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University Café Lives on in our Hearts and Livers

Written, researched, and rewritten by establishment's unprofitability on lax


Alex Walsh, Stephanie Hayes, advertising and event planning by GSO.
and Jim Beam In a letter to USG, Café employee Jena
___________ Annise Harris attributed the closure to
"a lack of draw (which is also a lack of
For a few tense weeks it seemed that efforts on the GSO's part) from the total
the campus might be deprived of the student population." Previously, the
University Café, the student-run eatery café had frequently hosted musical per-
located in the Union. On November 30, formances and events for campus
the Graduate Student Org a n i z a t i o n groups. Relatively little such program-
(GSO), which had provided funding for ming was held this semester, but it
the Café, withdrew its support, citing should be noted that the café no longer
u n p r o f i t a b i l i t y. Daytime shifts had had access to the audio equipment it
ceased operating on November 17. had used in the past few years.
H o w e v e r, the Faculty Student The decision to close the café’s day
Association (FSA) has taken on the cost shifts came as a surprise, according to
of running the café, which now operates one former employee. Workers were
on We d n e s d a y, T h u rsday, and Friday told on Monday, November 13th, that
nights between 7 PM and 12 AM. T h e s e GSO was going to cease funding.
hours will continue for the rest of the Daytime shifts ended four days later.
s e m e s t e r, until December 22. Although " We had no notice," the former employ-
it will not be open during the winter ee said. In the meantime, Harris pre- Joey Safdia
break, it will reopen for Spring semes- pared a letter to USG, asking them to The University Cafe on the side of the Student Union

t er. Spring hours are not set yet, as they subsidize operations during the day.
will probably be changing from this The Senate said they would consider and the whole student body the went in for a last hurrah (“research”),
s e m e s t e r. According to Paul, a bar- the plan, but were unable to take imme- University Café is likely to be open for and a grand time was had by all. Th e
tender at the Café, they intend to con- diate action due to the timing of the some time to come. s u p e r-friendly bartender gave us this
tinue operations next year as well. “I budget process. Author's Note OR Op-Ed Interlude: French liquor made by monks. T h e
just hope we can keep drawing in the The University Café’s employees and In a break from the newsiness, I'd like name of it took up two lines of text on
crowds,” he said. It seems that there is patrons organized a campaign to save to say that the Café is awesome and you the bottle. It was described as tasting
no longer much danger of the their establishment. This involved sev- should all go get drunk there since it’s "like the smell of damp, crushed pine
University Café closing for good, as eral Facebook groups, the largest of pretty secure now. Fellow Presser needles." Pretty cool. That's the kind of
had previously been feared. which “Save the Café!” had 265 mem- Stephanie Hayes and I, operating under s t u ff that we wouldn't be able to do if
During the closing scare, some peo- bers as of December 13. Fortunately for the popular misconception that the Big the Café shut its doors. Be glad you
ple involved in the café blamed the these concerned students and alumni, Final Closing Date was November 30, d o n ’t have to live in such a world.

Pakistani Diplomat Hussain Haqqani Visits SBU


By Leeza Menon even in its beginning stages, “energ i z e d ry” after such events as the sack of society, such as a university,” Haqqani
___________ the people who embraced it.” So, what Baghdad in 1258 and the British over- said.
is the relationship between extremism throw of the Mughal order in the 18th Haqqani continued by laying out an
On Saturday, November 11th, the and Islam? What has happened recently c e n t u r y. Glory has always been an easy-to-follow model for the four major
Wang Center, in collaboration with the to prompt some young Islamic funda- important factor as well. “Shah Jahan schools of thought in the Muslim world.
Center of India Studies and the mentalists to turn to terrorism? Haqqani built the Taj Mahal to reflect the glory F i r s t l y, there is the secularist who
Department of Asian and A s i a n believes that the fundamental idea that of his era, not to form an institution that believes that the cause of the decline of
American Studies, presented the second drives Muslims is “redemption in histo- would lead to the overall betterment of Muslim civilization is the religion itself;
part of the Asian American Colloquium secularists want to “do away with
series of 2006. Husain Haqqani, a Islam” and become more advanced like
renowned journalist, diplomat, and for- the Westerners. Next, you have the tra-
mer advisor to three Pakistani prime ditionalist who, instead of changing
ministers, as well as the current Director with the world, is going to live the way
of the Center for International Relations he always has and ignore the West by
at Boston University, lectured on “The sticking wholly with his religion. Then,
Islamic World–Between Reform and there is the modernist who takes the
Terrorism.” During Haqqani’s introduc- road of compromise. He believes in
tion, he promised that the evening learning from the West and adapting
would be one of “thought provocation” Islam to it; it is a reformist approach
to the audience, which included Dean that says nothing is written in stone,
Staros, Provost McGrath, professors, including the principles of Islam. The
students, and others who were interested fourth and final school of thought is the
in learning about this topic. revivalist’s. The revivalist’s thinking is
Haqqani began by giving some back- to fight the West and stay with the “puri-
ground on the Muslim communities of tanical form of Islam”; this type of phi-
the world. There are 57 countries in losophy demonizes the West, and an
which Muslims form the majority. “offshoot [of it] is terrorism.” Many of
China has a large Muslim population the people who believe in revivalist
a l r e a d y, and Russia’s is increasing. Randall Stevens
ideals would be willing to “fight the
According to Haqqani, the Islamic faith, Hussain in the membrane, Hussain in the brain West at any cost, even if it means terror-

Executive Editor’s Note: I <3 Alex Walsh


2
Haqqani Campus Beautification is a Crock!
(continued)
By Kotei Aoki As you may have noticed, some part of University also purchased the Southampton
___________ Stony Brook’s campus is always under con- campus, one of the world’s largest supercom-
struction. Imagine the amount of money puters, and other things of which you may
Early Friday morning, in the very first spent on construction, and think about all the know. Stony Brook University is well-known
incident of December, the running water of complaints on campus. It may be the meal for “its numerous conflicts with the govern-
Continued from previous page Tabler Quad stopped. The quad office of plan, the pricing at food courts, the broken ment of New York State, often over budget-
ism,” and sometimes these groups are Tabler Quad was notified by the ary considerations.” It
actively supported by states, such as in maintenance personnel that a also has a record that
the case of Iran backing Hezbollah. pipe had burst somewhere on has “[reportedly] nearly
The lack of economic prosperity and campus. Although it was rain- bankrupted the state.”
educational scope (almost half of the ing that day, the most probable So this is how Stony
Muslim world is illiterate, and the com- cause of the problem was the Brook University
bined GDP of the 57 predominantly continuing construction that spends the money that
Muslim countries is less than the GDP Stony Brook has always been should be able to fix the
of France alone), in addition to the fun- undergoing. Literally, it is just existing problems listed
damental aspiration to revive glory, can as if such repetitive plastic sur- earlier. However, I
lead young men in these areas to gravi- geries eventually deform the school’s body seats in lecture halls, the non-functioning ele- overheard that Stony Brook University may
tate towards revivalist groups and even parts. vators, the old, crippled campus buses, the also lose the University Hospital from under
terrorism. There have been many complaints about lost door handles of the Student Union and its management in the near future. People
Haqqani says the only way to stop the condition of residential halls. A leakage the ESS building, the most ancient computers have been talking about it because a large
this from becoming an even more com- somewhere in your dorm is guaranteed. One you can find in Math/Physics/Astronomy portion of the school’s funding comes from
mon occurrence is by making sure that of the worst locations is the stairs. Once a Library, the sinking Melville Library, the the hospital. Some say the fraction reaches
the modernist voice is prominent. He leakage occurs in the stairwells, you cannot flooding Union bathroom, and you can list 60%, and others say it is nearly 80%. If the
says that the Muslim world needs to possibly walk down the stairs without fearing the rest. Clearly, there are facilities Stony school keeps investing in campus beautifica-
take an introspective look and ask itself, of slipping and of rolling down some eight or Brook University should improve upon tion projects, President Kenny will soon be in
“Why aren’t the majority of us getting nine steps. The RAs only say, “You know, before beautifying the campus. Not only does big trouble. With less financial support for the
proper education? Why are our women this is how it is supposed to be on [this] cam- it spend gigantic amounts of money to per- school, when can students expect their com-
being oppressed?” pus.” form “surgery” on the campus, Stony Brook plaints to be resolved?
His belief is that the West should

B.U. College Republicans Offer a


contribute to the education of all
Muslims and should create defense
mechanisms to protect schools and as
much of a free press as possible.
Change takes time, and since the West
has such a big stake in this issue, it is up
to them to “make sure that the mod-
“Whites Only” Scholarship
ernist voice is being heard in Muslim By Lukasz Chelminski Republicans at Roger Williams University situation honestly…. Caucasians tend to
countries with hands-on involvement.” ___________ in Bristol, RI instated a similar scholarship have a higher per capita income than Latinos
Anyone interested in learning more in 2003. The “whites-only” scholarship at and other minorities. We have to have schol-
about his stance on different aspects of In an effort to raise awareness about racial Roger Williams University was meant to be arships to survive.” Brian Dodge, executive
Islamic relations can read his latest bigotry, the College Republicans at Boston a parody, according to former RWU College director of the Massachusetts Republican
book, Pakistan: Between Mosque and University have created a “Caucasian Republican President Jason Mattera, but was Party, said, “Their actions are misguided
Military, or read the journal Current Achievement and Recognition Scholarship.” not well-accepted by media that covered the and offensive.” The state party does not
Trends in Islamic Thought, of which he The purpose of the scholarship is not to event. The scholarship only lasted one year. officially endorse the scholarship. In the
is the editor. reward students but to spark debate about The idea was abandoned when the national same vein, a national GOP spokesman
Dr. Sunita S. Mukhi explained why race-based scholarships and aff i r m a t i v e and state Republican parties severed ties called the scholarship “highly inappropri-
she and Harsh Bhasin, a visiting profes- action. Qualifying students must be at least ate.”
sor of International Relations in the one-fourth Caucasian and maintain at least a It seems that a majority of people openly
department of Asian and A s i a n 3.2 cumulative GPA. In exchange for writ- disagree with the BUCR scholarship. After
American studies, were adamant on ing two essays, one describing the student’s all, anyone with any grasp of history proba-
bringing the BU professor to Stony ancestry, and the second to be written about bly should. Junior Jackie Ward told CBS
Brook. In addition to being “timely” “what it means to you to be a Caucasian- Boston that, “As a BU student I would prob-
and “relevant,” she found Haqqani’s American today,” students have the chance ably be 100% against the scholarship even
book “very enticing.” “There has to receive a $250 award. So far, not one though I’m 100% Caucasian.” Sara-Marie
always been a misperception about application has been submitted. Pons, of BU’s Admissions Student Diversity
Islam as a religious, political and cul- Boston University does not support the Board, pointed out that racial differences are
tural force,” Dr. Mukhi said. Even scholarship, but the school has condoned it. not a statement about skin color, but rather
though she felt the talk was stimulating Boston University College Republican about American society: “Our country
and balanced, she said it left her feeling President Joe Mroszczyk spoke to Dean of with the RWU College Republicans. One oppressed people of color for centuries
“dismal” afterwards because “the mod- Students Kenneth Elmore and was given the can only hope that in the course of these while everyone else who was ‘preferred’
ernist voice seems to only have a place green light. “To give out scholarships based events the College Republicans learned that continued to succeed and lead our country in
in academic circles. How can it be on economic need is one thing but to base it the country is indeed not laughing about that all aspects.” Race-based scholarships were
louder?” on race and race alone when they’re coming whole hundreds of years of slavery thing yet. created to serve an important purpose. They
But, if Haqqani’s lecture generates from the same places where the white folks It seems that this exercise will not fare were started and funded by those who were
this much thought and discussion in all are, I don’t think that provides any diversity much better. Since being made public on able to perceive that racial disparities were
its viewers, then it was highly success- at all,” said Mroszczyk. Some students November 7th, the scholarship has received present in our institutions of higher learning.
ful. If this past lecture was any inclina- thought likewise: “There are a lot of differ- a barrage of negative press. “It’s a poor way Of course, the College Republicans have a
tion of what is to come, the next set of ent scholarships for one race only, so I think to talk about affirmative action,” said David legal right to run their scholarship, but one
Wang Center events are not to be it’s a good idea,” said junior Ashley Banks. Coreas, president of the Latino fraternity Phi questions the point or purpose of the exer-
missed. This is not a new idea. The College Iota Alpha at BU. “We have to look at the cise.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
3
Editorials
S h erm er H i gh G r a d s
Ferris Bueller
Jowy Romano
Pinochet’s Dead
The Brain
Andrew Pernick
Cameron
Alex Walsh
Sloane Peterson
Adina Silverbush
The Basket Case
Caroline D’Agati
The Sexy Giiiirlfriend
Rebecca Kleinhaut
Madeline Scheckter
The Princess
Stephanie Hayes
Ralph, as in puke
Joey Safdia
Vinc ent Michael Festa
Geek Posse
James Messina
Rose Slupski
Lukasz Chelminski
Long D uck Dong
Chris Williams
Ed Rooney
Krist ine Renigen
Jake Ryan
Rob Pearsall

Good.
The 1961 Ferrari 250 GT
California
Joe Rios
Abe Froman: Sausage King
of Chigago
Joe Filippazzo

Sport-o's, m ot o r h e a ds, g eeks, s l u ts ,


b l o ods, w as t o i d s , d w e e bies, d i c k h e a d s

Esam Al-Shareffi Leeza Menon


Kotei Aoki Thomas Mets
Travis Aria Jamie Mignone
Nicole L. Barry Claire Mize
Shaun Bennett Dana Murray
Melissa Bernardez Alex Nagler
James Blonde Irv Novoa
Jessica Cordero Frank Nobiletti
Jimmy Del Kerr John O’Dell
Joe Donato Karina Offurum
Melanie Donovan Laura Positano
Michael Felder Michael Prazak
Amelia Fischer Nirmala Ramsaran
Rob Gilheany Berta Rezik
David K. Ginn Miguel Sanchez
Sam Goldman Natalie Schultz
Joanna Goodman Alison Schwartz
Paula Guy Karen Shidlo
Trevor Hirst Jesse Schoepfer
Mo Ibrahim Christine Tanaka
Alexander Kahn Amberly Timperio
Elizabeth Kaplan Claudia Toloza
Olga Kaplun Lena Tumasyan
Michael Kelly Marcel Votlucka
Yve Koon Jake Wallace
Larry Lamb Brian Wasser
Joan Leong Ricky Whitcomb
Antony Lin Matt Willemain
Melissa Lobel Brian Wong
Mariana Martins Ed Zadorozny
Steve McLinden Zangief

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It could get scratched, stolen, breathed on wrong.


4
Letters
In the October 5 edition, Frankiee D. lists as one of the things that piss him off about Stony Brook, "Campus Police",
who "ruined the fun this college used to emanate back in the '70s."
Well, I have little affection for Public Safety (their real name), but as one who had the great good luck to attend this
place in its heyday, they are not really the ones to blame for the underground status of revelry on campus today. The
blame for that lies squarely with the admnistrators and politicians who decided it would look good on their resumes if
they cracked down on the students. The RA-as-cop bullshit, so poignantly described by James Han in the Asian
American E-Zine of October 20, are the queasy brainchild, of, among others, Dallas Baumann. If he's still advertising
his mid-life crisis by tootling around campus in that ridiculous sports car of his, you might wish to aim a rotten tomato
at his balding pate.
Other parties richly deserving of blame are those of my hypocritical generation, who partied their asses off and now
are pretending to be all pious and righteous and not speaking out about these inanities.

Chris Sorochin

THE PRESS ROCKS, LONG LIVE THE PRESS


And thanks for publishing my article,
South P Lot bus, Amsterdam sex show, Roth dining
THE PRESS ROCKS, LONG LIVE THE PRESS

-Daniel Munn

Thanks Daniel!

The Press is happy to publish all articles submitted by anyone who enjoys hearing about Amsterdam’s sex shows!
Hope you continue writing!

11 / 3 0 / 0 6

Dear Stony Brook Press,

You want to know what pisses me the fuck off. The lack of political science classes being offered next semester; espe-
cially if you can’t register until the 29th of November because you’re a transfer student and you lost credits by chang-
ing your major, but that a whole different story and a whole different letter; who knows maybe I’ll actually start writing
for you one day. Anyways, I don’t want to complain about the Political Science Dept. I actual want to commend them
on working their fucking asses off to get me the classes I need to take next semester. I want to bitch about the
Administration (know you guys love that!)
If I was a chemistry major, there would be at least five sections given for every class, giving me the opportunity to
actually be able to take the classes I fucking needed at times that worked with my schedule. Lots of us are commuters
and have fucking jobs and balance school and work and need to have options to take classes that work with our sched-
ules. Unfortunately, if you’re not pre-med there are only one or two sections for each class the Political Science Dept.
is giving, and there is lots of aspiring Political Science students. In fact there is so many of us that the upper-level class-
es get filled so fucking quickly that there isn’t any room for anyone else, and the Administration is definitely the ones
to blame. While they hoard all the money towards sports and physical science, (not saying that not a good thing) they
tend to forget about the social sciences (the people who are going to hopefully fix what the Bush Administration is fuck-
ing up, one day). If they gave the department more money and paid more Professors to teach more classes, then maybe,
just maybe some of us would be able to take what we needed without having to worry about being closed out of every
class available in our major that we haven’t already taken. The last time I checked we all pay the same amount in tuition.

The “Sincerely” Pissed Off ,


Ilyssa Fuchs

www.thestonybrookpress.com
5
Compiled by Adina Silverwolf Kotei Aoki,Rebecca Kleinhaut and Madeline Scheckter
University of Missouri: Little relocated from Virginia after living together al will be considered by Governor-elect Ding Dong Pinochet is Dead!
Photoshop of Horrors for three years. Miller was impregnated Eliot Spitzer as he plans his executive budg- Pinochet, who was dictator of
Three post-doctorate biochemistry with a sperm donor in 2002. Miller filed et for the first time this January. Then his Chile from 1973 to 1990, died on Dec.
researchers at the University of Missouri divorce papers in Vermont in 2003, stating (state) budget plan will be submitted to the 10th after suffering an acute heart attack a
are being accused of altering images to that she was no longer a homosexual, and Legislature by the deadline for the 2007- week earlier. The former ruler also had a
match the results of an important paper. she moved back to Virginia with her daugh- 2008 fiscal year: April 1st. build-up of fluid in his lungs.
Kaushik Deb, Mayandi Sivaguru, and ter. While a Vermont Supreme Court found Okay, the proposal sounds beneficial for In 2000, he was charged with 75
Hwan Yul Yong conducted research con- that both parents were entitled to equal cus- us. However, it also requests a hike in murders and kidnappings and was under
cerning cell division after fertilization in tody rights, a Virginia Court granted Miller SUNY tuition. Although the increase is just house arrest for the murder and kidnap of
mice. Their results showed that cell division with sole custody rights. They cited the 4%, it will hurt many SUNY students who two men in 1973. In 2002, the charges
could be more uneven than what was pre- 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, which states chose and may choose SUNY for afford- were dropped, citing that Pinochet was too
sumed, with differently sized blastomeres that one state does not have to honor the rul- ability. Some of them work part-time, and sick and old to stand trial; he turned 91 on
that grew at different rates. The article was ing of another if it involves a same-sex cou- some others take work-study while fulfill- November 25th.
published in Science in February of 2006. ple. ing their undergraduate degree require- Although the former dictator has
Since it was published, many research A lawyer for Miller is looking to take it ments. One of the Press staffers said, “I been accused of killing and torturing many
labs have tried to replicate the findings from to the Virginia Supreme Court and, if neces- work my ass off to pay for my tuition, and Chileans, around 50 supporters rallied
this study. All of them, including The sary, the United States Supreme Court. the hike will bite my ass.” Clearly, the around the hospital, some in tears. His
University of Pennsylvania, have been tuition hike will further suffocate many supporters claim he saved the country
unsuccessful. The results of these tests have Indian PM Halts Dam SUNY students. from Marxism.
been reported back to Science, leading Construction in India Apparently SUNY’s intention is to avoid
Donald Kennedy, its Editor-In-Chief, to Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh unethical tuition spikes. In other words, Yes Virginia, T h e re is a Santa
release the statement that the data in the has stopped laying the groundwork for a SUNY intends to regularly increase tuition, Claus; And He’s a Nazi
published report “may not be reliable”. dam in Manipur after the protests of resi- by about 4% every four years. It calls such Rossman, a German chain similar to
Investigators believe that two images dents. Their reason – it would destroy a periodic hikes a “rational tuition plan.” Linens n’ Things, has pulled a wooden fig-
may have been doctored in order to support sword that rests at the bottom. After accounting for increasing tuition and urine of Santa after customers complained.
the research. R. Michael Roberts, the The tribal people of the area believe that miscellaneous fees, SUNY tuition will Many people sent in photos to the newspa-
researcher in charge of the University of the sword of Jadonans rests on the bottom increase by nearly $1,000 by the end of fall per Bild, claiming that the figurines look
Missouri’s lab, has since stated that he was of the lake, which would be drained if the 2008. like they are giving the Nazi salute. The
involved in the research and that all dam were completed. It would also sub- company that makes the figurines,
research is based in fact. However, he merge an island where they believe the Massachusetts:OMG Haymann, argues that it looks like Santa is
encourages other scientists not to cite it souls of their dead go to rest. Although the Nevermind pointing up to the sky. Performing the Nazi
until the investigation is complete. Also, dam would provide more power to India On November 29th, Justice Judith Cowin salute is illegal in Germany, and it looks like
researchers in his lab must now enter raw and boost the economy in the region, it decided that the state’s entire high court there won’t be a Christmas this year.
data into another system so that it cannot be would flood sixty villages and leave 40,000 should decide on whether or not a proposed
altered. people without homes. constitutional amendment banning gay
The building of the dam along the Barak marriage should be considered by voters.
Vermont Civil Union River is a part of Manipur’s project to The amendment would define marriage as a
EDITOR’S NOTE
Recognized in VA improve India’s infrastructure. Manipur union between a man and a woman, over-
After a bitter battle that began in 2003, a recently visited the region for the first time turning the court’s 2003 decision in favor of
Virginia appeals court accepted the ruling of in two years. gay marriage. Since 2003, 8,000 same-sex
the Vermont Supreme Court that gives one Residents staged a twenty-four hour couples have been married in
Massachusetts. The ban would leave those 8==========D
same sex couple equal parental rights over protest that drew so many people that it
their daughter. The Virginia court cited T h e blocked roads across the area. marriages in tact, but would ban all future
Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act of same-sex marriages.
1980, which is a federal law that ensures SUNY Growls at You The proposal has 170,000 signatures and
that one state must bend to the custody deci- On Tuesday, November 28th, SUNY the support of Massachusetts’s governor
sion of another. proposed a budget proposal for more state Mitt Romney. Romney’s term ends on
Lisa Miller and Janet Jenkins were unit- spending in higher education. The SUNY January 4th, and he is planning to run for
ed in a civil union in Vermont; they had Board of Trustees approved it. The propos- president in 2008.

“So it’s sort of social...demented and


sad, but social.”
The Stony Brook Press Wednesday 1pm Union 060
Cherry, do you belong to the physics club?
6
Ambassador Hsia SINC Site Woes: Is
Speaks to SBU on Double-Sided Printing
Taiwan’s International the Answer?
Representation By Rebecca Kleinhaut
___________
It’s safe to say that students are generally
By Leeza Menon unhappy with the various print centers on
___________ campus. Between the long lines and constant
printer malfunctions, many students are won-
The third and final part of the 2006 dering if it would be more economical to buy
Asian American Colloquium series was a printer of their own.
presented by the Wang Center on The Environmental Club’s campaign to
Wednesday, November 29th, during make double-sided printing the default setting
Campus Lifetime. The speaker of the day was begun in order to help alleviate the
was Ambassador Andrew Li-Yan Hsia, the mounting concernssurrounding SINC site
Director-General of the Taipei Economic printing. They believe that double-sided print-
and Cultural Office. His lecture was about ing would not only help the environment, but
That ghost chick from the beginning of Ghostbusters
Taiwan’s international representation in it would also be a more economical decision Shhhhhh
today’s society. in the long run. They’ve created their own
Facebook group, entitled “make ‘double- sibilities of double-sided printing. A few peo-
Ambassador Hsia started out by saying
sided’ printing the SINC site printing ple expressed concerns regarding the feasibil-
that Taiwan has done remarkably well
default!” in order to spread the word about ity of such an action. Some stated that stu-
over the past 50 years both economically
this problem. dents would not be able to use the feature for
and politically. Not only has its per capita
Last year, a new page quota was imple- assignments. However, Grimm-Greenblatt
income increased, its society is one of the
mented at all SINC sites. Money is now auto- and the Environmental Club understand that
“most democratic” in the world, according
matically taken from the technology fee that double-sided printing would still be effective,
to Hsia. However, Taiwan lacks the inter-
appears on every student’s bill. Each student even if it were used only for Powerpoint pre-
national representation that it deserves; it
is allotted $2.00 every day to print, which, at sentations and other class notes. They also
only has diplomatic recognition from 24
$0.05 per page, means that everybody can feel that it could potentially limit the amount
countries, one of which is the sparsely
print forty pages per day. Double-sided print- of blank pages that find their way through the
populated island of Nauru.
ing costs only $0.08 per page. Once a student printer.
Not being involved in international Rhubarb Stevens
The UN (note the lack of a Taiwanese flag) goes over the allotted amount of money, he or The Environmental Club is aware of the
organizations has been very difficult on
according to him, “the one-China belief is she will not be allowed to print any more. many problems that might follow default dou-
the people of Taiwan. Without interna-
not true” and the Taiwanese people have According to Justin Grimm-Greenblatt, ble-sided printing. Special Xerox paper would
tional recognition and representation, Hsia
“always wanted to negotiate.” The inter- President of the Environmental Club and the have to replace the existing paper of a lesser
says that the Taiwanese people cannot
ests of Taiwan have been largely unrecog- founder of the Facebook group devoted to quality, leading to an increase in the amount
channel their contributions to the interna-
nized by the rest of the world. Hsia said, double-sided printing, the combined printing of money spent for higher quality paper. It
tional community. For instance, Taiwan
“The US can talk about anything except at all SINC sites for this semester ranges could also lead to an increase in paper jams in
committed 50 million US dollars to tsuna-
the issue of Taiwan.” between 4,047,966 and 4,094,203 pages. the existing printers. Also, any sudden change
mi victims in Asia and sought to donate
So what does Hsia see for Taiwan’s Over 680,000 of those were cover sheets. in the printing procedure could mean that
$300 million after the devastating effects
future? Taiwan has already made signifi- Grimm-Greenblatt also estimates that more paper would be wasted if people forget
of the war in Kosovo, but the offers were
cant advancements. For starters, its 682,432 sheets were saved through the use of to change the printing setting. Grimm-
declined because Taiwan was not a mem-
important role in international trade has double-sided printing. Greenblatt has noted that he is open to dis-
ber of the United Nations.
allowed it to join APEC and the WTO. After the implementation of the page cussing any of the potential problems sur-
So why is it so difficult for Taiwan to be
However, there is still a long way to go. quota, a message board was started on rounding his proposal.
internationally represented? Some say
The first thing that needs to happen, Hsia Blackboard devoted to the topic. Many stu- Any student who joins the Facebook group
that Taiwan is not a country; however, the
says, is that the representatives have to sit dents expressed extreme discontent, not only is ultimately signing a petition and stating that
internationally recognized guidelines for
down together and negotiate, with the with the quota but also with the SINC sites as he or she would like to see double-sided print-
qualifying a geographical area as a country
highest regard paid to the wishes of the a whole. Many complained that they went ing become a reality. Supporters of the change
have been met with respect to its popula-
people. As for the upcoming Beijing over their page limit due to blank pages leak- hope to next present the petition to President
tion, government, 24 recognitions by other
Olympics in 2008, Taiwan will be entering ing through the printer. Shirley Strum Kenny with the hope that she
countries, and the amount of territory it
the mix under the name “Chinese Taipei,” There have also been a few past posts on will intervene when any SINC site problems
possesses. Still, Taiwan stays out of most
and if any of their athletes get the gold, a the Blackboard message board about the pos- arise.
international organizations because of
what Hsia refers to as a “one-China princi- specially made “flag song” will replace the
ple,” which many wrongly regard to be Chinese national anthem for the winner.
So ended the Asian American EDITOR’S NOTE
fact. This means that most of the interna-
tional community does not see any dis- Colloquium of 2006. All of the speakers,
I do have a test today. That wasn’t bullshit. It’s on European socialism. I mean,
cernable separation between China and including Sukrita Paul Kumar, Husain really, what’s the point? I’m not European, I don’t plan on being European, so who
Taiwan and still sees Taiwan as a part of Haqqani and the latest, Ambassador Hsia, gives a crap if they’re socialists? They could be Fascist Anarchists, it still wouldn’t
provided a great deal of insight, entertain- change the fact that I don’t own a car. IIt’s not that I condone Fascism, or any
the larger UN member from which it now “ism” for that matter. “Isms” in my opinion are not good. A person shouldn’t
distinguishes itself. ing lectures, and thought-provoking ques- believe in an “ism,” he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, “I don’t
Taiwanese and Chinese relations have tion-and-answer sessions. For dates and believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.” A good point there, after all, he was the
times of further Wang Center program- walrus*. I could be the walrus, I’d still have to bum rides off of people.
become more stable than in the past, but
Hsia still believes there is a necessity for ming, you can go to their website at *The Press staff would like to officially debunk this mendacity. Ferris was incorrect. It was Paul who was the
further debate and negotiation because, http://www.stonybrook.edu/sb/wang/. walrus. John says so himself on the White aIf Ferris had ever heard “Glass Onion,” he’d know.

I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?
7
Fifty Shots Kill Queens Man on Wedding Day
By Joe Rios As the three went to the car, an under- means other than a moving vehicle.” T h i s B l o o m b e rg commented on the shooting:
___________ cover police officer followed behind policy is viewed by many to be contradic- “I can tell you that it is to me unaccept-
them. As the car went to pull away from tory and confusing, as it outlines that off i- able or inexplicable how you can have
On Saturday, November 25th, the the club, it struck the off i c e r, hitting an cers cannot shoot at a vehicle being used 50-odd shots fired, but that’s up to the
atmosphere outside a strip club in undercover police vehicle twice. It was at to run them down, but if the pursuers have investigation to find out what really hap-
Jamaica Queens rang with the sound of this point that the police opened fire. pened.” The mayor also called the shoot-
gunshots. The incident was over in mere When the shooting stopped, a total of 50 ing “excessive.”
seconds, but, when it was over, three men rounds had been fired, 21 of them hitting The nature of the shooting On Wednesday, heated words came
were riddled with bullet holes. Two of the the car, and over a dozen of those hitting from Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson as
men were fortunate enough to survive; Bell, Guzman, and Benefield.
has drawn criticism from civil they toured the scene of the shooting with
2 3 - y e a r-old Sean Bell was not be so The nature of the shooting has drawn rights activists, the general Sean Bell’s fiancée. Trying to ease the
lucky. He was the one to die on the morn- criticism from civil rights activists, the pain, Sharpton declared, “We come this
ing of the same day he was to be married. general public, and even NYC Mayor public and even NYC mayor morning with the family in their hour of
Bell and a group of friends had assem- Michael Bloomberg. Of the five off i c e r s Michael Bloomberg. grief. We’re all family now. Not a black
bled at Kalua Cabaret in Queens to have a who opened fire on the car, none of them family, not a white family, not a Latino
bachelor party for Bell, a father of two, had ever had to use their guns in the line family, a human family.”
who was set to be married the next day. At of duty. Furthermore, ballistics show that a gun in the car, police can shoot at them. This is the most controversial police
around 4 AM, there was an altercation 31 bullets had been fired from one gun, There are conflicting reports that there action since 1999, when police fired 41
outside the club. Bell and his two friends indicating that one of the officers was may have been a gun in the car, despite shots at Amadou Diallo, an unarmed
Joseph Guzman and Trent Benefield went forced to reload his gun to continue fir- the fact that none were found. immigrant from Guinea. The five officers
to their car outside the club. Police ing. According to NYPD policy, “Police Furthermore, the police are presently involved in the current shooting have had
reports say that someone in the group o fficers shall not discharge their firearms searching for what they believe to be a their badges and guns taken away and are
mentioned getting a gun, but the details at or from a moving vehicle unless dead- fourth person involved with the vehicle. on administrative leave. Bell leaves
surrounding this comment are still ly force is being used against the police In a press conference with NYPD behind his fiancée and two children, a
unclear. o fficers or another person present, by Commissioner Ray Kelly, Mayor t h r e e - y e a r-old and a five-month-old.

Typhoon Durian Bush to Iraqi PM: It’s


Devestates Philippines Not Me, It’s You
By Madeline Scheckter By Steve McLinden
___________ ___________

In July, the Philippines’ Mayon volcano With President Bush going to a summit
erupted, and literally millions of tons of debris with the Iraqi Prime Minister to consider
have been building up since. The Chinese solutions for the increasingly unruly situa-
newspaper Xinhua reports when Typhoon tion in Iraq, the White House leaked a memo
Durian hit on November 29th, it caused mas- which called Prime Minister Nouri Kamal
sive mudslides, in which 237 have been con- al-Maliki incompetent.
firmed dead. It is estimated that the death toll The memo, written by National Security
will rise, with some sources placing the cost Advisor Steven Hadley in October, was sent
of life at over 400 already; search parties are to a reporter at The New York Times on
no longer seeking survivors but collecting Lando C.
November 29th. “His intentions seem good
Pixelated tires when he talks with Americans… but the Jesters
bodies. The bodies are being taken to
Bzzzzzz... Ha! Gotcha!
makeshift morgues, as resources are grossly volcano continues to erupt. Although the reality on the streets of Baghdad suggests
over-stretched. The rescue workers suffered loss of life is staggering, there are many sur- Maliki is either ignorant of what is going on, released, Maliki cancelled a pre-summit din-
from a lack of resources as they attempted to vivors who now face grim conditions. misrepresenting his intentions, or that his ner with Bush, though they claimed it was
save those stranded in what is now referred to Approximately 45,000 people are now home- capabilities are not yet sufficient to turn his just a conflict of scheduling.
as a “black desert.” The head of the provin- less, and many have lost their livelihoods; rice good intentions into action,” says the rather Meanwhile, The Baker Report, an inde-
cial disaster coordinated council, Cedric paddies and fruit trees were demolished by caustic memo, which was strategically pendent assessment of American military
Daep, reported that they “do not believe there the storm. Thousands of survivors wait in released to make headlines on the eve of the strategy, is to be published in December.
are any survivors” still buried in the black schools and churches for food, water, and summit of a November 30th summit in Co-chaired by former Reagan Secretary of
mud. Rescue workers are pulling not only medicine. Jordan. State James Baker and 9/11 Commission
bodies, but also body parts from the mud; they Durian’s winds reached at least 120 miles At the summit, Bush and Maliki dis- chairman Lee Hamilton, the report is being
are estimating that 800 people will be report- per hour, with estimations that the winds may cussed ways to solve what is now often facilitated by the nonpartisan U.S. Institute
ed dead. Survivors are searching the piles of have been as high as 165. This was enough to being called chaos in the country as the for Peace. While Bush has dropped “stay the
corpses for their loved ones. Funeral services tear down trees and power lines, and the vol- month of November, the bloodiest since the course” from his lexicon and insists that “we
began on December 2nd because of the rapid canic debris escalated the devastation in the beginning of the war, came to a close. will not cut and run,” the report will present
decomposition caused by the tropical heat. region. It is the fourth super typhoon to hit the Saying that a “graceful exit” is not a reality, a few more catchphrases. “Redeploy and
The mayor of the capital of Albay, Legazpi Philippines, which is hit by 20 tropical storms Bush continued his rejection of “artificial” Contain” would be a plan to move troops out
City, Noel Rosal, visited areas affected by the a year, in three months. The total death toll is deadlines. Maliki, meanwhile, suggested of Iraq and into nearby locations in the Gulf
storm. He himself was affected when a flash nearly 500. Some are calling the area “geo- that Iraqi troops could be in full control with- region (such as U.S.-friendly Kuwait) and to
flood consumed his residence and he had to graphically doomed,” as there are no moun- out American assistance by June of 2008. be prepared to intervene should greater
swim. Rosal says a six-foot wall of water tain ranges to break the winds before they In June of this year, Bush first met with insurgencies arise, which historically-mind-
came down Mayon, and that some people strike. Indeed, between 2001 and 2005, the Maliki, Iraq’s second prime minister since ed observers have compared to America’s
claimed it brought with it incredibly hot large cost of tropical storms has been estimated at the deposing of Saddam Hussein. After the
statements in the Hadley memo were Continued on next page
rocks, which would suggest that the conical $595 million, with a death toll of nearly 3,000.

Can I borrow your underwear for ten minutes?


8
Iraqi PM
(continued)
Act to Provide Affordable LIRR
Continued from previous page

occupation of the Demilitarized Zone in

Tickets Passes Unanimously


Korea for the past half-century. “Stability
First” is a more diplomatic alternative
expected to be in the report, which would
ask for regional assistance, particularly from
neighbors Syria and Iran. By Rebecca Kleinhaut not be able to reserve tickets in advance. votes. Supreme Court Chief Justice nomi-
Iran and Iraq recently struck a mutual ___________ Tickets would be purchased from the nee Aleiya Gafar, who previously served
security agreement, leaving some American LIRR for full price. Senator Antonelli said as a Supreme Court Justice, was primarily
observers concerned that Iraq was moving By next semester, Stony Brook students that he conversed with officials from the questioned about the controversial presi-
into the hands of opposition. The Bush might have an easier way to get railroad railroad about receiving them for a group dential elections last spring, where nomi-
administration has accused Iran of fueling tickets. discount, but was unsuccessful. However, nee Samuel Darguin was sued by USG for
violence in the war-torn Iraq, and President On November 28, Senator Joseph purchasing the tickets for full price would allegedly campaigning out of the their
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been one of the Antonelli proposed to the Senate “The not damage the budget. Senator Shapiro, office. Aleyia’s nomination was approved,
global political scene’s most outspoken crit- Affordable Long Island Rail Road Tickets who serves on the Budget Committee, 13-2-4.
ics of Mr. Bush. Act”. If approved, ALIRRT would provide praised Senator Antonelli’s bill and The nominations of Zoragina Castillo
While the Bush administration has affordable round-trip railroad tickets to the assured the Senate that it would be taken and Andrew Bruskin for the Supreme
tweaked its Iraqi game plan over the past undergraduate student body. out of the substantial budget surplus. Court were approved. Igor Levenberg,
month, with the resignation of Secretary of According to Senator Antonelli’s bill, Added Senator Antonelli:“There should be Marvinia Charles, and Shalmi Rajan were
Defense Rumsfeld and in recent statements, the USG ticket office would purchase 800 no problem selling these tickets with the all approved to serve on the Judiciary.
it appears that Bush is still optimistic with off-peak, round-trip tickets each semester: proper advertising.” In other news, Senator Ketty Dautruche
the way that his administration has been run- 500 to Penn Station and 300 to Jamaica. ALIRRT was positively praised by all introduced The Programming and
ning operations. However, some believe The ticket office would sell them for half of the senators, and the bill was unani- Activities Committee’s latest event, “Meet
that if Bush accepts The Baker Report — of the price, making a ticket to Penn mously passed. and Greet Your Student Leaders”. Students
critics of the administration have suggested Station only $9. Tickets would not be pur- The November 28 meeting was primari- will have the opportunity to meet members
that Bush’s ties to Baker means the recom- chased during intersession. ly focused on conducting hearings in order of USG. Club members and representa-
mendations will have been approved by the Students would be allowed to purchase to put together the Undergraduate Student tives will also be able to learn how to pro-
White House before its release anyway — it one ticket per week to prevent students Government Supreme Court and Judiciary. gram events and learn the budget process.
would allow the President the opportunity to from buying everything within the first Members of the Senate were allowed to “Meet and Greet” will take place in
dramatically change the strategy without few days of their release. Students would question all nominees before casting their February.
admitting mistakes.

Talks of Civil War Sparks Semantic


Battle Over War in Iraq
By Scott E. Silsbe States troops (though US troops are still ernment to maintain order in the region.
___________ being targeted frequently; as of the 23rd, 52 Moreover, the recognition of Iraq as being
American servicemen have been killed in in a civil war where American troops are
Following a series of devastating strikes November). Tensions between the two pri- simply “caught in the crossfire” would cer-
in Sadr City on November 23rd, media out- mary religious sects in Iraq, Sunni and tainly increase calls for a pullout among the
lets are beginning to refer to the Iraqi con- Shiite, have been charged ever since the general population, of which a large part is
flict officially as a civil war. Thursday the toppling of Saddam Hussein’s Baathist already harboring doubts about the war.
23rd’s wave of car bombs and mortar regime roughly three years ago. Saddam, a Nonetheless, both NBC and the New
attacks represent the largest loss of life in member of the minority Sunni sect, York Times have begun calling the conflict
Iraq on a single day since the United States oppressed the Shiite Muslims brutally dur- in Iraq a civil war as a matter of policy. Matt
invaded in 2003. The attacks, which killed ing his more-than-twenty-year reign; one of Lauer, one of NBC’s anchors, said that the
roughly 150 people and wounded over 230 the tasks of the new Iraqi government has change was decided upon because NBC
more, consisted of three suicide car bomb- been to make sure the majority Shiites do officials now see the conflict in Iraq charac-
ings and at least two mortar rounds; the sus- not oppress the now-vulnerable Sunnis. It terized primarily by “armed militarized fac-
pected culprits are Sunni-Arab insurgents. has unfortunately proven unable to quell the tions fighting for their own political agen-
Shiite-Arabs responded by sending a num- violence as of yet. das.” At this point, no other major news
ber of mortars into Sunni areas, particularly Thus a war of semantics has been establishments have made the switch G. Bush
Daily devistation in Iraq
the Abu Hanifa Mosque, a particularly holy sparked regarding whether or not the situa- explicitly; however, “civil war” is appear-
site for Sunnis; the loss of life from the tion in Iraq should be considered a civil war ing in articles more and more as of late. Colin Powell said that civil war in Iraq is a
retaliatory attacks was significantly less (as opposed to a regular war, which is CNN’s policy has been to leave characteri- reality that must be faced by world leaders.
severe. apparently not as bad). The Bush zation of the war up to its correspondents, Powell, speaking at a business forum in the
These attacks and retaliatory strikes rep- Administration has been reluctant to char- many of whom do regularly label the con- United Arab Emirates, said that he “would
resent what is being increasingly called a acterize the situation as a civil war for obvi- flict as civil war. call it a civil war.” He added that, while
civil war. That is: attacks by Iraqis aimed ous reasons: it would mean the recognition It’s not just media outlets that are now American troops must stay in Iraq until the
primarily at other Iraqis, divided along sec- of the failure of the occupying coalition characterizing Iraq as being in a civil war, job is done, any solution to the conflict
tarian lines, as opposed to attacks on United force as well as the failure of the Iraqi gov- however. Former US Secretary of State would not be American, but Iraqi.

No more yanky my wanky, the Donger need food!


9
Villanova Who Writes an Article About
Fucking Door Handles?
Crushes By Alex Walsh
___________
Time passes. I get used to the new order.
Well, not entirely. I did have one act of rebel-

Men’s
lion, pulling pathetically at the near-traction-
There is a beautiful feeling of wholeness less stub of a handle that remained. I got the
when something that’s been missing for a door open, but I probably looked pretty
long time is finally restored to its proper posi- stooge-esque. And if there’s one thing I hate,

Basketball
tion. That’s the sensation I’m currently bask- it’s stooges. Much like the young Luke
ing in as I write this article. As a Press staffer, Skywalker, I had accepted the shitty situa-
Mendelsohn Quad resident, and frequent A-Wal tion. It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it!
By Antony Lin patron of the Union Deli and Bleacher Club, Where the knobs at? But there's nothing I can do about it right
___________ I tend to pass through the Union several times the fucking door handle wasn’t there. now. It may suck, but it’s the only game
a day. Regardless of your personal definition So now I’m perplexed. A rational person going. For all I knew, I would spend the rest
In front of a record crowd of 4,285, the of several, I assure you, you’re underestimat- would take a step to the right or left, open one of my collegiate career in a world where only
Stony Brook Seawolves fell to the Villanova ing. Seriously, going in and out of that build- of the two fully functional doors, and contin- two of the three doors on the Union had han-
Wildcats with a score of 72-44. Curtis Sumpter ing became more than habit. It was fucking ue on his or her way. I have never laid claim dles.
led the way for the Wildcats with fourteen instinct. Wolverine style. to rationality. “I’d swear there was a handle Imagine my surprise when, opening the
points. Ryan Jones, Mitchell Beauford and Sadly, instinct can get you in trouble there before,” I mumble. A fellow traveler left-hand door, I spotted a familiar shape in
Andre Vanterpool each had eight points for the sometimes. Check this: one day I was mak- stops alongside to take a look. “Yeah, you’re my peripheral vision. A few Chaplin-esque
Seawolves. ing my usual transit from Mendy to the Zebra right,” he says. Okay, so I’m not crazy. double takes later, I was in high spirits. The
The Seawolves never had the lead after Path via the Union. I wasn’t paying attention Having sufficiently wrapped my mind prodigal knob had returned! Naturally, I
falling behind 7-0 two minutes into the match. to much of anything. The Bouncing Souls around the situation, I resign myself to the couldn’t slaughter any fatted calves to cele-
“I am disappointed that we did not play bet- were cranked on my Zune (take that, Rios!), fact that my door handle has been stolen from brate, but there was a good bit of mental
ter,” said Seawolves head coach Steve Pikiell. and I couldn’t be bothered with the outside me by some random act of administration or rejoicing.
“We did not play well. I am not sure if we were world. At the accustomed distance from the vandalism. That’s a blurry line in some cases. To all of you who were as upset as me by
ready to play Villanova.” Stadium-side entrance, I reach out to snag the Opening an adjacent ingress, I let fly with my the lack of door handle for those few hard
The first half saw Stony Brook struggle handle and open up the door. Swing and generic expression of dismay. weeks, you no longer have to live in sorrow.
against Villanova’s full-court pressure. The miss. Awkward gym class flashbacks. Yeah, “Motherfucking snakes….” We are all whole again. Complete.

Three Men in a Room: An Afternoon


visitors ended up getting thirteen points off of
the twelve turnovers committed by Stony
Brook.

with Dr. Seymour P. Lachman


“I am proud of our guys,” stated Villanova
head coach Jay Wright. “Stony Brook compet-
ed to the very end. Steve [Pikiell] is doing a
great job in charge.”
Playing man-to-man defense the entire first By Alex H. Nagler speech he was prepared to give had changed
half, Villanova was able to shut down Emanuel ___________ over the past 48 hours, as lecture was shaped
Neto and Mike Popoko. The Wildcats were by two recent events regarding the false trans-
able to spread the ball around, with Mike Nardi There is a gig in the state of New York parency of Albany. The Albany Times Union
dishing out five assists for the game. where an employee can work for essentially asked the legislature to hand over documents
“We were going too fast,” mentioned four days a week for as little as an hour a day in regards to member items, or perks to keep
Seawolves guard Mitchell Beauford. “They and get paid handsomely to do so. This is the members of the parties in line with the
[Villanova] capitalized on our mistakes. Any practically a lifetime appointment and it can party leadership. The legislature tried to keep
good program will capitalize.” only be taken away from the person who these documents sealed, but the parent compa-
Despite trailing by a large margin, a missed holds its office if they really annoy their boss. ny of the paper sued under the Freedom of
dunk by Villanova’s Curtis Sumpter ended up This job is sadly the New York State legisla- Information Act and won. It was revealed that
amusing the 4,200 in attendance. Seawolves ture, the people who draft our budget and 85 million in member items were given to the
guard Mitchell Beauford would follow up with decide our tuition every year. Speaker and the Majority leader each to use
a jumper, ending the half with the Wildcats On Wednesday November 29th, NYPIRG however they wanted. The State Senate has
leading 42-18. had former State Senator Dr. Seymour P. still yet to release its documents. Alex Nagler
“We knew this was going to be a tough Lachman speak on the topic of his new book, Dr. Lachman also spoke about redistricting. Dr. Seymour P. Lachman

environment to be in,” said Sumpter. “We had Three Men In A Room. This is a discussion of The 23rd district, his district, is made up of ty the New Deal and reformers such as
to adjust throughout the game.” the Three Men who essentially control all pol- parts of Staten Island and Brooklyn. I live in a Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Stony Brook came out strong in the second itics in the state; the Governor, the Senate neighborhood known as Bay Ridge that is in and Thomas Dewey. It has become the most
half, cutting the score to 42-20 and causing Majority Leader, and the Speaker of the the 22nd District, save for one avenue. This corrupt state in the union, spending more on
havoc for the Wildcats offense. Led by the Assembly. These three men set the tone for the avenue is the sole avenue of Bay Ridge is in Medicare than California and Texas com-
efforts of Ryan Jones, Stony Brook got the bet- legislative policies of the state, passing what 23rd District; it is a predominantly white, bined, is holding special sessions to raise their
ter of the field goal percentage throughout the they want to pass and favoring legislation that upper middle-class area that tends to vote own pay, and giving money to the specialty
half. would benefit them. Democrat. I live one avenue up and have a projects of their choice.
Nevertheless, the effort was not enough to Before Dr. Lachman was Senator Republican senator. Also found in this district The need for change is obvious. As a clos-
hold off the Wildcats, as the home side fell 72- Lachman, he was a professor in the CUNY is Sunset Park and Coney Island, both of ing note, Dr. Lachman left us with a story of a
44. The Seawolves fall to 3-3 on the season, system and the Dean of Political Science for which are ethnically and economically diverse town in Rochester that created a committee
while the Wildcats improve to 4-1. Baruch. Commenting on his experience in neighborhoods. This district used to be much that pledged to not vote for any candidate that
The huge majority of Seawolves supporters both the classroom and the statehouse, he said: more of Brooklyn until the 2000 census gerry- did not support reform. To prove their point,
stayed until the final buzzer. “The players have “I used to teach the theory of State mandered Staten Island into it and reduced the there were an estimated 500 votes cast for the
never played in an atmosphere like this,” said Government in Baruch. I didn’t know the real- size of the Brooklyn aspect. This district is write-in candidate “Reform.” Reform is what
Pikiell. “I want to thank everyone that came ity until I entered the State Government. There gerrymandered to ensure a Democratic sena- is needed; reform is what must come.
out today. We never had a student section. We isn’t a textbook that teaches it correctly as tor at all times, but there are also districts cre-
are a program that is continuing to improve.” there isn’t an academic who’s there.” ated to ensure Republican senators as well. Alex H. Nagler still has some faith in the
Dr. Lachman acknowledged that the New York was the state that gave the coun- American System.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
10
With Chef Heath

As in any workplace, funny situations arise restaurants; after all, no point wasting uneaten the raining fire. I have been in the kitchen. I suppose it is
and become part of the company’s lore. Every food that can be recycled. As the flaming bits of potato start to burn, something akin to sailors, where cramped
employee at any job can tell you a story that I inform the other busboys, and from a they produce a thick smoke and intense heat. conditions, tiring work, and unending stress
begins “This one time…” However, kitchen party of 150 people, we collect about 100 This heat begins to melt the tinfoil which was necessitates a level of familiarity with your
stories are something slightly different. uneaten baked potatoes (this is back when on the potatoes. It was one of the foulest coworker which is uncommon in other indus-
Kitchen stories carry with them a certain con- Atkins’ diet was really big). We pile them on smells I have ever had to deal with, worse tries. However, it is important to note that
notation of silliness due to the fact that we in the counter behind the line and go back to than burning hair. BBK is normally an exclusively male activi-
the culinary industry handle people’s food. clearing the tables. Over the course of the next As the fires started to die down and the ty. Females who attempt to partake, whether
So, in the tradition of passing these stories half hour, I was kept busy doing other tasks, smoke cleared Frankie and I began to survey they are kitchen hands, chefs, or wait staff, are
down to my kitchen hands to tell over and such as refilling water pitchers, fetching ice, the damage. Not only had a new layer of often excluded because no one likes a sexual
over again, I will tell you these stories in and most importantly, trying to get the cute molten aluminum been added to many parts harassment suit, and women (not to sound
hopes that you can appreciate the kind of shit waitress (Jen, how I miss you), to come into of the kitchen, but also a black, burnt residue like a chauvinistic pig) often do not take jokes
that you are never well aware of when you the dry storage closet with me for some had formed where the potatoes had burned. It of this manner in good spirits.
order your chicken sandwich and fries. hands-on professional training. When I final- looked like the aftermath of a laser gun battle This type of affection transcends rank,
Actually, I am broke from eating at Roth ly get some downtime, I notice that Frankie with little fires burning everywhere, scorch social class, ethnicity, language boundaries,
recently, so I do not have the funds to even eat has scooped out the better portion of the marks on every surface, and piles of unintelli- and sexuality. It is not about sex, it is more of
at the SAC. You don’t know embarrassment inside of the potatoes. I thought that maybe he gible garbage. The incident was kept as secret a demonstration of love and care that can be
until you have brought a brown bag lunch was going to make some twice baked pota- as possible from the manager, we all worked interpreted as a method of letting your coun-
with leftover salmon fillet to college with you toes, until I saw the can of chaffing dish fuel hard for the next few days to remove any trace terpart know that you are there to back them
from home. and a spoon next to him on the counter. of the Great Potato Fire, but most of the marks up even when we are in the weeds. It is the
Let us begin with the Great Potato Fire of Chaffing dish fuel is about as close to napalm could not be fully removed. It was not until perfect expression of joy, worry, sadness, and
2003, a story about Frankie and his irregular- as you can get; it burns at an incredible tem- my second year as a chef, some three years anger. BBK is psychologically similar to cry-
ities. Frankie was the head chef at my restau- perature, very slowly, and it is so sticky that it later, that I was finally able to scrub out the ing. Many people, upon encountering BBK
rant from its opening in 1999 to 2002. At this can be placed on an upside down surface in last of the burn marks on the counter. for the first time as either a participant or an
time I was still working as a caddie on the golf large amounts. In a phrase: flammable gelatin. The second insight into our depraved and observer, may think that we kitchen folk are
course and doing some busboy work in my After another ten minutes of work, Frankie sadistic world that I am going to share with all homosexuals, when in fact, we merely
free moments. After the summer of 2002, he had filled all of the now-hollow potatoes you is the instance of Brokeback Kitchen. share a deep intimate bond of friendship and
disappeared and we all just assumed that had (with tin foil wrapping) with chaffing dish First off, let me state that I am a heterosexual love that no words can truly describe.
been caught in a meth bust or had lost his fuel, and had inserted paper napkins into them man who loves women and has no doubts in My first experience with BBK was
mind and gone to live with the Sasquatches in to act as fuses. I think we can all see where his this fact. But the phenomenon that is BBK is when I was still a dishwasher; I had given up
Saskatchewan (which he spoke of often). train of thought had been headed just before it something which transcends sexuality and being a waiter and decided that the kitchen is
Frankie was what is known as a “Crazy had derailed. At this point, Frankie looked me moral consciousness. In every kitchen I have where I belonged, since I cannot stand people.
Mother Effer,” and was overly fond of fire dead in the eye, slowly drew out his Zippo ever been in, BBK is not only tolerated, but it The Sous Chef at the time was Arturo, a
and explosions. In one instance, he had put a lighter, and lit the fuse on the first potato. I is the norm. It is something which no one can, Guatemalan man who had come to the States
lit firecracker into one of the waitress’s drinks, couldn’t move. I couldn’t say anything, all I or for that matter should, control. looking for work when he was 14, and had
and not only succeeded in spraying the drink could do was watch him hold it in his hands, BBK starts out in any kitchen as an inno- made a name for himself in the culinary work
all over said waitress, but he also managed to and observe the carnage about to ensue. cent remark, a slight accidental touch, or even of the East End of Long Island (He still makes
shatter the glass and imbed a few pieces of it The important this to remember is that between two chefs reaching for the same the best Franciase sauce I have ever tasted).
WWII shrapnel-style into said waitress’s chaffing dish fuel does not explode. It simply knife. Next comes an innocent gesture of One day, I was washing plates when he whis-
body. Frankie was dangerous and comical, lights very quickly, and burns for hours. playfulness and friendship, such as a pat on tled to me (a common form of communica-
and we all loved him dearly. However, when you put it in a closed place the ass, a pinched nipple, or by answering the tion in the kitchen, often used in conjunction
One day in mid-April of 2002, our golf with another flammable substance, such as in insult “F you” with “Where and when?” From with Spanglish) to come behind the line. I
course had hosted an outing (a lot of drunken a potato, it reacts to form a pocket of super- there is takes many forms. In my kitchen, it is thought that he wanted me to clean the deep
and unattractive men getting together to play heated gas which bursts forth from the con- not uncommon for another male cook or fryer or some such task. As I turned the cor-
golf), which included a surf-and-turf dinner tainer with a great deal of force. It also spews kitchen hand to walk by and tweak my nipple, ner, he stood before me with his legs a shoul-
after the round. I was working as a lowly bus- forth burning bits of potato covered in fuel gently or forcibly grab my package, pinch or der distance apart. He then brought his hands
boy, which is a position which holds two that cling to nearby surfaces. caress my buttock, or even to run their finger down to his inner left thigh, grabbing the
direct benefits: we have the most time (other So this Idaho grenade (or potaterade, we across my collar bone. I often return the ges- flesh, and making it appear as if he had a large
than the chefs) in order to dick around at never decided which was a better name) goes ture with a blown kiss and a wink, or by recip- penis (See photo). I was shocked, appalled,
work, and our work is unbearably easy. Even off with a force of vengeance in Frankie’s rocal touching. On occasion, when the oppor- but I felt closer to him than I ever had before.
in my kitchen now, I spend most of my free hand. Luckily he wasn’t burned, but did get tunity presents itself, one of us will dry hump I then walked to him, pinched his nipple (at
time joking around with, and for no good rea- some of the mashed burning shrapnel on his another, sometimes forming a chain 3 to 7 which he squealed), and went back to work
son, feeling up the busboys (more on that clothing. He then dropped the potaterade into people long. It is this show of homoeroticism with a growing sense of calm and peace. That
later). So here I am, at the end of the night, the pile of the other hundred of these things. I that gets most of us through the stressful day. is what BBK is all about. Perhaps, one day, if
clearing tables, when Frankie, good old help him put out the fires on his coat, not real- There is also no better way to relieve the ten- the world can all learn to BBK, there would
Frankie, comes to me with a twinkle (it might izing that the other fuses are already burning. sion between two people than by one hump- be no more wars. Perhaps, one day, we may
have been an embolism from the speed ball he Without warning, the kitchen turns into Dr. ing the other when they bend down to pick up have peace.
just did) in his eye, and asks me to round up Atkins’ hell. It has fiery bits of starch, tinfoil, the piece of chicken that they just garnished So remember, readers, eat good food,
as many uneaten baked potatoes from the and petroleum flying through the air. Frankie with some floor spice. drink good wine, and please, for God’s
tables as I possibly can. I assumed that he and the rest of us present take refuge in the It is about being comfortable with the peo- sake, tip generously. The waitress doesn’t
wanted them in order to make hash browns walk-in freezer or use stockpot covers as ple that you work with. I have never been as work there because she likes it. Good
for the next day. This is a common practice in shields in an attempt to save ourselves from close to any of my coworkers at other jobs as Eats!
Dick? Excuse me, Rich?
11
Uncredi-Bull, by Facebook©- “Free Flow of
Information on the Internet”
Using Internet Explorer (or some- but also steal your information.
times even Firefox), you encounter Considering that Symantec’s Internet
some site that is supported by advertise- Security is a bundle of A n t i v i r u s ,
ments. Some of you may vividly Firewall, Spam Filter, and Spyware
remember the annoying pop-ups. r e m o v e r, the flow of Internet is never
H y p e r Text Transfer Protocol transfers free. Do we complain about Symantec?
the information to pop up along with the Of course not, we just take those tools
web page that you click to view. Many for granted. “Free Flow of Information
of you may have noticed “Pop-up on the Internet” bans them.
Blockers” from somewhere, such as an So having “Free Flow of
extra bar embedded in your browsers. Information” will cost you more than it
Pop-ups display unwanted advertise- will benefit you. People probably they
ments, annoyingly cause pop up want the free flow for file sharing.
browsers, remotely manipulate your Universities generally block network
computer by implanting viruses, auto- flow by interrupting network tunnels,
matically install a tool to steal your per- called ports. The ports that major file
sonal information, destroy the sharing networks use are blocked
Operating System (i.e. Windows) of because we like to take advantage of
your computers, and so on. Pop-up ads the university’s wide bandwidths (in
can do so much more harm than we gen- simple terms, faster downloads). T h e r e
30th Century Art
erally imagine. “Free Flow of are reasons for blocking them, of
Futurominimalism
Information on the Internet” prohibits course. File sharing has been monitored
By Kotei Aoki ly started with. The few benefits from such “Pop-up Blockers.” by the RIAA since the Napster case,
___________ “Free Flow” are that you can listen to Especially for Windows users, the and is subjected to copyright law
CD-ripped music without buying the interrupted flow of information is infringement. Moreover, the universi-
I often hear of this open-source file CD, watch DVD-ripped movies without always an invaluable feature. Yo u ’v e ties are concerned with unnecessary
sharing software called DC++. T h e buying the DVDs, and read textbooks probably heard of “Firewall” by now. It congestion in their network. Being a
analogy of technology this software without buying the textbook. There are basically filters the Internet accesses student, I understand draw of getting
incorporates is the following: people unwanted consequences for letting from your computers to the outside things for free, whether it is music,
gather around the water coolers to share “Free Flow” on the Internet. world and vice versa. So it limits movies, textbooks, or software. So, I
information in person, in which you can One problem is that the title suggests strangers, namely “hackers,” from would like to get my hands on the
make a Direct Connection to the file an open door policy to all of our spam accessing your computer. I accidentally excellent (but unaffordable) software,
you want from others. On the other as well. Many people may not think watched the movies Wa rgames and like Photoshop. But we should under-
hand, the now-dominant structure of about it too much, but your favorite Hackers the other day. If you have stand that it is the company that
file sharing is like posting flyers on bul- mailing systems heavily invest on their watched these movies yourself, you decides to offer their products to stu-
letin for your sharing list, in which case spam filtering technology to reject and sense the fear of “Free Flow of dents and we should not violate their
you can see what is available but need to eject unwanted messages. W h e t h e r Information.” works by reproducing their market
to reach out to the person (i.e. via you call the unwanted messages junk or Various Antivirus and Spyware items. So “Free Flow of Information”
phone) who shares the file. not, for computers, it is still informa- removers can also filter information. means the danger of leaking our per-
So, this campaign issue relates very tion. “Free Flow of Information on the For example, viruses not only damage sonal information and is against the
closely to the file sharing that I sudden- Internet” eliminates spam filters. the Operating System of your computer privilege of using technology.

TOP MUSic PICKS OF THE FORTNIGHT


MARIANA
Amos Lee - Supply and Demand
Top 10:
Don Haynie and Sheryl Samuel - Please Don't
Fats Waller - Promo
Tom Waits - Orphans Blame it All on Texas
Evlis Costello and Allen Tousant - River in Reverse Various Artists - Paste Magazine Sampler 26
Ben Folds - SUPERSUNNYSPEEDGRAPHIC, the
Beck - The Information
lp
Say Hi to Your Mom - Impeccable Blahs
Blake Miller - Together with Cats
Duke Robilland - Guitar Groove
Beatles - Love
Yo La Tengo - I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will NICK
Beat Your Ass Down Lo - Lead my Way
Tenacious D - The Pick of Destiny
Decemberists - Crane Wife
Thumbtack Smoothie – Fallback
Sadies - In Concert
Inspector - Amar O Morir
Chuck Picklesimer - Dead Ninja Christmas

Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal


12
Honus Wagner’s The Epic Conclusion
Combustion of “Just Shut Up”
By Kotei Aoki Classroom and also provides refreshments
___________ for their performances. I think that says a
lot. By Joey Safdia and Irv Novoa is completely private property. They have
What is the best student band on cam- The trio of Honus Wagner performs ___________ the right to ban anyone they want for any
pus? I nominate Honus Wagner. I have with their full enthusiasm. I can tell. What reason, and I respect that. But maybe Jim
tracked their performances after they com- always attracts my attention is the way Good. We’re back. Those bastards at s h o u l d n ’t have put on his “Statement by
busted Mount College. Mike Taffet, the Mike plays. He slaps strings with his palm, The Stony Brook Press, who worry about the founder” that he supports free speech,
bassist for Honus Wagner, calls Honus and he picks and flicks strings with his such trivial things as money and paper or any First Amendment rights (he and his
Wagner a “funk rock” band. pinkie. He plays in such a dynamic way and ink, forced us to separate the greatest members advocate trying the New York
Honus Wagner consists of guitarist that he must be putting his mind into per- article in print media history—the sequel Times for treason because they reported
James Pelowski, bassist Mike Taffet, and forming to the fullest extent. Mike also to the smash hit, Shut Up, Just Shut Up— on Bush’s domestic spying program)
drummer Gary Jacobelli. Honus Wagner plays the main role in entertaining the into two parts; the second of which you since that completely goes against his
formed in the fall of 2005. Their pieces audience (body gestures and posing for are reading right now. Congratulations on policy of banning “trolls”. Seriously, he
reflect the influences that each member has cameras are involved). James’ way of being more literate than the retard sitting states that Free Republic and its members
had. While they mostly play a mix of Bob showing his enthusiasm was to snap two next to you. But still, how dare they? It’s (called FReepers. Seriously, I shit thee
Dylan and Jimi Hendrix songs with “a strings at once during their performance at like containing the universe in a box! not) are “pro-God, pro-life, pro-family,
modern edge,” they do have a number of Hendrix College. I know it is bad luck or Blasphemy, I say! This is the funniest pro-Constitution, pro-Bill of Rights, pro-
originals. Progressive rock/metal, alterna- whatnot. Still, I interpret that as the result thing to hit The Press ever! And shit, they gun, pro-limited government, pro-private
tive rock, funk, and jazz are a few genres of his enthusiasm. The trio’s combined suck at humor almost as badly as Alex O. property rights, pro-limited taxes, pro-
that appear in their pieces. They cover enthusiasm in their performance once from The Patriot, if you can consider capitalism, pro-national defense, pro-
quite a large spectrum of music. Of course, combusted Mount College such that the “Don’t Be Half a Man” to be humor. freedom, and-pro America.” They oppose
they also integrate improvisations every so fire alarm went off…well, it was not tech- Good job with the Al Bundy quotes, by “all forms of liberalism, socialism, fas-
often. Their songs carve great impacts on nically their fault because someone hap- the way, as it was an awesome idea to cism, pacifism, totalitarianism, anar-
you, especially if you are familiar with the pened to smoke the kitchen in the resi- have Al Bundy write the article for you. chism, government enforced atheism,
genres they mix. Literally, their sounds dence. But enough about that shining display of abortionism, feminism, homosexualism,
vibrate your body. So I became a sincere fan of Honus originality, and back to the issue at hand. racism, wacko environmentalism, judicial
I have to admit, I am not familiar with Wagner. By telling my opinion of the Fuck you, Press, if that is your real name, activism, etc.” Two other things Free
those genres and not a fan of overly loud band, I hope you also will become inter- for not having the greatness to contain our Republic also claims to oppose are
music, but I still keep going to their per- ested in it. You can find out more about greatness and for forcing us to cut our “wackoism” and “global balonyism”. I
formances, now with a headphone to pro- Honus Wagner on their Facebook group. writing in half. But enough of this! There swear I’m not making this up. As always,
tect my sensitive eardrums. Honus Their songs are available on their are genetic defects and evolutionary the next 1,176 REPLIES consisted of
Wagner is well-credited by many. One of MySpace page: defects that need to be informed of the people mindlessly agreeing with him (that
their sincere fans is Kimberly Goodman; http://www.myspace.com/honuswagner- revocation of their First A m e n d m e n t is the exact number). As is the case for
she has attended every performance of trio. Also, they seem to be playing every rights. Those people who were created by every thread on this site, “FReepers”
Honus Wagner’s. Moreover, believe it or other Tuesday at Kelly. Lastly, if you the cruel hand of fate scraping the bottom (whom should be embarrassed to be
not, LEG loves Honus Wagner so much need a band to play, Honus Wagner wel- of the gene pool and avoiding the pointy known by such a dumb-ass fucking
that it permits them to play in College comes such requests. Rock on! end of a rusty coat hanger need to be told name), the initial post by Jim is followed
to shut up. Their ignorance about con- by 200 straight replies of people stroking
cepts such as intelligence will be the end each other’s dicks. No, I would not lie to
of us all, so I call on all of you too stupid you about this. For every semi-coherent
to read this to shut up. Just shut up… for reply, there are about 25-40 responses of
AMERICA!!! And now, we present to people giving one word replies and the
you the second half of the sequel to Shut like, such as, “AMEN”, “Give’em hell,
Up, Just Shut Up: Jim”, “That’s why I’m pleased to be a
Free Republic. HOLY CRAP IN A monthly donor”, “Go JR! This is great!”,
G O V E R N M E N T-APPROVED HAND- and “We got those liberals running
BAG!!! The people of www. f r e e r e p u b- scared” (note: These are actual replies on
lic.com are as psychotic as can possibly the Statement by the Founder. The replies
be. Now I understand that there are many to all other threads aren’t much diff e r e n t .
conservatives that support Bush, the Iraq It really is 200 straight posts of dick
War, or other Bush Administration poli- stroking). They claim to oppose racism,
cies. But this site, its founders, and its but they are the biggest racists I’ve ever
posters take this America-worship to a seen. Islam is considered a death cult by
new level! A new level of psycho has FReepers. For example, in a thread about
been achieved! Free Republic is another a Muslim woman who wouldn’t take off
one of these blog sites, a right-wing one, her veil in a courtroom while testifying
but it’s different from the others, mainly before a judge, though it is something that
because these people aren’t conserva- the woman should have been required to
tives, nor are they neoconservatives. They do, one FReeper replied, “Well f*** it,
are complete and total fascists. They maybe I’m part of a bizarre ski cult that
abhor, though they won’t admit it, every hates Americans [a reference to an earlier
value America was founded on. The mod- joke about wearing ski masks to court and
erator and founder, Jim Robinson, deletes talking to Muslim women though mail
any post that contradicts the opinion of slots], in which case I’d be protected by
himself, his members, and the Bush the document that Americans hold most
Administration. If you question any dear.” His signature read as follows,
American policies (as long as they are “Idiot Muslims. They’re just dying to
Republican-made ones), you get banned.
Kotei?
No questions asked. Now, Free Republic Continued on next page
Bonus Honus!

up his ass, in two weeks, you’d have a diamond.


13
Epic Conclusion (continued)
aggressively defend our God-given and and adhere to all the rules of the site when dominated society and the Church’s posi-
Continued from previous page
first amendment guaranteed rights to free you do so. You will be amazed at how tion on homosexuals is to deny them
have sex orgies.” Another poster on speech, free press, free religion, and free- quickly you get banned, I guarantee it. rights that others have, such as marriage.
another thread wrote, “Everyone dom of association, as well as our consti- Just make sure your virus protection soft- Oh, they love to say that marriage is only
Everyone Everyone would be so much tutional right to control the use and con- ware doesn’t delete the site. They won’t between a man and a woman. Right… the
better off if all Muslims were deported tent of our own personal private proper- like that. guy in Jesus’s latest pimp-ware with a
from Western lands”. No, you accident ty,” is immediately followed by the con- I support your right to free speech. t r a ffic cone on his head is going to tell me
created in the backseat of your parents’ tradictory, “Despite the wailing of the lib- Now shut up, Jim. Just shut up, FReepers. what’s right and wrong. The worst part is
car, “everyone everyone everyone” would eral trolls and other doom & gloom Homophobes. HOLY CRAP! W h a t people interpret this in their own way and
be so much better off if “you you you” naysayers, we feel no compelling need to fucking century do we live in? Either somehow come to the awe-inspiringly
were deported from Western lands. “ I I I” allow them a platform to promote their there are a great number of these retards stupid conclusion that all gays are bad.
would feel much better if you were repugnant and obnoxious propaganda or I am just gifted with the ability to These are the same ass-hats to advocate
deported into the middle of shark infested from our forum.” Once again, I support attract stupid. Why do I hear people get- tolerance of their own religion in schools
waters, actually. Learn to fucking type Jim Robinson’s right, as owner of the ting grossed out by homosexuals? That to allow prayer and the teaching of cre-
too, cum bucket. These people are fuck- completely private site, to ban any mem- prejudice shouldn’t deserve the response ationism. I can tolerate a man wearing a
ing racist like I’ve never seen, mainly ber he wants for any reason he wants. But I’m giving it. That deserves immediate human head as a hat with a necklace made
against Arabs, Palestinians, and anyone of ears dancing around me on a city bus
else who is part of the “death cult” that is trying to exorcise the demons out of me,
Islam, whom are often referred to as but I don’t have to accept him. If these
“Muzzies” (they’re people, not dogs, you people taught acceptance rather than tol-
assholes). Oh and you should see what erance, maybe they would take the time to
happens when someone posts a picture of understand others instead of judging them
a gay couple (not doing anything, just a before actually meeting them. Oh, and
simple wedding picture or whatever). 100 the next person to talk about any of the
consecutives replies of, “Ewww”, following will be sodomized until they
“Disgusting!,” “Those disgusting fags,” are impregnated and give birth to a baby
and so forth. I love this country 110%, through their penis. First off, the “homo-
but this makes me ashamed to be an sexual agenda”. There is no homosexual
American, especially when they praise agenda, you fucking Darwin Aw a rd .
the United States and its founding ideals Anyone who says otherwise should be
while calling for gays, Muslims, and lib- deported to a gay club in San Francisco.
erals to either be discriminated against, You cannot fucking believe that there is a
relocated, or killed. Again, I am not mak- giant gay conspiracy out there seeking to
ing this up, though it is admittedly hard to turn America gay. Which leads me to my
believe that there are actually people in next point; people who talk about the
this country that seriously think like this. “Homosexualization” of America. I call
They praise God the entire time too, so bullshit on it. Your IQ, I mean. It’s defi-
these people would also make me nitely a four at most. Gay people just
ashamed to be a Christian if I actually want to take part in the same monotonous,
were a Christian. They also have a fetish loveless, miserable marriage that straight
for declaring abortion to be murder (and people engage in (why, I don’t know).
sometimes “genocide” if my memory There is no “homosexualization” of
serves me), other cultures and nations to America, there is no plot by liberals and
Officer Krupke
be inferior to America, any and every Shut yer trap old man! public schools to raise our children to be
constitutional violation and infringement homosexuals. You are a fucking retard if
of civil liberties by George Bush to be Jim, don’t ban someone because they dis- execution! Perhaps a good old fashion you believe in this, and if you do I will
perfectly A-OK, and Democrats to be agree with your beliefs or government one, like stoning or boiling alive in oil. fucking beat you to death with a stick.
anti-American traitors who want to “cut policies and then sit there and tell me that What the hell is wrong with being gay? Same for anyone who claims that the
and run” and hand over America to the you support our First Amendment right to Homophobes act like it’s a contagious homosexuals are pushing their culture
terrorists. Speaking of which, they actu- free speech, because you are a fucking disease that needs to be wiped out. Sorry, onto him/her. You do not deserve repro-
ally have the gall to declare people who l i a r. And congratulations to all you buddy, but you’re a moron. People have ductive organs if you are that stupid. Gay
oppose their beliefs as “traitors”. FReepers, you have earned the right to been gay from the beginning of time and people don’t care if you embrace their
“Treason” is a common word uttered (and not exercise your First Amendment rights they’re going to be gay till the end of culture. They just want you to leave theirs
shouted) on this blasphemy of freedom for a change. Do us all a fucking favor time. Besides that fact, everyone has a alone. Also, anyone who claims that a gay
that we call a website. I swear, if you and don’t speak. You make the other gay family member. They probably marriage ban won’t infringe on a gay per-
oppose the War on Terror, you’re a traitor right-wing extremists look worse than h a v e n ’t come forward with it, but there is son’s right to marry because they can still
to America. Vote Democrat? You’re a trai- they actually are. You’ve forfeited your someone gay in your family. So why is it marry any person they want as long as it’s
tor. Believe that the United States should right to freedom of speech, so shut up, seen as immoral to be gay? In my experi- someone of the opposite sex will get run
adhere to the international laws passed by just shut up. Most of you probably think I ence, a homophobic person is suppressing over by a car. Such is my royal decree and
the United Nations, an organization that am making this all up, and if I didn’t see their true feelings and is the first to admit divine command, human shield! You can-
America joined freely after World War II? Free Republic, I would swear that if they are actually gay. So, again I ask the not be this stupid and remember to
That’s treason, too. Oppose the Bush someone told me about this, they were question: why is it seen as immoral to be breathe, which is what I am counting on
Doctrine, racial profiling, or domestic lying. But I am not. Go check it out for gay? It is now an established belief that for the good of America. I have seen Theo
spying? Oh, that’s definitely treason, big yourself if you’re willing to risk the pos- being homosexual is more than upbring- Huxtable give better arguments to Cliff
time, as well as defeatism, passivism, and sibility of a brain aneurism. I urge people ing, but a large part is attributed to genet- about getting him a car on The Cosby
conspiring with the terrorists (always to sign up for this site and do me a huge ics, and thus, beyond anyone’s control. Show than this piece of crap in opposition
referred to as giving them aid and com- favor. Post anything you want. Anything, However, the fear of being gay is from to gay marriage. Every person deserves to
fort). The Founding Fathers would have it doesn’t matter. Post your own view- upbringing. Prejudice is not inherent, it’s marry the person they want to marry, and
been ashamed to have seen this site; it’s a points, be they liberal, conservative, taught. So where do the teachings come this is just your sorry-ass excuse to con-
slap in the face of every value and belief socialist, communist, fascist, libertarian, from? Religion. Whether we want to
admit it or not, this country is a Christian Continued on next page
they held. I love how the line, “We or whatever, and just make sure you read

www.thestonybrookpress.com
14
Epic (concluded)
us marvel in our own greatness without we’re writing a new chapter in the course inherit the Earth. But they have miscalcu-
Continued from previous page
question, why not have someone give us of history, America stands by the lated: We love our freedom, and we will
trol other people’s lives and make them as the truth? I want the truth, plain and sim- oppressed peoples of the world as they fight to keep it” (yes, I’m crying a single
miserable as you. Because, under this ple. If you can’t give me that, then sit cry out to be liberated and live in a tear with the reflection of the American
fantasy logic, straight people can actually down and shut the fuck up. Many a year democracy, terror, freedom, freedom, let flag in it. WHAT IS THE STATE OF
marry the person they love, but gays have ago, the State of the Union was a written freedom ring, special guest with heart- OUR FUCKING UNION!!???); “The
to settle for people they aren’t attracted to report delivered to Congress that told of warming story, something about children United States will not retreat from the
at all (so that when gays divorce their what you’d think it would tell– the state not being left behind, something about world, and we will never surrender to
opposite sex partner, you fucking red- of the union. The status of the economy, Social Security, something about those evil” (hooray for patriotic moral
necks can point at them and revel in their national security, and the like, and recom- fucking faggots and their activist judges absolutes); “Under the No Child Left
high divorce and infidelity rates). That’s mendation for future legislation. Today, and how a constitutional amendment is Behind Act, standards are higher, test
not a compromise, that’s a civil rights we have the words “freedom” and “ter- needed to protect marriage from some- scores are on the rise, and we are closing
infringement. Go eat dinner at Deng ror” repeated over and over while t h i n g - o r- o t h e r, random threat to third the achievement gap for minority stu-
Lee’s (that may be the worst threat I’ve Congress claps their hands like dancing world nations that still have terrorists in dents” (…………………………..); “We
ever given a human being). The last thing monkeys for over an hour (they should be them, specific threat to member of the are witnessing landmark events in the his-
I have to say is that if gay people marry- given a standard issue, government Axis of Evil (their headquarters located tory of liberty. And in the coming years,
ing each other is a threat to your own approved fez and cymbal). I swear, they right next to that of the Legion of Doom), we will add to that story” (again, I’m all
marriage, then maybe you shouldn’t have spend more fucking time applauding than exportation of terror, terror, evil men for liberty in countries that have none, but
gotten married in the first place. they do actually listening to the speech. being afraid of democracy, something, this is making me fucking nauseous).
Obviously you’re not right for each other, Besides the flowery language about the something, something, six straight min- Mr. Speaker, Vice President, members
and you cannot maintain a relationship, resolve of the American people not want- utes of applause and handshaking, and of Congress, fellow citizens, the State of
so don’t fucking have one and leave those ing to give up in our “mission” in Iraq (he done. Oh, and freedom. Thank you. I walk our Shutting Up is weak, so I urge all
who can alone. Now, you fucking homo- must mean that mere 34% of the away from every State of the Union Retarded-Americans to do just that. To
phobic stains of humanity, go have sex American people who still support the speech now knowing that there are good shut up in the name of freedom.
with a giant guard dog. war) and that of an Iraqi civilian popula- guys and bad guys with no gray area in And shut up, just shut up, if you can’t
The Bible tells me to love the shut up, tion determined to vote, live in freedom, between. America loves freedom, as do tell which parts of this article were a joke
hate the shutter upper. and not die in the civil war that erupted as our allies. Everyone else loves terrorism. and which were real. Seriously, we don’t
People who correct others while a result of our invasion, Bush and many of I think that’s about right. Yeah, whatever make death threats in real life, and I will
they’re typing…. his predecessors bring out special guest the case, Dubya (and every fucking presi- fucking slit your throat if you can’t wrap
Irv to Joe: Shut up. Just shut up. Holy after special guest; all of them ordinary, dent who’s given the exact same speech that around your thick caveman skull. I
shit, you did it again. uninspiring, forgettable, completely use- as the one I just outlined): just don’t say probably wouldn’t have to, even if that
G e o rge… fucking… Bush. We could less people that the President giving the anything anymore. Just walk out onto the last threat were serious, because you and
write a book telling this jackass to shut State of the Union addresses uses to play podium, grunt like an apathetic 13-year- your people, the Stupid People®, will
up, and while it’s the collective belief of on our emotions. Or he’ll just tell their old responding to her parents, and walk probably die out due to good ol’ evolution
both authors that Bush should have his stories even if they’re not there, such as, away. That would probably be more pretty soon. Survival of the smartest,
tongue removed and stapled to his fore- “A young woman in Baghdad told of wak- informative. I will leave you, my loyal bitches. The purpose of writing this article
head and have his noise-hole melted shut, ing to the sound of mortar fire on election henchmen and faithful peasant-monkey was not to hear ourselves, um, type, nor to
this is specifically telling Bush to stop his day, and wondering if it might be too dan- servants, with some memorable quotes: curse and make fun of homophobes, red-
State of the Union addresses. Does any- gerous to vote. She said, ‘hearing those “Every year of my Presidency, we’ve necks, and Christians (though those are
one actually listen to him speak? When he explosions, it occurred to me - the insur- reduced the growth of nonsecurity discre- always added bonuses). We are writing
actually does make a halfway coherent gents are weak, they are afraid of democ- tionary spending, and last year you passed this because people are stupid, and they
statement, it’s not telling us anything, and racy, they are losing. ... So I got my hus- bills that cut this spending” (nonsecurity? perpetuate their stupidity by speaking. It
when it does contain some facts, they are band, and I got my parents, and we all They’ve cut back on everything EXCEPT is our mission statement, written thou-
worded in an unbearably optimistic way. came out and voted together’”. This was for military and defense? Well that sands of years ago on sacred parchment,
The State of the Union address is sup- referring to the heartwarming story por- explains where they got the money for the to stop the spread of people’s viral stupid-
posed to be just that; it’s a report on the trayed in the 2005 State of the Union domestic spying thing); “Tonight the state ity with common sense, free of any and all
condition of this country. Instead, Bush address, the same one where he said that of our Union is strong…” (the State of the forms of political correctness or general
fills the space with how great we did and justice was distorted by “frivolous Union is…strong. Thank you, Mr. respect for other people. Now, you
how much better we are going to do this asbestos claims” (“Nah, I’m not looking President. Thanks a lot); “Abroad, our Prepackaged Single-celled Humanoid
year in every aspect. No… step away for justice. I’m just trying to milk the Nation is committed to an historic, long- Blood Sacks, we, your lords and masters,
from the podium, and hand the micro- defendant for their money so I can afford term goal: We seek the end of tyranny in gods among gods, issue you one final
phone over to someone who isn’t an idiot. non-essential luxury items like our world. Some dismiss that goal as mis- decree.
I am an adult and as such, I don’t want to chemotherapy”). The whole thing is just a guided idealism. In reality, the future Shut Up. Just Shut Up.
be dicked with when it comes to some- fucking ceremony now, and it’s filled with security of America depends on it” (and COMING SOON! JUST SHUT UP ®
thing this serious, and last time I checked, optimistic propaganda that only the our next goal after that is to make people TRADING CARDS!! COLLECT THEM
the members of Congress were adults, biggest fucking morons in America, such stop thinking unhappy thoughts. Some ALL! TRADE THEM WITH Y O U R
too. We don’t need a fucking pep talk, we as FReepers (shoot yourselves), can fall dismiss that goal as misguided idealism. FRIENDS, USE THEM TO CUT THE
need answers. We need to know what is for. I shouldn’t have to clean apple pie off In reality, the future security of our supply TH R O ATS OF STUPID PEOPLE,
wrong, so we can fix it. The only way to my TV monitor after watching a political of magic pixie dust depends on it); “. On CLEAN HOUSEHOLD ELECTRON-
progress is to examine your flaws and see speech. It’s always the same. The State of September the 11th, 2001, we found that ICS, CREATE A SOCIETY OF MOLE-
what you did wrong to avoid future mis- our Union is always strong, we are always problems originating in a failed and MEN, CUT THE THROATS OF STUPID
takes. How is that going to happen when waging a global war against evil men who oppressive state 7,000 miles away could PEOPLE, GET S TAINS OUT O F
Bush just states one or two terrorist hate freedom and democracy, we thank bring murder and destruction to our coun- CLOTHES, MAINTAIN GOOD ORAL
attacks that were silently thwarted, fol- our men and women in uniform, we talk try” (while not completely untrue, that HYGEINE, CUT THE THROATS OF
lowed by those patented feel good words about the resolve of the Iraqi people, then tells us only about half the story. But it’s STUPID PEOPLE, CREATE A C O M-
like freedom, peace, and justice, followed the resolve of the American people seem- the patriotic parts, so we only get the parts P LIC ATED SYSTEM OF W O R M-
by how much we love and were success- ingly to test the resolve of the Iraqi peo- that matter. Yay!); “When they murder HOLES, PREVENT P LA N ETA RY
ful in the aforementioned fuzzy words? ple, then the resolve of the Iraqi people children at a school in Beslan or blow up DESTRUCTION, OR CUT TH E
In place of having some dyslexic cave- again, freedom, terror, terror, freedom, commuters in London or behead a bound THROATS OF STUPID PEOPLE! COM-
man with a southern accent trying (and stay the course, cut and run, freedom, captive, the terrorists hope these horrors ING TO A [* IN S ERT LO C ATIO N
failing) to play sleight of hand by having freedom, terror, freedom, terror, terror, will break our will, allowing the violent to HERE*] NEAR YOU!

www.thestonybrookpress.com
15
Humanity Slowly Descends
By Bojin Traykov our own college. But the library abuse is ical or economic interests. It looks like actual War on Freedom) is an excuse for
___________ the most outrageous recent case of out- history repeats itself. the trampling on all human rights, citi-
right violence with political implica- Not so long ago in Europe a mad man zen and non-citizen alike. It openly
The recent case of police brutality tions conducted by the authorities managed to convince an entire nation shows the ugly face of the American
against an UCLA student sends a chill- against a student in his own college. that the root of all evil was one ethnic empire transforming on its final stage of
ing message to those who may dare This poses the questions: is the abuse a group. Hiding behind his madness there e x t r e m i t y, ever since Dumber the
questioning the actions of the possessors random incident or a demonstration of were concrete economic and political Second ascended into the throne and
of power. An Iranian-American student increased aggressive and uncompromis- interests of corporate big business. The gathered his fascist clique. But what is
who was at the university library was ing coercion tactics to silence dissent? ethnic group became a scapegoat for this really alarming is the lack of a serious
picked on obviously because of his Are we facing a political trend that aims man’s horrific crimes that had dreadful alternative. Humanity is slowly
appearance by an UCPD cop, whose at demonizing and singling out a partic- consequences for all humanity. descending into times of terror that even
main job, by the way, was to protect the ular ethnic group or groups and propa- Eventually, he got what he deserved and Hitler would envy (he did not have the
students and guarantee their safety. The gates ethnic hatred? Or is this a part of a rightly became a symbol of monstrosity total economic and political control that
cop asked for an ID and the student process with much deeper connotations? all over the world. Is the same scenario the US calls globalization), while con-
refused to show it sensing racial profil- There is a long history of racial hatred played once again? Nowadays, the centrating on events of great importance
ing. The student then proceeded to leave and discrimination in this country that is instruments of oppression look similar such as Tom Cruise’s wedding! The
the library as ordered by the police. And not limited only toward A f r i c a n and the events that brought them about media is doing its job well – making
while leaving, as the many witnesses Americans. Here are just a few exam- are not much different. Hitler’s Enabling sure that the process of retardation is
had confirmed, he was for no apparent ples. In the 1800s Chinese immigrants Act of 1933 was implemented after the permanent. So, what is the future
reason repeatedly tasered with a stun were fiercely exploited and died by the burning of the German Reichstag. It was preparing for us while the majority has
gun. thousands while building the railroads a direct attack on human liberties, which been turned into amorphous mass with
The incident itself is disgusting of the West. The culmination of this was justified as a protection measure no consciousness and no desire for
enough, even though we are somewhat assault was the Chinese Exclusion Act from terrorism. Does it sound familiar? struggle? And the few who possess them
familiar with this tactics of terrorism of 1882 whose main purpose was to get One does not have to do much research are reminded with acts such as the abuse
applied by the police and have seen rid of the Chinese people, when they to discover the striking similarities in the library, that they might be next.
them being used on minorities and were no longer needed. The between the Patriot and Enabling acts. Oh, I forgot: America love it or leave
peaceful protesters. But what is more Immigration Act of 1924 was aimed at The form of propaganda used by the it! An ungrateful immigrant like me has
disturbing is the place of occurrence. It preventing the coming of Southern and ruling regime and supported by the no place in here criticizing the Land of
happens in a library of a university well Eastern Europeans to the US, while at media is successfully implanting fear the Free that gives us the sacred freedom
known with its reputation for hosting same time allowing immigration from and hatred. It is combined with a rise of to choose between Wal-Mart and Target!
many students and professors with pro- Western Europe. And let us not forg e t hypocritical patriotism that the elite I am sure that many will shout: Go back
gressive views. There have been other that there were times when even the parades with at any given moment. This to your own country. My country by the
attempts in the past to silence the pro- Irish and Italians were not perceived as tactic seems to work and bear its fruits. way like many others is slowly but sure-
gressive voices in UCLA. A right-wing “White”. It has managed to mobilize all the right- ly turning into a new American colony,
alumni group known as The Bruin A special attention should be given to wing warmongers, religious psychotics, with three newly built US military
Alumini Association has tried to bribe the Japanese case, where the hysteria prejudiced and ignorant rednecks and bases. But what do you know, this is
students with hundred dollar bills, if created by Pearl Harbor culminated with white trash degenerates. The white democracy and if you don’t want it
they ratted on “radical” professors. Are the Roosevelt’s executive order 9066 in supremacists can justify their racism Operation whatever will make sure to
we witnessing a rise of neo- February 1942 and led to raids against and xenophobia by waving the “Die ter- bomb it in your head. After all, the
McCarthyism? the Japanese Americans and their send- rorist scum!” card. A browse at the com- Emperor said it himself: “If you are not
There have always been attempts to ing into concentration camps. This is an ments of the video that documents the with us you are against us.” A motto
curb the freedom of speech in numerous illustration of what the outcome is when UCLA abuse reflects the hatred and with which another famous monster –
colleges, including the recent smear fear and hatred toward an ethnical group prejudice created by the terrorism hype. Stalin ruled A m e r i c a ’s former worst
campaign against Prof. Tito Gerassi in are intentionally instilled to serve polit- The phony War on Terrorism (read the enemy – the “Evil Empire” itself.

www.thestonybrookpress.com
16
L18
L19
Untitled by Raven Bosque
I let the darkness
Wantin g eclipse my heart
so I no longer
feel the pain
The Rug I want a sunrise in my pocket. I’ve wrought
So i can wake up early before it's bright my soul.
By Jon Plaisted And when you sit next to me i'l,
laugh. I'l smirk because it meant all the world to me, Reincarnation
and i've got a light
My soul is
in my hands, and my dreams wash off (like dirt)
The tiger is often hunted reborn without
for the tiger skin in forgotten You could say i want to be dirty memory.
But my name's already Mud. New ones
places, the hunting
start each time.
is hot and sticky. By Nick Greenwald What vaguely comes
The hunter must be strong up is a mystery
lest he be disemboweled to who I used to be.
by his own greed,
his own ambition.
He must be bold at day’s
end now to close his
eyes in tiger country
and call it a day.
When the tiger is caught
he is skinned and packed
in striped suitcases designed
PIECES OF ROME ARRIVING
especially for tiger hunting.
Hunters stack tiger skins Pieces of Rome I came back from a place
one on top of the other, cling to my feet Arriving here
and place their eyeballs dirt and dust nothing has changed
upright side by side. monument rust Nothing except me.
No one cares about what Pieces of me I am one
the tiger’s seen or what here in this street and although not alone,
the tiger’s dreamed... slip and slide I feel changed.
il autobus ride Though not different,
As he stood there on the hill
Inches of grime I feel new.
fending off all comers
at 2am time Though I never was "old"
spitting a tooth on the ground,
smells of rot I feel good.
a tooth–and his whole life
gravel and rocks Through and through.
splayed before him. Brush on my skin Every day,
stick to my soul the outlook in me,
Seep in my nose is a refreshed set of eyes
Pieces of Rome. upon the world.

L20
Soul Purity Poems are by Ruby Crowe
By Al Mishkin
Untitled
seven houses of energy-
You’ve abandoned me
so I must do the same.
the center we call the heart-
I’ll never forget
not the physical, pumping what is necessary- what we had and,
but the spiritual center or part- what a shame,
if you were to dip your finger in to chutney- what I did to destroy it.
and put it in a cup of water -
slowly but surely-
Untitled
it would effect thee entire order- Broken mirror scattered.
this way similiarly evil consumes- Dreams forever shattered.
read suratal asr in Qur'an.......man is doomed- Everything forgotten and gone.
if we don't seek to purify-
through actions that are justified-
who are we really seeking to please, is our testification of faith a lie- THE PASSION OF THE SON OF MARY-
By Al Mishkin
to help to remember..... what is written on allah's throne-
muslimin be careful, RAMADAN's end is near Shaitan is coming back home- IS THE SAME AS THE COMPASSION OF ALL THE PROPHETS-
WITNESSING, LISTENING, TEACHING THROUGH PROPHECY ONLY SEEKING AFTER LIFE PROFITS-
RESISTING TEMPTATIONS-
LEADING THE NATIONS-
Purple: BY EXAMPLE WITH SAMPLES THE SPIRITUAL INEPT FOUND ALLEVIATION-
GENTLE PERSUASION, BY THIS MUCH MANIPULATED-
LEAVING THE WORLDLY ASPIRATIONS MUCH HESITATED-
Influenza strikes me down and sends my brain into the DISBELIEF IS EASY, FAITH IS HARD-
TO BRAKE THE SPIRITUAL STRENGTH OF SOME WHIPS, CHAINS AND BARS-
Deep Purple
PROJECTS, RESERVATIONS AND CONCENTRATION CAMPS-
I go silly and swirl around as my head throbs RIGHTEOUS AND DEVILS BOTH SIGNIFIED WITH STAMPS-
RIPE TREES DON'T GROW ROTTEN FRUITS-
Glands pulse, and though there may be different color cameos HOW RIPE IS YOUR TREE IF TO POOR COUNTRIES YOU SEND TROOPS-
Purple is in my eyes FRUIT LOOPS, PROCESSED TRASH-
ONLY FORCING PAYMENT OF CASH-
ONLY SPIRITUAL VAMPIRES-
So fly, under the swarthy voodoo carpet
LIKE HARLOTS BATING THEIR PAINTED EYELASH-
OUTER PRETTY PICTURE OUTER REDUCED TO ASH-
In the swamp, in the moldy wooden shack NO PHOENIX WITH IN BUT QUICK TO PULL CONDOMS FROM STASH-
Fly, but don’t forget, you’re sick
BACK TO MY PASSION, WHICH BRINGS ME SATISFACTION-
PREMEDITATED ACTION FOR THE PEOPLE ENTIRELY NO FRACTION-
And purple is my illness. Ode to Empty Space WHAT'S MY FACTION ?.... SLAVE TO THE MOST HIGH-
MY EVERYTHING, WHY I WAS BORN AND WHY I MUST DIE-
Fuck HE I FEAR, THIS IS WHY I STEER CLEAR-
By Nick Greenwald you OF POLYTHEISM, MATERIALISM AND WOMEN ONLY ABOUT THEIR DAERIARE-
empty SELF DESTRUCTION STARTS WITH LACK OF FUNCTION-
space THE PROPHETS TAUGHT HOW TO KEEP YOUR CALORIES FROM THE DEVIL'S LIPOSUCTION-
BACK TO THE ANOITED-
C a l i fornia - By Nick Greenwald How WHICH WAY HE POINTED-
do NO MATTER IF THE GROUPS STAGNATED UNSURE-
I am six
these HIS REMEMBERANCE AND FAITHFUL ACTS KEPT HIS CHAKRA PURE-
and every thing is R ed words PHYSIOSOMATIC SYMPTOM AND DISEASE DID HE CURE-
The windmills on hills remind feel THOSE YOUNG IN HEDONISM HE GUIDE TO MATURE-
me of bir ds. inside HORSE AND CARRIAGE WITHOUT THE MANURE-
It seems tha t a ll i see are of THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIGE HE SUPPORTED PLUS STAYED POOR-
you? HUMILITY AND HUMBLENESS WEREN'T MIRACLES BUT GIFTS-
sunsets.
BUT JUST LIKE TODAY THE SYSTEM CHANGED THE GAME AND THE PUBLIC SHIFTS-
At the Burning bea ch i p la y,
THEY TURNED THEIR BACKS WHEN THE ATTACK RAN ASUNDER-
ground of Brown, a nd purp le too NO DIRECTOR TO YELL CUT, NO BLEEPS, NO BLUNDERS-
Here I get distracted by the sk y again LOUD LIKE THUNDER OR SHOULD I SAY OCEANS-
and the Floor is falli ng away . EYES LIKE FIRE, SOLUTIONS WITHOUT MAGIC POTIONS-
now Everythi ng is R ed, THEY TALKED THE TALK BUT DIDN'T WALK THE WALK-
And the fire ants a re not my fr iends. WITHOUT FEAR OF MAN THE SON OF MARY, THE ANOITED DID STALK.

L21
Today, (starting with how I woke up) IV. Love, Simply (Now, Sitting, Watching the world and people pass by)
Two bodies face each other, two
By Nick Greenwald
form a heart
From where I sit its just her, he
I. Thoughts from Bed
And the Garbage can In between

But, only from where I sit,


The clock demanded my movement
Is that what I see.
As wasted Yesterday
And if I really
Crept forward,
Think, The garbage is Really
Presenting itself in warmth
Only in the distance,
and strangling sheets
But without it,
I wonder is there a heart?
II. After class My mind is free again

V. I Donít like tomatoes (But thereís Worse)


Endless

Fields of Flowers have become


I feel the tomatoes
Brimstone
Slide in between my fingers
Clawing up Walls
As I watch the cigarette in her mouth
And flowing across hills
and he smoke on her lips.
what is that like as itís going down?
Empty hands are trees
Does it slide and slither, wriggling itís way
pointing to an empty sky
down her throat? All I know
like Desolate Paper.
Is that a tomato wonít corrode you
from the inside out.
III. Taking the Walk

VI. Stylish Girl

The Few leaves left on Branches


Her hair fell slick
Are pebbles in a stream
on her face
Yellow and Red are Ripples on a
like oil on water.
Bland pond of Grey

VII. Birds and the Gathering storm (And Iím still sitting)
Green makes a splash

as plants from cold Dirt


The Stony sounds of Rusty Door Seagulls
Dribble
are harbingers of A storm
Up
As they circle the stone Axi

I found myself sitting around.


II. B. (Revisiting the steps from after class)

VIII. Thinking about things


Wet earth
slides Grass
Enough sleepy tress together,
from its Roots
Create a blur
And dandelions stand lonely
Rather Than a forest.
Upon Dirty steps
of Displaced seed

L22
IX. Getting Ready to leave (Impending Rain) XIII. B. A second Glance

All grey Buildings And all is smooth across the cold water
Look Rain-wasted Except for Neon Uniforms,
Even in the Sun. That scream against the
A splash of Bouncing Umbrellas Indifferent atmosphere.
act as a colorful wash against Monotonous Brick
Bobbing and moving to make the walls look Brigher XIV. Hopeful Dream
against the Dark Sky I look Right, And for one second it looks like...
...A leaf fell from his silent mouth.
X. Interrupted And secretly,
I hope that I will see
Tired Evergreens Worn Down by dead Brisles A forest bellow forth
Imitate the coming Rains from more of the
...Then he walked into view and... steadfast lips
Smoke came so naturally from his beard Surrounding me.
That you would think

he was but ash on the inside XV. An overview from the Room (Along with talks with another Dreamer)

XI. How to Realize Youíve sat too long Falling leaves


And combs from the ceiling
The smell of old fish The first thing you told me today
Reminds me of manure on stone was that youíre angry
I wonder if it attracts birds
Returning over and over like Vultures Sitting here and wondering
Just what Iíve felt today
Glass harboring light I Realize, thatís not all, thatís not all I can be
makes the building glow like gol

XVI. Stepping out (much later)


XII. My favorite Tree

At night
Roots Rip themselves umbrellas become
from the earth Black Roses
with the scream And Illuminated Rain is not mist,
of but sand, and I am in a desert of light.
Split wood XVI. B. Midnight conspiracy

XIII. At Black Lake Flat (A sleepy walk Home) Inside the Shady Dark, trees hide behind one another,
to disguise their numbers
Near The Black Lake, Flat, And when I walk near Pine trees
Like marble with viens of white Barbed wire is Obscured by the smell of smoke
fomr the sky that
Are Really a minor reflection
In minor Waves

L23
Frogstomp By Christopher Di Niso

W
ith a plastic bag wrapped over my hands I grabbed the there were numerous complaints to 311 piling up about a dead

body and slowly pulled, a light trail of blood diagramming dog in front of a posh apartment complex. On our card he had

a line from where it was hit to the roadside. An orange leaf was written in shorthand “p/u dead dog” with the address underneath.

sticking to the ear, probably held there by the blood. As I picked it What that basically translated to was that he wanted us to pull the

off, the girl who had been crying almost the whole time asked me garbage truck up in front of it, take a shovel and lift the dog into

if I could flip it over to see where it was hit. the back to be crushed up with the rest of the trash we needed to

“I need to see it” she said, a tissue still dotting her eyes and pick up from the neighborhood.

cheek from time to time. The whole ride there I couldn’t get my mind past it, I kept

I told her “it’s better if you don’t,” as I slid the now red bags seeing in my imagination a picture of me throwing trash into the

off and into the leaves gathered on the sidewalk. back and seeing a bloody snout and two dark unforgiving eyes

“But I want to see” said one of the boys, with a bit too much staring back at me from between the black bags. Finally arriving,

fascination in his voice than I would have liked. I just shook my there was a Parks Department jeep and a Police cruiser with its

head before standing up and asking them if they knew who’s cat it lights flashing parked off to the side. The cops were just hanging

was. No one knew for sure, but the teary eyed girl said she around there car while a woman startlingly wearing just a t-shirt
thought she might know. It wasn’t long before the four teenagers was standing a bit off from them. It was October, and mornings

had decided they’d go visit the old woman in question to ask; which like this next to the water sometimes were unforgiving even in a

was a lot more than most people would have done. jacket, but I didn’t have long to think about it because it was then

“But what’s going to happen to the cat?” the other girl that I saw it.

asked me, turning around quickly as if it had just occurred to her. Wrapped under a sweatshirt and jacket, all I could see was

“The Parks Department or the A.S.P.C.A. will probably come the head lying on the pavement. My partner Durbin pulled the

by and pick it up,” I told her. The group lingered for a moment truck over and yelled out to the woman: “We’re here to pick it up.”
more before finally setting off. Thinking about what I was asked to She turned around towards us, her arms crossed over her chest

do yesterday I was trying to keep out of my mind the many inappro- for warmth but instead dually adding to her powerful visage.

priate yet efficient ways the city could have this poor cat picked up. “No” she yelled, amazingly clear over the rumbling engine.

Across the street a woman pulled her car off to the side directly “It’s not dead, you can’t take him.” I could hear Durbin whisper

across from the cat, and for a second I fooled myself into thinking “shit” under his breath before he pulled the truck up, parking in

it’s someone else that cared. front of the squad car. I knew I’d have rather not looked but some-

As she got out of her car, she looked over at the tiny body thing else overtook me, and soon enough I had slipped off my seat-

sprawled out across Wilder Avenue, blood once again pooling belt and was kneeling down right in front of the dog, with the Parks

around the head, before turning and walking to her front door as Department woman now standing behind me. This close and I

if it were an ordinary day. Not even a tinge of remorse could be could see the breaths; the jacket rose and fell, gasps of air labori-

picked up as her door shut and locked, ignoring the world outside. ously being taken and exhaled time and time again. Without turn-

It was like this yesterday too, but instead of Staten Island it ing around I asked the woman if anyone had found out whose dog

was in Battery Park, and instead of a t abby it was a German shep- it was, her answer coming back “no.”

herd. At work my foreman had given us a ‘top priority’ pick-up; “He has no collar.” Looking down I could see a thin line of

L24
blood that reached almost a yard, fueled by the pool around the lake when I happened upon this group of kids. They were excited

dog’s mouth. I couldn’t tell with just the dim streetlights if he was and fighting each other for the chance to see a tiny frog one of the

taking in blood through his nose trying to breathe, but by the older girls had managed to catch in her hands. She would open

sound it seemed like it. It was almost eight by then, and as I would her hands every now and then to show them her prize, but when

find out later it had to have been lying here struggling for hours. that got boring and attentions started to wane she came up with

Corrigan had driven by it at five on his way to work. That meant the idea to “squish it.”

that in at least those three hours only one woman out of all the I yelled and pleaded with her not to, to just let the poor thing

passing motorists and residents had bothered to even see if the go. Everyone else on the other hand just stood around; I guess to

dog was alive. Everyone had just kept on going, including the driv- them it didn’t matter whether the frog lived or died, they just want-

er who hit it. Everyone had been ed to see what happened. She tightened

much too ready to think of it her grip and suddenly that was it, it

as dead, rather then find an was over. A few kids looked to see

ounce of compassion how ‘cool’ the crumpled frog looked

in them and have actu- but soon enough they were on to

ally checked. the next thing, forgetting entire-

Not two blocks ly about the body they had helped

away was a dog park where, drop lifeless into the grass.

during warm, sunny days, you I’m not so sure that it really paralleled the thoughts that

c ould find a countless number of local were arising in me when Durbin finally called me back over to say
animal lovers walking their pets, and yet the garage supervisor had informed him to continue our route,
the reason I was here was because 311 had received four calls of and that if we were needed to pick it up later he would give us

a dead dog in front of their apartment building. Looking around at another call. I felt like saying to Durbin ‘could you really pick up this

the endless windows and terraces, I couldn’t tell what to think of dog knowing you had seen it alive only a couple of hours ago?’ I

people anymore. I couldn’t understand how they were so quick to didn’t though, knowing he only took it as another job that had to be

decide this dog was ruining their lavish view, how selfish they were done.
that they were so quick to have it washed off of their streets. That was yesterday, though, and although we were never

Clearly people had seen it, yet if they had come within ten feet they called back I still couldn’t get it off of my mind. Standing over the

would have seen the chest heaving, the fight still existent in this small life less body at my feet, I couldn’t forget. The wind was

dog they left for dead. Even more unnerving to me was the thought kicking up leaves, and they began collecting on the cat’s back-

that they had realized the dog was still alive and had just kept on side. I wish there was more I could have done for this cat, but

walking by. realistically even I knew I had reached my limits. Walking away I

It’s not that I want to be judgmental of people, but some- didn’t take solace in the fact I had pulled the cat to the side to
times I wonder. When I was young, I was attending a funeral for a save him from the disgrace of being run over again, but I did in

distant relative and at some point, like many of the other kids seeing that group of kids actually care as they set off to find its

there, I had wandered off. I was walking around by the artificial owner.

L25
The City That Never Sleeps Astors crunched raptly on Norsemen, you maladroit
By James Messina
By Christopher Di Niso

He stayed frozen in the street; glass and pavement in his Ichthyosaurs fling ischia nastily down. Magi yelling sibilances ele-
hair, his belly facing the sky. The driver lounged on the yellow gantly, longingly. From Hyperborean altruists the isthmus nictates;
cab’s door, a spiderweb marking the point of impact on the wind- Gnostics mention yeast jowls, owls bare hirsute attenuations. Trysts
shield. involving narcissistic gnus transmit hatred embers, pregnant red erst-
With a phone to my ear and words entering the receiver, I while semblances. Susurrations! Needing ephemeral xanthous trellises,
noticed no one else had called. Save for the woman kneeling your endearingly apoplectic raconteur warred internally. Lo!
beside him, no one else had bothered to help. Languorously beguiling enquiries sent onwards awkwardly went forth
unto landlocked territories. Haunting ethereal cadences on occidental
Standing on Canal and Greenwich in ‘the city that never
longitudes, purposefully emitting onerous philosophies. Lambasting
sleeps,’ I felt oddly still as the audience surrounded us; they
remained detached enough to circumvent participation, only echidnae amble ‘round exceptionally gargantuan obelisks, inevitably now
becoming louder and larger. going towards other bilious omens. Were omphaloskepsis useful, the
pusillanimous of rocky towns enter now to speculation. Of fens dire, of
ominous moons I fain oblige recitation. Ending seeds ever ending.
Politicians scurrilously announce nothing, dour raiment everywhere
wringing sorrow anon. Never a zelophobe, I.

Rooftop Admonition
By Pizda Huyova By Pizda Huyova

You know, I’ve thought a lot about this the last few days. It’s kind of been weigh-
We sit on the roof of our apartment, just you and me. I point
ing on me, and here is what I think:
out for you the Empire State Building, a shooting star, the
Kozciuszko Bridge, LaGuardia airport, the deli where I get my
I think that four things could happen: One, we have a beautiful relationship that
cold cuts. You offer me a cigarette, and I take it without hes-
ends when you leave. Two, we have a relationship that crashes and burns, and
itation. You take one too, and we sit in a comfortable silence, it won’t matter because in the end we’ll never see each other again. Three, we
puffing away. You lay your head to rest on my shoulder; I acknowl- have something special.
edge its presence and imagine it as an extension of my own body.
Or four, nothing happens.
Time passes. Neither of us know how much time. Our cigarettes
have long since finished; I concentrate on hearing your breath- And I’m not going to choose that one. And I won’t let you choose that one,
ing, feeling your chest heave, sensing your warmth. I wonder what because I believe. I believe that we could be something special, something like
you might smell like, what you might feel like, what you might nothing else in the world. I believe in you and me.
taste like deep in those places that are reserved only for a rare
few. And by God, I’m going to make you believe.

You lift your head up and look at me. Your face is a look that Life is long and hard and miserable. There are brief moments of transcendent
says "I know what you've been thinking." And then it says some- joy bracketed by the mundaneness of ordinary existence. We wake up, we
thing else I couldn't quite make out. You move your head, fore- brush our teeth, we shower, we go to work, we come home, make a shitty din-
head-first, toward mine. I reciprocate, thinking that this could ner and watch TV. But it’s those small moments that make our lives worthwhile,
be what I've been waiting for. that make them meaningful.

This … this could be a moment. Right now. All you have to do is take my hand
You see my eyes.
and say yes and we can go back downstairs and watch The Colbert Report, but
it will all be different because you will know and I will know that in these few
You turn away.
months that you’re still here, we will have each other, and that’s something no
one else in the world can say.
You head for the door.
Believe in you and me. Believe in us. We can be something special. All you
I sit on the roof again, staring at the skyline. This time I feel have to do is say the word, and the universe will open up and the sky will take
the biting cold, and the skyline isn't quite a beautiful as it us in and we will be swallowed up in its majesty.
used to be, just five minutes ago. I wish I had another ciga-
rette. Just say yes.

L26
Saturday Morning
I
t all began with a drumbeat. Centuries ago, someone took a rock Place your hand behind your ear. The man at the bass should
and swung it against another rock and made a drumbeat. Today, have bloody fingers by now.Yes sir, the tips of his fingers should be so
someone is waiting behind a drum kit somew h e re in the re c o rd chapped that he has new fingerprints.T h e re should be skin on the tun-
playe r, eyes open, mouth twisted. He’s waiting on yo u , waiting for yo u . ing pegs and blood on the baseboard . He shouldn’t have to look for
But he trusts that eve ry morning, you’ll cue him for that drumbeat. w h e re to place his fingers.The fruit of his labors have marked his place
After your eat your bread sandwich (bread between two f rom the night before, and the night before, and the night befo re … .
pieces of bre a d , nothing more, nothing less), you stand before your big Explosions! Watch the platinum girl twirl on top of the re c o rd
brass band and raise your baton. It’s the band you’ve alw ays dre a m e d playe r, twirl with the Earth’s new rotations. See how she grabs a clump
of. It’s the band that you stand in front of eve ry Saturd ay. What yo u of her fre s h ly pomaded hair in each pale fist. That dress gives her no
don’t know is that your children are aw a ke above your head, lying in s h ape but she’s got class, a woman who can hold her liquor so we l l
their beds, listening to you direct your band.You also don’t know that that you don’t know if she’s cracked a drink until she grabs your
t h ey ’re smiling, giggling eve n , their rosy cheeks cove red by their fleece friend’s hand and wants to share his umbre l l a , his and his alone. But
b l a n ke t s . that happens much later, and it might never happen if she never stops
As your girls begin to laugh, your big brass counts the drum- twirling!
beat patiently, pounding the heels of their unpolished black shoes in Twirling!
unison. You know that your brass is always together, even once the Twirling!
re c o rd stops. You imagine them sitting at The drumbeat. The drumbeat.
the bar afterward s , o rdering whateve r ’s Gets yo u
on tap, and they take their peanuts thre e eve ry time. It
at a time so they’ll all end up having the always catches yo u
same amount. T h ey ’ve calculated it by surprise, no matter how
perfectly, and you know that it’s taken m a ny times you hear it. But eve n
them many trips to figure this out, though the baton never stops, he
but they don’t mind because they ’re does. Because he trusts you as he trusts
always together. himself, as he trusts the men who’ve come before
Your trumpet is a loner, but him, the ones who created the drumbeat with stones long
he does this by choice. He likes the befo re big brass began.You don’t know exactly when it all started, but
other guys, but he pre fers to spend you know that it started way before you came to America. But to yo u ,
his nights alone, watching the paint this song is America.
peel off of the walls until the sun You turn to the doorway, and you are greeted by six blue eye s
com es up. He doesn’t mind. He does it as they peer around the doorway. You’re the man who eats bre a d
because this is where the passion comes fro m , w h e re it comes forth sandwiches and sings them to sleep and who, eve ry Saturd ay morning,
and bre e d s .When his trumpet wails, it mere ly reflects the man under- g reets them with your mu s i c, with your drumbeat. What they don’t
neath. You feel this through every note, just as he does. know is that in a few years, t h ey will begin to feel your drumbeat in
Slow your baton to four- four time, sweeping it across the sky, their chests, and they will continue to feel it long after you are gone.
framing your clarinet man, your main man, not a child genius but a sea- You are their drumbeat.
soned ve t , someone who’s been told that he sucks more than once. You are their drumbeat, just as your wife is yo u r s .
W h e re does the pain come from if eve rybody tells you how fantastic She comes up behind you as the baton slow ly lowe r s , wrapping her
you are from the time you first learn what those wo rds re a l ly mean? arms around your waist.
No sir, your clarinet needs soul, m o re than your trumpet eve n . He’s “You’re my Benny Goodman.”
not afraid to let it show, even when his notes get a little out of his She is as real to you as the drumbeat is to him. It’s beautiful
c o n t ro l , even as he closes his eyes tightly to test the limits of his pitch. because you trust her.
You lower your baton a few degrees and watch for a moment. He’s You turn to her. You grab her hand. You take your stance.
not afraid, and neither are yo u . You dance.

L27
Hindrances
Chapter One - She the big labels. She stepped inside, bathing her-
self in the wave of warmed air that made its way
There are stories, and then there are stories. over her. As she browsed through the used cassette
-Charles De Lint, "The Conjure Man" collection, she couldn't help but wish she hadn't
spent down to her very last dime on rent and food.
She walked alone. Her footsteps were all but And cigarettes. And ink. And paper. And a
silent upon the cracked sidewalks of the city. Her cowl.
gait was slow, nervous. She shivered. The first She sighed, not just her lungs, but every
snows of winter were upon the city, gently dusting muscle and bone and organ, all at once.
the streets and rooftops with sugary white. Her Turning on her heels, she found herself, soon
brown hair, a tangled, knotted mess, was at her enough, on Broad View, cigarette in one hand,
shoulders, stuck in place by the stiffness of her lighter in the other. Smoking, it must be said,
posture, rigid as rebar. The wind daren’t blow, it does little to warm oneself during the cold. She
seemed, for a few minutes. Then it changed its mind realized this relatively quickly — relatively
and her hair flew behind her. She braced herself taken so as to mean "once she had tossed the butt
against the bitter chill, to no avail. to the curb." Her two favorite haunts stood before
People were staring at her. This was nothing her now, Elmer's Books, home of the youngest ante-
new, per se. People tend to do that to one dressed diluvian shopkeeper in the world, and Big Joe's
in such an eye-raping manner as she was. From head Pub.
to toe, there was nothing about her outfit that On Levy, she found herself all too tempted to
didn't make one's eyes run to the hills, screaming add to her tab by splurging at Oxford Comics. While
and wailing in terror. A powder-blue shirt, green it is true that, when she looked in her wallet, no
and white vertically striped pants, purple socks, moths flew out, it was still quite and most defi-
Birkenstocks of a yellow in the ugliest shade to nitely empty. No, wait, there's one whole unspent
occur since the Big Bang, all topped by a brown penny in... no, it's Canadian, she thought. Soon
leather fedora that looked as if it had seen, enough, she stood before a locked door attached to
fought in, and been on the losing side of every a nondescript, squattish brick building on Tulley.
battle of every war since Homo intelligensus Feeling around the pockets of her vest, she felt
became a species. the cold weight of a key in her hand. The lock
She was taking the long way home that night, turned over on itself slowly. She looked up, as she
clearing her head. always did, at the faded, hand-painted sign that
As she headed east on Moore, the wind doubled hung above the door.
in strength, knocking the merest of slips of a "The Sandhook Inn" it read.
woman, a hair under five-foot-four and wafer thin, Home. In her 25 years of life, the oddities
back a pace. She looked up at a sign outside a of strangers had always been a comfort to her. The
storefront — “Things and Stuff” — and smiled slyly. need to decorate one's home with clowns, for
'Do you have things?' she imaged someone asking a instance. Of course, having bought the building
clerk. 'Sorry, not today. We've only got stuff.' lock, stock, barrel, furniture and plumbing prob-
Turning down Goodman, she found herself lems, the clowns left the building in a cardboard
standing outside the costume shop for far longer box labeled 'Volkswagen.' That was three years ago
than she should have, given their prices. The white tonight, she realized. She had no way of celebrat-
and red polka dot bowtie had been begging for a ing, save kicking off her sandals, lighting a cig-
new home, and she had been dreaming of adopting the arette via the gas fireplace, and making a cup of
poor creature, but tonight would not be the night. herbal tea.
Next door was Patterson's Music, the only place on "Make friends," they had all told her.
earth one could find both Norwegian Shouting Friends, she had often thought, served only to be
Chorus LPs and the very latest compact discs from there in fair weather, or to only be there in time

L28
Artificial Life
of their own need. Besides, that would mean let- By Christopher Di Niso
ting people in, and there was precisely enough room
for one person in her heart, thank you very much. It’s weird. There are so many better things I could be doing
She had to place herself before all else. with my life; I could be writing the most influential album ever on my
The job at the library wasn't all that guitar, or rioting for some noble cause. I could be outside with a
demanding. She dealt with machines, in IT. She did beautiful breeze riding up my back as I watch the waves roll back
her job too well in her first week, and they had- and forth from the South piers. For people like Joey Ramone or
n't upgraded since. Aside from the occasional odd Johnny Rotten I’m sure it was much simpler in their day. There
bug, the kind that would send her into full-fledged weren’t as many distractions back then. Advertising wasn’t the
OCD-mode until it was fixed, all she had to do was monster it is now, and television was limited to less than fifteen
sit in the server room, read, write, and run the channels. They never had to put up with what I have to now, the
usual system maintenance tasks. Backups. Patches. addictions. The compulsion to look. Every chance, every second I
A kernel upgrade once a year. She spent her time can, I’m there. I can’t help myself; it’s so easy, so accessible.
in the stacks. It’s hard to believe an aspiring anarchist could succumb so easily
Literally. She would work her way to what to the fad of having my very own little Internet page all about me.
they called the stacks and build a stack of her As if having television channel numbers that require four digits (and
own. Some of the regulars thought her a homeless video games so real they could be confused for real-life action from
bum who squatted in the library. Others, a wild a video) wasn’t enough. Nope, I had allowed myself to become a
eccentric. One or two thought her mad. Those who sucker to sites like ‘myspace’ and ‘facebook.’ At some point I must
called themselves her friends knew better. She have deluded myself just like everyone else into thinking that I was
was, it is true, a mix of both, but she was also interesting; that I was worth noticing. That I was worth that all-so-
something more, something capable of either gratifying pageview added to the counter on my page.
If you could even call it an epiphany, I couldn’t believe I’d fall-
destroying or saving the world. By driving it stark
en for this crap. 400 fake friends that I had to prompt into adding
raving mad.
me. I’m sure the only reason people even looked at my page was
That is, if she ever got her book published.
to see who the fucking asshole was that was hounding them with
There was a knock at the door. As she let out
messages. As if they cared, the self-proclaimed gods and goddess-
a small 'eep' of surprise, barely more than a
es of cyberspace. I used to take solace in the numbers, the falsified
mouse's squeak, she placed the cup on the largish
documentation of an army of buddies. It made me feel like I had
dining room table and padded over to the front
friends. Like I was a special, like I stood out in the world.
door, bare feet silent on the carpet.
What I’ve learnt is that one way or another, the truth always
In three years of living in what was once an
catches up with you. You can’t hide behind away messages and
inn, only two types of people came to knock at the
cute smiley icons forever. Some day you’re going to have to realize
door. One was the Yuppie, brought to the town by
that this whole second life, complete with geeky alias, is a sham.
the Chamber of Commerce's efforts to "gentrify"
Nobody cares what music I listen to or my comical chain survey
the neighborhood, at her door under the impression
posted in an online bulletin. I can’t believe I actually cared about
that what was, on the outside, advertised as an inn this crap.
was, in fact, on the inside, indeed an inn. The I can’t believe how I was envious of people with more popu-
other were mailmen. lar pages than me or spiteful of those who proudly proclaimed that
The woman knocking on the door was neither. not only did they have only real friends but that they still had twice
as many as me. I feel like a prostitute now, like I sold myself out to
a crummy friend website for a shitty page with fun facts about
myself and some random pictures that are meant dually to capture
To read more of Hindrances, visit my artistic side and prove that I’m a real person. And all for the
w w w . an d r ew p e r n i c k . c o m / h i n d r an c e s . chance to make believe I was loved.
What’s even sadder is, despite knowing all this, I’m still jeal-
H i n d r ances is updated bi-weekly on
ous that the faux webpage I set up for my dog is attracting more
Saturdays. friends and comments then I ever could.

L29
Ten or Dusk
There was a textbook lying on the side of the road somewhere could tell that even now his shots were improving, and the realization
between eighty-five and eighty-seven Havernell. It was a sociology textbook, encouraged him to keep shooting. It was only eleven-thirty in the morning;
old and worn and looking nothing like the one-hundred fifty dollars it cost he had the whole day to practice.
some poor undergraduate student three years ago.
Although no one on the block knew it, that sociology textbook had
been in that same spot for two years. In those two years (it was actually At a quarter past noon Matt skidded up the driveway on his bike.
something like two years, one month and twenty-three days, but there was He stood for a moment, amused at his brother’s attempt to play basketball.
never anybody counting) the textbook remained there and only there, sur- He walked over with a bright smile.
viving mud splashes from speeding tires, rain showers that washed the mud “Hey there, Johnny. Whatcha doin’?”
away, a dog that tried to eat the book sometime last summer and the John paused his free throw and shrugged. “Just practicing.”
renowned blizzard of 2002 that caused an elderly couple to freeze to death “Mind if I practice with you?”
when they were trapped in their house without electricity for a week. John grimaced. He did mind. Matt wasn’t exactly the most support-
But somehow, through all of this, the book was still there. Four peo- ive partner to have while playing basketball. “Actually, it’s getting kind of
ple on the block have died during the book’s stay on Havernell, two of those late. I was thinking about turning in.”
being the frozen couple. But still the book remains. Matt laughed. “Oh, come on bro. That’s why you still suck. How
Why and how the book is there doesn’t really matter, and its past long’ve you been out here? Ten minutes? Wait, wait- twenty, right? Going
and future are of not importance. for a record?”
What is important is that the book was there when Johnny Raines John sighed and shot the ball. He missed. “I’ve been out here for
grabbed his brother’s basketball from the garage and headed out into the about an hour, actually. And to tell you the truth I just don’t want to be
street to practice his free throws. out here with you. Nothing against the game, really.”
John had lived on West Havernell for four years (a highway divided Matt grabbed the ball from the road and threw it effortlessly. It sunk
East and West Havernell on either side). His family moved in from anoth- into the net. “That’s basketball, big brother. Let’s see you do that.”
er suburban town only thirty miles away, saying that over here by the beach John picked up the ball and tossed it. It bounced off the rim and
the property values were bound to skyrocket after the turn of the century. rolled off into the driveway. Matt ran to get it, snickering to himself along
And they were right. The house they bought for 110,000 quickly grew to the way. When he returned, John had his hands out.
260,000, with only 25,000 dollars in work and development. But to his par- “No way!” Matt laughed. “It’s my turn now. You’re the one who
ents it was only status; they never planned to move, so therefore the house’s sucks.” He threw the ball up into the air and once again it sank right
worth was an obsolete factor in their financial assets. But it did make them through. He grabbed his own rebound and stepped back to the imaginary
feel good. And maybe it’s important sometimes to have something that free-throw line.
makes you feel good, no matter how useless it is. “Why don’t you keep going?” John said. “I’ll stand here and watch
In his family it was John, his aforementioned parents, his brother while you make me look stupid.”
Matt and his younger sister Jen. His older sister, Jean Anne, was away at col- Matt tossed the ball up and sank it again. “That’s your problem, big
lege in Hartford. So it was just the four of them for now, plus the people brother. You’re always ready to stand on the sidelines. You think it’s really
from the neighborhood who were constantly in and out of the house. Matt, a big difference whether you’re tired or you just don’t like me talking
who was sixteen, had made a lot of friends from around the neighborhood. smack?” He picked the ball up and threw another perfect shot. “There’s no
Mostly they either played basketball or Nintendo. John, who was five years difference at all. Either way it’s because you’re weak, and you can’t handle
older, would sometimes join them even though he knew they were as differ- it.” He smiled. “Go ahead, tell me I suck. I’ll bet you I’ll play better.” He
ent as night and day. sank the ball again.
John bounced the ball in the street, realizing that even his dribbling John grabbed it and bounced it back to him. “I’m disciplined, little
hadn’t improved. It didn’t really matter; he was only out here for fun. He brother. You may not think so, but I am.”
lifted the ball right above face level, aimed, and watched as it grazed the rim “Bullshit.”
before falling to the pavement and bouncing away up the driveway. “I form my own methods of discipline. Sure, they might not be the
John sighed and ran after the ball. This was pretty much how his same as yours, but they still work.”
practicing went. “Yeah, and what methods are those?” He tossed the ball up, and for
He dribbled the ball back to the free-throw line he imagined and the first time he missed.
tried again. Another miss. On the fourth shot the ball swiveled down into John caught the ball before it landed and dribbled it over. “That.”
the net, making the triumphant swoosh sound. John smiled. It was about “What’s ‘that’? Catching my ball?”
time. John shook his head. “No. You losing your streak.”
He took the ball back and practiced for another twenty minutes. He “It happens, bro. No big deal.”

L30
Ten or Dusk
“Well how are you gonna get better with an attitude like that?” Billy walked over and grabbed the ball nervously. John patted his
Matt went to grab the ball, but John pulled it away. “Nuh-uh. shoulder. “Nothing to worry about, kid-o. Just aim and shoot.”
You’re the one who sucks, remember?” He dribbled the ball back to the free- John and Matt had been playing for over an hour before Lance,
throw and threw it up. It sank right through the net, bouncing off the long Billy, and Rob showed up. John didn’t think much of any of them, but that
pole before coming back to down the pavement. “There! That’s one.” was just his natural prejudice to his brother’s friends. Rob was quirky but
“Big deal, you got one. That doesn’t make you any good. It defi- with a witty sense of humor; John liked him the best. He was standing by
nitely not discipline.” the side of the road, rubbing at his chin hair.
John threw again and scored another perfect shot. “We’ll play a Billy was quiet, but also very annoying. His lack of enthusiasm and
game, then. We’ll call it Ten or Dusk. Sound interesting?” tendency to open his mouth only to complain about something had started
Matt frowned. “What kind of game is it?” to get on John’s nerves. He was alright, though.
“I don’t know. I just invented it. It’s sort of like a disciplinary thing. Lance was by far the worst. John imagined that if he were to take
You know how if you practice enough at something, eventually you’ll get his brother’s worst qualities, increase them exponentially, and from that
it?” alone create a new human being, Lance would be that person. He was rude,
Matt nodded. obnoxious, but above all he was overflowing with teenage testosterone. John
“Well, this will be like that but with rules. Let’s say our goal is towasn’t sure how much of him he could take before he lost his cool.
get ten perfect free throws in a row, with no misses and no backboard. As Well, he told himself, I guess ‘till the night comes.
of right now I can’t do it, but maybe you can. That doesn’t really matter. The simple premise of the game had proved to be more difficult than
The point of the game is to keep going until we do.” any of them had thought. Matt had been confident he’d score ten within
“So we keep taking shots until we miss, with the goal being ten in a the first few minutes, or that at the very least his brother would throw in the
row?” towel. Neither had happened, and neither looked like they would happen
“Exactly but her e’s the catch: it goes on as long as it has to. Ten or
soon.
Dusk. Ten shots in a row, or nightfall. Whichever comes first, we turn in. Billy shot the ball and got a perfect swoosh. “Yeah!” he yelled. “I got
You game?” the first one!” Billy had not sunk a single basket in the hour he’d been there.
Matt smiled a little. “You mean we either make our shots or we’re Matt passed the ball back to him and he shot again, this time excit-
out here until dark? This should be fun. I get laughing rights when you quit ed and overconfident from his previous success. The ball hit against the side
in a half hour.” of the backboard and bounced down the road.
“So does that mean you’re in?” Lance ran after it. “God you suck, Billy. This is the last time I’m
“You’re damn right it does. You’ve got two so far; let’s take it from getting the ball for you.”
there.” “Who’s up next?” Matt asked.
John held his hands out as lanced tossed him the ball. “I am.”
He stepped back behind the free throw line and aimed the ball care-
“Hey Billy, move that book out of the way!” fully. Even he hadn’t expected the game to go on as long as it had. The dis-
Billy waved at his friend Lance and then kicked the old sociology ciplinary angle was really starting to lose its appeal.
textbook onto the lawn behind him. When he looked up Lance was there, He shot and missed. In a way he was glad; it was certainly better
jumping in the air and catching the basketball. than shooting five or baskets before going out.
“You’re too slow!” Lance yelled as he hit the ground and started run- The only one who’d come close was Lance, who after only twenty
ning for the basket. minutes took his turn and shot five baskets in a row. He hadn’t been too
“Hey, that’s no fair! It’s my turn!” upset about it, but John knew if he’d been trying since noon he’d be pretty
Lance laughed. “Finders keepers-” bitter.
Suddenly a hand snatched the ball out of his hands. Lance turned, Rob took the ball and walked over to the free throw line, which had
annoyed and embarrassed. John held the ball in his hand, his face stern but now been etched in white chalk. “Okay guys, if I don’t make this I’m going
patient. “Losers weepers.” he finished. home.”
“I was just having some fun.” “Bullshit!” Matt yelled. “It’s Ten or Dusk, baby. No way out of it
“We’re trying to play our game here. If you want to have your fun, unless you do it.”
go play somewhere else. John nodded. “There’s no escape clause, man. You either do it or
“Fine, whatever.” Lance shrugged and walked over to Matt. you don’t.”
John tossed the ball to Billy. “Billy boy, you’re up!” Rob aimed. “You guys whatever.” He shot the ball and scored.
“There’s one. You happy?”
John smiled and tossed the ball back. “Not until you get nine

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Ten or Dusk
more.” street. John shrugged his shoulders and called for the next person up.
Rob took another shot, but it bounced off the rim and fell to the Rob stepped up to free throw line, catching the ball as John passed
pavement, jumping away towards the neighbor’s lawn. “Fuck. Really guys, it. He threw it in the air and it fell about three feet below the backboard.
I’m out.” “That sucks.” he said, and walked back over to his friends.
John took his arm. “Dude, you can’t leave. You’ll ruin the game.” Matt grabbed the ball and threw it at his feet. “If you’re not going
“How’s that? You’ve got plenty of people. Too many, if you ask to make an effort, at least pretend to. You’re being a jackass.”
me.” Rob picked the ball up and held it tightly between his hands. Then
“That’s not the point, Rob. The game’s about not leaving until you he relaxed and threw it back. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t think it would go on
do it. If you weren’t up for it then you shouldn’t have agreed to play.” this long.”
Rob sighed. “This is horseshit, man. Fine, I’ll stick around for your “Neither did I, man, but if you want to get out sooner just shoot ten
stupid game. But as soon as it’s over I’m leaving.” hoops. Here, take it back.” He tossed the ball back, and Rob reluctantly
“Suit yourself.” John looked back to the group. “Who’s next?” stepped behind the throw line again.
“Just aim and shoot, man.”
Rob positioned the ball next to his right eye, carefully planning its
It was three-thirty in the afternoon. Everyone was exhausted, but no path to the hoop. He moved his arm back and took the shot.
one so far had called it quits. Two more people had joined the game: Alex, The ball went straight toward the hoop, but right before it could
the soccer player from down the road; and Joanna, the girl who lived across reach the rim it spun around and veered off to the right.
the street and one house over from John and Matt. Matt shook his head. “Man, I gave you another shot. I didn’t even
Joanna dribbled the ball in front of her. She was wearing a white t- have to do that. What the hell did you do that for?”
shirt with the Inventel Wireless logo, tucked into dark red basketball shorts. Rob’s face went red with anger. “That was no fucking fair, man.
When she’d heard they were having a game outside, she’d decided to get That was the best shot I’ve ever done! Didn’t you see that? Some breeze
dressed for the occasion. took it away at the last minute.”
She took a step back and shot the ball in the air. It tackled the net Matt grabbed the ball and stepped to the throw line, preparing for
from inside and made the ever-so-gratifying swoosh sound. She yanked her his own shot. “And I suppose the other ones were gusts of wind, too?”
arm triumphantly and readied herself for the next shot. “No, man. That one. You mean you didn’t see that?”
“That’s three, sweet stuff!” Lance called from the sideline. “Let’s see “I saw you miss the hoop completely.”
you get seven more; maybe then you can play with the big leagues.” “But you didn’t see the wind?”
She shot the ball and scored again. Matt passed her the ball and she John walked over and grabbed the ball from Matt. “I saw it.” He
smiled devilishly. “Put your dick away, little boy. As far as I can tell I’m turned to Matt. “And by the way, it’s not your turn.” He passed the ball to
kicking your ass.” She shot again and scored. Billy.
Lance laughed. “Baby, if my dick was out you’d begging me not to
put it away.”
“Well of course, if I was still adjusting the microscope to try to see Lance punched Rob’s leg jokingly. “Don’t be such a baby, man. So
where it was.” you missed the shot, big deal. It happens.”
“You think just because you’re on the volleyball team you can shoot “Don’t even talk to me about that, man. I made that shot.”
better than us?” Lance laughed. “Dude, I’ve seen shots that have made it. That was
“Not think” She shot another basket and scored. “know.” not one of them.”
John passed her the ball and smiled. “If you get nine you at least “I mean I made it like it was perfect right up until the end. I don’t
beat him.” know what the hell happened.”
“Oh, I’m not worried about that,” she said. “But thanks anyway.” Lance stood up. “Don’t sweat it, man. You’ll get another chance.”
She smiled and sunk another basket. He looked over to John, who was holding the ball patiently. “Looks like it’s
Matt ran after the ball and passed it back to her. She aimed it care- my turn.”
fully and relaxed her shoulders. “Now, if I can just go for number eight-” Lance caught the ball and dribbled it to the throw line. He loosened
She shot the ball, and it landed on the left side of the rim. She clenched her his body and threw a perfect shot. He clapped his hands. “He shoots and
fists tightly, wishing it to tilt the right just slightly enough. The ball spun he scores. That’s two points for the home team.”
and tilted to the left, hitting the pavement and bouncing away sadly. John threw the ball back. “But only one point for you.”
Joanna closed her eyes and sighed. Matt patted her back, a slight “Yeah, whatever.” He shot the ball up and scored. “Now it’s two.
grin on his face. “Better luck next time, homegirl.” You happy?”
She shook her head and sat down at the edge of the lawn across the “Oh yes,” John said. “I’m burning with happiness. Can’t you just

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Ten or Dusk
shoot the ball and not say anything?” Joanna jumped up, barely grazing the edge of the ball. Lance threw
“Whatever you want, boss.” He sunk his third basket. “Ready for it down and started to dribble. “Come on, volley girl! Take it!”
the first ten today?” John stepped over and tried to knock it out of his hands, missing
John passed him the ball and he shot it, just missing the rim and completely. “Stop this, you guys. Let’s just play the game.”
instead bouncing off the backboard onto the road. Lance shrugged. “If princess over here and can stop me in a lay-up,
“I sure am.” John said. “But it doesn’t look like it’s gonna be you.” I’ll give the ball to whoever wants it.”
John tried to grab it again. “You’re an idiot, Lance. Just give it
over.”
Billy sat on the side of the road and watched Alex take his shots. He Lance broke out into a run, dribbling the ball between his legs as he
was pretty good, but he wasn’t going to be the first one to make all ten. raced up to the net. Joanna followed behind him, muttering a series of swear
Yawning, he stretched out his arms and lay his back down on the words under her breath. Lance jumped up towards the net and tossed the
grass. He turned his head and noticed the dirty text book he’d kicked away ball at the backboard.
before. He sat up a bit and reached over to pick it up- As he was landing his feet fell out from under him, moving him into
“Hey, Billy! Are you gonna sit there all day or are you gonna get the a laying position. He landed hard on his back, crying out in pain. The ball
ball for us?” flew back from the hoop without ever touching.
Billy looked up and saw Jeff, the kid from his school who’d joined Everyone raced over at once to check on Lance. As they gathered
in twenty minutes ago. Jeff was pretty smart for his age, but most of his around him he sat up slowly, massaging his own back with his fist.
time was spent in front of the computer or on video games. He was fun and “Are you alright?” John asked.
charismatic; pretty much everyone liked him. His girlfriend, Nikki, was sit- “Yeah, I think I’m okay. I’m sorry about that, guys. Sometimes I
ting on the sidelines across the street, trying to take an interest. Both she just get carried away, you know?”
and her boyfriend were wearing black t-shirts with rock band logos on them. John nodded. “It’s okay, man. Just tell me if you’re hurt anywhere.”
Billy had noticed that she’d gone a little heavy on the black eyeliner, but that “My back hurts a little” He reached down and grabbed his right
seemed to be typical for her. leg. “And oh fuck! My leg really fucking hurts.”
He went after the ball and tossed it back to Jeff. John and Jeff helped him to his feet. “See if you can walk on it.”
Jeff caught it and called out again. “Come over here and join us! John said.
Don’t be so shy, man.” Lance hobbled a few feet and then turned back. “Yeah, I can walk
Billy walked back over to the main group, turning back once to look on it. It just hurts like a bitch.”
at the text book. A cold chill passed over him, and he shuddered. It was “I guess that’s it, then. Game over.”
getting colder. Lance hobbled back quickly and grabbed the ball from Jeff, who’d
been holding it since it fell. “No fucking way. I’ll be fine, man. There’s no
way I’m going home knowing I couldn’t hit ten shots. That’s just pathetic.”
It was five-thirty and the sun was still shining over the houses on “Are you sure?” John asked.
West Havernell. John was standing at the free throw line, aiming his next Lance nodded.
shot. He was up to six. “Then stay off it until your next turn. And for God’s sake don’t do
The shot flew off the backboard and bounced away to Joanna’s lawn. that again.”
Lance groaned and ran after it.
“Who’s next?” Matt asked. “I can’t remember.”
Lance came back with the ball. “I think I am.” The sun had fallen further behind the houses, but it was still light
Joanna got up and shook her head. “You’re not next, Lance. Nice for six-thirty. Joanna missed her sixth shot and sat down on the grass across
try, though.” the street.
“I’m next, Sporty Spice. Why don’t you stay out of it?” Jeff grabbed the ball and walked up to John. “So what’s this ‘dusk’
She went to grab the ball from him, but he yanked it away from her. part of the game? You think that’s gonna come soon?”
“You go after Matt. He goes now, so your turns up next.” “It’s been getting darker. It’s shouldn’t be much longer.”
“How the hell would you know? You think just because you’re a sen- Jeff laughed and stepped back to take his shot. “I can’t believe you
ior you’ve got a better memory than me?” guys have been out here all day.” He shot the ball and missed. “But I guess
“No, I think I have a better memory than you because I’m not a I know why.”
complete fucking moron. Now give me the ball.”
Lance smiled and held the ball above his head. “Let’s see you grab Ten or Dusk is continued on page 36
it.”

L33
By Rob Gilheany

L34
By Scott Silsbe

L35
Ten or Dusk Continued from page 33

Rob picked the ball up and readied himself behind the line. He’d his eyes and looked around. The wolves had surrounded them completely,
been doing fairly well since the incident earlier, and was hoping he’d at least growling and barking, their jaws dripping with saliva that made steam in the
come close to winning this time. cold air.
He threw the ball up, and for a moment was ready to give himself a One of the wolves lunged at Matt, and Jeff pulled him back to the
round of applause. But as the ball rolled on the rim it began to tilt to the others. The wolf landed three feet in front of them, growled, and returned
right, eventually falling to the pavement. to the pack. After a moment of staring, the wolves retreated back into the
“Fuck this.” he said. “It’s late enough. I’m leaving.” woods.
John ran over and grabbed him as he walked away. “Wait, Rob! John felt a tingling in his throat and realized he was about to throw
Wait a minute! At least wait for your next turn. It might even be dark by up. Nikki caught him from behind and tilted him forward as he vomited,
then. Just wait another few minutes, man. You can do that, can’t you?” feeling the warm sting inside his cheeks. He wiped the tear from his eye and
Rob shook his head. “I’m sorry man, but I’m out.” He pushed looked around. No one was moving; some were staring at the lawn, others
John’s hand away and walked to the house next door, grabbing his jacket were doing everything they could to look away. John felt his legs give out,
from the lawn. and he sat down on the pavement before he could fall.
Billy stood up from the sidelines. “If it’s early enough for him to
leave, then it’s early enough for me.”
Matt ran to the throw line with the ball. “You guys are pussies. “You do have a phone in your house, don’t you?”
What’s another hour gonna do for you? He yelled over to Rob. “Come on, John looked up from the road, his eyes still blurry. “Y yes. Yes, I
man! Just another hour! It’s not so bad!” do.”
Rob turned and shook his head as he fixed the sleeves of his jacket. Jeff helped him up to his feet. “We’ve got to go use it, man. I’ll go
“No thanks, guys! I’ve got a life, you know!” with you.”
Matt stared in horror. “Rob! Rob, wait!” John nodded and walked wearily toward his house. Jeff held his arm
“I’m leaving now! Later!” out behind him, ready to catch.
“No! Rob, don’t fucking move!” “I’m alright.” John said. “Let’s just get to the phone.”
John turned around slowly, his heart racing. Something was going They walked up the lawn together, looking both ways to make sure
on, and it was beginning to frighten him. He glanced over at Rob, squint- the animals were really gone. They moved as quick as they could, and when
ing his eyes in the fading sunlight. “What the hell’s going-” they reached the steps they let out a sigh of relief.
He froze. “The phone’s right there in the kitchen.” John said. “If I can’t make
For a moment no words came out. Then he found himself scream- it up the steps, you go ahead and make the call.”
ing. Jeff nodded, and they both started up to the door. On the second
“Rob! Stay still! They’re right behind you!” step John fell back a bit, but he quickly regained his balance. After the fifth
Rub spun around quickly, and in a startled jump began to scream. step they were at the plexi-glass storm door. The main door was still open
The wolves pounced at once, jumping onto his body and taking him from when John had left the house earlier that morning. It seemed like a
down within a second. He hit the ground hard, his heart beating fast in his lifetime ago.
chest. He screamed louder as he felt the sharp pain of ragged teeth digging They walked in the house, and John leaned back against the wall in
into his left arm. He wailed his other arm around in panic, trying desper- the dining room. “Go ahead and get the phone.” he said, breathing hard and
ately to fight the other animals off. relaxing his hands. “I’ll be okay.”
John didn’t even realize he was running until he was halfway there. Jeff walked into the kitchen and grabbed the portable from its base.
Matt was two paces ahead of him, running even faster. He started to feel He clicked the button to talk, but stopped before he could dial the first num-
dizzy, and stopped for a second as his mind raced in circles. Jeff passed by ber.
him followed by Alex and Joanna. After a brief moment of vertigo John There was an odor in the house; something strong and vile. It made
caught his breath and ran forward. Jeff feel sick to his stomach. He looked around, trying to find the source,
Matt lunged at the wolf closest to Rob’s face and tried to pull the but it was a waste of time. Whatever it was, it wasn’t in the kitchen.
animal off with his hands. The wolf spun its head around in a quick reflex, He looked back down to dial the number when suddenly he heard
biting Matt’s hand and then setting it free. the sound.
More wolves had gathered around, and they were forming a half-cir- “Oh, shit.” he whispered, lowering the phone into the back pocket
cle around the newcomers. Matt continued to struggle with the wolves, his of his jeans. “Oh shit oh shit.”
hand dripping blood. Suddenly he felt his arms being pulled back and near- John walked wearily into the kitchen, holding his chest and breath-
ly fell backwards as Jeff pulled him away. ing heavily. “What’s going on? Where’s the phone?”
“They’re gonna fucking kill him! Help me, godda-” Matt blinked He controlled his breathing for a second, holding it in. There was

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Ten or Dusk
something in the house. Something breathing. Something that wasn’t him. or dark and magical about it. We’ve all just been through a trauma, and we
He looked down the hallway, and all he saw was a pair of red eyes have to think about what we’re gonna do about it.”
staring back at him. “I know what I’m gonna do about it, but I can’t right now.”
“They’re here, Jeff. They’re in the fucking house. Get the hell out “Why not?”
of here.” “Because it’s not my turn. It’s Alex’s.”
“Shut up and stay still!” Jeff whispered back. “You’re closest to the John stood up and put his hand on Billy’s shoulder. “Billy, I know
door. When I say go, you step backwards and go out the same way we came you’re feeling scared right now, just like the rest of us. But you’ve got to
in. I’ll follow right behind you.” relax. We’re gonna find a way out of this.”
John looked up at the high-rise ceiling and then at the wall to his Alex took the ball and held it in his hands, spinning it in front of
right, where a large hole had been cut to serve as the living room window him as if marveling over the texture. “He’s right, man. There’s no other
five feet above. There were three sets of eyes staring down between the way to explain it. That’s why Lance fell and hurt himself. He tried to shoot
boards, and John could tell the growling was getting louder. a brick, and it wasn’t even his turn.”
The basement door opened, and two wolves crept up into the hall- John shook his head. “This is crazy. You guys have no idea what
ways, staring directly at Jeff. They barked viciously, and the other wolves the hell you’re talking about.”
howled in response. Soon there was entire choir of howling, and John once Joanna “You guys can feel it, can’t you? It’s strange. It’s like a cold-
again felt his legs weaken. Just keep it together, man. Just keep it together- ness but all over.”
“Go now!” “I kind of feel it.” Nikki said. “It’s not that weird, though.”
John ran backwards so fast he crashed into the storm down, banging Matt sat down next to his brother, his body shaking. “Johnny I can
the small of his back against the handle. He reached his arm around and feel it too. I don’t know why, but we’ve got to keep playing.”
pushed it down. The door flew open and he fell backwards onto the steps. “What else has happened?” John yelled. “So there’s wolves in the
He lifted himself up just in time to see Jeff running out the side door
woods, and they killed our friend. I’m not really A-Okay here, but it has
and leaping over the wooden rail of the patio. He landed feet-first on the nothing to do with a basketball game. That’s just fucking ridiculous, you
grass, stumbled and ran over to John. They both turned around, expecting guys. Lance hurt his leg because he was acting like an idiot, not because he
to see the attack coming, but there was none. They moved hurriedly back was shooting out of turn.”
to the street. Lance interrupted. “It happened before that, when Rob took that
extra shot. He said it was like a gust of wind just carried the ball away.
When I fell I felt something just like that. It was as if a hand came up
“What the hell was that?” John asked. under me and knocked my feet away.”
“It was them again, man. They were in the fucking house.” Jeff His conversation with Matt and Rob that afternoon rose up in his
nursed his ankle, which he’d bruised on the fall over the patio. mind and caused a chill to run over his body.
“Why’d you throw the phone? Someone would be here by now if
you hadn’t done that.” “It’s Ten or Dusk, baby. No way out of it unless you do it.”
“I didn’t throw the phone! I was putting it into my pocket, but it
wouldn’t fit. When I started to run it slid out of my hand. It was an acci- He closed his eyes. There was no way this was happening.
dent, man.”
Lance hobbled over and sat against the basketball pole. “Why are “There’s no escape clause, man. You either do it or you don’t.”
they doing this? What the hell is going on?”
Billy stepped over, his face pale white and frightened. “This is crazy, you guys. You’re really gonna do this? Even if you’re
“Billy, are you okay dude?” right, which you’re not, you can just wait for dusk. You don’t have to play
“It wants us to play.” for it to be over.”
John looked up and squinted his eyes in the retreating sun. “What Jeff looked up at the sky and then back to John. “It’s almost eight
are you talking about, Billy?” o’clock, man. I don’t think dusk is coming.”
“I’m talking about the game. It wants us to play. We all swore an
oath: to play it until dusk, or until we won. We can’t stop. It won’t let us.”
“Billy, you need to sit down-” Joanna yelled as the ball fell off the rim. It was unintelligible, but it
“No. It’s just the opposite. We all need to keep playing, until dusk sounded like some variation on the word fuck. Matt passed the ball to Jeff,
comes. We swore it.” who looked it over the same way Alex had. He could feel it too. It was
“We didn’t swear anything, Billy. It’s just a game. I invented it. I scary, but it was definitely there. There was no choice but to play.
thought it up just a few hours before you got here. There’s nothing special He threw the ball up and hit the left side of the backboard. The ball

L37
Ten or Dusk
bounced off into the road and Matt caught it before it went too far. Everyone froze. Suddenly it was as if everything else had stopped,
“Alright, big brother. You’re up.” and there was only Alex, standing in the road with the ball in his hands. Jeff
John was standing away from the others, his arms crossed. “I told turned to Nikki, talking slowly, his thoughts still racing around his head.
you already, I’m not shooting.” “Nikki wasn’t playing.”
“You have to. There’s no other option.” Nikki looked around at everyone, and realized she was suddenly the
“I don’t have to do anything. You guys want to stay out here play- center of attention. “I was just watching. I never really liked basketball. I
ing basketball while your friend lays dead on Mrs. Lankle’s lawn? Have fun. thought it was stupid.”
I’m not going to play a part in that.” Matt ran over, his hands on either side of his head. “Holy shit, man.
Matt walked over to him and shoved the basketball against his chest. Holy shit, you’re right. You were just sitting there, watching the game the
“You play, big brother, or I’ll throw you there right next to him. You better whole time. I didn’t even think about it.”
fucking believe me. You have two choices here: play, or die of malnutrition John stood next to his brother, his eyes filling with dread. “If what
or worse when you starve out here in the middle of the street. Make the you guys are saying is true, then there’s only one thing we can do.”
choice, big brother.” Lance got up and shook his head. “No way, man. No way. That’s
John grabbed the ball and stepped to the throw line. “You talk to fucking nuts. You want to send her out there? Alone? Have you lost your
me like that again, I’ll throw this ball at your fucking ear.” He shot the ball fucking mind?”
up and missed completely. “Satisfied?” “No one’s lost their mind, Lance. It just makes a lot of sense.”
Matt watched as the ball bounced off the road and into the neigh- “Tell that to Rob! Let’s go over there right now and have a little sit-
bor’s yard. He looked around at everyone, then took a deep breath. down about what makes sense. Leaving certainly makes sense, but if he
He stepped onto the grass quietly, not wanting to make a single could talk I’m sure he’d tell you otherwise.”
sound. He closed his eyes and concentrated, slowing his breathing so as to Nikki stood up. “You guys can stop arguing. I’ll go. I just don’t
make less noise. want to go alone.”
He got halfway up the lawn and stopped.
The body was torn at the arms and legs. There was a long slash
across the chest and the face was almost beyond recognition. He stopped John was crouched in front of Nikki, going over the plan. The night
himself, not wanting to look but tempted by some abject fascination. It was getting colder, but there was still an edge of sunlight. It was almost ten
couldn’t have been what he thought- o’clock. The sun, although, dimming, wasn’t going anywhere.
He looked back up again; he’d been right. The neck was torn
halfway through, leaving the head at an awkward and sickly looking angle. “It’s Ten or Dusk, baby. No way out of it unless you do it.”
Matt covered his mouth and continued walking.
The ball was on the other side of the body. All he had to do was He handed Nikki a handful of money. “This was the best we could
reach over and grab it, then run back. No big deal. come up with. Take it, and once you get into town you get yourself some
He’d started to wonder why the wolves hadn’t come, but just as soon water and something to eat. Use the rest of the money to get water for us.
as he’d thought about it the answer came to him: the wolves wouldn’t come We’re gonna need it.”
after him now; he was going after the ball. Nikki nodded.
That also explained why they hadn’t torn John and Jeff into pieces “The first thing you do is use Joanna’s phone. If it doesn’t work,
inside the house: John and Jeff weren’t leaving; they were trying to call for you go down the block and try the neighbors’ houses. Someone’s got to be
help. Rob was the only one so far who’d tried to leave, and now Matt need- home somewhere, even if we can’t see them from where we are. If that all
ed to reach over his body to retrieve the ball. fails, though, then you make your way into town. You got it?”
Matt came back, carrying the ball behind the throw line. “I’m not Nikki nodded again.
exactly satisfied, Johnny. It’s my turn.” “If all that fails, and for some reason you can’t help us, then you go.
You go on, and you don’t look back. It that clear?”
“Yes. It’s clear.”
Billy took his shot and missed. He bowed his head and took a deep She stood up, her hands shaking. Joanna took her hands and
breath. “If I’m the last one left out here, will you guys stay with me until I warmed them. “It’s okay. You’re gonna be fine, darling. I’ll be right there
make it?” with you.”
John nodded from the sideline, which had been moved to the mid- Joanna let go so Jeff could come through. “Are you ready, sweet-
dle of the road. The others nodded as well. heart?” Nikki grabbed his hands and smiled weakly. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”
Alex picked the ball up, but paused before he got to the throw line. Lance walked over and motioned for them to leave.
“Nikki, when do you go?” John stood up. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

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Ten or Dusk
“To Miami Beach, Johnny. Where else?”
“What about your leg, jerk?”
Lance shrugged. “I’ll be okay. I figure since I couldn’t talk you Alex tossed the ball to Matt. “That’s seven so far, man. Three more
loonies out of this I might as well do what I can to help.” and you’re done.”
John sighed. “Just be careful. All of you.” Matt caught the ball and aimed it for the net. He poised his body
to shoot, but stopped before he could let the ball go. He looked around at
the street, the houses, the mailboxes, the garbage cans, and he laughed.
None of the lights in Joanna’s house were working. The phone was John took a step toward him. “Are you okay, Matt?”
dead, and there was nobody home. Matt laughed louder. “Big brother, I am okay.” He let the ball drop
Nikki looked dropped the phone in its cradle and turned to the oth- to the ground and continued to laugh. “I don’t want to play anymore. I’m
ers. “I have to keep going. I’m the only one who can get help.” done. Good luck to you guys, I really mean it.”
The others nodded, but Jeff alone turned away. John grabbed his shoulders. “You can’t just leave. You’ve almost
“I’ll be back, darling.” Nikki consoled him. “I’m not going far. won!”
He lifted his head and nodded again. “Be careful.” Matt looked deep in his brother’s eyes and laughed. “There is no
Nikki smiled. “You know I will.” winning, Johnny. You can only lose.”
She walked down the hallway, passing the kitchen and stopping in He turned around and walked toward the house behind them. As
the living room, watching her own reflection in the sliding back door. She much as he tried, John couldn’t bring himself to move. When the wolves
opened the door and stepped out onto the wooden patio. came, all he could do was close his eyes.
Feeling the cool air fill her lungs, she closed her eyes and took a step
forward. She reached the first step and looked up to the sky.
The moon shone over her like a giant star, piercing the night with a Jeff sat on the sideline laughing as John missed his third shot. “Let’s
narrow and benevolent glow. see you try to play now that your brother’s dead!”
The sun was gone. The night had finally come. John didn’t realize what was going on until he was on top of Jeff,
She turned around and held her arms out by her side, smiling bright- beating the hell out of his face. Jeff laughed even harder, spitting his blood
ly in the moon’s projection. “It’s here!” she cried. “It’s come at last!” up in the air.
When she looked past her own reflection in the door all she saw was John clawed at his neck with his fingernails, drawing blood on the
faces filled with horror. sides. To his surprise, Jeff began to howl in hysterics.
“What is it? Come out here! It’s over!” Jeff smeared his knuckles in his own blood and connected hard with
The wolves came from either side, springing on her like catapults. John’s cheek. He fell over, and Jeff stood up to kick his ribs.
The last thing she saw was her reflection, falling to the ground on its own His face and clothes covered in blood, Jeff turned to the others and
will. smiled. “Let’s play some ball!”

Joanna shot the ball again, but instead of sinking the basket for a Lance hobbled down the street, looking over his shoulders. He
sixth time she hit the backboard and watched as the ball fell to the ground. turned back to the group. “I don’t see him! He’s gone!”
The sun still shone over the horizon, and the moon had yet to appear. John grunted. “It’s his fucking turn. Where the hell did he go to?”
John picked the ball up and tossed it to Jeff, who let it hit bounce Alex shrugged. “Maybe he’s hiding, or something. Maybe he got
off his knee and roll further down the street. scared.”
“Jeff, you’ve gotta snap out of it, man!” Jeff laughed. John and Alex turned to see him sitting on the plastic
Jeff shook his head slowly. John walked over and grabbed him by base of the basketball net, his back against the pole. “He’s hiding. I would
the shirt. “You have to wake up and do this. At the very least do it for her!” be too, you know. It’s just so much more fun to be a part of it. Maybe he
Jeff raised his fist and hit him square in the mouth. John fell over, didn’t see that. I don’t blame him, I suppose. How could he see the fun?
catching blood in his palms. I’m the only one so far.”
“You fucking bastard.” he spat. “I hope you fucking die too.” John clenched his fists. “Ignoring the crazy asshole by sitting against
Jeff walked over to the ball, moved to the foul line, and hurled the the net, I will ask again if anyone knows where he went.”
ball at the backboard. It made a deafening crash. “I’m not playing your Jeff threw a rock in the road. “Why don’t you stop telling us you’re
fucking game anymore.” going to ask and just fucking do it?”
John scrambled over to the ball and lifted himself up. “Well,” he “Alright then, where the hell is he?”
said. “I guess that means it’s my turn.” For a moment there was silence. Then Joanna called out. “He’s over

L39
Ten or Dusk
here!” Alex turned and cocked his head, surprised by John’s outburst. “I’m
John and Alex ran over near the woods, where she was crouched. going home, man. It’s late.”
Lance limped quickly behind. “But you made a promise to stay out here until we were done! You
Billy was laying between two bushes, his eyes glassy and cold. Blood can’t go now.”
dripped and rolled down his forearms. Alex smiled nonchalantly. “You guys can keep playing if you want.
Joanna cupped her mouth, then took a deep breath. “Did they do I didn’t know you still needed me.”
this?” “What about your promise? Are you that much of a coward?”
John crouched down and picked up a green shard of glass. The first Alex laughed. “Dude, you guys are taking this game way too serious-
two letters of a beer brand could still be seen despite the blood that had ly. Go home and get some rest.”
already begun to dry over the label. He turned around and walked away, softly whistling a pleasant
“No.” he said. “They didn’t.” melody as he left the makeshift court.

Alex shot the ball for the ninth time, certain this would finally be Jeff looked closely at the other three players and scratched his head.
the miss. “I’m sorry for going crazy before, guys. I guess things got kind of outta
The ball fell into hoop and spun out through the bot- hand.”
tom, making the beautiful and comforting swoosh John looked at the lawn behind him and
sound. quickly turned back. “Yeah. Yeah they did.”
John tossed the ball back, his “I’m sorry about your brother. He
palms covered in sweat. “This is it, was a good person. I used to see him in
man. You make this one and you’re school sometimes, you know? He
done. I know you can do it.” always seemed so happy, like he
Alex readied the ball, always had a smile on his face-”
aiming it carefully. His hands Someone started screaming.
began to shake and he dropped John and Jeff looked around,
the ball to the gro u n d . both scared and excited by the
Cursing himself, he picked it presence of a new voice.
up again and aimed. Jeff stopped moving and lis-
The shaking ran up tened closely, trying to figure out
from his hands through his arms where it was coming from.
and out to his shoulders. He felt “Stop it! Stop right now!” It wasn’t
his whole body start to convulse, and just someone screaming. It was Nikki.
as he collapsed to his knees he tossed the She ran towards them from Joanna’s
ball blindly over his head. backyard, screaming with her hands out in
John had already begun to cry as he saw front of her.
the shot fly wildly across the road. He buried his head in Jeff caught her and gripped her arms tightly. “Nikki,
his hands, and was stirred back up by the beautiful and comforting swoosh what the hell happened? I thought you were dead! I mean, I saw those
sound. things come after you. I saw what happened.”
John watched the ball bounce lifelessly to the street, and looked over Suddenly she reached one hand up and gripped his jaw. “You didn’t
at Alex, who was still shaking. see anything, you fucking moron.” She let go and turned to the rest of them.
Alex stood up slowly, looking around at the road and the houses and “You guys haven’t seen anything this entire night.”
the mailboxes and garbage cans. The shaking stopped. His shoulders fell John shook his head and walked up to her calmly. “Nikki, whatev-
back and his fingers loosened their grip around his thumbs. er happened to you is over now. You’re safe.”
As his eyes finished their tour around the road, he looked at John She grabbed his shirt and pinned him up against the basketball pole.
and shrugged his shoulders. “Save me the patronizing bullshit, John. I’m not the one who’s crazy here.”
“Well, I’m kinda tired. I think I’m gonna turn in.” Lance limped up behind her. “Nikki, what happened?”
John’s eyes went wide. He tried to run over after him, but the shock She turned around and screamed. “Nothing happened! Nothing
of it all kept his body frozen. Alex began to walk casually down the street. happened at all! The fucking moon is out, you guys! It’s dark. It’s been
“Where are you going?” John screamed. dark for hours.”

L40
Ten or Dusk
“There’s still light, Nikki.” John said, fixing his shirt and standing John stared at them, his thoughts drifting back to his brother.
up straight. “There’s still plenty of light.”
“Of course there is. How else would you keep playing?” “It’s Ten or Dusk, baby. No way out of it unless you do it.”
“Exactly-”
“No! How else would it get you to keep playing, if it let you see the Jeff met his gaze. “It’s now or never, John. You have to let go.” He
sun go down?” pointed past the lawn. “The way out is over there.”
Jeff put a hand on her shoulder, his face pale with fear. “What is it?”
“It. It wants you to play, like prisoners in the Holocaust. It wants John closed his eyes, and for a moment he saw the darkness.
to see how far you’ll go before you lose your minds. It’s testing you all!”
John shook his head again and grabbed the basketball. “We’ve got a “There’s no escape clause, man. You either do it or you don’t.”
game to play. I’m glad you’re alive, but I suggest you get off this court so
we can continue our game.” He turned to Joanna, who was standing still with the ball in her
She slapped his face. “It’s going to make you play until you die.” hands. “Hurry up, Jo. It’s my turn next.”
She stole the basketball and held it to his face. “Rocks.” she said. “All
you’re doing is moving rocks.” She threw the ball into Mrs. Lankle’s lawn.
“There’s nothing here. Go home.” Jeff and Nikki watched from Joanna’s side lawn as John and the oth-
John stared at her for a long moment, then walked up the lawn to ers did their best to ignore the sounds of the wolves howling and tearing
get the ball. flesh from screaming bodies.
Nikki grabbed Jeff’s hand and it rubbed it softly. “Are you ready to Matt sat down next to them and crossed his body to stay warm. It
go, honey?” would be over soon, he knew. Maybe his brother would turn out better than
Jeff nodded slowly. They began to walk together, but Jeff stopped Billy did. That was all he could hope for.
and turned around. “John,” he said. “why don’t you come with us?” Jeff watched from the distance as John glanced at the neighbor’s
John passed the ball to Joanna who took it behind the foul line. She lawn and quickly turned away in disgust.
gave them a grave look, then turned back to the basket and aimed her shot. “What do you think they see?” Jeff asked.
“Guys,” Jeff pleaded. “let’s go home. Haven’t you been listening? Nikki shook her head. “Whatever’ll keep them playing.”
On the next block the moon is in the sky. That’s where I’m going.”

L41
L42
By David Ginn

L43
Hank
H
ank works with me. He’s about forty-something. One time a “Ahhh hehehe, I’d save money on getting you drunk.”
gorilla came in the store and told him he should think about He’s great with customers, friendly but not absent-minded.
shaving his back. T h ey laugh at his goofiness and sometimes he hams it up. I laugh
Not really, but that’s how hairy this guy is. t o o, but only when I think he wants me to, which is more than I can
He shaves his face, except for a full Czar-like moustache and the say for some of our customers.
hairs that spring out from under the neck of his t-shirt like some thin and I’m packing out some dryload when Chris, the kid next to
wispy Elizabethan collar. me, starts scraping his tongue with his fingernails.
He’s generally pretty goofy. He’ll start joking when we start joking. “Wha happened?” I ask.
Right now he’s down in frozen packing out veggies. “I got a hair on my tongue.”
“Hey Hank,” I start in on my way to get some coffe e. “Maybe Hank made the coffee,” I say l oud enough to get
“Eyyehh?” he comes back with in his inimitable high-pitched creak. Hank’s attention from the next aisle. Chris laughs so hard he spits
“One time I blew you a kiss and got a hair on my tongue.” some coffee on his shirt.
“Ahhh hehehe, your girlfriend likes me that way” as he nods his “Fuck, I gotta go get another shirt,” he says as he leaves me
head in a way that lets us know we’re joking around. Joking around plays alone in the aisle to throw load.
the same role as the coffee in the back of the store. It keeps us awake at I ’ve got a glass jar of vodka marinara sauce in my hand when
5:30 am. I used to think it strange, driving to work while it was still dark Hank grabs me and spins me around quicker than is comfortable.
out; now I look outside to let me know how much time we have befo re He grabs my shirt by the collar and pulls me so close his moustache
the store opens. is touching where my moustache would be if I could grow one. It
This, like almost everything else that happens between these four tickles and I laugh a little bit. I think he’s joking ‘til he pushes me
walls, has happened countless times.We’ll tell a joke, knock something t h ree times hard against the shelving. The jar fell on the second
over so the other one has to clean it up, or anything we think will pass push.
t i m e.We’re the kind of acquaintances you make at work that won’t last “THAT’S IT. THAT’S ENOUGH. THAT’S ALL,” he grow l s .
much longer than our employment— whether or not either party admits “Dude, what the he-” and I almost finish my sentence when I
it. feel the filthy blade of his boxcutter pressing firm against the soft
Hank rides his bike to work. He hasn’t had a car since his divorc e. skin of my stomach.
From the way he talks about it, it’d be more ap p ropriate to call it “her” It didn’t matter that there was glass and pasta sauce all over
divorce. His wife took most of his everything, including the car he bought the floor. It didn’t matter that we still had 2 aisles to finish in only
for her, which I guess isn’t really taking. t wo hours. What mattered was this hairy tower of anger standing in
I like him because he has been through a lot and hasn’t turned front of me seething.
into something angry. I worked with another wonder like him once. He Two clicks and the blade is back where it’s supposed to be; he eases
walked in on his wife and her boss, but still smiled like he’d never been it from against my stomach, puts the blade in his back pocke t , and
h u rt . He had a moustache too. Maybe that’s something they did to rein- walks back to fro z e n .
vent themselves, the way I hear girls cut their hair after a breakup. May b e. Chris is putting on a new shirt as he turns the corner into
Well, now Hank rides his bike to work. the gro c e ry aisle. He has “what the hell happened?” written all ove r
“Hey Hank, I bet you’d ride your bike more if you took the seat his face when he sees me leaning against the shelf, standing in a
off.” puddle of vodka marinara.

L44
Caroline Luvs Barbasol and Rob’s Butt…But Not the Statesman
It was a brisk an d bustli n g Saturday for something worthy of pilferage. She Th e pair r aced back to th e P r ess
evening in th e Press offi ce. Lots of work saw on ly empty h er bal tea bag s an d of f ic e to tell th eir dar in g tale of h er o-
to ign ore, much fun to be had. Andrew unsweetened cereals. Pussi es. Then she ism, ear n in g th e r espect of th e editor s of
was weari n g his bun ny hat, melee was spied a can of Barbasol next to the sink . yester year .
afoot. Rob Gilheany was dancing to a punk After h er initi al though t of Eew, some “Joe, Joe, g et a camer a. We’ r e g oin g
documentary. David an d his blackened skank is s havin g in the kitc hen , Caroline back,” said Car olin e.
hobbit feet were h anging off the desk sh ri eked with devili sh delight. Joe an d Car oli n e wen t out in to th e
lookin g for h is keys. Then Rob Pearsall “We should write something on the h allway. Car oli n e slip ped h er sh oes off ,
and Joe walked in . After initi al greet- wall .” pr epar in g for h er mission . Joe stepped
in gs/dry humping, R ob foun d a lacross e “Draw a penis ,” ejaculated R ob, with- on a plastic bag an d made it abun dan tly
ball and started boun ci n g it lethall y out- out skipping a beat. clear wh y h e w as on ly a ph oto editor .
side in the h all. Caroline foll owed him “No, I’m not doin g th at.” We’ r e di c k ed, th oug h t Car oli n e.
curiousl y. Then , suddenly, Rob dashed “Draw a penis.” “Okay, le t’ s r oll. On my sig n al, w e g o.”
in to the nearby Statesma n office. “I’m n ot acquainted with th em.” Th ey en ter ed f ur ti v ely w i th out
“I’ m gonn a gan k some grub! ” “Writ e ‘penis.’” bein g detected. Car olin e f li cked on th e
Stealthil y, he en tered the office, mak - Caroline giggled sh eepi sh ly. “No.” lig h t. Joe g ot in to position , an d Car olin e
in g sure the coast was clear, an d darted “Fine, just draw a frowny face. ” picked up th e can ag ain . “We sh ould
in to th e kitch en . Car olin e f oll owed Caroline pick ed up th e can and com- w r ite someth in g .”
because of Rob’s butt, which is scul pted — menced the gu erri lla terrori sm. Rob ran “How ‘b out ‘ g r eetin g s? ’”
nay, “hew n” — from granit e. She found over and quickly swit ch ed off the li g ht. “Too lon g . I g ot it.”
him gloati n gly holdi n g th e last fudg e drop What is th at asshat doing ? though t sh e, Joe c ommi tted th e master piec e to
Sandie in the kitchen. R ob exclai med, an d th en got back to work . Face, eyes, ph oto, an d th ey both r aced back to th e
“Haha, it’s the last one!” mouth…finished! Caroline held h er thumb Oh - sizzle. Th ey looked at th e pictur es
“But we have bags of cookies in our up to the wall to ensure it was level and tr iu mph an tly , for th ey k n ew th eir cause
off ice! ” warned Carolin e. saw …a smil ing mouth. w as just. Th eir mission : accomplish ed.
“But stealing it makes it all th e sweet- “Sh it.”
er!” said he, with crumbs at the corn ers of “Y ou drew the wron g face?” All n ames in the above story h ave
his supple li ps. “A hh, th e spoils of war. ” “Fu ck.” been ch ang ed to protec t the fr eedom-
Caroline’s ey es scavenged the scene “Hah a! Scr ew it, let’s book!” fighters.

L45
The Butcher
The butcher loves his job. of animal that hang over the edges of some of the
When the store opens, the children come and cups. These are the ones the children fight for.
press their noses and palms against the window of Now they all have teeth like saw-blades, fin-
the display counter where he has lined up sweet- gers like Nosferatu, and eyes black and shiny like
bread, flank steaks, tongue, and the like. He walks out the butcher’s leg. An eight-year-old jerks a brim-
to the counter holding a bloody eyeball pinched ming cup out of the hands of a smaller boy, who
between his thumb and forefinger and they start hisses at him like a scared cat. The smaller boy
jumping up and down, clamoring for it. He slowly grabs the eight-year-old’s arm and plunges his
moves it back and forth above the heads of the teeth into it. The eight-year-old calmly empties the
assembled crowd until an underhand toss sends it contents of the cup into his mouth and begins
into the hands of a lucky child. The rest of the chil- clawing at the eyes of
dren frown and start sulking, kicking dust with their the smaller
shoes and thrusting their lower lips out boy, and there’s a
so far they look like small small firework of blood
uncooked that could have came from
sausages. the eight-year-old’s arm or the
That’s smaller boys face.
when the The Butcher looks down at the
Butcher returns with a wire bucket two struggling children and gives
filled with eyes of various sizes and a contented smile as he spoons
starts taking handfuls and showering more liquid into more cups for
them down upon the children, who more little mon-
laugh in this sudden squall of delec- sters. The
table treats. A four-year-old girl in man is
pink overalls holds an eye in her c h e e r i l y
hand and hobbles back to her moth- holding sway
er’s shopping cart smiling. over this car-
The Butcher is smiling down on nage. There are
these children as a man who has no chil- still eyeballs
dren of his own. He breathes these moments in deep, strewn about the floor
the way someone might stand over their successful that have been trampled underfoot. The white tile
campfire. He disappears for a moment while the chil- is acned with these tiny bulbs of fluid and blood.
dren suck the juice out of their treats with stomach- He’s enthused. He walks back behind the
turning enthusiasm and a competing chorus of counter and turns around with his hands on his
slurps. When he returns he’s carrying on his shoulder hips. He’s watching the two creatures maul each
a dirty white industrial bucket with a metal handle other while their mothers chat about how tough it
filled with a mysterious dark colored liquid. The chil- is to find a good low-carb bread. Right now the
dren start smiling and getting each others’ attention smaller boy has the eight-year-old pinned down
as he brings it out from behind the counter. He has a and convulsing while he pulls shards of the eight-
leg made out of wood, black with lacquer, that year-old’s face away with his teeth. The butcher
thumps on the ground as he walks. smiles and sighs in a boys-will-be-boys kind of
There’s a table three feet high with a glass top way. “Back to work,” he mutters to himself.
and small paper cups set upright waiting to be filled. There’s a sobbing woman, gagged with a scrap
He stands besides the table, takes out a stainless steel of apron, chained to a metal pipe against the wall.
ladle, and begins filling the cups while the children As he approaches her the room echoes with the
crowd around him impatiently, jostling and vying metal against metal sound of the Butcher sharpen-
with their tiny elbows. There are miscellaneous bits ing a very long thin knife.

L46
Marcus stood at the edge of the cliff, gasping for air after run- Hills was growing, and becoming a very popular place to live. Victor
ning for what seemed like forever. His clothes were torn, and cuts got a job as a data analyst for Sysnet, the makers of the world’s top
oozed blood down his legs and arms. From where he stood, it was a portable device operating system. Gina, when not caring for a very
400-foot drop straight down to the bottom. Marcus found himself in active Marcus, worked from home as an accountant for a non-for-
quite the rough situation; very little room to move and in a moment profit group.
he would be either captured or dead. As figures moved through the For the ten years, things went along peacefully and quietly.
brush, drawing nearer and nearer, Marcus looked back on the events Marcus went to school with other children, and was unnoticed by
that led to him being here. most. He had two friends, Danny and Jeff, who together formed a
misfit trio of overactive pre-teens. Their life was average, and peace-
Roughly seventeen years ago: ful.
With regards to Marcus’ as a Neo-Human, he slipped under
A young woman dressed all in white stood at the head of an the radar. His fangs were dismissed as a dental deformity that ran in
altar. This was the day she had been dreaming of all her life. She had his father’s family. Aside from that, and hair that always seemed a
met a man who loved her, who understood her, and was someone she mess, Marcus’s traits did not manifest. For the next two years,
could share her deepest, darkest secret with. The world around her Marcus lived a normal life, and his parents were relieved that there
was spinning. Gina was absolutely delirious with joy. The only was very little that made him stand out. Life was good… but it
reprieve was a moment of clarity where she could hear the words, wouldn’t last.
“you may kiss the bride.” The two embraced in a loving kiss inside One Friday afternoon, Marcus came home from playing soc-
a small church in the city. On this day Gina Aldredge and Victor cer, and his lower back hurt. Gina set him up for a hot bath to ease
Wallace became one, as a family. the pain and as he walked down the hallway, a towel wrapped
Gina and Victor had been going out for years, and lived around his waist, Gina could see a red spot at the base of his spine.
together for just as long. They had decided to celebrate the birth of She thought that maybe he took a blow to the back when he was
their son Marcus by getting married. They vowed to stay together playing soccer. Marcus was a tough kid; she thought he would be
forever, and to protect each other and their son from a world that fine.
could never understand them. They knew that their son would be The next morning, Gina called up the stairs to Marcus. She
like them, part of a life that many simply did not understand. They had just made pancakes, and normally the smell would get him out
were called many things; “Gifted”, “Neo-Humans”, “Meta- of bed in no time. After a few minutes of calling up to him, she fig-
Humans” but none of it mattered to them. They were a family. ured she would go get him out of bed. She had told him time and
A week after their wedding, the couple and child left New York, to time again not to stay up all night watching TV.
live a new life, one where they could be safe. As they made their Opening the door she saw Marcus laying in bed on his side.
way down a vast stretch of highway heading West, Victor looked He was covered in sweat, and was breathing slightly shallow. She
back at his little boy, sleeping in his car seat. He was pure innocence. placed the back of her hand on his head and immediately pulled it
As Gina and baby Marcus slept in the car, he said in a low voice, “I off. He was burning up. Gina yelled into the next room to wake up
swear, I will protect both of you until the day I die.” In the car seat, Victor. She remembered the red spot on his back from yesterday,
baby Marcus stirred, his face grimaced and his little teeth could be and rolled him over, lifting his shirt to take a look. Gina picked up
seen, more pronounced than any baby’s would ever be. Victor could- Marcus and ran out the door, colliding into Victor. He groggily
n’t help but smile at his little boy. He was just like him. He said to asked, “What’s wrong honey?” Gina was clutching Marcus in her
the sleeping baby as he resumed his normal sleeping, “Don’t worry arms, crying, “There’s something… his back…”
Marcus, we’re going to a place where there will be no nightmares…
a place where we can be safe.”
The Next Species is a work in progress by SBU
Ten years later:
student Joe Rios. The continuation of the story
For the past ten years, the Wallace family lived in obscurity. can be found online at
The family had settled down in a newly forming community in WWW.ZAZIESTUDIOS.COM
Arizona. Roughly 80 miles from Scottsdale, a town known as Serene

L47
Let it Bleed
“I told you not to bleed on the asphalt.” steady trail of blood along the pavement. She cleaned the blood
Cheri looked up apologetically. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean from her arm with a fresh towel and wrapped a new bandage
to.” around her wrist.
The man took a drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke The ghost in the passenger’s seat handed her a small bot-
roughly in her face. “Don’t worry about it. Just keep going.” tle of peroxide. “That didn’t seem like it went so well.”
They both watched as the blood flowed out of her wrist Cheri poured the peroxide over the soaking bandage and
and onto the grass by the road. It felt warm, as it always did, dried it with the towel. “It never does anymore.”
and seeing it trickle down her palm excited her, although she
would never reveal that.
“You’re good.” the man said, leaning against his truck as Rain drummed loudly on the roof above the attic bed-
he tossed the cigarette on the ground and lit another. “What do room. Two days worth of dirty laundry lay across the floor by
I got to do to get the whole thing?” the mattress. Three small hardcover books sat on the hard
“This is it.” wood near the pillow. There was a crash of thunder. Cheri
The man’s smile broadened. “I un’stand that’s what I woke.
paid for. What I’m asking is how much more you gonna need to “Wesley?”
get them pretty clothes of yours off.” There was no answer.
Cheri shrugged. “I’m sorry, but the clothes stay on. It’s “Wesley, where are you?”
part of the deal.” The ghost appeared from the corner of the room. “What’s
The man took a step forward angrily. “Don’t tell me the matter?”
what’s part of the deal and what ain’t. I’m a payin’ customer, Cheri shook her head. “I don’t know. There was thun-
and that means I call the shots. If I say I want to see your pret- der… I had a crazy dream.”
ty little body doin’ that trick o’ yours naked, I’m sure we can “Are you alright?”
come to some sort of a business arrangement.” “Yeah. I just need some air.”
Cheri wrapped a bandage around her wrist. “I don’t nego-
tiate, and you definitely don’t call the shots. We’re done here.”
The man threw his cigarette down and grabbed her shirt Cheri sat on the porch watching the rain blow through
collar. “That wasn’t fifteen minutes, missy! We ain’t done with the trees. Not many cars would drive by after dark. The town
nothin’.” had a foreboding aura, not just because of the darkness and
“I think we are.” scarcity of life, but because there was a vintage, almost forgot-
The man swung his hand around and hit her cheek with ten design that hadn’t been updated in decades. This was pre-
his open knuckles. Cheri grabbed his shoulders and kneed him cisely one of the reasons she lived
in the crotch twice, throwing him on the ground and kicking him here; in a place like this, it’s easy to be forgotten in the same
between his closed thighs. way.
“You stupid bitch! I’m gonna kill you, you goddamn freak! She pulled a blanket over her bare shoulders and shud-
You fucking freak whore! I’m gonna make you bleed!” dered. It was cold, but it felt good to be outside. She tightened
Cheri reached into his pocket and took his driver’s the blanket and ran her hand over the goosebumps forming
license, along with sixty dollars in cash. She held his license along her thighs beneath the nylon shorts. Something was
out. “Don’t tell anyone about this, and definitely don’t try to find wrong. She could feel it.
me. I know where you live, and I will kill every member of your A man wearing a v-neck t-shirt and black pants ran past
family and every friend you ever had. Are we clear?” the house, ducking his head in the rain. Cheri stood up and
“I’m gonna gut you, you godless whore!” tried her best to peer through the rain, but he’d already ran past
Cheri drove her heel into his crotch and twisted. “I said before she’d adjusted enough to get a good look at his face.
are we clear?” She stood for a moment, letting the rain blow in to hit her
“Yes, we’re clear! Now get off of me, freak!” face slightly. She looked around, dropped the blanket on the
Cheri shrugged again. “Your choice.” She twisted her wooden rocking chair, and ran after the man.
foot again as she pulled it from between his thighs. The man The rain was colder than she’d imagined, but it felt even
screamed, then swore incoherently. Cheri walked around to her better to be running. She tried to think for a moment about
car, tucking the license and the money under her shirt and into what she was doing, but it didn’t make enough sense to keep her
her bra. She opened the driver’s side door and got in, leaving a occupied. The man was closer; he wasn’t going as fast as she’d

L48
Let it Bleed
first thought. “About what? What’s going on?”
She came up behind him and caught her breath. “Excuse The man looked at her sternly. “You’re being hunted.”
me!”
The man stopped and spun around. His face was fair and
purely beautiful; every feature showcased his soft, moist skin They sat in the musty basement, each holding a blanket
while curving around tightly in shapes that could be considered over their shoulders. Cheri took a sip of tea from her cup.
nearly perfect. His eyes were bright, even in the darkness, but “What do they want from you?”
they were also afraid. “They’re hit men. The only thing they want from me is to
“Yes? Can I help you?” disappear.”
Cheri stood, not sure how to respond. Rain fell from her “Why? What did you do?”
hair onto her lips. “Where are you running to?” The man shrugged. “It’s not about what I did, it’s about
“I’m not really running anywhere.” who I am.”
“I saw you. You were running. Why are you running?” “What are you, some kind of politician?”
The man shook his head. “You should go back to your “No.” the man laughed. “Definitely not. It’s kind of hard
home. I don’t know why you followed me, but you can turn back to explain.”
now.” “Try me.”
“I will if you tell me where you’re going.” “Well,” he began. “there was a girl. She was from an
“No deal. Goodnight.” The man turned and began jog- important family over in England. I met her in a park one
ging again. Cheri jogged after him. night, and to sum it up we fell in love. Of course her family did-
“Maybe I can help you.” n’t approve.”
The man stopped, turned around, and scanned her body, “Why not?”
paying close attention to the innumerable cuts and scars along “I was different. I lived differently than they did. They
her arms. “You don’t look like you’re ready to help anybody.” couldn’t handle it. They wanted their little girl to marry some-
“It’s not what you think.” one important, someone who cold provide for her. I didn’t fit the
“It never is.” bill.”
There was a loud horn, followed by incoherent shouting. “But that didn’t stop you, I’m guessing.”
The man twisted his head sharply and ran. Cheri ran after him. “No, and when I made that clear they arranged to have
“What’s after you?” me killed.”
The man kept running. “Go back to your home! It’s for Cheri shook her head. “That’s crazy.”
your own good!” “Tell me about it. And it was crazier each time they tried.
Cheri grabbed his wrist and pulled him to a stop. “Who I’d lived on my own long enough to know how to survive, so with
are you running from?” each assassin I grew more prepared for the next one.
“Get down!” The man pulled her onto the nearest lawn, Eventually they wised up, and hired someone who wouldn’t
ducking with her under the porch. fail.”
“What is-?” “Is that who was outside?”
“Shh!” “Yes. He’s not human. I don’t know what he is, but he
After a moment of silence the clacking sound of hooves hasn’t stopped. He’s come at me with everything, and the worst
against pavement blended with the rain. Cheri looked out from part is he’s methodical. He’s slow and deliberate, and I’m not
under the porch as a single brown horse came to a stop in the sure how much longer I can outrun him.”
road. “What are you going to do?”
Five minutes passed with no movement. Just as Cheri “I’m going to keep trying. What I’d like to know is why
was about to ask the man what was going on, the horse took off you chased after me.”
down the road. The man sighed and pulled her out from under Cheri shrugged. “I just… I don’t know.” She looked into
the porch. his eyes intensely. “I’m different, too.”
“Come with me.” he said. “I have a place you can stay.” “How so?”
“I live down the road.” “I have an ability… a talent, even, if you can call it that.”
“Not anymore, you don’t.” The man returned her gaze. “What is it?”
Cheri froze. “What do you mean?” “I can bleed.”
“I’m sorry.” The man stared forward, silent. Cheri continued. “My

L49
Let it Bleed
body keeps making more blood, no matter what I do. I can open her body, teeth deep in her neck. He pulled out, raising himself
my wrist, and it’ll bleed out without stopping. I could bleed for above her and staring at her naked, motionless body.
days and never feel anything.” “Do you want me to stop?”
“That’s incredible. Have you told anyone about this?” She shook her head. “No. Don’t stop.”
“Not really. Not anyone who could help me.” He closed his eyes and let his face return to normal. “We
“Who knows?” can’t stay here long.”
“People. People who want to see it. People who can pay. Cheri sat up, pulling the blood-soaked blanket over her
It turns them on, mostly. I don’t think about it. I just open a exposed body. The man took a second to look again at her soft,
vein and let them watch.” inconversant breasts, admiring the unacknowledgable round-
“Why would you do that?” ness, the subtle way they moved as she slid the silk sheet over
“People pay-“ them.
The man shook his head. “It’s not the money.” “They’re looking for you.”
Cheri paused, then lowered her head. “No, it’s not.” The man nodded.
“You like it. Some part of you likes that they get off on it. “Then we should go.” She wrapped the sheet around her
It makes you feel special.” body and fastened it at the waist with a hair clip. “Who’s house
Cheri looked up. “I’m not a good person.” was this?”
The man smiled comfortingly. “I wouldn’t say that. I “Some lady’s. It was abandoned when I got here.”
think you have a unique ability, and you have no idea what kind “Do you think-”
of power comes with that.” There was a loud crashing sound outside. They both
“It’s nothing. There’s no power.” froze. The window on the far end of the basement shattered in
The man leaned forward. “You can show me, if you want.” as a rock came hurling toward them. They strafed out of the
Cheri was silent for a moment. She felt a chill run down way and stood for a moment looking at the rock. Cheri picked it
her spine. “You want to see it?” up and unwrapped a small piece of paper from around it.
The man nodded. “I think it’s beautiful.” Written in perfect cursive was the note:
Cheri stood up. “If you- if you have a blade, it makes it
easier.” Dearest Luthe, half-breed living among mortals,
The man opened a nearby drawer and pulled out a razor You are called once again to step forward and face
blade. She took it slowly and stepped back. “Is it okay if I do it your execution with honor. Do not decline this offer.
here on the floor?” Sincerely,
“It’s just a basement floor. It’s not really that important.” L
Cheri slid the blade across her arm, immediately releas-
ing a stream of blood. The man leaned forward and stared Cheri looked up at him. “Luthe? That’s your name?”
intensely. The blood continued to run down her arm and drip “It’s short for Luther.”
onto the cement floor. “I see.” She looked down at the note, then back at him.
“Do you want me to keep going?” “How long has this guy been chasing you?”
The man nodded, moving his chair closer. “Yes, please. The man took a breath. “One hundred twenty-seven
It’s beautiful.” years, three months and two days.”
The blood ran down her shirt, now flowing steadily along “They hired him to kill you.” She paused. “But now
her arm and onto the floor. She shivered, half-nervous and half- they’re long gone. Why is he still going?”
excited. “I- I can take my clothes off, if you want.” “He has to. He can’t stop until he completes his mission,
The man moved his face closer to her arm, smelling the no matter how long it takes. He’ll chase me forever, unless we
blood as it trickled down to her hand. He looked up at her, and do something.”
his face was contorted and intense. He smiled, baring two large “Why haven’t you done something already? What do you
white fangs. “That won’t be necessary.” need me for?”
He grabbed her arm tightly and bit into her wrist. She “I need you to be with me.”
screamed. Cheri looked out through the basement window. “We can
make it to my house if we run.”

The white sheets were soaked in blood. The man lay over

L50
Let it Bleed
The rider was fast behind them, charging at full speed. “I had to-”
Torched arrows flew at them, swishing by and hitting the pave- Cheri nodded. “I understand. So this rider, L, is after
ment in front of them. you. And it’s because over a century ago you killed an entire
“We’re almost there!” she called as they turned the corner family, including the girl you claimed to love.”
towards the house. She looked up, felt a blaze of heat, and “I did love her.”
stopped. Cheri looked out into the distance and closed her eyes. “I
Luthe stared forward. “I’m sorry.” believe you.” She moved her arm to his mouth and grabbed his
Cheri walked closer, holding her hands out to block the head. “Do you love me in the same way?”
heat of the fire. “Wesley! Wesley, where are you?” He nodded. “Yes, yes I love you. I need you. Can’t you
There was no answer. see this was meant to be?”
Luthe grabbed her shoulder. “I’m sorry, but anyone in “Yes. I do see it. And you’re right.” She moved her arm
there… it’s too late.” closer. “Drink from me, please. I need it as bad as you do.
“No, it’s not possible!” Please.”
“If they were in there, they’re dead. I’m sorry, but we He grabbed her arm and drank, running his free hand
have to keep-” over her body. Cheri ran her hand through his hair. “I’m sorry.”
“He’s already dead! He can’t die again.” The rider stood before them, looming as a shadow in the
Luthe froze for a moment, then looked back at the rider, approaching sunlight. Luthe raised his head and looked at her
who had slowed to a quiet walk. “You were friends with a intensely. Cheri touched his face, looking into him and feeling a
ghost?” swell of tears build in her eyes. “I love you too.”
“He was bound to the house. He’s gone now.” The rider threw the stake, and it hit Luthe in his left
Luthe sighed. “We have to keep going. Come on.” lapel. As the sun rose over the burnt trees he fell slowly to dust,
indistinguishable from the ash left behind by the pyre.
Cheri stood up and looked at the rider. “Who are you?”
It was still dark, but it wouldn’t be for long. They’d been The rider didn’t answer.
traveling for a while, and now they stopped. In front of them Cheri walked past him, bleeding on the asphalt by the
was a large, burned woodland, still black and smoking. woods.
“Was he looking for you here, too?” The rider spoke softly. “You should bandage that up.”
Luthe nodded. “He doesn’t stop, and to him, everything’s Cheri shook her head. “No, I think I’ll let it bleed for a
collateral.” while.”
They entered the woods and sat down on a burnt log. She
looked at him closely, then grabbed a sharp stick and cut her
arm deeply. Blood flowed out onto the burnt grass beneath their
feet. Luthe moved his head closer, and she moved her hand
away. The bleeding worsened, the thick blood coming out of her
like a river.
“How long did you know her?”
Luthe stopped, then looked up sadly. “Four months. She
was worth this, though. The running, the hiding. She was
worth it.”
“But if you loved her, if you truly loved her, why would
you do it?”
“We had to be together. I wasn’t going to let her family
stop that. Love conquers all obstacles, breaks through all
bound-“
Cheri moved her arm further away. “Even life?”
He looked at her gravely and sat up straight. “I had to.
It was the only way.”
“How many of her family did you kill before you tried to
turn her?”

L51
HELP! THE NEO-CONS HAVE
HIJACKED MY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By Natalie Schultz turned our President into a pawn and actu- the Gulf War and not pushing their military forces against such states as
___________ ally managed to garner a lot of support from “Americanization” agenda. In fact, before Kuwait or Saudi Arabia… To solve this the
true conservatives by brainwashing them 9/11 our current President had to fight their US must be able to defend the interests of
There is a bizarre friendship between through their steadfast hold on the media. agenda on many occasions, such as when Kuwait, Saudi Arabia and ourselves against
two former Presidents that puzzles just The Neo-Cons today adamantly try to our plane crashed in China; the Neo-Cons an Iraqi invasion or show of force.”
about everyone in this country: George convince us that they are true conservatives; had been desperate to go to war with China According to the other researchers Iraq was
H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton. How can these that Neo-Conservatism died out in the since the 1980’s and saw that incident as not a threat, but Wolfowitz refused to
two guys with completely divergent politi- 1970’s. That is not true; they succeed in their lucky chance, but George W. Bush budge; one of the analysts was even wor-
cal views, who once ran against each other this propaganda by pointing to certain Neo- refused and the Neo-Cons were furious, ried that Wolfowitz’s report would get out
for the most powerful position in the world, Cons who claim to be true conservatives, they even likened him to Bill Clinton! and that in itself would lead to an interna-
be best buddies? Bizarre, to say the least. the ones who often began as true conserva- Fortune smiled down upon the Neo-Cons tional incident. Of course, he held out long
Alas, I have figured it out: George H.W. tives but slowly adopted Neo-Con values: after 9/11 as they were then able to push enough and pushed the issue, and low and
Bush realizes that his party is no longer the Condoleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick their agenda of “democratizing the world behold the Gulf War in 1991, and yet again
party of true conservatives like himself and Cheney and Liz Cheney. Yes, today these via ‘American’ ideology;” they were able to in 2001. It’s five years later, I guess he’s
Ronald Reagan. He realizes that his son, Republicans are Neo-Cons, yet most people convince George W. Bush that we were decided that he’s done as much as he can in
our current President, George W. Bush, has think that they are true conservatives. But attacked because we hadn’t “democratized” the American government; today he’s
lost all control and allowed the Neo-Cons to true conservatives are not members of the Middle East. If you recall, George W. President of the World Bank. (Mann,
walk all over him and influence his policy Project for the New American Century Bush ran in 2000 on a platform of “NO James. Rise of the Vulcans: The History of
decisions. So, realizing that his biological (PNAC), the Neo-Con think-tank begun by nation-building.” Makes you wonder why Bush's War Cabinet)
son has alienated his own base, George William Kristol, son of Irving Kristol, the and by whom 9/11 really happened. Irving Kristol wrote an article in the
Bush the First has adopted a new son in Bill man who truly ushered in the Neo- In fact, Paul Wolfowitz, mastermind of Weekly Standard (Neo-Con rag owned by
Clinton. Yeah, he’s a liberal, but he’s not an Conservative movement in the 1970’s. this administration’s foreign policy and the Fox News Corp) in 2003 explaining how
extreme left-winger like his wife Hillary. Neo-Conservatism is so much better than
So, I think these guys have bonded because true traditional Republican conservatism.
they just don’t ‘get’ their own relatives. He himself wrote of its “origin among dis-
Better off just playing golf and pretending illusioned liberal intellectuals in the
that the world doesn’t exist. 1970’s.” You don’t need to be a rocket sci-
So, who exactly are these influential entist to know that no true Conservative or
Neo-Cons? That is a wonderful question! Libertarian would ever align themselves
In fact, until I decided to do some research willfully with “liberal intellectuals;” after
to figure out exactly where this freakish ide- all, that is just a pseudonym for a Socialist.
ology came from, I wasn’t even aware that Just reading that degrading, insulting article
it originated with a small handful of of his makes me view Hillary Clinton in a
Socialists who were smart enough to band whole new light. I used to despise that
together and disillusion the Grand Old woman as if she was Karl Marx’s love
Party. I just thought it was some weird child; now I at least have respect for her
twisted, convoluted fringe of ignorant, con- simply because she is not so insensate as to
fused conservatives. Far from! In fact, this demean an entire population of rational
Neo-Conservative ideology has absolutely believers in limited government by infiltrat-
nothing in common with ANY traditionally ing our ranks and brainwashing us. No, at
conservative or Republican values! They least she has the courage to admit that we
don’t believe in less government, they do not see eye to eye; that our political
believe in more! In fact, this ideology is so views are diametrically opposed to each
twisted that it makes the likes of Hillary other’s. Not the Neo-Cons, no they insist
seem sane; at least Hillary is a liberal and that our values are the same, that “disillu-
her beliefs coalesce with true social-liberal sioned liberal intellectual” values are the
ideology. At least she hasn’t jumped ship to same as true conservative values.
join the Republican Party; if she had she Bollocks!!! Neo-Cons you truly are!
would be the poster-child for the Neo-Cons. But the worst part, the absolute worst
Why? Because these idiots actually agree thing about it is that they actually, truly and
with all of the super-liberal ideals of the honestly have succeeded in co-opting the
“nanny-state.” The only true difference Republican Party. They have not only man-
?
between liberals and the Neo-Cons is that Too late aged to infiltrate our ranks, but somehow
the core belief of Neo-Cons is that the true did so without us noticing before it was too
purpose of America is to take over the These infamous Neo-Cons whom George war with Iraq, has been a Neo-Con from late. But now it is too late. We are at war,
world and make sure that every other nation W. Bush worships lay claim to true conser- day one (a Democrat who jumped ship), our borders are still open, jobs are flying out
is “democratized” to our way of life: at any vatism because they were all a part of back in the Defense Department in the of the country faster than a Concord Jet, and
cost! That is why we are at war in Iraq. Not Reagan or Bush the First’s administrations. 1970’s. He went out of his way to make the our government just spends, spends,
because conservative Republicans wanted But, what most people do not realize is that Soviets look much more dangerous than spends, while our national debt keeps going
war, but because the Neo-Cons used 9/11 to the Neo-Cons themselves were at that time they were; most of his findings were proven up, up, up! All this big-government horror
convince George W. Bush that all of the only successful in converting a select few unfounded. In 1977 he became obsessed has been happening under the leadership of
things they had desperately tried to con- die-hard Republicans; Reagan and Bush the with the Persian Gulf, in particular the Republicans. I am absolutely distraught!
vince Ronald Reagan and George H.W. First ignored them at best, and locked horns Israeli situation, and actually invented a Irving Kristol, in that same article con-
Bush to do were in fact correct. Our at worst. The Neo-Cons wanted to attack conspiracy theory: That Iraq was a threat to tinues: “…most European conservatives are
President fell for it, and in turn the the Soviet Union and lambasted Reagan for our oil supply. He worked with internation- highly skeptical of its (American Neo-
Republican Party has alienated its base. his diplomatic tactics; they hated George al specialists to do a study and his own
Continued on next page
The Neo-Cons succeeded brilliantly; they Bush the First for not being tougher during report stated “Iraq may in the future use her

Impossible, sir. It’s in Johnson’s underwear.


53
Neo-cons (continued)
Continued from previous page
First of all, you yourself admit that tax-cuts to believe it. Not! In what alternate dimen- “right of rebellion.” Rebel indeed! My fel-
are at the heart of traditional conservatism, sion does this theory actually hold water? If low Republicans and Conservatives and
Conservatism’s) legitimacy. The fact that but you claim that cutting taxes is contro- you cut taxes the state has less money, but Libertarians, it’s time to take back the
conservatism in the United States is so versial. What pea-brained idiot would find individuals have more. That is a good Grand Old Party! Dispel these ignominious
much healthier than in Europe, so much lowering taxes controversial? You justify thing; individuals in that case have more usurpers! It is time for true reform! No
more politically effective, surely has some- Neo-Con influence on fiscal responsibility money to spend as they choose; they can More Big Government!!! No More Neo-
thing to do with the existence of neo-con- by claiming to be “familiar with intellectu- save it, invest it or spend it; as long as it is Cons!!!
servatism.” Skeptical? Well, at least that al history.” Get with it, Bucko: You know in the market and not under the mattress it I will leave you with just one more quote
proves that not all Europeans have com- darned well that traditional conservative helps the overall economy. But, this theory from the ‘Godfather of Neo-Conservatism’:
pletely lost their minds! Europe is drown- Republican and Libertarian values are rests on the government shouldering debt; “Neo-cons do not feel alarm or anxiety
ing in a cesspool of politically correct directly rooted in the theories of Locke and that debt comes from a trade deficit (we about the growth of the state in the past cen-
nihilism that survives solely on the worn- Smith. You most certainly are full of gall; import more than we export, therefore we tury, seeing it as natural, indeed inevitable;
out thread of an out-dated, completely just like a true Commie: Propagandize actually owe money on the difference), cou- because they tend to be more interested in
unsustainable Socialist system. It’s cultural through your “intelligent wit” until the pled with the government borrowing history than economics or sociology. People
vestiges exist solely in books of old, and as masses give up their every last penny and money to cover its obligations (via domes- have always preferred strong government to
European birth rates continue to plummet souls to boot. Most important, it must be tic and foreign bonds and such). Of course weak government… Neo-cons feel at home
faster than the speed of light it really won’t noted, is that the only real Neo-Con influ- it’s not that simple: the debt itself incurs in today's America to a degree that more tra-
matter much because Europe will not even ence during Reagan’s administration was interest and keeps adding up and adding up ditional conservatives do not.”
exist by the next generation. Europe’s Iran-Contra; and your lackeys even man- even if the principal itself does not increase. This is who is in control of our govern-
problem is not that it’s conservatism isn’t aged to finagle that one behind Reagan’s But of course the government does keep on ment: the “liberal intellectuals” who are
healthy, quite the contrary; Europe’s con- back. True, your buddies were convicted, borrowing, adding more and more principal interested in history, not economics or soci-
servatism is healthy in the sense that the but I admit that the Republican’s did not debt, usually just to pay off the interest on ology. History IS economics and sociology.
few remaining European’s who actually see realize just how insane your Neo-Con goals all the earlier debts; it is a never-ending History is nothing more than an examina-
with their eyes wide open realize that their really were. Now we do: Then it was sell- cycle. Not to mention the extremely tight tion of how humans have acted in regard to
culture is literally dying out before their ing arms to Iran to finance the Contras in rope that our currency valuation is walking their environment: a study of the sociologi-
eyes. Those few, and very few they are, the name of democracy; now it is war with on because of it. The simple fact is that you cal processes and interactions that arise due
clear-sighted European conservatives Iraq in the name of democracy in order to cannot cut taxes and increase government to the prevailing economic situations.
refuse to bend their ideals to fit into the protect Israel. Well, they say what goes spending without racking up debt; it is Economics is the only thing any social pol-
politically correct Socialist fallacy that has around comes around; now Iran has the mathematically impossible (even if capital icy-maker or politician should be interested
befallen their homeland. They refuse to weapons to take out Israel. You contemptu- gains taxes are lowered such that it induces in because economics is at the very root of
embrace Neo-Conservatism simply because ous Dirge! selling, thereby leading to more taxes at a all human problems; all sociological and
it is “more politically effective.” Europe’s No! Wait! It doesn’t end there: he actu- lower rate based solely on volume of sales; psychological problems arise out of poor
few true conservatives are healthy, healthy ally goes on to claim that the Republican a very dangerous proposition considering economic states of consciousness. Human
but weak, weak but proud. Proud enough to aversion to risk and large budget deficits is the stock market is the only part of our nature is human nature and cannot be con-
go down fighting; to fight ‘til their very last a bad thing; that Neo-Cons understand that economy that is actually thriving). The trolled, humans react to their circum-
unheard breath as Europe is dragged down the government “must shoulder budgetary other grave fallacy in his theory that shoul- stances; the study of such reactions is soci-
out of existence by the chains their “liberal deficits as the cost of pursuing economic dering debt will lead to property ownership ology. But that alone won’t help you make
intellectual” brethren have bound to them. growth.” Why? “It is in the nature of is that (1) we have already gone through the a good policy decision. Human nature can-
Europe’s conservatives may go down, but democracy - because it seems to be in the greatest period ever of an increase in prop- not be changed, but external factors can be
they will go down with honor. nature of human nature - political dema- erty ownership, yet a very large percentage changed; therefore only by fixing the eco-
American Conservatism has lost its gogy will frequently result in economic of the lower and middle classes still were nomic situation of an oppressed people will
honor. To quote Irving Kristol yet again recklessness.” This, in fact is exactly the not able to afford to buy a house (market they become free. Humans by nature want
“…most Republican politicians know noth- truth. The nature of a democracy is such forces: good economy = seller’s market = to be free, that is why one cannot change the
ing and could not care less about neo-con- that the powerful (demagogues) are able to higher prices = fewer people can afford to inner person without first altering their sur-
servatism. Nevertheless, they cannot be manipulate the masses through various buy). (2) It completely ignores the fact that roundings; they must first consume of a
blind to the fact that neo-conservative poli- appeals to emotion. And yes, this can, and our trade deficit stems from cheap items ‘better’ world before they will become ‘bet-
cies, reaching out beyond the traditional does lead to economic restlessness. But, it coming from China, items that are no ter’ themselves. Because humans by nature
political and financial base, have helped is not the fault of the citizens that econom- longer made in America; the increase in want to be free, the only economic system
make the very idea of political conser- ic recklessness occurs; rather it is the fault consumer spending on such goods doesn’t that fits is a free-market system, laissez-
vatism more acceptable to a majority of of the demagogues’ manipulating the citi- nearly cancel out the loss in overall wealth faire.
American voters… it is the neo-conserva- zens in such a way that they act against their of the average worker who lost his decent Unfortunately, the human condition also
tive public policies, not the traditional own best economic interest because they manufacturing job and is now making seems to love oppressing others; that is why
Republican ones, that result in popular are operating in an unnatural state. The the- $7.00 an hour selling those cheap goods at “governments” pop up, take over and screw
Republican presidencies. One of these poli- ory, according to Kristol, is that “It is a Wal-Mart. In short, the only way this theo- everything up with various regulations.
cies, most visible and controversial, is cut- basic assumption of neo-conservatism that, ry even begins to make sense is if Kristol Humans will never be free as long as there
ting tax rates in order to stimulate steady as a consequence of the spread of affluence intends to shoulder this debt with the sole is a ‘Big Brother’ dictating how they should
economic growth. This policy was not among all classes, a property-owning and aim of redistributing it to all Americans live their lives. There is no point in being
invented by neo-cons, and it was not the tax-paying population will, in time, become who otherwise are unable to afford to pur- free if deep down you know you are living
particularities of tax cuts that interested less vulnerable to egalitarian illusions and chase property. In other words, it seems as in a prison, under a “strong government”
them, but rather the steady focus on eco- demagogic appeals and more sensible about though he intends to impose a Command- that only tells you that you are free so that
nomic growth. Neo-Cons are familiar with the fundamentals of economic reckoning.” and-Control (Communist) system on us in you will happily go along, make money and
intellectual history and aware that it is only Translation: By cutting taxes and increas- the guise of a Social-Democratic redistribu- pay taxes until the government gets bored
in the last two centuries that democracy has ing the national debt all citizens (now all tion of wealth that will (supposedly) lead to and decides to send you off to war like a
become a respectable option among politi- property-owning) will feel as if there is no an eventual return to a true free-market sys- game of toy soldiers. That’s the only reason
cal thinkers.” longer any inequity between them, there- tem. This is so beyond comprehension that we are forever to be bound to a ‘state’ of
Are you kidding me? Irving, you are a fore politicians will no longer be able to I have no words. some sort: because it wouldn’t take more
bloviating idiot!!! Yeah, you reached out to appeal to their emotions, so all citizens will It is precisely because of this sort of than a day or so of complete ‘freedom’ for
new frontiers – you brought all of your now focus on increasing their individual illogical reasoning and subsequent abuse of someone to come along and usurp that free-
u b e r-riche Socialist comrades into the wealth, which in turn will increase the power that Locke, due to his clear under- dom just for the fun of it.
Republican Party. You say that Neo-Con wealth of the state. standing of “natural rights” and the “social Run! Run! Run for your
policies made Reagan a popular president? Whoa! In translating that I almost began contract” insisted that citizens have the lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
www.thestonybrookpress.com
54
Honors College: We Is Smart!
A Semi-Serious Piece
By Alex H. Nagler obvious from the wooden plaque on the interdisciplinary courses that would This is the reason the residence hall for
___________ door of the Honors College Lounge in engage the students with their profes- Honors College moved from Cardozo
the library (where we have our classes sors and serve as something that they College in Roth Quad to To s c a n i n i
For reasons unbeknownst to me, I for four years). saw as being akin to an Ivy League College in Tabler Quad.
spent the informational weekend before I shuffled off to Laurie’s office one institution. They would give students a Over time, the Honors College
Thanksgiving working behind the F r i d a y, rousing myself from my nor- one-year scholarship of $1,000, a fac- evolved. From its humble beginnings
booth for the Honors College at the ori- mally prolonged slumber to talk about ulty mentor, and access to the Master as a 36-credit course, it now encom-
entation for high school seniors. T h e the history of the Honors College. of the Program, who wound up being passes every major available on the
most common question asked of me by After a brief wait as various people D r. Carlson. campus and turns twenty in 2009.
parents, prospective students, and A l e x whined about not getting into this or The initial Honors College class of Thanks to a tremendous spike in the
Walsh alike was “What the bloody hell that class, I sat down with Laurie to 1989 set out with a group of 60 starry- research capabilities of the university
is the Honors College, anyway?” A f t e r discuss the history. That, and to kvetch eyed freshmen with an average SAT as a whole, and the increased impor-
giving the “Learning Communities, about the thorough whipping that score of 1230. They took in their first tance of A P classes at the high school
senior thesis, research opportunities, Villanova had handed down the night year HON 101 and HON 102, level, Honors College has been suc-
suites, please god don’t let them ask me before at the basketball game. Historical Approach and Philosophical cessfully churning out top-caliber stu-
about Scholars for Medicine, I’m a The Honors College was founded in Approach. Both of these classes were dents, with many having successfully
Political Science major” spiel for god 1989 by Dr. Elof Axel Carlson, a taught by one professor each and completed the residency period needed
knows how long, it dawned on me. geneticist and scientific historian, and served as a replacement for the core to practice medicine five years ago.
What the bloody hell is the Honors Laurie Johnson. It was their idea to cre- curriculum of Stony Brook University. Laurie mentioned that the newest goal
College, anyway? I realized I was actu- ate a way for the students of a public In time, this core curriculum would of the Honors College is to create a
ally going to have to do some research u n i v e r s i t y, such as Stony Brook, to later be replaced by the DECs that we database of alumni to help establish
for this one. And that meant one thing: receive an education that would be on know and love today, the ones from connections between former members
talking to Laurie Fiegel. par with that of an Ivy League institu- which Honors College students are and current students. Laurie mentioned
For those of you who don’t know tion. At the time, Stony Brook itself exempt. in passing an Honors College alumni
Laurie (and you wont unless you’re in was only 32 years old, and not much This Honors College class, which who had gotten a PhD from Harvard in
Honors College, so my guess is that’s thought had been given to creating an could be considered the Rho Class, has the field of social relations and has now
most people), she is one of those peo- honors program. In fact, there was no set off a group of 57 somewhat less come back to the Alma Matter to help
ple who you hear before you see. She’s set honors curriculum aside from hon- starry-eyed and slightly more cynical out a current senior with that student’s
the Administrative Director of the ors classes within departments them- freshmen with a combined average thesis.
Honors College and pretty much knows selves, called Presidential Scholars. S AT of 1460. T h e y, or more appropri- By discovering the past, I was able
everything that’s going on with all 240- The University Scholars program was a t e l y, we, are taking HON 105, Modes to figure out what the present-day
odd members of the Honors College. still only a blip on the horizon, and of Being, and HON 106, Modes of Honors College held, and, hopefully, I
Plus, she has candy in her office, which nothing existed yet to draw in the feisty Knowledge, now taught by three pro- now know what the future will hold for
makes going to it a good thing. o v e r-achievers that make up the pres- fessors. Our studies will terminate with me for the next three-and-a-half years.
I realized the best way to find out ent-day Honors College. an Honors Thesis, putting our four I owe a great debt of gratitude to Laurie
about where a program is going is to So Dr. Carlson and Ms. Johnson set years of research and practice to use. for sitting down with me and dusting
discover where it came from. So I’d about to create something. They initial- The course has become much more lib- o ff the original documents that detailed
have to discover the history of the ly came back with a 36-credit, univer- eral arts-based, hoping to culturally the founding. I’m Alex Harrison
Honors College. All I knew was that it sity-wide program that would serve as enrich the students and giving a liberal N a g l e r, reporting for the Stony Brook
was founded in 1989, as is evidently a major. They would create a series of arts university feel to Stony Brook. Press, signing off .

By Miguel A. Sanchez
The Intelligentsia
ceived intelligence works fragment and am an atheist: does that mean that I am a one say? Well, it’s important to note that
___________ confuse the more ordinary mind so that it spiritualist? Do I believe that there is some not all is lost. The more confused and frag-
doesn’t decide to do anything funny, such divine purpose in our existence? Yes! I mented population, which is more coopera-
For what it’s worth, I believe that what as in Vietnam and the civil rights move- think life, or even human life in general, tive and sociable than the intelligentsia
there is to say about this matter is important ment, which are historical events that led to does not make history, but rather seeks it. It itself, has indeed made great strides to built
in terms of understanding the root of most privileges being threatened today. has no control over history’s judgments and groups from the bottom up and not the top
American intellectualism and its current Some intellectuals call themselves spiritual concerns, but, rather, there is the sudden down. These groups, from Amnesty
state, for there is a lot to say about the or religious in many ways. Many of them loss of radicalism that is prevalent because International even to church org a n i z a-
nature of the intellectual community. have formed extreme right-wing groups of those who would try to make history tions in Latin America, have made terrif-
However, what’s most important in under- that espouse issues like anti-abortion, anti- their own, rather than let history take its ic strides to take away support and leader-
standing this issue is the reality that this gay rights, illegal immigration, and even course. Create a point where history itself is ship from once highly authoritarian sys-
community (sometimes called “the per- Imperialism, like the divine purpose to help pulled away from that course, and what tems. With terrific voting outings, and
ceived intelligence”) has a significant Israel (regardless of its human rights atroc- happens is that historical contradictions vast support from the population, these
amount of control over the flow of informa- ities or its proliferation and use of weapons tend to become animated and spread groups manage to win elections and, in a
tion, including the media, as well as doctri- of mass destruction against the through the entire global network. In a way, way, bring stability back into their coun-
nal and state institutions. Most of them are Palestinians). However, what’s more the intellectuals’ ideals become historical try. Many times, the West looks at this
liberal intellectuals, meaning that they are important is that they claim benevolence contradictions in themselves, because, in a with scorn and disgust; they label it as a
either far right as Neoconservatives or cen- and altruism, yet what they actually do is sense, they cannot be realized, and what Socialist or radical group gaining power,
tered right as Democrats. A lot of them par- quite the opposite. These religious intellec- cannot be realized is control. But their suc- when on many occasions, it wasn’t them
take in American politics as though it tuals have distorted and fragmented what is, cess is one anyway because wealth spreads or the organization: it was the trade
weren’t of any importance to them. They in a sense, spiritual; some even call them- unevenly throughout the networks, and unions or representative counsels that
know that they stand to lose very little, selves atheists and claim to know what the people live in utter starvation while scores gained power. It was indeed the popula-
because the mechanisms by which this per- “spiritual” is. Though some may do so, I of countries put them in debt. So what can tion itself.
www.thestonybrookpress.com
55
Let’s Talk About the To the
Birds and the Bees Students
of SBU
By Shaun Bennett is the pledge. A solemn oath taken by education, while George Bush suggested
___________ young, delusional fucks who swear to increasing that figure to 204 million for
keep their “purity” until after their sacred the 2007 fiscal year. Since 1996 we have
Ah, yes, I remember my first sex-edu- vows. These are the virgin supremacists spent more than 1.1 billion dollars on the

(That’s
cation experience. I was in the fifth who stick their nose up at the dirty fun- unrealistic idea that we can convince the
grade, and let me tell you, listening about whores. Too bad for their egos, studies youth to wait until holy matrimony, and
wet dreams and erections was more than across the country have demonstrated that that’s just federal spending. To receive
my ten-year-old sense of humor could those who take these abstinence pledges this funding the states must follow eight
handle. Although the rest of the day my
class may have made provocative upward
gestures with their pencils that the young
are just as likely to indulge in intercourse
before marriage as those that don’t ,
although on average they wait 18 months
carefully crafted criteria, which say noth-
ing less than the stipulation that absti-
nence-until-marriage be taught as the
You, So
Listen,
ladies didn’t quite understand (they were longer to get in the game. What these “expected standard of human sexual
in another room, getting their own version sexual recluses do with these 18 months, a c t i v i t y.” Maybe concerned citizens
of “The Talk”), I walked out of school other than prayer of course, I do not should spend more time bitching about
that day actually having learned some- know. I do know, however, that they i n e ffective programs like these than pro-

Please)
thing valid. d o n ’t brush up on their sex education. grams that actually yield results like wel-
In our country today, however, there is Abstinence pledges are one third less fare.
a large push by the powers that be (you likely to use contraception when they suc- I think this push to revert back to sex-
know, that now lame-duck administra- cumb to the inevitable. Communities ual constraint is merely a glitch in the
tion) to eliminate sex education and push with large numbers of pledges, studies overall revolution. The majority of peo- By Thomas Lombardo
for an abstinence-until-marriage program. have shown, also have large numbers of ple are on the progressive side regarding ___________
Contraception is also under attack, with STDs. For all you science majors, this this issue, with a whopping 81% of
new laws allowing the refusal of “devout” means abstinence-only education and Americans favoring a more comprehen- Hi, my name is Thomas Lombardo. I
pharmacists to sell Plan B, and of course STDs have a direct relationship: when sive sex ed. regiment over abstinence- was recently elected as a USG Senator.
the ever-lasting right wing lament of one goes up, so does the other. only programs, according to a recent I would like to thank you all for voting.
abortion. To be blunt, a faction of our Pregnancies are also rampant in such sex- CNN poll. We’re a promiscuous society; I plan to serve you all well. Being a
society has declared a war on sex. A r e a c- ually repressed environments, similar to we love our sex – the Goddamn conser- part of USG is not as easy as people
tionary few have risen up against the tide the one we found in the 1980s. A simple vatives are not taking this one from us. think it is. There are a lot of headaches
of sexual liberation, to turn back the clock look at history will show you that teenage For a modern society to function the peo- that come along with this duty. As a
and force us back to repression. pregnancies decreased dramatically when ple must be informed. The taboo regard- USG Senator, I plan to do numerous
Let’s be honest, this is college, I don’t the first Clinton administration came to ing sex is dead. If we’re going to count- things to help out the school communi-
know many of my peers who still retain power in the 90s and promoted a more er epidemics like AIDS and teenage preg- t y.
the highly coveted v-card. Sex is neces- thorough sex ed. lesson plan. Teenage nancies then we have to sit down and talk As a USG Senator I plan to take in
sary (that’s why we have such pungent pregnancies are much higher in the about a reasonable way to prevent them. any proposals made by my fellow stu-
hormones, that’s why women have a United States than in other industrial Public policy should reflect three things: dents. I plan to look at them thorough-
monthly cycle, and that’s why we get the countries, due to more limited access to what will work, what the people want, ly and, if they are beneficial to the
dreaded blue balls), the need to procreate birth control here – another reason for and how the policy affects the rights of school, I will consider voting upon
is hard-wired into us. This notion of everyone across the pond to laugh in our the citizens. I don’t think the abstinence them. I plan to vote by the majority
eliminating our sex drive, or at least forc- country’s sad face. program even touches any of these cor- rule. I will not be in favor of a propos-
ing a sexual procrastination until mar- As Americans we are taught from a nerstones but with a new, democratic al just because my fellow Senators are.
riage, is doomed to fail. The sexual revo- young age that money is a powerful moti- senate and congress it looks like things I will not be scared to oppose anything.
lution of the 60s left us with the ability to vator, so where does that little chunk of are about to change. The students come first before any-
talk about sex: the cat’s out of the bag and change the feds always thing. I work to help you guys learn in
no one is shoving it back in. Sex is every- take from us go? a more fun and efficient school envi-
where, from the powerful marketing tool F o rgetting the fact that ronment.
that it is, to a favorite topic of conversa- the potential onset of I am a student before anything else. I
tion in any hallway in any school. The ignorance surrounding will not go against my fellow students
point is, ignoring this fact won’t make it sex in the years to come just for the Undergraduate Student
go away. Kids are being exposed to sex at could be devastating, Government. I plan to work as a whole
younger and younger ages, nothing short let’s just consider how with you guys. I consider myself equal
of a full-blown culture shift can change much of our fucking to every one of you students on cam-
that. Our goal should be to make sure money is being blown pus. It is prominent that you guys know
these kids are getting the facts, not the away on these inept bull- that I am approachable and down to lis-
fictions, of sex. It is imperative that our shit programs. W h i l e ten at any time. Don’t be afraid to have
youth understand the consequences of governor of Texas, King an idea. Sometimes ideas can trigger
unprotected sex, STDs, and the possibili- G e o rge allocated nearly something larg e r.
ty of pregnancy. It’s common sense that 20 million dollars to Once again I would like to say
the populace will enjoy the fruits of their abstinence only programs “Thank You” for voting for me, and
loins, but first they should be taught about after they had already you will not regret it. I plan to help
methods of birth control and protection. proven inefficient. After make this school a better place for you.
Condoms need to be out on the counter, his job title was tragically Like my campaign flyers said, “I Wa n t
and easily accessible, if not handed out (for us) boosted to presi- What You Wa n t . ”
directly in school. Methods like Plan B dent he upped the ante.
need to be readily available for ladies This year alone congress
responsible enough to take such immedi- threw down 170 million
ate counter-action. dollars to states and com-
Probably my favorite aspect of this munity groups to pro- S i n c e re l y,
whole abstinence until marriage scheme mote abstinence only Senator Thomas Lombardo

56
War and Peace Under Neoconservatism
sary to pass (aggressive policy) judgment on The Neoconservatives use “minorities” as ditional Jewish faith, Jews worldwide will be
By Natalie Schultz the cultures, peoples, or governments outside pawns in their New World Order agenda. able to live in peace.” The founder of Zionism,
___________ of America. But the Neoconservatives truly They think that the average American is noth- Theodor Herzl, who published the book The
believe that every other nation, people, culture, ing more than a fool whom they can blindly Jewish State in 1896, wrote in his diary, “It is
I hereby declare war on the war-mongering and government is wholly beneath our lead. They believe that the average minority is essential that the sufferings of Jews... become
Neocons. To borrow a quote from the “con- “American supremacy,” that we must institute just too dumb to ever realize the truth; the worse... this will assist in realization of our
fused conservative” Sean Hannity, “Let not aggressive policies in order to “democratize” Neoconservatives “support” minority rights plans... I have an excellent idea... I shall induce
your heart be troubled!” The truth of politics all outsiders to the American way. The excep- with the sole goal of recruiting them into their anti-Semites to liquidate Jewish wealth... The
is simple; there are three primary world-views: tion to their rule is Israel, whom they view as army that will lead to US-led world domina- anti-Semites will assist us thereby in that they
Social-Democratic liberalism, Libertarian- America’s only true ally and equal. tion. WAKE UP! Don’t allow these war-mon- will strengthen the persecution and oppression
Republican conservatism, and No matter what happens, they will always gers to blindly lead you; don’t accept their of Jews. The anti-Semites shall be our best
Neoconservatism. Within these spheres of friends.” (From his Diary, Part I, pp. 16) In
thought, individual interpretation runs from fact, their website documents that it was the
the center out, in one direction or the other, left Zionists who started the war against Jews in
(big government) or right (small government). Germany by deliberately organizing a world-
Neoconservatism has embraced the social- wide Jewish boycott of German goods before
conservative view of the world as morally Hitler even came to power; their aim was to
depraved and, in turn, has attempted to solve force Germany to react against the Jews so that
this “moral depravity” through the Marxist they could form an Israeli state in Palestine.
theory that big government can cure all human The cover article in the (London) Daily
ills. Neoconservatives are direct descendents Express on March 24, 1933, announced the
of Trotskyites, hardcore Socialists in opposi- “holy war” with the title “Judea Declares War
tion to Stalinism. They openly admit that their on Germany: Jews of All the World Unite in
political theories stem directly from the pure Action.” It was only after this that Hitler gave
Lenin-Bolshevism that led to the Russian his speech on March 28th ordering a boycott
Revolution and the destruction of the Russian of Jewish stores. Why? Because up until this
monarchy and the Orthodox Church. Being point German Jews had no interest in Zionism
Trotskyites (purists), it only makes sense that AFP or an Israeli state; the Zionists needed to scare
once Stalin came to power in Russia, the Israeli girls write messages on shells ready to be fired towards Hezbollah targets in southern Lebanon ordinary Jews into supporting the creation of
American communists would rebel as well Israel. The Zionist leaders secretly met with
(Trotsky and Stalin hated each other). These manage to find fault with every other nation on breadcrumbs of apathy. They don’t care about the German government on August 7th, 1933,
American Trotskyites joined the Democratic the planet for this reason or that, but when it “human rights.” They only care about Israel; to push for Jewish immigration to Palestine;
Party during the big-government era of FDR comes to Israel, even when Israeli children they write laws outlawing Christians from 60,000 Jews emigrated and $100 million was
and became virulent supporters of the anti- sign “messages of love” on the missiles about preaching against homosexuality when they transferred to Jewish Palestine. “For all intents
communist purge during the 1950s. They to be fired at Lebanon; even then, “It’s not themselves hate homosexuals! It is all a LIE, and purposes, the National Socialist govern-
were ardent supporters of every war since Israel’s fault; Israel is the victim and we must a FRONT to get all the “victims” of “White ment was the best thing to happen to Zionism
WWII, including Vietnam, and although they defend our only true democratic ally.” Christian domination” to side with their ulti- in its history, for it ‘proved’ to many Jews that
approved of all the big government spending Whenever someone points out facts of Israeli mate goal of annihilating all enemies of Zion. Europeans were irredeemably anti-Jewish and
and the civil rights movement, the 1960s ush- aggression, the Neoconservative media The truth IS out there, the truth WILL set you that Palestine was the only answer: Zionism
ered in an era of personal freedom that they monopoly immediately labels them an anti- free, but you must be willing to take the time came to represent the overwhelming majority
just could not handle. The Neoconservative Semite and Holocaust denier. Not only that, and fight to expose the truth! of Jews solely by trickery and cooperation
movement was ushered in by what can only be but they will go out of their way to dig up dirt I’m willing to fight this war: War of the with Adolf Hitler.” I wonder how long it will
deemed a group of “socialists against free on any such person to make them appear to be Words! Bring it on, baby! Bring it on! You take for the ADL to convince this website’s
love” or “communists against moral rela- a full-blown racist: all the “minorities” will degenerate, hackneyed, insolent dredge! Your ISP to shut them down for “hate crimes.”
tivism.” Viewing the Democrats as morally then hate them, too, and assume that anyone preposterous arrogance is nothing more than a If the Zionists were willing to deliberately
repugnant, some of these commies decided to who harbors sympathy for Palestinians or virulent stain on the history of mankind! You destroy the lives of their fellow Jews, can you
jump ship and join Reagan’s campaign in the decries Zionism is inherently evil. Case in can’t stop us from exposing the TRUTH, try honestly trust them to lead the world and “pro-
1970s. By the early 1980s the original handful point: Pat Buchanan. He is a staunch conser- as you might, you Illuminati fascists, hiding tect human rights”? Unfortunately, the con-
of Neoconservatives increased significantly as vative; the first person to point out the destruc- behind your “hate laws” written by your Anti- cept of a necessary Zionist State is no longer
they brought in more of their disillusioned tive agenda of the Neoconservatives and leave Defamation League of B’nai B’rith’s Center just a Jewish belief but is growing in populari-
comrades from the Democrat and Socialist the Republican Party because of it. He was for Human Rights and Public Policy. You ty amongst many extremely conservative
Parties. labeled a racist and anti-Semite by the defame our country and our Constitution! Our born-again Christian sects; this is no accident,
In our age of “political correctness” the con- Neoconservative media. Their propaganda Founding Fathers knew full well you would I’m pretty sure. Irving Kristol notes the “unex-
cept of “multiculturalism” has become de worked: most Americans just assume that he is someday creep out of the woodwork and pected alliance between Neoconservatives and
rigeur. However, there are three distinct inter- a bona fide racist and toss him off as a right- attempt to destroy everything they believed in religious traditionalists.” The truth must be
pretations of the term “multiculturalism”: the wing hack. However, the truth is that he is not and fought for; that is why they wrote the Bill exposed before there is no turning back: we
Social-Democratic interpretation seems to be a racist; his vice-presidential running mate in of Rights: to protect us from YOU! cannot continue our foreign policy based on
that the majority culture should be sacrificed to 2000 was an African-American woman! Most To fight against the Neoconservatives and protecting Israel; that is why the rest of the
the minority cultures (even though the Social- people don’t know that, since the their Zionist New World Order is NOT anti- world hates us. The Neoconservatives state
Democrats in power are themselves of the Neoconservative media wouldn’t allow the Semitic; in fact, many Jews believe that the that the United States is a “great power” whose
“majority” culture and never give up their elite truth to be told because Buchanan’s sole mis- state of Israel itself goes against their own “national interest is not geographical but ideo-
ways). The Libertarian-Conservative interpre- sion is to get our country out of the hands of beliefs. The Central Rabbinical Congress of logical” that our “foreign policy has more
tation is that everyone is equal, and therefore, the Neoconservatives, to stop our policy of the USA and Canada “deplores Zionism as a extensive interests than our own defense.”
no one individual should have to give up war at all costs, and to limit the interference of complete falsification of Jewish tradition and Finally, they say that we must use our “incred-
his/her own culture to that of anyone else. The government in the lives of individuals. The values.” There is even a website run by the ible military superiority… to defend Israel
Neoconservative interpretation is that “multi- Neoconservatives fear Buchanan more than True Torah Jews dedicated to fighting the today, when its survival is threatened. No com-
culturalism” is an absolute, concrete anyone because they know that he knows Zionist fallacy: plicated geopolitical calculations of national
“American” culture that cannot be questioned exactly what their agenda is, having worked in www.jewsagainstzionism.com. They state: “It interest are necessary.” Talk about New World
or interpreted in any way other than as both Reagan’s and Bush the First’s administra- is our firm belief that when the state of ‘Israel’ Order! The Neoconservatives don’t even want
“supreme.” For the most part, neither the lib- tions and having seen first-hand how the is recognized for what it is, a Zionist state to consider the geo-political consequences of
erals nor the true conservatives feel it neces- Neoconservatives manipulated our country. which is not guided by the teachings of the tra- our actions! I guess might makes right.

57
Does HIV Really Cause AIDS?
By Matthew Rammelkamp 'liberated' lifestyle began to rear its ugly head Now all researchers had to do was promise to on retrovirology. Dr. Duesberg was skeptical
___________ and headlines began to emerge about a 'gay search for a vaccine or treatment and they of Gallo's claim from day one. He says that
disease' starting in 1981. It was first thought could get funding. Gallo's claim would have been the first time
AIDS has been called the plague of the to be caused by behavior unique to homosex- Dr. Robert Gallo (National Cancer in the history of human or animal biology that
century and betrayed as some sort of uals. But soon, similar conditions began Institute) and Dr. M. Essex (Harvard AIDS a retrovirus could be the cause of a disease.
medieval nightmare. We've been told it can appearing in IV drug users and hemophiliacs. Institute) were the first to suggest that "AIDS For the next few years, Dr. Duesberg
strike anyone and everyone is at risk, it has no Gay Related Immune Deficiency (GRID), as might be caused by a retrovirus" as early as researched every single scientific publication
boundaries. For over 15 years now, AIDS has it was called, was thought to actually be an 1982. Keep in mind that Gallo's prior work at on HIV and AIDS. When his conclusions
terrorized social America and we have spent infectious disease that might spread through- the NCI failed to prove his theory that retro- came out On March 1st, 1987, in Cancer
40 billion dollars and mobilized the greatest out the entire population. This threat of a viruses caused cancer. He also failed to show Research Magazine, he stood alone against
scientific research effort in the history of deadly infectious disease that could be spread they caused Alzheimer’s Disease. Gallo the tide of public opinion and the govern-
man. In fact, the "War against AIDS" has by sexual contact was sensationalized by believed to have found the retrovirus HTLV ment-funded AIDS Industry. He argues that
spent more money and utilized more scientif- both the media, as well as enraged gay III to be the one that destroys T-cells. He HIV is not causing AIDS; and that HIV is a
ic talent than it took to land on the moon. All activists who demanded action by the gov- approached the head of U.S. Secretary of harmless passenger virus that has lived in
this, while focusing on fighting a microscop- ernment. Threats in the media that this dis- Health and Human Services Margaret humans for centuries without causing dis-
ic enemy (the HIV virus) for over twenty ease could be acquired by anyone sexually Heckler to set up a press conference. On April eases. He believes that AIDS is caused by
years with no success. So why has AIDS were now beginning to frighten everyone, not 23, 1984, Heckler claims "We have found the other non-infectious factors like drug use, and
research failed? Could it possibly be that just homosexual males. Suddenly, immune cause of AIDS: HTLV III." At the same time ironically enough, AZT, the AIDS drug. That
"AIDS research has not failed because it deficiencies found common in only IV drug the press conference was going on, the blood might come to a shock to those of you who
never found a cure...AIDS research has failed users, homosexual males, hemophiliacs, test used to detect HIV was being patented, trust pharmaceutical companies: AIDS drugs
because it never found the cause!" as many blood transfusion patients, and advanced TB which would earn Gallo large royalties. Thus causing AIDS itself?! Stick with me...
respected researchers have been claiming patients, became linked together in a microbi- the AIDS Industry was born. Heckler claimed Many of Duesberg's colleagues studied his
ever since the beginning (including the guy ological search for a common cause. The col- that a vaccine ready for testing would be research and have come to the same conclu-
who invented HIV). Yup that's right - hun- lective condition was transformed to ready by 1986. Everyone was happy that the sion. Among those are Nobel Prize winners
dreds of researchers worldwide have claimed Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, or cause had been found, especially gay
HIV is NOT the cause of AIDS. This claim AIDS. As the fear of AIDS spread, and bath activists, who were pleased the government
At the San Francisco International
has constantly been dismissed by the govern- houses in San Francisco began to close, The had responded and would do something for
AIDS Conference in 1990, Dr. Luc
ment, suppressed in the media, and censored Department of Health came under fire to find them. But before the announcement, Gallo
Montagnier (the French guy who discov -
and suppressed (note: not disputed) by the the cause and cure quickly. The public was had bypassed a major checkpoint in scientif-
ered HIV) claimed "HIV Might be
political-economic powers of the AIDS willing to believe that science could find a ic discoveries: he had not submitted his test
Benign" (harmless). He obviously made
industry. If HIV is NOT the cause of AIDS, quick fix. The funding began to roll in and the results for peer review! Now no one had a
these statements against his own inter -
we are letting millions of people die of a dis- huge army of virus-hunters who had been chance to critique or verify his claim, and his
ests, owning half the rights to the patent
ease while looking in the wrong direction. We unemployed by the unsuccessful cancer/virus test results were not published in Science
on the HIV tests.
would be wasting billions of dollars, tortured program went back to work. magazine until one week after the press con-
countless animals without justification, and Scientists speculate (and I'm not disagree- ference. We are talking about a major viola-
would have committed the worst scientific ing here) that AIDS patients lack the ability to tion of scientific protocol here. Shortly after, like Dr. Walter Gilbert, Biochemistry Dept,
blunder of the 21st century. To understand fight infection due to a shortage of T-cells that researchers began to attack Gallo. Moreso, an Harvard (Nobel Prize, 1980) and Dr. Kary
why HIV has become the target of the cam- co-ordinate immunity. In an AIDS patient, the International Lawsuit from France charged Mullis (invented Polymerase Chain Reaction,
paign against AIDS, it's important to look level of T-cells (cells that help white blood Gallo with scientific misconduct, because the or P.C.R., Nobel Prize, 1993). And still,
back in history. cells produce antibodies to fight off infection) Institute Pasteur claimed that Gallo had stole Duesberg's arguments in Cancer Research
is below 200 per microliter of blood. In a the discovery of Dr. Luc Montagnier, who have still to this day never been responded to
healthy person, the level of T-Cells is about had sent LTV (HTLV III) samples to Dr. by Gallo or anyone else. A group of 12 of
600-1200 per microliter of blood plasma. Gallo six months earlier. This issue was set- these scientists created The Group for
“HIV MIGHT BE Someone with AIDS has levels too low that tled diplomatically between Ronald Reagan Scientific Reappraisal of the HIV/AIDS
when the patient gets an infectious disease and French President Jacques Chirac. Due to Hypothesis. The group wrote a statement
[HARMLESS]” such as the flu, pneumonia, or tuberculosis, the settlement, the name of the virus was questioning Gallo's bold conclusions and ask-
their white blood cells cannot fight off the changed to an internationally recognized ing for more independent research on HIV
Dr. Montagnier infection. Eventually the immune system gets "HIV" and the profits from the blood tests and AIDS. They wrote letters to practically
Co-discoverer of HIV ravaged by disease and will succumb to was agreed to be split between Montagnier every medical journal asking that their four-
death. The official stance today is that the and Gallo. sentence long statement be printed; each time
Following the depression of the 1930's and retrovirus HIV is what destroys T-cells and It is now believed by the public that in it was rejected. This made them angry, and
WWII, America entered a new era of technol- thus what leads to AIDS. But that will be order to get AIDS, you MUST be infected they sought out to expand the list. It soon
ogy and prosperity, as well as society chang- debated as you read on. with HIV. However in Gallo's own original became 100 signatures and by 1994 reached
ing as people were having more time for But is HIV really what is killing T-cells? In test results (in Science magazine, Vol. 224, 600; of these 188 had advanced degrees. The
recreation and self realization. We conquered the beginning, a lot of other causes where May 4 1984), only 44 of 93 AIDS patients group of scientists has operated a newsletter
polio, the last great infectious epidemic of the suspected, such as hard drugs that we know tested actually had the HIV virus. But Gallo and website for years now. Thus, many in the
modern world. New antibiotics emerged, giv- today to cause immunity suppression: heroin, claimed to be able to reproduce tests where scientific community (including experts on
ing cures for everything from minor infec- cocaine, poppers, barbiturates, speed, PCP, up to 90% of AIDS patients had HIV, as did virus' like HIV) have questioned the
tions to venereal disease. With the emergence LSD. Other causes: Malnutrition, repeated some other researchers, and thus it was soon HIV/AIDS hypothesis from day one.
of birth control came the sexual revolution; infection, overuse of antibiotics, and emo- internationally accepted by most that HIV At the San Francisco International AIDS
freeing the public from age old fears and tional distress. However these behavior-ori- must have something to do with AIDS. Conference in 1990, Dr. Luc Montagnier (the
norms. Homosexuality found more freedom ented characteristics where political incorrect Now let’s meet one of the most outspoken French guy who discovered HIV) claimed
and acceptance as gays came out of the clos- to gay activists; who would never want to critics on the HIV/AIDS hypothesis. Dr. "HIV Might be Benign" (harmless). He obvi-
et and formed their own subculture. During admit that AIDS could be self-inflicted. At Peter Duesberg Ph.D. was the first man to ously made these statements against his own
the Vietnam era of the sixties, recreational the same time, researchers need money and map the genes in viruses (like HIV) in the interests, owning half the rights to the patent
drug use skyrocketed among the young and promised results on being able to find a cure National Cancer Program at UC Berkley in on the HIV tests. But the conference atten-
would continue to grow. Yet we remained for an infectious disease, just like we did with the 1970's. His memberships include dees were too brainwashed and kept going on
optimistic that we could solve all our prob- polio and so many others. So, the decision National Academy of Sciences due to his dis- talking about new antiviral drug treatments.
lems through our new faith in science and was made politically, not scientifically, and covery of cancer-causing genes. Having Why is the scientific community (really,
technology. the infectious epidemic model of AIDS was researched retroviruses for over 30 years,
Before long, the consequences of this new accepted (over the behavior-related model). many have called him the world’s best expert Continued on next page

58
Does HIV Really Cause AIDS? (continued)
Continued from previous page cles become dormant and begin to disappear. cases every year, HIV must be an old virus. The best explanation for this is that HIV does
HIV infects only 1 out of 1,000-100,000 T- HIV must have been infecting every genera- not cause AIDS, and that in Africa, there is
only those who write scientific journals and cells. T-cells can reproduce at a rate of 5% per tion for centuries, without causing AIDS. widespread malnutrition, parasitic infection,
who dictate what is taught in schools) ignor- day. Therefore, even if HIV killed T-cells, it Duesberg claims HIV probably came into poor sanitation and other conditions causing
ing such credible scientists? "Too many peo- does not infect enough cells at a time to lower America with the first immigrants, and that immune deficiency. Those that test HIV pos-
ple are making too much money off of it" T-cell count and bring down the immune sys- anyone who has antibodies to it today, has itive and die of immune conditions are thus
claims Dr. Charles Thomas, Fmr. Harvard tem. This is a notorious flaw in the gotten it parentally; from their mothers, not counted amongst official AIDS statistics. In
Professor and Founder of the Group for HIV/AIDS hypothesis that supporters even from dirty needles or unsafe sex. the U.S. and Europe, where malnutrition is
Scientific Reappraisal of the HIV/AIDS claim has loose change. This is the reason it not a problem but where IV drugs are avail-
Hypothesis. Dr. Thomas has learned that after has been so hard to isolate the HIV virus (and 7. HIV fails Koch's Postulates. able and used mostly among males, we have
two decades of his group being denied pub- thus create a vaccine for it); because it is so The universal test used by scientists to 90% of immune deficiency among males,
licity, "...money is much stronger than truth." rare and hard to find. determine if a disease is being caused by an those of which who are HIV positive are
So...now you know why contesting the infection was developed over 100 years ago counted amongst official AIDS statistics. One
HIV/AIDS hypothesis has failed to overcome 4. HIV has no AIDS-causing Gene. by Robert Koch, The Father of Bacteriology. incentive for African countries to report
the scientific community. Now it's time you All retroviruses have only three major Koch's Postulates states that 1) the organ- deaths from diarrhea or poor sanitation as
(the public) learn 10 Scientific Reasons HIV genes, GAG, ENV, and POL, and six minor ism/virus must be found in all cases of the "AIDS" is to get money from the United
does NOT cause AIDS, and What the REAL genes. The amount of and sequences of genes disease, 2) you can isolate the organism and Nations or World Health Organization.
causes of AIDS could be. It will also explain in retroviruses is so limited, so they need all then 3) inject it into a new healthy host, and it
why conventional sex does not spread AIDS the genes to replicated. HIV is almost geneti- causes the same disease in the new host, and 10. AIDS occurs without HIV infection
and why clean needles or condoms will do lit- cally identical to all other retroviruses. There 4) it must be found growing in the newly-dis- and most people with HIV never develop
tle or nothing to stop AIDS. are 50-100 different retroviruses that can be eased host. HIV fails part one because 10- AIDS.
found in every healthy human body. HIV 20% of all AIDS patients have no HIV at all. The evidence in support of the HIV/AIDS
There are over 100,000 studies on reacts no different than any of these in the When HIV is found, it is only in tiny amounts hypothesis is based SOLELY on correlation.
HIV/AIDS and there is not one that way it mutates, becomes dormant, and re- and is dormant. HIV fails part three because Correlation does NOT mean causation. In the
has direct proof that HIV causes activates. If none of these other retroviruses when health care workers accidentally are beginning, the official statistics showed that
AIDS. - Dr. Peter Duesberg Ph.D., cause AIDS, why should HIV? If HIV DOES infected they rarely get AIDS (unless they use there were 4,621 cases of those who have
National Academy of Sciences, many cause AIDS, why DON'T all the rest? recreational drugs or AZT!). died of AIDS but were found to be HIV neg-
have called him the worlds best expert ative. Since then, the official definition of
on retrovirology. 5. There is no such thing as a slow virus. 8. AIDS has remained in its original risk AIDS was created to eliminate every case of
HIV is said to be a "slow virus" that takes groups for over 12 years; and different risk AIDS without HIV. So as Dr. Richard
10-12 years after infection to cause AIDS. groups develop different diseases. Strohman, Ph.D., Fmr. Professor of Cell
The only way to explain this would be to give If a disease does not spread, it must be Biology at UC Berkeley says, "If you ignore
10 Scientific Reasons HIV does NOT HIV magical abilities to reactivate, mutate, caused by something non-infectious. CDC all the cases where there isn't a correlation;
cause AIDS migrate, and hibernate. Supporters of the studies show that AIDS is not spreading [of course] there is a correlation...it's a self-
slow virus myth base their hypothesis on among the population at large and it is locked fulfilling prophecy...it's not scientific" So,
1. HIV (like all other viruses) is harmless studies of Epstein Barr, which they thought among its original risk groups; homosexual when someone dies of one or more of 30 spe-
after antibody immunity. would include a cancer infection 10 years males (62%), IV drug users (32%), hemo- cific diseases and are HIV positive, they are
The HIV test does not test for presence or later, or herpes viruses, that reemerge in per- philiacs (1%), and transfusion patients (2%) said to have died of AIDS. But when some-
proliferation of HIV, or if it is attacking cells. sons who have suppressed immunity and [CDC, Pharmac. Therm. Vol. 55, 1992]. one dies of one or more of 30 specific previ-
The test shows if you have antibodies for the can't generate a sufficient defense. These both Although HIV is evenly spread among men ously known diseases, but are found HIV
virus. If you have antibodies to chickenpox or differ from HIV because large amounts of and women 50/50, AIDS cases are 90% male, negative, they die of that specific disease, be
the measles, it means you had it already. The active virus can be found causing specific 10% female [U.S. Army 1985-1996]. This it pneumonia or TB. Those patients are NOT
virus is either eliminated or lays inactive in symptoms. In HIV, there are no symptoms could explain why drug use is more related to counted among the AIDS statistics and the
your body and will never make you sick until 10 years later. In total contrast, HIV is AIDS than HIV infection: In the U.S., males data is skewed to create a perfect correlation:
again because your body has the antibodies to inactive but said to cause 30 different dis- use over 80% of all hard psychoactive drugs. everyone who dies of AIDS had HIV. The
fight it if it begins to proliferate. Thus, when eases 10 years later; none specific to HIV Among women with AIDS, approximately WHO estimated in 1996 that 28.1 million
a person tests "HIV positive" this actually itself (some of those diseases, all of which are 60% use hard drugs also. people worldwide were HIV infected, and
means they are now immune to the virus. previously known include: strongyloldosis, there were only 1.4 million AIDS cases.
This is why we give people vaccines, so that aspergillosis, cryptococcosis, histoplasmosis, IV Drug Users who are HIV positive and Therefore, 95% of those with HIV do not
our bodies can produce antibodies against herpes simplex, Kaposi’s sarcoma, toxoplas- die of AIDS develop Tuberculosis, have AIDS.
infectious diseases. No known viruses can mosis, lymphoma, cytomegalovirus, Pneumonias, and Wasting Syndrome, where-
proliferate faster than the body can produce leukoanceophalopathy, cryptosporidiosis, as gay males (who do a lot of poppers) devel- Furthermore, the list of diseases that AIDS
antibodies to fight it off, and no known virus dementia). Viruses cause disease days, or op Kaposi's Sarcoma and Cytomegalovirus. encompasses has increased over the years,
has been found to cause an illness ONLY weeks or at the very most, after infection - The slow, wasting deaths of heroin addicts and has skewed the data to make it look like
AFTER the antibodies have done their job. how long is a direct function of the "genera- and other drug addicts have been document- the number of AIDS cases is actually increas-
Very rarely some infectious viruses can re- tion time" which is how long it takes the virus ed in medical literature since 1898. What is ing. Whereas dying of one of 10 diseases and
infect the host, but none of them do this to infect the cell and generate new virus par- interesting is that these same diseases are having HIV was considered an AIDS death,
ONLY AFTER antibodies are present. ticles. present in those risk groups WITH OR today one of 30 diseases and having HIV is
WITHOUT HIV. Drug users also loose the sufficient to count in official statistics as an
2. HIV does not kill the T-cells it infects. 6. HIV is not a new virus, so it could not same T-cells as those who are HIV positive. AIDS death. By increasing the number of
Because HIV infects T-cells, it was cause a "new" epidemic. AIDS cases to make it look like an epidemic,
thought that HIV was killing them. But only AIDS cases have increased exponentially 9. The International profile of AIDS AIDS researchers, AIDS charities, the United
under rare laboratory conditions do retro- ever since 1981. But HIV cases have stayed patients is inconsistent. Nations, WHO, and third-world countries all
viruses kill their host cells. In fact, HIV at roughly one million ever since the Center A germ related disease would affect popu- can demand or expect an increase in funding.
researchers use T-cells to grow the virus for Disease Control started testing in 1995. lations consistently. In the U.S., AIDS But if you question the official hypothesis,
because T-cells live compatibly with HIV. So for the last decade, we've had approxi- patients are 90% male 10% female. In Africa you are threatening a lot of people with some
mately the same number of people measured AIDS patients are 50% male 50% female. In serious money. You are also frightening reli-
3. HIV does not infect enough T-cells to with HIV. Farr's Law of dating viruses states the U.S., 97% of AIDS cases are among risk gious conservatives who can use the fear of
cause AIDS. that an infectious virus will spread exponen- groups. In Africa, it affects people at random AIDS to promote abstinence. That's not to
Shortly after HIV is brought under control tially in a population (like a seasonal flu epi- and there are no risk groups. Why does AIDS
by the antibodies, the billions of virus parti- demic). If we've had the same number of HIV react differently in the Industrialized world? Continued on next page

59
Does HIV Really Cause AIDS? (continued)
Continued from previous page
colon become inflamed, accompanied by and thus it is possible that it was these that treated with AZT.
diarrhea and malnutrition. Foreign proteins were actually causing immunosuppression, Studies show that physicians are less like-
say that I really believe that either of them are found in sperm have been found to be not HIV. The most alarming observation ly to question authority than other profession-
"in on a conspiracy." I just think that this is a immune-suppressant. It has been suggested about this study shows a huge spike in deaths als. As long as the HIV/AIDS theory is the
big gigantic scientific blunder, which many that when they enter the blood, they can trig- among HIV positive hemophiliacs, around official stance of the American Medical
researchers and charities are too close-mind- ger an autoimmune reaction, where the bod- 1984, and more exaggerated in 1988. 1984 is Association and U.S. Department of Health,
ed to open up for discussion because they ies’ immune system turns upon itself. Small when hemophiliacs started to be tested for physicians will not question it. If HIV is
know they benefit from the myth too much. If cuts on the penis are routes by which infec- HIV and told if they had HIV. Since emotion- harmless and AZT is what is causing patients
we continue to put all our eggs in one basket, tion can spread to the person on the giving al distress has been known to cause immuno- to die, physicians will probably be the last to
and continue to fail to produce any meaning- end. The use of condoms can protect against suppression, can there be an effect from the know. AIDS deaths from those on AZT are
ful research to help people with AIDS, and if these foreign proteins from entering the fear, terrorization, and diagnosis of death one 25% higher than those not on the drugs. And
we ignore what could be the true causes blood, but is still not enough to protect the has when told they have HIV and will die of at the International AIDS Conference in
(drugs), we are allowing 100's of 1000's of recipient from rectal tearing, which still AIDS? Furthermore, the 1988 exponential Berlin in 1993, it was admitted AZT was inef-
people to die from preventable causes each exposes them to chemicals used as lubricants. spike can easily be explained by the introduc- fective in preventing AIDS among HIV posi-
year. Is it possible that lots of anal sex that pro- tion and increased access to the first major tives.
I'm not completely sure. But based on how duces infections in the anus can possible AIDS drug, AZT. Tremendous pressure is put on women to
it probably isn't HIV means we should shift cause AIDS? This is very possible; especially How AIDS Drugs Cause AIDS: AZT was get HIV-tested and to be treated with AZT if
the funding to finding out the true cause of when done in connection with heavy drug a poisonous chemotherapy drug that was they are found to be HIV positive. This has
AIDS. But here is what Duesberg and others use. banned because it destroyed the immune sys- been found to cause abortion, malformed
hypothesize (but aren't boldly claiming with- tems of cancer patients too badly. In 1987, heads, extra fingers and toes, and holes in
out concrete proof, unlike Gallo did): Drugs "If HIV is NOT the cause of AIDS, when the AIDS scare was at its height, the vital organs like the heart. Even if we are to
are the cause of AIDS in 9 out of 10 cases. we are letting millions of people die of FDA was pressured to re-approve the drug, say that HIV could be dangerous, it still does
Since 1981, there has been an increase in the a disease while looking in the wrong this time for those with HIV/AIDS. It is even not make sense to feed AZT to pregnant
cocaine and heroin use in the U.S. [use, over- direction. We would be wasting bil - prescribed for people who are healthy, and mothers and their babies. Within 12-18
doses, and hospital visit data, CDC], and the lions of dollars and would have com - have no sign of AIDS (but are HIV positive). months after birth, 40-90% of babies who test
correlation between these drugs and AIDS mitted the worst scientific blunder of It does not cure AIDS, and is only supposed HIV positive at birth are later HIV negative,
cases correlate pretty well. Whereas, the cor- the 21st century." to slow the progression. It does this by because they develop their own immune sys-
relation between HIV and AIDS does not. destroying all cells randomly. AZT destroys tem. Mothers who refuse to take AZT or giv-
HIV has remained affecting 1 million people Many gay AIDS patients (the promiscuous the genes and cells, especially in the bone ing it to their baby can find their physician
every year, and AIDS has skyrocketed from and sexually active ones) have multiple infec- marrow where white blood cells are made. calling Child Protection Services and having
zero to half a million over a decade. Unlike tions of gonorrhea, syphilis, hepatitis A and These are the very cells that AIDS patients them arrested and jailed. Worst of all, their
HIV, we have a pretty good idea of how drugs B, herpes, cytomegalovirus, and other dis- need the most yet they are being destroyed by babies can be taken away from them indefi-
suppress the immune system. It should be no eases. To combat these repeated infections, "AIDS drugs"! Yup - that's a good name for nitely and placed into foster homes and sub-
awakening revelation to us all that hard gays take huge amounts of antibiotics (which them; call them what they are: AIDS Drugs. mitted to AZT. Adopted children are usually
drugs, especially drugs that "speed" you up are drugs!), which also wear down the AZT destroys bone marrow, kidneys, liver, tested for HIV before entering the U.S., and
and make you able to stay awake for days, immune system. In retrospect, it is not all gay intestines, muscle tissue, the brain, and cen- many have been forcibly put on AZT and
have an adverse effect on your immune sys- males who are at risk for AIDS, but just those tral nerve system. Because HIV infects 1 out have since died as a result.
tem. It's like owning a car and once a week, who are living one type of gay lifestyle: the of 1,000 T-cells, 999 healthy t-cells must die Other newer AIDS drugs, like ddI and ddC
driving it 160 mph for days straight without fast-track, heavy drug use, and sexually to kill 1 HIV-infected cell. Even the drug lit- are similar to AZT; in the same class of
rest. Of course the car isn't going to last as promiscuous one. These make up a very erature itself admits that AZT causes this. "chain terminators." The newest types of
long as if you were to drive it 60 mph! So far small percentage of gay males. AZT clinical trials were an abysmal failure treatment for AIDS are Protease Inhibitors,
no long term studies on drug use and AIDS OK, what accounts for the other 1 out of and even FDA Toxicologist requested that which are supposed to prevent the virus from
has been conducted even though hard drug 10 AIDS Cases besides recreational drug AZT not be approved. However, AIDS detaching from the cell, so that it cannot
users who loose the same T-cells as AIDS use? activists won a "victory" by getting the FDA reproduce and affect new cells.
patients, and who develop the same diseases Why the AIDS correlation between blood to approve AZT. AZT costs a patient an Pharmaceutical corporations that produce
as AIDS patients. But what we have done is transfusion patients and hemophiliacs? It is a expensive $8,000-12,000 a year, mostly paid protease inhibitors, like Hoffman-LaRoche
promoted hard drug use by passing out clean medical fact that the more blood you receive for by the tax-payer. The maker of AZT was (Saquinavir), Abbot Labs (Ritonavir), and
needles and telling addicts it’s OK to do drugs during a medical procedure, the less your Glaxo Wellcome, today GlaxoSmithKline, Merck (Indinavir), all announce their drugs at
as long as you don't get HIV. chance of survival. About half of all transfu- who have generated sales of over a billion press conferences (and see skyrocketing
Why are 60% of AIDS patients in the U.S. sion patients die within one year after receiv- dollars a year just from AZT! A bottle of AZT share-prices starting that day) rather than
gay males? There are two possible reasons. ing a transfusion. It's the same reason your costs $5 to make but is sold at $500 and the publish their research for scientific review.
First, let’s look at drug use. It's amazing that body will reject the organ from a non-human markup is subsidized by the taxpayers. AZT Dr. Duesberg has researched extensively and
96% of all gay males have used one drug that animal, or why there may be a risk for foreign tricks patients, because initially it creates a says he found "no clinical benefits of these
was available legally, known by many as proteins found in sperm or feces getting into small increase in the amount of T-cells. protease inhibitors whatsoever."
'poppers' or nitrate inhalants. In addition, the blood system. In order for your immune Duesberg explains, "when you go on AZT, it Well I hope that sort of helps everyone
90% use marijuana, 50-70% amphetamines, system to be healthy, your body would like starts destroying your bone marrow, and your think about what other scientists are saying
40-60% LSD, 25% barbiturates, 10% heroin, your own blood and it wants it to be clean. immune system says overproduce as much as and If you feel compelled at all to question
50-60% cocaine, etc, etc. , Poppers are knows The risk of AIDS in transfusion patients you can...and for a while people start produc- other things you hear from pharmaceutical
to cause Kaposi’s Sarcoma, a rare form of directly corresponds with how much blood ing more [T-cells] than they did before the companies, the media, or the government,
skin cancer that affects around the nose, they received and the condition of their ill- treatment [AZT]. As Dr. Charles Thomas, Jr., your welcome to explore myspace.com/fight-
lungs, throat, and skin. It is found very high ness; but not whether or not the person's Ph.D., explains, "All toxic substances, initial- bigpharma or www.newstarget.com,
in gay men not infected with HIV. blood they received had HIV (antibodies) in ly, administer a positive response for a little www.medicinereform.com. More info on
Next, let’s look at the preferred method it. Duesberg claims that specifically, it is for- while, for example...making a person AIDS specifically can be found at The Group
that many gays have sex: anal intercourse. eign proteins found in clotting factor VIII that stronger and healthier, for example, low level for Scientific Reappraisal of the HIV/AIDS
Whereas the vaginal tissue lining is 3 layers have a dose-response in suppressing immuni- doses of radiation...ethylene chloride [etc], Hypothesis’s website, rethinkaids.com or
thick, the anal tissue lining is only one layer ty among hemophiliacs. A British study (the produce a lengthening of a lifespan of virusmyth.net, You can also type in “AIDS
thick. During sex, the anus tears and foreign Darby Study) on HIV/AIDS and hemophili- rodents...higher doses of course will kill hoax” in Amazon for books, you can watch a
viruses along with semen and bacteria have a acs seems to support the HIV/AIDS theory them." Duesberg says that within a year or good film on Google video called
direct route into the blood. Contamination by showing an increase in deaths among two, those on AZT die from it. Worldwide, “Deconstructing the AIDS Myth” by Gary
with feces and bacteria has been blamed for hemophiliacs testing HIV positive, but the 200,000 people, many who are not sick and Null. The information is out there, so research
'gay bowel syndrome' where the rectum and study failed to control for the foreign proteins who have no AIDS symptoms, are being it more and learn the truth.

60
The Negative Zone - Comic Book News and Reviews
My rating: 8/10 Stamford. While the premise is nothing new, the execution
is commendable. Guggenheim gives fans what they want,
Amazing Spider-Man with Wolverine getting stabbed, cut, disintegrated and
#529-538 nearly decapitated, and always coming back to dish out
more than he took. The art is by Humberto Ramos
Wow, what can I say? (Impulse) and is a little distracting. At first I didn’t like it:
Time and time again, J. the proportions are off and perspective is screwed. Still,
Michael Straczynski after a few issues, it grew on me. It was a nice change
(Babylon 5, Fantastic from the norm.
Four) shows that he can
write an amazing story for My rating: 9/10
the Amazing Spider-Man.
Straczynski goes heavy on Civil War: X-Men #1-4
the internal dialogue, but
that’s always been a Don’t read it. Trust me, it’s not worth stealing. I want-
Spider-Staple. He shows us ed to tear my eyes out as I trudged my way through this
Dave Sands a conflicted man, strug- four-issue mini-series. ‘Nuff said.
Civil War Frontline #1 by John Watson gling to make sense of a
By Dave Sands war where he is caught in My rating: 1/10
___________ the middle, a man who wants to follow the law but who
doesn’t want to betray the friends he’s counted on for She-Hulk #8
Civil War years. I don’t want to give too much away, but Civil War
has seen a major change in Peter Parker’s life. The art is Dan Slott (Great Lakes Avengers: Misassembled, The
When a brash young superhero team in Stamford, CT great, done by Ron Garney (Uncanny X-men, Fantastic Thing) is one of my favorite authors. I’ve loved his work
confronts villains that are out of their league on national Four). We see a whole new look for Peter, without losing on She-Hulk from the first issue. But the one-issue tie-in
TV, it results in the death of 600 people, including 60 chil- any of his Spider-Charm. The contortions and action is just not necessary. Slott tells a good story about two for-
dren. America is outraged. Congress passes the sequences, including an epic battle between Spidey and mer New Warriors trying to shut down an Internet hate
Superhuman Registration Act, requiring all powered Captain America, show off Garney’s talent. site. She-Hulk, the big green lawyer, agrees to take the
beings to register their identities with the government or case. Read it if you are a She-Hulk fan or have a need for
risk apprehension. The heroes are split. Some, led by My rating: 10/10 completeness; otherwise, it’s not really worth picking up.
Captain America, fight against what they see as an erosion The art by Paul Smith (Uncanny X-Men, Dr. Strange) is
of civil liberties. Others, led by Iron Man, fight to bring in Fantastic Four #536-543 pretty average.
these rebels and enforce the new law. With a seven-issue
main title and a dozen or so tie-in series, Civil War is ubiq- Straczynski again. I love this man’s work, I’ll admit. My rating: 7/10
uitous in the Marvel Universe. But don’t worry; you don’t While ASM was about one man’s struggle to come to
have to read them all to know what’s going on. terms with war, Fantastic Four is about a family’s struggle. Thunderbolts #103-105
Considering these days comics are $3 a pop, not everyone We see a family fall apart as the differences between hus-
can afford the ten to twenty comics a month just to keep band and wife become far too apparent. The action is min- Fabian Nicieza (Cable & Deadpool, X-Force) brings us
up with all these events. So here, in the premiere of the imal, but Fantastic Four is more about family dynamics a group of reformed villains trying to make good, under
Negative Zone, I’ll give you the rundown on which series than action. Mike McKone’s (Exiles) art was good, but the leadership of Baron Zemo. With the new registration
and tie-ins are worth reading. there was nothing outstanding. I do like the way he draws act, a lot of villains are going underground. It’s up to the
The Thing, though. Thunderbolts to catch them and bring them over to their
Whose side are you on? cause. I wasn’t impressed. There was too much dialogue
My rating: 9/10 and not enough action. What’s more, if you hadn’t read the
pre-Civil War issues, it’s hard to know what is going on;
Civil War #1-7 Civil War – Frontline #1-12 twenty pages of characters I don’t care about, talking
about things that didn’t interest me. Still, it beats the X-
Mark Millar (Ultimates, Superman: Red Son) brings us Perhaps the most innovative title to come from Civil Men tie-in. And the art isn’t bad. Mark Grummett
an action-packed tale of hero fighting hero, with Captain Wa r, Frontline by Paul Jenkins (The Darkness, (Superman) has a style that is reminiscent of the ‘90s.
America and Iron Man leading the fronts. While the idea Spectacular Spider-Man) brings us several story threads
is solid and guaranteed to draw in readers, the execution is from unique perspectives. “Embedded” is the story of two My rating: 5/10
somewhat lacking. The plot seems like it’s hastily thrown reporters, Phil Urich for the conservative Daily Bugle, and
together, with our favorite heroes acting out of character Sally Floyd for The Alternative. Both are looking for the Cable & Deadpool #31-32
in some places. Iron Man comes off as a total ass. Captain big story, trying to find the truth, and trying to stay alive.
America comes off as irrational and violence-prone. The other main story is “The Accused,” in which Nicieza again, though this time I’ve got better things to
Speedball, the only surviving New Warrior, has to deal say. Cable & Deadpool are an unlikely duo. One is an elite
That being said, it’s a good read. Millar knows how to with the deaths he indirectly caused and the fall-out of the psionic warrior from the future, the other is a slightly-
tell a story. The dialogue is strong, with each character Stamford incident. Jenkins does an excellent job parallel- insane mercenary with a healing factor. What makes this
having a distinct voice (not an easy thing to do in a comic ing the issues in the Marvel Universe to the issues we are comic is Deadpool’s internal dialogue, and his ability to
medium). There are deaths, unmaskings, traitors, and facing in our own country. break the fourth wall and talk to the reader. The story isn’t
plenty of twists. The art, by Steve McNivan (Meridian), is bad. We’ve got Cable on one side of the issue, Deadpool
pleasant to the eye and extremely detailed, though perhaps My rating: 9.5/10 on the other. It’s not a new idea, typical Odd Couple stuff,
a tad generic. It fits well with the story and keeps it flow- but Nicieza pulls it off. Staz Johnson did the art. Johnson
ing. McNivan is new to the industry and has yet to devel- Wolverine #42-47 gives us a light-hearted look, which fits Deadpool’s gen-
op a distinct style, but, in this context, the generic look eral tone. It comes together quite nicely. As a plus, it fea-
works. When you have to draw fights between large Well, who doesn’t love Wolverine? He’s the best there tures a cameo of my favorite team, the Great Lakes
groups of heroes, it’s best to keep it simple. is at what he does. And what he does is sell comics. Fans Avengers.
love the gruff loner who strikes out on his own, not afraid
If you plan to read any Civil War titles, you should read to do what must be done. Marc Guggenheim (Blade, Law My rating: 8/10
the main title as well. & Order) delivers, with a story of Wolverine seeking (big
surprise) revenge on Nitro, the mutant who blew up
Continued on next page

61
The Negative Zone (continued)
eral times (“Oh, you’ve got a magic user?” “You’ve got a My rating: 9/10
Continued from previous page Skrull too?”). The art by Stefano Caselli is slightly car-
toonish, reminiscent of newer manga.
New Avengers #21-26
My rating: 7/10 So I’m going to leave it at that. Now you know which
Brian Bendis (Ultimate Spider-Man, House of M) ones are worth buying and which ones are best used as toi-
gives us an in-depth look at how the war is affecting dif- Ms. Marvel #6-8 let paper. Put this knowledge to good use. There are a few
ferent members of the New Avengers. Each issue is a single-issue tie-ins, like Black Panther and Choosing
close up look at the life of one New Avenger. Some Brian Reed brings us Carol Danvers as Ms. Marvel. Sides, and a few tie-ins that have just recently started up
issues are really good (Luke Cage), while others are not Many fans of the old X-Men cartoon will know her as the (Punisher War Journal, Invincible Iron-Man), but there
so interesting (Sentry). Each issue is intended to help us “woman who Rogue got her powers from.” I think, by giv- isn’t enough, really, to review, and this is already longer
appreciate the character more, and understand the stance ing her this title, they are trying to make her into the than I thought it would be. Your local comic book shop
of each. Bendis does a good job. He’s strong on the sto- Wonder Woman of the Marvel Universe. Frankly, I don’t should have most of the back issues, so you can catch up;
rytelling, stretching something to a whole issue that think she warrants her own book. Basically, take what otherwise, you can wait for the collections to come out,
other writers would put into five pages. Each issue fea- Bendis is doing for each of the New Avengers and stretch which will probably be sometime late next year.
tures a different artist, reflecting the different charac- it out to several issues. Watch Carol as she is forced to take
ters. What I find most interesting is the fact that a team on her old friends because they are no longer following Next week: Heroes In Spaaaaaaaaace!!!!!!!!!
title finds itself focusing on individuals. Though it’s not the law. Roberto De La Torre does the art. I feel it’s a lit-
so surprising when the name of the storyline is “New tle too light for the subject matter. But then, Reed himself
Avengers: Disassembled.” switches from dark to comical throughout the book. De La
Torre is just trying to keep up, it seems. One thing it has
My rating: 8/10 going for it is that it’s an easy read. It’s got a good balance
of dialogue and action.
X-Factor #8-9
My Rating: 7/10
Well, it’s better than X-Men. Maybe I’m just anti-
mutant. I find that these X-titles go overkill on focusing Heroes For Hire #1-3
on how hard the mutants have got it. Not having read the
pre-Civil War issues, this title doesn’t make much sense to A band of mercenaries joining together to capture
me. I only know half the characters, and Peter David unregistered heroes and villains. Sound familiar? Yeah,
(Incredible Hulk) doesn’t seem to do much in the way of it’s not too different from Thunderbolts. The characters
distinguishing them through their actions and dialogue. are a bit more likable, and the dialogue is a bit more inter-
Dennis Calero’s art doesn’t help much, either. His style is esting. What’s more, there are actually some decent team
unique, but he draws everything rather darkly and without dynamics going on, something that seems to be lacking in Dave Sands
Dave Cockrum and Dan Green on X-men #107
a lot of detail. It adds to the noir detective-agency style of a lot of team titles these days. There are two writers and
the book, but it makes it hard to tell who is who, and what three artists, and I don’t feel like listing them all. Pick it
is going on. The story itself is kind of interesting if you up if you’ve got some extra money. News Quickies (taken from www.newsarama.com)
know some of the background from the House of M.
My rating: 8/10 - David Cockrum, the artist who co-created Storm,
My rating: 6/10 Colossus and Nightcrawler, among others, passed away.
Captain America #22-24 He had been sick for a while.
Young Avengers & Runaways
Why does Captain America need his own title, you ask? - Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy The Vampire
I was not familiar with either of these teams. The “kid Because he kicks that much ass. Ed Brubaker (X-Men: Slayer, Angel, and Firefly, plans on writing a new Buffy
teams” never really interested me. So when the team of Deadly Genesis), however, brings us not the tales of comic, which will pick up where the show left off.
Avengers-in-training met the team of runaway children of Captain America kicking ass. Instead, he brings us the
super-villains, I had a dozen or so new characters to get to characters around Cap, those he’s affected in the past and
know. With that many characters, it’s no surprise Zeb more recently, and how his actions are inspiring or hurting - Artist Adam Hughes (Wonder Woman) has been
Wells (New Warriors) has trouble focusing on them all. So them. I like it. The stories are paced perfectly to keep you picked to design the costumes for the film version of
a few of the more interesting characters get a little more interested. Mike Perkins (Mandaley) does a perfect job of Watchmen.
attention. All in all, I thought it was a good story. My matching the art to the story. It’s got just enough detail and
favorite part was realizing how similar the two teams actu- the right shading. Flashbacks look like flashbacks, what- - Civil War #6 has been delayed two weeks due to
ally are in terms of team roster. Wells alluded to that sev- ever that means. the artist (McNiven) coming down with strep throat.

20 20
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Movie Reviews
Turistas: The Worst Movie I’ve Seen in Five Years
first thing that sucked about the movie was makers of this movie bothered to talk to
the body count. Of the douchebags who one of their friends whose mom once let
got themselves into trouble with the sinis- them watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the
ter Brazilians, three of them survived. original, not the abomination) they would
That’s far too many; there were six of have known that the best way to get the
them. Now, I’m no math whiz, but that point across in a horror movie is with a
number looks a hell of a lot like half. Of scream.
course, if those who died had died in an No one’s going to deny that creepy, evil
impossibly gory, revolting, sick, fucked-up dickheads who steal your organs is a good
(i.e., interesting) way, it might be all right. premise for a horror movie, because it is a
But only one of them died by the skillful good premise. Perhaps it’s even a great
surgical hands of the evil doctor Zamora. premise (though the best premise is always
The others were killed by gunshots. Yeah, an insane fucker who’s going to kill people
gunshots. Let me say that one more time: just because he’s crazy and has a chain-
they were killed with bullets. Shooting saw). This movie was absolutely ruined
someone in a horror movie is just about the by the inept way in which it was made.
biggest insult you can dump on your audi- This is what happens when people who
Shittymovies.com
...instead of seeing this movie
ence, unless you’re only, say, knee-cap- aren’t horror movie fans try to make a hor-
ping them so you can go to something real- ror movie, and everyone suffers. In fact, if
By Madeline Scheckter This movie has a message similar to
ly gross later. That’s totally cool. it weren’t for my giant popcorn and
___________ Hostel, which is that foreign countries are
Actually, I’m not really being totally fair: mecha-soda, I don’t think I would have
scary, scary places and traveling abroad
it’s totally implied that two people die by made it through this soggy take-out con-
Thanks to major douchebags John will result in death. But really, who cares
organ-removal, but you only get to see tainer of human and animal excrement.
Stockwell and Michael Ross, I no longer about the possible ethnocentrism of the
one. Of that scene that you see, it’s... g-d,
have to wonder if it’s possible to make a film; what I really cared about was how
it’s fucking PG. You see a little blood and
horror movie worse than Hostel. Turistas deeply it sucked. Of course, one has to
you see the open cavity of a human body
is pretty much the worst horror movie I qualify statements like that, because it’s
once. Probably the worst thing about the “Turistas”
have ever wasted an hour-and-change of not fair to just go around accusing movies
scene is that the girl whose organs they’re
my life watching, and I liked Candyman. of sucking the cosmic dog dick. So, the John Stockwell
removing is completely drugged. Had the

Play Reviews
The Goat, or Who’s Silvia?
By Adina Silverbush friend Ross (Xavier Rodney) is at his home to
___________ give him a television interview when the truth
of Martin’s affair is revealed. Ross feels com-
Going to see a play about a man who’s pelled to share this secret with Martin’s wife,
cheating on his wife with a goat isn’t exactly and the second act gives way to a major fam-
what most people would want to do on a ily dilemma, to say the least.
Friday night. Having seen Edward Albee’s The second act of the play was extremely
play The Goat, or Who’s Silvia? five years well executed by its cast. This is a difficult act
ago on Broadway and having been highly dis- with very intense emotions. Dan de Jesus
turbed, I felt I’d give Pocket Theatre another makes his appearance in this act is Martin’s
chance to give some meaning to this provoca- gay son Billy. As the house begins to fall
tive play. The small cast of four, directed by apart — quite literally — the cast seemed to
Germany’s own Christine Schmidle, gave the finally come together.
audience a good time, though I’m not sure This is a play not simply about having sex
that the deeper meaning I was hoping to view with a goat; that part is pretty arbitrary in the
was as obvious to the audience around me. scheme of things. The play explores love and
The constant laughing during some pretty questions what it really is. The characters are
serious moments was disrupting. simply people seeking the ability to under-
The cast was led by Martin (Nelson Diaz), stand themselves and their places in this
who played the “goat fucker” husband of world. Ahigh society filled with social expec-
Stevie (Tessa Lanzetta). The two played very tations creates a false reality. That people
well off one another, with each having to claim to be liberal and then care so much
explore very deep and wide-ranging emo- about their public image shows the true prob-
tions. Nelson was especially strong through- lems that our culture creates.
out the play, and he did a good job of making Pocket should feel proud that they chose
his highly dimensional and disturbed charac- such a challenging play and were able to do it
ter real. He’s a man very much in love with justice. As always, I encourage all students to
his wife but who also feels a deep love for his see their shows. I have yet to be disappointed
barnyard friend Silvia (The Goat). Being a by them. It’s hard to complain when the
famous architect, he’s a member of high soci- shows are only $3, and that’s suggested, not
Pocket Theatre
ety and very much in the public eye. His best mandatory.

63
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65
The Freshman Experience 2006
magine find out you smoked a blunt or passed out lion in which they all agreed to purposely once. The Stonybrook campus is like some-

I yourself
visiting a
huge foreign
on someone's bathroom floor is just incred-
ibly exciting and breathtaking. Oh, did I
mention that was the best part of college?
cook bad food. Watch out for the cooks
because they're probably waiting to go on
strike. What's Stony going to do about that?
thing that you'd see in a movie, unbeliev-
able,
remark-
country in Not having your parents around is not only The freshmen are probably not going to a b l e
which you adventurous, but it also gives you a sense of gain the freshman 15 because they would a n d
don't know the fulfilling privacy and inspiring independ- be too busy thinking about how they're e y e -
people, the lan- ence. It's like how that saying goes. going to lose their appetite at just looking at widen-
guage or the Whatever happens in college, stays in col- the gross food. It seems to me Stony does- ing. It's
By Jennifer Zhong
environment. lege. n't even have many fat, obese individuals. like a
What's even scarier is if you're going there So, I heard that my freshman class had Instead, I see people, who has stick straight tranquil
all by yourself, without a friend. That around 4,000 individuals. Wow. That is like bodies and me, a girl from New York City, dream
would feel pretty lonesome and frightening, 10 times my graduating senior class in high isn't used to seeing this outrageous scenery. t h a t
right? You have to think for yourself and school. No wonder almost 7/8 of the fresh- Now, I wonder why numerous people are so keeps
take care of yourself, and mommy sure isn't men are tripled. I mean, what's up with the skinny. Think about it. My experience with y o u
around to do your laundry or pick up your RA's being so thrilled that one is tripled. I Stony Brook food hasn't been a good one. It f r o m
dirty, stinky socks. What you just imagined remember checking in when I first arrived seems to me that the food always ends up going
is the feeling that freshmen feel when they at Stony Brook and the RA's would just with too many or too little ingredients. It's c r a z y.
first enter the so-called warm welcome scream "Whoooo!" every time they saw never just right. It's always too spicy! I So for
gates of college. Freshmen are like newly that one was going to be tripled. They must think the best food at Stony would be the this sea-
planted seeds placed in fresh fertile soil. have done that over 1,000 times because it fruit salads, salad bar at SAC and Burger son, watch as the leaves change from green
Just give them a little time, water and sun seems to me that almost all my freshman King. But oh wait, Burger King is just way to red to yellow in smooth timing. You'll
and they'll adapt rather quickly. Through friends are tripled. I don't even think I ever too fattening. I mean, it would surely give smile with a grin on your face for sure.
college, they are somehow supposed to received that additional payment for being one the freshman 15 if they ate there every So, this goes out to the ladies. Are you
grow into beautiful flowers so that they'll tripled in the first place. Being tripled real- single day of their freshman year. having trouble finding a good man? Have
blossom for the future. ly sucks because the tiny rooms are limited I think that's why I lost so much weight you come a long way through tough, heart-
Everyone always looks forward to the in desks and closets for three people. Stony over these last couple of months here. I'm breaking breakups or unfufilling relation-
new generation year after year, hoping that Brook dorm rooms were apparently made so disgusted with the food about being too ships? Well, then, Stonybrook University is
the newest generation is different and for 2 people, not 3. It's not fair. Why should fattening or too tasteless that I just cook the place for you to find that one guy you've
unique in some way from the previous gen- freshman deserve this unjust treatment? some scrambled eggs and I call it a day with always been looking for. Before coming to
eration; but in fact, we are all the same. Shouldn't our first year be the most unfor- food. Can we get some new chefs, who can Stony Brook University, I had a horrible,
Remember in high school when everyone gotten experience? Well, certainly they cook for once? Please? Pretty please with a nasty outlook on guys. I went through the
was considered to be either a freshman, have made it unforgettable an unforgettable cherry on top? I mean that is included in my terrible breakups and heartbreaking
sophomore, junior or senior? Well, in col- overcrowding. No "whoooooo!" to that. tuition right? Or do you people expect me processes. I'm sure everybody has been
lege, it isn't so much the same. Well, at first I always feel like I don't have my own to pay more for some delicious food? I find through these things one time or more. The
you do get labeled with a freshman sticker, space to do homework because my room- myself always excited to go home just for guys here are really something. They're not
but afterwards, the sticker gradually peels mate can't seem to decide which table she the food. I mean I'm supposed to be excited like the ones you'd found at your hometown
off and everybody treats one another the wants to work on. I don't blame her for not to come back to see all my old friends or or high school. They're not the rotten kind
same way. There's no freshman Friday in being able to choose. She has no table family, but rather I'm exhilarated to eat. of apples that you'd want to throw away, but
which freshmen get mugged or beat up by because her "little colored post-it" (*deter- Could it get any sadder? What can I say? instead, they are like the fresh light green
upper classer man. mines which side of the room you get and if I'm a pig at home who eats nonstop and an kind that you're sure to enjoy. So as I was
Age doesn't seem to matter in college. you have to share things with the third anorexic once I come back to Stony. I have saying, I have really met some incredible
Whether you're an 18 year old girl dating a roommate) it was not at a certain spot, so a meal plan and the saddest part is that I guys upon coming to Stony Brook. Maybe
21 year old guy or a 19 year old dating a 26 it's not her claim. Good thing I chose yel- only tend to want to eat food my boyfriend it's because college is supposed to be the
year old guy, there's no statutory rape low, which gave me an entire desk to cooks. time when guys mature and grow out of
involved. You could do whatever the hell myself, but less closet space. Boo. So enough of ridiculing Stonybrook their disgusting ways, or maybe it's just the
you want and nobody would care. It's all The overcrowding doesn't end at the University for its flaws, but instead let's peaceful environment that have made them
about having a bunch of wicked fun at col- room situation. Due to the large freshman look at the beauty of it all. One thing I real- into caring, nuturing individuals. I met my
lege. Freshmen hang out with juniors and population, my class lectures are so gigan- ly adore about Stony would be the blossom- boyfriend here at Stony Brook and let me
seniors all the time and there's really no tic that sometimes I find myself lost in the ing trees. The trees never seem to upset me. tell you, he is like no guy I've ever met in
concern of one being older or younger than massive crowd. I seem to lose my self-iden- The campus environment, is in fact, and I'm my entire life. He has given me a new, clean
the other. We're all the same. We're all tity because I can't get any individual atten- going to be truthfully honest about this, perspective on the way I think about guys'
mature, grown individuals, who have tion from the professor. Now that is so not beautiful. So, if you ever feel sad or attitudes towards girls' feelings. Not basing
worked our big butts off in high school to cool for med school, in which you need col- stressed out from school one day and feel this only on one guy on campus, I'm basing
get here. Well, the maturity, of course, only lege recommendations. What happened to like you need an uplift in life, go take a it on the guys on campus as a whole. I'm
lasts for some time, and that is in the morn- the small classroom environments? It is walk through the Stony campus. It's going sure there are a few rotten guys out there on
ings. 2006. Come on. I need to learn. to bring your spirits up with the fresh air campus, because there's no way an apple
When night falls or Thursday comes And what's up with the food here at and changing drifting colors in the trees. I can never go rotten, but ladies, if you truly
around, that is when the almighty God alco- Stony Brook? It tastes so horrible that I'd used to think I admired the season spring, look deep into your hearts to open up, you'll
hol comes. Parties, parties, parties! If you rather waste my meal points away and just but upon coming to Stony and watching the find the one you've always been looking for
were to ask anyone in high school to cook food for the rest of the year. What a calm leaves drop swiftly down to the right on campus. I've found mine. It's time
describe college in one word, guess what waste. What a total waste of money. ground, I realized that maybe the season to find yours.
each and every one of them would say: par- Couldn't Stony Brook try to pay a little fall wasn't too bad at all. Although, I dislike Thank you Stony Brook for helping me
tying, of course. It may sound irrational, but extra for good food? Why did they have to the cold, shivering winds and changing find some sense of happiness. Freshman
that is in fact how all high school kids con- go and find cooks who can't cook? What's weather, the ever-changing trees are really year has had its ups and downs, but overall,
sider college. They consider it the safe the use of being a cook if you can't cook? something to look forward to for this sea- I’m truly glad I chose to come to this
haven for nonstop drinking, anonymous Well, of course, nothing. The cooks are son. The environment in Stony is one that is school, and all the people I’ve met that’s
sex, and wild, sick, all night parties. To probably paid minimum wage. They proba- peaceful, serene in harmony. I feel a sense made my experience awesome. I'll keep
have the feeling of not having your parents bly have some sort of secret, isolated rebel- of balance and stability in the world for you in my heart on Christmas Day. =)

Wanted! Writers, photographers, and all Weekly meetings Fridays 5:30PM at our
www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine excerpts in SB Press Vol 3 No 7 December 2006 students interested in media. office in Student Union 071.

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death egg zone

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