Welcome to Meekie Monthly.

If you have experienced problems opening this magazine, please visit PC World and get yourself a better computer. Oh. And there’s a large picture of a woman in a bikini on the front cover (in case you’re at work and your boss is watching you) Royston

MEEKIE MONTHLY
Issue 7
Yes– we don’t care if it’s pishing down– we’re going to have a summer anyway!

It’s as mad as a badger

FREE

August 2007

Pac-a-Macs Away! Bikinis On!
Inside:
G A O O LS

AY S

‘N

O

TO ’

K

People with large heads, people with small heads, people with medium sized heads, people with famous heads, people with not so famous heads, ginger heads and much much more!

INIS BIK O S’ T E Y ‘Y SA
SPECIAL SUMMER SPECIAL!

Editor’s welcome
For me, August reminds me of being a child, growing up in Barry Island, South Wales and in particular, the Barry Carnival. Years ago, in its halcyon days, the Barry Carnival boasted over 100 ‘floats’- articulated lorries dressed from top to bottom with bunting, and full of people in fancy dress around a particular theme. These days, it’s just a Variety Sunshine coach with a few kids waving Union Jacks out of the back window. Shame. So in time honoured tradition this month, my family are going to recreate a parade for ourselves in our large country mansion. I’ve bought myself a strapping Tarzan outfit and my surgically-enhanced wife Brenda has bought herself some tassles to put on the end of her enormous juggernauts. Meanwhile, my darling 16 year old daughter has offered to give a hand to help relieve the drivers and young Timmy has set up a Coke stall for the local fete. Isn’t it great to see the kids getting involved? Editor Have a great August.

meekiemonthly
Contact details: meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk Editor: Royston Butterscotch

Cover girl: Sabrina Lerna www.sabrina-lerna.com Cover photo courtesy of Onyx Photography www.onyxphotgraphy.com Find us at www.meekiemonthly.com and www.myspace.com/meekiemonthly

Meekie Monthly is a free subscription-based E-Magazine. To subscribe, email meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk

www.meekiemonthly.com
We take your privacy very seriously. Meekie Monthly is a free subscription based magazine and you can unsubscribe at any time by emailing meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk , putting UNSUBSCRIBE in the Subject box. We won't sell or share your email address with anyone else and we will never ask you for any money. We may occasionally send you an update via this email address. Meekie Monthly is sent as a pdf file, which opens with Adobe Acrobat Reader. You can download this utility for free from www.adobe.com. We cannot accept responsibility for any consequences relating to Meekie Monthly being sent to work-based email addresses.

Royston

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 2

Contents
In this month’s Meekie Monthly:
5. Interesting facts about Le Tour de France 6. Celebrity Showdown– Kids TV Stars fight it out 8. The BIG Interview– with a real life celebrity! 9. Letters page 12. Cover band 13. The Lads’ Page– Learn how to head spin! 14. Rugby World Cup Preview 15. Boys’ problems 16. We speak to more celebs! 20. A Flowchart Thing 22. Fok knows but 22. Have a look yourself There’s no “I” in “Team” te there are two in “Corpora 26. Your horscopes le” Bullshitting Arseho 28. Sport

Issue 7

August 2007

The “Oo– get me, I’m such a Diva” Competition
As you know Meekie Monthly likes to ask celebrities daft questions and in most cases, they respond in good humour. Occasionally though, we get replies that really make our day. See if you can guess which mega star’s PA sent us this little gem:
***** would not be able to participate in an interview unless; you could offer a fee for his time, offer him an excusive interview asking more than 1 question (therefore giving ***** an opportunity to talk about different things he is up to), publish the address of his new website currently in development and provide him with proof of print. He certainly wouldn’t wish to answer just the one question you have posed I’m afraid. I’ve attached a biog of ***** for your interest; Thanks Regards, Alan

Hussein, Newport

Answer revealed next month!

For our new readers…. (both of them) …..

hat W

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It’s Pollard vs. Cooper in Classroom Conflict
By Staff Reporter Gordon Stribling Vicky Pollard, the rude, obnoxious schoolgirl created by recentlymarried gay comedian Matt Lucas and his comedy partner, the 'definitely not gay so stop asking' David Walliams, attacked Catherine Tate's almost identical creation Lauren Cooper yesterday during a Geography lesson. Lyndzi Shuttleworth, a teaching assistant who witnessed the incident described how a discussion about earthquakes sparked it off. "Lauren was mouthing off about some unrelated rubbish as she often does and you could see Vicky getting more and more agitated. She just wanted to learn about tectonic plates. Those two have had issues with each other since Lauren started hogging the limelight." Lauren responded to the teacher's request for quiet by shouting, quite loudly, "Am I bovvered?", which was enough to send Vicky over the edge. "She just flipped and leapt over the table over towards Lauren. The teacher tried to retain order but before he could the encounter had descended into a 2-way bout of aggressive catchphrase-tennis". Both participants were stuck in a loop of nonsensical teenage ramblings. "I don't think Nigel [the teacher] could do anything. He tried to break it up but he probably hadn't been taught how to deal with this kind of situation before." Walter Sensibly, a well-behaved classmate of the two girls tried reasoning with them but was quickly shouted down. "I tried telling them that they were both ‘hilarious’ fictional characters, but they didn't want to know."
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 4 MEEKIE

This is a drawing of a meekie by a wellrenowned artist
Sigh! Do we really have to go through this every month? For those of you who do not yet know, a meekie is a person with a very large head, usually through no fault of their own. There is nothing wrong with these people. Meekie Monthly aims to celebrate these amazing people and has been doing so since 1988.

This is a real-life photo of a meekie
Meekie Fact: Meekies can be found the whole world over– even in places like Holland

ver knew s you ne 101 thing France e Tour de about L

Give me some drugs maaaaan

Belgian sheep ance in 1962 by a young s invented in Fr 1. Le Tour De France wa ‘a jolly’. Cyclists farmer called Simon. s going around France on ts of people on bike blic houses along the 2. The race involves lo re stopping at various pu ery befo take in the admirable scen way. year due to its high s a lot of attention every attract grazed knees there 3. The so-called ’race’ place bets on how many course grazed elbows injury rate. Locals on the 1,354 grazed knees, 14 ometre. Last year saw be within a designated kil will e back of a cow. when one rider ran into th and a fat lip France, Europe. ed with ABS, airyear ’s race will be held in days, most cycles are fitt 4. This y since 1962. These logy has come a long wa 5. Bicycle techno , who won the PS and GB stickers. r jobs. Gregory Le Monde bags, G gone on to get bette ow “Ex Le Tour de this prestigious race have on to star in the hit TV sh st winners of 6. Pa nce, has since gone s a fake cyclist. and again in 2006 for insta title in 1962 to Philippe Felop, who wa ”. He came second sit ups BEFORE Winners Big Brother Show for some cyclists to do 10 France race. It’s not unusual to be very fit to enter the 7. Cyclists have ER. from the French rnflakes and 10 more AFT llow vest. This originates their Co ost gets the famed ye e cyclist who drinks the m 8. Traditionally, th d puke your guts up’. in fancy dress. ich mean ‘to drink a lot an word “yellowvest”, wh ill be allowed to dress up ’s race when racers w mph, although the world e will be a first in this year 9. Ther kes can go as fast as 15 e in 1976. s. Some bi ph off the side of a ravin go quite fast on their bike 10. Cyclists can giddying speed of 128m ic Pleb, who reached the record goes to Cedr
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 5 MEEKIE

Celebrity Showdown

V BOD NOD
nd y cheeks a 0 ks, his ros d loo s 8/1 impish goo h the ladie s: Noddy’s him very popular wit Look e make f stylish attir ere stuff o 0 routines w 10/1 nd-up oddy’s sta Talent: N ough Comic rget why th ig nds. W e fo ps by his b lege under wra kept 9/10 hairstyle is dy’s crazy Hair: Nod on Nod– get it out! o ay blue hat. G yed that w and has sta ms though. t 4’2 o was born a ind mushro 9/10 ht: Noddy Heig hiding beh for ce. Useful ever sin Apparently

36/40

Total:

Looks: Some sa y that Bod’s no -fuss looks mak approachable. e him Some say that he’s fokkin ugly 9/10 Comic Talent: Bod’s comic ta lent comes stra the hips– just ch ight from eck out that wal k! 9/10 Hair: Bod’s min imalist approach to life goes stra head. No hair sa ight to his ves money on shampoo. Sple ndid 10/10 Height: Bod’s 2 ’6 frame gets la rger and larger walks towards as he the camera and ends up 6’9 8/10

Total:

36/40

It’s a draw! Hoorah!
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 6 MEEKIE

Dear Auntie May

Dear

ay... untie M A
Dear Auntie May I recently caught my husband in bed with our milkman. What annoys me most is that after ordering three pints of red tops, I now find that he's put his price up by a penny a pint. How can I appeal against this extortionate price rise? Debbie Glos

I'm worried that I have what looks like a fanny under my armpits. I've included a photo to show you what I mean. When I go down the club, I'm worried that I'll be giving away too strong a signal to the opposite sex. How do I tackle the problem of my armpit fanny? Tina

Dear Debbie, Oh dear. What a messy situation - but one that I feel sure you can turn to your advantage with a bit of planning. The next time your husband and 'Ernie' have one of their assignations, simply sneak out to his abandoned float and help yourself to all the milk, eggs, orange juice etc. you want. If you feel really brave and are certain that they will be 'at it' for some time, try calling on his customers and collecting the milk bill. Hopefully you'll soon be able to make enough profit to set up a small 'beaver retreat' in Dunfermline, which I know has always been one of your ambitions. Love & dairy products, Auntie May

Dear Tina, I've studied your picture intently with my tapestry magnifier. It's rather good, you can get one Tina’s armpit yesterday quite cheaply on ebay. I would invest if one if I were you, particularly if you get eyestrain after prolonged cross-stitching. I'm not sure why you think you have a problem really. The opposite sex are generally useless at picking up signals so the more obvious you are, the better, in my book. However, if you feel they may be repulsed by this particular area of your anatomy, try sticking a 'night-time' sanitary towel under each arm. They now come with a ready made sticky patch on the back perfect for fannyflange purposes. See you at the club, when I've finished my sampler. Love & haberdashery Auntie May

onth….. il next m unt

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 7 MEEKIE

Celebrity Interview
Only Meekie Monthly asks the questions that really matter

Martin Offiah
Martin ‘Chariots’ Offiah MBE has been one of the most prolific try-scoring wingers ever to play rugby league. He has proved to be one of the greatest entertainers the sport has produced in its 106-year history, scoring over 500 tries in his career, Britain’s Martin is now an established DJ and took time out to answer the questions that everybody has been wanting to ask him.

What day is your bin day? Monday black bags, Wednesday recycle bins Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Yes If you get into a taxi alone, do you get into the front or the back? The back What did you have for tea last night? If you mean dinner I skipped it Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Yes Did you make love last night? Yes but I was alone if you know what I mean ha ha

In response to readers’ queries, yes these interviews are genuine.

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 8 MEEKIE

onthsalyyso. . . . Meekiers pMe..cos we Dear ag
Your favourite lette
Loud Foreigners
DFS Dupper

Whisky Wobbler
I would like to com plain bitterly about the so-called health benefits of a ‘tipple before bedtim e’. I sunk a bottle of whisky last night, and as you ca n see, I wasn’t looking or fe eling too good this morning. I suggest that people who make alcohol think twice before selling such drinks to irresponsi ble fools like me.

Why do foreigners feel the Graham Loosesneed to talk so loud? When tool out DFS, I’m sat on the bus, I like to I would like to complain ab Birmingham spotted a hear the rise and fall of the the furniture store. Having where Dennis Dart SLF/ Transbus advertisement on the telly lding International Plaxton Super they said that they were ho house Pointer Easyrider’s engine, their sale, I rushed out the I not some loud-arsed where and down to my local store ther sofa, mumbo-jumbo . spent £4,600 on a new lea chairs with matching reclining arm ain’ I Dai, email and a nest of tables. ‘Barg thought. tchBoy Racer Fightbac A week later and I’m sat wa k my tea and ing telly while I have S sale what comes on? Another DF I wuz most upset last to munf to reed abo u ta Another £4,600 that I have advert! kin da piss abo boy rasers. u obvusly have ve nt eva tryed rasing a out! Why can’t they just lea splash voxall nova down da I sujests dat u gets ur road b4 hav u? self beyind da weel of peace? I’ve already for 42 me in 1 ov dese monsta ca b4 slaging us off. anym rs I don’t ore of dat stuff an ill ge sofas and 108 armchairs! t da boyz rownd to do u ova need any more! Kyle, email etcleft Tina W Darlingotn ps ive sent u a pic of my woman cos I fink shes hot. I gets to stay her howse twice a w at eek an she even let m e tuch her poonami on ce MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 9 MEEKIE

Competition Time!

Only Meekie Monthly brings you best in celebrity prizes

WIN DAV ID HASSEL HOFF!

Back Issues
We’ve got lots of back issues of Meekie Monthly left in our cupboard. In fact, we’ve been doing Meekie Monthly since 1988, but we only launched the electronic version back in March 2007. We think you’ll find that we’re getting bigger and better every month. So if you’ve missed out on the earlier issues, fear not– you can order them, free of charge, from us. We think that in this day and age, you deserve something for free. All you need to do is email us at meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk, requesting which issue you want. We’ve got them all from March onwards. Think– they might be worth something in a few years’ time. Probably not though.

Here’s your chance to win Hollywood actor David Hasselhoff. He comes complete with arms, legs and a head and will do just about anything you ask him to do. Just imagine– he can run you a bath, iron your underwear or even just chat to you while you clip your toenails. Bliss! All you need to do to win your life-size Hasselhoff is answer this question: What is David Hasselhoff’s first name? Email your entries, with “That David Competition” in the subject box to meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk
STOP PRESS: DUE TO DAVID’S FILM COMMITMENTS, DAVID IS NOW UNAVAILABLE AS A PRIZE. HOWEVER, WE CAN OFFER THE SUBSTITUTE PRIZE OF A LETTUCE TO OUR READERS.

(said very loudly) I like to read Meekie Monthly to my family before I feed them my pasta. I have even invented a new pasta meal in honour of Meekie Monthly called Pasta A La Meekie Monthly Mario, Pisa

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 10 MEEKIE

Get noticed

Even in small business, image is everything
Press releases · web page content · sales letters · newsletters · advertisements · advertorials · brochures · feature writing

www.beacon-media.co.uk

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 11 MEEKIE

Every month, Meekie Monthly celebrates beautiful ginger people by giving them an award. Aren’t we nice?

MY LEONARD
This month’s cover band are Barry rockers My Leonard. Back in the mid 1990’s, Barry town rocked to the big guitar sound of the Happy Kings. For a while, the ’Kings ruled the town, putting in some legendary performances in Camden and Cardiff. After some rock and roll dust-ups, the Happy Kings went their separate ways. And that was that. Fortunately though, the majority of the band have decided to dust down their guitar cases, plug in and make some more noise. Headed up by Jim on guitar and vocals, My Leonard have added new band members, including Zelda on vocals, and Alan on guitar. Banging on the bongos is Jon and on bass, Dylan, who was writing music at the tender age of 13. My Leonard are now in the studio laying down some new tracks for the autumn, but until then, Meekie Monthly is proud to give its readers one of their classic numbers– the Last Straw.

Ginger Person of the Month Award
Name: Liz Hometown: Cardiff Why I love being ginger: I've always liked the colour and it certainly attracts compliments! I quite like being automatically different, too.

Catch up with the band at:

www.myspace.com/myleonardmusic www.bebo.com/my-leonard

COVER BAND- YOURS FOR FREE COURTESY OF MEEKIE MONTHLY
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 12 MEEKIE

er man ter view a weath We in
MM: W hat’s it like ok Weatherman: It’s predict the M: Can you really M
being on telly?

How to:

Head Spin
In a new series, Meekie Monthly teaches you how to impress the ladies down the local club. This month, we show you how to spin on your head but please remember that we take no responsibility for you breaking your neck or injuring amazed bystanders

weather? h Weather man: Yea lling people u ever feel like te MM: Do yo be fine that it’s going to g that weather, knowin , and it’s going to rain the then look out of k and window and loo e laugh at everyon e getting wet whil side, you’re all cosy in g that knowing all alon in? it was going to ra eatherman: No

W

Lads’ Page The

1. Stand on your head 2. Twirl round and round quite fast. 3. Keep on going until either your hair falls out or some bird asks you to take her home. 4. Take the girl home and make love to her

Be careful not to catch bystanders with your big daps as you fly around. They could sue you and you could end up on the front of the local newspaper crying like a baby

Balls * Bad Ass Cars * BO * Boobs

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 13 MEEKIE

Rugby World Cup Preview
Rugby is a complicated game. In a recent study, over 90% of professional players said that they did not understand most of the rules. Worringly, an alarming 96% of referees said the same. This month, Meekie Monthly introduces the ‘backs’, and what they should be doing in theory Scrum Half (no 9) The scrum half is the link between the pack and the backs. As such, he is the player most likely to get late tackled. He has to put the ball into the scrum in such a way that the first person to touch the ball is the second row in his team. He then takes it out of the scrum where he expects it to (unlikely)
Hi. My name’s Kevin and I’m indestructible

FlyThe Fly-Half (no 10) The fly-half is generally the person who gets abuse from the crowd for kicking the ball around too much. They also like to try and bluff their way past defenders. However this usually results in a horrific tackle and shouts of “Why didn’t you kick it?” Full back (no 15) Full-backs often look a lonely sight. It is their responsibility to be the last person to miss the tackle before the opposing side score. Often put under a ‘high ball’, the full back is often gets ‘swivel eye syndrome’ where they keep one eye on the ball and the other on the opposing team closing in on them. Like to shout ‘Mark’ a lot

Centres (no 12 & 13) There are two centre positions– inside and outside centre. The inside centre’s job is to shout to the No 10, “If you’d have passed that then, I’d have been in” and the outside centre’s job is to shout the same thing to the inside centre. Inside centres like to play ‘crash ball’ where he runs heads first into an opponent. This can go one of two ways– a spectacular breakthrough or a visit to the local hospital.

Wings (no 11 & 14) These speedsters are rarely used in a game and often get bored and come infield, leaving the forwards to cover their position. Can cover role of spectator or linesman

Hi. My name’s Matt the Handbag and I enjoy being carried around the pitch

Boys’ Problems
Yes, even boys sometimes have problems that they can’t seem to fix all by themselves. So in a new series, we answer the problems that you were too embarrassed to talk to your mum about.

I Snapped My Banjo String
Please help. Last night I went to make love to my woman but she was a bit dry and I pushed a bit too hard and Twang! – my banjo string snapped. It was a clear E minor and such was the shock, that I swear I saw George Formby at the window. I’m now in fear of trying again. What do I do?
twang

I Wish My Breasts Were Smaller
When I was a little boy I always dreamt of having a pair of wangers to play with. Now, I’m 42 and wish I’d made another wish. I have size 36D man boobs and I can’t get rid of them. What do I do? Terry, Swansea Come on John – this is your fourth letter this month – we all know you’re carrying a considerably more voluptuous set of topbollocks than 36D. Now Tony’s reign has ended, and your official life of leisure has begun, I suggest you join the ranks of your similarly bitch-tit endowed peers, and do as they do – embrace your saggy tits, buy a pair of grotesque national flag beach shorts, and shamelessly board the next flight to Benidorm. Olé!

with Clinton Handshandi

Fruity Tutti

Reg, Teeside Reading these tales of woe as I do so regular, I have to be able to read between the lines and make some considered assumptions: In this case I must – for the good spirit of humanity – assume your pair-some have genuine biological issues, and that you’ve not in fact been trying to play ‘hide the sausage’ with a waxwork in the music section down at Madame Tussauds. Hoping (and praying), that my assumptions are correct, my advice therefore is simple: Issue her indoors with a firm but fair ultimatum – lube-up or get out. Otherwise sex will forever more sound like a few precious notes from some appalling hillbilly movie, with potentially eyewatering health consequences. You may also consider name-dropping valuable family assets during future ventures – nothing gets the ladies more moist than the prospect of a life spent filling walk-in wardrobes with expensive shoes.
If you have an embarrassing problem that you’d like the world to know about, email meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk

I have a phallus shaped like a pear, and I’m finding it very embarrassing when I pull and girls get to grips with my fruit-shaped friend. How can I sculpt it into another fruit shape – a banana maybe? Colin, Dundee Firstly, fruit-cock, you should be thankful that girls get to grip with it at all; many of our readers may never get that far – I went to school with many such unfortunates. As for your gland, braying it with a tool such as a domestic meat tenderiser will probably yield a penal fruit smoothie, rather than leave you the proud owner of something resembling an 8-10”slightly bent tree-fruit. Faced with your dilemma, I would go with the ‘Trinny & Suzanna’ approach – i.e. deny to yourself your obvious gross physical failings, and try to make the best of a cruel nature’s job. It’s all about marketing, my boy – go find a naïve, preferably drunk young maiden (perhaps try your local JD Wetherspoon’s freehouse between 12pm and 11pm, any night of the week), and convince her gobbling-up your fruity member counts as one of her recommended “five a day”. Bon apetit!

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 15 MEEKIE

The Debating Chamber
The former housemate
Lisa Jeynes
I think since my series when I was put in to stir it up that producers realised they needed to put stronger characters in. (Hey I started that off!). Unfortunately, as the years have gone on the housemates are {well most of them} are quite unstable to start off with and trying to shock the viewer, also fame hungry. Most of them amount to nothing when they come out.

What do you think Debs?
I think you should fok up and go home

Big Brother– are all the contestants nutters?
Every month we ask a cross section of the population to cast their thoughts on a topical topic. This month we’ve spoken to several high profile people plus a tabloid columnist. Here’s what they had to say about this year’s Big Brother

The rock star
Stuart Cable
I don’t watch that shit mate….!!!!

The former housemate
Imogen Thomas
Apart from one or two of them...they act like 5 year olds carrying teddy bears.!! They need to wake up to the fact its a reality show and stop talking about deals they want when they get out.. You don't necessarily walk into a TV career from Big Brother

The beauty queen
Eleanor Glynn (Miss England 2006/07)
One answer– yes

The tabloid columnist
Clinton Handshandi

Are they nuts? Hmmm… Whilst I may not be the most knowledgeable on the subject – due to the fact I generally pass-out after watching the twincredibles for more than a couple of minutes – I would indeed support this theory: Where else would you find a six-foot man scared of animals, and a thirty-seven year old woman who collects carrier bags, I ask you?

Top Tips on How to be a Grown Up Woman
By Josie Henley Girls these days don’t get to sit down with their grannies and taught what they should do. There are books on etiquette but it’s all outdated like lifting up your little finger when drinking from a cup. Who drinks from a cup and saucer any more? From my careful observation of more feminine females than me, I have developed the ten most important things to remember. Do this and you can’t go wrong. 1. Learn to walk in knife-sharp high heels without falling over. 2. Learn to get up gracefully when you fall over. 3. Use heels to kill any man who laughs at you for falling over. 4. Insist on drinking with a straw, even when drinking pints of beer. Something to do with your lipstick, I think. 5. Develop the art of putting on makeup in the car without looking like a clown. 6. Wait till the car stops before putting in earrings, unless you need new piercings. 7. Cross your legs when wearing a skirt. Unless you’re Sharon Stone. 8. Always wear good pants. Unless you’re Sharon Stone, see above. 9. Find your perfect perfume- it should attract men like flies and suffocate other women, thus ridding you of competition. 10. Pretend to be a lesbian. If you really are a lesbian, pretend you’re not. Next month: How to go shopping without any money

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The Girls’ Page
Bras * Bikinis * Bros * Boobs
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 17 MEEKIE

t live mus earth the

by Meekie hack, James Harris

Calculate your carbon footprint
We’re all becoming aware of our carbon footprint, and we should all be working to reduce ours. Meekie Monthly tells you how to work yours out– and what to do to help the environment. 1. Add together the amount of units you use for gas and electricity 2. Now add together the number of people in your household 3. Add the two figures together 4. Multiply it by ten 5. Add on a number of your choice between 1-1000 6. Multiply this by 49 7. Add on 754 8. Divide it by 6 9. Think of your favourite colour 10. Add on the amount of letters in the word of your favourite colour 11. Voila! Your carbon footprint! HOW TO REDUCE YOUR FOOTPRINT
Meekie Monthly advises that you chop both your feet off

Join Meekie in looking into how you can save the world with the help of some popstars.
This month: the live earth message with Joss Stone. Alright my lovelies? Me again– Joss ‘Supersoul’ Stone ‘ere with tips ‘n’ tricks I’ve made up to save the world, just like I saved soul music with my supersoul voice. Well here they are my lovelies:
woof

1 Don’t drive to the shops to buy my new CD 2 Don’t buy my new CD 3 or any of the old ones (they’re just as shit) 4 Don’t turn your computer on to buy my songs off itunes 5 Turn the TV off when I come on 6 and the radio It may not save the planet but it’ll be the end of my career and that’s something at least. On a more serious note what is a really good idea though is to have loads of concerts around the world spunking carbon from the massive amounts of generators they’ll need to power the shows. Genius.

Editorial comment: some readers may be previously aware that the author James Harris isn’t a massive fan Ms Stone. We respect the fact that James has an opinion on the young singer.

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 18 MEEKIE

Advertise here for as little as
£30

per month.
Meekie Monthly is a fast growing E-Magazine with its roots in South Wales but with a global readership base.You can be part of this growing phenomenon by advertising on our hallowed pages. Just £20 will buy you a full page advert in glorious technicolour, street cred and exposure to new clients. Email meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk

You?

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 19 MEEKIE

Are you a screaming homo?
Let Meekie Monthly decide whether you’re a normal homosapien or bit of a neanderthal
START HERE Do you look like Bigfoot yes Do you have big feet? Are you covered in hair all over? no Can you say simple words

yes

no

no yes Is your name Yeti? yes

yes Can you growl?

no yes

You are not a neanderthal

no You are a neanderthal yes

Is your name Saskwatch?

Can you say “Pass me the no mammoth sauce please?” no no

Are they “Ug” and “Grr”?

no You are not a neanderthal but you’re quite close to being one no Do you live in a cave?

yes

Ug!

yes

Do you wear animal skins out yes down the club?

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20

Welsh,Yummy and Talented
Here in Wales, the Land of Song, we are very proud of our musical heritage. To honour this, we’re celebrating the young, talented and frankly yummy girls of the classical world who are taking Wales to the world! Name: Cerys Jones Hometown: Cardiff- i grew up in Rhiwbeina (there's posh) Specialism: Violin Career highlight so far: I'm lucky to have quite a few
Name: Amanda Whiting Specialism: Ha rp Hometown: Ca rdiff things to choose from... but to narrow it down to three things: Career highlig 1. Performing as a soloist in St. David's Hall in Cardiff, and ht so far: Record then again at St. David's Hall on another brilliant occasion with ing with Danni Min Sinfonia Cymru and Bryn Terfel; 2. Travelling all over the ogue and supporting world giving concerts, including an amazing stint in New York 3. Performing in the first episode of 'Lewis' on ITV - Inspector l Jamie Callum Lewis comes to watch my concert in Oxford! Ambition: To d oa Ambitions: Prime Minister... perhaps one day, but for now i world tour in th e pop world would like to always be an interesting and innovative musician, Do you love b as a performer and researcher, working on a high profile level eing Welsh? I love the scenery and the feeling to provide an inspiring role model. of ’home’ Website: www Do you love being welsh?: wrth gwrs! cwestiwn gwirion... .amandawhitin especially as i live in London mostly these days I'm fiercely g.com

patriotic. i do find that most of my non-welsh friends (and enemies) tend to develop a deep respect and admiration of the welsh... or else! www.cerysjones.org

Name: Natasha Marsh Hometown: Born in Brecon but now live in Buckinghamshire Specialism: Opera singer Career highlight so far: Singing with Jose Carreras on his 60th birthday Ambitions: To bring classical music into hundreds of countries and make it accessible for people. Are you proud of being Welsh? It's the most beautiful country in the world and there is nothing like the sound of a Welsh Male voice Choir. It's incredibly stirring. I love it! Website: www.natashamarsh.com

mentally w environ Ho re you? nscious a co

Do you care about the Earth or do you just going around doing what you want? Let Meekie Monthly answer that for you

on your cows keep t unfortunately, the milkman bu you having to pay h cow’s arse ws to save a blowtorch to eac as. Do you? buy a flock of co g ke 1. You a lot of methane ics, where you ta Bovine Pyrotechn g and producing of ht? fartin round for a night rapture and delig friends and family r faces glow with ei a) Invite ir biscuit’, watch th ity for the local n delivery of an ‘a and o e pub? to produce electric tic n th turbine in your at s to your mate dow d plumb to the gas b) Sell the cow her™ device, an Attach a Fart Catc c) her own the road in village? to the nursery d d) id ear old pip of a k on taking her 2 y to sphere, do you? ur insists at she may want xt door neighbo oing to the atmo Your ne t she is d and suggesting th s 2. a hicle in the street, by fitting six turbo ising the harm th 4 Hummer. Real ning the largest ve ery in record time, rs 4x neighbour on ow tting her child to nu Congratulate your and therefore ge r, a) rmance of the ca improve the perfo and a NoS kit? the exhaust? ting a banana up ut wn its tyres and p b) Move house mmer, by letting do Hu you? your house. Do c) Sabotage the y e orgy in a nearb ay right through and hosting a larg to build a motorw ve es that he wants raight to Liquorsa A local MP decid e house, driving st 3. r th ce where the new e’s offered you fo ) Take the £400 h pointing at the pla a d the local paper an ld? fore calling round fie be for a few minutes tographer? workers below? ) Look concerned b g sad for the pho t the construction es a ild and lookin e and throw appl road would be bu urself a tree-hous ee, build yo c) Climb up in a tr
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 24 MEEKIE MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22

u? orld’s climate. Do yo hina is ruining the w wC cumentary about ho r ? You watch a news do and looking worried fo this beautifu l country 4. t of the country to visit inting at the TV screen , po ht ou t the local newspaper a) Book the first flig while before calling ou for a the lystyrene trays down b) Look concerned before stuffing the po , the photographer? in a Number 47 and 59 e take-away, ordering Chines c) Nip the the local en sink? plughole of your kitch ange. Do you? reach 2 billion people areness of climate ch different continents to in 7 e aw 5.You decide to rais mbining over 100 acts rnational concerts, co inte a) Arrange a series of ate problems? solving the world’s clim and thereby y and dumping them ’s residential home? of of your Nissan Sunn and visit a old people ro berg ed refrigerators to the b) Dress up as an ice ts, strapping your unus ough c) You have second th in a nearby stream? uncil. Do you? to you by the local co ing bin delivered 6. You have a recycl ul….like an ashtray? e deodorant aerosol? something more usef to Kwik Save for som u pop down old trolley that you a) Recycle it into y for your kids when yo e and living out of an us e bugg moving out of your ho b) Use it as a substitut your house in it, before ts of c) Put the entire conten am? found in a nearby stre al warming. Do you? u decide to stop glob inting it skywards? 7. Yo switching it on and po rial fan, up your tan? h 2 billion people a) Hire a large indust rent continents to reac u could do with topping 7 diffe ts– yo ning over 100 acts in b) Have second though ional concerts, combi internat c) Arrange a series of warming problems? lving the world’s global ways be evolving– and thereby so up– the Earth will al et ange. But put your fe ried about climate ch ite wor Mostly As– you’re qu used to the idea you just need to get at about it all. does not hold infinite u should. The Earth ally couldn’t give a sh d yo Mostly Bs– you re t the environment an es after them. ally don’t care abou Mostly Cs– you re generation and the on the next resources– think of

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MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 24 MEEKIE

e’s Postcard Larry Sloan from Suburbia
Greetings dearhearts! What a great honour it is for me to be talking to you – via the hallowed pages of the Meekie Monthly!!! I’m truly excited!!! You should be able to tell this purely from my persistent overuse of the exclamation mark!!! I s’pose I should introduce meself too…seeing as most of you won’t know who I am…My name’s Larry Sloane and I plan to bring you a new postcard from Welwyn Garden City every month…just so you know what’s happening in my life…I like to watch pornography, ‘The Fall Guy’ and golf! I like to make ART works too!!! I guess I’d describe myself as an artist/philanthropist/entrepreneur…I currently live at my mum’s due to conditions set out in my parole. You’ll have to excuse me if the tone changes a bit through this piece as I am doing it in between times my mother is asleep, goes to the toilet or nips up the shops – at the moment she is at Tesco’s head office trying out different varieties of finger-food, so I should have a couple of hours unmolested…Not that she ‘molests’ me in the biblical sense – she just gets on my fokking wick! With all her gabbing on about the fokking neighbour’s dog and the cat that keeps fokking laying turds on the lawn…on and on… just shut up! …Well, in case you dropped geography when you were 14 and just discovering the inherent joys-strokehorrors of the opposite sex, Welwyn Garden City is on the death line from Kings Cross – about 20 miles as the crow flies - and has the honour of being the world’s second Garden City!!! Oh yes!!! All you readers residing in concrete-based new-town shit-holes have old Ebenezer Howard to thank for that!!! Oh Yes!!! Anyway, I saw yesterday that a young lad has narrowly escaped death after mucking about with power lines in a disused factory??? On the front page of the Welwyn Times it was…great big picture of the little rat boy ‘n’ all!!! The bastards!!! That’s probably where fokking Posh Spice started – front page expose of the local paper fuelling her incessant need to be ‘seen’…to be ‘famous’ for something… anything…even being the most famous skeletal, talentless bint to come from Cuffley!!! I don’t begrudge her any of it though…I’m happy!!! I am…I don’t need to be shafted by David Beckham to know that…As long as Tim Henman remains in the draw at Wimbledon every year my humour remains undiminished!!!! ...come on then…? Let’s hear you…? Come on Tiger Tim!!!!! …that’s right…you know you want to… Lx

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MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 25

roscopes Ho

with Enog

ARIES the planet nth. Luckily, Neptune, rible indigestion this mo Mar 21 - Apr 20 ting any ter Uranus is causing you n’t mean you can go ea e moon, rising up into pearhealth. Still. That does Th ur nds and you keep disap a positive effect on yo estive relief is having e not making many frie of dig can. You’r se pickled eggs if you old rubbish. Lay off tho haze. ing in a green kind of TAURUS d refurbish,000 on a franchise an r 21 - May 21 broken er splashing out £450 Ap aft d only as their car had n pub this month and t two people turn up- an decide to open your ow You t when jus tthews. ing night falls rather fla this month–Bernard Ma ment, your grand open ky celebrity act to book e the phone. Unluc down and needed to us GEMINI e sex, tryp eyeing up the opposit rson. You just can’t sto May 22 - Jun 22 lly when pe e, you are a flirtatious uble this month, especia mini, by your very natur you into all sorts of tro t t thing Ge with them and that las chance. But this can ge n e already having it off see if you’re in with a ing to u decide to mow the law ’s boss. You see, they’r oled shoes- the day yo on with your best friend you try it to wear rubber-s rie a trios. Lucky day you need is a menage in the rain. chaos CANCER this month and causes 23 - July 23 g pearance in your chart June ctionary makes an ap paying a fiver and eatin planet of cut-price confe launch day consists of Mars, the road and its B2. shop opens up down the days later. Lucky ward– with your diet. A new You leave hospital a few ctionary as you can. as much cut-price confe LEO you. dictionary to describe July 24 - Aug 23 rlatives in the English re enough supe Oh Leo. If only there we VIRGO to wash is losems that your inability Aug 24 - Sep 23 dy odour situation. It se elf down to to get a grip on that bo these days. Get yours go, you really do need other end of the settee Vir the ne all year. Even the dog sits down the best thing you’ve do ing you a lot of friends. ellies– it might just be up on some sm Superdrug and stock
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 27

oscopes Hor

with Enog

had it u thought you month. And yo eptune, the planet chart this sence to your en tougher. However, N LIBRA s delightful pre 23 et ev ard and Judy’ s its are about to g Sept 24 - Oct y to play Rich rkloads, bring wo y, things ff. Lucky da net of heavy , unfortunatel ith it, a day o Pluto, the pla rs a week. Yes ugust, and w 80 hou e end of A tough working ur chart at th moves into yo of light relief, m– Tuesday. Phone In Sca who you u. Be careful IO n affair with yo problem’ a SCORP s got a ‘wart ants to have Nov 22 ch Warden w church fete ha the Chur Oct 24 from the xy, that even r you pick up io– that looke Scorpio. So se Sexy nth Scorp andal. s with this mo in a church sc are your juice sh be implicated nd you could downstairs a ted on ly and get star I'd write off Ju RIUS were you, SAGITTA s. In fact, if I onth Sagittariu ov 23 - Dec 21 N t this m to shout abou Nothing much nth early. August a mo s in bell be some day d days. There' than the and some ba ill be badder e good days CAPRICORN e days that w ere'll be som 20 and som June. Th Dec 22 - Jan the bad days ried month in n expect a va are better than ays that ys. Capricorns ca at are more d t the chart sa some days th ut that’s wha month, b tween and I said this last r days. I know bette AQUARIUS 19 Jan 21 - Feb you too. That goes for

to start you will have – . It means that elings though chart PISCES t anyone’s fe enus in your l not to hur arrival of V 20 er. Be carefu onth with the Feb 20 - Mar bad thing eith of love this m ick pect a lot uldn’t be a ould do the tr your teeth wo Pisces can ex mouthwash sh lso brushing in and a washing aga

opes xt month’s horosc Next month: ne

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28

Sport
Due to the international ban on football, we are unable to bring you any sport at all. We are very sorry for the inconvenience caused and would like to recommend reading Reader’s Friend as an alternative source of excitement

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29 MEEKIE