"The renowned and ancient city of Gotham." - Washington Irving, Salmagundi, 11 November 1807 "New York is a hellhole.

And you know how I feel about hellholes." - Homer, "The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson" "New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire." - Henry James, Letter to W.E. Norris, 15 December 1904 "New York is a sucked orange." - R.W. Emerson, Conduct of Life: Culture, 1860 "Occasionally I idle time away by wondering what cities would be like, were they people. Manhattan is, in my head, fast-talking, untrusting, well-dressed but unshaven." - Neil Gaiman, Sim City 2000 "The posthumous revenge of the Merchant of Venice." - Elbert Hubbard, Roycroft Dictionary and Book of Epigrams, 1923 "The insecurity center of America." - John Weitz & Everett Mahlin, Man in Charge, 1974 "That frightful cyclone of electricity and machinery called New York." - Lafcadio Hearn, Letter to Elizabeth Bisland, 1889 "New York is too strenuous for me; it gets on my nerves." - Ambrose Bierce, Letter, 5 October 1904 "You know what I like about Manhattan? - Frank Costanza, Seinfeld No mosquitoes."

"What can you expect from a town that's shut off from the world by the ocean on one side and New Jersey on the other?" - O. Henry, Gentle Grafter: A Tempered Wind, 1908 "Oh no... it's getting dark. That's it! I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me!" - Homer Simpson, "The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson" "It's wall-to-wall landmarks! The Williamsburg Bridge! 4th Avenue! Governor's Island!" - Marge Simpson, "The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson" "We've been going about this all wrong. This Mister Stay-Puft is okay. He's a sailor, he's in New York. We get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!" - Bill Murray, Ghostbusters, 1984 "Gozer the Gozerian: good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activities and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension." - Dan Ackroyd, Ghostbusters, 1984 "I like to visit New York, but I wouldn't live there if you gave it to me." - American Saying "NYPD means I will Nock Yo Punkass Down!"

- Will Smith, Men In Black, 1997 "Mayor Giuliani is threatening to stop funding an art museum in Brooklyn because its exhibits feature animal dung, human blood, and decomposing corpses. Giuliani said 'Hey, if people like stuff like that, they can ride the subway.'" - Conan O'Brien, 25 September 1999 "My luck. I don't talk to a soul on the subway for thirty-five years. I get the best man at a lesbian wedding." - Woman talking to Elaine on the subway, Seinfeld "Yesterday in New York City, a man died of natural causes on the subway and rode around for five hours before anybody noticed. Afterwards, commuters said they didn't try to help because they thought it was just Al Gore campaigning." - Conan O'Brien, 15 June 1999 "The other day, a man died on the New York Subway, and his body rode around for five hours before anybody noticed. Here's an update: everything is fine now but Mafia officials were notified and they were able to put the body in the East River where it belongs." - Conan O'Brien, 16 June 1999 "Karma Controlled Car: Please watch what you do." - Window Label on a Number 2 Train, 1994 "According to an article in The New York Post, it's often faster to walk in New York City than it is to take a City Bus. A spokesman for the Transit Authority said 'You know, New Yorkers don't take the bus for the speed, they take the bus to get felt up.'" - Conan O'Brien, 13 August 1999 "Even space travelers do not have as lonely a vigil as one who waits for a bus in Queens." - Richard F. Shepard, New York Times, 25 January 1998 "The thing I can't tell is whether cab drivers yield to each other out of fear or respect." - New York Policeman, New York Times, 10 March 1968 "City officials in St. Paul, Minnesota want to implement a training program to teach cab drivers to read a road-map, be nice, and shower regularly. Those who do not pass will be asked to return to their old jobs in New York City." - Conan O'Brien, 13 May 1999 "An asshole is someone who drives from one Manhattan location to another." - Ellen E.M. Roberts, New York Magazine, 25 September 1995 "Yesterday, Mayor Giuliani announced that he is going to start seizing the cars driven by problem motorists. Giuliani described the problem motorist as anyone who has bumper sticker that says 'Hillary For Senate!'" - Conan O'Brien, 7 January 2000 "Well guess fucking what? I don't fucking care. You want to know fucking why? Because I don't fucking live in the fucking world! I live in fucking New York City, so go fuck yourself!" - Michael Keaton, The Paper, 1994 "In a Sports Illustrated interview, Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker made

several racist comments about New Yorkers and he said that he can walk down a block in Times Square and not hear one word of English. Actually I was thinking about it; I have a feeling now he can't walk down a block in Times Square." - Conan O'Brien, December 1999 "If you are confused ask somebody. New Yorkers are very helpful. However, the first person you ask will give you the wrong answer. So ask loudly enough that others will overhear and make corrections. New Yorkers love to correct each other." - George Weller, note on subway map he designed and published, 1977 "There's no room for amateurs, even in crossing the streets." - George Segal, Newsweek, 14 December 1972 "Several breweries around the country announced today that they are considering changing from glass beer bottles to plastic; mainly due to repeated requests from Yankees Stadium outfielders." - Conan O'Brien, 8 October 1999 "Before [Hurricane] Floyd passes through New York, it is expected to drop as much as 10 inches of rain on the city. Unfortunately, if we get too much rain, New York is in real danger of losing its distinct urinary smell." - Conan O'Brien, 15 September 1999 "New York has been suffering from its worst heat wave in the last five years. In fact yesterday, at one point it was hot enough in Times Square to fry a puddle of urine." - Conan O'Brien, 6 July 1999

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