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S t o ny Brook Grows a

Green T h u m b

By Rebecca Kle inhaut _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

You know those new bins that happened

to show up in your dorm rooms over

break? Do not throw your trash in them;

they’re new recycling bins, and you have

the Environmental Club to thank for them.

At the end of the fall semester, members

of the Stony Brook Environmental Club

met with President Shirley Strum Kenny to discuss many of their initiatives to make Stony Brook a gre en-frie ndly c ampus. What immediately resulted was the incor- poration of new recycling bins all over the campus. Paper recycling has been the focus of the Environmental Club since the begin- ning of the school year. The club had many students coming to meetings to ask for easier ways to recycle. While the club began its public campaign to make double sided printing the default setting at all SINC sites, it also helped to design a plan to implement more recycling receptacles on campus. “[Shirley Strum Kenny] was surprised to hear that there was little recycling on campus,” said Justin Grimm-Greenblatt, who is the president of the Environmental C lu b an d a tt en de d th e me e ti ng w ith Kenny. “She seemed open to many of our new ideas about it.” Paper recycling was not the only topic d is cu ss e d a t t he me e t in g . T h e Environmental Club is also working on a variety of other energy efficient projects with Facilities Operations. Recently, soil bacteria was used instead of synthetic fer- ti li z e r in f r on t of th e A d m i n i s t r a t i o n Building. They are also campaigning for

the use of wind power and geothermal

energy, which is energy that is captured

from the Earth’s interior.

The Environmental Club is also trying

to get the university to divert some of their

funds to the Green Choice Program of

LIPA so that at least a fraction of the uni-

v e r s i t y ’s powe r comes from re newable

e n e r gy s ou r c e s. A c c or d in

g t o LI PA ,

renewable sources provide 17% of the

power for electricity in New York. While these ideas sound promising, the biggest obstacle in all of these projects is funding. “[The Green Choice Program] is much more expensive because it is renew- a bl e en e rg y, ” s ay s G ri mm- G r e en b la t t. Anyone who has tried to get a reimburse - ment of any kind understands that money is a sensitive topic with the university. In the meantime, one of the largest environmental projects that the club is working on involves the work of the stu -

d en t bo d y. A c co r di ng to G r im m-

G r e enb la t t, S hir

le y S tr um K en ny was

extremely excited about the prospect of having internships available to students. The internships allow students to work through the Environmental Club and do c a r bo n au d iti n g, w hi ch , a c co r di ng t o Grimm-Greenblatt, is a term for tracking the amount of harmful emissions on cam- pus. The internships would also have stu - dents involved in projects that would help to limit these emissions in the most cost effective ways possible. If you were one of the many students who were pleasantly surprised to see recy - cling bins in their dorms, then you are encouraged to attend the Environmental Club’s meetings on Wednesdays, at 8:30 PM, in the Hendrix Lounge in Roth Quad.

S t o ny Brook Grows a Green T h u m b By Rebecca Kle

Every suite in the West Apartments got new paper bins

Jowy Romano

2

www.theston ybrookpress.com

Congressional Dems Set Pace for 2007

By Steve McLinden ___________

The 110th Congress began session with Democrats in control of both the House of Representatives and Senate for the first time during the Bush administration, and the new ruling party in the House wasted no time, introducing a blitzkrieg of progressive bills in their first 100 hours. And then things really got busy. Under the new leadership of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) — who is, in case you hadn’t heard, the first female to hold that position – the House of Representatives introduced, beginning on January 9th, bills to:

limit the ability of lobbyists; expand national security; raise minimum wage; fund stem cell research; cut the interest rates on student loans; reform Medicare’s pharmaceutical negotiations; reduce the budget deficit; end B u s h ’s high-income tax cuts; and remove sub- sidies to Big Oil. All passed with 13 hours to spare. The Senate has since not passed the minimum wage bill, with Republicans saying it should include tax breaks to small business- es. Some of the bills, such as that on embry- onic stem-cell research, will more than likely be vetoed by the President should they pass the Senate. And while speculation as to the Democratic Presidential candidate for 2008 had been underway since before Bush’s 2004 re-election, New Yo r k ’s own Senator Hillary Clinton officially announced her intention to run. In a video post on her website on January 20th, Hillary stated, “I’m in. And I’m in to win.” As most cable news talking heads have noted, her near-100% name recognition from her years as First Lady and Senator make her one of the clear frontrunners. Other off i c i a l candidates include Delaware Senator Joe Biden, former Iowa governor Tom Vi l s a c k , New Mexico governor Bill Richardson, for- mer 2004 Vice Presidential candidate and South Carolina ex-Senator John Edwards, and Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich. Meanwhile, the bettors’ favorite to rival Clinton, Illinois’ Senator Barack Obama, is still (officially) only considering the position. With campaign efforts beginning earlier than ever (the first state primary is still almost a year away) many analysts are saying that this trend will hinder smaller-budget, smaller name candidates and will favor the likes of Clinton or Obama, who have high name recognition and the more apt infrastructure for f u n d r a i s i n g . On January 23rd, Mr. Bush issued his State of the Union speech, and he was notably less brazen than in previous years of working with a Republican-controlled Congress. Newly elected Vi rginia Senator Jim Webb read the Democratic Party’s official response follow- ing Bush’s address. With a tone of skepti-

cism, Webb expressed hope

that the W h i t e

House was honestly committed to reforming

health care, improving education, and revital- izing the American economy (while slipping in a reference to Hurricane Katrina and the growing factor of how much more money CEOs are earning than the average worker). On Bush’s latest adjustments in Iraq, We b b called for a plan to remove of US troops, as the father of a Marine currently in Iraq, and in

S t o ny Brook Grows a Green T h u m b By Rebecca Kle

Photo credit tk

Nancy Pelosi has been takin’ care of business and workin’ overtime.

line with the majority of A m e r i c a n s ’ d i s a p- proval for the direction in which the Iraq Wa r has gone. Since Mr. Bush’s announcement outlining a 21,500-soldier increase in Iraq, Capitol Hill D e m o c r a t s ’ have shown even greater hostility towards the White House’s Iraqi operations. The calls for a withdrawal and allowing Iraqi police forces to take control of their nation are growing louder: most Democrats in Congress are seeking a gradual withdrawal, others (including Kucinich) believe in a more imme- diate departure, though Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman is in agreement with the President. “Escalation of this war is not the change the American people called for in the last election,” Illinois’ Senator Dick Durbin said on behalf of Senate Democrats after

B u s h ’s primetime

speech on Iraq earlier this

month. The most direct action that Congress

can take against the President’s plans is to cut back the budget for the Iraq War when provi- sions relating to the troop increase come up during Pentagon appropriations. Other Democrats, including some 2008 candidates have criticized Bush a little more

h a r s h l y, particularly on

Iraq. Obama warned

that Americans should watch Bush’s forth- coming actions and not just trust his words. Vilsack pointed out that unlike the President, he has a positive record on healthcare, with Iowa actually decreasing its number of unin- sured citizens under his governorship. Clinton appeared on several morning news programs, stating that the decision to give Bush the authority to go to war (which she initially voted for in 2003) has been “a terrible deci- sion for everyone, including the President.” The candidates will likely have plenty more to say on these issues and others in the com- ing months: there are still more than six-hun- dred days until November 4th, 2008.

CEWIT 2007 Wireless Technology Conference By Huy Huynh and Tuan Le O n J a n

CEWIT 2007 Wireless Technology Conference

By Huy Huynh and Tuan Le

O n J a n u a ry 1 8 , S t o n y B ro o k University's CEWIT, the Center of Ex c e l l e n c e i n Wi re l e ss a n d

Information Technology, a part of CEAS, the College of Engineering and Applied Sc i e n c e s , h a d i ts 4 t h a n n u a l B u s i n e s s Without Boundaries Conference. Tuan: For those of us in the field it was a day packed with speakers and talks on every aspect, from technical to futuristic - and well worth the time and expense. My employer, Globecomm Systems Inc, picked up the tab and was a Gold Sponsor. I was particularly interested in most of the ses- sions. It turned out to be better than I expected. Sometimes while working in the real world I get to focus in one specific area of technology while great progress is being made in other areas. C.K Park's 'Strategy of i-Fashion', for example, showing wireless remote capability of purchasing clothing for someone without knowing their size by simply having a photo of them, was fasci- na ting. My colleagues w ere p art icularly impressed with the discussion on homeland security. Huy: I agree. As the E-Zine Editor I had a press pass but I think students were allowed to go for free. While I understand the n eed to have i t during interse ssi on b eca use o f spa ce limit at i ons, my pee rs missed a great opportunity. As a computer engineering major, this was showing me areas of research I had not even thought about going into. Hopefully in the new campus plans a large conference center will be included too. Tuan: The Director of Technology at

G lobec omm, D onald G utman, w as su p- posed to give a presentation on the topic of the GSM Cellular hosted soft-switch, but he had laryngitis so the President of the GSI, Ken Miller, was the fill-in. Miller's presen- tation was Commercial IP Base Station Technology. In the world of computer net- working, there is a convergence process happening with many communication net- works heading towards IP. It is happening in the cellular world where there is less reliance on SS7 network and standardiza-

Globecomm Systems employee and a proud

member of the Asian American alumni net-

w or k.

M y p a st , pr ese n t, an d d efi n i t el y

future will always somehow be involved with this University. Huy: The morning began with intro - ductions from Dean Yacov Shamash, CEO of CEWIT, and Satya Sharma, CEWIT's Ex ec u t i v e D i r ec t o r. T h is p h o t o o f t h e Future of Wireless overhead will give you a good idea of the many areas wireless is headed into.

tions of hardware based p ro p ri et ary e q u ipme nt over to software control and using IP. Our com- pany interfaces satellite technology with down t o e a rt h n e t w o rk i n g c r ea t i n g a se a ml e s s interface. We are every- where and do the full

CEWIT 2007 Wireless Technology Conference By Huy Huynh and Tuan Le O n J a n

Tuan Le and Fred Dugourd, Globecomm

Th at w a s a l l

brilliantly put into per -

s p e c t i v e b y Yo g e s h

G u p t a ,

C h i e f

Te c h n o l o g y

S t ra t e g is t

for CA. He was a fill-in

for Russell Artzt, CA's

E V P, a n d a l t h o u g h I

have never heard Artzt,

Gupta would be hard to

spectrum - from being in war zones for the government to handling highly distributed retail data networks. I j oined the co mpan y si x mo nths, almost four years after graduating from CEAS with a computer science degree. I traveled all around the US and Caribbean in my first job and while it was a great learn- ing experience, after awhile living in hotels b ec o m e s t i r i n g . G l o b e c o mm Sy s t e ms turned out to be the perfect answer to give me a little of both. I am based close to home on Long Island but we are a worldwide company with offices in Asia, Europe, and the Middle East. I get to work with the lat- est technologies and use the skill sets I had acquired from my years at Stony Brook. Today I am here again at school as a

top. He showed what the world will be like in the near future with existing technology, not even what is being developed, and just as the computer and the internet changed our lives radically, wireless will do the same. Tuan: Lunch was also surprisingly good. They never had food like that when I was a student. Huy: They still don't. It's too bad the cafeterias here do not offer the same quali - ty of food. We all had thinly sliced, tender roast beef in a barbeque sauce smothered in mozzarella and onions. Then I had to go back to work so I did not get to stay for the afternoon sessions unfortunately. Tuan: The luncheon speakers were also excellent. First was Girish Rishi, GM

of Motorola's US Enterprise Mobility Sales, then Anthony DiMaso, VP of Corporate Strategy and Development for Verizon. To get an idea of all the presentations, check out the conference program, and although they do not have an email group you can join for further info, contact the organizers to get yourself on their list for CEWIT 2008, http://www.cewit.org. The day ended with a poster session and closing reception. There were about 20 posters coming from academia, industry, and government. The topics covered a wide range including computer security, comput- er visions, and networks. It was also good to seen an old friend, Bin Tang. I had worked with him on the opening of the Wang Center when he was the President of the GSO (Graduate Student Organization). He will be getting his Ph.D. in Computer Science in May and has been doing some of the interesting research on ad hoc networks. Bin has been studying the role of caching on the system performance of wireless networks, particularly in wire- less ad hoc and sensor networks. He has developed a framework which can be used to facilitate information access. All in all it was a great day. Huy: And coming in the next issue will be what's in store with all the construc- t ion a cro ss t he ro ad for Sto ny Broo k's newest campus. The first building on the drawing board to be completed is CEWIT, soon to be followed with the Center for Computational Neuroscience and then the A d v an ce d En erg y R es e a rc h a n d Technology Center. P h o t o A l b u m o f t h e C o n f er e n c e:

http://aasquared.org/gallery/CEWIT2007

CEWIT 2007 Wireless Technology Conference By Huy Huynh and Tuan Le O n J a n
CEWIT 2007 Wireless Technology Conference By Huy Huynh and Tuan Le O n J a n
CEWIT 2007 Wireless Technology Conference By Huy Huynh and Tuan Le O n J a n
Keynote speakers, distinguished speakers and the proposed CEWIT building clockwise from the bottom left: - Yacov
Keynote speakers, distinguished
speakers and the proposed
CEWIT building clockwise
from the bottom left:
-
Yacov Shamash, CEO CEWIT,
Stony Brook University
-
James Hueser, Business Unit
Executive, IBM Americas
-
Yogesh Gupta, Chief
Technology Strategist, CA
-
Girish Rishi , GM US
Entrprs Mblty Sls, Motorola
-
Anthony J. DiMaso , VP Corp.
Strategy & Devel., Verizon
Satya Sharma , Dir. CEWIT,
Stony Brook University
-Newly Proposed Drawing of
the CEWIT Building
-
CEWIT 2007 Wireless Technology Conference By Huy Huynh and Tuan Le O n J a n
CEWIT 2007 Wireless Technology Conference By Huy Huynh and Tuan Le O n J a n
CEWIT 2007 Wireless Technology Conference By Huy Huynh and Tuan Le O n J a n

www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine excerpts in SB Press Vol 4 No 1 January 2007

Weekly meetings Fridays 4:30PM at our office in Student Union 071.

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E d i t o r i a l s Edit orial Board E x e

E d i t o r i a l s

Edit orial Board

E x e c u t i v e E d i t o r J
E x e c u t i v e E d i t o r
J o w y R o m a n o
M a n a g i n g E d i t o r
A n d r e w P e r n i c k
A s s o c i a t e
E d i t o r
A l e x Wa l
s h
B u s i n e s s M a n a g e r
A d i n a
S i l v e r b u s h
P r o d u c t i o n M a n a g e r
J e s s e
S c h o e p f e r
N e w s
E d i t o r s
R e b e c c a K l e i n h a u t
M a d e l i n e S c h e c k t e r
F e a t u r e s E d i t o r
S t e v e M c L i n d e n
A r t s
B e r t a
E d i t o r
R e z i k
P
h
o t o
E
d i t o r s
V i n c e n t M i c h a e l
F e s t a
J o e y
S a f d i a
C o p y
E
d i t o r s
E l i z a b e t h K a p l a n
A l e
x
N a g l e r
W e b m a s t e r
C h r i s W i l l i a m s
A u d i o m a s t e r
K r i s t i n e R e n i g e n
O m b u d s m a n
R o b
P e a r s a l l
M i n i s t e r o f A r c h i v
M i n i s t e r o f A r c h i v e s
J o e
R i o s
I T M a n a g e r
J o e
R i o s
D i s t r i b u t i o n M a n a g e r
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S taff
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Brian Wong
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To Stony Brook’s “Band of Brothers”

 

A s mo st of y ou a r e , by no w, w e ll aw a re , on J an ua ry 10 th ,

 

L e t

it

n ev e r

be th o ug h t,

n ot

e ve n

fo r t he b r ie f e st o f

P r e si de nt B us h d e c l a r ed t o t h e n a t io n th a t he in te nd s t o s en d

i

n sta n ts , t ha t T he S to n y Bro o k Pre s s d o e s no t s u pp o rt y o u.

 

an

ad d iti on a l 21 , 5 0 0 U S tr o op s to Ir aq .

We ch o os e no t t

o

L

e t i t n ev e r b e t ho u gh t,

l e t a lo ne

s a id , th a t

w e a r e no t o n

en t e r i nt o t hi s de

co u ld c e r ta in ly

ba

te .

W h i le w e a t T he S to n y Broo k Pre s s

la un ch in to a ti ra de on ou r op p os i ti on to th is

y o ur

Vie

tn

si de . am

Th is w a

r o u r g en e r a ti on ”

h a s

b e e n

c a ll

ed ,

f or

b y man y,

to

p a r ap hr a s e

in

c l ud in g

“ t he

, f o rm e r

p la n, o r st a r t a

d ia tr ib e o n o ur vi ew s o f th e w a r, we ch oo s e

S e c r e t a r y o f D e f en s e M e l vi n L a ir d .

We c ho o s e n ot t

o e nt e r

t o u s e

th is s pa c e fo r a di ffe re nt p ur p os e .

 

t h is

de ba te .

I ns t e ad , w e

ch o os e t o l au d

y ou r b r av e r y.

We

 

We

a r e a n ew s pa pe r, ye s, bu t w e a r e a stu d en t ne w s pa pe r

c

ho o s e t o s up p or t yo u in ev e r y w ay w e

c an . A n d w e c a ll

f ir st.

O u r jo

b , o u r s a c r ed d u ty, is t o r ep re s en t t he s t ud en t

u p on t h os e stu d en ts w h o d o no t s e r ve to d o th e s ame .

b od y

an d i ts

i

nt e r e st

s.

Am on g ou r re ad e r s hi p, amo n g o u r

 

Yo u

g o

w i th

ou r t ho u gh t s,

ou r h o pe s,

an d

o u r

p ra

st ud en t b o dy, a r e

 

a

nu mb e r o f

th os e w h o s e rv e

in

va r io us

Yo u go an d w e w il l n ev e r f org e t a l l t ha t y ou h av e s a c r if

ye rs . ic e d,

f or ms

o f mi lit a r y r e s e rv e o r a r e

in t he N a tio n a l G u a r d o r a r e

a re s a

c r if ic i n g, an d w il l s a c r if ic e .

Wh en y o u re tu r n, w e wi ll

a c ti ve mil ita ry p e r s on n e l.

S om e ha ve a lr e a dy le ft th e mi li -

w e lc o me yo u w i th op en a r ms. We w h o h av e h o tly d eb a te d,

t a r y bu t , d u e

to t he r e l a ti ve ly -r e c en tl y c r e a te d sy st em kn o w n

o n b o th si de s o f t he c oi n, t he e xi ste n c e o f G o d, a nd a ll

 

a s

“ in a c

tiv e re ad y

r e s e r ve ” sta tu s,

c an

be

c a l le d u p on

t

o

a s p e c t s o f r e li gi on , w e wh o h av e ch a ll en ge d

o rt ho d ox y

s e r v e ag a in .

Th ey

a re o u r c l a ss ma te s, o u r r oo mma te s, o u r

w h e r ev e r w e f in d i t, a re un it ed in ou r p r ay e r s fo r yo u r s a fe

f r ie n d s, o u r lo v ed o ne

s.

To th o s e of y o u f in e , br av e men an d

r e t u rn . We

h av e a mon g

ou r nu mb e r pe op le of a l mo st ev e r y

w o men i n un if o rm , w e de vo te o ur w o r ds he re .

 

m

a jo r

r e li g io n, an d pe op le

o f man y

de

no mi na ti on s,

a nd

a

 

S o me o f yo u may be c a l le d u p on

to le av e mi d- s em e ste r.

f a i r

nu mb e r o f a t he is ts an d ag no sti c s, an d stil l w e p ra y, e a ch

S o me of y o u a r e b u t o n e o r tw o c ou r s e s s h y

o f gr ad u a t io n

o n e

of u s in o ur ow n ma nn e r, b u t a ll o f us u ni te d in th

e f a c t

t h a t w e a r e pr ay in g n o ne th e le ss, fo r y o ur s a f e r e t u rn .

an d w o u ld o th e r w is e b e e a rn in g y o ur de gr e e s a t th

e en d o f

We

t hi s t e r m.

S om

e

of yo u , un f o rt un a t e ly, w i ll n o t re tu r n.

We

w i ll b e w a i ti ng h e r e a t th e P re s s . Bu t we w il l be w a i tin

g

d

o n o t e nv y yo u

yo u r si tu a t io n,

no r do w e i n te n d to mak e

w i th b a t ed b re a th , w it h an xi e ty a nd wi th t re pi d a ti on , a s w e

l

ig ht

of t he s a c r if i c e s y o u a re mak in g .

To t he

co nt r a r y – w e

k n ow

a

v e r y

un f or tu n a t e fa c t,

on e

th a t

s ad de ns e ve

ry o ne

v

ie w

yo u a s he ro e s.

 

w h o re a li z e s i t – s om e

of y ou w il l n ot re tu rn , a nd ot h e r s wi ll

We a t th e P re s s h av e

a l on g h is t or y o f

d is s en t,

o f ch a l -

n o t re tu r n w ho le . We r e a l iz e t hi s i

s a f a c t of w a r, o n e yo u

l

en gi ng th e va ri o us ad mi ni str a t io ns o f th e

c ou n tr y, be t he y

k n ow a l l t oo w e ll , b u t st il l w e s h a ll p r a y th a t y o u

t ha t of th is un i ve rs i ty, th e lo c a l co mmu n ity, t he st a t e , o r th e

a

li

ve an d w h ol e .

E ve ry t im e w e s e e t

ha t t h e c

ha ir

a ll r e t ur n y o u on c e

n a t io n.

I t h a s

o f t b e en s a i d, in a q uo te th

a t ma ny in co r r e c t -

o c c up i ed in o u r c la ssro o m i s n ow emp ty,

w e sh a l l p au s e , an d

l

y a t tr ib u te

to Th o ma s

J e ff e r s o n ( bu t w a

s a c tu a l ly

ut te r ed ,

i

n t

h a t mo me nt ou r th ou g ht s an d h e a rt s

w il l tu r n t o y o u a

s

d

ur i ng h e r pr o te st s o f W W I I, b y th e p a c i fi st D or o th y H ew it t

w e r e f le c t on y o ur a bs e

nc

e an d t he s a c ri fi c e s yo u a r e mak -

H u tc h i ns o n in h e r ow n d e f en s e ) th

a t “D is s en t is th e h ig h e st

i

n g

in t he n ame o f du ty.

We s h a l l pr ay t h a t yo u r e t ur n r e ad y

f or m o f pa tr io ti s m. ” Th is i s bu t a h a lf - tr ut h .

t

o p u t do w n y o ur s w or d s a nd pi ck u p y o ur p ens a nd pe nc ils ,

o f p a t ri ot is m t ha

t is tr u ly t h e hi gh e st fo r m.

Th e r e i s a t yp e You , o ur fr i en ds

r e a

dy

t o

h an g

up

y ou r u ni fo r ms an d re - do n th e c i vi li an

an d f e l lo w st ud en t s, y o u w h o pr o ud l y do n t he u n if or ms o f

c

lo

th in g

yo u

le f t b eh in d , r e ad y

to

le a ve

th e

w o rl d

o f

w a r

o ur ar med f or c e s a nd

ca r r y o ur f la g in to ba ttl e , ar e t ho s e

wh o

b eh i nd yo u a nd ha ve t he w o r ld o f a c ad em ia an d o f co lle

ge

ex h ib it th is hi g he st f o rm .

a

nd

po st -c ol le g e li

fe

a he ad

o f

y o u.

We

s h a ll

p r ay,

li

ke

 

Yo u b ra ve men an d w o me n w i ll b e l e av in g a co un t ry

to r n

S h a k e s p e a r e ’s va lia

nt H en r y V, “O G o d of b a t tl

e s! ste e l my

ap a r t b y th e

ve r y w a r i n w hi ch

y o u

w ill

b e f ig ht in g.

T h

e

s o l d i e r s ’ h e a rt s; p os s e ss th em n ot w ith f e a r ; t ak e f ro m th em

p eo pl e of t h is n a t io n , w h o s e f l ag , w h o s e

p r in c i pl e s, w ho s e

n o w th e s en s e o f r e ck o ni ng . ”

 

i

de a ls y o u fe e l s o d e e pl y t h a t t he y stir y o u t o en te r t hi s w a r,

 

We le a ve yo u w it h t hi

s, y ou f in e m en an d w o men i n u n i-

w i ll

n o t

t h ro w

a

t ic ke r- ta p e

p a ra d e

d ow n

N ew

Yo r k ’s

f o r m, y ou w h o ex hi bi t t he hi g he st f or m of p a tr i ot is m, yo u

“C an y on o f He r oe s ” f or y ou w h en yo u co me ho me . Th is i s

 

a

w h o a r e b e i ng c a ll ed up o n t o le a ve be hi nd y ou r c l a ss ma te s,

g re a t tr av e st y, a g r e a t mi
g re a t tr av e st y, a g r e a t mi s c a r r ia ge of j us t ic e , a s th e r e i s n o
o ne mo r e d e s e rv in g o f s uc
h an h on o r.
y o ur ro o mma te s, y o ur
b a t tl e , yo u h e r oe s: G o
fr ie nd s, y ou r l ov ed on e s to e nt e r in to
w it h G od .
Wa n n a
K n o w Wh e r e Y o u C a n S t i c k Y o u r
O p i n i o n s ?
( h i n t : I t Rh ymes
Wi t h “ T o n y t o o k l es s ” )
s b p r e s s @ g m a i l . c o m
w w w . t h e s t o n y b r o o k p r e s s . c o m
o r w eb s i t e- i t - u p bi g t i me at

4

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L e t t e r s PIZDA69: Wuzzup HUYOVA143: NM. U? PIZDA69: Sme. Chillaxing n
  • L e t t e r s

PIZDA69: Wuzzup HUYOVA143: NM. U? PIZDA69: Sme. Chillaxing n rding Teh Press HUYOVA143: WTF, Mate? PIZDA69: kekekekekeke no zerg rush 5 min HUYOVA143: wtf? I sy Press u sy Zerg. PIZDA69: KEKEKEKEKEKEKE ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! HUYOVA143: U is FUXED UP PIZDA69: SOMEONE SET UP US THE BOMB! CHUCK NORRIS SET US UP THE BOMB! HUYOVA143: U JUST CMBNED 2 MEMES!!!! DUDEEE!!!!!! PIZDA69: BY THE WAY, I KNOW KIBO PERSONALLY. HUYOVA143: WOW. LTS ASK TEH INTERNET ORACLE! PIZDA69: Y IS THS ISSUE SO SMALLLLLLLL? HUYOVA143: I LAMMED UR MOM LAST NIGHT PIZDA69: FUX YOU! HUYOVA143: The travesty of this all is that we’re serving as the “Letters to the Editor” column for the first issue of the year 2007. How sad is that? PIZDA69: I would definitely have to agree with you there. A/S/L? HUYOVA143: 34/M/Chris Hansen PIZDA69: FUXXORZ

PIZDA69 has signed off

We a t T h e S t o n y B r o o k P r e s s a g r e e . C o m b i n i n g m e m e s i s a f u c k i n g t r a v e s t y a g a i n s t a l l t h e i s g o o d a n d h o l y. P l e a s e , d o t h i s w o n d e r f u l w o r l d t h a t w e l i f e i n a f a v o r, a n d D O N O T, w e r e p e a t , D O N O T p r o c r e - a t e , E V E R ! T h k s p l e z ^ _ ^

Joe Donato
Joe Donato

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5

With Chef Heath
With Chef Heath
With Chef Heath Chef or serial killer, you decide? Jesse Schoepfer Ov er win te r

Chef or serial killer, you decide?

Jesse Schoepfer

Ov er win te r bre ak , I had th e oppo rtuni- ty to dr ive to Nor th C a rolina with my

and see a sign f or a ch ees y r esta ur an t or a mom and p op dine r, I wan t to stop , if f or

bro the r to visit my family ( I s ay

opp ortu-

n othing e ls e tha n to stre tc h my le gs and

n i t y, be c aus e I do not think of it a s e ith er

mayb e ge t a q uic k bite to e a t. The re is

a

good o r a b ad thing) . We drov e f or two

s om e thing abo ut dine r foo d tha t d ra ws me

re a s ons : one is tha t fly

ing on Dec . 23 rd is

in ev e ry tim e .

a nigh tma r e , an d the s e cond b e ing tha t I am te rrif ie d o f f lying. Not the ty pe o f f e ar

Ty p i c a l l y, I orde r the s ame thin g f or b re akfa st a t eve ry dine r whe r e I stop: tw o

t h a t t w o s c o t ch e s a n d

s o me f r i e n d ly

o v e r me d i u m e g g s w i t h b a c o n , h a s h

enc our age men t c an so lve ; I me an the ty pe

b row ns, an d rye to a st. This

c a s e was no

of fe a r tha t e a ts a t you d eep d own and

exc ep tion. I c anno t he lp mys e lf. I s e e the

manife sts its elf w ith irra tion a l ou tbur sts

r e st of the

ite ms on th e men u.

I kno w tha t

of u nc ontro lla ble ra ge . But more

o n my

th ey adve rtis e tha t th ey ha ve s om e wo n-

sh ortc om ing s la te r.

d e r f ul p an c ak e s a nd d y na mite F r en ch

The tr

ip

to

w e ste r n N C

ta ke s abo ut

to ast, b ut I ge t the same

th ing ev e ry tim e.

twe lve hour s, de pe ndin g on ho w y ou hit

I

am wh a t I am; the re is

no s ha me in th at.

the b ridge s in New York (I like to hit the m

S o me t hi ng

abo u t

ru n ny

e gg s

a nd

t

he

e a r l y, b ut my br othe r p re fe rs to h it the m

s avor y c ris p of th e rye toa st bring s me

mi d - a f t e r n o o n . R o ck ,

P a

p e r,

S c i ss o r s

b ack to a sim p ler tim e in my life . My

ens ue s at th e on set of eve ry trip ). S o I was

b rothe r a lso ge ts the s ame thing at eve ry

exc ite d to eat thre e me a ls of roa d tr ip

d i n e r, co rne d be e f ha s h with ove r eas y

foo d.

I lov e roa d tr ip foo d. It is tha t kind

egg s and w hite to

a st. He the n

eve r ything to ge the r and do us es

s cr amb le s

of fa st, gr e a sy, conv enie nt

food tha t ha s

it with

d e f i n ed w h a t m o s

t

A m e r i c a n s

( an d

k etch up to c re a te so meth ing tha t r e sem-

Ca nnu ks too , I’ m told) e a t o n long trips . If I am in a c a r for more tha n a fe w ho urs

b les b aby f ood but ta ste s like he ave n on w hite br e ad . So meth ing abo ut tha t g re a se

and s a lt re a lly mak es the trip fo r me . An othe r typic a l ite m fo r me to orde r fr om

a d ine r is a Re ube n s and wic h . S om e

A l l - Yo u-Ca n -E a t buffe t tha t serv e s b re ak- f a st, lu nc h an d d inne r thro ugho ut the da y

f or a s ma ll fe e of sev en buc ks p er

pe rs on.

pla c e s

serv e the m 24 hou rs a da y, and I

I

f I co uld, I w ould live a t S ho ne y’s. T h e

find it ha rd to justif y stop ping to ge t o ne

f o od

is ho me -s t y le A me r ic an c ui sin e ,

w ith s om e La tin an d S outhe r n inf lue nc e s.

only tw o ho urs afte r bre akf a st. My attr a c-

tion to the R eube n is e a sie r to voc a liz e

o ff er ev e rythin g fro m

egg s to po rk

tha n my attra c tion to the oth e r dine r fo ods

The y r oa st

to fr esh fruit pa rfa its to b row nie s.

tha t I love . S im ply, th e Re ube n is Pollo ck

The foo d is good , about a tw o-s ta r ra ting,

b ut the une ndin g ser vic e an d the wide

v

arie ty mak e it so meth ing uniq ue . I f an y-

so ul food . It make s me f e e l w a rm and

fuz zy ins ide in su ch a way tha t make s me c a ll o ut like a Woo kie (Ye s, I am a S tar

o ne wants to g o into bus ine ss on Lo ng

Wa rs fa n) and s om e tim e s hu mp the

ta ble .

I

sla nd and be g ua ra nte ed a pr ofit, o pe n a

I on ly wis h I w e re kidd ing, a s the n I still

might

be welc om e in the Hib e rnia Din er

in New Jer sey. H o w e v e r, you c anno t a lwa y s stop for

an hou r and g et s om e thin g to e a t. I kne w tha t by h our te n o r twe lve in o ur trip , I

S h o n e y ’s, be c aus e

the y a re a lwa y s full don ’t eve n think the y doo r.

and a lw ays op en . I h av e loc ks o n the

The im por ta nt pa rt of din ing dur ing tr ave l is to a c tua lly stop an d e a t. To o

w a s n ’t ev en goin g to

stop

if I h it the re a l

o fte n w e hit a McD ona ld’s or a We n d y ’s and contin ue dr iving w hile w e e a t, and

d

istra c t yo u aw ay fro m w ha t is re a lly

y our frie s), but it he lp s to d egra de the d in-

Elvis hitc hhik ing h is w ay to Ta l l a h a s s e e . The re is so meth ing abo ut sp ending tha t muc h tim e in s uc h c los e prox imity to

th is is a re a l p rob lem. N ot on ly do es it

im po rta nt (w a tch ing the r oa d and not

you r cha in- smokin g br othe r ( who fee ls he

ne eds to sing alo ng to ev er y M adon na

in g cu lture of Ame ric a . It is true

tha t

I

so ng tha t co mes o ve r ra dio) tha t le ts you appr ecia te ju st h ow im po rta nt p erso na l sp a c e is . So wha t w a s hu ngry guy s uc h a s mys elf goin g to do ? The ans wer is sim ple my frie n ds, sim ple and d elic io us: b e ef j e r k y. N ot tha t sis sy -fie d gr ound up S lim Jim c ra p e ithe r; I me an w hole chun ks of

w ill ch ew on some je rky or s om e tr a il mix w hile I dr ive , but, to e a t an a c tua l mea l, I a lw ays pull ove r and sto p a t a loc a l dine r b ecau se ke eping the s e s ma ll r esta ura n ts in bus ine ss is im por ta nt; the y a r e wha t k eep A mer ican f ood on ou r pla te s and in o ur he a rts ( lite ra lly, in ter ms of chole s-

salt- cure d co w, slow -s moke d to br ing o ut

te r ol). A fte r a ll, food is more tha n suste -

n an c e ; it is

mor e tha n some thin g to s ell.

F ood is an ex te nsio n of th e pe rs on w ho

c

r eate s it. It is some thin g pe r son a l and

ta ng ible

tha t is pa ss ed

fro m one p erso n to

a n o t h e r. A ll to o ofte n I fo rge t this while

a f l av o r s o mo u t h - w a t e r in g t h a t y o u

be com e hot and bothe re d . N ow, so me of

you may be think ing, “W ha t make s b e ef

je rky s o go od? ” S imp ly, eve ry thing. A n y

self -re s pe c ting colle ge stude n t will te ll

you tha t b eef je rky ha s s ave d h is o r h er

tu rning and

b urnin g orde r s. I

r emin d mys e lf to slow d own

cons ta ntly

life a t le a st onc e , and h a s g otte n him or

and re la x,

he r la id a t least tw ice. I t is th e way th ings a re . If ne ith e r of the s e c a ses is tr ue , tha t pe rs on is pr oba bly lyin g ab out be ing a

and you c an ta ste the

diff e re nc e . Keep

f ood whe r e it b elo ngs , on a pla te , o n a ta ble , in a re sta ur ant own ed by re a l pe o-

stu de nt,

and ly ing to h im o r he rs e lf abo ut

p le, and not in y our la p g oing 80 mph

wh o he o r sh e re a lly is . D e - Nile is n ot

d

own s om e stre tc h of hig hwa y.

jus

t a r ive r

in Egy pt.

I n a ll

serio us ne ss,

how eve r th e re is no thing tha t I can e a t

more of, or w ant s o com ple te ly in m y life , tha n be e f je r ky.

An othe r fa vor ite

pla c e o f min e to stop

and gr ab a b ite o n a trip is A l l - Yo u - C a n -

Ea t Bu ffe ts . Th e se type s of re sta ura n ts are

more

p opula r in the S outh , but y ou s e e

the m in the N orth mos t fre q ue ntly a s

Asia n foo d e a te rie s. O ne cha in of su ch

b u ffets hold s a s pe c ia l pla c e in my

he a rt,

and mor e tha n like ly ha s lef t a c log in my a rte ry a s well. S hone y ’s re sta ura n ts fo rm ha i n tha t co ve rs mo st of th e O ld

a c Do min ion, a s w e ll a s so me p arts of the Mid west, and h a s expa n de d into link ed mote ls and c a r w a s he s. Sho ne y’s offe r an

G ood Ea ts Eve ryo ne !

Photo Credit tktktk “A dish best served cold ... or with wine”
Photo Credit tktktk
“A dish best served cold
...
or with wine”

6

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A Great Structure Destroyed

 
Tower Records

Tower Records

r oo m s w i th n o p r ic e to pa y f o r t h e ir

t o g o o ut o f t o w n to bu y t h e m us ic w it h

mu si c . Th e s e

f a c t o r s, p lu s

t

h e

in c ur r ed

m

y

mo n ey t o s u p p or t

t h e

a r ti sts

I

l ik e .

ha p py s p en d -

d

eb t t

ha t l ed th e c h a i n t o b a

nk r u pt cy in

E ve n to

th i s da y, I ’ m v e r y

2 00 4 , pr o v ed t o b e to

o mu c h f or To w e r.

i

n g $ 20 0

to $ 2 5 0 a v is i t o n mu si

c (a s k

M

a r jo r ie w ho o w n s P e r ma n en t R e c o rd s;

s h e ’l l t e l l y o u I w a s t he o ne w ho b r o ke

 

Wi th o u t To w e r R e c

o rd s,

it ’ ll

b e

l

e

ss

co n v en ie nt f o r me to

pi ck u p w h a t ev e r

a r t is t

o r mo v ie

t it

le

I

w an t

r ig h t aw ay

t h e

sto r e

r e co r d ! )

ju st

t o

h av e

t he

a rt -

r ig h t a f te r wo r k. No m o re m ag a z in e s l e t-

ti

ti

n g m e k n o w w h a t ’s t o n o r w h o i s i n t he

h e l a t e st a r t di r e c - s po t li gh t . N o mo r e

w o r k , co lo u r s, l

n o te s,

c r e di ts ,

C

D it s e l f . I’ l l tu

yr i c s, p ic tu r e s , in k , li n e r

ba r co d e , a nd

th e

e n ti

re

r n a pr o f it i n

st y le p o in t s

 

f ra

n ti c a

ll y w a l k in g

a ro u n d w i th

a

a

s

ti me

g o e s

b y,

j us t

li k e

p eo p le w h o

sta

ck

o f e ve r yt

h in g

 

( an d

mo r e )

hu g e my

in

h o a r d in g v i ny l n o w.

h an d s, st il l lo o k in g f or o n e mo r e C D . No

mo r e mu si c ,

b a c k j a z z ,

r o o m

f u ll

of

p o ste r s,

s h e e t

t e c hn o ,

c la ssic a l , h ip - h op ,

an d s ou l . N o mo r e si ll y C l e r k s m e m o r a -

b il ia an d B a t m a n me r ch an d is e . N o mo r e P la y sta ti o n g am e s, n o mo r e in d iv i du a ls

* * *

N o v em be r w a

2 2

s C D s

my la s t vi sit t o To w e r

a n d

ma ss iv

e bo o k

R e c o r ds .

a a b ou t A n d y Wa r ho l . A t th a t ti me , pr i c e s

“This will soon be replaced by dust and cobwebs”

h an g in g o u t

i n

t h e

st or e

w e a r i ng

g o th ,

w e r e 4 0 % o ff

o n m us i c , a nd I d e c id ed t o

g o ah e a

d an d

F Y E

a n d

S a m

b a ck p a c k i nd i e , o r h a r d co r e .

 

tr e a t m ys e lf . Th e r e co me s

By Vincent Michael Festa ___________

s t y l e t a s t e s . U n l i k e G o o d y, To w e r w a s t

h e o n e co mm e r c i a l

m

ic ch a i n

th a t h ad a lo

t o f a r ti sts

an d

N o

m o r e

em pl o ye e s

r a n d

o m

s n o t t y

a t t i t u d

w ho

t r e a te d c u sto me r s

l ik

e

e

a ti me y o u j u st c an ’t w a it an d r i s k a go o d s a le o n mu si c b e fo r e th ey n o l on g e r h a ve

i n

la te

D e

c em b e r

o f

us t it le s t ha t n o

o th e r co mme r c i a l sto r e

n ot h in g o n c e r t a i n d ay s o f t h e w e ek

st o ck . Th e t o ta l s pe n t on my
st o ck . Th e t o ta l s pe n t on my l a st vi sit t
o
To w e r Re co r d s w a
s $ 20 0 on mu si
c
an d
t h e A n d y Wa r h ol b o ok a
t $7 5 ( h av e
e
v e r
c a r ri
ed
a
b o ok
s
o
ma s siv e
an d
y o u
o
s
h
e
a v y ? ) .
I
t o ok m y b ag ’s
w o r th o f m us i c an d
m
ag a z in e s
w it h m e
t
o
th e t r un k
o f my
c
a r, n ev e r to r e tu r n to t h e To w e r Re co r d s
e x pe r ie n c e ag a i n.
F i n a l s h o p p i n g v i s i t a t T o w e r
R e c o r d s , 1 1 / 2 0 0 6 :
H A T E B R E E D S u p r e m a c y
D
E F T O N E S B -S i d e s An d Ra r i t i e s
B O Y S E T S F I R E T h e M i s e r y I n d e x :
N o t e F r o m T h e P l a g u e Y e a r s
L
A M B O F G O D A sh e s Of T h e W a k e
T H R O W D O W N T h r o w d o w n
K I L L Y O U R I D O L S F r o m
C
o m p a n i o n s h i p T o C o m p e t i t i o n
S T E R E O L A B A B C M u s i c
P R E T T Y G I R L S M A K E G R A V E S E l a n
V
i t a l e
R O O T S M A N U V A A wf u l l y D e e p
A T R I B E C A L L E D Q U E S T T h e L o w-
E n d T h e o r y
L
E O N A R D C O H E N D e a th Of A
L
a d i e s’ M a n
J E S U S i l v e r
J E N N Y L E W I S & T H E W A T S O N
T W I N S R a b b i t F u r C o a t
S T E R E O L A B F a b F o u r Su tu r e
B O A R D S O F C A N A D A T r a n s - C a n a d a
H i g h w a y
L
A D Y T R O N L i g h t A n d M a g i c
K I D 6 0 6 P r e tt y Gi r l s M a k e Ra ve s
B U Z Z C O C K S , T H E O p e r a t o r ’ s
M
a n u a l
P U B L I C I M A G E L I M I T E D G r e a t e s t
Hi t s S o Fa r
R O Y A Y E R S V i r g i n U b i q u i t y 2
F L Y L E A F F l y l e a f
V
/ A P u n k v . E mo
T o t a l c o s t : ~ $ 2 0 0 . 0 0

U s u a l ly y e a r, w h en

th e

s em e st

e

r

en d s, I

e ve r y l o ok e d

T hi n k o f th e P o r t J e ff e r s o n

M u si c

h a d. D en

b e c a u s e

th e y

f e l t

li ke

it .

Th a t

w a s

th e

f or w a rd t o s e l li n g m y bo o k s a f t e r f in a ls

( c lo s ed

d ow n in

20 0 2 ) ,

th e

o ne u n d e r -

o nl y p r o b le m

I h ad w it h To w e r R e co r d s,

s o th

a t I co u ld g e t m o ne y

ba ck an d th e n

g r o un d r e c

o rd st o re th a t

h ad e ve r yt h in g

m

o

s t l y

i n

H u n t i n g t o n .

T h e

c a s h i e r s

g e t

t

r

a f ri en d

to

g o

mu si

c

o t he r sto r e s

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b e c a u s e t h

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w e r t o

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e

g i v e n t o o m u c h

mak e c h an g e ,

a

nd

o f my mo n ey w o u ld b e g on e

. R ig h t no w

p i ck in g

u p r a r e CD sin g le s a n d im p o r ts ,

th e y w ou l d r in g u p a tr a ns a c t io n w i th o u t

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w e l l

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s

o th e r

r a r e , h a r d - to - fi n d,

an d

ev en s h ow i n g an e mo t io n o r s a yi n g a

’d be v e r y e x c i te d ab o ut wh a t I f ou n d i n th o s e b in s.

a h e ad - o f -r e le a s e -d a te C D s.

 

w o rd . S om e j u st g o t t h a t f l a t o ut stu c k-

U n f o r t u n a t e l y, th a t w o n ’t be p o ssi bl e

a n y m o r e , b e c a u s e a s o

f

t h e

e n d

o f

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a

f a n

g r ap h ic

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I

p r i n t

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u p a c t f r o m t h e f e m a l e c a s h i e r s .

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a n d o f

st a c k s

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r e no u n c e d t he

s h op

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e c e m b e r,

a l l

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b e c a u s e

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s o me ti me s po o r s e r v ic e ,

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e

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h a d c h a i n

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h

e

a n d

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l o s ed i ts d oo r s f o r t he f in a l t im e ju st

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mo n th

a g o, b e f o r e be in g l iq u id a t ed .

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s u n r iv

a l ed , a r o w a t le a st

6 0 t o 7 0 f e e t l

o n g

of an y th in g a n d ev e r y -

t h i n g

y o u

c o u l d

t

h i n k

o f .

I n d u s t r i a

l

( I n du st ri al N at io n ) , p u nk ( Pu n k P la n e t ) ,

b ut t h a t w a s th e a t ti tu d e N o mo r e

f ir s t

d a te

n o t th e c a s e in th e en d , a s d id i mp r ov e .

o f th e p l a c e

w it h

my

n o w

w h e r e I h ad my x - gi r l f ri e nd

e

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la st

y e a

r,

p eo p l e

e x pe r im e n ta l ( Wi re) , g r a ff i ti ( D i s r u p t i v ) ,

J e n n y. I w i ll

n e ve r f o rg e t w a nd e ri n g in

w e r e st an d i n g o n t h e

si d ew a l k s o f Ro u t e

st y le

( Ma ss

A p p e a l, M e a n,

Vi c e ,

Y R B ) ,

th a t H u nt in g to n

sto r e

lo o k in g

f o r

th

e

11 0 ho l d in g p ic k e t s ig n s li k e i t w a s t h e

a n d a r t d e s i g n m a g a z i n

e s

( L o D o w n -

n ex t p u rc h a s e w h en s h e

w a l ke d i n to th e

op e n a r m

en d

o f

t

h e

w o r l d .

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ad v e r ti s e d

o n

e s p e c ia l l y L o D o w n b e c au s e

i t

s a t is f i ed

sto r e ,

g r e e

ti n g me

w i th

s. We

th o s e s ig

n s w a s 1 0 -3 0 % o ff a l l me r ch a n-

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r e q u i r e m e n t

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t

hu n d e r st or m kn o ck e d th e

d

i s e

a t

To w e r.

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n

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p o p - k u l t u r ) a s w e l l a s ha r dc o re

p ow e r o ut , b u t w e r e tu r n ed a f t e r d in n e r

si d ew a lk

s h o p p e r s

to

o k

p a s a

s e r s- b y c l os e r

a n d lo o k ,

‘ z i n e s ( S h o r t F a s t L o u d ! , M a x i m u m

an d h ad a f u n ti me , t h e f i rs t o f m an y f or

th

e

y en d e d u p in s h o ck a s t

h ey r e a l iz e d

R oc k An d R

o ll , U n de r T h e Vo l c a n o ) an d

ma ny

mo nt h s t o co me .

 

th a t it w a s a n en d o f an e r a . A s t im

e

o t he r o n e - o ff

cu lt

is s ue s

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ne d

t o

 

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p

a ss ed ,

th e

st ak e

s

g r ad u a ll y

w e nt

u p .

b e l u c k y e n o u g h t o p i c k u p ( L i s a

s c e n e o n L

o n g I s l a n d ? P e r m a n e n t

4

0 - 6 0 %

d i s c o u

n t s

f i n a l l y

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C

a r v e r ’s

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) .

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r y

mo nt h a t

R e c o r d s ( N o r t h p o r t ) , C h e a p o ’s

To w e r ’s f i n a l au d i e n c e i n a r u s h o f

l

e

a

st

$6 0

t o

$ 7 0

of

my mo n ey

w e n t t o

( C o m m a c k ) , L o o n e y Tu n e s ( We s t

s h o p p e r s, a to th e f in a

ch a n d is e w a s

n t h e e a

n d, i l

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s w

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me r- w h o p p in g 7 0-

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t he

e nd

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e xi s-

t en c e , I d i dn ’t p ic k up a s mu c h

B ab y lo n ), M o th e r

a n d

m y

n e w

’s M u si c ( P a tc

f a v o r i t e ,

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ho g u e ) , S t o p

( Ro n k on k o ma ).

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u s e

d

to

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th a t

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9

0 %

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b e c au s e , ju st li ke o t h e r b u y e r s, I

mu sic h ad t o

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e r a

nd j u st-

a s -g o o d sto r e s u s e d to b e

To w e r R e co r d s, in i ts l a st m on t hs , h a d

g a r n e r ed

n u m

it s

b ig g e s t

tu r n- o u t,

cu st o me r

i n c r e a s i n g

a s

t h e

d i s c o u n t s

st an d

ba ck

f ro m

p r ic

e s

c

o un t ch a in s

a s e s.

li ke

t h e h ig h e r- t h a n - u s u a l

a r o u n d . J i m i L a L u m i a ’s R e c o r d

f o r

re le

C o mp a r e d

t

o

di s-

C

o n n e c t i o n

( R o n k o n k o

m a

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b e r s

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a nd

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an d

i

ts C o mm a ck

e r e l uc ta n t to bu y an y n ew r e l e a s e o r a n y

i

n c r e a s e d .

M u s i c

co ll

c t o r s

a n d

f a n s

r e co r d sto r e s, it w a s n ’t u n u s u a l to f i nd a

w r e l e a s e w i th n o - f ri

ll s to be p r i c ed a t

sto r e w e nt

o ut

of

b us in e ss

d u e

t o

p

o or

s a l e s. N o ne O f Th e A b o v e ( C en te r re a c h)

a

h e a r t

a t t a c

k .

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e r ’s

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i n

C

en tr

a l I sl ip w a s s h u t d o w n d ue t o i l le -

g a l b oo t le g s a l e s, an d E c l e c ti c / Co mm on

ti tl

e t o c o mp le te

p

ri

c e ( n o w ad ay s,

t h e i r c o ll a n ew C D

e c t io n c a n to

a

t

fu l l

p o u t

a t $ 2 0) ju

mp ed

a t

th e

o pp o r tu n it y t o

c

l e a n o ut t he

s h e lv e s

h o v e r e d

a n d

a t a st e a l . Bu y e r s

e n t ir e

s e c ti o n s

n e $ 1 9 . 9 9 , o r e v e n

n o ti c e d , w e r e p ri c e d

h i gh e r t h an

s

om e

s h o pp e r s

s e n ti men t I d i d.

$ 2 1 . 9 9 . D V D s , I

a t ti

me s to b e $ 5 . 0 0

th e i r c o mp e t it or s’ .

e x pe r i en c ed

t

M a y be h e

s a me

co l la p s e d ju st li ke it s o w n e r, who d ie d of

s e a r c h ed

G r ou n d ( W h it man ) w en t to

th e w ay

of

lo o k in g f or t ha t o n e s h i n in g

c r o w n j ew e l

N o t

o n l y t

ha t,

th e f o rc e s

o f

I nt e r n e t

th

e

I n te rn e

t,

w h ic h

is

b a si c a ll y

th a t m ad e th e ir l if e ti me .

p i ra cy an d M P 3 do w n lo a di n g o f c ur r en t

th

e

s up p o s ed

n ew g ol d mi ne

of

w h e r e mu si c

A s a mu sic f a

n f o r mo r e th a n f if t e e

n

y e

a r s

p r o ve d

to

be

t

oo

do mi n an t an d

   

y e a r s, I c an ’t b eg in t o t e l l y o u h o w mu c

h

p o w e r f u l to

be st o pp e d. C o n s um e r s

r e -

a c qu i sit io n i s. Ev en th o u gh I do mo st of my

mu si c

To w e r h e l pe d s h ap e

my

mu sic a l

a

n d

r o u te d t he s y ste m r ig h t to th e ir ow n b ed -

te sti n g a t ho me , I st il l v e r y m uc h

p r e f e r

www.theston

ybrookpress.com

7

Joe Rios 1. Steve Irwin “off-ed” by stingray
Joe Rios
1.
Steve Irwin “off-ed” by stingray
Joe Rios 1. Steve Irwin “off-ed” by stingray Crikey! The Pre s s was truly shocked

Crikey! The Pre s s was truly shocked to hear that our beloved crocodile hunter was not killed by some horrible crocodile or shark accident, but stabbed in the heart by a stingray. We were all saddened. But the news that followed truly astounded us. In the period after Irwin’s death, deranged fans were killing stingrays in revenge. The stingrays got their revenge when one jumped into a fishing boat, stinging and almost killing a man. That will teach them not to fuck with stingrays.

Joe Rios 1. Steve Irwin “off-ed” by stingray Crikey! The Pre s s was truly shocked

2.

Sony releases PS3, gets ass handed to it by Nintendo.

In the middle of November, geeks and parents of spoiled children across the nation were lining up outside video game and electronic stores across the nation. What were they waiting for? The long awaited Playstation 3. The launch would have been a smashing success except for a few minor problems: 1. There weren’t even close to enough units for the masses of people that wanted them, allowing the extra greedy people of America to sell them to desperate parents for thousands of dollars! 2. The system itself was insanely priced, while the Nintendo Wi i sold for half the price! 3. The high demand and cost of the console led to individuals being mugged - occasionally at gunpoint - for the PS3s. 4. The console itself had issues with its reverse compatibility, problems that have only recently been addressed. Way to suck at life, Sony!

Joe Rios 1. Steve Irwin “off-ed” by stingray Crikey! The Pre s s was truly shocked
Joe Rios 1. Steve Irwin “off-ed” by stingray Crikey! The Pre s s was truly shocked
Joe Rios 1. Steve Irwin “off-ed” by stingray Crikey! The Pre s s was truly shocked

3.

“Hello My name a-Borat!”

Sacha Baron Cohen, the genius who created the character of Ali-G, released the smash hit “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” in November of 2006. The movie was so hysterical and demented that I do not even possess the words to describe it. So, go see it for yourself!

4.

UCLA tasers Student

It’s amazing that a riot didn’t break out at UCLA after a student was tasered by campus security. Thanks to students with camera phones, videos of the student being tasered were on MySpace in no time. Having seen the video of the relentless assault, I believe that if I were there, I’d be the guy throwing the first flaming garbage can!

5.

Oil tops out at over $75 a barrel.

Nothing kicks off a beautiful summer day like going to the gas station, and paying $3.50 per gallon for a 15 gallon tank of gas. I’m not quite sure why the prices for oil, and as a result gas, were so high, but I should probably thank the Republicans for lower - ing the prices just in time for elections… lot of fucking good it did you!

8

www.theston ybrookpress.com

Steve McLinden 1. College Student Mistakes Child Porn CD for Final Project
Steve McLinden
1.
College Student Mistakes Child Porn CD for Final Project
Steve McLinden 1. College Student Mistakes Child Porn CD for Final Project As Dateline NBC has

As Dateline NBC has shown us this year, there’s nothing more entertaining than catching pedophiles. At the end of the ‘06, from Connecticut’s Bristol Community College, we have 18-year-old Andrew Erickson giving his professor his child porn stash on CD- R instead of his final Computer Science project. I can only imagine what had to go through his mind when he realized what he’d done, but that’s the best part. “Oh snap. I am sorry,” he wrote in an e-mail to the professor, saying the disc was his friend’s music mix. But it was too late, he’s facing felony charges. Moral of the story: mislabeled CD-Rs = serious business.

Steve McLinden 1. College Student Mistakes Child Porn CD for Final Project As Dateline NBC has

2.

Bill O’Reilly OKs Terrorist Attack on San Francisco

Yes, everyone knows Fox News commentator and Nassau native Bill O’Reilly likes to troll for reactions. But sometimes he real- ly surpasses expectations. After The City By The Bay voted on an initiative to keep military recruiters out of their schools, the culture warrior himself gave the green light for violence. “… if Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, ‘look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco.’ You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.” And New Yorkers wonder why America hates us.

Steve McLinden 1. College Student Mistakes Child Porn CD for Final Project As Dateline NBC has
Steve McLinden 1. College Student Mistakes Child Porn CD for Final Project As Dateline NBC has
Steve McLinden 1. College Student Mistakes Child Porn CD for Final Project As Dateline NBC has

3.

Lance Bass Is Gay

Aha, I knew it! I knew it all along!

4.

Colbert at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner

You’ve probably seen the video online; it’s really the moment that pushed Colbert’s popularity past The Daily Show from which he originated. The in-character straight-faced jabs at Bush were just so perfect that I can’t help but read the transcript over and over from time to time. The uncomfortable looks on Laura and George’s faces, the deadpan audience, it was just brilliant. “This admin- istration is not sinking. This administration is soaring! If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!”

5.

Ted Stevens And The Series of Tubes

As Dave Barry would say, it sounds like a good name for a band. But this was Alaska’s Republican Senator ’s explanation of how the Internet works, as you probably saw on The Daily Show. “What happens to your own personal Internet? [Commercial enter- prises] want to deliver vast amounts of information over the Internet. And again, the Internet is not something you just dump some- thing on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it's going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of mate - rial…” I love it.

www.theston ybrookpress.com

9

Maddi Schecker 1. Saddam Hussein Hanged in a Television Special I know, I know, it wasn’t

Maddi Schecker

Maddi Schecker 1. Saddam Hussein Hanged in a Television Special I know, I know, it wasn’t
Maddi Schecker 1. Saddam Hussein Hanged in a Television Special I know, I know, it wasn’t
Maddi Schecker 1. Saddam Hussein Hanged in a Television Special I know, I know, it wasn’t
Maddi Schecker 1. Saddam Hussein Hanged in a Television Special I know, I know, it wasn’t
Maddi Schecker 1. Saddam Hussein Hanged in a Television Special I know, I know, it wasn’t

1.

Saddam Hussein Hanged in a Television Special

 

I know, I know, it wasn’t supposed to be taped or broadcast, but it was on every major news network at least five times a day for the entire week following the execution. The obvious objection would be to refer back to the infamous Janet Jackson “Titty Incident,” and ask why it is that it’s okay to see what amounts to a snuff film, but it’s not okay to see a titty, and a fake titty at that. But it’s not really about boobs and violence, it’s just about the viol ence, and why the hell is it okay to televise an execution? While I’m on the topic, who the hell thought it was okay to have a public execution in the first place? An inhumane execution for crimes against humanity could possibly be called hypocritical; it’s at the very least humorous in a morbid ironic way. Hell, might I make a connection between this and the execution of the Romanovs during the Russian Civil War? I’d better not, because that would be calling this a desperate show of power by forces afraid they were about to lose the war.

 

2.

Rocky 6 is Finally Released.

 
 

Hell, yeah. Oh, hell yeah.

 

3.

Four Typhoons Hit the Philippines in Four Months

 

One of the most devastating natural disasters since phenomenon clearly needs more study.

last year is largely ignored by mainstream American media. The entire

 

4.

Rumsfeld Resigns

 
 

I know, but why is the rum gone?

 

5.

Democrats Take Congress

And it’s about time, too. Also, the first Muslim is elected to Congress by the same state that elected Jesse “The Body” Ventura. I love the great state of Minnesota. Seriously, I only mentioned that it’s the same state because one so rarely gets to mention Jesse “The Body” Ventura anymore. “I ain’t got time to bleed!!”

10

www.theston ybrookpress.com

Alex Nagler 1. Gerald Ford dies at the age of 93. Gerald Ford, dead today. Senselessly

Alex Nagler

Alex Nagler 1. Gerald Ford dies at the age of 93. Gerald Ford, dead today. Senselessly
  • 1. Gerald Ford dies at the age of 93.

Gerald Ford, dead today. Senselessly eaten by wolves.

Alex Nagler 1. Gerald Ford dies at the age of 93. Gerald Ford, dead today. Senselessly
  • 2. Vice President Cheney Shoots A Man

The man apologizes for getting in the way of VPotUS’ shot, hating America. Irony is killed in the crossfire.

Alex Nagler 1. Gerald Ford dies at the age of 93. Gerald Ford, dead today. Senselessly
Alex Nagler 1. Gerald Ford dies at the age of 93. Gerald Ford, dead today. Senselessly
Alex Nagler 1. Gerald Ford dies at the age of 93. Gerald Ford, dead today. Senselessly

3.Congressman Mark Foley resigns in cyber-sex scandal with pages.

Asks how his favorite young stud is doing, almost misses floor vote due to text message cyber-sex, wants to know if you’re horny. Also chairs committee on sexual abuse of minors. Nearly wins reelection.

  • 4. Syd Barrett dies at the age of 60.

Crazy diamond finally stops shining. This had absolutely nothing to do with that one time Bob Geldof shaved his nipple off. Sadly, The Final Cut still sucks.

  • 5. Tony Snow named Press Secretary

Administration departs from reality by hiring Fox News commentator to serve as White House Press Secretary. Next up: Jack Bauer as Homeland Security Chief. “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?”

www.theston ybrookpress.com

11

Rebecca Kleinhaut 1. Democrats Forced to do Something Remember those guys (and gals) who never clapped

Rebecca Kleinhaut

Rebecca Kleinhaut 1. Democrats Forced to do Something Remember those guys (and gals) who never clapped
Rebecca Kleinhaut 1. Democrats Forced to do Something Remember those guys (and gals) who never clapped
Rebecca Kleinhaut 1. Democrats Forced to do Something Remember those guys (and gals) who never clapped
Rebecca Kleinhaut 1. Democrats Forced to do Something Remember those guys (and gals) who never clapped
Rebecca Kleinhaut 1. Democrats Forced to do Something Remember those guys (and gals) who never clapped

1.

Democrats Forced to do Something

 

Remember those guys (and gals) who never clapped during Bush’s State of the Union addresses? You might also know them as the people who sat around most of the time and watched the Republicans step on their faces. They now hold the majority of seats in Congress. Let’s hope that they act more like the leaders of this country and less like George Bush’s pet rocks.

 

2.

Illegal Immigration Causes Uproar

 

During the spring, thousands of people took off from work and took to the streets to support amnesty for illegal immigrants. In a time where so many things seem to make Americans mad, it was nice to see some people actually do something.

 

3.

Donald Rumsfeld Resigns

 

One time, I saw a woman that looked like Donald Rumsfeld. Now that he’s retired, he’ll have plenty of time to wear pillbox hats and try on jeans at the Gap.

 

4.

Danish Cartoons Depict Muhammad

 

Jyllands-Posten, a Danish newspaper, printed a series of cartoons with images of Muhammad. According to one of the editors, they printed the cartoons as a way to battle censorship of art. The cartoons ranged from simple to extreme; the one that caused the most uproar was a man with a ticking bomb for a turban. While 2006 was full of instances of free press going head-to-head with political correctness, this scandal took home the first prize ribbon because of its incorporation of current world affairs.

 

5.

Kim Jong Il: “Ronery” No More

You know that moment when you realize that you made a wrong turn, but instead of backtracking, you decide to just keep going? And then, you eventually reach a roadblock that’s really short, but it just happens to wear platform shoes, and it crushes your car? I thought so. Such is life.

12

www.theston ybrookpress.com

Alex Walsh 1. Keith Ellison Kicks Some Ass H e r e ’s what happened: Minnesota

Alex Walsh

Alex Walsh 1. Keith Ellison Kicks Some Ass H e r e ’s what happened: Minnesota
Alex Walsh 1. Keith Ellison Kicks Some Ass H e r e ’s what happened: Minnesota
Alex Walsh 1. Keith Ellison Kicks Some Ass H e r e ’s what happened: Minnesota
Alex Walsh 1. Keith Ellison Kicks Some Ass H e r e ’s what happened: Minnesota
Alex Walsh 1. Keith Ellison Kicks Some Ass H e r e ’s what happened: Minnesota

1.

Keith Ellison Kicks Some Ass

 

H e r e ’s what happened: Minnesota elected Keith Ellison, who became the first Muslim member of Congress. He said he was going to be sworn in on the Qur’an. Then this backward-ass motherfucker Vi rgil Goode, Representative from Vi rginia (do I even have to say he’s a Republican?), claims that good old Keith’s choice of religious text was “a threat to American civilization.” Ellison went on Wolf Blitzer’s pro- gram and totally took the high road. Here’s a bit of dialogue… Mr. Blitzer: “Do you think he’s a bigot?” Mr. Ellison: “You know what? I d o n ’t know the fellow. And, you know, I’d rather just say that he has a lot to learn about Islam. And, you know, we all have a lot to learn. I d o n ’t know him. I look forward to meeting him. I’m not afraid of being frank about my views about him, but I simply haven’t gotten a chance to get to meet him so I don’t want to start any name calling.”

 

2.

Steve Irwin Used to Kick Some Ass

 

Obligatory celebrity death story: Steve Irwin died this year, and it sucked. I thought he was pretty damn awesome. The world is much worse off without old Steve. I may not have learned a damn thing from his show, but he could always make me smile. I learn enough in class. Fuck that shit. I want to smile. Runner up: James Brown. Papa’s got a brand new body bag. You’ll be missed, James.

 

3.

US Congress: “What’s Love Got to Do With It?”

 

This marks the beginning of the section where I’ve chosen things because of funny lines in them. The debate in question here was about that silly gay marriage ban amendment Dubya’s so hot on. My personal favorite part was Rep. Todd Akin (R – Mo.) declaring that “Marriage is not about love.” What, then, could it be about? “It's about a love that can bear children.” Guess he’s just in it for the puussaaaay. On the subject of church and state, Rep. Phil Gingrey (R – Ga.) had the following to say in defense of his anti-gay marriage position: "I think God has spoken very clearly on this issue." One of those crazy liberals challenged him, but our boy Gingrey shut him down with this sick comeback: “I refer the gentleman to the Holy Scriptures."

 

4.

Dragon Hunting

 

The great year of 2006 saw a UK dragon-hunting expedition dispatched to search for the Nigerian creature Ninki-Nanka. According to the BBC, “Team leader Richard Freeman told the BBC, evidence so far was sketchy as most people died soon after seeing it.” Who the fuck did they get to join this expedition? “Help wanted: interns for dragon hunting expedition. You’ll probably die.”

 

5.

Norwegian Doomsday Vault

Norway started construction on a facility on the island of Svalbard to store frozen plant seeds to safeguard biodiversity in the event of a global catastrophe. When I saw this, I thought to myself, “Why Norway?” I mean, doomsday vaults are all well and good, but Norway seems like a pretty random place to put it. Then, I read this: “Fenced in and guarded, with steel airlock doors, motion detectors and polar bears roaming outside - the concrete facility will, its backers say, be the most secure building of its type in the world.” Polar bears! That’s what it is. You want a secure facility, surround it with bears. We’ve all seen Lost, right?

www.theston ybrookpress.com

13

George Bush Killed Alexander Litvinenko

By Natalie Schultz

___________

Not directly, but he most a ssuredly is

complic it in his de ath, as is Tony Blair. If

you a re like most people w ho get their

informa tion from We ste rn media outlets,

M u sli m i nv a sio n o f th e Ta t a r s an d

Ottom ans throughout the ir history. T h i s

fight is at the heart of Russian Nationalism

and this must be understood in orde r to

understand Putin’s na tiona lism as well a s

t he p r ob le ms in C h e ch ny a an d t he

Ba lkans. Unlike other Christian religions,

w he re ) t ha t c om pla in ed ab ou t th e Associated Press deliberate ly not sending its Americ an s ubscribers the same infor- mation about Russian mob crimes a s it sends out to its European subscribe rs. T h a t expla ins a lot, since A L L news agencies get the ir inform ation from A P or Reute rs. Who benefits from Litvinenko’s death? For sta rters, we must look at who exa ctly Litvinenko was: by the time of his death he was really nothing more than a pawn for Berezovsky and his fe llow exiled mafia men; before tha t he worked in the org a n- iz ed c rime division of the FSB (KGB) and was found to ha ve been a traitor. So, a fter he ‘left’ the FSB he claimed that he was orde red to take out Berezovsky and later

joined him in exile in London. Whethe r or not he really was orde red to take out

yo u a r e pr ob ably of the opi nio n

th a t

Eastern Orthodoxy doe s not try to convert

Ru ssia n P re si

de n t V la dim ir P u tin

ha d

othe rs, but it has had to defend itself

Litvinenko taken out for re searching the

mu rd e r o f R u ssia n jo ur n a li st A n n a

Politkovskaya. Of course, tha t is e asy to

believe conside ring tha t the whole truth

b eh ind Lit ve ne n k o an d h is mob ste r

cohorts has never been brought to the

a t te n tio n of th e av e r ag e Am e r ic an o r British c itiz en. W hy is tha t? Well, for starte rs, Litve nenko’s cohorts either own l a rge stakes in Western media or the com- panies that control what informa tion is dis- tributed to our media outle ts. The fact is, the situation is so complex and so pe rverse tha t very few people other tha n the Russian vic tims of the se mobsters and the Russian N a ti on a l is ts w h o h av e b ra ve l y t os s e d political corre ctness to the wind to c rack down on these murde rers actually know the truth about what is really going on. D is c l a im e r : U n d e r n or ma l c i rc um - stances I would be writing an in-depth analysis of a ll the c rimes Litvenenko’s associa te s have committed, c rime s Putin has cracked down on, and hence, pre tty obvious evidence as to why they are trying to frame Putin and the Kremlin for this m u r d e r. Howeve r, I have a really ba d ear infe ction and I can ba rely bre athe ; I’ve been sick a ll week, and so, I have all the se files on my computer but it’s like the info is going in one ear and being trapped in oblivion. I cannot write coherently enough and I’m a lready past the deadline , so my brain-fart is forcing me to write a pre tty weak artic le . So, a ll I c an say is the infor- mation is out the re , but it takes a lot of time to sort through all the blatant bia s of British and American pre ss re ports to ge t to the truth. You are probably thinking that I am a Russian Nationa list mys elf. Well, I am not Russian; in fact I was ra ised to ha te the Russians be caus e ever since Catherine T h e Great decided to annex my country and destroy the Grand Duchy of Lithuania we ha ve b e en u nd e r a st e ady ba r ra g e o f Russifica tion. That being said, although we hated the Russian Empire for destroy- ing our country, tha t was nothing com- pared to the total devasta tion of my people unde r the Bolsheviks; they not only stole our land but outlawed our religion as w ell. The de struction of the Russian Mona rchy was even wors e for us tha n the destruc tion of White Ruthenia; a t least the Russian Monarchy was willing to fight to save Europe at all costs, whether against the Ottomans, Napoleon or Hitle r. My people had to fight aga inst Ca tholic conversion from the Poles and the destruction of our language and culture by the Russians, but the Russians ha ve ha d to fight against the

against Islam and Communism. We s t e r n

E ur o pe w a s s p a r ed M us l im i nv a sio n

throughout history because of Russian and

P olis h forces de fe ating the Ottom ans on

the borders of Western Europe; unfortu-

na te ly this ha s led to We stern Europeans

viewing Eastern Europeans a s backwards be cause Christianity is a t the heart of their

  • i d e n t i t y. We ste rn media make s Putin out to be

George Bush Killed Alexander Litvinenko By Natalie Schultz ___________ Not directly, but he most a ssuredly

s ome sort of Sta linist dictator, but in reali- ty he has done a lot to protect the innocent Russian c itiz ens w ho were victims of the mobsters who controlled Russia under for- mer Preside nt Yeltsin. G ranted, his ta ctic s h a v e n ’t exactly been to the liking of the We st; instead he has opted to take immedi- a te action and end the problems without going through a lengthy court trial. How undemoc ratic , you may say. We ll, consid- e ring that the se mobsters a ctually rig the cou rts an d do bu sine ss w ith pow e rful We ste rners such a s the Bush family, I don’t exactly blame Putin for not trusting our ve rsion of “democracy. ” If our media real- ly is so “ fa ir and balanced,” they would a ls o be re porting on all the murders in Russia against people in Putin’s pa rty.

Re cent murde rs include the president of t he R us si an n o n- pr o fi t N a ti on a l O il Institute Foundation that works with the government to c reate small and medium-

siz ed bus inesses in the

oil and ga s industry,

and a popula r mayoral candidate in Putin’s “United Russia” Party in the Dalnegorsk re gion. The citizens of Russia were out- ra ged, but we didn’t hear about it. W h y ? Maybe because those who a re behind the killings are the ones who control the infor- mation tha t gets out to Western media; I re ad an artic le onc e (sorry, can’t remember

Berezovsky doesn’t have much be aring – a fte r a ll, any s an e p erson k nows tha t Be re zov s k y is n o th in g m or e th an a wealthy murderer who Gre at Britain wel- comed with open arms. Onc e in London, Be r e zo vs ky us ed Litv ine n ko to s me a r Putin and the Kremlin by commissioning him to publish his book, Bombing Russia, w hi ch b om be d in i ts ow n r ig ht . Lit vi ne nk o b e c a me a lia bi lit y to Berezovsky sinc e tha t book and articles he had written made Litvinenko and his mafia comrade s seem like luna tics by claiming tha t Putin is a pedophile who was actually behind the Beslan massacre and a l-Qa eda (Litvine nko was a Chechen sympathiz er who converted to Islam), and that the Ita lian Prime Minister is a ctually a Russian s p y. Now, why would Putin want to take him out if no sane person a ctually took him seriously to begin with? Even if the Kremlin did w ant to take him out, they most c erta inly would not be c razy enough to use such a s pe cific radioactive mate ria l tha t could only lead to a terror- r e l a t e d inve stigation; they’d just pop him one between the eyes. Th e ke y “w it ne sse s ” w ho p in th is Polonium 210 poisoning on the Kremlin:

Boris Be re zovsky, Leonid Nevz lin, A l e x Goldfarb and Mario Scaramella. Nevzlin

has been hiding out in Israel ever since Putin disbanded the Yukos Oil monopoly; Israel re fus es to extra dite him on charg e s of murde ring at least ten Russian civilians. Goldfa rb is the notorious American lawye r who manage s to spin everything in favor of the “Oligarchs,” and Scaramella is an I ta lia n w ho us e s hi s ‘ en vi ro n men ta l ’ agency as an unconvinc ing front to gain a ccess to various biologic al and nuclear weapons. Berezovs ky was one of seven

k ey “O l ig a r chs ” d ur in g

Ye l t s i n ’s

P r e s i d e n c y, during which time he managed to de fraud Russia a lmost to the point of tota l bankruptcy through va rious money- laundering s chemes. On July 8, 2000 Preside nt Putin de clared that he would e radic ate these “shady groups” tha t laun- der mone y and prevent a libe ra l market e conomy and take the law into the ir own h an ds . Be r e z ov s k y w a s a rr e st ed i n London in 2003, but he was la te r given

political asylum and eventually British cit- izens hip, and he changed his name to Platon Ye lenin (spe lling va ries). In 1996, James W. Micha els, editor of Forbes mag- a zine , stated, “Be rezovsky stands tall as one of the most powerful men in Russia. Behind him lies a trail of corpses, un-col- lectible debts and competitors terrified for their lives…. In Mos cow, a sking que stions about Be re zovsky was like being back there in pre-Gorbachev da ys. At the very mention of Berezovsky’s na me, people

would look a round furtive ly, lowe r their vo ic es and tr y to cha nge th e s ub je c t. Russians have good reason to be a fra id of

B e r e zo v s ky and p eop le l ik e

h im :

Emula ting the old communist bosses, the new crime boss es use KGB-tra ined a ssas-

sins and enforcers. In the prevalence of

b r uta lit y an d e xt ra le g a l p o we r g ra

bs ,

Russia ha sn’t finished pa ying the price for those 70 ye ars of communis m.” Berezovsky ha s been trying to topple the Russian government from the get-go, first taking adva nta ge of Ye l t i n ’s poor health to gain politic al power in Russia, and, ever sinc e he fled to England, he has been trying to topple Putin’s gove rnment from outside. Earlie r this ye ar, he came out and blatantly stated his plans to over- throw the Kremlin, so J ack Straw, then Britis h Foreign Secreta ry, warned him that he w as still on Inte rpol’s most-wanted list and that he had be tter watch out or he’d be deported ba ck to Russia. Jack Straw was then fire d from his position — no surprise, considering tha t Tony Blair and George W. Bu sh s e em to love the s e “Oliga rc hs. ” B u s h ’s brother Neil has been in business with Berezovsky for some time; they met this pa st Septembe r in Latvia, a meeting that went un-reported over he re, but was seen as highly suspicious by thos e in the k n o w. Th e Ba nk o f N ew Yo r k w a s involve d in a ma jor mon ey-la unde ring scheme with the Russian Mob in the la te 1990s that managed to wipe out the s av-

Continued on next page
Continued on next page

14

www.theston ybrookpress.com

George Bush (continued)

Continued from previous page

ings of millions of innocent Russians in orde r to inc rease the wealth of a few pow- e rful American and Russian “business- men” (and proba bly a handful of politi- cians as well). S o, why does the We s t e r n media give in so easily to a ccusations by the se crimina ls against Putin? Our media cheered on the US government for going after the Enron crooks, so why, when Putin did the same in Russia, did our media make him out to be the c riminal? His hands may not be totally c le an, but c an you hone stly say tha t Bush and Chene y and Halliburton are cleaner than him? If the War in Ira q has caus ed you to question our government, the n the re is no reason you should take these bla tant anti- R us si a a tta cks a t f a c e v a lu e e it he r. Throughout the 1990s We ste rn media has labeled the se murderous mobsters a s noth- ing more tha n billionaire “businessmen” or “b r a s h y ou n g c ap it a li sts ” w ho m th e Kremlin has undemocra tically ousted from p o w e r. On ly on e, th a t’s r ight, O NE, Americ an media outle t was bra ve enough to re port the truth about the brutal murders, rapes, human smuggling, money launde r- ing, and rampant theft of money from innocent Russian civilians by the se so- called Oligarchs whom Putin ousted. T h a t media outle t was Forbe s, the fina nc ia l powerhouse tha t realized that, in the long run, all the money that the Americ an politi- cians and Wa ll S treet and the ba nking industry ga ined from supporting Russian o rganiz ed c rime would not be worth it. Forbe s knew that, a s long a s the “Gang of Seven” controlled Russia, she would be u ns t abl e an d ev en tu a ll y c oll ap s e . U n f o r t u n a t e l y, because of his reporting the

truth about Be rezovsky and othe rs, Forbe s journa list Paul Klebnikov was murde red in 2004 in Moscow. In response, a friend of his s aid, “Experienced expatriates from Rus sia s hared an essentia l rule : Don’t c ross the se bruta l billionaires, ever, or you’re likely to go home in a box. ” Tw o C he che ns linke d to R ussia n org a n i z e d c rime were arrested, but the trial was com- pletely rigged, and, this November 9th, the S upreme Court ordered a re-trial.

Unlike other Christian re l i - gions, Eastern Orthodoxy does not try to convert others, but it has had to defend itself against Islam and Communism

Every single Russian exile who ha s come out as a witne ss to this poisoning and blam ed the Kremlin is on Inte rpol’s most- wanted “Red List,” and every single one of them ha s ties to Israel; e ither the y a re liv- ing the re in exile , as Israel refuses to extra- dite known c riminals, or, in the case of B e r e z o v s k y, he is an Israeli c itiz en living freely in London be caus e Gre at Britain re fuses to extradite anyone if Israel askes it not to do so. It is a well-known fact that Russian orga nized c rime is direc tly linked to Israel. Why? Because Israel knows that Russia has enough power on its own to prevent Israel’s dre am of a One Wo r l d Government; Isra el almost suc ceeded by taking advantage of Ye l t s i n ’s illne ss to put the “Gang of Seven” in power. Luckily for the re st of the world, Ye ltsin was s mart enough to appoint Putin as his successor, know ing that his s ense of na tiona lism

would destroy their N ew World Order agenda. P utin is not c razy; he knows tha t our conc ept of “democ racy” has virtually an ni hi la t ed We ste r n Eu ro pe an d h a s caus ed the United States and Brita in to go to war with Iraq and thre aten every other nation on the plane t, and he knows tha t the only way to stop the NWO from taking ove r Russia as well is to take a no-holds- ba rr ed ap pr o a ch in o u stin g t he Ne o- Bolshevik mobste rs.

It doesn’t matter what you call them:

Neo-Cons in the USA, Zionists in Israel an d e ls w h e r e , I llu mi na ti, Ru ssia n Oligarchs or the S oc ial-Democ rats and Christian-Democrats in Europe , they a re a ll th e s am e : a h an d fu l o f p o we rf u l Synarchists willing to de stroy the pe ople who elected them in order to advance the ir mysterious globa l domination. Putin real-

iz es this, and tha t is why he has taken a stance of ‘it’s e ithe r us or them ’ and, in

turn, ha s d ecide d to s upport the on

ly

regimes tha t will have nothing of the New World O rde r; so he ha s sold arms to Iran and re fus es to OK sanc tions against our other enemie s. Doe s Putin actually like the Islamic regimes? No; like I said, he is

an old-sc hool Or tho dox Christia n, and Islam has a lways been our arch-nemesis. The unfortuna te truth is tha t if Russia d o e s n ’t s upport the weak regimes whom the We ste rn World ha s promised to annihi- la te , onc e the Ara b world is gone, Russia will be ne xt on the hitlist. Sometimes you have to make a deal with the devil to s ave yourse lf from he ll. Trying to find out the “truth” is ne arly impossible , but there a re a fe w decent website s that aren’t comple te ly biased. If you google any of these na mes, only pro- Berezovsky information pops up, but if

you type in “Russian mob” be fore or after, more inte re sting information appe ars. A few good sites are the Ame ric an Russian Law Institute (www. r u s s i a n l a w. o rg) and the Centre for Russian Studies Database ( w w w. n u p i . n o / r u s s l a n d / d a t a b a s e / s t a r t . h t m , a Norwegian site in English that give s a chronology of events with no biased analy- sis e ither way). A re ally great w ebsite with an hone st, geopolitical-econom ic perspec- tive tha t covers everything the media and politicians don’t want you to know about is Sande rs Research Associates (non-profit think-tank, but you must subscribe to read most of the a rticles) at (www. s a n d e r s r e- s e a r c h . c o m . It’s time to wake up! The world has become too dangerous for us ‘laypeople’ to just accept what we are told at face value. If Fox News ‘analysts’ can serious- ly sit there and say with a straight face that Putin is the new Stalin, then there is defi- nitely something wrong. Only one person during that debate was willing to state the obvious: Stalin murdered between 20-60 million people; it is utter blasphemy to equate Putin with him. Mark Levin, the most annoying talk radio personality (in my opinion), just the other day went off against Putin and the UN because they are preventing us from taking out Iran and Syria! If the majority of Americans are really against the war in Iraq, then they h ave to re a li z e tha t the s e a c cu sat ions against Russia are just another smoke - screen to distract us from realizing who the real criminals are: the governments of the United States, Great Britain, and Israel. We harbor these criminals, allow them to deal in “weapons of mass destruction,”

and sim u lta ne ous ly c la im

tha t w e a re

righteously fighting a “War on Terror.”

No Hybrids without Representation

George Bush (continued) Continued from previous page ings of millions of innocent Russians in orde r

“The product of evil interspecies mating experiments”

CNN

By Alex H. Nagler ___________

My fellow Americans, the State of our Union is full of wood chips, grasses, and agri-

cultural waste. Yes, it’s my favorite time of the non-election season. It’s the State of the Union address, or, as the Constitution calls it, “He shall from time to time give to the Congress information of the state of the

union….” This annual media Mongolian Clusterfuck has evolved from a simple letter written by the President to be read by a page to an hour-long event that pundits declare successful based on how often the Congress stands up and claps. This year’s State of the Union started off d i fferently than any other, ever. This is because the first two words of the formal address were “Madame Speaker,” signifying the power of the new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. For the first time since 2002, President Bush faced off against a Congress that wasn’t under Republican control. T h e r e were fewer prolonged standing ovations for this speech, with the President interrupted for a mere 14 minutes. This is a significant downturn from his career high of 18 minutes. This was also matched with a significant decrease in grandiose promises. Gone were the mission to Mars and the hydrogen fuel cells. Instead, we were greeted with troop increases and the mildly frightening prospect of an increase in the size of the standing a r m y. Iran and Syria were shoved into the

www.theston ybrookpress.com

spotlight as the President talked of democra- tizing the Middle East. Iraq was on the front burner as President Bush reinforced the need to stay the course, achieve the mission, and somehow single-handedly blame the Shia sect of Islam for the troubles of the entire Middle East. Among the more comical points of this

y e a r’s speech was

the call for general biparti-

sanship, a first for President Bush’s speeches and a re curring theme since the 2006 midterm elections. You know that a speech is not well-received when even Fox News calls it “flat.” All in all, I was thoroughly unim- pressed by this speech. However, the images of a death glare from Condi Rice and a poker- faced Hillary Clinton made the entire speech worth it. Oh, and “Son of the Congo.” W h a t the hell was Bush thinking calling Dikembe Mutombo, a 7’2” center for the Houston Rockets, a “Son of the Congo?” Now that was funny.

Alex Nagler is Madame Speaker! The P resident of the United States!

15

Pat Robertson Was Right All Along;

Northern Liberal Elite Unfolds Plan to Put

Christian into Conentrations Camps

 

By Joey Safdia

 

of the Chris tia n faith and its follow ers.

s a y, despite n ot having a ny figure s to back

c amps,”

according to Murtha .

 

_

“ To d a y m a r k s t h e r i s e o f th e

it up, tha t approx ima te ly 120% of a ll

In an e ffort to make the concentration

 
  • D emoc ratic

Cong ress, w hich will from

mos que s in A meric a are run by extremists.

c amps more “fabulous ,”

the LGBTA h a s

Wit h

t h e

ex c ep t io

n o f f a r r i g h t

 

toda y forw ard be know n a s the

Fourth

I’m sure the Pr esid ent would agre e tha t

s ent repres enta tive s who w ill be ove rs ee-

R ep u b li c a

n s a nd ex tr e mi st C h ri st ia n s,

Re ic h,” announc ed Pelosi, he r eyes re d

i t ’s a good idea ha d P elos i n ot jus t stripped

ing c e rta in func tion s of the camps, such as

most of A merica brus hed off evange lic a l

w ith the fire s of Hell.

“I he re by de c lare

him of his powe r. ”

inte rio r de cor ating and uniform de sign.

le a de r a n d 7 0 0 C lu

b

fo u n d e r

P

a

t

myself the s ole rule r of the Unite d Non-

Re pr e s e nt a ti ve J a c k M u r th a ( D -PA )

The arrangement of f urniture in c ells

w ill

Robe rts on whe n he state d in a 1993 inter-

  • C h r i sti a n

S t a t e s

o f a N o n - C hr i st ia n

then dis closed to the liber al media (which

be dete rm ine d by fe ng shui; priso n uni-

view with Molly Iva ns , “ J ust like wha t Naz i Germany did to the Jews, so libe ra l

A merica ! I would love to s ee tha t he re tic

Bus h stop me no w!”

will, starting tomorr ow, be delive ring non- stop le ftist p ropaga nda in orde r to advanc e

for ms will cons ist of tigh t pa nts, ope n- che ste d s hirts , an d pink s c arves, and all

Americ a is now doing to the evange lic a l

Ca ckling with evil gle e , Pelosi unve iled

th e in te r e st s of th e

in fa llib le

S p e ake r

inte rio r ha llwa ys will be p ainte d bright

Christians . It’s no diffe re nt. It is the s ame

a bold ne w pla n to

put a ll Chris tia ns,

Pelosi) the exa ct de ta ils of th e c amps’

pink. In addition, “ It’s Raining Men,” by

thing . It is happening a ll ov er aga in.

It is

th e D e moc ra tic C on gr e ss, th e l ib e r a l- ba sed media, and the homos exu als who want to de stroy the Christia ns. W h o l e s a l e abuse and disc rim ina tion and the wors t bi go tr y d ir e c te d t ow a r d any g ro up i n Americ a today. More terrible than any-

thing suffe re d by any minority in history. ” M os t A me r ic an s, mo st no ta b ly lib e r a l Democra ts, scoffe d a t Rober ts on’s seem- ingly pa ranoid rema rks, counte ring that no U.S. domestic policy in history (with the exception of slave ry and the Japa nese- Ame r ic an in te rn ment c amps ) ha s eve r born any re sembla nc e to thos e of A d o l f H i t l e r. In fa c t, many ha ve compla ined tha t Americ a is too politi c a lly and s ocia lly in f l u en c ed b y t h e Ch r i st ia n f a it h . H o w e v e r, re c ent eve nts ha ve prove n the form er Re publica n pre side ntial c and ida te correct. With the rise of the Democr atic

Congre ss, Americ a is

doing to evange li-

c als just wha t Naz i Germ an y did to the

Jews —and the n s ome. On J anuary 4th, 2007, Nanc y Pelosi (D- CA) w as s worn in a s the firs t female

Spe aker of th e H ouse of Re pre senta tive s. Right away, h er c rus ade aga inst Christian

mor ality be ga n wh en, in

a sudde n display

of sexua l prom isc uity, s he a llow ed chil- dre n to come up and “touc h he r ga vel” on

na tiona l tele vision. Onc e she and the chil- dre n were done ba nging an d gavel-touch- ing, s he revea led to a shoc ke d public tha t the Democ ratic P arty ha s be en s ecre tly orde ring the S upre me Court to rule aga ins t co ns e rv a t iv e s i n ho mo s ex ua lit y- r e l a te d fre e sp eech c a ses, such a s thos e that a ris e whe n te a chers and profe ss ors ar e fired from public institut ions for ha rboring anti- ga y attitude s. Having e rode d f ree spee ch for cons e rvative Chris tia ns, she and her co-cons pirators —which ha ve be en con- firme d to inc lude the Democra tic Party, everyone on the le ft of th e politic al spec- trum, libe rta rians , the pro-c hoic e move- ment, the h om os exua l co mmu nity, the

media , eve ry Muslim and/or A rab

in the

mainlan d United Sta tes, M exic an immi- gra nts, and ke y members of Al Q aeda— marke d tha t da y as the beginning of “pa rt- ne rship, ” not “pa rtis anship,” and the end

re ga rdles s of de nom ina tion, into con cen- tra tio n c amps. The de tails, w hich have be en in the w orks sinc e the e a rly 1990s,

s e t u p s . Each congre ssiona l distric t w ill ha ve a c amp adja cent to the distric t’s la rge st pub-

Pat Robertson Was Right All Along; Northern Liberal Elite Unfolds Plan to Put Christian into Conentrations

“Her Greatness’s First Satanic Sex Orgy”

courtesy of The Norther n Liberal Elite.

C-SPAN

ha ve be en fina liz ed in bipa rtisa n ta lks

li c e l em en t a r y s c h oo

l .

A

D e m o c r a t i c

be twe en the D emoc ratic Party’s Pelosi

C o ng r e ss m an o r, i f n e c e ss a r y, a

and the N azi Party’s re surre c ted corpse of H i t l e r. Conc entr ation c amps ha ve a lr eady be en up and runnin g in de signa ted tow ns for six mon ths and have met with sta rtling ope ra tio nal succ ess.

libe ra l/s oc ia list sta te lawmake r will over- see the camps. A 50-foot concre te wall will sepa ra te the inte rne d Christia n pris- one rs fro m the s chool’s stude nts and fa c- u l t y, with many involved in the initia l

The F ourth Re ic h pla ns to have all

pla nning pha s es

r ef erring

to

it

a s

the

Chris tia ns in c amps by the end o f the month. The y w ill a ll be exte rmina ted by e a rly 2010. “And thus, the ‘ Final Solution’ to the ‘Chr istian Proble m’ will have been carr ied

“ J e ffe rsonia n Wa ll.” The prison ers

will

spend the re st of their na tura l lives per- f o r mi ng b a c k br e ak i n g p h y sic a l la b or while being degr aded, hum ilia ted, sta rve d, be aten, torture d, raped, and kille d on a

out, ” s a id P elos i, moments

be fore kicking

da ily ba sis.

a ba by. House Democ rats appla ude d the

“At this time , ther e is no s et system for

kic king of the ba by.

 

de te rm ining whic h prisone rs will be be a t-

 

Congr ess w as divided on the

issu e, with

en, which prisone rs will be ra pe d, which

  • D emoc rats una nimous ly be ing

in favor of

one s will be s hot, or whic h on es w ill sim-

the

ide a and Repu blic ans be ing je alous

of

ply be le ft a lone ,” said Murtha. “At this

not

thinking of using conc entra tio n camps

point, we will proba bly le ave it up to the

f i r s t . “ If I had known tha t was even an option, I w ould ha ve propose d putting ga ys an d Mus lim s into c amps a long time a g o - e s p e c i a l ly M u sl im s, ” s a i d

g u a r d s . ” Murtha a ls o told re porters , jus t be fore ha ving the Christian re porters ta ken away to the Smithsonia n c amp, tha t the most ha rdcor e, gung-ho, insa ne , muscle -bound,

R e p re s e n ta ti v e P e t e r K i n g ( R- N Y ), mom ents before he was dr agged out by

non-Christia n marine s will be chose n to be reassigne d as prison guards , regardle ss

a r me

d

g u a rd s

t

o

b e

p l a c ed

in

th e

of the ir a c tual training or qua lific a tions .

S mith so nia n Con c entr a tion Ca mp , fo r-

“Anyone who jus t wants to s hoot someone

me rly

the Smithsonia n N ationa l Air and

e ls e without conse que nc es is almost guar-

S pace Mus eum. “After all, I can s af ely

ante ed to be a gua rd in one of thes e

the Weathe r Girls,

will

be pla yed in

all

c a fe te ria s during

mea ltim es. LGBTA r e p-

re s enta tive s will als o make s ure that the

conc entra tion c amps advanc e the hom o- s exu al agenda , though the organiz ation is still unsur e a s to w hat the homos ex ual age nda is and ha s re solve d to find the answ er out from Chris tia n inte rne es, many of w hom ha ve be en speaking about the da nge rs of the hom osexua l agend a for

y e

a r s. I t h a s a l s o p r e ss ed t h e n e w

D emoc ratic Cong ress to pa ss an amend-

ment to the Cons titution limiting m a rriage

to eithe r tw o men, two wom en, or one hum an and one dog.

K eith Ellis on (D -MN) spoke

of big

pla ns for his c amp. “As the fir st Mus lim e le cted to Congre ss, I fe e l it’s my d uty to s how the Christians tha t Isla m is the anti-

A merica n, wom an-hating, terr orist de ath cult tha t they’ve be en s aying it is. That is w hy I will be in itia ting a progra m in w hich one inte rne e w ill be chose n a t ra n- dom to stra p himself with bombs and de t- ona te hims elf or he rself in the middle of a c rowd of fe llow prisone rs. After a ll, noth- ing makes you f eel c los e r to Allah tha n blowing the limb s off your family, frie nds, and a bunc h of o the r ra ndom pe ople. ” “ I truly belie ve that this will prove to na ys ayers tha t Allah is not the same as the

Chris tia n G od, despite the fa c t th at ‘A lla h’ is the A rabic word for ‘God’” , added Ellis on. “Afte r a ll, w ould A llah eve r say s omething as peac e ful, loving, forg i v i n g , t o le r an t, o r c om p a t ib l e w i th c i vi li z ed de mocr atic socie ty a s, ‘And if a man s ell his daughter to be a maids ervant, she shall not go out a s the menserva nts do’ ( E x o d u s 21:7)? No, of course not. Nor w ould the de ity of an evil de a th cult out to de stroy c iviliz a tions eve r go on re cord s aying that thos e who work on the Sabba th shall be put to de a th, a s God did in Exo dus 35:2.” F uhre r Pelos i also took time during a fte r he r spee ch to talk about the future of educ a tion. Sh e said tha t, while pub lic s cho ol progra ms would not inhe re ntly be

h an g i n g, cu r r e nt p r o gr a ms w il l b e pus he d into overdr ive .

c

Continued on next page
Continued on next page

16

www.theston ybrookpress.com

Continued from previous page

“My ne w ‘P elos i Yo u t h ’ initi a tives will

in do c tr ina t e ch ild

re n in to th e G od le ss

Churc h of Libe ra lis m, w hich will tomor-

row sac rific e Ann Coulter a s a sh ow of

z ens to re volt aga inst Pelosi’s ne w dicta - tors hip and sec ede from the U nion. Upon mention of the South sec eding, the North ha s da red them to “go ahead and do it”, stating tha t “we won’t stop you this time

gra titude for ha ving e sta blis hed

it, ” said

a r o u n d . ”

Pelosi, still stroking he r g avel. “The chil- dre n w ill be forc ed against the wills of

their pa rents to tole ra te homos exu ality, que stion th e existe nce of Go d, and pra c- tic e multicultura lis m. By the end of 2008, the prog rams will be so effe ctive that boys will be a cting like girls, girls will be a c t- ing like boys , A merica ns will be a c ting

P re si d en t G e o rg e W. Bu s h t ol d re porte rs mom ents be fore ge tting onto A i r F or c e O n e , “T h is c o u n tr y, t hi s g r e a t na tion, is no longer a safe ha ve n for me to…to pre ss my-my Christia n belie fs onto othe rs. That is why I am going to live in Ira q. They ha ve fre edom the re. They have

like fore igners , and everybo dy

w ill be

.the y ha ve de mocra cy. They have fr ee- dom from tyra nny. I should know. I gave

scre wing s heep. You know, just like the

the m that

freedom . The -the Iraq i peo ple

a the ists do. ” While support for concentration c amps

w a s u n a ni m ou s a

mo n g st D e mo c r a t s,

Re pr esenta tive Cha rlie

Ra nge l ( D-N Y)

expressed concern about the makeup of

the interne e s. “Christians a re tak ing the full brunt of inte rnm ent. I propose tha t a ll A m e r i c a n s be req uire d to s ubje c t them selve s to the

h o rr o r s o f c on c a nnounce d Range l.

en t r a t i on c a mp s, ” “This way, the re li-

gious, ethnic , and e conomic makeu p of inte rne e s w ill re flec t tha t of Americ a as a whole . Not only tha t, but future la wmak- e rs will not a bus e this syste m in the future if they an d their f amilie s will end up suf-

fe rin g the conse que nc es.” Unf ortun ately for Ra nge l, only Re pre sentative Murtha supporte d his proposa l. “ I w ould also like to po int out tha t I am a tool. A com ple te fucking tool,” added Ra ngel. S urve ys show tha t a w hopping 95% of Americ ans agree, w ith the other 5% not being s mart enou gh to know wha t

the “Je ffe rsonia n and the re fore not

Wall” is a refere nc e to be ing importa nt enough

to ha ve an opinion. In an ironic twist of semantic s, form er Pr eside nt Bill Clinton approa che d H er Supre me Supre mene ss Pelosi, re questing that he be a llow ed to take any inte rne e he de sire d to be his intern. “ I did not ha ve sexua l re la tions with that wom an,” he s a id, pointing to a pre tty

blonde te enage girl on the floor in front of

him, crying in a fe ta l p osition. “Ye t . ”

C o ns e r v a

ti v e C h r is t i an s a nd

Re public ans in ge ne ra l, inc lud ing thos e who a re not m embers of Congre ss, ope nly re siste d the F ourth Reic h’s conc entra tion

c amps. As members of the U nited Non- C h ri st i an S ta te s o f a N on - C h r is ti an Americ a Marine Corps (UNCS NCAMC) bre ak into the hom e s of Christians and dra g out family members at gunpoint to be

p la

c e d in t h e s e c a mp s, in f l u en t ia l

Southe rn Re publica ns ha ve c alle d on c iti-

c rie d out to be libe ra ted, and A m e r i c a

answ er ed the c a ll. A nd now tha t the evil dic tator is d ead, now tha t the y ha ve fr ee- dom , Ira q is a s afe pla c e for a ll. ”

C a li f o r ni a R e pu b l ic an G o v e r n o r

A rn old S chw a r z ene g ge r wa

s

la st

s e en

a ttac king the s oldie rs who were order ed to

a rre st him. When questione d by the libe r-

a l r eporte r, Schw a rz ene gge r ’s r e spo nse

w a s

in c o mp r eh e n sib l e

t h o u g h

th e

, re porte r said he be liev ed he he ard the w ords “g irly man” s econds be fore the “Gove rna tor” r ippe d out his s kull and

w ore it a s a h elmet. B ill O’ Re illy, h os t of Th e O’ Reilly F a c t o r, be ga n yelling inc e ssantly at sol- die rs and bysta nde rs while stan ding on a pa tc h of gra ss he c alle d his “No Spin Zone ” moments be fore he was savag ely be a ten by the UNCSNCA Marines in front of che ering libe ra l c row ds. I n the conc en tra tion camp s, pin k sca r f-

w e a r i n g

in te r n

e e s h a v e d e c l a r e d P a t

R ob e rts on t o b e t he

se cond

C hr is tia n

M e ssia h. Whe n int er vie w ed by the libe ra l

medi a, Robe r tso n exp re ssed not hing but

s ho ck w ith the situ a tion an d do ubt o ve r

h is appa r en t abil itie s

to p re dic t the fu ture .

“O h man, I c an’t b e lie ve wh a t I s a id

r e a lly c ame true . I me an, I w a s jus t bu ll-

s h i t t i n g w h e n I s a id i t , ”

a

s t u n n e d

R obe r ts on to ld th e wo rld. “ I me an, com e o n. I t s ou nde d p re tty ri dic ulo us a t the ti me. I’ ve s a id in the p a st tha t the femi- n is t move men t te lls w om en to kill th e ir ch ildr en, pr a c tic e witc hc r a ft, d e str oy c ap- it a lism , an d b e com e le s bia n s. I ’ve t old

p eopl e th a t Pla n ne d P a re n tho od

te a ch e s

ch ildr en to ha ve s ex with an im a ls . I ’ve

c a ll ed for th e ‘ god ly fu miga tio n’ of a ll n on- Chr is tia ns . I c an’t be lie ve an ybo dy

k m e s e r io u sl y. I ’ m d o u b l y s ho cke d t ha t on e of my non sen si c a l, ps y-

e

v e

r

t

o o

c

h o t ic

 

r am b l in g s

e v e r

p r o v e d

t r u e .

I

me an , re a lly th oug h, in 19 93, and eve n u ntil 2 006 , it w a s a p re tty outla n dis h th ing to s ay. ”

An Onomatopoeia Is Worth .001 Word

Continued from previous page “My ne w ‘P elos i Yo u t h ’ initi

SLAP

Courtesy of BAM!

A w a st e o f ti m e b y J o e y S a fd i a _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It i s u nf or tun a te t ha t mo st stud ent s in

thi s un ive r sity do n’t s e em to r e a li z e th a t

T he

Sto ny Broo k Pre s s is an o pe n fo ru m.

Yo u d on ’t ha v e to be a st a ff memb e r to con tr ibu te . An yti me yo u fe e l yo u ha v e

s om e th in g to sa y and yo u w ant to s ha r e

tha t me ss age

w ith you r f e llo w stu de n ts ,

yo u a re mor e tha n

w e lc o me to pu t i t in

the f orm of an ar tic l e o r pho to or wh a te v- e r e ls e yo u ne ed an d s end it to u s to b e pu bli sh ed f or y ou. H ow ev e r, d uri ng th e

t i m e I ’ v e b e e n w i t h t h e P re s s , I ’ v e

no tic ed th a t n ot on ly do the

edi tor s and

s t a ff pu blis h

a r tic l e s

fo r

yo u,

the

stu-

de n ts , bu t th ey a ls o wr ite t he m

f or you ,

too . Yo u

ha v e n o s ay

o n w h a t th

a t tiny

a rt ic le on pa g e 37 is ab out . Yo u h ave no

cho

ic e

o n wh a t me ss age

it

i s

tr yi ng

to

c o n v e y, w ha t

st or y

it

i s

t ry ing

We

ll, no w y ou d o! B e c aus e f or th e

te ll.

fir st

to

(a n d p ro ba b ly la st) tim e in the h is tor y of

jou rn a lis m,

y ou w ill r e ad an a r tic l e w rit-

te n com p le te ly i n o no ma to po e ia s.

y o u ,

d e a r

r e a d e r,

c an

u s e

t h e

N ow s o u nd

e ffe c t s to cr e a te an ar tic l e o f yo ur c hoi c e .

Yo u,

w ill

no t me

or any

o the r P re ss

st a ff e r,

a r tic le

i s

de c ide

w ha t this

ab ou t.

L

e t ’s b egi n:

Cl ic k , Rm mm mm, Vr oo m, S c r e e ch ,

C

r a s h ,

P o w,

B a

W h a m,

K e r s p la m

, K a b l o o e y, Ka bla m- o, W h a ck, W h o o s h ,

m ,

F w oo mp, Cre e a a a ak , S qu oo sh , S qu oo ch,

S q u i s

h ,

Th r a s h ,

P u n ch ,

W h i p ,

C h o p ,

K ic k , Sn or e ,

Rum b le , Voom , K abo om ,

S m a c k , S i i i i i g h , H u b b a H

u b b a ,

H ah aha h aha h aha , Tos s, S iz z le , Sp loo ch

S p lo oc h,

C a ck le ,

Th o om p ,

W h i i i i r r r r r,

B

e ep - b e e p - b e e p ,

W h o o o o o o o o o o s h ,

B e epb oo pb e epb oo p, Ex plo de , C ru mble , A hh hh hh hh hh hh hh, Co ug h Co ug h, P op P op , Yaw w w w n n , A ch o o , G l u g g l u g, G A S P, Ta p t ap ta p, Clic k c lic k c lic k , O h

 

c r ap

de le t e de l e te

de le te ,

S ma ck , Bo w

C

hic ka B ow Wo w, Din g-d on g,

R ing Ri ng

R in g P ho ne C a ll P h on e

Ca l l,

W h a - ? ,

S n i k t ™ , T h w i p ™ , B i f f , P o w, B o o m,

Z o

w w i e e e e e ,

C r a p ,

Ti

n k l e ,

S n a p ,

C

r a c k l e ,

P o p , C h e w,

N O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O , F a p

f ap f ap fa p fa p fa p f ap f ap fa p fa p fa p f ap f ap f ap fa p fa p fa p f ap f ap fa p fa p fa p f ap

f ap f ap fa p fa p fa p f ap f ap fa p fa p fa p f ap f ap f ap fa p fa p fa p f ap f ap fa p fa p fa p f ap

f ap f ap, K AB OO O OM , B ow B ow Wo w !

Ch ic ka

 

Th e re

yo u

g o.

You

ha v e ev e ry thi

ng

y ou

n e ed

y ou

to

c re a t e y ou r

ow n a r tic le ! A l l

n e ed

to

do i s add a tit le , ch a r a c te r s,

sto ry lin e , me ss age to con ve y, an d de c ide

w he the r i t w ill b e b a s ed on r e a l l ife

ev ent s

or

co mpl e te f ic ti on.

N ow,

st op

r e ad ing a ll

tho s e

ot he r pr e -w r itte n

a r ti-

c l e s in thi s pa p e r,

an d u s e my gu id e lin e s

t

o c r e a te you r ow n! I’ ve st a rte d y ou off ,

t

he r e st is up to yo u!

Continued from previous page “My ne w ‘P elos i Yo u t h ’ initi

www.theston ybrookpress.com

17

Life On Mars?

By Larry Lamb

But it seems scientists have not given up

___________

yet, as they are looking in new directions.

Reading the title of this article may lead

one to believe that I belong to an Internet

conspiracy forum. However these are not

some zany ideas from an overweight Linux

user who has nothing better to do than

develop asinine “theories” on a Saturday

night while his fellow Homo sapiens a r e

copulating.

Well to start things off, there may be life

on Mars. To be clear, I am not talking about

intelligent life or even multicellular life. But

there is news to report. There is strong evi-

dence to suggest that there may be life or was life on Mars. After the Viking landings on Mars were unable to find any microbes on the surface, it seemed that the general public gave up any hope of finding any life. H o w e v e r, over the past few years there has been a renewed interest in the possibili- ty of finding life on Mars. The most exciting discovery in the past few years was when fossilized microbes were found in a Mars meteorite . H owe ver thes e foss iliz ed microbes turned out to be rock formations; when the gold coating was removed from samples of the meteorites, microbes that where once round and cell-like became more rigid and rock-like. Yet again, one more nail in the coffin in the search for life on Mars.

Water is essential for life; no water, no life.

So, using this fact that water is essential for

life, scientists have started looking for evi-

dence of active water channels on Mars. In

the early 2000’s, small channels were found

below the surface of Mars. These channels

believed to be formed by the movement of

w a t e r. But in 2006 anothe r bump was

encountered - these channels were found to

be made by micro-meteorites.

But there is a new light shining on this

s t o r y. This light was revealed this past

D e c e m b e r. NASA discovered evidence of

occasional water flow on Mars. The images showed changes in sediment deposits and change in the geometry of the sediment channels. The images NASA studied did not show direct water flow, but nonetheless, this is strong evidence in support of active water channels up to several years ago on our lit- tle red friend Mars. There is skepticism, which is essential for good science. The skepticism lies in that sand being blown around can create the illu- sion of water flow. Whether it is water or sand that created these movements in sedi- ment, we can not ignore the evidence. A n d therein lies the beauty of science, pressing on in the search for evidence and lack of evidence to support or disprove a new dis-

  • c o v e r y.

Life On Mars? By Larry Lamb But it seems scientists have not given up ___________ yet,

“Could life have existed here?”

NASA

Life On Mars? By Larry Lamb But it seems scientists have not given up ___________ yet,

18

www.thestonybrookpress.com

Life On Mars? By Larry Lamb But it seems scientists have not given up ___________ yet,
Life On Mars? By Larry Lamb But it seems scientists have not given up ___________ yet,

Entertainment News

Sound is Worth Money

Entertainment News Sound is Worth Money T he Sh in s: Win c ing th e

T he Sh in s: Win c ing th e Nig ht Aw a y

M e anwh ile, ind ie da r lings The Shin s

r e leas ed the ir ne w a lb um , Winc ing The

N ight Aw a y, on J anua ry 23rd as w ell.

A fte r r isin g to p opula r ity for the ir a p pe a r-

a nc e in 2 0 0 4 fi lm G a rd en S ta te , t he

A lbuq ue rqu e ba nd ha d be en both la ude d

and c ritic iz ed fo r a com for ta bly familia r

B each B oys -e s que so und. I n line with a

g r o w i n g

tr en d

a m o n g st

i n d ep en d e n t

la be ls , S ub Po p is o ffe r ing the vin yl

f or

s a le on its w ebs ite s with f re e dow nloa d of

th e a lbu m

in MP 3 for mat, fo r th os e of u s

w ho ju st c an’t choos e be tw e en

the te ch-

n ology o f ye ste rda y and o f toda y.

With Wi n c i n g , The Sh ins ’ f irst a lbum

sinc e 2003

, the y ope n up and explo re a

little more , w ith so me s yn th samplin gs,

s om e le ss-tha n -ha pp y the me s, and a more

  • v arie d us e of th e g uita rs . Fans of

the old

u pbe a t Chute s Too Nar row s ou nd will

  • l i k e ly e n jo y “ A u st r a l i a ” , w h i l e t h o s e

s e eking more adve ntu re w ill f ind it in

tr a ck s like “A Com e t Ap pe a rs”. T h o u g h

Unlike in their anti-censorship statement Lollapalooza ’93, Rage will probably wear clothes at Coachella.

Photo credit tk

th e

a tte mp t a t

a pr og re ssiv e -in die -p op

s oun d s om e tim e s co mes a c r oss a s tr ying

Music News & Reviews

by Steve McLinden

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_

Rage Against The Machine is comin’ b a c k

a round again

hate the RIAA a l r e a d y, they’ve brought in

the big guns, literally, when they spurred an

FBI raid of an Atlanta recording studio – all

because of mixtapes. DJ Drama (real name:

Tyree Simmons), well-known for producing

the Gangsta Grillz mixtape series, wa s

on January 23rd. Out of the bands to come

from the Elephant Six Collective, a loose-

knit group of indie-pop ba nds foc used

around a ‘60s psychedelia/pop revival, Of

Montreal has become one of the most popu-

lar – if you count the Outback Steakhouse

to o h ar d or too forc ed, it’s a s olid foo t fo r-

w a rd an d s how s tha t the y ’re n ot a fr aid –

w e ll, mayb e a little a fra id – of mo ving

in to ne w c re a tive dir e c tions .

R igh t N ow, Va n Ha le n is Pla nn ing a

Rage Against The Machine will be reunit-

arrested at his studio on January 19t h and has

jingle ba sed on one of the ir melodie s,

Wor ld To u r

 

ing for the first time in 8 years – but it’s for

been charged with reproducing copyrighted

they’ve probably got more airplay than the

Ye s,

the

mo st su c c e ssfu l ha r d r oc k

one show only. The politically-charged rap-

materials. FBI spokespersons attempted to

rest combined.

b an d of the ‘ 80s is ge tting ba ck tog e the r,

rock group broke up in 2000 after disputes

justify the raid — in which Simmons, col-

On Hissing Fauna, which lead singer

aga in , with anoth

e r line u p cha n ge

fo r

a

between frontman Zach de la Rocha and his

bandmates, the re st of whom form ed

Audioslave with Chris Corne ll. All the

while, left-leaning RATM fans have been

without the rallying rhymes of de la Rocha

for the entirety of this Bush administration.

But on April 29th, Rage is getting back

leagues, and friends were ordered to get on

the ground while agents pointed rifles —