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Duffy, Carol Ann: Adultery

Wear dark glasses in the rain.
Regard what was unhurt
as though through a bruise.
Guilt. A sick, green tint.
New gloves, money tucked in the palms,
the handshake crackles. Hands
can do many things. Phone.
pen the wine. Wash themselves. Now
you are naked under your clothes all day,
slim with deceit. nly the once
brings you alone to your knees,
miming, more, more, older and sadder,
creative. !uck a lie with a hole in it
on the way home "rom a lethal, thrilling
up against a wall, "aster. #anguage
unpeels a lost cry. $ou%re a bastard.
&o it do it do it. !weet darkness
in the a"ternoon' a voice in your ear
telling you how you are wanted,
which way, now. A telltale clock
wiping the hours "rom its "ace, your "ace
on a white sheet, gasping, radiant, yes.
Pay "or it in cash, "iction, cab("ares back
to the li"e which crumbles like a wedding(
Paranoia "or lunch' too much
to drink, as a hand on your thigh
tilts the restaurant. $ou know all about
don%t you. )urn on your beauti"ul eyes
"or a stranger who%s dynamite in bed, again
and again' a slow replay in the kitchen
where the slicing o" innocent onions
scalds you to tears. )hen, sel"ish
autobiographical sleep
in a marital bed, the tarnished spoon o"
your body
stirring betrayal, your heart over(ripe at the
$ou%re an e*pert, darling' your "lowers
dumb and e*plicit on nobody%s birthday.
!o write the script ( illness and debt,
a ring thrown away in a garden
no moon can heal, your own words
commuting to bile in your mouth, terror (
and all "or the same thing twice. And all
"or the same thing twice. $ou did it.
What. &idn%t you. +,,,. +,,,. No. )hat
the wrong verb. )his is only an abstract
Larkin, Philip
Sad Steps
Groping back to bed a"ter a piss
. part the thick curtains, and am startled by
)he rapid clouds, the moon%s cleanliness.
+our o%clock/ wedge(shaped gardens lie
0nder a cavernous, a wind(pierced sky.
)here%s something laughable about this,
)he way the moon dashes through the clouds that
#oosely as cannon(smoke to stand apart
1!tone(coloured light sharpening the roo"s below2
High and preposterous and separate((
#o3enge o" love4 5edallion o" art4
wolves o" memory4 .mmensements4 No,
ne shivers slightly, looking up there.
)he hardness and the brightness and the plain
"ar(reaching singleness o" that wide stare
.s a reminder o" the strength and pain
" being young' that it can%t come again,
6ut is "or others undiminished somewhere.
High Windows
When . see a couple o" kids
And guess he%s "ucking her and she%s
)aking pills or wearing a diaphragm,
. know this is paradise
7veryone old has dreamed o" all their lives((
6onds and gestures pushed to one side
#ike an outdated combine harvester,
And everyone young going down the long slide
)o happiness, endlessly. . wonder i"
Anyone looked at me, "orty years back,
And thought, )hat%ll be the li"e'
No God any more, or sweating in the dark
About hell and that, or having to hide
What you think o" the priest. He
And his lot will all go down the long slide
#ike "ree bloody birds. And immediately
Rather than words comes the thought o" high
)he sun(comprehending glass,
And beyond it, the deep blue air, that shows
Nothing, and is nowhere, and is endless.
The Whitsun Weddings
)hat Whitsun, . was late getting away/
Not till about
ne(twenty on the sunlit !aturday
&id my three(8uarters(empty train pull out,
All windows down, all cushions hot, all sense
" being in a hurry gone. We ran
6ehind the backs o" houses, crossed a street
" blinding windscreens, smelt the "ish(dock' thence
)he river%s level dri"ting breadth began,
Where sky and #incolnshire and water meet.
All a"ternoon, through the tall heat that slept
+or miles inland,
A slow and stopping curve southwards we kept.
Wide "arms went by, short(shadowed cattle, and
9anals with "loatings o" industrial "roth'
A hothouse "lashed uni8uely/ hedges dipped
And rose/ and now and then a smell o" grass
&isplaced the reek o" buttoned carriage(cloth
0ntil the ne*t town, new and nondescript,
Approached with acres o" dismantled cars.
At "irst, . didn%t notice what a noise
)he weddings made
7ach station that we stopped at/ sun destroys
)he interest o" what%s happening in the shade,
And down the long cool plat"orms whoops and
. took "or porters larking with the mails,
And went on reading. nce we started, though,
We passed them, grinning and pomaded, girls
.n parodies o" "ashion, heels and veils,
All posed irresolutely, watching us go,
As i" out on the end o" an event
Waving goodbye
)o something that survived it. !truck, . leant
5ore promptly out ne*t time, more curiously,
And saw it all again in di""erent terms/
)he "athers with broad belts under their suits
And seamy "oreheads' mothers loud and "at'
An uncle shouting smut' and then the perms,
)he nylon gloves and :ewellery(substitutes,
)he lemons, mauves, and olive(ochres that
5arked o"" the girls unreally "rom the rest.
$es, "rom ca";s
And ban8uet(halls up yards, and bunting(dressed
9oach(party anne*es, the wedding(days
Were coming to an end. All down the line
+resh couples climbed aboard/ the rest stood
)he last con"etti and advice were thrown,
And, as we moved, each "ace seemed to de"ine
<ust what it saw departing/ children "rowned
At something dull' "athers had never known
!uccess so huge and wholly "arcical'
)he women shared
)he secret like a happy "uneral'
While girls, gripping their handbags tighter, stared
At a religious wounding. +ree at last,
And loaded with the sum o" all they saw,
We hurried towards #ondon, shu""ling gouts o"
Now "ields were building(plots, and poplars cast
#ong shadows over ma:or roads, and "or
!ome "i"ty minutes, that in time would seem
<ust long enough to settle hats and say
. nearly died,
A do3en marriages got under way.
)hey watched the landscape, sitting side by side
( An deon went past, a cooling tower, And
someone running up to bowl ( and none
)hought o" the others they would never meet
r how their lives would all contain this hour.
. thought o" #ondon spread out in the sun,
.ts postal districts packed like s8uares o" wheat/
)here we were aimed. And as we raced across
6right knots o" rail
Past standing Pullmans, walls o" blackened moss
9ame close, and it was nearly done, this "rail
)ravelling coincidence' and what it held
stood ready to be loosed with all the power
)hat being changed can give. We slowed again,
And as the tightened brakes took hold, there swelled
A sense o" "alling, like an arrow(shower
!ent out o" sight, somewhere becoming rain.
Church oing
nce . am sure there%s nothing going on
. step inside, letting the door thud shut.
Another church/ matting, seats, and stone,
And little books' sprawlings o" "lowers, cut
+or !unday, brownish now' some brass and stu""
0p at the holy end' the small neat organ'
And a tense, musty, unignorable silence,
6rewed God knows how long. Hatless, . take o""
5y cycle(clips in awkward reverence.
5ove "orward, run my hand around the "ont.
+rom where . stand, the roo" looks almost new (
9leaned, or restored= !omeone would know/ . don%t.
5ounting the lectern, . peruse a "ew
Hectoring large(scale verses, and pronounce
%Here endeth% much more loudly than .%d meant.
)he echoes snigger brie"ly. 6ack at the door
. sign the book, donate an .rish si*pence,
Re"lect the place was not worth stopping "or.
$et stop . did/ in "act . o"ten do,
And always end much at a loss like this,
Wondering what to look "or' wondering, too,
When churches will "all completely out o" use
What we shall turn them into, i" we shall keep
A "ew cathedrals chronically on show,
)heir parchment, plate and py* in locked cases,
And let the rest rent("ree to rain and sheep.
!hall we avoid them as unlucky places=
r, a"ter dark, will dubious women come
)o make their children touch a particular stone'
Pick simples "or a cancer' or on some
Advised night see walking a dead one=
Power o" some sort will go on
.n games, in riddles, seemingly at random'
6ut superstition, like belie", must die,
And what remains when disbelie" has gone=
Grass, weedy pavement, brambles, buttress, sky,
A shape less recognisable each week,
A purpose more obscure. . wonder who
Will be the last, the very last, to seek
)his place "or what it was' one o" the crew
)hat tap and :ot and know what rood(lo"ts were=
!ome ruin(bibber, randy "or anti8ue,
r 9hristmas(addict, counting on a whi""
" gown(and(bands and organ(pipes and myrrh=
r will he be my representative,
6ored, unin"ormed, knowing the ghostly silt
&ispersed, yet tending to this cross o" ground
)hrough suburb scrub because it held unspilt
!o long and e8uably what since is "ound
nly in separation ( marriage, and birth,
And death, and thoughts o" these ( "or which was
)his special shell= +or, though .%ve no idea
What this accoutred "rowsty barn is worth,
.t pleases me to stand in silence here'
A serious house on serious earth it is,
.n whose blent air all our compulsions meet,
Are recogni3ed, and robed as destinies.
And that much never can be obsolete,
!ince someone will "orever be surprising
A hunger in himsel" to be more serious,
And gravitating with it to this ground,
Which, he once heard, was proper to grow wise
." only that so many dead lie round.
!cuckian, !ed"h: #enus and the $ain
White on white, . can never be viewed
Against a heavy sky((my gibbous voice
Passes "rom lea" to lea", retelling the story
" its own provocative "ractures, till
)heir "acing coasts might almost "ill each other
And they ask me in reply i" .%ve
&ecided to stop trying to make diamonds.
n one occasion . rang like a bell
+or a whole month, promising their torn edges
)he birth o" a new ocean 1as all o" us
Who have hollow bodies tend to do at times2.
What clues to distance could they have,
!o sel"(e*cited by my sagging sea,
Widening ten times "aster than it really did=
Whatever rivers sawed their present lairs
)hrough my lightest, still(warm rocks,
. told them they were only giving up
A sun "or sun, that cruising moonships "ind
)hose icy domes rela*ing, when they take her
Rind to pieces, and a water"all
0nstitching itsel" down the "ront stairs.
Hughes, Ted
The Thought &o'
. imagine this midnight moment%s "orest/
!omething else is alive
6esides the clock%s loneliness
And this blank page where my "ingers move.
)hrough the window . see no star/
!omething more near
)hough deeper within darkness
.s entering the loneliness/
9old, delicately as the dark snow,
A "o*%s nose touches twig, lea"'
)wo eyes serve a movement, that now
And again now, and now, and now
!ets neat prints into the snow
6etween trees, and warily a lame
!hadow lags by stump and in hollow
" a body that is bold to come
Across clearings, an eye,
A widening deepening greenness,
6rilliantly, concentratedly,
9oming about its own business
)ill, with sudden sharp hot stink o" "o*
.t enters the dark hole o" the head.
)he window is starless still' the clock ticks,
)he page is printed.
Apple Tragedy
!o on the seventh day
)he serpent rested,
God came up to him.
>.%ve invented a new game,> he said.
)he serpent stared in surprise
At this interloper.
6ut God said/ >$ou see this apple=>
. s8uee3e it and look(cider.>
)he serpent had a good drink
And curled up into a 8uestion mark.
Adam drank and said/ >6e my god.>
7ve drank and opened her legs
And called to the cockeyed serpent
And gave him a wild time.
God ran and told Adam
Who in drunken rage tried to hang himsel" in the
)he serpent tried to e*plain, crying >!top>
6ut drink was splitting his syllable.
And 7ve started screeching/ >Rape4 Rape4>
And stamping on his head.
Now whenever the snake appears she screeches
>Here it comes again4 Help4 Help4>
)hen Adam smashes a chair on his head,
And God says/ >. am well pleased>
And everything goes to hell.
Crow(s Theology
9row reali3ed God loved him(
therwise, he would have dropped dead.
!o that was proved.
9row reclined, marvelling, on his heart(beat.
And he reali3ed that God spoke 9row(
<ust e*isting was His revelation.
6ut what #oved the stones and spoke stone=
)hey seemed to e*ist too.
And what spoke that strange silence
A"ter his clamour o" caws "aded=
And what loved the shot(pellets
)hat dribbled "rom those strung(up mummi"ying
What spoke the silence o" lead=
9row reali3ed there were two Gods(
ne o" them much bigger than the other
#oving his enemies
And having all the weapons.
Crow(s &irst Lesson
God tried to teach 9row how to talk.
>#ove,> said God. >!ay, #ove.>
9row gaped, and the white shark crashed into the sea
And went rolling downwards, discovering its own
>No, no,> said God. >!ay #ove. Now try it. #ove.>
9row gaped, and a blue"ly, a tsetse, a mos8uito
?oomed out and down
)o their sundry "lesh(pots.
>A "inal try,> said God. >Now, #ove.>
9row convulsed, gaped, retched and
5an%s bodiless prodigious head
6ulbed out onto the earth, with swivelling eyes,
<abbering protest ((
And 9row retched again, be"ore God could stop him.
And woman%s vulva dropped over man%s neck and
)he two struggled together on the grass.
God struggled to part them, cursed, wept ((
9row "lew guiltily o"".
Harrison, Tony: #)
!3@3 ;v, ;s kutathats3, hogy megtal@ld
a csal@di kAvek kA3t sBromat,
hentes, kocsm@ros, p;k, s most ;n, a b@rd,
ki hCs, sAr, keny;r mell; verset ad.
6yron, h@rom sBrral "el:ebb, e3 itt
s3emben Wordsworth, pomp@s kis t@rsas@g h@t.
A3 elDdeim, bi3onyos "okig,
s mind ugyanott v;ge33Ek, ha a t@rn@k,
amelyek itt ve3ettek valaha
e parcell@k alatt, beomlanak
;s csont, s3;ntArmel;k, des3ka,
pala mass3@:@ba gyCr:a a holtakat.
Wordsworth orgon@t ;pBtett a gD3g;p
kor@ban, 6yron cser3Dvarga volt.
Nyughelyet itt tal@ltak, mielDtt m;g
a legalsF holt :@rat beomolt.
6eeston hegyoldal@n e temetD
ad ma:d nekem is v;gsD nyughelyet,
a csal@di sBrt n@rcis3, rF3satD
:el3i, amelyet ap@m Eltetett.
! a sBron tClrFl ell@togatok
a3 iskol@ba, hol latint tanultam,
s a p@ly@ra, hol a #eeds(s3urkolFk
h;trDl(h;tre csalFdnak csapatukban,
s hogy viss3anyel:;k Anbi3almukat,
a sBrokat, ahogy @tv@gnak itt,
le"C::@k "est;ksprayvel s a csapat
dicsDs;g;re le is vi3elik.
!Ellyed a "Ald, lent b@nya mGkAdAtt.
<obbra(balra dDlnek a sBrkAvek.
.tt erre +A!?, ott arra hogy HI9!IG
"C:ta a randalBro3F tAmeg.
7 bank@r obelis3k:;n van el;g hely
csal@d:a Ass3es halottainak,
m;gis, ketten pihennek hitves;vel
a3 elhagyott, de bEs3ke kD alatt,
;s "est;ks3FrFval egy durvas@g.
+iai, unok@i mess3e mentek,
meghalni sem t;rtek ha3a,
h@t van hova "irk@lni a s3kinhedeknek.
A "eliratok kA3Att van latin,
e r;gi polg@rmester;n amott,
vagy a !omme(n@l elhulltak sBr:ain,
s van 3solt@r(tAred;k, aranyo3ott
ima, s >a3 Jr mag@ho3 s3Flitotta>,
;s a3t@n bibliai pass3usok
;s versek, kinek mennyire "utotta,
;s v;gEl H0RKA, 60?. s +A!?, de sok4
Ls #77&!, s egy v. ;s egy m@sik csapat,
a mClt, a3 e vagy a :AvD heti
ellen";l s rass3ista s3itoks3avak,
a s3kint sok minden "elbDs3Btheti.
! a3t@n, meg ne l@ss@k, vagy dolga van,
"@k, sBrboltok kA3t, mint a csapata
leg:obb s3;lsD:e, cik@3va rohan
s "utt@ban K(t m@3ol mindenhova.
Pro"imFd @ll ke3;ben a "lakon,
a K bal s3@ra kiss; rAvidebb,
mint a pip@;. &olgo3atokon
tan@roktFl sosem kapott ilyet.
+iatalabban, mint e s3kinhedek,
;n is mes3eltem K(ket a "alakra.
&e h@borC volt ;s e3t a :elet,
hogy levakar:@k, senki nem akarta.
A3 ;let minden ellent;te e
sok K/ #eeds(&erby, ;s tapas3talatbFl
tudom, hogy ";r:("eles;g, "ekete
"eh;r, "asis3ta(kommunista, bal(:obb,
os3t@ly os3t@ly elleni harcait
:elentik, harcot a3 Dk ;s mi kA3t,
MNOP(ben itt
a s3aks3erve3et e3 s a b@nya trAs3t,
!3ikhQhindu, l;lekQtest, keletQnyugat,
;rtelemQ;r3elem ;s ";r"iQnD,
emberek mind, kiknek v@las3t nem ad
a mClt s nem v@r:@k, mit ho3 a :AvD.
A :elen hely3et nem valami rF3s@s,
hogyha horogkeres3tet "C:nak itt
a sBrokra, ;s hogy Nem3eti +ront, s m@s,
piros "est;kkel m;g a3t, hogy 60?.H.
Lpp e3 a s3F :@r "e:emben, mikor
megtis3togatom v;gre s3Eleimnek
sBr:@t a drukkerek mocskaitFl
s a3t l@tom, 0N.)7&. Hogy egyesEltek.
Nagy 6ritanni@ban h@ny temetDt
ver "el a gyom, mert a3 eg;s3 csal@d,
mint #eedsbDl ;n, v;gleg elkAltA3Att,
ha m@shol :obb meg;lhet;st tal@lt4
R ;ves voltam, mikor PS ;ve
ap@m kiho3ott nagyany@mho3 engem.
A vir@gokat a sBr:@ra t;ve
a3t mondta, nagyap@mmal van a 5ennyben.
Hetente :Att ki annak ide:;n,
a t;rde s@ros volt, hogy ha3a:Att. &e
s3Eleim hal@la Fta a3 ;n
MS perceimbDl T Fra :An Ass3e.
7gy(k;t gyors l@togat@s minden ;vben,
;s ugyan kinek a hib@:a, hogy
oly sok s3kin "C::a a sBrra nev;t s nem
vir@g "ogad, csak sArAsdobo3ok=
Ha a3 urn@kat, a vB3t@rolFt,
a vir@gcsokrot tartF kDed;nyt
s3em;ttel s3Fr:@k be a s3urkolFk,
nemcsak a3 D hib@:uk. A mi;nk.
7gykapura "oci3ik U gyerek.
A kapu"a egy vir@gba borult "a,
ha eltal@l:@k, a s3irom pereg,
s Dk r@ke3denek a Nászindulóra.
&irekt a tAr3s;t c;lo33@k, s as3ott
galagonya(esD 3@poro3ik.
Ahogy n;3em a sBron e3t a s3Ft,
m@r(m@r a3t gondolom, marad:on itt.
1Pers3e a3t kBv@n:a a becsElet,
hogy elmond:am, gondolhattam ak@rmit,
ha elke3dem is kaparni, csak egy
Fr@m volt a vonat csatlako3@sig.
Vgy a3t@n lehet, Eres ki"og@s volt
a3 eg;s3 hogy m;rt nem l@ttam neki
a s3FtFl, amit a s3kin odam@3olt,
s3Eleim sBr:@t megtis3tBtani.2
)ollam nem var@3sp@lca. Nem his3em,
hogy van egy s3ebb vil@g is, de ap@m
v@ltig rem;lte, hogy ma:d >oda"enn>
:obb ;lete les3 any@m oldal@n.
Ln nem his3em, hogy volna tClvil@g,
s b@r tudom, hogy csal@s, m;gsem lehet nem
Cgy olvasni,mint valami im@t,
hogy 0N.)7&/ lelkEk egy lett a 5ennyben,
Bm, egy v;letlen ;rtelem(ad@s,
s nem sBrgyal@3@s a3 ostoba tett,
a csapat nev;nek egys3erre m@s,
politikai :elent;se lett.
Kan, ahol rabtartFik neve henceg
Fri@si betGkkel a "alakon,
7gy yorkshire(i b@ny@n a WA# !. H7 97G
1a meg"e:tDnek nem :@r :utalom42.
A sok kir@lyi cBmer, alkohol
rekl@m, villogF neon, "alragas3
alatt tArp;k e sr@cok valahol,
dEhEkben a3t "C::@k a "alra, +A!?.
&Esseldor"ban @tl@ts3F g@3csAvek
HR0PP nev;t k;k betGkkel hirdetik.
Harok lendElnek, a brit elitet
magasban tart:@k sunyi Egyeik.
HARR.!N ( a3 ;pElD h@3akon
e3 @ll #eedsben, :F vicc, a3 ;n nevem.
#@ttam a 6roadwayen, kAnyvcBmlapon
a s3kin ne Br:a nev;t le sosem=
&e m;rt "C::@k le a sBrkAveket=
5i;rt e3 a sok 60?., G79.= #@m,
a mClts3@3adi b@ny@s3 +7HA lett,
a "Gs3eresbDl meg RHA&) 9.GWN$.
A3 ;lDket t@mad:@k a s3kinek,
nem a3;rt verik "el a temetDket,
mert ott keresnek rokon s3ellemet.
Xk is csak el akarn@k kapni Dket.
6@r tAbbnyire munkan;lkEliek
e3ek a sr@cok, m;gis, m;rt his3ik,
hogy a >"eka>, >cig@ny>, >3sidF>
tehet arrFl, ha kedvenc csapatuk ves3Bt=
73 a3 agress3ivit@s mit :elent=
A tr@g@rs@g= A holtakra mitDl
sug@r3ik @t idegengyGlAlet=
Kagy hal@l";lelem csak= Cri-de-coeur=
Mi van? Mi a faszt cri(de(coeur(özöl=
Nem tudsz úgy beszélni, aogy anyádat allottad,
csa! !ibaszott görög"l?
#ugd fel a cri(de(coeurt, ne verd a nyálad$
>7lDs3Ar is, nem bes3;lt soha %gy>
"ordultam EvAltve a hang "el;.
&zerinte a !ibaszott verseid
trágár és értetetlen zagyvalé!$
<F volna e m;ly aspir@ciFval
hallani s3Eleim;rt egy im@t,
hogy a3t@n s3eretet( ;s b;keFha:
3eng:e be eg;s3 Nagy 6ritanni@t.
's(iráció, az !ell, buzi állat?
'!ine! szarba tun!ol)á! fe)ét,
segélyen él, mi a faszt as(irálat?
*ogy mint a szenet, la(átra tegyé!+
>k;, hagy:uk. N;3d, :Fl tudom, a #eeds
"olyton ves3Bt s e3 olyan lehetetlen.
Ls hogy belEl a sAr is dolgo3ik.
&e e3 a sok K4 7llen4 7llen4 7llen4>
Megmondom, mit,l (öccene! be+ *ogy
ott van a s%ron sza!má)u! neve+
*entes, !ocsmáros, (é!+ -gy (at!olo!
el, ogy bel,lem nem lesz semmi se+
&z"lés!or anyám ma)dnem be!re(ált+
Még az is )obb, mint a segélyre vársz+
.tt ez a buzi boltos, '((leyard,
és /ords0ort, a szá)ba!úrt orgonás$
Nem a!aro! talál!ozni a mennyben
anyámmal, folyton isztizi!,
és &zent !ibaszott 1éterne! se zengem,
ogy szar segélyen éltem 2eedsben itt+
'z angyalo! !ara veri a nyálat+
*a el(at!ol egy csóró !is geci,
a s%r)án mi az istenfasza áll ma)d?
*ogy itt nyugszi! egy mun!anél!"li?
3z itt 4yron, a cserz,varga s%r)a,
és egész életében volt meló+
5ölt,, ez lesz a te s%rodra %rva,
de az, seggfe), !ibaszott csúnya szó$
>Huss, hagyd abba a "ik@3@st, kAcsAg4
73t a kAnyvet a3;rt Brom, te;rted,
hogy s3Ft kap:anak a3 olyan pAcsAk,
mint te.> ' !önyve!, faszfe), szart se érne!+
>Hogy meg;rtessem, mi van amAgAtt,
ha p@r suhanc "est;ks3FrFt ragad
;s Ass3em@3ol:a a temetDt.>
5is fasz, !urvára ne fáraszd magad+
>A3t pers3e nem tudod, te budi(mGv;s3,
hogy ki volt Rimbaud, de ne r@gd magad.
6enne kAltD ;s s3kinhed egyesElt ;s
a3 autre, aki )e est, "as3"e:, te vagy.>
Mondtam, ne gyere ne!em a göröggel,
vagy szét lesz rúgva, faszfe), a tö!öd+
5inyúvadsz és úgy szedne! össze reggel$
Ne all)a! itt még egyszer görögöt$
>Koltak balh;im annak ide:;n
nekem is, csak p@rs3@3 m;terre innen.>
6ogado!, verset %rtál, geci!ém$
>6e"ogod m@r, vagy mi a kurva isten=
Kalami koncert volt itt, opera,
egy s3opr@n kornyik@lt a s3Bnpadon.
Ls akkor es3embe :utott, hogy a
tG3oltF("ecskendDvel elkapom.
Nemcsak a3 ;nekhang ho3ta elD.
Amikor s3Fl@sra emelkedett
a3 @ls3ent Hugh Gaitskell k;pviselD,
egys3erre p"C:olt s tapsolt a tAmeg.
Ahogy a nD s3opr@n sikolyait
meghallottam, valami els3akadt.
.tt m@r soha semmi nem v@lto3ik.
#elkem s3;t"es3Btette a harag.
Ls v;get ;rt Gaitskell s3Fnoklata
;s a3 a s3opr@n gurgul@3va 3engett
pont a3 orrom elDtt, s ugyana3 a
gyGlAlet nDtt bennem is, ami benned.
Gyorsan elcsavartam a tG3csapot,
spricceltem mindenkire a vi3et.
Ls "utottam a3t@n, gondolhatod.
7lmondtak minden";le stricinek...>
#e aztán nem arra mentél tovább+
Még ogy nem csa! étellel él az ember+++
4eálltál, )utalmad !o!sz, )ó (iá!,
és (ezsg,-(uncs a !u(agy,zelemmel+
7reg faszi! meséli!, ogy amit
utáltál rég, azzal már )ól !i)össz+
8endes fe)e! eze! a vénfaszi!+
#e !i!ész%t az ilyen "lye (öcs+
6elebarátun! ázát ne !iván)u!,
se n,)ét, mond)a a zsaru, a (a(+
9yer"n!, &átán, rántsd le amar gatyá)u!
és verd ne!i! lom(os far!adat$
H@3ass@gra gondoltam, s3erelemre,
amely valFdi ";r"i(nD vis3ony.
&e r@m se hederBtett. A3t kereste
m@r, hol van a "est;ks3FrF "lakon.
>H@3ass@gra gondoltam, s3erelemre.>
' mennyországba baszva )utni át?
5intha ;n bu3dBtottam volna erre,
egy K(bDl gyorsan ra:3olt egy pin@t.
:e csa! ne (ofázz arról, mi legye!$
*ogy az osztályom !é(visel)em itt$
5urvára nem !ellene! sen!ine!
az osztályarcban a szar verseid+
&zo(ogass drazsét$ 5ine! !ellene
a te nagy!é(; versed? :udo! én
%rni, egész 2eeds tele van vele$
<N.:3# - itt van egy fasz s%r!övén+
>k;4 1A3t hittem, v;gre meg"ogom m@r.2
Ha olyan b@tor vagy, legkA3elebb,
a meccs ut@n, ha p@r sArt m@r benyomt@l
s n@lad a spray, Brd al@ a neved4>
K;gigm;rt megvetDn, lassan lehC3ta
a "est;kpis3tolyrFl a kupakot
;s a 0N.)7& al@ oda"C:ta
a nev;t. A3 ;n nevem l@ttam ott.
!r@cok harsog:@k a Nászindulót,
a "e:emre s3iromlev;l pereg.
+;l ;nem ;l, "ele kihalt, ahogy
a s3kin a sBrra "C:ta nevemet.
+;l ellen ";l. A s3Bv meg ne hasad:on,
ne hord:a mag@ban ellen"el;t.
+Alvettem egy "lakont. #es3@llt a3 alkony.
+;lig vil@gos ;s ";lig sAt;t.
5it nem3etemnek kBv@ntam, a s3F,
s s3Eleimnek, hogy egyesEl:enek,
most ism;t csak egy s3kinhed s3urkolF
r;s3eg, vand@l sBrrong@l@sa lett.
A r;m:@r@s Fr@:a kA3eleg,
;s nem nagyon s3eretn;m, hogy any@m
s3ellem;vel kell:en most Hamletet
:@ts3anom ennyi tr@g@rs@g ut@n.
Nem sietek, b@r indul a vonat.
#eeds megsEllyedt sBrkAvei kA3Att,
amit alant a holtak tartanak,
be:@rom a3 elhagyott temetDt.
tt lenn van a3 a 3eg3ugos Ereg,
melytDl dDlnek a sBrkert kAvei.
9sak idD k;rd;se, s e3t a helyet
a lakFival egyEtt elnyeli.
5ond:uk, YS ;vem van h@tra m;g.
RU ;vesen itt v;ge3em.
A sBr nem i:es3t, csak a3 a sAt;t
lyuk, mely alatta t@tong odalenn.
Konatom indul(e, hi@ba n;3ek
a3 Fratoronyra. Nem l@tok itt
m@st, csak s3@3milliF ;ves nAv;nyek
els3enesedett maradv@nyait.
A3 U sr@c "C::a a N@s3indulFt,
hull a s3irom, ahogy "@ra lDnek
labd@:ukkal. +@radhatatlanok,
pedig egy nDi hang m@r hBv:a Dket.
T "iC menyass3ony ;s vDleg;ny,
Y meg trallal@3, leedsi 2oengrin.
#assan sAt;ts;g teleps3ik kAr;m.
5egyek, de nem les3 viss3at;rni sem kBn.
#;pdelek itt a s3irom(s3Dnyegen,
a sArAsdobo3t, "lakont, s3emetet,
els3@radt n@rcis3t m;g Ass3es3edem,
a3t@n viss3a se n;3ek, elmegyek.
A3 l(es bus3 vis3 m;g a3 @llom@sig,
de Ctvonala nem a r;gi m@r.
N;3em, a r;gi #eedsbDl m;g mi l@ts3ik
a nap vArAslD sugarain@l.
Ha3a, ha3a, ha3a a3 ass3onyomho3,
a nap v;re m@r "eket;re alvad.
Ha3a, ha3a, ma:d ass3onyom "eloldo3,
a3 @gy@ban tal@lok ma:d nyugalmat.
)urb@nos Areg megy, kopog a bot:a,
s3amoc@t ves3. Kalaha itt a sArt m;g
hitelbe adt@k, ma a sarki boltra
a3 van kiBrva, hogy HasmBr HA3Ass;g.
5inden h@3 7#A&Z. &e valaha
e3en a3 utc@n :@ts3ottunk krikettet
tG3hely(rost;lybDl k;s3Elt kapura.
5ost minden h@3at >s3Bnes bDrG Erge> ves3 meg,
s e3 ap@mtFl enyhe ki"e:e3;s
volt m;g, mindentDl ";lt, ami s3okatlan,
egy arc, vagy ha lement sArt venni ;s
a curry s3ag@t ;re3te a boltban.
! ahogy a sok kis E3let itt be3@rt,
s D gyeng;bb lett, de nDtt a tyCks3eme,
egyre mess3ibb boltokba s@ntik@lt,
hogy kedvenc ;teleit megvegye.
5ikor a3t@n a hoss3C utakat
heti n;gys3er kellett megtennie,
Cgy gondolta, hogy ann@l a vacak
babkon3ervn;l dr@g@bb a3 ide:e.
&e a bev@s@rlFkA3pont se volt :obb,
m;ly"agyas3tott ";l b@r@nyaival.
A pult mAgAtt a l@ny sosem mosolygott,
ha viccelni prFb@lt a v;n s3ivar.
5;g a tra"ikossal bes3;lgetett
( heti adag (, amikor cigarett@t
v@s@rolt, de ennek is v;ge lett,
a3 E3let indiai k;3be ment @t.
7 bedes3k@3ott ablakok mAgAtt
3engtem, hogy >K;gtelen a3 idD kCt:a>.
H@ny ;vmilliF telt, mBg l;tre:Att
a kDs3;n ;s a k;3, mely ide"C:ta
a metodista ;s a3 anglik@n
templom "alaira is, hogy 60?.H=
megos3tott@k a hBveket, s ma l@m,
v;c;papBrt kaps3 akciFsan itt.
Ha3a, ass3onyomho3, viss3a se t;r:ek,
mBg hamvaimat nem s3Fr:@k ide
e rF3sabokroknak tAv;be, v;gleg,
ap@m(any@m mell; a "Aldbe le.
Ha3a, a3 ass3onyomho3, ha3at;rek,
ahol hGvAs m@:usi este tG3 ;g,
;s a s3;nbe kAvElt nAv;nyi ;let
a kErtDn @t els3Akik kFs3a "Estk;nt.
Ls hallgat:uk a 2ulut, s3tereo,
egy s3opr@n hang "elsD c(t ;nekel,
s kandallFnkban YSS milliF
;ves p@"r@nyligetek ;gnek el.
Alban 6erg "elsD d(:e ;s briketts3;n
egy "orr@s a neveddel mindah@ny,
a3 egyik, hall:uk, pattog eleny;s3v;n,
a p@"r@nyliget, l@t:uk, rApke l@ng.
)Cls@gosan sok ember ;l a "AldAn,
a hBradFban kis golyFbis, Cgy van,
pingpong(, tenis3( ;s "ocilabda s rAgtAn
a3t@n lAv;s a3 IbAl(h@borCban.
HGl a hamu, s3Bne @tv@lt vArAsre,
most megy a k;sDesti hBradF,
rendDrAk s3tr@:kolFkkal csapnak Ass3e,
ArAk erDs3ak ;s agress3iF.
5ost 0lster ;s Vrors3@g k;pei.
A t;rk;pen kElAnbA3D s3inek.
His koporsF, csak k;t ember vis3i,
h@tul @larcos, "egyveres menet.
7gy villan@s, a k;pernyD sAt;t,
itt a s3erelem, @lom ide:e.
#@tom a s3Ft, s3Eleim sBrkAv;t,
;s tudom, mit !ell :elentenie.
Ahogy "elakas3tom kab@tomat,
a s3Dnyegre hull p@r "onnyadt s3irom,
s egy r;g"eledett ;r3;s "els3akad,
r@nk is Bgy hullt s3irom egy m@:uson.
#eeds(s3erte, mint kBs;rtet(:elen;s,
a Nászinduló s3Fl minden"elDl.
5enyass3onyom s3ob@mba be:An ;s
me3telenEl a3 oldalamra dDl.
Horgony a t@rs, a s3eretett,
ha hor3sol a v;r kAtel;ke. +A!?,
EvAlt egy hang. A3 ilyen s3Aveget
nem bBr:a. .smerem, a s3kinhed a3.
AlteregFm hallani sem akar:a,
s3Ft@ra nem ismeri, !?7R7)7).
HAltDi s3F. 0N.)7& @ll alatta,
n;v:egy, amit a s3kinhed odatett.
H;tlem, hogy YS "agyos leedsi Ds3, t;l
s YS tavas3, ny@r rEgye, melege
eltGnteti, amit Ass3ekAtAtt;l.
)e dAntAd el, a s3F ott marad(e.
!3@3 ;v ;s kutathats3, hogy megtal@ld
a csal@di kAvek kA3t sBromat.
Pedig ott van a boltos, Appleyard
mellett, a sArAsdobo3ok alatt.
tt van 6yron, nem mess3e Wordsworth,
6roadbent, Richardson balra volt.
&e ho33@l magaddal valami vegys3ert
hogy a tr@g@r s3avakat lepucold.
Ha ki"inomult ;r3;seidet
a3 Ales 60?. ;s +A!? s;rti kiss;,
h@t vakard le, de hagyd meg, hogy 0N.)7&,
s marad:on ra:ta, k;rlek, a3 a kis v.
GyD3elem= Annak, ki a3 anyagot
teremtette, hogy l;lekk; legyen.
&e va:on a "Ald m;g meddig "orog=
#es3(e a testekbDl s3;n odalenn=
Gyere ki egys3er egy m@:usi s3;p
reggelen, amikor a3 alma"@k
@gait hi@ba rugdal:a s3;t
p@r kAlyAk, bDven van ra:ta vir@g.
! ha l@tod, valaki a betEket
bAng;s3ni ke3di, hogy ki van e sBrban
6eeston hegyoldal@n, l;p: kA3elebb,
;s olvasd "el e verset, magam Brtam.
5ölt,t re)t ez a ánya-mély gödör+
*a !%váncsi vagy, ogy lesz vers a &='8,
csa! ús !ell ozzá, !enyér s (ersze sör,
szerezd meg vers-dru!!er, s úzz el amar+
Dunn, Douglas: *res s+ekr,nyek
7gy ruhaboltban Eltem, igyeke3tem
9sillogni, mint egy i":C ;s habFk
HAvet, villogni, mint egy h[s a
5int egy "ilms3t@r vagy s3Bnes
A ruha/ m\"a:a a s3erelemnek.
);vCt= Hicsit. &e [ s3erette e3t.
Napok, al;lt rachmanyinovi percek ]
!tBlussal heny;lni, csBpni a kellemest.
6arn@ban hagyta el a prFba"Elk;t,
9sinos gyEmAlcshBm3;ses blC3t viselt'
HAntAs kAntAsre, piros Cri kelm;k ]
#ubickolt, E3letass3onyk;nt "es3Btett.
?Aldet v@las3tott. A h@3ban tal@lta,
.tt a gAnchalma3ban. A gombolyag,
5us3lin3s@kokban/ egy eml;k(sal@ta.
Nyitogatok elmClt illatokat.
&e a3 a nap, P@ri3sban, "@: ma is m;g,
Akkor pFri ";r:k;nt mondtam nemet.
5ind mustr@lta a v@ll"@k v;gtelen:;t ]
5a ;::el is gyAtAr a :elenet.
5ost a s3abF a "@:dalom, a gy@s3ban
+;rcel[ varrFn[ a "@:dalom, ]
Gy@s3ol a3 ;let Ennepi(3il@ltan...
Ruh@im, mondta, s3;tos3togatom.
-eckett, Sa.uel: /rapp(s Last Tape
' late evening in te future+
5ra((>s den+
6ront centre a small table, te t0o dra0ers of 0ic o(en to0ards audience+
&itting at te table, facing front, i+e+ across from te dra0ers, a 0earis old man? 5ra((
8usty blac! narro0 trousers too sort for im+ 8ust blac! sleevless 0aistcoat, four ca(aciou (oc!ets+ *eavy
silver 0atc and cain+ 9rimy 0ite sirt o(en at nec!, no collar+ &ur(rising (air of dirty 0ite boots, size
ten at least, very narro0 and (ointed+
/ite face+ 1ur(le nose+ #isordered grey air+ <nsaven+
very near-sigted @but uns(ectacledA+ *ard of earing+
Crac!ed voice+ #istinctive intonation+
2aborious 0al!+
Bn te table a ta(e-recorder 0it micro(one and a number of cardboard boCes containing reels of
recorded ta(es+
table and immediately ad)acent area in strong 0ite ligt+ 8est of stage in dar!ness+
5ra(( remains a moment motionless, eaves a great sig, loo!s at is 0atc, fumbles in is (oc!ets, ta!es
out an evelo(e, (uts it bac!, fumbles, ta!es out a small bunc of !eys, raises it to is eyes, cooses a !ey,
gets u( and moves to front of table+ *e stoo(s, unloc!s first dra0er, (eers into it, feels about inside it, ta!es
out a reel of ta(e, (eers at it, (uts it bac!, loc!s dra0er, unloc!s second dra0er (eers into it, feels about
inside it, ta!es out a large banana, (eers at it, loc!s dra0er, (uts !eys bac! in is (oc!et+ *e turns,
advances to edge of stage, alts, stro!es banana, (eels it, dro(s s!in at is feet, (uts end of banana in is
mout and remains motionless, staring vacuously before im+ 6inally e bites off te end, turns aside and
begins (acing to and fro at edge of stage, in te ligt, i+e+ not more tan four or five (aces eiter 0ay,
meditatively eating banana+ *e treads on s!in, sli(s, nearly falls, recovers imself, stoo(s and (eers at s!in
and finally (uses it, still stoo(ing, 0it is foot over te edge of te stage into (it+ *e resumes is (acing,
finises banana, returns to table, sits do0n, remains a moment motionless, eaves a great sig, ta!es !eys
from is (oc!ets, raises tem to is eyes, cooses !ey, gets u( and moves to front of table, unloc!s second
dra0er, ta!es out a second large banana, (eers at it, loc!s dra0er, (uts bac! is !eys in is (oc!et, turns,
advances to te edge of stage, alts, stro!es banana, (eels it, tosses s!in into (it, (uts an end of banana in
is mout and remains motionless, staring vacuously before im+ 6inally e as an idea, (uts banana in is
0aistcoat (oc!et, te end emerging, and goes 0it all te s(eed e can muster bac!stage into dar!ness+ :en
seconds+ 2oud (o( of cor!+ 6ifteen seconds+ *e comes bac! into ligt carrying an old ledger and sits do0n
at table+ *e lays ledger on table, 0i(es is mout, 0i(es is ands on te front of is 0aistcoat, brings tem
smartly togeter and rubs tem+
HRAPP 1bris!ly2. Ah4 1*e bends over ledger, turns te (ages, finds te entry e 0ants, reads+2 6o* . . .
thrree . . . spool . . . "ive. 1e raises is ead and stares front+ /it relis.2 !pool4 1(ause.2 !pooool4 1a((y
smile+ 1ause+ *e bends over table, starts (eering and (o!ing at te boCes.2 6o* . . . thrree . . . three . . .
"our . . . two . . . 10it sur(rise2 nine4 good God4 . . . seven . . . ah4 the little rascal4 1*e ta!es u( te boC,
(eers at it.2 6o* thrree. 1*e lays it on table, o(ens it and (eers at s(ools inside.2 !pool . . . 1e (eers at te
ledger2 . . . "ive . . . 1e (eers at s(ools2 . . . "ive . . . "ive . . . ah4 the little scoundrel4 1*e ta!es out a s(ool,
(eers at it.2 !pool "ive. 1*e lays it on table, closes boC tree, (uts it bac! 0it te oters, ta!es u( te
s(ool.2 6o* three, spool "ive. 1*e bends over te macine, loo!s u(+ /it relis.2 !pooool4 1a((y smile+ *e
bends, loads s(ool on macine, rubs is ands.2 Ah4 1*e (eers at ledger, reads entry at foot of (age+2
5other at rest at last . . . Hm . . . )he black ball . . . 1*e raises is ead, stares blan!ly front+ 1uzzled+2 6lack
ball= . . . 1*e (eers again at ledger, reads.2 )he dark nurse . . . 1*e raises is ead, broods, (eers again at
ledger, reads.2 !light improvement in bowel condition . . . Hm . . . 5emorable . . . what= 1*e (eers closer.2
78uino*, memorable e8uino*. 1*e raises is ead, stares blan!ly front+ 1uzzled.2 5emorable e8uino*= . . .
11ause+ *e srugs is ead soulders, (eers again at ledger, reads.2 +arewell to(1e turns te (age2(love.
*e raises is ead, broods, bends over macine, s0itces on and assumes listening (osture, i+e+ leaning
fore0ard, elbo0s on table, and cu((ing ear to0ards macine, face front+
)AP7 1strong voice, rater (om(ous, clearly 5ra((>s at a muc earlier time.2 )hirty(nine today, sound as a(
1&ettling imself more comfortable e !noc!s one of te boCes off te table, curses, s0itces off, s0ee(s
boCes and ledger violently to te ground, 0inds ta(e bac! to te beginning, s0itces on, resumes (osture.2
)hirty(nine today, sound as a bell, apart "rom my old weakness, and intellectually . have niw every reason to
suspect at the . . . 1esitates2 . . . crest o" the wave(or thereabouts. 9elebrated the aw"ul occasion, as in
recent years, 8uietly at the winehouse. Not a soul. !at be"ore the "ire with closed eyes, separation the grain
"rom the husks. :otted down a "ew notes, on the back on an envelope. Good to be back in my den in my old
rags. Have :ust eaten . regret to say three bananas and only with di""iculty restrained a "ourth. +atal things
"or a man with my condition. 1Deemently.2 9ut %em out4 1(ause.2 )he new light above my table is a great
improvement. With all this darkness around me . "eel less alone. 11ause.2 .n a way. 11ause.2 . love to get up
and move about in it, then back here to . . . 1esitates2 . . . me. 1(ause.2 Hrapp.
)he grain, now what . wonder do . mean by that, . mean . . . 1esitates2 . . . . suppose . mean those things
worth having when all the dust has(when all my dust has settled. . close my eyes and try and imagine them.
1ause+ Era(( closes is eyes briefly+
7*traordinary silence this evening, . strain my ears and do not hear a sound. ld 5iss 5cGlome always
sings at this hour. 6ut not tonight. !ongs o" her girlhood, she says. Hard to think o" her as a girl. Wonder"ul
woman, though. 9onnaught, . "ancy. 11ause.2 !hall . sing when . am her age, i" . ever am= No. 11ause.2 &id
. sing as a boy= No. 11ause.2 &id . ever sing= No.
<ust been listening to an old year, passaages at random. . did not check in the book, but it must be at least
tne or twelve years ago. At that time . think . was still living on and o"" with 6ianca in Hedar !treet. Well
out o" that, <esus yes4 Hopeless business. 11ause.2 Not much about her, apart "rom a tribute to her eyes. Kery
warm. . suddenly was them again. 11ause.2 .ncomparable4 11ause.2 Ah well . . . 11ause.2 )hese old P.5.s
are gruesome, but . o"ten "ind them(15ra(( s0itces off, broods, s0itces on2(a help be"ore embarking on a
new . . . 1estitates2 . . . retrospect. Hard to believe . was ever that young whelp. )he voice4 <esus4 And the
aspirations4 14rief laug in 0ic 5ra(( )oins.2 And the resolutions4 14rief laug in 0ic 5ra(( )oins.2 )o
drink less, in particular. 14rief laug of 5ra(( alone.2 !tatistics. !eventeen hundred hours, out o" the
preceding eight thousand odd, consumed on licensed premises alone. 5ore than TS^, say PS^ o" his
waking li"e. 11ause+2 Plans "or a less . . . 1esitates2 . . . engrossing se*ual li"e. #ast illness o" his "ather.
+lagging pursuit o" happiness. 0nattainable la*ation. !neers at what he calls his youth and thanks to God
that it%s over. 11ause.2 +alse ring there. 11ause.2 !hadows o" the opus . . . magnum. 9losing with a (1brief
laug2(yelp to Providence. 11rolonged laug in 0ic 5ra(( )oins.2 What remains o" all that misery= A girl
in a shabby green coat, on a railway(station plat"orm= No=
When . look(
5ra(( s0itces off, broods, loo!s at is 0atc, gets u(, goes bac!stage into dar!ness+ :en seconds+ (o( of
cor!+ :en seconds+ &econd cor!+ :en seconds+ :ird cor!+ :en seconds+ 4rief burst of Fuavering song+
HRAPP @singsA+
Now the day is over,
Night is drawing nigh(igh,
6it of couging+ *e comes bac! into ligt, sits do0n, 0i(es is mout, s0itces on, resumes is listening
)AP7 (6ack on the year that is gone, with what . hope is perhaps a glint o" the old eye to come, there is o"
course the house on the canal where mother lay a(dying, in the late autumn, a"ter her long viduity 15ra((
gives a start2, and the( 15ra(( s0itces off, 0inds bac! ta(e a little, bends is ear closer to te macine,
s0itces on2 (a(dying, a"ter her long viduity, and the(
5ra(( s0itces off, raises is ead, stares blan!ly before im+ *is li(s move in te syllables of Gviduity+G No
sound+ *e gets u(, goes bac! stage into dar!ness, comes bac! 0it an enormous dictionary, lays it on table,
sits do0n and loo!s u( te 0ord+
HRAPP 1reading from dictionary2. !tate(or condition o" being(or remaining(a widow(or widower. 12oo!s
u(+ 1uzzled+2 6eing(or remaining= . . . 11ause+ *e (eers again at dictionary+ 8eading.2 >&eep weeds o"
viduity> . . . Also o" an animal, especially a bird . . . the vidua or weaver bird . . . 6lack plumage o" male . . .
1*e loo!s u(+ /it relis.2 )he viduabird4
1ause+ *e closes dictionary, s0itces on, reusmes listening (osture+
)AP7 (bench by the weir "rom where . could see her window. )here . sat, in the biting wind, wishing she
were gone. 11ause.2 Hardly a soul, :ust a "ew regulars, nursemaids, in"ants, old men, dogs. . got to know
them 8uite well(oh by appearance o" course . mean4 ne dark young beauty . recall particularly, all white
and starch, incomparable bosom, with a big black hooded perambulator, most "unereal thing. Whenever .
looked in her direction she had her eyes on me. And yet when . was bold enough to speak to her(not having
been introduced(she threatened to call a policeman. As i" . had designs on her virtue4 12aug+ 1ause.2 )he
"ace she had4 )he eyes4 #ike . . . 1esitates2 . . . chrysolite4 11ause.2 Ah well . . . 11ause.2 . was there when(
15ra(( s0itces off, broods, s0itces on again2(the blind went down, one o" those dirty brown roller a""airs,
throwing a ball "or a little white dog, as chance would have it. . happened to look up and there it was. All
over and done with, at last. . sat on "or a "ew moments with the ball in my hand and the dog yelping and
pawing at me. 11ause+2 5oments. Her moments, my moments. 11ause.2 )he dog%s moments. 11ause.2 .n the
end . held it out to him and he took it in his mouth, gently, gently. A small, old, black, hard, solid rubber
ball. 11ause.2 . shall "eel it, in my hand, until my dying day. 11ause.2 . might have kept it. 11ause.2 6ut .
gave it to the dog.
Ah well . . .
!piritually a year o" pro"ound gloom and indulgence until that memorable night in 5arch at the end o" the
:etty, in the howling wind, never to be "orgotten, when suddenly . saw the whole thing. )he vision, at last.
)his "ancy is what . have chei"ly to record this evening, againt the day when my work will be done and
perhaps no place le"t in my memory, warm or cold, "or the miracle that . . . 1esitates2 . . . "or the "ire that set
it alight. What . suddenly saw then was this, that the belei" . had been going on all my li"e, namely( 15ra((
s0itces off im(atiently, 0inds ta(e fore0ard, s0itces on again2 (great granite rocks the "oam "lying up in
the light o" the lighhouse and thw wind(gauge spinning like a propellor, clear to me at last that the dark .
have always struggled to keep under is in reality( 15ra(( curses, s0itces off, 0inds ta(e fore0ard, s0itces
on again2 (unshatterable association until my dissolution o" storm and night with the light o" the
understanding and the "ire( 15ra(( curses loader, s0itces off, 0inds ta(e fore0ard, s0itces on again2 (my
"ace in her breasts and my hand on her. We lay there without moving. 6ut under us all moved, and moved
us, gently, up and down, and "rom side to side.
Past midnight. Never knew such silence. )he earth might be uninhabited.
Here . end(
5ra(( s0itces off, 0inds tabe bac!, s0itces on again+
(upper lake, with the punt, bathed o"" the bank, then pushed out into the stream and dri"ted. !he lay streched
out on the "loorboards with her hands under her head and her eyes closed. !un bla3ing down, bit o" a bree3e,
water nice and lively. . noticed a scratch on her thigh and asked her how she came by it. Picking
gooseberries, she said. . said again . thought it was hopeless and no good going on, and she agreed, without
opening her eyes. 11ause.2 . asked her to look at me and a"ter a "ew moments( 1(ause2 (a"ter a "ew moments
she did, but the eyes :ust slits, because o" the glare. . bent over her to get them in the shadow and they
opened. 11ause+ 2o0.2 #et me in. 11ause.2 We dri"ted in among the "lags and stuck. )he way they went
down, sighing, be"ore the stem4 11ause.2 . lay down across her with my "ace in her breasts and my hand on
her. We lay there without moving. 6ut under us all moved, and moved us, gently, up and down, and "rom
side to side.
Past midnight. Never knew(
5ra(( s0itces off, broods+ 6inally e fumbles in is (oc!ets, encounters te banana, ta!es it out, (eers at
it, (uts it bac!, fumbles, brings out te envelo(e, fumbles, (uts bac! envelo(e, loo!s at is 0atc, gets u(
and goes bac!stage into dar!ness+ :en seconds+ &ound of bottle against glass, ten brief si(on+ :en
seconds+ 4ottle against glass alone+ :en seconds+ *e comes bac! a little unsteadily into ligt, goes to te
front of table, ta!es out !eys, raises tem to is eyes, cooses !ey, unloc!s first dra0er, (eers into it, feels
about inside it, ta!es out reel, (eers at it, loc!s dra0er, (uts !eys bac! in is (oc!et, goes and sits do0n,
ta!es reel off macine, lays it on dictionary, loads virgin reel on macine, ta!es envelo(e from is (oc!et,
consults bac! of it, lays it on table, s0itces on, clears is troat and begins to record+
HRAPP <ust been listening to that stupid bastard . took mysel" "or thirty years ago, hard to beleive . was
ever as bad as that. )hank God that%s all done with anyway. 11ause.2 )he eyes she had4 14roods, realizes e
is recording silence, s0itces off, broods+ 6inally.2 7verything there, everything, all the( 18ealizing tis is
not being recorded, s0itces on+2 7verything there, everything on this old muckball, all the light and dark
and "amine and "easting o" . . . 1esitates2 . . . the ages4 1.n a sout.2 $es4 11ause.2 #et that go4 <esus4 )ake
his mind o"" his homework4 <esus 11ause+ /eary.2 Ah well, maybe he was right. 14roods+ 8ealizes+ &0itces
off+ Consults envelo(e.2 Pah4 1Crum(les it and tro0s it a0ay+ 4roods+ &0itces on.2 Nothing to say, not a
s8ueak. What%s a year now= )he sour cud and the iron stool. 11ause.2 Revelled in the word spool. 1/it
relis.2 !pooool4 Happiest moment o" the past hal" million. 11ause.2 !eventeen copies sold, o" which eleven
at trade price to "ree circulating libraries beyond the seas. Getting known. 11ause.2 ne pound si* and
something, eight . have little doubt. 11ause.2 9rawled out once or twice, be"ore the summer was cold. !at
shivering in the park, drowned in dreams and burning to be gone. Not a soul. 11ause.2 #ast "ancies.
1Deemently.2 Heep %em under4 11ause.2 !calded the eyes out o" me reading 7""ir again, a page a day, with
tears again. 7""ie . . . 11ause.2 9ould have been happy with her, up there on the 6altic, and the pines, and the
dunes. 11ause.2 9ould .= 11ause.2 And she= 11ause.2 Pah4 11ause.2 +anny came in a couple o" times. 6ony
old ghost o" a whore. 9ouldn%t do much, but . suppose better than a kick in the crutch. )he last time wasn%t
so bad. How do you manage it, she said, at your age= . told her .%d been saving up "or her all my li"e.
11ause.2 Went to Kespers once, like when . as in short trousers. 11ause+ &ings.2
Now the day is over,
Night is drawing nigh(igh,
!hadows( 1couging, ten almost inaudible2 (o" the evening
!teal across the sky.
19as(ing.2 Went to sleep and "ell o"" the pew. 11ause.2 !ometimes wondered in the night i" a last e""ort
mightn%t(11ause.2 Ah "inish yout boo3e now and get to your bed. Go on with this drivel in the morning. r
leave it at that. 1Pause.2 #eave it at that. 11ause.2 #ie propped up in the dark(and wander. 6e again in the
dingle on a 9hristmas 7ve, gathering holly, the red(berried. 11ause.2 6e again on 9roghan on a !unday
morning, in the ha3e, with the bitch, stop and listen to the bells. 11ause.2 And so on. 11ause.2 6e again, be
again. 11ause.2 All that old misery. 11ause.2 nce wasn%t enough "or you. 11ause.2 #ie down across her.
2ong (ause+ *e suddenly bends over macine, s0itces off, 0rences off ta(e, tro0s it a0ay, (uts on te
oter, 0inds it fore0ard to te (assage e 0ants, s0itces on, listens staring front+
)AP7 (gooseberries, she said. . said again . thought it was hopeless and no good going on, and she agreed,
without opening her eyes. 11ause.2 . asked her to look at me and a"ter a "ew moments( 1(ause2 (a"ter a "ew
moments she did, but the eyes :ust slits, because o" the glare. . bent over her to get them in the shadow and
they opened. 11ause+ 2o0+2 #et me in. 11ause.2 We dri"ted in among the "lags and stuck. )he way they went
down, sighing, be"ore the stem4 11ause.2 . lay down across her with my "ace in her breasts and my hand on
her. We lay there without moving. 6ut under us all moved, and moved us, gently, up and down, and "rom
side to side.
1ause+ 5ra((>s li(s move+ No sound+
Past midnight. Never knew such silence. )he earth might be uninhabited.
Here . end this reel. 6o*( 1(ause2 (three, spool( 1(ause2 ("ive. 11ause.2 Perhaps my best years are gone.
When there was a chance o" happiness. 6ut . wouldn%t want them back. Not with the "ire in me now. No, .
wouldn%t want them back.
5ra(( motionless staring before im+ :e ta(e runs on in silence+

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