THE WAVERLY NEWSLETTER

Spring, 1994 - Volume IV New York, NY The Average Golfer
A very average golfer was playing a course in Ireland. After a very poor game he was putting out on the 18th hole. The ball stopped just inches from the cup. As he approached it, a tiny hand reached out of the cup and pulled the ball into the hole. The leprechaun asked the average golfer if he would like to be a great golfer. "What's the catch?" asked the average golfer. "Well," said the leprechaun, "I can make you a world class golfer, but your sex life will suffer greatly." The average golfer agreed to those terms and began traveling the world's greatest golf courses and winning tournament after tournament. About a year later he was playing the same course in Ireland and again the tiny hand pulled the ball into the cup. When the leprechaun looked up, he said "Oh, it's you again, is it! Have you enjoyed being a great golfer?" "Oh yes" was the reply. "Then tell me" said the leprechaun, "have you missed having a lot of sex?" "No" was the reply. "Well, how often are you getting any? Once a month? Twice a month?" "About twice a month" answered the golfer. "That's not very much" stated the leprechaun, to which the golfer replied, "Hey......I think it's great considering I'm a priest in a very small parish."

Mulligan's Laws of Golf:

?Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short. ?If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. ?Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie. ?The only way to find a ball sliced deep into the woods is to hit a provisional, 260 yards
down the middle of the fairway. ?It is often necessary to hit a second drive to really appreciate the first one. ?The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. ?It's as easy to lower your handicap as it is to lower your hat size. ?No matter how badly you're playing, it's always possible to play worse.

Ain't It The Truth!
Only when he stands at the alter on his wedding day does a man experience the same sensation of impending doom as he feels each year on the first tee at the Waverly Invitational!

Fine$, Fine$, Fine$
Because of behavior problems on and off the course (mostly off) in recent years and the field's inability to police itself, the Commissioner has instituted the following monetary fine structure effective this year: Venturi - $5 for analyzing your swing too much, also known as a Kurlich. Solhiem - $10 for blaming equipment on bad shots, a.k.a. a Courtney. Mulldoon - $15 for talking a better bar golf game than your actual game. Ernest & Julio - $20 for whining about your bad putts, a.k.a. a Commish. Hack-a-roo-ski - $25 for giving a lower handicap player swing advise, a.k.a. a Boss-a-roo-ski.

What Did You Say?
Match the following golf term to the correct selection below each. In Jail: a. In the woods or rough. b. Where some men are women. c. Place at least one of the field will end up this year. a. The grill or 19th hole. b. Where you go after surgery. c. Great name for a strip joint that employs nurses. a. Hit the ball firmly. b. Childhood form of punishment. c. What you'd really like to do to a certain figure skater. a. A difficult six-foot putt. b. Bath tub in a Bill Carey occupied hotel room. c. Area between front entrance and rear of building at the Stained Glass Pub.

Recovery Room:

Spank:

Throw-up Zone:

Trivia
When and at what major championship tournament did the longest playoff take place?

"Check Please."
A $2 pool will be kept for the amount of the bar tab, including food digested or otherwise, after the first day of competition. Winner will be closest within $5, without going over.

The Field; Handicaps & Odds*:
Pat Horn (34) - Favorite, known for shake downs on and off the course; 5:2. Pat English (28) - Extra work on choke holds strengthened iron play; 3:1. Dean Warrick (26) - Defends title, vows return ..... to Stained Glass Pub; 4:1. Don Boss (20) - Must control temper and tendency to totally "wig" out; 5:1. Rick Hakes (17) - Move to warm climate is key to reliable short game; 11:2. Paul Henson (15) - Looking to regain form of "young," winning years; 6:1. Bill Carey (14) - Playing now as resident of state and has adapted well; 7:1. Bill Gillette (13) - Has home field advantage, dark horse favorite to win; 8:1. Tom Courtney (12) - The bully of entrants, skank game is in full order; 17:2. Tom Barnes (9) - "Feel" player who's choice of golf jewelry is suspect; 9:1. Marty Kurlich (8) - Mechanical "sneaky short" game must be solid; 10:1. Tim Bardo (7) - Wife let him enter this year, should have stayed home; 99:1. * Odds determined by field consesus during a meeting at Madam Oar's.

Your next edition of The Waverly Newsletter: Summer, 1994. Features on each player's performance & possible tournament venues.

See You In June! Drive Safely.
Answer: It took 144 holes to decide the championship of the U.S. Open. George Von Elm and Billie Burke were tied after 72 holes of regulation and tied again after the first 36-hole playoff. Burke edged Von Elm by a single stroke in the second 36-hole playoff.