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Go4English Form 11

Teacher Naomis Class Corrections


(September 15-September 28, 2014)

Student:

Jasmine

Subject:

Teacher:

Teacher Naomi

Textbook:

Class Date:

September 26,
2014

Writing (Essay)

Lesson/
Page no.:
ORIGINAL VERSION

Stance: Against
The death penalty is a legal process where a person is put to death as a punishment for a crime. It has
been one of the most controversial topics in todays society. However, as time goes by, evidence shows
that the death penalty is not a good resolution such as to the amount of murder rates even though a
death penalty it is legal in a state, or the and that it is subject to prejudice/bigotry and misuse and
bigotry.
First of all, An eye for an eye is a commonly used term principle/phrase in American society that
addresses the death penalty. Murdering someone is definitely something that should not be taken
lightly. However, this is proven not the case had been disproved/had been proven wrong. In 2012, the
state with the most murders was recorded to be Louisana, and this state has a legal status for death
penalties. This clearly portrays that the death penalty does not help in any way to decrease murder
rates and increase peace among citizens. For those Perpetrators who are determined enough to murder
someone, would undoubtedly never care about the consequences. Also/Moreover/In addition,
considering the Eye for an eye abovementioned phrase , it can also be defined as when one is hit, he
hits the other hits them back. When people were children, adults would always advise them not to hit
or do the same, negative action back to the opponent, even if they did nothing wrong because it is is
morally unrighteous wrong. Is it not the same when someone kills an innocent, and the government
kills them him to be even?
Another point that should be made would be the amount of prejudice and misuse of this the death
penalty depicted in the past. It is proven that eight percent of black criminals in America have received
a death penalty, but only one percent of white American criminals in America have received a death
penalty. It was is also proven that a black man is seven times more likely in to undergoing a death
penalty when killing a white man, but not the other way around rather than a white man killing a black
man. Furthermore, due to this type of prejudice/bigotry there has been a disappointing amount of
wrongly convicted death penalties people/individuals as well. Since black people are considered the
weaker race, there have been innocent black people many of them that/who have been
killed/executed due to this type of prejudice. Not only black people but There are also many incidents

where innocent people have been killed due to the death penalty. This defines how the death penalty
can be horribly used.
In conclusion, the death penalty should be abolished. Instead, perpetrators/offenders/convicts/felons
should spend their lifetimes in jail. There are also many things needed to be done to roads, bridges and
other construction sites that are needed/necessary/essential for our society. Let the prisoners work for
the public for the rest of their life lives. It saves money and is also an educated punishment for those
who did wrong. Although it still would never make up to for the loss of ones a victims loved ones, but
it would be the better alternative than killing an innocent that where there is no turning back.
E D I T E D V E R S I ON
Stance: Against
The death penalty is a legal process where a person is put to death as a punishment for a crime. It has
been one of the most controversial topics in todays society. However, as time goes by, evidence shows
that the death penalty is not a good resolution to murder rates even though it is legal in a state and that
it is subject to prejudice/bigotry and misuse.
First of all, An eye for an eye is a commonly used principle in American society that addresses the
death penalty. Murdering someone is definitely something that should not be taken lightly. However,
this case had been disproved. In 2012, the state with the most murders was recorded to be Louisana,
and this state has a legal status for death penalties. This clearly portrays that the death penalty does not
help in any way to decrease murder rates and increase peace among citizens. Perpetrators who are
determined enough to murder someone would undoubtedly never care about the consequences.
Moreover, the abovementioned phrase can be defined as when one is hit, he hits the other back. When
people were children, adults would always advise them not to hit or do the same, negative action back
to the opponent, even if they did nothing wrong because it is morally wrong. Is it not the same when
someone kills an innocent, and the government kills him to be even?
Another point that should be made would be the amount of prejudice and misuse of the death penalty
depicted in the past. It is proven that eight percent of black criminals in America have received a death
penalty, but only one percent of white American criminals have received a death penalty. It is also
proven that a black man is seven times more likely to undergo a death penalty when killing a white
man, but not the other way around. Furthermore, due to this type of bigotry there has been a
disappointing amount of wrongly convicted individuals as well. Since black people are considered the
weaker race, there have been many of them who have been executed. There are also many incidents
where innocent people have been killed due to the death penalty. This defines how the death penalty
can be horribly used.

In conclusion, the death penalty should be abolished. Instead, felons should spend their lifetimes in jail.
There are many things needed to be done to roads, bridges and other construction sites that are
necessary for our society. Let the prisoners work for the public for the rest of their lives. It saves money
and is also an educated punishment for those who did wrong. Although it still would never make up for
the loss of victims loved ones, it would be the better alternative than killing an innocent where there is
no turning back.
FEEDBACK AND POINTS FOR IMPROVEMENT
As a rule, your essay is highly elaborate and organized. You further strengthened your
standpoint in your conclusion by giving your opinion on how convicts should pay for their crimes. For
the most part, the range of your vocabulary is wide. However, some of your words tend to be repetitive,
and some of your sentences are too wordy. Also, phrasing problems are noticeable throughout your
writing. Last but not least, always make sure that your pronoun agrees with its antecedent.
All in all, you wrote an excellent piece. Keep up the good work!