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THE SIMPSONS

"Sludge Takes Springfield"

written by
Morgan Evans

09 17, 2014

Page 1

SLUDGE TAKES SPRINGFIELD


by
Morgan Evans
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. CONVENTION CENTER - MORNING
HOMER, MARGE, BART, LISA and MAGGIE are walking outside of
the convention center. A sign reads KNITTING CONVENTION -SORRY. Everyone looks exasperated but Marge.
HOMER
(SARCASM) Im so glad you decided to do
your birthday at a knitting convention.
BART
(SARCASM) Yeah mom, great idea.
LISA
(SARCASM) I cant wait to see how
enlightening it is inside.
MAGGIE
(SARCASTIC SUCKING)
MARGE
I dont appreciate the sarcasm.
HOMER
(SARCASM) Oooh, what is sarcasm?
MARGE
Thats sarcasm!
HOMER
(SARCASM) I dont know what youre
talking about.
(CONTINUED)

Page 2
CONTINUED:
MARGE
Do you really not know or are you being
sarcastic?
HOMER
(WORRIED) Im not sure! (SCREAMS)
The family enters the doors to the convention center as the
CRAZY CAT LADY is being thrown out by a SECURITY GUARD
along with her CATS. The CATS all have tons of yarn.
SECURITY GUARD
And stay out! Give me that pass.
We see one of her CATS is dressed as an old time-y press
reporter complete with hat and flash camera. It shakes the
press badge off.
SECURITY GUARD (CONTD)
If Ive said it once Ive said it a
thousand times. NO BUZZFEED!
The cat coughs up a hairball, which is one of those little
LOL logo things they have all over their site.
INT. CONVENTION CENTER - LATER
The family stands around the convention center and surveys
the booths. We see signs for YARNS A PLENTY, TOO MUCH
YARN, MORE YARN, and YARM. The Yarm booth is being
manned by OL GIL.
MARGE
Whats Yarm?
GIL
Its just like yarn!
MARGE
Whats different about it?
GIL
Its not yarn!
(CONTINUED)

Page 3
CONTINUED:
MARGE
(DISAPPOINTED SOUND)
The family moves on. We stay with Gil, who talks to his
pile of Yarm.
GIL
Looks like it just you and me, Yarm.
The pile of Yarm moves around. Its clearly a sentient
being.
YARM
(SQUISH SOUNDS)
GIL
Whatdya mean you quit!?!?
INT. CONVENTION CENTER - ANOTHER AREA
The family stands in group of YARN FANS who gawk at a booth.
A SALESMAN is displaying an elaborate web of yarn.
SALESMAN
Step right up! Step right up! (TO
GROUP) Now, what would you say is
yarns number one flaw?
HELEN LOVEJOY jumps at the question.
HELEN LOVEJOY
(SHOUTING) Its too colorful!
SALESMAN
No...
A CARL-ESQUE MAN pipes in.
CARL-ESQUE MAN
Its too expensive!
SALESMAN
No...
(CONTINUED)

Page 4
CONTINUED:
BRANDINE SPUCKLER pokes her head out.
BRANDINE
Its always damp!
SALESMAN
Nope! Its flimsy!
YARN FANS
Oh that makes sense / I feel foolish
for not knowing! / That was my second
guess.
SALESMAN
Now, what if I told you this yarn could
hold up three men?
HOMER
(FURIOUS) Id say youre a liar!
SALESMAN
Well, sir, why dont you step over here
so we can demonstrate.
Homer clears the table and is standing next to the man.
HOMER
Woo hoo!
SALESMAN
Now whats your name?
Homer panics, forgets his name.
HOMERS BRAIN
Stay calm. Stay calm. You know its
something with an H. Hober... Hammer...

(CONTINUED)

Page 5
CONTINUED:
HOMER
Hans Moleman. (ANNOYED GRUNT)
SALESMAN
(TO GROUP) Using our patented steel
infused yarn and this pulley system,
you might say its just like magic!
(SUDDENLY SERIOUS) But its not.
Theres no such thing as magic.
The salesman hooks Homer up to a pulley and attempts to
pull him upwards. He cant do it. The yarn SNAPS and Homer
falls to the floor.
SALESMAN (CONTD)
(SAVING FACE, TO GROUP) No worries! We
have more yarn somewhere.
He looks around and cant find it.
SALESMAN (CONTD)
(TO HIMSELF) Where is it!?
We PAN to:
INT. CONVENTION CENTER - ANOTHER AREA
Ralph Wiggum is grabbing his stomach in pain near a pile of
blue yarn.
RALPH
(MOANS) I ate the blue pasta.
INT. CONVENTION CENTER - LATER
Marge is holding quite a bit of yarn and yarn-related
products while Homer and the kids shuffle their feet. Barts
eyes light up and he points to something.
BART
Look! Sugar!
We PAN ACROSS the convention center to reveal a booth for
(CONTINUED)

Page 6
CONTINUED:
SLUDGE ENERGY -- ITS LIKE A TRUCK IN A CAN being manned
by BOOTH BABES with T-shirt cannons loaded with the cans.
They fire the cans at a crowd of eager PATRONS with their
hands up. The cans hit people in the face. At least three
times. HOMER runs into the middle of the crowd.
HOMER
Over here! Over here!
The BOOTH BABE shoots a can at Homer, who catches it with
his mouth and immediately swallows it whole.
HOMER (CONTD)
More! More!
BOOTH BABE
You know, youre really not supposed to
eat the can.
HOMER
(SINCERE) What can?
Bart jumps into the mix.
BART
I want one!
Marge puts her hand on Barts shoulder.
MARGE
Theyre not for children, Bart.
BART
But that kid has one!
Bart points at a Database-esque KID. The KID looks back at
Bart.
DATABASE-ESQUE KID
Hey, watch it! Thats my dad!
PAN TO REVEAL the KID is standing next to his TINY FATHER
who is way smaller than him. He gives an incredulous look
at Bart.
(CONTINUED)

Page 7
CONTINUED:
TINY FATHER
Come along Jeremy.
They slink away as the REPORTER CAT from earlier pounces on
the Tiny Father.
TINY FATHER (CONTD)
Ahhhhhh! Unhand me you foul beast!
The Booth Babe directs her attention to Marge.
BOOTH BABE
Believe it or not, Sludge is perfectly
safe for children!
MARGE
(CONCERNED MURMUR)
Lisa grabs a can off the table and looks at the back. We
see the nutrition label which is all blurred out.
LISA
I dont know. This nutrition label is
all curse words.
The BOOTH BABE takes it out of Lisas hands.
BOOTH BABE
Youve never heard of(BLEEP)-phates?
LISA
No...
BOOTH BABE
What about (BLEEP)-concentrate?
Homer is drinking another Sludge drink. The liquid is
thick, you know, like sludge.
HOMER
Mmm. (LONG BLEEP)-concentrate.

Page 8

INT. SIMPSON CAR - LATER


Homer is driving. MARGE is knitting in the passenger seat.
LISA, MAGGIE, and BART sit in the back.
HOMER
Hey Marge, pass me another Sludge.
MARGE
(NERVOUS MURMUR) I think youve had
enough.
HOMER
(WHINY) But Marge, Im trying to avoid
the sugar cra
Homer immediately falls asleep. The car swerves down the
street straight toward a light pole.
MARGE / BART / LISA / MAGGIE
(SCREAMS)
HOMER
(SNORES)
The car crashes into the light pole and Homer, still
asleep, goes flying through the windshield towards a big
pillow truck. The sign on the truck reads PILLOWS We PAN
TO REVEAL the tag line: MADE OUT OF STONE. FOR STATUES.
Homer lands in the truck.
HOMER (CONTD)
(PAINFUL YELLING, THEN SNORING)
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - DAY
Homer sits on the couch with both of his arms in casts. Bart
sits next to him. They have their feet propped up on boxes
of Sludge and they are both LOUDLY SIPPING cans of it.
ON TV
ITCHY AND SCRATCHY

(CONTINUED)

Page 9
CONTINUED:
The title card reads: Itchy and Scratchy in Skinnedecdoche, New York
Over SAD MUSIC. Scratchy sits upright on a medical table.
Itchy, dressed as a doctor, holds a clipboard and has just
delivered him bad news. Scratchy SIGHS.
We PAN from a sign that says Play Auditions to a waiting
room full of cats that look like Scratchy. The cat in the
front of the line enters the audition room. Scratchy and
this cat are now shaking hands.
Scratchy (or the fake Scratchy) has aged considerably and is
lying down in a bed. He takes his last breath and we slowly
fade out. SUPER: Written and Directed by Charlie Kaufman.
ANGLE ON BART AND HOMER
They look really confused and bored.
BART
(HIGHLY CAFFEINATED) What was that? Was
that boring? Seems boring. This show is
boring.
HOMER
(RAPID FIRE) Im with you, boy. Lets
get out of here. Go do something.
Something. We should do something.
BART
(STILL FAST) Couldnt have said it
better myself. Something to do. Do! Do!
They both get up from the couch and run around in circles,
hyped up.
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - BACKYARD - LATER
Homer (still with arm casts) and Bart are frantically doing
an assortment of things in the yard. Homer is raking leaves
and then smashing the potted plants while Bart climbs up the
treehouse, jumps out, and begins painting the fence. Theyre
essentially at twelve frames a second.
We pull back through the window and into-

Page 10

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS


The kitchen, where Marge and Lisa (Maggie is in her chair)
are watching them.
LISA
This is ridiculous. We should put a
stop to it.
MARGE
Oh theyll tire themselves out. And
besides, look at our fence!
ANGLE ON
The glistening fence, its like new.
LISA
But it cant be good for them, mom. Who
knows what those (BLEEP)-phates are
doing to their insides.
CUT TO:
INT. HOMERS STOMACH - CONTINUOUS
A festering pile of donuts, beer, meat, and a fugu fish. The
Sludge beverage sloshes around on top, then dissolves
everything in the stomach. It then dissolves part of the
stomach itself and evaporates in a dangerous looking steam.
ANGLE ON
Marge, back in the kitchen.
MARGE
Look how productive theyre being.
(THEN) Theyre even building a gazebo.
(EXCITEDLY, REALIZING) Look honey, a
gazebo!
Sure enough Homer and Bart have constructed a very large
white gazebo.
(CONTINUED)

Page 11
CONTINUED:
LISA
(EXASPERATED) I see it mom.
MARGE
A gazebo!
As Homer hammers the last nail into the gazebo him and Bart
immediately fall down, asleep. They both SNORE.
MARGE (CONTD)
(WORRIED MURMUR) OK. Youre right. No
more Sludge. (SADLY) It was good while
it lasted.
LISA
(SOME CONSOLATION) At least you got a
gazebo out of it?
We PAN across town to MARTIN frolicking in a field of
flowers. He sniffs a daisy and SNEEZES. We FOLLOW an
infinitesimally small gust of wind caused by his sneeze all
the way to the gazebo where it brushes it lightly. The
gazebo then FALLS APART taking the whole fence with them.
MARGE
(CONTEMPTUOUSLY) Martin...
LISA
Whyd you just say Martin?
MARGE
(DEFENSIVE) I dont know. People say
things. Get off my case.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING
HOMERS POV
An eyelid opens and scans the room. Everything looks
incredibly detailed and horrific. Hangover-lens.
BACK TO REALITY
(CONTINUED)

Page 12
CONTINUED:
Homer gets out of bed. His head is throbbing.
HOMER
I feel terrible.
Homer walks right into the closed bedroom door.
HOMER (CONTD)
(ANNOYED GRUNT) Stupid door and its
wiles.
Homer bats at the door with his hands.
HOMER (CONTD)
(YELLS) Open! (THEN, HIS YELLING
COMPOUNDING HIS HANGOVER) OW! (GRABS
HEAD) OW! (AGAIN) OW! (AGAIN) OW!
INT. BARTS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Homers muffled yelling permeates Barts bedroom wall,
waking him up.
BART
OW!
HOMER (O.S.)
OW!
BART
OW!
HOMER
OW!
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING
Marge is making pancakes while Lisa reads a newspaper.
Maggie is in the high chair. Bart and Homer enter.
BART / HOMER
OW! OW! OW!
(CONTINUED)

Page 13
CONTINUED:
MARGE
Good morning you two!
BART
(GROGGY) What happened?
Homer is looking through the refrigerator.
LISA
You both drank that Sludge drink too
fast... and at all.
HOMER
(RUMMAGING THE FRIDGE) Where is the
Sludge?
MARGE
I threw it out.
HOMER
(IGNORING, POLITE) Where is the Sludge?
MARGE
Lisa and I both agreed its terrible
for you so we removed it from the
house.
HOMER
(BEAT AS HE PROCESSES, THEN, YELLS)
EXT. SIMPSONS HOUSE - BACK YARD - CONTINUOUS
SANTAS LITTLE HELPER is licking up some Sludge drink that
is leaking from a discarded crate. He SWALLOWS it and his
legs immediately grow muscles. He stands on his hind legs
and walks off.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN
Back to it.

(CONTINUED)

Page 14
CONTINUED:
BART
You cant do that! I need it!
LISA
Guys its horrible for you. Not to
mention really addictive.
BART
Its not addictive.
LISA
Then whats your hand doing?
Barts hand twitches wildly.
BART
Its cold.
HOMER
(WHINY) But I really want some.
LISA
See, you are addicted.
HOMER
Am not.
LISA
If youre both not addicted then you
wont mind not having any Sludge drink.
HOMER
Fine. I dont need it.
MARGE
Great! So why dont you both sit down
and Ill serve you up some pancakes.
Homer and Bart sit down at the table.
(CONTINUED)

Page 15
CONTINUED:
ANGLE ON
The clock ticking tremendously slowly. Homer cant take it.
He stands up.
HOMER
Come on boy, well have to go get some
ourselves.
BART
(EXCITEDLY) Alright!
Homer and Bart visibly vibrate as they walk to the door.
MARGE
Homer, Im being serious. I wont allow
it in the house.
BART
(TO HOMER, WITH AN IDEA) Hear that dad?
We cant have it in the house.
HOMER
Quiet Bart, Im having an idea.
HOMERS BRAIN
If she wont allow it in the house...
maybe that means...
HOMER
(LOUDLY WHISPERING TO BART) well have
to drink it in the house.
MARGE
No! Not in the house!
HOMER
(ANGRY GRUMBLE) Then were leaving!

(CONTINUED)

Page 16
CONTINUED:
MARGE
Homer, so help me, if you leave this
house to go get more Sludge drink...
well... then... youre banned from our
home!
HOMER
Then so be it!
Homer and Bart leave the room, slamming the door behind
them. After a beat we hear their bodies fall and they begin
SNORING loudly off camera.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE

Page 17

ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. SIMPSON CAR - DAY
Homer is driving. Bart in the passenger seat.
HOMER
Sometimes you have to stand up to those
closest to you even if theyre right
and have your best interests in mind.
Bart kicks his feet up on the dash.
BART
Looks like its just you and me now,
Homer. No school, no chores, and as
much Sludge as we want.
HOMER
(A BEAT, THEN) And I also have no
responsibilities.
INT. KWIK-E-MART - LATER
Homer and Bart enter. APU, predictably, is behind the
counter.
APU
Hello. Can I interest you in some
reclaimed carpet sample swatches?
Bart goes to the back, looks through the coolers. Homer
stands listening to Apu.
HOMER
Hmmm... Whats in em?

(CONTINUED)

Page 18
CONTINUED:
APU
Dozens and dozens of carpets that
werent ready for market. For example,
Smurfs brand blue, Smurfs brand white,
and of course, Smurfs brand human skin
color. Please, enjoy this one: a rare
Army yellow. It was said to be the
original color of tanks before they
realized that was a bad idea.
ANGLE on a brightly colored yellow carpet sample with a US
Military seal.
HOMER
I dont know what I would do with
this... but Ill take it!
Bart arrives at the counter with a case full of Sludge.
BART
Good afternoon my man.
APU
Someone is chipper today.
BART
Thats because me and homeboy here are
on the lam.
APU
(LAUGHS) Lucky for you then that my
security camera is false.
ANGLE on an old security camera monitor in the corner
covered in spiderwebs. A roach climbs out of it, then dies.
We cut back to the counter, Homer and Bart are gone with
the case of Sludge.
(CONTINUED)

Page 19
CONTINUED:
APU (CONTD)
I do not know why I keep telling people
that.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - DAY
Marge is knitting while Lisa walks around the room playing
Sax.
LISA
I cant believe how much better this is
with dad and Bart gone!
MARGE
I didnt want to admit it, but its
true! Now that the house is so calm I
can finally work on my own projects!
Look I knitted full outfits for the
pets.
SHOT of Santas Little Helper and SNOWBALL V in full knit
body suits. Theyre both trying to shake/pull them off.
LISA
(PUTTING HER SAX DOWN) And do you hear
that wondrous noise? Its silence!
MARGE
What silence?
LISA
Listen!
MARGE
To what?
LISA
The silence!
(CONTINUED)

Page 20
CONTINUED:
MARGE
Let me listen!
LISA
I am! Be quiet!
Silence.
Marge and Lisa look at each other, smiling ridiculously, as
they listen to the silence of the house.
LISA (CONTD)
I have an idea! Lets watch something
theyd never let us!
MARGE
You mean...
ON TV
KEN BURNS BEIGE
Standard Ken Burns TITLE CARD. INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC ramps up.
Panning shots of beige things... car seats, pants,
curtains...
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Beige. Created in 1706 by Frank
Beigestein, its rich and storied
history is oftentimes overlooked...
ANGLE ON MARGE AND LISA
Looking wide eyed and happy. Maggie folds her arms and
rolls her eyes.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - DAY
Homer and Bart are sitting on a bench near a bunch of empty
cans of Sludge.
BART
Is it just me or is this stuff not as
strong anymore?
(CONTINUED)

Page 21
CONTINUED:
HOMER
Were building up a tolerance to it.
Like beer, or Foxs comedy line up.
A big LOWER THIRD for MULANEY appears.
BART
That stinks!
Bart throws a can. It hits Mulaney in the head. The lower
third falls out of frame.
HOMER
Now, now, if my rampant addiction to
various vices has taught me anything,
its just to do more.
BART
(SHRUGS) If you say so.
Bart cracks open another can. He downs it. Homer follows.
Barts eyes dilate ala Requiem
BART (CONTD)
Whoa! I think its working.
HOMER
(GIGGLES)
HOMERS POV
Bart is a big pineapple.
BARTs POV
Homer is a walrus.
BART
Whoa.

(CONTINUED)

Page 22
CONTINUED:
WALRUS HOMER
(LISPY) Quick, jump on my back! Ill
take you to sea!
HOMER AND BARTS TRIP
EXT. THE OCEAN - DAY
Pineapple Bart rides on the back of Walrus homer through the
ocean. A WHALE (voiced by President Barack Obama, probably)
pokes his head out of the waves.
WHALE
Why hello! Look what I can do!
The whale turns upside down and blasts off into space using
its blowhole as a jet.
The whale EXPLODES in the sky and it rains shrimp, which
Homer and Bart catch with their mouths.
IN REALITY
EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - DAY
A severely tripped out Homer is running around on all fours
while Bart rides on his back. Theyre both wildly laughing.
Various PARK PEOPLE avoid them as they walk by.
HOMER
Mmmmm... Mind shrimp.
(DRIFTING OFF) I think Ill just rest
my... eyelids.
BART
(FALLING ASLEEP) Me too.
They collapse.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD PARK - NIGHT
Homer and Bart are still passed out on the ground. The whole
day has gone by.
CHIEF WIGGUM pokes at them with a baton.

(CONTINUED)

Page 23
CONTINUED:
CHIEF WIGGUM
Alright you lazy vagrants. Move along.
They dont budge.
CHIEF WIGGUM (CONTD)
I said move along! Jeez, why does no
one listen to me anymore?
LOU chimes in.
LOU
Did you lose your badge again Chief?
CHIEF WIGGUM
No. Its right here... Wait a minute,
this is a womans broach.
Shot of an ornate broach.
LOU
Its a nice broach.
CHIEF WIGGUM
Thank you. (WHINES) Guys, get up!
That does the trick. Homer and Bart groggily stand.
They walk off.
CHIEF WIGGUM (CONTD)
(STRIKING A POSE) Great work boys. The
streets are now clean.
SNAKE runs behind Chief Wiggum with a stolen fish tank,
theres a SHARK inside.
LOU
Uh, Chief.

(CONTINUED)

Page 24
CONTINUED:
CHIEF WIGGUM
Not now Lou, I already know you liked
the broach.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - LATER
A particularly haggard Homer and Bart arrive at the
retirement castle, dragging their feet.
HOMER
Follow my lead. Ill get us a place to
crash until your mother comes around.
INT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - MOMENTS LATER
They stand at the front desk talking to a NURSE.
HOMER
Were here to visit Abe Simpson.
NURSE
We dont take visitors this late.
HOMER
(LYING) But its an... emergency.
NURSE
Whats the emergency?
HOMER
Hes very old. He could go at any
minute! He uh, called me.
GRAMPA appears in the doorway.
GRAMPA
No I didnt! Youre here for a free
ride! And Im all out.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

Page 25
CONTINUED:
GRAMPA (CONT'D)
(REMINISCING) That reminds me of the
time Henry Ford and I had a foot race.
It was summer of...
Homer and Bart are gone.
GRAMPA (CONTD)
Hey whered everyone go?
NURSE
Excuse me sir, theres no visitors
allowed this late.
GRAMPA
But I live here...
NURSE
Thats what they all say.
She points him out the door.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - ESTABLISHING
A neon VACANCY sign lights up as Grampa walks out.
EXT. BURNS MANSION - NIGHT
Homer and Bart slink around the fence near Burns.
BART
Burns has so many rooms he wont even
notice anyone living here!
HOMER
I like how you think. You take after
your old man. (SINCERE) One day youll
grow up to be just like me, or someone
much, much worse.

(CONTINUED)

Page 26
CONTINUED:
Bart puts his hand out. Homer steps on it and Bart goes
through the ground.
Bart stands inside the hole- his head barely poking out.
BART
On second thought, lets just dig.
Homer and Bart start digging with their hands.
ANGLE ON THE UNDERGROUND TUNNEL
It mimics Dig Dug almost exactly. Homer and Bart from this
far away look like 8-bit characters. They move up and down
in little black tunnels under burns house. A green
dinosaur narrowly avoids them. They pop up underneath the
mansion.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - TV ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Marge and Lisa are still sitting on the couch watching TV.
ON TV
KEN BURNS BEIGE CREDITS
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Please insert disc four.
Back to Marge and Lisa.
LISA
I cant believe weve been watching
this for seven hours.
MARGE
(CONCERNED) I hope Homer and Bart are
OK.
LISA
Im sure theyll be home any minute.
ANGLE ON THE DOOR.
LISA (CONTD)
Any minute...
(CONTINUED)

Page 27
CONTINUED:
ANGLE ON THE DOOR.
LISA (CONTD)
OK. This is ridiculous. Mom, theyre
not worried about us, so we shouldnt
be worried about them. Think about it!
Were finally free of the burden of
men! This home can at last become a
feminist utopia!
MARGE
A utopia?
A lower third graphic for FOXs Utopia appears. Marge and
Lisa wait for it to go away.
LISA
The boys get to live however they want
while we pick up after them! Well not
anymore. We can be the ones who need
picking up after!
MARGE
I dont know...
LISA
Watch!
Lisa throws a couch cushion down on the floor. Marge
watches it sit there.
MARGE
This is fun!
LISA
See, told you!

(CONTINUED)

Page 28
CONTINUED:
MARGE
Lets put in disc four!
LISA
(DEADLY SERIOUS) Or, we could put in...
disc five.
MARGE
(NERVOUSLY LAUGHS) Lisa, youre scaring
me.
LISA
Im scaring myself!
Lisa hops up on the couch.
LISA (CONTD)
I am woman! Hear me roar!
Marge throws another couch cushion down to the floor.
MARGE
Im doing it! Im cutting loose!
EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - CONTINUOUS
JIMBO and KEARNEY are walking by the Simpson house.
JIMBO
Whoa. Look! Those chicks are cutting
loose!
KEARNEY
Theyre not even using coasters!
INT. BURNS MANSION - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Homer and Bart quietly sneak around Burns mansion.

(CONTINUED)

Page 29
CONTINUED:
BART
One of these doors has to lead to a
guest room.
HOMER
Or a normal room with a bed in it!
Bart looks around and then opens a door and peeks inside.
OOMPA LOOMPAS are carrying various body bags around. They
notice Bart watching them. He shuts the door.
We move to the next door. Bart opens it. Inside is a long
hallway full of other doors, ala The Matrix. Inside, the
cast of SCOOBY DOO chases each other through each door.
Bart shuts the door.
Bart opens the door next to it. Inside we see a HUGE
comfortable bed.
BART
Alright!
Homer and Bart run into the room and SMACK against a wall
revealing that the bed is actually a large painting. From
the floor we see a sign on the door clearly labeled
STORAGE FOR PAINTINGS OF BEDS.
HOMER
Well thats just mean.
BART
Dad look!
We see another door next to this one with a sign labeled
ACTUAL BEDS. They enter it to discover a Xanadu-esque
room filled with hundreds of beds.
Homer and Bart enter and fall asleep on the floor.
EXT. BURNS MANSION - MORNING - ESTABLISHING
INT. BURNS MANSION - BURNS ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Burns sits in a high tech hospital bed. He has a tray of
breakfast sitting in front of him.
He struggles to lift a piece of toast.
(CONTINUED)

Page 30
CONTINUED:
BURNS
Drat! Its too heavy.
Burns turns to a little bell sitting on his bedside table.
He tries to pick it up and ring it but cannot.
BURNS (CONTD)
(ANGRY) Who turned up the gravity in
here? (THEN) I suppose Ill use the
smaller bell.
Burns rings the smaller bell. SMITHERS enters.
SMITHERS
You rang, sir?
BURNS
Ring my bell!
SMITHERS
With pleasure!
Smithers runs to his bedside table and picks up the larger
bell, which he rings. After the bell has rung out Smithers
stands at attention.
SMITHERS (CONTD)
You rang again sir?
BURNS
This toast is too heavy!
SMITHERS
Sorry sir, Ill fire the chef.
A MARIO BATALI-ESQUE CHEF is standing in the doorway.
CHEF
It cant be lighter! Itll float away!
BURNS
You heard the man, youre fired!
(CONTINUED)

Page 31
CONTINUED:
CHEF
Fine! But Im taking my bowls. (AS HE
EXITS) YOU MADE ME BUY MY OWN BOWLS!
BURNS
Very well. Time to get up.
Burns struggles to lift his bedsheets.
SMITHERS
Let me help you out of that bed sir.
Smithers scoops Burns up. His foot hits the side of the bed
forcing it to collapse. Burns and Smithers fall.
BURNS
You fool!
INT. BED STORAGE ROOM - LATER
Burns and Smithers open the door to find Bart and Homer.
BURNS
Who are these vagrants?
SMITHERS
I believe thats Homer Simpson and his
son Bart, sir.
BURNS
Are they dead?
SMITHERS
It would appear theyre sleeping.
Burns walks over to Bart and Homer and kicks them awake.
ANGLE ON BURNS LOOKING SINISTER
HOMER / BART
(SCREAMS)

(CONTINUED)

Page 32
CONTINUED:
BURNS
(SCREAMS) is right! Freeloaders! You
think you two can stay in my bed room
and get away with it?!
HOMER
(SADLY) Yes.
BURNS
Well you cant! You fools owe me money.
Youll have to pay me back by
(DRAMATIC) working for me.
HOMER
(BEAT) But I already work for you.
BURNS
Then youre fired!
HOMER
(SAD MOAN)
BURNS
Youre hired!
HOMER
(HAPPY MOAN)
BURNS
As my servants.
HOMER
(SAYS IT) Sad moan.
FADE OUT:
END ACT TWO

Page 33

ACT THREE
FADE IN:
1970S TINTED FILM FOOTAGE - DOCUMENTARY (CIRCA NOW)
A green and yellow title card ala Grey Gardens fades up.
Brockman Films, Inc. Presents / A Kent Brockman Film
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The house is a huge mess. A CAMERA floats through it. Vines
cling to the wall, a growing branch knocks a family photo
off and into an overflowing trash can, which then topples
into a hole in the ground. The trash CLUNKS down for miles.
Marge sits in a robe by the stairs.
MARGE
Theres another hole!
LISA
Whered it come from?!
MARGE
I dont know but its there!
EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - DAY - ESTABLISHING
The front yard looks like a jungle. A PAPERBOY rides by on a
bike and throws a newspaper into the yard. We follow the
newspaper into the jungle before it can land a Cheetah
jumps in the air and catches it with its mouth. Before the
Cheetah can land its swallowed up whole by a Hippopotamus,
which is then shot by a hunter. We pull back to the house.
A title fades up EVERGREEN TERRACE
A brief montage of newspaper articles:
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER ORDERED TO CLEAN HOUSE OR GET OUT
MARGE SIMPSON TOLD: CLEAN UP HOUSE
SADNESS OVER EVERGREEN TERRACE
We ZOOM in on the above article and see the following text:
I quit. I never liked this job. I wanted to breed dogs for
a living! If youre looking for me, dont... Is the first
sentence of my new novel, which Im quitting this newspaper
to self publish.

Page 34

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FOYER - DAY


LISA, dressed just like Little Edie is describing her outfit
to an unseen Kent Brockman.
LISA
Oh you like it? Its a perfect costume
for this weather. Its a skirt but it
can also become... you know, a cape...
because Ive got pants on under this.
KENT BROCKMAN (O.S.)
Any news on Mayor Quimbys plan to
evict you?
LISA
(NERVOUSLY) Well, well see if he
really follows through with it.
MARGE (O.S.)
Its a raid!
Lisa nervously chuckles.
EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - LATER
KENT BROCKMAN stands doing a news report to camera.
KENT BROCKMAN
Kent Brockman here, standing in front
of 742 Evergreen Terrace, which is set
to be demolished today.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

Page 35
CONTINUED:
KENT BROCKMAN (CONT'D)
Once home to the hilarious and lovable
Simpson family, this ramshackle abode
has fallen into disrepair after Marge
Bouvier Simpson and her daughter Lisa
decided to cut loose in a flight of
fancy. I am told a baby is also inside.
Will this house be demolished or will
it be saved? (DRAMATICALLY) Perhaps by
this man?
A full screen photo of Homer appears.
KENT BROCKMAN (CONTD)
Only time will tell. (THEN) Up next,
what do Glenn Frey, a plate of cheddar
cheese, and a novelty hat for dogs have
in common? The answer may surprise you.
INT. BURNS MANSION - OFFICE - DAY
Burns is writing letters with a quill pen and stuffing them
into envelopes. He then passes the envelope to Homer, who
licks it. Homers tongue hangs out of his head due to
overuse. Homer then closes the envelope and passes it to
Bart who puts a stamp on it.
BART
Ow!
BURNS
Stop it!
BART
But my thumb is killing me.

(CONTINUED)

Page 36
CONTINUED:
BURNS
You should have thought about that
before you took advantage of a kind old
man!
BART
(CONFUSED) What?
BURNS
Me! Im the kind old man!
BART
Oh...
HOMER
Who are you writing all these letters
to anyway?
BURNS
Theyre cease and desists!
HOMER
Wouldnt it be easier to use a
computer?
BURNS
(LAUGHS) No, no. I dont need a
computer. My finger has remained on the
pulse of the world despite that fancy
abacus. (FINISHING A LETTER) Now seal
this letter to Steve Jobs!
HOMER
But my tongue is so dry. I need a
Sludge.
(CONTINUED)

Page 37
CONTINUED:
BURNS
Smithers! Get this man a... what did
you call it?
BART
A Sludge! And I need one too. For my
uh, thumbs.
BURNS
Very well! Smithers, you heard the
boys.
Smithers kicks his feet up in the doorway.
SMITHERS
You know sir, I could lick those
envelopes for you.
BURNS
But then who would care for the needs
of my servants?
SMITHERS
Well you could try not having
BURNS
(ANGRY) Smithers!
SMITHERS
Very well sir.
BURNS
(TO HOMER) Hes a little... (MAKES A
SLOW FACE)
HOMER
(LAUGHS)
(CONTINUED)

Page 38
CONTINUED:
Burns face freezes.
HOMER (CONTD)
Mr. Burns?
BURNS
(BEAT, THEN SNAPS TO IT) Sorry about
that. Just had a stroke I think.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER
Marge is chasing a POSSUM around the house with a broom. She
swats at it and the possum dives through the window,
breaking it, and then scurries across Flanders yard.
INT. FLANDERS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SECONDS BEFORE
ROD and TODD are tying their shoes.
RODD / TODD
Bunny ears, bunny ears, playing by a
tree. Crisscrossed the tree, trying to
catch me. Bunny ears, bunny ears,
jumped into the hole, popped out the
other side and also Jesus died for our
sins.
They high five and the possum CRASHES through the window.
They scream. Ned stands up.
NED
Dont be alarmed children, thats one
of Gods creatures.
The possum SNARLS in a corner of the house. It looks very,
very evil.
NED (CONTD)
(NERVOUSLY) But maybe we should go over
there and talk to Marge.
(CONTINUED)

Page 39
CONTINUED:
Ned looks at the possum and nervously laughs.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN
Marge is duct taping the hole in the window when Ned pops up
in front of her. Marge is totally different, very sluggish.
NED
Hey-diddly-ho there neighborino!
MARGE
Oh hi Ned. How are things?
NED
Well you know, we were actually just
wondering if you had any plans to...
you know, clean up the house?
MARGE
Oh. Maybe later. You know?
NED
Well Marge, I dont know if you got the
paper today or not...
MARGE
Were having Cheetah problems.
NED
Well, you might want to see it.
Ned holds up the newspaper. The headline reads SIMPSON
HOUSE TO BE TORN DOWN TODAY
NED (CONTD)
Maybe Homer can do something?
MARGE
(HAVING FORGOT) Homer? (SLOWLY
REMEMBERING) Homer. (BEAT) Homer.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

Page 40
CONTINUED:
MARGE (CONT'D)
(SHAKING HER HEAD, THEN FULLY
REMEMBERING) Homer! (SCREAMS)
Marge looks around.
MARGE (CONTD)
(SHOCKED) What in the world happened to
my home?
Lisa walks into the kitchen eating a banana. She tosses the
peel on the floor.
MARGE (CONTD)
Lisa, we have to find your father! Come
on!
Lisa walks right onto the banana peel she just tossed and
falls down. After a beat Marge, Lisa, Ned, Rodd, and Todd,
all start laughing.
MARGE (CONTD)
Its funny because you fell on a
banana!
INT. BURNS MANSION - OFFICE - DAY
Smithers returns with the Sludge. Bart and Homer swarm him
and chug down the two cans. They run back to the desk and
begin licking the envelopes again at a much faster pace.
Burns looks on excitedly.
BURNS
Excellent. Lets get you two up and
doing some lawn work... then I suppose
youll be a third of the way done
paying me back.
Homer and Bart dont respond.

(CONTINUED)

Page 41
CONTINUED:
BURNS (CONTD)
Hello? Can you hear me? (WAVING ARMS
AROUND) Hello?
HOMER AND BARTS POV OF BURNS
Burns moves in very, very, slow motion.
BURNS (CONTD)
(SLOW-MO) Hellllloooooooo?
BACK TO NORMAL:
BURNS (CONTD)
Smithers, lets get these boys to the
yard.
EXT. BURNS MANSION - YARD - LATER
Homer and Bart are fast asleep in the yard. Smithers and
Burns watch them from the balcony. Smithers is inspecting a
Sludge drink. The sprinklers turn on.
BURNS
Let me try that.
Smithers hands him the can. Burns takes a sip, which he
immediately spits out.
BURNS (CONTD)
(SPITS) Who owns this monstrosity?
SMITHERS
You do sir.
BURNS
Well its awful, and its ruining my
employees stamina. Shut it down.

(CONTINUED)

Page 42
CONTINUED:
SMITHERS
Very well sir. Well just go back to
putting our toxic waste in the towns
water supply. Regardless, it was
foolish of us to attempt to create a
beverage empire simply to conceal
nuclear leakage.
BURNS
Yes, but it was probably fun while it
lasted. Now lets get them out of here.
EXT. DOWNTOWN SPRINGFIELD - DAY
Homer and Bart are thrown from Burns limo onto the side of
the street. Theyre groaning from detox.
HOMER
We have to find Sludge. Were going
through withdrawals.
BART
That shouldnt be hard. They sell it
everywhere.
Bart looks across the street at a Krusty Burger. The PIMPLEFACED TEEN puts up a sign that says-- OUT OF SLUDGE. We
pan to the Kwik-E-Mart which has a sign that says-- NO
MORE SLUDGE. We pan to a boat with a sign that says-THIS IS A BOAT.
HOMER
(ANNOYED GRUNT)
EXT. DOWNTOWN SPRINGFIELD - CONTINUOUS
Marge and Lisa (back to normal) are on a tandem bike. Maggie
sits in a basket up front.

(CONTINUED)

Page 43
CONTINUED:
LISA
They have to be around here somewhere.
MARGE
Keep looking!
LISA
This would have been much easier had
they not taken the car.
They slowly stop pedaling and end up in a long line of
other PEOPLE on tandem bikes.
MARGE
Now what could cause a jam like this?
LISA
Mom, look! Over there!
We pan down the line of bikes to reveal Homer and Bart are
splayed out on the ground causing this whole thing.
Lisa and Marge run to them. Marge wraps her arms around
Homer and Lisa does the same to Bart. Maggie jumps in the
middle.
MARGE
Oh Homer I missed you so.
LISA
Guys, look, we brought you something
that could help.
Lisa pulls out a SQUISHEE and a DUFF.
LISA (CONTD)
Now I wouldnt normally recommend you
drink these things all the time, but I
know youre going through withdrawal
and
(CONTINUED)

Page 44
CONTINUED:
Before she can finish Homer and Bart have taken their
respective beverage and are glugging them down. The color
returns to their faces.
HOMER
(TO HIS BEER) How could I have ever
betrayed you? I hereby promise to never
drink anything else ever again.
Including water.
MAGGIE
(URGENT SUCKING)
MARGE
Maggie is right! We dont have much
time. Long story short, theyre going
to demolish the house!
HOMER
(SCREAMS) Follow me, to the car I left
somewhere!
EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - LATER
MAYOR QUIMBY stands at a podium in front of The Simpson
house. Various TOWN FOLK have gathered in front of him.
Behind him is a large BULLDOZER.
MAYOR QUIMBY
Citizens of our fair town. I stand
before you today to keep a promise.
REPORTER
Youre going to return that embezzled
money?

(CONTINUED)

Page 45
CONTINUED:
REPORTER TWO
Youre going to apologize for stealing
my wife?
REPORTER THREE
Youre going to apologize for not
apologizing for those other things you
promised youd apologize for?
MAYOR QUIMBY
Close! I told you it was my duty as
Mayor to keep the streets clean and
also to hold public events. Today I do
both. Behind me is the best bulldozer
money can buy. It cost three hundred
thousand dollars, or, one episode of
FXs LOUIE.
The crowd oohs and aahs.
MAYOR QUIMBY (CONTD)
And now, please welcome, the driver of
the bulldozer and your winner of the
KBBL Wreck Your Neighbors Abode
contest Barney Gumble.
Barney arrives on stage.
MAYOR QUIMBY (CONTD)
Before we get started, do you have any
words for the crowd?
Barney grabs the mic.

(CONTINUED)

Page 46
CONTINUED:
BARNEY
(BURPS)
MAYOR QUIMBY
Very well. Lets get a-wrecking.
The severely drunk Barney moseys over to the bulldozer and
starts it up. It ROARS to a start. Flames shoot out the
front of it. The blade angles sinisterly. And then it moves
forward at an anti-climactic snails pace.
EXT. LARD LAD DONUTS DRIVE THROUGH - CONTINUOUS
The Simpson family is at the drive through window. An
EMPLOYEE hands homer a bag of donuts.
INT. SIMPSON CAR - CONTINUOUS
HOMER
Thank you.
MARGE
Homer! We dont have time! Theyre
going to tear the house down.
HOMER
Oh. Right.
Homer steps on the gas and they peel out.
EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - MOMENTS LATER
The bulldozer is just inches away from hitting The Simpson
house. In a flash, the Simpson Car flies through the crowd
of people, takes out the stage, and stops right in front of
the house.
HOMER
(SCREAMS) Wait!
The bulldozer stops. Homer has the crowds attention.
CROWD
Oh wow / Whats happening / I forgot
what we were doing
(CONTINUED)

Page 47
CONTINUED:
HOMER
Please! This is our home. (SINCERE) I
dont know what happened here, I was
only gone for two days, but if theres
one thing I do know, its that I love
my house and Ill do anything to
protect it.
MAYOR QUIMBY
Alright, everyone calm down! Now listen
here. You have thirty seconds to clean
this mess up, or you lose the house.
That seems to be the most entertaining
way to wrap this whole thing up. Sound
good?
THE SIMPSONS
Yes!
MAYOR QUIMBY
On your marks, get set, CLEAN!
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Marge is vacuuming the floors, which have such a thick layer
of dust on them that as she moves back and forth she sinks
further and further down towards the actual floor.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN
Homer is eating all the expired food in the refrigerator.
Lisa is doing dishes.
LISA
Great work dad! Thanks for helping.
HOMER
(COVERING) Yes... Helping.

Page 48

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - BATHROOM


Bart is flushing all the medicine, dental care, and soap
products down the toilet.
EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - THIRTY SECONDS LATER
Outside, the house glistens. Completely spotless. The
Simpson family stands proudly in front of it.
MAYOR QUIMBY
Alright Simpsons. Looks like youve
saved your house this time. But Ill
get you soon enough...
LISA
Why would you want to get us?
MAYOR QUIMBY
It just seemed like something I should
say. Alright, this event is over.
The crowd shuffles away, leaving The Simpson family alone.
HOMER
Marge, Im sorry we got addicted to
Sludge. Ill never pick a beverage over
my wife ever again.
MARGE
And Im sorry I almost cost us our
house. I guess without you to care for,
I just dont know what to do with
myself.
We reveal Homer is drinking a beer and not listening.
HOMER
Huh? Whatd you say?
(CONTINUED)

Page 49
CONTINUED:
MARGE
Oh Homer. I love you.
HOMER
I love you too Marge.
They all hug each other.
FADE OUT:
THE END