Musings of a Musician Mom; Op. 2 no.

1, I get no Kick from New Year’s Resolutions (Loud drum roll-5 seconds-fading to mezzo piano) And now, music fans, we have reached the audience participation portion of today’s program. (drum roll ends) It’s time to play your favorite game (dramatic pause) “New Year’s Resolutions 2010!” (Wild applause & cheering, 5 seconds, fading to silence) Musical Mom has come up with a simple streamlined method for making those pesky New Year’s Resolutions. Why reinvent the wheel when we resolve basically the same things every year? We all resolve to lose weight, eat more healthy foods, take up a new hobby, yadda-yadda, you get the picture in technicolor. What’s that you say? Prizes? Sorry, no cash prizes and no free concert tickets, but you will have the satisfaction of upholding another twenty-first century American tradition. And who is Musical Mom to trifle with tradition? Begin by putting the bubbly on ice. Then copy the following sentences, filling in the blanks where applicable, and we can git ‘er done before you can hum the complete works of Anton Webern. ********* Resolution #1- Weight Loss In 2010 I resolve to lose ________ pounds of ugly fat by (choose one) taking off my earrings, switching to low-cal pickled pigs feet, shaving my head, taking the monkey off my back, removing the wax fruit from my Carmen Miranda turban, getting a divorce, emptying all the loose change and my complete collection of good-luck horseshoes from my pockets. Resolution #2- Eliminating Unhealthy Foods In 2010 I resolve to stop eating/drinking (choose one or more) Betty Crocker readymade canned frosting, library paste, Kirkland Lamb & Rice food for Adult Dogs, burned popcorn, fried grubs, sand, little wads of Kleenex, still-frozen tater-tots, railroad ties with chocolate sauce, Koolaid mix, my words. Resolution #3- Eating Healthy Foods In 2010 I resolve to eat more (choose as many as you can stand) vegetarian hot dogs, non-genetically-modified tomatoes, rBst-free organic milk from contented Wisconsin cows who play bridge except when cars drive by, bell pepper pasta, 3buck Chuck, cage-free omega-3 and fatty acid enhanced brown eggs, wheat-free organic licorice, zucchini chips. Resolution #4- Kindness In 2010 I will be nicer to (choose one) snot-nosed sticky-fingered whiny kids, crabby librarians, blue-haired female senior citizens who noisily unwrap cough drops during the 2nd movement of Beethoven’s “Eroica” Symphony, kamikaze Chicago cab

drivers (who normally work the cab line outside the Northwestern station but are filling in for their cousin Anton) who think they know the way to your hotel even though you tell them that North Michigan Avenue is definitely not near the Tri-State Tollway.

Resolution #5- New Hobbies In 2010 I will take up (choose as many as you can tolerate) 3-D tic-tac-toe, parasailing, collecting shoe-shaped salt and pepper shakers, tatting mah-jongg, power yoga, speed reading, Earthworm Rescue. Resolution #6-Spending In 2010 I resolve to spend less on (choose as many as apply) Furrbies, tootsie-pops, Beanie Babies, collectable engraved crystal champagne toasting flutes, Happy Meals, fur sinks and gasoline-powered turtleneck sweaters and more on (choose as many as you can get away with) precious gemstones, large lavishly-appointed yachts, swampland in Florida, used Hummers, rhinestone-studded cashmere sweaters, bribes to Chicago aldermen and jewelry made from gold-plated reindeer poop. *********** Now that your 2010 New Year’s Resolutions are done Musician Mom suggests that you rejoice in the knowledge that you have twelve entire months to forget all about the pesky little critters. Open the bubbly- you’ve earned it!

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