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The St o ny Br ook Pr ess death egg zone

Alex Walsh
Will Give You
99 Diseases...
(But A Bitch Ain’t One)

1. Head Crabs 51. Delusions of l33tn3ss


2 . Ti c k - b o r n e P i n k E y e 52. S tr a wb e r r y G n o m e I nf e s t a t i o n
3 . A c u t e Di z z i n e s s 53. S ti c k y F i n g e r s
4. Broken Arm 54. Loss of Spider-Sense
5. Mummy Jock 55. M e ta m o r p h i c M u p p e t - i s m
6 . S I D S ( S u d d e n In f a n ts fo r a D e m oc r a t i c S o c i e t y ) 56. Phat Beats
7. Quadrophenia 57. D a m n D i r ty A p e S y n d r o m e
8. Beckzema 58. John Kruk's Disease
9 . R a p i d On s e t C y b e r n e ti c s 59. R e c u r r e n t Wa r d r o b e M a l f un c ti o n
1 0 . M a r x i s m - L en i n i s m 60. New Order Disorder
11 . P o p s i c l e D r o p s y 61. Leprosy During Urination
1 2 . Te s ti c u l ar J a u n d i c e . .. o f th e B a l l s 62. C a n c er o f t h e C l i to r i s
1 3 . Ti g h t i t i s 63. R o b o - A ID S
1 4 . T h e C l e nc h e s 64. P w n a ge o f t h e Li v e r
1 5 . C o n s t a n t F e m a l e E r e c ti o n s 65. P r o n o u n c i n g P w n a g e Wi t h a P
16. Kilt Dependency 66. Semicolon Cancer
17. Corporate Racism 67. Robin Williams
1 8 . S e b a s ti a n t h e Cr a b 68. R e c u r r i n g B a c o n - R e la t e d D r e a m s
1 9 . Ti t ty Tw i s t e r s 69. C a t S c r a tc h Fe v e r
2 0 . S e x u a ll y Tr a n s m i t t e d P r e g n a n c y 70. Cow Bell Deficiency Disorder
2 1 . S e x u a ll y Tr a n s m i t t e d S c u r v y 71. R u g g e d M a s c u l i n i ty
22. The Christmas Shivers 72. Ebolio
23. Creeping Peepers 73. Tr i p p in g . . . o f t he B a l l s
2 4 . F e r a l Ta p e w o r m s 74. M o u th B r e a th i n g
25. Aggravated Throbbing 75. Tr a n s u b s t a n ti a t i o n o f t h e S p l e e n
26. Diarrhea on a Plane 76. Tu p o x
27. DJ Scripples 77. Ty C o b b ' s B e in g A n A s s h o l e
2 8 . C o m p u l s i v e Or n i t h o l o g y 78. C o n g e n i t a l M a tr i m o n y
29. Caroline's Sense of Humour 79. Conjunction Junctivitis
3 0 . P e r p et u a l M o t i o n 80. Ta k i n ' I t To T h e L i m i t
3 1 . D o n M a t ti n g l y ' s D i s e a s e 81. Va g i n a l H a l i to s i s
3 2 . D o n M a t ti n g l y ' s M u s ta c h e 82. Sidecar Butt
33. Geraldism 83. Te s l a p h o b i a
3 4 . B o g e y s o n Yo u r S i x 84. K e i fe r M a d n e s s
35. Harry Carey Beri Beri 85. Frosted Skin Flakes
3 6 . Vi n c e n t M i c h a e l Fe s t e r i n g W o u n d s 86. Gradual Suddenness
37. Statesman Subscription 87. C r e ep i n g Ye t i H a n d s
3 8 . C h r o n i c J i tt e r b u g 88. C r e ep i n g G e d d y L e e
3 9 . T h e Fl a m i n g L i p s 89. C h r on i c U n e m p l o y m e n t
4 0 . C o u n te r - R e f or m a t i o n 90. A a r o n B u r r F lu
41. Matt Damon! 91. Iron Manism
4 2 . S o m et h i n g A b o u t R o n a l d R e a g a n 92. Irony Induced Deafness
4 3 . T h e P l a g u e b y A l b e r t C a m us 93. F i n i te P o p u l a ti o n
4 4 . G u l f Wa r S y n d r o m e 94. Rubik's Boob
4 5 . L o c k j aw.. . o f t h e B a l l s 95. Ill Behavior
4 6 . I n fl a m e d C h l o r o p l a s ts 96. L o t s O ' P us s
47. Fear of Pop 97. H a b e a s C o r p us
4 8 . O a tm e a l - r e l a te d D i a b e t e s 98. C r e ep i n g C r ab s .. . o f t h e B a l l s
49. Alaskan King Crabs 99. Dia-Rios
5 0 . X y l o p ho n i c A p p e n d i c i t i s . .. o f th e B a l l s

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Top Ten Point
“Give Me the Whip!”
Things to do
as a Ghost
10 Two Words: Dressing Room.

9 Mess with that bitch Casper

Make friends with every


8
goth kid on myspace Give me the whip! Look, you got across fine, now it’s my turn. So pass
it back. It’s only fair. I scrape a seething mass of tarantulas off your back,
you scrape a seething mass off mine.
Hurry up, man, this whole place is coming down. This idol belongs in a
museum, and I don’t see a museum on this side of the gaping chasm. What
7 Stalk that kid from The Sixth Sense I do see is an almost ridiculously slowly dropping stone door. So unless
you’ve got a better idea, I’d send the whip across.

6
Read The Pre s s over Shirley Counter-Point
S t rum Kenny’s shoulder
“Throw Me the Idol!”
5 Piss on people

Make that assjack John Edward look


4
as dumb as he sounds, fucker.

Give Stony Brook’s Ghost Hunters Society


3 a purpose! (Other than Ghostbusters)

2 “Can you see me now? Good” No time to argue. Throw me the idol, I’ll throw you the whip.
Relax, you can trust me. Of course I’ll throw the whip over. Remember
that other guy who tried to shoot you? That wasn’t me! I’m the depend-
able one. It makes more sense this way. How are you going to swing over
while holding the idol? What if you drop it?
1 Impregnate a Jewish virgin All right, I’m glad you finally saw the logic behind my argument.
Thanks for the idol. Hmmm? Whip?
Adios, señor.
www.fuck the statesman.com
42
Ask Caroline Ann
Because Miss Amberly is currently studying abroad, Savior was very handsome in His human form. I mean, nefarious desires of the flesh? Broom her, take the pic-
our popular column Ask Amberly Jane, a forum for love He was the Son of God. However, you are still a very tures off the Net and put the whole situation behind you.
and sex advice, has not appeared in the Press this semes- sick, very disturbed individual. May the Lord have But don’t beat up your brother. Revenge is the Lord’s,
ter. Some of our readers have complained and asked us mercy on your poor depraved soul. Hope that helps! and trust me, that little puke is in for a serious smiting.
to find a replacement. We thought the most suitable sub-
stitute would be our Production Manager, Caroline. We
hope Ask Caroline Ann will be to your liking. Cheerio. Caroline Ann Caroline Ann

Dear Caroline A n n , Dear Caroline Ann, Dear Caroline A n n ,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long I’m an aspiring photographer, and I keep my equip- I like sex. Am I going to Hell?
time, and things have been getting a little boring in the ment in my room. So my girlfriend and I got inspired
sack. I mean, I love him and all, but he just doesn’t sat- last week and had a sexy photo shoot. Somehow, my lit- —Robocop
isfy me physically anymore. Anyway, I was watching tle brother found my memory card and posted the pic-
Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ the other day tures online. I had no idea until my girlfriend found Dear Robocop,
and…well, I felt something. them. I thought I was in deep shit, but she thought it was
That night, when my man came home, I asked really hot. Should I tell her it was my idea? She might YES! Haha, surely I jest. Liking sex does not mean
him to dress up like Jesus. Let’s just say my “cup” run- get really turned on and let me do freaky shit. But what that you are going to Hell. In truth, I don’t think it seems
neth over with love of Christ. Is it wrong that I can only if it’s all a clever ruse to get me to admit I did it, like that half-bad myself. The Bible says that sex is supposed to
have an orgasm when I’m staring at the Lamb of Hosts? shit with the Greek dudes in the horse? be a physical expression of love between a husband and
Please Help! wife. It is merely the perversion that it has taken in our
society that has corrupted it (i.e. pterodactyl porn, the
Sacrilegious in Sacramento Voyeuristic in Vancouver actions of the heathens from the above letters, etc.).
There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex or having sex-
Dear Voyeur, ual feelings so long as they are within the context of
Dear Satan (Whoops, I meant Sacrilegious), marriage. Then again, you are a robot, and the Bible
First of all, telling your girlfriend that you posted d o e s n ’t really say anything about that. Furthermore, the
Tell me, do red, horned creatures with hooves excite them would be bearing false witness, and at this point in logistics of robot sex are just a little too sick for me to
you as well? What about extremely high temperatures? your debauchery, can you really afford to be breaking a think about. Ick.
If so, you’re in luck. In Hell, you’ll encounter plenty of Commandment? This is aside from the fact that your
what turns you on. I suggest wholeheartedly that you girlfriend is a bit of a pervert. I suggest you ditch the —Caroline Ann
repent not only for your pre-marital intercourse but also chick and find yourself a nice, Church-going girl.
your unholy and unnatural sexual attraction to the Son of Wo u l d n ’t you rather have someone watch old movies If you have questions, please write Caroline at:
Man. Though, just to clarify, I’m certain that the Holy with you or bake you a cake in lieu of fulfilling your askcarolineann@gmail.com

Dear our much-adored President,

Mr. President, we didn’t need fisheye, but needed


your eye.

Sincerely yours,
Kotei Aoki

www.thestonybrookpress.com
41
Comic Update 18 - Read this later the furniture, Windex the windows, etc." haven't eaten anything in the past hour and extend the damn thing another half
Then, after the cleaning up, studying and a half and there is no way to possi- an hour thinking that you'll just study a
For those of you that don't know me: can take place… that is, after you take a bly finish studying on an empty stom- little faster… another half hour later and
my name is Mo, and I have been writing shower of course. Why should your own ach. Knowing perfectly well that it's you shut the damn thing off without
for the Press for a year now. I write this room show you up in cleanliness? A already 11PM and you should probably realizing and you wake up at 5:30AM
column called Comic Update where I clean person is a happy person, so it be immersed in your books, you tell with a panicked look on your face
pretty much try to make you laugh. The only makes sense in the bizarre world yourself that food is an exception because you just realized that you spent
operative word there is "try", which I do our minds create when procrastinating because it's such an essential part of the whole night doing absolutely noth-
ever so gently and quite subtly. that taking a shower is a vital part of being. Depending on where you live, ing and your test is in only a few hours.
So now I'm back and it's pretty much studying. you head out to the kitchen to make one This, my friends, is the procrastinator's
the middle of the semester, with two But wait! For you smokers out there, of the biggest meals you've ever had, or crunch time.
months down and less than two months studying is the time of the week where you go to the dining hall and play the Of course there are more things that
to go. This is the time of year where all you need to spring for that extra pack of game, "How much money could I spend can be added to this short list, but if I
of our teachers have initiated their plan cigarettes, because you KNOW that you on my card without going broke?" You’d included every single thing in here then
of screwing everyone over by giving are going to need a break every five be surprised at how much food you you would be reading for pages on end.
exams on the same week or even the minutes. It's just something about study- could eat when you’re procrastinating. No matter what you learn about time
same day. This way they ensure that the ing that makes you suddenly crave a cig- After your amazing meal you now management, and even if you are a self-
average student has long bouts of stress arette like there’s no tomorrow. feel satiated. You can properly go back realized procrastinator, it’s hard to
and very minimal sleep. Depending on the class, sometimes you to your room and sit down to start study- change your stubborn ways. Hell, the
And studying is never fun. There is need a cigarette right after you finished ing. So you're in place, book in hand, only reason why I’m writing Comic
no possible way to make the act enjoy- your last one, but deep down inside you pen and paper for note taking at the Update is just so I don’t have to do any
able at all. Group studying might be fun, know. You don't really need that ciga- ready, music playing in the background real schoolwork. So when the test is
but if you're having fun then you're rette, you just wanted to get your mind to keep you from going crazy and you drawing near and you're weighing your
probably not doing much studying. If o ff of the damn textbook that hasn't say, "OK, here we go." But c'mon, at options: cram for the next few hours and
you're like me, then procrastination is been making sense the last two times this point you're still not fooling anyone hope that just enough material will be
your middle name. I know I define the you read it, and probably won't make but yourself. That amazing meal you on the test so you can get a passing
word procrastination. There are always sense the third time. just had is giving you the “itis” and it's grade; or hope that it's one of those
a million other things that have to be So now you've cleaned your room so making you pretty sleepy. Now it's classes that drops the lowest grade and
done or else I just can't do my work. For immaculately to the point where even 12AM and you "rationalize" with your- that particular test will be the one where
example, whenever I study, I have to Mr. Clean looks like he could use a good self that your body should take a nap so you use the "drop-the-lowest-test-
clean my room. When I study I think, scrub, you've smoked a half pack in an that you can be well rested and alert grade" card, you will curse yourself for
"What is this, I can't study in a messy hour and you’re still dying for another while studying. The alarm is set for a being a procrastinator and vow that next
environment, I guess I better do all of one and you got all of your things half hour, a power nap. You tell yourself time you will be well-prepared. But the
my laundry, vacuum, clean the curtains, together. Now it's time to study, right? that a half hour is all you will need and little person inside of you knows the
r e o rganize my pen collection, take out Wrong! This is when the hunger control you'll be awake… A half hour later, your truth; the next time won’t be any differ-
the trash, clean the trash can, Febreeze center of the brain reminds you that you alarm goes off and you moan and groan ent.

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40
Jackass 2
film, the latter holds more entertainment dress off in the process, with the result
value. Thus is the opening scene of being maximum wardrobe malfunction
Jackass 2, the sequel with more sophomor- and National Geographic exposure. The
ic hi-jinks, immaturity, and infantile gag is prolonged because she doesn’t real-
behavior. Yet, I never laughed so much all ize or respond to what has happened to her
year. dress and is completely oblivious to her
Just as in the first J a c k a s s, Johnny state of undress (I am still laughing as I
Knoxville and the gang come back for write this review, so freaking hilarious was
sloppy seconds, and the juvenile behavior this scene).
never lets up. We have again the countless These are just a few of the numerous
attempted stunts of BMX riders, bungee gags, stunts, and gross-out events that take
jumpers, and failed launched humans place in the film. The pacing of the gags
attached to rockets! There are also loads of and visuals is very fast, and the ones I
gross-out endeavors, such as Steve-O mentioned are just a small number of many
threading a fishhook through his mouth to other exaggerated, memorable situations
make himself more appetizing and appeal- that will make you laugh even harder or
ing to some menacing sharks as they are gross you out with a bodily response. I
teased and taunted. Worse is a man eating guarantee it.
horse feces for the sum of $200! Even The one question this film should raise
more gross, the gang interrupts a horse in is, “Why?” Why do we watch this kind of
the midst of coitus: at his just-about con- humor? Why would anyone act such
clusion, they swap portholes, with the cli- scenes out? Why would any person per-
matic result being dispensed in a canister form and subject him or herself to such tor-
and the residue being drank by one of the ture, humiliation and degradation? I sup-
entourage (I did my best in wording this to pose it’s the train-wreck aspect that is very
make it as discreet as possible; when actu- popular now in current culture. Also, the
ally viewed, you will know exactly what unscripted, documented feel it generates
scene I am talking about—disgusting). makes it appealing. “Why?” is a very
More disturbing is when Steve-O puts a good question to ask. For the most part,
leech right on his eyeball: extremely tense we all know it’s stupidity at its peak. It’s a
and difficult to watch, but you know what cheap laugh; it’s entirely sophomoric, and
you do! the aim is to entertain by any means possi-
There are also moments of complete ble. Nowadays, that form of entertainment
unsurpassed hilarity: for example, Johnny relies on the shock aspect for more
Knoxville disguises himself as an old man responses and reactions. You know anoth-
putting himself in public situations where, er question the film might generate is,
when he sits down, his testicles hang out of “Why will there be a Jackass 3?” My
his pants in clear sight of all, the elongat- answer is an outstanding “Why not?!”
ed, droopy, old-man type. The reaction
from the unsuspecting viewers is classic. Jackass 2: Rated R (nudity, sexual con-
Another moment comes when one Jackass tent, language, extreme crude and haz-
member disguises himself as a 90-year-old ardous stunts), running time 95 minutes,
By Eddie Zadorozny are running from a frantic, pissed-off
woman—in complete makeup-mode, with released by Paramount Pictures, directed
___________ Naomi Campbell. Or maybe it’s a horde of
a body cast and all the appendages that by Jeff Tremaine
rampaging bulls on their heels with pierc- would relate to a 90-year-old woman
What would you expect the cause of ing, white, spiky horns that can perforate (think about it, visualize this and you get
fear, concern, and panic to be as you see a skin like a paper shredder welcoming one the picture). The old lady exits a cab at a
group of people running down a suburban, of those countless 0% fixed APR credit
Jackass
populated outdoor café; as she leaves the
tree-lined street in slow motion, emerging card applications. Both scenarios are wor-
cab, her dress gets caught in the taxi door.
from a smokescreen cloud? Perhaps they thy of concern, but for the purpose of this
The taxi, in the midst of taking off, rips her

LOST
Wednesdays
in the Press Office

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39
Two Sisters Gets Jigsaw for President:
Two Thumbs Up A Review
By Rebecca Kleinhaut lighting designer Shaun Fillion. T h e By Juan Pinales and Irv Novoa allows them to be
___________ soft and warm light filtering through the ___________ accountable for their
back door of the set really captures the own destiny. In short,
L et ’s face it: the average college stu- desire that the sisters have to leave. Hello, reader. I want to play a game. Jigsaw is a smart
dent probably only knows about the This light is then replaced with harsh What you are about to read is a direct motherfucker.
problems in Cuba due to Elian beams at the end of the play, when result of your own actions. Pay close If you are one of
Gonzales and D i rty Dancing: Havana S o f i a ’s revered piano is confiscated. attention to the rules. Ignore the rules and those movie fans that Whoa, this is small
N i g h t s. Luckily, playwright Nilo Cruz This choice in lighting not only creates there will be dire consequences. Simple do not want to watch That’s what she said...
successfully and succinctly illustrates the pressure of the troops that are com- enough? All right. Let’s begin. In a world a movie about a paraplegic chess player
the turbulence and trials that Cubans ing to their house to reprimand them, where trilogies run rampant and sequels who is a lesbian trying to struggle for
faced during the many upheavals of but it succeeds in making that final (especially in the horror genre) suck… acceptance in society, which got great
their government through his plays. scene thoroughly chilling. one movie stands out for doing something reviews by critics, then Saw III also has
Two Sisters and A Piano tells the Two Sisters becomes more than just a that is very hard to find these days: actual- plenty of stuff for you. As in the first two,
story of artists Maria Celia and Sofia, story of love and exile; it serves as a ly staying true to the feeling of the origi- the movie does not hold back in the gore
who are confined to their childhood valuable history lesson concerning the nal. section. There is actually a brain surgery
home after they are placed under house beginnings and the consequences of Saw III, directed by James Wan and performed in the movie, which looks
arrest because of Maria Celia’s writing, restricted artistic freedom in Cuba. Leigh Whannell, is the third installment extremely realistic, at least for someone
which criticized Fidel Castro and com- (and hopefully the last) in the Saw fran- who hasn’t seen one. It is for this reason
munism. The play chronicles their time chise. The story chronicles the doings of that I think that Saw III is not family enter-
spent inside of this house, highlighting Jigsaw, who sadistically yet ingeniously tainment, unlike some of the people we
the differences in the sisters’ personali- teaches his victims to appreciate life. This were watching it with WHO ACTUALLY
ties and their emotional outbursts. is one of those films that really grabs you TOOK THEIR KIDS TO WATCH THIS
H o w e v e r, Two Sisters is more than just by the balls and never lets go until the MASSACRE. It may be family entertain-
the female version of The Odd Couple. thrill ride is over. We have to be complete- ment, if by that you mean entertaining to
As much as the sisters seem to clash in ly honest and say that we were not expect- Uncle Joe who used to touch your funny
personalities (Maria Celia is more ing very much from the movie. When we places when you were a kid and took pic-
reserved where Sofia is more outgoing set out to watch this movie, our main goal tures.
and emotional), their similar pasts and was simply to enjoy the film for what it While Saw III is a great movie on its
their struggle to gain freedom binds was, which is the mindset people should own, there are a lot of references to the
them. It is impossible to watch this play have had when they watched Star Wars previous movies, and if you haven’t seen
and not feel their pain as they struggle Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith (seri- the first two, watch them first to avoid
against invisible predators. ously, that movie didn’t suck that bad, being left out on certain scenes. This adds
While the story is perhaps strong people). to our belief that this is a true trilogy. The
enough to stand on its own, the cast did Tobin Bell’s performance is simply latest installment revisits the beginning
not fail to deliver. Janine Fittipaldi’s amazing, as in the other two Saw films. and gives you new perspective on the oth-
portrayal of Sofia was the most heart- Jigsaw’s character is such a cerebral char- erwise unexplained moments. Saw III
breaking, and her love for her piano acter, which we would dare put in the actually makes you think back and piece
and her fellow man (or men, in some same lines as Hannibal Lecter (*gasp* together a more complete picture, and if
cases) left me pulling for her success blasphemy!!!). Although it’s a decent you thought you knew Jigsaw, think again.
most of all. Another standout perform- analogy, Jigsaw is not your average vil- He calculates every detail and covers all
ance was Ricardo Ferreiro as lain; he never actually kills anyone, but his bases, further proving how much of a
Lieutenant Portuendo, who falls for rather, causes others to either kill each diabolical genius the Jigsaw character is.
Maria Celia as he reads her confiscated other or redeem themselves. He is a char- Without giving away the story, the ending
love letters from her husband in acter that truly plays into the human emo- is a complete, utter mindfuck.
America. His unflinching and some- tions of the other characters, manipulating
times arrogant performance succeeds in them, twisting them, and pushing them to
cementing his credibility as his charac- the edge. Jigsaw is, indeed, a very interest-
t er. Two Sisters and a Piano ing metaphor for God. He lets them make Saw III
H o w e v e r, the real kudos belongs to Nilo Cruz their own decisions and, in essence, James Wan, Leigh Whannell

www.thestonybrookpress.com
38
Bully: Making Going to
School Rebellious and
Fun
nity lover; he has the option to make out
By Steve McLinden
with fellow male students. Several
British retailers have rejected the game,
Who’d have thought a video game saying it goes against the store’s family-
about being a prep school student would friend image. Toys ‘R Us stores around
cause such an outrage? Well, the game the country hadn’t yet stocked the game
is called B u l l y, and it’s by the same peo- ten days after release, and while
ple who brought the world Grand Theft employees here on Long Island assured
Auto. It’s about getting revenge on the me that it should arrive soon, the game
bullies in the protagonist’s school. After was also removed from their online
both positive and negative anticipation, store a few days after the seventeenth.
Rockstar Games has finally released As fifteen-year-old student Jimmy
Bully for the PlayStation 2, and it’s Hopkins, the gamer is free to roam the
worth all of the hype. campus of Bullworth Academy with just
Jack Thompson, a Florida attorney enough constraints to keep you within
who rose to prominence when he sought the storyline, which is pretty entertain-
to have Miami rap group 2 Live Crew’s ing. As with most Rockstar games, the
album banned under obscenity laws, has dialogue and environment is humorous,

Bully
People beating oher people up...bunggggg.

recently turned his attention to the if a little gross and immature. You can
video game industry, and Rockstar has choose your classes, but you won’t
been his biggest target. After numerous improve your abilities and the prefects
lawsuits about retail sales of GTA, and might catch you truant, which will raise
countless statements about its supposed your trouble meter (akin to G TA’s
relation to teenage violence, Mr. “Wanted Stars”). The game is written
Thompson turned his attention to Bully on the GTA3 engine, so it’s a tried-and-
in 2005. Thompson compared the true formula and the controls are famil-
revenge of the pranks in Bully to the i a r, but on the other hand, it feels some-
Columbine high school shooting. A f t e r what like the same old Tommy Vercetti
Thompson personally called out Bill but in a teenage world. The graphics
Gates, a planned Xbox version of the don’t exactly push it to the limits on this
game was dropped for undisclosed rea-
sons. During early 2006, T h o m p s o n
console about to hit planned obsoles-
cence — but they’re pretty good — The Stony Brook Press is a proud sponsor of
filed lawsuits against the largest U.S. comparable to the more recent G TA
retailers of video games in an attempt to games. It can be beaten in a fair amount the 2006 International Tobogganing Beat-
bar the release of the game. After of time (give or take 40 hours played),
demanding a congressional subpoena to
preview the game and a public nuisance
and it lacks the replay value that the
Grand Theft Auto franchise has. It’s at
Down. Meetings are every Wednesday at 1pm,
lawsuit yielded no success, the game
was released on October 17th with a
least worth a rental, but I’m happy with
my decision to buy it.
in the Student Union Rm. 060. Come check us
Teen rating.
Now that the game is out, the storm out, and/or e-mail submissions to:
rages on. Jack Thompson and conser-
vative censorship groups have Bully sbpress@gmail.com
denounced the rather intriguing finding
that the protagonist is an equal-opportu- Rockstar

www.goatse.cx
37
Review: Paumanok Exhibition and
Le c t u re on Native American Ar t
By Karen Shidlo ated a booklet imitating the format of because her whole life is based upon the central smear could be interpreted as a
___________ US Military training manuals, but traditions and beliefs of her ancestors. nest and the colors around it animals,
aimed at Native Americans, instructing She was the first speaker and began either coming toward it or else flying
On entering the gallery, the eyes them on how to fight against their her brief discussion of her works by out of it.
focus on the back of the space, where enemy, the Americans. This piece is recalling how she was always conscious Gibson noted that the comments con-
Alan Michelson’s installation piece made up of ripped-out pages from his of her legacy and how she felt diff e r e n t cerning his work that bother him most
hangs on the back wall. What resem- book, pinned neatly on the wall in even in art classes at school, when the are those which imply that he is
bles body bags imprinted with various columns, portraying a sense of org a n i- teachers pointed out her use of exces- abstract, which is a Western way to
words and images—eleven of them, all zation and unity. sively bright colors. With slides of some classify his art. He insists that his work
d i fferent sizes—demands a closer On Wednesday afternoon, contempo- of her pieces being shown behind her, is based on Utopia, the environment,
inspection to distinguish what it means. rary Native American artists Nadima she spoke of how the images she con- and the exotic, all very much Native
However, Sarah Sense’s works are A g a r, Jeffrey Gibson, and Sarah Sense centrates on representing are inspired American ideas that outsiders to the tra-
first. Bright and bold, they are woven ditions and myths could not grasp.
digital prints portraying contemporary Sarah Sense was last to speak and
America’s stereotypical perception of began by describing the surreal experi-
Native Americans, showing Caucasian ence of meeting a hundred relatives of
females dressed up in conventional whom she knew but had never met
Indian wear. It is interesting that the because she had been forbidden from
medium the artist chose is weaving, seeing them until she was nineteen
using a traditional form to express years old. Her grandfather is a chief at a
Sense’s disappointment with the disre- tribe in a reservation, and it was after
gard for her culture. she spent some time there that she
Lorenzo Clayton’s silkscreens and decided she wanted to learn some of the
lithographic pieces are surreal, creating trades of the people; all she waited for
a three-dimensional illusion of black- was a motivation. It found her unex-
boards with chalk writing, but layered pectedly as she passed a caravan close
on top with colors. Clayton reveals his to the reservation with a sign reading
intent for the piece in his statement: “Indian Tans,” which she found ironi-
“This print is a partial study of a broad- cally located; she photographed it
er concept that investigates articulating immediately and developed her idea to
human emotions through mathematical make woven baskets from it. Sense said
equations.” that it was important for her to stay true
M i c h e l s o n ’s mixed-media installa- to the traditions of the process of mak-
tion resembles the work of A n s e l m ing the baskets, so she modeled hers as
Keifer at first glance, and he is indeed closely as possible to one she bought
this contemporary artist’s major influ- from an artisan, making it the same size.
ence: particularly, says Michelson, with It is important to note that the figures
respect to “his [Keifer] integration of Vincent Michael Festa
One of the speakers at the lecture that are seen in her woven pictures are
German landscape, history and myth… her dressed up in costumes which show
as was his use of materials.” There is a all came forth to discuss their work, and dictated by “the divine feminine,” personas borrowed from Hollywood’s
real sense of sadness when one stands offering a brief insight into their lives or the Earth Mother Goddess, who man- perception of Indians, and hence, cow-
in front of the wall where the bags and their motivation for creating work ifests herself in four ways. T h i s boys.
hang, the size and multiplicity of them that represents a minority group. explains her using the images of jaguar, As an artist, I found it most exciting
confronting and demanding the looker A critical question was posed by bird, snake and butterfly, each symbol- when Sarah Sense spoke about the
to identify with the connotations of the Lloyd E. Oxendine (artist, art historian, izing a different quality of the Goddess. process of her work and not simply the
medium. and curator). Why did Gibson and the She paints on canvas and attaches them end results, because it placed all of her
J e ffrey Gibson’s paintings are tex- other artists sitting beside him on the so that they can be folded or hung, pieces in context, something that would
tured, with silicone and rubber dan- stage choose to tackle the challenge of which is significant, as she described have otherwise been difficult to do, as it
gling off the edges and layers of oil on working with the obscure and limited her work as “transformational.” represents a culture which is not as
the wooden panel, creating dimension- subject of Native Indian art, when he J e ffrey Gibson started his talk by say- ubiquitously understood as it should be.
ality, which is appropriate, considering has been immersed into American cul- ing that he feels most connected with Nadima was one of the more interesting
the context of the works. The one enti- ture just as much and could create work Sarah Sense, as they represent the same characters, a spiritual woman who
tled “State of Emergency” depicts two for the popular, mainstream audience? generation of Native Americans; his spoke of ceremonies she attended and of
men’s faces coming close to each other, Nadima Agar answered his question work does indeed look contemporary in how some of her prayers were answered
about to meet in a kiss; the bold colors concisely and directly, stating that, from the sense that one of the first slides he when she called upon various gods for
which constitute the background and the time she was a young girl, though showed of his own work was a painting guidance in her art.
frame are explained by the artist as his she lived in New York City and not in which incorporated graffiti markings on In conclusion, it was an exhilarating
idea of utopia, an important element in the reservation among her clan, she was the canvas. experience, and I am certain that Native
his Native American heritage. aware of how her heritage made her dis- He described several of his intentions American art will become more main-
The final series in the exhibition is tinct and how she could not suppress in his paintings, one of the most fasci- stream in the near future, simply from
that of Jason Lujan, who is politically her spiritual feelings. She always felt a nating to me being his belief that pas- seeing a handful of artists devoted to
active and whose main concern as an close connection to “her people,” as she sages of paint create narratives, some- promoting and celebrating their tradi-
artist is to address the United States’ referred to them, and so did not make a times haphazardly, but always having tions in ways such that even those unfa-
government’s policies towards terror- conscious choice in creating Native the ability to tell stories. He pointed to miliar with those traditions can relate to
ists and Homeland Security. Lujan cre- American rather than American art one of his paintings, showing how the them.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
36
Dear Progressives, Liberals, and
Conservatives Alike
By Matt Rammelkamp search for other videos on "911 inside job" to get the bigger When you choose to do one thing, you choose not to do
___________ scope. others. If we all abandon our useless issues and the battles
I'm ashamed of all leftists or progressives who refuse to that are either failing or are of no big consequence (com-
You are all getting filtered "news" and are missing the even consider the information that will someday enlighten pared to the larger picture), we can add to the momentum
overall picture on 9-11 and everything else about politics them with respect to the bigger picture and the bigger and strength of the grassroots underground and achieve a
today. September 11th was a complete inside job. There is cause. They continue to spend much of their time and true awareness of what is really happening and who is real-
virtually no real threat of terrorists from overseas in the resources ignorantly fighting something because they are ly controlling the world. This movement of awakening has
Middle East. Osama bin Laden was not the mastermind. subconsciously (or consciously) self-programmed not to been coming to people who don't follow politics, by conser-
The actual threat is from the architects of the New World even want to know the complete picture, because they vative right-wingers and leftists alike. We are all humans,
Order; they are the very tip of the hierarchical pyramid of know if they change their route, there will be no living- and we have the same basic human instincts: we all want
global elitists and their pawns and patsies who planned and wage salaries or internships-for-credit available, or their liberty, freedom, and safety for ourselves and for our fami-
carried out 9-11, as well as almost every other big terrorist friends and family will think they are crazy conspiracists. lies.
attack or prelude to war in history (see the film We should not be ideologically clashing because we are
“TerrorStorm” (Alex Jones) on video.google.com).
If you actually think that Cheney, Rice, Clinton, or Kerry
Our planet is being taken drawing humanity apart rather than together. There is no
human who is left and there is no human who is right. We
even think the stuff said on TV about the supposed threat of over, and every being on it are all one. By changing your perspective and channeling
terrorism or how Saddam has WMDs is true, then your IQ
must be on par with George W. may soon be under the con - your energies this way, you are actually healing the world
as a whole, not just trying to heal Iraq. I mean this to reach
Our planet is being taken over, and every being on it may trol of a fascist one-world people who are for the war and who are against it.
soon be under the control of a fascist one-world govern- The major form of information that is not filtered and
ment where our everyday actions will be not only moni- government... controlled right now is the Internet, and even that is under
tored but programmed into us with microchips and other threat by the telecommunications oligopolies that seek to
mass mind-control techniques (Don't believe me? See It's amazing how the same sources that control the tradi- buy out the Internet and control its content (freepress.net).
google.video.com-"Microchip"-for a scary introduction). tional news media control much of the "alternative media" Of course, they are controlled by the same people who are
Anyone who does not ally him or herself with the world and, in effect, mind-control everyone into the left-right par- for the war and who control everything else.
government will be Orwellianly declared an “enemy com- adigm while ignoring the real issues of relevance. Dear pro- While the Internet still exists as a means for the free flow
batant” and then tortured and dehumanized by agents of the gressives: fighting against "the" war is pointless; even you of information not talked about by traditional media
world army. This is actually law now in the U.S. because of agree they are going after more countries like Iran or North sources, go check out the following terms or websites. Do
the recent passage of the Military Commission Act of 2006, Korea next. The administration has claimed this war will web searches and video searches for Alex Jones,
which allows the President, without checks and balances, to not end in our lifetime, so why don't you spend your time infowars.com, planetprison.com, Illuminati, New World
order any world citizen (including U.S. citizens) to be kid- working on the underlying issues that have brought this Order, Skull and Bones, Chemtrails, David Icke,
napped and kept indefinitely without trial and tortured. It is about? It's like taking an Advil for a headache instead of davidicke.com, Bilderberg Group, and Bohemian Grove. I
also already law that we will all be issued National I.D. treating the underlying symptoms of your condition (emo- recommend that you first watch free documentaries online
cards — many states have them already, and they are being tional stress, a chemical-laden diet, lack of sleep, etc). to quickly understand these concepts (these are concepts
slowly introduced, state-by-state. Besides, even I'll admit that over-the-counter drug actually that you would need to take months reading about in books
Video-google the film “Painful Deceptions" for the full works to get rid of headaches. So far, you have all failed or websites; use youtube.com and video.google.com). For
scientific proof explosives were used in the Trade Towers abysmally at coming close to ending the current war. All those of you who already think you know the whole truth
1, 2, and 7, as well as evidence the Pentagon was struck by your efforts for the last four-and-a-half years have been in behind 9-11: keep digging, because you’ve only pulled out
a missile and not an airplane. Go on Google Video and vain. Just ask yourself, are we even close to ending the war? a couple strands from a massive tapestry.

Breast Cancer Awareness


Truth goes through three stages:
Month is Total Bullshit
Season means well-crafted messages to encourage finding cancer, according to Dr. Samuel Epstein, in
women all over America to have mammograms and his book The Politics of Cancer. He notes that the
-First it is ridiculed u n d e rgo dangerous and often unnecessary treatment false negative rate for diagnosis is about 40% among
-Then it is violently opposed in the common event that the diagnosis of breast can- women ages 40-49, which he cites from The National
-Finally, it is accepted as self-evident cer is wrong.” Institutes of Health. The NIH also reveals mammo-
~Schopenhauer “Breast Cancer Awareness Month is, simply put, a grams fail to detect 20% of malignant tumors in
corporate strategy, sponsored by, among others, A s t r a women. Mammograms may also spread existing can-
It’s pink ribbon time; time to raise money and walk Zeneca, which makes Tamoxifen. Every word, walk cer as painful pressure is applied to the breast causing
for a cure…right? Wrong; the last thing the medical and wink associated with the ubiquitous pink ribbon cancer cells to spread before immune processes can
industry — or rather, the cancer industry — wants is must pass their approval process,” Dr. Laibow kill them (which a healthy immune system does rou-
a cure for cancer. Rima Laiblow, M.D., Medical explains. “Perhaps you have noticed that, under the tinely).
Director of the Natural Solutions Foundation writes, guidance of their direction of the charitable cause, In fact, Dr. John W. Gofman, an expert on the
“After all, cancer is the single most economically pro- “prevention” has become “early detection” and early health impact of ionizing radiation, believes that 75%
ductive disease in the history of mankind. Never mind detection means, pure and simple, mammogram$$$. of breast cancer can be prevented by avoiding ioniz-
that valid, successful, and inexpensive cures for can- So what’s wrong with mammograms? According to ing radiation (like in mammograms, at conventional
cer are ruthlessly suppressed by the medical industry, the National Cancer Institute numbers, a decade of dentist’s, CAT Scans, etc). Well that’s an amazing
even when you consider the shameful performance of screening a woman’s breasts will increase cancer risk
my profession, organized medicine. Pink Ribbon by 20%! Mammograms are also shockingly bad at Continued on previous page

www.wikipedia.com
35
Breast Cancer... Bullshit (cont.)
American Medical Association and the Journal of ously don’t know that money makes the world go
Continued from next page
American Medicine admit that 100,000 Americans die around. Just about anything we do in this world is for
piece of information that would help prevent most every year from side-effects of prescription or over- money. Why do we get up at the crack of dawn? Why
breast cancer. So why don’t you hear about this on the-counter drugs! Up to 2.5 million are injured every are you in college? Why do we work toward winning
prime-time TV? Well it would be very bad business year! Vioxx was not an isolated case - however, since scholarships? Why do we sue people? Why do we
for the people who make treatment and detection the Bush Administration has taken office, only a cou- want health insurance? For those of you who don’t
options or those who sell the cancer drugs (who also ple drugs have been officially recalled compared to believe any gigantic lie, just ask yourself, if there was
fund the major news networks’ airtime). Breakthrough the dozens in the 1990’s. Maybe that has to do with TRILLIONS of dollars at your disposal, wouldn’t you
information about prevention is also not a good news the financial backing of Bush and the Republican’s be able to have people work around the clock putting
story if the pharmaceutical companies pay almost half election campaigns…pharmaceuticals were the ads on TV, writing textbooks for schools, putting sub-
of all the airtime for all the major news networks! LARGEST funders (industry-wise). liminal ads in magazines, buying season Jets tickets to
So what does Dr. Laibow recommend to all the tri-state doctors, lobbying
her patients instead of mammography? Congress around the clock, and brain-
Thermography; which detects cancer soon- wash people to believe almost any-
e r, far more accurately and with no harm at thing? Did you know that the top ten
all to the body since it relies on heat emit- global Pharmaceutical companies
ted by your body and takes a sensitive heat have more combined wealth than the
picture of your body. She explains, combined wealth of the other 490 of
“...Because malignancies grow extra blood the Fortune 500 companies? And did
vessels, they emit more heat so they are you know that they do all those things
detectible early and without danger.” with all their money in order to ensure
Maybe it’s time we actually turn their monopoly on medical treatment?
October into Break Through the Breast Many of you already know that psy-
Cancer Propaganda Month rather than let- chiatric drugs are terrible and how the
ting the cancer Industry promote harmful schools got money for each kid whose
mammograms and cancer drugs. Major parents they were able to convince to
health charitable causes usually act as cor- go on Prozac. You may have heard
porations only caring about the bottom about how anti-depressants may be
line. All that money is given to useless and dangerous, causing
“researchers” who are on a never- e n d i n g increased suicidal risks while the com-
gravy train and whose entire career is build panies hide the fact. But do you know
of a cure never being found. The medical about how vaccines actually have
establishment wants people to get breast caused more outbreaks in disease? Or
cancer, that’s why they pressure women how thousands of people die a year
into getting radiation shot into their breasts from seemingly “harmless” Advil? Or
and body each year under the guise of how those pain relievers are related to
‘early detection.’ Millions have been spent cancer when in fact there are many
on traditional ‘research’ which seems to free or cheap and side-effect-free pain
line the pockets of wealthy charities and relievers? Or what the natural cure for
the drug industry without ever finding a almost every disease is?
cure. Matt Rammelkamp To answer these questions and
Pixels
To me, it is inconceivable that a miracu- more, I recommend everyone read the
lous “cure” will ever be found. Imagine an New York Times Best-selling book
announcement of the discovery of a cure for breast Did you know that in Germany, there is a cure for Natural Cures ‘They’ D o n ’t Want You to Know About
cancer (or any cancer or any disease) all over the news Prostate Cancer? But in the U.S. the treatment cannot by Kevin Trudeau, along with the follow up More
and in the papers…think it will come one day soon? legally be considered a “cure” because the Food and Natural Cures Revealed: Previously Censored Brand
No - it just seems so unbelievable, like a dream Drug Administration has passed a regulation saying Name Products that Cure Disease. They are available
almost. How about anytime in the next 50 years? that ‘only a drug can prevent, cure, or treat a disease.’ everywhere, but also are available for free on
Nope - I can’t imagine it. This is why you get more and more things being www.naturalcures.com, minus shipping and handling.
On the other hand, let me totally contradict myself. called a “disease.” For example, acid reflux disease, For a list of alternative health and healing websites,
There are at least dozens if not a few hundred cures which was “heartburn”; now is apparently a chronic and articles exposing pharmaceutical industry/med-
for cancer - many have been banned because they condition. Now, only a drug can legally say on the ical establishment/government corruption, see
would put the cancer industry out of business. Just package that it cures acid reflux. A big way for the w w w.myspace.com/fightbigpharma and www. n e w-
look up the history of “Royal Rife”. In short, he drug companies to make money. Their ultimate goal is starget.com and www.naturalcures.com.
developed a frequency instrument that “zapped: can- to have as many people worldwide taking as many of And while you’re at it, you may take this sage
cer cells and killed them without damaging normal their drugs as possible every single day for the rest of advice:
tissue. This technology is similar to how when an your life. Once they have you on one drug, even OTC
opera singer hits a certain note, the mirror cracks. drugs, the toxic buildup will cause one or more of “...Walk for a cure because exercise reduces the
(Nothing else cracks, just the mirror. Unlike your organs or bodily systems to go in disarray, caus- risk of breast cancer. Eat for a cure because sensible,
chemotherapy which attacks cancer cells along with ing some other illness, which will end in you going on natural diets reduce the risk of breast cancer. Laugh
healthy cells). Yet this technology was persecuted and more meds. It’s a snowball effect and they even con- for a cure because stress and loneliness reduce
censored. No, Royal Rife was not a quack; he was spire with the major food manufacturers to put chem- immune competence. Pray for a cure because people
actually the inventor of the universal microscope! icals in the food that make you sick so you can start with sincere religious convictions live longer and
Time and time again inventors have been persecut- taking drugs everyday for the rest of your life. healthier than those without them.” ~Rima Laibow,
ed and jailed for finding cures for dozens of diseases. D o n ’t believe any of what I’m saying? Think its all MD, Natural Solutions Foundation, www.healthfree-
There is a natural cure for every single disease or B.S.? I don’t think anyone can deny this truism, “You d o m u s a . o rg
adverse health condition that does not require drugs or can get the general public to believe anything with
s u rg e r y, and that have no adverse side-effects. The enough money.” If you’re denying this then you obvi- —Matthew Rammelkamp

www.thestonybrookpress.com
34
I Cheated Death...and Won
8/25/2006 coming. and crushed. It had a massive dent no mechanic could
Back at work, all the women supervisors had no ever fix; totally hopeless. The windshield redrew
It was just another Friday afternoon on my way to idea that I wouldn’t be showing up to work. They had itself as a cracked spider web while keeping itself
work at a women’s clothing store. The weather was no idea that I was in a car accident, yet. They decided together. No back windshield; it was gone. The back
damp, humid, and drizzly, post-rain with shady skies. I was late for work, and I’m never late to work. The left tire also was torn apart. The end result of the acci-
I drove my way up to Caleb’s Path and switched to the clock was ticking. dent was just as pleasing as a life revelation: you can’t
right lane with the vehicle in front of me now on my I was already at the emergency room, lying on the prepare for these things, they just happen out of
left as I waited for the stoplight to go green. bed being checked out by medical staff and holding nowhere and you end up dealing with it. The outcome
It turned green, and I started turning left, assuming my broken and bleeding nose. My face felt burnt, is always ugly to experience and to look at.
I’d complete the turn, go forward on Motor Parkway, bruised, and swollen from the impact of the airbag. I In a few days, I found out a lot of things concern-
wait for another light, check the day’s petrol prices, had also received a good headache from the impact. ing my accident. My family and I found out that the
and jump on the LIE to Huntington with no problem. My face was puffy and zenfully painful for days. driver of the truck did indeed blow the red light and
I assumed wrong. As I made that left-hand turn in my From there my family was with me, and we all put was fearful enough to admit it on record. My brother
right lane, I met the pick-up truck that introduced together the pieces of the puzzle of what else had hap- showed me a piece of the truck’s front bumper that
itself to my driver’s side without warning. We hit it pened at the scene of the accident. My brother White shot through the side window upon impact, just miss-
o ff right away. Boy had heard what happened and death-raced toward ing my cranium by an inch or two and ending up in
We collided, and the feeling was so unreal. I never the scene upon finding out about my accident. I had the backseat of my car. Had I taken off from the light
even thought I could be in the position that I was in on my mom call work and tell them that I wouldn’t make a split-second later or went just a little slower, that
that day. The impact was piece of fender would have
so great that my body impaled me and I wouldn’t
rocked and swayed inside have ever woken up from the
the vehicle like I was in a accident. My brother also
Texas rodeo with the seat- explained to me that the entire
belt holding me back. My back windshield flew off of
head and face connected my car in one piece and was
with the airbag with a recovered from the front lawn
feeling of being hit like of an industrial building twen-
never before. God bless ty feet from the accident site.
the airbag. After filling several forms out,
After it was over, I was sitting through some meetings
left with this amazing with the insurance woman,
feeling that I had been in and driving a rental 2005
this unimaginable situa- Chevy Malibu (things by
tion and I was still alive, which to remember that time
amazed that this had hap- of my life), in due time the
pened to me. In a matter accident was all past, as if it
of just five seconds after never happened.
impact, I got right out of I look back and
the passenger’s side of the think about “what if,” just
car and surveyed damage. “what if.” What if I had left
Needless to say, the truck work a little earlier and had
driver was more shaken not caught that helping of an
up than I was. He couldn’t accident? What if I had been
contain himself. struck in the head with that
His truck, mostly fender piece? How much
Vincent Michael Festa
intact, had pushed my car He’s still alive, no I know, for real, right? worse would that accident
onto the middle of the have been if that airbag had
street. That was how powerful the crash was. Within it. My dad told me that everything would be all right. not been there to save me? How would I have lived
minutes, the police arrived to check up on me. By that By then the headache was getting heavier and heav- with myself and dealt with the new cards I’d been
time, I was smiling like it was nothing because ier. I lay for a good hour wishing for a dream state given? How would I have been, handicapped and
already the incident had fucked itself and failed, and I because my mind just wanted to drift away from all debilitated, and how would others have thought of
knew everything would be all right. I sat on the back the numbness I was dealing with. After being written me? It all doesn’t matter anymore because I’m still
of the truck, thinking about how lucky I really was up and released from the hospital, I was on my way the same, if not even more resilient than ever before.
like I had never done before. I was also thinking about home. Throughout the emergency room people I don’t even think about it because it’s inconsequen-
Jenny, the one person in my life who had really cared stopped, looked, and stared at me like it was the tial.
for me since day one, and how sad and distraught she Second Coming of Christ, as they had never seen a The first five or ten minutes after the accident, I
would be if I came out crippled or brain-dead, the dra- person in such horrible shape. laughed it off because I knew the Devil didn’t get me.
matic transformation from the lively, dynamic, ani- I retired home to take a shower, call work to verify I knew I was going to be all right. Remember when
mated me to a flat-lining, lifeless spectacle. that I definitely wouldn’t make it, and tell Jenny that you were twelve, thirteen, fifteen, seventeen, and
The fire department came, and, lo and behold, the everything was A-OK. She said she’d be on her way whatever trouble you got into, you got out of it, and
first person from the department who helped me was that night to drop off some goods, and she did, among you felt invincible? That’s how I felt. I was saved. I
this guy Nicholas who was my former schoolyard them some iced-tea, canned soda, fruit cups, string thanked my lucky stars that a seat belt and an airbag
bully from my grade school and high school years. He cheese, that week’s news, and a teddy bear. She was saved my life. They helped me cheat death, a gift only
hadn’t believed he would see me in a situation like talking to me about her road test for her license, and I some people could ever have. Even though they’re not
this, but it was good times until the department laid showed her my car, totaled from earlier, which had 100% totally effective, as some people attest, every
me out on the stretcher and put me into the ambulance made its way back home and was resting in my drive- measure of safety is better than none.
for safety’s sake. I was then introduced to Patrick, way. I’m great, but the car is still shitty.
another person I hadn’t seen since middle school who I took pictures of the final result, which was twist-
is now part of the department. The good times kept on ed metal. The driver’s side door was totally blown-in —Vincent Michael Festa

www.thestonybrookpress.com
33
Cockroaches: The Unwanted Squatter
So I just went to wash up for bed, and it’s roughly never had a roach or even ants. So I guess I had it pretty insect jumping around in my room, my sanctum, my
3:45AM. I run into a chair right outside the door to the com- good. When I moved to Kelly though, wow. Things Fortress of Solitude (that I share with another guy).
mon area on the way to the bathroom. So, after whispering changed. Anyway, I lose it. So we tear apart my roommate’s bed.
profanities in the dark, I manage to fumble around and turn The first sighting I heard of like a fairy tale. My room- Maybe it covered that great distance on its own. Nada. At
on the light switch to the two lights we have set up in the mate and suitemate, owners of the two respective fridges, least we got to reorganize under our beds.
room. Like all Kelly dorm rooms, the main light is put in incidentally, found it and killed it in my room. They said Grudgingly we both decided to go to bed: these things
the most convenient place in the common area — the two inches long and red. Fast motherfucker to boot. I found only come out when it’s dark anyway. So, we turn to good
entrance — which, once you walk through a mini-4 foot it hard to believe that it was that big, but whatever. Two old That 70’s Show to put our hearts at ease and lull us once
hallway, you can enter the actual common area through. nights later, I was going to bed and put on the television to again to dreamland. Five minutes later my roommate yells,
So the light sucks, I’m getting away from the point of lull me to sleep. My roomie had already conked out, so I put “It’s on your dresser, I saw it move across the drawer!” We
this article and you want me to get on with it. I turn the light the volume low even though a battleship horn couldn’t get up, turn on the lights and sure enough that’s it, ugly, red,
on. I then proceed to move the chair out of the way so that wake him, I know, I’ve tried... don’t ask. Anyway… I’m and big as I remembered it. So I get my sandal to kill it. It
I won’t stumble on it on the way back, and so my room- channel surfing and I am rewarded with Scrubs. The second jumps… into my closet… into my laundry bag. Fucker! I
mate, Kenny, who is sound asleep, won’t trip on it either. I put it on, he’s awake and asking what channel it was on. I move it out of the way and we see it, in the closet, trapped!
Fuck the other suitemates, they put the damn thing there. tell him. It’s a friggin Scrubs-fest in my room. I go for the kill. Miss. Miss again (yeah, I suck at this, durr).
I don’t know about the rest of you guys or gals out there, My roommate takes the sandal and makes fun of my mas-
but I, for one, happen to have a 6 foot tall by 4 foot wide
bus shelter poster form one of the arguably best movies
...I see it stunned for a culinity. The thing is still running around and it jumps over
the track for the closet curtain and my roommate brings up
ever, Batman Begins. More off topic. In front of that poster the sandal and WHACK!! Decapitates it. Nice. It’s still
is the row of fridges. Mine is the biggest, double size I guess moment and then, like the wriggling. Sweet.
is the best way to explain it – roughly four feet tall. Next to So I go to my quad office and tell them we have cock-
them are my roommate’s and my suitemate’s mini-fridges, Flash, it vanishes. roaches. Two days later, they put paper traps along the
like two feet tall each and they’re stacked on top of each perimeter of the room. Wow, forty-five cent traps. Could
other, so they’re roughly the same height as my fridge. Yay As it’s winding down, he says that there’s something they spare it? I don’t eat in my room. My roommate’s way
for all of our vivid imaginations. I’m getting to the story moving on his wall. I don’t know if you all know how Kelly too anal to eat in there, too. So, what about the common
now. rooms are laid out, but picture a Z-shaped room almost. His area? The place we all eat in and have some slob suitemates
On the edge of my suitemate’s fridge I see something bed is on the top part of the Z and mine was on the diago- and people that leave garbage on the floor. I’m talking liter-
move. Very small. It’s a mini cockroach. Fucking yay! I’m nal bar. So I couldn’t see his wall. He said it scurried down ally garbage, like the bags or wrappers their food came in.
like OK man, you’re history, or some such crap. I can’t under his bed. He knew what it was. I only speculated. So, The sandwich’s wax paper. Ketchup containers, etc. Not to
really recall. So I see it scurry and I try to follow it by open- on go the lights. We take his bed away from the wall and mention dirty beer glasses. We’re all to blame, but roaches?
ing up the fridge door. Fuck, four more! So I scramble, examine. Nothing. Ok, now what? We look under my desk, Come on.
caught off guard and, armed with my trusty Bounty Super- which is perpendicular to his wall, and I find it under my I don’t know what this rant is supposed to do for the
Absorbent, I manage to kill only one of them, the rest scur- desk, around my power strip. FUCK IT’S HUGE! Just as campus, what it is supposed to do for you all. You read it
rying into the dark. Then, next to my beloved Batman they described before. So me being the manly guy I am, I this far, so it’s obviously somewhat captivating. Umm, I
poster, I see another one. I move in for the kill. I strike. I manage to find Mr. Bounty and I have at it. Now I must guess that’s it. My roommate’s still sleeping and I can’t
miss. It falls into the basket we keep our paper towels and admit, I’m from Long Island. Nassau County to be exact. because I have just seen filth. Utter filth. I hope some of you
plastic knives n’ such in. I move it out of the way and I see I’ve never seen a roach before this. So I don’t know its were reading this whilst eating and I made you sick or
it stunned for a moment and then, like the Flash, it vanish- speed or what to expect. offended some of you. Maybe some animal rights activists.
es. So I try to crush it. Fucker jumps… under my bed. Ok, Good. They’re cockroaches! They don’t deserve to inhab-
Strike 4 of the night. I’m retired. So that led me to writ- let’s move everything. I find it under my guitar bag. Ok, it this planet! ... According to my professional opinion, of
ing this: bitching about the cockroaches. If this were the move that and kill it. Fucker jumps again. Can’t find it. My course. How do you people from the city deal with this shit?
first time I had a roach in my dorm, no biggie. And I mean roommate and I take everything… everything out from I can’t stand it.
cockroach, ‘cuz I don’t smoke pot. Ever. I lived in James under my bed. Nothing. I look under there. Nothing. Ok,
College in H-Quad. While it wasn’t the best place to live, I I’m pissed, tired and I can’t sleep knowing that there’s this —Trevor Hirst

Fuck You, Shower Skank-Assjack


Dear Twathelmet, another fucking loogie, this one somehow louder and nose. Don’t get me wrong, I think in the tuberculosis-
more intrusive than the last. What the fuck? Are you ridden England of the past you’d fit right in. But, as is,
I know what you did. It’s not as though you were half llama? I’m not even sure I’m being sarcastic; that you’re just one disgusting motherfucker. Why do you
subtle about it. I innocently went to shower two days noise couldn’t be human. I began to scrub away, sham- bother showering if you’re just going to cover yourself
ago. This being a corridor-style dorm, and this being poo and soap doing their respective thangs like it was, in in a layer of mucus like a fucking clownfish? You took
Stony Brook, two of the four showers are functional on fact, no thang at all. The hocking continued unabated the good stall just to get yourself dirtier than when you
my floor. Of the two, one of them has water whose tem- started? You bastard. Frustrated yet clean, I stepped out
perature cannot be controlled. So, of course, you took of the shower, toweled off, and proceeded to beat a hasty
the good shower. I clambered into the remaining stall As you were in the shower, I escape. As the bathroom door swung closed, you blew
and started the water up. I stripped myself all bare-ass me a metaphorical kiss goodbye. “Hurr-
naked-like. As anyone knows who’s ever showered in a suspect tissues weren’t being AAAAKK…..AKKK!” to you too, man. This letter is
room where other people are, it’s an awkward moment just to tell you that maybe next time you could simply
right before you get under the water. It was in this very used... empty the contents of your nose and phlegm-plagued
self-same fragile moment that you entered yourself. I throat on your own time. Douchebag.
heard a noise, as though the earth itself were being rent
apart through your nostrils. “HoooOOOOO-AAAAAC- during this, and I was growing increasingly agitated.
CCCHHH!” This was followed by the noise I’ve come Surely, I thought to myself, there’s nothing else you can Cordially yours,
to recognize over the years as someone spitting an enor- do to ruin this shower for me. Sir, bless your timing. As James Messina
mous loogie. Damn, it must have been a big one. All this thought was running through my head, I heard the
right, whatever. It won’t make for the most pleasant sound of a nose being blown. As you were in the show- P.S.: To the motherfucker that jerks it in the showers:
shower ever, but I can live with it. That’s why I wear er, I suspect tissues weren’t being used, and that you heh. Nice, dude. I would too, but I can’t jerk it stand-
shower sandals. You did it again, though. You hocked probably just put your two hands together against your ing up for some reason.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
32
Jowy Romano
The Condoleeza Rice for President in 2008 Facebook Group

I thought this was a joke when I first saw it. Then I got scared… really scared when I realized it wasn’t. The thought of hav-
ing this woman as our President sends all sorts of chills down my spine.

Go ahead and check it out for yourself at: http://www. f a c e b o o k . c o m / g r o u p . p h p ? g i d = 2 2 0 8 3 8 5 5 7 2

Staller Center Elevators

I have a recurring dream about dying in an elevator. Every time I ride the Staller Center elevator on the Music side, I fear my
dream will come true. This elevator jumps about a foot as it stops at each floor, causing the passengers’ insides to feel like Jell-O
being flung at a ceiling. If you value your life, unlike my lazy self, I would advise against riding this death trap.

...

...

Canned Bread

There is no greater fear than that of the unknown. When a can of bread appeared in the office, I immediately asked myself a
multitude of questions. Who broke into a bomb shelter from the 60s and brought this here? Is it still edible? Do you have to cook
it? Why the hell is it in a can? I must say, the idea of bread in a can freaks me out to this day.

Jesus Camp

What Top 5 scary things list would be complete without a scary movie? This one has all the essentials—zombies, cults and
creepy children. The scariest part is that the movie is non-fiction! If you are in the mood for a good scare check out this documen-
tary.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
31
Andrew Pernick
Heights

Heights are the scariest thing in the world. Everything should be limited to one to two stories, tops. Stairs are evil, but eleva-
tors are the work of Beelzebub’s Bunghole, especially when they don’t operate smoothly.

Event Horizon

That film was the work of seriously disturbed people in desperate need of centuries’ worth of therapy. Sam Neil is a mother-
fucker, a true genius in this mindfuck of a film. This movie should be watched alone, during the darkest, stormiest of nights, just
so that you can experience the true sense of dread and terror this movie instills.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist

This man, and I use the term quite loosely as he is more aptly described as a handmaiden of Satan sent to Earth to do His bid-
ding and bring about the apocalypse, is so far to the right that he is clinging to the edge of the cliff at the boundary of the political
spectrum by the fingernail of his non-dominant hand’s pinkie. He is scarier than anything save heights or the movie Event Horizon.
Avoid this leader of the Four Horsemen as he is the Typhoid Mary of the End of Days.

Widths

If standup comedian Stephen Wright is afraid of them, it’s good enough for me.

The red cat’s eye from the Flash comic book Broken Saints

It’s a Fnord. Don’t see the Fnords. The Illuminati place Fnords to scare us into submission, and the cat’s eye is a Fnord. Since
The Illuminati controls everything, including you, and since they want you to see the Fnords, fear the cat’s eye as The Illuminati
are my masters. You didn’t hear that and I’ll probably be killed in an “accident”.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
30
Alex Walsh
My Appendix

Isn’t it simply wonderful that evolution—the same process that can be thanked for the development of the unquestionably awe-
some platypus—saw fit to give us an internal organ whose sole purpose is to maybe kill you? Well played, there. It’s like that movie
I heard about a while ago, where there’s an android with a bomb in his ribcage. Not the kind of shit you want to live with. It could
go at any moment. And I know it’s going to choose the worst time. I’ll have just struggled to overcome my crippling host of per-
sonal insecurities, and I’ll be digging into a celebratory Choco-Taco when suddenly… BAM! Fucking appendicitis.
The end, brother.

The Looming Shadow of Failure

Time for the appearance of the aforementioned “crippling host of personal insecurities.” What’s scarier than winding up
living in a box in an alley with some dude named Lefty? Worse yet, the box could be in New Jersey. And not the nice parts of Jersey
(I’ve never seen them, but they’re rumored to exist). I mean full-on urban squalor. This is the kind of future I routinely imagine for
myself. What exactly am I going to do with my major after graduation? Perhaps I should ask Lefty.

Snakes on a Plane

Bear in mind, I’m not talking about the movie here. I am discussing the real and growing threat of motherfucking snakes on a
motherfucking plane. They say Jules Verne was a visionary because he predicted the development of submarines in 20,000 Leagues
Under the Sea. Perhaps Sam Jackson (I know he didn’t write it, but he’s the only name associated with this movie I can remember
off the top of my head) is a visionary who has predicted the future number-one method of killing bitches you want dead. Now that
the idea’s out there, someone’s going to perfect it. And the flying public—without a badass black dude aboard to tell us we need to
put a barrier between us and the snakes—is screwed.

Things That Break In the Office When The Supervisor Isn’t There

I’m sitting, doing some filing. Someone starts copying a stack of papers and walks away. All is well…for now. But I know that
that monstrosity is going to jam up, and I’m going to get blamed. There’s no logic to it. I didn’t touch the machine. I don’t even
know what it’s copying. But whatever desk jockey is responsible for it left a staple in, and now the machine sounds like a pair of
thoroughly unhappy pigs trying their best to make another thoroughly unhappy pig. And, somehow, my supervisor is going to find
a way to make it my fault. (Note: This is about an insurance agency I used to work at. To my current employers at the library, I’ve
never had issues with your just and fair treatment, or the top-shelf equipment I work with. Please continue paying me.)

My Shadowy Nemesis

Last semester, someone impersonated me in order to get a spare key to my room from the Quad Office, which he then used to
enter the room (I can’t really say break in, seeing as he used a key, and was kind enough to lock up behind himself when he left)
and steal my roommate’s Xbox 360. So I know that somewhere out there, there’s some kind of Bizarro Alex Walsh. Someone who
has my old key and Kaleb’s 360. He’s probably evilly cackling as we speak. Hey man, if you’re reading this, I want to let you know
you’re an asshole. But a clever asshole, so I can kind of respect that. Had you merely ripped open the screen and crawled in, you
would get no respect. You still don’t get much, but…good show, chap. Fuck you.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
29
Adina Silverbush
The Jowy Romano Mask from the last Halloween Issue

One Jowy Romano is scary enough. An army of 4,000 is pretty terrifying, especially when they all stand next to the real one
and you can’t tell the difference. I just wanna hug my mommy!

George W. Bush’s foreign policy

Let’s get the whole world to hate us and then see what happens, especially now that everyone has nuclear weapons!

Cream Cheese

It’s just really scary! If you put this near me I will start screaming like a little girl. Don’t test me, it’s the truth. Cheese cake
however is awesome and doesn’t scare me in the least, and yes I know it’s made out entirely of cream cheese, and yes I know I’m
crazy!

Killjoy

This movie involves a creepy clown who drives an ice cream truck. Killjoy the Clown gets called upon by the black magic of
a nerdy guy in need of some help. The nerdy dude of course wants to steal the hot chick girl from her gang member boyfriend.
This movie also includes what seems to be amateur teenage porn. Honestly this film is so freaking awful that it scares me to think
that they made a Killjoy II.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Not only are they human size turtles that are stealing the world’s pizza supply, they are ninjas, mutants, and to make it all that
much worse they’re teenagers, and nothing’s scarier than teenagers!

www.thestonybrookpress.com
28
Joe Rios
Ann Coulter

The most frightening woman from the Republican Right, Ann Coulter spends her spare time on Fox News, frothing at the mouth
about just about everything imaginable, regardless of whether it makes sense or not. This bitch scares me... the only thing scaring
me more is the thought of her spawning children ::hurl::

Deng Lee's

'Nuff Said!

Numbers that go on exponentially

Math is supposed to be precise and accurate in my mind. If you were to divide 2/3, the output is .666666666666666... with sixes
going on into infinity. That's not precise dammit! Fuck your calculator, I'll keep my 2/3

Underneath the kitchen sink

I dread having to reach under the kitchen sink. It's dark, moldy, and usually filled with any variety of lethal chemicals. Also, due
to its environment, I perpetually fear being bitten by something that might be (but most likely isn't) living under there.

The ghost of the canned bread

Despite the wonderful funeral service we had for the recently departed can of bread, the office hasn't felt quite right. Sometimes,
late at night, I see canned bread in the corner of my eye, floating around the office. An eerie voice will often drift through saying,
“James Mussina is a murderer... avenge my death...” We need an old priest and a young priest, or maybe just the Ghost Busters...

www.thestonybrookpress.com
27
Rebecca Kleinhaut
The Shining by Stephen King

Sure, Jack Nicholson is an awesome psychopath, but believe me when I say that the book is five hundred times scarier. I could-
n’t read it late at night or when I was by myself. The book touches on many things that the movie was forced to leave out, such as
the journey that Jack Torrance takes into madness as he leafs through newspaper clippings about the history of the Overlook Hotel.
Also, those damn hedge animals are so much creepier than that thing dressed in that furry suit that is, ahem, “acting inappropriate-
ly” on another man (which, thankfully, does not appear in the book). Be prepared for a more explosive ending as well.

The War of the Worlds (Blackstone audio book)

I can listen to this over and over again and never get sick of it. I love the idea of people facing the destruction of mankind, and
Christopher Hurt’s narration really makes it frightening (in the best possible way, of course). H.G. Wells’ story might be lengthy
and a little tough to stomach on the page, but you’ll be done with it after about five hours. And trust me, you’ll want to start it over
again, and again…

World War Z by Max Brooks

Another book about the destruction of the human race. An outbreak of zombies paralyzes every continent and wipes out more
than half of the population. The scariest part isn’t the gore, but the politics behind it. In the Ukraine, the lower class is hoarded into
pens to act as a distraction so the more important people could escape, and Yonkers becomes the sight of the largest and most fright-
ening battle as zombies from New York City outlast the ammunition of soldiers. Not only is it frightening, but it’s also great polit-
ical commentary, which is, of course, the scariest thing of all.

“A Good Man is Hard to Find” by Flannery O’Connor

This story really threw me for a loop. A murderer called “The Misfit” is on the loose in the South, and granny gets into a car
accident. And granny gets it good. Not only did this put me through the psychological ringer, but its pro-religion sentiment makes
it frightening as ever.

And the Band Played On by Randy Shilts

This account of the beginnings of the AIDS epidemic is a must-read for everyone. Randy Shilts was a San Francisco-based jour-
nalist who exclusively covered HIV and AIDS when it became a prominent issue. This is a great example of how the bigotry of
some contributes to the deaths of many. Watch as our country’s representatives fail to focus their attentions on HIV because of its
brand as a “homosexual disease”, while one flight attendant known as Patient Zero travels the world and spreads it even further.
The scariest thing? It’s all true. Now that gives me chills

www.thestonybrookpress.com
26
Stephanie Hayes
The Evil Dead

This one Valentine’s Day, David and I decided to watch the Evil Dead trilogy. I hadn’t seen the first one before and it scared the
bejesus out of me. Now that I’ve given it a few more viewings, I have no idea why I was so terrified. Maybe it’s because I asso-
ciate Ash with humor and didn’t know how to handle a serious Bruce Campbell. Or maybe it’s because it was after midnight and
I’m still afraid of the dark. Whatever. I had some Valentine’s Day nightmares, I’ll tell you what.

American Gothic

A bunch of cocky, raucous teenagers get lost and stuck with a bunch of backwoods psychos. I know; it’s a tired plot. But this
one is really scary! Apart from Dennis Hopper, Rod Steiger is the creepiest male presence ever to grace the silver screen. Jed from
Oklahoma!? That’s Rod Steiger! Whoa -- I shuddered just typing his name out. I don’t know what else to say about this movie.
There are fifty-year-old children that sleep with each other and sharp objects that collide with people’s heads.

Mrs. Pearson in Angel Season 1, “Rm w/a Vu”

Cordelia moves into her dream apartment, but it’s haunted by a freaky old woman. I’m too lazy to look up the exact exchange
so here’s what I remember. Cordelia’s all like, “I’d rather die than give this place up!” and you hear an angry ghost woman cack-
ling away, “Hahaha! If that’s what you want, dear! Hahaha!” Apparently some people think Mrs. Pearson is comical but I shrieked
out loud and pulled the covers over my face. I decided to never ever live alone no matter how fantastic the apartment seems.

Killer Clowns from Outer Space

I ran out of movies that have actually frightened me. I know there are a lot but I can’t think of ‘em. My manager reminded me
of this little gem. Did you watch this as a child and fear that your brains were going to be turned into cotton candy? I did! Ah!
Clowns! My friend and I decided to watch it a couple years ago. We rolled our eyes and laughed at the shitty acting, but secretly
I was still afraid.

Ginger Snaps, Unleashed

Yeah. I’m all out of horror films capable of horrifying. You’d think with a category as broad as “scary things,” I’d be able to
think of something that isn’t a movie but… nope. Anyway, the Ginger Snaps trilogy isn’t scary, but it is awesome. Unleashed is
the second and it’s my fave. It brings to mind the best years in high school and is, you know, really satisfying.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
25
James Messina
Responsibility & The Future

I capitalized that shit for a reason. I don’t want to go into this too deeply because I’ll sound like a whiny pussy. But rest assured,
nothing scares me as much as this combination of things.

Cola

I don’t have to explain this one. It’s an irrational phobia. I can’t stand to be around it. I needed to volunteer for high school
once, did a bottle drive. Never again.

Having your eyes removed ...

Having your eyes removed by some scary dude, and then having him clang about with various metal implements while you lay
helpless and blind — Axiomatic. Shit, that’d suck. You wouldn’t know what he was going to do with you, but all that clanging?
You’d get ideas. Fuck you, scary dude.

Heights

I’m scared of heights. I don’t mind being high up; I like it. I climb trees a lot. The part I hate about heights is the wobbling.
In middle school, you’d have to climb that rope in gym class. I could do it like a fucking sailor ‘til I got to the top and realized
how fucking wobbly it was and how small the piece of metal holding that rope up was. Same situation with trees. A strong wind
is enough to convince me to scrabble back down.

Goth kids

Nah, kidding. You guys aren’t as scary as you think you are. At all.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
24
Steve McLinden
Underwater Levels in Sonic The Hedgehog

So I was probably about eight years old in the glory days of Sega Genesis. And when you’re in the Aquatic Ruins, you can’t be
underwater for more than a certain time without breathing. The screen begins to countdown from five as suspenseful music plays,
and, holy shit, it scared the crap out of me. I can feel my pulse rate rising just thinking about it.

Zoobilee Zoo

This crappy kid’s TV show about people dressed as animals was on TLC in the late ‘80s/early ‘90s, and I hated it. It’s a bunch
of actors wearing costumes and makeup to look like animals; what the fuck is that? Like that parrot girl, she just wears a parrot
suit, but her face is exposed and she has a beak and talks like a parrot would. I don’t mind sports mascots or Disney characters in
costume, but humans with animal features, now that freaks me out. Fucking furries.

Snakes in Toilets

Do you ever go in the bathroom and look before you sit down, just to make sure there are no serpents rising from the water?
Because you should. Every once in a while, you’ll hear a story about it. Some woman in Florida was bitten by a snake in her toi-
let. In England, some guy disposed of this massive boa constrictor in an apartment’s drains and it’d come up while people were
using the “loo.” As if you didn’t have enough reason to hover while pooping in the Union.

Unsolved Mysteries

I mean, it was on Lifetime, it shouldn’t be scary. But people who say this didn’t freak them out a little are probably lying. I guess
it was all those stories about dead people and that Robert Stack narrator guy’s creepy voice. But the theme music was the worst.
If you ever turned on the TV as this show started, the intro was all suspenseful and just incredibly spooky. It really needed a parental
advisory warning; that way we could change the channel before the music started and scared the shit out of us.

Temple Guards

Out of all of the ‘90s cheaply-produced Nickelodeon game shows, Legends of the Hidden Temple was the best because it had a
talking rock named Olmec. The Temple Guards were dressed as Mayan warriors or something, and they were there to make sure
kids didn’t win any prizes. They’d just jump out and basically molest the kids, and sometimes they hid in enchanted trees with a
face and branches as armholes for molesting. OK, so the Guards weren’t particularly scary, but what if one of them ran out of the
woods while you were walking to Javits and grabbed you?

www.thestonybrookpress.com
23
Berta Rezik
How my parents met

On a nudist beach.

Campus Geese

Straight out of a Hitchcock film, these dirty animals follow you with their eyes, rudely squawk and advance without any inhibi-
tions into your personal space.

Seagulls

I know there’s a prevalent bird theme here but this was traumatic for me: summer of 1995. A gull stole my wiener at Jones Beach.

The “Stop and Chat”

Those of you that are socially inept can relate. You see an acquaintance in the distance, heading your way. You immediately
become fidgety and scan your surroundings for a quick escape hatch. But it’s too late! They are now within earshot and have spot-
ted you. The “Stop and Chat” occurs once you’ve decided that you know/like/care about them enough to stop walking and engage
in small talk. Other times a wave and a forced smile will do.

This

The inanity of this list is scary.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
22
Marta Gyvel
Cutting Class

Cutting class in high school and coming home with my partner-in-crime and fellow Press colleague to what I thought was an
empty house, but instead finding the front door chained… Then my dad opening it in boxers and shoving us out the door to take
out the garbage. Later on, my blushing mother guiltily preparing food, barely looking us in the face. You do the math. Creepy.

Wardrobe Malfunction

OK, this one really did scare the crap out of me in junior high. I came home from school one day and while putting my coat
away witnessed my closet door sliding to the side a few inches WITHOUT ME TOUCHING IT. It was like a scene from a scary
movie. I completely flipped out and ran out of the house. Wardrobe malfunction indeed.

Case-of-the-Sliding-Door

Part II of my Case-of-the-Sliding-Door. I cower in fear at the neighborhood library reading at some table. All of a sudden a big
burly cop comes in HOLDING A PICTURE of me. I hide my face in a book but he comes up to me anyway and grunts, “Is this
you?” I had to admit the inevitable. Turns out my parents got freaked out and called the cops. Oh, the trauma…

Eastern Europe

Ah, the pleasures of a summer in Eastern Europe. The air is fragrant, the sun is shining, I’m sitting at a local park smelling the
roses… with an old alcoholic stranger next to me, eyes glazed over and about to pass out (Ykraïna can I get a shout-out?!). Suddenly
he leans over and starts to make kissing noises aiming for my bare shoulder. I let out a bloodcurdling scream: “Aaaaaaah I wanna
go back to the states!”

My Weird Roommate

She woke me up every night to the sound of a rhythmic banging. At first I tried to ignore it, but then started looking over to see
what went on. She was cryptically banging the back of her head with her palm. The thoughts going through my mind at the time:
some ancient tribal ritual? A way to make her think?? A ploy to freak the fuck out of me??? When I finally asked her about it, after
weeks of scared silence, she replied…“Oh, I just do that because my head is itchy.” Whew. And then… “But this is the first time
I’ve done it, so whatever you’ve been hearing, it wasn’t me.” Dun dun dun...

www.thestonybrookpress.com
21
Elizabeth Kaplan
Boohbah

If you’ve never heard of them, it’s this kids’ show on ABC in which brightly colored, soft-looking blobs bump stomachs and
coo. They also repeat their names over and over.

My face after my surgery

I had reconstructive rhinoplasty/septoplasty last year after a bad fall down the stairs, and looked like this. I definitely frightened
some people on the street.

Stuffed dog with scary eyes

Last Halloween, my friends and I were watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose in my room, and this stuffed dog that I have was
on the floor. I looked down and he was staring right back up at me with these glowing, demonic puppy-eyes. Scary!!

Tyra Banks

Tyra Banks’s face without makeup. Or, her talk-show hosting techniques. Her forehead. I could go on. She is overall incredibly
spooky.

Getting Caught

My younger sister creeping down into the basement and catching me going down on my ex-boyfriend. I need not elaborate.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
20
David K. Ginn
The Tri-Star Intro

That unicorn is scary as hell. I don’t care what anyone else says. He fucking prances out of the darkness right toward you, and
just as he’s about to leap out of the screen, that wicked Tri-Star logo pops up and turns it all into a still image. I had nightmares
when I was a kid, and I have nightmares today.

The G’mork

So, imagine you’re a kid who hunts the purple buffalo in the land of Fantasia, when suddenly you’re called upon to find a cure
for the Child-Like Empress’ mysterious illness. You find out that this illness is directly connected to The Nothing, a force bent on
negating existence. Then you find out you’re being stalked by a large, vicious wolf. What’s worse? When you find him in a cave
he decides to have a chat with you. A fucking sit-down! What the hell? He’s a talking wolf who calls himself the G’mork, and
he’s a bloodthirsty fiend devoted to protecting The Nothing. He is fucking scary. Very scary. A fucking scary, talking beast.

Jasmine’s Face in Season 4 of Angel

I’m not going to give it away.

The Evil Dead

This movie was scary as all hell.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
19
First District: Eastern Long Island Second
District:
By Rebecca Kleinhaut eign policy.” However, he voted for the Italo Zanzi (Republican)
___________ Secure Fence Act of 2006 and a consti- Italo Zanzi received his MBA fro m
tutional amendment to ban desecration Emory University in 1999. He has not
Tim Bishop (Democrat) of the American flag. held an elected office.
Representative Tim Bishop has
served in the House of Representatives
since 2002, where he left his job as the
Here on Long Island, Congressman
Bishop has set aside $2.5 million to
preserve land on the East End. He has
According to his official website,
Zanzi “will fight to get more homeland
security dollars” for his district. In a
Central
Long
provost of Southampton College to also pumped $60 million for recon- recent debate with Congressman
make his first run for political off i c e . struction of damaged roadways in his Bishop, Zanzi also voiced support for
Congressman Bishop’s voting record district. As far as illegal immigration the Military Commissions Act, stating,
is aligned with the Democratic Party. goes, Tim Bishop has received a grade “If it’s a choice between ultra-due-

Island
He voted against the Military of D+ from Americans for Better process for a terrorist or keeping
Commissions Act, which allows the Immigration, which lobbies for a America safe, I pick keeping A m e ri c a
President to decide whether or not decrease in the number of immigrants safe.”
interrogation tactics go against the that come into the United States. He is In that same debate, Zanzi stated that By Caroline D’Agati
Geneva Conventions. He also voted also not in support of tax cuts, saying his priority was to “protect the legal ___________
against slashing funds from any federal that he believes that they only benefit taxpayer” and that he is not in support
student lending program, welfare, and the extremely wealthy. of a guest worker program. He believes Steve Israel (Democrat)
child support. According to his off i c i a l Planned Parenthood, the Sierra that any tax cuts will result in the trick- Democrat Steve Israel is the incum-
website, Tim Bishop supports with- Club, the United Transportation Union, le-down effect to the middle class. He bent congressman of the 2nd
drawal from Iraq “at the earliest possi- and the Suffolk County Police also stated that any corporate tax cuts Congressional District of New York.
ble date” and he has called the Iraq war Benevolence Association endorse would result in the hiring of more Born in Brooklyn, Israel graduated from
“the single greatest failure of our for- Congressman Bishop. employees. Nassau Community College and Georg e
Washington University. In 2001, he suc-
ceeded Senator Rick Lazio and became
an exemplary first-term representative.
He has served on both the House Armed
Services
Committee and the House Financial
Services Committee where he is helping
reduce international financing of terror-
ism. He also has secured over a hundred
and fifty million dollars to directly bene-
fit Long Island in the form of health
care, municipal, economic and educa-
Photo courtesy of house.gov Photo courtesy of zanzi2006.com Photo courtesy of newsday.org
tional improvements.
Rep. Steve Israel (D- 2nd District)
Rep. Tim Bishop (D- 1st District) Italo Zanzi (R- 1st District) He is particularly strong in his envi-
ronmental, educational, health care ener-
gy, and economic pursuits. He has made
great efforts to protect Long Island
Sound, improve prescription drug plans,
and make college education more aff o r d-
able. Despite his progressive policies,
some consider him to be a "name only"
Democrat due to his support of the war
in Iraq and staunch support of Israel.

John Bugler (Republican)


John Bugler is the Republican oppos-
Photo courtesy of hillnews.com Photo courtesy of daveforamerica.com Photo courtesy of bugler.org ing incumbent Steve Israel for
John Bugler (R- 2nd District)
Rep. Peter King (R- 3rd District) David Mejias (D- 3rd District) Representative of New York's 2nd

Third District: Eastern Nassau


Congressional District. Also born in
Brooklyn, he studied civil engineering at
Manhattan College - City College and
worked as a civil engineer for the New
By Vincent Michael Festa strongly supports the international war on County Executive Thomas Suozzi in vot- York State Department of Transportation
___________ terrorism both at home and abroad. King ing for budgets that resulted in no tax from 1965 to 2003. He previously
is not afraid to state his own opinions on increases for Nassau County and earned it worked as a volunteer with International
Peter King (Republican) political issues and on a personal level in an “A” bond rating. Mejias also hired Catholic Relief and served as a fire con-
Peter King is currently the U.S. a very blunt and direct manner. Due to his more that 450 police officers in 2004 and trol technician in the U.S. Navy.
Representative for NY’s 3rd controversial viewpoints, he is usually sponsored the toughest Megan’s He supports increased spending on
Congressional District. He is the only confronted with charges of racism for sin- Notification Law in the state. Some of education, health care and research, and
Republican congressman on Long Island gling out Muslims for racial profiling. Mejias’ plans include protecting a national defense. He also would support
and is also the chairman of the United women’s right to choose and fighting a law that would make English the
States House Committee on Homeland David Mejias (Democrat) against big oil. On world issues, Mejias is national language. He is anti-abortion
Security. King is a strong supporter of David Mejias is currently serving in the for the total support and defense of except when it endangers the health of
more Homeland Security funding based Nassau County Legislature and has made Israel’s freedom and independence. He the mother. Interestingly enough, he
on threat analysis, for building a more Long Island history by being the first also supports a free Lebanon. He was supports the prescription of marijuana by
than 700-mile wall dividing the U.S. and Latino ever to be elected in Nassau accused by King of being linked to “radi- medical professionals as suitable treat-
Mexico to fight illegal immigration. He County government. He supported Nassau cal” Muslim leaders. ment. No, for real.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
18
Fourth District: West- Senate: Clinton vs.
Central Nassau
By Rebecca Kleinhaut and Alex Walsh ferred more sunset provisions to be includ-
Spencer
By Karytza Vergara methods of creating jobs and promoting
___________ ed in it.” ___________ growth for the American people. Her plat-
forms also include the encouragement of
Carolyn McCarthy (Democrat) M a rtin Blessinger (Republican) Hillary Clinton (Democrat) quality education for all children, the con-
Carolyn McCarthy has been serving in Marty Blessinger, a retired police officer Hillary Clinton, the current Democratic tinuous protection of the environment, the
the House of Representatives since 1997. and EMT, is the Republican challenger for Senator of New York, has held various capability of providing quality healthcare,
She voted against the Military the fourth district. political standpoints and views during this and the protection of Social Security for
Commissions Act and the SAFE Act, He is in line with Republican views on senatorial election. One of her well-known all Americans.
which seeks to increase security for mar- most issues. He supports the war in Iraq, causes revolves around the position of
itime cargo. In earlier years, saying “for the good of the country, we strengthening homeland security and John Spencer (Republican)
Congresswoman McCarthy voted for the must stand firm and resolve, and support financial compensations for those that John Spencer, the Republican opposing
Corporate Fraud Accountability Act of the president in his current strategy.” were affected by 9/11 and Hurricane candidate running for the position of
2002, which sought to put harsher punish- Blessinger has proposed deploying the Katrina. Others include her ongoing sup- Senator of New York, currently holds only
ments on publicly-traded companies National Guard to the nation’s border to port for the “War on Terror.” As the first a few declared political positions during
engaged in auditing fraud. She is in support assist the Border Patrol. He opposes the New York Senator to ever serve on the this election. His views include increased
of immediately planning an exit strategy expansion of eminent domain to include Senate Armed Services Committee, she border security when concerned with ille-
for Iraq, but she recognizes that “a hasty seizures for potential tax revenue. proclaims that national security needs to gal immigrants encouraging militias, and
withdrawal could create more instability A moral conservative, Blessinger oppos- be protected by the military forces, and the the enforcing the constitutional right of
and leave the door open for future re- es gay marriage and late-term abortion. He resources that aid them in this combat bearing arms as a method to protect the
deployment of our troops to the region.” favors notification of parents for teenage against terrorism should continue to be American nation. His other platform
Since 2003, Carolyn McCarthy has held abortions. He says he does not see a “real given. Concerning the United States econ- involves his views of pro-life and his over-
an annual seminar to explain grant writing conflict” between security and civil rights omy, she is determined to find different all value of human life.
to local firehouses so that they can apply at present. “It's American to be suspicious
for more Homeland Security money. As for of authority,” he says “but it has to be
the Patriot Act, McCarthy stated, “I sup- understood that a balance between these
ported the Patriot Act, but would have pre- principles must be drawn.”

Photo courtesy of house.gov Photo courtesy of blessingerforcngress.gov Photo courtesy of yale.edu Photo courtesy of the Interwebs
Carolyn McCarthy (D- 4th District) Marty Blessinger (R- 4th District) Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) John Spencer (R- NY)

Attorney General: Cuomo vs. Pirro


By Chris Williams Cuomo developed a plan that includes proposal for illuminating what influences enforcement, and better use of automated
___________ technology that will enable authorized the state government. This project will fraud detection.
purchasers to fire their guns. In addition, require a comprehensive Internet data- She fought for legislation that required
A n d rew Cuomo (Democrat) he plans to develop greater tracking of base for monitoring “elected officials, the civil confinement of violent sexual
Andrew Cuomo has advocated for illegal guns. He also plans to ban the sale campaign contributions, lobbyists, corpo- predators that were likely to repeat
improved homeless and housing policies of junk guns. rations, and state contracts.” o ffenses. Similarly, Pirro believes that
for years. Under the administration of His plan to maintain the health of the drug crimes should be “prosecuted vigor-
former President Bill Clinton, Andrew e m e rgency personnel of September 11 Jeanine Pirro (Republican) ously.” Her proposed plan includes a cen-
Cuomo was the Secretary of Housing and includes increased long-term medical Jeanine Pirro has served as the elected tral intelligence agency for state police
Urban Development (HUD) from 1997 to coverage. He also plans to compel the District Attorney of Westchester County o rganizations that investigates the theft of
2001. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) from 1993 to 2005. She has become well- chemical narcotic components.
For Medicaid fraud, Cuomo wants to to provide comprehensive testing and known for her legislation and agencies in Pirro believes in fighting for the rights
institute a comprehensive plan, which cleanup for WTC-related contamination. regard to domestic violence. In addition, of victims. For example, she convicted a
includes financing district attorneys’ His proposed Senior Citizen she has been a dedicated advocate for the municipal director for stealing public
fraud prosecution, and increasing polic- Protection Unit will investigate the rights of women, children, and families. funds. Also, she helped to collapse one of
ing of large for-profit insurance compa- exploitative activities toward New York’s Pirro’s view of Medicaid fraud shows New York State’s largest identity theft
nies. His policies on domestic violence elderly. His strategy for environmental that it should be prosecuted as a felony rings.
include increased enforcement and pre- issues involves passing new legislation on and, where applicable, requires imprison- Her stance on environmental issues
ventive measures, as well as giving protecting natural resources, and forcing ment. This action intends to stop current required polluters to remove hazardous
secure housing to victims of domestic power plants to reduce harmful emis- o ffenders and provide a deterrent for conditions and improved facilities. In
violence. sions. prospective offenders. Pirro’s view also addition, she developed the
To reduce the sale of illegal firearms, Cuomo’s “Project Sunlight” is a new involves more coordination among law Environmental Crimes Bureau.
www.thestonybrookpress.com
17
NY Governor: Spitzer
vs. Faso
By Joe Rios able housing, and most importantly to
___________ those struggling for it, making capital
available for building and purchasing
Eliot Spitzer (Democrat) homes.
Since current Governor George Pataki
is not running for re-election, current John Faso (Republican)
Attorney General Eliot Spitzer is running On the opposite side of the ballot, the
for the position of Governor of New York Republican candidate for Governor is
State. Spitzer is focused on lowering John Faso, with his running mate Scott
property taxes, making health care more Vanderhoef. According to his campaign
a ffordable for everyone, and ensuring website (www.johnfaso2006.com), Faso
health care for every child. intends to reform Albany through what
Running with State Senate Minority he calls “The Faso Plan.” How does he
Leader David A. Paterson, Spitzer is intend to do this? The primary goals out-
focusing on numerous real-world issues. lined in the Faso plan include: spurring
With regards to the state’s failing trans- economic growth through tax cuts,
portation network, he has a road map to reducing health care costs and making
success, stating, “to end this gridlock, we the health care system more efficient,
need to establish a transportation road addressing New York's energy needs,
map with clear priorities and concrete “bringing school property tax relief to all
milestones.” How does he plan to do New Yorkers,” reforming Medicaid, and
this? According to his campaign website, perhaps most importantly, reducing gov-
the goals are to “set clear priorities for ernment spending.
major projects, maintain the existing net- Like Eliot Spitzer, John Faso is also
work, promote smart growth, and focused on addressing the transit issues
improve safety and security.” Another of New York. Unlike Spitzer, though,
real-world issue that Spitzer aims to Faso's transportation plan is significantly
address is the lack of affordable housing focused on the funding of plans, primari-
in New York. He aims to do this by ly by “cutting taxes across the board and
appropriating state lands to build aff o r d- reducing costs.”

Photo courtesy of jimmonahan.com Photo courtesy of the Interwebs


Elliot Spitzer (Democrat) John Faso (Republican)

20

www.thestonybrookpress.com
16
Slow Fire Trucks: How Long Does it Take
for Our Heroes to Arrive?
By Kotei Aoki A few minutes after the firefighters went that everything looked okay. It was past 1:52 out. In fact, those firefighters covered the
___________ inside the residence hall with Setauket para- AM. game room with powder, left their footprints
medics, the students started gathering around After everyone returned into Douglass all over the basement, and walked away from
32 minutes. the back of Douglass College. It was at that College, I continued the investigation. The the scene. Their crews do not even seem
That is how long Setauket Fire moment I realized that it was not just a fire game room was covered with fine-grain yel- worth our taxes. The alarm was indeed for the
Department’s fire truck took to arrive at drill. They were trying to peek over their low dust. It was probably from the fire extin- emergency in the basement. So could you
Douglass College in Tabler Quad. Keep in dorm-mates’ shoulders to see what the fire- guisher. Possibly the problem had been in the possibly rely on such slow rescuers?
mind that the national standard, set by the fighters (something like all eight of them) game room. The pool table, air hockey table, Let me get the statistics now. The national
National Fire Protection Association, for fire could be doing. In a few more minutes, the ping-pong table, and all but two couches that standard I mentioned earlier is not an order
truck response time is six minutes, as the firefighters came out and headed to their fire had been carried outside were all covered in for the fire department to arrive at the scene in
Boston Globe reports. The following is an truck. When they were coming back, they the clay- or talc-like yellow powder. It will be time. However, the reality is that, nationally,
actual case on campus that led to this article. merely half of all fire departments satisfy the
On Tuesday, October 10th, the emergency six-minute response time, the Boston Globe
alarm went off after midnight. I was just head- also reports. That figure is actually still
ing back to Hand College (in Tabler as well) delightful compared to other recent statistics.
from the Press office when suddenly I heard If I glance at the statistics of the response
an unpleasant noise. It was 1:02 AM. time, I cannot think of a single statistical dis-
I rushed toward the source of this sound tribution curve (such as a bell-shaped curve,
and saw that students were coming out. Many one that was probably well-lectured in your
evacuees wore light cloths: shorts and shirts. statistics class) that would make the time
They also had sweatshirts or jackets on top, Setauket Fire Department took to get to
but it was apparent that they had snatched Douglass College (32 minutes) a statistically
them on their way out of their rooms. In four acceptable delay. If the distribution of all fire
minutes, everyone was out of Douglass departments’response rates were bell-shaped,
College. The National Institute of Standards Setauket’s 32 minutes would lie beyond 25
and Technology reported that the time in standard deviations* away since about half of
which people should evacuate before they are all fire departments actually could arrive in
overcome by heat and smoke is now three Fire Department six minutes. 25 standard deviations! If you
The fire’s in our pants, big guys
minutes. So this is, of course, something we remember the bell-shaped curve and the use
should take more seriously. We pay the price were carrying a fan. It was not a regular fan a pain to clean those couches. If the alarm had of the standard deviations, you can tell how
for risks such as fire hazards, and we also pay but was large and powerful enough to be of been for the emergency, I would say it had significant their delay was. Only one skewed
firefighters who arrive after all the damage is industrial use; it was made of metal and was been located close to the socket into which the curve makes their response delay less signifi-
done. If the students were swift enough to heavy enough to require a few fire fighters to air hockey table might have been plugged, cant, and that would affect our views of all the
clear out of the dorm in less than five minutes, carry together. I overheard, “Is it that seri- according to the thickness of the powder fire departments in our nation. Think about all
should the fire department arrive so late? ous?” It was 1:45 AM. around that area. the possible curves that would accommodate
Expecting that the alarm meant another fire A few firefighters mainly worked in the But, wait. Don’t you think this is odd? Setauket’s Fire Department; you will only be
drill, many of them stood near the doors. One game room in the basement. Others worked Why did the fire department take so much questioning their productivity. If a large part
of the doors was kept open. It was 1:06 AM. outside, using flashlights, but were still in time responding to the emergency, anyway? of the probability distribution lies at an
Contrary to their expectations, the alarm front of the game room. A black solid was If it was just a fire drill, and there was no extreme, some fire departments can respond
did not seem to turn off in fifteen minutes. leaning against a wall. Some of the firefight- immediate threat, they might have not to emergencies very quickly and some others
Many students started moving away from ers seemed to be newbies, which is always responded to the call urgently. If the fire respond too slowly. If this is the case, then the
where they had been standing for the last sev- our concern because the effectiveness of their department actually took our calls in this security systems of fire departments need to
enteen minutes. Then, finally, the chief of the work influences our survival in case of emer- emergency as jokes, the whole reason behind be reviewed. I imagine that many people once
Setauket Fire Department arrived on the gencies. However, they were not productive making us do the fire drills at least twice a dreamed of being firefighters. It is a real
scene. He went into the building. He and a enough in this case. One newbie kept fum- year (one in the morning, another at night) shame that our childhood heroes cannot carry
few staff members of Douglass College bling while handling tools. It was not a pleas- would be lost. Moreover, we would not need out their jobs properly.
inspected the building. It was 1:26 AM. ant reality to witness that our lives were rely- to rely on them anyway because we could use * I assumed that beyond 5th standard devi-
Finally, the fire truck showed up. It was ing on such inefficient rescuers. The alarm fire extinguishers to make a mess in our build- ation the probability of the event is zero.
1:34 AM. shut off soon after they all seemed to agree ings and not clean the dirt after setting the fire

“That Guy”...continued
day. He may have had severe alcohol rescued. sibly take it home. Jim Bob decided the throughout the night. This led to the
poisoning (but that is also speculation). During the ragged winter of 2005 Jim latter, and began kicking the shit out of the drunken consumption of Chinese food
It was prom night 2002 and Fat-Fuck Bob was driving his “That Guy” truck, deer. The final finishing move was, sandwiches. Later on that year, Fat-Fuck
Barrel Boy was going to show off his complete with a Flintstones-style hole indeed, the neck break. Jim Bob left that Barrel Boy would outdo Randolph by
great athletic prowess. He had drank his where the feet are supposed to rest. Jim night more of a “That Guy”, and a local consuming a bucket of warm Steele
weight in beer (300 pounds, but that is Bob was on his way home this particular redneck hero. Reserve mixed with Cooks beer and once
purely speculation) and was now attempt- night when a deer ran into the road. Jim It was the great spring semester of 2006 again set a record in puking. William
ing to jump a two-man tent. He gave him- Bob sped up and hit the deer before it got and “That Guy” William Randolph set out Randolph will always be remembered,
self a 3-foot runway before he decided to away. He then got out of his truck (possi- to create the ultimate “That Guy” drink. though, as a pioneer in “That Guy” culi-
fly like, well, like a Fat-Fuck Barrel Boy. bly leaving the AK-47 he bought from his Being the genius he was, Randolph nary arts.
In fine “That Guy” fashion, Barrel Boy drug dealer in the truck, but those details accomplished this feat on his first try. He
did a top-rated belly flop flat onto the tent. are unsure) to check to see if the deer was mixed spicy V8 with 151 and Stroh’s, and All of the above stories are true. Please
Immediately, those inside started to still alive. The deer was indeed still alive. consumed the drink in one chug. With the send in your own “That Guy” moments.
scream for their lives. Barrel Boy was Jim Bob was faced with the decision to cheers of all those present he continued to Continued from previous page
rolled off the tent and those inside were either let the deer suffer or kill it and pos- create V8, 151, and beer combinations

www.thestonybrookpress.com
15
Drunk Driving: Where to Draw the Lines
By Mia Fischer was convicted on two counts of second- second-time offenses occur frequently. role in preventing drunk drivers from get-
___________ degree murder for killing two people while There are absolutely no excuses for driving ting on the road.
going the wrong way on the Meadowbrook drunk, and one’s license should be revoked Putting a person in prison for life is a
There has been a growing trend through- Parkway. His blood alcohol level was three for a significant period of time after the first waste of government money that could be
out the nation’s courts to charge drunk driv- times above the legal limit. Jurors had to offense. spent preventing the vehicular homicide in
ers with murder when their wildly reckless decide whether or not he was guilty of mur- These drunk drivers may be reckless, but the first place: alcoholism counseling pro-
behavior leads to a death. This is an inappro- der, and after telling the judge twice that they are also most likely suffering from grams, training restaurant staff to better rec-
priate interpretation of the distinctions they were deadlocked, Mr. Heidgen now alcoholism. Alcoholism is a serious disease; ognize when there is an inebriated guest, or
between murder and manslaughter. A m u r- faces a second-degree murder charge and 25 but it is often not thought of as a disease. public education programs about alcoholism
der charge (whether it is first or second years to life in prison. If prosecutors contin- Alcoholism occurs when one’s desire to and drunk driving.
degree) requires that the defendant had uously charge drunk-driving defendants consume alcohol affects one’s daily life. If drunk drivers are convicted of murder,
“malice aforethought” (premeditation), had with murder instead of manslaughter, it will Driving drunk is an obvious sign of alco- what is the difference between someone
intended to kill or do harm, and was sane at be less likely that a jury will convict them; holism, which renders you unable to control who uses a gun to kill people in a park and
the time of the crime. Although drinking and as the majority of the public does not view drinking and even losing a sense of whether a drunk driver? How can the courts distin-
driving is a gravely serious offense, murder vehicular homicide as murder. you are drunk or sober. guish between a person clearly deciding to
charges should not be brought against a sus- Drunk driving, whether it results in a The issue of whether to charge a drunk- kill others, and a drunk driver with dimin-
pect who kills while drinking and driving; as homicide or not, is a seriously prevalent driving person who committed vehicular ished capacity? Charging drunk drivers with
these distinctions usually are not present. crime. People who commit this crime are homicide with murder is very complicated. murder is draconic and fails to make this
Primarily, it cannot be assumed that a endangering the public and should face It is almost impossible to prove beyond a distinction. There is an unmistakable diff e r-
drunk driver intended to do harm before he severe consequences the first time they are reasonable doubt that “malice aforethought” ence between these individuals, and the
started drinking. Secondly, it cannot be caught. I suggest a mandatory five-year sus- was present, or that a drunk driver has courts must recognize it. People will not
assumed that a drunk driver had “malice pension of a drunk driver’s license with intended to hurt someone. When a drunk stop drinking and driving if more drunk
aforethought,” in the time leading up to the mandatory alcoholism counseling for the driver turns the ignition, it is a failure not drivers are convicted of murder, just as cap-
vehicular homicide. Thirdly, a drunk driver first offense. If a second offense should only of the individual but also of society as ital punishment doesn’t deter crime. What
by definition is of “diminished capacity,” occur, this drunk driver’s license should be a whole. Bartenders who care more about will help lower the numbers of fatalities in
meaning that he/she did not know what suspended for 10 years, and he/she should making a profit then preventing an already these circumstances is public education,
he/she was doing at the time of the crime. have to continue alcoholism and psychiatric inebriated person from drinking further, mandatory counseling and long-term license
There are no official statistics on how counseling. The current New York State friends who don’t establish “designated revocation for offenders, along with raising
many drunk drivers are convicted of murder laws include mandatory workshops for con- drivers” when going out to party, family awareness in society about the issue.
when they commit vehicular manslaughter. victed drunk drivers, but these workshops members who ignore obvious signs of alco- Prevention will save lives; simply punishing
Recently, on Long Island, Martin Heidgen are obviously not comprehensive enough, as holism…. All of these groups can play a offenders saves no one.

The Real Patriot


By Shaun Bennett this talk about fixing shit to impress a girl, or make their way in what we’re told is a free ty fucking stuck on it. Maybe if the Patriot
___________ being unable to call a contractor, sounds a lit- country. The Patriot, on the other hand, just spent more time on real news than the gay
tle like over-compensation to me. If you knows them as the “wetbacks” and offers a “lifestyle” they’d have more readers. No one
I love freedom of speech. I love freedom have to shove your masculinity in someone’s satirical piece proposing alligators as border should be bullied into staying in the closet.
of the press. These are two of the greatest lib- face by wearing plaid and driving a pick-up protection. Great idea guys, let’s eliminate The Bible may tell you that man shall not lie
erties a government can offer, with boundless then I promise you, dear readers, those with a the very essence of what California needs for with man as he lies with woman, but, and I’m
possibilities, and access to a wide variety of trace of common sense will see right through its agricultural industry. Let’s ignore the fact no religious expert, I’m pretty sure it dictates
resources and news outlets from all across the you, and they will laugh. They will laugh in that this country was founded on the labor of understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance
spectrum. Like all good things, however, the your fucking face for the fake you are. immigrants. What we should focus on is too. So basically, you’ll go to hell if you
insidious right wing has to find a way to real- Degrading women by saying they are inca- how illegal immigrants will take up all of our judge a gay person, sinner. Besides, do I
ly fuck it up. Thus, the Stony Brook Patriot pable of mindless tasks doesn’t make you welfare! Those damn tricky uneducated, have to go over the masculinity thing again?
was born. Now, it comes as no surprise that look macho – it makes you look like a prick. unskilled workers have found a way to get on Grow some of your own balls and stop wor-
such an iconic, idealized American term such I don’t know if the women I know are differ- welfare without ever being registered or rec- rying about what other guys are doing with
as “Patriot” would be utilized for conserva- ent, but they generally don’t let you rip their ognized by the government. And they’re tak- theirs. If you’re so interested in what’s going
tive bullshit. After all, these are the same on in other bedrooms, buy some porn and call
people who turned the word freedom into a it a day. This fascination with the gay stereo-
call to arms. These are the same people who type (i.e. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,
changed the Estate Tax to the “Death” Tax, every cinematic portrayal of a gay men, ever)
attempting to manipulate the American pub- feels a little tedious and I’m ready for the
lic into giving the filthy rich yet another country, like every person with only a reason-
break, and eliminating .03% of our entire panties off with your teeth after you tell them ing up all the 25-cents-an-hour jobs! These able amount of patience, to chill out about it.
nation’s GPA . But enough of that, the latest they’re inferior. Whatever happened to the tireless laborers have more drive and work I’m not even going into the cartoon of
issue of the Patriot was so abhorrent, so dev- days we celebrated Billy Jean King kicking ethic than I think I’ve ever seen in an mentally challenged people. I will when I
astatingly degrading, that they attacked Bobby Riggs’s ass in tennis? Giving women American, and we can’t grant them the right figure out how to stoop low enough to fight
everything from women’s rights to more does not mean men get less. Women to live here, or even a little fucking respect? on that level, though.
Hispanics, immigrants, homosexuals, and earning as much as men (which they still We’ve all met the stereotypical gay guy. Not content with being a little politically
yes, they even threw in a cartoon mocking don’t) does not lower the income of men. None of us probably liked him, either. Loud incorrect for the sake of humor, the Patriot
the mentally challenged. I have taken it upon Letting women fix shit themselves should not and obnoxious, willing to advertise his sexu- has launched an all-out offensive on
myself to help the printed word recover some hurt your self-esteem; hell, it’s one less thing ality at every opportunity, the stereotypical American Idealism. Talk about kicking
of its credibility, so let’s take a look back. we have to do. gay man can be one of the worst. But I am someone when they’re down, the Patriot’s
When I open a newspaper, probably one I will never comprehend the backlash smart enough to know that this one person or vapid attempts at journalism and humor
of the last things I need to read is how to “Be against immigration that has plagued this attitude does not define an entire group of aren’t worth the trees that were cut down to
a Real Man.” Granted, the author of this fine country since the 1800s We may have gotten people. Who someone is attracted to does supply the opportunity. Thank you, though,
advice column was clever enough to some- rid of quotas but racism still lingers. I consid- not have to be a reflection on who they are. writers, editors, and readers of the Patriot, for
how make puns with the words “tool” and er the wave of immigration from south of the The politically incorrect better hope this joke reminding the rest of us how truly horrible
“handy”, it just wasn’t enough for me. All border an influx of willing workers trying to never gets old, because they seem to be pret- this country can get.
www.thestonybrookpress.com
14
Vote, Dammit! Nagler’s Steps to Change
By Alex H. Nagler the 57 students not registered please put Internet is made of tubes, and incompetence Alex Nagler’s Steps To Change:
___________ down their pencils, pack up their notes, and in general. The current makeup of Congress
leave the room? Thank you. That leaves 43 is slanted towards the right, with Tell your friends. I’m sure I’m not the
Forty-seven percent, with an increase of of us. Let’s adjust our seats so we we’re clos- Republicans controlling both the House of only talking head wannabe flapping their
eleven percent from the last time. No, this er together. Now, don’t get too comfortable, Representatives and the Senate by decent gums about how the youth vote can be
isn’t the latest data on how many people as only 47% of the remaining people actual- margins. However, a midterm similar to that used as a catalyst, but I sometimes feel
actually attended that 300-person lecture ly voted in 2004. So, will the 21 students of 1994 is brewing again. like I’m the only one here. You’ve made
class that’s in your schedule. It’s the percent who did not cast their ballots in 2004 please In 1994, Newt Gingrich created the it to this point. Tell people about this.
of registered voters between the ages of 18 leave? Alright… now how many people do “Contract With America”, promising more Make sure that both you and they are
to 24 that actually voted in the 2004 election. we have left? 22…This is less than a quarter jobs, lower taxes, and openness to the informed about this upcoming election.
Mind you that this was an election with a of our original population. You can now see American people. It worked. For the first Learn about the candidates. This goes
record turnout where over 64 percent of reg- for people everywhere, regardless of
istered voters showed up to the polls and cast age. Don’t vote along straight party
their ballots. The saddest part of all this is the
November 7th is nearly upon us and Midterm elections are in lines. Learn who you like and who you
fact that it’s considered a record election. full swing. So, in the words of the Daily Show, let’s have a dislike in the election. Be an educated
Change can come, but voter turnout is still voter.
on a steady decline and we’re up next as the “Midterm Midtacular.” Become Involved. If the spirit moves
major voting block. you, find out about your local campaigns
For the month of October, I worked with why politicians don’t really count on us as a time in fifty years, the Republicans gained and, who knows, even volunteer some
NYPRIG to help register people to vote. You voting block. the majority in the House, picking up 57 time to help them out with calls and
know NYPIRG… we’re the annoying ones As should be evident by now, voter seats, and they took the Senate as well. envelope stuffing. Become directly
with the clipboards who ask you while turnout is not what it should be for 18 to 24 Historians call this the “Republican involved in the political process. Or, run
you’re eating if you’d like to register to vote. year olds. Here it is no different. We live on Revolution”. The Democrats stand on the for something yourself if you really
The ones for whom you come up with what a campus with an estimated 6,000 other peo- cusp of their own revolution now, with polls d o n ’t like the state of things.
you think is a clever excuse for not register- ple. While it certainly doesn’t feel that way showing the Democrats poised to take back Vote, Dammit. Want to hear a sad
ing; that you have already or that you are at on the weekends, the numbers are in our the Senate and the House, creating what fact? Three people on this campus voted
home and you don’t want to. In reality, it’s favor. We’re essentially a small town, com- could be two years of a lame duck presiden- in the primary election this year. And I
more of an apathetic measure of “I don’t plete with power plant and water purifica- cy for President Bush. Of course, what could w a s n ’t one of them (I have subsequently
give a damn.” Everyone’s Rhett Butler, leav- tion facilities. We have the power to change play a big part in this possible revolution? reregistered out of New York’s 13th
ing a distraught Scarlet O’Hara of voting the course of any local election we’d like if You guessed it: the youth vote. District and into its 1st). 6,000 people, 3
rights atop the stairwell of a ravaged democ- we were to rally behind the banner of one So we arrive at the crossroads of change. voters. In our classroom of 100 kids,
racy. candidate, but while all politics may be The torch will eventually be passed to our t h a t ’s one-twentieth a person. Let’s
Imagine a room made up of 100 18 to 24 local, I’m here to talk about elections on the generation to be the active one in politics, make it more than that for the general
year olds. Shouldn’t be too hard, just think of national scale. November 7th is nearly upon but that isn’t estimated for another dozen or election, okay? It’s your civic duty to get
your average 100-person lecture class on test us, and Midterm Elections are in full swing. so years when we become thirty percent of out there and vote. So vote, dammit.
day when everyone’s there. Let’s call this So, in the words of the Daily Show, lets have the electorate. That’s where the estimates are As Bob Dylan said, “The times, they
class Citizenship 101; it meets twice a week a Midterm Midtacular. off. We have the power to bring about tumul- are a-changing.” It’s our turn now to
on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 11:20, just for The current state of the political arena is tuous change, act as President Kennedy’s decide what we want from our country.
argument’s sake. We’re going to do a little somewhat of a bleak one. Congress is rising tide and lift all boats. I’ve spent a good Get out there on November 7th and
experiment with CIT101. Of those 100 peo- plagued with problems and scandals; among deal so far complaining, but now I’m going make your voice heard. You’ll be glad
ple, as with 18 to 24 year olds on average, them Iraq, the deficit, Congressmen having to actually propose a few things that can be you did and the country will be better off
43% of them are registered to vote. So, will cybersex with pages, Senators claiming the done to do something about it. with the participation of the masses.

Great Moments in “That Guy” History


By Ben Daggett your pussy saber, you could hurt some- they have been held at knife point but few the two “That Guys” left the situation
___________ one.” To which the brilliantly belligerent, alive can say they almost faced death at laughing and shared a nice cool red cup
boozed-up Broccoli replied, “Fuck you sword point. Randolph, still being drunk, full of cheap ass keg beer.
These are the amazing true stories of During August of 2002 a party was held
the people known as “That Guy”. Only to celebrate the recent homecoming. Fat-
names have been changed, to protect those Fuck Barrel Boy, “That Guy”, was in
guys. attendance at this party. Barrel Boy kicked
It was the summer of 2001 and keg sea- o ff the party in fine “That Guy” fashion by
son was officially open. Brock Broccoli, sitting directly on a bee’s nest and repeat-
“That Guy”, had recently gotten the shit edly claiming something bit him each
kicked out of him at “That Guy” William time. Finally he left the area and later fell
Randolph’s last kegger. Broccoli began directly into a ditch. Once the bees were
carrying a katana and throwing stars on evicted, Barrel Boy continued being “That
him to prevent any more serious ass beat- Guy”. Barrel Boy topped off the night by
ings. Many worried that someone might funneling a bottle of Goldschlager. Barrel
lose a limb due to Broccoli’s katana and Boy immediately became belligerently
kept their distance. Randolph decided to drunk, and about 10 minutes after that
take a piss at the wrong time that night. began his record-breaking 24-hour violent
Behind him, he could hear the sound of puking streak. Barrel Boy may be the
falling branches and sword swipes. This most diverse puker this country has ever
Randall Stevens
could only mean Broccoli was approach- Mmmmmm, man flesh. seen (but that is purely speculation).
ing him with his pussy saber. Randolph Barrel Boy puked on everything including
turned to face Broccoli. Thus began the Randolph, you want to die?” Oh, it was was only mildly scared until Broccoli the kitchen sink and a random animal. He
ultimate stand off of “That Guys”. on. Randolph now found himself in the started to move his sword point closer. continued to puke throughout the next
Randolph, in brilliantly stupid drunk fash- most peculiar situation of being held at Luckily, females came to the aid of
ion, yelled, “Hey asshole, quit wielding serious sword point. Many people will say Randolph and with some smooth talking Continued on page 6

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13
Men’s Shelters Ban Adoption of Black Cats
Soccer for Halloween to Stop “Satanists”
Clinches
By Andrew Pernick and animals are the purest expressions of also suggest that the number of animal
___________ that life force and as such are held sacred deaths per year that are purported to be the
and precious in the eyes of the Satanist.” result of occult activity is significantly
Animal lovers looking to adopt black Morgan, however, maintains that “if we higher than the actual number of animal

(continued)
cats this Halloween season are in for a sur- [the shelter] prevent one animal from get- sacrifices performed, most likely due to
prise at some animal shelters nationwide. ting hurt, then [the ban] serves its purpose.” misinformation that has made its way into
Across the country, animal shelters are ban- the law enforcement world. Animals are
ning the adoptions out of fears that the ani- more likely to die of natural causes or as a
Continued from previous page
mals might be sacrificed in “Satanic rituals” result of being attacked by other, larger ani-
work again in the 73rd minute. Tamer or that they would be mistreated or harmed mals, yet police officers may fail to diff e r-
Mohamed’s perfect cross from the left in Halloween pranks. entiate between a black cat that died as a
wing found Alexander Betancourt. Phil Morgan, director of the Kootenai result of an attack by a predator and a black
Betancourt’s flick bounced off the right Humane Society outside Boise, Idaho, cat that died as a result of so-called
post. called these risks “remote,” but added that, “Satanic” ritual. Finally, Snopes.com cau-
The Seawolves continued to attack “in the humane industry, it’s pretty typical tioned that the actual number of animals
fiercely. Gadiel Figueroa’s drive from 27 that shelters don’t do adoptions of black sacrificed in ritual per year is very low,
yards out sailed over the crossbar. cats or white bunnies because of the whole while the number of false reports is very
The lone opportunity in overtime came satanic sacrificial thing.” high.
from the Wildcats. Tepfer came up big two True Satanists, members of now- Religioustolerance.org maintains that the
minutes into the second overtime, denying deceased Anton LaVey’s Church of Satan, Randall Stevens link between Halloween and Satanism itself
Chris Banks’s point blank shot to the far do not use animals in their rites. The Die Katze: That’s German for “cat”...duh. is a product of modern Christian churches.
post. Church of Satan, in its Seventh Satanic The Baltimore State Attorney’s office The site cautions that “the more inclusive
Stony Brook has now clinched the play- Statement, maintains that “Satan represents tasked Michael F. Ryan to look into the rit- definition of [Satanic] used by some con-
o ffs for three seasons straight since man as just another animal, sometimes bet- ualistic slaughter of black cats by Satanists servative Christians defines two thirds of
Markovic took over in 2004. The ter, more often worse than those that walk on Halloween. After a lengthy investiga- the human race — over four billion people
Seawolves face New Hampshire in the first on all-fours, who, because of his ‘divine tion, he, like many other government off i- — as Satanists.”
round of the playoffs on Saturday. spiritual and intellectual development,’ has cials, concluded that the nationwide scare While the exact number of black cats
“It was a great ride for them for the sen- become the most vicious animal of all!” and concern for the felines is based on leg- killed in a ritualistic fashion every year may
iors,” mentioned Markovic. “They had Furthermore, The Eleven Satanic Rules of end and folklore and that there is no nation- not be known, it is widely believed to be
some great memories. No matter what, this the Earth, the centerpiece of the Satanic wide spate of black cat murders. “The more much smaller than that which police statis-
(LaValle) stadium is where they won the Church, commands Satanists, “Do not kill attention people give to this myth, it just tics show. Religious tolerance activists also
trophy last year and no one is going to take non-human animals unless you are attacked helps to ride along on a wave that takes on caution that the public not jump to conclu-
it from them.” or for food.” In the Church of Satan Youth a life of its own. It’s just not there,” he said. sions about dead animals, as they fear
Communique, the Church of Satan wrote Snopes.com’s researchers contend that another “Satanic Panic,” referring to the
that “Satanism isn’t about taking drugs, and “The problem is magnified at Halloween 1980-1995 period during which a wave of
it isn’t about harming animals or children. time, when any unusual or unexplained ani- allegations of “satanic ritual abuse” were
Unlike many religions and philosophies, mal death is automatically attributed to reported, almost all of which were later
Satanism respects and exalts life. Children Halloween-related satanic activity.” They found to be baseless.

Local Teen Killed in Robbery Chase


By Steve McLinden chased and shot at by another car on and they were charged with murder in the
___________ Nicolls Road. After making a right onto second degree on Wednesday. According
Patchogue-Holbrook Road, Herzberg ’s to the criminal complaint filed, Rivera
An eighteen-year-old from Holbrook car ultimately crashed into trees on the confessed that the pair “tried to rob Jack,
was shot and killed while driving during a side of the road. he took off in a Jeep Liberty, [and the two]
chase on the night of October 16th in what On Facebook, a global group with hun- chased him and shot at them in the car.”
S u ffolk County police are considering an dreds of members is dedicated to Tommy, Cronin, who was driving his black Acura
attempted robbery. Thomas Herzberg of with affectionate posts recalling how he in the pursuit, witnessed the crash and
Holbrook, a 2006 graduate of Sachem loved to play hockey, was always smiling, drove away, the complaint says. Lawyers
High School North, crashed on and was always willing to help a friend. for Cronin and Rivera have each contend-
Patchogue-Holbrook Road after a single At the location of the crash, friends have ed that his respective client was not the
gunshot struck him in the head. Two teens set up a memorial with flowers and a one to fire the gun.
have been charged with second-degree makeshift hockey stick cross with “TCH Friends of Herzberg suggested that he
murder, and friends, family, and the com- 86” — Herzberg’s initials and hockey and Cronin were friends and that a dispute
munity are shocked by the news. number— written on it. Thomas’ wake over drugs with other individuals may
Around 10:00 PM on that Monday was held on the 26th and 27th of October have been the cause of the attempted rob-
night, Herzberg and passenger Jack at Weber Funeral Home in Lake bery. Early reports indicated that two
Baretta, 21 and also of Holbrook, left Ronkonkoma, where lines of people from other vehicles containing up to four other
Baretta’s home just north of the Long the Sachem community waited in line to suspects were involved, but no individuals
Island Expressway in Herzberg ’s rented pay their respects. had been charged as of Friday the 27th.
Jeep Liberty. According to the passen- On Tuesday the 24th, Suffolk police Cronin and Rivera pled not guilty at
ger’s stepmother, another motorist was arrested Russell Cronin, an eighteen-year- S u ffolk County’s First District Court in
following them. At 10:37, Baretta called old from Lake Ronkonkoma and Brian Central Islip and are being held without
911, reporting that their car was being Rivera, also eighteen and from Holbrook, bail.

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12
Seawolves Sports
Men’s Soccer Shuts Down #25 Boston Terriers
By Antony Lin Musa ended up with the first golden The Seawolves were the dominating the ball brilliantly over Boston’s wall and
___________ opportunity of the match in the 10th minute. team in chances created for the second into the upper left corner for the go-ahead
Off a free kick taken by Michael Palacio half. goal. Riffet was left standing helplessly as
Stony Brook, NY-The Stony Brook from 40 yards out, Musa leaped in the air Stony Brook’s first chance in the second the ball traveled in.
Seawolves upset the Boston Terriers, 25th only to have his header saved by Terriers half came in the 52nd minute. Collecting “It is a great 3 pts for us,” mentioned
ranked in the nation, by the score of 1-0. goalkeeper Zach Riffet diving to his left. the ball from point blank on the left side Leis. “Whenever Palacio moved over the
Approximately 300 supporters were present The home side nearly took the lead in the off a corner kick, Tamer Mohamed’s left- ball, I took three free kicks and two of
with the evenly matched affair at LaValle 39th minute, only to be denied by the post. footed shot from a tough angle curled them went in. That play seemed to work.”
Stadium. Palacio sent a through ball to a sprinting inches wide of the upper right corner. Boston’s heavy pressure came to no
“This was a hard fought game and it was Leis. Beating one defender off a cutback to The woodwork kept the ball out of the avail as Stony Brook held on for the 1-0
50-50 the whole way,” said striker Oscar his left, Leis’s low left-footed shot went off net once again for the Seawolves three victory.
Leis. “We could have put the game away the far left post and out. minutes later. Palacio’s long free kick “We actually got it together at the end
earlier. I am happy we won.” Two minutes later, Boston would threaten found an unmarked Kevin Muller, whose and finally put one away,” stated Palacio.
One particular change for Stony Brook’s for the first time in the match. Off a service, header sailed off the crossbar. “We held in there the last ten minutes and
lineup was the insertion of Yahaya Musa up Dan Schultz header to the lower right-90 The visitors meanwhile threatened as it was tough. I think we can make a run in
top, instead of his usual sweeper role. “We was caught and held onto by Seawolves well in the 70th minute. Bob Hlavaty’s the America East.”
felt that if we threw Musa in front, it would goalkeeper Rich Skoblicki diving to the effort was stopped by Skoblicki. With the The Seawolves improve to 2-2-0 in con-
give us a different look,” said Seawolves right. ball loose, Skoblicki was able to pounce ference play and 5-9-0 overall. The
head coach Cesar Markovic. “It ended up Skoblicki would come up big again sec- on it, preventing any rebound. Terriers fall to 1-2-1 and 6-3-4.
helping us, especially late in the game; we onds later. A deflected Seawolves clearance The well-deserved goal finally came for “This is an outstanding win,” said
were able to bring Musa in to the midfield. off of Terriers’ Jin Oh forced Skoblicki to the home side in the 80th minute. Palacio Markovic. “It is what we were waiting for
He is a talented played and there is a lot we track back and safely tap the ball over the was fouled 25 yards from goal. On the all season: to play a good team like BU
can do with Musa now.” bar. ensuing free kick, Leis ended up curling and get a win.”

‘Wolves Men’s Soccer Women’s Soccer Team


Clinches Playoff Berth Slips to VT Catamounts
By Antony Lin 36th minute from the home side off a set By Antony Lin After Catamounts goalkeeper Eliza
___________ piece. Michael Palacio found Yahaya Musa ___________ Bradley came too far out, Ta n z i ’s shot
in the box, whose header skimmed off the into the empty net was cleared off the
The Stony Brook Seawolves clinched right post and out. In the final tune-up before the line.
the final spot in the America East playoffs With three minutes remaining, Palacio America East tournament, the Stony Stony Brook had another empty net
on Senior Night by tying the New nearly surprised New Hampshire’s goal- Brook Seawolves fell to the Ve r m o n t opportunity three minutes later from
Hampshire Wildcats 0-0 at LaValle keeper, Brian Levy. Claiming a loose ball, Catamounts 1-0 off a golden goal in Kate Collins. Collins put the ball wide
Stadium. Seniors Adam Ciklic, Zach Palacio decided to fire a shot from 43 yards overtime. Needing just a tie to advance to the far right post from 9 yards out.
Norwood, and Noah Liiv were honored out, forcing Levy to leap in the air to knock into the playoffs, Carson Laderoute Collins had another golden chance in
during pre-game before over 410 in atten- the ball away. spoiled the hopes for the home side in the 56th minute. Her chip over Bradley
dance. The second half was another in which front of 200 supporters. ended up hitting the post and out.
“It’s been enjoyable and fun,” said New Hampshire looked to counter. Despite the dominance, Bradley
Norwood. “There was team unity. It was a Things took a turn for the worse early in “ We didn’t want to go ended up keeping the score at 0-0.
blast. Everyone here wants to win. the second half as Seawolves goalkeeper Seconds into the first overtime,
Hopefully we can take the next step and Rich Skoblicki was forced to leave the out this way. We allowed Laderoute scored from point blank for
make the semifinals.” game with an injury. Brian Tepfer replaced them to stay in the game the golden goal. Tears of shock and
The match saw New Hampshire put all Skoblicki for the remainder of the match. heartbreak carried over to the entire
eleven men behind the ball as Stony Brook “It was one heck of a game and it was too long.” Seawolves squad, as the entire LaVa l l e
attacked constantly. Despite possession very interesting,” said Seawolves goal- Sue Ryan Stadium remained stunned.
being one-sided, the first real threat came keeper Brian Tepfer, who came in and had Seawolves Head Coach “ You leave a team in the game, the
late in the first half. a solid second half. “Everyone played ball can bounce off and go in,” stated
“We played a very good team and we tough. I did what I had to do. I’m here to “It was a tough and disappointing Ryan. “It’s tough because we’re so
defended well,” said Seawolves head help my team.” loss,” said Seawolves head coach Sue much better than last year. We’re still
coach Cesar Markovic. “I thought we dom- The first golden opportunity came for Ryan. “We didn’t want to go out this young and growing.”
inated and had several chances to finish the Seawolves in the 68th minute. Palacio’s w a y. We allowed them to stay in game The match marked the end of defend-
them off. We needed a bit more luck e ffort off a free kick from just outside the too long.” er Marisa Nucci’s Seawolves career.
tonight. I like what came out of our team box fell right into the hands of Levy. The Seawolves’ best chance of the “She had a great year for us,” men-
tonight. Brian (Tepfer) came in and did Stony Brook was denied by the wood- first half came in the 21st minute from tioned Ryan. “She has done so much for
well.” Aria Tanzi. A pass from Tr i n e this program. It was very positive for
Continued on next page A l l e n b e rg to Tanzi left him in all alone. her to play four years and do so well.”
The first great opportunity came in the

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www.thestonybrookpress.com
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The Day of the Dead
By Andrew Pernick on this secularized (yet, still, for the a positive context. But Halloween, in the do something horrid and criminal or some
___________ pagans, non-secular and quite holy) night. pagan community, is often a night we take police officer misinterpret the actions of
Most of us have never lost our childhood o ff from our efforts to redefine the said fool as a legitimate pagan ritual rather
Halloween. Día de los muertos. sense of wonder, and a lot of us have never American vocabulary’s definitions. than as the actions of a misguided and dis-
Wa l p u rgisnacht. Most cultures have a lost our childhood need to don a costume, The night sees more works of magic turbed criminal; we see the night as a
night when the Veil, that invisible, intangi- at least for a few hours, and go about the than any other, the theory goes. Every c a n d y - g o rge and as a night we must wor-
ble curtain between the world of the living town hitting up the neighbors for candy. pagan in the U.S., it seems, is casting spell ship in silence out of fear of the police and
and that of the dead, is at its thinnest. For For the homebody pagan, dressing up and after spell. Some explain spells as streams the public’s ignorance; we see the night as
most pagans, it’s “Samhain,” which is tra- giving out sweets to the neighborhood of light shooting their way across the the thinning of the Veil and as a night
ditionally (in most pagan traditions) cele- children is at least as much fun as it is for metaphysical realm. Halloween, the joke where fools do criminal things under the
brated or observed on the same day as the the non-pagan. Giving is better than goes, looks like the 4th of July on LSD to cloak, under the disguise, of calling them-
now-secularized, candy-gorging capitalist receiving, pagans believe, and this is espe- a metaphysical entity. While this may or selves pagan.
fright night we in the West “celebrate” cially true not only of sweets but of good- may not be true, the idea of a faerie trip- But one cannot discuss Samhain with-
(and I do use the term quite loosely) on natured frights and gentle pranks. ping out due to the lightshow has led to out discussing the honoring of one’s
October 31st. The night is one of irony for those many a song and many a poem over the ancestors and/or those who have left the
For some pagans, it is a night of quiet pagans open enough to see it as such, at past several decades. mortal coil but have yet to enter the spirit
reflection, a night of honoring those who least by those pagans who realize that Unfortunately for the pagan communi- realm. The most general, universal ritual
have come before. For others, it is a night Halloween was originally a pagan holiday ty, misguided individuals, especially mis- for this dates back centuries, back to
of intense ritual, of contacting the spirit that the Catholic church stole and made guided teenagers, use this night to ram- either the Celts or the Norse (the actual
realm for guidance, inspiration and knowl- Christian in an effort to convert the pagans page, destroy property, desecrate cemeter- originator of this ritual is still hotly debat-
edge. Others use the night for working of old to Christianity; a pagan holiday ies, and mutilate animals, all in their ed among pagans and historians who study
spells. Some mix these practices. In became a Christian holiday which then extremely deranged and misinformed pre-modern paganism). It is simple, but it
nature-based pagan religions, the night is became a secular holiday that the very notions of pagan ritual. The police do is powerful. It is also something even
also used for celebrating the end of the same church who stole it in their best to combat such non-pagans can do, as it does not rely on
harvest and welcoming the coming of win- the first place now behavior, but the pagan anything a Christian would, per se, consid-
ter as the days shorten and the nights condemns as a community-at- er a sin. The ritual is as follows: set on a
lengthen. In Wicca, the night commemo- night of folly l a rge is often plate a slice or two of fresh bread; fill a
rates the Goddess’ pregnancy with the and Satanic blamed en mug with brandy, whiskey, mead, or rum
God as the God dies, only for him to be worship. masse for (whichever one your instinct tells you is
reborn on Yule (the winter solstice). It is a So, sim- t h e appropriate); light, at sundown on October
night of acknowledging mortality, of cele- ply put, actions 31st, a candle that will last 24 hours and
brating the darkness, of merging one’s a of a few say a brief prayer of thanks and of guid-
consciousness with the nether realm. Christian w h o ance and of comfort for those who have
In the U.S., the clamor and commotion holiday aren’t departed, inviting them to eat the bread so
of the non-pagans around this night can is a night e v e n that they may have their hunger sated, to
either serve to distract and, in the case of for the t r u l y drink the beverage so that they may have
the curmudgeonly pagan, infuriate, or, for worship pagan. their soul comforted, and to follow the
the rest of the pagan community, it can of Satan, We do candle’s light to the world hereafter.
energize and heighten their observance of t h e not dese- Then, place the plate, mug (or glass), and
the holy day, giving them the energy boost enemy of c r a t e candle near a window with the shades
necessary to “lift the Veil” and contact God, and graves, open, preferably in a place where the can-
those on the other side. It is important to thus the spray-paint dle will not tip over and burn down your
note that a few pagan religions believe in Christians have pentagrams, or house.
reincarnation, making communication been sinning by wor- kill animals in our Samhain, or, for the non-pagans,
with the spirits of those who have come shipping Satan in God’s rites. We are not Satanists Halloween, is almost upon us. We pagans
before nigh on impossible. For the rest of name for centuries. Therefore, the joke – we don’t acknowledge the existence of will be looking forward to the night of the
the pagan faiths, however, and in the case goes, millions of devout Christians are such an entity. These pitiful few who do lifting of the Veil as you look forward to
of spirits who have yet to reincarnate, now in Hell for doing exactly what the these horrible deeds are not pagans. They costumes and candy. But, together, we
communication is possible. But such an Pope, God’s divine representative on are vicious, vile criminals. We respect and can look forward to a night of spirits,
endeavor is quite difficult, labor-intensive, Earth, told them to do. Of course this work with and worship nature and bal- where the mundane world meets the other-
and requires a great deal of mental focus irony is fallacy-laden, but it still makes for ance. Unfortunately for us, society at- world. We will be both serious and light-
and physical and psychic energ y. fun discussions around the mead at pagan l a rge and the police especially are so hearted, somber and full of mirth, just as
For those who are new to paths pagan, moots on Samhain. grossly misinformed about us, our beliefs, you will be. But we will be on watch,
the night is perfect for studying “the Left Wiccans seek to recapture and, thus, and our rites that this night, one of the afraid not of the dead or the spirits or the
Hand Path,” or, as pagans jokingly refer to redefine, the word ‘witch’ and we have holiest nights of our year, is one that also Veil, but of the fools. We hope and we
it (in Jedi terms), the “Dark Side of the been known to call ourselves witches. The causes us great fear. We fear our neigh- pray that this year’s Samhain, this year’s
Force.” Life is about balance, according green, wart-nose, pointy hat and black bors, we fear our police, all because of the Halloween, will be quiet and fool-free.
to most pagan traditions, and one cannot gowned “witch” of both Halloween deco- actions of, to put it lightly, misguided There are, unfortunately, always fools, but
truly study a pagan path by solely focusing rations and costumes, as seen in Disney fools. We are a peaceful people who want still we hope and pray. But foremost in
on the “Right Hand Path” a.k.a. “white films, is a stereotype we Wiccans are nothing else except the right to observe our hopes, and foremost in our prayers, is
magic”. Thus, on Samhain, the night of actively trying to get the populace to drop. our own holidays, to worship our own that both the non-pagan and the pagan
celebrating the darker sides of ourselves While some of us do don the costume deities, to have our own religion, free of communities have a happy, healthy, safe,
and our surroundings, those new to pagan- among fellow pagans as a joke, it is tech- the oppression of those who are too nar- fun and joyous Samhain.
ism are encouraged to begin their studies nically considered “bad form”. That said, row-minded to keep the First A m e n d m e n t I invite all pagans, and all who wish to
of the darker side of nature, of life, and of wearing street clothes and informing the and common sense in mind. Ignorance know more about paganism in general or
magic, operating under the premise that curious that one “is a witch” when asked prevails, and thus we worship in secret, in Samhain specifically, to contact me at
“those who cannot curse cannot cure.” what his or her costume is, is the preferred hiding, especially on this night. andrew.pernick@gmail.com Flames will
The night is also filled with method of recapturing the word. By mak- We see Samhain as a night the non- be ignored, but all honest questions are
pranks and laughter. Pagans, like almost ing people think about the fact, by making pagan world has turned into a consumer welcomed as every journey of knowledge
everyone else, enjoy a good scare, and people see, that there is an honest-to- nightmare and as a night we ourselves starts with the traveler being inquisitive. I
they frequent the myriad of haunted hous- Goddess witch among them, one of their keep holy, all while staying on our guard look forward to your questions. Happy
es set up by pagans and non-pagans alike neighbors in fact, we redefine the word in should some fool claim to be one of us and Halloween and Happy Samhain!
www.thestonybrookpress.com
8
With Chef Heath

Cooks, Crook, and Chinese Gangsters So, I will address one of the questions where. Fat is one of the most essential rather spend a few bucks more for some-
that has been repeatedly posed to me by parts of cooking, as it gives a texture and thing that I know was made fresh and
I recently had begun to review the fellow staff and friends. I will not, under a flavor unsurpassed by any herb or without the chemical additives than risk
food in the Roth Dining Hall, an unusu- any circumstances, review the fast food spice. These three components are why my own health, and that is what it all
al place for a commuter to find suste- restaurants on campus. fried food is so delicious, things such as comes down to in the end: to grab a
nance. However, I braved the distant To me, fast food restaurants are toy French fries and Fried Mozzarella quick bite on my way to class.
walk past the pond where clowns swim stores that serve food. I feel guilty call- cheese sticks. The fourth agent of flavor This is part of what is wrong with
and cardboard reaches unmatched speed, ing them a restaurant. They serve some- comes from alcohol, and if you have American dining today. Food is meant to
up to the lofty cafeteria in the sky. On thing that passes for food in the same learned anything in college, it is that be enjoyed, savored, and admired. It is
my second day of eating here (both days way that Paris Hilton passes for a alcohol is a wonderful and beautiful the craft of the person who makes it, an
at Deng Lee’s) I had an unfortunate celebrity, and which by the same token thing. expression of their talent and dedication
accident. After making it down the first deems Michael Moore a person of con- However, fast food chains such as to a long tradition. You will notice that
flight of steps, I misplaced my footing science: by virtue of being so obscene B u rger King and Taco Bell are run on the whenever you have a good meal, one
and fell end over end down all 13 con- that you cannot tear your attention away. basis of making money. That is why they that makes you feel not only full, but
crete stairs. If you have never done this, Fast food has more fat, more sugar, o ffer toys, have bright signs, and those also satisfied with the experience of din-
I do not recommend it. and more salt than is ever necessary. utterly unintelligent commercials on the ing, it is when the meal is eaten slowly,
I walked (gimped) away with only a Every chef knows that there are four boob tube. (Taco Bell’s “I’m Full!” ad over conversation and hopefully a little
sprained ankle, a few bruises, and a things in this world that makes food comes to mind.) If these franchises spent table wine. This is the way that we are
scraped knee, pretty damn lucky if you good. Salt is the most common of these, half the money that they do on advertis- meant to eat, not in our car out of a wax
ask me. Despite what it looks like, the and is added to everything from bread to ing and syndication on the food that they paper bundle of overcooked meat and
Chinese Mob at Deng Lee’s did not push pastries and sauces. It is used on meats serve, then they could easily be churning o v e r-salted sauce, traveling 75mph
me down the steps. It was caused by my of every variety and is one of the funda- out quality meals for a low price. down the expressway. Some say that
own ineptness. My older brothers always mental staples of a kitchen. Sugar is an D o n ’t get me wrong though, I under- food is food, that whatever fills you
used to ask me: “Walk much?” ever-growing part of the culinary world. stand that they have overhead costs and serves that purpose. To me that defense
Apparently, I do not. It gives fruit flavor, gives color to have gotten down to a skeleton budget in sounds like a dismissive attitude to a
Since I was unable to attend classes sautéed foods, and it provides the basis order to become the powerhouse corpo- l a rger problem, and makes as much
on Thursday, I missed out on a day of of thickening agents like cornstarch and rations that they are today. Yet this sense as saying that carbon dioxide is
eating at Roth, and I have insuff i c i e n t roux. It also gives beer its bite, and wine understanding is not going to get me to gas, and thus should suffice for breath-
material on which to base my judgment. its kick, and is enjoyed in snacks every- eat at these swill factories. I would ing.

Elevator Review: Melville Library


It so happens that ten or even fifteen money ensues; cell-phone numbers from
people wait for that same elevator, and this idiots are dialed to their favorite Chinese
is where the fun really begins! Everyone take-out because we all know it’s going to
must squeeze in so no pocket of air exists take a while.
and those precious few inches of personal The best is the head-rush. How I just
space are violated. Body odor and iPods at love the head-rush! When that elevator
high volume are fair game. Backpacks con- goes down suddenly and then plunges to a
taining textbooks or a whole Boar’s Head stop, you can feel the lightheadedness that
turkey are swung around so students and only a Melville Library elevator passenger
faculty can get that perfect fit like a game can appreciate. You don’t need to sniff glue
of Tetris. to get that dizzy effect, and you can actual-
As soon as at least twenty people (and ly save a brain cell or two.
no less!) successfully pack in, the doors Alas, students sometimes find out that
slide in. Or do they? If you’re lucky, the the elevator doors are jammed about two
doors will end up stuck two inches apart to inches apart only to find that said elevator
give the illusion that maybe the elevator is is still somewhere making the rounds.
indeed faulty after all. And that’s not the Sorry, the ride is out of service. Come back
best part. No, no, no, no. When those next time.
doors finally close properly the elevator Then again, why chance it when you can
VMFX may bob like a water-filled balloon, caus- give yourself a decent workout and do
Elevator going down...TO HELL!
ing people to question Stony Brook’s safe- more in five minutes than most people do
By Vincent Michael Festa where the Computer Lab Food and Drink ty code, when that cable will snap, or their in their lifetimes by walking up or down the
___________ Gestapo look over the shoulders of students lives. stairs? Working out and sweating is good
who even dare to sneak in the tiniest cook- Or, sometimes when riding the elevator for you, but then again, it is America.
For those who have classes or like to ie or sip of Powerade. You press those down, you get a feeling that the elevator is Wherever we can find an easier way to do
read at the Melville Library, I think you can shiny, brass-like buttons in between those somehow rubbing against something; what things, I guess.
relate. elevators on either end of the first floor of feels like it’s hitting a vertical bump. You But while these Coney Island Cyclone-
If you’re lucky, your class could be up the building, and you wait until Christmas- take bets with friends about what floor the class elevators are in need of repair, don’t
on the fifth floor, quite possibly in the room time for the elevator to finally touch down. elevator will get stuck on. Passing of neglect yourself and ride one today!

www.thestonybrookpress.com
7
Catholic Campus
Ministry Choir
By Kotei Aoki during Mass.) For example, the harmony I practices every week. One definitive factor voices mark tender impressions in my ears.
___________ heard during the first Mass in October is that they are not complete hacks is that Mass Choir is not just a club affiliated to
worth mentioning. Sean Jesudason and many of them have been exposed to music Catholic Campus Ministry. Their commit-
You may call it Mass Choir. Do you like Matthew Anderson incorporated their own or are familiar with hymns. Having no ments in every Mass are actually distin-
singing? Or do you agree with, “why not, I improvisations into the songs. Sean’s jazzy instructor makes Mass Choir more accessi- guished in the commission. Luckily I was
might as well get a cool six-pack or some- back-chorus reminded me of the perform- ble for the first-timers and sets a pace for able to witness the ceremony. Everyone in
thing from vocal exercise?” This club may ance by Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act. the regulars to keep up with. This semester Mass Choir received a pendant during the
be for you. Matthew welled up his voice to add his Mass Choir is actually getting extra help. Mass on October 1st.
The basic idea is that they sing songs original feature in the harmony. Christina As they rehearse their songs before the Mass Choir is open to anyone interest-
during Mass. The club is run by students Domanico and Shari Marie Rances sang in Mass, one of the dedicated attendees of the ed. Are you not affiliated to Christianity?
just like many other clubs, but they do not dual soprano. Their voices echoed above Mass provides them with useful com- As long as you enjoy singing, you are wel-
have an instructor. You might say, the ceiling glass, through which I could see ments. She is a music teacher at the local come to be a part of the Mass Choir. I
“Without an instructor, how good could the thickly cloudy sky. Can you add more high school. With her voluntary support, acknowledge that some people “cannot”
they be?” In fact, they sound pretty amaz- features to the Mass Choir? Mass Choir stands out during Mass. join, but it is still your choice. Not sure?
ing. In case you are still wondering what Some hymns are upbeat and some Come to the Mass on Sundays. The Mass
Their practice actually starts by select- Mass is, it is the celebration of the hymns are tranquil. However, the lyrics of starts at 5PM. It usually takes one hour:
ing which hymn to sing for each song. Eucharist in Catholic Church and is held songs are about Him, so if you are new to hear (or sing along with) Mass Choir and
They tend to pick different pieces for every every Sunday. Catholic Campus Ministry Christianity you may have trouble getting listen to the Lector. People there certainly
Mass. But they also have a few repertoires, provides Mass service in the Union used to it. But, as many scriptures are possess good personalities and compas-
hoping that more people in the audience Auditorium for Stony Brook students and meant to be read figuratively, the lyrics do sion. If you have a Catholic background,
sing with them. The practice is not profes- communities around the Stony Brook cam- not need to be the main parts of the songs you may also enjoy “just [being] around
sional but instead has a comfortable pus. The Auditorium is located in the part (especially if you question Him). The people who have the same belief,” as
atmosphere. They gather around a table, of Union facing the Sports Complex and hymns come with pleasant music in the Frederich Calebtini commented.
pick hymns together, and practice them. by The Bleacher Club, a cafeteria in background, so they sound very cheerful If you are interested in joining Mass
Because their singing styles are not Union. The Mass is carried out by the and encouraging if you avoid the literal Choir, you should attend their practice on
completely restricted in formality, they Priest, with Sister Margaret’s gentle eyes interpretation of the lyrics. I am not a liter- Monday evenings, from 9PM at Union
have interesting combinations of harmony casting over everyone. al person either and have specific prefer- Room 249. It lasts just one hour. You may
that even the Priest praises. (At least that Mass Choir is led by a guitarist, James ences with regards to music, but I like the also contact James at jpelowsk@ic.sun-
was what I assumed when I saw them sing Pelowski. The group of about ten students voices of Mass Choir. Moreover, their ysb.edu for more information.

“That Guy” (continued)


Continued from page 13 Jim Bob was faced with the decision to
either let the deer suffer or kill it and pos-
day. He may have had severe alcohol poi- sibly take it home. Jim Bob decided the
soning (but that is also speculation). latter, and began kicking the shit out of the
It was prom night 2002 and Fat-Fuck deer. The final finishing move was,
Barrel Boy was going to show off his indeed, the neck break. Jim Bob left that
great athletic prowess. He had drank his night more of a “That Guy”, and a local
weight in beer (300 pounds, but that is redneck hero.
purely speculation) and was now attempt- It was the great spring semester of 2006
ing to jump a two-man tent. He gave him- and “That Guy” William Randolph set out

20
self a 3-foot runway before he decided to to create the ultimate “That Guy” drink.
fly like, well, like a Fat-Fuck Barrel Boy. Being the genius he was, Randolph
In fine “That Guy” fashion, Barrel Boy accomplished this feat on his first try. He
did a top-rated belly flop flat onto the tent. mixed spicy V8 with 151 and Stroh’s, and
Immediately, those inside started to consumed the drink in one chug. With the
scream for their lives. Barrel Boy was cheers of all those present he continued to
rolled off the tent and those inside were create V8, 151, and beer combinations
rescued. throughout the night. This led to the
During the ragged winter of 2005 Jim drunken consumption of Chinese food
Bob was driving his “That Guy” truck, sandwiches. Later on that year, Fat-Fuck
complete with a Flintstones-style hole Barrel Boy would outdo Randolph by
where the feet are supposed to rest. Jim consuming a bucket of warm Steele
Bob was on his way home this particular Reserve mixed with Cooks beer and once
night when a deer ran into the road. Jim again set a record in puking. William
Bob sped up and hit the deer before it got Randolph will always be remembered,
away. He then got out of his truck (possi- though, as a pioneer in “That Guy” culi-
bly leaving the AK-47 he bought from his nary arts.
drug dealer in the truck, but those details
are unsure) to check to see if the deer was All of the above stories are true. Please
20
still alive. The deer was indeed still alive. send in your own “That Guy” moments.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
6
By Adina Silverbush Chemistry building, but it has since
WUSB
___________ been shut down because of interference
with experimental research; currently
In the early 1960s, WUSB 90.1 FM the antenna is located on Bald Hill.
began broadcasting from Stony Brook A solution has been established,
U n i v e r s i t y. Unbeknownst to most Stony though, in the form of a live feed on the
Brook students, the station is located in Internet. Now students can go online to
the Student Union Building in room w w w.wusb.fm and hear (in better qual-
240. Here you’ll find a fully functional ity) everything that’s being produced.
radio station that broadcasts to most of With 160 volunteer staff members, only
Long Island, southern Connecticut, twenty of which are students, WUSB is
Westchester County, and parts of New in desperate need of more student
York City. With thousands of listeners, involvement. Student positions are cur-
one might wonder why it is that more rently available in all fields: business,
students aren’t listening to or even marketing, program directing, news,
aware of the station. The problem is sports, and D.J.-ing.
obviously due to the lack of broadcast The radio station receives new music
capability on campus. An antenna sig- d a i l y, and W U S B ’s main purpose is to Adina Silverbush
Dave Klein on the air
nal used to exist on top of the play what’s fresh and expose people to
d i fferent sounds that aren’t heard on Turn on WUSB and you’ll hear Long
other stations. Danny Rosen, a current I s l a n d ’s largest non-commercial, free-
student staff member, says, “We’re the formed radio station. Where else can
u n i v e r s i t y ’s radio station, so we’re try- you tune in to hear everything from
ing to teach.” More students getting polka to reggae, live music to world
involved will mean more celebrities music? If you enjoy sport commentary
and local bands will visit and play at or news, this is a club where you can
Stony Brook. actually literally make yourself heard.
One project the station is currently In order to become involved, stu-
working on will be specifically for dents must go through training. Once
Stony Brook students: a couple hours of they are through with training, they’ll
radio dedicated to students hosting par- have the ability to actually host their
ties. “Let WUSB host your next party. ” own radio show. All training informa-
Instead of dealing with having to tion can be viewed at
change songs, students will be able to w w w.wusb.fm/training. Training is
put on the live feed from their comput- going on right now, so this is the per-
ers and let their guests enjoy new fect time to join. An open house will be
music. The station is also is looking for held in the Melville Library in the Celt
Adina Silverbush passionate students to form a radio room by the elevator from 12-2 pm this
WUSB Office- Danny Rosen in corner working?
news team. We d n e s d a y, Nov. 1st.

WUSB Presents: The Top 10 New Albums


MARIANA TOP TEN PLAYS on WUSB
Jeffrey and Jack Lewis - City and 10/13/06-10/27/06
Eastern Songs
Letting Up Despite Great Faults - 1. Beck - The Information
Movement 2. Oddisee - Foot in the Door
Girl in a Coma - Coma 3. The Decemberists - The Crane
120 Days - 120 Days Wife
Switchblade Kittens - The Weird 4. Zero 7 - The Garden
Sisters 5. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes -
Love Their Country
NICK 6. Steve Lieberman - Jew Pirate 2006
Killswitch Engage - “As Daylight 7. People in Planes - As Far As The
Dies” Sampler Eye Can See
Flaming Tsunamis - Fear Everything 8.Yo La Tengo - I Am Not Afraid of
Mastodon - Blood Mountain You and I Will Beat Your Ass
Guther - Sundet 9. Brazilian Girls - Talk to La Bomb
Painted Saints - Company Town 10. Xiu Xiu - The Air Force
www.thestonybrookpress.com
5
Times, They are A-Changing with Legislation!
By Rebecca Kleinhaut Wisnoski presented The Providing for the fall 2006 semester, each to be paid about the fifteen-foot restriction must be
___________ Academic Support to Students Act. After fifteen dollars an hour (the number was posted at every building. Finally, the pro-
researching the peer tutoring programs of amended on October 24 from twenty). posal states that investigations must be
While last week’s elections signals other SUNY schools, Wisnoski found Prospective tutors must have received at made into the student and faculty reac-
that a change in representation is on the that many larger schools have free tutor- least an A- in the course that they will tions to these policies after one year of
horizon, the Senate pushed through a ing services that are available for many tutor. proper implementation, and if they feel
number of interesting pieces of legisla- more hours than the programs available While many Senators were skeptical that they still aren’t sufficient, then a
tion this month. at Stony Brook. She also noticed that about the amount of money that will be fifty-foot ban will result.
During the October 17 meeting, many of Stony Brook’s tutoring services pumped into PASS this semester, all Finally, Senators Shapiro and Romano
Senators Nathan Shapiro and Robert were only available at night, which is agreed that it is a valuable commodity for introduced the Declaration on the Right
Romano introduced the Council of generally inconvenient for commuters. the student body. The bill passed on of the Student Body to Change Their
Representatives Act. The bill seeks to Tutors for Providing A c a d e m i c October 24, with thirteen voting in favor Government, which seeks to bring the
create a body called the Council of Support for Students (PASS) will sched- and three abstaining. control of what goes onto the ballot into
Representatives, which would be com- ule individual appointments with each The Senate also presented a the hands of the Senate. Currently, the
prised of three members from each Clubs student in need of services, and they will Resolution on Policies Relating to U n d e rgraduate Student Government does
and Organizations Bureau. Meetings will be allowed more appointment time just Smoking, which, as Senator Matthew not have the power to give the final okay
be held once a month in order to discuss before midterms and finals. The tutors Maiorella put it, lets the University on the things that the students vote on
and vote on issues that pertain to the will cover all subjects, with ten tutors Senate know that “before [they] ban during the elections, such as the amount
interests of the clubs under their Bureau. covering Math and Natural Science, smoking on campus, [they must] let peo- of the Student Activity Fee. In simple
Senator Romano believes that this bill three covering Humanities, and the ple know about the current rules.” The terms, Senator Shapiro believes that this
would provide a “venue for clubs and remaining covering Business and Resolution proposes that all cigarette bill sends the message that “[The
o rganizations [to have] more say in the Engineering. receptacles must be moved fifteen feet U n d e rgraduate Senate] should not have
budget process.” The bill passed, with After talking to the Underg r a d u a t e away from each building, which satisfies to beg to put something on the ballot.”
sixteen in favor and one abstaining. Council, Vice President Wisnoski created the current restriction. It also states that The Declaration will be brought to their
Executive Vice President A m y this bill, which seeks to hire fifteen tutors proper signage that informs smokers superiors this week.

polls on Election Day. Such an influx has been in the employ of Hevesi for
could potentially tip the balance in favor of three and a half years. He was earning a
Republican challenger Tom Kean over $61,000 salary. He has admitted to hav-
incumbent Senator Bob Menendez. This ing no security experience to speak of.
could also influence the election on a larg- Acquafredda also admitted that he rarely
er scale, allowing old prejudices to rise operated in an official capacity, working
again as they did in 2004, when eleven “personal appointments” for the most
states with anti-gay marriage referendums part. And, though Hevesi has claimed
on the ballot brought in enough voters to that he had intended to reimburse the
put nine of these states in the Bush col- state, there were no records kept of
umn, among them the state of Ohio. This Acquafredda’s employ, and he has made
state would go on to seal the victory for Spitzer’s All Like, “Dude…” no remuneration of any sort.
President Bush, but it would have been By James Messina This is a delicate time for both Hevesi
interesting to see which way it would have __________ and Spitzer. The upcoming elections
Jersey Gays gone without the referendum. have placed pressure on the candidates.
By Alex Nagler Were gay marriage to be allowed, It has been rumored that Eliot Spitzer, Spitzer and Hevesi are both Democrats,
___________ America’s Garden State could become the Attorney General of the state of New and Spitzer is running for governor. If
second state in the country, alongside York, will soon withdraw his support for Spitzer continues to endorse Hevesi, it
In a 4-3 ruling, the State Supreme Court Massachusetts, to let same sex couples Comptroller Alan Hevesi, giving Hevesi a will make his campaign, which is cen-
has declared the New Jersey legislature walk down the aisle. However, the legisla- big “Psych, nah.” Hevesi has come under tered on renewing integrity, seem a sham.
must rewrite the state’s marriage laws ture seems to support civil unions, which scrutiny due to misuse of government However, officially rescinding his sup-
within 180 days to codify either civil would place the state in league with funds, having hired a chauffeur for his port will weaken the Democratic cam-
unions or marriages for gay couples. Connecticut and Vermont. wife. The State Ethics Commission is paign and give Hevesi’s opponent, J.
The court’s decision caused some This issue has yet to run its full course currently investigating Hevesi, who Christopher Callaghan, a definite advan-
immediate backlash, with some and will be interesting to watch for the claims that the chauffeur was hired for tage. Hevesi, in turn, has to dig himself
Republicans claiming that this could spark next year. What will happen next is still up security reasons. out of his current hole and restore voters’
an influx of “values voters” to go to the in the air, as, after all, it is politics. The chauff e u r, Nicholas Acquafredda, faith.
www.thestonybrookpress.com
4
Editorials
Take Some Responsibility
Editorial Hoard

E xe c u t ive Editor
Jowy Ro m o n s t e r
M a n aging Editor Drinking is obviously a major part of the college experience for the next person. “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk” is a corny
A n d rew “The Pyro ” B u r n i ck many students. While there is a time and place for drinking at slogan, but if you actually have the opportunity to prevent your
A s s o c i ate Editor social gatherings, there is also responsibility that must be taken by friends from getting behind the wheel, it’s your obligation to do
A l - h ex Bloody Wa l l s
those who choose to behave in this manner. Recently there has so. If you’re at a party having a good time why would you want
Business Manage r been a lot of talk in the news about drunk driving. This is a topic to ruin your night by ending it with a crash, a trip to the hospital,
Adina Slive r mu n ch
of great concern for us at the paper, especially for a particular edi- getting sued, or much worse?
P roduction Manage r
C o r pse-o-line Dead-gat i tor who now no longer has a mother because of this senseless Part of growing up is being able to take responsibility for ones
crime. actions. It will be your fault if you choose to get into your car
N ews Editors
Rebecca The Wre cke r If you get into a car and drive drunk, ask yourself; are you real- after drinking. What if the car you hit happens to be your friend’s,
Mad Spector ly willing be a murderer? Could you live with yourself if you or your mother’s? Is that a risk you’re willing to take? Would it
Fe at u res Editor actually destroyed someone’s life while driving under the influ- really be that much of a hassle to call a cab, rather then put your
S t ep on Me Bones
ence? Many people are pulled over multiple times for DWI life and everyone else on the road’s life in jeopardy?
Photo Editors before they get into an accident; these are the lucky drivers who The Stony Brook Press is a paper known for its humor and laid
Jo ey Safdia de los Muert o s
Vincent Uncle Fe s t e r fortunately were alone on the road but next time they might not be back attitude, but in no way do we feel that such an approach is
C o py Editors so lucky. We all take risks in life, but don’t put other people at appropriate to deal with such a serious issue. Drunk/Tipsy/Stoned
James Mess-o-dead bodies risk who are totally innocent because of your disregard for them. Driving is an awful unnecessary action that we want to end!
Rose From the Deadski
Lukasz Hellminski We’re sorry to inform you, but you, just like everyone else are No one else should have to lose a loved one because of some-
Web m a s t e r
quite mortal and are just as capable of being in a car accident as one else’s lack of consideration.
Blood Spilliams

Get Out and Vote, Bitches!


Au d i o m a s t e r
Kutstine Bledaga i n
O m bu d s m a n
Rob Fe a rs a l l
As you most likely already know, there’s another round of tested this year. Bear this in mind: SUNY is a branch of the
elections coming up next week. T h a t ’s right, on November New York state government. These people will have the
Minister of A rch ive s 7, it will be time to elect another batch of government power to screw you over in ways you can’t imagine. Here’s
Joe Rios de Sangre
stooges. The important thing here is that we want some your motivation...vote for people who won’t screw you.
IT Manage r
Joe Rios de Sangre y Cesos good stooges this time. Is everyone agreed on that? Good. At all levels, government can do things you probably
T h a t ’s where you come in; the whole lot of you have to d o n ’t want to think about. For example, taxation is pretty
D i s t r i bution Manage r
Joe Fillap u m p k i n vote. We know, it sounds crazy, but that’s the way it goes. much the defining element of government. All the money
You check out the candidates, figure out who you like, and they’re spending has to come from somewhere*. T h e n
Minion of Loyal Cohorts vote for him or her. t h e r e ’s that whole War on Terror thing. Between the actual
Esam Al-Shareffi Leeza Menon You’ve probably heard this a lot before but really, this shooting war and the escalating security regulations at
Kotei Aoki Thomas Mets time it’s serious. Remember when Puffy threatened your life home, this is definitely something to be concerned about.
Travis Aria Jamie Mignone
Nicole L. Barry Claire Mize a few years ago? It’s like that. We’ve got a war going on, Things are not going well in Iraq at all, and changes have to
Melissa Bernardez Dana Murray
James Blonde Irv Novoa government programs in trouble (or causing trouble), scan- be made. The people elected this November will be the ones
Jimmy Del Kerr Frank Nobiletti
Joe Donato John O’Dell dals that make Bill Clinton look like a man of God... okay, making those changes. Or, if it doesn’t go well, not making
Melanie Donovan Karina Offurum bad example. This is big stuff. All of the 435 seats in the changes. And you get to have a hand in choosing them.
Michael Felder Laura Positano
Amelia Fischer Michael Prazak House of Representatives are up for grabs. CQ Political Vote. Vote carefully. Make sure you do your research
Rob Gilheany Nirmala Ramsaran
David K. Ginn Berta Rezik Reports says 92 of those races and 16 of the 33 Senate con- before you go down to the SAC and pull the lever. Yo u ’ v e
Sam Goldman Miguel Sanchez
Joanna Goodman Natalie Schultz tests are considered competitive. This is far more than been told that everyone has a right to his or her opinion.
Paula Guy Alison Schwartz enough to swing control of Congress to the Democrats or T h a t ’s not true. Everyone has a right to an informed opin-
Trevor Hirst Karen Shidlo
Mo Ibrahim Jesse Schoepfer give the Republicans an even stronger lead. Pretty high ion. Big difference there. Take a look at all the candidates.
Alexander Kahn Christine Tanaka
Elizabeth Kaplan Amberly Timperio stakes, eh? Oh, but it doesn’t stop there! I mean all of them. Then go and vote. Santa will know if
Olga Kaplun Claudia Toloza
Michael Kelly Lena Tumasyan
There are state elections, too. As residents of the great you don’t .
Yve Koon Marcel Votlucka state of New York, you should probably care about this.
Larry Lamb Jake Wallace
Joan Leong Brian Wasser G o v e r n o r, Attorney General, and Comptroller are all con- * Your pocket.
Antony Lin Ricky Whitcomb
Melissa Lobel Matt Willemain
Mariana Martins Brian Wong
Steve McLinden Ed Zadorozny

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