MEEKIE MONTHLY

Issue 5

CEL

L! PECIA YS EBRIT

June 2007

It’s as mad as a badger

FREE!

Read our exclusive interview with a Hollywood celebrity!

FREE OMEGA 66 TRACK WITH THIS ISSUE!!
GIVE I T SOME HEAD

Editor’s welcome
Dear readers, Well it’s good to be back. As you know, last month I was in hospital having penis reduction surgery. It was awfully embarrassing having to tuck it in my socks all the time. (blush) So it’s back to business– for those of you in the UK, summer’s here and for the lads and ladettes of the Northern Hemisphere, time to enjoy the sun. As for me– well, my family and I are off to West Wales for a few days– my surgically enhanced wife Brenda is getting my rubber ring ready for my...erm… visit to the pool. My young daughter Cindy has been busy buffing up her ‘Brazilian’ (some kind of nut I’m guessing) and young Timmy has been buying some top-shelf magazines to take with Editor him. Juggz Ahoy! Have a great June.

meekiemonthly
Contact details: meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk Editor: Royston Butterscotch

Cover girl: Holly from Walsall Find us at www.meekiemonthly.com and www.myspace.com/meekiemonthly

Meekie Monthly is a free subscription-based E-Magazine. To subscribe, email meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk A small portion of our profit goes to Cancer Research

www.meekiemonthly.com

Royston

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 2

Contents
In this month’s Meekie Monthly:
5. Interesting facts about horses 6. Celebrity Showdown 8. The BIG Interview– with a real life celebrity! 9. Letters page 13. The Lads’ Page– Tits and Beer. Wahay! 14. Agony Aunt– your problems solved 15. Rugby World Cup Preview– how to punch someone in the face 16. Page 16 20. A Flowchart Thing that says you’re lazy. 22. Fok knows 24. Have a look yourself onthly I read Meekie M re I watch 26. Siop Meekie Monthly every night befo I believe Cagney & Lacey 28. Horoscopes thly is that Meekie Mon nd to 30. Sport great quality, seco
none. A Pope, Italy

Issue 5

June 2007

WRITERS WANTED
We’re looking for writers to write for our hallowed pages. You don’t need any experience– just the cheek to think that you’d be good enough. Go on back yourself– drop us a line at meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk

Comment

Say NO to the Severn Barrage
Of all the fokkin sea in the world, you want to build a barrage on my fokkin doorstep to power the rest of the UK. You know where you can stick it
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 3 MEEKIE

For our new readers…. (both of them) …..

am t is This is a drawing of ha a meekie by a wellW renowned artist
Sigh! Do we really have to go through this every month?

ie? ek e

For those of you who do not yet know, a meekie is a person with a very large head, usually through no fault of their own. There is nothing wrong with these people. Meekie Monthly aims to celebrate these amazing people and has been doing so since 1988.

Royston says:
“For some meekies, having a headache can be a real headache. The pharmaceutical industry can overcome this by building bigger tablets to take”

This is a real-life photo of a meekie
Meekie Fact: Meekies can be found the whole world over– even in places like Germany

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 4 MEEKIE

101
k

never gs you thin horses about new

of rry. He was fed up an soldier called Te om s rag and bone cart ed in 204 AD by a R e to help him pull hi Horses were invent rs 1. and invented the ho ld War when they ng his own chariot, in the Second Wor e pulli avily at one that they mad They were used he nd. y wars, including th ominently in wars. pr an arou rses have featured have also started m roughout history, ho y positions. Horses arm 2. Th ight of 3000ft onto e dropped from a he wer anything interesting. n horses and Italian why they never say about. often made betwee is ains a film ds. This comparison all brains which expl very large love glan orses have very sm ve 3. H horses and they ha nd National, which of them all, the Gra allions are the male 4. St d by the biggest race jockey getting up e love glands. e UK get very excite their jockey and the , who also have larg th to men for racing. People in n of horses falling on e horses are used the age old traditio never do it again. 5. Som people enjoy seeing ctive and the horses g that they hop of ving just the one le shment is 100% effe ld once a year. Lots ni r ha is he a reprimand. The pu ed are renowned fo ooting the horse as Short Highland Bre the and sh ith 4 legs although t horses are born w 6. Mos st performance , on. tstanding ventriloqui ou . around could fly, turn in an nally worn by horses has it that he rode e Wonderhorse. He seshoes are traditio been found. Legend th ver 7. Hor in the world is Zippo the local paper for s. His body has ne most famous horse rious circumstance had bad reviews in he yste 8. The as depressed after e died in 1986 in m en ride a bicycle. H Some say that he w es. and ev . Point in South Wal es and other horses X off a cliff at Nash his BM between some hors n t that went wrong. s the great variatio his ventriloquist ac ite short. This reflect tall and some are qu 9. Horses are quite paint a horse. 10. You can actually . 11. If ever wanted to MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 5 MEEKIE

Celebrity Showdown

V Corbet Barker
rker’s Looks: Ba chum. le than his litt t de him a lo r frame ma sturdie ly more cudd 8/10 uo, an of the d e funny m ered th ften consid t is legendary Talent: O n 10/10 Comic comic tale ndoubted er’s u Bark fe. his entire li of hair for head ined a full Barker reta 9/10 Hair: e Impressiv C, to Ronnie compared ll but sn’t that ta n nnie B wa o a tall ma 9/10 Height: R very much looked Barker

t

Looks: Ronnie C’s diminutive size belied the was a rampant fact that he sex god 9/10 Comic Talent: Corbett’s legen dary monologue couch remain to s on the this day, timeles s 9/10 Hair: Corbett st ill sports exactly the same hair th in the 1970s. S at he had plendid 10/10 Height: Legend has it that Ronn ie B met Ronnie wedding– Ronn C at a ie C was stood on the cake. Ho Corbett’s heigh wever, t only adds to h is appeal

36/40

Total:

8/10

36/40

Total:

It’s a draw! Hoorah!
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 6 MEEKIE

The Great Meekie Monthly Giveaway!
As you may well have noticed, you’ve received a lovely MP3 of Cardiff superband, Omega 66, courtesy of your favourite E-mag, Meekie Monthly. Omega 66 reformed in June 2006, keeping two of the original members of Dark Chunk, who famously played at the Glastonbury Dance Tent in 2004. Your track has been exclusively mixed by renowned DJ, Angel Farringdon, and you can get the whole of Omega’s brand new album by visiting them at www.omega66.com or www.myspace.com/omega66. Omega’s guitarist Krik has also been exclusively interviewed on page 17!
“are currently awaiting reviews of their debut album and recent live shows.

Don’t miss them on Radio One’s Annie Nightingale Show on 4th June.

If you have a band you’d like to promote through the beautiful pages of Meekie Monthly, please drop Royston a line at meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 7 MEEKIE

The

BIG
This month, we’ve spoken to the beautiful Hollywood actress, famous for appearing in CSI, ER, Friends, Charmed, Joan of Arcadia and loads of other films including The Parent Trap and Inspector Gadget II. Elaine is a talented writer and musician in her own right, and tells us that she’s been to London and seen Big Ben and also seen the film My Fair Lady. We think she’s a bit crazy, but we love crazy women! Find Elaine at www.elainehendrix.com
In response to many reader enquiries– yes, these interviews are real!

Mee kie M onth Excl ly usiv e!

Interview
What day is your bin day?
Thursday

Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day?
Multiple times, yes, multiple times

If you get in a taxi on your own, do you get into the front or the back?
Back seat "Driving Miss Elaine" style

What did you have for tea last night?
Astro Burger and fries to celebrate Memorial Day. Yeah baby!

Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Multiple times, yes, multiple times What’s your favourite yellow crescent-shaped fruit?
Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 8 MEEKIE

onthsalyyso. . . . Meekiers pMe..cos we Dear ag
Your favourite lette
Egg-sploding Ethel
me round last My mother-in-law Ethel ca her one of my week for tea and I cooked wards, I realised speciality omelettes. After te and my that the eggs were out of da hours later fears were confirmed a few e salmonella when she detonated an hug refurbished salvo in the pan of my newly bathroom. let and see a Now, every time I visit a toi er, I think of similar straw-coloured splatt of your readers my mother-in-law. Do any es that remind have any similar visual cu them of someone? Colin Cupcake Colchester

TV Made My Son a

Superhero

Train Trauma
I am a train conductor and I’m sick of mothers getting on to my trains, with six or seven kids and with prams wider than a pickup truck. It’s my job to help these lazy women get their troop of clones on and off my train. I even had one woman tell me to learn some manners after I told here where she could stick her pram. Perhaps these women should learn to keep their legs closed instead? Andy Merthyr Tydfil

Who says television doesn’t influence yo ung children? My 8 old son got bitten by year a spider last week an d now runs around Maesteg in a red su it saving people from burning buildings (which is quite comm on in Maesteg). Who says television turns children in monsters? My son is a hero! Les Gardner Maesteg I’ve enclosed a pic of him in his last heroic adventure

Pointless Penguins

ramme. C’s Planet Earth prog t down to watch the BB d I sa warm by standing in a Last night, my wife an nguins on. They keep get a th all the pe huddle so that they all We watched the one wi go on the outside of the ns to huddle, taking it in tur e to move middle. turn in the warm ven’t they got the sens eek to to do that, then why ha e And they’ve got the ch If they’ve got the sens t bloody-mindedness. ih! Talk abou at dump pretty sharps somewhere warmer? bird would get out of th Any sensible call themselves birds! David Kagool Saltash, Cornwall

Meek ie Mo nthly Wales UK World

Hi. My name’s Dan and I’m your new Spiderman. As you can see, I’m in a bit of a pickle right now. But with a bit of Spideymagic I’ll be out in no time– ready to fight crime wherever it happens….

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 9 MEEKIE

Back Issues
We’ve got lots of back issues of Meekie Monthly left. We’ve been doing Meekie Monthly since 1988, but we only launched the electronic version back in March 2007. We think you’ll find that we’re getting bigger and better every month. If you’ve missed out on the earlier issues, fear not– you can order them, free of charge, from us. I think we’re a bit too good to you, but then we think that in this day and age, you deserve something for free. All you need to do is email us at meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk, requesting which issue you want. We’ve got them all from March onwards. Think– they might be worth something in a few years’ time. Probably not though.

The Isle of Wight

Meekie Monthly Competition Time!
Yes, here’s your chance to win your very own island!
It’s got everything that you’ve ever wanted– beaches, some grass and even a regular boat service to the mainland. All you have to do to win this splendid prize, is answer this very easy Isle of Wight question: What is Cilla Black’s real name? Send your answers on a postcard (or in an email) to The_Precislla_White_Competition@meekiemonthly.com All entries must reach us by June 30th.

Stop press!

Due to an oversight by one of my family members, I do not in fact, own MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 10 MEEKIE

the Isle of Wight and am therefore unable to offer it as a prize in this competition. I am very sorry for all distress caused and I will do my best to find a suitable alternative. Isle of Man any good anyone?

Get noticed

Even in small business, image is everything
Press releases · web page content · sales letters · newsletters · advertisements · advertorials · brochures · feature writing

www.beacon-media.co.uk

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 11 MEEKIE

Advertisement

Ginger Person of the Month
Every month, Meekie Monthly celebrates those wonderful ginger people by interviewing them

Name: Rachelle Location: Ely, Cardiff Why I love being ginger: It's eye catching and
certainly not boring. Out of a group, the redhead is the first one you spot! Also we're least likely to go grey! Having red hair feels special cos it's quite a rarity, and takes up something like 2% of the population, how cool is that?

I read Meekie Monthly before every fight. It gives me an edge over my opponents.
Vladamir Nokabolokov
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 12 MEEKIE

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otbal ying fo like pla hat’s it MM: W nice otball? ’s quite ck a fo n: It Dar re you ki far can w MM: Ho e far r? n: Quit ng ove Dar re ke falli t’s it li M: W ha s full ur ts M ball hit eally h t : It r n a foo Dar ren r t whe es it hu MM: Do then? he face in t ends : It dep Dar ren hat? : On w it hits MM e face : Whos Dar ren

Meekie Monthly reader of the month– M add Carter from Au stralia

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Balls * Bad Ass Cars * BO * Boobs
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 13 MEEKIE

Dear Briony…..
Your embarrassing problems published to the world

My daughter is an embarrassment
Dear Briony My daughter has the most hugest head that the world has ever seen. Every time we go to Kwik Save, children stop and stare. Last Christmas, the Council even decorated it and made her stand outside the Town Hall for 7 weeks. However, she's now become depressed. She's become a recluse and all she does all day is sob on her (huge) pillow. What can I do? Sarah Newcastle I’ve got good news for you Sarah. Soon, you won’t have to shop at quick save any more. You’ll be able to ascend to the highest rung of the grocery ladder, Waitrose. Actually do they even have Waitrose in Newcastle? Probably not. You’re probably at the pinnacle of shopping excellence already, aren’t you? Scrap that. My point was that you are sitting on a goldmine. Guinness will probably pay you a million pounds a day to feature your daughter’s head within it’s esteemed pages. You could get hats made especially for her. What more does she want? You need to teach her about life: you play the hand (or head) you’re dealt

I can’t get laid
What is the best way to ensure that I get laid on my first date? I've spent so much money wining and dining women and I never get to the 69ing. It's become so bad that I've started turning up for the first date, saying "Hi" and then leaving again as nothing ever happens on the first date. Please help Trevor Lincoln Before you reach for the Roofies, Trevor, you might want to consider this statistic. Only 0.001% of people named Trevor have ever had sex. And those that did were doing farmyard animals. So go on down to your town hall and get your name changed by deed poll. (Tip: Kevins, Leslies and Kenneths are even less likely to get laid). Oh, Trevor? And this is just a thought, mind, you might want to stop thinking about dating as a capitalist transaction where the woman is just a provider of a service. That might be where you’re going wrong. I’m not sure women are very inclined to engage in orally-based sexual acts with men who think that saying “Come on love, I just spent fifty quid on that meal” while pushing her head towards his crotch is foreplay. Second thought, forget my advice about the name. Masturbating is probably the better option for you m’duck.

Dear Briony My husband Erne st recently com e home from the impotent. The fa doctors and told ct of the matter me that he was is, he's not impo take our next do tent- he's just a or neighbour Col road digger. No in– he’s very im and sings solo in w potent- he's on the local church the local Counc choir. How can that he's not as il I break the news impotent as he thinks he is? to my husband Sally Bath I know for a fact Colin is not only impotent, but he’s man can’t, you kn important too. Im ow, ahem, do the portance is when special thing that cases other men a men do to women ). Importance is a (and in some real problem for m to 50 or so, and yo en of a certain ag u see them driving e. Once they get their little penis sh Morrison’s, swollen aped cars down with their own im the local potence, you just taking place. Anyw know there’s no ay, about your hu other “swelling” sband. W hat’s to cookie like you fo say he isn’t impo r a wife? tent, with a smar t
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 14 MEEKIE

The Impotence o f being Ernest

Rugby World Cup Preview
Striking your opponent full in the face is illegal in most rugby games these days. However, it does still make for exciting viewing and always goes down a treat with the lads down the pub. Have fun!

You startin’…?

Step One:

Pick an opponent

Preferably someone smaller than you and on his own. The last thing you want is his bigger mate wading in.

Step Two:
Start an argument
This can be for any reason whatsoever. This chap on the left has singled out his target and is going over to punch the little fellow firmly on the nose.
Have a bunch of fives you little rotter you

Step Three:

Mfmfmfmsdsjhfdfdfd!

Deliver your blow

Strike your opponent firmly on the hooter.

Step Four:

Make your escape

In a new series, Meekie Monthly counts down to the Rugby World Cup this September by looking at the various tactics used by the world’s teams. This month we look at the art of punching your opponent

Leave the scene of the crime immediately. Ensure that your escape route is not blocked by an larger opposing player, referee or policeman.

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 15 MEEKIE

ORRITE?
Issue 1 June 2007 EXCLUSIVE!

Holby Heaven
Celebrity Rikki Gallup puts her feet up and relaxes with an exciting episode of the BBC’s flagship medical drama.
For celebrity Rikki Gallup, settling down to watch an episode of ‘Holbs’ is a lifechanging experience. “I always have a cup of tea and some Hob Nobs. “I like the drama in Holby City. There’s always someone falling over and hurting themselves and it’s amazing how these actors, who you often see in other programmes, manage to save people’s lives. Take Nigel from Eastenders for instance. He’s done ever so well to become a consultant. He was always thick as shit in Eastenders”. But life isn’t all about Holby City for Rikki. “Sometimes I’ll pop to the shops in the day. Most of them are open 9-6 and it’s nice to have them open all day. It gives the shopper nine hours to select their sundry goods”. Rikki’s favourite shop is Gregg’s, the bakers. “They do a lovely chocolate flake cake there. They even put a small section of a Flake bar on the top and it’s nice with another cup of tea”. Rikki hopes to become even more famous this year. “I hope to become even more famous this year” she says.
Above; Rikki relaxes and watches her favourite medical drama Below: Rikki poses outside her small detached house just outside Gatwick Airport

RIKKI GALLUP SITS ON HER SETTEE AND WATCHES HOLBY CITY

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 16 MEEKIE

ORRITE?
Issue 1 EXCLUSIVE! June 2007

As Welsh celebrities go, Krik (he only has the one name in honour of his childhood superhero Superted), is one of the most famous. In some countries, he is even more famous than that bloke out of Def Leppard. You knowthe one with one arm. I think he might have died. Him anyway. But there’s more to Krik than just plucking the strings of love: “I sometimes like going to Kwik Save and sniff things. I can spend hours in the fabric conditioner aisle. I just love smelling things– herbs, spices, fabric conditioners, washing powders, marker pens– anything that reminds me of my childhood basically”. Krik’s certainly come a long way since those days and now lives in a 14 bedroom flat in the trendy area of Cardiff known as Grangetown, with his 17 dogs and a tortoise called Sid. But living in the fast lane has taken its toll on the South Wales rocker. “I got caught driving my Fiat Uno through town at 140mph. I was only trying to clear my carburettor. I was flashed by a camera. A copper then pulled me over and told me that he’d been waiting for me, so I told him that I got there as fast as I could”. Krik was fined £60 and had three points put on his licence. “Coming through driving rehab was hell but I got there in the end thanks to my dogs and tortoise”
Above: Krik singing Below: A recent picture (picture courtesy of South Wales Speed Enforcement (Speed camera) Department)

Omega 66’s Krik is famous for strumming in public. And also for driving quite fast

“If it wasn’t for my tortoise I wouldn’t be here today” Krik opens his heart to Meekie Monthly about his music, his sniffing and his coming to terms with his SP30

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 17 MEEKIE

Advertise here for as little as
£20

per month.
Meekie Monthly is a fast growing E-Magazine with its roots in South Wales but with a global readership base.You can be part of this growing phenomenon by advertising on our hallowed pages. Just £20 will buy you a full page advert in glorious technicolour, street cred and exposure to new clients. Email meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk

You?

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 18 MEEKIE

h a nversation wit Co

Machine
Josie: WEMBLEY Alys: Lisa Wembly?

By Josie Henley

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Lisa: So you’d like to stay in Traveldodge Wembley Hotel. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: When will you be arriving? Josie: Tuesday the eighteenth of April. Lisa: Staying for how many nights? Josie: Three. Lisa: Ok. You’d like to arrive on Tuesday the eighteenth of April and stay for three nights. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: Great. Now tell me how many adults will be staying. Josie: Two. Lisa: And how many children aged fifteen and under will be staying? Josie: One. Lisa: And would you prefer smoking or non-smoking?

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Josie: Non-smoking.

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 18 MEEKIE

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king availability.

Continued next month……..

How lazy are you?
Let Meekie Monthly decide whether you’re a lazy arse
START HERE Do you ever get out of bed late? yes Would you stay there all day? no no yes You’re a liar. You’re also a lazy arse. yes Are you overweight? yes Lazy arse no yes Would you order in pizza, two kebabs no and a bottle of coke? Would you try and work the food off?

yes

no Please go to the next square no matter how you got here yes

no You are in danger of exploding. Please consult a vet

Do you maintain regular bowel movements?

Is that pizza going to work itself off? no no

no

Would this be by getting out of bed to turn the TV over?

yes

no Only to get some more pizza yes

Would you use a skateboard to take you across the room?

yes

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20

Josie: W EM

Alys: Lisa W em

Lisa: So you’ d like to st Josie: Yes.

Lisa: W hen will yo Josie: Tuesd

B

ill y Sian H

Lisa: Staying for

se the goss on the mes All the scandal all today!!! King Kebab

d up stars of

CELEBRIT Y UPDATE
BLEY bley? ay in Traveld odge W emb ley Hotel. Is that right? u be arriving ? ay the eight eenth of Apr ights? il. how many n

the wn. I personally find of slappers around to d with all sorts ange, and fanhe is getting snappe bit of ‘rough’ for a ch st Prince W illiam. And . Maybe he wants a icking out of g into the 21 century bit of kebab lettuce st split up with future kin e Royal Family move Kate Middleton has someone with a little th ould come d So think it’s about time ‘ladies’. I think he sh ough their blood, an thing hysterical, and round white star running thr ded by all those posh un whole ‘ buy one get 2 free’ d hunt, I’ll be dancing boring for him surro down for a proper bir nal! him, must be terribly meone with a bit more e cies so e! You cant blame like, cigarette is optio u do decide to com fresh from chippie lan other. Join me if you al bird! So Wills, if yo their teeth, , and find a re bottle of Bud in the that he’s newly single kebab in one hand, down to Cardiff now rses outfit! Dog shit rth of life bar, in a nu the lamppost , just no

Druggie Duo

the singers together! Apparently d for recording a single cent has openly talke are in talks drugs they share. 50 illiams and 50 Cent dy! Robbie W ht by 3 armed re’s their love of e for the single alrea endless! I mean the last week he got caug the joy! Get in queu dably true, the list is there’s Robbie; only Oh eir ‘hard tan ral times. And then ! And then there’s th to talk about! Unders g been arrested seve ent most tra Strength Lemsips ve a lot in common vin ha ere’s Robbie who sp paracetamol and Ex drugs in the past, ha s and battery. And th uggle out 2 packs of love for recreational ce sm ed! Perof his bars for firearm offen y guards for trying to me out and he chok ending time behind ars if the feathers ca – the chemist’ securit ‘Boots rd time, sp have got 3 ye cent clearly had a ha ry Barlow! He could knock’ childhoods. 50 g pillow fights with Ga dungarees on, havin of it in that band with hear the single! sonally I can’t wait to are ruon, and some songs Bears sing a new album so Shitney to be relea ave 4 u’, and incess of Pop is going e more time’, ‘I’m a sh studio! Finally, the Pr es- ‘Drop me baby on ing of the song titl is back in the record n’t wait to hear some And Britney Spears cent ‘breakdown’. I ca on her re from. moured to be based few she could choose again! ’ being just a ‘Oops I’ve lost it MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21

LEBRITY CE UPDATE
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y, as the ring her pregnanc ing in America du Girl, says her mum arriv cognisable Spice Mel B has blamed weight. The unre reaction to piled on so much ast dinners. Her reason she has by feeding her ro onally, I fattening her up, s my ass!’. Pers r mum has been mply been – ‘Kis he s si out her weight ha ace on it! her piss-takers ab uld write the whole of W ar and Pe if I co was gonna ask

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lf in Scotve a round of go and decided to ha all over. Said to be a arrived in the UK and groped Justin Timberlake n of his mbarded by fans sed for the duratio rently he was bo has been increa land. Appa m Jones rity equivalent to To mberlake’s secu tle shaken up, Ti blic, it’s probably lit had a lf course was pu ngos! I heard he . Seeing as the go d ry own Castle Bi stay v in one of our ve d out right flattene e next course an g up to use the la turnin was on th urly Wurly ichelle McManus scarded half a C lucky escape. M e heard he had di guards, when sh 2 of his security zer! and a bottle of Ti

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, after otlight this month me under the sp has co eems Mr r Tom Jones, he sion this week. S so And talking of Si about her depres to talk W elsh stud has al has stepped out uch of it, and the his wife ctor of m has slept g hands was a fa ount of women he Jones’s wanderin bottles st count of the am st that he has lo rhythm stick’ into to dip his ‘Welsh admitted in the pa ue ed a little plaq st told how he lik eded to remove with. One conque ! – Perhaps he ne g foreplay of Listerine durin wwwww! ck to the wife ! Ew re going ba befo

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MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22

you get? angr y do How

Are you as cool as a cucumber or do you need to visit an anger management class? Let Meekie Monthly diagnose you with this fab quiz!

en you open e Cornflakes wh om downstairs for s en up and gone ok gone. Do you? 1. You've just w to Kwik Save? all the milk has coat ready to pop find that ur elf. the fridge door to closing the door and putting on yo g ry loudly to yours ly bbage at a passin ntly, slow ik Save sighing ve g that gone off ca ng to Kw a) sigh ge pi win or shut and stom e floor, before thro slam the fridge do ll the food onto th b) e fridge, pull out a Rip the door off th c) t allowing you ry slowly and no ve car? of you, pedalling ulls out in front tp rk when a cyclis 're driving to wo 2. You you? ss to overtake. Do r a clearing to pa rse to make aiting patiently fo gently, w them to pull over? ore selecting reve g ef a) sigh over the cyclist, b ation and gesturin your horn in frustr or, driving straight at b) toot t. rd on the acceler lmet and remoun your foot down ha c) slam e to readjust his he wabbers. Do sn't have tim me bird with big at the cyclist doe so sure th u and employed ss has sacked yo bo to find that your back to the car? You get to work 3. making your way way back to the and k and making your u? f from your desk uf yo des gathering your st ur stuff from your fore gathering yo sigh gently, before be a) u don't have to be t he's an arsehole, king over his "Yo Tell your boss tha b) knoc f the window and rowing him out o r? th ca rd in the bollocks, Boot your boss ha ? c) sign off the wall. your car. Do you here- but it helps" to work st put a ticket on mad as ju traffic warden h , you find that a back to your car least ten minutes? 4. When you get monstrating for at yourself? re en and putting to to ticket you and gently, muttering up the traffic ward n a) Sigh den on his decisio opping only to pick fore reversing, st nge the traffic war et be b) Challe forwards for 10 fe the car up, drive c) Start ith the cyclist? him in the boot w MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 24 MEEKIE

h t his football throug young scamp has pu me e and notice that so u arrive back at hom his 5. Yo ung whippersnapper u? ass and handing the yo front window. Do yo gl your y through the broken gently, picking your wa a) sigh ball back? t with a broom? kid up by his ears and e the kid up the stree ing inside, picking the ad b) chas her window, before he the kid through the ot c) boot out his football. taking him home- with ching an episode of mfort yourself by wat w beers to co s episode will now be An angry ma settle down with a fe , meaning that today' 6. You n yesterday has run over tunately, the cricket down. Unfor Count . Do you? dy? shown at a later date watch Richard and Ju gently, turning over to o are too slow to a) sigh hard on your sofa? g down any players wh in ntrol down e cricket field and mow b) slam your remote co ur car straight onto th 's, taking yo c) drive down to Lord vilion? meone they met make it back to the pa relationship with so ual favour of a homosex rtner has left you, in , your pa 7. When you get back debauchery? yesterday. Do you? bble in their duplicious da l hours earlier? ntly, allowing them to have in fact left severa ey a) sigh ge before realising that th loudly at your partner, b) shout what to do next? very angrily, unsure of y as he's gone to c) Growl on the spot ded not to open toda deci s, but Mr Wong has lf with a bag of chip fort yourse 8. You decide to com you? e for some cornflakes? watch the cricket. Do car and heading hom your self, getting back into d a) sigh gently to your t into your back seat an ite fast? y chips as you can ge before running off qu man b) Smash his window helping yourself to as Talk? h Mr Wong's window, ug mous in 1982 by Talk c) Drive your car thro r beat combo made fa la "It's My Life!", the popu driving home singing you wouldn’t notice ad would fall off and he in the slightest. Your a non-angry person Nothing bothers you ly Mostly As– larly angry person or cu agement immediate for some anger man You’re neither a parti e Mostly Bs– ggest that you arrang You’re an animal. I su Mostly Cs–

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 25 MEEKIE

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roscopes Ho

with Enog

ARIES s"). it? (Reader: "Yes it ha Mar 21 - Apr 20 tastic you. Hasn't it? Hasn't been for u do will become a fan hat a boring month it's for you. Everything yo W month on. Sorry, I've been mises to be a stunning fact, there....oh hang Never mind. June pro nt to sleep with you. In you meet will wa success and everyone ke. Sorry about that. reading Leo's by mista TAURUS u when you get moving away from yo r 21 - May 21 t people have started Ap you. Your tha er. Have you recently ur legs closed if I were yes. The bovine wond ing off. Better keep yo Ah you're giv be the smell of Bovril ora Hird. close to them? That's sting a field of cows- Th related to defro me breath smells. Lucky na GEMINI rovision es that went into the Eu I think they were the on May 22 - Jun 22 ste of nd called Gemini. Yes. Gemini. A complete wa n't there a crap pop ba ms you up this month Was t about su Nil Pwar. W ell that jus Song Contest and got contest- 18th June. entering a song space. Unlucky day for CANCER em to . It's not wonder you se like....erm...crab paste June 23 - July 23 d an aroma help. W hy shells, soft centres an sideways also doesn't The crab people. Hard walk in and out of clubs you hts. s month. The fact that ur fish tank- Friday nig have lost your mojo thi day for cleaning out yo rmal people? Lucky can't you just be like no d LEO a fantastic success an ng you do will become 24 - Aug 23 life. July month for you. Everythi r month for you in your mises to be a stunning re hasn't been a bette June pro u. In fact, the ll want to sleep with yo everyone you meet wi don't you Leo? But you do deserve it, in VIRGO spending most of June left for you, so you'll be g 24 - Sep 23 Au isn't much room e yourself use this month, there t into the garden to giv With Jupiter in your ho the barbeque stuff ou er to move the spiders. Rememb the garden shed with pointy stick. the rats out with a big more room, and keep

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28

oscopes Hor

with Enog

y too much r. Not to worr rist/ scales all ove ghtmare terro velop fish-like LIBRA turns into a ni h as you'll de 23 imming on the 17th e this mont Sept 24 - Oct rally quite tru at Kwik Save to the local sw on their way e scales. Lite onth. A shop every m who were The sign of th ter the SBS. same problem ft in it. ith your life af isces has the pe w baking tray le though. P one with the and you esca hind- the scenario, lley to hide be hostage-taking out. Lucky tro y to help baths, stop b ays r genitals alw moist and thei re always to avoid SCORPIO u last month Their thighs a o. We told yo - Nov 22 ople straight. Oct 24 en Scorpi turn gay pe right. this month th o sexy, they . Serves you ve got the clap n their eyelid xy Scorpio. S Se ame you' and wart o for action. Sh the big nose primed ready The one with b. wn the local pu that munter do get started on te off June and S you, I'd wri SAGITTARIU fact, if I were agittarius. In - Dec 21 month S Nov 23 out about this ng much to sh Nothi early. July a month e days in here'll be som the e bad days. T badder than days and som CAPRICORN ys that will be e some good d some da 20 There'll b onth in June. Dec 22 - Jan e bad days an better than th ect a varied m n exp ith. s that are Capricorns ca g to ply you w are more day ything excitin me days that so think of an between and n't be arsed to All in all, I ca better days. AQUARIUS 19 Jan 21 - Feb r you too. That goes fo pin the Argos and Pip istry set from ade-up iature chem my son's min spouting off m PISCES walk. He ate ination to go 20 r the incl needs his Feb 20 - Mar er the time, no late, the dog o I have neith ell, it's getting ouse. S As for you. W all over my h anyway. been sharting notice of them Spaniel has don't take any you. You horoscopes to

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29

Sport
Due to the end of the sporting season, we are unable to bring you any sports stories of any kind. We can tell you though that we will be back in September, when people all over the world start playing sport again.

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 30 MEEKIE