WillEasley

10/2/14
Gblock
ShortStory

RedBird

ItsOctober18
th
,2018,32dayssincethelaunchofOperationRedBird,amissiontosenda
rovertoMarstotakehighdefinitionphotos.Andnow,thecapsulecontainingtheroverisfinallynearing
itstarget,Mars.PeoplebackatSpaceX,thecorporationmainlyfundingandleadingtheoperation,have
beenworkingdayandnighttoensureasafedeliveryforthisrover.EversinceSeptember16th,
11:52pm,whentherocketcontainingtheroverfirstlaunched,therehasbeenatleast25peopleworking
atoncetoensurethatthecapsuleisoncourse,hasplentyoffuel,andthatthereisnostructuraldamage
tothecapsuleorrover.
PatrickEdwardMcKinney,theleaderofthegroupoverseeingRedBirdssafetravel,hasbeen
workingatSpaceXsince2002,whenitwasfounded.Beforethat,hedworkedatNASAforover10
years.Hesseentheinsideandoutofthebusiness,andknowswhathesdoingwhenitcomestospace
exploration.Hesledover5differentmissions,onesendingasatelliteintoorbitaroundEarth,anothera
roverontothemoon.Patrickisaveteraninthisfield,andhiswholeteamlooksuptohim.
RedBirdsjourneytoMarshasbeenveryproductiveandsuccessful,therehavebeenno
hiccupssofarwithinPatricksteam,asRedBirdanditscapsulehavehadnoissues.Itsbeennothing
butthebest,andMcKinneyexpectsthatfromhisteam.Patrick,ontheotherhand,hasbarelyeven
gonehomewithalltheworkhesbeendoingattheBuzzE.AldrinSpaceCenterinNorfolkNews,VA.
McKinneymovedoutherefromHouston,whereheworkedattheLyndonB.JohnsonSpaceCenter,a
famouscenterforhumanspaceflighttraining,research,andflightcontrol.For3yearsheoversawall
astronauttraining,andthenfor9yearsworkedintheflightcontroldepartment,guidingvariousmissions.
Butsince2002,McKinneyhasneverhadajobbetterthanSpaceX.Plus,PatrickstaysinNewport
Newsyearroundasheandhiskidslovethecity.Thesummersaregreat,warmandsunny,while
wintersaremild.ItsaperfectplaceforPatricktoraiseafamily.
Butnow,theMarsroverhasonlyapproximatelyfourdaystolandingontheredplanet.All
levelsinthecapsulearegood.McKinneycomesinonOctober19th,readytopreparethefinal
precautionsbeforelaunchingthelandingphase.
Goodmorning,everybody!Patricksaysenthusiasticallyasheputshisjacketonthebackof
hischair.Variousgreetingsareheardfrommanyashesettlesintohisdesk,andlooksoverhisteam,
likeaemperoroverseeinghisempire.Helooksupatthegiantstatusscreenprojectedonthefrontof
theroom.Patrick,regardlessofhavingdonemanymissions,stillfeelsaveryexcitedfeelingwhen
missionsarenearingcompletion.Hedecidestotakeastrollaroundtheofficeandcheckinwithsomeof
hissubordinates.PatrickdecidestotouchbasewithDwightRyder,hisChiefFlightEngineerand
secondincommandforthemission.
HeyDwight!Howsthecrimsoneagleflyin?Patricksaysashepullsupachairtolookover
Dwightsshoulderontohisvariouscomputermonitors.
Hey,boss!Sofar,sogood.Thefueltanksarealittlebitfullerthanwewouldhaveexpected,
whichmeansthefuelburnhasdeclined,butthatisntlimitingtheengines,asthespeedandthrustrates
arestillastheyshouldbe,Dwightreplies,hiseyesstucktothemonitors,doingamillionthingsatonce.
Great!Justletmeknowifthatchanges,Patrickreplies.
Willdo!
Patricksettlesbackdownathisdesk,andtakesalongsipofcoffee.Hecanalreadyfeellike
todaywillbealongone.Hedidnothaveagoodnightofsleepthenightprevious,ashewasworried
aboutthemission.Hecanthelpbutthink,becausethemissionhasgonesowell,somethingjustisgoing
togowrong.Hecanttellwhat,bigorsmall,buthecanfeelsomething.SomethingisntrightwithRed
Bird.Hetriestoshakeitoffandreturntowork.Helooksupagainatthegiantscreenatthefrontofthe
room.Itscurrently9:49am.Peoplehavebeenworkinginintermittentshiftsallnight.TheETA
countdowntimeriscurrentlyat1:15:48:14.1days,15hours,48minutes,and14seconds.Patrick
sighs.Thatshowlongitisuntilhecanstopworryingsomuch.
AcouplehoursorsopassesandPatrickhasbeenbuzzingaroundtheofficealldaytryingto
coordinateeverythingforthefinalstageofthemission.Hereturnstohisdesk,plopsdowninhisseat,
andsighsasighofrelief.Hefinallyfeelslikeeverythingwillbejustfineforthelanding.Itlllandsafely,
theyllgetgreatphotos,andtherovercanrestpeacefullyonMars.Heorganizesthepapersonhisdesk.
Thepastfewdayshavemadehimcarelessandeverythingisstrewnalloverthedesk.Hedecidesto
gatherhisthingsandmakemoreofatidyworkstation.Thistakeshimafewminutes,andnowheiskind
ofbored.HedecidestogocheckinwithDwightagain.Hequicklyjumpsupandrunsdownthesteps
tohisdesk.
Hey,Dwight!,Patricksaysashewalksupbehindhim.
Hi,Pat.Anythingyouneed?Dwightreplieswithahintofannoyanceinhisvoice.
Ummm,Ijustwantedtocheckintomakesureeverythingsstillrunningsmoothly,Patrick
offers.
Yeah,aboutthat..Dwightbegins,..Pat,thereseemstobesomeissuesonboard.
Whatswrong?Iseverythingok?Patrickisabitmoreworriednow.
Itlookslikethefuelisbeingusedmuchquickerthanbefore.Like,two,three,fourtimes
quicker.Thefuelburnissignificantlyhigher,Dwightsaysashepointstothenumbersonhisscreen.
Isthatgoingtobeaproblem?Patrickhesitantlyasks.
Itisntcurrently,no.WestillhaveenoughfueltolandonMars.Butifitkeepsincreasingatthe
ratethatitis,itmaybeanissue,Dwightresponds.
Well,aslongasitdoesntkeepincreasing.PLEASEcallmedownifitdoes.Imnothappy
youdidnttellmepreviously,PatrickbarksatDwight.
Look,youvebeenbusyallday.Ididntevenknowwhereyouwere,Ivejustseenyoufora
splitsecondhereandthere,sprintingaround.Plus,Ivehadmyhandstiedwiththis,Dwighttells
Patrickinamatteroffacttone.
Whatever.Pleasejusttellmeifitcontinuestoincrease,Patrickmuttersashewalksbackup
thestepstohisdesk.Hesitsbackdownandtriestofigureoutwhatheshoulddowithhistime.His
teamhashandledeverythinggracefully,andnowallthereistodoissitandwatchitslowlyapproachits
target,anddealwithwhatevercircumstancesarethrownatthem.Helookstothetoprightcornerofthe
humongousstatusscreen,andseesthatits12:19PM.1:13:28:37.Hisstomachisrumblingandhe
decidestotreathimselftolunchathisfavoriterestaurant,ScheslingersSteakhouse,rightinthemiddle
ofdowntown.Afterall,hesdonesuchafantasticjobsofarinthismission,hethinksheshouldtreat
himself.Hegetsoutofhisseat,putshisjacketon,andtellsDwightthathellbebackby1.
Afterenjoyinghisdelicioussteaklunchandhesdrivingbacktothespacecenter,hebeginsto
thinktohimself,Ireallyamsolucky.Ihaveanamazingjob,greatcoworkers,andRedBirdhas
beengoingsowelloverthelastmonth,Ivebarelyhadanyworktodo.Icantthinkofonething
thatcantakemeoutofthisgoodmood.
PatrickpullsuptothesecurityofficerandshowshimhisID.Herunsitthroughtheancient
scannerthattakeswhatfeelslikeaneternity.Patrickstilldoesntunderstandwhyhehastoscanit.
Patricksworkedherefor14yearsandhasseenRandall,thesecurityguard,justabouteverydayfor
thoseyears.RandallhandsPatrickhiscompanyIDbackandPatrickthankshimandspeedsaway.
PatrickpullsintohisreservedparkingspothummingLetsLiveforTodaybyTheGrassRoots.
Man,hemisseswhensongslikethatwereplayedontheradio.Luckily,his13yearoldson,Scott,
lovesclassicrock.Itsjustabouttheonlythingtheycanagreeon.HeshutsthedoorofhisgrayAudi
sedanandwalksthroughthebigglassdoorsintotheemployeessectionofthespacecenter.Halfofitis
amuseumforspaceandhumanflighttechnologyandhistory,theothertheoperationswing.The
museumisaverypopularspotfortouristsandcitizensalike.Hetakesaleftandwalksdownalong
hallway.HeseesthemonitorattheendofthehallwaythatreadsREDBIRDwiththeETAclock
beneathitrightnexttothedoorandsmilesalittle.HescanshisIDandwalksintotheoffice.Assoonas
hewalksin,heimmediatelyregretsnotjustgoingtothefoodcourtforlunch.
Patrickisgreetedwithabout10differentpeoplewhospeakwithdistressed,harshandquick
speakingtones.Hecantquitemakeoutanythingofwhatanyonessaying.Papersarebeingthrownat
him,peoplearesprintingthroughtheoffice.Completechaos.Hewalksintothelargecontrolroom,and
looksupatthescreen.Whatheseesislikesomethingstraightoutofanightmare.Thescreenlituplike
aChristmastree.Red,yellowandorangelightsflashallover.Fuelisdramaticallylowerthanitwas
whenheleft,thrustrateswereatanalltimelow,andDwightisdoingabillionthingsatonceonhis
screens.Hesprintsuptohim.
Dwight,Dwight?!Whatsgoingonhere?!Patrickscreamsinaworriedtone.
Patrick,therewasacatastrophicexplosioninsidethecapsule.Wehavenoideawhatcausedit
orwhatsgoingtohappen,butitdoesntlookgood,Dwightrespondsinadistraughttone.
Well,whatareouroptions?Patrickreplies.
Wedonthavemany.WecanseeifwecangettherovertoMars,butitmightnotbeworthit.
Icantseemtobeabletomakecontactwiththeroveratall,soevenifbysomestretchofthe
imaginationwedidgetittoMars,IdoubtIdbeabletogetanycontroloftheroverwhileitsonthe
ground.IprobablycouldntevenopenthebaydoorfortheRovertogetout,Dwightanswers.
No,no,no,no,no..
Patrickstormsupthestepstohisdesk.Runningthroughhismindareahundreddifferent
possiblesolutionsandhecantseeanyofthembeingoptimal.Hecollectshimselfanddecidestoconsult
histeam.
Attention,everyone,canIhaveyourattentionplease?Patrickyellsasherunstothefrontof
theroom.Weallknowwhathappenedtoday.AnexplosionoccurredinsideRedBirdscapsuleasit
waspreparingforlanding.Now,noneofushaveanyideawhathappenedeitherinsideoroutsidethe
capsuletocreatethisexplosion.Doesanyonehaveanyideas?
Couldithavebeenhitbysomesortofspacedebris?Likeanasteroidorsomething?asks
TimothyCampbell,theIntegrationSystemsOfficer.
No,Idontthinkso,Patrickrepliesinalostvoice.
HeyPat?Dwightblurtsout.
Whatsup,Dwight?Patrickreplies.
Itappearsthatthecauseoftheaccidentwasafuelleak,which,bywhatitlookslikefromthe
data,drippedontoanuninsulatedelectricalwire,sparkingafireandthenanexplosion.Oursensors
onboardmakeitlooklikeafuelleakalmostcertainlyhappened,Dwightstatesinascaredtone.
Well,lookslikeallwecandoisditchthemission,unlessanyonehasanybettersolutions?
Patrickasks.
CanwemakeittoMars?asksSamanthaWeber,theMissionOperationsDirectorate.
Afewsecondspasses.
Dwight?Patrickblurtsout.
Patrick,honestly,Idontknow!FuelisdroppingrapidlyandIcantseemtocontrolanything
onboard.ThismissionisquicklyturningintoadisasterandImtryingtomanageit!Dwightyellsashe
spinsaroundinhisseattofacePatrick.
Dwight,weneedyourinput.Yourinformationisvitaltotherestofourmission,Patricktells
Dwightinadisappointedtone.
Listen,Pat.Ireallyhavenoidea.Icanteventellwhereitsgoing,muchlessifitcanmakeitto
Mars.FromwhatIseehere,Idoubtit,Dwightsaysashedropshisheaddowntohisdesk.
Well,whatnow?Dowejustditchtherover?Andgiveup?Patricksays,quicklylosinghope.
Theroomeruptsintothesoundofpeoplemurmuringtoeachother.Thegroupisnoticeably
disappointed.Everyoneworkedsohard,andthisiswhatbecameofit.AndnottomentionPatrick.
Hesdevastatedthathisbestmissionsofarhascompletelygonedownthedrain.
Guys,guys!Iknowwerealldisappointed,butwehavetomakeasmart,educateddecision
beforeitstoolate!Patrickyellsinaconsolingtone.
Whatbetteroptiondowehave?Dontsugarcoatit,justtelluslikeitis,shoutsavoice.
Numerousyeah!sareheard.
Well,Iguessthatsouronlyoption.Dwight,howlonguntilfuelrunsout?Patricksaysina
despondenttone.
Lessthanaminute.
Patricksighsasheleavesthefrontoftheroom.
Thewholeteamturnsaroundandstaresatthenowmostlyblankstatusscreen.Patrickslowly
walksbacktohisdesk,cursingunderhisbreath.Thescreenshowsonlythetime,fuel,theETA,and
randomengineinformation.Its3:02PM.1:10:53:14.Thefuelandengineinstrumentnumbersallfallto
zero.Theteamfallssilentastheycandonothingandwatchtheroverdriftawayintoouterspace.

DearPeerEditor,
Thanksforreadingmyshortstory!Ihopeyouenjoyedit.Ijusthadacouplequestions:
Istheclimaxandfallingactiondevelopedenough?
WhatmorecouldIaddtomakethestoryfeelmorelifelike?

Will,
Ilikeyoursettingforthisstoryandyourprotagonist.Yourpieceisstrongestwhereyou
showhiminaction.(Showdonttell.)Idliketoseemoredevelopmentoftheplot,though.
Whatisyourcharactergrapplingwith?(Thinkbeyondjusttheroverexplosion.)Howmight
youworkthisintothestory.Theendingisratherabrupt.Letstalkabouthowtoexpand.
Herearesomethingstothinkabout:

Proofreadingandformatting:

Haveyouproofreadcarefullyforspelling,capitalization,andendpunctuation?
Isyourdialogueformattedcorrectly?
Isyourverbtenseisconsistent?

Content:

Howmightyoumoreclearlyshowtheconflict?
Howmightyoudeveloptherisingaction,climaxand/orresolution?
Couldyouaddcomplications/additionalconflicttomovethestoryforward?
Haveyoueliminatedallwritingthatdoesnothelptofurtherourunderstandingoftheplotorcharacters?
Doyoushowratherthantell?
Doyouincludesensorydetail?
Isathemeevident?