fen#es were unripe: Mahlke began to pi#k with both
hands! My prete$t #ast about for words! -e gobbled and spat out
skins! (Wait for me here& 'll be ba#k in half an hour! Iou've got to
have something to eat or you won't last long on the barge!(
f Mahlke had said ("e sure you #ome ba#k&( would have lit
out for good! -e s#ar#ely nodded as left= with all ten fingers he was
rea#hing through the fen#e laths at the bushes= his mouth full of
berries& he #ompelled loyalty: rain is a binder!
Mahlke's aunt opened the door! Good that his mother wasn't
home! #ould have taken some edibles from our house& but thought:
What's he got his family forA "esides& was #urious about his aunt!
was disappointed! 5he stood there in her kit#hen apron and asked no
%uestions! Through open doors #ame the smell of something that
makes teeth s%ueak: rhubarb was being #ooked at the Mahlkes'!
(We're giving a little party for >oa#him! We've got plenty of stuff
to drink& but in #ase we get hungry ! ! !(
Without a word she went to the kit#hen and #ame ba#k with two
two)pound #ans of pork! 5he also had a #an opener& but it wasn't the
same one that Mahlke had brought up from the barge when he found
the #anned frogs' legs in the galley! While she was out wondering
what to give me )) the Mahlkes always had their #upboards full&
relatives in the #ountry )) stood restless in the hallway& gazing at the
photograph of Mahlke's father and :ireman 2abuda! The lo#omotive
had no steam up! The aunt #ame ba#k with a shopping net and some
newspaper to wrap the #ans and #an opener in! ("efore you eat the
pork&( she said& (you'll have to warm it up some! f you don't& it'll be
too heavy= it'll sit on your stoma#h!(
f asked before leaving whether anyone had been around
asking for >oa#him& the answer was no! "ut didn't ask& ?ust turned
around in the doorway and said: (>oa#him sends you his love&(
though Mahlke hadn't sent anything at all& not even to his mother!
-e wasn't #urious either when reappeared between the
gardens in the same rain& hung the net on a fen#e lath& and stood
rubbing my strangled fingers! -e was still gobbling unripe
gooseberries& #ompelling me& like his aunt& to worry about his
physi#al well)being: (Iou're going to upset your stoma#h! 2et's get
going!( "ut even then he stripped three handfuls from the dripping
bushes and filled his pants po#kets! *s we looped around
4eus#hottland and the housing development between Wolfsweg and
"Erenweg& he was still spitting out hard gooseberry skins! *s we
stood on the rear platform of the street#ar trailer and the rainy airfield
passed by to the left of us& he was still pouring them in!
-e was getting on my nerves with his gooseberries! "esides&
the rain was letting up! The gray turned milky= made me feel like
getting out and leaving him alone with his gooseberries! "ut only
said: (They've already #ome asking about you! Two plain)#lothes
men!(
(ReallyA( -e spat out the skins on the platform floor! (What
about my motherA Does she knowA(
(Iour mother wasn't there! ;nly your aunt!(
(Must have been shopping!(
( doubt it(
(Then she was over at the 5#hielkes' helping with the ironing!(
('m sorry to say she wasn't there either!(
(2ike some gooseberriesA(
(5he's been taken down to the military distri#t! wasn't going to
tell you!(
We were almost in "rBsen before Mahlke ran out of
gooseberries! "ut as we #rossed the bea#h& in whi#h the rain had #ut
its pattern& he was still sear#hing his sopping po#kets for more! *nd
when the Great Mahlke heard the sea slapping against the bea#h
and his eyes saw the "alti#& the barge as a far)off ba#kdrop& and the
shadows of a few ships in the roadstead& he said: ( #an't swim!(
Though had already taken off my shoes and pants! The horizon
drew a line through both his pupils!
(s this a time to make ?okesA(
(4o kidding! 've got a bellya#he! Damn gooseberries!(
*t this swore and looked through my po#kets and swore some
more and found a mark and a little #hange! ran to "rBsen and
rented a boat for two hours from old man Creft! t wasn't as easy as it
looks on paper& though Creft didn't ask very many %uestions and
helped me to laun#h the boat! When pulled up on the bea#h& Mahlke
lay writhing in the sand& uniform and all! had to ki#k him to make him
get up! -e shivered& sweated& dug both fists into the pit of his
stoma#h= but even today #an't make myself believe in that bellya#he
in spite of unripe gooseberries on an empty stoma#h!
(Why don't you go behind the dunesA Go ahead! ;n the
doubleD( -e walked hun#hed over& making #urved tra#ks& and
disappeared behind the bea#h grass! Maybe #ould have seen his
#ap& but though nothing was moving in or out& kept my eyes on the
breakwater! When he #ame ba#k& he was still hun#hed over but he
helped me to shove off! sat him down in the stern& stowed the net
with the #ans in it on his knees& and put the wrapped #an opener in
his hands! When the water darkened behind the se#ond sandbank
said: (4ow you #an take a few strokes!(
The Great Mahlke didn't even shake his head= he sat doubled
up& #lut#hing the wrapped #an opener and looking through me= for we
were sitting fa#e to fa#e!
*lthough have never again to this day set foot in a rowboat&
we are still sitting fa#e to fa#e: and his fingers are fidgeting! -is ne#k
is bare& but his #ap straight! 5and tri#kling from the folds in his
uniform! 4o rain& but forehead dripping! 6very mus#le tense! 6yes
popping out of his head! With whom has he e$#hanged nosesA "oth
knees wobbling! 4o #at offshore! "ut the mouse s#urrying!
Iet it wasn't #old! ;nly when the #louds parted and the sun
burst through the seams did spots of gooseflesh pass over the
s#ar#ely breathing surfa#e of the water and assail our boat! (Take a
few strokes& it'll warm you up!( The answer was a #hattering of teeth
from the stern! *nd from intermittent groans #hopped words were
born into the world: (! ! !fat lot of good did me! Might have guessed!
:uss for a lot of nonsense! Too bad! t would have been a good
le#ture! Would have started in with e$planations& the sights& armor)
pier#ing shells& Mayba#h engines& and so on! When was a loader&
had to #ome up all the time to tighten up bolts& even under fire! "ut
wasn't going to talk about myself the whole time! My father and
2abuda& the fireman! * few words about the a##ident near Dirs#hau!
-ow my father by his #ourage and self)sa#rifi#e! The way always
thought of my father as sat there at the sights! -adn't even re#eived
the sa#raments when he! Thanks for the #andles that time! ; thou&
most pure! Mother inviolate! Through whose inter#ession partake!
Most amiable! :ull of gra#e! t's the honest truth! My first battle north
of Cursk proved it! *nd in the tangle outside ;rel when they
#ounteratta#ked! *nd in *ugust by the 3orskla the way the Mother of
God! They all laughed and put the division #haplain on my tail! 5ure&
but then we stabilized the front! <nfortunately& was transferred to
.enter 5e#tor& or they wouldn't have broken through so %ui#k at
Charkov! 5he appeared to me again near Corosten when the N0th
.orps! 5he never had the #hild& it was always the pi#ture she was
holding! Ies& Dr! Clohse& it's hanging in our hall beside the brush bag!
*nd she didn't hold it over her breast& no& lower down! had the
lo#omotive in my sights& plain as day! >ust had to hold steady
between my father and 2abuda! :our hundred! Dire#t hit! 5ee that&
@ilenzA always aim between turret and boiler! Gives them a good
airing! 4o& Dr! Clohse& she didn't speak! "ut to tell you the honest
truth& she doesn't have to speak to me! @roofsA 5he held the pi#ture&
tell you! ;r in mathemati#s! 5uppose you're tea#hing math! Iou
assume that parallel lines meet at infinity! Iou'll admit that adds up to
something like trans#enden#e! That's how it was that time in the
se#ond line east of Cazan! t was the third day of .hristmas! 5he
#ame in from the left and headed for a #lump of woods at #onvoy
speed& twenty miles an hour! >ust had to keep her in my sights! -ey&
@ilenz& two strokes on the left& we're missing the barge!(
*t first Mahlke's outline of his le#ture was little more than a
#hattering of teeth& but then he had them under #ontrol! Through it all
he kept an eye on our #ourse! The rhythm at whi#h he spoke made
me row so fast that the sweat poured from my forehead& while his
pores dried and #alled it a day! 4ot for a single stroke was sure
whether or not he saw anything more over the e$panding bridge than
the #ustomary gulls!
"efore we hove alongside& he sat rela$ed in the stern playing
negligently with the #an opener& whi#h he had taken out of its paper!
-e no longer #omplained of bellya#he! -e stood before me on the
barge& and when had tied up& his hands busied themselves on his
ne#k: the big thingama?ig from his rear po#ket was in pla#e again!
Rubbed his hands& the sun broke through& stret#hed his legs: Mahlke
pa#ed the de#k as though taking possession& hummed a snat#h of
litany& waved up at the gulls& and played the #heery un#le who turns
up for a visit after years of adventurous absen#e& bringing himself as
a present! ; happy reunionD (-ello& boys and girls& you haven't
#hanged a bitD(
found it hard to ?oin in the game: (Get a move on! ;ld man
Creft only gave me the boat for an hour and a half! *t first he said
only an hour!(
Mahlke #almed down: (;C& never detain a busy man! 5ay& do
you see that bu#ket& the one ne$t to the tanker& she's lying pretty low!
'll bet she's a 5wede! >ust for your information& we're going to row
out there as soon as it gets dark! want you ba#k here at nine
o'#lo#k! 've a right to ask that mu#h of you )) or haven't A(
The visibility was poor and of #ourse it was impossible to make
out the nationality of the freighter in the roadstead! Mahlke began to
undress elaborately& meanwhile spouting a lot of in#oherent
nonsense! * few words about Tulla @okriefke: (* hot number& take it
from me!( Gossip about :ather Gusewski: (They say he sold goods
on the bla#k market! *ltar #loths too! ;r rather the #oupons for the
stuff!( * #ouple of funny stories about his aunt: ("ut you've got to give
her #redit for one thing& she always got along with my father& even
when they were both kids in the #ountry!( More about the lo#omotive:
(5ay& you might drop ba#k at our house and get the pi#ture& with or
without the frame! 4o& better let it go! >ust weigh me down!(
-e stood there in red gym pants& a vestige of our s#hool
tradition! -e had #arefully folded his uniform into the regulation
bundle and stowed it away in his old)a##ustomed pla#e behind the
pilothouse! -is boots looked like bedtime! (Iou got everythingA(
asked! (Don't forget the opener!( -e shifted the medal from left to
right and #hattered s#hoolboy nonsense as if he hadn't a #are in the
world: (Tonnage of the *rgentine battleship MorenoB 5peed in knotsA
-ow mu#h armor plate at the waterlineA Iear builtA When
remodeledA -ow many hundred)and)fifty)millimeter guns on the
ittorio enetoB
answered sluggishly& but was pleased to find that still had
the dope! (*re you going to take both #ans at on#eA(
('ll see!(
(Don't forget the #an opener! There it is!(
(Iou're looking out for me like a mother!(
(Well& if were you& 'd start going downstairs!(
(Right you are! The pla#e must be in a pretty sad state!(
(Iou're not supposed to spend the winter there!(
(The main thing is hope the lighter works! There's plenty of
al#ohol!(
( wouldn't throw that thing away! Maybe you #an sell it as a
souvenir somepla#e! Iou never #an tell!(
Mahlke tossed the ob?e#t from hand to hand! -e slipped off the
bridge and started looking step by step for the hat#h& holding out his
hands like a tightrope walker& though one arm was weighed down by
the net with the two #ans in it! -is knees made bow waves! The sun
broke through again for a moment and his ba#kbone and the sinews
in his ne#k #ast a shadow to leftward!
(Must be half past ten! Maybe later!(
(t's not as #old as e$pe#ted!(
(t's always that way after the rain!(
(My guess is water si$ty)five& air si$ty)eight!(
There was a dredger in the #hannel& not far from the harbor)
mouth buoy! 5igns of a#tivity on board& but the sounds were pure
imagination& the wind was in the wrong dire#tion! Mahlke's mouse
was imaginary too& for even after his groping feet had found the rim of
the hat#h& he showed me only his ba#k!
;ver and over the same #ustom)made %uestion dins into my
ears: Did he say anything else before he went downA The only thing
am halfway sure of is that angular glan#e up at the bridge& over his
left shoulder! -e #rou#hed down a moment to moisten himself&
darkening the flag)red gym pants& and with his right hand improved
his grip on the net with the tin #ans )) but what about the all)day
su#kerA t wasn't hanging from his ne#k! -ad he thrown it away
without my noti#ingA Where is the fish that will bring it to meA Did he
say something more over his shoulderA <p at the gullsA ;r toward
the bea#h or the ships in the roadsteadA Did he #urse all rodentsA
don't think heard you say: (Well& see you tonight!( -eadfirst and
weighed down with two #ans of pork& he dove: the rounded ba#k and
the rear end followed the ne#k! * white foot ki#ked into the void! The
water over the hat#h resumed its usual rippling play!
Then took my foot off the #an opener! The #an opener and
remained behind! f only had got right into the boat& #ast off and
away: (-ell& he'll manage without it!( "ut stayed& #ounting the
se#onds! let the dredger with its rising and falling #hain bu#kets
#ount for me& and franti#ally followed its #ount: thirty)two& thirty)three
rusty se#onds! Thirty)si$& thirty)seven mud)heaving se#onds! :or
forty)one& forty)two badly oiled se#onds& forty)seven& forty)eight& forty)
nine se#onds& the dredger with its rising& falling& dipping bu#kets did
what it #ould: deepened the 4eufahrwasser harbor #hannel and
helped me measure the time: Mahlke& with his #ans of pork but no
#an opener& with or without the bla#k #andy whose sweetness had
bitterness for a twin& must by then have moved into the erstwhile
radio sha#k of the @olish mine sweeper R,/itwa.
Though we had not arranged for any signals& you might have
kno#ked! ;n#e again and again on#e again& let the dredger #ount
thirty se#onds for me! "y all #al#ulable odds& or whatever the
e$pression is& he must have! ! ! The gulls& #utting out patterns
between barge and sky& were getting on my nerves! "ut when for no
apparent reason the gulls suddenly veered away& the absen#e of
gulls got on my nerves! began& first with my heels& then with
Mahlke's boots& to belabor the de#k of the bridge: flakes of rust went
flying& #rumbs of gull dropping dan#ed at every blow! .an opener in
hammering fist& @ilenz shouted: (.ome upD Iou've forgotten the #an
opener& the #an opener! ! !( Wild& then rhythmi# shouting and
hammering! Then a pause! <nfortunately& didn't know Morse #ode!
Two)three two)three& hammered! 5houted myself hoarse: (.an o)
pen)erD .an o)pen)erD(
6ver sin#e that :riday 've known what silen#e is! 5ilen#e sets
in when gulls veer away! 4othing #an make more silen#e than a
dredger at work when the wind #arries away its iron noises! "ut it was
>oa#him Mahlke who made the greatest silen#e of all by not
responding to my noise!
5o then rowed ba#k! "ut before rowing ba#k& threw the #an
opener in the dire#tion of the dredger& but didn't hit it!
5o then threw away the #an opener and rowed ba#k& returned
old man Creft's boat& had to pay an e$tra thirty pfennigs& and said:
(Maybe 'll be ba#k again this evening! Maybe 'll want the boat
again!(
5o then threw away& rowed ba#k& returned& paid e$tra& said 'd
be& sat down in the street#ar and rode& as they say& home!
5o then didn't go straight home after all& but rang the doorbell
on ;sterzeile& asked no %uestions& ?ust got them to give me the
lo#omotive and frame& for hadn't said to Mahlke and to old man Creft
too for that matter: (Maybe 'll be ba#k again this evening! ! !(
5o my mother had ?ust finished making lun#h when #ame
home with the photograph! ;ne of the heads of the labor poli#e at the
railroad #ar fa#tory was eating with us! There was no fish& and beside
my plate there was a letter for me from the military distri#t!
5o then read and read my draft noti#e! My mother began to
#ry& whi#h embarrassed the #ompany! ( won't be leaving until 5unday
night&( said& and then& paying no attention to our visitor: (Do you
know what's be#ome of @apa's bino#ularsA(
5o then& with bino#ulars and photograph& rode out to "rBsen
on 5aturday morning& and not that same evening as agreed )) the fog
would have spoiled the visibility& and it was raining again! pi#ked out
the highest spot on the wooded dunes& in front of the 5oldiers'
Monument stood on the top step of the platform )) above me
towered the obelisk #rowned with its golden ball& sheenless in the
rain )) and for half if not three %uarters of an hour held the
bino#ulars to my eyes! t was only when everything turned to a blur
that lowered the glasses and looked into the dog)rose bushes!
5o nothing was moving on the barge! Two empty #ombat boots
were #learly distinguishable! Gulls still hovered over the rust& then
gulls settled like powder on de#k and shoes! n the roadstead the
same ships as the day before! "ut no 5wede among them& no neutral
ship of any kind! The dredger had s#ar#ely moved! The weather
seemed to be on the mend! ;n#e again rode& as they say& home!
My mother helped me to pa#k my #ardboard suit#ase!
5o then pa#ked: had removed the photograph from the frame
and& sin#e you hadn't #laimed it& pa#ked it at the bottom! ;n top of
your father& on top of :ireman 2abuda and your father's lo#omotive
that had no steam up& piled my underwear& the usual rubbish& and
the diary whi#h was lost near .ottbus along with the photograph and
my letters!
Who will supply me with a good endingA :or what began with
#at and mouse torments me today in the form of #rested terns on
ponds bordered with rushes! Though avoid nature& edu#ational films
show me these #lever a%uati# birds! ;r the newsreels make me
wat#h attempts to raise sunken freight barges in the Rhine or
underwater operations in -amburg harbor: it seems they are blasting
the fortifi#ations near the -owald 5hipyard and salvaging aerial
mines! Men go down with flashing& slightly battered helmets& men rise
to the surfa#e! *rms are held out toward them& the helmet is
uns#rewed& removed: but never does the Great Mahlke light a
#igarette on the fli#kering s#reen= it's always somebody else who
lights up!
When a #ir#us #omes to town& it #an #ount on me as a
#ustomer! know them all& or ?ust about= 've spoken with any number
of #lowns in private& out behind the trailers= but usually they have no
sense of humor& and if they've ever heard of a #olleague named
Mahlke& they won't admit it!
may as well add that in ;#tober /0N0 went to Regensburg to
a meeting of those survivors of the war who& like you& had made
Cnight's .ross! They wouldn't admit me to the hall! nside& a
"undeswehr band was playing& or resting between pie#es! During
one su#h intermission& had the lieutenant in #harge of the order
s%uad page you from the musi# platform: (5ergeant Mahlke is wanted
at the entran#e!( "ut you didn't show up! Iou didn't surfa#e!
The 6nd